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1
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,271
Morning, sir,
can I help you?
2
00:00:05,304 --> 00:00:06,906
Oh, yes, I wondered
if you have
3
00:00:06,939 --> 00:00:08,975
Any part-time vacancies
on your books.
4
00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:10,776
Part-time, I'll
have a look, sir.
5
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,279
See we've got,
uh... ah, yes.
6
00:00:13,312 --> 00:00:14,914
Sir walter raleigh
is equipping
7
00:00:14,947 --> 00:00:16,616
Another expedition
to virginia.
8
00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:18,284
He needs traders
and sailors.
9
00:00:18,317 --> 00:00:19,285
Vittlers needed
10
00:00:19,318 --> 00:00:20,953
At the court
of philip of spain.
11
00:00:20,987 --> 00:00:22,088
Oh, yeah,
and they want
12
00:00:22,121 --> 00:00:23,489
Master joiners
and craftsmen
13
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,424
For the building of
the globe theater.
14
00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:27,593
I see, haven't you got
anything a bit more modern?
15
00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:28,995
You know, like
a job on the buses
16
00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:30,162
Or digging
the underground?
17
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,731
Well, no,
we only have tudor jobs.
18
00:00:31,764 --> 00:00:33,466
That can't be
very profitable, can it?
19
00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:35,334
Well, you'd be surprised,
actually, sir.
20
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:36,636
The tudor economy's booming
21
00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:38,104
Ever since
sir humphrey gilbert
22
00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:40,540
Opened up
the northwest passage to cathay
23
00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:42,041
And the cabots'
expansion in canada
24
00:00:42,074 --> 00:00:44,076
There's been a tremendous
surge in exports
25
00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:46,445
And trade with the
holy roman empire is going...
26
00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:48,481
No, quite right,
it's no good at all.
27
00:00:48,514 --> 00:00:49,482
What?
28
00:00:49,515 --> 00:00:50,816
It's a dead loss.
29
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:53,486
We haven't put anyone
in a job since 1625.
30
00:00:53,519 --> 00:00:54,487
I see.
31
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,488
That's all?
32
00:00:55,521 --> 00:00:56,489
What?
33
00:00:56,522 --> 00:00:57,657
That's all you say?
34
00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:58,658
Yes.
35
00:00:58,691 --> 00:00:59,725
No, no, we were
the tops then.
36
00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:01,327
Drake got all his sailors here.
37
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,263
Elizabeth, we supplied the
archbishops for her coronation.
38
00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,499
Shakespeare started off
from here as a temp.
39
00:01:06,532 --> 00:01:07,733
Then came
james i
40
00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:09,769
And the bottom
fell out of the tudor jobs.
41
00:01:09,802 --> 00:01:12,772
1603-- 800 vacancies filled.
42
00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:14,307
1604-- 4o.
43
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:15,842
1605-- none.
44
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,176
1606-- none.
45
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,078
The rest of
the stuart period-- nothing.
46
00:01:19,111 --> 00:01:20,179
Hanoverians-- nothing.
47
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:21,180
Victorians-- nothing.
48
00:01:21,214 --> 00:01:22,348
Saxe-coburgs-- nothing.
49
00:01:22,381 --> 00:01:23,950
Windsors... what did you want?
50
00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:25,117
Dirty books, please.
51
00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:26,619
Right.
52
00:01:26,652 --> 00:01:28,754
Sir, sorry about
the tudor bit.
53
00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:31,524
But you can't be
too careful, you know?
54
00:01:31,557 --> 00:01:34,026
Have you got
anything a bit, uh...?
55
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,027
Stronger? hold on.
56
00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:36,195
My lord of warwick!
57
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:37,196
'allo!
58
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,431
Raise high
the drawbridge.
59
00:01:38,464 --> 00:01:39,799
Gloucester's troops
approach.
60
00:01:39,832 --> 00:01:41,000
Right!
61
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:45,872
Can't be too careful,
you know, sir.
62
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,840
There's bridget,
queen of the whip.
63
00:01:47,874 --> 00:01:49,509
Yes...
64
00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:51,210
Or there's
naughty nora.
65
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:52,211
No...
66
00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:53,880
Or there's
this one:
67
00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:57,383
Doug, bob and gordon
visit the ark royal.
68
00:01:57,416 --> 00:02:00,720
Or there's sister teresa,
the spanking nun.
