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1
00:00:00,697 --> 00:00:02,839
- Your hair's looking less weird.
- Thanks.
2
00:00:02,965 --> 00:00:05,576
Okay, Christmas gifts.
Uh, Pete?
3
00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,224
Well, he keeps telling me
that he wants skinny jeans,
4
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:10,305
so Cheese of the Month Club.
5
00:00:10,372 --> 00:00:11,472
Uh, Jenna?
6
00:00:11,540 --> 00:00:13,598
Oh, I wanna take that Internet photo
of her nipple slip
7
00:00:13,633 --> 00:00:15,009
and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle.
8
00:00:15,076 --> 00:00:17,478
Aw, she'll love that.
9
00:00:17,546 --> 00:00:18,679
Okay, uh, Jack?
10
00:00:18,747 --> 00:00:20,158
- Jack donaghy?
- Yeah.
11
00:00:20,193 --> 00:00:21,191
Huh.
12
00:00:21,226 --> 00:00:24,718
Well, I've never exchanged gifts
with Jack before.
13
00:00:24,787 --> 00:00:26,418
But we've known each other four years.
14
00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:28,920
- I mean, we're friends, right?
- Absolutely.
15
00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:32,722
You guys remind me of that bantering
couple in that old movie, um...
16
00:00:32,790 --> 00:00:35,624
Meet the parents.
17
00:00:36,861 --> 00:00:39,525
Oh, my, is it yearbook time already?
18
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,150
The company has acquired an up and coming
social networking site called YouFace,
19
00:00:43,165 --> 00:00:45,861
so each executive has to
set up their YouFace page.
20
00:00:45,896 --> 00:00:48,736
- Now, this picture will be my pholo...
- Not a word.
21
00:00:48,801 --> 00:00:50,236
Which is a contraction
for photo and hello.
22
00:00:50,303 --> 00:00:53,338
Youface.
Who are you facing?
23
00:00:53,407 --> 00:00:54,654
[chuckling]
No one.
24
00:00:54,740 --> 00:00:57,140
Those sites are for
horny married chicks with kids
25
00:00:57,175 --> 00:01:00,210
who want to exchange pervy emails
with their old high school boyfriends.
26
00:01:00,278 --> 00:01:01,706
And since all your high school boyfriends
27
00:01:01,779 --> 00:01:03,945
- Are now gay--
- exactly.
28
00:01:04,589 --> 00:01:06,190
So Lemon, what can I do for you?
29
00:01:06,225 --> 00:01:08,382
Do you want to exchange
Christmas presents this year?
30
00:01:08,450 --> 00:01:09,100
[gasps]
31
00:01:09,151 --> 00:01:12,518
- Uh, just, uh... I would love to.
- Great.
32
00:01:12,586 --> 00:01:15,587
- So what do you want?
- Excuse me?
33
00:01:15,655 --> 00:01:18,090
Well, in my family, everybody just
writes down what they want
34
00:01:18,157 --> 00:01:20,558
and then we give it to each other
and everybody has a great Christmas.
35
00:01:20,625 --> 00:01:23,959
Lemon, gift giving is the
purest expression of friendship.
36
00:01:24,027 --> 00:01:27,095
I'm going to think about
what I know and like about you
37
00:01:27,165 --> 00:01:29,797
and that will lead me to the perfect gift,
and you do the same.
38
00:01:29,867 --> 00:01:35,537
So bath salts in a coffee mug would be...
39
00:01:35,605 --> 00:01:38,708
Not it.
40
00:01:40,277 --> 00:01:41,326
[exciting jazz music]
41
00:01:41,361 --> 00:01:44,083
Season 4 Episode 8
Secret Santa
42
00:01:44,118 --> 00:01:51,283
43
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
44
00:02:00,392 --> 00:02:02,715
- Thanks.
- Hey, new guy, how's it going?
45
00:02:02,750 --> 00:02:03,583
Well, I'm worried.
46
00:02:03,596 --> 00:02:06,313
- I haven't been on the show
the last two weeks. - Good stuff.
47
00:02:06,348 --> 00:02:07,960
Listen, every Christmas,
I collect money from the staff
48
00:02:08,029 --> 00:02:09,454
and give it to the cleaning ladies.
49
00:02:09,489 --> 00:02:11,273
- Yeah. Of course, count me in.
- Great.
50
00:02:11,308 --> 00:02:14,975
- Jenna, would you care to chip in?
- No, thank you.
51
00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:16,637
I'm doing my own thing this year.
52
00:02:18,937 --> 00:02:20,695
She does this every year.
53
00:02:20,730 --> 00:02:23,208
She doesn't give the money because
she knows that the card says,
54
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:26,241
"From the cast and writers of TGS",
and she'll get credit for it anyway.
55
00:02:26,311 --> 00:02:30,022
I should make up new cards that say,
"Happy holidays from everyone except Jenna."
56
00:02:30,057 --> 00:02:33,482
But that would require me to have
some remaining life force, Danny.
57
00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:36,417
So I'm gonna go have a drink
alone at the Oyster Bar.
58
00:02:40,324 --> 00:02:43,131
- I've been finger tagged, Lemon.
- Was it down by the subway entrance?
