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1
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Why am I in Alaska?!
2
00:00:01,192 --> 00:00:04,130
Ask my crust of son Nate Parker!
3
00:00:04,131 --> 00:00:06,682
He's the one who has nothing
better to do with his life
4
00:00:06,683 --> 00:00:07,876
than disappoint a woman
5
00:00:07,877 --> 00:00:10,035
by promising to be with her forever.
6
00:00:10,036 --> 00:00:11,196
Holy shit.
7
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,227
That's your mother?
8
00:00:13,229 --> 00:00:13,702
Yeah.
9
00:00:13,704 --> 00:00:15,877
- That explains a lot.
- Are you married?
10
00:00:15,878 --> 00:00:18,140
And what shovel-faced herbivore
11
00:00:18,142 --> 00:00:20,779
lets you jam your shriveled
manhood inside her
12
00:00:20,780 --> 00:00:23,412
in some bloated imitation of passion?
13
00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:25,775
Just thought it would be important
to have some family at the wedding.
14
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,737
And is that why you stood
her up at the altar?
15
00:00:27,738 --> 00:00:28,209
No.
16
00:00:28,719 --> 00:00:31,153
Marriage has never
really worked in my family.
17
00:00:31,155 --> 00:00:34,151
If you're not gonna charge me,
at least stick it in me.
18
00:00:34,152 --> 00:00:36,512
?
_
19
00:00:41,177 --> 00:00:42,542
How good is this, right?
20
00:00:42,939 --> 00:00:44,584
Told you it was gonna be nice.
21
00:00:45,069 --> 00:00:47,863
Best vacation ever!
22
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:50,089
[chuckles] God.
23
00:00:50,090 --> 00:00:52,643
First time alone
in I don't know how long.
24
00:00:52,644 --> 00:00:54,036
- Two years.
- No, it hasn't been that long.
25
00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:55,169
Yeah, since the kids were born.
26
00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:56,788
Well, I'll drink to that, then.
27
00:00:59,083 --> 00:01:00,144
You certainly will.
28
00:01:01,039 --> 00:01:01,851
Mmm.
29
00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:04,417
Ohh!
30
00:01:05,994 --> 00:01:06,884
Boats!
31
00:01:07,348 --> 00:01:08,148
Am I right?
32
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:09,832
And water.
33
00:01:10,674 --> 00:01:11,658
And floating.
34
00:01:12,350 --> 00:01:13,276
I told you it was gonna be nice.
35
00:01:13,277 --> 00:01:14,947
You did. You told me. Many times.
36
00:01:14,948 --> 00:01:18,193
I said, "Me, you, boat, nice."
37
00:01:18,194 --> 00:01:21,470
- That's exactly how you said it, yep.
- [grunts]
38
00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:25,707
Man, you're drinking a lot, babe.
39
00:01:26,344 --> 00:01:27,763
[dance music plays] Party boat.
40
00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:30,946
Koo-ooh-koo-koo-koo! Koo-koo-koo!
41
00:01:30,948 --> 00:01:32,498
TOGETHER: Koo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
42
00:01:32,499 --> 00:01:34,511
Ah, they're doing it! Hey!
43
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,503
[Jamaican accent]
Jamaica me thirsty, mon!
44
00:01:36,504 --> 00:01:38,754
[crowd cheering]
45
00:01:38,756 --> 00:01:40,189
We're in the Dominican.
46
00:01:40,191 --> 00:01:41,813
[normal voice] God,
I'm so good at accents.
47
00:01:41,814 --> 00:01:43,426
You know, I was thinking
about inventing a game.
48
00:01:43,427 --> 00:01:43,725
Hmm?
49
00:01:43,726 --> 00:01:45,257
Where you do an accent
and you guess for points.
50
00:01:45,258 --> 00:01:46,691
- Gimme one.
- Uh, mime.
51
00:01:47,098 --> 00:01:48,266
Come on. Give me a good one.
52
00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:49,453
How about a tongueless person?
53
00:01:49,454 --> 00:01:51,281
Okay, how 'bout this? [grunts]
54
00:01:51,282 --> 00:01:52,608
[Australian accent] G'day, mate.
55
00:01:52,609 --> 00:01:54,914
Let's throw another wallaby
on the shrimp.
56
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:57,410
Huh? Dingo.
57
00:01:57,411 --> 00:01:58,732
Kangaroo Jack.
58
00:01:59,197 --> 00:02:03,702
I'm Paul Hogan from down in the Outback.
59
00:02:03,703 --> 00:02:05,065
- Yeah, I get it.
- Bloomin' onion.
60
00:02:05,066 --> 00:02:07,376
- I get it.
- "Crocodile Dundee."
61
00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:10,007
You know? Mad Max.
62
00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:14,684
- Mad Max. Mad Max.
- I heard you the first time.
63
00:02:14,685 --> 00:02:16,177
[normal voice] Yeah?
Well, guess. It's a fun game.
64
00:02:16,178 --> 00:02:18,227
It's not fun, nor is it a game.
65
00:02:18,229 --> 00:02:19,551
You should put on a life jacket.
66
00:02:19,552 --> 00:02:20,603
[Australian accent]
That's for nerds, mate.
67
00:02:20,604 --> 00:02:21,457
Is it for nerds?
68
00:02:21,458 --> 00:02:22,582
- Ah.
- Sorry, kids.
69
00:02:22,583 --> 00:02:24,239
"Real sorry your dad drowned,"
70
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,936
but just look on the bright side, man...
71
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,477
"He looked super-cool doing it."
72
00:02:27,478 --> 00:02:28,594
Damn straight.
73
00:02:28,595 --> 00:02:30,308
'Cause he's Australian!
74
00:02:31,008 --> 00:02:33,976
[normal voice] Two points for me.
