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1
00:00:02,525 --> 00:00:04,225
Come on. Come on.
2
00:00:04,260 --> 00:00:06,527
- [Ding]
- Oh, my God!
3
00:00:06,562 --> 00:00:07,861
[Buzzer]
4
00:00:07,897 --> 00:00:11,365
[Trombone plays "wah wah wah wah" tune]
5
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,967
Ugh, it's negative again.
6
00:00:13,002 --> 00:00:15,436
Where did you get a pregnancy
test with sound effects?
7
00:00:15,471 --> 00:00:18,839
At Spencer's Gifts. It's also
where I get my condoms.
8
00:00:18,874 --> 00:00:21,040
What, wait, you're...
you're wearing condoms
9
00:00:21,041 --> 00:00:22,506
while we're trying to get pregnant?
10
00:00:22,542 --> 00:00:25,443
They're joke condoms.
They have a big hole in the end.
11
00:00:25,478 --> 00:00:27,712
I just wear them for the feel...
12
00:00:27,747 --> 00:00:29,180
and the chuckles.
13
00:00:29,215 --> 00:00:32,583
You doof. I can't wait to
have your big, doofy baby.
14
00:00:32,619 --> 00:00:34,986
[Laughs] I wanna have a
babe with you, too, babe.
15
00:00:35,021 --> 00:00:36,354
[Pounding on door]
16
00:00:36,389 --> 00:00:38,089
Hey! Are you done in there?
17
00:00:38,124 --> 00:00:39,557
Get out, get out, get out!
18
00:00:39,592 --> 00:00:42,427
I went to Taco King!
I can't do this in my bowl!
19
00:00:44,764 --> 00:00:47,565
Good morning, U.S.A.
20
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,436
I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day
21
00:00:51,471 --> 00:00:54,505
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
22
00:00:54,541 --> 00:00:59,077
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
23
00:01:00,914 --> 00:01:03,981
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
24
00:01:04,017 --> 00:01:06,452
-
Good...
- Good morning, U.S.A.
25
00:01:06,519 --> 00:01:12,457
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
26
00:01:14,694 --> 00:01:18,529
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
We know how much you want this.
27
00:01:18,565 --> 00:01:20,525
I don't know what's wrong.
I've been eating right,
28
00:01:20,549 --> 00:01:22,567
exercising, taking all the vitamins.
29
00:01:22,602 --> 00:01:24,635
And I bought a butterfly net
to catch the baby
30
00:01:24,671 --> 00:01:26,237
when he comes shooting out.
31
00:01:26,272 --> 00:01:28,472
We've been trying all kinds
of different positions, too.
32
00:01:28,496 --> 00:01:30,608
The spider pretzel, the butter churner,
33
00:01:30,643 --> 00:01:31,976
the standing wheelbarrow.
34
00:01:32,011 --> 00:01:34,212
And my favorite,
the breakfast for dinner.
35
00:01:34,247 --> 00:01:35,747
That's where I fry him an egg,
36
00:01:35,782 --> 00:01:38,382
and then we do it quite
traditionally, from behind.
37
00:01:38,418 --> 00:01:39,978
Well, you must be doing
something wrong.
38
00:01:40,002 --> 00:01:42,220
I got Francine pregnant
on the first try.
39
00:01:42,255 --> 00:01:43,921
Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp!
40
00:01:43,957 --> 00:01:45,423
What's going on?
I'm bored. I got nothin'.
41
00:01:45,458 --> 00:01:47,378
By the looks of your faces,
you got nothin', too.
42
00:01:47,414 --> 00:01:49,174
God, it's so boring
in this house. I'm bored.
43
00:01:49,198 --> 00:01:50,194
What's going on?
44
00:01:50,230 --> 00:01:52,830
Haley and Jeff are having
trouble getting pregnant.
45
00:01:52,866 --> 00:01:55,266
Oh, good. This isn't boring.
I could drop a bomb on this.
46
00:01:55,301 --> 00:01:57,235
See, Hayley's never
going to get pregnant
47
00:01:57,270 --> 00:01:59,637
because Jeff's an alien. Boom!
48
00:01:59,672 --> 00:02:00,938
Wait, what?!
49
00:02:00,974 --> 00:02:02,707
Ever since Jeff got back from space,
50
00:02:02,742 --> 00:02:04,108
he's had an alien body.
51
00:02:04,144 --> 00:02:06,410
Only human part left is his brain.
52
00:02:06,446 --> 00:02:10,214
Ohh, that explains why my pee
is slightly brighter than usual.
53
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:12,216
And why I haven't slept in a year
54
00:02:12,252 --> 00:02:13,818
or even felt the need to.
55
00:02:13,853 --> 00:02:17,955
Yeah, that explains everything.
Did I leave anything out, Stan?
56
00:02:17,991 --> 00:02:19,991
- You knew?!
- Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone,
57
00:02:20,026 --> 00:02:21,793
because I'm an amazing secret keeper.
58
00:02:21,828 --> 00:02:24,295
- Well, why didn't you tell me?
- That is also a secret.
