Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:30,368 --> 00:00:32,995
[man] 1, 2, 3...
4
00:00:33,079 --> 00:00:35,957
[♪ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama]
5
00:00:43,673 --> 00:00:46,092
[children laughing and shouting]
6
00:00:50,930 --> 00:00:53,140
[kids] Hi, Grandpa!
7
00:00:53,182 --> 00:00:54,517
Hey!
8
00:00:58,646 --> 00:01:01,107
- Ahh!
- [girl] Grandpa, over here!
9
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:02,233
Oh!
10
00:01:04,652 --> 00:01:06,445
- Hey, hey, hey!
- [kids] Grandpa!
11
00:01:06,487 --> 00:01:09,323
Everybody now, happy Fourth of July!
12
00:01:09,365 --> 00:01:10,616
Thanks, Grandpa!
13
00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:12,660
That's it, go ahead, kids.
14
00:01:12,702 --> 00:01:14,870
Dig in. I made 'em myself.
15
00:01:14,954 --> 00:01:16,247
- Bleh!
- Blech!
16
00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:19,125
[Grandpa] Pretty good.
How's that taste there, Timmy?
17
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,252
Uh, I'm not really hungry right now.
18
00:01:21,335 --> 00:01:23,129
Why don't you tell us a story?
19
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:26,591
- Yeah! One of your great stories!
- Yeah, one of your stories!
20
00:01:26,674 --> 00:01:29,427
All right, how about the one
that you kids always love?
21
00:01:29,510 --> 00:01:32,597
- The, uh... the story of Scrooge.
- Scrooge?!
22
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,558
- The guy who hated Christmas?
- That's dumb.
23
00:01:35,641 --> 00:01:39,645
Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge
hated the Fourth of July.
24
00:01:39,687 --> 00:01:41,522
Why does he hate the Fourth of July?
25
00:01:41,564 --> 00:01:45,818
Well, uh, the story begins
high on a mountaintop,
26
00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:48,863
far away in Afghanistan.
27
00:01:51,532 --> 00:01:56,037
[Arabic music playing]
28
00:01:57,872 --> 00:01:59,957
- Mohammed?
- [all] Yes, sir?
29
00:02:00,041 --> 00:02:01,083
Quiet! Calm down!
30
00:02:02,543 --> 00:02:05,421
- They're all named Mohammed, sir.
- Yes, of course.
31
00:02:05,504 --> 00:02:07,423
I must remember to use last names.
32
00:02:07,506 --> 00:02:09,800
- Hussein!
- [all] Yes, sir?
33
00:02:11,719 --> 00:02:13,387
For God's sake, you!
34
00:02:18,809 --> 00:02:20,561
- [Aziz] Is that your brother?
- Hussein?
35
00:02:20,645 --> 00:02:21,979
Why is he voting?
36
00:02:22,063 --> 00:02:24,732
It's not his fault.
He is the campaign manager.
37
00:02:24,815 --> 00:02:27,401
- What? For who?
- Mohammed Hussein.
38
00:02:27,443 --> 00:02:30,863
- [all] Yes, sir!
- Quiet!
39
00:02:30,905 --> 00:02:32,239
All right, everyone.
40
00:02:33,741 --> 00:02:35,493
Well, who's going to be the first?
41
00:02:36,827 --> 00:02:37,953
I am.
42
00:02:38,037 --> 00:02:41,540
Ah, very good. Very good.
And what is your name, young man?
43
00:02:41,582 --> 00:02:43,584
- Mu...
- Forget it. Mount up.
44
00:02:43,668 --> 00:02:47,380
- Allahu Akbar.
- What exactly did I volunteer for?
45
00:02:47,421 --> 00:02:50,383
Messenger duty.
Excellent pay.
46
00:02:50,424 --> 00:02:53,010
But, sir, this bicycle...
47
00:02:53,094 --> 00:02:55,554
- What's wrong?
- Well, it's kind of rickety.
48
00:02:55,596 --> 00:02:57,723
I don't know if it can
get back up the hill.
49
00:02:57,765 --> 00:03:00,017
I wouldn't worry about that.
50
00:03:00,101 --> 00:03:02,561
- Maybe if I take some bombs off...
- No, no, no.
51
00:03:02,603 --> 00:03:06,107
- It is a part of the uniform.
- Ah.
52
00:03:06,148 --> 00:03:07,608
[brake handles squeaking]
53
00:03:07,650 --> 00:03:10,152
And it doesn't seem
to have any brakes.
54
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:13,739
It's OK.
Allah will stop you.
55
00:03:13,781 --> 00:03:15,991
Of course.
56
00:03:21,247 --> 00:03:24,291
Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me.
57
00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:27,253
Aah!
58
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:31,716
Aah!
59
00:03:31,799 --> 00:03:34,218
Oh!
60
00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:35,302
Jesus!
61
00:03:35,344 --> 00:03:37,930
You! Go get him.
62
00:03:40,433 --> 00:03:44,186
- [moaning]
- I found the problem, sir!
63
00:03:44,270 --> 00:03:47,022
This idiot forgot to pull the firing...
64
00:03:52,987 --> 00:03:54,447
[Ahmed] Don't you see?
65
00:03:54,488 --> 00:03:57,116
We have at least destroyed
an infidel's car.
66
00:03:57,158 --> 00:03:59,744
That was my car.
67
00:04:11,255 --> 00:04:13,007
[Aziz] What's going on here?
68
00:04:13,090 --> 00:04:15,384
Huh? What are you people doing?
69
00:04:15,468 --> 00:04:17,803
Why are you voting
in this infidel election?
70
00:04:17,845 --> 00:04:19,805
Because we want democracy,
71
00:04:19,847 --> 00:04:22,683
freedom, elect a president
who will be accountable.
72
00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:25,019
Enough! Mohammed, take care of him!
73
00:04:25,102 --> 00:04:27,813
Mohammed, what in the name
of Allah are you doing?
74
00:04:27,855 --> 00:04:32,026
I'm not voting for president. But I feel
strongly about Proposition 12.
75
00:04:32,109 --> 00:04:34,528
A marriage should be
between a man and a woman.
76
00:04:36,071 --> 00:04:38,532
Or between a man
and a really good-looking man.
77
00:04:38,616 --> 00:04:42,703
- Shut up.
- This is what you vote for?
78
00:04:42,787 --> 00:04:45,706
That and immigration.
We need a guest worker program
79
00:04:45,790 --> 00:04:48,626
so that the Mexicans can do the job
the Taliban won't.
80
00:04:48,709 --> 00:04:50,878
[mariachi music blaring on radio]
81
00:04:56,217 --> 00:04:58,803
These Western ideas are dangerous.
82
00:04:58,886 --> 00:05:00,721
We must resist them at every turn.
83
00:05:00,805 --> 00:05:03,224
Leader, we're not strong anymore.
84
00:05:03,307 --> 00:05:05,726
Since the Americans came,
people have hope.
85
00:05:05,768 --> 00:05:09,522
- They are voting, woman own businesses.
- Yes, it is getting harder
86
00:05:09,563 --> 00:05:12,525
to find suicide bombers,
and all the good ones are gone.
87
00:05:12,566 --> 00:05:16,111
Sir, I think we might need
a new recruitment video.
88
00:05:16,195 --> 00:05:17,988
Look, ours...
89
00:05:18,072 --> 00:05:20,741
it looks, you know, cheap.
90
00:05:23,244 --> 00:05:25,704
[announcer] This video will teach you.
91
00:05:25,746 --> 00:05:27,832
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
92
00:05:27,915 --> 00:05:30,918
They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be more different.
93
00:05:31,001 --> 00:05:33,629
Ahmed knows punctuality is important.
94
00:05:33,712 --> 00:05:36,632
He's sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.
95
00:05:36,715 --> 00:05:38,384
[Ahmed screaming, indistinct]
96
00:05:40,094 --> 00:05:43,430
[announcer] Ahman leaves
everything to the last minute.
97
00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:45,516
[Ahman] Oh, shit!
98
00:05:45,599 --> 00:05:48,352
[announcer] Ahmed double checks
the address of the site
99
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:49,770
so there are no mistakes.
100
00:05:49,854 --> 00:05:51,313
Ahman doesn't.
101
00:05:51,397 --> 00:05:53,148
2518, 2519...
102
00:05:53,232 --> 00:05:54,942
Shit!
103
00:05:55,025 --> 00:05:57,236
[announcer] Ahmed dresses properly,
104
00:05:57,278 --> 00:06:00,614
wearing clothing that is loose enough
to hide his explosives.
105
00:06:00,698 --> 00:06:03,450
Ahman dresses inappropriately.
106
00:06:04,785 --> 00:06:08,789
Oh. You are right.
It is awful.
107
00:06:08,873 --> 00:06:10,583
If I may suggest, sir,
108
00:06:10,624 --> 00:06:14,587
what we need is
a real Hollywood director to help us.
109
00:06:14,628 --> 00:06:18,340
But he must hate America.
110
00:06:18,424 --> 00:06:21,468
This won't be hard to find in
Hollywood. They all hate America.
111
00:06:21,552 --> 00:06:25,848
Yes, but your average, girly-man
Hollywood director won't be enough.
112
00:06:25,931 --> 00:06:30,978
What we need is someone
who really, really hates America.
113
00:06:32,897 --> 00:06:35,983
[man] Is the camera on?
OK, action. Ahem.
114
00:06:36,066 --> 00:06:38,027
I am on the island
paradise, Cuba,
115
00:06:38,110 --> 00:06:40,154
where there's a hospital
on every block.
116
00:06:40,237 --> 00:06:43,699
As we can see, Cubans have the very best
health care in the world.
117
00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:45,868
Not like America,
where it can kill you.
118
00:06:45,951 --> 00:06:48,704
I've got two Americans here,
Bob and Joan Friedman,
119
00:06:48,787 --> 00:06:51,874
injured during Hurricane Katrina,
caused by you know who.
120
00:06:51,957 --> 00:06:54,376
But haven't been able
to get an American doctor
121
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:57,671
to pay a house call to their
gated community in Shaker Heights.
122
00:06:57,755 --> 00:07:00,883
- [man] Another mojito!
- Why? Because we're spending money
123
00:07:00,966 --> 00:07:03,677
on military buildup
for this phony war on terror.
124
00:07:03,719 --> 00:07:07,556
Doctor, we just want the same care
you give your own people.
125
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,058
OK, then get in line.
126
00:07:09,141 --> 00:07:10,184
Oh, oh! Comrades!
127
00:07:10,225 --> 00:07:13,020
- [man] End of the line, gringo!
- [man 2] No skipping!
128
00:07:13,062 --> 00:07:15,689
Cuba is famous for its
free prescription drug plan.
129
00:07:15,773 --> 00:07:16,941
What do you have for me?
130
00:07:17,024 --> 00:07:18,567
- Take these.
- OK.
131
00:07:18,651 --> 00:07:19,985
These are breath mints.
132
00:07:20,027 --> 00:07:23,781
- Sí, señor. Take two.
- [exhaling] Huh?
133
00:07:23,864 --> 00:07:25,741
OK, pal, there ya go.
134
00:07:25,824 --> 00:07:27,868
Free. That'll make you feel better.
135
00:07:27,910 --> 00:07:29,453
- There you go.
- Huh?
136
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:32,456
Free. You know, in America,
that'd cost an arm and a leg.
137
00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:35,626
- Aw, jeez. Dude.
- Sorry.
138
00:07:35,709 --> 00:07:38,295
That's OK, Paco, you'll be
back on your feet in no time.
139
00:07:38,379 --> 00:07:39,713
- Cuba. More...
- Ready...
140
00:07:39,797 --> 00:07:40,881
- than the jewel...
- Aim...
141
00:07:40,923 --> 00:07:42,049
- of the Caribbean.
- Fire!
142
00:07:42,132 --> 00:07:45,511
- A country that cares for its citizens.
- [woman] Finally, we can move up!
143
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,179
God! This is paradise!
144
00:07:47,221 --> 00:07:50,724
I gotta get back, but I can be
assured that my American friends
145
00:07:50,766 --> 00:07:53,727
are in good hands
in the Cuban health care system.
146
00:07:53,811 --> 00:07:56,063
[Malone on bullhorn]
It's time for me to leave
147
00:07:56,105 --> 00:07:59,733
and say goodbye
to all my little brown friends.
148
00:07:59,817 --> 00:08:01,068
And it's off to America.
149
00:08:01,151 --> 00:08:02,319
[woman] America!
150
00:08:02,403 --> 00:08:03,696
[man] He's going to America!
151
00:08:03,737 --> 00:08:05,030
[man 2] He said America!
152
00:08:05,072 --> 00:08:06,573
[people shouting]
153
00:08:06,657 --> 00:08:08,951
- Take me!
- Take me!
154
00:08:09,034 --> 00:08:11,537
I do want to say...
155
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:14,456
Whoa! Get out! Get out!
156
00:08:14,540 --> 00:08:15,958
[screaming]
157
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:20,504
[Malone] So many people wanted
to thank me, they rushed the boat.
158
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:23,799
These people know how bad
it's gotten in America.
159
00:08:23,882 --> 00:08:28,012
Well, I guess they wanted me to spread
the word about what a paradise Cuba is.
160
00:08:28,095 --> 00:08:31,473
- [screaming]
- Aah! Off my boat!
161
00:08:31,557 --> 00:08:32,558
Yeah!
162
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:35,060
[Grandpa] He thought
everybody loved his movies.
163
00:08:35,102 --> 00:08:36,562
- [girl] Did they?
- No!
164
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:39,857
Nobody loves documentaries.
But people do find them restful.
165
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:41,984
[yawning]
166
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,652
[Malone] Thank you! Thank you!
167
00:08:43,736 --> 00:08:44,862
Thank you!
168
00:08:44,945 --> 00:08:48,198
Thank you for that
great New York reception.
169
00:08:48,282 --> 00:08:50,492
But as important as this movie is,
170
00:08:50,576 --> 00:08:54,371
even more important is
the largest peace demonstration
171
00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:56,123
the world has ever known.
172
00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:59,626
This Sunday,
we're gonna abolish July 4th.
173
00:08:59,668 --> 00:09:00,753
[cheering]
174
00:09:00,794 --> 00:09:02,504
[girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July?
175
00:09:02,588 --> 00:09:05,966
[boy] It was America's birthday
party and he wasn't invited.
176
00:09:06,050 --> 00:09:08,510
[kids] Grandpa, get back to the story!
177
00:09:08,594 --> 00:09:11,722
We're sending packages to soldiers
for the Fourth of July.
178
00:09:11,805 --> 00:09:14,892
They're far from their home,
away from their families.
179
00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:18,562
They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you
be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots?
180
00:09:20,147 --> 00:09:23,442
Oh, ho, now, this is more like it!
There ya go.
181
00:09:23,484 --> 00:09:27,988
I'll take three chocolate mints,
three fudge...
182
00:09:28,072 --> 00:09:30,365
Oh, merit badges.
What are those for?
183
00:09:30,449 --> 00:09:33,452
Oh. Well, this is for making
a safety display.
184
00:09:33,494 --> 00:09:37,164
This one's for camping,
and this is a good manners badge.
185
00:09:37,247 --> 00:09:38,499
Oh!
186
00:09:38,582 --> 00:09:40,876
For being respectful
to a fat, ignorant,
187
00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,294
traitorous sack of shit.
188
00:09:44,004 --> 00:09:45,380
[girl] Grandpa!
189
00:09:45,464 --> 00:09:46,965
- Grandpa!
- [boy] I heard you!
190
00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:48,801
Oh, what? I didn't say that.
191
00:09:48,842 --> 00:09:49,927
I said, uh...
192
00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:52,679
Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor.
193
00:09:52,763 --> 00:09:54,765
- You did say that.
- No, I didn't.
194
00:09:54,848 --> 00:09:56,850
[Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back.
195
00:09:56,892 --> 00:10:00,562
We are on a roll, people.
This rally will be historic.
196
00:10:00,646 --> 00:10:03,732
- Most important since Nixon.
- Nixon?
197
00:10:03,816 --> 00:10:06,401
Total dork president
from around the Civil War.
198
00:10:06,485 --> 00:10:08,862
All the most important
progressive organizations
199
00:10:08,904 --> 00:10:10,239
will be represented. Jane?
200
00:10:10,322 --> 00:10:13,909
So far, People
For The Anti-American Way,
201
00:10:13,992 --> 00:10:17,663
Vegans Against Fur,
Man-boy Love Boat,
202
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:20,749
Potawamie Casino,
Church of Entitlement,
203
00:10:20,833 --> 00:10:22,209
- and, um...
- And?
204
00:10:22,292 --> 00:10:25,170
And... it's still early.
205
00:10:25,212 --> 00:10:26,255
The rally's Sunday!
