All language subtitles for Bottoms Up

Leave this.
Hollywood Scoop.

Looks like People magazine's
sexiest man alive, Hayden Field...

... seen leaving a hipster L.A.
eatery with girlfriend Lisa Mancini...

... was his usual gun-shy self
while probed by yours truly...

... about mega-rumors concerning
his latest mega-budgeter's...

... alleged mega-problems.

Rumor has it that Crazy Town's in
crazy reshoots and crazy over-budget.

Insiders smell a bomb.
What do you smell?

Roses, dude. I'm a lucky guy.

That Hayden Field guy
had a rabbit in his ass.

- Bullshit.
- That is so grody.

Disgusting, but it's true.

You're thinking gerbil, ass-wipe.
You know how big a rabbit is?

If they can take a hen
and make a midget hen...

...why can't they make
a midget rabbit?

Say it was a midget rabbit. Why would
he have a midget rabbit up his ass?

Well, now we're talking
the same language. Aliens.

Because aliens are
the biggest gaybos in the galaxy.

They constantly abduct people...

...jam things up their asses.
Usually it's probes.

Maybe aliens have gotten
so fucking bored that they're just like:

"I know, let's jam a rabbit
in that dude's ass."

Midget rabbits from outer space.

It's about as likely an explanation
as you're gonna get.

What about if we just torched
the steak house?

Think your old man
would be all right with that?

It's not closing, okay?

I don't care what I have to do.

This next one's a little hairy.
I call it the dragon.

Owen!

Hey. Hey, hey.

Great. Setting our two
best customers on fire now?

- More like our only two customers.
- Yeah, no thanks to you almost.

And what's all that crap outside?
Please, tell me I didn't pay for it.

People see lights, limos and girls,
what's the first thing they think of?

The highlife, Vegas.

I am this close to putting up
the 5.99 all-you-can-eat sign...

...and you're wasting money
on velvet rope?

I gotta piss like a racehorse, Rusty.

- Can I go in?
- I don't see your name on the list.

- This is beat. I'm putting my coat on.
- Coats defeat the purpose.

Cock boy, tell your boy Owen I got
a wedding tomorrow early as fuck.

Where's my 20 bucks at, asshole?

How about this? Belly dancers.

Food plus boobs equals big profit.
Look at Hooters.

Look at my ass. No. No boobs.

I'm going to Hollywood.

Pop, I've got good news.

What if I told you
I can get you $10,000?

I'd say, go get it.

Saturday, King of the Bar
Championship in Los Angeles.

Ten thousand dollars to the winner.

So I figure, plane fare,
hotel, rent-a-car.

- Two thousand dollars ought to do it.
- Ought to do, my ass.

Two grand is your
vo-tech-tuition money.

- That, I don't touch.
- I can win this, Pop.

What happens if you don't win, huh?
Your future goes right down the drain.

No. N-O. No.

I ain't spending
a lot of money on a hotel.

You go, you're staying
with your Uncle Earl.

That's right.
Gay Uncle Earl lives out there.

Who? Uncle Earl?

- Who's gay?
- Nobody.

Pop, come on.
Uncle Earl is gay. Why fight it?

He's a little colorful. Is that a crime?

It's all hearsay. Believe me.

Your Uncle Earl
is 100 percent not gay.

- Who is it?
- Uncle Earl, it's me, Owen.

Owen?

Just a minute.

Be right there.

I wasn't expecting you till the 3rd.
What day is it?

- It's the 3rd.
- Oh, so it is.

How was your flight?

- Did I catch you at a bad time?
- No, no.

Welcome to Hollywood.

Oh, you should've seen
your face.

I wish I'd had my camera.

I had you going, boy.
I had you going.

- I had you, right?
- You had me.

I had you. I was reeling
your ass in. Reeling it in.

I thought, you know,
"I'll fuck with Owen."

Now, tell the truth.

There, for a second,
you were thinking, "Oh, shit."

Uncle Earl loves cock.

Exactly. Exactly.

I love cock.

It's so ludicrous, you know.

Look at you, Mr. Hollywood, huh?

Anything you wanna do,
you just say so.

Cruise down to the beach,
check out the ocean.

You've never seen the ocean,
have you?

- It's fucking huge.
- Honestly, I don't give a shit.

I wanna win this bar thing,
then get back home.

- Yeah, when is this bar thing anyway?
- Tomorrow. You're gonna go, right?

Well, yeah. Am I gonna go?
Of course I'm gonna go.

Wouldn't miss it. I'll just call in sick.

Those cocksuckers
can kiss my ass, right?

- You're still doing news-camera stuff?
- lf you call J. Lo's gigantic ass news.

I'm over there now.
Hollywood Scoop. Pip Wingo.

- Ought to be my face on that bus.
- That dude's a real dipshit, huh?

I would say yes,
but that would be an insult to shit.

Speaking of that shithead,
that's what we'll do.

I'll call Pip, get him to put us
on the list at Velour.

That's the new
happening place in town.

I'll show you Hollywood,
Uncle Earl style.

These damn heels are killing me.

- Why'd you park so far away?
- Valet's for suckers.

I park my own fucking car
like a real man.

Heads up.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Pardon me. Pardon me.

Celebrity coming through.
What are you wearing, dear?

Excuse me.

What am I? In-fucking-visible?

Yo, chief.

I'm on the list.

- Name?
- Peadman, plus one.

You're sure you're on the list?

Yeah, stretch, I'm sure.

I work with Pip Wingo,
Hollywood Scoop.

I'm sorry, you're not on the list.

Step back, please.

Motherfucker. He fucked me.

Bitches.

Pip. Pip. Pip, it's Earl.

Pip.

What the fuck?
He fucked me twice.

Your tech guy needs a talking to.

He will rue the day.

Fuck me once, shame on you.

Fuck me twice, you get
the needle-nose pliers, bitch.

Fucking leeches. Damn it.

Holy shit, it's Hayden Field.

- Hayden.
- Who's Hayden Field?

- Only the sexiest man alive, hello?
- Out of the way. Out of the way.

- Move, asshole.
- "Move, asshole"?

Yeah.

Who wants some?
Who wants some?

- God.
- Oh, yeah.

Don't hold me.

My God. Did you see that?

Oh, yeah. Let go.

Did you see that? My nephew.

My brother's kid.

- Hey, Isaac.
- Yeah.

And the winner of the King
of the Bartending Championship...

...is Johnny "Cocktail" Dresden.

You gotta be kidding me. This thing's
fixed. What, are you crazy?

Thank you. There you go.

Fixed. Fixed. You cocksucker.

It's fixed. This thing is rigged.

I can't go back without the money.
I promised my dad.

Oh, yeah, you got fucked. Bigtime.
Tell him, Tom.

Well, it just so happens that my
ex-girlfriend does club promotions...

...and I am certain that two out of three
so-called judges that were there...

