All language subtitles for Killer Condom 1996 REMASTERED THEATRICAL BDRIP X264

Come, Phyllis. Come.

What are we doing here?

I thought you were taking me home.

Good evening,
what can I do for you?

We would
like a double room.

With a shower and toilet?

Yes, please.

Room 308.

Many thanks.

Come, Phyllis.

But...

Hello, Rebecca!

Hey, Robinson, do you have a
room for me, too?

Loverboy wants to show me his dick.

Excuse me for asking, but...

Here in the hotel...
surely you've got...

a condom machine or something?

There's rubbers
upstairs on the bedside table.

They're on the house.

That's very considerate.

I'm sure you're wondering what
all this is about, Phyllis.

You see, my dear,
I'm afraid I lied this morning

when I told you that you
passed all your exams.

You lied?

Yes, Phyllis.

In truth, you're nine points short.

Four in sociology
and five in psychology.

But that's terrible.

No, no.

It's not terrible.

And do you know why?

Because I'm your examiner.

You're a hardworking
girl, Phyllis.

You've earned your degree.

I'll take care of the nine points,
nobody will know.

It will stay our secret.

But now, you have to
do something for me.

I'm crazy about you, Phyllis.

- But teacher, sir...
- For years, I've idolized you.

Take off your blouse, please.

You have no idea how much
I've longed for this moment.

The years of suffering...

Don't touch me!

All right, then.

Of course, I don't want
to force you into anything.

But you have to know

that under these circumstances,
I can't accommodate you, either.

Your parents will be
very disappointed, Phyllis.

But that's your choice.

Asshole.

Ah, you're coming
to your senses, Phyllis.

That pleases me very much.

But don't cry, please.

Look, did you know

that hotels have free condoms?

What?

I'm sure this safer sex campaign
Is costing the government billions.

Now, lie back and relax.

But what --

This is a
non-smoking elevator, asshole.

Stinks like an ashtray.

- Good morning, detective.

- Hey, Mackeroni.
The word on the street is

some pimp over on 42nd street
put his mother-in-law

in the tumble dryer and
threw it out the window.

You want the case?

- He needs a bottle
of aspirin and a coffee first.

- That's not my department.

Do you think I'm a fireman or something?

I think so, too. Yes, exactly.

Ah, well, well, well. If it isn't
Mr. Mackeroni.

Good morning, Captain.

Don't change the subject!

If I send for you then move
your ass getting here.

Is that clear?

It's my day off, sir.

You see
those girls over there?

I thought I had already
seen everything in this city,

but this takes the cake.

Was there a motive?

- No. The one on the left had some
coke in her pocket

and the one in the
middle stinks of eggnog.

Otherwise, they're clean.

- The fact is, they bit off
their clients'...

genitalia.

There are four cocks in the
lab, neatly lined up side by side,

but these girls are all playing dumb.

- Did you say four dicks?

- Yes, there
was a fourth girl.

Not a hooker, a well-behaved
Oklahoma teenager.

There
was blood all over,

and the penis
jumped on the floor

and hopped under
the bed --

- This is your case, Mackeroni.

And I want a
report on all this nonsense

by tonight at the latest, okay?

Is sex always like that?

Listen, we've been
waiting for a half hour.

Why is our daughter
being detained here?

- Sorry, we don't know exactly
what's going on ourselves yet.

- Oh my god.

Has anything
happened to our child?

- No, don't
worry, Phyllis is okay.

The whole thing is just...how should I put
it...a little delicate. I don't...

- Get to the point, man.

What happened to the girl?

- I don't mean to
upset you, but Mister...

- Look, Detective.

We didn't fly all the way from
Farmville, Oklahoma, to New York City

to listen to your lame excuses.

Tell us what happened
to our daughter,

or let me speak to
your superintendent.

At a sleazy hotel,

in one of the worst
areas of New York,

your daughter bit off her
college professor's penis.

Cigarette?

What did you say?

- Yeah.

It's a clear-cut case.

The door was locked from the inside. When
we broke the door down,

Phyllis was sitting on the bed, screaming.

An unconscious man
was lying on the floor

and under the bed, the
officers found his penis.

- There must
be some mistake.

That's impossible.

Detective!

It may comfort you to know

that such cases are
not unusual in our line of work.

Quite the opposite, actually.

Four penises bit the dust in that
hotel that night.

And on 42nd Street,

word on the street is someone put their
mother-in-law in the tumble dryer

and threw her out the
window.

Look, sir, this is New York.

The clocks tick a bit differently
here than in Farmville, Oklahoma.

You better
take Phyllis home with you,

or she'll start doing stupid things.

You know how teenagers are.
Have to try everything.

I don't know what
people see in this town.

I mean, there are a lot of guys who get
this sparkle in their eyes

when they hear "New York."

New York, the city of cities, the
absolute metropolis of the world.

Then they tell you about some shitty
museums, galleries and restaurants.

I spent my childhood
on the lonely,

crumbling Mackeroni
estate in Sicily.

There was stillness, nature, and the
wind rustling through the cypresses.

I often remember those times when I'm in my
car, stuck in New York traffic,

among the crowds, exhaust
fumes, and traffic.

This city is one big, stinking sewer
where the perverts roam.

Even well-mannered daughters
from Farmville, Oklahoma,

bite off guys' cocks
after being here a while.

As a cop, you
lose sight of reality,

and then all that's left is
the scum.

It may be that there are also pleasant and
beautiful things in this city.

However, my job is to
dig deep into the shit.

Hello, Luigi.

Hi, Robinson.

What room did that
shit happen in last night?

That was in Room 308.

What's up with the hookers
all of a sudden, Luigi?

They bite the cocks
off of the clients.

They earn their money
off those cocks, don't they?

All right,
give me the key.

You won't find anything, Luigi.

Just blood, blood everywhere.
This mess is costing me a fortune.

There's a trail of blood running
from the bed to the bathroom,

and all the wallpaper
Is spattered.

You can't leave
it like that, right?

I've seen a lot
in this shithole,

believe me, but this is new.

What am I supposed to do now?

They've already
arrested quite a lot of girls.

You still have yours, right?

