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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,024 --> 00:00:01,190 Why am I in Alaska?! 2 00:00:01,192 --> 00:00:04,130 Ask my crust of son Nate Parker! 3 00:00:04,131 --> 00:00:06,682 He's the one who has nothing better to do with his life 4 00:00:06,683 --> 00:00:07,876 than disappoint a woman 5 00:00:07,877 --> 00:00:10,035 by promising to be with her forever. 6 00:00:10,036 --> 00:00:11,196 Holy shit. 7 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,227 That's your mother? 8 00:00:13,229 --> 00:00:13,702 Yeah. 9 00:00:13,704 --> 00:00:15,877 - That explains a lot. - Are you married? 10 00:00:15,878 --> 00:00:18,140 And what shovel-faced herbivore 11 00:00:18,142 --> 00:00:20,779 lets you jam your shriveled manhood inside her 12 00:00:20,780 --> 00:00:23,412 in some bloated imitation of passion? 13 00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:25,775 Just thought it would be important to have some family at the wedding. 14 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,737 And is that why you stood her up at the altar? 15 00:00:27,738 --> 00:00:28,209 No. 16 00:00:28,719 --> 00:00:31,153 Marriage has never really worked in my family. 17 00:00:31,155 --> 00:00:34,151 If you're not gonna charge me, at least stick it in me. 18 00:00:34,152 --> 00:00:36,512 ? _ 19 00:00:41,177 --> 00:00:42,542 How good is this, right? 20 00:00:42,939 --> 00:00:44,584 Told you it was gonna be nice. 21 00:00:45,069 --> 00:00:47,863 Best vacation ever! 22 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:50,089 [chuckles] God. 23 00:00:50,090 --> 00:00:52,643 First time alone in I don't know how long. 24 00:00:52,644 --> 00:00:54,036 - Two years. - No, it hasn't been that long. 25 00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:55,169 Yeah, since the kids were born. 26 00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:56,788 Well, I'll drink to that, then. 27 00:00:59,083 --> 00:01:00,144 You certainly will. 28 00:01:01,039 --> 00:01:01,851 Mmm. 29 00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:04,417 Ohh! 30 00:01:05,994 --> 00:01:06,884 Boats! 31 00:01:07,348 --> 00:01:08,148 Am I right? 32 00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:09,832 And water. 33 00:01:10,674 --> 00:01:11,658 And floating. 34 00:01:12,350 --> 00:01:13,276 I told you it was gonna be nice. 35 00:01:13,277 --> 00:01:14,947 You did. You told me. Many times. 36 00:01:14,948 --> 00:01:18,193 I said, "Me, you, boat, nice." 37 00:01:18,194 --> 00:01:21,470 - That's exactly how you said it, yep. - [grunts] 38 00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:25,707 Man, you're drinking a lot, babe. 39 00:01:26,344 --> 00:01:27,763 [dance music plays] Party boat. 40 00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:30,946 Koo-ooh-koo-koo-koo! Koo-koo-koo! 41 00:01:30,948 --> 00:01:32,498 TOGETHER: Koo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! 42 00:01:32,499 --> 00:01:34,511 Ah, they're doing it! Hey! 43 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,503 [Jamaican accent] Jamaica me thirsty, mon! 44 00:01:36,504 --> 00:01:38,754 [crowd cheering] 45 00:01:38,756 --> 00:01:40,189 We're in the Dominican. 46 00:01:40,191 --> 00:01:41,813 [normal voice] God, I'm so good at accents. 47 00:01:41,814 --> 00:01:43,426 You know, I was thinking about inventing a game. 48 00:01:43,427 --> 00:01:43,725 Hmm? 49 00:01:43,726 --> 00:01:45,257 Where you do an accent and you guess for points. 50 00:01:45,258 --> 00:01:46,691 - Gimme one. - Uh, mime. 51 00:01:47,098 --> 00:01:48,266 Come on. Give me a good one. 52 00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:49,453 How about a tongueless person? 53 00:01:49,454 --> 00:01:51,281 Okay, how 'bout this? [grunts] 54 00:01:51,282 --> 00:01:52,608 [Australian accent] G'day, mate. 55 00:01:52,609 --> 00:01:54,914 Let's throw another wallaby on the shrimp. 56 00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:57,410 Huh? Dingo. 57 00:01:57,411 --> 00:01:58,732 Kangaroo Jack. 58 00:01:59,197 --> 00:02:03,702 I'm Paul Hogan from down in the Outback. 59 00:02:03,703 --> 00:02:05,065 - Yeah, I get it. - Bloomin' onion. 60 00:02:05,066 --> 00:02:07,376 - I get it. - "Crocodile Dundee." 61 00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:10,007 You know? Mad Max. 62 00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:14,684 - Mad Max. Mad Max. - I heard you the first time. 63 00:02:14,685 --> 00:02:16,177 [normal voice] Yeah? Well, guess. It's a fun game. 64 00:02:16,178 --> 00:02:18,227 It's not fun, nor is it a game. 65 00:02:18,229 --> 00:02:19,551 You should put on a life jacket. 66 00:02:19,552 --> 00:02:20,603 [Australian accent] That's for nerds, mate. 67 00:02:20,604 --> 00:02:21,457 Is it for nerds? 68 00:02:21,458 --> 00:02:22,582 - Ah. - Sorry, kids. 69 00:02:22,583 --> 00:02:24,239 "Real sorry your dad drowned," 70 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,936 but just look on the bright side, man... 71 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,477 "He looked super-cool doing it." 72 00:02:27,478 --> 00:02:28,594 Damn straight. 73 00:02:28,595 --> 00:02:30,308 'Cause he's Australian! 74 00:02:31,008 --> 00:02:33,976 [normal voice] Two points for me. That's how the game works. 75 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:38,214 [burps] 76 00:02:38,214 --> 00:02:39,162 This is the best vacation ever. 77 00:02:39,163 --> 00:02:40,516 Ahh! Told ya. 78 00:02:41,389 --> 00:02:44,479 ? Somewhere behind the mountains ? 