...are investors in that Drakkar factory,
Club Velour.

- What'd he say?
- He said you got fucked.

Because I'm gonna give
you one guess...

...which club
the winner bartends at.

Yep.

Cocksuckers, all of them.

You give them an inch,
they fuck you.

You sneeze, they fuck you.

Hollywood is... Is... Is a 10-story cock
just fucking everything in its path.

Like Madonna.

- Hello?
- Ass-munch, it's Rusty.

No, dude, the other Rusty.

- What's up?
- What's up with the "what's up," man?

Did you win the bar thing or what?
What happened?

Yeah, yeah, I won.

You won? Holy shit, man,
that's awesome.

Wait till I tell fucking Frank, dude.
He's gonna shit himself.

Was that you in the bar that I saw
on TV hitting the dude in the face?

Did you hucklebuck him?

That was you, wasn't it?

- What?
- Awesome.

All right, dude, I gotta go.

I gotta take the garbage out
because Rusty won't...

...and Frank's having
a heart attack.

You be good, butt plug.

- when Lisa attacks.

- This was the scene Thursday night...
- I got an idea.

... at Club Velour in Hollywood...

... where girlfriend of actor
Hayden Field, Lisa Mancini...

... suddenly and without warning,
viciously accosted...

... unsuspecting paparazzi.

Then, in a bizarre turn,
Hayden Field himself...

... was almost accosted
by what some witnesses describe...

... as two rabid, gay boy fans.

Motherfucker.

See? It never ends.

Anyway, get dressed. I got an idea.

So you always take
the fucking stairs?

Come on, it's good for you.

Well, I figure, why sit at home
playing with yourself...

...when you can
make money working?

It ain't 10 grand,
but life marches on, right?

Go fuck yourselves.

Help. It's the two rabid, gay fans.

- Did you write that yourself?
- Well, I just read what they give me.

Who's your new friend?
Seems a little old for you.

It's my nephew, Owen.
He's gonna be working here.

Oh, welcome aboard, Opie.

Pip Wingo.

I had a gerbil named
Pip Wingo once.

And poor, sweet Earl
is hung like a gerbil.

Life's cruel ironies.

By the way, Pip,
I wasn't on the Club Velour list.

Really? Well, that's strange
because I called.

- Yeah. Well, I wasn't on it.
- You're better off.

All right, all right.
Let me make it up to you.

Tell you what...

...I am gonna
give you... the Hayden Field interview.

Hayden Field doesn't do interviews.

No, but his shit-wrangler does.

"Cole Brown. Fecal therapist"?
You have got to be shitting me.

I shit you not.

Turd reading, it's the new yoga.
And our boy is the number-two guru.

A shit whisperer.

Hayden Field's shit whisperer.

You can thank me later.
Go get him, slugger.

I'll tell you one thing,
I ain't shaking his hand.

J. Lo, Puff Daddy, Demi Moore,
Ashton Kutcher...

...I do all their stool work.

Well, you heard it here. J. Lo poops.

Now, how about Hollywood hottie
Ben Affleck?

Well, I can't say
I've had the pleasure.

- You crack me up.
- Can we maybe..?

Could we just stop?

Because I have to...
I just have to take a...

Cut.

Stop it.

Does this guy ever stop shitting?

Well, it is his job. What's yours?

Go fuck yourself, Earl.

- I gotta take a leak.
- Go take it.

Don't get lost.

What are they shooting, pops?
Postman II?

Crazy Town reshoot.

- What a stinker.
- Tell me about it.

See that extra playing
stab victim number five.

- He is so hot.
- Yuck, I'd never date an extra.

- Come on. What if he was a nice guy?
- lf he was nice, maybe.

But he'd have to have a nice car
and no body hair.

My grandfather has a nice car
and no body hair.

Yeah, I know. I fucked him.

You guys are terrible.

Well, I gotta go. I have to feed
His Majesty his boring lunch.

Oh, that is so sweet.

His fecal therapist
is totally up my ass.

Like I don't have
better things to do.

Bye. Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye. Love you. Mean it.

"Better things to do"?
Like spending Daddy's money?

Like how she'd spend it
on a boob job.

Gee, you know,
I wish my daddy ran the studio.

Then I can pretend that Hayden Field
loved my cheesy-perfumed ass too.

Hey, watch it.

Who's that supposed to be?
Abe Lincoln?

Hayden Field. Nice guy.

He's working today too.

Don't fuck with me, pops.

I ain't fucking with you.
He's shooting over at Hangar 9.

Penny, Hayden Field, first interview.

I smell Daytime Emmy.
Get the camera.

- Screw poop boy. Grab the camera.
- Coming through.

Hey, little girl,
you want some candy?

All right, all right. Appreciate that.

Hey, yo, Johnny Crazy.
I thought you was dead.

Well, you thought wrong.
School's out, punk.

Don't hurt me, man.
Don't hit me.

Cut, cut, cut.

The boom, the boom.

Reset.

You okay, man?

Hayden. Hayden, hi, how do you do?
Hollywood Scoop. How are you?

Excellent. I'm a lucky guy.
I'm a lucky guy.

So, what's going on
with you and Lisa Mancini?

- Hayden.
- I love you.

It's not happening today, guys.
Come on.

Thank you.

Asshole.

Back to Mexico. Poor bastards.

- That's the girl.
- "That's the girl," what?

That knocked over the statue?

That's Lisa Mancini.
Her father runs this dump.

She's pretty, huh?

- Yeah.
- Well, we've been thrown off the lot.

- What?
- Your nephew caused the accident.

What? That is bullshit.

Well, according
to Lisa Mancini, you did.

Pip says you're both
getting fired.

Fired? Who says so?
That sack of shit?

You tell Pip to shove it
up his Tootsie Pop ass.

Oh, well, why don't you tell
him yourself, bigmouth?

- Hello?
- Well, hello, Earl.

- You were saying?
- What's this I'm-fired shit?

Earl. Baby.

Now, listen. My hands
are tied on this one.

Now, you and Opie cost
the studio half a mil.

You nearly killed the boss's daughter
and almost lost us lot access.

Brother, the ax must fall.

Oh, really?

Well, how about this, Pip?

Go fuck yourself.

You fucking flawless, fucking
fuck-faced, backstabbing cocksucker.

Bye-bye, Earl. This is Pip Wingo...

...and you're still fucking fired.

Not your fault.

That dirty whore, Lisa Mancini.

She seems nice. I think if I talk to her,
I could straighten this whole thing out.

This ain't Minnesota. You just show up
at somebody's house out here...

...a pit bull gnaws your dick off.

Two-one, though,
she'll be at Club Velour tonight.

Well, let's go.

And do what? We can't get in.

- What if we could?
- Well...

...we can't.

Can we?

What's in the closet?

Nothing.

Costumes.

Halloween costumes.

- Ready to rock?
- Oh, I'm ready to rock.