I'm thinking of sending him
back to the police office in a moment,

Who is that boy over there?

What boy?

Ah, right. Billy.
He's doing well here.

He's new, but
has good clientele.

Have you actually found
the cock in the meantime?

I've searched everywhere.

Under the cupboards,
behind the toilet --

Cut the crap,
Robinson. Give me the key.

What do you
want in the room, Luigi?

I'm telling you, though --

Do you know that the little cock-biter
was still a minor?

Had she not bit so hard, I would have bet
she still had baby teeth.

- Luigi!

- Oh, Bob.

What are you doing here?

- I sing.

I'm not Bob anymore,
my name is Babette now.

This shithole might
not be Broadway,

but I know for a fact

that a famous movie producer
secretly comes here to fuck.

I'm sure he'll notice me,
then take me to Hollywood,

and I'll bathe in champagne
for the rest of my life.

- Okay, I'll keep my fingers
crossed for you.

- Lolly!

- Don't call
me Lolly, my name is Luigi.

Luigi. There are
no more Lollies.

- I'll always
call you Lolly.

On our night together,
it drove you crazy when I called you Lolly.

But I guess you don't
want to remember that.

- Exactly.

And neither should you, Bob.
Don't think about it anymore.

- I think
about it all the time.

Lolly, we need to talk.

- I don't know what there is
to talk about.

- I'm in therapy now.

- Good.

I'm gonna continue
doing my job now.

- Is that all
you have to say?

Look at me, Lolly. Everything I am, I
am because of you.

My therapist told me you
need me, you love me.

That you're just too proud
to tell me how you feel.

He also says
that you feel guilty,

because I remind you of your mother, and
you're tormented by the thought

that you had great sex with your mother.

But look, Lolly. In reality,
I'm not your mother at all.

- Is that so?

- I'm your friend, your girlfriend.

Well, if you want, I'll
be your mother, too.

Every fourth man in this world has
sexual fantasies about his mother,

that's nothing special.
It's Psychology 101.

- And what kind of therapist is that, huh?

- Remember, Lolly, our
time together was so amazing.

- Our time together? Damn it, Bob, what
are you talking about?

- You showed me
what sexuality can mean.

It was intoxication,
ecstasy, passion.

It was pleasure, pain and
happiness, it was the meaning of life.

It lasted three minutes and I was
so drunk that I fell asleep.

It shouldn't have happened, Bob.

I'm no longer Bob.

My name is Babette,
now, and I love you.

- Bob, listen.
- Babette.

Okay, Babette.

Whatever happened that night,

I can't remember and I
didn't want it to happen.

You have to forget me and
find yourself again, you hear me?

You're not a transvestite.

I'm a reflection of
your mother and you love me.

That's what my therapist
says and he's right.

I'm busy, Bob, take care.

Lolly.

Who is this?

- Leave me be.
- I want to know right away who that is.

- Do you have something with him?
- I feel sorry for you.

- Oh, yeah? Oh no, I'm sorry.

Basically, you're crazy about me, but
you're scared of your feelings

and scared of personalities
stronger than you.

Basically, you're
a little Sicilian fag.

- Never say that again. Don't
ever call me fag again,

or I will squeeze the artificial hormones
out of your laughable, fat body.

Understood?

- Hit me. Come on, hit me.

You love me.

I know it.

What type of crazy was that?

- My mother, didn't you hear?

- Say, are you a cop or something?

- Why?

Don't you fuck cops?

- Don't know, never had the chance.

So, are you a cop or not?

- I've got guts like a cop,

I fuck like a bull, so I
might as well be a cop.

You can picture me being
an insurance salesman,

if you find that more exciting.

Wow.

So, that's --

Thirty-two centimeters exactly.

Hello there.

Can we start now?

Somehow, I think it's awesome.

- What?

- To shag a cop.

The rubber moved.

I could swear
that thing wobbled.

- Fuck that.
- Hold on.

I've got my own,
blacks look cooler.

Does it matter?

You can't tell the difference.

Yeah, but I don't
trust the hotel ones.

- What was that?
- Some kind of bug.

- A bug?
- Yeah, a bug.

That was the rubber.

- The rubber --

- It hissed at us and ran away. I saw it.
- Bullshit.

- You saw it, too, right?
- I didn't see anything.

- I'm not stupid, it was the condom.

- I don't see anything.
Bring me my lighter, quickly.

- Where's your lighter?
- In my pants, right pocket.

Okay.

Here.

Thanks.

Hello, Luigi.

Hi, Sam.

So, what's wrong with you?

One nut.

This beast bit off
my right testicle.

You mean the little gay guy
who you were in the room with?

No.

It was a condom, Sam.

There's a cock-eating
condom up in that hotel room.

All right..

Well, at least
that's what it looks like.

You roll it onto your
banana and snap! It chews it off.

Okay.

Luigi, let me tell
you how I see it.

You got involved with some
drug-addicted trickster again,

and he was tripping during the
act and bit you hard.

Or it was some sadomasochistic
shit again, I don't know,

but that's how it must
have played out, right?

-No!
-No?

Robinson said

that the trickster fell out of the elevator
half-naked and ran into the street.

He just panicked.

Have you ever seen
a cock-eating condom?

That was a damn horror.
You would've panicked, too.

Okay.

Luigi?

On, sorry.

I just wanted to...
Detective Mackeroni,

smoking is not allowed here.

If you don't put out
the cigarette now,

I'm going to be very rude.

And that is a pill
box, not an ashtray.

Please take the blue ones tonight
and the red ones tomorrow morning.

I see you've urinated,
that's a good sign.

Then the worst
will be over soon.

Thank you, Dr. Riffleson.

No problem,
that's what I'm here for.

No.

And certainly not without
a rubber, forget it.

You're so drunk, you won't
be able to get anything up anyway.

Oh, yeah?

I always get a hard-on.

You don't seriously think
that I'll touch your filthy cock?

Thirteen dicks, Sam!

While I was in the hospital, 13
guys lost their dicks at this hotel.

What do you think
happened there?

I can't figure
it out either, damn it.

We've turned the entire
hotel inside out, Mackeroni.

There is nothing to be found.