69
00:02:00,753 --> 00:02:02,889
You don't have
anything specifically
70
00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:04,457
About devon
and cornwall?
71
00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:06,492
No, I'm afraid not, sir.
72
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:08,194
The one I was
really after was
73
00:02:08,227 --> 00:02:11,030
Arthur hotchkiss'
devonshire country churches.
74
00:02:11,063 --> 00:02:15,101
Well, how about this,
sir-- bum biters?
75
00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,235
No, not really.
76
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:17,737
And I don't suppose you've got
77
00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:20,406
Any general surveys of
english church architecture?
78
00:02:20,439 --> 00:02:22,241
It's not really our line, sir.
79
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,776
No, I see, well, never mind.
80
00:02:23,809 --> 00:02:25,411
I'll just take the lord
lieutenant in nylons then
81
00:02:25,444 --> 00:02:29,415
And I'll trade in
these two copies of piggie parade.
82
00:02:29,448 --> 00:02:30,416
Right, sir.
83
00:02:30,449 --> 00:02:31,584
My lord
of warwick!
84
00:02:31,617 --> 00:02:32,585
'allo?
85
00:02:32,618 --> 00:02:33,920
Raise high
the drawbridge.
86
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,421
Gloucester's
troops approach!
87
00:02:35,454 --> 00:02:37,924
Right!
88
00:02:41,527 --> 00:02:42,495
Just these, then.
89
00:02:42,528 --> 00:02:43,896
All right,
this is a raid.
90
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,765
My name is
superintendent gaskell
91
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,800
And this is
sergeant maddox.
92
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,535
Sir phillip sidney,
'tis good to see thee
93
00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:50,536
On these shores again.
94
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:51,270
Shut up.
95
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:52,738
Your suit is fair
and goodly cut.
96
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:53,739
Was't from antwerp?
97
00:02:53,773 --> 00:02:55,174
Shut up. it's a disguise.
98
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:57,610
Right! confiscate
the smutty books, maddox.
99
00:02:57,643 --> 00:02:58,845
Sir phillip, prithee nay!
100
00:02:58,878 --> 00:03:00,246
Listen, mate
101
00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:02,515
Don't come that
phillip sidney bit with me.
102
00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:04,350
I'm not a bloody tudor at all.
103
00:03:04,383 --> 00:03:10,857
I'm gaskell of the vice squad
and this is sergeant maddox.
104
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:12,124
Maddox?!
105
00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,093
Where's he gone?
106
00:03:14,126 --> 00:03:15,928
Sir phillip, prithee
rest awhile.
107
00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:17,463
Look, this is
the last time
108
00:03:17,496 --> 00:03:18,531
I'm warning you.
109
00:03:18,564 --> 00:03:20,499
I'm not sir phillip
bleeding sidney.
110
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,401
I am superintendent
harold gaskell
111
00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:23,503
And this is a raid.
112
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:27,106
That'll be
540 quid, sir.
113
00:03:27,139 --> 00:03:28,908
Oh, I'll just have
this one then.
114
00:03:28,941 --> 00:03:30,643
Maddox!
115
00:03:30,676 --> 00:03:33,346
Look, this is a raid...
116
00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:34,814
Honestly.
117
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:35,815
I promise you.
118
00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:36,983
Where are you going?
119
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:37,984
I'm going home.
120
00:03:38,017 --> 00:03:38,985
Right.
121
00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:40,019
Well, I'll remember you.
122
00:03:40,052 --> 00:03:41,988
Don't you worry,
I'll remember you.
123
00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,289
Pray, good
sir phillip...
124
00:03:43,322 --> 00:03:44,323
Don't you start.
125
00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:45,892
Maddox!
126
00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:48,160
Listen, I can prove
to you I'm a policeman.
127
00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:50,062
I'll give the names
of all the men
128
00:03:50,096 --> 00:03:51,664
Down in "f" division
at acton.
129
00:03:51,697 --> 00:03:52,999
Inspector arthur perry
130
00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:55,168
Superintendent
charles frodwell, my best friend
131
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:57,703
Police dogs butch,
wolf, panther, maudling.
132
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,305
How would
I know those names
133
00:03:59,338 --> 00:04:00,907
If I was
sir phillip sidney?
134
00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,809
Vicar, vicar,
you know me.
135
00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:05,244
The gargoyle club.
136
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:07,213
I got you
off the charge.