Wish these fucking pants
weren't ass-less, though.

Wait till I get ahold of that damned
Halloween-costume-salesman prick...

...for selling me defective pants.
Come on. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Nice try.

Sir, we ship out in 0800 hours
to parts unknown...

...to protect maggots
like you from evils.

You fucking pinko.

- Baby killer.
- Fascist.

- Warmonger.
- Baby killer.

Cram it.

Look at him go, look at him go.

I'm gonna go cruise. For chicks.

So the game plan is,
Margot's gonna give Nick a blow job.

- So you fuck Jimmy. I'll fuck Erik.
- I'd rather fuck the black guy.

Boots? Boots is, like, down here,
Jimmy's, like, up here.

You fuck up the ladder,
stupid, not down.

Whatever.

Oh, did you hear
who Lisa Mancini fucked?

- Who?
- Jesus.

The valet guy at White Lotus.

Yeah, this guy in my acting class
says that's, like, the rumor.

A valet guy? Barf. What a slut.

Hey, you're Lisa, right?

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.

- I'm the guy from today, the studio.
- Oh, right.

You. Look, I'm sorry about today.
I was freaking out, and...

Anyway, I apologize.

It's no big deal. See, the thing is...

- Seamen Dick?
- What?

Oh, this... My Uncle Earl's gay.
It's a long story.

Anyways, I think there's
a big misunderstanding.

See, they think that
I caused the accident.

- Don't worry, you're not liable.
- Me and my Uncle Earl got fired...

...because someone said
you said I caused the accident.

If you weren't there, I wouldn't
have had to not almost hit you, right?

Look, I'm not gonna argue with you.

All I want from you is I want you
to tell whoever that you lied.

- Because you did.
- Okay, so what? I lied.

Now, listen, Seamen Dick...

...or whatever your name is, sorry
you and your gay uncle got fired.

I am. But my father
is the president of the studio.

And crushing to death
illegal immigrant movie extras...

...is not good publicity.

And more not-good publicity
I don't need right now.

- Now if you'll excuse me...
- No.

- I don't think so.
- Help, stalker.

Yo, yo, what's up?

Sir. Sirs.

- Stay out.
- Hey...

- I'll show you more not-good publicity.
- Wait, wait.

My God, are you..?

- You.
- Fuck.

Idiot.

Oh, what the fuck?

Yep. Dirty whore.

- Hayden, how..?
- Is this guy a retard, or what?

Oh, he's not just a retard.

He's the sexiest retard alive.

Look at them, bunch of jack-offs.

Just licking away,
waiting for a bone.

Without him, they'd be
tarring roofs in the valley.

Her, him, all of them.

They all need
to be taken down a peg.

- Let's do it.
- Do what? What can we do?

I don't know, something.

This is my problem.
You, you've got your problems.

Fuck it. Let's go to Disneyland
and get you a mouse hat.

No, fuck mouse hats. This is war,
Uncle Earl. They have it coming.

Their ass is grass
and I'm the lawnmower.

- You with me?
- With you?

Mowing ass is my middle name.

I mean, you know,
mowing as in... As in kicking.

Kicking ass is my middle name.

Okay, so...

How do we kill two birds
with one stone?

If we get Hayden Field to talk,
it's worth money, right?

Forget it. He don't do interviews.

Unless...

That's it.
Forget about the interview.

The real money's in the dirt.

An exposé. A tell-all.

Real Donnie Brasco shit.

We infiltrate Hayden's pussy posse,
take some notes, dig up skeletons...

...you're looking at a book deal.

Then come the movie rights.

And then the Broadway play

This could be a real monster.
But how?

How do we infiltrate?

We are here with celebrity designer
Lisa Mancini...

... and her new très chic boutique
in Beverly Hills...

... whose grand opening tomorrow
promises to be a star-studded event.

Oh, did you hear
who Lisa Mancini fucked?

- Who?
- Jesus. The valet guy at White Lotus.

The valet guy at White Lotus.

The valet guy at White Lotus.

Thank you.

Okay, I guess without further ado,
I give you...

- What's the name of the store, again?
- Cherry.

Cherry, I give you Cherry.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Okay, good work, good work.
- Yeah.

Okay, I want you out of here now.

No wonder why he dumped you.

Jesus, remember Lisa,
your girlfriend?

- Lisa.
- Come on.

What's your problem?
This is blackmail, I'll call the police.

Call them, we'll get some shots
with them too. Scumbags.

What do you want from me?
Your job back? Money?

- What is it?
- What do I want? I wanna be popular.

When you're voted "most likely to blow
you" in the jail yearbook, thank me.

- Picture time. Jesus.
- You wanna be popular, now what?

Now you introduce me to
your boyfriend and his friends.

- You're one of those creepy fans.
- No, I'm not.

If you really wanna know,
I'm a lonely guy.

I never had any friends and I never
hung out with the popular kids.

I was a nerd. I was a nerd's nerd.
My nickname was wedgie.

Titty-twister and purple nurple
were my friends.

I'd like to hang out with
the in-crowd and be the cool kid.

Is that too much to ask, huh?

Jeez, calm down, all I'm saying is...

...I don't know why you'd wanna
hang out with morons.

If that's what you want, then fine.
I'll introduce you, but...

...I'm not making any promises. Fine.
- Fine.

- Okay, then, let's go.
- You mean, like, right now?

I wanna be popular
today, hot pants.

- Come on, chop, chop, get your stuff.
- You are pathetic.

Picture time.
Jesus, boom-boom señorita?

- Okay.
- Sí, sí. Boom-boom, señorita.

Let's do it.

Can we get some more coffee,
here, sweetheart?

- What's up?
- Lisa in the hizzouse.

What's up, babe? Wanna sit down?

I can't, I'm busy, I was just in the
neighborhood. I came to introduce...

- This is...
- I'm her cousin O. I'm from Minnesota.

- Minnesota?
- Yo, the shit's like minus 50 and shit.

Titty-bar weather, yo.
And those frozen shorties...

...they got some big-ass titties.

- Ask your boy.
- Holler.

- Twin Cities, more like twin titties.
- Yeah.

This motherfucker feeling California
but looking Minnesota.

Hey, ace, we gotta hook your boy up
with some Sean John, though, yo.

Bling.

I dig him, man. He's cool.

- So, what do you do, man?
- Work for a paper. I'm a writer.

Hollywood Scoop, yo.
I knew I knew this nigga, B.

He's the dude that was sweating
the paparazzo outside the club.

- For real?
- That was you, bro?

What can I say, man?
Don't fuck with Minnesota.

Get it.

Why no love then, ace, huh?
You were there.

We were there. Ace pulls a Batman.
What's up with that?

Yeah, I was there. I was outside with
all the other fuckheads.

Just glad our Lisa's okay.

Where you staying at, man?

With a friend.

Should stay with Lisa, man.