That's how the game works.
75
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:38,214
[burps]
76
00:02:38,214 --> 00:02:39,162
This is the best vacation ever.
77
00:02:39,163 --> 00:02:40,516
Ahh! Told ya.
78
00:02:41,389 --> 00:02:44,479
? Somewhere behind the mountains ?
79
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,456
? There is a place I'm thinkin' ?
80
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,046
[distorted music plays]
81
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Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com
82
00:02:52,659 --> 00:02:54,860
?
83
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:56,644
[sighs]
84
00:02:58,533 --> 00:02:59,927
So, listen. Um...
85
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,940
I know we're already together
and stuff, but, uh...
86
00:03:02,941 --> 00:03:04,455
you know, I-I was thinking, you know,
87
00:03:04,456 --> 00:03:06,186
we should take other steps.
88
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,744
So I got a question to ask you. Um...
89
00:03:08,746 --> 00:03:10,812
[breathes deeply]
90
00:03:10,814 --> 00:03:12,581
Ch-ch-ch-ch-chu.
91
00:03:12,963 --> 00:03:13,723
Um...
92
00:03:14,418 --> 00:03:16,973
Hey, can you sit back here
beside me, please?
93
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:18,585
I'm okay over here.
94
00:03:18,586 --> 00:03:22,090
No, I wanna see your face
when I ask you the question.
95
00:03:22,092 --> 00:03:24,660
?
96
00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:25,500
Come on.
97
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,723
Can you put on a happy face, please?
98
00:03:29,647 --> 00:03:31,569
What? I didn't say "relax."
99
00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,289
No, the smile thing's way worse.
100
00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:34,522
How is that worse?
101
00:03:34,523 --> 00:03:37,303
Because it's like you're saying
I'm not fine the way I am.
102
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,347
Because I'm not smiling,
103
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,105
it makes me less of a woman,
like I'm ugly.
104
00:03:40,106 --> 00:03:41,828
Who would ever say you're ugly?
105
00:03:41,829 --> 00:03:44,085
I'm not talking about me. I'm
talking about women in general.
106
00:03:44,086 --> 00:03:46,481
How would a man feel
if he was told to smile?
107
00:03:46,483 --> 00:03:49,161
Okay, "A," you weren't told.
I asked you politely.
108
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,981
Two, I didn't say "smile."
I said "put on a happy face."
109
00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,972
- And, "C," I said...
- [deep voice] "Hey, sweetheart,
110
00:03:53,973 --> 00:03:55,967
would it kill you
to smile a little bit?"
111
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:57,981
And, "D," didn't call you "sweetheart."
112
00:03:57,982 --> 00:03:59,511
And, also, I don't talk like that.
113
00:03:59,513 --> 00:04:00,787
So that's six now.
114
00:04:00,788 --> 00:04:02,540
[normal voice] By telling someone
to alter their appearance,
115
00:04:02,541 --> 00:04:05,450
you're invalidating the day
they're having, or the week
116
00:04:05,452 --> 00:04:06,964
or the... last two years.
117
00:04:06,965 --> 00:04:10,697
Maybe she's been all alone,
raising and cleaning up after
118
00:04:10,698 --> 00:04:12,495
and feeding two screaming 2-year-olds
119
00:04:12,496 --> 00:04:14,867
just to make your selfish
Rainbow Brite life
120
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:16,327
a little bit more pleasant.
121
00:04:17,932 --> 00:04:20,444
Don't really feel like
smiling right now, do you?
122
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:22,619
Not when you yell at me.
123
00:04:30,428 --> 00:04:31,661
I think I want out.
124
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:32,884
What? You want to go back already?
125
00:04:32,885 --> 00:04:34,137
We just got out here.
126
00:04:36,806 --> 00:04:38,354
No. I mean I just... I think...
127
00:04:40,017 --> 00:04:41,761
I think maybe I want out of this.
128
00:04:41,762 --> 00:04:43,257
No, trust me. I went to boat school.
129
00:04:43,258 --> 00:04:44,921
They tell you the safest
place on the ocean
130
00:04:44,922 --> 00:04:47,401
- is always in the boat.
- My God, you're not hearing me.
131
00:04:47,402 --> 00:04:49,975
Yeah, well, you're gonna have
to wait for a bit 'cause...
132
00:04:49,976 --> 00:04:51,651
the sail's all saggy right now.
133
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:53,734
What?
134
00:04:53,736 --> 00:04:54,899
You don't know how to
get us back, do you?
135
00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:56,801
Of course I know how to get us back.
136
00:04:56,802 --> 00:04:58,299
You sail back with the wind.
137
00:04:58,300 --> 00:04:59,665
But the wind's going that way right now.
138
00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:01,035
So you're blaming the wind?
139
00:05:01,036 --> 00:05:02,761
I'm sorry. What else would
you like me to blame it on?
140
00:05:02,762 --> 00:05:04,639
Maybe the 10 beers you guzzled.
141
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,547
Feel free to help out.
142
00:05:05,548 --> 00:05:07,781
I mean, you haven't done a damn thing
143
00:05:07,782 --> 00:05:09,420
the whole time you've
been on the boat. Okay?
144
00:05:09,421 --> 00:05:10,527
Because let me tell you,
145
00:05:10,528 --> 00:05:11,871
when I went to boating school...
146
00:05:11,986 --> 00:05:13,752
Oh, wait! Oh! Nate. Oh, shit!
147
00:05:13,754 --> 00:05:15,253
Oh, shit. Nate! Nate!
148
00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:18,837
- Nate!
- Help! I'm sinking!
149
00:05:18,838 --> 00:05:20,746
Well, take off that parachute
you're wearing!
150
00:05:20,747 --> 00:05:23,064
It's my lucky jersey!
