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Previously
on this documentary...
2
00:00:05,420 --> 00:00:06,757
Colin Robinson is dying.
3
00:00:09,295 --> 00:00:10,532
I will be returning to England
4
00:00:10,565 --> 00:00:12,101
to assume a position on the
5
00:00:12,134 --> 00:00:13,604
Supreme Vampiric Council.
6
00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:17,077
Will you do me the honor
of accompanying me on my journey
7
00:00:17,111 --> 00:00:18,748
around the world?
8
00:00:18,781 --> 00:00:21,587
- Make sure
you look after my wife.
- What? Aah! No!
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00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:24,425
There are, it seems,
others in our world
10
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,797
whose existence
is even more terrifying
11
00:00:26,830 --> 00:00:29,235
and mysterious than our own.
12
00:00:29,268 --> 00:00:30,470
Shit.
13
00:00:59,262 --> 00:01:02,067
Josh and Elana wanted
an open concept,
14
00:01:02,101 --> 00:01:04,071
so we suggested taking down
15
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:06,175
the wall dividing the kitchen
and dining room
16
00:01:06,209 --> 00:01:08,614
and using a terra-cotta
backsplash to unify the space...
17
00:01:08,648 --> 00:01:11,085
Terra-cotta backsplash would
make a great accent.
18
00:01:11,119 --> 00:01:14,091
What he hasn't mentioned is that
that's a load-bearing wall.
19
00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:15,795
...this was
a low-bearing wall...
20
00:01:15,828 --> 00:01:17,464
Oh, I've spoken too soon.
21
00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:19,302
Apologies to you, Bran.
22
00:01:19,335 --> 00:01:22,241
What the... Ah.
23
00:01:22,274 --> 00:01:24,813
Hello there. Long time no see.
24
00:01:24,846 --> 00:01:27,852
- Come on in, but keep it down.
- Okay.
25
00:01:27,886 --> 00:01:30,424
I've found that
this is the only thing
26
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,261
that'll lull him to sleep.
27
00:01:32,294 --> 00:01:35,768
Since Nadja and Nandor departed,
it's been just me and the lad.
28
00:01:35,802 --> 00:01:37,338
I don't want to call him
Colin Robinson,
29
00:01:37,371 --> 00:01:39,408
even though he did crawl out of
30
00:01:39,442 --> 00:01:41,513
the chest cavity of
the deceased Colin Robinson.
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00:01:41,547 --> 00:01:43,316
He really is his own little man,
32
00:01:43,350 --> 00:01:45,320
and I'd like
to keep it that way.
33
00:01:45,354 --> 00:01:46,857
So, I just call him boy.
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00:01:46,890 --> 00:01:49,529
He's been growing
at a remarkable rate,
35
00:01:49,563 --> 00:01:51,600
and he's a wild little creature,
36
00:01:51,634 --> 00:01:53,336
full of mischief and surprises.
37
00:01:53,370 --> 00:01:56,209
Shit. There we are. Good boy.
38
00:01:56,242 --> 00:01:58,614
And not a bit the boring,
energy-draining Colin Robinson
39
00:01:58,648 --> 00:02:00,283
from whence he came.
40
00:02:00,317 --> 00:02:02,555
He's a good little helper.
41
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:04,458
Boy, I'm gonna need one nail.
42
00:02:04,493 --> 00:02:06,296
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
43
00:02:06,329 --> 00:02:08,300
Yeah. All right.
44
00:02:08,333 --> 00:02:09,836
Helping me maintain this house.
45
00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:10,872
One.
46
00:02:10,905 --> 00:02:12,308
Which, I'm sure you've noticed,
47
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,778
has seen better days.
48
00:02:13,811 --> 00:02:16,617
He's given me
a sense of purpose.
49
00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:19,556
And under my tutelage,
with exposure to woodcraft,
50
00:02:19,589 --> 00:02:21,225
scintillating conversation...
51
00:02:21,259 --> 00:02:23,463
- Good work, boy.
- ...high culture...
52
00:02:23,497 --> 00:02:25,635
- En garde.
- ...and, of course,
swordsmanship...
53
00:02:25,668 --> 00:02:27,204
- Ha.
- Shit.
54
00:02:27,237 --> 00:02:28,273
Ah, you're getting better.
55
00:02:28,306 --> 00:02:29,509
...I think I can mold
56
00:02:29,543 --> 00:02:31,580
this blank canvas of a boy
57
00:02:31,613 --> 00:02:35,487
into the most interesting adult
there has ever been.
58
00:02:38,561 --> 00:02:40,932
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
59
00:02:40,965 --> 00:02:43,537
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
60
00:02:43,571 --> 00:02:46,275
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
61
00:02:46,309 --> 00:02:49,215
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
62
00:02:50,651 --> 00:02:53,691
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
63
00:02:53,724 --> 00:02:56,497
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
64
00:02:56,530 --> 00:02:58,768
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
65
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:01,507
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
66
00:03:01,540 --> 00:03:03,309
♪ ♪
67
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:14,499
Oh, no.