She's got this whole guesthouse going
to waste. A pool, Jacuzzi, the works.

- No, I don't wanna impose.
- Come on. Wrong, O man.

Lisa, tell your cousin
he can stay with you.

What's mine is yours.

I'm double-parked.

What's her problem?

That wasn't part of any deal.

- Well, tough titties.
- Cousin? Idiots.

- We look absolutely nothing alike.
- Don't sweat it. If I grow a mustache...

...put a stick up my ass,
nobody'll tell us apart.

I don't have a mustache, you asshole.
And don't get any weird ideas.

My house is alarmed up the
you-know-where. I take Muay Thai.

No offense, but I'd rather put lipstick
on an Easter hare.

Yeah. What?

Hayden Field?

Tonight? I don't have
anything to wear.

I have nothing to wear, nothing.

Oh, I got anemia.
Must have swallowed an Avon lady.

Sure, tonight's good.

- Here's the green stuff.
- You mean the Intrigue?

Yeah.

Good. That'll be my new drink.

You're my favorite actor.

Cool. Thanks, man.

And can I say...

...that your eyes
are an impossible shade of green?

Or are they teal?

I'm not gay, man.

Wrong pipe.

Cheers.

We are now in harm's way...

...eyes open, ears wide.

Take it all in.

Then throw it all away.

I gotta drain the dragon.

- What up?
- What up, O?

What up, son?

He's so important? That guy there?

Oh, that nigga be Man Tits Bill, yo.
He's my dog's agent.

Über-nigga, discovered
my man and everything.

- That nigga make you, break you.
- You need to do this.

For real, hear about a player?

Sucked my man's dick:

- Got a WB show, though.
- Start sucking, bitch.

Hi.

- Holler.
- Last one in is a rotten egg.

Oh, I'll show you a rotten egg,
B-I-itch.

I smell titties, titties, titties.

Titties, titties, titties, ass.

Titties, titties, titties, ass.

What's up, man?
Having a good time?

- This party's not too shabby.
- I knew that.

Somebody hold my tits.
You intrigue me.

And who might this young man be?

Relax, tea bag,
I'm not gonna blow you.

Boots told me
that I'm Hayden's type.

- Am I?
- Yeah, Jimmy says turn the fuck over.

Okay? Come on, let's go.

You wanna hit that shit, bro,
you and your homeboy?

Count me in. They don't call me
Sloppy-Thirds Earl for nothing.

You gonna toot that baby
or powder its ass?

The end of the world is near.

Hope you're taking notes.

- Hey, baby.
- Yeah. Yeah, you the man.

Well.

Dude, that skank
just blew like five dudes, yo.

Dog, she was looking to just give
everybody a free oil change. Like:

How's my dick taste, Nick?

- Soup of the day, man chowder.
- Man chowder.

Charles Manson, where are you
when we need you most?

Papa needs his medicine.

- That's fucked up.
- Hey.

Enjoying your popularity?

- Where's Hayden?
- Snoozing.

That nigga taking a weed nap.

You know, you really should stop
saying nigger all the time.

You sound ignorant.

- Did she just call me a nigga?
- I got Tourette's bitch, shit. Balls.

Vagina.

- Boring party, huh?
- Really?

Oh, you're joking. I don't know.
I'm not from here.

- Thank God. Where you from?
- Ohio.

I moved out here
like three weeks ago.

Wow, and you're still here?

That was a joke too. I get much funnier
after a couple of drinks.

So, what brings you out here?

Acting. I'm an actress.
Well, trying to be.

What's the problem?

You already look like a movie star.
I wouldn't worry.

I was in a play once, 8th grade.
I played a log.

Play sucked, but everyone
loved my log.

Your mind is in the gutter, Ohio.

I didn't say anything.

So is there a boyfriend I have
to beat up? Or did you come alone?

No, I mean, yeah.

I work at this club, Velour Place.
Some guy invited me.

- Jimmy, I think his name was.
- Gay Jimmy?

Jimmy's very gay.

He loves...

Anyway, by the way, I'm Owen.

Well, there you are. I've been
looking all over for you, kitty-cat.

You ready to meet
Hayden Field or what?

- I guess.
- Yeah. All right, well, after you.

Thanks for keeping
her warm, eh? Later.

Paper champion.

That's all you are.

Why don't you go back to the valley,
Quaker Oats, before you get clowned?

Oh, you wanna get it on, pretty boy?

I'll rock you like a fucking hurricane.

What's going on, Uncle Earl?

Johnny Chickenshit here
wants to call his mommy.

How about it, Cheeto dick?

Mano a mano.
You versus my man here.

Who? Hayseed here?

- I've taken shits with more talent.
- Oh, yeah, where are they?

Your shits ain't gonna help you
out of this. Just you and me.

Let's rock 'n' roll, chumpenstein.

Do them all, bro.
Do them all.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Piss off, fad man.
- It puts the lotion on its skin.

Or it gets the hose again.

I'm a gigantic jackass.

Yeah.

Who is that dude passed out
on my pool table?

Man, I just won you $50,000
on Golden Palace. com.

Can we split it?

Hayden, Hayden. Yo, I got an idea
to make some major bread, dog.

Golden Palace. com.

I'm gonna box the bitch
on Pay Per View, right?

I ain't gotta throw a swing
because when she throws a punch...

...one of those titties pop up
and give her a black eye.

- Are you down or what?
- Dude, it's 10:00 in the morning.

Don't even trip, he's down.
Can you go get me a sandwich?

- Coming right up, babe.
- Yeah.

I don't know how they do it.

Just watching these A-holes
suck ass all day and night...

...it's exhausting.

- Excuse us.
- Sorry.

Dog, you gonna have
your own section at Blockbuster.

Three chicks, one rubber.

- Get out of here.
- Oh, yeah.

American psycho,
that shit it wrong, yo.

- Get this sucker going.
- Yeah, way to go, Satan.

Who's that?

Hey, Owen, you wanna read
some scripts for me today?

Any good ones?

Probably not. Yo, y'all, I'm gonna
go down the hill, get some java.

You should come, man.

Look at you, teacher's pet.

Just remember, evil never sleeps.

Keep your dick in your pants.
I'm out of here. You're on your own.

- What are you looking at?
- Take it easy, man. It's cool.

Doesn't that bother you?
People staring at you all the time?

Whatever, man.
I'm just a dude that got lucky.

Put my pants on
like all these other fools.

The difference is,
when you take your pants off...

...you got Playboy bunnies licking
the Bosco off your fat boy.

You're a funny dude, man.

Who's joking? I'd love to be
your dick for a day or two.

Only a fool believes what he reads.

But is he a fool because of,
or in spite of?

It's a quagmire, man,
because most times it's true.

So, what's Lisa up to?
Causing trouble?

Oh, she's down
at the you-know-what today.

You should go and surprise her.

- I should.
- Yeah.