137
00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:09,515
Farewell, good
sir phillip.
138
00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:10,917
Hey, stop!
139
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:13,519
Maddox!
140
00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:24,530
You'll never get away with this,
you porn merchant!
141
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:27,133
Blimey!
142
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,136
Maddox?
143
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:33,539
Maddox!
144
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:38,911
Oh, good sir,
how glad I am to see thee come.
145
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:43,916
Forgive me weeping,
but my love has gone.
146
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,785
Uh, listen,
my name is gaskell...
147
00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:48,054
Superintendent gaskell
of vice squad.
148
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:50,823
Myself and
sergeant maddox...
149
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:52,225
Are on a raid.
150
00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:53,593
We are not tudor people.
151
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:54,660
We are the police.
152
00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:57,630
Frances, what idleness is this?
153
00:04:57,663 --> 00:05:00,299
Why, good sir
phillip sidney!
154
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,235
What hast thou here?
155
00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:06,439
You are sir
phillip sidney?
156
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:08,608
Possibly...
157
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,476
But I may be
superintendent gaskell
158
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:11,577
Of the vice squad.
159
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:12,845
Ah, good, sir phillip
160
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:15,581
Thy sharp-tongued wit
has not deserted thee.
161
00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:17,683
Come, let us
eat and drink.
162
00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:19,352
Stay with us awhile.
163
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:23,856
All right, sir,
I think I will.
164
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:31,797
Then... then did we bust
the harry tony mob
165
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:32,965
Who did seek to import
166
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,534
Scandinavian filth
via germany.
167
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,569
For six years they
cleaned up a packet.
168
00:05:36,602 --> 00:05:38,938
The day I got whiff of them
through a squealer
169
00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:41,007
Did, within a week,
a mop-up right good.
170
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,241
They're now languishing
171
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:47,146
Doing five years'
bird in parkhurst.
172
00:05:48,814 --> 00:05:49,782
Sir phillip!
173
00:05:49,815 --> 00:05:51,217
The spaniards
have landed
174
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,485
In the
netherlands.
175
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,954
My lord walsingham
needs you there forthwith.
176
00:05:54,987 --> 00:05:56,222
Let's go.
177
00:05:56,255 --> 00:05:57,757
Good luck, sir phillip!
178
00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:01,394
Fight against filth!
179
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,072
Where are
the spaniards?
180
00:06:13,105 --> 00:06:14,340
Down below, sir phillip.
181
00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:17,176
Their first boats
are landing even now.
182
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,012
Right, you stay here,
I'll go and get them.
183
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:23,883
Sir phillip, not alone!
184
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:40,366
'allo, 'allo!
185
00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:42,201
What's going
on here?
186
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:47,507
Is nothing, senor,
is just some literature.
187
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:51,744
I know what
literature is, you dago dustbin.
188
00:06:51,777 --> 00:06:53,980
I also know
what porn is.
189
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,481
What's this then, eh?
190
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:59,018
Is one of lope de vega's
latest plays, senor.
191
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:00,586
Toledo tit parade?
192
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,922
What kind of a play is that?
193
00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:05,358
Is very visual, senor.
194
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:06,959
Right, I'm taking
this lot in
195
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:09,862
In the name of
her gracious majesty queen elizabeth.
196
00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:10,863
Oh, but senor.
197
00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:12,331
Don't give me
any trouble.
198
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,333
Just pile up these
baskets of filth
199
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:15,334
And come with me.
200
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,603
No!
201
00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:38,624
The battle raged long and hard
202
00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:42,395
But as night fell,
sidney overcame the spaniards.
203
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,131
6,000 copies of tits and bums
204
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:50,169
And 4,000 copies of shower
sheila were seized that day.
205
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,439
The tide of spanish porn
was stemmed.
206
00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:57,677
Sir phillip sidney returned
to london in triumph.
207
00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:59,278
Covered in glory
208
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,881
Sir phillip rode home
to penshurst
209
00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:04,984
To see his beloved wife.
210
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:08,688
But all was not well.
211
00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:11,591
Good evening all,
my love.
212
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:15,828
I have returned safe
from the low countries.
213
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,263
What art thou
reading, fair one?
214
00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:19,031
Oh, it is nothing,
husband.
215
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,666
I can see 'tis
something.
216
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:24,103
Uh... 'tis one
of shakespeare's latest works.
217
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:26,105
Oh...
