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1
00:00:01,365 --> 00:00:04,324
On today's show, a man
who had a penis transplant
2
00:00:04,325 --> 00:00:06,722
finally meets the family
of his deceased donor.
3
00:00:06,747 --> 00:00:09,244
What he doesn't know...
4
00:00:09,245 --> 00:00:11,304
- they want the penis back.
- [crowd cheers]
5
00:00:11,305 --> 00:00:14,234
That's so ridiculous!
6
00:00:14,235 --> 00:00:16,364
I never would've gone
on national television
7
00:00:16,365 --> 00:00:18,294
after my penis transplant.
8
00:00:18,295 --> 00:00:19,314
- What?
- [computer dings]
9
00:00:19,315 --> 00:00:21,254
Oh, dude, we got a job.
10
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:22,891
- Grab your jacket. Let's go.
- Yeah, look, dude,
11
00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:24,981
we just worked yesterday.
I mean, come on,
12
00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:27,002
let's set a couple guidelines
here, okay, Roomie?
13
00:00:27,003 --> 00:00:28,739
I'm not really a "get up early",
14
00:00:28,740 --> 00:00:30,585
wash my whole body, and go
to work two days in a row"
15
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:32,683
type of guy, just generally speaking.
16
00:00:32,708 --> 00:00:35,718
Pac, we do this job,
we get a thousand clams.
17
00:00:35,719 --> 00:00:36,808
I don't know, dude.
That seems like
18
00:00:36,809 --> 00:00:39,718
way too many clams for just two guys.
19
00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:40,964
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
20
00:00:40,989 --> 00:00:42,877
I mean, that's a thousand clams.
21
00:00:42,902 --> 00:00:44,364
I guess we could freeze half of them
22
00:00:44,365 --> 00:00:46,364
and then slowly work our way
through the first 500.
23
00:00:46,365 --> 00:00:49,264
No, Pac, the job pays
a thousand dollars.
24
00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:51,254
Oh, fuck me, okay! [laughs]
25
00:00:51,255 --> 00:00:52,354
Why didn't you say so?
26
00:00:52,355 --> 00:00:54,374
What do you say, celebratory bong hits?
27
00:00:54,375 --> 00:00:56,424
No, dude.
We just got a job.
28
00:00:56,425 --> 00:00:59,135
Right, that was dumb. I'm sorry.
29
00:00:59,136 --> 00:01:01,045
It's unprofessional.
30
00:01:01,047 --> 00:01:04,056
- We're smoking blunts.
- Hey-o!
31
00:01:04,057 --> 00:01:06,116
Let me see that thing.
Do you have one for you?
32
00:01:06,117 --> 00:01:08,237
33
00:01:10,531 --> 00:01:13,531
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
34
00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:42,067
35
00:01:43,207 --> 00:01:45,256
[burps, echoes]
Ooh.
36
00:01:45,257 --> 00:01:48,026
- But it sounds good.
- Reverb, brother.
37
00:01:48,027 --> 00:01:51,036
- Hi.
- You must be the ghost guys.
38
00:01:51,037 --> 00:01:53,086
We are indeed.
Although I don't see ghosts.
39
00:01:53,087 --> 00:01:54,216
He does. But we're partners.
40
00:01:54,217 --> 00:01:56,136
Yeah. I mean, we're not,
like, life partners.
41
00:01:56,137 --> 00:01:58,116
We're business partners.
But I guess we would like
42
00:01:58,117 --> 00:02:00,066
the business to last a lifetime.
43
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,186
- But, no, we're not lovers.
- Yeah, but we have, like,
44
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:03,086
no problem changing
in front of each other
45
00:02:03,087 --> 00:02:04,166
- and stuff like that.
- I don't love it, but...
46
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:05,236
Thrilling story. Listen,
47
00:02:05,237 --> 00:02:07,076
I'm getting married here in a week
48
00:02:07,077 --> 00:02:08,802
and every time I try to rehearse,
49
00:02:08,827 --> 00:02:10,186
my father-in-law gets injured
50
00:02:10,187 --> 00:02:12,166
and it's really taking
the attention away from me.
51
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,146
Clearly, something doesn't want me
52
00:02:14,147 --> 00:02:15,256
to walk down this aisle.
53
00:02:15,257 --> 00:02:17,116
- Yeah.
- So maybe it's best
54
00:02:17,117 --> 00:02:19,136
- I just sit this one out.
- Come on, Gus.
55
00:02:19,137 --> 00:02:22,276
You know I need a father figure
to walk me down the aisle.
56
00:02:23,207 --> 00:02:25,206
See, my real dad's an astronaut
57
00:02:25,207 --> 00:02:28,126
and he's been busy on this
super important space mission
58
00:02:28,127 --> 00:02:30,216
- since before I was born.
- Whoa. Oh, holy shit.
59
00:02:30,217 --> 00:02:32,467
I... you know, I never
met my dad either.
60
00:02:32,492 --> 00:02:34,056
In fact, I was born in an orphanage.
61
00:02:34,057 --> 00:02:35,176
I mean, I wasn't born
in an orphanage...
62
00:02:35,177 --> 00:02:37,086
I'm sorry. It just... it seems like
63
00:02:37,087 --> 00:02:38,206
you're winding up to tell
a very lengthy story
64
00:02:38,207 --> 00:02:40,036
and I really don't have time for that.
65
00:02:40,037 --> 00:02:41,156
Right, yeah, of course.