79 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,456 ? There is a place I'm thinkin' ? 80 00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,046 [distorted music plays] 81 00:02:49,094 --> 00:02:52,302 Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com 82 00:02:52,659 --> 00:02:54,860 ? 83 00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:56,644 [sighs] 84 00:02:58,533 --> 00:02:59,927 So, listen. Um... 85 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,940 I know we're already together and stuff, but, uh... 86 00:03:02,941 --> 00:03:04,455 you know, I-I was thinking, you know, 87 00:03:04,456 --> 00:03:06,186 we should take other steps. 88 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,744 So I got a question to ask you. Um... 89 00:03:08,746 --> 00:03:10,812 [breathes deeply] 90 00:03:10,814 --> 00:03:12,581 Ch-ch-ch-ch-chu. 91 00:03:12,963 --> 00:03:13,723 Um... 92 00:03:14,418 --> 00:03:16,973 Hey, can you sit back here beside me, please? 93 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:18,585 I'm okay over here. 94 00:03:18,586 --> 00:03:22,090 No, I wanna see your face when I ask you the question. 95 00:03:22,092 --> 00:03:24,660 ? 96 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:25,500 Come on. 97 00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,723 Can you put on a happy face, please? 98 00:03:29,647 --> 00:03:31,569 What? I didn't say "relax." 99 00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,289 No, the smile thing's way worse. 100 00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:34,522 How is that worse? 101 00:03:34,523 --> 00:03:37,303 Because it's like you're saying I'm not fine the way I am. 102 00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,347 Because I'm not smiling, 103 00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,105 it makes me less of a woman, like I'm ugly. 104 00:03:40,106 --> 00:03:41,828 Who would ever say you're ugly? 105 00:03:41,829 --> 00:03:44,085 I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about women in general. 106 00:03:44,086 --> 00:03:46,481 How would a man feel if he was told to smile? 107 00:03:46,483 --> 00:03:49,161 Okay, "A," you weren't told. I asked you politely. 108 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,981 Two, I didn't say "smile." I said "put on a happy face." 109 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,972 - And, "C," I said... - [deep voice] "Hey, sweetheart, 110 00:03:53,973 --> 00:03:55,967 would it kill you to smile a little bit?" 111 00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:57,981 And, "D," didn't call you "sweetheart." 112 00:03:57,982 --> 00:03:59,511 And, also, I don't talk like that. 113 00:03:59,513 --> 00:04:00,787 So that's six now. 114 00:04:00,788 --> 00:04:02,540 [normal voice] By telling someone to alter their appearance, 115 00:04:02,541 --> 00:04:05,450 you're invalidating the day they're having, or the week 116 00:04:05,452 --> 00:04:06,964 or the... last two years. 117 00:04:06,965 --> 00:04:10,697 Maybe she's been all alone, raising and cleaning up after 118 00:04:10,698 --> 00:04:12,495 and feeding two screaming 2-year-olds 119 00:04:12,496 --> 00:04:14,867 just to make your selfish Rainbow Brite life 120 00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:16,327 a little bit more pleasant. 121 00:04:17,932 --> 00:04:20,444 Don't really feel like smiling right now, do you? 122 00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:22,619 Not when you yell at me. 123 00:04:30,428 --> 00:04:31,661 I think I want out. 124 00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:32,884 What? You want to go back already? 125 00:04:32,885 --> 00:04:34,137 We just got out here. 126 00:04:36,806 --> 00:04:38,354 No. I mean I just... I think... 127 00:04:40,017 --> 00:04:41,761 I think maybe I want out of this. 128 00:04:41,762 --> 00:04:43,257 No, trust me. I went to boat school. 129 00:04:43,258 --> 00:04:44,921 They tell you the safest place on the ocean 130 00:04:44,922 --> 00:04:47,401 - is always in the boat. - My God, you're not hearing me. 131 00:04:47,402 --> 00:04:49,975 Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait for a bit 'cause... 132 00:04:49,976 --> 00:04:51,651 the sail's all saggy right now. 133 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:53,734 What? 134 00:04:53,736 --> 00:04:54,899 You don't know how to get us back, do you? 135 00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:56,801 Of course I know how to get us back. 136 00:04:56,802 --> 00:04:58,299 You sail back with the wind. 137 00:04:58,300 --> 00:04:59,665 But the wind's going that way right now. 138 00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:01,035 So you're blaming the wind? 139 00:05:01,036 --> 00:05:02,761 I'm sorry. What else would you like me to blame it on? 140 00:05:02,762 --> 00:05:04,639 Maybe the 10 beers you guzzled. 141 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,547 Feel free to help out. 142 00:05:05,548 --> 00:05:07,781 I mean, you haven't done a damn thing 143 00:05:07,782 --> 00:05:09,420 the whole time you've been on the boat. Okay? 144 00:05:09,421 --> 00:05:10,527 Because let me tell you, 145 00:05:10,528 --> 00:05:11,871 when I went to boating school... 146 00:05:11,986 --> 00:05:13,752 Oh, wait! Oh! Nate. Oh, shit! 147 00:05:13,754 --> 00:05:15,253 Oh, shit. Nate! Nate! 148 00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:18,837 - Nate! - Help! I'm sinking! 