59
00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:26,464
I know we weren't gonna
say anything, Stan,
60
00:02:26,499 --> 00:02:27,532
but I got bored.
61
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,433
Remember at Disney
World how I got bored,
62
00:02:29,469 --> 00:02:31,102
so I tried to drown that fat lady
63
00:02:31,137 --> 00:02:32,737
on Pirates of the Caribbean?
64
00:02:32,772 --> 00:02:35,840
You guys went to Disney
World without me?
65
00:02:35,875 --> 00:02:37,108
My boy Reggie is Pluto!
66
00:02:37,143 --> 00:02:39,243
He could've got you
pineapple Dole Whips
67
00:02:39,279 --> 00:02:40,811
half-price, fool!
68
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:44,814
My other boy Dante's got
a sick condo in Daytona Beach.
69
00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:47,016
It's only a 90-minute
drive from Disney World.
70
00:02:47,052 --> 00:02:49,755
And I got a hookup for
Lightning tickets.
71
00:02:49,756 --> 00:02:52,889
Warm weather hockey...
you don't get that up here.
72
00:02:52,925 --> 00:02:54,691
Shut up, Klaus!
73
00:02:54,726 --> 00:02:56,660
I also have a boy in Jacksonville.
74
00:02:56,695 --> 00:02:59,396
I can't believe this.
I'm married to an alien.
75
00:02:59,431 --> 00:03:01,710
I-I've been having sex with an alien.
76
00:03:01,711 --> 00:03:03,466
I don't see what the
big deal is, Hayley.
77
00:03:03,502 --> 00:03:04,935
Lots of people sleep with aliens...
78
00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:07,370
Lois Lane, Marvin the Martian's wife,
79
00:03:07,406 --> 00:03:10,273
every cable guy who's
ever come to this house.
80
00:03:10,309 --> 00:03:12,642
But I don't feel like an alien.
I feel like me.
81
00:03:12,678 --> 00:03:15,378
That's because you still have
your stupid human brain.
82
00:03:15,414 --> 00:03:17,514
Hey, I love your stupid human brain,
83
00:03:17,549 --> 00:03:20,317
and I don't even care
that you're an alien.
84
00:03:20,352 --> 00:03:21,518
Liberal.
85
00:03:21,553 --> 00:03:24,487
But... [Sighs] I do wish
we could have a baby.
86
00:03:24,523 --> 00:03:27,223
Well, you could have a baby
if Jeff became human again,
87
00:03:27,259 --> 00:03:28,892
but that's impossible.
88
00:03:28,927 --> 00:03:30,427
Unless...
89
00:03:30,462 --> 00:03:33,396
you gave his brain to a birthing
alien on its heat cycle
90
00:03:33,432 --> 00:03:35,532
so Jeff could be reborn as a human.
91
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:38,401
But you'd need to find
a birthing alien here on Earth
92
00:03:38,437 --> 00:03:40,503
other than me,
because I'm not doing it.
93
00:03:40,539 --> 00:03:42,405
Whew! Is it hot in here? I can't tell.
94
00:03:42,441 --> 00:03:44,407
I'm on my heat cycle.
Anyway, impossible.
95
00:03:44,443 --> 00:03:46,977
Such a bummer. Gotta go. Bored again.
96
00:03:47,012 --> 00:03:49,212
My boy in Jacksonville's name is Leroy.
97
00:03:49,247 --> 00:03:51,014
He's a barback at Buffalo Wild Wings,
98
00:03:51,049 --> 00:03:52,682
and he says if we go down there,
99
00:03:52,718 --> 00:03:57,587
we might be able to
party with the waitstaff.
100
00:03:59,558 --> 00:04:03,093
And then Marybeth Stephanie
called me a "Hufflepuff"!
101
00:04:03,128 --> 00:04:04,527
Can you believe that?!
102
00:04:04,563 --> 00:04:06,630
I've been called some
terrible things before,
103
00:04:06,665 --> 00:04:08,198
but never a Hufflepuff.
104
00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:10,734
That's stupid!
You're totally a Ravenclaw.
105
00:04:10,769 --> 00:04:14,137
I know! But even though
I was real peeved,
106
00:04:14,172 --> 00:04:18,808
I just said "thank you" because
I didn't want to offend her.
107
00:04:18,844 --> 00:04:21,277
- You're a bit of a Hufflepuff.
- Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff.
108
00:04:21,313 --> 00:04:23,046
Are you Snot? Are you poor?
109
00:04:23,081 --> 00:04:24,447
Uh... Because we're...
110
00:04:24,483 --> 00:04:26,549
[Singsongy] Trish! And the Sizzle.
111
00:04:26,585 --> 00:04:29,386
And you're on "Morning Mimosa's"...
112
00:04:29,421 --> 00:04:31,454
Both: "Three Happy Days"!
113
00:04:31,490 --> 00:04:32,856
114
00:04:32,891 --> 00:04:34,924
Whoa, awesome!
115
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,493
What? What's happening?
116
00:04:36,528 --> 00:04:39,262
What's happening is you just
hit the jackpot, buddy.
