All language subtitles for Van Wilder 2002 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP 2 0 H 264-PiRaTeSS_track3_[eng]

[ Bell Chiming ]

[ Woman ]
COOLIDGE COLLEGE
WAS ESTABLISHED IN 18--

WHO KNOWS THIS ?
IT WAS IN YOUR FRESHMAN FACTS.

[ Man Narrating ]
THE FIRST DAY
OF SPRING SEMESTER.

A TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE
TO THE PARENTS ONCE AGAIN...

AND SAY HELLO TO A FEW
NEW STUDENT BODIES.

AS FOR ME, WELL,
I LIKE TO START OFF
EACH SEMESTER WITH A--

WELL, WITH A CERTAIN
TIME-HONORED TRADITION,
A RITUAL, IF YOU WILL,

THAT ALLOWS ME TO GET MY HEAD
IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

OKAY, SO SUK MEE'S
A LITTLE OLD.

BUT SHE IS JUST SO DAMN GOOD.

[ Slurping ]

SHE'S GREAT
WITH THESE QUICK JOBS,

PLUS THERE'S NO SUBSTITUTE
FOR DECADES OF EXPERIENCE.

THAT LOOKS AMAZING.

AW, THAT'S PERFECT.
YOU'RE A PRO.

A PRO.
HEY, LOOK AT ME.

- A PRO.
- [ Spitting ]

WELL, GOSH,
THAT WAS GREAT.

THANKS FOR THE QUICK JOB
THERE, UH, SUK MEE.

I NEED THESE
IN 20 MINUTES. SUPER.

[ Slurping ]

WE'VE GOT A JUMPER !

[ Sirens Wailing ]

HOLD ON, SON.
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

I DIDN'T WANT
TO COME HERE, EITHER.
THEY MADE ME COME.

THEY MADE ME !

FIRST YEAR CAN BE KIND OF
SCARY, CAN'T IT, TIMMY ?

MY-MY NAME'S NOT--

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE
LEARNED HERE IN MY SEVEN YEARS
HERE AT COOLIDGE, TIMMY ?

I'VE LEARNED THAT YOU
CAN'T TREAT EVERY SITUATION
AS A LIFE AND DEATH MATTER...

'CAUSE YOU'LL DIE
A LOT OF TIMES.

WRITE THAT DOWN.

I-I DON'T HAVE A PENCIL.WELL, REMEMBER THAT THEN.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
TIMMY ?

I THINK YOU'VE GOT
THE BALLS TO MAKE IT HERE.

CALL ME NUTS,

BUT I BELIEVE IN YOU.

YOU SEE, TIMMY,
YOU CAN'T LET THIS
LEAD YOU ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES
YOU GOTTA HEED THIS.

AND I THINK YOU GOT A LOT
OF HEART IN THERE, MISTER.
DON'T YOU ?

DON'T YOU ?
I MEAN, LOOK AROUND YOU. [ Screaming ]

LOOK AT THIS PLACE-- [ Thud ]

[ Crowd Groaning ]TIMMY ?

TIMMY ?

GREAT WORK, VAN !
THANKS !

REMEMBER MY CREDO, TIMMY !
"DON'T BE A FOOL,
STAY IN SCHOOL."

GOD ! I LOVE THIS PLACE.

HEY, VAN.DAN, THE MAN.

[ Girl ]
I CALLED YOU
LAST NIGHT, VAN !

[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Narrating ]
MY NAME IS VAN WILDER, AND THIS
IS MY HOME-- COOLIDGE COLLEGE.

[ Security Alarm Beeps ]

THE LAST, WELL, SEVEN YEARS
HAVE GONE BY WAY TOO FAST.

THIS SCHOOL'S GIVEN ME
SO MUCH, I JUST CAN'T SEEM
TO GIVE ENOUGH BACK.

[ Girl ]
THAT'S VAN.[ Girl #2 ] THAT'S HIM !

[ Girl ]
OH, MY GOD !WOW.

YEAH, WOW.

I WAS THE FIRST EVER
MALE CHEERLEADER
AT HUNTINGTON HIGH !

THE FIRST EVER !

GIVE ME A "V" !
GIVE ME AN "A" !
GIVE ME AN "N" !

- WHAT DOES IT SPELL ?
- I SEE A RABBI AND HE'S
PERFORMING A CIRCUMCISION.

ON HIMSELF, THOUGH.
[ Laughs ]

YOU WILL BECOME DISCIPLINED.

YOUR MIND WILL
BECOME A WEAPON.
[ Karate Shouts ]

[ Yells ]

I'M SORRY. YOU REALLY
JUST DON'T FIT THE PROFILE.

- WE'RE JUST GONNA DO
A LITTLE WORD ASSOCIATION.
- COOKIES !

HI. MY NAME IS VAN.

[ Deep Voice ]
HI. MY NAME IS TERRY.

[ Deep Moan ]

BY THE WAY, CAN YOU
TELL ME IF THERE'LL BE
ANY INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL ?

HUH ? HUH ? HUH ?

SERIOUSLY, I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
IT'S TIME YOU SHOULD GO.

IT SPELLS "VAN !"

NOT ONE ACCEPTABLE CANDIDATE.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH
THE YOUTH OF TODAY ?

THE INTERNET, DUDE.
IT FRIES THEIR BRAIN CELLS, MAN.

[ Whimpering ]IT'S COOL, COLOSSUS.
WE'LL FIND SOMEBODY.

C-LOSS, GET YOUR ASS
OFF MY SHIRT.

- YO, YOU REALLY SHOULD
HAVE HIM NEUTERED, MAN.
- [ Colossus Growls ]

THAT'S UP TO HIM.
THEY ARE GETTING BIGGER,
AREN'T THEY ?

[ Doorbell Rings ]I'LL GET THAT.

LOOKS LIKE
WE GOT ONE MORE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME ?

I'M TAJ MAHAL...
BADALANDABAD.

WH-WHERE YOU FROM, TAJ ?

I'M AN EXCHANGE STUDENT
FROM BANGLAPUR, INDIA. WELCOME.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU ?

MY EXCHANGE PROGRAM
CULMINATES AT THE END
OF THIS SCHOOL YEAR.

AT WHICH TIME, I MUST
RETURN TO MY HOME COUNTRY...

WHERE I DO NOT HAVE
MANY FRIENDS.

I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH
TO SPEND MY REMAINING DAYS HERE
SERVING AS YOUR ASSISTANT.

WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE
WORD ASSOCIATION. SAY THE FIRST
THING THAT COMES TO MIND. MILK.

TIT !
OH, MOMMY.

MOST INDIANS WOULD SAY COW
BECAUSE THEY ARE SACRED,

BUT I HEAR "MILK,"
I-I THINK GIANT JUGS.

YOU SEE, I CANNOT
GO HOME A VIRGIN.

I CAME HERE TO STUDY
THE GREAT AMERICAN ART
OF MUFF DIVING.

TO SMACK CLAM,
MUNCH RUG,

DINE AT JUST ONE
AMERICAN PINK TACO STAND.

I WANT TO-- HOW IS IT--
PARK THE PORPOISE.

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO TAKE IT
THROUGH THE CAR WASH, BABY,

AND GET IT WAXED,
YOU KNOW.

I WANT TO WAX IT, WAX IT,
YOU KNOW, AND AIR DRY.

YOU KNOW, AIR DRY THAT SHIT.
YEAH, YEAH. AIR--

I WANT-- I WOULD LIKE TO BE
YOUR ASSISTANT VERY MUCH,
MR. VAN WILDER.

YOU'LL NEED A COPY
OF MY CLASS SCHEDULE
SO YOU CAN TAKE NOTES.

YOU'LL ALSO HANDLE MY FINANCES.
I LECTURE AT THE FRESHMAN
CRISIS GROUP EVERY OTHER MONDAY.

I'M SPEARHEADING THE
"SAVE THE SWIM TEAM SPEEDO
SPECTACULAR"...

AND THE "BLOATED BELLY BEER
BASH TO BATTLE BULIMIA"
THIS SEMESTER.

THIS IS SICK BOY'S ROOM.
NOT A WEEK'S GONE BY HE HASN'T
COME DOWN WITH SOME AILMENT--

SHINGLES, HEPATITIS, CRABS--
THAT WAS HIS FAULT.

MATZO BALL SOUP,
JEWISH PENICILLIN.THANKS, VAN.

DON'T PICK AT IT.
MOVING ON.

YOU'LL NEED TO MOVE MY 7:15
TO 8:15, MY 8:15 TO 9:45
AND MY 9:45 TO WEDNESDAY.

YOU OWE $75,000
FOR THE SPEEDBOAT.

CANCEL MY GUEST LECTURE
AT WHARTON SCHOOL.

I FEEL LIKE GOING
SOMEWHERE TROPICAL-- TAHITI.
ARE YOU WRITING THIS DOWN ?

YES, SIR.YOU OWE $200,000
FOR THE THOROUGHBRED.

SCHEDULE A MASSAGE
AFTER MY GOLF GAME
TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

AT THE HAPPY ENDING ?AH, YES.

AND ANOTHER $39,000
FOR YOUR SON'S TUITION
AND HOUSING THIS SEMESTER.

TUITION ?
VAN IS STILL IN SCHOOL ?

FOR THE BETTER PART
OF A DECADE.

[ Man ]
"DEPRESSION:
IS PROZAC REALLY THE ANSWER ?"

"FAMINE--
CRISIS IN RWANDA."

"TRACKING TUITION:
WHERE DOES OUR MONEY
REALLY GO ?"

EACH ARTICLE WELL-WRITTEN
AND EXTENSIVELY RESEARCHED
BY OUR OWN GWEN PEARSON...

AND EACH ARTICLE SKIPPED
OVER BY THE MAJORITY
OF THE STUDENT BODY.

I DON'T CARE.
I WON'T PANDER TO THEM.

"LIGHT BEER VS. DARK--
THE SHOWDOWN"
BY DARIUS GRAYSON.

- IS THAT THE SAME--
- PULITZER-PRIZE WINNING
DARIUS GRAYSON.

HE WAS AN ALUMNUS
OF OUR JOURNALISM STAFF.

HE WROTE HIS
BEST STUFF IN DETOX.
STILL DOES, I'M TOLD.

I HAVE GOT A VERY CHALLENGING
ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.

A STORY THAT NOBODY'S
BEEN ABLE TO GET.ABOUT WHAT ?

NO, NO, NO.
IT'S ABOUT WHOM.

[ Security Alarm Beeps ]

[ Crowd Shouting, Cheering ]

[ Buzzer Sounding ]

IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD.

[ Man On P.A. ]
THE END OF THE FIRST HALF.
THE CHICKADEES NEED A MIRACLE...

TO COME BACK IN THIS ONE.

[ Alarm Blaring ]SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU
TO STEP AWAY FROM VAN'S VEHICLE.

WILDER ! HE'S GOT NO
BUSINESS PARKING THERE.
THAT'S MY SPOT.

THEY NEED ME, TED.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE I'M GLAD I'M DEAF.
I CAN'T HEAR THE "BOOS."

NOW, LISTEN UP.

I'M GONNA GO OVER THIS
ONE MORE TIME !

IN THE EVENT THEY SWITCH
TO THE ZONE DEFENSE,

WE MUST SWING THE BALL
AROUND THE PERIMETER.

- [ Continues Speaking ]
- THIS BALL CLUB IS THE HEART
OF THIS INSTITUTION.

YOU WIN, IT BEATS.
YOU LOSE, IT BREAKS.

YOU'RE NOT
BOXING OUT, BIG PAPA.
YOU'RE MY WINDEX MAN.

I WANT YOU SHINING GLASS.
QUENTIN, WE GOT TO "D" UP
OUT THERE.