It's the condom, Sam.

I'm telling you, it's the goddamn condom,
and there's

hundreds of
condoms in this hotel.

Listen, I refuse to talk to you
any more about condoms that bite.

We need to
talk about this, Sam.

I saw that thing,
I saw it myself!

And because of that shitty condom,
I'm now missing my right ball.

And that was me being lucky.

Shit!

There's no such thing as a killer condom.
- Not exactly.

Now watch this, Sam.

What is this?

Check this out, Sam.
-Listen, Mackeroni, it's been a hard day.

Please spare me from
looking at your genitals.

Look here!

What do you think did this, a dust mite?

That little trickster...

Stop rambling about the trickster already!
It's the condom, Sam!

The condom.

It's got 13 cocks on its conscience.
Thirteen cocks and one ball.

What do you
want me to do, huh?

Do you want me to have the
boys frisk all the condoms?

That's going to be
a great headline.

"Police on the hunt
for a crazed contraceptive."

You can relax now, Sam.

Do what you do all the time.

Nothing.

Then I'll deal with the
killer condom alone.

Not bad, either.

A cop against a rubber.

If a few weeks ago someone had told me that
one day, there would be condoms that bite,

I would have thought
they were crazy.

Now, I have no trouble
with that thought.

In our time, concepts pop up every day that
were not known yesterday.

Internet, cyberspace, mad cow
disease, risk groups, Kelly Family,

why shouldn't the term "killer
condoms" exist tomorrow?

I order these from
a major supplier in Queens.

Why? Something wrong with it?

These rubbers, Robinson,
aren't they individually wrapped?

No, that's
why they're so cheap.

Do these incidents happen
in the same room?

Only in 308 at first.

But after the sixth
cock was bitten off,

I didn't give out the key anymore,
and -- boom -- it happened in 309.

The boy I was with
the other day, you know...

The one that bit off your --

- He didn't do that.
- No? But the cops still say --

Bullshit.

Did you see him again?

He never came back.
- Lolly!

Are you out of
the hospital?

As you can see.

I was so worried. Why didn't you want
me to come visit you?

- Bob, please.
- My name is Babette.

What did that nasty
little bastard do to you?

Is your cock all right?

It's off.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, it's fine. Sex is not that important.

But Sam said
you only had one ball.

Well, the cock was bitten, too, and now
it's in a garbage can at the hospital.

That's awful.

I'm so sorry,
it's truly horrible.

You...

You're lying.

What is that package
In your pants?

The gauze bandage.

You're making fun of me.

But you won't get rid
of me that easily, Lolly.

Take care, Bob.

My name is Babette. Babette!

For a brief moment, I thought about
stopping by Billy's.

I couldn't get him out of my head.

Then again, I'm not
sentimental or anything like that.

I have no illusions
about love anymore.

What's love, anyway?

At the end of the
day, it's all about sex.

It's not about me,

it's about this huge
thing between my legs.

Still, sometimes I long
for something different.

For a little warmth.

For someone who is simply
there when you come home.

Billy: Hi.

Hi.

Am I disturbing you?

What?

No.

I just...

I can leave if you want.

No, it's okay, come in.

So why did you come here?

If we... I mean, if that
hadn't happened with the condom

and we had, you
know, some fun in bed --

Then what?

- Then I wouldn't have taken any money.
- Oh, yeah?

I don't charge if I enjoy it.

But it's your job,
you live off that.

I would've put a few
bucks on the table for you.

If you want, I'd like to
meet you again sometime.

Well...

my balls need some rest
at the moment.

I'm not just talking
about sex, we could --

We could what?

Go dancing? Hold hands in love?
Exchange perfumed letters?

Well, I was thinking --

Listen, kid.

I'm too old for this
kind of thing, you know?

The big love story doesn't
work for me anymore.

Who's talking about a love story?
I only wanted --

"Only-"

You are one hot guy, Billy.

But I don't want to
break my back anymore.

When I'm better we'll have a hot round,

or even two, and
that'll be it, okay?

Okay.

I'm out of here.

Yeah.

You're pretty
cool, aren't you?

I've been through too much shit.

I'm sorry.

Now, go away.

- Well, how do you
like that, you filthy queen?

It's fine, I've had better experiences.

- I'm tired of watching weirdos fuck.

What's the point?

- Shut up, I need to focus.

I want to hit you, how
much does that cost?

Barehanded? One dollar per hit.

With a whip, belt, or
the like, twice as much.

It gets cheaper
after the tenth hit.

- Oh, man. That is Bob.

- His name is Babette.

- Babette?

Do you see that?

This is Bob.

That, that, that's enough.

It's enough to make you puke.
I don't buy it.

He was with the
police until recently, and now?

Do you see this? Man, that's sick.

- The condom moved.

- Is that all you're gonna say? This is Bob
and you see live condoms?

- Damn it, Sam, get a grip.

Okay, yes, this is Bob,

but it doesn't matter. Put
that goddamn condom

by the bed and I bet it's going
to show us its teeth.

[TV] You cheap slut. Well, how
do you like that?

- You'd just have to untie me first.

In this position, I
can't put a condom on.

- I'm worthless. I'm a pile of shit.
I'm a lousy little fag.

- All right, forget it.

I don't care if you run after
your killer condom here.

I'm going back to the office
to handle this case my way.

Hey.

I got a new shipment of condoms.

Want to check them?

Shut up.

Bye.

[TV] I'm a nasty pig. I'm a
rotten little fag.

Say I’m a rotten little fag.

- I'm a rotten little fag.

- Why you?

Me! I'm a rotten little fag! Say it!

- Okay, you're a rotten little fag.

- Finally, it's about time.
I'm a nasty pig.

I'm a piece of shit.

I'm a nasty little pig.

- Take off the rubber.
- What?

- Take the rubber off your junk.
Come on! Quickly!

- Don't shoot!
- Shut up.

Good.

Now, get rid of that thing. Come on!

Shit, must have been
a regular condom.

Well, sorry. I'm sorry
for the disturbance.

You can carry on.

Oh, yeah, I wouldn't use it
anymore, there's a hole in it.

You're probably
not doing it right anymore.