149 00:05:18,838 --> 00:05:20,746 Well, take off that parachute you're wearing! 150 00:05:20,747 --> 00:05:23,064 It's my lucky jersey! Throw me something! 151 00:05:23,065 --> 00:05:24,480 Please! 152 00:05:24,481 --> 00:05:26,852 Hey! Throw me a life jacket or something! 153 00:05:27,198 --> 00:05:30,502 What are you doing?! What are you doing?! 154 00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:31,770 I'm gonna save you! 155 00:05:31,772 --> 00:05:32,903 Why would you do that?! 156 00:05:32,904 --> 00:05:35,107 Because you said you needed a life jacket. 157 00:05:35,109 --> 00:05:36,948 I'm your life jacket. You're welcome! 158 00:05:36,949 --> 00:05:38,782 No, you made things so much worse! 159 00:05:38,783 --> 00:05:40,712 The boat's getting away! 160 00:05:40,714 --> 00:05:41,324 Boat! 161 00:05:42,630 --> 00:05:43,533 Boat! 162 00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:45,271 Boat! 163 00:05:46,431 --> 00:05:48,017 God, what's the matter with you?! 164 00:05:48,018 --> 00:05:49,181 I'm sorry! 165 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,386 God, it's okay. Okay. 166 00:05:50,387 --> 00:05:51,757 Calm down. Calm down, calm down. 167 00:05:52,973 --> 00:05:54,087 We're gonna be okay. 168 00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:55,874 I don't think we will. 169 00:05:57,422 --> 00:06:01,417 _ 170 00:06:02,116 --> 00:06:04,286 [suspenseful music plays] 171 00:06:04,287 --> 00:06:06,054 I think we should swim for it. 172 00:06:06,056 --> 00:06:07,407 It's like five miles. 173 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:08,684 We're not gonna make it with the rip current. 174 00:06:08,685 --> 00:06:10,224 - I can make it. - You won't. 175 00:06:10,225 --> 00:06:11,503 That sounds like a bet. 176 00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:12,641 Well, it's not. 177 00:06:13,058 --> 00:06:14,389 Ready? Get some! 178 00:06:14,965 --> 00:06:20,835 ? 179 00:06:20,837 --> 00:06:22,804 [gasps] 180 00:06:22,806 --> 00:06:30,245 ? 181 00:06:31,548 --> 00:06:33,348 [gasps] Oh. 182 00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:34,544 [breathes sharply] 183 00:06:34,545 --> 00:06:36,402 - Foot cramp. - You okay? 184 00:06:36,403 --> 00:06:38,353 It's the rip currents. They're too strong on top. 185 00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:39,458 - Oh, are they? - Yeah. 186 00:06:39,459 --> 00:06:40,222 Mm. 187 00:06:40,223 --> 00:06:41,583 I got to go down deep. 188 00:06:41,584 --> 00:06:44,140 [breathes deeply] Get some. 189 00:06:44,827 --> 00:06:48,001 ? 190 00:06:48,187 --> 00:06:49,353 [groans] 191 00:06:49,356 --> 00:06:50,955 They're too strong down there. 192 00:06:50,957 --> 00:06:52,800 - How deep did I go? - Pretty deep. 193 00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:54,636 The back of your head was almost completely submerged. 194 00:06:54,637 --> 00:06:56,361 Oh, come on. Don't be like that. 195 00:06:56,363 --> 00:06:58,730 - How long was I under? - Like three seconds. Tops. 196 00:06:58,732 --> 00:07:00,131 What? Bullshit! 197 00:07:00,133 --> 00:07:03,601 ? 198 00:07:05,002 --> 00:07:05,436 Oh. How long was that? 199 00:07:05,438 --> 00:07:07,367 - Two seconds. - What? 200 00:07:07,368 --> 00:07:09,140 [spits] 201 00:07:09,142 --> 00:07:10,675 Oh! 202 00:07:10,677 --> 00:07:15,146 ? 203 00:07:15,147 --> 00:07:15,735 _ 204 00:07:15,737 --> 00:07:17,515 Hoo! _ 205 00:07:17,517 --> 00:07:18,883 Hoo! 206 00:07:19,141 --> 00:07:19,903 Hoo! 207 00:07:21,004 --> 00:07:21,818 Hoo! 208 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,455 - Hoo-hoo! - What are you doing? 209 00:07:24,457 --> 00:07:27,291 I'm making loud noises to scare the sharks away. 210 00:07:27,870 --> 00:07:29,760 That's bears. Sharks you punch in the nose. 211 00:07:29,761 --> 00:07:31,577 Ah! Now who's the idiot? 212 00:07:31,578 --> 00:07:32,863 Okay, sharks don't have noses. 213 00:07:32,864 --> 00:07:34,664 That's bear... Oh! Oh! 214 00:07:34,666 --> 00:07:35,931 - What?! What?! What?! - Oh, something... 215 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,066 Something just swam past my leg. 216 00:07:37,068 --> 00:07:38,834 I think there's sharks out here. 217 00:07:38,836 --> 00:07:40,670 Sweetie, one person every two years 218 00:07:40,672 --> 00:07:42,405 gets attacked by a shark, okay? 219 00:07:42,407 --> 00:07:43,739 [screaming] You're fine. 220 00:07:43,741 --> 00:07:45,808 Please, stop! Stop flailing! Please! 221 00:07:45,810 --> 00:07:47,243 What? They smell fear. 222 00:07:47,245 --> 00:07:49,712 Okay. Sorry. That's my scent right now. I'm scared. 223 00:07:49,714 --> 00:07:51,479 All right, well, go float over there. 224 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,215 I don't want them to smell your pussy and think it's me. 225 00:07:53,217 --> 00:07:54,917 Oh, my God. That's so emasculating. 226 00:07:54,919 --> 00:07:56,185 Oh, shut up and grow some balls. 227 00:07:56,187 --> 00:07:57,268 I've got balls, okay? 228 00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:58,854 Big, big balls. 229 00:07:58,856 --> 00:08:00,589 Personally, I wouldn't mind if a shark came along 230 00:08:00,591 --> 00:08:02,325 and put me out of my misery right now. 231 00:08:02,327 --> 00:08:03,492 - What? - Nothing. 232 00:08:03,494 --> 00:08:04,745 Oh, my God. 233 00:08:04,746 --> 00:08:07,031 That's how you sum up your life right now? Misery? 