59
00:02:43,166 --> 00:02:44,895
'cause I saw a gangly-looking
kid down there.
60
00:02:44,993 --> 00:02:48,528
Finger tagged means I have been
contacted by someone else on YouFace.
61
00:02:48,596 --> 00:02:50,462
In this case,
that would be Nancy Donovan,
62
00:02:50,531 --> 00:02:55,267
the cutest girl at East Sadchester
High School, class of 1976.
63
00:02:55,335 --> 00:02:56,802
That's the year my mom was born.
64
00:02:56,869 --> 00:03:00,771
Would you get us some pens?
65
00:03:00,839 --> 00:03:03,020
See, I told you you'd
find an old girlfriend.
66
00:03:03,055 --> 00:03:04,174
She wasn't my girlfriend, Lemon,
67
00:03:04,242 --> 00:03:07,078
But I must admit,
Nancy Donovan was...
68
00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,244
My first crush.
69
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:11,749
My first crush was Larry Wilcox.
70
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:13,652
The blonde guy from Chips?
71
00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:16,955
Bowl haircut, thin lips, hoo.
72
00:03:17,023 --> 00:03:19,251
Uh, this wasn't a TV crush.
This was real.
73
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:20,792
Oh, mine got pretty real.
74
00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:23,661
Here's a woman I haven't
seen in 25 years.
75
00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:26,063
One day on YouFace and she finds me,
76
00:03:26,131 --> 00:03:28,438
tells me that she's coming down
to pick up her sons at fordham,
77
00:03:28,473 --> 00:03:30,602
and she'd love to swing by.
78
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:33,771
- What does that mean?
- Did she post you public or PM you?
79
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:36,140
- I don't know.
- Well, let's look at her page.
80
00:03:36,207 --> 00:03:38,142
Oh, um...
81
00:03:38,211 --> 00:03:41,459
- www...
- Got it.
82
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,948
I'll check her face-vault
to see her previous bing-bings.
83
00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:46,684
- Is YouFace hyphenated?
- Huh.
84
00:03:46,752 --> 00:03:48,730
Six months ago, her status
said she was "married,"
85
00:03:48,765 --> 00:03:52,019
but 14 days ago,
she changed it to "working on it."
86
00:03:52,054 --> 00:03:54,692
- Really? May I see that?
- Nope, do not put a hyphen in YouFace.
87
00:03:54,761 --> 00:03:58,331
There are definitely faces here but
they are not being treated with respect.
88
00:03:58,398 --> 00:04:01,467
[gasps]
Ew.
89
00:04:01,536 --> 00:04:04,003
[panting]
90
00:04:04,071 --> 00:04:05,204
Kenneth.
91
00:04:05,272 --> 00:04:07,172
Bag of names.
92
00:04:07,241 --> 00:04:09,576
Secret santa.
Secret santa!
93
00:04:09,643 --> 00:04:12,411
Kenneth is doing his
secret santa fun swap thing.
94
00:04:12,478 --> 00:04:12,900
Ugh!
95
00:04:12,935 --> 00:04:15,180
He takes the two worst
parts of Christmas,
96
00:04:15,248 --> 00:04:17,982
giving and rules,
and combines them!
97
00:04:18,051 --> 00:04:19,650
And then the person
with the highest number
98
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,753
gives the smallest gift
to the tallest person.
99
00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:25,555
If they wanna switch,
they cannot, unless they do.
100
00:04:25,624 --> 00:04:28,799
Then everyone puts their head down
except the murderer.
101
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,360
Oh, wait, that's not right.
102
00:04:30,428 --> 00:04:33,742
The whole thing was so confusing I
ended up getting my own crappy gift back.
103
00:04:33,777 --> 00:04:37,233
Like I need two copies
of Over 60 Vixens.
104
00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:40,736
[dramatic b-movie music]
105
00:04:40,803 --> 00:04:46,942
[screaming]
106
00:04:47,010 --> 00:04:48,110
[door slams]
107
00:04:48,178 --> 00:04:49,377
Mr. Rossitano,
108
00:04:49,445 --> 00:04:53,516
Would you like to participate in our
studio-wide secret Santa fun swap?
109
00:04:53,583 --> 00:04:56,183
I totally would do secret Santa,
110
00:04:56,251 --> 00:04:59,019
but I don't believe in Christmas
because I'm a Verdukian.
111
00:04:59,088 --> 00:05:02,223
Yes, we are all very strict Verdukians.
112
00:05:02,290 --> 00:05:06,861
Oh. My apologies.
I've never heard of that religion.
113
00:05:06,896 --> 00:05:08,963
- What do you all believe in?
- Oh, many things.
114
00:05:09,031 --> 00:05:11,736
Uh, the healing power of root beer...
115
00:05:11,771 --> 00:05:15,970
That a man can have up to nine wives
if two of them are male.
116
00:05:16,038 --> 00:05:19,274
And we always leave work to go to
the movies on Merlinpeen.
117
00:05:19,341 --> 00:05:21,309
So good Merlinpeen to you, Kenneth.
118
00:05:21,377 --> 00:05:25,482
- Good Merlinpeen.
- Good Merlinpeen.
119
00:05:27,418 --> 00:05:29,836
Vattene, what's this?
Is this a store Jack likes?