You must be totally insane.

Man, listen, I'm
doing my job here.

I'm a pig, a lousy pig.

Shut up.

Where is it?

That's a cock.

- That's nasty. - Oh, God.
- I'm not cleaning that up.

Congratulations, guys.
You did a great job here.

I'm really impressed.

Maybe the press releases came from
Robinson, or some hooker.

I know where they came from.

From an ex-cop named Bob Miller,

who works in this brothel of lunatics as a
bar slut, or a cum dumpster.

Sir, I saw that thing,

it's some bloody
animal or something.

It's best if we take
the whole hotel apart.

I think I misheard.

We've made fools of ourselves
enough over this.

Dick McGouvern is coming
to the city tomorrow

and the last thing I
need is a police force

that no one takes
seriously anymore,

because they're in some
dumps, looking for killer condoms.

In that case, I'm asking you to
proceed on my own, Sir.

Oh, no, Mackeroni. Forget that. You
keep your hands off it.

- That's not possible, sir.

- What?

I come from a very old Sicilian family.

No one bites off a Mackeroni's testicle
unpunished. Nothing and no one.

I'm warning you, Mackeroni.

Chasing condoms at
this hotel one more time

will cost you your badge.

Is that clear?

I'll tell you one thing:

if I don't get a promotion for this shit,

you won't need a killer
condom to get castrated.

What's that?

Hey.

I'm talking to you.

Can you explain this to me?

Yes, I'll have the boy searched for.
He chewed your balls, Luigi.

Who knows if he'll
do it again.

Tell me, are you
all deaf or something?

Billy is all right and you
can release the hookers, too.

There's that damn condom
out there somewhere,

and if you don't
take action soon,

we'll have more cocks on our hands.

Okay, okay.

Fine.

Understood.

(indistinct muttering in Sicilian)

Who knows? Maybe everyone was right,
maybe I do need a vacation.

So what if that thing strikes again?

It isn't my problem.

And Billy? What am I supposed
to do with a hooker?

A guy who'll take anyone's
ass for a few lousy bucks.

What's going on here?

- Oh. Hi, Detective.

- And?

- We're supposed to find the boy.
- He's not here.

- Seems he packed his clothes in a hurry.

- Did Sam Hanks order this?

Yes.

Sir, he said we should
find that hooker

from the hotel who bit your --

The matter has been resolved, fuck off.

But we're not done yet, we --

Get out, I'll investigate myself.

Hello, Billy.

It's Jack.

You know, from the newspaper ad.

I, well, loved being with you.

Call me back. But don't call on weekends.

You know my wife. Bye.

Hey, this is Robert.
Will we see each other again?

I'm in the mood
for your sweet ass.

Greetings, Billy, this is Karl.

Well, how are you?

I wanted to ask you if we
could have a coffee together.

I've been thinking a lot
about my sexual fantasies.

Maybe we can see
each other sometime.

I've bought an army
uniform now, give me a call.

Bye.

I felt like an old jerk.

What the hell do I want
from this little rent boy?

I should be focused on the case,

not running around with
romantic ideas in my head.

Sure, New York can be pretty
damn cold this time of year,

but I'm Sicilian.

I don't need sentimentality.

And basically, I
don't even need sex.

I watch some porn video,

jerk off, and then
take a cold shower.

That's enough for me.

I don't need more.

Get out of there, Mackeroni.

Come on.

How?

Tell me, are you totally cracked up?
What do you want?

- For you to get out of the tub
and sleep with me!

- What are you, nuts?

Put that goddamn knife away.
- No.

Are you trying to kill me, or what?

Put away the knife.
- Shut your mouth.

Okay, okay.

Listen, Bob.

Babette.

I don't know what your
therapist told you, but --

You're just talking shit. I know what I
want. I want you and you want me.

You don't seriously think that --

What was that?
- Don't change the topic.

You brought the goddamn condom with you.

Of course I brought condoms.

Where did you get those things?

Well, from the hotel.
They were lying around there.

Babette.

You brought the
damn killer condom with you.

You need to be calm now. Very calm.

Forget our history and let's take care of
the condom first, okay?

I don't believe a word you say.

Yes?

Completely calm, Babette.

Are you insane? That's a real
crocodile leather purse!

Shit.

- What was that?
- The killer condom.

- Oh, God, does it want your cock?
- Shut up.

- And it was in my purse!
- Shut up, Babette, and help me.

- Fuck. I was all psycho. Forgive me.

I only wanted that --

- Come here, Buffy.

I thought I could --

Bob, are you still there?
- My name is Babette.

- Yeah. Bob, Babette. Listen, I need
you to help me now.

There's a hose behind you.

- What kind of hose?

- A hose! Behind the stove.

Attach it to the gas tap
and bring me the other end. Got it?

What? What
are you waiting for?

I'm sorry.

- Forget it. Help me instead. Come on.

- You know,

I was thinking about you
all night, and then I was like --

- That's touching, Babette, but if
you don't hurry up now,

we're never going to finish this thing.
Understood?

- Don't yell at me like that.

Is everything clear?

- Yes, everything is clear.

- OK, good. Get into position.

Done?

- Done.

Come.

Time for din-din.

If I were you, I would
have fears of castration.

If I were you, I'd have penis envy.

Come on.

Get him.

Such a nice cock.

Hmm, yum, yum.

Crank it up.

Crank it up. Turn it up!

- Yes, yes, fine.

Okay, okay, that's enough.
Well, how do you like that, you beast?

Bob, that's enough.

I can't stop it.

Turn off the damn gas, Bob.

God, what should I do?
- Bob!

- Yes?

-Turn off the gas tap.

- It's not possible.

Maybe you should fix your gas line, the
thing is totally bent --

- Bob, check this out.

- I can't do more than this thing here.

Okay, Wilma, shoot.

The thing consists of humanoid epithelia
lined with a peritrophic membrane.

It looks like regular
rubber condom material,

but is actually a
complex organism

with a sub-dermal
chitinous lining.

But it seems to have
everything it needs.

Microscopically fine nerves,

a reasonably evenly
distributed brain mass --

That's disgusting.

- So the teeth are as sharp as
razor blades, but apparently flexible.