234 00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:08,297 It was a joke, Nate. Lighten up. 235 00:08:08,299 --> 00:08:09,374 - It wasn't a joke. - Come on. Yes, it was. 236 00:08:09,375 --> 00:08:11,447 No, it's a joke when everything's fine 237 00:08:11,448 --> 00:08:12,588 between the two of us, okay? 238 00:08:12,589 --> 00:08:15,353 Not when we're fighting every single second 239 00:08:15,354 --> 00:08:17,459 of every single da... Aah! 240 00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:19,108 Aah! Aah! 241 00:08:19,110 --> 00:08:20,851 We're fine! Quit! Please! Stop! 242 00:08:20,852 --> 00:08:22,575 Stop it! That was my foot. 243 00:08:22,576 --> 00:08:24,547 It wasn't your foot, okay? 244 00:08:24,549 --> 00:08:26,019 I know what your feet feel like, okay? 245 00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:27,853 I rubbed your feet for like a year. 246 00:08:27,854 --> 00:08:30,760 This was scaly and rough and pointy and... 247 00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:32,296 Aah! It's back! No! 248 00:08:32,297 --> 00:08:33,635 It was my foot!! 249 00:08:36,061 --> 00:08:37,411 I haven't had a chance to get a pedicure. 250 00:08:38,253 --> 00:08:41,330 ? _ 251 00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:53,220 ? 252 00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:54,381 [grunts] 253 00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:55,351 [gasps] 254 00:08:56,476 --> 00:08:58,335 [gags, coughs] 255 00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,419 God, try and hold down your chum, Nate. Come on. 256 00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:03,286 [gags, coughs] 257 00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:06,400 I think it's just all this seawater I've been gargling. 258 00:09:06,401 --> 00:09:07,954 I'm pretty sure it's the hangover you have. 259 00:09:07,955 --> 00:09:08,641 Well... 260 00:09:08,768 --> 00:09:10,969 [vomiting] Nate. Come... 261 00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:13,694 You're literally chumming up the water. 262 00:09:14,675 --> 00:09:17,467 I swear to God. I swear to God, if I believed in him, 263 00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:20,418 as soon as we're out of this, I am so done with you. 264 00:09:20,419 --> 00:09:23,005 Oh, yeah, well, we're kinda stuck together, aren't we? 265 00:09:23,007 --> 00:09:24,087 Yeah, we are. We're stuck together. 266 00:09:24,088 --> 00:09:25,877 We've been stuck together ever since you knocked me up 267 00:09:25,878 --> 00:09:27,001 the first time we did it. 268 00:09:27,002 --> 00:09:29,606 And now it's two years later, and it sucks so bad. 269 00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,815 We're just going through a rough patch, okay? 270 00:09:32,817 --> 00:09:35,518 Terrible twos. Every... Every couple goes through this. 271 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,020 I tried to get there, Nate. I really did. 272 00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:39,859 I really did, but I can't. 273 00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:41,496 I mean, I don't even know who you are. 274 00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:42,318 Yes, you do. 275 00:09:42,319 --> 00:09:43,515 Who? Who are you? 276 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,934 I'm Nate "the Skate" Parker. 277 00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:47,029 Yeah, well, that's about the extent of it. 278 00:09:47,031 --> 00:09:49,844 That's all I know. Well, that's pretty much all there is to know. 279 00:09:49,845 --> 00:09:52,425 Okay? I used to play hockey. I got three friends. 280 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,805 I work. I come home and spend time with you and the kids. 281 00:09:55,807 --> 00:09:56,841 And I hate my mom. 282 00:09:56,842 --> 00:09:58,784 I would hardly call napping on the sofa all weekend 283 00:09:58,785 --> 00:10:00,168 "spending time" with us, but all right. 284 00:10:00,169 --> 00:10:03,144 I'm sorry. I work hard at my job all week. 285 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:04,098 - Do you? - Yes. 286 00:10:04,859 --> 00:10:06,793 Mostly. Sometimes. 287 00:10:07,152 --> 00:10:08,410 I mean, there's a lot of sitting, but... 288 00:10:08,411 --> 00:10:09,890 And that requires you to come home and pound beers, 289 00:10:09,891 --> 00:10:11,705 - watch ice skating until you pass out? - Hockey. 290 00:10:11,706 --> 00:10:14,157 Wait. I'm not allowed to blow off a little steam? 291 00:10:14,158 --> 00:10:16,365 How miserable is your life that you have to blow off steam? 292 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,781 My job sucks! 293 00:10:17,782 --> 00:10:19,382 So when I come home on weekends... 294 00:10:19,383 --> 00:10:21,653 - And week nights. - I need to decompress. 295 00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:22,830 Have a little respite. 296 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:24,622 Do you know how hurtful that is to me, Nate? 297 00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:27,294 You should look forward to spending time with us. 298 00:10:27,295 --> 00:10:28,806 That should be your blowing off steam. 299 00:10:28,807 --> 00:10:30,215 That should be your respite. 300 00:10:30,216 --> 00:10:32,115 Oh. And you're Ms. Perfect? 301 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:33,999 Never said I was. 302 00:10:34,538 --> 00:10:36,876 Like I didn't have to suffer through six months 303 00:10:36,877 --> 00:10:38,415 of post-navel depression. 