Throw me something!
151
00:05:23,065 --> 00:05:24,480
Please!
152
00:05:24,481 --> 00:05:26,852
Hey! Throw me a life jacket
or something!
153
00:05:27,198 --> 00:05:30,502
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!
154
00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:31,770
I'm gonna save you!
155
00:05:31,772 --> 00:05:32,903
Why would you do that?!
156
00:05:32,904 --> 00:05:35,107
Because you said
you needed a life jacket.
157
00:05:35,109 --> 00:05:36,948
I'm your life jacket. You're welcome!
158
00:05:36,949 --> 00:05:38,782
No, you made things so much worse!
159
00:05:38,783 --> 00:05:40,712
The boat's getting away!
160
00:05:40,714 --> 00:05:41,324
Boat!
161
00:05:42,630 --> 00:05:43,533
Boat!
162
00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:45,271
Boat!
163
00:05:46,431 --> 00:05:48,017
God, what's the matter with you?!
164
00:05:48,018 --> 00:05:49,181
I'm sorry!
165
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,386
God, it's okay. Okay.
166
00:05:50,387 --> 00:05:51,757
Calm down. Calm down, calm down.
167
00:05:52,973 --> 00:05:54,087
We're gonna be okay.
168
00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:55,874
I don't think we will.
169
00:05:57,422 --> 00:06:01,417
_
170
00:06:02,116 --> 00:06:04,286
[suspenseful music plays]
171
00:06:04,287 --> 00:06:06,054
I think we should swim for it.
172
00:06:06,056 --> 00:06:07,407
It's like five miles.
173
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:08,684
We're not gonna make it
with the rip current.
174
00:06:08,685 --> 00:06:10,224
- I can make it.
- You won't.
175
00:06:10,225 --> 00:06:11,503
That sounds like a bet.
176
00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:12,641
Well, it's not.
177
00:06:13,058 --> 00:06:14,389
Ready? Get some!
178
00:06:14,965 --> 00:06:20,835
?
179
00:06:20,837 --> 00:06:22,804
[gasps]
180
00:06:22,806 --> 00:06:30,245
?
181
00:06:31,548 --> 00:06:33,348
[gasps] Oh.
182
00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:34,544
[breathes sharply]
183
00:06:34,545 --> 00:06:36,402
- Foot cramp.
- You okay?
184
00:06:36,403 --> 00:06:38,353
It's the rip currents.
They're too strong on top.
185
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:39,458
- Oh, are they?
- Yeah.
186
00:06:39,459 --> 00:06:40,222
Mm.
187
00:06:40,223 --> 00:06:41,583
I got to go down deep.
188
00:06:41,584 --> 00:06:44,140
[breathes deeply] Get some.
189
00:06:44,827 --> 00:06:48,001
?
190
00:06:48,187 --> 00:06:49,353
[groans]
191
00:06:49,356 --> 00:06:50,955
They're too strong down there.
192
00:06:50,957 --> 00:06:52,800
- How deep did I go?
- Pretty deep.
193
00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:54,636
The back of your head
was almost completely submerged.
194
00:06:54,637 --> 00:06:56,361
Oh, come on. Don't be like that.
195
00:06:56,363 --> 00:06:58,730
- How long was I under?
- Like three seconds. Tops.
196
00:06:58,732 --> 00:07:00,131
What? Bullshit!
197
00:07:00,133 --> 00:07:03,601
?
198
00:07:05,002 --> 00:07:05,436
Oh. How long was that?
199
00:07:05,438 --> 00:07:07,367
- Two seconds.
- What?
200
00:07:07,368 --> 00:07:09,140
[spits]
201
00:07:09,142 --> 00:07:10,675
Oh!
202
00:07:10,677 --> 00:07:15,146
?
203
00:07:15,147 --> 00:07:15,735
_
204
00:07:15,737 --> 00:07:17,515
Hoo!
_
205
00:07:17,517 --> 00:07:18,883
Hoo!
206
00:07:19,141 --> 00:07:19,903
Hoo!
207
00:07:21,004 --> 00:07:21,818
Hoo!
208
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,455
- Hoo-hoo!
- What are you doing?
209
00:07:24,457 --> 00:07:27,291
I'm making loud noises
to scare the sharks away.
210
00:07:27,870 --> 00:07:29,760
That's bears.
Sharks you punch in the nose.
211
00:07:29,761 --> 00:07:31,577
Ah! Now who's the idiot?
212
00:07:31,578 --> 00:07:32,863
Okay, sharks don't have noses.
213
00:07:32,864 --> 00:07:34,664
That's bear... Oh! Oh!
214
00:07:34,666 --> 00:07:35,931
- What?! What?! What?!
- Oh, something...
215
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,066
Something just swam past my leg.
216
00:07:37,068 --> 00:07:38,834
I think there's sharks out here.
217
00:07:38,836 --> 00:07:40,670
Sweetie, one person every two years
218
00:07:40,672 --> 00:07:42,405
gets attacked by a shark, okay?
219
00:07:42,407 --> 00:07:43,739
[screaming] You're fine.
220
00:07:43,741 --> 00:07:45,808
Please, stop! Stop flailing! Please!
221
00:07:45,810 --> 00:07:47,243
What? They smell fear.
222
00:07:47,245 --> 00:07:49,712
Okay. Sorry. That's my scent
right now. I'm scared.
223
00:07:49,714 --> 00:07:51,479
All right, well, go float over there.
224
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,215
I don't want them to smell
your pussy and think it's me.
225
00:07:53,217 --> 00:07:54,917
Oh, my God. That's so emasculating.
226
00:07:54,919 --> 00:07:56,185
Oh, shut up and grow some balls.