206
00:10:26,338 --> 00:10:28,090
Don't worry, we'll get more.
207
00:10:28,173 --> 00:10:30,759
We're not shaving till
they bring the troops home.
208
00:10:30,843 --> 00:10:33,512
- Thank you, boys.
- They're women.
209
00:10:36,306 --> 00:10:37,307
[Malone] Right.
210
00:10:37,391 --> 00:10:38,475
Like all of us.
211
00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:43,897
We have to ban military recruiters
from college campuses. They interfere...
212
00:10:43,939 --> 00:10:45,149
Excuse me.
213
00:10:45,232 --> 00:10:48,068
Oh. Are you here to join
Sailors Against War?
214
00:10:48,152 --> 00:10:50,988
No, uh, I think all sailors
are against war,
215
00:10:51,071 --> 00:10:52,656
but sometimes we have to fight.
216
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,074
Soldiers Against Guns?
217
00:10:54,116 --> 00:10:57,119
No. Those guns come in handy
when we do fight.
218
00:10:57,202 --> 00:10:59,580
The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade?
219
00:10:59,705 --> 00:11:02,040
No, uh, please.
220
00:11:02,082 --> 00:11:05,002
I'm just here looking for my uncle.
His name is... Oh.
221
00:11:05,085 --> 00:11:10,090
- Uncle Michael, hey.
- Huh? Josh?
222
00:11:12,092 --> 00:11:15,554
Hey. This is my... nephew.
223
00:11:15,596 --> 00:11:19,308
Josh. He's, uh...
224
00:11:19,391 --> 00:11:20,976
What are you doin' here?
225
00:11:21,059 --> 00:11:24,396
I came here to invite you
to our Fourth of July barbecue,
226
00:11:24,438 --> 00:11:25,731
like I do every year.
227
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:29,568
Well, that's very nice of you... again,
but I'm a little busy here.
228
00:11:29,610 --> 00:11:32,196
"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding?
229
00:11:32,279 --> 00:11:35,449
This is no joke.
Why should I celebrate a country
230
00:11:35,532 --> 00:11:39,036
that's caused oppression and terror
all over the world?
231
00:11:39,119 --> 00:11:40,245
Is that how he felt?
232
00:11:40,287 --> 00:11:42,831
He was a war hero.
P.T. 109.
233
00:11:42,915 --> 00:11:45,626
He would've come around.
If he were alive today,
234
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:48,462
this Sunday, he'd be
marchin' with us in solidarity.
235
00:11:48,545 --> 00:11:51,423
Uncle Michael, I realize
how strongly you feel,
236
00:11:51,465 --> 00:11:54,676
- but Lily and I just...
- [mice squeaking]
237
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,095
We won't be going too late.
238
00:11:57,137 --> 00:12:00,265
A lot of our guests are going
to the Trace Adkins concert.
239
00:12:01,683 --> 00:12:04,645
- Who's Trace Adkins?
- I'm good.
240
00:12:04,728 --> 00:12:06,730
He's a big country music star.
241
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:09,483
Maybe not in New York,
but in the rest of the country.
242
00:12:09,566 --> 00:12:11,485
Country music doesn't speak to me.
243
00:12:11,568 --> 00:12:14,696
Not just because the music's awful
or the lyrics are stupid,
244
00:12:14,780 --> 00:12:18,242
or everybody dresses like that cowboy
from the Village People.
245
00:12:18,325 --> 00:12:21,536
- How's little Billy?
- Timmy.
246
00:12:21,620 --> 00:12:24,623
Not very well, I'm afraid,
but he's got great spirit.
247
00:12:24,665 --> 00:12:27,834
- He'd love to see you.
- Well, maybe I'll stop by next week.
248
00:12:27,918 --> 00:12:30,003
It'll probably be too late.
249
00:12:30,045 --> 00:12:33,674
- Oh, little Jimmy.
- Timmy.
250
00:12:33,715 --> 00:12:37,261
No. He'll probably
still be around, but...
251
00:12:37,344 --> 00:12:39,972
I'm shipping out to
the Persian Gulf Sunday night.
252
00:12:40,013 --> 00:12:42,391
Well, can't you get out of it?
253
00:12:42,474 --> 00:12:45,519
I want to go. It's my duty.
254
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,105
I don't get it.
How can you be related to me?
255
00:12:48,188 --> 00:12:52,025
Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here
with people from Abolish The Military.
256
00:12:54,569 --> 00:12:56,738
Well, I guess I got some work to do.
257
00:12:56,822 --> 00:12:59,825
Well, you're invited
in case you change your mind.
258
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:00,951
Right. Sure.
259
00:13:01,034 --> 00:13:03,328
Uncle Michael, I came
here in good spirits,
260
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:05,831
and I don't want to let
anything change that.
261
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:09,167
Happy Fourth of July, everyone,
and God bless America!
262
00:13:09,209 --> 00:13:12,504
[Josh] ♪ My country,
'tis of thee
263
00:13:12,546 --> 00:13:13,630
♪ Sweet land of...
264
00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:15,340
♪ Liberty
265
00:13:15,382 --> 00:13:18,427
♪ Lighted up by the rockets
in the air...
266
00:13:18,510 --> 00:13:21,013
- [kids shouting]
- Grandpa, get back to the story!
267
00:13:21,054 --> 00:13:22,639
I've never left it.
268
00:13:24,516 --> 00:13:28,353
[jazz music playing]
269
00:13:34,276 --> 00:13:36,862
I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight.
270
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,238
Oh, yes.
271
00:13:38,322 --> 00:13:41,575
I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen
are required to wear a jacket.
272
00:13:41,616 --> 00:13:43,285
Look, don't you know who I am?
273
00:13:43,368 --> 00:13:44,828
I'm Michael Malone.
274
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:48,248
Well, then perhaps a shower as well.
275
00:13:50,208 --> 00:13:53,420
What the hell? I didn't make
the top 10? That's impossible!
276
00:13:53,503 --> 00:13:57,299
Apparently, the people who like
your movies don't actually go to movies.
277
00:13:57,382 --> 00:14:00,844
No one wants to see Americans
screwed by foreigners, except in porn.
278
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,637
I haven't done porn in years!
279
00:14:02,721 --> 00:14:05,891
- [music stops]
- [nervous chuckle]
280
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:11,104
- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director.
- For a documentary. Come on.
281
00:14:11,146 --> 00:14:12,939
I know that.
282
00:14:12,981 --> 00:14:15,275
I gotta do a feature like John Ford.
283
00:14:15,317 --> 00:14:18,111
That man was a true filmmaker.
284
00:14:18,153 --> 00:14:22,032
The sweeping vision, the amazing
panoramas of Monument Valley.
285
00:14:22,115 --> 00:14:23,700
And soldiers were good guys.
286
00:14:23,784 --> 00:14:27,079
But you're leading
a demonstration against our troops.
287
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,247
Oh, right, on the Fourth of July.
288
00:14:29,289 --> 00:14:32,626
- It's not against the troops.
- Oh, save it for your crazies.
289
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,212
Look, Mikey,
290
00:14:36,129 --> 00:14:39,091
this is a fickle town.
291
00:14:39,132 --> 00:14:41,259
See the maitre d' over there, huh?
292
00:14:41,301 --> 00:14:43,470
Used to be recurring on Seinfeld.
293
00:14:44,679 --> 00:14:47,349
Hey, call me. [laughs]
294
00:14:47,432 --> 00:14:49,518
Now, what is this feature
you have in mind?
295
00:14:49,601 --> 00:14:53,647
It's a powerful drama about oppressed
people adrift in a world gone mad.
296
00:14:53,730 --> 00:14:54,773
Hmm!
297
00:14:54,815 --> 00:14:58,985
It's anti-everything-America-stands-for
without being anti-American.
298
00:14:59,069 --> 00:15:00,487
Hmm...
299
00:15:01,363 --> 00:15:04,866
Fascist America?
Comedy, right?
300
00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:06,868
Wow. [sniffs]
Did you bathe today?
301
00:15:06,952 --> 00:15:08,829
No.
302
00:15:08,912 --> 00:15:11,832
[orchestra playing]
303
00:15:11,915 --> 00:15:15,127
[announcer] And now,
live from New York City,
304
00:15:15,168 --> 00:15:17,546
it's the MooveAlong.org Film Awards,
305
00:15:17,629 --> 00:15:20,799
hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.
306
00:15:20,841 --> 00:15:22,676
And now, here are your hosts,
307
00:15:22,717 --> 00:15:24,719
Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.
308
00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:28,348
We are gathered here tonight
because we all share the same goals:
309
00:15:28,390 --> 00:15:32,018
redistribution of wealth,
freedom from the chains of materialism,
310
00:15:32,102 --> 00:15:34,479
and, of course, ending world hunger.
311
00:15:34,521 --> 00:15:37,315
- [applause]
- Finally. I'm starving.
312
00:15:38,358 --> 00:15:41,945
It's our pleasure to present
the most prestigious honor
313
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,698
in documentary film,
the Leni Riefenstahl Award.
314
00:15:44,739 --> 00:15:46,575
[applause, music]
315
00:15:46,658 --> 00:15:49,536
[Rex] As Germany's most famous
documentary filmmaker,
316
00:15:49,578 --> 00:15:52,330
Leni Riefenstahl
celebrated the incredible rise
317
00:15:52,372 --> 00:15:54,374
of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler,
318
00:15:54,416 --> 00:15:57,752
becoming a tireless promoter
of his campaign for change.
319
00:15:57,836 --> 00:16:00,547
Her pioneering use
of the wide-angle lens
320
00:16:00,589 --> 00:16:03,300
to capture the scope
of massive formations
321
00:16:03,383 --> 00:16:06,011
paved the way for
generations of filmmakers.
322
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:08,722
Through the creative
manipulation of truth,
323
00:16:08,805 --> 00:16:13,310
she was able to influence history,
demonstrating the power of film.
324
00:16:13,393 --> 00:16:17,564
[Hilton] Although resulting
in the death of over 60 million people,
325
00:16:17,606 --> 00:16:20,275
her place in any cinematic
hall of fame is secure.
326
00:16:20,358 --> 00:16:24,779
And this year's award
for best documentary director goes to...
327
00:16:24,863 --> 00:16:28,575
Michael Malone for
Die, You American Pigs.
328
00:16:28,658 --> 00:16:32,370
[announcer] This is Michael Malone's
third Moove Along award.
329
00:16:32,412 --> 00:16:36,041
He previously won for his documentaries
Shame On You, America,
330
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,960
- and America Sucks A Big One.
- Oh, OK.
331
00:16:39,044 --> 00:16:42,923
Hey. I try to tell the truth
in my films, and I get attacked...
332
00:16:43,006 --> 00:16:45,592
- [orchestra playing]
- but I'm gonna continue...
333
00:16:45,675 --> 00:16:46,718
Oh. Ha.
334
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,053
Oh. What is that?
335
00:16:50,472 --> 00:16:51,681
Ooh! Ooh!
336
00:16:56,770 --> 00:16:58,438
Get my good side.
337
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,399
That concludes the non-televised
portion of the show.
338
00:17:01,441 --> 00:17:02,734
- [drum roll]
- Huh?
339
00:17:02,776 --> 00:17:04,819
And now the highlight of the evening:
340
00:17:04,986 --> 00:17:07,072
Best Feature Film Director.
341
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,949
And the award goes to...
342
00:17:10,075 --> 00:17:11,785
[both] George Mulrooney!
343
00:17:11,826 --> 00:17:14,120
For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad.
344
00:17:14,162 --> 00:17:16,456
[announcer] The heroic story
of newscaster
345
00:17:16,498 --> 00:17:20,794
Edward R. Murrow, who half a century
ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator
346
00:17:20,835 --> 00:17:23,129
who accused people
of being communists.
347
00:17:23,171 --> 00:17:25,632
This is Mulrooney's
19th Moove Along Award
348
00:17:25,715 --> 00:17:29,094
to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys,
and two Super Bowl rings.
349
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:32,138
Thank you. I... I dedicate this award
350
00:17:32,222 --> 00:17:34,641
to all the courageous filmmakers
351
00:17:34,683 --> 00:17:36,476
who take on tough issues
352
00:17:36,518 --> 00:17:39,145
like McCarthyism,
even though it no longer exists,
353
00:17:39,229 --> 00:17:42,482
or like slavery or Nazism,
even though they ended, too.
354
00:17:42,566 --> 00:17:46,111
But you know, evil exists today.
Like, well, Islamic terrorism.
355
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:49,239
[laughing] But like I'm gonna
make that movie, right?
356
00:17:49,322 --> 00:17:52,617
Like I want to get beheaded. [choking]
357
00:17:52,659 --> 00:17:56,037
- [orchestra playing]
- [Mulrooney laughing]
358
00:17:56,121 --> 00:17:58,707
- Thank you!
- [woman] George! Over here!
359
00:17:58,790 --> 00:18:01,001
Aah!
360
00:18:01,042 --> 00:18:03,169
Ooh! Oh!
361
00:18:17,017 --> 00:18:18,143
Huh!
362
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:21,062
Oh! [chuckling]
363
00:18:22,105 --> 00:18:24,941
Wow. Mulrooney's so hot.
364
00:18:26,735 --> 00:18:28,278
Huh? Huh?
365
00:18:28,361 --> 00:18:30,363
Excuse us, Director Michael Malone.
366
00:18:30,405 --> 00:18:32,866
I am Ahmed, and this is
my comrade Mohammed.
367
00:18:32,949 --> 00:18:33,950
Nice to meet you.
368
00:18:34,034 --> 00:18:38,204
Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie
to inspire the final jihad.
369
00:18:38,246 --> 00:18:42,917
Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea,
but I'm only doin' big-budget features.
370
00:18:43,001 --> 00:18:44,961
How big of a budget would you need?
371
00:18:45,045 --> 00:18:47,088
A feature? 10 million minimum.
372
00:18:47,172 --> 00:18:49,174
Call me when you sold enough falafel.
373
00:18:52,636 --> 00:18:55,013
Ahmed, Mohammed.
374
00:18:55,055 --> 00:18:56,181
[both] Who are you?
375
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:57,515
It's me.
376
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:01,561
- Aziz!
- Shh!
377
00:19:03,063 --> 00:19:06,024
- What are you doing here?
- We have a more important mission.
378
00:19:06,066 --> 00:19:08,234
- But the movie.
- It can wait.
379
00:19:08,318 --> 00:19:11,946
This will be the most spectacular attack
on the infidels ever.
380
00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:15,492
But we need to find someone important
with the right connections.
381
00:19:15,575 --> 00:19:18,078
[Malone] I'm directing
Mulrooney's next picture.
382
00:19:18,161 --> 00:19:20,372
- Someone like that.
- Director Akbar?
383
00:19:20,413 --> 00:19:22,916
Yes. What will it take
to get him to cooperate?
384
00:19:22,999 --> 00:19:24,376
[both] $10 million.
385
00:19:24,417 --> 00:19:27,337
Well, the opium crop
is very good this year.
386
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:29,297
Money will be no problem.
387
00:19:29,381 --> 00:19:30,924
Allahu Akbar.
388
00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:34,594
So I said to Spielberg,
Steve, you can't...
389
00:19:34,678 --> 00:19:36,179
Ooh, crab cakes.
390
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,264
Say, want to go to Clint's
party with me?
391
00:19:38,348 --> 00:19:39,432
Director Akbar!
392
00:19:39,474 --> 00:19:43,269
- We have glorious news for you...
- George! George!
393
00:19:43,353 --> 00:19:44,437
We have 10 million.
394
00:19:44,479 --> 00:19:47,774
Must have been a good opium
crop this year. George, over here.
395
00:19:47,816 --> 00:19:51,486
- 10 million U.S. dollars, cash.
- Cash? Right!
396
00:19:51,569 --> 00:19:54,072
- Good! So you'll do it.
- Yeah, right.
397
00:19:54,114 --> 00:19:57,117
Have your people contact my people.
398
00:19:58,201 --> 00:20:00,453
I bet she would look great in a burka.
399
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,499
[Entertainment Tonight
theme music playing]
400
00:20:04,582 --> 00:20:08,044
[humming along]
401
00:20:08,128 --> 00:20:10,130
[Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight
402
00:20:10,213 --> 00:20:13,967
takes you behind the scenes
to discover where are they now?
403
00:20:14,008 --> 00:20:17,637
We're going to find out
whatever happened to Michael Malone,
404
00:20:17,721 --> 00:20:19,764
the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get
405
00:20:19,806 --> 00:20:22,684
a new movie off the ground,
a feature. [laughs]
406
00:20:22,767 --> 00:20:25,228
After the news that
his latest movie tanked...
407
00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:28,398
- What?!
- Who is gonna bankroll that?
