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1
00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:03,868
I don't know about you guys,
2
00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:05,604
but I can't just get
right back in the car
3
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:06,939
after a "Law & Order" Fest.
4
00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:09,207
Too much adrenaline. Let's download.
5
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:10,409
Best and worst.
6
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:12,544
Best... meeting Bobby the Body,
7
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,413
the guy who played 19
different murder victims.
8
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,015
Worst... finding out one of them
9
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,152
was the cocktail waitress
I so publicly gushed over.
10
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,286
[Dramatic tone plays]
11
00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,754
Wrong! Trick question.
12
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,290
"Law & Order" Fest has no worst thing.
13
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,091
It's all best. Hayley, best?
14
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,493
I met Ice-T.
15
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:29,962
Ooh! Great best. And best?
16
00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:32,564
Well, Ice-T and I bonded
while waiting in line
17
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,699
for a Pulled Pork from
the Headlines sandwich.
18
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,768
[Dramatic tone plays]
19
00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,569
Wrong! That's still just meeting Ice-T.
20
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:40,038
- That's one thing.
- Well, we really connected.
21
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,707
I told him about my
passion for women's rights,
22
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,110
and he confided in me that
he's really good at sex.
23
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:47,312
You wasted your fest.
Check out what I got.
24
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:50,783
A poster of every actor who
played a judge on the show,
25
00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:51,984
signed by the three of them
26
00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:53,786
who now work at the convention center.
27
00:00:53,788 --> 00:00:55,520
That's just one thing, too.
28
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:57,589
Of the 87 things I did.
29
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,858
88 if you count stealing the clarinet
30
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,461
played in the opening credits,
which I do.
31
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,796
[Clarinet note plays]
32
00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:07,532
I heard it! Play it again, you coward!
33
00:01:08,643 --> 00:01:10,535
I'm not a coward, Francine.
34
00:01:10,537 --> 00:01:13,472
Then let's blow it together, outlaw.
35
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,442
[Both moaning]
36
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,949
Every year.
37
00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:27,686
??
38
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,088
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
39
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,026
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
40
00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:37,029
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
41
00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:41,766
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
42
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,568
??
43
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:46,905
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
44
00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:49,441
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
45
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,576
Aah!
46
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:55,047
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
47
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:57,249
??
48
00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:00,118
Isn't it funny how some
days there's no mail,
49
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,587
and other days, there's a whole bunch?
50
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:08,126
[Laughing uncontrollably]
51
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,662
Stan, are you being
mean to me right now?
52
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,731
I don't know, Francine,
that's not for me to judge.
53
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,066
The Census form!
54
00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:16,268
? It's here, it's here,
I've waited 10 years ?
55
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,936
? The Census is finally here ?
56
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,004
? Throw up a window
and let out a cheer ?
57
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:21,874
? And now my family sings ?
58
00:02:22,677 --> 00:02:25,610
Really? You guys aren't
gonna sing the Census song?
59
00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,145
Aren't you excited about the Census?
60
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:31,083
I think Steve has forgotten what the
"Stensus" even is.
61
00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:32,484
Oh, boy.
62
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,486
Well, do you want to explain it to him,
or should I?
63
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:38,022
You better do it, Stan.
I'm too upset with this one.
64
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:40,693
Every 10 years,
America takes off its shirt
65
00:02:40,695 --> 00:02:44,563
and flexes its muscles to show
the world how swole it is.
66
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:47,165
Stan, Hayley seems a bit confused.
67
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,234
Let's step that out a bit for her.
68
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:52,437
The Census is about counting
how many people live in America.
69
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,372
The number of people, Hayley.
70
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,641
The United States has
the biggest population
71
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:58,243
of any country in the Western world.
72
00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:01,113
The Western world, Hayley. Look it up.
73
00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:04,583
And every 10 years,
we find out how big we are.
74
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,318
Then we rub it in everyone's face.
75
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,587
Stan, you seem really passionate.
76
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,388
You're reading me correctly, Francine.
77
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:13,191
So you probably already realize
I'm gonna be an enumerator.
78
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,594
Oh, those are the people
that go door to door
79
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,729
and do the counting, right?
80
00:03:16,731 --> 00:03:20,064
People? No! They're heroes, patriots.
81
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:22,134
Enumerators are the best of the best,
82
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,603
the only ones who truly earn the right
83
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,204
to call themselves "top gun."
84
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,673
Okay, but to be clear,
this is a job, right?
85
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:29,942
Because I could use a job.
86
00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:33,878
Yeah, it's a job for motivated
individuals like myself.
87
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,148
Not for lazy Hayleys like you.
88
00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:38,350
You spent six hours at a
"Law & Order" Fest
89
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,685
and only counted one person... Ice-T.
90
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,154
I wasn't trying to count people.
91
00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:44,289
[Mockingly]
"I wasn't trying to count people."