DARIUS, I WANT YOU ALL OVER
THAT BALL LIKE A FAT KID
ON A CUPCAKE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT,
SUSIE ? YOUR MOM CALLED.
YOU LEFT YOUR LEGS AT HOME.

FOR GOD'S SAKE !
I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS.

WHICH IS WHY I'M THROWING YOU
A LITTLE SOIREE TOMORROW NIGHT,
BUT NOT WITHOUT A "W" TONIGHT.

WANNA KNOW WHY ?
BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS
TO CELEBRATE A LOSS, GUYS.

- YOU INVITE THOSE FREAK
HONEYS FROM MT. HOLYOKE ?
- I ALREADY DID.

THEY SAID THEY'D
TRY TO MAKE IT IF THEY
WEREN'T HUMPING THE MATADORS.

- MATADORS ?
- [ Chattering Indistinctly ]

COME ON, FELLAS.
WE GOT A BALL GAME TO WIN.

WHOO ! ALL RIGHT !
COME ON ![ Shouting ]

LET'S GO KICK
SOME MATADOR TAIL--

[ Man On P.A. ]
OH, THE HUMANITY ! LOOK !

HOW BAD DO YOU WANT TO BE...

A DELTA ?

WOULD YOU WALK ON
BROKEN GLASS ? [ Glass Shattering ]

LET THE SHARDS TEAR
INTO YOUR ACHILLES TENDON,
CAUSING ACUTE ACHONDROPLASIA,

WHICH COULD LEAD
TO NON-CONGENITAL DWARFISM
AS YOU GOT OLDER ?

JUST EASE UP ON THE MEDICAL
TERMS, ALL RIGHT ? JUST KEEP IT
SIMPLE AND TERRIFYING.

THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS
MORE TERRIFYING THAN
NON-CONGENITAL DWARFISM, OKAY ?

HEY, RICHARD.
READY TO STUDY ?

[ Whispering ]
GWENNY, I SAID 9:30.
IT'S 9:20.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF
AN 80-YEAR TRADITION HERE.

I WILL BE UP WHEN I'M DONE
WITH MY PRESIDENTIAL
RESPONSIBILITIES, ALL RIGHT ?

OKAY. I'LL WAIT
FOR YOU UPSTAIRS.

WHO'S MY ALABASTER
PRINCESS ? HMM ?

YOU ARE.
YOU ARE, YOU--

[ Whispering ]
RELAX, GUYS.
THEY'RE JUST DORITOS.

LISTEN TO ME,
YOU LITTLE FUCK STAINS !

WHEN I COUNT TO THREE, YOU
WILL JUMP OR ELSE BE BANISHED
FROM THIS HOUSE FOREVER !

ONE, TWO--

FUCK !

♪♪ [ Rap ]

OHH ! WHOO !

WHOO ! WHOO ! WHOO !

EXCUSE ME.
WHERE CAN I FIND VAN WILDER ?

IN THE GUINESS BOOK OF
WORLD-FUCKING-RECORDS,MAN,

UNDER THE "RADDEST
FUCKIN' DUDE ALIVE."
[ Chuckles ]

OKAY. THANKS.

NOW, ANYONE OF THESE
THREE ROOMS, GRAMPS.

VAN WILDER ?
VAN ?

[ Chuckling ]

SWEET JOSEPH,
MY SON'S A FAIRY.

DAD, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE ?

OH, THANK GOD. [ Girl ]
NO JAMMIES. PARTY FOUL.

OH, NO-- HEY, HEY--
OH, DEAR GOD.

[ Girl ]
NEXT TIME, YOU'LL KNOW BETTER.
[ Giggles ]

SEVEN YEARS, AND NO DEGREE ?
YOU SHOULD HAVE GRADUATED
TWICE BY NOW.

I'VE DONE A LOT
IN SEVEN YEARS, DAD.

IF YOU DON'T
HAVE YOUR DOCTORATE,
YOU HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH.

YOU HAVE WASTED ENOUGH
OF YOUR TIME AND MY MONEY.
PACK UP OUR PANTIES, SON,

BECAUSE WE ARE HEADING HOME.

[ Dialing Phone ]NO !

- I'M STAYING HERE
WITH MY FRIENDS.
- FINE.

MAYBE YOUR FRIENDS
CAN PAY YOUR TUITION.

BECAUSE THIS MORNING
I PLACED A STOP PAYMENT
ON THIS SEMESTER'S CHECK.

I'M SORRY, SON.
BUT SOMETIMES IN LIFE...

YOU HAVE TO REALIZE
A POOR INVESTMENT
AND SIMPLY CUT YOUR LOSSES.

WRITE THAT DOWN.

[ Van ] I NEED MORE TIME.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING
THAT WE CAN WORK OUT.

[ Inhales ]
WHAT IS THAT INTOXICATING
SCENT YOU'RE WEARING, DORIS ?

- I HAVE CATS.
- MEOW.

MAYBE YOU COULD PUT ME
ON SOME SORT OF, UH,

EXTENSION... PROGRAM ?

- A LITTLE PAY-AS-YOU-GO ?
- MR. WILDER, ARE YOU TRYING
TO SEDUCE ME ?

WHO, ME ? NO-O-O.

[ Chuckles ]

HEY ! HEY !

YOU KNOW, M-M-M-MAYBE
THIS ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

BEING BAD SELDOM IS.

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S THE SHIT.
- HEY, GUESS WHAT.

I'M FEELING
A LITTLE COLD SORE COME ON.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T DO THIS
FOR THREE TO SIX WEEKS.

SHUT UP, BITCH,
AND GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.

FILL THIS OUT.
IT'S THE STANDARD PAYMENT
PLAN EXTENSION FORM.

YOU MEAN...
WE DIDN'T HAVE TO, UH--

BUT AREN'T YOU GLAD WE DID ?

YOU CAN EITHER MAIL THIS IN
OR DROP IT OFF.

- GO, BABY, GO !
WHOO ! WHOO ! WHOO !
- MAIL IT IN !

MAIL IT IN !
MAIL IT IN.

VAN, YOU MUST MAKE
FOUR MONTHLY PAYMENTS
OF $5,000 EACH.

I'M SORRY, TAJ.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO
LET YOU GO.

I-I DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES
TO PAY FOR YOUR SERVICES
ANYMORE.

A GOOD SOLDIER DOES NOT
LEAVE HIS COMMANDER JUST
BECAUSE HE LIES WOUNDED,

ARMS TORN OFF AT THE SOCKETS,
INTESTINES SPILLING OUT
ONTO THE MUD.

I WILL STAY ON AT NO CHARGE.

OKAY.EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY
DO YOU HAVE ?

HE HAS ONLY $34.DAMN, VAN.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
GONNA DO WITH $34, MAN ?

♪♪ [ Soul ]

[ Farts ]

[ Squeaks ]

WHOO !

- CONGRATULATION, TAJ.
YOUR FIRST BLOW JOB.
- IN MY COUNTRY,

A WOMAN'S MASTERY OF HER
GASTRONOMICAL RELEASES IS
THE ULTIMATE APHRODISIAC.

DESIREE IS THE FOREMOST
CONNOISSEUR OF CHILI CON CARNE
AND A T.A. AT COOLIDGE.

I WISH I HAD TEACHERS
LIKE THAT.

[ Narrating ]
AND JUST LIKE THAT,
TOPLESS TUTORS WAS BORN.

"X"... EQUALS...

SIX ?

YEAH !

[ Narrating ] DESI TOLD ME
HOW SHE AND HER GRAD SCHOOL PALS
COULD USE SOME EXTRA INCOME.

TAJ PROVED TO BE AN EXCELLENT
COMPANY ACCOUNTANT...

AS WELL AS OUR MOST
VALUED CLIENT.

♪♪ [ Rock ]

EXCUSE ME ? HI.

I'M LOOKING FOR
INFORMATION ON A CURRENT
STUDENT HERE-- VAN WILDER.

FRESHMAN YEAR.
I'LL GET THE OTHERS.WAIT, WAIT.

THERE ARE MORE OF THESE ?ACTUALLY,
THERE ARE MANY MORE.

IT SEEMS MR. WILDER DIDN'T
QUITE COME OUT OF HIS SHELL...

UNTIL MID-SOPHOMORE YEAR.

OH. THANKS.

[ Man ]
IT'S LIKE THIS ITCHY,
RASHY, BURNING SENSATION,

AND IT HURTS WHEN I--

- DANCE ?
- WHEN I PEE.

- YOU HOOKED UP
WITH A BURNER, DIDN'T YOU ?
- YEAH.

SHE SEEMED LIKE A NICE GIRL,
SAID IT WAS HER FIRST TIME ?

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CHECK
THE QUALITY OF THE TURF BEFORE
YOU STEP OUT ON THE FIELD.

LISTEN, GO THE CAMPUS
HOSPITAL, SEE STU.
TELL HIM VAN SENT YOU.

AND REMEMBER:
DON'T BE A FOOL.
WRAP YOUR TOOL.

THANKS, VAN.
THANKS A LOT !

DON'T THANK ME.
THANK PENICILLIN.

CRAZY KIDS
WITH THEIR CRAZY... V.D.

- YOU MUST BE VAN.
- HI.

I'M GWEN PEARSON,
STAFF WRITER FOR
THE LIBERATOR.

HI. OH. OKAY, LOOK.

THAT OLD BAG IS STRONGER
THAN SHE LOOKS, ALL RIGHT ?

I'M DOING A HUMAN
INTEREST PIECE ON YOU.

WELL, I'M-I'M FLATTERED.
I'D LOVE FOR YOUR PIECE
TO BE ON ME.

BUT SADLY,
I DON'T DO INTERVIEWS.
I NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL.

- I DO LUNCH, THOUGH.
- MY EDITOR DID SAY
THIS WOULD BE A CHALLENGE.

- VAN, SECOND DATE
WITH EMILY. RED, BLUE ?
- BLUE. BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES.

KID'S GOT KILLER EYES,
NOT UNLIKE YOURSELF.
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT ?

- YES, MY BOYFRIEND.
- OH.

- IS IT TRUE THIS IS YOUR
SEVENTH YEAR AT COOLIDGE ?
- CARRY THE TWO-- YES.

WHAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND'S NAME ?
DOES HE GO TO SCHOOL HERE ?
DOES HE APPRECIATE YOU ?

-THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
-YOU KNOW WHAT ? YOU'RE RIGHT.

HIS NAME'S RICHARD.
HE'S PREMED.

- VAN, YOU HAVE A 1:30
WITH THE SWIM TEAM.
- ON IT.

- YOU HAVE AN ASSISTANT ?
- YES, I DO.

IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU COULD TELL ME
ABOUT YOURSELF...

THAT I HAVEN'T ALREADY
FOUND OUT FROM PUBLIC RECORDS ?UH-HUH.

I'LL BE AT THE QUAD TOMORROW
NIGHT AT 10:00. SOUND GOOD ?YES.

IT'S A DATE.IT'S AN INTERVIEW,
NOT A DATE.

GWEN, FIRST DATES
AREINTERVIEWS.

- [ Gwen ]
YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT ?
- MM-HMM. ROB'S COMING OVER.

I'M CLOSING IN
ON THAT DIAMOND, GWEN.

THE DYNAMIC DUO WILL
SEAL THE DEAL TONIGHT.

GOOD LUCK, LADIES.

SOMEBODY GOT AWFULLY
DRESSED UP TO QUIZ ME
ON MY FIRST ANATOMY MIDTERM.

I'M SO SORRY, BABY.
I TOTALLY FORGOT.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW
FOR THE PAPER.AT 10:00 AT NIGHT ?

CAN'T YOU POSTPONE IT ?
GWEN, FIRST EXAM,
MOST CRUCIAL.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE
YOU'RE ON A DEADLINE
FOR THE BOSTON GLOBE.