120
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,186
Unbelievable.
121
00:05:31,253 --> 00:05:34,289
Do you really think you belong on
Mr. Donaghy's personal gift list?
122
00:05:34,358 --> 00:05:35,522
Why not?
We're friends.
123
00:05:35,590 --> 00:05:37,554
He's the best gift giver in the world.
124
00:05:37,589 --> 00:05:38,726
I tried once.
125
00:05:38,793 --> 00:05:41,661
I bought him a $95 bottle of olive oil.
126
00:05:41,729 --> 00:05:44,831
In return, he got my sister
out of a North Korean jail!
127
00:05:44,899 --> 00:05:47,168
- Oh, brother.
- You will never match him.
128
00:05:47,236 --> 00:05:49,970
And I'll be here next year
to take you off of that list.
129
00:05:50,038 --> 00:05:53,073
Even if I get into law school,
I won't go!
130
00:05:53,141 --> 00:05:54,141
All right.
[door opens]
131
00:05:54,209 --> 00:05:55,147
Jonathan, would you...
132
00:05:55,179 --> 00:05:58,849
Oh, Lemon, come in here for a minute.
133
00:05:58,916 --> 00:06:01,151
I want you to meet my old friend,
Nancy Donovan.
134
00:06:01,219 --> 00:06:02,485
[Boston accent]
That's my maiden name.
135
00:06:02,554 --> 00:06:04,354
I keep tellin' ya.
Things have changed.
136
00:06:04,421 --> 00:06:07,123
But not your hair.
It's like a shag carpet.
137
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:10,528
I wanna sit on it and play a board game.
138
00:06:10,595 --> 00:06:14,031
- Nice to meet ya.
- Nice to meet you. Is your family here?
139
00:06:14,099 --> 00:06:16,267
Ah, just the boys.
My husband couldn't make it.
140
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,701
Husband couldn't make it.
141
00:06:17,770 --> 00:06:19,001
Oh, I...I brought something to show ya.
142
00:06:19,069 --> 00:06:21,938
It's, uh... it's goofy, I know.
143
00:06:22,005 --> 00:06:23,539
[gasps]
Oh, my goodness.
144
00:06:23,608 --> 00:06:25,540
Hey, Beantown.
145
00:06:25,608 --> 00:06:28,443
Hey, Beantown was the school musical
Nancy and I were in.
146
00:06:28,511 --> 00:06:30,248
I thought you had stage fright.
147
00:06:30,312 --> 00:06:32,213
hey, beantown
148
00:06:32,281 --> 00:06:33,182
the puritans found you
149
00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:34,784
Both:
hey, beantown
150
00:06:34,851 --> 00:06:35,984
water surrounds you
151
00:06:36,052 --> 00:06:37,787
so let's watch the sox play ball
152
00:06:37,854 --> 00:06:38,953
Both:
play ball
153
00:06:39,021 --> 00:06:41,722
at beantown, you got it all
154
00:06:41,790 --> 00:06:43,458
Whoo!
155
00:06:43,524 --> 00:06:45,494
Yeah, I did plays in high school too.
156
00:06:45,561 --> 00:06:46,895
I was John Proctor in The Crucible.
157
00:06:46,962 --> 00:06:49,931
- Oh, you went to an all-girls' school?
- No.
158
00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:52,198
Jack played Paul Revere.
159
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:56,198
We were all jealous of Lisa Alberson
'cause she got to play his horse.
160
00:06:58,130 --> 00:07:01,507
- Well, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet ya.
161
00:07:01,576 --> 00:07:05,322
- He still owes me $10. That's true.
- Yeah, he was always a thief, that guy.
162
00:07:05,413 --> 00:07:06,679
Remember those guys used to
hang out by the cash register?
163
00:07:06,746 --> 00:07:09,080
- Oh, I know. I remember.
- And mooch. He was a moocher.
164
00:07:11,552 --> 00:07:12,619
What's with all the junk, Ken?
165
00:07:12,688 --> 00:07:16,222
Well, these are my all-inclusive
holiday decorations.
166
00:07:16,289 --> 00:07:17,323
Here's a little Christmas tree...
167
00:07:17,391 --> 00:07:19,126
- Okay.
- A menorah.
168
00:07:19,193 --> 00:07:20,526
- Dig.
- A picture of President Obama.
169
00:07:20,594 --> 00:07:22,795
- For the muslims.
- I'm gonna let that one slide.
170
00:07:22,864 --> 00:07:26,666
And a bowl of meat cubes with a picture
of Jimmy Connors sticking out
171
00:07:26,734 --> 00:07:28,668
in the tradition of Verdukianism.
172
00:07:28,736 --> 00:07:31,271
Verdukianism?
That doesn't make sense.
173
00:07:31,338 --> 00:07:32,374
Jimmy is catholic.
174
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,275
Ah. Good Merlinpeen, gentlemen.
175
00:07:35,342 --> 00:07:37,309
All: Good merlinpeen.
176
00:07:37,377 --> 00:07:39,179
So you guys are Verdukians?
177
00:07:39,247 --> 00:07:41,215
Yep. That's why we
can't do secret Santa.
178
00:07:41,281 --> 00:07:42,516
Mm-hmm.