92
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:46,358
Do you think that's
something an enumerator
93
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,892
has ever said in their life? No!
94
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,227
Narrator: All right, Dadders,
95
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,563
we learned a lot of stuff in this scene.
96
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,632
I hope you were taking detailed notes
97
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,167
'cause this is a pop quiz!
98
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:58,303
Who is excited about counting people?
99
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:00,104
Is it "A," Stan,
100
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:01,306
"B," the mom,
101
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:02,975
"C," little glasses guy,
102
00:04:02,977 --> 00:04:06,512
or "D,"
the lady Stan's been arguing with?
103
00:04:08,466 --> 00:04:11,334
What? What?
104
00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:14,737
It's just I never noticed it
before, Steve,
105
00:04:14,739 --> 00:04:18,074
but you have incredible bone structure.
106
00:04:18,076 --> 00:04:19,876
Klaus!
107
00:04:19,878 --> 00:04:22,212
You're making me turn shy.
108
00:04:22,214 --> 00:04:25,215
I'm just trying to pass
through the living room.
109
00:04:25,217 --> 00:04:27,884
Sorry, but I've been looking
at everything differently
110
00:04:27,886 --> 00:04:30,620
since my uncle died and left
me his Hasselblad camera.
111
00:04:30,622 --> 00:04:34,957
Would you be interested
in modeling for me?
112
00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:37,828
Modeling for you? I don't know.
113
00:04:37,830 --> 00:04:39,696
It was my only uncle, Steve.
114
00:04:39,698 --> 00:04:43,165
And the odds of my grandparents
crapping out a new uncle
115
00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:44,701
are pretty low at this point.
116
00:04:44,703 --> 00:04:47,904
Do you think I could just
take a few shots of you
117
00:04:47,906 --> 00:04:49,239
with his camera?
118
00:04:49,241 --> 00:04:50,640
I guess.
119
00:04:50,642 --> 00:04:53,175
Great! Snot and the boys are also in.
120
00:04:53,177 --> 00:04:55,177
You spoke to my friends without me?
121
00:04:55,179 --> 00:04:56,779
Yeah, at Toshi's birthday party.
122
00:04:56,781 --> 00:04:57,914
Not the one you went to.
123
00:04:57,916 --> 00:05:00,116
The more exclusive one at Benihana.
124
00:05:00,118 --> 00:05:03,320
Our parents dropped us off,
and we paid the check ourselves.
125
00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:10,192
Wow, we even completed a
Census right after World War I.
126
00:05:10,194 --> 00:05:11,527
Gosh, when the war ends,
127
00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:13,596
you think you're done being a hero.
128
00:05:13,598 --> 00:05:15,798
Francine would probably
want to know this.
129
00:05:16,765 --> 00:05:17,863
Don't touch me.
130
00:05:17,898 --> 00:05:19,602
But it's about the Census, Francine!
131
00:05:19,604 --> 00:05:22,472
Everything's about your stupid Census!
132
00:05:22,474 --> 00:05:26,409
Stan, your enumerator training
starts tomorrow.
133
00:05:26,411 --> 00:05:29,079
Put down your pamphlet and go to sleep.
134
00:05:29,081 --> 00:05:31,348
You're right, you're right.
135
00:05:40,092 --> 00:05:41,424
You know what?
136
00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:43,693
I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick.
137
00:05:43,695 --> 00:05:48,298
Famous Census alumni.
Whoa, Sidney Poitier?
138
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:50,500
Guess who's counting two dinners?
139
00:05:50,502 --> 00:05:52,969
Francine, did you hear that one?
140
00:05:52,971 --> 00:05:55,772
Roger: I heard, Stan!
The attic loved it!
141
00:05:59,377 --> 00:06:01,511
Through this door,
142
00:06:01,513 --> 00:06:04,781
giants, square jaws, stiff collars,
143
00:06:04,783 --> 00:06:07,117
brave hearts pumping thick red blood
144
00:06:07,119 --> 00:06:08,785
through strong American veins.
145
00:06:08,787 --> 00:06:11,922
God, I'm getting a boner.
They'll understand, though.
146
00:06:11,924 --> 00:06:14,124
They'll see it as a sign of respect.
147
00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:15,792
Whoo!
148
00:06:15,794 --> 00:06:17,594
Enumerators!
149
00:06:17,596 --> 00:06:18,861
Mount up!
150
00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:20,797
What is this? What am I looking at here?
151
00:06:20,799 --> 00:06:22,865
Stan, you're here for the Census?
152
00:06:24,185 --> 00:06:25,401
Yeah, did it switch rooms?
153
00:06:25,403 --> 00:06:27,403
No, you're in the right place.
154
00:06:27,405 --> 00:06:30,873
Hey, get this. I'm the foreman!
155
00:06:30,875 --> 00:06:34,811
That means I'm in charge. Me! Tuttle!
156
00:06:34,813 --> 00:06:38,615
But Census enumerators are...
are hard-charging broncos.