- Where's the you-know-what again?
- Ixnay, man.

Put a dome of silence on that.

- Oh, my God.
- One, three, four.

- Oh, my God, you're Hayden Field.
- Don't scream, man. It's fine.

What in the world?

I'm just the cheese, man.
I'm just the cheese.

- Beats digging ditches though.
- I don't know sometimes, man.

Something Zen-like
about digging ditches.

That's because you're not doing it.

Point taken.

But I could be tomorrow. Dig that.

Doubt it.

Cheese gets moldy, man.

But that's Kool & The Gang.
I'll just go surf.

- Taking notes there, ace?
- What?

- What?
- What?

Better watch out for Lisa, man.
She's cagey.

She got you spying on us.

I'm fucking with you, man.
Relax, bro.

Oh, that girl from last night,
what was her name?

Oh, Dorothy, yeah, that's right.
She said she kind of liked you.

I just thought you might
wanna know that, ace.

Lick balls.

- Yeah, here's your check.
- Yeah.

Yeah, Jimmy's just uptight, man.

Jimmy's a fucking asshole. Gonna
knock his fucking teeth out, jerk-off.

All right, no more coffee
for you, man.

Oh, man.

Nice hairnet. Is it Gucci?

What are you doing here?

Why don't you two just go on, get
married already so I can eat my lunch.

- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.

- Salads...
- How many you need?

I hope you don't think
this means anything more...

...than me giving you a chance
to explain yourself.

Well, excuse me, Miss Mancini.

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Jesus Mancini.

Now, you listen to me,
you little shit.

Not that it's any of your business...

...but that was ages ago.
Before Hayden.

And not that it's any of your business,
once again...

...but Jesus is a very nice,
very sweet person.

And very smart.

He's an aspiring writer who happens
to work as a parking attendant...

...which I didn't know when we met
in the line at Book Soup.

They sell books there.
Those things you read.

So, what you're saying is, you're
too good to go out with a valet guy.

No, I'm not saying that. You are.

So then why not share
your forbidden love with the world?

Because we're not
in Butthole, Minnesota, that's why.

Didn't your mother ever tell you
nobody likes a wiseass?

My mother ran off with the butcher.
You happy now, Miss Fancy Pants?

- That answers my question.
- You know, the funny thing is...

...my mom runs off with the butcher,
my dad opens a steak house.

- Pretty funny, right?
- Oh, yeah, it's a riot.

You know, all good things
come to an end...

...and so do all bad things,
so it evens out.

And that, class,
is why God invented alcohol.

Enough about me,
what's your story?

My story? My father's a prick with ears
and my mother's a Playboy centerfold.

Whoa, what'd you just say?

Haven't you ever heard
that expression?

My friends and I back home
would say it all the time.

"So-and-so's a prick with ears."
Owen's a prick with ears.

Wow, you remember my name.
So you're from Idaho.

Yeah, I'm from Idaho. I moved out here
like three years ago...

...to, I don't know,
see what the big deal was.

Make my father happy.

- My mom lives there.
- Your mom, the Hustler centerfold?

No, Playboy.
Miss September, 1971.

- Wow, well, that explains it.
- That explains what exactly?

Explains why you're so damn sexy,
pain in the ass.

- Shut up.
- Look who's falling in love.

You wish.

Anyway, I moved out here
three years ago...

...and now here I am, here with you.

You're welcome.

- You hate it out here, don't you?
- Yeah, I hate it.

I hate the nonsense.
I hate the traffic.

I hate the parties.
The endless, boring parties.

I'd rather stay home
and read a book.

- You're a nerd.
- Yeah, I guess so.

I just want
what everybody else wants.

Get married, have kids,
little house, big smelly dog.

You got a problem with that?

Because everybody else
out here seems to.

When did it become a sin
to be normal?

Well, I'm not from out here.

So the Wishing Well shelter?

Seriously, you can't tell anybody
about this place.

God forbid people think you're nice.

No, it's not that, I just...
The Wishing Well is my secret.

I run it, I fund it.

Well, A.J., my father, he funds it.
He just doesn't know he funds it.

See, he gives me the money
for my so-called...

...designer-clothing-line store,
Cherry.

Whatever.
To make a long story short...

...I funnel all the money he gives me
here into the shelter. That's it.

Wait, am I missing something?

It's not like you're funneling
the money through a crack house.

He'd like that better.
I'd be making money.

Trust me, he's a prick with ears.

Well, I gotta tell you,
Jesus is a lucky man.

How do you even know about that?

Who are you?

With this whole I-wanna-be-popular
crap, what is that about? Seriously.

It's not like you're lacking
in self-confidence or anything.

I like French-fried potatoes.

You're an ass.

Holy shit, we made it.

Hey, I tell you, I was a little worried.
I've seen your driving. A little scary.

- But we made it and we're safe and...
- Shut up.

Listen, I'd invite you in, but we both
know what would happen then.

Oh, really? What would happen?

I'd make grilled cheese...

...maybe give you a little foot rub,
we'd watch wrestling. What else?

Why, what did you think?

Yeah, what did you think?

I know what you thought.
You thought naughty, huh?

- No.
- I'm not like that.

I'm a gentleman and scholar.

Okay, I would never...
Well, yes, I would.

Well, we would, but anyway...

Why don't l..? Why don't you come in,
I'll rub some butter on the toast. No?

- No. No.
- Come on. It's... It's nice.

Pilates, anyone?

Hey, check out the guns.

I'm about the same size
as Hayden Field, don't you think?

Oh, your friend Rusty called.

Just said call him back.

What's up, bro? Is Owen around?

Hi.

Yes, he is.

Hayden Field.

Hey, what's up? I was up at Lisa's.
She said you'd be here.

I got... I got a surprise for you.

Oh, yeah, what?

A surprise, man. Let's take a ride.

Okay. Be back in a little bit.

Lisa's my cousin, man.

Snapping on that paparazzo dude,
the coffee shop scene?

- I owe you, man.
- Yo, I don't know how to act.

It's easy, man.
Flipper's a dolphin, he can act.

Plus, it'll be cool for your bros
back in Minnesota.

I forgot my line.

It's all right here, all right?

Crazy Town reshoots, take one.

- Line.
- Cut.

- The actor wanted...
- There goes Oscar. Shit.

It's fucking hot in here.

I thought you said
we were gonna go work out.

We are, man.
This is the executive workout.

- And dig this...
- Oh, that's right.

- Dude.
- That one right there.

- Do you know who I am?
- Mister, I don't know who I am.

In here, I'm just another Joe.
It's like being on the fucking moon.

- The moon ain't this fucking hot.
- You got that Minnesota blood.

You ain't used to the heat.
We should go surfing.

I left my surfboard in Minnesota.

Not a problem. I got like 50.

You have 50 surfboards?

Yeah, I got like 50 of everything.

It's crazy. People just give me shit:
cars, clothes, it's crazy.