179
00:07:42,583 --> 00:07:44,685
Then sing that Verdukian winter carol.
180
00:07:44,752 --> 00:07:46,887
The famous one.
181
00:07:46,953 --> 00:07:52,758
oh, meat bowl of verduke
182
00:07:52,826 --> 00:07:57,129
-
you bring me such pizza
-
meatbowl
183
00:07:57,196 --> 00:07:59,898
[laughs]
184
00:07:59,967 --> 00:08:01,233
Now a Christmas song.
185
00:08:01,301 --> 00:08:02,302
Oh, Mr. Baker.
186
00:08:02,369 --> 00:08:04,070
Hmm?
[clears throat]
187
00:08:04,137 --> 00:08:08,374
oh, holy night
188
00:08:08,441 --> 00:08:11,609
the stars are brightly shining
189
00:08:11,677 --> 00:08:13,011
What the whaaat?
190
00:08:13,078 --> 00:08:16,515
New dude is as good at singing
as Tracy Jordan is at everything!
191
00:08:16,582 --> 00:08:17,743
Danny, was that you?
192
00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:19,217
Why didn't you tell me
you could sing like that?
193
00:08:19,286 --> 00:08:20,987
- I didn't think it was important.
- Not important?
194
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:23,130
I had Tracy playing
Josh Groban last week.
195
00:08:23,165 --> 00:08:24,335
Come here.
196
00:08:25,030 --> 00:08:25,576
Listen up.
197
00:08:25,657 --> 00:08:28,193
Jenna's not singing the Christmas solo
on Friday's show, you are.
198
00:08:28,259 --> 00:08:29,359
What?
Why?
199
00:08:29,427 --> 00:08:31,763
For the most wonderful reason of all:
200
00:08:31,829 --> 00:08:33,125
Christmas vengeance.
201
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,074
Jenna will finally be
punished for all the times
202
00:08:35,109 --> 00:08:37,252
I had to pay her share of the money
for the cleaning ladies.
203
00:08:37,287 --> 00:08:38,991
No, I don't wanna steal Jenna's solo.
204
00:08:39,026 --> 00:08:40,953
That's not what the holidays are about.
205
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,074
Maybe Jenna and I could
do a duet instead.
206
00:08:43,141 --> 00:08:44,742
[stifling laughter]
207
00:08:44,809 --> 00:08:47,943
Yes. A duet.
208
00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:51,249
Share the stage.
She will love that!
209
00:08:51,284 --> 00:08:53,482
I'm sorry,
are you being sarcastic?
210
00:08:53,549 --> 00:08:55,263
Canadians have a hard time recognizing it
211
00:08:55,298 --> 00:08:56,618
'cause we don't have
a big Jewish population.
212
00:08:56,685 --> 00:09:00,188
I'm not being sarcastic at all!
213
00:09:00,255 --> 00:09:02,157
Okay. Great.
214
00:09:02,226 --> 00:09:03,792
Dude...
215
00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:06,069
Merry Christmas, Pete Hornberger.
216
00:09:07,430 --> 00:09:09,564
I can't believe you're not married.
217
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:12,001
I thought you'd have
some hotshot young wife
218
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:16,373
with black hair who says queer stuff
like, "dressing on the side."
219
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,599
Well, I was married,
but people grow apart.
220
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:20,075
Was she a bitch or did you cheat?
221
00:09:20,631 --> 00:09:22,381
- The former.
- The former?
222
00:09:22,447 --> 00:09:24,414
What are you, a newscaster?
223
00:09:24,484 --> 00:09:26,084
Whatever happened to your Boston accent?
224
00:09:26,151 --> 00:09:27,685
[Boston accent]
You're a liar, Nancy Donovan.
225
00:09:27,752 --> 00:09:29,119
I never had a Boston accent.
226
00:09:29,186 --> 00:09:30,519
What about you, loudmouth?
227
00:09:30,588 --> 00:09:32,888
What southie piece of trash
did you trick into marrying you?
228
00:09:32,956 --> 00:09:35,023
I'll have you know that
my husband happens to be
229
00:09:35,092 --> 00:09:38,894
a very prominent
Pakistani anesthesiologist.
230
00:09:38,963 --> 00:09:40,363
No, I'm kiddin' ya.
He's an Irish moron.
231
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:41,631
Runs a roofing company.
232
00:09:41,698 --> 00:09:44,233
So if you need your roof done,
call someone else,
233
00:09:44,301 --> 00:09:46,335
Because my guy's...
234
00:09:46,404 --> 00:09:49,072
Not reliable.
235
00:09:49,139 --> 00:09:51,162
What do you say I take you
and the boys out to dinner?
236
00:09:51,197 --> 00:09:53,687
- I know a lot of terrific places.
- Uh, I don't know.
237
00:09:53,722 --> 00:09:55,745
They have their heart
set on the ESPN Zone.
238
00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:59,582
They've been talking about the
Hideki Matsui Caliente Fajitas all week.
239
00:09:59,649 --> 00:10:03,152
Well, let them go to the ESPN Zone
and I'll take you someplace nice.
240
00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:06,156
Yeah. Sure.
Why not?
241
00:10:06,224 --> 00:10:09,626
I'm glad we, uh,
never made out in high school.