408
00:20:28,481 --> 00:20:31,276
This past Tuesday,
we finally tracked down
409
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,319
Clyde the orangutan...
410
00:20:33,403 --> 00:20:36,990
[Seinfeld-like music playing]
411
00:20:37,031 --> 00:20:40,034
- Are you sure you have $10 million?
- Absolutely.
412
00:20:40,118 --> 00:20:41,911
Then why'd you come to me?
413
00:20:41,995 --> 00:20:45,248
We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah!
414
00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:48,001
Sorry. My friend is not detonating
on all cylinders.
415
00:20:48,084 --> 00:20:51,004
He meant, your movies
are filled with big, fat lies.
416
00:20:51,087 --> 00:20:54,174
It's OK. They're documentaries.
They don't have to be true.
417
00:20:54,215 --> 00:20:56,301
Look, I love America.
418
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:59,596
That's why it needs to be destroyed,
so it'll come to its senses.
419
00:20:59,679 --> 00:21:02,223
Right. Well, anyway,
we need your help.
420
00:21:02,307 --> 00:21:04,350
No matter how many people we kill,
421
00:21:04,392 --> 00:21:06,186
we cannot get rid of the Americans.
422
00:21:06,269 --> 00:21:08,354
We need a movie that shows
we are winning.
423
00:21:08,438 --> 00:21:09,814
Even though we're not. Aah!
424
00:21:09,856 --> 00:21:12,025
Director Akbar, we already have an idea.
425
00:21:12,108 --> 00:21:14,694
It's a traditional Taliban love story.
426
00:21:14,736 --> 00:21:18,239
Boy meets girl, boy falls in love
with girl, boy cuts girl's head off.
427
00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:19,616
What?
428
00:21:19,699 --> 00:21:22,368
Happy ending. He preserves his honor.
429
00:21:22,410 --> 00:21:25,872
Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie
about homicidal psychopaths
430
00:21:25,914 --> 00:21:27,373
who cut people's heads off.
431
00:21:27,457 --> 00:21:30,335
I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script.
432
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:33,004
Dramatic story about
how one courageous man
433
00:21:33,046 --> 00:21:35,548
took on the system
and exposed America's evil.
434
00:21:35,590 --> 00:21:38,343
Like Hannah Montana. Wait!
435
00:21:38,384 --> 00:21:42,597
- Thank you. Oh!
- [Seinfeld-like music playing]
436
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:44,724
You gonna finish that?
437
00:21:44,766 --> 00:21:47,101
Wait. He's going to work
for terrorists?
438
00:21:47,185 --> 00:21:50,855
- It's looking that way, isn't it?
- Doesn't that make him a terrorist?
439
00:21:50,897 --> 00:21:53,608
[girl] No, silly.
That just makes him a total idiot.
440
00:21:55,610 --> 00:21:57,445
[announcer]...first-place tie.
441
00:21:57,529 --> 00:21:58,738
[changing channels]
442
00:21:58,822 --> 00:22:02,283
[announcer] John F. Kennedy,
35th president of the United States,
443
00:22:02,367 --> 00:22:04,994
cut down by an assassin's bullet.
444
00:22:05,078 --> 00:22:09,165
The tears were not only for a president,
but for what he stood for,
445
00:22:09,249 --> 00:22:11,584
the causes he held dear.
446
00:22:11,668 --> 00:22:15,296
[Kennedy] Let us never
negotiate out of fear,
447
00:22:15,380 --> 00:22:20,426
- but let us never fear to negotiate.
- My hero. A man of peace.
448
00:22:20,510 --> 00:22:22,554
If only you were president now.
449
00:22:24,848 --> 00:22:25,849
Wait.
450
00:22:30,019 --> 00:22:32,689
If I were president, what?
451
00:22:33,898 --> 00:22:35,441
[Malone gasping]
452
00:22:35,483 --> 00:22:38,945
You said that I was a hero,
a true peacemaker.
453
00:22:42,282 --> 00:22:43,741
[Malone] You can't be here!
454
00:22:43,783 --> 00:22:45,368
You're dead!
455
00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:49,414
- You must redeem yourself.
- How'd you do that?
456
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:51,958
This is the greatest country
in history,
457
00:22:52,041 --> 00:22:54,502
and you have slandered it
all over the globe.
458
00:22:54,586 --> 00:22:57,881
I was tryin' to be like you.
You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam.
459
00:22:57,964 --> 00:23:00,550
- Who told you that?
- Oliver Stone. In his movie.
460
00:23:00,633 --> 00:23:03,636
Oh, brother! Did you
ever read my inaugural address?
461
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,348
Of course! "Ask not what
your country can do for you.
462
00:23:07,432 --> 00:23:08,975
Ask what..." Aah!
463
00:23:09,017 --> 00:23:12,061
Not that part.
The part about going to war.
464
00:23:12,145 --> 00:23:14,439
- There was a war part?
- Oh, brother.
465
00:23:19,068 --> 00:23:20,820
Let every nation know,
466
00:23:20,862 --> 00:23:23,323
whether they wish us well or ill,
467
00:23:23,406 --> 00:23:25,783
that we shall pay any price,
468
00:23:25,825 --> 00:23:27,785
bear any burden...
469
00:23:27,827 --> 00:23:28,828
[tapping screen]
470
00:23:28,912 --> 00:23:32,290
Meet any hardship, support any friend,
471
00:23:32,332 --> 00:23:37,337
oppose any foe, to assure the survival
472
00:23:37,378 --> 00:23:39,005
and the success of liberty.
473
00:23:39,047 --> 00:23:41,591
Uh, thanks, folks.
474
00:23:41,674 --> 00:23:45,011
Oh!
I didn't know about the war part.
475
00:23:45,053 --> 00:23:48,264
What do you think that meant?
Draft another 8 U.N. Resolutions?
476
00:23:48,348 --> 00:23:49,766
You sound like Reagan.
477
00:23:49,849 --> 00:23:52,268
Thank you.
You're not gonna eat that, are you?
478
00:23:52,352 --> 00:23:56,064
OK, look, you will be
visited by three spirits.
479
00:23:56,147 --> 00:23:57,357
Listen to them.
480
00:23:57,398 --> 00:23:58,399
Learn from them.
481
00:23:58,483 --> 00:23:59,651
Oh, yeah.
482
00:23:59,692 --> 00:24:04,113
The spirits are gonna come scare me,
and I'm gonna be born again, right?
483
00:24:05,823 --> 00:24:07,241
What a douchebag.
484
00:24:09,661 --> 00:24:10,703
Hey, wait!
485
00:24:10,745 --> 00:24:13,623
Hey, when are these spirits
gonna... Aah!
486
00:24:19,253 --> 00:24:22,256
[alarm clock beeping]
487
00:24:24,676 --> 00:24:25,843
Oh!
488
00:24:27,762 --> 00:24:29,138
What a nightmare.
489
00:24:30,390 --> 00:24:31,641
I'm gonna be late!
490
00:24:33,601 --> 00:24:34,644
Ooh!
491
00:24:34,727 --> 00:24:37,063
[Grandpa] He rushed
to Columbia University
492
00:24:37,105 --> 00:24:39,607
to lead a demonstration
against the troops.
493
00:24:39,691 --> 00:24:42,735
- [girl] What's a demonstration?
- Well, in this case,
494
00:24:42,819 --> 00:24:46,739
it's when students show how much they
don't know by repeating it loudly.
495
00:24:46,823 --> 00:24:50,076
[protesters chanting]
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
496
00:24:50,159 --> 00:24:53,204
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
497
00:24:53,246 --> 00:24:55,123
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
498
00:24:55,206 --> 00:24:56,958
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
499
00:24:57,041 --> 00:24:58,584
Peace, yes, recruiters, no!
500
00:24:58,668 --> 00:25:01,921
[Malone] There is nothing more important
than stopping war!
501
00:25:01,963 --> 00:25:04,507
No more wars! No more wars!
502
00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:08,177
Because instead of fighting,
we should talk to our enemies!
503
00:25:08,261 --> 00:25:10,138
Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight!
504
00:25:10,221 --> 00:25:14,809
Right! Right! Don't believe
the government lies!
505
00:25:14,892 --> 00:25:17,353
Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies!
506
00:25:17,437 --> 00:25:20,690
Good... good.
That's good chanting. Good.
507
00:25:20,773 --> 00:25:24,610
There is no terrorist threat!
The government just wants to...
508
00:25:24,694 --> 00:25:27,321
The government just wants!
The government just wants!
509
00:25:27,405 --> 00:25:31,159
That doesn't make any sense.
Please hang on a second. Please, OK?
510
00:25:31,242 --> 00:25:32,410
[chanting stops]
511
00:25:32,452 --> 00:25:35,121
The government is exaggerating
the terrorist threat
512
00:25:35,204 --> 00:25:36,998
for its own nefarious purposes!
513
00:25:37,081 --> 00:25:40,710
What does nefarious mean?
What does nefarious mean?
514
00:25:40,793 --> 00:25:44,255
Well, you know, it means...
just hang on a second.
515
00:25:44,297 --> 00:25:47,133
Can we just stop chanting, please?
516
00:25:47,175 --> 00:25:50,303
- Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't...
- Will you shut up?!
517
00:25:50,386 --> 00:25:52,513
Just shut up for a second!
518
00:25:52,597 --> 00:25:57,310
OK, uh... can we just try
to listen for a minute
519
00:25:57,393 --> 00:25:58,853
without the chanting?
520
00:25:58,936 --> 00:26:01,189
OK, we have to stop...
521
00:26:01,272 --> 00:26:03,733
Hey! Free history term papers!
522
00:26:03,816 --> 00:26:05,109
- [shouting]
- Whoa!
523
00:26:05,151 --> 00:26:06,819
Oh!
524
00:26:10,156 --> 00:26:11,532
Ooh!
525
00:26:15,828 --> 00:26:17,205
Ooh, thanks a lot.
526
00:26:17,288 --> 00:26:18,664
That got a little wild.
527
00:26:20,917 --> 00:26:24,879
Hey, who are you?
Army recruitin' senior citizens?
528
00:26:24,962 --> 00:26:26,422
Aah! Hey!
529
00:26:26,506 --> 00:26:31,803
That's "Hey, sir", maggot.
I am General George S. Patton.
530
00:26:31,844 --> 00:26:33,513
That explains the slapping.
531
00:26:33,554 --> 00:26:36,224
You're General George Patton,
from the movie?
532
00:26:36,307 --> 00:26:42,146
No. From the United States Army,
back when this country was winning wars.
533
00:26:42,188 --> 00:26:45,191
Oh, my God, JFK.
534
00:26:45,274 --> 00:26:50,071
"You will be visited by three..."
Aah! Hey! What's with all the slapping?
535
00:26:50,154 --> 00:26:52,573
It's my trademark.
536
00:26:52,657 --> 00:26:55,660
Well, maybe you ought
to try a baseball cap.
537
00:26:55,701 --> 00:26:57,245
[protesters] No more war!
538
00:26:57,328 --> 00:26:58,913
No more war!
539
00:26:58,996 --> 00:27:00,289
No more war!
540
00:27:00,373 --> 00:27:03,042
- Hey, where am I?
- No more war!
541
00:27:03,126 --> 00:27:05,294
We pledge ourselves!
542
00:27:05,378 --> 00:27:09,632
We will not support the United States
in any war!
543
00:27:09,715 --> 00:27:11,717
Right on, sister.
544
00:27:11,759 --> 00:27:15,096
- So, what's goin' on here?
- Damn peace demonstration.
545
00:27:15,179 --> 00:27:18,808
Just like yours, only this is 1940.
They don't want us to fight Hitler.
546
00:27:18,891 --> 00:27:21,561
- So they can't see us.
- Right.
547
00:27:21,644 --> 00:27:23,146
Hmm. Aah!
548
00:27:23,229 --> 00:27:25,231
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
549
00:27:25,314 --> 00:27:27,441
I'm startin' to notice a pattern here.
550
00:27:27,525 --> 00:27:30,862
- Anyway, this never happened!
- This absolutely happened.
551
00:27:30,903 --> 00:27:35,158
Well, they're pacifists. They understand
war doesn't solve problems.
552
00:27:35,241 --> 00:27:38,369
The only way is to sign
agreements like civilized people,
553
00:27:38,411 --> 00:27:42,331
- not like sadistic movie generals.
- That general you saw was an actor!
554
00:27:42,415 --> 00:27:44,917
I'll show you what
the real Patton was up against!
555
00:27:48,254 --> 00:27:51,424
OK, where are we now?
Who's the guy dressed as a butler?
556
00:27:51,465 --> 00:27:53,467
Germany, September, 1938.
557
00:27:53,551 --> 00:27:57,138
That's Neville Chamberlain,
weak-assed prime minister of England.
558
00:27:57,221 --> 00:28:00,016
Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement.
559
00:28:00,099 --> 00:28:03,394
[Chamberlain] Right. This gives you
all the Sudetenland,
560
00:28:03,436 --> 00:28:06,355
Austria, and a couple countries
I can't pronounce.
561
00:28:06,439 --> 00:28:08,316
And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia.
562
00:28:08,399 --> 00:28:11,777
So that's C A, no. T... Oh!
563
00:28:11,819 --> 00:28:13,279
Let's make it Poland.
564
00:28:13,362 --> 00:28:16,157
The important thing is we now have hope.
565
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,035
See? He stands for what's important.
566
00:28:19,118 --> 00:28:21,245
Does that look like standing to you?
567
00:28:22,288 --> 00:28:25,249
- There. How's that?
- You missed a spot.
568
00:28:25,291 --> 00:28:28,836
[Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys
are playin' you for a fool?
569
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:29,962
[whistling]
570
00:28:30,004 --> 00:28:33,674
- War is not the answer.
- [Patton] You wimpy little bastard!
571
00:28:33,758 --> 00:28:36,552
You're givin' this Nazi everything
and gettin' nothin' in return!
572
00:28:36,636 --> 00:28:39,013
Not nothing. We get peace.
573
00:28:39,096 --> 00:28:42,475
♪ Kumbaya, my lord
574
00:28:42,516 --> 00:28:45,978
- ♪ Kumbaya
- And a damn fine cup of tea.
575
00:28:46,562 --> 00:28:49,357
Und we'll name
a concentration camp after you.
576
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,401
Think of it...
Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain.
577
00:28:52,485 --> 00:28:53,527
Lovely.
578
00:28:55,029 --> 00:28:56,489
Hang on. I'm good at this.
579
00:28:56,530 --> 00:28:58,491
Mr. Herr President,
580
00:28:58,574 --> 00:29:01,744
obviously America's done
something wrong to make you
581
00:29:01,827 --> 00:29:04,288
want to invade these countries
and kill innocent people.
582
00:29:04,330 --> 00:29:08,167
- I'm just as frustrated as you.
- Excuse me, Fuhrer...
583
00:29:08,251 --> 00:29:10,503
- ♪ You're a grand old flag...
- May I have a word?
584
00:29:10,544 --> 00:29:14,423
Hang on. America keeps doing things
to piss off the rest of the world.
585
00:29:14,507 --> 00:29:15,800
We bring it on ourselves.
586
00:29:15,841 --> 00:29:19,095
What do we do to address
your understandable grievances?
587
00:29:19,178 --> 00:29:21,055
How about carbon emission credits?
588
00:29:21,138 --> 00:29:23,599
That'll offset your need to invade
France...
589
00:29:23,683 --> 00:29:24,976
Aah!
590
00:29:25,017 --> 00:29:27,103
[soldiers] I don't know,
but I been told,
591
00:29:27,186 --> 00:29:29,105
kill some Jews and take their gold.
592
00:29:29,188 --> 00:29:33,150
Third floor. Right. Sorry.
593
00:29:33,192 --> 00:29:36,279
They really should add flying
to the things we can do.
594
00:29:36,362 --> 00:29:40,199
My point is talking to evil dictators
gets you nothing.
595
00:29:40,283 --> 00:29:42,201
You know one thing they understand?
596
00:29:42,285 --> 00:29:44,787
I'm guessing some sort
of physical violence.
597
00:29:44,870 --> 00:29:48,207
- Strength. That's the only thing.
- Right. I'll remember that.
598
00:29:48,249 --> 00:29:50,876
Is there anything you think
is worth fighting for?
599
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,797
Well, I'd kill to do a feature.
Now, can we please just go home?
600
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:58,384
Sure thing. Right home.
Cigar?
601
00:29:58,426 --> 00:30:02,054
And support the imperialist
big business tobacco lobby? Never.
602
00:30:02,138 --> 00:30:03,180
It's Cuban.
603
00:30:03,222 --> 00:30:07,226
Hmm... I guess I can make an exception.
604
00:30:07,310 --> 00:30:11,063
Ah! Takes me back.