157
00:06:38,617 --> 00:06:41,684
All these people, they're losers.
158
00:06:41,686 --> 00:06:44,420
That woman's wearing a
sweatshirt with a wolf on it.
159
00:06:44,422 --> 00:06:45,956
How's she gonna count America?
160
00:06:45,958 --> 00:06:48,825
Do I see a bald man with a ponytail?
161
00:06:48,827 --> 00:06:50,160
I don't get it either.
162
00:06:50,162 --> 00:06:51,894
This is a disaster!
163
00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:54,430
This guy? Look at her.
164
00:06:54,432 --> 00:06:56,166
Him? And I hate to do this,
165
00:06:56,168 --> 00:06:58,034
but I got to double back to my boy!
166
00:06:58,036 --> 00:07:01,037
Guess I'm just gonna have
to count everyone myself.
167
00:07:01,039 --> 00:07:02,905
Hayley:
Just the ones I don't get to, chump.
168
00:07:02,907 --> 00:07:06,309
That's right.
Lazy Hayley joined the Census,
169
00:07:06,311 --> 00:07:08,711
and now she's gonna crank some numbers.
170
00:07:08,713 --> 00:07:11,514
Yeah, right.
You're gonna... crank numbers?
171
00:07:11,516 --> 00:07:13,249
That sounds really cool.
172
00:07:13,251 --> 00:07:15,518
I wish... I wish I said that.
173
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:16,987
I did say it.
174
00:07:16,989 --> 00:07:18,254
Wow.
175
00:07:18,256 --> 00:07:20,390
I'm the one who's gonna crank numbers.
176
00:07:20,392 --> 00:07:22,792
You're not gonna crank shit, old man.
177
00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:24,126
Old man?
178
00:07:24,128 --> 00:07:25,395
Oh, ho, ho.
179
00:07:25,397 --> 00:07:27,397
I'm gonna crank all sorts of numbers.
180
00:07:27,399 --> 00:07:29,465
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna crank
your whole world.
181
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:31,467
I'm gonna crank it up,
I'm gonna crank it down.
182
00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:32,869
I'm gonna crank it all around.
183
00:07:32,871 --> 00:07:34,404
I'm gonna roast you
for Cranksgiving dinner
184
00:07:34,406 --> 00:07:36,138
and then roll right into
Christmas with the Cranks!
185
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:38,208
Not gonna matter
'cause I'm the New York Crankees.
186
00:07:38,210 --> 00:07:39,342
I'm Crank Aaron.
187
00:07:39,344 --> 00:07:40,343
I'm Crank Azaria.
188
00:07:40,345 --> 00:07:41,411
I'm Cranklin and Bash.
189
00:07:41,413 --> 00:07:42,879
"Franklin & Bash" was canceled.
190
00:07:42,881 --> 00:07:43,680
That's disappointing.
191
00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:44,881
I know, I really liked it.
192
00:07:47,377 --> 00:07:49,176
- You shouldn't be here.
- You're just scared
193
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,245
because I'm gonna count so
many more people than you.
194
00:07:51,247 --> 00:07:53,514
Please. You couldn't even count as many
195
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:55,849
as this lobotomized half-wit Jim here.
196
00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,386
Jim, can you believe what
I have to deal with here?
197
00:07:58,388 --> 00:07:59,853
Jim, I've been calling you "Jim."
198
00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:01,122
Is that... Is that your name, Jim?
199
00:08:01,124 --> 00:08:02,790
Now listen up.
200
00:08:02,792 --> 00:08:05,659
During a Census,
things can get pretty hot and heavy
201
00:08:05,661 --> 00:08:07,061
out on the streets.
202
00:08:07,063 --> 00:08:09,863
Beautiful Americans will be
throwing themselves at you.
203
00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,065
Now, I'm not saying
don't get your rocks off,
204
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,068
but here's a little piece of advice
205
00:08:14,070 --> 00:08:16,137
I wish someone had given me, Tuttle,
206
00:08:16,139 --> 00:08:19,273
before I juiced an entire city block.
207
00:08:19,275 --> 00:08:23,076
Do not fall in love.
208
00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:25,813
[Door creaks]
209
00:08:25,815 --> 00:08:27,615
[Sighs] Great.
210
00:08:27,617 --> 00:08:29,617
Look what you dragged in
with you, Hayley.
211
00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:30,684
Hello.
212
00:08:30,686 --> 00:08:32,553
My doctor recommended I volunteer
213
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:35,423
to get over my crippling social anxiety.
214
00:08:35,425 --> 00:08:36,958
How's my eye contact?
215
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,526
Stan: Sit down!
216
00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:44,298
So, what are... what are you,
like a "Rain Man" shy guy?
217
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:45,633
Some kind of "Lovely Bones"?
218
00:08:45,635 --> 00:08:46,968
Or are you just giving Jim here
219
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:48,970
a run for his money for
troglodyte of the year?