68
00:03:14,533 --> 00:03:17,337
It's those bastards
from the gas company.
69
00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:18,841
Yes, there's a gas leak.
70
00:03:18,874 --> 00:03:21,279
Yes, I need to do
something about it.
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00:03:21,312 --> 00:03:23,684
Yes, if you turn up again,
I'm gonna kill you.
72
00:03:23,718 --> 00:03:25,988
All right, all right.
73
00:03:26,022 --> 00:03:28,761
All these wooden boxes and shit
have been arriving
74
00:03:28,794 --> 00:03:30,598
for my wife for weeks.
75
00:03:30,631 --> 00:03:32,367
I do mean to send them on
to London,
76
00:03:32,401 --> 00:03:35,942
but I've been too busy
murdering these gas employees
77
00:03:35,975 --> 00:03:38,981
that they insist
on sending round.
78
00:03:40,651 --> 00:03:42,488
Guess who.
79
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:44,926
Where the hell
did you come from?
80
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,532
Well, I had a little help.
81
00:03:47,565 --> 00:03:50,772
- Surprise!
- My darling!
82
00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:52,509
- Oh, my love.
- Every day of your absence
83
00:03:52,542 --> 00:03:53,944
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- has felt like a decade.
84
00:03:53,978 --> 00:03:55,948
Every decade, a century.
Let's fuck.
85
00:03:55,982 --> 00:03:57,484
These guys are still alive?
86
00:03:57,519 --> 00:03:59,255
Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.
87
00:03:59,288 --> 00:04:00,691
Don't you want to know
why I've returned from London?
88
00:04:00,725 --> 00:04:02,862
Yeah, you can tell me later.
It'll wait.
89
00:04:02,896 --> 00:04:06,002
My work with the Worldwide
Supreme Vampiric Council was
90
00:04:06,035 --> 00:04:09,442
so challenging
but also fulfilling, you know?
91
00:04:09,475 --> 00:04:10,711
- Yeah.
- And... and I gave it all up.
92
00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:12,347
I had to,
93
00:04:12,381 --> 00:04:14,385
because I missed you so much.
94
00:04:14,418 --> 00:04:18,326
- My wide lover.
- Your wise mov...
95
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:21,432
You are a naughty bloody boy.
96
00:04:21,466 --> 00:04:23,269
You were supposed
to come with me to London,
97
00:04:23,303 --> 00:04:25,575
but you just packed me up
and shipped me off.
98
00:04:25,608 --> 00:04:26,977
My darling,
I had to look after the boy.
99
00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:28,681
- I wrote to you.
- Yes, yes,
100
00:04:28,714 --> 00:04:30,885
about creature that crawled out
of the cavity of
101
00:04:30,918 --> 00:04:34,291
dead Colin Robinson's chest.
I understand, I guess.
102
00:04:34,325 --> 00:04:36,362
Speak of the devil.
103
00:04:36,395 --> 00:04:38,333
Hello. Is that you, little one?
104
00:04:38,366 --> 00:04:39,401
- Mommy's home.
- That's not him.
105
00:04:39,435 --> 00:04:40,671
Are you sure?
106
00:04:40,705 --> 00:04:42,675
Yes, that's a raccoon,
my darling.
107
00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:44,679
They've taken residence
in the library.
108
00:04:44,713 --> 00:04:47,785
- Oh.
- The boy himself
is upstairs, asleep.
109
00:04:47,819 --> 00:04:49,488
Well, perfect, then.
110
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,927
- Yeah.
- I want to peel you
like a potato
111
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,564
and mash your insides.
112
00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:54,933
- Come on.
- Okay.
113
00:04:54,966 --> 00:04:56,469
Watch your step, my darling.
114
00:04:56,503 --> 00:04:58,406
The water damage
has ruined the wood.
115
00:04:58,439 --> 00:05:00,343
Not this wood.
116
00:05:00,377 --> 00:05:01,880
Shit, I almost forgot.
117
00:05:01,914 --> 00:05:03,383
Before we go upstairs,
118
00:05:03,416 --> 00:05:06,355
I have a little surprise
for you.
119
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,026
It'll wait.
120
00:05:08,059 --> 00:05:09,796
Come on!
121
00:05:09,830 --> 00:05:13,838
Wassup...!
122
00:05:18,379 --> 00:05:21,587
Uh, it is a saying
from the olden days
123
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:22,856
that I learned on my travels.
124
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,759
I don't know what it means,
125
00:05:24,793 --> 00:05:26,630
but I like how it sounds.
126
00:05:26,663 --> 00:05:28,567
Yeah, well, it's a great story.
127
00:05:28,601 --> 00:05:30,003
- Thank you.