218
00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:29,742
Gay boys in bondage.
219
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,777
What, is't--
tragedy? comedy?
220
00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:34,280
Uh... 'tis, uh...
221
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:37,783
'tis a story of a...
a man's great love
222
00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,319
For his... fellow men.
223
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,121
How fortunate
we are indeed
224
00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:44,624
To have such a poet
on these shores.
225
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:45,791
Indeed.
226
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:47,193
How was the war,
my lord?
227
00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:49,095
The spaniards were
defeated thrice.
228
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:51,964
Six dozen chests
of hard-core captured.
229
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,966
Hast brought home
any spoils of war?
230
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,501
Yes, good my wife.
231
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,437
This fair coat
trimmed with ermine.
232
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,606
Oh, lovely.
233
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,707
Nowt else?
234
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,943
No, no, fair lady,
the rest was too smutty.
235
00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:07,046
Now, my good wife, while
I rest, read to me a while
236
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:10,816
From shakespeare's
gay boys in bondage.
237
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,252
Uh...
238
00:09:13,352 --> 00:09:16,389
Yes, my lord.
239
00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:22,461
Gay boys in bondage.
240
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:29,001
"ken, 25, is a mounted policeman
with a difference
241
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,938
"and, what a difference!
242
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:34,307
"even roger
is surprised
243
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:38,811
"and he's...
he's used to real men.
244
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,413
'tis like hamlet.
245
00:09:40,446 --> 00:09:41,714
What a genius!
246
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:44,250
"but who is going to do
the cooking tonight?
247
00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:45,852
Roddy's got a mouthful..."
248
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:46,853
All right!
249
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,087
This is a raid.
250
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,922
Oh, we are disgraced.
251
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:51,224
There you are, maddox.
252
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,292
Cut the chat
and get in the van.
253
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,894
Maddox,
you recognize me.
254
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,562
Indeed I do,
sir phillip sidney
255
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:57,864
And sad I am
to see you
256
00:09:57,897 --> 00:09:59,799
Caught up in this
morass of filth.
257
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,367
Ooh, that's a long one.
258
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,570
Oh, oh, the glorious name
of sidney is besmirched.
259
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,539
All is lost,
oh, alas the day!
260
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:07,940
Shut up!
I know this man.
261
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,876
It's me old mate,
sergeant maddox.
262
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:11,611
You'll do time
for this.
263
00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:12,912
Oh, maddox,
it's me, gaskell--
264
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,113
"f" division
down at acton.
265
00:10:14,146 --> 00:10:15,414
Inspector
arthur frodwell...
266
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,716
Come on, sidney.
267
00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:17,884
And you, miss.
268
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,151
I'm not sir phillip
bleeding sidney.
269
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,319
Where were you?
270
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,955
We could
have mopped up that tudor shop.
271
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:25,091
Ooh, that's a good one.
272
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,759
It's me,
it's gaskell.
273
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:31,097
Yes, I'll explain
this to you
274
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,732
When I get back
at the station
275
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:37,170
That you've got
the wrong man!
276
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,660
Prithee, what is't
that here I hold?
277
00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:02,862
If is't be brian's,
than to fight I go.
278
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,096
But, no.
279
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,599
Alas, if fortune doth
perceive, I am undone.
280
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:08,434
No, cyril
must not know.
281
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:11,604
But no, yes, no...
ah, ah, ah, resolved.
282
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,673
But, hark,
someone approaching.
283
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:14,774
Take heed, my lord
284
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:18,811
Kevin and bruce
are here.
285
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,825
It's so nice here,
isn't it, darling?
286
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,260
Oh, it's beautiful.
287
00:11:34,293 --> 00:11:37,630
It's... it's paris
all over again.
288
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:41,601
Excuse me, do you mind
if I join you?
289
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,803
Uh... no, no,
not at all.
290
00:11:43,836 --> 00:11:45,571
Are you sure
you don't mind?
291
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:46,806
Uh, yes, yes,
absolutely.
292
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,808
You're sure I won't
be disturbing you?
293
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,209
No, no.
294
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,011
You're absolutely sure
I won't be disturbing you?
295
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:53,312
No, no, really.
296
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,281
Good, because I don't
want to disturb you.
297
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,849
I'm sorry?
298
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,317
I don't want to disturb you
299
00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,785
Especially as
you're being so kind
300
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:00,987
About me
not disturbing you.