304 00:10:39,150 --> 00:10:41,215 - Natal depression. - What? 305 00:10:41,216 --> 00:10:43,478 - Natal depression. - Oh-ho-ho! 306 00:10:43,479 --> 00:10:44,687 So funny, huh? 307 00:10:44,881 --> 00:10:46,687 Always jokes at my expense. 308 00:10:47,225 --> 00:10:48,860 - What? - Nate-al. 309 00:10:49,610 --> 00:10:52,059 You're depressed because you're with Nate-all-the-time. 310 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:53,107 Oh, my God! 311 00:10:53,108 --> 00:10:55,126 - You said "post-navel depression." - Yeah. 312 00:10:55,127 --> 00:10:57,441 And I was correcting you because you sound like a real... 313 00:10:57,442 --> 00:10:58,815 You know what? Forget it. Forget it. 314 00:10:58,816 --> 00:11:00,066 This is our relationship. 315 00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,099 This is us. This is who we are. 316 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:02,275 We're on two separate planes. 317 00:11:02,276 --> 00:11:03,555 And if we get out of this alive, 318 00:11:03,556 --> 00:11:05,271 I am taking the kids, and I'm leaving you. 319 00:11:05,272 --> 00:11:07,453 I don't ever, ever want to see you again. 320 00:11:07,454 --> 00:11:09,046 Oh, you think you're depressed right now? 321 00:11:09,047 --> 00:11:10,986 Try raising kids without a father. 322 00:11:10,987 --> 00:11:13,349 I did fine without a father. I'll be fine without a husband. 323 00:11:13,351 --> 00:11:15,284 I'll just sprinkle a bunch of beer cans all over the house 324 00:11:15,286 --> 00:11:16,853 and dirty socks... same same. 325 00:11:16,855 --> 00:11:19,434 Oh, trust me... I'll be seeing you all the time, okay? 326 00:11:19,435 --> 00:11:20,268 - By order of courts. - All right. 327 00:11:20,269 --> 00:11:21,474 Well, I'm gonna take the kids and run away. 328 00:11:21,475 --> 00:11:22,937 - How's that sound? - I'd find you. 329 00:11:22,938 --> 00:11:24,179 Yeah, trust me... You wouldn't. 330 00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:25,146 And the kids are so young, 331 00:11:25,147 --> 00:11:27,430 they wouldn't remember anything about you. 332 00:11:27,432 --> 00:11:28,364 [scoffs] 333 00:11:28,366 --> 00:11:29,616 This is just beautiful. 334 00:11:30,516 --> 00:11:31,560 Just beautiful. 335 00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:34,443 We're left for dead in the middle of the ocean, 336 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:35,774 surrounded by sharks. 337 00:11:35,775 --> 00:11:37,529 - There's no sharks! - There may be sharks. 338 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,727 And now you're telling me you're gonna break up with me 339 00:11:39,728 --> 00:11:41,007 and kidnap my kids. 340 00:11:41,008 --> 00:11:42,574 What else could go wrong?! 341 00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:47,683 - Huh? - What is this? 342 00:11:47,685 --> 00:11:48,665 What? 343 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,220 I'm waiting for you to tell me what else could go wrong. 344 00:11:51,222 --> 00:11:53,126 - This isn't bad enough? - Aah! No! 345 00:11:53,127 --> 00:11:54,663 - No! - Oh, my God! 346 00:11:54,664 --> 00:11:55,783 It's my foot!! 347 00:11:55,784 --> 00:11:57,693 [vomiting] 348 00:11:57,695 --> 00:11:58,396 God. 349 00:11:58,397 --> 00:12:00,429 - [vomiting] - No! 350 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:05,569 _ 351 00:12:05,571 --> 00:12:06,989 [nate panting] 352 00:12:06,990 --> 00:12:08,654 You know, when my dad was thinking about leaving my mom, 353 00:12:08,655 --> 00:12:10,095 he made a pro and con list. 354 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,827 The pros outweighed the cons each day, but in his case... 355 00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:17,445 - there were zero pros with her. - You want me to make a pro and con list? 356 00:12:17,447 --> 00:12:19,074 Oh, sorry, you're busy doing something else right now. 357 00:12:19,076 --> 00:12:21,243 - Pro/con lists are really dumb. - Oh, come on! Would you... 358 00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:23,226 Pro... you are sweet with the kids. 359 00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:25,152 Con... you're never around to be with the kids. 360 00:12:25,154 --> 00:12:26,921 Pro... you're okay-looking. 361 00:12:26,923 --> 00:12:29,290 Well, that's about the sweetest thing you've said to me in about a year. 362 00:12:29,292 --> 00:12:31,783 Con... you screw it up by growing gross facial hair 363 00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,559 and dressing like you can't wait to be fat. 364 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,596 Pro... you have an average-size penis. 365 00:12:35,598 --> 00:12:38,165 - How is that a pro? - Because if it's too big, then it hurts, 366 00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:40,507 and it's too small, it comes with a lot of psychological shit. 367 00:12:40,508 --> 00:12:42,473 Pro... I got big, big balls. 