605
00:30:11,147 --> 00:30:12,398
What the hell is this?
606
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:16,110
- Your home. Maloneville, Alabama.
- I live in Alabama?
607
00:30:16,193 --> 00:30:19,864
Didn't you hear? Around 1860,
all the good jobs started to move south.
608
00:30:19,905 --> 00:30:22,033
- After the Civil War?
- There was no war.
609
00:30:22,074 --> 00:30:24,577
Lincoln agreed with you.
War was not the answer.
610
00:30:24,660 --> 00:30:27,455
- Saved 600,000 American lives.
- Well, that's good.
611
00:30:27,538 --> 00:30:29,874
Good move for the economy here, too.
612
00:30:29,915 --> 00:30:32,376
- What? Why?
- Cheap labor.
613
00:30:32,418 --> 00:30:35,212
Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone!
614
00:30:35,254 --> 00:30:37,923
I had the boys polish your trophies
like you told us.
615
00:30:37,965 --> 00:30:39,425
Polish my trophies?
616
00:30:39,508 --> 00:30:41,761
I ain't know they
gave awards for a documentary.
617
00:30:41,802 --> 00:30:45,264
You know, for your information...
Wait! Who are these people?
618
00:30:45,348 --> 00:30:47,808
You're the biggest
slave owner in the state.
619
00:30:47,892 --> 00:30:50,019
Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me?
620
00:30:50,102 --> 00:30:51,228
I's Rastus.
621
00:30:51,270 --> 00:30:54,106
What? Oh, this can't be happening.
622
00:30:55,149 --> 00:30:56,776
Hey, isn't that...
623
00:30:58,110 --> 00:31:00,154
Yeah, that's him, all right.
624
00:31:00,237 --> 00:31:02,323
Don't you worry, mass'a Malone.
625
00:31:02,406 --> 00:31:05,076
We got them bacon stains
out of the upholstery.
626
00:31:05,117 --> 00:31:08,287
It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln
never fought no wars.
627
00:31:08,371 --> 00:31:13,334
Oh... look, uh, Rastus,
you know this isn't real, right?
628
00:31:13,417 --> 00:31:16,796
Whatever you say, mass'a.
Whatever you say, I guess this old ni...
629
00:31:16,879 --> 00:31:18,672
No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that.
630
00:31:18,756 --> 00:31:21,175
Mass'a Malone!
Mass'a Malone! Good news!
631
00:31:21,258 --> 00:31:24,887
Productivity is through the roof since
you sold Daddy and the old folks!
632
00:31:24,970 --> 00:31:27,056
Now we can buy us
about 20 new bucks
633
00:31:27,139 --> 00:31:28,974
and start pickin' some cotton!
634
00:31:29,016 --> 00:31:31,811
[men, singing in harmony]
♪ The trouble I've seen...
635
00:31:31,852 --> 00:31:35,272
Rastus, tell me, how does old
mass'a Malone treat his slaves?
636
00:31:35,314 --> 00:31:37,817
Mass'a Malone is the bestest,
637
00:31:37,858 --> 00:31:41,028
most kindliest mass'a
a slave could have.
638
00:31:41,112 --> 00:31:43,823
Oh, he don't beat us
unless we awful bad.
639
00:31:43,864 --> 00:31:46,992
And he don't sell the li'l children
until they 6 months old.
640
00:31:47,034 --> 00:31:49,036
No, no, no! I...
641
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:53,833
Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed
from the beatin' you gave me yesterday!
642
00:31:53,916 --> 00:31:56,752
No, I wasn't gonna be...
Can you make them stop?
643
00:31:56,836 --> 00:31:58,045
Look, here, y'all!
644
00:31:58,129 --> 00:32:01,632
Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit!
Kick somethin' into 4/4!
645
00:32:01,674 --> 00:32:02,716
[man] 1, 2, 3, 4.
646
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,511
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila
647
00:32:05,553 --> 00:32:09,014
♪ Hava nagila ve nis'mecha
648
00:32:09,056 --> 00:32:12,435
♪ Hava nagila, we are so happy
649
00:32:12,518 --> 00:32:15,312
♪ That mass'a owns us
He is the best, yeah!
650
00:32:15,354 --> 00:32:17,189
I gotta get out of here!
651
00:32:17,273 --> 00:32:20,359
All right, mass'a leavin'.
Everybody wave goodbye.
652
00:32:20,443 --> 00:32:23,863
- Hope you can buy some more of us.
- We sure could use a baritone.
653
00:32:23,904 --> 00:32:25,489
- Huh?
- [girl] Bye, Daddy.
654
00:32:25,531 --> 00:32:27,658
- [Malone screams]
- [boy] Bye, Daddy!
655
00:32:27,700 --> 00:32:30,077
- [girl 2] Bye, Daddy!
- [girl 3] Bye, Daddy!
656
00:32:30,161 --> 00:32:31,328
[screaming]
657
00:32:31,370 --> 00:32:34,748
- Aw, that was sick.
- Not as sick as slavery.
658
00:32:36,876 --> 00:32:40,629
Lincoln is revered now
for fighting that war.
659
00:32:41,964 --> 00:32:43,174
Hey, you would know.
660
00:32:43,215 --> 00:32:46,469
- Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay.
- [cell phone ringing]
661
00:32:46,552 --> 00:32:48,179
Why don't I just shoot you now?
662
00:32:48,220 --> 00:32:50,181
Well, maybe he just had
a wide stance.
663
00:32:50,222 --> 00:32:52,057
Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello!
664
00:32:52,141 --> 00:32:53,767
Michael? Where are you?
665
00:32:53,851 --> 00:32:57,563
- Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C.
- Yeah, right. Wherever you are,
666
00:32:57,605 --> 00:33:00,232
you're supposed to be
at Columbia in the morning.
667
00:33:00,316 --> 00:33:01,692
I know. Of course.
668
00:33:01,734 --> 00:33:04,069
- [phone beeps]
- Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane?
669
00:33:04,111 --> 00:33:06,530
[off-the-hook signal]
670
00:33:06,572 --> 00:33:09,950
- Damn cell phones.
- Here. Use mine.
671
00:33:11,744 --> 00:33:14,205
But do your minutes roll over
to the next month?
672
00:33:14,246 --> 00:33:15,247
Course they do.
673
00:33:15,331 --> 00:33:18,751
- But do you get unlimited texting?
- You think I was born yesterday?
674
00:33:18,792 --> 00:33:20,211
[students conversing]
675
00:33:20,252 --> 00:33:21,587
[door opens]
676
00:33:21,670 --> 00:33:22,880
Your people.
677
00:33:22,922 --> 00:33:24,507
Yep, the students love me.
678
00:33:24,590 --> 00:33:26,467
Love you? They don't even know you.
679
00:33:26,550 --> 00:33:27,801
You're unique.
680
00:33:27,885 --> 00:33:30,095
A liberal director
who can't even get laid
681
00:33:30,179 --> 00:33:32,848
at the University
Peace Studies Department.
682
00:33:32,932 --> 00:33:36,018
- They flock to my movies.
- They flock to slasher movies.
683
00:33:36,101 --> 00:33:38,771
They go to your movies
'cause professors tell them to.
684
00:33:38,812 --> 00:33:42,233
This is where they get information
to support the peace movement.
685
00:33:42,274 --> 00:33:45,444
- It's called education.
- It's called indoctrination.
686
00:33:45,528 --> 00:33:49,365
The American flag is a symbol
of oppression all over the world.
687
00:33:49,448 --> 00:33:51,575
July 4th is a despicable celebration.
688
00:33:51,617 --> 00:33:54,537
I know that look.
You're gonna try to teach me somethin'.
689
00:33:54,620 --> 00:33:56,914
Where we gonna go now, back in time?
690
00:33:56,956 --> 00:33:59,458
We don't have to. We're at a university.
691
00:33:59,542 --> 00:34:00,960
[pitch pipe plays note]
692
00:34:01,043 --> 00:34:03,796
♪ Nothing has changed
693
00:34:03,837 --> 00:34:07,299
♪ We still think the same way
694
00:34:07,383 --> 00:34:10,636
♪ And if you think the way we do
695
00:34:10,678 --> 00:34:13,681
♪ We'll give you an A
696
00:34:13,764 --> 00:34:16,517
♪ And you get extra credit
697
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:20,187
♪ If you're poor, black, or gay
698
00:34:20,271 --> 00:34:24,441
♪ Just be sure not to pray
699
00:34:24,483 --> 00:34:27,861
♪ Yes, everything's the same
700
00:34:27,945 --> 00:34:28,946
Mmm!
701
00:34:28,988 --> 00:34:30,155
- [slap]
- Aah!
702
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:32,032
[man] Two, three, four.
703
00:34:32,116 --> 00:34:34,660
♪ The president's stupid,
our soldiers are thugs
704
00:34:34,743 --> 00:34:36,620
♪ The government's dirty
705
00:34:36,662 --> 00:34:38,163
♪ Our cops are on drugs
706
00:34:38,205 --> 00:34:41,292
♪ But we still like our co-eds
with blond hair and jugs
707
00:34:41,333 --> 00:34:44,837
♪ And America's to blame
708
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:48,340
♪ Just like in 1968
709
00:34:48,382 --> 00:34:50,593
- Are you kidding? A musical number?
- ♪ 1968
710
00:34:50,676 --> 00:34:52,177
A little entertainment.
711
00:34:52,219 --> 00:34:54,555
♪ We were smart
We let something depart...
712
00:34:54,638 --> 00:34:56,390
What kind of a soldier are you?
713
00:34:56,473 --> 00:34:58,851
Startin' to understand
the boots and the whip.
714
00:34:58,892 --> 00:35:02,146
♪ 1968, things were really great
715
00:35:02,187 --> 00:35:04,023
♪ I used to ovulate
716
00:35:04,064 --> 00:35:07,443
♪ You gotta love 1968
717
00:35:07,526 --> 00:35:09,862
Hey, what are you doin' with our kids?
718
00:35:09,945 --> 00:35:10,946
♪ ...in the moon
719
00:35:11,030 --> 00:35:14,074
♪ And so what if there are facts
That we forget to include?
720
00:35:14,158 --> 00:35:17,119
♪ We've already got tenure
So your children are screwed
721
00:35:17,202 --> 00:35:20,664
♪ To a college with half a brain
Nothin's changed
722
00:35:20,706 --> 00:35:23,042
What do your parents
think you're doin' here?
723
00:35:23,125 --> 00:35:25,544
They're just happy to
have us out of the house.
724
00:35:25,586 --> 00:35:28,589
Wanna hear what you're
spending your life savings on?
725
00:35:28,672 --> 00:35:31,550
- I gave up an ass lift for this?
- Take a look!
726
00:35:31,634 --> 00:35:34,386
♪ America's evil, it's a fascist regime
727
00:35:34,428 --> 00:35:37,765
♪ Take over the world
It's the American dream
728
00:35:37,848 --> 00:35:40,559
♪ And pay no attention
to the being supreme
729
00:35:40,601 --> 00:35:46,231
[Malone]♪ He doesn't matter
Anymore
730
00:35:49,026 --> 00:35:50,069
Oh.
731
00:35:50,110 --> 00:35:53,197
♪ Just like in 1968
732
00:35:54,573 --> 00:35:56,241
♪ 1968
733
00:35:57,534 --> 00:36:00,496
♪ 1968
734
00:36:00,579 --> 00:36:02,456
♪ 1968
735
00:36:02,539 --> 00:36:03,749
♪ Come on to 19
736
00:36:03,832 --> 00:36:05,542
♪ 1968
737
00:36:05,584 --> 00:36:06,919
♪ Let's keep singin' it
738
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:08,962
♪ 1968
739
00:36:09,046 --> 00:36:12,257
- So, what do you think now?
- I'm still against torture.
740
00:36:12,341 --> 00:36:14,718
OK, so they're
a little behind the times.
741
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:18,263
It doesn't make it OK for you to
embarrass those great professors.
742
00:36:18,305 --> 00:36:20,265
Doin' a good job
of that themselves.
743
00:36:20,349 --> 00:36:22,226
They're only tryin'
to bring peace.
744
00:36:22,267 --> 00:36:25,896
By indoctrinating an entire generation
to hate its own country.
745
00:36:25,938 --> 00:36:27,564
Well, they teach math, too.
746
00:36:28,816 --> 00:36:32,277
When was it in your life
that you went so completely wrong?
747
00:36:32,319 --> 00:36:33,904
Was it in college?
748
00:36:33,946 --> 00:36:34,988
Before that?
749
00:36:35,072 --> 00:36:36,156
Was it a girl?
750
00:36:38,409 --> 00:36:40,536
[doorbell rings]
751
00:36:40,619 --> 00:36:43,288
- Michael!
- Molly!
752
00:36:46,208 --> 00:36:50,254
Molly, I'm off to save the world,
but I'll be back.
753
00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:53,382
Oh, Michael, war is
such a terrible thing.
754
00:36:53,465 --> 00:36:54,550
I know, Molly.
755
00:36:54,633 --> 00:36:56,802
That's why I'm going off
to film school.
756
00:36:56,844 --> 00:36:58,721
Film school?
757
00:36:58,804 --> 00:37:01,557
Yes. No sacrifice too great.
758
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:03,267
You'll wait for me of course?
759
00:37:03,308 --> 00:37:05,310
Sure. Or course.
760
00:37:05,394 --> 00:37:06,979
Take your time.
761
00:37:12,985 --> 00:37:14,653
But she didn't wait, did she?
762
00:37:14,695 --> 00:37:17,948
She tried, but I was gone so long.
763
00:37:17,990 --> 00:37:21,034
Long? You were kicked out
in the first semester.
764
00:37:21,118 --> 00:37:22,286
[doorbell rings]
765
00:37:22,327 --> 00:37:23,454
[Molly] Coming!
766
00:37:28,667 --> 00:37:31,003
- Molly.
- Marty!
767
00:37:37,134 --> 00:37:38,552
Oh, my God!
768
00:37:38,635 --> 00:37:41,180
This can't be happening!
769
00:37:41,221 --> 00:37:42,514
My best friend?
770
00:37:42,556 --> 00:37:45,726
We fell in love while you were gone.
771
00:37:45,809 --> 00:37:48,270
No! I mean, he's in the army!
772
00:37:48,353 --> 00:37:50,856
How terrible! You got drafted!
773
00:37:50,939 --> 00:37:52,524
No, Michael. I enlisted.
774
00:37:52,608 --> 00:37:54,193
I want to serve my country.
775
00:37:54,276 --> 00:37:57,529
How could you want to serve
the corrupt American war machine?
776
00:37:57,613 --> 00:38:00,073
- Molly.
- Marty.
777
00:38:00,157 --> 00:38:03,535
I just love men in uniform.
778
00:38:03,577 --> 00:38:05,954
Oh, shoot.
779
00:38:09,458 --> 00:38:12,336
You know, that uniform
always worked for me, too.
780
00:38:12,377 --> 00:38:13,545
[chuckles]
781
00:38:13,629 --> 00:38:15,756
So, you remember what happened next.
782
00:38:15,839 --> 00:38:18,884
Yeah, my first film.
A daring expose on something...
783
00:38:18,926 --> 00:38:20,385
She did the astronaut, too?
784
00:38:20,469 --> 00:38:22,262
And the entire crew of the shuttle.
785
00:38:24,014 --> 00:38:26,141
[♪ The Army Goes Rolling Along playing]
786
00:38:31,230 --> 00:38:33,232
[sound of record needle scratching]
787
00:38:35,108 --> 00:38:38,612
Well, general, enjoyed this
cruel little side trip, thank you,
788
00:38:38,695 --> 00:38:40,823
but I have an interview in 20 minutes.
789
00:38:40,906 --> 00:38:42,783
Don't worry, kid.
790
00:38:42,866 --> 00:38:44,868
Things are gonna get a lot worse.
791
00:38:49,122 --> 00:38:54,253
The demonstration is outside
the Madison Square Garden.
792
00:38:54,336 --> 00:38:58,423
We need to get into artists' entrance
where there are no metal detectors.
793
00:38:58,465 --> 00:39:01,468
Well, for that, we will need
all-access media passes.
794
00:39:01,552 --> 00:39:02,553
Exactly.
795
00:39:02,594 --> 00:39:05,180
You must get these from director Malone.
796
00:39:05,264 --> 00:39:07,891
He can get them.
He's a documentary filmmaker.
797
00:39:07,933 --> 00:39:12,437
Wait. You got us
a documentary filmmaker?
798
00:39:12,479 --> 00:39:15,607
Yes, but, leader,
he gets to go everywhere
799
00:39:15,691 --> 00:39:17,734
so he can document his hate of America.
800
00:39:17,776 --> 00:39:20,946
Where would they give all-access passes
to someone like that?