301
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:02,255
We don't mind,
do we, darling?
302
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,256
No, no, darling.
303
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,257
Good, so I can go ahead
304
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,892
And join you then,
can i?
305
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:08,227
Yes, yes.
yes, please.
306
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,529
Won't be disturbing?
307
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,663
No, no.
no, no, no.
308
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:12,031
Good, good,
you're very kind.
309
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,066
A lot of people are
far less understanding
310
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,669
Than you are.
311
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:19,038
A lot of people take offense
while I even talk to them
312
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,174
Let alone when
I specifically tell them
313
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:25,511
About my... being disturbing.
314
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:32,451
Well, it's not
particularly disturbing.
315
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,387
No, absolutely,
absolutely.
316
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,255
That's what
I always say.
317
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:40,059
But you'd be amazed...
318
00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:45,097
You'd be amazed
at the number of people
319
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:46,966
Who really don't want me.
320
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,701
Too-too, too-too-too
321
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:50,703
Too-too-too, too-too-too
322
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,171
Too, too, too, too
323
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,240
Too-too, too-too-too, too.
324
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,242
Too-too, too-too-too...
325
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,377
I mean, even doing this
gets people looking at me
326
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,815
In the most extraordinary way.
327
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,093
Vicar, we must be getting on.
328
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,095
I knew I'd disturb you,
I knew I'd disturb you.
329
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,496
It always happens.
330
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,098
Whenever I've found someone
331
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,234
I really think I'm going
to be able to get on with...
332
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:22,768
No, the thing is,
we're going to be late...
333
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,871
Darling, come on, let's stay.
334
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,572
Well, just
a little bit.
335
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:29,242
I mean, we will
be late if we don't...
336
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,911
Oh, thank you,
you're very kind.
337
00:13:31,944 --> 00:13:33,412
Too-too, too-too-too
338
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:34,947
Too-too-too, too-too-too
339
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:38,284
Too, too, too, too...
340
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,387
Too-too, too-too-too...
341
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:42,922
As it turned out
342
00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:45,992
Our chance meeting with
the reverend arthur belling
343
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:48,127
Was to change
our whole way of life
344
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,929
And every sunday
345
00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:56,536
We'd hurry along to st. loony
up the cream bun and jam...
346
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,609
Congregation:
too-too, too-too-too
347
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,478
Too-too-too, too-too-too
348
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:09,182
Too, too, too, too...
349
00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:16,822
And now...
350
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,425
It's...
351
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:26,265
Monty python's
flying circuseses.
352
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:23,823
Right, sir, one safari snowball.
353
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,658
That comes to funt1,361.48
354
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:30,162
And we'll throw
the nude man in for free.
355
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,265
All right, gentlemen,
last orders, please.
356
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,534
Oh, do you want a drink
before they close?
357
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:35,568
No, I want a kiss.
358
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:38,404
Oh, goody.
359
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:41,774
And so they lived
happily ever after.
360
00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:44,610
But now...
361
00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:51,918
The "free repetition
of doubtful words skit, spoof, jape, or vignette"
362
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,189
By a very underrated writer.
363
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:57,790
I have come
364
00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:00,326
For some free repetition
of doubtful words
365
00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:01,694
On an inland telegram.
366
00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:04,230
Have you the telegram
in question?
367
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:06,232
I have the
very thing here.
368
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,668
Well, slip it to me,
my good chap
369
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,703
And let me eye
the contents.
370
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:14,073
At once,
mr. telegram enquiry man.
371
00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:17,977
Thank you,
mr. customer man.
372
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:20,646
Ha-ho! "parling,
I glove you.
373
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,015
"clease clome
at bronce.
374
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:25,484
Your troving
swife, pat."
375
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:29,422
Which was the word
you wanted checking?
376
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:30,423
"pat."
377
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,490
"pat"?
378
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,393
My wife's name is
not pat at all.
379
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,394
No?
380
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:36,829
It's bat
with a "b."
381
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,698
And therefore
I will take
382
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,566
A quick look
in the book.
383
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,969
Ripping.
384
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,737
You're quite
right, old cock.
385
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:46,305
There has been
a mistake.
386
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,607
I thought as much.
387
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,342
What really
does it say?
388
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:52,745
It say, "go away, you
silly little bleeder
389
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,747
"I am having
another man.
390
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:55,748
Love, bat."