IT'S THE ONLY TIME
HE HAD AVAILABLE.

I'LL CALL YOU AS SOON
AS I GET BACK, OKAY ? BYE.

HE ?

ALL RIGHT !
HEY, GWEN, ALL RIGHT !
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.I'M NOT TAKING OFF
MY CLOTHES.

IT IS THE NAKEDMILE RUN.
EVERYBODY ELSE IS IN
THEIR BIRTHDAY SUIT.

- EXCEPT THAT GUY.
- UM, I HAVE A FEW
QUESTIONS FOR YOU.

IN TIME. THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.
THAT THREE-LETTER WORD,
STARTS WITH "F."

SO, YOU'RE QUITE THE CAMPUS MAN,
HEADING EVENTS LIKE
THE JAÄGER OLYMPICS.

OH, YES. WELL, YOU KNOW,
YOU HAVEN'T LIVED UNTIL YOU
SHOT PUTTED BLITZED ON JAÄGER.

- HEINIE ?
- THIS WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA.
I'M GONNA LEAVE.

HEY, ARE WE GONNA
RESCHEDULE OR WHAT ?

[ Gunshot ]

WHO'S A BIG BOY ?
WHO'S A BIG BOY ?

OH, GOD !

- THOSE THINGS COULD
RAISE THE TITANIC.
- YOU VAN WILDER ?

[ Narrating ]
THE STRIP CLUB OWNER GOT TIRED
OF USING HIS "B" SQUAD,

SO HE CAME BACK
FOR THE STARTING LINEUP.

TOPLESS TUTORS WAS DEAD.

WE ARE TRULY UP THE GANGES RIVER
WITHOUT A BAMBOO OAR.

WE'RE STILL $1,200 SHORT
OF YOUR NEXT TUITION PAYMENT.

TAJ, I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO
THAT WORRYING IS LIKE
A ROCKING CHAIR.

IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO,
BUT IT DOESN'T GET YOU ANYWHERE.

- WRITE THAT DOWN.
- DON'T EVEN SWEAT IT, TAJ.
I GOT A PLAN.

- LET'S GO GET FUCKED UP.
- SOUNDS GOOD.
- IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT ?

NOW, I ADMIT I APPLIED
FOR THIS JOB BECAUSE I WANTED
TO CUT LOOSE AND SHAKE MY RUMP,

BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE
THIS DILEMMA WILL BE
SOLVED BY PARTYING.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

- CAN I HELP YOU, SON ?
- I CERTAINLY HOPE SO,
MR. WILDER.

I COME TO YOU IN DESPERATION.

I'M PANOS PATAKOS,
PRESIDENT OF THE LAMBDA
OMEGA OMEGA FRATERNITY.

I'M SURE YOU'RE AWARE
OF OUR... STIGMA. YEAH.

YOU GUYS HAVE HAD
THE BEST G.P.A. LAST 50 YEARS.

INDEED.
BUT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

THE BEST G.P.A.
DOESN'T GET YOU LAID.IT DAMN WELL SHOULD.

AMEN. THIS MONTH MARKS
OUR 75th ANNIVERSARY.

I AM HERE TO ASK YOU
TO AID US IN THROWING A PARTY--

A PARTY WE CAN BE PROUD OF--

A PARTY PEOPLE WILL
ACTUALLY SHOW UP TO.

I'D REALLY LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT,
BUT I HAVE A BAMBOO OAR
STUCK UP MY GANGES.

IT'S VERY SCARY STUFF,
AND I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

HOW MUCH
IS YOUR TIME WORTH ?

[ Narrating ]
PANOS REMINDED ME THAT
I HAD ONE VERY VALUABLE SKILL...

I'D YET TO TAP--
MY UNDENIABLE ABILITY
TO THROW ONE HELL OF A PARTY.

♪♪ [ Disco ]

I WAS HANGING ON BY A THREAD,
BUT I WAS STILL MAKING TUITION.

THE STRAWBERRY !
NO, EAT THE STRAWBERRY !
IT'S WORTH 250 !

DON'T YOU THINK
I KNOW THAT ?

YOU TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD.I DON'T LIKE THE WAY
YOU CONDESCEND TO ME.

DON'T DO THAT !FRANKLY, YOU'RE JUVENILE.

- GUYS ?
- UH-OH !

I KNOW MS. PAC MAN'S SPECIAL.

SHE'S FUN, SHE'S CUTE,
SHE SWALLOWS.

BUT, UH,
WE GOT TO TALK, GUYS.

HUDDLE UP ! COME ON !
TEAM MEETING HERE.

COWBOY. ALL RIGHT.

- I LOOK AT YOU GUYS
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE ?
- COLLECTIVE G.P.A. OF 52,000 ?

YEAH-- NO ! I SEE
A BUNCH OF PARTY ANIMALS...

CROUCHED IN ATTACK POSITION,
READY TO STRIKE.

AM I RIGHT ?

- NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WE'RE HERE.
- [ Chuckles ]
AU CONTRAIRE, MON FREÈRES.

GIRLS ? HI.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
SHERRI AND TERRI.

TWO GIRLS UTTERLY INFATUATED...

WITH MEN WHO HAVE
LARGER THAN NORMAL...

MEDULLA OBLONGATAS.

[ Computer Keys Clacking ]

PEARSON, I GOT A HOT NEWS TIP
FOR YOU. IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I KNOW. I'M JUST DOING
SOME FINAL REVISIONS
TO THIS PIECE ON EUTHANASIA.

OH, I READ THAT.
MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
I'M KIDDING.

- WHERE'S MY WILDER STORY ?
- THERE IS NO STORY.
THE GUY'S A JOKE.

I MEAN, HE TRIES TO TURN
EVERY INTERVIEW INTO A DATE.

A GOOD WRITER GETS HER STORY,
NO MATTER WHAT.

NOW, PLEASE GET ME
THE WILDER PIECE.

HE'S THROWING
A BIG PARTY TONIGHT.

YOU SHOULD BE THERE.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

HEY.THIS IS REALLY
A PIMPING GOOD TIME.

YES, IT IS.
OH, OH, OH, OH.

LOOK WHO'S CHECKING OUT
THE BADALANDABAD.
HER NAME'S NAOMI.

THAT'S "I MOAN" BACKWARDS.

I PUT IN
A GOOD WORD FOR YOU.

HEY, TAJY.
LET'S BOOGIE.

[ Yells ]

THESE ARE THE MOST
PATHETIC BUNCH OF PLEDGES.YOU PICKED 'EM.

HEY, BABE.GWEN, WHY AREN'T YOU
IN COSTUME ?

I CAN'T STAY.
I HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT.

- YOU'RE GONNA MISS
THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE YEAR.
- [ Crickets Chirping ]

WELL, UM, I GOTTA GO.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.WHAT ?

THIS PARTY SO ROCKS,
RICHARD.

THIS PARTY SUCKS RECTUM,
JEANNIE.OKAY.

WHERE THE HELL
IS EVERYONE ?

MAD PROPS FOR THIS
PIMPING GOOD TIME...

GO OUT TO THOSE
HUNG AND HANDSOME BAD BOYS
OF LAMBDA OMEGA OMEGA !

[ Cheering, Applause ] [ Van ] THANKS FOR
THE GOOD TIMES, FELLAS.

- GWEN. HEY, LET'S
GET YOU SOME SKATES.
- I'M NOT HERE TO SKATE.

LOOK, FOR SOME REASON
MY EDITOR THINKS YOU'RE A STORY.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK ?WELL, AS A STORY,

I THINK...
YOU'RE A LITTLE SOFT.

UH, WOW. ALL THIS TIME,
I THOUGHT I WAS MORE TO YOU
THAN SOME FLACCID STORY.

A DILEMMA
HAS AROSE UP FRONT.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE GOT
OUR POINT ACROSS BEFORE--CRYSTAL CLEAR, GUYS.

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.
DON'T GO ANYWHERE, OKAY ?

OH, THERE HE GOES.OH, SERIOUSLY.

VAN IS A GODSEND.I WOULD HAVE PAID HIM WAY MORE
THAN A GRAND FOR THIS PARTY.

[ Man ]
I WOULD HAVE CASHED IN
MY ISRAEL BONDS.

HOW DO YOU PUT
A PRICE ON DIGNITY ?

HOW DO YOU PUT
A PRICE ON POONANI ?YES !

[ Shouting ]

OH, MY GOD !
FEEL THIS !

WHOA ! TRICK OR TREAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON ?

THIS VAGINAL DISCHARGE
WON'T LET US PARTAKE
IN THE PAR-TAY.

GRAPHIC.
I'M SURE THAT WE CAN
ACCOMMODATE A FEW MORE, YEAH ?

NO CAN DO.
WE'RE AT MAXIMUM CAPACITY.

GWEN ?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

- YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER ?
- SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND,
GLUTEOUS ERECTI.

YOU MUST BE PREMED DICK. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT'S IT TO YOU ?THANKS FOR THE STORY.

- [ Both ] WHAT STORY ?
- BRILLIANT, PEARSON.

I HAVE BEEN INUNDATED WITH
PEOPLE TELLING ME HOW MUCH THEY
ENJOY READING ABOUT THIS GUY.

THEY WANT MORE, AND SO DO I.
I WANT YOU TO DO A FOLLOW-UP.

I DID YOUR STORY, ELLIOT.
I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ONE.

EVEN IF I TELL YOU IT'S GONNA
BE ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE
GRADUATION ISSUE IN TWO MONTHS ?

[ Van ]
AND I QUOTE,
"VAN WILDER IS A PARTY PIMP."

SICK BOY. CAN YOU BELIEVE
SHE WROTE THAT ?[ Phone Rings ]

VAN WILDER'S PHONE.
I DO NOT FORESEE THAT
TO BE A PROBLEM.

AND THAT GUY SHE'S WITH,
ALL KINDS OF WRONG FOR HER.

SICK BOY, HOW YOU DOIN' ? VAN, THE SHINGLES
ARE ALL GONE.

- THAT OINTMENT REALLY WORKED.
- [ Girl Screams ]

- THANKS.
- LOOKIN' GOOD THERE, BUDDY.

WE'LL CALL YOU BACK.UNBELIEVABLE.

[ Ringing ]VAN WILDER'S PHONE.

TERRIBLE.I THINK SO.
UH, YEAH. HANG ON.

[ Phone Ringing ]UNBELIEVABLE.

VAN'S ROOM.
SATURDAY NIGHT, YEAH.

THAT'S-- HOW DID YOU--
FROM THE PAPER ? [ Doorbell Ringing ]

YEAH, THAT'S FINE !
OKAY, THANKS.
NO PROBLEM CONFIRMING. BYE.

- THIS WRITING, IT'S JUST--
- HI. I WAS JUST WONDERING...

- NO !
- IF YOU COULD...
SLAM THE DOOR IN MY FACE.

VAN, YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME.
BECAUSE OF HER ARTICLE,

PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY WANTS
TO HAVE A PARTY THROWN BY
VAN WILDER, THE PARTY LIAISON.

YOUR CASH CAMEL HAS ARRIVED !

WE NEED TO TALK.

THIS IS WHY
I DON'T DO INTERVIEWS.
YOU TOTALLY SLAMMED ME.

YOU JOURNALISTS AND YOUR
IRRESPONSIBLE REPORTING.

I RECORDED QUOTES THAT YOU
RECEIVED MONEY FROM THE LAMBDAS
TO THROW THEM A PARTY.

WHAT ARE YOU, BUGGED ?
DO I NEED TO FRISK YOU ?

WHY IS MY STORY
SUCH A BIG DEAL TO YOU ?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT
THE STUDENTS TO KNOW
I THREW THE PARTY.

YEAH, THEY PAID ME,
BUT THAT'S NOT
THE ONLY REASON I DID IT.