All that shit in my ride?
All that Reebok stuff? Freebies.

- Freebies?
- Freebies.

If I was you,
I think I'd be an asshole.

Yeah, it's a trip being me.

My old man's a plumber,
works his ass off.

Only free shit he ever got was,
like, a tallboy, you know...

...after he snaked some dude's
busted crapper.

Dude, my dad worked
at a Porta-John plant.

- No way.
- Similar.

- Small world.
- All dealing with shit.

Now he has a steak house.

Well, he sort of does. It's...

You know, money problems
and all that shit.

So we're...

- Oh, that's a bummer, man.
- Yeah.

Don't worry about it though.
I got some stuff working up.

I like you, man. You're a good dude.
You're all right.

All right. Peace, bro.

What am I supposed to do
with all this?

Give them to your bros, man.
Whatever.

Take as many as you can grab.

Oh, yo, I know
you don't dig the dude...

...but Jimmy's having
a Jimmy-got-a-gig party tonight.

You should cruise by.

- All right, call me.
- All right, later. I will.

Hey, Otis, what's going on here?

It's your boyfriend, Miss Mancini.

- How's that, Cinderella?
- Mighty fine.

Lisa, what's wrong?

This. Everything. I'm just...
I'm sick of this.

Every week: "Too fat, too thin.
Too this, too that."

Hayden dumps fatty? I weigh 113.

Stalker? I'm your fucking blackmailer.
Get it straight, fuckheads.

- We're not even...
- Not even what?

Sex Pistols, notwithstanding,
punk rock was a media event.

And that is not my ass.

I don't know who's ass it is,
but it's not mine.

- Listen, who cares? It's just the paper.
- It's not just the paper, it's...

This. This is real.
This is you, not that crap.

What's up? Go get her, nigga.

- Well, what was that for?
- For being so smart.

I have a confession to make,
I'm not that smart.

I know. That was a nice thing you did.
Thank you.

What can I say?
I have a thing for nerds.

I have this premiere thing
tomorrow night. Go with me.

I mean, if you wanna go with me.

- What about Hayden?
- What about Hayden?

I better get back inside,
but this is a thing.

It's tomorrow night, 8:00.
I have to meet you there, okay?

And you better not stand me up.

Hey, Big Earl, it's Hayden Field.

Just calling to let your boy Owen
know that there's a party...

Hey, Big Earl, it's Hayden Field.
Just calling to let your boy Owen...

Hey, Big Earl, it's Hayden Field.

Just calling to let your boy Owen
know that there's a party happening...

- Hey, Big Earl...
- Oh, hey.

There's a message for you.

Hey, Big Earl, it's Hayden Field.
Just calling to let Owen know...

... that there's a party happening
tonight, and...

And that I need to speak to him
about something. All right, peace.

"Big Earl." Wait until those queens
down at the gym here this.

Oh, and your buddy Rusty called.
What's your problem?

I kissed Lisa Mancini.

All right. Let's all just calm down.

You forced yourself on her,
and then what?

She kissed me. I'm going out
with her tomorrow night.

You think he knows about it?

Okay. Let's slow down.

First off: no.

No, no, no. Bad idea.

We do not shit where we eat,
and we keep our dick in our pants.

We discussed this.

Second off, you hillbilly bastard,
you can't kiss her, she's your cousin.

Unless he told her I'm not.
Maybe it doesn't matter even.

Punk rock was a media event.

Either way, he's gonna find out
about us sooner or later.

Us? Punk rock?

Have you gone in-fucking-sane?

Open your eyes, we're this close.

Don't let them suck you into their...
Their flunky hell.

We got interested parties lined up,
and they all say one thing:

"Juicy."

"Juicy" sells soap...

...whores, addictions, porn.

We need "juicy."
You listening to me?

"Juicy." I heard you.

Hey, Big Earl, it's Hayden Field.
Just calling...

So, what's this party for?

- My nigga going prime time, yo.
- Shoot, Man Tits Bill, yo.

Nigga pick up
the phone... shit just blows up, son.

Yeah, shit blows up all right.

Keep it up, ace,
I'll get you in under five.

- Yeah, just like your dick.
- Oh, is this yours?

Sorry about that, ace.
Girls, let's go. Come on.

And then I took this photo
with my cell phone.

Yo, come here.

Yo, I been dying to share this
with somebody.

Charlie Sheen gave me this bong,
man.

Tonight is its maiden voyage.

Well, I feel like Neil Armstrong.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

One small step for weed.

Yeah. So did you..?

- Did you hear the news, man?
- No, what?

Lisa and me, man.
She broke up with me.

- No. Really?
- Yeah.

I'm bummed, you know,
but we're cool. It's...

My agent's more bummed
than I am.

Was that what you wanted
to talk to me about?

I wanted to talk to you
about you now.

I wanna help you out.
So, like, round it off.

How much..? How much would it take
to pull your old man out of the hole?

- I don't know, 15, 20 grand.
- Interview me.

- Interview me.
- Interview you?

Interview me. Right?

You're a writer, right?
Ask me some questions.

I'll give you some answers.
Presto, 20 grand.

- Only in Hollywood.
- Cool?

Fuck, yeah,
if it's cool with you.

All right, excellent.

- Interview away.
- All...

All right. Hayden, how you doing?

Good question.

I'm good, man. I'm real good.

- Where the hell is Hayden?
- I don't know.

- No.
- Do it.

All right, now, how do I put this?

Have you ever pulled a rabbit
out of your ass?

Okay. You don't pull no punches,
man, do you?

Hey, we're gonna take a road trip,
man. You gonna come or what?

No, I'm good.

Get that shit out of my fucking face.
What's going on here?

I'm on Oprah, man. Oprah...
Oprah Weedfrey.

Yeah, I don't think Man Tits
is gonna like that too much, bro.

Whatever, man, it's cool.
Go do your thing.

Yep.

Yo, Jimmy,
pick up two double-doubles...

...animal style, please.

Whatever.

So, what were you saying?

What's up..? What's up
with the Man Tits thing, man?

Bill, like, discovered me.

Yeah. I was living in my car, man.
No shit.

And... And then I did this thing...
All right.

Between you and me, all right?

I... I made this tape, you know?
Like, a jerk-off tape.

All right? So my agent, Bill, was, like,
half a fag to begin with.

Turns out he knows some cat
who knows a dude that made a tape.

So he turns Bill on to me.
Next thing you know...

...I'm a fucking movie star.

- Fucking great, right?
- You made a porn tape?

No, no, no, it's stupid. It's just me
standing there punching the clown.

Choking the bishop. The guy had me
in a straw hat and shit...

...with a mullet wig and overalls.

Abe-Lincoln-type beard.

Yeah, that was it.
That was my first starring role.

I'm not kidding you. You know, I mean,
that's the real rabbit story, man.

You know how shit
gets changed around.