391
00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:57,183
Quite some error.
392
00:16:57,216 --> 00:16:59,585
Yes, she wouldn't
call herself pat.
393
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:00,586
It's silly.
394
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:01,888
Daft, I call it.
395
00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:05,191
Well, it has
been a pleasure working with you.
396
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,760
For me, also, it has
been a pleasure.
397
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:12,598
And that concludes
our little skit.
398
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:21,474
The "free repetition
of doubtful words thing"
399
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:24,977
By a justly underrated writer.
400
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,647
The end.
401
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,918
Good evening,
tonight on is there?
402
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:09,722
We examine the question,
"is there a life after death?"
403
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:15,127
And here to discuss it
are three dead people...
404
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,863
The late sir brian hardaker
405
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,600
Former curator
of the imperial war museum
406
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,468
The late professor thynne
407
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:26,072
Until recently an academic
critic and broadcaster
408
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,708
And putting the point of view
of the church of england
409
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:31,777
The very late
prebendary reverend ross.
410
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,114
Gentlemen, is there a life
after death or not?
411
00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:37,950
Sir brian?
412
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,559
Professor?
413
00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:53,466
Prebendary?
414
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,036
Well, there we have it--
three say "no."
415
00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:00,206
On is there? next week,
we'll be discussing the question
416
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,141
"is there enough of it about?"
417
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:06,012
Until then, good night.
418
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:21,360
Good doctor
morning.
419
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,962
Nice year for
the time of day.
420
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:23,963
Come in.
421
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,731
Can I down sit?
422
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:26,966
Certainly.
423
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,501
Well, then?
424
00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:29,735
Well, I'm not going
425
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,604
To bush the doctor
about the beat too long.
426
00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,306
I'm going to come to point
the straight immediately.
427
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:34,373
Good, good.
428
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:35,374
My particular prob
429
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,876
Or buglem bear, I've had ages.
430
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,644
For years,
I've had it for donkeys.
431
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,112
What?
432
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,113
I'm up to here with it.
433
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:42,215
I'm sick to death.
434
00:19:42,248 --> 00:19:43,382
I can't take you any longer
435
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,517
So I've come
to see it.
436
00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,018
Ah, now, this is
your problem with words.
437
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:48,321
This is my
problem with words.
438
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:50,957
Oh, that seems
to have cleared it.
439
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:53,459
Oh, I come from alabama
with my banjo on my knee
440
00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:55,027
Yes, that seems
to be all right.
441
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,295
Thank you very much.
442
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,197
I see, uh, but recently
you have been having
443
00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,699
This problem
with your word order.
444
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,033
Well, absolutely,
and what makes it worse
445
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,435
Is that sometimes
at the end of a sentence
446
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:04,737
I'll come out
with the wrong fuse box.
447
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:06,105
"fuse box"?
448
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,040
And the thing about
saying the wrong word
449
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,475
Is that "a," I don't notice it
450
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:11,244
And "b," sometimes
orange water given
451
00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:13,813
Bucket of plaster.
452
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,715
Yes, tell me more
about your problem.
453
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,283
Well, as I say,
you'd just be talking
454
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:18,718
And out'll pudenda
the wrong word
455
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:19,752
And ashtray's
your uncle.
456
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,153
I'm awfully
strawberry about it.
457
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:22,188
Upset?
458
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,322
It's so embarrassing
459
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,524
When my wife and i
go to an orgy.
460
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,525
A party?
461
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,726
No, an orgy.
462
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,394
We live in esher.
463
00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:30,129
Quite.
464
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,330
That's what I said.
465
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:32,865
It's such a bloody
whack the diddle-o
466
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,700
Fal-di-ral, fa-di-da,
lo-di-do-di-do-fum-fum.
467
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,236
Mr. burrows, this is
no common problem.
468
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,839
You are suffering
from a disease so rare
469
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:42,175
That it hasn't got
a name-- not yet.
470
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:43,843
But it will
have, oh, yes!
471
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,913
This is the opportunity
I've been waiting for--
472
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,814
The chance of a lifetime!
473
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,584
I'll show them at
the royal college of surgeons.
474
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:53,719
I'll make them sit up
and take notice.
475
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,154
Thripshaw's disease!
476
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:57,823
Discovered by
e. henry thripshaw, m.d.
477
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,894
I'll be invited on call my
bluff, and the merchandising--
478
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,730
There'll be
e. henry thripshaw t-shirts!