227
00:07:56,187 --> 00:07:57,268
I've got balls, okay?
228
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:58,854
Big, big balls.
229
00:07:58,856 --> 00:08:00,589
Personally, I wouldn't mind
if a shark came along
230
00:08:00,591 --> 00:08:02,325
and put me out of my misery right now.
231
00:08:02,327 --> 00:08:03,492
- What?
- Nothing.
232
00:08:03,494 --> 00:08:04,745
Oh, my God.
233
00:08:04,746 --> 00:08:07,031
That's how you sum up
your life right now? Misery?
234
00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:08,297
It was a joke, Nate. Lighten up.
235
00:08:08,299 --> 00:08:09,374
- It wasn't a joke.
- Come on. Yes, it was.
236
00:08:09,375 --> 00:08:11,447
No, it's a joke when everything's fine
237
00:08:11,448 --> 00:08:12,588
between the two of us, okay?
238
00:08:12,589 --> 00:08:15,353
Not when we're fighting
every single second
239
00:08:15,354 --> 00:08:17,459
of every single da... Aah!
240
00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:19,108
Aah! Aah!
241
00:08:19,110 --> 00:08:20,851
We're fine! Quit! Please! Stop!
242
00:08:20,852 --> 00:08:22,575
Stop it! That was my foot.
243
00:08:22,576 --> 00:08:24,547
It wasn't your foot, okay?
244
00:08:24,549 --> 00:08:26,019
I know what your feet feel like, okay?
245
00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:27,853
I rubbed your feet for like a year.
246
00:08:27,854 --> 00:08:30,760
This was scaly and rough
and pointy and...
247
00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:32,296
Aah! It's back! No!
248
00:08:32,297 --> 00:08:33,635
It was my foot!!
249
00:08:36,061 --> 00:08:37,411
I haven't had a chance
to get a pedicure.
250
00:08:38,253 --> 00:08:41,330
?
_
251
00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:53,220
?
252
00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:54,381
[grunts]
253
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:55,351
[gasps]
254
00:08:56,476 --> 00:08:58,335
[gags, coughs]
255
00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,419
God, try and hold down
your chum, Nate. Come on.
256
00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:03,286
[gags, coughs]
257
00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:06,400
I think it's just all this
seawater I've been gargling.
258
00:09:06,401 --> 00:09:07,954
I'm pretty sure it's
the hangover you have.
259
00:09:07,955 --> 00:09:08,641
Well...
260
00:09:08,768 --> 00:09:10,969
[vomiting] Nate. Come...
261
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:13,694
You're literally chumming up the water.
262
00:09:14,675 --> 00:09:17,467
I swear to God. I swear
to God, if I believed in him,
263
00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:20,418
as soon as we're out of this,
I am so done with you.
264
00:09:20,419 --> 00:09:23,005
Oh, yeah, well, we're kinda
stuck together, aren't we?
265
00:09:23,007 --> 00:09:24,087
Yeah, we are. We're stuck together.
266
00:09:24,088 --> 00:09:25,877
We've been stuck together
ever since you knocked me up
267
00:09:25,878 --> 00:09:27,001
the first time we did it.
268
00:09:27,002 --> 00:09:29,606
And now it's two years later,
and it sucks so bad.
269
00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,815
We're just going through
a rough patch, okay?
270
00:09:32,817 --> 00:09:35,518
Terrible twos. Every...
Every couple goes through this.
271
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,020
I tried to get there, Nate.
I really did.
272
00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:39,859
I really did, but I can't.
273
00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:41,496
I mean, I don't even know who you are.
274
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:42,318
Yes, you do.
275
00:09:42,319 --> 00:09:43,515
Who? Who are you?
276
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,934
I'm Nate "the Skate" Parker.
277
00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:47,029
Yeah, well, that's about
the extent of it.
278
00:09:47,031 --> 00:09:49,844
That's all I know. Well, that's
pretty much all there is to know.
279
00:09:49,845 --> 00:09:52,425
Okay? I used to play hockey.
I got three friends.
280
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,805
I work. I come home and spend
time with you and the kids.
281
00:09:55,807 --> 00:09:56,841
And I hate my mom.
282
00:09:56,842 --> 00:09:58,784
I would hardly call napping
on the sofa all weekend
283
00:09:58,785 --> 00:10:00,168
"spending time" with us, but all right.
284
00:10:00,169 --> 00:10:03,144
I'm sorry.
I work hard at my job all week.
285
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:04,098
- Do you?
- Yes.
286
00:10:04,859 --> 00:10:06,793
Mostly. Sometimes.
287
00:10:07,152 --> 00:10:08,410
I mean, there's a lot of sitting, but...
288
00:10:08,411 --> 00:10:09,890
And that requires you
to come home and pound beers,
289
00:10:09,891 --> 00:10:11,705
- watch ice skating until you pass out?
- Hockey.
290
00:10:11,706 --> 00:10:14,157
Wait. I'm not allowed
to blow off a little steam?
291
00:10:14,158 --> 00:10:16,365
How miserable is your life
that you have to blow off steam?
292
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,781
My job sucks!
293
00:10:17,782 --> 00:10:19,382
So when I come home on weekends...
294
00:10:19,383 --> 00:10:21,653
- And week nights.
- I need to decompress.
295
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:22,830
Have a little respite.
296
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:24,622
Do you know how hurtful
that is to me, Nate?
297
00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:27,294
You should look forward
to spending time with us.
298
00:10:27,295 --> 00:10:28,806
That should be your blowing off steam.
299
00:10:28,807 --> 00:10:30,215
That should be your respite.
300
00:10:30,216 --> 00:10:32,115
Oh. And you're Ms. Perfect?
301
00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:33,999
Never said I was.