801
00:39:20,988 --> 00:39:22,489
- America!
- America!
802
00:39:22,573 --> 00:39:23,782
[both laughing]
803
00:39:25,534 --> 00:39:28,912
- Ahmed? Mohammed?
- Oh, uh, director Akbar.
804
00:39:28,954 --> 00:39:33,000
- What are you doin' here?
- We are here to watch your interview.
805
00:39:33,083 --> 00:39:36,295
- [Mohammed] And talk about the movie.
- [Malone] Oh, yeah.
806
00:39:36,336 --> 00:39:38,088
Who's Mister Happy?
807
00:39:38,130 --> 00:39:41,216
Oh, him? Aziz is an actor.
808
00:39:42,467 --> 00:39:45,637
Well, he's also our contact
to the foreign investors.
809
00:39:45,679 --> 00:39:49,308
Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man.
Wonderful to meet you.
810
00:39:49,349 --> 00:39:53,729
You know, for financing a movie, you can
get an associate producer credit. Huh?
811
00:39:53,812 --> 00:39:57,482
Oh, holdin' out for executive producer.
Too clever for me.
812
00:39:57,524 --> 00:39:59,651
You must have been killer sellin' rugs.
813
00:39:59,693 --> 00:40:01,111
OK, we'll negotiate.
814
00:40:01,153 --> 00:40:03,363
How about joinin'' me
for the interview?
815
00:40:03,447 --> 00:40:07,659
- No, no, no, he can't be on TV.
- I am here illegally.
816
00:40:07,701 --> 00:40:10,370
Mohammed and Ahmed have visas,
but I could not.
817
00:40:10,454 --> 00:40:12,164
Yes, he was on some kind of list.
818
00:40:14,708 --> 00:40:18,128
[Aziz] I came through Mexico...
with some friends.
819
00:40:18,170 --> 00:40:19,296
Great, great.
820
00:40:19,338 --> 00:40:21,214
Good thing that fence isn't up yet.
821
00:40:21,298 --> 00:40:23,508
This country was built by immigrants.
822
00:40:23,550 --> 00:40:26,762
No matter. We'll get you
a nice cameo in the movie.
823
00:40:26,845 --> 00:40:29,932
Have to shave, though.
You look like a terrorist.
824
00:40:30,015 --> 00:40:31,433
[Malone laughing]
825
00:40:31,516 --> 00:40:32,935
[laughing]
826
00:40:34,853 --> 00:40:36,772
[screams, imitates explosion]
827
00:40:36,855 --> 00:40:38,607
Aah! Help me! I'm on fire!
828
00:40:38,690 --> 00:40:40,275
Aah! Bam!
829
00:40:40,359 --> 00:40:41,568
Hey, a bomb went off!
830
00:40:41,652 --> 00:40:43,070
[laughing]
831
00:40:44,446 --> 00:40:47,741
So what's the next step?
Financing in place?
832
00:40:47,824 --> 00:40:48,825
Yes.
833
00:40:48,867 --> 00:40:50,911
But before the money is committed,
834
00:40:50,994 --> 00:40:53,372
I'll need media passes
to your demonstration.
835
00:40:53,413 --> 00:40:54,456
Media passes?
836
00:40:54,539 --> 00:40:57,918
Well, uh, he wants to hear
the great director speak.
837
00:40:58,043 --> 00:41:01,880
Oh, yes, all right.
We can arrange that.
838
00:41:01,922 --> 00:41:05,425
Be good to have you there,
show that everybody's against violence.
839
00:41:05,509 --> 00:41:08,637
- Especially jihadists.
- [elevator bell rings]
840
00:41:10,806 --> 00:41:11,807
What?
841
00:41:11,890 --> 00:41:14,226
We need to treat all cultures equally.
842
00:41:14,267 --> 00:41:16,895
Everyone is equal.
843
00:41:16,979 --> 00:41:20,524
Oh, damn. A thread.
Right before the interview.
844
00:41:20,565 --> 00:41:21,900
Allow me.
845
00:41:26,071 --> 00:41:27,990
Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba.
846
00:41:30,325 --> 00:41:32,869
Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly.
Thanks for watching.
847
00:41:32,911 --> 00:41:35,789
Tonight's special segment is July 4th.
848
00:41:35,872 --> 00:41:39,292
Now, most folks will be celebrating
by going to a barbecue,
849
00:41:39,376 --> 00:41:41,420
a parade, or here in New York City,
850
00:41:41,461 --> 00:41:45,716
to a Madison Square Garden
country music concert for the troops.
851
00:41:45,757 --> 00:41:48,593
But my guests tonight
have different plans.
852
00:41:48,677 --> 00:41:51,179
Michael Malone is
planning a demonstration
853
00:41:51,263 --> 00:41:54,558
- to abolish the Fourth of July.
- Hi, Bill.
854
00:41:54,599 --> 00:41:58,812
And there are always fireworks with
TV personality Rosie O'Connell.
855
00:41:58,895 --> 00:42:00,063
Good to be here, Bill.
856
00:42:00,105 --> 00:42:03,900
Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her
documentary, but first, Mr. Malone,
857
00:42:03,942 --> 00:42:07,487
you're demonstrating against
the troops on Independence Day?
858
00:42:07,571 --> 00:42:08,613
Come on.
859
00:42:08,697 --> 00:42:11,116
It's not against the troops.
It's against...
860
00:42:11,158 --> 00:42:14,870
Look, we support the troops.
We just don't want them to kill anyone.
861
00:42:14,953 --> 00:42:17,622
What? Don't you realize
that these troops
862
00:42:17,706 --> 00:42:21,418
are the only ones standing between
radical Islam and innocent people?
863
00:42:21,460 --> 00:42:22,794
Bill, there you go.
864
00:42:22,836 --> 00:42:25,422
You think all terrorists
are radical Islamists.
865
00:42:25,464 --> 00:42:26,715
That's profiling.
866
00:42:26,798 --> 00:42:30,052
Radical Christianity
is as threatening as radical Islam.
867
00:42:30,135 --> 00:42:32,846
- I don't think she means...
- It's exactly what I mean!
868
00:42:32,929 --> 00:42:34,056
You can't be serious.
869
00:42:34,139 --> 00:42:37,559
I'm serious and Michael agrees with me.
Let's roll the clip.
870
00:42:37,642 --> 00:42:39,519
All right, roll it.
871
00:42:39,603 --> 00:42:42,481
[announcer] The civilized
world braces itself
872
00:42:42,522 --> 00:42:45,192
for an onslaught of
death and destruction
873
00:42:45,275 --> 00:42:47,569
brought on by radical Christians
874
00:42:47,652 --> 00:42:51,865
as they attempt to spread their ideology
through terror throughout the world.
875
00:43:00,082 --> 00:43:01,458
Praise Jesus!
876
00:43:03,502 --> 00:43:05,212
Hail Mary full of grace!
877
00:43:05,295 --> 00:43:08,131
Look out! It's those Christians!
878
00:43:08,173 --> 00:43:10,967
72 virgins, here I come!
879
00:43:11,009 --> 00:43:12,677
[announcer] We all pay the price
880
00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:16,098
for the increased security needs
caused by the actions
881
00:43:16,181 --> 00:43:17,516
of radical Christians.
882
00:43:17,599 --> 00:43:20,143
I hate having to take these off
every time.
883
00:43:20,185 --> 00:43:22,813
Yeah. Ever since
that Christian hid explosives
884
00:43:22,854 --> 00:43:24,231
in the bottom of his shoes.
885
00:43:24,314 --> 00:43:27,025
You can't take this on.
I'll have to confiscate it.
886
00:43:27,109 --> 00:43:28,110
Toothpaste?
887
00:43:28,193 --> 00:43:31,029
No liquids since the Christians
tried to bomb that plane
888
00:43:31,071 --> 00:43:34,157
with smuggled nitroglycerine
and let me take this as well.
889
00:43:34,199 --> 00:43:35,200
[baby crying]
890
00:43:35,283 --> 00:43:38,954
- [man] Please remove all underclothing.
- Oh, brother.
891
00:43:39,037 --> 00:43:42,582
- Ever since the underwear bomber.
- The Christian underwear bomber.
892
00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:46,044
[man on PA] All items of underclothing
must be placed in the trays.
893
00:43:46,128 --> 00:43:47,379
Damn those Christians.
894
00:43:47,420 --> 00:43:49,756
- Yipes!
- My God!
895
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:53,135
If you add extra bleach,
you might get those stains out.
896
00:43:53,218 --> 00:43:55,428
- Hey!
- Have you considered a change in diet?
897
00:43:55,512 --> 00:43:57,806
- What?
- Honey? Wouldn't hurt.
898
00:43:57,889 --> 00:43:59,307
[man grunting and moaning]
899
00:44:00,600 --> 00:44:02,644
Ever since the suppository bomber...
900
00:44:02,727 --> 00:44:04,896
The Episcopal suppository bomber.
901
00:44:07,607 --> 00:44:10,819
That's not a documentary.
That's The Flintstones.
902
00:44:10,902 --> 00:44:14,698
Bill, using reenactments to prove points
is a sign of a great documentary.
903
00:44:14,739 --> 00:44:16,575
That's what we do. Right, Michael?
904
00:44:16,616 --> 00:44:20,078
Bill, you wouldn't get that,
because you're a close-minded bigot!
905
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:23,874
Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin'
your masterpiece may win some awards.
906
00:44:23,915 --> 00:44:27,335
Let's start it off with enshrining you
in the Pinhead Hall of Fame.
907
00:44:27,419 --> 00:44:28,587
Keep it up, Bill.
908
00:44:28,628 --> 00:44:31,298
We wouldn't be at war at all
if we didn't overreact
909
00:44:31,381 --> 00:44:32,883
to that phony 9/11 attack.
910
00:44:32,924 --> 00:44:35,719
[O'Reilly] You can't be serious.
I rest my case.
911
00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:38,346
Can we talk about
the Anti-War demonstration?
912
00:44:38,430 --> 00:44:41,725
You think those towers were brought down
by planes? No, explosives.
913
00:44:41,766 --> 00:44:44,895
- Malone.
- That's simply idiotic. No sane...
914
00:44:44,936 --> 00:44:47,355
It's the first time
fire ever melted steel!
915
00:44:47,439 --> 00:44:50,901
Rosie, I've heard that claim.
It's only made by complete morons.
916
00:44:50,942 --> 00:44:52,819
Now, Bill, our demonstration...
917
00:44:52,903 --> 00:44:55,947
Don't call me names.
We weren't even invaded by a nation!
918
00:44:55,989 --> 00:44:57,449
She's a little far out.
919
00:44:57,490 --> 00:44:59,534
Here's a news flash for you, Malone.
920
00:44:59,618 --> 00:45:02,162
Your movies may not be
as crazy as Rosie's,
921
00:45:02,245 --> 00:45:06,333
but yours are more dangerous because
some idiots believe what you say.
922
00:45:06,416 --> 00:45:07,792
Because I tell the truth!
923
00:45:07,834 --> 00:45:10,545
Because you tell the audience
what it wants to hear.
924
00:45:10,629 --> 00:45:12,297
At least nobody believes Rosie.
925
00:45:12,339 --> 00:45:15,091
You didn't even believe
that Elvis is still alive.
926
00:45:15,175 --> 00:45:17,260
Or that we never landed on the Moon.
927
00:45:17,302 --> 00:45:20,764
I'm gonna take both and
put 'em into my next documentary.
928
00:45:20,805 --> 00:45:24,476
Well, that concludes this look
at the moderate left.
929
00:45:24,517 --> 00:45:28,188
Next week, we'll be looking at
the crazies who populate the fringe.
930
00:45:32,108 --> 00:45:33,193
[woman] Mr. Malone?
931
00:45:33,276 --> 00:45:35,528
Mr. Malone?
932
00:45:35,612 --> 00:45:36,780
Mr. Malone?
933
00:45:36,821 --> 00:45:38,490
[boy] Grandpa? Grandpa!
934
00:45:38,573 --> 00:45:39,658
What?
935
00:45:39,699 --> 00:45:41,159
A Mr. Mohammed called.
936
00:45:41,201 --> 00:45:43,536
Something about not being
late for rehearsal?
937
00:45:43,620 --> 00:45:45,497
Heather, I still have plenty of...
938
00:45:45,538 --> 00:45:46,581
A rehearsal?!
939
00:45:46,665 --> 00:45:49,084
How could you be part
of the evil military
940
00:45:49,167 --> 00:45:52,420
and kill my brothers and sisters
who are defending their country?
941
00:45:52,504 --> 00:45:56,841
Yusef, there are no straight men left.
Girls like me have to join the army.
942
00:45:56,883 --> 00:45:58,677
Yes, that's why I joined.
943
00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:01,179
She reads the lines
with such conviction.
944
00:46:01,263 --> 00:46:04,724
Yes. This is so much better
than building pipe bombs.
945
00:46:04,808 --> 00:46:06,017
What are you doing?
946
00:46:06,101 --> 00:46:08,728
We had to start rehearsals.
We have no time to waste.
947
00:46:08,812 --> 00:46:10,438
- But we haven't even...
- Shh!
948
00:46:10,522 --> 00:46:14,067
Say no to the army, run away
to France where they have real men.
949
00:46:14,150 --> 00:46:16,528
No. The recruiters
kidnap us off the street,
950
00:46:16,611 --> 00:46:19,572
talk to us for hours
until we finally agree to sign up.
951
00:46:19,656 --> 00:46:20,824
Like Scientology.
952
00:46:20,865 --> 00:46:23,868
I'll ask the great leader
Osama for us to stay together.
953
00:46:23,952 --> 00:46:25,537
- I didn't write that.
- Shh!
954
00:46:25,578 --> 00:46:28,290
- [man] To stay together.
- Please. Director Akbar!
955
00:46:28,373 --> 00:46:30,417
- Huh?
- For us to stay together...
956
00:46:30,500 --> 00:46:32,752
[man] Is this a real sword?
957
00:46:32,836 --> 00:46:34,045
[man 2] Yes. Be careful.
958
00:46:34,129 --> 00:46:36,047
- [man screams]
- [Malone] Oh, my God.
959
00:46:36,089 --> 00:46:38,216
I will ask the great leader Osama.
960
00:46:38,300 --> 00:46:40,844
She's an infidel. Cut off her head.
961
00:46:40,885 --> 00:46:43,972
- Aah!
- And cut off her balls, too!
962
00:46:44,055 --> 00:46:46,683
- Yaah! Come back here!
- No! Not me! Kill her!
963
00:46:46,725 --> 00:46:48,935
- Death to the uncircumcised!
- Asshole!
964
00:46:49,019 --> 00:46:51,354
- This sword is heavy!
- Just one second.
965
00:46:51,396 --> 00:46:52,605
Give him more lines.
966
00:46:52,689 --> 00:46:55,442
- Hey, isn't that...?
- Yes, actor Akbar.
967
00:46:55,525 --> 00:46:57,152
Revered by all Americans.
968
00:46:57,235 --> 00:47:01,781
This isn't that kind of movie. This is
serious, for adults. Not entertainment.
969
00:47:01,865 --> 00:47:04,701
- He will be hard to replace.
- There is no replacing!
970
00:47:04,743 --> 00:47:08,371
This is about militants being
held at Guantanamo without a lawyer!
971
00:47:08,413 --> 00:47:10,790
Meryl Streep already did that!
972
00:47:10,874 --> 00:47:13,918
What about the Marine who rapes
and murders an Iraqi family?
973
00:47:14,002 --> 00:47:15,795
Brian De Palma, straight to video.
974
00:47:15,879 --> 00:47:18,298
- [clanging]
- Lawyer who fights wiretapping.
975
00:47:18,381 --> 00:47:19,382
Robert Redford.
976
00:47:19,424 --> 00:47:21,426
Soldier who's forced
to go back to Iraq!
977
00:47:21,468 --> 00:47:23,678
- Has an Oscar buzz.
- I want to see that!
978
00:47:23,762 --> 00:47:26,056
- We'll see it Friday.
- It's a date.
979
00:47:26,097 --> 00:47:27,390
[groaning]
980
00:47:27,432 --> 00:47:30,977
I know. All the really great
anti-American films have been done.
981
00:47:31,061 --> 00:47:33,605
No way we can compete
with Hollywood studios.
982
00:47:33,646 --> 00:47:36,107
[man] Michael Malone?
What are you doing here?
983
00:47:36,149 --> 00:47:40,445
- I'm directing this picture.
- What? I don't do documentaries.
984
00:47:40,528 --> 00:47:43,948
- Malone! We're under attack!
- [Malone] Now what?
985
00:47:46,993 --> 00:47:49,621
[people screaming, horns honking]
986
00:47:50,455 --> 00:47:52,665
- Come on!