479
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,532
I'll turn it into a game!
480
00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:10,636
I'll sell the film rights!
481
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:52,712
That clip... comes from the
new david o. seltzer... film.
482
00:21:53,679 --> 00:21:56,182
The author...
483
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,584
Of that film clip...
484
00:21:58,618 --> 00:22:00,586
Is with me...
485
00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:02,788
Now.
486
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:06,025
Dr. e. henry...
487
00:22:06,626 --> 00:22:09,328
Thripshaw.
488
00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:15,034
Well, I feel that they've missed
the whole point of my disease.
489
00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:17,370
This is...
490
00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:20,740
Always the problem... with...
491
00:22:20,773 --> 00:22:22,808
Directors...
492
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,178
Of film...
493
00:22:25,211 --> 00:22:27,313
Clips.
494
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:28,648
Yes, well, you see
495
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:31,117
They've dragged in
all this irrelevant mush.
496
00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:33,719
What...
497
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:36,989
Are you doing...
498
00:22:37,456 --> 00:22:39,058
Now?
499
00:22:39,091 --> 00:22:42,261
Well, at the present moment,
I'm working on a new disease
500
00:22:42,295 --> 00:22:45,998
Which I hope to turn
into a musical...
501
00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:49,602
But primarily, we are working
on a remake of my first disease
502
00:22:49,635 --> 00:22:52,338
And this time we're hoping
to do it properly.
503
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,574
Well...
504
00:22:54,607 --> 00:22:56,809
Let's just...
505
00:22:56,843 --> 00:22:58,511
Take a...
506
00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,746
Look at this new...
507
00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:03,349
Film...
508
00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:07,019
Clip.
509
00:23:18,431 --> 00:23:23,536
Well, now, what seems
to be the matter?
510
00:23:23,636 --> 00:23:29,475
The next sketch follows
after some silly noises.
511
00:23:47,493 --> 00:23:49,395
Come in.
512
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,897
I wondered if
I could have
513
00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,532
A word with you
for a moment.
514
00:23:52,565 --> 00:23:54,367
By all means,
by all means, sir.
515
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,868
Do sit down.
516
00:23:55,902 --> 00:23:57,570
Uh... sit on
the desk here.
517
00:23:57,603 --> 00:23:58,571
Oh, thank you.
518
00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,106
Now then,
glass of sherry?
519
00:24:00,139 --> 00:24:01,107
No, thank you.
520
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,108
Are you sure?
521
00:24:02,141 --> 00:24:03,376
I'm going to have some.
522
00:24:03,409 --> 00:24:04,911
Well, if you're
having some
523
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,312
Yes, then
perhaps, vicar.
524
00:24:06,345 --> 00:24:09,148
Oh, there's only
just enough for me.
525
00:24:09,182 --> 00:24:10,149
Well, in that case
526
00:24:10,183 --> 00:24:11,150
I won't,
don't worry.
527
00:24:11,184 --> 00:24:12,418
You see, if I split
what's left
528
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,353
Well, there'd hardly be
any left for me at all.
529
00:24:14,387 --> 00:24:15,821
Well, I'm
not a great sherry drinker.
530
00:24:15,855 --> 00:24:16,956
Good, so I can
have it all.
531
00:24:16,989 --> 00:24:19,158
Now then, what's
the problem?
532
00:24:19,192 --> 00:24:20,660
Well, just
recently
533
00:24:20,693 --> 00:24:22,795
I've begun to
worry about...
534
00:24:22,828 --> 00:24:24,063
Oh!
535
00:24:24,096 --> 00:24:25,398
Found another bottle.
536
00:24:25,431 --> 00:24:27,667
You can have some
now if you want to.
537
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:29,936
Oh, well then, yes,
perhaps a little.
538
00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:31,904
Oh, you don't have to,
I can drink the whole bottle.
539
00:24:31,938 --> 00:24:33,973
Um, in that case, no.
540
00:24:34,006 --> 00:24:35,908
Good, that's another
bottle for me-- right.
541
00:24:35,942 --> 00:24:39,212
I've begun to worry
recently that...
542
00:24:39,245 --> 00:24:41,781
Come in!
543
00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:42,982
Vicar:
ah, mr. husband.
544
00:24:43,015 --> 00:24:45,084
This is mr. kirkham,
one of my parishioners.