220
00:08:48,972 --> 00:08:51,439
[Chuckles] You better go
tell the other bog people
221
00:08:51,441 --> 00:08:53,907
there's a new king of the creeps
in town, huh?
222
00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:56,043
Jimbo! [Laughs]
223
00:08:56,045 --> 00:08:58,446
[Pop music plays]
224
00:08:58,448 --> 00:08:59,981
Remember, gentlemen.
225
00:08:59,983 --> 00:09:02,916
These pictures are to honor my
late uncle's incredible life.
226
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:04,918
Klaus, why are we dressed like flowers?
227
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,388
Because you're in a flower pot, baby.
228
00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:09,791
Doesn't some lady already
take photos like this,
229
00:09:09,793 --> 00:09:10,724
but with babies?
230
00:09:10,726 --> 00:09:12,726
Are you referring to Anne Geddes?
231
00:09:12,728 --> 00:09:14,996
Never heard of her,
and models don't talk!
232
00:09:14,998 --> 00:09:16,464
[Snaps fingers]
233
00:09:16,466 --> 00:09:18,732
About that, when you said models,
234
00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:20,534
we thought you meant something cool
235
00:09:20,536 --> 00:09:22,536
like Abercrombie or Stussy.
236
00:09:22,538 --> 00:09:24,205
Or model airplanes.
237
00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:25,339
[Gasps]
238
00:09:25,341 --> 00:09:26,874
Do you see this, Jurgen?
239
00:09:26,876 --> 00:09:28,342
Yeah.
240
00:09:28,344 --> 00:09:31,145
Uh, you know what?
Everyone get out. Take five.
241
00:09:31,147 --> 00:09:32,680
Finally. Thank you.
242
00:09:32,682 --> 00:09:34,215
- Except Barry.
- Wait, what?
243
00:09:34,217 --> 00:09:36,618
All non-essentials please clear frame.
244
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:41,889
Now, Barry,
do you know what "Barry" is short for?
245
00:09:41,891 --> 00:09:44,038
Barracuda, baby!
246
00:09:44,073 --> 00:09:46,560
Now bite me like the scary fish you are!
247
00:09:46,562 --> 00:09:47,729
[Camera shutter clicking]
248
00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:48,963
_
249
00:09:48,964 --> 00:09:51,499
Okay, we're gonna run a
little training exercise
250
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:53,434
to learn how to fill out forms.
251
00:09:53,913 --> 00:09:57,371
Hayley, why don't you knock
on this citizen's door?
252
00:09:57,373 --> 00:09:58,840
Knock, knock.
253
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,510
There's someone at your door,
Mr. Taffarelli.
254
00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:04,245
But I don't know who it is.
255
00:10:04,247 --> 00:10:06,380
Maybe look who it is.
256
00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:08,582
It's a girl.
257
00:10:08,584 --> 00:10:11,219
I'm gonna slide some taffy
through the doggy door.
258
00:10:13,256 --> 00:10:14,489
Enough!
259
00:10:15,725 --> 00:10:16,924
[Grunts] One!
260
00:10:16,926 --> 00:10:19,327
That's how you count people.
Training's over.
261
00:10:19,329 --> 00:10:21,262
[Robot voice] Initiate
people-counting robot.
262
00:10:21,264 --> 00:10:22,730
No count Jim.
263
00:10:22,732 --> 00:10:25,199
Jim equals subhuman garbage.
264
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:28,469
Lighten up, Jim. Just a robot joke.
265
00:10:28,471 --> 00:10:30,872
[Normal voice] You should be dead, Jim.
266
00:10:30,874 --> 00:10:32,073
[Doorbell rings]
267
00:10:32,075 --> 00:10:33,274
[Pen clicks]
268
00:10:33,276 --> 00:10:34,475
How many people live here?
269
00:10:34,477 --> 00:10:36,277
- Me and my mom.
- So two.
270
00:10:36,279 --> 00:10:37,411
- My dad...
- Three.
271
00:10:37,413 --> 00:10:38,479
- ...died.
- Two.
272
00:10:38,481 --> 00:10:40,281
You wasted my time a little bit.
273
00:10:40,283 --> 00:10:41,815
Hi, I'm with the U.S. Census.
274
00:10:41,817 --> 00:10:43,484
I just need a brief moment of your time.
275
00:10:43,486 --> 00:10:46,019
Of course. Come on in.
276
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,089
I was just about to make some tea.
277
00:10:48,091 --> 00:10:49,156
I really can't.
278
00:10:49,158 --> 00:10:50,758
I have a lot of houses to get to.
279
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,395
I have some ancient
Clamatos I've been saving.
280
00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:59,366
My name... is Wilbur.
281
00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:01,703
Kentucky.
282
00:11:01,705 --> 00:11:03,437
Roger?