368 00:12:42,474 --> 00:12:46,207 Con... you are way too into how big your balls are. They're useless to me. 369 00:12:46,209 --> 00:12:48,242 No woman in the history of the world has ever been like, 370 00:12:48,244 --> 00:12:49,777 "Oh, I'm really into how big your balls are." 371 00:12:49,779 --> 00:12:51,645 - All of my girlfriends said... - No, they haven't. 372 00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:53,167 Another con... you jerk off way too much. 373 00:12:53,168 --> 00:12:54,182 I don't jerk off. 374 00:12:54,183 --> 00:12:55,720 Oh, please! Nobody is in the bathroom 375 00:12:55,721 --> 00:12:57,518 - taking dumps for that long. - I am. 376 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:58,662 Okay, well, then another con... 377 00:12:58,663 --> 00:13:00,321 you have a massive digestive issue, 378 00:13:00,323 --> 00:13:01,755 and you need to look at your diet. 379 00:13:01,757 --> 00:13:03,776 Well, maybe I wouldn't jerk off so much... Ah! 380 00:13:03,777 --> 00:13:05,658 If you decided to ever have sex with me. 381 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,726 Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not always in the mood 382 00:13:07,727 --> 00:13:08,944 when I have two-year-old twins 383 00:13:08,945 --> 00:13:10,743 sucking on my bleeding tits all day. 384 00:13:10,744 --> 00:13:12,500 Time to wean, okay! 385 00:13:12,502 --> 00:13:14,702 They're asking for milk in complete sentences. 386 00:13:14,704 --> 00:13:15,894 I know, but I want them to have strong bones. 387 00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:19,206 You have cured them of osteoporosis for life. 388 00:13:21,087 --> 00:13:21,842 Con... 389 00:13:22,512 --> 00:13:23,944 I really hate your stupid inventions. 390 00:13:23,946 --> 00:13:25,327 - Which ones? - All of them. 391 00:13:25,328 --> 00:13:26,092 The radio shirt. 392 00:13:26,094 --> 00:13:28,383 Which would come in pretty handy right about now. 393 00:13:28,384 --> 00:13:29,977 - High-heeled ice skates. - Super sexy. 394 00:13:29,978 --> 00:13:31,619 - Travel-size couch. - That sucked. 395 00:13:31,621 --> 00:13:33,854 - Oh, the chalkboard tie. - What's wrong with it? 396 00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:35,799 You change the patterns, you make notes. 397 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:36,924 It's so stupid. 398 00:13:36,926 --> 00:13:38,492 Well, SkyMall didn't think it was stupid. 399 00:13:38,494 --> 00:13:39,937 They thought about having a meeting with me. 400 00:13:39,938 --> 00:13:42,091 What about your taxi service where you call up a stranger 401 00:13:42,092 --> 00:13:44,999 - and he drives you around in his van. - Yeah, NateVan. 402 00:13:45,001 --> 00:13:47,635 - You might as well call it RapeVan! - I'd make it a rule. 403 00:13:47,637 --> 00:13:49,015 The drivers aren't allowed to rape. 404 00:13:49,016 --> 00:13:50,981 And your restaurant that serves everything. 405 00:13:50,982 --> 00:13:52,550 Don't talk bad about the Kitchen Sink. 406 00:13:52,552 --> 00:13:55,540 No. You can't have a restaurant that serves everything. 407 00:13:55,542 --> 00:13:56,677 Not with that attitude. 408 00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:58,112 Well, who's gonna cook all this food? 409 00:13:58,114 --> 00:13:59,980 The best chef in the world. 410 00:13:59,982 --> 00:14:01,682 - So you're gonna have French fries... - Yep. 411 00:14:01,684 --> 00:14:03,484 - And sushi and... - Yep. 412 00:14:03,486 --> 00:14:04,287 - Haggis and... - Yep 413 00:14:04,289 --> 00:14:05,415 - mulligatawny soup. - Yep. 414 00:14:05,417 --> 00:14:06,687 And burgers and pizza... 415 00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:09,890 And congee and ackee and Ethiopian injera. 416 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,180 Yes, everything. 417 00:14:11,181 --> 00:14:13,294 - What about escamoles? - I don't know what that is. 418 00:14:13,296 --> 00:14:15,296 It's ant larvae harvested from an agave plant. 419 00:14:15,298 --> 00:14:16,530 That sounds disgusting. 420 00:14:16,532 --> 00:14:18,660 Well, it's the caviar of insects, and the Oaxacans love it. 421 00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:21,883 Well, then we have it, okay, 'cause we have everything. 422 00:14:21,884 --> 00:14:24,405 Why is it so hard for you to wrap your head around that? 423 00:14:24,407 --> 00:14:26,974 - Are you gonna serve camel? - Yeah! I mean, you know, 424 00:14:27,112 --> 00:14:29,913 might have to serve frozen camel, depending on how often it's ordered. 425 00:14:29,914 --> 00:14:31,841 - Where are you gonna get your camel? - I don't know. 426 00:14:31,842 --> 00:14:33,447 Some jungle somewhere. 427 00:14:33,449 --> 00:14:37,284 [distant thunder rumbles] 428 00:14:37,286 --> 00:14:39,420 That's miles away. 429 00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:41,255 I think that's gonna pass us right by. 430 00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,424 Okay, con... you actually believe 431 00:14:43,426 --> 00:14:44,925 everything is just gonna work itself out. 432 00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:47,899 - It's called faith. - It's called blind optimism. 433 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,598 Or idiocy, I'll let you choose. 434 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,200 If those are the only choices, obviously, blind optimism. 435 00:14:53,202 --> 00:14:56,957 [thunder rumbles, closer] 436 00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:59,144 Yep. That's gonna pass us right by. 437 00:15:00,409 --> 00:15:02,376 I could've been a weather man. 438 00:15:03,171 --> 00:15:05,572 - [thunder crashes] - Nate?! 439 00:15:05,574 --> 00:15:06,512 Nate! 440 00:15:07,051 --> 00:15:08,115 Nate! 441 00:15:09,470 --> 00:15:10,414 Nate! 442 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:12,720 Nate, where are you?! 443 00:15:14,423 --> 00:15:19,068 - Don't leave me! - [gasping] 444 00:15:19,069 --> 00:15:22,262 I'll never leave you! Ever! 445 00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:23,753 [coughing] 446 00:15:28,837 --> 00:15:30,742 [weakly] I don't think I can hold on much longer. 