- Aah!
987
00:47:53,750 --> 00:47:55,293
I don't see an attack.
988
00:47:55,377 --> 00:47:58,296
- A gun? I don't...
- Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot.
989
00:47:58,338 --> 00:48:01,049
Think of that as a talkin' stick.
Let's go, men!
990
00:48:01,132 --> 00:48:04,386
- [Malone] Where are we going?!
- [Patton] Don't step in that!
991
00:48:07,639 --> 00:48:09,391
[Malone] What's going on?!
992
00:48:09,474 --> 00:48:12,185
Sons of bitches!
Get the hell out of this courtroom!
993
00:48:12,268 --> 00:48:16,022
- Stop! You can't just shoot people!
- They're not people! They're the ACLU!
994
00:48:16,106 --> 00:48:17,941
What?! You still can't...
995
00:48:17,982 --> 00:48:19,275
Oh! Aah!
996
00:48:19,317 --> 00:48:21,152
Aah! Aah!
997
00:48:24,864 --> 00:48:28,201
- Fire at will, boys!
- [Malone screaming]
998
00:48:28,993 --> 00:48:31,371
- [people screaming]
- What's goin' on here?
999
00:48:31,454 --> 00:48:34,124
ACLU. They come around
every now and then.
1000
00:48:34,165 --> 00:48:36,376
No listenin' in on terrorists' calls.
1001
00:48:36,459 --> 00:48:38,962
Be nice to Al Qaeda.
Read 'em their rights.
1002
00:48:39,003 --> 00:48:40,338
[lawyers grunting]
1003
00:48:40,422 --> 00:48:42,507
[judge] Separation of church and state.
1004
00:48:42,549 --> 00:48:43,758
Aah!
1005
00:48:43,842 --> 00:48:47,637
I'll tell you one thing about
the undead. They are relentless.
1006
00:48:47,679 --> 00:48:48,972
Aah!
1007
00:48:49,013 --> 00:48:52,058
Gun control. That gets 'em
a little riled up, too.
1008
00:48:52,142 --> 00:48:53,601
- [gunshot]
- Aah!
1009
00:48:53,685 --> 00:48:56,396
I think we could use
gun control right about now!
1010
00:48:56,479 --> 00:48:57,939
Tell it to them.
1011
00:48:58,022 --> 00:48:59,023
Aah!
1012
00:49:00,191 --> 00:49:01,234
Aah!
1013
00:49:01,317 --> 00:49:02,819
Try it. It's fun.
1014
00:49:02,861 --> 00:49:04,612
- [gunshot]
- Whoa!
1015
00:49:04,696 --> 00:49:07,282
Try not to lead 'em so much next time.
1016
00:49:07,365 --> 00:49:08,491
Aah!
1017
00:49:08,533 --> 00:49:09,701
- Aah!
- Aah!
1018
00:49:10,326 --> 00:49:15,039
What we're tryin' to do here, son,
is protect the Ten Commandments.
1019
00:49:15,123 --> 00:49:16,416
There's still five left.
1020
00:49:16,499 --> 00:49:20,253
Hey, judge!
Is the "not killing" still up there?
1021
00:49:20,336 --> 00:49:21,546
Aw, screw it!
1022
00:49:22,547 --> 00:49:23,548
Aah!
1023
00:49:23,590 --> 00:49:26,259
- Guns are not the answer!
- [gunshot]
1024
00:49:26,342 --> 00:49:29,220
- Aah!
- Nice shot.
1025
00:49:29,304 --> 00:49:31,014
Oh, my God, what have I done?
1026
00:49:31,055 --> 00:49:33,516
The first one's always the best.
1027
00:49:35,685 --> 00:49:37,562
[both grunting]
1028
00:49:40,732 --> 00:49:42,567
OK, OK, give me that thing.
1029
00:49:42,650 --> 00:49:43,693
Aah!
1030
00:49:44,736 --> 00:49:45,904
Ooh!
1031
00:49:45,945 --> 00:49:47,489
I bet they heard that.
1032
00:49:47,572 --> 00:49:50,742
Come on! They're on the subway!
1033
00:49:50,783 --> 00:49:52,410
Godspeed, General!
1034
00:50:01,753 --> 00:50:03,630
I'll need to see your bag, please.
1035
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:09,427
[grunting]
1036
00:50:11,095 --> 00:50:13,181
This says we can't search their bags.
1037
00:50:13,264 --> 00:50:15,475
[grunting]
1038
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:20,480
Thank Allah for the ACLU.
1039
00:50:20,563 --> 00:50:23,775
Now you are going to
see the glory of jihad.
1040
00:50:23,858 --> 00:50:26,569
They're going to fly
a subway into a building?
1041
00:50:29,030 --> 00:50:30,240
[gunshots]
1042
00:50:30,281 --> 00:50:33,743
Subway into a building... hmm.
1043
00:50:33,785 --> 00:50:37,455
Well, now you've gone too far!
You're against privacy rights, too?
1044
00:50:37,539 --> 00:50:40,124
Only when they interfere
with survival rights.
1045
00:50:46,381 --> 00:50:48,841
Enjoy your privacy rights in hell.
1046
00:50:52,178 --> 00:50:55,098
The Patriot Act is spoiling everything.
1047
00:50:55,139 --> 00:50:57,475
I can't believe
I lent Fayed my backpack.
1048
00:50:57,517 --> 00:50:58,560
Aah!
1049
00:50:59,644 --> 00:51:01,312
- [clanging]
- [screaming]
1050
00:51:01,354 --> 00:51:04,399
Sir, we are ready to do our duty.
1051
00:51:04,482 --> 00:51:07,360
Your job is to pick up
the three all-access media passes
1052
00:51:07,443 --> 00:51:09,487
from the infidel director.
1053
00:51:09,571 --> 00:51:12,991
As America watches that concert on TV,
1054
00:51:13,074 --> 00:51:15,618
they will see the power of jihad.
1055
00:51:15,660 --> 00:51:18,246
You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?
1056
00:51:18,329 --> 00:51:19,706
When that roof collapses
1057
00:51:19,789 --> 00:51:22,500
on 20,000 American soldiers
and their families,
1058
00:51:22,584 --> 00:51:26,004
we will be held as martyrs
throughout the Arab world.
1059
00:51:26,045 --> 00:51:28,423
But we will be dead.
1060
00:51:30,258 --> 00:51:31,551
Yes.
1061
00:51:31,634 --> 00:51:35,805
Isn't there like a remote control
or a button or something?
1062
00:51:35,847 --> 00:51:39,350
Leader, we get the passes for it
from the director Akbar.
1063
00:51:39,434 --> 00:51:40,518
Very good.
1064
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:42,854
I'm gonna grab a knish.
1065
00:51:42,895 --> 00:51:44,647
Your families will be proud.
1066
00:51:48,192 --> 00:51:49,944
Is there nothing we can do?
1067
00:51:50,028 --> 00:51:53,072
Nothing. The plan is foolproof.
1068
00:52:03,041 --> 00:52:08,171
Enough already. It's not as if I'm
against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts.
1069
00:52:08,212 --> 00:52:09,380
Little tip for you.
1070
00:52:09,422 --> 00:52:11,090
Fascist uniforms, not cool.
1071
00:52:11,174 --> 00:52:13,551
- Or religion.
- Or the Fourth of July?
1072
00:52:13,593 --> 00:52:16,888
Fourth of July? That reminds me.
I got a demonstration. See ya.
1073
00:52:16,929 --> 00:52:18,222
[lawyers grunting]
1074
00:52:18,306 --> 00:52:19,390
You're leavin'?
1075
00:52:19,432 --> 00:52:22,060
Yep. End of the line for me,
so conjure up some fog
1076
00:52:22,101 --> 00:52:25,521
- and get me the hell out of here.
- Just go. This is real.
1077
00:52:25,563 --> 00:52:26,689
Are you sure?
1078
00:52:26,731 --> 00:52:28,566
That subway station was too clean.
1079
00:52:28,608 --> 00:52:29,984
Oh... unh!
1080
00:52:30,068 --> 00:52:33,237
[country music playing,
people conversing]
1081
00:52:40,411 --> 00:52:41,871
That's the real America.
1082
00:52:41,913 --> 00:52:45,583
Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July,
just like your own family.
1083
00:52:45,667 --> 00:52:49,253
- This is my own family.
- Huh?
1084
00:52:49,295 --> 00:52:50,963
Oh, right. So it is.
1085
00:52:51,047 --> 00:52:52,548
Hey, do I smell burgers?
1086
00:52:54,300 --> 00:52:56,302
I made your favorite, sweet potatoes.
1087
00:52:56,386 --> 00:52:57,762
Aw, honey, you know,
1088
00:52:57,804 --> 00:53:00,348
what I think I'm gonna miss most
is your cooking.
1089
00:53:00,431 --> 00:53:02,975
- Not my kisses?
- [both laughing]
1090
00:53:03,810 --> 00:53:05,770
Should I set a place
for Uncle Michael?
1091
00:53:05,853 --> 00:53:09,107
Oh, no, honey.
Uncle Michael's still very busy.
1092
00:53:09,190 --> 00:53:11,317
I feel bad he keeps
disappointing you.
1093
00:53:11,401 --> 00:53:14,070
[Josh] Well, he'll come around.
1094
00:53:14,112 --> 00:53:18,116
- [Timmy] God bless us, everyone.
- There he is, my gentle little Timmy.
1095
00:53:18,157 --> 00:53:20,910
What a beautiful day
for a family picnic.
1096
00:53:20,952 --> 00:53:23,079
Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert?
1097
00:53:23,121 --> 00:53:26,666
Daddy, is your asshole
uncle coming tonight?
1098
00:53:26,749 --> 00:53:27,917
Uh, well...
1099
00:53:27,959 --> 00:53:30,795
Uh, Timmy, you know
Uncle Michael loves you.
1100
00:53:30,878 --> 00:53:33,172
That lard ass only loves himself.
1101
00:53:33,256 --> 00:53:35,466
Did he come up with
money for my operation?
1102
00:53:35,508 --> 00:53:37,051
Uh, well, uh...
1103
00:53:37,135 --> 00:53:40,179
Documentaries don't actually
pay enough to, uh...
1104
00:53:40,263 --> 00:53:43,891
- [girl] Daddy!
- Beckah. Hi, sweetheart.
1105
00:53:43,975 --> 00:53:48,146
I see that Michael "I'm gonna get
you a cornea transplant" Malone
1106
00:53:48,229 --> 00:53:49,564
stiffed you again.
1107
00:53:49,647 --> 00:53:52,442
Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can.
1108
00:53:52,483 --> 00:53:56,487
I bet he spent time in the cornea market
at the Cannes Film Festival.
1109
00:53:56,571 --> 00:53:57,655
[Josh] Oh, good!
1110
00:53:57,697 --> 00:53:59,991
The boys have brought out Tiny Tina.
1111
00:54:00,074 --> 00:54:03,077
She's doing so much better
on that new dialysis machine.
1112
00:54:03,161 --> 00:54:04,162
[Josh] Hey, kids!
1113
00:54:04,203 --> 00:54:07,874
I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad
has showed up with the kidney.
1114
00:54:07,957 --> 00:54:10,376
I'm running a little short on time here.
1115
00:54:12,420 --> 00:54:13,504
- Ow!
- Aah!
1116
00:54:13,546 --> 00:54:15,173
- [kids screaming]
- Oh! Come on!
1117
00:54:15,256 --> 00:54:18,009
Now, can't we go on
to some other awful place?
1118
00:54:18,050 --> 00:54:20,511
- Where the hell are we?
- Kandahar, Afghanistan.
1119
00:54:20,595 --> 00:54:22,513
But there's a war going on here!
1120
00:54:22,555 --> 00:54:24,015
- [Patton] Since 9/11!
- Down!
1121
00:54:24,098 --> 00:54:26,225
- Down!
- They shouldn't be blindfolded.
1122
00:54:26,309 --> 00:54:29,187
- It's against the Geneva Convention.
- They're the enemy.
1123
00:54:29,228 --> 00:54:32,857
- They're innocent till proven guilty.
- Let me tell you something.
1124
00:54:32,899 --> 00:54:36,527
If they're on the battlefield
and shooting at you, they're guilty!
1125
00:54:36,611 --> 00:54:38,362
[Malone] That's not the point.
1126
00:54:38,446 --> 00:54:40,740
There's no reason
to blindfold prisoners.
1127
00:54:40,823 --> 00:54:43,701
Fine. Take 'em off.
1128
00:54:46,412 --> 00:54:49,040
[all] Michael Malone! Michael Malone!
1129
00:54:49,123 --> 00:54:51,334
[prisoner] Die You American Pigs!
1130
00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:52,919
He's much fatter in person.
1131
00:54:53,002 --> 00:54:54,045
OK, OK.
1132
00:54:54,128 --> 00:54:57,548
Let's see how fat I look
with one of these blindfolds back on.
1133
00:54:57,632 --> 00:54:58,674
- [explosion]
- Oh!
1134
00:54:58,716 --> 00:55:00,009
Aah aah aah!
1135
00:55:00,051 --> 00:55:02,887
[soldiers]...for my God
is with me wherever I go.
1136
00:55:02,970 --> 00:55:04,889
Have mercy upon me, O God,
1137
00:55:04,931 --> 00:55:07,308
for it is an unfailing love.
1138
00:55:07,391 --> 00:55:09,435
Praise be to the Lord, my rock,
1139
00:55:09,519 --> 00:55:12,480
who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle.
1140
00:55:12,563 --> 00:55:14,148
We're taking fire!
1141
00:55:22,990 --> 00:55:25,868
Aah! They're using real bullets!
1142
00:55:26,911 --> 00:55:28,996
Aah! Oh!
1143
00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:30,414
Oh!
1144
00:55:30,498 --> 00:55:32,208
[groaning]
1145
00:55:36,754 --> 00:55:39,340
[Patton] Honestly,
I've tried to show him,
1146
00:55:39,423 --> 00:55:42,260
but this one is just too bullheaded.
1147
00:55:42,301 --> 00:55:44,178
Father, please forgive me.
1148
00:55:44,262 --> 00:55:45,805
I have done my best.
1149
00:55:45,888 --> 00:55:48,766
This challenge was just too much.
1150
00:55:48,850 --> 00:55:51,936
I fear this battle is lost.
1151
00:55:54,105 --> 00:55:56,607
Oh, so now you're telling God?
1152
00:55:57,984 --> 00:55:59,485
Not that father.
1153
00:56:00,611 --> 00:56:03,698
You know, JFK was right.
You are hopeless.
1154
00:56:04,740 --> 00:56:06,534
[slap]
1155
00:56:09,328 --> 00:56:12,290
What?! Oh, George Washington.
1156
00:56:12,373 --> 00:56:16,085
Been dead for 200 years,
not that that matters anymore.
1157
00:56:16,127 --> 00:56:19,005
It does matter, citizen Malone.
1158
00:56:19,088 --> 00:56:23,050
Nice costume.
You here for the Halloween parade?
1159
00:56:24,802 --> 00:56:27,221
I'm here to talk to you about freedom.
1160
00:56:27,305 --> 00:56:30,683
- The greatest gift man has.
- Freedom?
1161
00:56:30,766 --> 00:56:33,644
Very precarious gift, easily misused.
1162
00:56:33,728 --> 00:56:37,356
And when it is misused, easily lost.
1163
00:56:38,816 --> 00:56:41,110
Like freedom from pompous spirits.
1164
00:56:41,152 --> 00:56:43,613
Like freedom of speech, which you abuse.
1165
00:56:43,654 --> 00:56:45,072
Like freedom of religion.
1166
00:56:45,156 --> 00:56:48,451
This is St. Paul's Chapel,
where I worshipped every Sunday...
1167
00:56:48,492 --> 00:56:51,412
- [yawning]
-...when New York was the capital.
1168
00:56:52,079 --> 00:56:55,041
I sat right here
on the morning of my inaugural
1169
00:56:55,124 --> 00:56:57,501
to pray for guidance
in leading this nation.
1170
00:56:59,587 --> 00:57:02,882
If this place is so important,
why don't they clean it?
1171
00:57:04,300 --> 00:57:07,094
- [Malone] It's full of...
- Dust.
1172
00:57:09,347 --> 00:57:10,848
From across the street.
1173
00:57:14,143 --> 00:57:15,478
[church bell tolling]
1174
00:57:15,519 --> 00:57:16,812
Oh, my God.
1175
00:57:16,854 --> 00:57:19,148
It was the World Trade Center,
1176
00:57:19,190 --> 00:57:23,361
and this is the dust
of 3,000 innocent human beings
1177
00:57:23,444 --> 00:57:26,739
and the great heroes who perished
trying to save them.