283
00:11:03,439 --> 00:11:05,439
[Gulping]
284
00:11:05,441 --> 00:11:09,110
Wow. You're really
packing away this Clamato.
285
00:11:09,112 --> 00:11:10,844
Oh, yeah. So, it's just you
286
00:11:10,846 --> 00:11:13,180
living in this beautiful old house?
287
00:11:13,182 --> 00:11:15,769
Yep. Lived here 40 years.
288
00:11:15,804 --> 00:11:18,119
Seen a lot of people come and go.
289
00:11:18,121 --> 00:11:19,921
You know, I could use some help.
290
00:11:19,923 --> 00:11:22,656
I knocked on the house two doors down,
but no one answered.
291
00:11:22,658 --> 00:11:24,858
Oh, that's Shelly Vernicheck.
292
00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:26,327
Sad, really.
293
00:11:26,329 --> 00:11:28,930
Husband up and left her years ago.
294
00:11:28,932 --> 00:11:33,667
Now she sits at home playing
solitaire on her iPad.
295
00:11:33,669 --> 00:11:35,937
She's internationally ranked
296
00:11:35,939 --> 00:11:40,207
as one of the loneliest
women in the world.
297
00:11:40,209 --> 00:11:41,709
Biscotti?
298
00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:45,279
Oh, hey, Hayley.
299
00:11:45,281 --> 00:11:48,149
Quick update.
I'm just leaving my 15th house.
300
00:11:48,151 --> 00:11:49,751
Probably a record... Googled it.
301
00:11:49,753 --> 00:11:51,819
But seems like people might
not be keeping records,
302
00:11:51,821 --> 00:11:54,555
but safe to say my pace is historic.
303
00:11:54,557 --> 00:11:57,291
Wow, that's a lot.
304
00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:59,026
I spent all morning at one house.
305
00:11:59,028 --> 00:12:00,561
Ha! No surprise.
306
00:12:00,563 --> 00:12:04,365
My slug of a daughter slowly
sliming her way around town.
307
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:06,033
- Where...
- Don't touch salt.
308
00:12:06,035 --> 00:12:08,636
...I met a nice woman named Phyllis
309
00:12:08,638 --> 00:12:11,205
who gave me 20 other houses.
310
00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:16,577
Whoa! That house looks cool.
311
00:12:16,579 --> 00:12:18,912
Cool because I haven't counted it yet.
312
00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:22,716
[Laughs] I'ma count a bunch
of mother[bleep] in here.
313
00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:24,918
[Doorbell rings]
314
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,253
[Door creaks]
315
00:12:26,255 --> 00:12:29,523
Stan Smith, Census enumerator.
Prepare to be counted.
316
00:12:29,525 --> 00:12:31,225
[Grunts]
317
00:12:40,764 --> 00:12:41,830
Hey, Mr. Tuttle.
318
00:12:41,832 --> 00:12:43,165
Here are my forms from yesterday.
319
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,900
I got 25 houses.
320
00:12:44,902 --> 00:12:47,035
25? Wow!
321
00:12:47,037 --> 00:12:48,704
That's the best anybody did.
322
00:12:48,706 --> 00:12:50,196
So I beat my dad?
323
00:12:50,231 --> 00:12:52,308
Yeah. By 25, to be exact.
324
00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:53,909
[Laughs] I'm being playful.
325
00:12:53,911 --> 00:12:56,244
He didn't turn anything in.
Never even came back.
326
00:12:56,246 --> 00:12:58,780
And he wasn't at home. Weird.
327
00:12:58,782 --> 00:13:01,650
What's weird is that I've
been rocking in the corner
328
00:13:01,652 --> 00:13:03,785
for six hours and no
one's said a word to me.
329
00:13:03,787 --> 00:13:05,721
Well, when we try to talk to you,
330
00:13:05,723 --> 00:13:08,790
you just start screaming and
punching yourself in the...
331
00:13:08,792 --> 00:13:11,861
[Screaming]
332
00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:15,597
[Groans] Where am I?
333
00:13:15,599 --> 00:13:17,199
In the pit!
334
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:18,934
Are we prisoners here?
335
00:13:18,936 --> 00:13:19,935
Yep!
336
00:13:19,937 --> 00:13:24,140
[Dramatic tones play]
337
00:13:24,142 --> 00:13:26,842
My name's Kevin!
Let me give you the tour.
338
00:13:27,878 --> 00:13:30,612
Okay, did you look everywhere I looked?
339
00:13:30,614 --> 00:13:32,614
Then you must've seen
this handsome gent.
340
00:13:32,616 --> 00:13:36,084
That's Robbie,
and you just missed Rich and Carl.
341
00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:38,354
Robbie's grumpy 'cause we have to poop
342
00:13:38,356 --> 00:13:40,222
in that smaller pit over there,
343
00:13:40,224 --> 00:13:44,360
but I stay positive,
probably 'cause this isn't my first pit.