302
00:10:34,538 --> 00:10:36,876
Like I didn't have
to suffer through six months
303
00:10:36,877 --> 00:10:38,415
of post-navel depression.
304
00:10:39,150 --> 00:10:41,215
- Natal depression.
- What?
305
00:10:41,216 --> 00:10:43,478
- Natal depression.
- Oh-ho-ho!
306
00:10:43,479 --> 00:10:44,687
So funny, huh?
307
00:10:44,881 --> 00:10:46,687
Always jokes at my expense.
308
00:10:47,225 --> 00:10:48,860
- What?
- Nate-al.
309
00:10:49,610 --> 00:10:52,059
You're depressed because
you're with Nate-all-the-time.
310
00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:53,107
Oh, my God!
311
00:10:53,108 --> 00:10:55,126
- You said "post-navel depression."
- Yeah.
312
00:10:55,127 --> 00:10:57,441
And I was correcting you
because you sound like a real...
313
00:10:57,442 --> 00:10:58,815
You know what? Forget it. Forget it.
314
00:10:58,816 --> 00:11:00,066
This is our relationship.
315
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,099
This is us. This is who we are.
316
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:02,275
We're on two separate planes.
317
00:11:02,276 --> 00:11:03,555
And if we get out of this alive,
318
00:11:03,556 --> 00:11:05,271
I am taking the kids,
and I'm leaving you.
319
00:11:05,272 --> 00:11:07,453
I don't ever, ever want
to see you again.
320
00:11:07,454 --> 00:11:09,046
Oh, you think you're
depressed right now?
321
00:11:09,047 --> 00:11:10,986
Try raising kids without a father.
322
00:11:10,987 --> 00:11:13,349
I did fine without a father.
I'll be fine without a husband.
323
00:11:13,351 --> 00:11:15,284
I'll just sprinkle a bunch of
beer cans all over the house
324
00:11:15,286 --> 00:11:16,853
and dirty socks... same same.
325
00:11:16,855 --> 00:11:19,434
Oh, trust me... I'll be seeing
you all the time, okay?
326
00:11:19,435 --> 00:11:20,268
- By order of courts.
- All right.
327
00:11:20,269 --> 00:11:21,474
Well, I'm gonna take
the kids and run away.
328
00:11:21,475 --> 00:11:22,937
- How's that sound?
- I'd find you.
329
00:11:22,938 --> 00:11:24,179
Yeah, trust me... You wouldn't.
330
00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:25,146
And the kids are so young,
331
00:11:25,147 --> 00:11:27,430
they wouldn't remember
anything about you.
332
00:11:27,432 --> 00:11:28,364
[scoffs]
333
00:11:28,366 --> 00:11:29,616
This is just beautiful.
334
00:11:30,516 --> 00:11:31,560
Just beautiful.
335
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:34,443
We're left for dead
in the middle of the ocean,
336
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:35,774
surrounded by sharks.
337
00:11:35,775 --> 00:11:37,529
- There's no sharks!
- There may be sharks.
338
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,727
And now you're telling me
you're gonna break up with me
339
00:11:39,728 --> 00:11:41,007
and kidnap my kids.
340
00:11:41,008 --> 00:11:42,574
What else could go wrong?!
341
00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:47,683
- Huh?
- What is this?
342
00:11:47,685 --> 00:11:48,665
What?
343
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,220
I'm waiting for you to tell me
what else could go wrong.
344
00:11:51,222 --> 00:11:53,126
- This isn't bad enough?
- Aah! No!
345
00:11:53,127 --> 00:11:54,663
- No!
- Oh, my God!
346
00:11:54,664 --> 00:11:55,783
It's my foot!!
347
00:11:55,784 --> 00:11:57,693
[vomiting]
348
00:11:57,695 --> 00:11:58,396
God.
349
00:11:58,397 --> 00:12:00,429
- [vomiting]
- No!
350
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:05,569
_
351
00:12:05,571 --> 00:12:06,989
[nate panting]
352
00:12:06,990 --> 00:12:08,654
You know, when my dad was
thinking about leaving my mom,
353
00:12:08,655 --> 00:12:10,095
he made a pro and con list.
354
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,827
The pros outweighed the cons
each day, but in his case...
355
00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:17,445
- there were zero pros with her.
- You want me to make a pro and con list?
356
00:12:17,447 --> 00:12:19,074
Oh, sorry, you're busy doing
something else right now.
357
00:12:19,076 --> 00:12:21,243
- Pro/con lists are really dumb.
- Oh, come on! Would you...
358
00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:23,226
Pro... you are sweet with the kids.
359
00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:25,152
Con... you're never around
to be with the kids.
360
00:12:25,154 --> 00:12:26,921
Pro... you're okay-looking.
361
00:12:26,923 --> 00:12:29,290
Well, that's about the sweetest thing
you've said to me in about a year.
362
00:12:29,292 --> 00:12:31,783
Con... you screw it up
by growing gross facial hair
363
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,559
and dressing like
you can't wait to be fat.
364
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,596
Pro... you have an average-size penis.
365
00:12:35,598 --> 00:12:38,165
- How is that a pro?
- Because if it's too big, then it hurts,
366
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:40,507
and it's too small, it comes with
a lot of psychological shit.
367
00:12:40,508 --> 00:12:42,473
Pro... I got big, big balls.
368
00:12:42,474 --> 00:12:46,207
Con... you are way too into how big
your balls are. They're useless to me.
369
00:12:46,209 --> 00:12:48,242
No woman in the history
of the world has ever been like,
370
00:12:48,244 --> 00:12:49,777
"Oh, I'm really into
how big your balls are."
371
00:12:49,779 --> 00:12:51,645
- All of my girlfriends said...
- No, they haven't.
372
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:53,167
Another con... you
jerk off way too much.