117
00:04:39,297 --> 00:04:40,764
Every year on "Morning Mimosa,"
118
00:04:40,799 --> 00:04:44,267
they surprise a poor kid
with three happy days!
119
00:04:44,302 --> 00:04:46,202
You're poor, aren't you, Snots?
120
00:04:46,238 --> 00:04:47,937
Look at you! Of course you are.
121
00:04:47,973 --> 00:04:50,907
Come with us! Your first
happy day starts now!
122
00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:52,976
Trish and Sues: [Chanting]
Three happy days!
123
00:04:53,011 --> 00:04:54,811
Three happy days!
124
00:04:54,846 --> 00:04:57,514
Being poor is so weird.
125
00:04:57,549 --> 00:04:58,815
Like, when I think of tuna,
126
00:04:58,850 --> 00:05:00,650
I think of tuna from
a fancy sushi place,
127
00:05:00,686 --> 00:05:03,553
and you think of tuna
from a shitty can,
128
00:05:03,588 --> 00:05:06,056
- like a cat.
- [Smack, thud]
129
00:05:06,091 --> 00:05:07,390
[Engine revs]
130
00:05:07,426 --> 00:05:10,260
Poor people are a lot like cats.
131
00:05:12,497 --> 00:05:15,498
Please, Roger, I really
wanna be human again.
132
00:05:15,534 --> 00:05:17,600
And if that doesn't happen,
we'll never have a baby.
133
00:05:17,636 --> 00:05:19,669
What if someone told you
that you couldn't have
134
00:05:19,705 --> 00:05:21,204
what you wanted most in life?
135
00:05:21,239 --> 00:05:22,472
Jake Gyllenhaal?
136
00:05:22,507 --> 00:05:24,974
If somebody told me I
couldn't have him,
137
00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:26,976
I-I don't even know what I...
138
00:05:27,012 --> 00:05:28,511
Ah! That'd be awful!
139
00:05:28,547 --> 00:05:30,280
I'll be there for you the whole time,
140
00:05:30,315 --> 00:05:32,615
- every step of the way.
- Well, I have always wanted
141
00:05:32,651 --> 00:05:35,051
them fat swangin' pregnancy tits.
142
00:05:35,087 --> 00:05:37,454
You would look great with those!
143
00:05:37,489 --> 00:05:40,056
I'll do it. I'll carry your Jeff baby.
144
00:05:40,092 --> 00:05:42,859
- Muchas gracias!
- Oh, Thank you!
145
00:05:42,894 --> 00:05:45,829
Now how do we go about
getting Jeff's brain?
146
00:05:45,864 --> 00:05:47,397
Aah!
147
00:05:47,432 --> 00:05:50,333
- [Gulping]
- [Screaming]
148
00:05:50,368 --> 00:05:53,803
[Gulping continues]
149
00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:55,505
[Sucks]
150
00:05:58,343 --> 00:06:01,711
And now there's a 10%
chance that I'm pregnant.
151
00:06:01,747 --> 00:06:03,546
Women: [Chanting] Three happy days!
152
00:06:03,582 --> 00:06:05,548
- Three happy days!
- [Applause]
153
00:06:05,584 --> 00:06:07,450
That's right. Every year,
the Sizzle and I
154
00:06:07,486 --> 00:06:11,121
help one poor kid
with the saddest story.
155
00:06:11,156 --> 00:06:12,622
This year, we were faced
156
00:06:12,657 --> 00:06:15,492
with the biggest challenge
we've ever had.
157
00:06:15,527 --> 00:06:18,294
Meet Snot Lonstein... poor, yet Jewish.
158
00:06:18,330 --> 00:06:20,530
So for Snots' first happy day,
159
00:06:20,565 --> 00:06:23,166
we gave him a much-needed makeover.
160
00:06:23,201 --> 00:06:26,336
Meet the brand-new Snots!
161
00:06:26,371 --> 00:06:28,905
162
00:06:28,940 --> 00:06:31,975
[Women screaming]
163
00:06:33,345 --> 00:06:36,279
Fabulous! Now let's
bring out the person
164
00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:38,748
responsible for you being here today.
165
00:06:38,784 --> 00:06:42,685
Snot, meet your knight in
shining armor, Steve Smith!
166
00:06:42,721 --> 00:06:44,053
167
00:06:44,089 --> 00:06:45,622
You nominated me?
168
00:06:45,657 --> 00:06:48,158
Yeah, I did. I felt bad for you.
169
00:06:48,193 --> 00:06:50,593
You think it doesn't break my
heart when we go to the movies
170
00:06:50,629 --> 00:06:53,563
and you bring that old
jawbreaker in that sticky bag?
171
00:06:53,598 --> 00:06:57,300
Snot, don't you wanna thank
Steve for nominating you?
172
00:06:57,335 --> 00:06:58,768
Let's see you...
173
00:06:58,804 --> 00:07:03,139
All: [Chanting]
Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet!
174
00:07:03,175 --> 00:07:06,309
175
00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:09,579
[Cheers and applause]
176
00:07:12,317 --> 00:07:13,850
Where'd you find this doctor, anyway?