THOSE LAMBDAS ARE COOL
IN THEIR OWN RIGHT. PEOPLE
JUST NEEDED TO REALIZE IT.

I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW, YOU KNOW,
YOU HAD A BENEVOLENT AGENDA.

THERE'S TWO SIDES
TO EVERY STORY, GWEN. LOOK.

I HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE FRONT
PAGE OF THE GRADUATION ISSUE
WHICH IS A HUGE DEAL TO ME.

PLEASE, LET ME GET
THE OTHER SIDE.

THERE'S THIS FUNCTION
I'M HOSTING TOMORROW NIGHT.

IF YOU WANT...
YOU CAN TAG ALONG.

- I'LL BE THERE.
- IT'S A DATE.

IT'S AN INTERVIEW.

[ Man ]
REMEMBER, TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT
IS ABOUT SHADOW.

SO DON'T GET TOO HUNG UP
ON DETAIL.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY ?

[ Male Student ]
OH, LORD !

[ Male Student #2 ]
SO MUCH SINEW,
I NEED A BIGGER PENCIL.

[ Ringing ]8:30 P.M. YEAH, THAT'S FINE.
HELLO ? HELLO ?

[ Narrating ] WORD SPREAD
AROUND CAMPUS. MY CALENDAR WAS
FILLED WITH PARTIES TO PLAN.

VAN WILDER, PARTY LIAISON,
WAS BORN.

AT THE HILLEL HOUSE,
I BROKE BREAD.

AND THEN I BROKE THE BOREDOM.

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

THEY SAID THAT
I DID THEM AMITZVAH.

THAT'S YIDDISH FOR "GOOD DEED."
WRITE THAT DOWN.

OH, YEAH,
AND SHE CAME TOO.

THIS IS THE SECOND PARTY
OF HIS SHE'S GONE TO.SOUNDS SERIOUS. THREATENED ?

[ Hits Ball ] [ Man Groans ]

THREATENED ? PLEASE.

I'M PRESIDENT OF BOTH
MY FRATERNITY AND
THE STUDENT GOVERNMENT.

HE'S NOTHING MORE
THAN A MILD RECTAL ITCH.

[ Groans ]YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO ABOUT
A MILD RECTAL ITCH, GORDO ?

WHAT'S THAT,
RICHARD ?YOU SCRATCH IT.

AND THEN YOU SCRATCH IT
SOME MORE.

THE MORE YOU SCRATCH AT IT,
THE WORSE IT GETS, UNTIL FINALLY
YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT...

BUT A RAW, CHAFED,

POSSIBLY INFECTED
ANAL CAVITY.

AND THEN IT'S WON.

WHEN ALL YOU HAD TO DO
FROM THE START WAS TAKE
A MEDICATED PAD...

AND SMOTHER IT.

[ Gasps, Groans ]

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,
MIDTERM IS NEXT WEEK.

HERE YOU HAVE YOUR FIVE
CATEGORIES-- COMMERCE AND
TRADE AND SO FORTH AND SO ON.

[ Whispering ]
WHAT YOU DOING ?

[ Whispering ]
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS.
YOU KNOW, THAT FIVE-LETTER WORD.

I THOUGHT WE COULD SPEND
SOME TIME TOGETHER...

FOR THE STORY.

HEY.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS.

YEAH. [ McDoogle ]
AND THANK YOU.

-ALL RIGHT, THINGS TO REMEMBER--
COMMERCE AND TRADE--
-[ Fire Alarm Ringing ]

EVERYBODY JUST FILE OUT
IN AN ORDERLY FASHION.

[ Moans ]

WHAT ? WHA--

COME ON. HOP IN.I AM NOT GETTING
IN THAT THING WITH YOU.

IF YOU WANT THE STORY,
YOU'LL GET IN THIS THING
WITH ME.

WHAT HAPPENED ?
IS EVERYONE OKAY ?

WILDER.

ARE WE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE
FOR BEING IN HERE ?NO, NO. IT'S COOL.

EQUIPMENT MANAGER OWES ME
A FAVOR. I INTRODUCED HIM
TO HIS WIFE.

LIFE IS ALL ABOUT DEVELOPING
RELATIONSHIPS, GWEN.
I HOPE YOU CAN SKATE.

SO THE DEAL IS,
I SCORE,

YOU COOPERATE AND ANSWER
ALL MY QUESTIONS ?

I MISS--DINNER FOR TWO, ME AND YOU.

CLOTHING OPTIONAL.

♪♪ [ Hard Rock ]

♪♪ [ Man Singing
Indistinctly ]

[ Muscles Cracking ]OW.

COME ON !

HOLY CRAP.

[ Horn Sounding ]

- MY BROTHERS PLAY HOCKEY...
- [ Spitting ]

FOR THE RANGERS.

MY DAD JUST DIDN'T
SEE ME AS A SOUND
INVESTMENT ANYMORE.

BUT HE GAVE UP ON ME
AND MY MOM LONG BEFORE
I EVER CAME HERE.

MAYBE SEVEN YEARS OF TUITION...

IS A GOOD WAY TO REMIND HIM
THAT YOU'RE STILL ANGRY.

SO, UH, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
AND PREMED RICHARD
BEEN TOGETHER ?

SINCE MY FRESHMAN YEAR.I BET HE'S
A TIGHTY WHITEY GUY.

EXCUSE ME ?WHITE, ELASTIC BAND,
CONSTRICTIVE.

CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY
THE KIND OF DRAWERS THEY WEAR.
LIKE YOU. GRANNY PANTIES.

DOES THAT ALLUDE TO ME
BEING THE PLAIN, BORING TYPE ?NO.

I JUST WANTED A VISUAL.

I THINK IT TAKES A LOT MORE THAN
THE KIND OF UNDERWEAR ONE WEARS
TO DEFINE THEM AS A PERSON.

LIKE WHAT ?LIKE THEIR ACTIONS.

FOR INSTANCE, MOST PEOPLE...

WANT TO GET OUT OF SCHOOL
SO THEY CAN MAKE MONEY.

YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE MONEY
TO STAY IN SCHOOL.

WHY ?I LIKE IT HERE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FUTURE ?

YOU TAKE LIFE
WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.LIFE IS SERIOUS.

I USED TO PARTY
WITH THIS GUY
WHO ONCE TOLD ME,

"VAN, DON'T TAKE LIFE
TOO SERIOUSLY. YOU'LL
NEVER GET OUT ALIVE."

HE USED TO WRITE
FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER.

HE KEPT BABBLING ABOUT
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
LIGHT AND DARK BEER.

YEAH. VERY STRANGE,
BUT GOOD ADVICE.

YOU THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE
TOO MUCH, YOU KIND OF FORGET
ABOUT THE PRESENT...

OBVIOUSLY.

AND I AM REALLY ENJOYING
THE PRESENT RIGHT NOW...

SHARING A PENALTY BOX
AND A TRI-LATTE
WITH GWEN PEARSON...

WHO BELIEVES CENSORSHIP
REFLECTS SOCIETY'S LACK
OF CONFIDENCE IN ITSELF.

YOU ACTUALLY READ THAT ARTICLE ?

OKAY, LOOK,
I READ THE DAMN ARTICLE,
BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE...

BECAUSE IF WORD GETS OUT
THAT I READ, MY REPUTATION--
SHOT TO HELL.

SHE'S SMART, SHE'S
BEAUTIFUL, SHE CAN SKATE.

SHE'S NOT FOR YOU, DUDE.
SHE'S TOO HIGH-STRUNG.

BESIDES, BABES THAT FINE--
[ Scoffs ]

THEY'RE WAY INTO THEMSELVES
AND SHIT. [ Taj ] VAN.

AFTER THIS WEEKEND,
WE SHOULD HAVE SUFFICIENT FUNDS
TO COVER YOUR NEXT TWO PAYMENTS.

I MEAN,
THIS GIRL IS DYNAMITE.

TOO BAD SHE'S DATING
STRAPPER JOHN, M.D.

[ Gasps ]
WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT ?

IN YOUR ROOM A FEW DAYS AGO.

I'M TRYING TO SPARK THIS BONG,
BUT THIS DAMN THING WON'T LIGHT.

THAT'S NO BONG !
IT'S FOR MY SCHLONG !

♪♪ [ Low Tone ]

[ Coughing ]

HOLD ON.
YOU MEAN I PUT MY MOUTH
ON YOUR COCK PUMP ?

OH, DAMN !

[ Gagging ]

[ Tube Shatters ]I HAVE A DATE WITH NAOMI
TOMORROW NIGHT...

AND I JUST WANTED
TO BRING MY "A" GAME.

TAJ, COME ON !
LOOK, THAT'S WHAT
I'M HERE FOR, RIGHT ?

NOW, FOLLOW
MY FOOLPROOF PLAN...

AND I'M GONNA HELP YOU PUT
THE BANG IN BANGLAPUR.

ALL YOU NEED ARE
THE THREE FUNDAMENTALS:
SCENTED CANDLES,

MASSAGE OIL...
AND BARRY WHITE.

WRITE THAT DOWN.

HEY, NO COCK PUMP.NO COCK PUMP.

BARRY WHITE.

I'M GONNA GO WASH MY HANDS NOW. [ Richard ]
OH, GWEN !

YOUR LABIA FEELS SO GOOD
AROUND MY SWOLLEN PHALLUS.

[ Moaning ]
I'M FAIRLY CONFIDENT
I'M GOING TO EJACULATE.

I'M RELEASING MY SEMINAL FLUIDS
INSIDE OF YOU NOW !

[ Grunting ]

[ Glass Shattering ]

[ Winces, Sighs ]

ARE YOU OKAY ?

YEAH. WHY ?

WELL, DIDN'T YOU--WELL, IT'S KIND OF HARD
IN 15 SECONDS.

DAMN IT, GWEN !

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF PRESSURE
I'M UNDER WITH MY EXAMS.
[ Sighs ]

I'M SORRY.NO, LOOK, I'M SORRY.

THIS SEMESTER'S MARKS COULD WELL
DETERMINE THE NEXT TEN YEARS OF
OUR LIVES. YOU REALIZE THAT ?

YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE LIFE
TOO SERIOUSLY.

YOU'LL NEVER
GET OUT ALIVE.

WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ?

I'M LATE
FOR MY STUDY GROUP.

[ Elastic Snapping ]

[ Gordon ]
SHE WAS GETTING AWFULLY CHUMMY
WITH THE RECTAL ITCH.

SON OF A BITCH.
DISAPPEAR !

YES, SUPERIOR LEADER,
SIR.

IT'S TIME TO EXCISE
THAT CANCEROUS LUMP.

FORGET HIM. LET'S CRAP IN THE
CHAPTER ROOM AND MAKE PLEDGES
CLEAN IT UP. IT'LL BE FUN.

I WISH I COULD, GORDO.
I GOT DINNER AT GWEN'S
PARENTS' HOUSE.

SOUNDS SPECIAL.
IS WILDER GONNA BE THERE ?

HEY, GUYS.
HEY, RICHARD.

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU TODAY ?

DEAR VAN--

♪♪ [ Techno ] [ People Chattering
Indistinctly ]

HERE YOU GO, TAJ.
GET YOUR RAVE ON, MAN.THANKS.

"SEE YOU TONIGHT. GWEN."
THE INVITE TO
THE PARENTS' HOUSE.

THIS IS-- THIS IS BIG.
THIS IS VERY, VERY BIG.

DOESN'T SHE HAVE
A BOYFRIEND ?DETAILS.

I'M OFF.
TAJ, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.NO, NO, NO, NO !

I DO NOT THINK
I'M CAPABLE OF HANDLING
SUCH A RESPONSIBILITY.

LISTEN TO ME.
DO YOU KNOW WHY I CHOSE
YOU AS MY ASSISTANT ?