66
00:02:41,157 --> 00:02:43,096
Okay. Sir, if you wouldn't mind,
67
00:02:43,097 --> 00:02:45,086
would you take a couple
steps down the aisle
68
00:02:45,087 --> 00:02:47,106
so I can get a better sense
of what's going on in here?
69
00:02:47,107 --> 00:02:48,206
I'd rather not.
70
00:02:48,207 --> 00:02:50,056
I'd really rather you did.
71
00:02:50,057 --> 00:02:51,537
Come on, Gus. This is important.
72
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,676
We're getting married in one week.
73
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:56,087
Just walk down the aisle.
74
00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:00,156
[exhales] Okay.
75
00:03:00,157 --> 00:03:02,106
- Not so bad.
- No, no, keep going.
76
00:03:02,107 --> 00:03:04,086
- Get into the aisle.
- [sighs]
77
00:03:04,087 --> 00:03:06,136
Oh! [screams]
78
00:03:06,137 --> 00:03:08,046
I told you!
79
00:03:08,047 --> 00:03:09,246
- We should, um...
- [shouting continues]
80
00:03:09,247 --> 00:03:11,086
We should really go check on him.
81
00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:13,056
- Sure.
- Fix this.
82
00:03:13,057 --> 00:03:14,166
Yes, as you wish, ma'am.
83
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:16,186
This is wrong.
84
00:03:16,187 --> 00:03:18,146
This is all wrong.
85
00:03:18,147 --> 00:03:20,106
- God.
- Hi there!
86
00:03:20,107 --> 00:03:22,026
- Oh, is it the ghost?
- Yeah.
87
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,727
Fucking Jesus Christ!
88
00:03:23,759 --> 00:03:25,106
It's the ghost of Jesus?
89
00:03:25,107 --> 00:03:26,475
Oh, I have so many questions.
90
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,035
Ask him what kind of wood I should use
91
00:03:28,037 --> 00:03:29,186
when I'm building my end table.
92
00:03:29,187 --> 00:03:31,076
No, it's not the ghost
of Jesus Christ, man.
93
00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:33,036
It's a... it's a lady ghost.
94
00:03:33,037 --> 00:03:34,206
Really? Describe her.
95
00:03:34,207 --> 00:03:36,206
Well, okay, yeah. She's, uh...
96
00:03:36,207 --> 00:03:39,026
uh,
97
00:03:39,027 --> 00:03:40,136
well-built.
98
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,056
Muscular? That's hot.
99
00:03:42,057 --> 00:03:43,166
- Yeah, muscular.
- All right, listen.
100
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:45,066
I'm kind of in a time crunch here,
101
00:03:45,067 --> 00:03:47,086
- so if we could just...
- Get right to it.
102
00:03:47,087 --> 00:03:49,076
The thing is, I know I
don't look old-fashioned,
103
00:03:49,077 --> 00:03:51,116
but I am, and I really
need Jane's father
104
00:03:51,117 --> 00:03:53,216
- to walk her down the aisle.
- Isn't Jane's father
105
00:03:53,217 --> 00:03:55,945
- in outer space?
- What? No!
106
00:03:56,176 --> 00:03:57,206
She just told me he was.
107
00:03:57,207 --> 00:03:58,763
Jane's father is not in space.
108
00:03:58,788 --> 00:04:00,086
That is something I made up
109
00:04:00,087 --> 00:04:01,216
to tell a two-year-old.
110
00:04:01,217 --> 00:04:04,628
See, the thing is, I was
a porn actress, okay?
111
00:04:04,653 --> 00:04:07,026
- Yeah.
- Cindy Squirter.
112
00:04:07,027 --> 00:04:08,046
- No?
- No.
113
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:10,166
- No?
- Cindy Squirter?
114
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,206
Her dad was one of my costars
115
00:04:12,207 --> 00:04:15,036
and I was gonna come clean
to her about it at some point,
116
00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,196
but I died when she was so young.
117
00:04:16,197 --> 00:04:18,086
Pac, what's happening?
Tell me what's going on.
118
00:04:18,087 --> 00:04:19,136
Okay, she was a porn star.
119
00:04:19,137 --> 00:04:20,505
- Actress.
- Muscle porn?
120
00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:21,226
- Yo, that's my jam!
- I know.
121
00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:22,450
- Okay,
- Hook me up!
122
00:04:22,451 --> 00:04:23,864
This might be kind of
easier than we think.
123
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:25,430
You just tell us the
name of that costar,
124
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,471
we go round him up
and bring him to the wedding.
125
00:04:27,496 --> 00:04:28,440
- Piece of cake.
- I don't know
126
00:04:28,441 --> 00:04:30,412
who Jane's father is.
That's the problem.
127
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:31,951
I made a lot of movies
128
00:04:31,976 --> 00:04:34,508
around the time that
Jane was conceived.
129
00:04:34,778 --> 00:04:36,729
All I know is it was October 1991
130
00:04:36,761 --> 00:04:37,870
and the only person
with the information
131
00:04:37,871 --> 00:04:39,740
of who I was in the movies with
132
00:04:39,741 --> 00:04:41,695
was my agent, Saul.
133
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:42,840
[snaps fingers] Your agent Saul.
134
00:04:42,841 --> 00:04:44,760
Okay, good. That's where
we'll start, then.