177
00:07:13,885 --> 00:07:15,652
We can't go to a regular doctor,
178
00:07:15,687 --> 00:07:17,353
so Klaus recommended this guy.
179
00:07:17,389 --> 00:07:19,689
Hello! I'm Dr. Kalgary.
180
00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:23,193
I see you are lesbians.
Congratulations.
181
00:07:23,228 --> 00:07:24,594
Yep.
182
00:07:24,629 --> 00:07:26,349
I believe you are
hoping for some good news.
183
00:07:26,373 --> 00:07:28,639
Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc.
184
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,467
Wait. I hear a heartbeat.
185
00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:33,236
That is very uncommon in my office.
186
00:07:33,271 --> 00:07:35,205
- I'm pregnant?
- Oh, thank God!
187
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,006
Let's take a closer look.
188
00:07:37,042 --> 00:07:38,441
[Both gasp]
189
00:07:38,476 --> 00:07:40,476
Thank you, Billy.
190
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:45,181
And you are having...
191
00:07:45,217 --> 00:07:48,885
- an adult man.
- [Heart beating]
192
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,587
Oh, my God! It's Jeff!
193
00:07:50,622 --> 00:07:52,956
I'm printing you a copy.
194
00:07:52,991 --> 00:07:54,757
Billy!
195
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:03,833
Aah!
196
00:08:03,869 --> 00:08:04,901
It's okay. I got it.
197
00:08:04,936 --> 00:08:08,004
No, no. Let him get it himself.
198
00:08:12,644 --> 00:08:16,012
I'm getting stronger.
199
00:08:18,293 --> 00:08:21,094
[Groans] Everything hurts.
200
00:08:21,129 --> 00:08:22,695
And the cravings...
201
00:08:22,731 --> 00:08:25,098
I want a cigarette
and five shots of Patr?n.
202
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:27,600
Roger, you can't smoke
or drink during your pregnancy.
203
00:08:27,636 --> 00:08:30,437
[Groans] Okay, but can't I just cook
204
00:08:30,472 --> 00:08:31,971
the tiniest bit of meth?
205
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:33,306
It won't hurt nobody.
206
00:08:33,341 --> 00:08:34,741
Here, have some pickles instead.
207
00:08:34,776 --> 00:08:38,178
Oh, God, the smell! [Gags]
Get that away from me!
208
00:08:38,213 --> 00:08:40,914
- But these are your favorite.
- [Gags]
209
00:08:40,949 --> 00:08:43,416
- [Gasps]
- [Retches]
210
00:08:43,452 --> 00:08:44,951
I think I missed a spot.
211
00:08:44,986 --> 00:08:47,320
[Retches]
212
00:08:47,355 --> 00:08:48,688
Ugh. This is disgusting.
213
00:08:48,723 --> 00:08:51,224
I'm disgusting, and I hate this thing!
214
00:08:51,259 --> 00:08:53,793
You! You did this to me!
215
00:08:53,829 --> 00:08:56,830
[Sobbing]
216
00:08:56,865 --> 00:08:58,798
I think if I had
just a tiny bit of meth,
217
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:01,334
- it'd settle my stomach.
- No, Roger.
218
00:09:01,369 --> 00:09:04,170
[Baby voice] Just a widdle cwystal?
219
00:09:04,206 --> 00:09:06,439
[Lowered voice] With the help
of his best friend, Steve,
220
00:09:06,475 --> 00:09:11,244
we're about to surprise Snots
with his second happy day.
221
00:09:11,279 --> 00:09:12,812
Let's go!
222
00:09:12,848 --> 00:09:15,248
Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?! Am I on...
223
00:09:15,283 --> 00:09:17,350
Shut up! You're not part of this!
224
00:09:17,385 --> 00:09:19,619
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- Huh?
225
00:09:19,654 --> 00:09:22,088
We're sending you and
your best friend Steve
226
00:09:22,124 --> 00:09:23,389
to the water park!
227
00:09:23,425 --> 00:09:24,891
What do ya say, Snots?!
228
00:09:24,926 --> 00:09:28,928
I'll go, but not with Steve.
I'll just take my mom.
229
00:09:28,964 --> 00:09:33,500
Oh, my God! Snots is so poor,
he has to date his mom!
230
00:09:33,535 --> 00:09:34,868
Why aren't you taking me?
231
00:09:34,903 --> 00:09:36,703
I'm the reason you get
to go to the water park
232
00:09:36,727 --> 00:09:39,139
- in the first place.
- I don't wanna be pitied.
233
00:09:39,174 --> 00:09:42,442
I thought you would know that.
It's so humiliating.
234
00:09:42,477 --> 00:09:43,977
How is this humiliating?
235
00:09:44,012 --> 00:09:45,912
Oh, my God!
236
00:09:45,947 --> 00:09:50,483
Is his pillow just a t-shirt
stuffed with newspapers?
237
00:09:50,519 --> 00:09:52,785
[Whispers loudly]
Dennis, get a shot of that.
238
00:09:57,425 --> 00:09:59,459
Roger, I got everything
you asked for...