373
00:12:53,168 --> 00:12:54,182
I don't jerk off.
374
00:12:54,183 --> 00:12:55,720
Oh, please! Nobody is in the bathroom
375
00:12:55,721 --> 00:12:57,518
- taking dumps for that long.
- I am.
376
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:58,662
Okay, well, then another con...
377
00:12:58,663 --> 00:13:00,321
you have a massive digestive issue,
378
00:13:00,323 --> 00:13:01,755
and you need to look at your diet.
379
00:13:01,757 --> 00:13:03,776
Well, maybe I wouldn't
jerk off so much... Ah!
380
00:13:03,777 --> 00:13:05,658
If you decided to ever have sex with me.
381
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,726
Oh, I'm so sorry
I'm not always in the mood
382
00:13:07,727 --> 00:13:08,944
when I have two-year-old twins
383
00:13:08,945 --> 00:13:10,743
sucking on my bleeding tits all day.
384
00:13:10,744 --> 00:13:12,500
Time to wean, okay!
385
00:13:12,502 --> 00:13:14,702
They're asking for milk
in complete sentences.
386
00:13:14,704 --> 00:13:15,894
I know, but I want them
to have strong bones.
387
00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:19,206
You have cured them
of osteoporosis for life.
388
00:13:21,087 --> 00:13:21,842
Con...
389
00:13:22,512 --> 00:13:23,944
I really hate your stupid inventions.
390
00:13:23,946 --> 00:13:25,327
- Which ones?
- All of them.
391
00:13:25,328 --> 00:13:26,092
The radio shirt.
392
00:13:26,094 --> 00:13:28,383
Which would come in pretty
handy right about now.
393
00:13:28,384 --> 00:13:29,977
- High-heeled ice skates.
- Super sexy.
394
00:13:29,978 --> 00:13:31,619
- Travel-size couch.
- That sucked.
395
00:13:31,621 --> 00:13:33,854
- Oh, the chalkboard tie.
- What's wrong with it?
396
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:35,799
You change the patterns, you make notes.
397
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:36,924
It's so stupid.
398
00:13:36,926 --> 00:13:38,492
Well, SkyMall didn't
think it was stupid.
399
00:13:38,494 --> 00:13:39,937
They thought about having
a meeting with me.
400
00:13:39,938 --> 00:13:42,091
What about your taxi service
where you call up a stranger
401
00:13:42,092 --> 00:13:44,999
- and he drives you around in his van.
- Yeah, NateVan.
402
00:13:45,001 --> 00:13:47,635
- You might as well call it RapeVan!
- I'd make it a rule.
403
00:13:47,637 --> 00:13:49,015
The drivers aren't allowed to rape.
404
00:13:49,016 --> 00:13:50,981
And your restaurant
that serves everything.
405
00:13:50,982 --> 00:13:52,550
Don't talk bad about the Kitchen Sink.
406
00:13:52,552 --> 00:13:55,540
No. You can't have a restaurant
that serves everything.
407
00:13:55,542 --> 00:13:56,677
Not with that attitude.
408
00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:58,112
Well, who's gonna cook all this food?
409
00:13:58,114 --> 00:13:59,980
The best chef in the world.
410
00:13:59,982 --> 00:14:01,682
- So you're gonna have French fries...
- Yep.
411
00:14:01,684 --> 00:14:03,484
- And sushi and...
- Yep.
412
00:14:03,486 --> 00:14:04,287
- Haggis and...
- Yep
413
00:14:04,289 --> 00:14:05,415
- mulligatawny soup.
- Yep.
414
00:14:05,417 --> 00:14:06,687
And burgers and pizza...
415
00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:09,890
And congee and ackee
and Ethiopian injera.
416
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,180
Yes, everything.
417
00:14:11,181 --> 00:14:13,294
- What about escamoles?
- I don't know what that is.
418
00:14:13,296 --> 00:14:15,296
It's ant larvae harvested
from an agave plant.
419
00:14:15,298 --> 00:14:16,530
That sounds disgusting.
420
00:14:16,532 --> 00:14:18,660
Well, it's the caviar of insects,
and the Oaxacans love it.
421
00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:21,883
Well, then we have it, okay,
'cause we have everything.
422
00:14:21,884 --> 00:14:24,405
Why is it so hard for you
to wrap your head around that?
423
00:14:24,407 --> 00:14:26,974
- Are you gonna serve camel?
- Yeah! I mean, you know,
424
00:14:27,112 --> 00:14:29,913
might have to serve frozen camel,
depending on how often it's ordered.
425
00:14:29,914 --> 00:14:31,841
- Where are you gonna get your camel?
- I don't know.
426
00:14:31,842 --> 00:14:33,447
Some jungle somewhere.
427
00:14:33,449 --> 00:14:37,284
[distant thunder rumbles]
428
00:14:37,286 --> 00:14:39,420
That's miles away.
429
00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:41,255
I think that's gonna pass us right by.
430
00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,424
Okay, con... you actually believe
431
00:14:43,426 --> 00:14:44,925
everything is just gonna
work itself out.
432
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:47,899
- It's called faith.
- It's called blind optimism.
433
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,598
Or idiocy, I'll let you choose.
434
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,200
If those are the only choices,
obviously, blind optimism.
435
00:14:53,202 --> 00:14:56,957
[thunder rumbles, closer]
436
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:59,144
Yep. That's gonna pass us right by.
437
00:15:00,409 --> 00:15:02,376
I could've been a weather man.
438
00:15:03,171 --> 00:15:05,572
- [thunder crashes]
- Nate?!
439
00:15:05,574 --> 00:15:06,512
Nate!
440
00:15:07,051 --> 00:15:08,115
Nate!
441
00:15:09,470 --> 00:15:10,414
Nate!