344
00:13:44,362 --> 00:13:46,762
I was imprisoned in Madison,
Indiana, once.
345
00:13:46,764 --> 00:13:49,497
Beautiful Craftsman, huge porch.
346
00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:51,433
Of course I wasn't
allowed up on the porch,
347
00:13:51,435 --> 00:13:53,369
but I saw it when I was
carried out in a blanket.
348
00:13:53,371 --> 00:13:54,770
Who did this to you?
349
00:13:54,772 --> 00:13:56,536
That would be the master.
350
00:13:56,571 --> 00:13:57,505
Who's the master?
351
00:13:57,507 --> 00:14:00,842
The master's the psycho who
just skinned Rich and Carl.
352
00:14:00,844 --> 00:14:01,643
Skinned?
353
00:14:01,645 --> 00:14:03,601
Same way we're gonna be.
354
00:14:03,636 --> 00:14:07,190
Robbie, don't you realize when
you're at the bottom of a pit,
355
00:14:07,225 --> 00:14:09,651
there's nowhere to go...
except for the punishment shed...
356
00:14:09,653 --> 00:14:10,919
but up?
357
00:14:10,921 --> 00:14:12,187
[Pop music plays]
358
00:14:12,189 --> 00:14:13,922
Klaus: Yes, yes, Barry!
359
00:14:13,924 --> 00:14:15,791
You're a delicious cabbage.
360
00:14:15,793 --> 00:14:16,925
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
361
00:14:16,927 --> 00:14:19,327
I want to ferment you and make kimchi!
362
00:14:20,130 --> 00:14:22,865
Not to sound catty,
but don't you hate the way Barry looks?
363
00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:25,201
Yeah, he's our ugliest friend, easy.
364
00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:27,335
I want to shred you up real good
365
00:14:27,337 --> 00:14:29,605
and spread you over some fish tacos.
366
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,208
Is there anything you can't be?
367
00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:34,209
I don't know. A carrot?
368
00:14:34,211 --> 00:14:36,879
Are you kidding me?
You would be the best carrot.
369
00:14:36,881 --> 00:14:39,281
Steve, get out of that carrot costume!
370
00:14:39,283 --> 00:14:41,083
Kiss-ass bitch.
371
00:14:41,085 --> 00:14:42,684
Surprised Barry can even talk
372
00:14:42,686 --> 00:14:45,754
with Klaus' [bleep] in his mouth.
373
00:14:45,756 --> 00:14:48,624
I'm so sorry to bother you,
but I'm looking for my dad.
374
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:51,226
He was out late last
night working in the area,
375
00:14:51,228 --> 00:14:52,360
and he never came home.
376
00:14:52,362 --> 00:14:53,495
Never seen him before.
377
00:14:53,497 --> 00:14:55,564
Hmm. Maybe your wife has?
378
00:14:55,566 --> 00:14:58,500
Maybe my husband has.
379
00:14:58,502 --> 00:15:00,702
Of course. Could I speak with him?
380
00:15:00,704 --> 00:15:04,306
I wish! He just up and left me
a month ago, not even a note.
381
00:15:04,308 --> 00:15:07,910
God, did you have to bring him up?!
382
00:15:07,912 --> 00:15:10,512
Husband just up and left.
383
00:15:10,514 --> 00:15:12,380
Like Shelly Vernicheck!
384
00:15:12,382 --> 00:15:14,316
Oh, glad you're excited.
385
00:15:14,318 --> 00:15:17,453
Well, every day is agony for me!
386
00:15:17,455 --> 00:15:19,121
I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean...
387
00:15:19,123 --> 00:15:21,990
Oh, don't you dare pity me.
388
00:15:21,992 --> 00:15:25,727
I'll show you! I'll find another man!
389
00:15:25,729 --> 00:15:29,064
I haven't even begun looking in earnest,
but guess what...
390
00:15:29,066 --> 00:15:31,467
Now it begins!
391
00:15:31,469 --> 00:15:34,402
I am going to have sex tonight
392
00:15:34,404 --> 00:15:38,474
on the outdoor dance
floor at the Blue Rooster!
393
00:15:38,476 --> 00:15:41,143
Next to the smoking area.
394
00:15:41,145 --> 00:15:42,878
[Laughs maniacally]
395
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,147
I'm back, baby!
396
00:15:45,149 --> 00:15:48,484
??
397
00:15:48,486 --> 00:15:51,820
??
398
00:15:51,822 --> 00:15:54,490
It's not just Shelly Vernicheck.
399
00:15:54,492 --> 00:15:56,825
Lots of the women, and men,
400
00:15:56,827 --> 00:15:59,094
I talked to have had
their husbands go missing.
401
00:15:59,096 --> 00:16:01,096
- [Dramatic tone plays]
- _
402
00:16:01,098 --> 00:16:04,366
I did think it was
strange when Jasper left.