1178
00:57:26,822 --> 00:57:28,074
Why'd you bring me here?
1179
00:57:28,157 --> 00:57:29,825
I'm not responsible for this.
1180
00:57:29,867 --> 00:57:31,577
It was our foreign policy.
1181
00:57:31,661 --> 00:57:33,704
It's our military bases overseas.
1182
00:57:33,788 --> 00:57:36,040
It's globalization. It's the CIA!
1183
00:57:36,082 --> 00:57:38,501
Is that what you're
gonna say on judgment day?
1184
00:57:38,542 --> 00:57:41,671
Well, I've already been judged,
and I won an Oscar.
1185
00:57:41,712 --> 00:57:44,173
For a documentary.
1186
00:57:46,717 --> 00:57:51,806
When you meet the Almighty, Michael,
I'm afraid that won't do.
1187
00:57:53,349 --> 00:57:57,019
Only the truth will do.
1188
00:57:57,061 --> 00:57:58,270
I gotta get out of here.
1189
00:57:59,814 --> 00:58:01,482
- [clang]
- Ooh!
1190
00:58:01,565 --> 00:58:03,401
Ow!
1191
00:58:03,442 --> 00:58:04,443
Ooh!
1192
00:58:04,527 --> 00:58:06,821
- [clanging]
- [grunting]
1193
00:58:13,119 --> 00:58:15,079
No! No!
1194
00:58:15,162 --> 00:58:17,081
No! No!
1195
00:58:19,834 --> 00:58:20,835
Aah!
1196
00:58:20,918 --> 00:58:23,504
Don't hurt me!
I've always stood up for gay rights.
1197
00:58:25,297 --> 00:58:27,925
I'm the Angel of freakin' Death,
you turdhead.
1198
00:58:28,009 --> 00:58:32,596
Boy, you do not wanna mess
with the Angel of Death.
1199
00:58:32,680 --> 00:58:36,392
Listen, punk, there are consequences
for what you do.
1200
00:58:36,434 --> 00:58:38,019
Let's go.
1201
00:58:38,978 --> 00:58:40,730
Oh, good, another field trip.
1202
00:58:40,771 --> 00:58:44,191
Can we go someplace cool this time,
like Paris or Hollywood?
1203
00:58:44,275 --> 00:58:45,860
Now, that's a good idea.
1204
00:58:45,943 --> 00:58:47,653
[Arabic music playing]
1205
00:58:47,737 --> 00:58:50,114
What's goin' on here?
Where are we?
1206
00:58:50,197 --> 00:58:54,410
Hollywood, just like you wanted,
only now it's called Bin Laden City.
1207
00:58:54,452 --> 00:58:55,703
Oh, my God.
1208
00:58:55,786 --> 00:58:58,205
They kept the buildings.
Just changed the signs.
1209
00:58:58,289 --> 00:59:00,833
[Malone] Oh, no!
This isn't happening!
1210
00:59:00,916 --> 00:59:03,461
We lost the war on terror.
Nice work.
1211
00:59:03,544 --> 00:59:06,172
Great bunch of movies
you made for the other side.
1212
00:59:07,256 --> 00:59:08,966
Oh, shit.
1213
00:59:09,050 --> 00:59:11,719
Yeah. Terrorists really
appreciated your work.
1214
00:59:11,802 --> 00:59:16,307
Oh! Take me home.
1215
00:59:16,348 --> 00:59:17,892
My real home.
1216
00:59:17,975 --> 00:59:20,895
That's where we're goin'.
Back to Michigan.
1217
00:59:22,938 --> 00:59:25,524
[siren]
1218
00:59:25,608 --> 00:59:26,692
Ah, home.
1219
00:59:26,776 --> 00:59:28,027
[distant gunfire]
1220
00:59:28,110 --> 00:59:29,153
Detroit!
1221
00:59:33,991 --> 00:59:35,534
[man] This is all that's left?
1222
00:59:35,618 --> 00:59:38,788
Not much to work with,
but if we put our heads together...
1223
00:59:38,829 --> 00:59:41,290
We'll never be able
to identify this victim.
1224
00:59:41,332 --> 00:59:42,625
Why even bother?
1225
00:59:42,666 --> 00:59:44,126
I mean, it's one of 100,000.
1226
00:59:44,168 --> 00:59:46,754
What happened here?
100,000 people dead?
1227
00:59:46,837 --> 00:59:47,838
Listen.
1228
00:59:47,922 --> 00:59:51,342
The strange thing is
the blast only killed a few hundred.
1229
00:59:51,425 --> 00:59:52,885
Radiation got the rest.
1230
00:59:52,968 --> 00:59:56,180
Nuclear attack on Detroit?
1231
00:59:56,222 --> 00:59:57,515
Oh, my God.
1232
00:59:57,598 --> 01:00:01,268
We found this in the wreckage
of a television interview show.
1233
01:00:01,352 --> 01:00:02,937
Some big-ass celebrity.
1234
01:00:03,020 --> 01:00:04,647
[woman] You got that right.
1235
01:00:04,688 --> 01:00:06,524
This was near it.
1236
01:00:08,734 --> 01:00:10,945
Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap.
1237
01:00:11,028 --> 01:00:12,613
That explains the fat ass.
1238
01:00:12,696 --> 01:00:13,697
Check this out.
1239
01:00:13,781 --> 01:00:16,325
There is no terrorist threat.
1240
01:00:16,367 --> 01:00:17,618
[laughter]
1241
01:00:17,701 --> 01:00:19,620
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just forgot to sign
1242
01:00:19,703 --> 01:00:21,914
the please don't shoot
my ass off agreement.
1243
01:00:21,997 --> 01:00:24,291
[laughter]
1244
01:00:24,375 --> 01:00:26,418
Do I look more
like Michael Malone now?
1245
01:00:26,502 --> 01:00:28,337
Hey, spank my know-it-all ass.
1246
01:00:30,965 --> 01:00:32,216
[man 2] I know!
1247
01:00:32,258 --> 01:00:35,469
Least everyone will be happy
now that I've been nuked!
1248
01:00:35,553 --> 01:00:37,096
[all laugh]
1249
01:00:37,513 --> 01:00:39,765
Don't let me die!
And all those people!
1250
01:00:39,849 --> 01:00:42,017
I don't wanna die!
Please, I don't wanna die!
1251
01:00:42,059 --> 01:00:44,061
[all]♪ Yankee doodle went to town
1252
01:00:44,103 --> 01:00:45,604
♪ Riding on a big ass
1253
01:00:45,688 --> 01:00:48,274
I don't wanna die!
Please! I don't wanna die!
1254
01:00:48,357 --> 01:00:49,984
Please! I don't wanna die.
1255
01:00:50,067 --> 01:00:51,861
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.
1256
01:00:51,902 --> 01:00:55,156
[crying] I don't wanna die. I don't
wanna die. I don't wanna die.
1257
01:00:57,867 --> 01:00:59,743
I didn't die. I'm alive!
1258
01:00:59,827 --> 01:01:01,537
I'm here at Madison Square Garden
1259
01:01:01,579 --> 01:01:05,249
where Moovealong.org is holding
their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally.
1260
01:01:05,332 --> 01:01:06,917
I didn't miss it!
1261
01:01:07,001 --> 01:01:08,878
It wasn't a nightmare!
1262
01:01:08,919 --> 01:01:11,797
Except for that creepy
George Washington guy.
1263
01:01:11,881 --> 01:01:13,674
It's a beautiful day!
1264
01:01:13,757 --> 01:01:16,635
They're all waiting
for their leader, Michael Malone.
1265
01:01:18,387 --> 01:01:20,723
That's right, Michael Malone.
1266
01:01:20,764 --> 01:01:22,183
I'm so f...
1267
01:01:22,266 --> 01:01:24,018
[knock on door]
1268
01:01:26,979 --> 01:01:28,355
Time to go.
1269
01:01:28,439 --> 01:01:29,940
I can't. I'm... sick.
1270
01:01:29,982 --> 01:01:31,775
Oh. You look terrible.
1271
01:01:31,859 --> 01:01:33,527
But you always look terrible.
1272
01:01:33,611 --> 01:01:36,447
Now come on.
Millions of people are counting on you.
1273
01:01:36,530 --> 01:01:38,532
[chanting] We love Michael Malone!
1274
01:01:38,616 --> 01:01:39,783
We love Michael Malone!
1275
01:01:39,867 --> 01:01:41,452
You gotta do the right thing.
1276
01:01:43,037 --> 01:01:44,788
Huh?
1277
01:01:44,830 --> 01:01:48,042
[protesters] We don't care how!
Leave now! We don't care how!
1278
01:01:48,125 --> 01:01:50,002
Leave now! We don't care how!
1279
01:01:50,085 --> 01:01:52,171
[chant continues]
1280
01:01:58,594 --> 01:01:59,970
[Ahmed] Director Akbar!
1281
01:02:01,263 --> 01:02:04,475
Director Akbar, our
all-access media passes,
1282
01:02:04,558 --> 01:02:05,976
you have them?
1283
01:02:06,060 --> 01:02:08,437
Oh, yeah, uh,
enjoy the, uh, demonstration.
1284
01:02:08,479 --> 01:02:10,731
- Thank you.
- Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone!
1285
01:02:10,814 --> 01:02:12,566
What is your message to the troops
1286
01:02:12,650 --> 01:02:14,985
who have come for
the Fourth of July concert?
1287
01:02:15,069 --> 01:02:16,820
Uh... uh... uh...
1288
01:02:16,904 --> 01:02:18,364
[Heather] Give me that!
1289
01:02:18,447 --> 01:02:21,825
We're not gonna celebrate a country
that sends soldiers to fight.
1290
01:02:21,909 --> 01:02:25,329
That's what Michael is here to say.
Come on. Everyone's waiting.
1291
01:02:25,371 --> 01:02:27,498
Introduce Jimmy Carter
and make a speech.
1292
01:02:27,539 --> 01:02:30,876
- [chanting] Bring troops home!
- Michael Malone will be here soon!
1293
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:33,337
Feel free to just wander on up here.
1294
01:02:33,379 --> 01:02:35,673
And here's former
President Jimmy Carter!
1295
01:02:35,714 --> 01:02:37,508
Israel is an apartheid state.
1296
01:02:37,549 --> 01:02:40,886
Uh, high taxes are good for you.
1297
01:02:40,970 --> 01:02:43,722
[woman] And after him,
Michael Malone is gonna be here!
1298
01:02:43,806 --> 01:02:45,724
Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
1299
01:02:53,190 --> 01:02:55,025
Aah!
1300
01:02:55,067 --> 01:02:57,903
What am I gonna do?
They're gonna kill me!
1301
01:02:57,987 --> 01:02:59,405
- [slap]
- Aah!
1302
01:02:59,488 --> 01:03:01,782
You spineless bastard, act like a man.
1303
01:03:01,865 --> 01:03:04,368
Why'd you do that?
I was gonna do something.
1304
01:03:04,451 --> 01:03:06,787
I just don't know what. Aah!
1305
01:03:06,870 --> 01:03:10,374
You can't sit here on the sidelines.
It's time to take action.
1306
01:03:10,416 --> 01:03:12,793
I'm considering
getting another hero.
1307
01:03:12,876 --> 01:03:13,877
Aah!
1308
01:03:13,961 --> 01:03:17,673
[Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here?
You're not a spirit.
1309
01:03:17,715 --> 01:03:20,384
I know. I just enjoy slapping you.
1310
01:03:20,426 --> 01:03:21,927
- Aah!
- Listen to yourself!
1311
01:03:22,011 --> 01:03:25,723
The time has come to forget about
the consequences and show courage!
1312
01:03:25,764 --> 01:03:27,308
You know what courage is?
1313
01:03:27,391 --> 01:03:29,727
You mean, like the lion
in The Wizard Of Oz?
1314
01:03:30,644 --> 01:03:32,563
I had a more heroic reference in mind,
1315
01:03:32,646 --> 01:03:35,190
but if The Wizard Of Oz
works for you, well, OK.
1316
01:03:35,232 --> 01:03:39,236
You know, is it possible for me
to get a little privacy in here?
1317
01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:42,031
We are facing the greatest
evil since Nazism.
1318
01:03:42,072 --> 01:03:44,241
[Patton] What are you talking about?
1319
01:03:44,325 --> 01:03:47,202
To assure there will be no more war,
I've taken the liberty
1320
01:03:47,244 --> 01:03:51,957
of arranging a formal surrender ceremony
on the U.S.S. Missouri.
1321
01:04:04,345 --> 01:04:06,889
OK, stop! I'll do it.
1322
01:04:09,475 --> 01:04:10,934
Thank you, thank you.
1323
01:04:11,018 --> 01:04:14,146
[Carter] Oh, look, here he is now,
1324
01:04:14,229 --> 01:04:16,106
a true heavyweight of the movement,
1325
01:04:16,190 --> 01:04:18,942
our brother, Michael Malone!
1326
01:04:18,984 --> 01:04:21,403
Ah... whoo.
1327
01:04:21,445 --> 01:04:23,781
Ah, thank you. Thank you.
1328
01:04:23,822 --> 01:04:26,033
Uh, I know what you all
think is important.
1329
01:04:27,618 --> 01:04:29,787
Government-run health care.
1330
01:04:30,788 --> 01:04:32,164
Global warming.
1331
01:04:33,791 --> 01:04:36,001
No handguns allowed in your home.
1332
01:04:38,295 --> 01:04:40,964
And these things are all vital.
1333
01:04:43,342 --> 01:04:46,595
But they all come second
to the most important thing of all.
1334
01:04:46,637 --> 01:04:48,597
We're in a real war, people.
1335
01:04:48,639 --> 01:04:50,641
These terrorists want to kill us all,
1336
01:04:50,724 --> 01:04:53,102
and you're acting
like it's September 10th.
1337
01:04:56,939 --> 01:04:58,148
Traitor!
1338
01:04:58,190 --> 01:04:59,650
[crowd booing]
1339
01:05:07,491 --> 01:05:08,909
Where'd you get that?!
1340
01:05:08,992 --> 01:05:10,702
Aah!
1341
01:05:14,373 --> 01:05:15,749
Aah!
1342
01:05:15,833 --> 01:05:20,170
Hang on a second!
Thanks, guys. Aah!
1343
01:05:20,254 --> 01:05:23,590
Oh, please! I don't blame you
for wantin' to water-board me
1344
01:05:23,674 --> 01:05:25,717
in a secret CIA prison,
but I've changed!
1345
01:05:25,801 --> 01:05:29,054
- We're trying to protect you.
- Well, thank you for bein' here.
1346
01:05:29,138 --> 01:05:32,474
Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter
that came to our campus.
1347
01:05:32,516 --> 01:05:34,518
What? You guys went to college?
1348
01:05:35,853 --> 01:05:41,692
[announcer] And now, folks,
give a big New York City welcome to...
1349
01:05:41,775 --> 01:05:43,777
...Whiskey Falls!
1350
01:05:43,861 --> 01:05:46,029
[fireworks exploding]
1351
01:05:46,113 --> 01:05:48,615
[♪ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly]
1352
01:05:48,699 --> 01:05:49,992
Poor Aziz.
1353
01:05:50,033 --> 01:05:52,828
He was supposed to wait
to detonate his bombs.
1354
01:05:52,870 --> 01:05:54,204
What a wanker.
1355
01:05:54,288 --> 01:05:56,748
Hey, let's get hot dogs
and go see the show.
1356
01:05:58,876 --> 01:06:01,170
After we blow ourselves up.
1357
01:06:01,211 --> 01:06:04,673
After the bombs go off,
I will personally kill you.
1358
01:06:04,715 --> 01:06:07,092
I can live with that.
1359
01:06:07,176 --> 01:06:09,178
[song continues]
1360
01:06:16,185 --> 01:06:18,228
Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone!
1361
01:06:18,312 --> 01:06:19,855
Oh, hey!
1362
01:06:19,897 --> 01:06:22,316
This is for people
who support our troops.
1363
01:06:22,399 --> 01:06:25,235
You hate country music.
What are you doin' here?
1364
01:06:25,319 --> 01:06:26,737
I had no choice.
1365
01:06:26,778 --> 01:06:29,490
I was about to be beaten
by peace marchers!
1366
01:06:30,824 --> 01:06:33,744
[announcer] And now,
on the birthday of our nation,
1367
01:06:33,785 --> 01:06:35,454
we're proud to introduce a man
1368
01:06:35,537 --> 01:06:38,582
who has entertained troops
all over the world.
1369
01:06:38,624 --> 01:06:43,587
Please welcome country music
superstar Trace Adkins!
1370
01:06:43,629 --> 01:06:45,214
[cheering and applause]
1371
01:06:46,340 --> 01:06:48,592
The Angel of Death is headlining?