SO YOU COULD TEACH ME
HOW TO MUFF DIVE ?NO.

WELL, YEAH, BUT ALSO...

BECAUSE YOU HAVE
THE POTENTIAL TO BE GREAT.

[ Doorbell Chimes ]

HELLO.HI.

MAY I HELP YOU ?YEAH.

- I'M VAN--
- VAN. YOU MADE IT.

EVELYN, THIS IS ONE
OF YOUR DAUGHTER'S
ACQUAINTANCES FROM SCHOOL.

- THERE'S ROOM FOR ONE MORE ?
- BY ALL MEANS.
COME IN, PLEASE.

DEFINITELY BE OUT
OF THE QUESTION UNLESS
THEY ALL AGREED WITH US...

AND WE TALKED IT OVER.

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.

VAN, THIS IS DR. HENKE,
PROCTOLOGIST.OH !

WELL, HOLY CRAP. I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT ON CALL TONIGHT, HUH ?
[ Chuckles, Groans ]

DR. BEAVERMAN, O.B.-G.Y.N.

VAN WILDER,
G-L-A-D TO MEET YOU.

- AND OF COURSE, GWEN'S FATHER.
- I'M GONNA GO OUT
ON A LIMB HERE.

DR. PEARSON ?

INDEED. INDEED. SUPER.

ALL RIGHT. SO, AM I HERE
FOR A PHYSICAL ?

'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEED
A FEW COCKTAILS BEFORE I START
COUGHING FOR YOU FELLAS.

[ Chuckling ]

- [ Whispering ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?
- I DON'T KNOW.

NO, THANK YOU.

MR. WILDER HERE
IS QUITE THE COLLEGIAN.

HE'S IN HIS,
WHAT, SIXTH YEAR ?

LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN ACTUALLY.

- WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING, SON ?
- I DABBLE IN
A BIT OF EVERYTHING.

I'VE TRIED TO EXPERIENCE
ALL THAT COOLIDGE HAS TO OFFER.

SURELY YOU HAVE
A CAREER IN MIND.

NO, NOT REALLY.
I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THAT
DARE-TO-BE-GREAT SITUATION.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
START LOOKING FOR THAT
DARE-TO-BE-EMPLOYED SITUATION.

THE STUDENT BODY FINDS VAN
SO INTRIGUING THAT
MY EDITOR ASKED ME...

TO DO AN EXPOSEÉ ON HIM
FOR THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.

- WELL, ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL ?
- THAT WILL BE QUITE
THE PAGE-TURNER.

IT'LL BE A VERY WELL-WRITTEN
ARTICLE. GWEN IS AN EXTREMELY
GIFTED JOURNALIST.

ARE YOU AND RICHARD
IN THE SAME FRATERNITY ?

OH, NO, NO.
VAN ISN'T EXACTLY
DELTA IOTA KAPPA MATERIAL.

RICHARD, YOU RASCAL,
YOU NEVER TOLD ME
THAT YOU WERE A DIK.

[ Whispering ]
NOT THAT YOU HAD TO.

I'M GONNA GO GET
ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

RICHARD, WILL YOU
HELP ME OPEN IT ?SURE.

WOW. IF HE'S HERE,
WHO'S RUNNING HELL ?

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING OUT THERE ?PROVING A POINT.

YOUR FRIEND DOESN'T FIT IN.
HE'S A VIRUS, AND
I'M THE VACCINE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE DOING THIS.POP QUIZ. TRUE OR FALSE.

YOU AND THAT G.D.I. HAVE BEEN
SPENDING AN INORDINATE AMOUNT
OF TIME TOGETHER.

TRUE. NOW HERE'S A MULTIPLE
CHOICE QUESTION FOR YOU.
YOU'RE "A," AN ASSHOLE;

"B," AN ASSHOLE WHO ISN'T
STAYING AT MY PLACE TONIGHT,
OR "C," ALL OF THE ABOVE ?

WHAT'S "B" AGAIN ?
GWENNY, I'M KIDDING.
I APOLOGIZE.

- GWENNY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?
- TO GO SAVE VAN.

'CAUSE GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT
MY PARENTS AND THEIR STUCK-UP
FRIENDS ARE DOING TO HIM.

[ Gasping ]

[ Laughter ]

OH ! OKAY ! ALL RIGHT !

YOU'RE A NATURAL, DR. P.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ?

HENKE, YOU'RE UP.
COME ON.ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

EASY, SAILOR.

[ Laughter Continues ]

ALL RIGHT, WILDER, LET'S DANCE.

- IT'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE,
McDOOGLE.
- [ Engine Revving ]

OH, YES. [ Engine Whirring ]

JESUS ! CRIMINY !

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, WILDER ?
DON'T THINK I DON'T REMEMBER.

YOU GOT AN "A" IN MY FRESHMAN
ECONOMICS CLASS. YOU REMEMBER
ONE THING, YOUNG MAN--

APATHY IS THE GLOVE
INTO WHICH EVIL SLIPS ITS HAND.

I'LL WRITE THAT DOWN.

YOU DO THAT.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING
ANYBODY, WILDER !

YOU'RE ONLY FOOLING YOURSELF !

[ Tires Screeching ]

WHY DON'T YOU WALK ?I THINK I'LL WALK FROM HERE.

ARE YOU STALKING ME ?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SUPER.

MY MOM DID WANT ME
TO INVITE YOU TO HER
TUPPERWARE PARTY NEXT WEEK.

WAS THAT A--
JUDGES' RULING.

UH-HUH. YEAH.
I DO BELIEVE THAT
WAS A JOKE.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT
RICHARD DID THE OTHER NIGHT.

IT WAS A REALLY IMMATURE STUNT.

YEAH, I KNOW,

BUT SOMETIMES GUYS
CAN DO SOME PRETTY
CHILDISH THINGS, GWEN.

LET US PROCEED.

- IS HE READY ?
- AH, YEAH, HE'S READY.

- IT'S GO TIME.
- [ Panting ]

[ Dog Whimpers ]

SUCH A GOOD BOY.

OH, STOP FOR A SECOND.
STOP FOR A SECOND. STOP.

OKAY. KEEP GOING.

[ Groans ]
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

SMILE, BUDDY.

LOVELY. IT'S ALL ABOUT
PRESENTATION, GENTLEMEN.

[ Moans ]

[ Hutch ]
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED !

POOR GUY JUST NEEDED
A LITTLE T.L.C.

[ Doorbell Chimes ]

I GOT IT, GUYS.
NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER.

[ Scoffs ]
LET THE DAMN BABY
HAVE HIS BALL BACK.

THANK YOU, BROTHERS.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE CAN SEE
OUT OF IT ANYWAY. LOSER.

AWESOME WORK, SISTERS.

SPECIAL DELIVERY, RICHARD !

TIME-OUT.WHAT THE FUCK, JEANNIE ?

"FROM THE SISTERS
OF SIGMA THETA TAU."
WELL, DIG IN, GUYS.

MMM.

OH, THEY'RE STILL WARM.

SO CREAMY. [ Richard ]
THEY'RE AWESOME !

OH !

[ Gargling ]

[ Gordon ]
OH, THEY'RE SO CREAMY.

GOD, THESE ARE EXCELLENT.

UM, GUYS ? RICHARD ?

HMM ? HMM ?

[ Boy ]
I THINK I'VE HAD THESE BEFORE.

RICHARD.

- [ Gagging ]
- OH, MY GOD !

♪♪ [ Slow Soul ] [ Girl ]
I LOVE THIS SONG.

I KNOW.
IT IS THE WHITE BARRY.

IS THAT FOR ME ?

I LONG TO RUB YOU
THE RIGHT WAY.

YOU'RE SUCH A BAD
LITTLE BADALANDABAD.

[ Speaking Native Language ]

NO HARM, NO FOUL.

- [ Screams ]
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

NEVER BETTER,
MY LITTLE JASMINE FLOWER.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Moans Softly ]

THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

[ Moaning Continues ]
OH, MY GOD !

OH, TAJY !

TAKE ME.

I WANT YOU NOW. NOW !

SHIT !

[ Moans ]
DON'T TEASE ME.

THIS IS THE CULMINATION
OF MY BEING.

BABY, I'M ABOUT TO CULMINATE.
NOW GET OVER HERE.

OH, TAJY, I'M SO HOT.

- I FEEL ON FIRE.
- OH, YEAH, ME TOO, BABY.

BURNING UP. OH, YEAH, BABY,
I'M BURNING UP.

YOU ARE MOST AMAZING
TO MAKE ME FEEL SO...

DAMN HOT !
[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

I WONDER HOW
T-BAD'S DATE'S GOING.

WELL, SCENTED CANDLES,
MASSAGE OILS, BARRY WHITE.

YEAH, WE CAN'T BE TOO FAR
FROM CLIMAX, HUH ?

- [ Screaming ]
- WHOA !

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

WHY DO I ALWAYS FAIL ?YOU PUT TOO MUCH PRESSURE
ON YOURSELF.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY.
I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

MORE IMPORTANTLY,

WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT...
IT'LL HAPPEN.

YOU'LL FIND THE ONE.

HI. I NEED TO SEE
THE GRADE TRANSCRIPTS
FOR VAN WILDER, PLEASE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

STUDENT TRANSCRIPTS
ARE CONFIDENTIAL. SORRY.

♪♪ [ Hip-hop, Indistinct ]

[ Fire Alarm Ringing ][ Gasping ]

SWIM TEAM REALLY DOES
NEED YOUR LOVE, FOLKS.

AND IF MILTY MINGLETON
CAN SHOVE HIMSELF...

INTO THAT WEENIE BIKINI...

THEN YOU DON'T NEED
TO BE SHY ABOUT MAKING
YOUR DONATIONS NOW !

[ Bathing Suit Squeaking ]

[ Cheering Stops ]

WHOO !

ALL RIGHT !

THANK YOU, MILTY !

AFTER WE PUT ALL THE WATER
BACK IN THE POOL,

WE'LL BE ACCEPTING DONATIONS
IN THE FORM OF...

CASH, VISA
AND FULL-FRONTAL NUDITY.

HUTCH, TAKE OVER.

[ Hutch ]
THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.
SAVE THE SWIM TEAM.

HI, GWEN.

BIKINI-CLAD JUDGES
FOR A FUND-RAISER ?
THAT'S PRETTY INGENIOUS.

SEX SELLS, GWEN.
SEX SELLS.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE
FOR YOU TO ENTER THE DOUBLES
BREASTSTROKE IF YOU LIKE.

NO, THANKS. I FORGOT MY SUIT.
I JUST CAME ACROSS A BIT
OF INTERESTING INFORMATION.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK. THE VET
ASSURED ME THAT CANINE SEMEN
IS PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

IN FACT, SURPRISINGLY RICH--

YOU'VE BEEN 18 UNITS SHY
OF GRADUATING FOR THE PAST
SIX SEMESTERS.

WHOA. YOU, UH, WENT KLEPTO
ON MY TRANSCRIPTS.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU, VAN ?
YOU'RE ACTIVELY TRYING
NOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, HUH ?
DO YOU EVER STOP PLAYING
THE IN-DEPTH REPORTER ?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY
YOU'RE PUTTING OFF YOUR LIFE.

NOT FOR THE PAPER.
FOR ME.

WELL, I HAVE NO COMMENT...

FOR EITHER OF YOU.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Woman ]
♪ WHO WANTS TO BE ORDINARY

♪ IN A CRAZY, MIXED-UP WORLD

♪ I DON'T CARE
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ♪

♪ AS LONG AS I'M YOUR GIRL

♪ HEY, YOU WERE
ON MY SIDE ♪

♪ AND THEY
THEY JUST ROLLED THEIR EYES ♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]

EXTERNAL OCCIPITAL
PROTUBERANCE.