239
00:09:59,494 --> 00:10:01,694
a turkey sandwich,
that pillow you like,
240
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:03,530
and binoculars so you
can watch the gardener
241
00:10:03,565 --> 00:10:05,031
work across the street.
242
00:10:05,066 --> 00:10:07,300
Hmm. Ahh. Ahh.
243
00:10:07,335 --> 00:10:08,968
That feels nice.
244
00:10:09,004 --> 00:10:12,438
And this here tastes amaze.
245
00:10:12,474 --> 00:10:15,074
Ooh, I'd let that guy
spread his seed on me.
246
00:10:15,110 --> 00:10:18,545
If he pulled my weed, I'd show
him some "miracle grow."
247
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:22,182
Is that a Venus flytrap? Because
my next pun depends on it.
248
00:10:22,217 --> 00:10:25,251
It's anus guy flap.
249
00:10:25,287 --> 00:10:29,389
So if you're good, I'm gonna
go see a movie with Klaus.
250
00:10:29,424 --> 00:10:31,891
Oh. Is Klaus carrying your baby?
251
00:10:31,927 --> 00:10:33,159
Well, no.
252
00:10:33,195 --> 00:10:35,195
Oh, so the movie's carrying your baby.
253
00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:36,629
You're welcome to come with us.
254
00:10:36,665 --> 00:10:39,299
Klaus didn't invite me.
Klaus thinks you hate him.
255
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,301
I do hate him. I'd kill him if I could!
256
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,236
Roger, you're... you're very emotional
257
00:10:43,271 --> 00:10:44,537
because you're pregnant.
258
00:10:44,573 --> 00:10:46,739
You said you'd be there
every step of the way!
259
00:10:46,775 --> 00:10:49,976
God, I'm so upset, I can't
even finish this sandwich!
260
00:10:50,011 --> 00:10:52,278
[Crunching]
261
00:10:52,314 --> 00:10:54,347
You're starving me and the baby!
262
00:10:54,382 --> 00:10:56,683
I'm sorry! I'll do whatever you want!
263
00:10:56,718 --> 00:10:59,686
I want you to want to be here,
264
00:10:59,721 --> 00:11:01,955
and I want you to make me
exactly the same sandwich
265
00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:05,525
you did before because you
straight up killed it.
266
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,628
[Sighs] Is it just me,
or has Roger gone crazy?
267
00:11:08,663 --> 00:11:11,698
Hayley, how how many times
have you been pregnant? None.
268
00:11:11,733 --> 00:11:15,001
How many times have
I been pregnant? Four.
269
00:11:17,172 --> 00:11:20,373
Point is, I know what
Roger's going through.
270
00:11:20,408 --> 00:11:22,976
All he wants is to feel appreciated.
271
00:11:23,011 --> 00:11:24,510
I'm trying the best I can.
272
00:11:24,546 --> 00:11:28,781
Try harder. He's carrying
your husband, after all.
273
00:11:28,817 --> 00:11:30,350
Roger: Damn it, Hayley! I'm starving!
274
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:31,785
Are you gonna make me suck the milk
275
00:11:31,809 --> 00:11:33,953
out of my own damn boobs?!
276
00:11:33,989 --> 00:11:37,390
Huh. [Slurping]
277
00:11:37,425 --> 00:11:39,993
Bring me some Oreos!
[Slurping continues]
278
00:11:40,028 --> 00:11:41,394
Morning, Mimosa-nators.
279
00:11:41,429 --> 00:11:45,498
We're about to surprise Snots
with his third happy day.
280
00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:47,433
Blow the door!
281
00:11:47,469 --> 00:11:49,369
- [Explosion]
- You're back!
282
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,371
- Uhh!
- [Electricity crackles]
283
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:53,106
Wake up, wake up, wake up
284
00:11:53,141 --> 00:11:57,210
It's time for your third hap...
Where the hell is he?
285
00:11:57,245 --> 00:11:59,112
I'm sorry, Snot. I screwed up,
286
00:11:59,147 --> 00:12:01,214
but I'm gonna get you
out of this, I promise.
287
00:12:01,249 --> 00:12:02,915
[Alarm beeping]
288
00:12:02,951 --> 00:12:05,218
He's here! Aah!
289
00:12:05,253 --> 00:12:07,487
- [Gun clicking]
- Run!
290
00:12:07,522 --> 00:12:08,788
[Clicking]
291
00:12:08,823 --> 00:12:10,957
Sues, we're not trying to kill him.
292
00:12:10,992 --> 00:12:13,059
We're just trying to give
him his third happy day.
293
00:12:13,094 --> 00:12:14,761
Sorry. [Breathing heavily]
294
00:12:14,796 --> 00:12:16,529
I was just flashing
back to Desert Storm.
295
00:12:16,564 --> 00:12:19,032
Okay, but you weren't in Desert Storm.
296
00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:21,501
You saw part of "Three Kings" on HBO.
297
00:12:21,536 --> 00:12:25,471
[Whispers] The part I
saw was so powerful.
298
00:12:27,709 --> 00:12:29,709
[Groans] It's not time for my nap yet.
299
00:12:29,744 --> 00:12:31,544
Why are you bringing me upstairs?