242
00:10:09,694 --> 00:10:11,494
Otherwise this whole thing
would be so awkward.
243
00:10:11,563 --> 00:10:15,031
Excuse me, we kissed every night
on stage in Hey, Beantown.
244
00:10:15,097 --> 00:10:17,199
Oh, that doesn't count.
There wasn't even any tongue.
245
00:10:17,266 --> 00:10:20,469
But only because my mother told me
that French kissing was for the Italians.
246
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,605
They do love it.
247
00:10:22,673 --> 00:10:24,407
How else do you think
I got Mr. Sorrentino
248
00:10:24,475 --> 00:10:28,011
to cast me as the spirit of liberty?
249
00:10:30,382 --> 00:10:32,450
A duet?
Really?
250
00:10:32,518 --> 00:10:34,118
I didn't know you sang.
251
00:10:34,186 --> 00:10:36,587
I mean, it's funny
'cause it's kind of my thing.
252
00:10:36,656 --> 00:10:38,056
But next thing I know
you're gonna be telling me
253
00:10:38,124 --> 00:10:40,458
you're really blonde and have
a urinary tract infection.
254
00:10:40,526 --> 00:10:41,895
[laughs loudly]
255
00:10:41,961 --> 00:10:44,231
[laughs]
256
00:10:44,298 --> 00:10:45,999
Maybe I should hear you sing.
257
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:47,466
That way I can plan our harmonies.
258
00:10:47,534 --> 00:10:50,002
oh, danny boy
259
00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:51,103
the pipes
260
00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:54,540
the pipes are calling
261
00:10:54,608 --> 00:10:57,676
from glen to glen
262
00:10:57,743 --> 00:11:01,846
and down the mountainside
263
00:11:01,915 --> 00:11:05,385
- I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding?
- Yes.
264
00:11:05,451 --> 00:11:07,520
Because I'm so happy for you.
265
00:11:07,588 --> 00:11:09,423
It's definitely not a rage stroke.
266
00:11:09,490 --> 00:11:11,091
Oh. Great!
267
00:11:12,632 --> 00:11:15,507
- What's up, special K? Having a party?
- Not me, sir.
268
00:11:15,599 --> 00:11:18,775
Tonight is the Verdukian holiday
of mouth pleasures.
269
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:22,411
Misters Rossitano, Spurlock, and Lutz
must have free sausage pizza
270
00:11:22,446 --> 00:11:26,274
followed by some gentle flossing
performed by a blonde virgin.
271
00:11:26,778 --> 00:11:29,383
Your generosity
is being taken advantage of.
272
00:11:29,418 --> 00:11:32,514
- What do you mean?
- Verdukianism. It's fake.
273
00:11:32,582 --> 00:11:35,785
Those dudes made it up because
they didn't wanna do secret Santa.
274
00:11:35,852 --> 00:11:38,387
But they had all these
rules and rituals.
275
00:11:38,454 --> 00:11:40,555
That's what religion is, K-fed.
276
00:11:40,623 --> 00:11:43,913
Just a bunch of made-up rules
to manipulate people.
277
00:11:43,948 --> 00:11:46,595
Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays?
278
00:11:46,663 --> 00:11:47,864
I'll tell you why.
279
00:11:47,931 --> 00:11:50,779
Because the Pope
owns Long John Silver's.
280
00:11:50,814 --> 00:11:54,787
Wait a minute, are you saying that
other religions are made up by man too?
281
00:11:54,822 --> 00:11:55,680
Uh-oh, Ken.
282
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,535
We may have fallen into
the intellectual deep end here.
283
00:11:58,575 --> 00:12:01,344
And if you try to grab on to me,
we'll both drown.
284
00:12:01,379 --> 00:12:05,349
- What if there's no God?
- Okay, time to go.
285
00:12:05,416 --> 00:12:08,319
[organ music]
286
00:12:08,386 --> 00:12:11,455
287
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,357
So far, she's just
uploaded some pictures.
288
00:12:13,424 --> 00:12:16,994
"My Christmas trip to
New York with the boys."
289
00:12:17,062 --> 00:12:18,761
Ice skating, sure.
290
00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:22,033
And Nancy cupping Burt Reynolds'
crotch at the wax museum.
291
00:12:22,101 --> 00:12:24,622
That finger touching
his moustache is me.
292
00:12:24,657 --> 00:12:27,204
Why did she crop me out
of all of these pictures?
293
00:12:27,272 --> 00:12:28,306
No, it's good.
294
00:12:28,341 --> 00:12:30,603
If Nancy didn't care about you,
she'd leave you in.
295
00:12:30,638 --> 00:12:33,254
But she must feel weird about
her husband seeing you there.
296
00:12:33,289 --> 00:12:37,246
- She feels weird in a good way.
- Weird in a good way. Huh.
297
00:12:37,314 --> 00:12:38,614
Like going to the gym drunk.
298
00:12:38,682 --> 00:12:39,549
[gasps]
299
00:12:39,784 --> 00:12:44,421
She changed her status from
"working on it" to "weirdsies."
300
00:12:44,489 --> 00:12:48,427
O.M.F.G.
301
00:12:50,271 --> 00:12:53,440
- Is that maroon and navy?
- Nerds!