- Okay. What's the meaning of all this?

Is that some kind
of animal, or what?

- Hard to say. It's not an animal in
that sense. I mean,

it doesn't eat the dicks
and there's no digestive tract.

And the energy it needs to move

comes from its own material.

It's artificial.

- Artificial? Are you saying
someone made this thing?

- Yeah, probably.

I'm thinking of some
kind of primitive life form,

like, for example, giant
worms, jellyfish, piranhas.

Every few weeks, there are scientific
breakthroughs in genetic research.

Just recently, a
very old professor

received the Columbus
Research Prize for his discovery.

That's all I can say about
it. Find a professional.

I prefer conventional cases,
like the one behind you.

He simply suffocated

because his 200 kilo
girlfriend sat on his face.

We still don't know

whether it was sex, or murder.

She says she doesn't know
anything, but unfortunately for her,

he got some of her
pubic hair in his mouth.

- All right, Wilma,
thanks for the help.

- Take a look. All covered with pubic hair.

This professor should
take a look at the condom.

- Luigi?
- Yeah?

- I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

- It's okay, I probably
would have reacted the same.

But I blame you for the boy, Sam.

- What's wrong with you, Luigi?
He's a crook.

Burglary, shoplifting. We seized
drugs from his apartment.

- That little bit of pot?
- Oh, did he please you so well

that you want to marry him?

Man, Luigi, you could do a
sight better than

sticking your money up this guy's ass.
You're a real man.

Women adore you.
You should give it a try.

- Quit bugging me, Sam!

I don't give a fuck
about your women.

I'd rather have a tight
man's ass than your boobs

and piss flaps, and let's get this clear:

I want you to tolerate, accept, and
understand that once and for all.

Understood?

Okay, okay.

Really?

I'll never hear that shit
out of your mouth again?

I'll never say anything about it again.

Cross my heart.

Okay.

I've lived in this
town for 20 years, now,

and sometimes I'm still not
sure if it's right for me.

Sure, I had to leave Sicily back then.

If I'd stayed, I'd be the Mackeroni
family butcher, now, and I'd be

making salami sausages
from donkeys all day,

and my only pastime would be
shooting birds with a shotgun.

And Mama...

She always wished for a Sicilian wedding.

Of course, the bride must be a virgin.

Okay,

so I made a career in New York.

I made it to the rank of
detective in the police force.

Even so, Mama wouldn't
be very happy with my life

if she knew what
I was doing here.

What about me? Am I happy?

America needs to get back to its values.

To the belief in God and His morals.

I want to take office
to heal our society.

I want people to realize again

what a wonderful
country God has given us,

and that we must thank Him

by making this country strong again.

Everyone with sound hands

Is called upon to do their part.

We've had enough.

Enough of scandals.

About drugs, about perversions.

We stand for the politics
of order and peace.

Join us for a pure America.

- Have you lost your mind, or what?
- Buy your own make-up.

I don't see why all the sluts

help themselves to my dressing table.

- Now, how do I look?
I have to go on stage soon.

- Hello, Babette.

I was just passing by and,
well, I thought I'd drop in

and see how you're
doing after that nightmare.

Man, we've both had
our experiences as cops.

I mean, we've both
experienced a lot...but this?

Wow, was that
really a horror movie!

I wanted to thank you.

You were great.
- Is this for me?

Yeah, that's --
- Tamara, honey, will you open it, please?

My nails aren't dry yet.

Do you know what
used to be here?

- No.
- A church.

- Is that supposed to mean something?
- I don't know, you're the cop.

- It's a travel iron.

Oh.

Yeah, I thought since
you've got so many new clothes,

if you're ever on the road...
- Thanks.

I hadn't expected such
a romantic present, thank you.

- I can also exchange it
if you don't like it.

- No, no. It's really nice.

Really.

Now my clothes won't crease
anymore, thank you very much.

- Okay. I'll go leave then, huh?

Yes, I don't have any time, anyway. I have
to go on stage right away.

- Take care, Bob.

- Babette.

- Yeah, sure, Babette.

Hello, Luigi. Did you see that?

The boy who bit off your ---

- Which room?
- 302. Should I page him?

Hey, Billy.

Still snooping on me?

I don't snoop. I just happened to be
here, so I wanted to talk to you.

I'm busy.

Wait for me downstairs.

Okay. I'll wait downstairs at the bar.

Hey, what are you playing at?

Hey!

Damn place is full of crazies.

It's down now.

Now it's up again.

Up, down, up, down.

I wish they'd make up their minds.

They're blocking the elevator.

I don't understand what they're
doing there, either.

It won't come down anymore, will it?

I'm not taking the stairs.

Yes, it's fine, it's fine.

- What's going on now?

Hey, Robinson.

This whorehouse is falling apart, man!
- Shut up!

Bravo.

Yeah, bravo.

Bravo.

- Detective, it's getting worse
night after night.

To be honest, I don't even know where
to put people anymore.

You can see for yourself
what's going on here.

- Mackeroni?

[Women speaking foreign language]

- Detective, hear me out.

No, I want to say something as well.

- I was tired. I found no common thread
In this story, no beginning.

Every morning when I wake up,
it feels like I had a bad nightmare,

but then I grab my ball sack for a moment
and reconcile myself to the absurd reality.

Now, listen to me for a moment.

I realized I was damn lucky that the condom
jumped on only my right nut.

I mean, in a city like New
York, what does a man do

when he's lonely at night and
he doesn't even have a cock?

Once my baby is President,

will he have any time for me?

When your baby becomes President, he'll
take you with him for every state visit.

What was that?

How cute.

Maybe it's one of those things

we read about in the paper.

News about the killer condoms.

Killer condoms back in town.

McGouvern caught it.

Good morning, Luigi.

You look like you're
going to throw up.

- I also have a damn horrible
taste in my mouth.

Here, take a sniff.

Is there anything new?
- I'm working on it, give me 10 minutes.

- Okay.

Hi, Sally.
- Ah, Luigi.

- What are you doing here?
- The Captain asked me to come over

and have a chat with
our mutual friend over there.

Isn't that right, Porky? You
love talking to me.