One dude says something to another
dude: This, that, the other thing.

Before you know it,
I'm pulling a rabbit out of my ass.

Why?

I don't know, I guess that's what
people are into. Fuck if I know.

What do you think of my hair,
do you like it?

Drugs, bongs, porn.

You're turning into John Holmes.

Look at you. You're a junkie.
Your father's gonna kill me.

And call your fucking friend Rusty,
already. He called again.

- Am I threatening?
- Yeah.

You junkie bastard.
Where did you get this?

It's... It's Machiavellian.

The Tinseltown trifecta.

Superstar, super-stupid,
super-stoned blackjack.

Our troubles are over.

I don't know if I dreamt this or what,
but you know that rabbit story?

- pulled a rabbit out of your ass?

What do you want, ass-bag?

Hayden changed his mind.
He wants his tape back.

- I'm here to collect it.
- This is bullshit, it was his idea.

Yeah, well, he wants
his fucking tape back.

So give me the fucking tape.
Thanks.

- Here's your fucking tape.
- Thanks, faggot.

- Shit.
- Shit, my ass.

- Voilà, fucker.
- What did you give him?

Not this. Don't fuck with an ex-Marine,
motherfucker.

By the way,
Hayden just fucked you.

The cocksucker. See?

So, what does this one do?
He a busboy?

- He's a stalker. Can't you read?
- You're just like your mother.

You eat steak,
but you don't wanna kill the cow.

I don't want steak.
I don't love Hayden. It's over.

I don't get it, man. He was all
buddy-buddy with me last night.

Know what he told me?

The one and only Hayden Field.
Welcome, Hayden.

Now, is it true what I read,
that this is your very first interview?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Buddy-buddy, huh?

You know, I'm just so excited
about my new movie, Crazy Town.

Well, you know what? Good.

Good. Just gives us more ammo
for the exposé.

Now we get down and dirty.
We just need one thing.

Just one juicy thing,
and rabbit boy's going down.

He made a porno.

What did you just say?

That's what he told me last night,
unless I dreamt it.

Said he made a jerk-off tape
or something.

Do they make those?

I wouldn't know. What else?

And that's where the rabbit story
came from.

They had him wearing a straw hat
and overalls.

I don't know, I think
there was something in that weed.

Straw hat, overalls.

There's something
you should know.

I'm gay.

Yeah, and?

Tell me about your magic chicken,
Billy.

His name's Carl.
You wanna see him?

How can something so wrong
feel so right?

Say hello to my little friend.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.

We're rich. I'm a richie.

Who's laughing now?

Your Uncle Earl, that's who.

And to think, I only paid 2 bucks for it
at a yard sale.

Come on, let's boogie.
Time is mother.

I think maybe we should hold off
on this for now.

I have stuff to do today anyway.

Besides wiping your ass with 20s?
I think fucking not.

I told you I have that thing
with Lisa Mancini.

- I gotta get shoes, I gotta get flowers.
- Flowers?

We're sitting on a golden goose here,
and you're picking flowers?

This is it. This is the...
The juicy jackpot.

The guy's jerking
his magic chicken.

It's dirty money, Uncle Earl.
I wouldn't feel right. He's a nice dude.

Don't forget why we did all this:

- To save your old man's steak house.
- There's other ways to make money.

Don't think I don't see
what's happening here.

The little head's running the show,
isn't he?

Yeah. That spoiled little daddy's girl
has got you all fucked up.

She is using you
to get back at Daddy.

- She's not like that.
- She's a whore.

A Hollywood whore. The worst kind.
They've written books.

You don't know what the fuck you're
talking about. You don't know her.

All right? I know what I'm doing.
I gotta go.

I just saw your boyfriend's movie.

It's a piece of shit,
a $90-million piece of shit...

...with my name in big letters,
A.J. Mancini, producer of shit...

...and you don't love him?
If we don't make money...

...on this steaming pile of crap in the
first week, there is no second week.

I got this guy doing
The Morning Show as we speak.

I got him saving a black baby at noon.
Tomorrow I am tying his ass to a tree.

On Friday, he's taking
one of Jerry's Kids to Disneyland.

So you breaking up with him,
not good.

Well, me going out with him is not
gonna make the movie better either.

You force my hand.
You remember Monty Jacobs?

Former literary head
at William Morris?

He's a bum now. Lives on skid row.

He calls me the other day
from a shelter...

...the Wishing Well shelter...

...and who do you think Monty says
he sees at the Wishing Well shelter?

Now, I'm not gonna get cute,
I've known about it for some time.

And honestly, I think it's great
what you do for the bums.

And to be frank, it's been quite
the little honey of a tax write off.

But bottom line is, you go back
with Hayden, or I cut the funding.

No more Cherry, no more trust fund,
no more shelter.

Love? Shit.

- Who are you?
- Lead Mexican number five.

- What's up? Good to see you.
- Hayden. Hayden.

Hey there, how are you?

Hey. Hey.

What's happening?
Good seeing you.

Good to see you. All right.

Hey, Harvey.

What's going on?

Owen, this was a mistake.
I'm sorry you got the wrong idea.

It's him. It's the stalker.

Stalker. Stalker. Stalker.

- Hello?
- Rusty, it's Owen.

What time is it?

Were you sleeping?
What's going on?

Oh, fuck, dude, the sheriff's
coming tomorrow.

- What? What are you talking about?
- It's Frank, man.

He didn't get the loan, bro.

And he didn't get the money
you said you were sending either.

I've been calling,
but you don't call back.

Rusty's been calling you too.

- What's up?
- Yo, tell him I'm getting the money.

There's just some red tape.
I'm getting the money.

It's fucking too late,
they're coming tomorrow.

It's just too late, man.

So good party?

You were right, Uncle Earl,
Hollywood sucks.

Well, I'm not one to sit and gloat,
so I'll stand...

...and tell you this:

If there's one thing I've learned
by getting stepped on by the man...

...till his boot feels good
on the back of my neck, it's this:

Revenge is a dish
best served cold, my friend.

Tonight, Uncle Earl,
we bring Hollywood to its knees.

Exactly where it belongs.
Cocksuckers.

This just in. Actor Hayden Field
has tied himself to a tree...

... to protest, in part, what he calls:

"The senseless, like,
cutting down of trees."

God made little green apples, man,
not little green chainsaws.

Reminds me of my birthday.

What happened to that tape,
I wonder.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Shake it.

Yeah.

- What the hell is this?
- You are out of my mind.

Need I remind you,
Hayden suffers, you suffer.

Come on, I wanna see you all red.

Just lucky that tape is worthless.

It is worthless, right?

Bad man.

Can I sign the contract first?

- Again, again.
- Me next.

- Slap it harder.
- No?

Look at that, look at that.
Yeah, I love that.

- Look at that. How much?
- One hundred thousand.

- Okay.
- An inch, dick-breath.