300
00:12:31,579 --> 00:12:35,048
On "Goop," Gwyneth Paltrow
says I should avoid stairs.
301
00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:36,883
"Goop" says I shouldn't exert myself.
302
00:12:36,918 --> 00:12:39,385
"Goop" says my ankles are weak.
303
00:12:39,421 --> 00:12:41,101
We should buy an elevator
like "Goop" says.
304
00:12:41,125 --> 00:12:42,789
Both: Surprise!
305
00:12:42,824 --> 00:12:45,858
Oh, my God! A surprise baby shower?!
306
00:12:45,894 --> 00:12:47,493
You've been through a lot, Roger,
307
00:12:47,529 --> 00:12:49,228
and I wanted to do
something nice for you.
308
00:12:49,264 --> 00:12:53,232
Well, as tough as it's been,
I must say I've been a rock.
309
00:12:53,268 --> 00:12:55,401
Ooh! Presents!
310
00:12:56,438 --> 00:13:00,139
Happy baby shower, Roger!
311
00:13:00,175 --> 00:13:01,674
A Phish CD?
312
00:13:01,710 --> 00:13:04,844
It's Jeff's favorite band!
That's so sweet, Mom.
313
00:13:04,879 --> 00:13:06,379
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
314
00:13:06,414 --> 00:13:08,454
The baby is not gonna listen
to this stoner garbage.
315
00:13:08,478 --> 00:13:11,818
He's above that. For him,
it's only classical masters,
316
00:13:11,853 --> 00:13:13,720
like the "Indiana Jones" soundtrack.
317
00:13:13,755 --> 00:13:15,595
[Imitates "Indiana Jones"
theme, whip snapping]
318
00:13:15,619 --> 00:13:20,121
Whatever. Dad, why don't you
give Roger your present?
319
00:13:22,597 --> 00:13:24,664
It's Jeff's hat.
I got it out of the closet.
320
00:13:24,699 --> 00:13:26,065
I forgot we were doing this.
321
00:13:26,101 --> 00:13:28,134
Yuck! The baby won't be wearing hats,
322
00:13:28,169 --> 00:13:30,436
not when he has access to my wigs.
323
00:13:30,472 --> 00:13:32,271
Roger, that's Jeff's favorite hat.
324
00:13:32,307 --> 00:13:33,606
He wears it all the time.
325
00:13:33,641 --> 00:13:34,696
Not anymore, he won't.
326
00:13:34,697 --> 00:13:36,937
Are there more presents?
Tell me there are more presents.
327
00:13:36,973 --> 00:13:39,254
Well, I didn't know if it was
going to be a boy or a girl,
328
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:41,047
so I got you this.
329
00:13:41,082 --> 00:13:44,083
Oh, yes! A sparkly sequined onesie!
330
00:13:44,119 --> 00:13:45,985
This is perfect for the baby!
331
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,054
It's all I've ever wanted for him,
332
00:13:48,089 --> 00:13:50,656
to be sawed in half at a magic show.
333
00:13:50,692 --> 00:13:52,158
Thank you, Klaus.
334
00:13:52,193 --> 00:13:54,394
You're the only one who
knows what my baby wants.
335
00:13:54,429 --> 00:13:56,028
Get over yourself, Roger!
336
00:13:56,064 --> 00:13:59,165
It's not your baby! It's my Jeff!
337
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,733
Oh, it's your Jeff, is it?
338
00:14:00,769 --> 00:14:03,803
Well, what your Jeff
needs is his mother... me.
339
00:14:03,838 --> 00:14:05,838
You know what he doesn't need? You!
340
00:14:05,874 --> 00:14:08,541
And come to think of it,
I don't need you either.
341
00:14:08,576 --> 00:14:11,344
- Where the hell are you going?
- I'm outta here, bitch.
342
00:14:11,379 --> 00:14:13,546
I'm raising this baby on my own.
343
00:14:13,581 --> 00:14:16,616
And you know what?
His name's not Jeff anymore.
344
00:14:16,651 --> 00:14:18,985
It's Tristan!
345
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,853
I figured it out!
346
00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:22,688
This diaper has Snickers in it.
347
00:14:22,724 --> 00:14:24,223
Dad, we weren't playing that game.
348
00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:26,192
Where'd you find that?
349
00:14:28,423 --> 00:14:31,040
Guys, Roger's out there,
God knows where,
350
00:14:31,041 --> 00:14:33,140
walking around with Jeff inside him.
351
00:14:33,175 --> 00:14:35,209
[Scoffs] Or should I say Tristan?
352
00:14:35,244 --> 00:14:38,378
Hayley, relax. Tristan's a great name.
353
00:14:38,414 --> 00:14:40,771
We should've named Steve Tristan.
354
00:14:40,772 --> 00:14:43,006
Pregnant mothers just get emotional.
355
00:14:43,041 --> 00:14:45,508
And they stay emotional! Up top.
356
00:14:45,542 --> 00:14:48,010
Don't look at me, Stan. I love women.
357
00:14:48,045 --> 00:14:50,012
I respect them too much.