POSTERIOR GLUTEAL LINE.

DORSAL APPENDAGE. GWEN.

WAS THE LAST ONE RIGHT ?YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WRONG ! THE DORSAL
APPENDAGE EXISTS ONLY IN
MARINE-EQUIPPED MAMMALIA.

I KNEW YOU WEREN'T LISTENING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ?

NOTHING. I'M FINE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,
GO GRAB A BEER.

ARE YOU INSANE ?
YOU KNOW MY MIDTERM
AND FINALS RITUAL.

I STUDY TILL 11:00.
NINE SOLID HOURS OF SLEEP.

[ Together ]
PROTEIN SHAKE IN THE MORNING.

OKAY, VERY CUTE.
AND ALSO CORRECT.

WHICH GIVES US TWO HOURS
AND 53 MINUTES OF STUDY TIME.

SO, HONEY, PLEASE FOCUS.
ALL RIGHTY ?

I HAVE CONFIRMATIONS
FROM THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN CLUB,

THE GAY AND LESBIAN CAUCUS,
MECCA, HEPA, PETA.

THIS MULTI-COALITION PARTY
WAS A MASTERFUL PLAN.

IT SHOULD TRIPLE OUR INCOME.
I JUST HOPE IT'S ENOUGH.

VAN, YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME.

WE ARE MERELY ONE PARTY AWAY
FROM ACCOMPLISHING OUR GOAL.

SHE'S RIGHT, HUH ?
WHAT IF I'M AVOIDING
GRADUATION BECAUSE I'M SCARED ?

LISTEN TO YOURSELF, MEATHEAD.
YOU'VE NEVER DOUBTED YOURSELF
IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

THIS GIRL'S GOT YOU THINKING,
MAN. IT'S NOT GOOD.

NOT GOOD AT ALL.HEY, YOU !

PLEASE MOVE BANNER
A SKOSH HIGHER, HUH ?

HEY.
YOU GOT ALL THIS.

I'M GONNA GO, UH--
I'M GONNA MAKE SOME CALLS
FOR THE PARTY, OKAY ?

HI, VAN.HI, DONNA.

HEY, VAN.OH, HEY, GUYS.

[ Gasps ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE ?I HAD TO TALK TO YOU.

I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT
WHAT YOU SAID, AND, UH--

WELL, JUST--

JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

YEAH. DOODLES.

I ATTENDED CLASS TODAY.
JUST ABOUT STAYED
THE WHOLE TIME TOO.

I'M GLAD YOU WENT
TO ALL YOUR CLASSES TODAY.

AND A FEW THAT WEREN'T MINE.
STEPPED INTO THE WRONG ONE.
LIKED WHAT I HEARD, STAYED.

[ Gwen ]
THAT'S GREAT.
IT REALLY IS.

IT REALLY IS.
BUT DON'T DO IT FOR ME.

DO IT FOR YOU.MAYBE I'M DOING IT
FOR BOTH OF US.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN
BE TALKING TO YOU LIKE THIS.

- AND I SHOULDN'T BE IN
THE WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM !
- SHUT UP.

BUT SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA LET
YOUR HEART LEAD YOU...

EVEN IF YOU KNOW
IT'S SOMEPLACE YOU KNOW
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE.

HOW OFTEN DOES YOUR HEART
LEAD YOU INTO THE WOMEN'S
LOCKER ROOM ?

- THIS WOULD BE A FIRST.
- WHY DO I FIND THAT
HARD TO BELIEVE ?

I'M NOT SAYING THAT
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN HERE BEFORE.

I'M SAYING IT'S USUALLY
A DIFFERENT PART OF MY ANATOMY
THAT DOES THE LEADING.

OH, MY GOD.

[ Jeannie ] I JUST COULDN'T
BELIEVE IT. GWEN AND VAN
IN THE WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM.

I JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING--[ Hangs Phone Up ]

[ Beeps ]

I'M SORRY, FELLAS.
THE BAKERY'S CLOSED.

I'M HERE TO ENLIST
YOUR SERVICES.LET ME GUESS.

"COME AS YOUR FAVORITE
DRUNK-ON-JIS,
COME-GARGLING FRAT BOY PARTY ?"

THEN YOUR MOM CAN COME.

IT'S GONNA BE
A BACHELOR PARTY.

ONE LAST NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY
WITH THE FELLAS BEFORE SETTLING
DOWN WITH MY FIANCEÉE, GWEN.

OH, PLEASE, YOU DIDN'T
THINK SHE'D BE INTERESTED
IN A FUCKUP LIKE YOU, DID YOU ?

OH, VAN, VAN, VAN, VAN,
VAN, VAN, VAN,

VAN, VAN.

HMPH.

THAT OUGHT TO BE ENOUGH
TO GET YOU STARTED.

[ Laughing ]

[ Line Ringing ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

HELLO ?

[ Van ]
GWEN ?CASEY.

I'M JUST USING GWEN'S COMPUTER.IS GWEN THERE ? I REALLY
NEED TO TALK TO HER.

SHE'S AT RICHARD'S GETTING
READY FOR THE ENGAGEMENT
DINNER TONIGHT. MESSAGE ?

NOPE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

BYE.
THANKS FOR COMING.

AH, LINDSEY AND ROB MAKE
SUCH A GREAT COUPLE,
DON'T YOU THINK ?

YEAH, I'M HAPPY FOR THEM.YEAH.

THEY'RE GONNA MAKE A GREAT
MARRIED COUPLE TOO.
YOU KNOW WHY ?

BECAUSE THEY LOVE
EACH OTHER ?BECAUSE THEY'RE COMPATIBLE.

IT'S LIKE A HEART TRANSPLANT
PATIENT FINDING A DONOR
WITH THE SAME BLOOD TYPE...

AND JUST THE RIGHT
CHROMOSOME ANOMALIES.

A PERFECT MATCH...
CONNECTED FOREVER.

YEAH, BUT THAT WOULD MEAN
ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE
TO BE DEAD.

GWENNY, I'M JUST SAYING
THAT THEY'RE--
THEY'RE A MATCH.

JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.

UH-HUH.
LOOKY, GIRL.

GWENDOLYN ELIZABETH PEARSON,

I'D BE HONORED
IF YOU AND I SURGICALLY
AND SPIRITUALLY...

GRAFTED OUR LIVES TOGETHER.

RICHARD, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

JUST SAY YES, BECAUSE
I'VE GOT EVEN MORE
AMAZING NEWS.

NORTHWESTERN CALLED
THIS MORNING.
THEY WANNA INTERVIEW ME.

THEY'RE GONNA SEND SOME
RECRUIT ALUMS TO CAMPUS
FOR WRITTEN AND ORAL EXAMS.

AND THEN I AM IN !
WHOO !

OH, MAN, NORTHWESTERN.

THAT'S GREAT.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU,
RICHARD.

GWENNY, BE HAPPY FOR BOTH
OF US. THE RICHARD AND GWEN
LIFE PLAN IS KICKING IN.

NORTHWESTERN.
I AM THE SHIT.

OH ! AND YOUR FATHER WANTS
TO GET US A PLACE OVER IN FOREST
GROVE AS AN ENGAGEMENT PRESENT.

MY PARENTS KNOW ABOUT THIS ?YEAH, I TOLD EVERYONE.

[ Scoffs ]WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?

I'M NOT SURE,
AND FOR SOME REASON...

I FEEL REALLY GOOD
ABOUT THAT.

♪♪ [ Stereo:
Slow Rock Ballad ]

HEY, VAN, CAN I BORROW--
MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU ?

- I GOT HIT BY A BIG TRUCK.
- ARE YOU OKAY ?

[ Singing With Stereo ]
♪ I'M ALL OUT OF LOVE
I'M SO LOST WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT

♪ BELIEVING FOR SO LONG ♪♪ [ Discordant Chord ]

DOPE SONG.
WHAT'S IT CALLED ?

"GWEN USED ME FOR HER STORY,
THEN MARRIED AN ASS WIPE...

AND RAN OVER MY HEART
WITH A BIG METAPHORICAL TRUCK."

ORIGINALLY PERFORMED
BY AIR SUPPLY.

WHO'S AIR SUPPLY ?

HOW OLD ARE YOU, SALLY ?

I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE JEALOUS
OF THAT GWEN GIRL.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

OKAY, YOU CAN DO THIS.

♪ I'M ALL OUT OF LOVE

♪ I'M SO LOST
WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT
BELIEVING FOR SO LONG ♪♪

YOU MUST BE GWEN--
THE TRUCK DRIVER.

[ Van ]
GWEN.

HEY. EXCUSE ME.
GWEN !

HEY, HOLD UP A SECOND.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

WHAT AM I DOING HERE ?
WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE ?

AS SMASHED AS I AM,
I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT'S MY ROOM, WASN'T IT ?

-WHAT WAS THAT GIRL,
A FRESHMAN ?
-SHE READS AT A SOPHOMORE LEVEL.

THIS WAS A BIG MISTAKE, VAN.
I'M LEAVING.

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE ?
DID YOU COME TO HIRE ME
TO DO YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY ?

'CAUSE YOUR PARTY PIMP
HAS ALREADY BEEN BOOKED
BY YOUR FIANCEÉ.

MY FIANCEÉ ?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? WHEN ARE YOU TYING THE KNOT ?

SERIOUSLY, I'D REALLY
LIKE TO HOLD THAT DATE OPEN.

THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT.

YOU'RE NONE OF MINE.

[ Gordon ] SOUNDS TO ME LIKE
YOUR RECTAL ITCH WAS GETTING
A LATE-NIGHT BOOTY SCRATCH.

FIRST, MY BITCH TURNS DOWN
MY PROPOSAL. THEN SHE RUNS
STRAIGHT INTO THAT LOSER'S ARMS.

NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE MY BITCH IS.

WILDER'S GOT SOME BIG BLOWOUT
PLANNED FOR TONIGHT. MAYBE
YOUR BITCH IS GONNA BE THERE.

YOU DO NOT CALL HER THAT,
GONAD !

HEY, GUYS.
JUST GIVING YOU ALL THE 411.

I'M A COUNSELOR
FOR THE FURTHER LEADERS
OF AMERICA'S OVERNIGHTER.

BUT THE BUS DOESN'T LEAVE
FOR A FEW HOURS. IS THERE
ANYTHING I CAN DO BEFORE I GO ?

OKAY, LISTEN UP.
WE'VE GOT ONE QUICK
STOP OFF BEFORE WE GO.

[ Boy ]
TIT WAD !

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, MAN.
ENJOY YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT, SISTER.
ENJOY YOURSELF.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE.

HOW YOU DOING,
MY MAN ?WHAT'S UP ?

I HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,
UH, MING, BUT YOU AIN'T ASIAN.

MAN, YOU EVER HEARD
OF TIGER WOODS, BITCH ?

BOY, YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE I HIT YOU UPSIDE
THE HEAD WITH A THREE IRON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ?
ENJOY YOURSELF.

WHAT'S WRONG, DOG ?NOTHING. I JUST DON'T FEEL
MUCH LIKE PARTYING TONIGHT.

THAT'S A FIRST.

HEY, VAN. I JUST WANTED TO
COME BY AND EXTEND
AN OLIVE BRANCH.

I.D., PLEASE.WELL, IT'S A TERRIBLE
PICTURE OF ME, BUT--

WELL, I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF--
WHOA, HO, HO !

THERE'S NOTHING FAKE
ABOUT THIS I.D.

DID YOU SIT BEHIND ME
TWO SEMESTERS AGO ?

I THINK I REMEMBER THIS BEHIND.
I MEAN, YOU SITTING BEHIND ME.

THIS WHOLE RIVALRY THING
HAS BECOME A TAD CHILDISH.