135
00:04:44,761 --> 00:04:45,910
[clicks tongue]
136
00:04:46,592 --> 00:04:48,451
- Come on, let's go.
- So, does she have, like,
137
00:04:48,452 --> 00:04:49,571
a Sylvester Stallone kind of body?
138
00:04:49,572 --> 00:04:50,611
Yeah. "First Blood."
139
00:04:50,612 --> 00:04:52,571
[knocking on door]
140
00:04:52,572 --> 00:04:54,611
- Guys, come in. Sit down.
- Thank you.
141
00:04:54,612 --> 00:04:56,256
Thank you. Don't mind if we do.
142
00:04:56,257 --> 00:04:58,226
Okay, before we get
started, you gotta sign
143
00:04:58,228 --> 00:05:00,157
one of these release forms.
144
00:05:00,158 --> 00:05:01,277
- Here.
- Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
145
00:05:01,278 --> 00:05:04,187
Sorry, the pen's a
little chewed up, but...
146
00:05:04,188 --> 00:05:07,107
Sorry, what are these
release forms for?
147
00:05:07,108 --> 00:05:08,257
Big, fat, gay bear movie.
148
00:05:08,258 --> 00:05:11,127
- No...
- You two, you're perfect.
149
00:05:11,128 --> 00:05:13,187
No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. [chuckles]
150
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,247
No, no, no, we're not here for
any big, fat, gay bear porn.
151
00:05:16,248 --> 00:05:18,237
You can't quite pull off twink anymore.
152
00:05:18,238 --> 00:05:21,247
No, no, no. We're not here
for any kind of gay porn.
153
00:05:21,248 --> 00:05:23,247
You don't have to be gay
to suck dick in a film.
154
00:05:23,248 --> 00:05:24,248
- Well...
- Some of
155
00:05:24,249 --> 00:05:25,297
the straightest guys I know,
156
00:05:25,298 --> 00:05:27,217
they exclusively have sex with men.
157
00:05:27,218 --> 00:05:29,801
- No. Saul...
- How much do these guys make?
158
00:05:29,802 --> 00:05:31,359
- No, Clyde!
- What if we just
159
00:05:31,384 --> 00:05:32,800
- jerk off with... all right.
- Yeah, we're not.
160
00:05:32,801 --> 00:05:33,980
We're not going down that path. Saul,
161
00:05:33,981 --> 00:05:35,920
we're here because of
a former client of yours,
162
00:05:35,921 --> 00:05:37,960
- Cindy Squirter.
- God.
163
00:05:38,294 --> 00:05:40,243
- Sweet girl.
- Yeah.
164
00:05:40,723 --> 00:05:42,259
Can I have one of these dick candies?
165
00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:43,324
Yeah, help yourself.
166
00:05:45,454 --> 00:05:48,243
She has a kid who's all grown up now
167
00:05:48,244 --> 00:05:49,283
and we're trying to find its father.
168
00:05:49,284 --> 00:05:50,069
Do you have any recollection
169
00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:51,480
of what Cindy's schedule
would've looked like
170
00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:52,948
in October of '91?
171
00:05:52,949 --> 00:05:54,028
You know, around that time,
172
00:05:54,029 --> 00:05:56,878
Cindy, she worked almost exclusively
173
00:05:56,879 --> 00:05:58,938
with an actor named Diego.
174
00:05:58,939 --> 00:06:00,888
- Diego.
- Decent guy.
175
00:06:00,889 --> 00:06:02,938
- Great penis.
- Okay, well, excellent.
176
00:06:02,939 --> 00:06:04,048
So, then Diego must be her father.
177
00:06:04,049 --> 00:06:05,978
- I think so.
- The only trouble is
178
00:06:05,979 --> 00:06:08,898
Diego, he had a vasectomy.
179
00:06:08,899 --> 00:06:10,058
Could not have been him.
180
00:06:10,059 --> 00:06:12,928
Let me see if I've got
one of my calendars.
181
00:06:12,929 --> 00:06:14,108
This release is not that bad.
182
00:06:14,109 --> 00:06:15,908
- [glass shatters]
- I guess.
183
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,018
It's worth considering.
184
00:06:18,450 --> 00:06:19,539
- Is that the rate?
- Yeah!
185
00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:22,399
- Got it.
- Hey, bingo!
186
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,509
Diego, Diego.
187
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:26,459
- Mm-hmm.
- Diego,
188
00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:29,379
Diego, "Cindy 500,"
189
00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:32,003
Diego, Diego, Diego.
190
00:06:32,004 --> 00:06:33,443
Hold on, hold on, back that up.
191
00:06:33,468 --> 00:06:35,387
What's "The Cindy 500"?
192
00:06:35,388 --> 00:06:36,497
It's a little movie we made
193
00:06:36,498 --> 00:06:39,347
where 500 guys banged Cindy
194
00:06:39,348 --> 00:06:41,397
- in a paint shed.
- [groans]
195
00:06:41,398 --> 00:06:43,367
- I got a copy.
- Give it here.
196
00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:44,857
- That'll help.
- Okay, so the father
197
00:06:44,858 --> 00:06:47,166
is gonna be any one of these 500 guys?
198
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:49,861
Could be worse. I have a client
who did a picture called
199
00:06:49,862 --> 00:06:51,807
"20,000 Loads Under the Sea."
200
00:06:51,863 --> 00:06:52,900
[sighs]
201
00:06:52,902 --> 00:06:54,881
Keep the pen. I've got
a million of them.