358
00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:51,313
[Scoffs] Please.
359
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:53,548
Is it too late to side with you, Stan?
360
00:14:53,584 --> 00:14:54,916
Let's go find Roger.
361
00:14:54,952 --> 00:14:56,952
Who knows what he could
be doing right now?
362
00:14:56,987 --> 00:15:00,222
[Tune of "Papa Don't Preach" playing]
363
00:15:00,257 --> 00:15:05,060
Hayley, I know
you're gonna be upset
364
00:15:05,095 --> 00:15:09,297
'Cause you need me
to birth human Jeff
365
00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:12,034
But you should know by now
366
00:15:12,069 --> 00:15:15,971
That I'm a bit crazy
367
00:15:17,007 --> 00:15:20,876
You helped to show me what I want
368
00:15:20,911 --> 00:15:25,380
My goal in life is to be a mom
369
00:15:25,416 --> 00:15:27,949
We're in this, him and me
370
00:15:27,985 --> 00:15:31,853
And I don't need Hayley
371
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,789
Hayley, don't preach
372
00:15:33,824 --> 00:15:35,791
I'm in trouble deep
373
00:15:35,826 --> 00:15:37,759
Hayley, don't preach
374
00:15:37,795 --> 00:15:40,262
I need booze to sleep
375
00:15:40,297 --> 00:15:42,597
And I made up my mind
376
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:46,902
I'm keeping my baby
377
00:15:46,937 --> 00:15:49,438
I'm gonna keep my Tristan
378
00:15:49,473 --> 00:15:52,074
Mmm, mmm
379
00:15:52,109 --> 00:15:53,742
[Song ends]
380
00:15:53,777 --> 00:15:57,179
Excuse me, ma'am. Will you be
making a purchase with us today?
381
00:15:57,214 --> 00:16:00,882
[Laughs] No, no, I will not.
382
00:16:02,519 --> 00:16:06,722
[Engine revving]
383
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,290
[Tires screech]
384
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,560
- [Brakes squeal]
- Go around, Mike!
385
00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:13,495
[Tires peal]
386
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,533
Aw, crud.
387
00:16:18,569 --> 00:16:21,970
[Grunting]
388
00:16:22,005 --> 00:16:23,305
Looking for this?
389
00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:24,740
Oh, no! How did you find me?
390
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:27,409
This is where I ran off to
when I was pregnant.
391
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:30,178
It's the... "Go-to motel for
scared pregnant women."
392
00:16:30,214 --> 00:16:31,813
I read your Yelp review.
393
00:16:31,849 --> 00:16:33,348
Why'd you run away?
394
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:36,918
To think about the most
important decision of my life...
395
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:39,221
whether or not I was going to keep you.
396
00:16:39,256 --> 00:16:41,623
Oh, hey! Is that the coin I flipped?
397
00:16:41,658 --> 00:16:43,125
Roger, I'm sorry.
398
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,161
This whole time, I was so
focused on getting Jeff back,
399
00:16:46,196 --> 00:16:48,663
I forgot how much
this was affecting you.
400
00:16:48,699 --> 00:16:51,366
So... I got you this.
401
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:55,337
[Gasps] Now you can match Jeff...
402
00:16:55,372 --> 00:16:58,039
or Tristan, whatever you wanna call him.
403
00:16:58,075 --> 00:17:00,475
We are in this together.
404
00:17:00,511 --> 00:17:01,843
Let's call him Jeff!
405
00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:05,280
I'm starting to think
"Tristan" is a gay lion's name.
406
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:06,815
Ready to come home?
407
00:17:06,850 --> 00:17:09,484
Okay, just let me grab my... Aah!
408
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,620
Aah! Roger! Your eyes are bleeding!
409
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:12,954
The baby!
410
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,350
What? What's wrong with the baby?!
411
00:17:14,374 --> 00:17:16,892
Bleeding eyes means the baby's coming!
412
00:17:16,927 --> 00:17:18,560
I thought you read the book I got you!
413
00:17:18,595 --> 00:17:21,663
I did! But it was just
David Blaine's life story.
414
00:17:21,698 --> 00:17:24,166
Oh, yeah, well, I was right
to give you that book.
415
00:17:24,201 --> 00:17:25,534
It's awesome. Pretty cool.
416
00:17:25,569 --> 00:17:27,602
He was bullied as a kid
and then made himself
417
00:17:27,638 --> 00:17:30,372
into one of the most popular
magicians in the world.
418
00:17:30,407 --> 00:17:33,008
Speaking of magicians,
did you know Criss Angel
419
00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:35,477
lives on the top floor of the Luxor?
420
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,379
- Do you think he has a book?
- I-I don't know.
421
00:17:37,414 --> 00:17:40,949
Shut up, you babbling bitch!
I'm having a baby here!
422
00:17:40,984 --> 00:17:43,952
[Tires screeching]
423
00:17:43,987 --> 00:17:47,756
424
00:17:47,791 --> 00:17:48,990
[Tires screech]
425
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,926
426
00:17:50,961 --> 00:17:52,828
[Tires screeching]
427
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:56,064
428
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,475
[Brays]
429
00:18:07,511 --> 00:18:10,545
430
00:18:12,983 --> 00:18:15,150
[Tires screeching]
431
00:18:15,185 --> 00:18:18,653
No one escapes the third happy day!