302
00:12:53,508 --> 00:12:54,219
Don't tell me, Lemon,
303
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,875
you spent $500 on a tie I already have
304
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:59,010
at a store with a no returns policy.
305
00:12:59,077 --> 00:13:00,546
Oh, shark farts!
306
00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:02,425
But this is my lucky tie.
307
00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:04,857
And anyone who knows me well
would know that.
308
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:06,878
And just like I know
you only wear that sweater
309
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,186
When you're planning on
eating pasta with red sauce.
310
00:13:09,254 --> 00:13:12,150
- Nice haircut.
- Let's level the playing field.
311
00:13:12,185 --> 00:13:15,403
How about the most we can spend
on each other's gifts is...
312
00:13:15,438 --> 00:13:16,618
zero dollars?
313
00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:19,227
- Really?
- You want to exchange creative gifts?
314
00:13:19,329 --> 00:13:20,562
Oh, well.
315
00:13:20,630 --> 00:13:22,380
You are the one that's
in trouble now, buddy,
316
00:13:22,415 --> 00:13:25,366
Because creativity to me
is just like...
317
00:13:25,435 --> 00:13:28,870
It's like a bird, like a friendly bird
318
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:31,438
that embraces all...
319
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:34,674
Ideas and just, like, shoots...
320
00:13:34,743 --> 00:13:36,643
Out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.
321
00:13:36,711 --> 00:13:39,312
Wow, Lemon, this is like
watching Hemingway write.
322
00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:40,646
Mark Hemingway.
323
00:13:40,714 --> 00:13:41,567
Yeah.
324
00:13:41,683 --> 00:13:43,115
Wait, why are you wearing
your lucky tie?
325
00:13:43,183 --> 00:13:45,884
I'm having dinner tonight with Nancy.
Alone.
326
00:13:45,952 --> 00:13:48,320
She changed her status to "weirdsies."
327
00:13:48,387 --> 00:13:50,523
What are your expectations here?
She's married.
328
00:13:50,591 --> 00:13:52,980
Uh, I don't know, Lemon.
Nancy's leaving tomorrow.
329
00:13:53,126 --> 00:13:54,661
Can't I just enjoy this while it lasts?
330
00:13:54,728 --> 00:13:57,330
That's what I said when that
hot dog vendor passed out,
331
00:13:57,397 --> 00:14:01,102
But you made me go get help.
332
00:14:03,638 --> 00:14:04,871
Hey!
333
00:14:04,938 --> 00:14:06,652
Did you hire this guy
to hide in my dressing room
334
00:14:06,687 --> 00:14:07,541
and punch me in the throat?
335
00:14:07,607 --> 00:14:10,910
- No.
- He's bigger than you said.
336
00:14:10,977 --> 00:14:12,311
May I still collect my kiss?
337
00:14:12,378 --> 00:14:14,882
Vattene!
338
00:14:14,949 --> 00:14:18,184
Why would you do that, Jenna?
I thought we were buddies.
339
00:14:18,252 --> 00:14:19,117
[chuckles]
340
00:14:19,221 --> 00:14:21,253
You don't fool me with your innocent act.
341
00:14:21,321 --> 00:14:23,520
First you force your way into my solo...
342
00:14:23,523 --> 00:14:24,726
I didn't force anything.
343
00:14:24,792 --> 00:14:26,260
Pete is the one that wanted
to take away your solo.
344
00:14:26,326 --> 00:14:27,706
What?
Why?
345
00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:30,429
He's mad that you don't chip in for
the cleaning lady's Christmas gifts.
346
00:14:30,497 --> 00:14:32,499
Well, I'm doing my own thing.
347
00:14:32,565 --> 00:14:36,002
I got them this.
348
00:14:36,069 --> 00:14:40,274
The program from this year's
Asian women in television awards.
349
00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:44,412
Julie Chen's energy drink,
Chenergize.
350
00:14:45,077 --> 00:14:46,214
A flipvideo.
351
00:14:46,282 --> 00:14:48,134
Wait, hang on, I didn't know
this was in here.
352
00:14:48,184 --> 00:14:49,918
Wow, you really get in
the Christmas spirit.
353
00:14:49,985 --> 00:14:51,853
[snaps fingers]
Oh, my God.
354
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,421
I just got sarcasm.
355
00:14:53,488 --> 00:14:55,122
Fine.
356
00:14:55,190 --> 00:14:58,124
I'm terrible at Christmas
because I never had a nice one.
357
00:14:58,193 --> 00:15:00,579
Sometimes my mom would take us
to see Santa Claus,
358
00:15:00,614 --> 00:15:03,196
But that's just because she suspected
one of them was my deadbeat dad.
359
00:15:03,264 --> 00:15:06,599
So I'd have to get on every santa's lap
in the Bakersfield area and scream,
360
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:08,701
"you oughta be ashamed
of yourself, Travis!"
361
00:15:08,768 --> 00:15:11,370
Oh, no, that's...
that sounds horrible.
362
00:15:11,437 --> 00:15:13,105
And then I'd sing carols
in the middle of Sears
363
00:15:13,172 --> 00:15:15,641
just to create a distraction
while my mom shoplifted.