An inch? What, are you mad?
Who's gonna measure it? You?

We're talking the average penis.
Say, 600?

Oh, bullshit.
Bust out the change, man.

Because that whang
is five inches max on a good day.

Fine, we'll go to Fox.

Wait, wait, wait.

All right. Four hundred.

Five hundred thousand,
going once.

Five hundred thousand,
going twice.

This ain't your NAMBLA dues,
dickhead.

Cash, fork it over.

Great, bitch.

I got plenty.

So much I lost count.

Pardon my French.

Nose work, zippy.
Can't smell a thing.

Well, you don't know
what you're missing.

He's pulling his pork,
what, am I speaking Chinese?

Just do it, Penny.

Always a pleasure, Earl.
Have fun drinking yourself to death.

Buy you a drink?

Corvette? Two Corvettes.
One for each nut.

I'm Penny Dhue
with breaking news from Hollywood.

A shocking
and what some are describing...

... as disturbingly gay porn tape...

... reportedly showcasing the genitals
of teen heartthrob Hayden Field...

... has at this hour been discovered
by our very own Pip Wingo.

The actor best known
for his roles in such films as...

...Blood in My Eye
and Dead Men Don't Bleed...

... appears to be much younger
in the tape.

And in the words
of one eyewitness:

"Masturbating furiously."

FYI, this tape is the property
of Pip Wingo Enterprises.

Any use of the images, pictures
or accounts of this tape...

...without my permission
is prohibited.

As I will be buying a house
on motherfucking Maui...

...with the DVD sales alone.

Gentlemen.

Feast your eyes on
Billy Joe Jerks His Chicken.

What's this? Who's that?

It's there, I know it's there.

Where's the chickens, Pip?

I don't know what this is...

...but when you tell the people
"live at 5," it means live at 5...

...you bigmouth, bucktooth jackass.

Pardon my French.

No!

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

So...

Me, me, me.

Hello. Dad.

Hey, you sitting down?

You sitting down?

Got the piles, can't sit down.

But listen, some big-shot lawyer
called, says he's...

... wiring $25,000 to my account.
Courtesy of a...

...Billy Joe chicken jerker
or some crazy shit.

You know anything about this?

Yeah, I think I do, Dad.

How did I know that?

Hey, go run your restaurant, Dad.

Right.

What?

Our top story tonight, the shocking
gay porn that's rocked Hollywood.

Here with more
is our very own Pip Wingo.

Pip?

Thank you, Penny.

"Shocking"...

...is the word being used
to describe the sex-tape scandal...

...involving hunky young actor,
Hayden Field...

...Jimmy Desnappio.

A friend and onetime lackey
of Mr. Field's...

...and star of the WB's
in-the-works dramedy Pete's Pond...

...was caught red-handed...

...displaying his talents
to a young fan.

A young...

...but disappointed fan apparently.

I'm Jimmy Desnappio, damn it.

This doesn't happen
to Jimmy Desnappio.

It's okay, Jimmy Desnappio.

Whiskey dick is common
after a scrotum lift.

Scrotum tuck.

Is that why they call you Jimmy
"Eggplant up his butt" Desnappio?

- Eggplant. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

There's nothing Jimmy Desnappio
likes more than produce up his butt.

Now stick this eggplant...

- ... up Jimmy Desnappio's butt.
- Shit.

We'll be back after these words
from Jimbo:

soap on a rope.

You're fired.

Thar she blows.

The Hayden Field actioner
Crazy Town...

... was top at the box office
for the second week in a row.

Pulling in an estimated 90 million
in ticket sales this weekend alone.

And in related news,
the top-selling videos this week are:

Pretty Woman 2...

...Bad Boys 3...

... and topping the charts
for the second big week:

Billy Joe Jerks His Chicken.

Hey, it's that eggplant-up-the-butt
guy.

Hey, can I get
an eggplant sandwich? Jerk off.

I'm Earl Peadman
and that's the scoop from Hollywood.

- Cheerio.
- Goodnight, everyone.

- Good job, Earl.
- I love this so much.

Hey, what's up, man? Is that you?

Do you have a minute?

Yeah, what's up? Yo.

Check this out.

My next movie, Valet Whore.

Written by some dude...

...named Jesus.

Can you believe that shit?
The dude named Jesus...

...writing a movie
named Valet Whore?

Oh, that's heavy, man. Anyway.

What's up with you?
Why are you so blue?

Going back to Minnesota
in a couple days.

Wanted to come by
and thank you...

...for sending my dad that money.

You didn't have to do that.

Contrary, man.

You were sent to me.

I should be thanking you.

Thanking me? The whole thing
was a lie. I'm not a writer.

I'm not Lisa's cousin,
I blackmailed her to say that shit.

My dad, the restaurant...

I was desperate, man.
I was desperate...

...and I did some things
I'm not proud of.

Dude, I pulled my ham
in a mullet wig, all right?

Touché about that, man.

I'm really sorry,
I didn't mean for that to get out.

Yeah. I'm gonna blow your mind.
Because...

...sub-like-consciously, I did.

That's what my yogi said.

He said through you
I sought to exorcise my demons.

Yeah, that's why I told you, man.

That's why you were sent to me.

To slay the rabbit.

Wow, that is one smart yogi.

Did you talk to Lisa, man?

No, why'd she say something?

No, I'm just saying, man.

I mean, you like her, right?

She's a cool chick, man.

It's her old man that's not cool.

Guy's a douche bag.

Telling her what
and what not to do and whatnot.

Like, telling her she's gotta go
to the premiere with me...

...because he says so or else.

- She said that?
- Yeah, man.

She moved out.

She left him, you know?

Good for her.

She's out there working,
making her own bread.

She'll be all right.

What about the shelter?

It's all on her now, man.

I'll tell her you say goodbye, man.

Let it go.

Excuse me, sir.

What's going on here?

Crazy Town.

Movie star.

Hayden?

No, no, no.

Mexican number five.

Everybody can come out now.

- We're free.
- The town has been saved.

Is anybody sitting here?

It's the best part.

God bless you, Johnny Crazy.
God bless you.

Let's dance.

- De Niro who?
- I think I'm gonna cry.

I have that effect on women.

Earl told me you'd be here. Just
in case you thought I was stalking you.

Get in line, toots.

Did you rob a bank?

I'll take that as a thank you
and you're welcome.

I'm sorry about what I did.

Say you forgive me.

I don't know.

All right, I forgive you.

Good because I don't forgive you.

You lied to me,
you blackmailed me.

What am I forgetting?

All right, I need to ask you something.
It's very important.

What?

Do you like steak?

I love steak.

Guess what? You're my
new girlfriend. Congratulations.

What can I say?
I have a thing for nerds.

Stop. Come on.
Come on, give it to me.

You. I kicked your ass
in high school, remember?

Thank you.

Snow.

Snow.

Back to you, Running Deer.