1372
01:06:48,634 --> 01:06:50,385
Hello, New York City!
1373
01:06:50,427 --> 01:06:52,554
[Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar!
1374
01:06:52,596 --> 01:06:54,598
Director Akbar!
Back here!
1375
01:06:54,640 --> 01:06:56,642
Shh! I'm gonna get killed.
1376
01:06:56,725 --> 01:06:58,101
I know. We all are.
1377
01:06:58,143 --> 01:07:01,688
We have to tell you something.
Aziz is not an actor.
1378
01:07:01,772 --> 01:07:04,107
- He's not?
- He's something else.
1379
01:07:04,191 --> 01:07:05,484
Think back.
1380
01:07:08,654 --> 01:07:11,573
You look like a terrorist.
[laughing]
1381
01:07:12,783 --> 01:07:15,118
You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?
1382
01:07:15,202 --> 01:07:17,829
- [The Chicken Dance playing]
- Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1383
01:07:17,913 --> 01:07:18,914
Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1384
01:07:21,333 --> 01:07:22,417
Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1385
01:07:22,918 --> 01:07:27,172
Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist?
1386
01:07:28,632 --> 01:07:31,468
- And that would make you...
- [both] Filmmakers.
1387
01:07:31,510 --> 01:07:32,803
Right!
1388
01:07:32,886 --> 01:07:36,056
The "film" is set to go off at 7:00.
1389
01:07:42,312 --> 01:07:43,564
We have to stop him.
1390
01:07:43,647 --> 01:07:45,649
We'll never find him in this crowd.
1391
01:07:46,817 --> 01:07:50,821
There's only one place
I can see everything. The stage.
1392
01:07:50,904 --> 01:07:51,989
They hate you.
1393
01:07:52,072 --> 01:07:54,032
They hated Stalin, too.
1394
01:07:54,116 --> 01:07:55,826
Look for him out in the house.
1395
01:07:55,909 --> 01:07:58,161
- Stalin?
- The mentor of Oprah.
1396
01:07:58,203 --> 01:08:00,455
[Adkins] I wouldn't want
to be anywhere else.
1397
01:08:00,497 --> 01:08:02,874
So come on, let's not waste
any more time.
1398
01:08:02,958 --> 01:08:04,001
Let me hear you.
1399
01:08:04,084 --> 01:08:06,211
[man] Hey, Malone,
get off the stage!
1400
01:08:06,295 --> 01:08:09,506
- [booing]
- [man 2] Get off the stage!
1401
01:08:09,590 --> 01:08:12,175
- [man 3] What's he doin' here!
- Well, uh...
1402
01:08:12,259 --> 01:08:15,429
- [man] What are you doin' here?!
- [Malone] Damn it, where is he?
1403
01:08:15,512 --> 01:08:18,974
Uh, you probably all hate me,
and I don't blame you.
1404
01:08:19,016 --> 01:08:20,642
I said a lot of bad things.
1405
01:08:20,684 --> 01:08:23,937
Uh, over the last few days,
I learned a lot of lessons.
1406
01:08:24,021 --> 01:08:26,940
And now I know that terrorism
is not our fault!
1407
01:08:27,024 --> 01:08:28,358
[crowd cheering]
1408
01:08:28,400 --> 01:08:30,736
[Malone] He's got to be
out there somewhere.
1409
01:08:30,819 --> 01:08:35,532
And that, uh, we may not be perfect,
but we're the good guys!
1410
01:08:35,616 --> 01:08:36,700
[crowd] Yeah!
1411
01:08:36,742 --> 01:08:40,704
I'm sorry about what I said about
country music, NASCAR, and Americans.
1412
01:08:40,746 --> 01:08:43,665
- If you want to listen to dumb songs
- [crowd booing]
1413
01:08:43,707 --> 01:08:45,375
about cowboys and trucks
1414
01:08:45,459 --> 01:08:48,045
and watch cars endlessly
go around in circles.
1415
01:08:48,128 --> 01:08:50,881
Hey, what... Hey, this is
the United States of America!
1416
01:08:50,964 --> 01:08:53,175
We're free to do what we want!
1417
01:08:53,216 --> 01:08:56,720
So if those of you who agree with me
1418
01:08:56,762 --> 01:08:59,556
that America should be
destroyed, stand up now!
1419
01:09:01,475 --> 01:09:04,561
Yes! Die, you American pigs!
1420
01:09:04,603 --> 01:09:06,021
[crowd] What?!
1421
01:09:06,063 --> 01:09:08,231
There he is! The terrorist! Get him!
1422
01:09:10,567 --> 01:09:12,152
We'll get him, director Akbar!
1423
01:09:14,154 --> 01:09:15,906
[Malone] Get him! Get him!
1424
01:09:26,208 --> 01:09:28,710
- Aziz, don't do it!
- Allahu Akbar.
1425
01:09:28,752 --> 01:09:29,836
- Wait!
- Wait!
1426
01:09:29,920 --> 01:09:32,047
[timer beeping]
1427
01:09:32,089 --> 01:09:33,090
- Oh!
- Oh!
1428
01:09:33,173 --> 01:09:35,133
OK, now we must disarm the bomb.
1429
01:09:35,217 --> 01:09:37,427
Then it's a good thing we're alert.
1430
01:09:40,263 --> 01:09:42,849
- The red one!
- Which one's red? I'm color blind.
1431
01:09:42,933 --> 01:09:44,434
[Ahmed] We don't have time.
1432
01:09:44,476 --> 01:09:47,062
[Mohammed] I've never done this
in a restroom.
1433
01:09:47,104 --> 01:09:50,273
Don't worry about it.
Just relax and pull it gently.
1434
01:09:50,357 --> 01:09:51,483
- Like that?
- Ooh!
1435
01:09:51,566 --> 01:09:52,609
Ooh!
1436
01:09:52,651 --> 01:09:53,819
Sailors.
1437
01:09:57,114 --> 01:10:00,283
[Mohammed] Not that one!
Don't pull that one!
1438
01:10:00,367 --> 01:10:02,661
[Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here.
1439
01:10:02,744 --> 01:10:03,787
Oh!
1440
01:10:03,829 --> 01:10:05,622
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He's waking up!
1441
01:10:05,664 --> 01:10:07,040
Do something!
1442
01:10:08,208 --> 01:10:09,251
- Huh?
- Look!
1443
01:10:09,292 --> 01:10:10,919
Aah ha ha ha!
1444
01:10:10,961 --> 01:10:14,214
- [Ahmed] That was amazing.
- [Mohammed] You're incredible.
1445
01:10:14,297 --> 01:10:15,298
Marines.
1446
01:10:28,311 --> 01:10:30,480
[Ahmed] Director Akbar!
Director Akbar!
1447
01:10:30,564 --> 01:10:32,858
- Look! Look!
- [timer resumes beeping]
1448
01:10:32,941 --> 01:10:34,317
- Ooh!
- [timer stops]
1449
01:10:34,359 --> 01:10:36,611
[crowd cheering]
1450
01:10:39,114 --> 01:10:41,074
Got anything else to say, son?
1451
01:10:41,199 --> 01:10:45,287
Yeah! How about you rednecks
Play some of that awful country music!
1452
01:10:45,328 --> 01:10:47,956
[band playing]
1453
01:10:49,666 --> 01:10:51,668
Welcome to the real America.
1454
01:10:53,003 --> 01:10:55,881
You know, you look
much slimmer in person.
1455
01:10:59,009 --> 01:11:02,512
♪ This is the greatest country
in the whole wide world
1456
01:11:02,554 --> 01:11:05,515
♪ The fastest horses
The prettiest girls
1457
01:11:05,599 --> 01:11:08,977
♪ We got the Army, the Navy,
Air Force, and Marines
1458
01:11:09,019 --> 01:11:12,063
♪ The finest fightin' force
the world's ever seen
1459
01:11:12,147 --> 01:11:15,400
♪ We're the kind of people
that get things done
1460
01:11:15,484 --> 01:11:17,194
♪ No doubt about it, folks
1461
01:11:17,235 --> 01:11:18,862
♪ We're still number one
1462
01:11:18,904 --> 01:11:19,946
♪ We got the nerve
1463
01:11:20,030 --> 01:11:21,031
♪ We got the nerve
1464
01:11:21,072 --> 01:11:22,073
♪ We got the will
1465
01:11:22,157 --> 01:11:23,158
♪ We got the will
1466
01:11:23,200 --> 01:11:24,242
♪ We are all together
1467
01:11:24,326 --> 01:11:28,205
♪ And you know
that we are still America
1468
01:11:28,246 --> 01:11:31,875
♪ Yeah, I know the sun
is risin' on a better day
1469
01:11:31,958 --> 01:11:33,460
♪ America, America
1470
01:11:33,543 --> 01:11:36,713
[music fades to fifes playing]
1471
01:11:45,472 --> 01:11:47,724
♪ America, America
1472
01:11:47,766 --> 01:11:52,687
♪ Yeah, I believe in you
1473
01:11:52,729 --> 01:11:55,732
New York City!
1474
01:11:55,774 --> 01:11:56,900
Whoo!
1475
01:11:56,983 --> 01:11:58,068
There is mosh pit?
1476
01:11:58,109 --> 01:12:00,028
Not in country music.
1477
01:12:00,070 --> 01:12:01,446
Aah! Oh!
1478
01:12:02,447 --> 01:12:04,407
Oh!
1479
01:12:04,491 --> 01:12:07,410
♪ America, America
1480
01:12:07,452 --> 01:12:10,080
♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪
1481
01:12:10,121 --> 01:12:11,289
Josh.
1482
01:12:27,889 --> 01:12:28,974
Josh! Josh!
1483
01:12:29,057 --> 01:12:30,267
Huh?
1484
01:12:32,352 --> 01:12:33,478
Josh, Josh!
1485
01:12:35,105 --> 01:12:36,273
Josh, Josh!
1486
01:12:36,356 --> 01:12:37,399
Carry on.
1487
01:12:37,440 --> 01:12:39,734
[Timmy] Daddy, look who's here.
1488
01:12:39,776 --> 01:12:42,779
- Uncle Asshole!
- Josh!
1489
01:12:42,863 --> 01:12:44,239
Josh!
1490
01:12:52,789 --> 01:12:55,792
Can you forgive your stupid uncle
for being too blind to see
1491
01:12:55,876 --> 01:12:58,378
what's been right in front of him
this whole time?
1492
01:12:58,461 --> 01:13:00,547
Oh, nice! Blind jokes!
1493
01:13:00,630 --> 01:13:03,133
Uncle Michael, it's OK.
1494
01:13:03,174 --> 01:13:06,887
Well, I just want you to know
that I care about you, and...
1495
01:13:06,970 --> 01:13:08,638
...I'm proud of what you're doin'.
1496
01:13:08,680 --> 01:13:13,602
I always knew that, Uncle Michael.
I always knew it.
1497
01:13:14,644 --> 01:13:16,646
Well, now you take care of yourself,
1498
01:13:16,688 --> 01:13:19,649
'cause there's a lot
of bad people out there.
1499
01:13:19,691 --> 01:13:23,820
It's OK. As long as there's
a lot of good people here.
1500
01:13:26,281 --> 01:13:28,158
If there's anything I can do...
1501
01:13:29,242 --> 01:13:31,202
Maybe I can send
some DVDs of my movies.
1502
01:13:31,286 --> 01:13:32,662
That's all right.
1503
01:13:32,704 --> 01:13:35,665
We captured a lot of them
when we took Saddam's palace.
1504
01:13:36,958 --> 01:13:39,711
Besides, I think most
of the guys prefer features.
1505
01:13:41,338 --> 01:13:43,340
But I'd really appreciate it
1506
01:13:43,381 --> 01:13:46,468
if you could check in on Lily
and the kids while I'm gone.
1507
01:13:46,509 --> 01:13:48,345
Yeah, I will. No problem.
1508
01:13:49,846 --> 01:13:51,556
You've made Josh so happy.
1509
01:13:51,640 --> 01:13:54,017
- Thanks, Jilly.
- Lily.
1510
01:13:57,354 --> 01:13:59,272
Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael.
1511
01:13:59,356 --> 01:14:01,316
This time I know our side will win.
1512
01:14:34,015 --> 01:14:35,976
- Ow!
- Ow!
1513
01:14:36,059 --> 01:14:38,853
Aah!
1514
01:14:38,895 --> 01:14:39,980
Aah!
1515
01:14:40,063 --> 01:14:41,064
Aah!
1516
01:14:41,106 --> 01:14:42,440
[muffled screams]
1517
01:14:42,524 --> 01:14:44,275
Ow!
1518
01:14:44,359 --> 01:14:46,444
- [boy] Help!
- [gasps]
1519
01:14:46,528 --> 01:14:48,196
Aah!
1520
01:14:48,238 --> 01:14:50,115
Aah!
1521
01:14:50,198 --> 01:14:51,241
Don't worry, Josh!
1522
01:14:51,282 --> 01:14:53,493
- [screams]
- I'll take care of the family!
1523
01:15:02,335 --> 01:15:03,753
Thought I'd find you here.
1524
01:15:05,255 --> 01:15:09,217
He's a good kid.
Persian Gulf, volunteered.
1525
01:15:09,259 --> 01:15:12,095
I feel so useless.
What can I do?
1526
01:15:12,178 --> 01:15:13,930
Well, you could start by being
1527
01:15:13,972 --> 01:15:17,100
as big a pain in the ass to
the terrorists as you've been to us.
1528
01:15:17,183 --> 01:15:19,936
Like makin' a movie
of the good things about America.
1529
01:15:20,020 --> 01:15:22,147
In Hollywood? Fat chance.
1530
01:15:22,230 --> 01:15:23,815
Sorry for bein' such a jerk.
1531
01:15:23,898 --> 01:15:26,026
Sorry I made you listen
to country music.
1532
01:15:26,109 --> 01:15:27,110
Ah, forget it.
1533
01:15:27,193 --> 01:15:28,820
Hey, you want to grab a sandwich?
1534
01:15:28,903 --> 01:15:31,656
I'd love to. Used to get
a good pastrami in Manhattan.
1535
01:15:31,740 --> 01:15:35,118
Before you got t-boned by that car.
It was a spinal injury, right?
1536
01:15:35,201 --> 01:15:37,620
[Patton] Tough day.
Didn't see that comin'.
1537
01:15:37,662 --> 01:15:40,290
[Malone] What do you think
about stem cell research?
1538
01:15:40,373 --> 01:15:43,209
Let's not go there.
A broken neck is a broken neck...
1539
01:15:43,293 --> 01:15:46,296
[Grandpa] From then on,
he always remembered to celebrate
1540
01:15:46,379 --> 01:15:47,839
the Fourth of July,
1541
01:15:47,922 --> 01:15:50,341
and he did what he could
to help out the soldiers.
1542
01:15:50,425 --> 01:15:52,802
But most important, he devoted himself
1543
01:15:52,844 --> 01:15:55,138
to spreading a message of his hero.
1544
01:15:55,805 --> 01:15:57,348
My fellow Americans,
1545
01:15:57,432 --> 01:16:00,518
ask not what your country
can do for you,
1546
01:16:00,602 --> 01:16:04,314
but rather, ask, uh...
Uh... line!
1547
01:16:04,355 --> 01:16:07,400
You know, I don't think JFK
would say this like that.
1548
01:16:07,484 --> 01:16:11,196
- It's become such a...
- "What you can do for your country!"
1549
01:16:11,279 --> 01:16:14,783
Oh, cut!
What are we gonna do?
1550
01:16:14,824 --> 01:16:17,452
Fire his ass.
1551
01:16:17,494 --> 01:16:19,162
That's my boy.
1552
01:16:19,245 --> 01:16:20,580
God bless us, everyone.
1553
01:16:20,663 --> 01:16:22,957
[Malone and Timmy]
And God bless America!
1554
01:16:22,999 --> 01:16:26,169
[Grandpa] And it turned out
people actually wanted to see movies
1555
01:16:26,252 --> 01:16:28,338
that showed good things about America.
1556
01:16:28,421 --> 01:16:31,049
- [girl] Grandpa!
- Oh, Grandpa, come on.
1557
01:16:31,132 --> 01:16:34,636
Hey. It's just a story.
1558
01:16:35,762 --> 01:16:37,514
[Kennedy] My fellow Americans,
1559
01:16:37,555 --> 01:16:39,974
ask not what your country
can do for you,
1560
01:16:40,016 --> 01:16:43,269
but rather ask what you can do
for your country.
1561
01:16:44,062 --> 01:16:45,522
[Malone] Cut! Print!
1562
01:16:45,563 --> 01:16:47,899
[♪ Trace Adkins:
America I Believe In You]
1563
01:18:05,727 --> 01:18:07,729
[♪ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly]
113761
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