364
00:15:15,709 --> 00:15:18,711
And those few minutes
when I was singing carols,
365
00:15:18,778 --> 00:15:21,147
that was the one part
of Christmas I liked.
366
00:15:21,214 --> 00:15:25,051
And now you've taken that
away from me.
367
00:15:28,755 --> 00:15:29,954
Well, that went well.
368
00:15:30,021 --> 00:15:31,122
[snaps fingers]
369
00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:33,291
Oh, yes.
370
00:15:35,597 --> 00:15:37,862
You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now.
371
00:15:41,235 --> 00:15:42,235
Something you wanna say?
372
00:15:42,301 --> 00:15:45,671
We wanna do secret santa!
Yay!
373
00:15:45,738 --> 00:15:49,476
Secret Santa has been cancelled
because I have lost my faith.
374
00:15:49,543 --> 00:15:51,750
But something's changed in us.
375
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,145
It's... it's a Christmas miracle.
376
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:54,814
That certainly proves God exists.
377
00:15:54,883 --> 00:15:59,219
If God existed, then he would punish you
for what you did to me.
378
00:15:59,254 --> 00:16:01,722
And yet here you are unpunished.
379
00:16:01,790 --> 00:16:06,093
Ergo, our actions have no consequences.
380
00:16:06,161 --> 00:16:07,628
So if you'll excuse me,
381
00:16:07,696 --> 00:16:10,565
I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.
382
00:16:15,137 --> 00:16:17,164
Hey, what was the name
of that abandoned factory
383
00:16:17,199 --> 00:16:19,275
where we used to go
shoot bb guns at rats?
384
00:16:19,342 --> 00:16:20,677
Wolford Cap and Gown.
385
00:16:20,777 --> 00:16:22,455
Of course.
Is that still there?
386
00:16:22,545 --> 00:16:25,347
No, they tore it down
and put up a big playground.
387
00:16:25,415 --> 00:16:28,450
- Oh, what a shame.
- Yeah.
388
00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:33,122
- So, uh, can I buy you a nightcap?
- Better not.
389
00:16:33,189 --> 00:16:35,525
We have an early train
back to Boston tomorrow.
390
00:16:35,592 --> 00:16:38,461
And you know how hard it is to get
teenagers out of bed in the mornin'.
391
00:16:38,529 --> 00:16:40,732
Yes, but not in the way
you're talking about.
392
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:43,401
[both chuckle]
393
00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:44,769
It was great to see you, Jack.
394
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,071
I'll, uh...
I'll hit ya on YouFace.
395
00:16:47,138 --> 00:16:49,341
But you gotta promise me
to finger tag me back.
396
00:16:49,408 --> 00:16:52,644
I'd like nothing more.
397
00:17:03,258 --> 00:17:05,926
[car horns honking]
398
00:17:06,707 --> 00:17:07,561
What is this?
399
00:17:07,629 --> 00:17:10,364
This is your zero dollars present.
400
00:17:10,431 --> 00:17:14,468
doo doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo, my friend is Jack
401
00:17:14,536 --> 00:17:17,238
if you like his necktie,
pat him on the back
402
00:17:17,305 --> 00:17:19,273
Nope. Never mind.
Not your present.
403
00:17:19,341 --> 00:17:22,076
Uh, no, please.
Don't go.
404
00:17:22,144 --> 00:17:27,049
Uh, I'm sorry that I wasn't even able to
feign interest in whatever that was.
405
00:17:27,115 --> 00:17:29,283
[uncorks bottle]
406
00:17:29,351 --> 00:17:30,584
Nancy left this morning.
407
00:17:30,653 --> 00:17:32,953
She'll be on the 12:10
out of Penn station.
408
00:17:33,618 --> 00:17:36,289
Do you ever wonder, Lemon,
what your life would be like
409
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:38,560
if you had never left your hometown?
410
00:17:38,628 --> 00:17:39,200
Oh, of course.
411
00:17:39,395 --> 00:17:41,262
Have you not read my
terrible short story,
412
00:17:41,331 --> 00:17:43,532
The two paths of Virginia apple?
413
00:17:43,967 --> 00:17:47,462
I spent my whole life trying to erase
where I came from.
414
00:17:47,497 --> 00:17:49,504
But after these moments with Nancy,
415
00:17:49,572 --> 00:17:54,108
for the first time in my life,
I'm homesick.
416
00:17:54,175 --> 00:17:55,775
Well, you'll stay in touch, right?
417
00:17:55,843 --> 00:17:57,077
I don't know.
418
00:17:57,144 --> 00:18:00,279
Nancy's going back to her husband,
her life.
419
00:18:00,348 --> 00:18:02,117
I think this was just a moment in time
420
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:05,084
and I just wish it had lasted
a little bit longer.
421
00:18:08,022 --> 00:18:10,059
Okay, well.
422
00:18:10,125 --> 00:18:14,028
I'm gonna go work on your real gift.
423
00:18:14,096 --> 00:18:17,265
You know what would go real nice
on that wall over there:
424
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:19,267
A drawing of a frog.
425
00:18:19,335 --> 00:18:21,102
- No.
- No.
426
00:18:21,171 --> 00:18:22,273
[silently]
No.
427
00:18:23,297 --> 00:18:25,974
Back in five, four,
428
00:18:26,042 --> 00:18:29,277
Three, two...