WELL, I HOPE WE CAN PUT IT
ALL BEHIND US AND BE FRIENDS.

THAT'S WHAT GWEN WANTS.YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA
WHAT GWEN WANTS.

SAY HI TO YOUR GERBIL
FOR ME.

♪♪ [ Rock ]

OKAY, KIDS.

THIS IS OUR UNCLE JAÄGER.

THAT'S RIGHT.
DRINK UP.

THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SCOTCH ?

OOP, GOTTA GO.
SORRY. BYE.

BYE-BYE. CALL ME.

GENTLEMEN.

TROOPER.HEY.

WE GOT AN ANONYMOUS TIP...

THAT THERE'S SOME
UNDERAGE DRINKING GOING ON HERE.HUTCH ?

HELL NO, MAN. I'VE BEEN
AT THE DOOR ALL NIGHT.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
HAVE FUN, GUYS.

ALL RIGHT, TREVOR.
STAY COOL.

I LOVE YOU, MAN.NO, MAN.

I LOVE YOU.[ Belches ]

THOSE CIRCUS MIDGETS
CANNOT HOLD THEIR BOOZE !

[ Siren Wails ]

DON'T WORRY, VAN.
WE'LL GET YOU OUT, MAN.

[ Chuckling ]

[ All Groaning ]

DELTA IOTA KAPPA RULES !

[ Ringing ][ Answering Machine Beeps ]

DAMN IT, GWEN, PICK IT UP.
I KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

YOU KNOW
I HAVE MY NORTHWESTERN
INTERVIEW NEXT WEEK.

LOOK, I NEED YOU
TO HELP ME "RELEASE"...

SOME... PRESSURE.

YOU KNOW,
HELP ME "RELAX."

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, I'M TALKING
ABOUT INTERCOURSE. I KNOW
YOU HAD A FLING WITH WILDER.

AND... IT'S OKAY.
YOU JUST HAD TO GET IT
OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

I JUST HOPE
YOU USED SOME PROTECTION.

AND I WOULDN'T WANT
OUR FUTURE CHILDREN
TO BE TAINTED...

BECAUSE MOMMY WENT SLUMMING
ONE NIGHT BACK IN COLLEGE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO "RELEASE"
YOUR OWN PRESSURE ?

OH, AND JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR.
I'M TELLING YOU TO GO
FUCK YOURSELF !

HI, PARTNER IN CRIME.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN
DO FOR YOU TODAY ?

OH, MY GOD !
WE MAKE SUCH THE FAB TEAM !

LAST NIGHT, I WAS SO LIKE BONNIE
AND YOU WERE SO LIKE CLYDE.
AND NOW THIS.

WOULD YOU SHUT UP ?
I'M TRYING TO PLEASURE YOU.

SORRY, RICHARD.
PLEASURE AWAY.

- P.S., THIS IS
AN AWESOME ROOM.
- P.S., SHUT THE FUCK UP !

HERE, I'M DONE...
WITH ALL OF THIS.

THE WILDER STORY'S NOT DONE.WHY DON'T YOU READ IT
BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE ?

HE GOT EXPELLED TODAY.
IS THAT IN YOUR STORY ?

'CAUSE IT SHOULD BE.

IS VAN HERE ?HE DON'T WANNA SEE YOU.

EXCUSE ME ? LOOK.

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE ?HOME WRECKER.

♪♪ [ Slow Rock ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Man ]
♪ SHE SAID I'LL TRY TO MAKE
THIS PAINLESS IF I CAN ♪

♪ SHE WAS SORRY

♪ AND THEN SHE BEGAN TO CRY

♪ COULDN'T LOOK ME
IN THE EYE ♪

OH, THANK YOU !
THANK YOU !

OUT OF MY WAY !
WHOO !

♪♪ [ Fades ]

STOP PACKING !
YOU CAN APPEAL THE EXPULSION.
IT'S HERE IN THE SCHOOL CHARTER.

"ANY STUDENT HAS THE RIGHT TO
APPEAL AN EXPULSION BEFORE THE
UNIVERSITY JUDICIAL BOARD...

AND STATE HIS OR HER CASE
WITHIN 48 HOURS
OF BEING DISCHARGED."

DO YOU WANT MY HOT TUB
OR SHOULD I JUST GIVE IT
TO MILTY ?

WE CAN GET THE LAW CLUB TO HELP.
THEY OWE YOU AFTER THE "SUE ME,
SCREW ME" SOIREE YOU THREW.

THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
UM, I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED.

- YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME--
- IT'S OVER, TAJ !

FUCK YOU, VAN WILDER !

YOU HEARD ME.
I SAY-- I SAY,

FUCK YOU, YOU-YOU-YOU--

YOU-- YOU--

YOU PUSSY ASS MOTHERFUCKER !

YOU-- YOU DICKSUCKER !

DON'T SUGAR COAT IT, TAJ.

TELL ME HOW YOU REALLY FEEL.
SEVEN YEARS.

SEVEN YEARS !
I'VE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING !

THERE'S NO REASON TO
STAY HERE ANYMORE !

SURE, SURE.
YOU'VE MADE TONS OF FRIENDS...

WHO IN THE DROP OF A RUBY
WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN MUCH.
AND WHO CARES ABOUT SICK BOY
AND THE CHARITIES YOU'VE HELPED,

AND ALL OF OUR ATHLETICS--
THOSE ARE ALL SO MINUSCULE ?

AND I GUESS SO IS A PROMISE...

MADE TO
A WET-BEHIND-THE-EARS KID
FROM INDIA WHOSE ONLY DREAM...

WAS TO BURY HIS FACE
IN A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN'S
LOTUS PATCH.

- TAJ--
- YOU HAVE SHOWN ME A LIFE
I COULD ONLY DREAM ABOUT...

BACK HOME WHILE MASTURBATING
IN MY FATHER'S WOODSHED.

MOST IMPORTANTLY,
YOU SAW POTENTIAL...

IN ME.

IF YOU DO NOT SEE
POTENTIAL IN YOURSELF,
THEN YOU ARE A BLIND MAN.

I'M LEAVING. THEN LEAVE.

BUT LEAVE THE HONORABLE WAY.

YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT
DARE TO BE GREAT SITUATION.

IT IS AT YOUR DOORSTEP.

VAN !

WE NEED TO TALK.

GET ME THE LAW CLUB.

IT'S RIDICULOUS !
IT'S PREPOSTEROUS !

IT'S LUDICROUS !
BY GOD, IT'S IMPETUOUS !

- SO DOES THAT MEAN
YOU GONNA HELP US ?
- OH, IT'S ON.

♪♪ [ Rap, Indistinct ]

[ Crowd Chanting ]
LET VAN STAY !
LET VAN STAY ! LET VAN STAY !

LET VAN STAY !
LET VAN STAY !

WE ARE NOW IN SESSION.
MR. WILDER.

YOU WERE FOUND TO BE IN
VIOLATION OF ARTICLE 2, SECTION
"B" OF COOLIDGE'S BYLAWS--

SOLICITING OF ALCOHOL
TO EXTREME MINORS,

WHICH IS GROUNDS
FOR IMMEDIATE EXPULSION.

YOU HAVE OPTED TO APPEAL.

THE FLOOR IS YOURS.

[ Clears Throat ]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AS YOU KNOW, UM,

I'VE BEEN A STUDENT HERE
FOR SEVEN YEARS, AND I'VE--

LET VAN STAY !
LET VAN STAY ! LET VAN STAY !

- [ People Gasping ]
- [ Car Alarm Wailing ]

[ Gavel Pounding ] [ Moomey ]
ORDER ! ORDER !

SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE.

- CONTINUE, MR. WILDER.
- [ Man Over Bullhorn ]
I'M OKAY.

I'VE LEARNED A LOT HERE...
AT COOLIDGE.

UH, LET THE RECORD SHOW
THAT, UH,

WHEN I ATTENDED CLASS,

I DID RECEIVE
EXEMPLARY MARKS.

HOWEVER, IT WAS
ONLY WHEN I MET, UH,
A SPECIAL SOMEONE,

THAT I REALIZED
WHAT I WAS DOING--

HIDING.

SEE, AFTER THIS IS REAL LIFE,
AND I WASN'T READY FOR THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY EXACTLY.
I DO KNOW...

THAT I DON'T WANNA END UP
LIKE MY FATHER WHOSE WHOLE LIFE
REVOLVES AROUND WORK.

BUT I SEE THAT NOW.

AND, UH,
I'M READY TO MOVE ON.

WELL, THAT'S THAT.
GOOD LUCK, LOSER.
WHO'S READY FOR LUNCH ?

- MR. BAGG, YOU WILL BE QUIET.
- WHAT'S ANY OF THIS GOT TO DO
WITH THE FACT...

THAT HE'S GUILTY
OF AN INFRACTION
THAT DESERVES EXPULSION ?

- MR. WILDER ?
- [ Clears Throat ]

I CAN'T ARGUE
AGAINST THE INFRACTION.

I WAS RESPONSIBLE
FOR THAT PARTY, SO WHAT
HAPPENED WAS MY FAULT.

I'M HERE TO LAY MYSELF AT THE
MERCY OF THIS COURT AND SUGGEST
AN ALTERNATIVE PUNISHMENT.

MAKE ME GRADUATE.

IF YOU'LL KINDLY TAKE
A LOOK AT MY TRANSCRIPTS,

YOU'LL SEE THAT I'M A MERE
18 UNITS SHY OF GRADUATING WITH
A DEGREE IN LEISURE STUDIES.

I AM PLEADING TO THIS
COMMITTEE, REINSTATE ME.

LET ME AUDIT MY LAST SIX
CLASSES, TAKE THE FINALS AND
LEAVE COOLIDGE WITH A DEGREE.

GOD, I'VE... BLED...

CRIMSON AND BLUE
FOR NEARLY A DECADE.

THIS SCHOOL
HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH.
LET ME REPAY COOLIDGE...

BY PARTING WAYS
AS A GRADUATE.

[ Applause ]

WHAT ARE THE COURSES
MR. WILDER NEEDS IN ORDER
TO GRADUATE ?

BIOLOGY, ENGLISH LIT,
CALCULUS, ECONOMICS,

SOCIOLOGY
AND POLITICAL SCIENCE. WOW.

- THAT'S QUITE A LOAD.
- WELL, VAN CAN HANDLE
QUITE A LOAD.

IF WE EXPEL HIM,
THERE COULD BE SOME SORT
OF A COUP D'EÉTAT.

HE BROKE A RULE.
HE SHOULD PAY THE CONSEQUENCES. WELL, LET'S TAKE A VOTE.

THERE'S FIVE OF US HERE.
MAJORITY RULES.

I VOTE REINSTATEMENT.

MR. BAGG ?EXPULSION.

MISS HAVER ?REINSTATEMENT...

OVER AND OVER.

OKAY. UH, MRS. SEAY ?

- EXPULSION.
- PROFESSOR McDOOGLE ?

YOU KNOW, I'VE WAITED
A LONG, LONG TIME
FOR THIS DAY TO COME.

EITHER WAY, VAN WILDER'S TENURE
HERE AT COOLIDGE IS OVER.

LET'S SEE WHAT
THE KID'S MADE OF.

HE'S IN ! HE'S IN !

HEY, JEANNIE.LOOK.

I JUST WANTED TO EXPLAIN
ABOUT THE WHOLE, YOU KNOW,
RICHARD THING.

ME AND RICHARD'S UNSPOKEN BOND
BLOSSOMED THE OTHER NIGHT
IN ONE BEAUTIFUL,

SYMBIOTIC ACT.

- WHAT SORT OF ACT ?
- MESSING UP THAT
VAN WILDER PARTY.

AND THEN WE BUMPED UGLIES.

IT WAS THE BEST
TEN SECONDS EVER.