447 00:15:30,743 --> 00:15:32,873 - What? - I might have to let go. 448 00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:35,309 What? No. 449 00:15:35,311 --> 00:15:36,528 I've lost the will to fight. 450 00:15:36,529 --> 00:15:38,746 Nate, come on, you're delirious. 451 00:15:38,748 --> 00:15:40,714 Just hang on to me. Hang on, the... 452 00:15:40,716 --> 00:15:43,417 The life vest can hold us both up. Come on. 453 00:15:43,419 --> 00:15:45,905 - I don't think you're hearing me. - I'm hearing you. 454 00:15:45,906 --> 00:15:47,435 I've lost the will to live... 455 00:15:48,624 --> 00:15:51,067 [voice breaking] if I've got nothing to fight for. 456 00:15:52,049 --> 00:15:54,279 You and the kids mean everything to me. 457 00:15:54,616 --> 00:15:56,964 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey. 458 00:15:56,966 --> 00:15:58,572 I was just mad. I was mad. 459 00:15:58,573 --> 00:16:01,002 I'm not gonna take the kids away from you. 460 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,694 When did you start hating me so much? 461 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,906 I don't hate you. I... 462 00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:07,097 I just don't know how to fix it. 463 00:16:08,046 --> 00:16:09,510 I usually just run away. That's what I do. 464 00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:10,970 That's what I've done with everyone. 465 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,466 The... The way to make a problem smaller 466 00:16:12,467 --> 00:16:15,652 - is just get distance from it. - Then change the pattern, okay? 467 00:16:15,653 --> 00:16:18,963 Please, s-stay. Please stay, and we'll fix it. 468 00:16:19,657 --> 00:16:22,537 Why do you even want me?! Come on, I'm... 469 00:16:22,994 --> 00:16:25,422 I'm a bad egg. I'm lazy, I'm a little bit crazy. 470 00:16:25,423 --> 00:16:26,961 - You're not crazy. - Shut up, shut up! 471 00:16:26,962 --> 00:16:28,289 God! I'm doing your list. 472 00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:31,166 Con... I'm unnecessarily... 473 00:16:31,589 --> 00:16:32,913 - combative. - Yeah. 474 00:16:32,914 --> 00:16:34,657 Con... I'd rather watch "The Wire" 475 00:16:34,658 --> 00:16:36,701 - than give you a blow job. - "The Wire," I understand. 476 00:16:36,702 --> 00:16:38,636 But "House Hunters"? Come on! 477 00:16:38,637 --> 00:16:44,301 And also, con... I will never, ever, ever, ever marry you. Sorry. 478 00:16:44,302 --> 00:16:46,139 - Why not? - Because I don't believe in marriage. 479 00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:47,125 I thought I made that pretty clear. 480 00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:48,790 I thought you were just playing it cool. 481 00:16:48,791 --> 00:16:50,964 No. God, no, I think that whole, like, 482 00:16:50,965 --> 00:16:52,649 getting married in front of God bullshit is really... it's psychotic. 483 00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:54,491 What's psychotic about a commitment? 484 00:16:54,492 --> 00:16:55,537 Okay, it's just a promise. 485 00:16:55,538 --> 00:16:56,937 I know, but I don't need a wedding 486 00:16:56,938 --> 00:16:59,012 or a marriage to make a promise. 487 00:17:01,375 --> 00:17:02,558 [sighs] 488 00:17:02,559 --> 00:17:04,796 It's so funny we're talking about this now. 489 00:17:05,181 --> 00:17:07,148 - Why? - [scoffs] 490 00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:10,900 'Cause the whole reason I brought you down here was to... 491 00:17:11,516 --> 00:17:13,160 give you this stupid thing. 492 00:17:15,187 --> 00:17:17,620 Oh, my God! Dude, holy shit! 493 00:17:17,622 --> 00:17:19,921 - That's... That's huge. - Yeah. 494 00:17:19,922 --> 00:17:22,655 That's a beautiful, beautiful cushion cut you got there. 495 00:17:22,656 --> 00:17:26,150 That's great clarity. Really amazing clarity. 496 00:17:26,151 --> 00:17:28,098 No inclusions, I mean, I obviously don't have a loop, 497 00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:29,799 so I can't really see it, but... 498 00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:31,835 Yeah, great fire. Even in starlight. 499 00:17:31,837 --> 00:17:33,641 What did you do, drop like, 3OK on this? 500 00:17:33,642 --> 00:17:34,860 What? Yeah. 501 00:17:34,861 --> 00:17:38,374 That's exactly how much I spent. How'd you know that? 502 00:17:38,899 --> 00:17:40,182 Were you a former diamond smuggler? 503 00:17:40,183 --> 00:17:42,302 [cackles] 504 00:17:42,303 --> 00:17:45,541 No. [chuckles] Stupid really. 505 00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:48,734 Yeah, that represents my entire life savings. 506 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,956 Sweetheart, you didn't have to do this, Nate. 507 00:17:50,957 --> 00:17:52,445 - You didn't. - I know. 508 00:17:52,845 --> 00:17:55,285 I mean, I'm gonna... I should hang onto it, as... 509 00:17:55,286 --> 00:17:57,102 - Yeah. - as a promise. 510 00:17:57,103 --> 00:17:58,317 I'm not saying "yes." 511 00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:00,766 [sighs] 512 00:18:00,767 --> 00:18:02,955 But I'm definitely not saying "no." 513 00:18:04,336 --> 00:18:05,224 I'm just... I'm just saying... 