442
00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:12,720
Nate, where are you?!
443
00:15:14,423 --> 00:15:19,068
- Don't leave me!
- [gasping]
444
00:15:19,069 --> 00:15:22,262
I'll never leave you! Ever!
445
00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:23,753
[coughing]
446
00:15:28,837 --> 00:15:30,742
[weakly] I don't think
I can hold on much longer.
447
00:15:30,743 --> 00:15:32,873
- What?
- I might have to let go.
448
00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:35,309
What? No.
449
00:15:35,311 --> 00:15:36,528
I've lost the will to fight.
450
00:15:36,529 --> 00:15:38,746
Nate, come on, you're delirious.
451
00:15:38,748 --> 00:15:40,714
Just hang on to me. Hang on, the...
452
00:15:40,716 --> 00:15:43,417
The life vest can hold us both up.
Come on.
453
00:15:43,419 --> 00:15:45,905
- I don't think you're hearing me.
- I'm hearing you.
454
00:15:45,906 --> 00:15:47,435
I've lost the will to live...
455
00:15:48,624 --> 00:15:51,067
[voice breaking] if I've got
nothing to fight for.
456
00:15:52,049 --> 00:15:54,279
You and the kids mean everything to me.
457
00:15:54,616 --> 00:15:56,964
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey.
458
00:15:56,966 --> 00:15:58,572
I was just mad. I was mad.
459
00:15:58,573 --> 00:16:01,002
I'm not gonna take the kids
away from you.
460
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,694
When did you start hating me so much?
461
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,906
I don't hate you. I...
462
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:07,097
I just don't know how to fix it.
463
00:16:08,046 --> 00:16:09,510
I usually just run away.
That's what I do.
464
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:10,970
That's what I've done with everyone.
465
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,466
The... The way to make a problem smaller
466
00:16:12,467 --> 00:16:15,652
- is just get distance from it.
- Then change the pattern, okay?
467
00:16:15,653 --> 00:16:18,963
Please, s-stay.
Please stay, and we'll fix it.
468
00:16:19,657 --> 00:16:22,537
Why do you even want me?!
Come on, I'm...
469
00:16:22,994 --> 00:16:25,422
I'm a bad egg. I'm lazy,
I'm a little bit crazy.
470
00:16:25,423 --> 00:16:26,961
- You're not crazy.
- Shut up, shut up!
471
00:16:26,962 --> 00:16:28,289
God! I'm doing your list.
472
00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:31,166
Con... I'm unnecessarily...
473
00:16:31,589 --> 00:16:32,913
- combative.
- Yeah.
474
00:16:32,914 --> 00:16:34,657
Con... I'd rather watch "The Wire"
475
00:16:34,658 --> 00:16:36,701
- than give you a blow job.
- "The Wire," I understand.
476
00:16:36,702 --> 00:16:38,636
But "House Hunters"? Come on!
477
00:16:38,637 --> 00:16:44,301
And also, con... I will never,
ever, ever, ever marry you. Sorry.
478
00:16:44,302 --> 00:16:46,139
- Why not?
- Because I don't believe in marriage.
479
00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:47,125
I thought I made that pretty clear.
480
00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:48,790
I thought you were just playing it cool.
481
00:16:48,791 --> 00:16:50,964
No. God, no, I think that whole, like,
482
00:16:50,965 --> 00:16:52,649
getting married in front of God
bullshit is really... it's psychotic.
483
00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:54,491
What's psychotic about a commitment?
484
00:16:54,492 --> 00:16:55,537
Okay, it's just a promise.
485
00:16:55,538 --> 00:16:56,937
I know, but I don't need a wedding
486
00:16:56,938 --> 00:16:59,012
or a marriage to make a promise.
487
00:17:01,375 --> 00:17:02,558
[sighs]
488
00:17:02,559 --> 00:17:04,796
It's so funny we're talking
about this now.
489
00:17:05,181 --> 00:17:07,148
- Why?
- [scoffs]
490
00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:10,900
'Cause the whole reason I
brought you down here was to...
491
00:17:11,516 --> 00:17:13,160
give you this stupid thing.
492
00:17:15,187 --> 00:17:17,620
Oh, my God! Dude, holy shit!
493
00:17:17,622 --> 00:17:19,921
- That's... That's huge.
- Yeah.
494
00:17:19,922 --> 00:17:22,655
That's a beautiful, beautiful
cushion cut you got there.
495
00:17:22,656 --> 00:17:26,150
That's great clarity.
Really amazing clarity.
496
00:17:26,151 --> 00:17:28,098
No inclusions, I mean, I
obviously don't have a loop,
497
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:29,799
so I can't really see it, but...
498
00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:31,835
Yeah, great fire. Even in starlight.
499
00:17:31,837 --> 00:17:33,641
What did you do, drop like, 3OK on this?
500
00:17:33,642 --> 00:17:34,860
What? Yeah.
501
00:17:34,861 --> 00:17:38,374
That's exactly how much I spent.
How'd you know that?
502
00:17:38,899 --> 00:17:40,182
Were you a former diamond smuggler?
503
00:17:40,183 --> 00:17:42,302
[cackles]
504
00:17:42,303 --> 00:17:45,541
No. [chuckles] Stupid really.
505
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:48,734
Yeah, that represents
my entire life savings.
506
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,956
Sweetheart, you didn't
have to do this, Nate.
507
00:17:50,957 --> 00:17:52,445
- You didn't.
- I know.
508
00:17:52,845 --> 00:17:55,285
I mean, I'm gonna...
I should hang onto it, as...
509
00:17:55,286 --> 00:17:57,102
- Yeah.
- as a promise.
510
00:17:57,103 --> 00:17:58,317
I'm not saying "yes."