I'm not saying anything.

I don't rat on my friends.

Okay, okay.

It was Frank Collins' idea,

but he really wanted
to work with Rich Bitch.

So Bruce Winnegan shot Frank Collins.

Killer Angel's also in on the deal,

but he's currently with
Larry King on 46th Street.

They put all that stuff in little plastic
bags and they bring it to --

- There you go. That went
quicker than I thought.

I heard you're chasing condoms now.
- Yeah.

Sally, would you do me a favor
before you go?

- You know I don't touch rubbers.

- No, I know. There used to be a church
where Hotel Quickie is now.

- Is that so?
- I want to know how long the thing stood,

who demolished it
and why, and so on.

And get me a photo of the church, will you?
- Okay.

- Well, his balls were always nice and big.

But his cock wasn't
particularly big.

I mean, he was
actually quite small,

but he once confided in me

that that's why he
wanted to be president.

Isn't that weird?

(indistinct dialect)

Good idea. Ciao.

What's going on here?

You mean you don't know?

What don't I know?

Fear of castration is
spreading among the population of New York.

In recent days, the police
have been flooded with claims

of male victims who all
reported condoms that,

at the crucial moment,

reveal themselves to be a
gluttonous species of unknown origin.

The alien creatures
initially look like condoms,

according to eyewitnesses, and they
can also be used like condoms at first.

As it has only now come out, this is
what happened in the hotel room

where the Republican
presidential candidate, McGouvern,

due to circumstances that
have not yet been fully clarified,

lost most of his genitals,

which is no
surprise to the police.

-They knew about it!?

They knew about
this killer condom.

- Well, not exactly.

I mean, there's been a
few cases like this, but,

Yeah, it was just queers and hookers.

I never thought that --

I mean, the incident
won't affect the campaign.

-The campaign? What campaign?! You
don't seriously believe

the people will elect a man missing
his cock to be the President

of the United States?!

Surely, you don't
seriously believe that. Or...?

- What have you
found out about the little monsters

that supposedly
look like condoms?

- Well, they're made out of
some kind of rubber.

But, of course, it isn't really rubber, and
they've got thin skin, and they're --

Lubricated?

And banana-flavored!

- What are the police doing right now to
crack down on the killer condoms?

Professor Boris Smirnoff.

Born in Vaclavitiv, Russia, in 1923,
then emigrated to the USA in 1943,

to study natural sciences.

In 1956, he received an honorary
doctorate for outstanding services

in the field of biochemistry.

Three years later, he took over
the management of a plastics and rubber

chemistry laboratory, and in 1962, received
the Science Academy Award for

the development of a special rubber
solution, mainly used for prostheses,

but also for the production of condoms.

For a few years, now, he has only
been involved with genetic research.

His loved ones don't know where he is.
Others are waiting for scientific papers,

he had appointments for
lectures at which he did not appear.

- There's a couple of postcards
from the Bahamas.

- Yes, but it just says
the weather is nice and

that he's fine, but his daughter says

he's always hated nice weather

and he's never been
fine if he wasn't working.

There, take a look at this.

- What about it?

- Look at that guy behind him.

- Who is that?
- Exactly.

No one knows, but he's
always behind Smirnoff.

- A bodyguard?
- Negative.

The daughter saw him in Smirnoff's kitchen
and mistook him for the chef.

The party-goers said
he was a staff member,

but no one really
knows this man.

May I ask what's going on here?

There's a professor who's
probably been kidnapped and --

All right. And what's all this here?
A law firm?

They bit off the presidential
candidate's cock

and you're here sipping
coffee and watching videos?

Sir.

Besides McGouvern, there were
17 other cases tonight.

A few in brothels, the
rest in the gay scene.

That means the little
pecker-biters seem to be multiplying,

so before they attack some good
family man on the Upper East Side,

I want you to get
this under control.

- We're on it right now.

- Also, starting tonight, I want
one of you to go undercover

on the gay scene and
see what's going on.

Mackeroni, you handle that.

- That's not a good idea, sir.

- No? And why's that?

You know the scene all too well.

- That's exactly the problem.

They know I'm a cop.

- Sam, you do it then.

- What?
- You will dress like a homosexual

and take a look around. Or are
you too well known in the scene?

- No, but sir --
- Well then.

And I don't want to see any
more hookers, or drug addicts.

Only reliable witnesses, is that clear?

Mackeroni, you dress him up.

- The boys will like you.

- But I don't want that to happen.

Man, this is ridiculous.

Am I supposed to stomp into the gay stores,
take the elevator and ask the fags,

“Have you seen a condom that's been baring
its teeth lately?”

- You'd better be careful when you're
having sex with someone

and carefully inspect
the condom beforehand.

- What?
- It'll be over sooner than you think.

- But the -- I mean,
they'll ask me if I want it, right?

- If one of them wants you,
Sam, you don't stand a chance.

- No chance? So, I don't have a chance
then? What's that supposed to mean?

- Gay men are real men who know
what they want, Sam.

Here, take the hanky. You let it hang out
of your pants on the back right pocket.

- What?

What good is that?

- It's a code that says,

“I don't feel like having sex
tonight so leave me alone.”

- And that works?

- It's the only thing that works, Sam.

Olga, my dear!

Beer.

I'm a nasty little pig.

Sometimes, the city seems
like a huge, cancerous tumor

that grows and grows, ever nearer to
its own destruction.

Maybe I'll always be a stranger here,

because I spent my
childhood in Sicily,

right by the sea,

with my loving mother, singing sad
songs by the fireplace.

- Mackeroni!

Mackeroni, where are
you, you Sicilian faggot?!

Luigi!

Yellow hanky in the
back right pocket, yeah?!

That perverted gorilla pissed on my leg
because he thought I was into it.

I'm married, I have a child.

I'm really not used
to this kind of shit! Stop laughing!

It's not fucking funny.

- Okay, okay. Calm down, Sam.
I'm sorry, okay?

It was a joke. How was I suppose to know
that would really happen?

- You’re lucky | didn't give you a red one.
- A red hanky? What does that mean??

- Fist fucking.

Come on, let's have a coffee.

- I don't need coffee. You can deal with
this case yourself.