- EVER.
- YES, THESE INTERVIEWS ARE
SOMEWHAT OF A FORMALITY,

BUT I THINK IT'S CRUCIAL
WE LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE
GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER.

GWENNY. GWENNY.

AH, I KNEW YOU'D COME
TO YOUR SENSES.HELLO, RICHARD.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
I KNOW WE HAVE A LOT OF SURGERY
TO PERFORM ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.

BUT RIGHT NOW I AM PREPPING
FOR THE BIGGEST MOMENT
OF OUR LIVES.

I HAVE A WRITTEN EXAM FIRST,
AND THEN AN INTERVIEW WITH
FIVE NORTHWESTERN ALUMS.

[ Giggles ]
ALL DOCTORS.

THAT'S WHY I CAME--
TO HELP MAKE YOU YOUR SHAKE.

THAT'D BE TERRIFIC, GWENNY.I'LL SEE YOU DOWNSTAIRS.

OH, BUT HURRY.
INTERVIEW'S IN A HALF-HOUR,
OTHER SIDE OF CAMPUS.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

NORTHWESTERN !
I AM THE SHIT.YOU CERTAINLY WILL BE.

OH, GWENNY,
THANK YOU.

MMM !

GOOD LUCK, HONEY.
YOU DESERVE IT.

YEAH.

I CERTAINLY DO.
[ Belches ]

♪♪ [ Pop, Indistinct ]

[ Stomach Groaning ]

[ Farts ]OW.

[ Loud Farting ]

[ Stomach Gurgling ][ Whimpers ]

[ Loud Farting ]

[ Indistinct ]

- [ Farts ]
- [ Groans ]

[ Panting ]

CYTOSINE.NOTHIN' BUT NET, MY MAN.

NOW REMEMBER,
BEFORE ANY FINAL,
TAKE A PREGAME DUMP.

- [ Farts ]
- [ Whimpering ]

[ Loud Moan ]

[ Farting Continues ]

THANKS FOR COMING IN.
YOU DID A GREAT JOB,
REALLY.

RICHARD ! I WAS JUST
TALKING ABOUT YOU.[ Stomach Gurgles ]

HEY, SURPRISE.
I'M ON YOUR ORAL EXAM BOARD.

LOOK, COME IN HERE.
I WANT YOU TO MEET
YOUR FUTURE ALUMNI.

I GOTTA GO--NO, COME ON.
IT'S A GREAT TIME.

LOOK, IT'S RICHARD. [ Stomach Rumbling ]

FINISHED HIS WRITTEN EXAM
IN ONLY 20 MINUTES.
THIS KID IS A DYNAMO.

RICHARD, I WANT YOU TO MEET
DR. STERN.

- DR. FINE.
- IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, MR. BAGG.

- I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.
- [ Whimpering ]

DR. BROWN. THESE ORALS ARE SOMETHING
OF A FORMALITY.

- WE JUST WANT TO
GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER.
- [ Stomach Rumbling ]

AND DR. SMELNICK.

RICHARD, IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO SAY ?

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WANT
TO GET SOMETHING OUT, SON.

[ Loud Farting ]

- OH, MY GOD !
- [ Screaming ]

[ Farting ]

- VILE.
- OH, IT BURNS !
[ Gasps ]

- I'M BLEEDING !
- DEAR GOD, THAT'S WRETCHED.

[ Farts ][ Screams ]

"OH, I KEPT THE FIRST
FOR ANOTHER DAY.

"YET KNOWING HOW WAY
LEADS ON TO WAY,

I DOUBTED IF I SHOULD
EVER COME BACK."

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT
ROBERT FROST WAS TRYING
TO EXPRESS HERE.

I'M GONNA NEED AT LEAST
ONE MORE BOOKLET.

WHAT ? [ TV Reporter ]
IN OTHER SCHOOL NEWS,

WE HAVE AN UPDATE
ON THE "WILDER WATCH."

A RIGOROUS DAY HAS BEEN
A SUCCESS FOR VAN THE MAN.

FIVE FINALS IN THE CAN
WITH PROFESSOR McDOOGLE'S
ADVANCED ECON FINAL TO GO.

VAN ? VAN !

VAN ! VAN, WAKE UP,
WAKE UP, WAKE UP.OKAY.

YOUR FINAL'S IN EXACTLY
SEVEN MINUTES !ALL RIGHT.

♪♪ [ Rock ]

[ Man ]
♪ IT'S FUNNY HOW
YOU'RE THE SAME ♪

♪ I NEVER WANT TO
GO BACK ♪

♪ AND I'M SORRY
I EVER CAME ♪♪

IT'S THE MOMENT OF TRUTH,
PEOPLE.

[ Bell Tolling ][ Grunts ]

AH, MR. WILDER. I'M SO
GLAD YOU COULD FIT US INTO
YOUR SCHEDULE THIS MORNING.

WOULDN'T MISS IT
FOR THE WORLD, SIR.

ALL RIGHT.

PASS THESE OUT.
THANK YOU.

IT'S GETTING TO BE
THAT TIME OF THE HOUR.

AND YOUR TIME IS UP,
MR. WILDER. PENCILS DOWN.

THANK YOU.

[ Gwen ] FOR FOUR YEARS,
I HAVE BEEN GROOMING MYSELF
FOR THE REAL WORLD.

AND I, LIKE MANY OF US, DEFINE
THE REAL WORLD AS THE STUFF
THAT HAPPENS AFTER GRADUATION.

BUT I WAS WRONG.
IT TOOK A MAN BY THE NAME
OF VAN WILDER TO TEACH ME THAT.

YOU'VE ALL UNDOUBTEDLY
BEEN TO ONE OF VAN'S PARTIES.

HE'S PROBABLY TOUCHED
YOUR LIFE IN SOMEWAY,
WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT.

WATCH VAN DO BELLY FLOPS
INTO A POOL,

BUT MAKE SURE YOU SEE
THAT HE'S RAISED $5,000 TO GIVE
THE SWIM TEAM A NEXT SEASON.

AS YOU'RE ALL AWARE,
VAN WAS ALMOST EXPELLED.

WHAT YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW
IS THAT HE WAS SET UP BY A
PATHETIC, EGOMANIACAL FRAT BOY,

ONE WHO THIS REPORTER
KNOWS FIRSTHAND TO HAVE
A SERIOUS PROBLEM...

WITH PREMATURE EJACULATION. [ Farts ]

AND IN REACTION
TO THIS LYNCHING,

VAN PUT IN MORE EFFORT
IN SIX DAYS THAN MOST
HAVE ALL SEMESTER.

WIN OR LOSE, WE SHOULD THANK HIM
FOR REMINDING US WHAT
WE'RE ALL CAPABLE OF.

THAT'S SIMPLY WHAT HE DOES--

HE INSPIRES THE UNINSPIRED.

VAN. HURRY. THE NIGHT
OF FUN AND FORNICATION'S
UPON US.

HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD
FROM GWEN ?

UM, NO, SHE--
SHE HASN'T YET CALLED BACK.

RIGHT. I'LL BE DOWN
IN A MINUTE, OKAY ?

OKAY.SEE YA, "V."

[ Knocking ]

WILDER.

McDOOGLE.

JESUS. THIS IS SOME PAD
YOU GOT HERE.

DECORATED IN EARLY FUCK.

WELL, I MADE IT A POINT
TO PERSONALLY COME
DOWN HERE, WILDER.

I WANTED TO GIVE YOU THE RESULTS
OF YOUR TEST FIRSTHAND.

AND JUST AS I EXPECTED,

YOU SUCCEEDED.

NINETY-ONE PERCENT.WHAT ?

I'M PROUD OF YOU, WILDER.

I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL THESE
YEARS FOR YOU TO REALIZE
YOUR POTENTIAL.

THAT'S WHY YOU AND I
HAD FRICTION ?

I THOUGHT IT WAS
'CAUSE I FOOLED AROUND WITH
YOUR DAUGHTER FRESHMAN YEAR.

WHY ? WHAT--
YOU FOOLED AROUND
WITH MY DAUGHTER ?

WHAT ?

♪♪ [ Rock ]

HEY, I KNOW YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.YOU'RE THE BEST, VAN.

HEY, I COULDN'T HAVE
DID IT WITHOUT YOU.
APPRECIATE IT.

I NEED YOU TO FILL UP
THE WHOLE THING WITH ICE.
PACK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN INSIDE.

OKAY ? EXCUSE ME.
I'M SORRY.I'M SORRY.

HI.

MY NAME IS
ORISSA PUNJAB NIZAMABAD.

- HI.
- I'VE JUST TRANSFERRED HERE
FROM BANGLAPUR.

HEY. EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU TELL ME...

WHERE I MIGHT FIND
THE RADDEST FUCKING
DUDE ALIVE ?

YEAH, BY THE POOL, GRAMPS.

HEY, I KNOW YOU, MAN !
OH, FUCK.

CONGRATULATIONS, VAN.
I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

DAD ! I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE HERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU GRADUATED.

A FRIEND OF YOURS...
SENT ME THIS.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, VAN,
GRADUATION OR NO GRADUATION.

THANK YOU. AND I'M...
SORRY THAT I SPENT...

SUCH A BUTTLOAD OF
YOUR MONEY FOR SO LONG.[ Chuckles ]

IT'S BY FAR
THE BEST INVESTMENT
I EVER MADE.

- YOU DID GOOD.
- LET'S GET THIS MAN "LEID."

[ Chuckles ]
MEET MY NEW GIRL.

HI.

[ Man ]
♪ I FEEL SO PECULIAR

♪ I'M NOT ONE BIT AFRAID

♪ NO WAY

YOU LOOK...

SO, UH, WOW.

WOW.I WAS HOPING
YOU'D SAY THAT.

♪ HELLO, HELLO

♪ WON'T YOU COME RIGHT IN

MAY I ?AS LONG AS
WE CUDDLE AFTERWARDS.

THERE'S SO MUCH
THAT I NEED TO SAY--
THE ARTICLE--

I WAS SCARED
THAT YOU WOULDN'T COME.

WELL, I WAS TRYING
TO DECIDE WHAT PANTIES
I SHOULD WEAR.

WHICH ONES DID YOU CHOOSE ?

NONE.

♪ HELLO, HELLO

♪ WON'T YOU COME RIGHT IN

♪ I'D GIVE ANYTHING
JUST TO SEE YOU AGAIN ♪

♪ HELLO, HELLO

♪ WON'T YOU COME RIGHT IN

♪ STEP INTO MY WORLD
WHERE YOU KNOW YOU'RE ♪

♪ HELLO, HELLO

♪ WON'T YOU COME RIGHT IN

♪ I'D GIVE ANYTHING
JUST TO SEE YOU AGAIN ♪

♪ HELLO, HELLO
WON'T YOU COME RIGHT IN ♪♪

♪♪ [ Rock ]

[ Groans ]

[ Whimpering ]

IT'S GONNA BE
A BACHELOR PARTY--

ONE LAST NIGHT
OF DEBAUCHERY
WITH THE FELLAS.

- YOU CAN'T EVEN-- OH.
- OH.

I MEAN, THIS GIRL IS--
[ Gasps ]

I WAS WONDERING-- I'LL DO IT.

I'M GETTING
MY SHIT TOGETHER.
JUST ONE SECOND.

I CAN'T DO THIS !

[ Dog Whimpers ]

[ Crew Laughing ]AAH !

OH, MAN. MY MAMA NEVER
TOLD ME I'D BE DOING THIS.

[ Crew Laughing ]

I WANT TO CHEW THE--

AND THEN--
[ Growling ]
I DON'T KNOW HOW.

[ Crew Laughing ]

THIS IS WHAT
WHITE JOCKEY BLOWIN'
HOOKERS WILL DO TO YOU.

[ Crew Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]