202
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:55,932
Thank you.
203
00:06:59,902 --> 00:07:01,001
[sniffs]
204
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:03,055
Ugh, to all the people
who laughed at me
205
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,648
for still using a VHS,
look who's laughing now.
206
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,071
Ha ha!
207
00:07:08,641 --> 00:07:10,909
- Got 'em.
- Hey, hey, don't fast-forward.
208
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:11,964
I don't want any spoilers.
209
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,894
We just need to get to the end
credits so we can get the names.
210
00:07:13,895 --> 00:07:15,636
But when I looked it up on Wankipedia,
211
00:07:15,637 --> 00:07:17,223
it said it was really good.
It's worth watching.
212
00:07:17,248 --> 00:07:18,056
Okay, we'll watch it later,
213
00:07:18,057 --> 00:07:19,892
but for right now, come on.
It's work time, buddy.
214
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:21,472
- Here we go.
- All right.
215
00:07:21,473 --> 00:07:23,372
- End credits.
- Unrelated, I have an erection.
216
00:07:23,397 --> 00:07:25,196
- Okay, write these down.
- Yeah.
217
00:07:25,197 --> 00:07:28,226
Okay. Tommy Salami.
218
00:07:28,227 --> 00:07:29,747
James Van Der Cock.
219
00:07:29,748 --> 00:07:32,657
Edward Scissordicks.
Benicio Del Toro.
220
00:07:32,682 --> 00:07:34,206
Wait a minute, these aren't
real names, are they?
221
00:07:34,231 --> 00:07:36,250
No, they're obviously fake porn names.
222
00:07:36,251 --> 00:07:38,210
Although I did grow up down the street
223
00:07:38,211 --> 00:07:41,210
- from a Scissordicks family.
- Fuck!
224
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:44,320
Well, that was a huge
waste of a few moments.
225
00:07:44,321 --> 00:07:48,160
Oh, wait a second.
226
00:07:48,161 --> 00:07:49,887
All these porn actors,
they probably had to fill out
227
00:07:49,888 --> 00:07:51,937
one of these, um... the
forms that Saul gave us.
228
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:53,194
- Oh, the release form.
- Release form, yeah!
229
00:07:53,219 --> 00:07:54,907
Look at this. Number's on here.
230
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,875
Oh, shit! I'm gonna call Loinsgate.
231
00:07:56,931 --> 00:08:00,007
What is it? Yeah, yeah. 555-0169.
232
00:08:00,008 --> 00:08:02,897
[chuckles] It ended in 69.
233
00:08:02,898 --> 00:08:04,027
Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause
they're a porn company.
234
00:08:04,028 --> 00:08:05,957
I know, I know. That's really funny.
235
00:08:05,958 --> 00:08:09,215
Hello. I was wondering
if... if you could give me
236
00:08:09,303 --> 00:08:10,927
the 500 release forms
237
00:08:10,928 --> 00:08:12,077
in the adult cult classic
238
00:08:12,078 --> 00:08:14,495
"The Cindy 500"?
239
00:08:14,615 --> 00:08:15,963
Uh-huh.
240
00:08:15,988 --> 00:08:18,057
Oh, okay.
241
00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:20,583
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
242
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:23,057
Thank you.
243
00:08:23,058 --> 00:08:25,545
- They gave you all 500 names?
- [sighs] No.
244
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,528
They said that that was
really sensitive information
245
00:08:27,553 --> 00:08:29,156
they don't just give out
to any douchebag.
246
00:08:29,157 --> 00:08:31,096
Shit!
247
00:08:31,097 --> 00:08:33,096
- Okay, well...
- [glass shatters]
248
00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:34,276
I guess we have one option left.
249
00:08:34,277 --> 00:08:37,137
Break into Loinsgate
and steal the release forms.
250
00:08:39,147 --> 00:08:41,628
No, I was gonna say smoke a bowl
and guess the 500 names.
251
00:08:41,629 --> 00:08:42,703
But that's a way better idea!
252
00:08:43,499 --> 00:08:45,498
Uh, if you weren't writing down names,
253
00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:47,479
- what were you writing down?
- Oh.
254
00:08:50,419 --> 00:08:52,338
- Ah.
- Cute, right?
255
00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:53,368
Yeah.
256
00:08:53,369 --> 00:08:55,419
257
00:09:27,429 --> 00:09:29,389
Pac, come on, we're in.
258
00:09:32,349 --> 00:09:33,498
Did you get that cheeseburger
out of this Dumpster?
259
00:09:33,499 --> 00:09:35,388
What? No!
260
00:09:35,389 --> 00:09:37,368
I got it from the Dumpster
near our apartment.
261
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,379
Okay.
262
00:09:44,369 --> 00:09:47,488
263
00:09:47,489 --> 00:09:49,469
This is so awesome. I love being bad!
264
00:09:59,539 --> 00:10:02,308
Hey, here it is! Here it is, here it is!
265
00:10:02,309 --> 00:10:03,428
- You got it?
- I got it!
266
00:10:03,429 --> 00:10:05,389
I couldn't even get the... [chuckles]
267
00:10:06,798 --> 00:10:08,767
Hey, what do you two
think you're doing?
268
00:10:08,792 --> 00:10:10,504
- Huh?
- Huh?
269
00:10:10,529 --> 00:10:12,518
No, nothing. What do
you think we're doing?