511
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:00,766
[sighs]
512
00:18:00,767 --> 00:18:02,955
But I'm definitely not saying "no."
513
00:18:04,336 --> 00:18:05,224
I'm just... I'm just saying...
514
00:18:05,226 --> 00:18:06,925
- Oh, Jesus! Hey! Careful!
- Shit, shit, shit!
515
00:18:06,927 --> 00:18:08,394
- [whines]
- My God!
516
00:18:08,396 --> 00:18:10,451
Just put it on your finger
so you don't lose it.
517
00:18:10,452 --> 00:18:13,265
- It's so much money.
- Okay, sorry.
518
00:18:14,184 --> 00:18:15,129
- Listen to me.
- Yeah.
519
00:18:15,129 --> 00:18:16,090
If you stay,
520
00:18:16,475 --> 00:18:20,059
I promise to respectet every single
annoying fault that you have.
521
00:18:20,061 --> 00:18:20,879
Well, within reason.
522
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:25,104
I promise to be the most attentive,
loving father to our beautiful babies.
523
00:18:25,106 --> 00:18:26,412
You already are.
524
00:18:26,413 --> 00:18:29,542
- Okay, I will stop drinking.
- No! Moderation, you know.
525
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,041
Okay. I'll stop watching hockey.
526
00:18:31,042 --> 00:18:32,911
Just the minor leagues
and the classics on VHS.
527
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,572
I'll shave the douche doughnut.
528
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:37,344
You know what would be sexy?
A beard. Yeah.
529
00:18:37,345 --> 00:18:40,394
I'll promise to stop wasting
time inventing stupid shit
530
00:18:40,395 --> 00:18:41,774
that no one will ever buy.
531
00:18:41,775 --> 00:18:43,589
The NateVan was actually
not that bad of an idea.
532
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:46,581
No, you were right. You're never
gonna stop the rapes. I know.
533
00:18:46,582 --> 00:18:48,872
Okay. And listen to me.
534
00:18:48,873 --> 00:18:53,727
If you stay, I promise
to never, ever, ever, ever
535
00:18:53,728 --> 00:18:55,905
take your hand in holy matrimony.
536
00:18:55,906 --> 00:18:58,742
[chuckles] I do. I mean, I don't.
537
00:19:01,698 --> 00:19:04,833
[retches, coughing]
538
00:19:05,076 --> 00:19:06,408
Okay.
539
00:19:09,046 --> 00:19:11,247
- Okay? You good?
- Yeah, yeah.
540
00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:19,321
- What?! Oh!
- Holy!
541
00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:21,374
- Oh, ho, ho!
- Holy shit!
542
00:19:22,173 --> 00:19:23,792
- Ha ha!
- Ha ha!
543
00:19:23,793 --> 00:19:25,410
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God!
544
00:19:25,411 --> 00:19:28,030
Oh! Oh!
545
00:19:28,032 --> 00:19:29,398
[grunts]
546
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,121
I told you it was gonna come back to us!
547
00:19:31,122 --> 00:19:33,269
- I told ya!
- No, you didn't, but who cares?
548
00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:34,904
- Oh, whoa.
- What?
549
00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:37,114
Your foot felt
really smooth right there.
550
00:19:37,116 --> 00:19:38,342
That wasn't my foot.
551
00:19:38,766 --> 00:19:41,310
Get up. Get up, get up, get up!
552
00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:47,359
He actually followed through on
his promise to never marry me.
553
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,372
- It's probably for the best.
- [sighs]
554
00:19:49,373 --> 00:19:50,889
I mean, not marrying me is one thing,
555
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,398
but to make me stand up here
like an asshole is...
556
00:19:53,399 --> 00:19:55,865
a whole other thing.
This is so embarrassing.
557
00:19:55,866 --> 00:19:57,529
You're embarrassing me
in front of all of my voters.
558
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,599
- What did I do to deserve this?
- A lot.
559
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,734
- Should we make a list?
- No! We made a promise.
560
00:20:01,735 --> 00:20:03,213
He said we would be together forever.
561
00:20:03,214 --> 00:20:05,586
- ? I've got big balls ?
- Who's phone is that?
562
00:20:05,587 --> 00:20:08,089
- ? I've got big balls ?
- Guys. It's a wedding.
563
00:20:08,636 --> 00:20:09,915
Turn off your phone.
564
00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:14,199
Have some respect for
the loser bride and turn it off!
565
00:20:14,489 --> 00:20:16,529
That's coming from his jacket.
566
00:20:16,531 --> 00:20:17,897
? But we've got the biggest ?
567
00:20:17,899 --> 00:20:19,532
I didn't set that ringtone for anyone.
568
00:20:19,534 --> 00:20:21,158
? Balls of them all... ?
569
00:20:21,159 --> 00:20:22,851
Where are you? Look, shut up, listen.
570
00:20:22,852 --> 00:20:24,511
I know we said
that we would never do this,
571
00:20:24,512 --> 00:20:26,807
but we've got guests
and we've got a cake
572
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,442
and I swear to God, the next
thing out of your mouth
573
00:20:29,443 --> 00:20:32,271
needs to be an ETA, and it
really needs to be five minutes.
574
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:33,545
Look around.
575
00:20:34,057 --> 00:20:35,216
[quietly] Why, are you hiding?
576
00:20:35,217 --> 00:20:39,019
I can't talk. Look around.
577
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:47,173
?
578
00:20:47,174 --> 00:20:48,091
Oh, shit.
579
00:20:49,197 --> 00:20:51,307
?
580
00:20:51,308 --> 00:20:52,272
What do I do?
581
00:20:53,390 --> 00:20:54,129
Run.
582
00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:59,837
Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com
583
00:20:59,887 --> 00:21:04,437
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