This scene is too --
Shit, I'm getting out.

- Stop, you can't quit now.

And whatever you think of those
leather boys out there,

they just want to have fun.

Now they're being attacked by some killer
rubbers and we have to stop it!

Damn it, I need you.

- Okay.

Okay, but no more yellow hankies.

- No more yellow hankies, fine.

- And no red hankies, either. Nothing.

- Nothing like that anymore, okay.

What are you staring at so stupidly?

Never seen a
real male friendship?

No one pisses on my leg, no one.

I know.

Sorry.

[Women speaking foreign language]

- What's up with her?
- Is there anyone here who can translate?

- Something to do with a condom.

Where?

Where?

Where?

Where, Condom Sefiora?

Listen to me. Where condom?

Hospital?

A condom in the hospital?

Senora, can you show me where that is?

Come with me. Get up!

- I'll check it out.
- What do you want to see?

I have this weird feeling.

Isn't there an interpreter who can
translate here for a moment?

[Foreign Chatter]

What is she saying?

Condom?

Detective Mackeroni.

Even a dedicated policeman has
to sleep at night from time to time,

otherwise their health suffers.

Hi.

Hi.

Is the cop here?

Who?

You know who.

Detective Mackeroni just left

and I'm guessing he
won't be back anytime soon.

And where did he go?

Listen, boy. Your cop is
in enough trouble as is, okay.

Even without you
obsessing over him.

What about that man?

What about him?

Can't anyone here
understand this?

She says she saw the Asian man in
the hospital's chapel.

He's a devil and he had one
of those condoms with him.

Go.

Come on, come with me.
O'Brian, off to the hospital.

Come along and it'll be quick.

Elly, bring us two coffees, please.

Please, take a seat.

Sorry to bother you at this hour,

but that woman who had her
nose bitten off by that condom --

What about her?

She came to me
at the precinct last night.

Yes, she was very excited.

I thought I'd check it out and--

What did she tell you?

I'm not sure.

I believe she saw
one of those condoms.

What?

Here?

In the chapel, as
far as I could understand.

Detective, this woman
wakes up every night screaming

and fantasizing about
condoms jumping in her face.

She desperately needs her meds and
sedatives. Where is she, anyway?

Does an Asian man work in this
hospital, maybe a Chinese person?

No, not that I know of. Why?

No specific reason.

The other day, for a moment, I thought I
had seen a Chinese man.

There are over a billion Chinese
people living on this planet, Detective.

It's very possible you may
have seen one of them.

To the chapel, she says
you should go to the chapel.

Why does he always
understand everything?

O'Brian!

Are you married, Detective?

Me? No.

Maybe you should consider getting a wife.

Especially for a man like
you, it is very important

that someone takes care of you in the
evening when you come home alone.

I'd rather be alone.

For this reason, the Lord
created two genders among human beings,

so that they can find one another
and then share their lives.

Yes, that might be true.

I have to go now, Dr. Riffleson.

You're very lonely, aren't you?

Goodnight, Dr. Riffleson.

I'll walk you to the exit.

I have to go in that direction, anyway.

I'm sending the
woman back to you,

but don't let her
run away again.

Don't worry, it won't happen again.

[Gunshots]

- What was that?
- What?

- Somebody fired a gun.

- Gunshots? Here? I didn't hear anything.

Who is that screaming?

That's probably the hysteric
from the first floor.

Every time the pain
becomes too great...Detective!

Professor Smirnoff?

Professor Smirnoff?

- There you are at last.

Did you bring
me red fruit jelly?

- Red what?

- Red fruit jelly.

Don't pretend that you don't
know what I'm talking about.

You're from the
police, aren't you?

They're not allowed to harm her.

I need my red jelly, I
can't live without red jelly.

- Who am I not
allowed to harm, Professor?

- Do you know what I'm doing here?

- I'm all ears.

- I'm Professor Smirnoff.

- I know.

Tell me, Professor,
who's holding you --

- I created all of this.

Just look at this graceful rubber
animal. Have a good trip, Maurice.

Would you like to know
how I created all this?

- Yes, Professor.

- A hybrid of larvae of the genera

Sammekinus, Miliaris, Citalia Simplex, and
an extremely halophilic Ikosaeder virus.

When their pronuclei fuse,
the strongly acidic

phospho-ribosilic, forminino--amido--
imidazol carboxamide...

...to produce
artificially-moving creatures

that are able to move
independently and purposetfully,

no different than how we eat food.

For example, the red fruit jelly.

- And biting off innocent men's genitals?
What is this, professor? What for?

- I still receive my red jelly for it.

- From whom?

Who gives you the
red jelly, Professor?

- I'm the one that
gives the professor red jelly.

Any other questions, Detective?

- Doctor Riffleson.
- Precisely. Now, hand me your gun.

I said, give me your gun,

or he'll blow your sick little
brain right out of your skull.

Search him.

- The game is over. The police
are here to rescue me.

- Shut up and keep working.

- No, I won't carry on.

The police will rescue me and then I,
Professor Smirnoff --

-Get to work, or there won't be
any red fruit jelly.

Come on, Detective. Get going.
And don't make a wrong move.

Go, go, go.

I'm very glad you're
visiting us here, Detective.

May I ask what
this is actually about?

I'm preparing New York for his arrival.

For whose arrival?

The arrival and return of the Lord!

I don't understand.

No, and why should you? The Lord does not
speak to the fallen.

On December 31st, 1999, here
in New York, the Lord,

accompanied by His earthly counterpart,
will land punctually on an 11:30 a.m.

flight from Rome.

He is coming to pass judgement on the
greatest, most sinful Babel in the world.

This city is like
Sodom and Gomorrah.

And I have the biblical
mission and divine honor

to lead the way by judging and
punishing in advance

the most wicked
of the deadly sinners.

Well, I --

Don't deny facts, Detective.

I know everything about you
and your unnatural activities.

The Bible says, I'am a man
shall not lie with another man,"

you know that, right?

And the Bible also says,
"Be fruitful and multiply,"

and not give in to lust
and devilish desires.

But I don't find a word in the
Scriptures about condoms,

not a word about
contraception. Nothing.