429
00:18:29,345 --> 00:18:33,081
[piano music]
430
00:18:33,149 --> 00:18:35,082
frosted window panes
431
00:18:35,150 --> 00:18:37,319
candles gleaming inside
432
00:18:37,386 --> 00:18:41,755
painted candy canes on the tree
433
00:18:41,823 --> 00:18:44,359
[off key]
santa's on his way
434
00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:48,061
he's filled his sleigh with things
435
00:18:48,131 --> 00:18:50,731
things for you and me
436
00:18:50,799 --> 00:18:52,800
it's that time of year
437
00:18:52,867 --> 00:18:55,035
when the world falls in love
438
00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:58,905
every song you hear seems to say
439
00:18:58,973 --> 00:19:01,441
Both:
Merry Christmas
440
00:19:01,509 --> 00:19:07,348
may your New Year's dreams come true
441
00:19:07,416 --> 00:19:13,120
442
00:19:13,189 --> 00:19:14,689
Hey, Jack.
443
00:19:14,756 --> 00:19:16,257
My train got cancelled.
444
00:19:16,325 --> 00:19:19,127
I spent all day at Penn station
trying to get out.
445
00:19:19,194 --> 00:19:22,131
Figured I should finally take the hint
and meet ya for that drink.
446
00:19:22,197 --> 00:19:26,068
Well, I'm glad you came back.
447
00:19:26,135 --> 00:19:29,571
And I figured I owed you a kiss good-bye.
448
00:19:29,639 --> 00:19:31,506
I mean, what's the big deal?
449
00:19:31,574 --> 00:19:33,174
We did it every night
in Hey, Beantown.
450
00:19:33,242 --> 00:19:36,944
We'll just do it high school style.
451
00:19:37,012 --> 00:19:39,480
No tongue.
452
00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:51,259
and this song of mine
453
00:19:51,327 --> 00:19:53,028
[off-key]
in three-quarter time
454
00:19:53,094 --> 00:19:55,861
wishes you and yours
455
00:19:55,930 --> 00:19:58,865
Both:
the same thing too
456
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:03,470
Merry Christmas, Lemon.
457
00:20:07,141 --> 00:20:09,777
The gender blind Crucible.
458
00:20:09,843 --> 00:20:12,947
Framed in wood from the stage
of your high school theater.
459
00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:14,713
Jonathan had to drive
all over Pennsylvania
460
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:17,217
and I did not reimburse him for gas.
461
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:18,383
Zero dollars.
462
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,352
Thank you, Jack.
That's amazing.
463
00:20:20,419 --> 00:20:21,954
And don't worry about my present.
464
00:20:22,022 --> 00:20:24,258
I already got the greatest Christmas gift
you could imagine.
465
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,359
Nancy came back to say good-bye.
466
00:20:26,428 --> 00:20:27,728
Her train was cancelled.
467
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:31,063
Because somebody called in
a bomb threat to Penn station?
468
00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:32,231
You're welcome.
469
00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:35,033
Merry Christmas.
470
00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:40,472
All right, which one of you are
Frank Rossitano and James Spurlock?
471
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:41,673
- That's us.
- They are we.
472
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,775
- You're under arrest.
- What did we do?
473
00:20:43,841 --> 00:20:47,277
Someone called in a bomb threat
from your phone this morning.
474
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:49,114
I renounce Verdukianism!
475
00:20:49,180 --> 00:20:50,480
What's that mean?
476
00:20:50,548 --> 00:20:53,049
Are you Al Qaeda?
Come here, pal!
477
00:20:53,116 --> 00:20:54,450
[hollering]
478
00:20:54,517 --> 00:20:55,785
[wailing]
479
00:20:55,852 --> 00:20:58,554
[screaming]
Watch the head!
480
00:20:58,621 --> 00:21:01,555
My angry God is punishing them.
481
00:21:01,624 --> 00:21:03,757
It's a Christmas miracle.
482
00:21:03,825 --> 00:21:06,159
and this song of mine
483
00:21:06,227 --> 00:21:08,127
in three-quarter time
484
00:21:08,195 --> 00:21:10,662
Both:
wishes you and yours
485
00:21:10,732 --> 00:21:14,733
[in tune]
the same thing too
486
00:21:14,802 --> 00:21:19,672
Both:
merry Christmas to you
487
00:21:28,322 --> 00:21:30,590
- Are you Larry Wilcox?
- Yes, ma'am.
488
00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:33,383
This evening, you have permission
to call me officer John Baker.
489
00:21:34,027 --> 00:21:37,564
Oh, but, uh, no sex stuff
and no touching my gun.
490
00:21:37,631 --> 00:21:39,732
Of course, yeah.
491
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:43,203
Merry Christmas, Lemon.
492
00:21:43,270 --> 00:21:45,370
Okay.
493
00:21:45,438 --> 00:21:46,473
Hee hee hee!
494
00:21:46,539 --> 00:21:48,774
Wait, how is this zero dollars?
495
00:21:48,841 --> 00:21:51,478
Well, he promised to get me
on Dancing with the stars.
496
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But that's on ABC.
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Donaghy!
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Subtitle by: Kiasuseven
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