270
00:10:12,936 --> 00:10:15,126
You know what the penalty is
for trespassing, huh?
271
00:10:15,152 --> 00:10:17,321
Six months in jail and a $1,000 fine.
272
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,375
One deep-dicking.
273
00:10:19,479 --> 00:10:21,132
[shouts]
274
00:10:21,133 --> 00:10:22,252
- Huh?
- Huh, what?
275
00:10:22,253 --> 00:10:24,399
- This LA-Chicago-style?
- That's right. Come on.
276
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,228
- What?
- Cut!
277
00:10:26,253 --> 00:10:28,252
What's the problem?
Suck his dick already.
278
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,480
You want me to suck his dick
or do you want him to suck mine
279
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,426
- or... who's sucking...
- Whoa, neither.
280
00:10:32,451 --> 00:10:33,710
- What?
- Actually, I don't know.
281
00:10:33,735 --> 00:10:35,530
Wait, what's happening right now?
282
00:10:35,531 --> 00:10:38,510
You're ruining "File Cabinet
Security Dick Suck 3,"
283
00:10:38,511 --> 00:10:40,360
- that's what's happening.
- Oh.
284
00:10:40,361 --> 00:10:42,480
- [door opens]
- What's going on?
285
00:10:42,481 --> 00:10:43,540
When did we get replaced
286
00:10:43,541 --> 00:10:45,380
by these bigger, fatter, gayer bears?
287
00:10:45,381 --> 00:10:47,400
Hold on.
288
00:10:47,401 --> 00:10:49,480
If those gay bears are the actors,
289
00:10:49,481 --> 00:10:51,027
who are these other gay bears?
290
00:10:51,028 --> 00:10:53,284
We're not gay bears!
291
00:10:53,309 --> 00:10:55,017
What, do you think you're twinks?
292
00:10:55,019 --> 00:10:57,079
[men laughing]
293
00:11:01,159 --> 00:11:02,989
No!
294
00:11:05,049 --> 00:11:06,999
Good to see you guys.
295
00:11:09,139 --> 00:11:11,118
Let's take it back
from "one deep-dicking."
296
00:11:11,119 --> 00:11:12,587
All right, I gotta pick up my kids,
297
00:11:12,612 --> 00:11:14,028
so let's wrap this up.
298
00:11:14,029 --> 00:11:16,028
299
00:11:16,029 --> 00:11:17,118
All right.
300
00:11:17,119 --> 00:11:20,048
500 names for 500 faces.
301
00:11:20,049 --> 00:11:21,128
Now let's watch some porn.
302
00:11:21,129 --> 00:11:23,128
Oh, God, this TV is too small!
303
00:11:23,129 --> 00:11:26,058
I can't see any of the guys' faces.
304
00:11:26,059 --> 00:11:29,008
Are you zooming in like it's an iPhone?
305
00:11:29,009 --> 00:11:31,008
What, no. No! [chuckles]
306
00:11:31,009 --> 00:11:32,208
No, there's... there's a little smudge
307
00:11:32,209 --> 00:11:33,988
on the screen right there. See?
308
00:11:33,989 --> 00:11:35,068
There you go.
309
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,998
Let me try.
310
00:11:36,999 --> 00:11:39,018
- Nope, it's broken.
- I don't have any money.
311
00:11:39,019 --> 00:11:41,178
Okay, well, we can't
work like this, man!
312
00:11:41,179 --> 00:11:43,118
Need a bigger TV.
313
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,048
- We do need a bigger TV.
- Yeah.
314
00:11:45,049 --> 00:11:47,338
You know, if we wanna
start making some money,
315
00:11:47,363 --> 00:11:48,549
we're gonna need to spend money.
316
00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:49,603
Right.
317
00:11:49,628 --> 00:11:51,148
'Cause you gotta...
318
00:11:51,467 --> 00:11:54,386
you gotta spend money to make money.
319
00:11:54,411 --> 00:11:55,128
Yeah.
320
00:11:55,129 --> 00:11:57,028
Yeah, you gotta spend money
321
00:11:57,029 --> 00:12:01,118
- to make money!
- To make money!
322
00:12:01,119 --> 00:12:02,208
Shit!
323
00:12:02,209 --> 00:12:04,008
[projector whirring]
324
00:12:04,009 --> 00:12:05,148
Let's talk about payment.
325
00:12:05,149 --> 00:12:07,148
I don't have any money.
326
00:12:07,149 --> 00:12:09,118
Well, I got 500 guys out in the truck
327
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:11,068
who need to get paid.
328
00:12:11,069 --> 00:12:12,979
Get paid?
329
00:12:14,139 --> 00:12:16,158
I'm sure we can work something out.
330
00:12:16,159 --> 00:12:19,098
331
00:12:19,429 --> 00:12:21,448
Oh, yeah. This is so much better.
332
00:12:21,473 --> 00:12:23,098
- That's Cindy, huh?
- Yeah.
333
00:12:23,099 --> 00:12:25,128
She's not even nearly as buff
as I thought she was gonna be.
334
00:12:25,129 --> 00:12:26,998
Nice pecs, though.
335
00:12:26,999 --> 00:12:28,572
So we're gonna need to "demise" a way
336
00:12:28,597 --> 00:12:31,018
to narrow down these gents
and then get their DNA.
337
00:12:31,019 --> 00:12:33,138
What about good old-fashioned
racial profiling?