403
00:16:04,368 --> 00:16:05,901
We were best friends.
404
00:16:05,903 --> 00:16:07,970
I thought he would've
at least left a note.
405
00:16:07,972 --> 00:16:09,171
Ma'am, ma'am?
406
00:16:09,173 --> 00:16:11,640
You know,
you should talk to Darlene McKinnon.
407
00:16:11,642 --> 00:16:13,442
Same thing happened to her.
408
00:16:14,444 --> 00:16:16,845
Man, first Jasper, now this.
409
00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:19,315
The hits just keep on coming.
410
00:16:19,317 --> 00:16:21,449
- [Dramatic tone plays]
- _
411
00:16:21,451 --> 00:16:24,252
Yeah, that S.O.B. up and left me,
so what?
412
00:16:24,254 --> 00:16:26,788
Just gives me more time to golf anyway.
413
00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:30,058
I'm a lady golfer.
That is what I enjoy doing.
414
00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:33,595
By the way, same thing happened
to my buddy Joanne Graves.
415
00:16:33,597 --> 00:16:35,597
She lives at 20 Poplar Avenue.
416
00:16:35,599 --> 00:16:39,535
Usually gets home around, uh, 2:46 p.m.
417
00:16:39,537 --> 00:16:41,804
- [Dramatic tone plays]
- _
418
00:16:42,873 --> 00:16:44,272
[Brakes squeal]
419
00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:45,807
- Excuse me.
- Aah!
420
00:16:45,809 --> 00:16:46,942
Did your husband leave you?
421
00:16:46,944 --> 00:16:48,877
Yes, why? Do you know something?
422
00:16:48,879 --> 00:16:50,546
Have you heard from him?!
423
00:16:50,548 --> 00:16:53,482
Sorry, I can't talk.
I have to go put a pin in a map.
424
00:16:55,353 --> 00:16:59,821
There's a pattern here. But what?
425
00:16:59,823 --> 00:17:01,557
Must be a pretty special house
426
00:17:01,559 --> 00:17:04,159
to have all those arrows pointing at it.
427
00:17:04,161 --> 00:17:05,894
[Gasps]
428
00:17:05,896 --> 00:17:08,430
You know,
your father shaves his pubic hair
429
00:17:08,432 --> 00:17:09,831
in the shape of an arrow.
430
00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:11,833
Oh, I did it again.
431
00:17:11,835 --> 00:17:14,970
I said something helpful,
and I went past it.
432
00:17:14,972 --> 00:17:16,638
[Knock on door]
433
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,506
What can you tell me about that house?
434
00:17:18,508 --> 00:17:19,575
Which house?
435
00:17:19,577 --> 00:17:21,177
That weird house on the hill.
436
00:17:21,179 --> 00:17:23,311
My dad is missing,
and I think it has something to do
437
00:17:23,313 --> 00:17:25,781
with that house, but I knocked
on the door and no one answered,
438
00:17:25,783 --> 00:17:28,116
and you know everything about
the neighborhood and I just...
439
00:17:28,118 --> 00:17:31,053
Honey, take a breath. Come inside, dear.
440
00:17:31,055 --> 00:17:35,491
I'll fix you a Clamato,
and we'll figure this out together.
441
00:17:39,863 --> 00:17:42,865
Phyllis, didn't you say you
were the only one living here?
442
00:17:42,867 --> 00:17:44,066
That's right.
443
00:17:44,068 --> 00:17:48,136
Then why do you have two
hats on your coat rack?
444
00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:51,607
And blueprints for a man skin-suit?
445
00:17:51,609 --> 00:17:54,142
??
446
00:17:54,144 --> 00:17:55,077
[Thunk, thud]
447
00:17:55,079 --> 00:17:58,213
I can't have two hats?
448
00:17:58,215 --> 00:18:01,417
[Pop music plays]
449
00:18:01,419 --> 00:18:05,687
I feel like I've seen something
like this done before.
450
00:18:05,689 --> 00:18:07,089
No, no, it's all original.
451
00:18:07,091 --> 00:18:09,691
These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry.
452
00:18:09,693 --> 00:18:11,093
Can you lean in a little?
453
00:18:11,095 --> 00:18:13,695
I want to match the
image I have in my mind.
454
00:18:13,697 --> 00:18:16,065
What a shutter slut.
455
00:18:16,536 --> 00:18:19,666
_
456
00:18:19,703 --> 00:18:20,836
You're right, Tosh.
457
00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:22,904
Barry is a fat, talentless whore.
458
00:18:22,906 --> 00:18:25,573
But don't worry, he's about to get his.
459
00:18:25,575 --> 00:18:27,643
Let's just say I made a couple calls.
460
00:18:27,645 --> 00:18:28,944
[Pounding on door]
461
00:18:30,981 --> 00:18:34,382
Oh, no, it's Anne Geddes!
Jurgen, protect me!