Nothing about futile
ejaculations and those disgusting orgies

of you and your
perverted friends.

Come on, Detective,
go and have a look.

A pretty little company,
isn't it, Detective?

Brothel owners and
pimps, men in drag,

cops chasing the good ones
and letting evil people go,

tourists poking their
noses into things

that are none of their
business. But I'll defeat evil.

I will not rest

until the last wicked man is
handed over on Judgement Day.

So, that's it.

A neurotic, man-hating
religious fanatic

has transformed a brilliant
scientist into an instrument

of her deranged worldview.

Professor Smirnoff's new method for
binding silicon latex with

centripetal lecithin
filaments is a sign from God

that we must put an end to all
these perverse sinners!

Uh-huh.

Come with me, Detective.

Come, come, come!

You're so fond of bragging,

you love to boast about needing
extra large condoms.

Detective Mackeroni,
this model's especially for you.

Nice of you to think of me.

I've waited for this moment for weeks. Now,
pull out your sinful Babel penis.

You're insane.

What are you waiting for?

Pull it out.

Come on, Detective.

Let's get to feeding.

Listen, Dr. Riffleson.

I'm not sure the Savior would
approve of these methods.

I mean, after all, He's
the one who gave me this nice, big penis.

To be fruitful with it!

So you can marry a woman
and start a family with her.

And what do you do with it? You stick it
into intestinal tracts of young men.

No, Detective, that wasn't what the Lord
wanted when He gave you that penis.

And now, you can finally
get it out of your pants.

Cop?

Billy!

Cop!

Yes!

I'm free!

Professor Smirnoff is free!

Cop!

Billy!

Yes!

What do you want, Professor?

Everyone dies unless I get red jelly.

Not now, Professor.

I can't go on without red jelly!

You stupid old man!

Luigi!

I guess you saved my cock, huh?

I love you, Cop.

Here.

Bandage your hand.

Excuse me, lovebirds.

I want to get down
from here, Luigi.

Mackeroni, get us down from here.

Hurry up.

Luigi, watch out.

Mackeroni!

Do you have a moment to spare for me?

The game is up, Riffleson.

How wrong you are! God is on my side!

Come, come, come!

What do you hope to achieve?
Let the boy go.

The Lord's will must be obeyed!

And the lord wants you to
jump into the condoms!

Hello, is anyone there?

Hello?

Jump!

Jump!

Hello?

Doctor Riffleson?

No.

I won't jump.

Look around, doctor.

This is your work.

Do you really think
God will forgive you?

It is Hell you've created here,

full of creatures that
could never be the work of the Lord.

You speak of sin and depravity,
and you might be right.

But look at the boy you're
pointing the gun at.

He's young and he
deserves the right to live.

There aren't any condoms in Heaven, Dr.
Riffleson, especially not ones that bite.

You speak of a God who will
judge all of mankind.

I say that God will protect all lovers.

He doesn't care if it's two
men, or a man and a woman.

He doesn't care if a man wears
women's clothing and sings in a bar.

It's possible that these
people haven't always

done the right thing, but we're
all human beings.

Everyone is responsible
for their own life path.

If God ever does pass judgement over us,

He won't need anyone to do it for Him.

Each and every one of us here,
whether gay or straight,

whether a transvestite, or an
atheist professor, brothel owner or

police officer, Serb,
Croat, or Chinese --

I don't know where
these words came from.

I delivered a sermon, confident that my
words were having an effect.

He that is without sin among
you, cast the first stone.

The only thing that irritated
me was the strange light

surrounding me and
the angelic chants.

You don't really
know what love is.

It's so dirty.

You're all so dirty.

It's over, Doctor.

You are alone.

There they are, over there. Come on,
get on with it.

Over to the right.

Let me through here.

Did you get it?

Hold it right.

You know, Luigi,

I'm fed up with playing your mother. The
job is too tiring for me.

You kept your cool, Babette.

I was a cop once, I know the score.

What will you do now?

I have no idea. First, take off these
pumps. My bra is killing me. My wig itches.

My balls are still tight as a fist,

worried that one of the
critters will bite into them.

Sam!

You were great. We were a really
good team, weren't we? Just like before.

Yeah, except you
weren't that pretty before.

I guess you deserve a few
days off, Mackeroni.

I don't want to see you in the
office for the next four weeks.

Is that clear?

I won't be coming
into the office anymore, sir.

I've had it with this job.
- I hate to hear that.

You're my best man.
- You gotta know when to stop, sir.

Has anyone ever told you how
attractive you look

when you're hanging over a
pool full of nasty condoms?

- Oh, please, don't come at me like that.
- Oh, right, how could | forget.

You're homophobic.
- Homo what?

- Homophobic.

- After Luigi's Sermon on the
Mount, nobody can possibly

have anything against
gays anymore...or?

Every man should be happy

that he has anything between his legs at
all and can do whatever he wants with it.

- Take a few days off and then
we'll talk about it.

Careful, sir.

You're a cop
through and through, Mackeroni.

You keep going.

Who knows, sir?

Thank you.

Anyhow, I'm going now.

I could use a hot bath or something.

Isn't that a wonderful idea.

At home, I have a huge
bathtub and pine needle oil.

You lie in it and it smells like
the German Black Forest in spring.

Well, what now?

I'm hungry. Let's go eat something.

Okay, but not Italian.

But I know a
wonderful kitchen.

They have the best pasta
and sauces in the world.

Really?

Yeah, it's not far from here.

Once across the
ocean and we're there.

Sicily is closer than you think.

You're not serious.

Of course I'm serious.

We've got time, right?

Have you ever been to Europe?

No.

I'll show you my homeland.

I'll show you Mount
Etna and my mother.

Will she like that, too?

No.

But we don't need to tell her
that you're not a virgin anymore.

You really want
to stop being a cop?

I don't know.

If I stop doing it, there will
definitely be a downside.

So?

You'll stop calling me
Cop and I like it when you do that.

I promise I'll always call you Cop.

- Mackeroni!

Seriously?

Say it again.

Cop.

And again.

Cop.

Again.

Cop.

Again.

Kiss me, Cop.