514 00:18:05,226 --> 00:18:06,925 - Oh, Jesus! Hey! Careful! - Shit, shit, shit! 515 00:18:06,927 --> 00:18:08,394 - [whines] - My God! 516 00:18:08,396 --> 00:18:10,451 Just put it on your finger so you don't lose it. 517 00:18:10,452 --> 00:18:13,265 - It's so much money. - Okay, sorry. 518 00:18:14,184 --> 00:18:15,129 - Listen to me. - Yeah. 519 00:18:15,129 --> 00:18:16,090 If you stay, 520 00:18:16,475 --> 00:18:20,059 I promise to respectet every single annoying fault that you have. 521 00:18:20,061 --> 00:18:20,879 Well, within reason. 522 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:25,104 I promise to be the most attentive, loving father to our beautiful babies. 523 00:18:25,106 --> 00:18:26,412 You already are. 524 00:18:26,413 --> 00:18:29,542 - Okay, I will stop drinking. - No! Moderation, you know. 525 00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,041 Okay. I'll stop watching hockey. 526 00:18:31,042 --> 00:18:32,911 Just the minor leagues and the classics on VHS. 527 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,572 I'll shave the douche doughnut. 528 00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:37,344 You know what would be sexy? A beard. Yeah. 529 00:18:37,345 --> 00:18:40,394 I'll promise to stop wasting time inventing stupid shit 530 00:18:40,395 --> 00:18:41,774 that no one will ever buy. 531 00:18:41,775 --> 00:18:43,589 The NateVan was actually not that bad of an idea. 532 00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:46,581 No, you were right. You're never gonna stop the rapes. I know. 533 00:18:46,582 --> 00:18:48,872 Okay. And listen to me. 534 00:18:48,873 --> 00:18:53,727 If you stay, I promise to never, ever, ever, ever 535 00:18:53,728 --> 00:18:55,905 take your hand in holy matrimony. 536 00:18:55,906 --> 00:18:58,742 [chuckles] I do. I mean, I don't. 537 00:19:01,698 --> 00:19:04,833 [retches, coughing] 538 00:19:05,076 --> 00:19:06,408 Okay. 539 00:19:09,046 --> 00:19:11,247 - Okay? You good? - Yeah, yeah. 540 00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:19,321 - What?! Oh! - Holy! 541 00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:21,374 - Oh, ho, ho! - Holy shit! 542 00:19:22,173 --> 00:19:23,792 - Ha ha! - Ha ha! 543 00:19:23,793 --> 00:19:25,410 - Whoo! - Oh, my God! 544 00:19:25,411 --> 00:19:28,030 Oh! Oh! 545 00:19:28,032 --> 00:19:29,398 [grunts] 546 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,121 I told you it was gonna come back to us! 547 00:19:31,122 --> 00:19:33,269 - I told ya! - No, you didn't, but who cares? 548 00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:34,904 - Oh, whoa. - What? 549 00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:37,114 Your foot felt really smooth right there. 550 00:19:37,116 --> 00:19:38,342 That wasn't my foot. 551 00:19:38,766 --> 00:19:41,310 Get up. Get up, get up, get up! 552 00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:47,359 He actually followed through on his promise to never marry me. 553 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,372 - It's probably for the best. - [sighs] 554 00:19:49,373 --> 00:19:50,889 I mean, not marrying me is one thing, 555 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,398 but to make me stand up here like an asshole is... 556 00:19:53,399 --> 00:19:55,865 a whole other thing. This is so embarrassing. 557 00:19:55,866 --> 00:19:57,529 You're embarrassing me in front of all of my voters. 558 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,599 - What did I do to deserve this? - A lot. 559 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,734 - Should we make a list? - No! We made a promise. 560 00:20:01,735 --> 00:20:03,213 He said we would be together forever. 561 00:20:03,214 --> 00:20:05,586 - ? I've got big balls ? - Who's phone is that? 562 00:20:05,587 --> 00:20:08,089 - ? I've got big balls ? - Guys. It's a wedding. 563 00:20:08,636 --> 00:20:09,915 Turn off your phone. 564 00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:14,199 Have some respect for the loser bride and turn it off! 565 00:20:14,489 --> 00:20:16,529 That's coming from his jacket. 566 00:20:16,531 --> 00:20:17,897 ? But we've got the biggest ? 567 00:20:17,899 --> 00:20:19,532 I didn't set that ringtone for anyone. 568 00:20:19,534 --> 00:20:21,158 ? Balls of them all... ? 569 00:20:21,159 --> 00:20:22,851 Where are you? Look, shut up, listen. 570 00:20:22,852 --> 00:20:24,511 I know we said that we would never do this, 571 00:20:24,512 --> 00:20:26,807 but we've got guests and we've got a cake 572 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,442 and I swear to God, the next thing out of your mouth 573 00:20:29,443 --> 00:20:32,271 needs to be an ETA, and it really needs to be five minutes. 574 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:33,545 Look around. 575 00:20:34,057 --> 00:20:35,216 [quietly] Why, are you hiding? 576 00:20:35,217 --> 00:20:39,019 I can't talk. Look around. 577 00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:47,173 ? 578 00:20:47,174 --> 00:20:48,091 Oh, shit. 579 00:20:49,197 --> 00:20:51,307 ? 580 00:20:51,308 --> 00:20:52,272 What do I do? 581 00:20:53,390 --> 00:20:54,129 Run. 582 00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:59,837 Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com 583 00:20:59,887 --> 00:21:04,437 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42553

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