432
00:18:18,689 --> 00:18:20,956
[Both screaming]
433
00:18:20,991 --> 00:18:23,658
[Screaming]
434
00:18:23,694 --> 00:18:25,727
Childbirth really hurts!
435
00:18:25,762 --> 00:18:28,630
I have so much respect
for Michelle Duggar now,
436
00:18:28,665 --> 00:18:31,433
which is saying something,
because I already considered her
437
00:18:31,468 --> 00:18:34,536
one of the most accomplished
women of her generation.
438
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,304
Aah!
439
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:37,939
Stay strong, Roger. Keep pushing.
440
00:18:37,975 --> 00:18:41,109
This is punishment for all
the bad things I've done,
441
00:18:41,144 --> 00:18:43,144
like the time I took those blind people
442
00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:45,080
to that noisy warehouse and told them
443
00:18:45,115 --> 00:18:46,581
they were at the World Series.
444
00:18:46,617 --> 00:18:50,252
I sold them $12 beers I bought for $8,
445
00:18:50,287 --> 00:18:52,854
and when they were super drunk,
I made their team lose
446
00:18:52,890 --> 00:18:54,256
in the bottom of the 9th
447
00:18:54,291 --> 00:18:56,658
and broke their dumb, blind hearts.
448
00:18:56,693 --> 00:18:57,893
Keep pushing!
449
00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,461
[Screaming]
450
00:18:59,496 --> 00:19:01,029
- [Pop]
- He's here!
451
00:19:01,064 --> 00:19:03,198
[Crying]
452
00:19:03,233 --> 00:19:06,134
Congratulations! It's a strange thing.
453
00:19:06,169 --> 00:19:08,837
Why's he so small? I thought
he was coming out full grown.
454
00:19:08,872 --> 00:19:10,171
What's wrong?
455
00:19:10,207 --> 00:19:12,007
Oh, it's like one of
those sponge dinosaurs.
456
00:19:12,042 --> 00:19:13,975
He'll get bigger once we add water.
457
00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:16,444
Can I... Can I see him?
458
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,415
- [Purring]
- Hey, buddy.
459
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,651
Roger!
460
00:19:22,686 --> 00:19:25,887
My mouth is super juicy
for this very purpose.
461
00:19:25,923 --> 00:19:27,656
- Babe.
- Jeff, it's you!
462
00:19:27,691 --> 00:19:28,924
Aw, give him here.
463
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:32,694
I need to do skin-to-skin
contact right away.
464
00:19:32,729 --> 00:19:36,331
He's not latching. I disown this child.
465
00:19:41,605 --> 00:19:44,372
I'm sorry these three happy
days have been so terrible.
466
00:19:44,408 --> 00:19:47,008
Actually, today's been pretty good.
467
00:19:47,044 --> 00:19:49,344
What? You twisted your ankle,
468
00:19:49,379 --> 00:19:51,112
we almost died in a freezing river,
469
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:52,628
and now we're hiding in a storm drain
470
00:19:52,652 --> 00:19:54,115
that smells like a dead body.
471
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,819
Yeah, but I wasn't poor,
and you weren't middle class.
472
00:19:57,854 --> 00:20:02,223
We were just two best friends,
running for our lives.
473
00:20:02,259 --> 00:20:04,592
Come here.
474
00:20:04,628 --> 00:20:05,794
Whoa.
475
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:09,164
I feel it, too.
This is a hell of a moment.
476
00:20:09,199 --> 00:20:13,368
No, it's just... I know why it
smells like a dead body in here.
477
00:20:13,403 --> 00:20:14,636
I'm not dead.
478
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:16,604
Just because I don't conform
479
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,975
to your conventional standard
of beauty doesn't mean I'm dead.
480
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:24,579
You know all those magazine
covers are Photoshopped, right?
481
00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:25,880
Both: Aah!
482
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:31,353
Scared of what a real
woman looks like?!
483
00:20:33,590 --> 00:20:35,423
So after everything with Roger,
484
00:20:35,459 --> 00:20:38,680
I realized, there's so
much more to having kids
485
00:20:38,681 --> 00:20:39,676
than I ever thought,
486
00:20:39,677 --> 00:20:41,746
and I don't know if
they're ready for that.
487
00:20:41,747 --> 00:20:43,614
Well, having just been born,
488
00:20:43,729 --> 00:20:46,529
I feel I'm a little
young to have a baby.
489
00:20:46,654 --> 00:20:48,474
Guys, I finally added up the bill
490
00:20:48,475 --> 00:20:49,693
for being your surrogate.
491
00:20:49,694 --> 00:20:52,302
Food, parts, labor,
loss of other income,
492
00:20:52,302 --> 00:20:55,342
all totaled...
you owe me a ride to the mall.
493
00:20:55,402 --> 00:20:57,883
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
494
00:20:57,933 --> 00:21:02,483
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