338
00:12:33,139 --> 00:12:35,088
- Read my mind.
- [Cindy moaning]
339
00:12:35,089 --> 00:12:36,118
What does that mean?
340
00:12:36,119 --> 00:12:38,119
341
00:12:40,153 --> 00:12:42,606
All right, down to 493.
342
00:12:42,797 --> 00:12:45,812
493? Oh, God damn it!
343
00:12:45,837 --> 00:12:47,447
There's too many dicks
and dudes coming at me.
344
00:12:47,472 --> 00:12:50,026
I can't... this is gonna
be effing impossible.
345
00:12:50,027 --> 00:12:52,886
That's a good paint job.
346
00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:55,946
- Let me give you a paint job.
- Oh, yeah.
347
00:12:57,024 --> 00:12:58,776
- [exhales]
- Whoa, whoa, did you see that?
348
00:12:58,777 --> 00:12:59,865
That dude just popped on her face.
349
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,173
That dude popped on her face!
350
00:13:01,174 --> 00:13:03,083
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Clyde, X him out!
351
00:13:03,085 --> 00:13:05,104
- Uh, this guy, right?
- Yeah, the smug-looking fucker.
352
00:13:05,105 --> 00:13:07,154
Oh.
353
00:13:07,155 --> 00:13:10,254
This might just be effing possible.
354
00:13:10,255 --> 00:13:11,235
Tits.
355
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,174
Tits.
356
00:13:15,175 --> 00:13:17,718
Tits. Face. Tits.
357
00:13:17,719 --> 00:13:19,933
- Yep.
- Stomach. Tits.
358
00:13:20,029 --> 00:13:21,997
Face. Ass. Hair.
359
00:13:22,330 --> 00:13:24,319
Ew, camera lens.
360
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,299
- Camera guy.
- Uh...
361
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:28,627
Well, that one got past the goalie.
362
00:13:28,652 --> 00:13:31,309
Circle that guy.
363
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:33,369
Tits, tits, tits.
364
00:13:33,370 --> 00:13:36,259
- Got it.
- I want your big brush!
365
00:13:36,260 --> 00:13:38,210
- Oh, man.
- [Cindy moaning]
366
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,209
Tits.
367
00:13:41,210 --> 00:13:43,309
Another one got in. Circle 17.
368
00:13:43,310 --> 00:13:45,359
Number 436, fire in the hole.
369
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,290
No, never mind. Wrong hole.
370
00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:51,370
All right. Let's go find these guys.
371
00:13:52,851 --> 00:13:54,871
372
00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:02,320
[coughing]
373
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:23,389
Spend money...
374
00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:25,369
To make money!
375
00:14:25,370 --> 00:14:28,409
Yeah!
376
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:31,260
377
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:52,329
30 paternity tests if you please.
378
00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:54,239
Also, careful with some
of those semen jars.
379
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,329
It's hard to get a proper
seal with a hot load.
380
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:59,329
Okay, you're gonna need
to fill out some paperwork.
381
00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:01,270
Uh...
382
00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:05,229
Okay, altogether,
these tests will cost you
383
00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:07,088
roughly $30,000.
384
00:15:14,210 --> 00:15:15,022
What the hell are we gonna do?
385
00:15:15,023 --> 00:15:16,313
We've already spent too much money.
386
00:15:16,314 --> 00:15:17,307
The wedding is tomorrow.
387
00:15:17,308 --> 00:15:19,229
How the hell are we gonna get
30 paternity tests done
388
00:15:19,254 --> 00:15:21,204
quickly and cheaply?
389
00:15:22,294 --> 00:15:24,194
[audience cheering]
390
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,818
Coming up next... a medium
391
00:15:27,819 --> 00:15:30,231
who's been in contact
with a dead porn star
392
00:15:30,256 --> 00:15:32,488
tries to find out who her baby daddy is
393
00:15:32,513 --> 00:15:35,016
and I reveal which one of these men
394
00:15:35,041 --> 00:15:35,878
is the father.
395
00:15:35,879 --> 00:15:37,848
Coming up right after
the commercial break.
396
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:38,899
[crowd cheering]
397
00:15:41,458 --> 00:15:43,437
[applause, cheering]
398
00:15:43,756 --> 00:15:44,798
Welcome back.
399
00:15:44,799 --> 00:15:46,778
Clearly, none of these
men want to man up
400
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,555
and admit that they are the father.
401
00:15:48,587 --> 00:15:50,867
- [audience booing]
- Yeah, right? I know!
402
00:15:50,869 --> 00:15:52,788
Okay, so, Kevin,
403
00:15:52,789 --> 00:15:55,888
are you sure that one of these men
404
00:15:56,047 --> 00:15:57,450
is the father of your baby?
405
00:15:57,475 --> 00:15:59,519
Wesley, I'm 1,000% sure.
406
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,198
But just to be clear... not my baby.
407
00:16:01,199 --> 00:16:03,088
You heard it here first, folks.
408
00:16:03,090 --> 00:16:05,239
The father of this man's baby
409
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,119
is definitely on this stage.
410
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:09,703
Are you ready to hear
the results, Kevin?
411
00:16:09,728 --> 00:16:11,198
Never been more ready in my life.
412
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,149
- Uh, but again...
- Moment of truth!
413
00:16:13,150 --> 00:16:14,189
Not my baby.
414
00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:16,139
Number one...