462
00:18:34,384 --> 00:18:35,651
[Sniffs]
463
00:18:35,653 --> 00:18:39,587
[Deep voice] I smell
copyright infringement.
464
00:18:39,589 --> 00:18:41,723
Anne, Anne, please!
465
00:18:41,725 --> 00:18:44,392
We'll give you a 10% licensing fee!
466
00:18:44,394 --> 00:18:46,028
Not enough!
467
00:18:49,066 --> 00:18:52,935
[Screaming]
468
00:18:52,937 --> 00:18:56,604
Don't hurt me, Anne Geddes!
I'm just a baby!
469
00:18:56,606 --> 00:18:58,593
You forgot one thing.
470
00:18:58,609 --> 00:19:01,644
I hate babies!
471
00:19:03,413 --> 00:19:04,412
[All gasp]
472
00:19:04,414 --> 00:19:06,348
[Barry screaming]
473
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:07,816
[Anne grunting]
474
00:19:07,818 --> 00:19:09,351
[Crashing]
475
00:19:09,353 --> 00:19:12,888
Phyllis: ? You say Clamato,
I say Clam-ah-to ?
476
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,790
? Clamato, Clam-ah-to ?
477
00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,959
? Clamato, Clam-ah-to ?
478
00:19:16,961 --> 00:19:20,062
? Let's take the whole skin off ?
479
00:19:21,299 --> 00:19:22,498
Where am I?
480
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,166
Hayley, you're awake.
481
00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,568
I'm sorry I was so rough on you.
482
00:19:26,570 --> 00:19:29,305
Well, I may have gotten
a little competitive
483
00:19:29,307 --> 00:19:32,708
and tried to ruin your
strange love of the Census.
484
00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:35,377
It's not strange,
and Francine loves it more than I do.
485
00:19:35,379 --> 00:19:37,846
Between you and me,
I think she takes it a little too far.
486
00:19:37,848 --> 00:19:39,781
Well, we're together now.
487
00:19:39,783 --> 00:19:42,450
Yeah, dying in a pit with
a really annoying guy.
488
00:19:42,452 --> 00:19:43,585
Named Kevin.
489
00:19:43,587 --> 00:19:45,587
[Footsteps approaching]
490
00:19:45,589 --> 00:19:47,122
Oh, no, she's back.
491
00:19:47,124 --> 00:19:49,325
She's gonna turn my
nipples into buttons.
492
00:19:49,327 --> 00:19:51,994
All that time we spent counting people
493
00:19:51,996 --> 00:19:55,531
we should've spent with
the people that count.
494
00:19:56,812 --> 00:19:58,400
Ice-T: Damn, that's poetic.
495
00:19:58,402 --> 00:19:59,535
What up, Hayley?
496
00:19:59,537 --> 00:20:00,802
- Ice-T?!
- Ice-T?!
497
00:20:00,804 --> 00:20:02,671
I got worried when you didn't respond
498
00:20:02,673 --> 00:20:05,273
to an interesting text
I sent you about sharks.
499
00:20:05,275 --> 00:20:07,809
Used my TV detective skills to find you,
500
00:20:07,811 --> 00:20:09,345
and it's a good thing, too.
501
00:20:10,154 --> 00:20:13,081
Sick old lady was gonna
turn you into a skin suit.
502
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:15,684
Was working on a whole
skin suit wardrobe.
503
00:20:15,686 --> 00:20:17,619
Skin blouse, skin slacks,
504
00:20:17,621 --> 00:20:20,488
and a pair of skin sunglasses
she couldn't even see out of.
505
00:20:20,490 --> 00:20:21,890
Fly as hell, though.
506
00:20:21,892 --> 00:20:23,759
Tried them on after I
kicked her to death.
507
00:20:23,761 --> 00:20:26,362
Dad, I know we're not competing anymore,
508
00:20:26,364 --> 00:20:27,629
but... my friend!
509
00:20:27,631 --> 00:20:29,297
I saved us!
510
00:20:29,299 --> 00:20:32,300
Stan, there's also
the matter of the clarinet.
511
00:20:32,302 --> 00:20:33,835
The clarinet, of course!
512
00:20:33,837 --> 00:20:35,037
So you're mainly here for me!
513
00:20:35,039 --> 00:20:37,039
- I'm the hero!
- Kevin: Good job, Stan!
514
00:20:37,041 --> 00:20:39,908
Thanks, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin, have you met Ice-T?
515
00:20:39,910 --> 00:20:41,977
Oh, my God, Ice-T!
516
00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:46,248
I just got to say "Cop Killer"
is my absolutely favorite song.
517
00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,384
It got me through boarding school.
518
00:20:49,151 --> 00:20:51,453
Boarding school is corny.
519
00:20:51,455 --> 00:20:53,122
Bye-bye! See you soon.
520
00:20:53,166 --> 00:20:53,423
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
521
00:20:53,473 --> 00:20:58,023
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37660
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