545
00:24:45,117 --> 00:24:46,118
This is mr. husband
546
00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:47,753
Of the british
sherry corporation.
547
00:24:47,787 --> 00:24:49,922
Look, look, perhaps
I better come back later.
548
00:24:49,956 --> 00:24:51,123
No, no, no,
do stay here.
549
00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:52,191
Have a sherry.
550
00:24:52,225 --> 00:24:53,960
You won't be long,
will you, husband?
551
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:55,428
Oh, no, vicar,
just a question
552
00:24:55,461 --> 00:24:56,529
Of signing
a few forms.
553
00:24:56,562 --> 00:24:57,530
There we are.
554
00:24:57,563 --> 00:24:58,931
There we are,
mr. husband.
555
00:24:58,965 --> 00:25:00,700
Now, how about
you, mr. kirkham?
556
00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:02,034
Well, only if
there's enough.
557
00:25:02,068 --> 00:25:03,436
Ah, well, there's
not much now.
558
00:25:03,469 --> 00:25:05,905
Oh... in that case,
no, I won't.
559
00:25:05,938 --> 00:25:06,906
Good. right.
560
00:25:06,939 --> 00:25:08,007
Right, now then.
561
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,009
What is the
problem, husband?
562
00:25:10,042 --> 00:25:12,645
Well, vicar, I've made
enquiries with our shippers
563
00:25:12,678 --> 00:25:15,248
And the most sherry
they can ship in any one load
564
00:25:15,281 --> 00:25:17,116
Is 12,000 gallons.
565
00:25:17,149 --> 00:25:19,285
And how many glasses is that?
566
00:25:19,318 --> 00:25:22,889
That's roughly
540,000 glasses, vicar.
567
00:25:22,922 --> 00:25:24,524
That's excellent,
husband, excellent.
568
00:25:24,557 --> 00:25:26,926
Yes, it means you can still keep
your main sherry supply
569
00:25:26,959 --> 00:25:29,028
On the roof, but you can
have an emergency supply
570
00:25:29,061 --> 00:25:30,763
Underneath the vestry,
of 5,000 gallons.
571
00:25:30,796 --> 00:25:32,565
Or I could have
dry sherry on the roof
572
00:25:32,598 --> 00:25:34,467
And amontillado
in the underground tank.
573
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:35,468
Absolutely.
574
00:25:35,501 --> 00:25:36,469
Excellent
work, husband
575
00:25:36,502 --> 00:25:37,470
Excellent work.
576
00:25:37,503 --> 00:25:38,504
Not at all,
vicar.
577
00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:40,039
You're one of
our best customers--
578
00:25:40,072 --> 00:25:42,175
You and the
united states.
579
00:25:42,208 --> 00:25:43,609
Bye-bye, terrific.
580
00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:46,112
Now, then, mr. kirkham,
I am so sorry, do go on.
581
00:25:46,145 --> 00:25:47,580
Well, it's just
that recently
582
00:25:47,613 --> 00:25:49,048
I've begun to
worry about...
583
00:25:49,081 --> 00:25:50,983
Well, look, does
the bible intend...
584
00:25:51,017 --> 00:25:52,151
Amontillado!
585
00:25:52,185 --> 00:25:53,152
Amontillado!
586
00:25:53,186 --> 00:25:55,254
Amontillado!
587
00:25:55,288 --> 00:25:56,255
Hey, hey, hey!
588
00:25:56,289 --> 00:25:59,258
Amontillado!
589
00:25:59,625 --> 00:26:02,495
Amontillado!
590
00:26:02,528 --> 00:26:08,367
From the old land of spain,
we come to honor you
591
00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:11,938
Arriba! arriba!
592
00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:17,510
From miles and miles away,
we salute you.
593
00:26:20,346 --> 00:26:23,950
You make us so,
so happy in spain
594
00:26:23,983 --> 00:26:26,986
Reverend tomlinson...
595
00:26:27,019 --> 00:26:27,987
Ole!
596
00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:28,988
What did you want?
597
00:26:29,021 --> 00:26:30,156
Dirty books, please.
598
00:26:30,189 --> 00:26:32,658
Right.
599
00:27:26,846 --> 00:27:29,749
E. henry thripshaw t-shirts
are now available
600
00:27:29,782 --> 00:27:31,083
From bbc enterprises.
601
00:27:31,133 --> 00:27:35,683
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