415
00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:17,269
[clears throat]
416
00:16:17,270 --> 00:16:19,099
You are not the father!
417
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:22,189
-
- [cheering]
418
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,149
Okay, cut the music. Thank you.
[clears throat]
419
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,099
Number two, you are not the father!
420
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:29,159
-
- [cheering]
421
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,099
Okay, let's just quickly go...
422
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:32,249
not the father, not the father,
423
00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:35,289
definitely not the father. No, no, no,
424
00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:38,239
no, no, no, no, no, no.
425
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,219
[chuckles] And last and probably least,
426
00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:44,179
you...
427
00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:46,219
- are not the father!
- [audience booing]
428
00:16:46,220 --> 00:16:49,159
- [men cheering]
- What?
429
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,160
430
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,149
[chanting]
431
00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:57,149
That's just excessive.
432
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,169
- A little excessive.
- I like it.
433
00:16:59,170 --> 00:17:01,169
[chanting] Go, go, go!
434
00:17:01,170 --> 00:17:04,079
- Oh! Okay.
- Whoo!
435
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,199
- All right, all right!
- Yes!
436
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,139
- Yes!
- All right!
437
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:10,139
Well, folks,
438
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:13,179
we may not have had any positive
paternity tests here today,
439
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:15,229
but stay with us. Right after
the commercial break,
440
00:17:15,230 --> 00:17:18,089
I will reveal which of
these four gentlemen
441
00:17:18,090 --> 00:17:20,219
tested positive for HIV!
442
00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:22,279
- Back in a moment!
- [applause]
443
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,219
And we're clear.
444
00:17:24,457 --> 00:17:26,476
- [clears throat]
- Uh, Mr. Chilcott?
445
00:17:26,505 --> 00:17:27,288
- Great show.
- Right?
446
00:17:27,290 --> 00:17:29,189
Uh, what... what happened here?
447
00:17:29,190 --> 00:17:31,169
- What, there was no match?
- Oh, there was a match.
448
00:17:31,170 --> 00:17:33,209
I was just surprised
you didn't bring him with you.
449
00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:35,140
What do you mean? What
are you talking about?
450
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:38,239
451
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,089
There was DNA all over that.
452
00:17:41,090 --> 00:17:43,150
- [sniffs]
- Good luck.
453
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,139
[clears throat]
454
00:17:47,140 --> 00:17:49,149
I knew you two were coming back.
455
00:17:49,150 --> 00:17:50,795
Now, that just proves that you're secure
456
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,199
in your heterosexuality.
457
00:17:52,589 --> 00:17:54,816
Okay, now let's see
a little ass to mouth.
458
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,036
Saul, we told you before, we're
not doing any gay bear porn!
459
00:17:58,037 --> 00:18:00,571
Yeah, no shit. We
wrapped that last week.
460
00:18:00,691 --> 00:18:02,996
- Good!
- We're on to rhino porn now.
461
00:18:02,997 --> 00:18:04,086
- What?
- All you gotta do
462
00:18:04,087 --> 00:18:06,106
is strap a dildo to your head
463
00:18:06,107 --> 00:18:08,096
and peg each other in a mud puddle.
464
00:18:08,097 --> 00:18:10,016
- That's gross, man!
- It's not that bad.
465
00:18:10,017 --> 00:18:11,324
That is bad, Clyde.
466
00:18:11,349 --> 00:18:12,579
Doesn't get much worse than that.
467
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:14,779
Listen, Saul, we're trying to tell you
468
00:18:14,804 --> 00:18:16,833
that you are the father
of Cindy's daughter.
469
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,478
- You're Jane's dad.
- Really?
470
00:18:19,479 --> 00:18:20,588
- Yeah.
- Yes.
471
00:18:20,590 --> 00:18:21,623
Hey, can I have one
of these dick candies?
472
00:18:21,624 --> 00:18:22,409
Yeah, help yourself.
473
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,492
So, basically, we tested this
pen, which had your DNA on it,
474
00:18:25,517 --> 00:18:28,303
- and it was a match.
- Well, that makes sense.
475
00:18:28,637 --> 00:18:30,646
I always give my clients
a warm-up fuck.
476
00:18:30,670 --> 00:18:33,284
Huh. That information
might've been useful
477
00:18:33,309 --> 00:18:35,473
- about a week ago.
- Listen, the warm-up fuck,
478
00:18:35,498 --> 00:18:37,517
it is standard practice in our industry.
479
00:18:37,518 --> 00:18:39,367
[groans]
480
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,457
- I have a daughter?
- Yes, you do,
481
00:18:41,458 --> 00:18:43,377
and she is marrying a very, very nice,
482
00:18:43,378 --> 00:18:45,437
- very quiet guy.
- That little prick
483
00:18:45,438 --> 00:18:46,413
didn't ask for my blessing!
484
00:18:46,414 --> 00:18:48,974
Saul, you're getting caught up
in the wrong details, man!
485
00:18:48,999 --> 00:18:50,340
You have a daughter who is waiting
486
00:18:50,365 --> 00:18:52,129
for you to walk her
down the aisle right now.
487
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:53,249
Wow.
488
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:56,059
Is there anything special
489
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:57,110
I have to wear to this wedding?
490
00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:01,209
As a matter of fact, there is.
491
00:19:01,210 --> 00:19:03,180
492
00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:08,089
- [sighs]
- My God, you look beautiful.
493
00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:10,057
I think you have a future in film.
494
00:19:11,110 --> 00:19:13,199
The astronaut helmet
was a really good idea.
495
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,269
Yeah, I think so.
496
00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:16,089
I still think he should be wearing it,
497
00:19:16,090 --> 00:19:17,189
but...
498
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,069
[sniffles]
499
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,069
My little baby girl looks so happy.
500
00:19:21,070 --> 00:19:22,209
[sniffles]
501
00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:25,039
Thank you so much
for finding her father back.
502
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,219
I...
503
00:19:26,220 --> 00:19:28,089
it couldn't have been easy.
504
00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:31,049
Well, it was my pleasure, honestly.
505
00:19:31,050 --> 00:19:33,706
It just gives me so much joy
helping somebody find their dad.
506
00:19:33,731 --> 00:19:35,128
I mean, I... I never knew my dad,
507
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:36,783
but, you know, who knows?
508
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:37,952
- Maybe one day I'll...
- Listen, my light's here,
509
00:19:37,953 --> 00:19:39,832
so I'm just gonna... [sniffles]
510
00:19:39,833 --> 00:19:42,183
Oh, right. Yeah. Of course.
511
00:19:44,943 --> 00:19:47,782
Oh, my God.
512
00:19:47,783 --> 00:19:49,872
Oh, my God, it's so beautiful.
513
00:19:49,873 --> 00:19:50,962
Oh!
514
00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:53,792
Oh, it's finally happening!
515
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:56,832
[moaning]
516
00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:58,842
Oh!
517
00:19:58,843 --> 00:20:00,833
I'm coming!
518
00:20:03,813 --> 00:20:04,982
Oh, yes.
519
00:20:04,983 --> 00:20:07,664
- [glass shatters]
- [electricity buzzes]
520
00:20:07,772 --> 00:20:09,652
[screams]
521
00:20:12,763 --> 00:20:13,822
522
00:20:13,823 --> 00:20:16,852
Welcome back to the Daytona 500 Open.
523
00:20:16,853 --> 00:20:18,802
Check this out.
524
00:20:19,088 --> 00:20:20,773
A thousand clams. Making it rain.
525
00:20:20,798 --> 00:20:22,707
Shit.
526
00:20:22,708 --> 00:20:24,666
How do the hip-hoppers
make it look so easy?
527
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:26,181
They take the elastic off first.
528
00:20:26,182 --> 00:20:28,251
Listen, we made a lot of
money on this last job,
529
00:20:28,252 --> 00:20:30,171
but with all our expenses,
530
00:20:30,172 --> 00:20:31,371
we didn't net quite as
much as we had hoped.
531
00:20:31,372 --> 00:20:33,702
Okay, well, how much did we make?
532
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:39,221
- Negative 40 grand.
- What?! Holy shit! How?!
533
00:20:39,222 --> 00:20:41,833
I mean, I guess we didn't need
to fly to China first class.
534
00:20:41,858 --> 00:20:43,393
And travel like garbage people?
535
00:20:43,394 --> 00:20:45,343
Absolutely not. Look,
536
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:47,373
we both understand that you need
to spend money to make money.
537
00:20:47,374 --> 00:20:49,233
- We're gonna be fine.
- Yeah, I'm starting to think
538
00:20:49,234 --> 00:20:50,363
that might be a flawed theory.
539
00:20:50,364 --> 00:20:52,784
No. No, it is not. Just
look at this TV, okay?
540
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:53,966
- See that guy?
- Yeah.
541
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:56,645
That's Danny Poker, all right?
He spent $10,000
542
00:20:56,670 --> 00:20:58,589
to enter this tourney just for a chance
543
00:20:58,590 --> 00:20:59,669
to win a million bucks.
544
00:20:59,670 --> 00:21:01,679
That guy spends money to make money
545
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,579
- and he always wins.
- Huh.
546
00:21:03,580 --> 00:21:05,519
- All right...
- That's pretty cool, I guess.
547
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,639
- He's about to make a move.
- Wow!
548
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,539
Danny Poker is being taken all-in.
549
00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:12,669
Will he call or will he fold?
550
00:21:12,670 --> 00:21:14,679
Oh, there it is, folks...
551
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,838
Danny's patented death stare
552
00:21:16,839 --> 00:21:18,889
where he reads his
opponent like a book.
553
00:21:29,969 --> 00:21:31,948
Call.
554
00:21:31,949 --> 00:21:33,978
Holy shit.
555
00:21:33,979 --> 00:21:36,888
- Intense, right?
- [laughs] Oh, my God!
556
00:21:36,889 --> 00:21:39,129
- He did it! He won!
- [crowd applauds]
557
00:21:39,154 --> 00:21:40,878
Danny Poker did it again!
558
00:21:40,879 --> 00:21:44,566
Can you believe that he
called with a 7-2 off-suit?
559
00:21:45,002 --> 00:21:47,362
It's like he knew his opponent's cards.
560
00:21:47,396 --> 00:21:49,455
Little, tiny paper dicks in your mouth.
561
00:21:49,456 --> 00:21:51,637
How's it feel? How's it feel?
How's it feel?
562
00:21:51,662 --> 00:21:53,661
Now that's how you make it rain.
563
00:21:53,662 --> 00:21:55,692
564
00:21:57,642 --> 00:22:00,562
565
00:22:00,586 --> 00:22:05,586
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
566
00:22:05,636 --> 00:22:10,186
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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