- But, uh,
128
00:05:30,036 --> 00:05:31,339
darling, "why haven't
we finished fucking?",
129
00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:32,609
you might ask yourself.
130
00:05:32,642 --> 00:05:34,044
Well, the answer is
131
00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:36,048
it's 'cause we haven't
managed to start yet.
132
00:05:36,082 --> 00:05:38,353
- Do excuse us.
- Laszlo.
133
00:05:38,386 --> 00:05:41,392
I know you're not
a sentimental fellow,
134
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:42,962
and neither am I,
135
00:05:42,996 --> 00:05:45,501
- but I have missed you.
- Aw.
136
00:05:45,535 --> 00:05:47,539
And it feels really good
to be back in the house!
137
00:05:47,572 --> 00:05:48,774
- Shit.
- Fucking hell.
138
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:49,943
- Is he dead? Huh?
- I'm okay!
139
00:05:49,976 --> 00:05:52,114
- No?
- I'm okay.
140
00:05:52,147 --> 00:05:54,719
There's a very strong smell
of gas leak down here.
141
00:05:54,753 --> 00:05:58,961
Could someone throw me down
a lit candle,
142
00:05:58,994 --> 00:06:00,698
and I can find my way out?
143
00:06:10,417 --> 00:06:12,789
My eat, prey, love journey?
144
00:06:12,822 --> 00:06:14,058
Where to begin?
145
00:06:15,193 --> 00:06:17,732
As fate would have it,
I got as far as...
146
00:06:17,765 --> 00:06:20,103
Fresno, I think it is called.
147
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,813
I met a very plump family
on the train
148
00:06:24,846 --> 00:06:25,948
from Wisconsin.
149
00:06:25,982 --> 00:06:27,484
I planned to drain them,
150
00:06:27,518 --> 00:06:29,756
but they were quite endearing.
151
00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,860
They had a very particular
way of speaking,
152
00:06:31,894 --> 00:06:33,463
It was like, um...
153
00:06:33,497 --> 00:06:35,801
"Oh, hey there, Nandor.
154
00:06:35,835 --> 00:06:37,939
"You want to come see
the Packers pound
155
00:06:37,972 --> 00:06:41,546
the frozen tundra
of the Lambeau Field?"
156
00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:43,149
Something like that.
157
00:06:44,151 --> 00:06:47,959
The love and the affection that
this family had for each other,
158
00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:50,463
it made me miss my own family.
159
00:06:50,498 --> 00:06:53,169
I grew homesick,
not for Staten Island
160
00:06:53,202 --> 00:06:56,576
but my real home in Al Qolnidar.
161
00:06:56,610 --> 00:06:59,014
So I booked passage
on a container ship
162
00:06:59,048 --> 00:07:01,218
to...
163
00:07:01,252 --> 00:07:03,089
I kind of get the idea
164
00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:04,893
that you guys aren't really
listening to what I'm saying.
165
00:07:04,926 --> 00:07:06,462
- We're listening.
- Yeah, I mean,
166
00:07:06,496 --> 00:07:07,932
I'm capable of doing
two things at once.
167
00:07:07,966 --> 00:07:09,970
- Faster.
- Go on.
168
00:07:10,003 --> 00:07:11,640
Something about
a container ship.
169
00:07:11,673 --> 00:07:13,042
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, so,
170
00:07:13,076 --> 00:07:15,013
I hitched a ride on a ship,
171
00:07:15,046 --> 00:07:16,482
and after I'd drained
all of the crew,
172
00:07:16,516 --> 00:07:18,219
we ran into a little delay.
173
00:07:18,252 --> 00:07:19,956
A traffic jam on one of
174
00:07:19,990 --> 00:07:21,593
the most important waterways
in the world.
175
00:07:21,627 --> 00:07:23,530
The Suez Canal
was blocked on Tuesday
176
00:07:23,564 --> 00:07:25,200
when a very large
container carrier got s...
177
00:07:25,233 --> 00:07:28,707
Finally, I found my way back
to Al Qolnidar.
178
00:07:28,741 --> 00:07:30,010
My h...
179
00:07:30,043 --> 00:07:31,546
Oh, wow.
180
00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:35,153
- Look at you.
- Hello, darling.
181
00:07:35,186 --> 00:07:37,692
That was the baby
Colin Robinson, I assume?
182
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:40,798
No. That came from the body
of Colin Robinson,
183
00:07:40,831 --> 00:07:42,602
but is something completely
different entirely.
184
00:07:42,635 --> 00:07:44,839
Is it boring
like Colin Robinson?
185
00:07:44,873 --> 00:07:48,514
- Well, now that
is an excellent question.
- Thank you.
186
00:07:48,547 --> 00:07:50,150
One that I have been
vigorously applying
187
00:07:50,183 --> 00:07:52,655
my scientific method to
for the past two months.
188
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:55,260
My work began with
experiments in isolation.
189
00:07:55,293 --> 00:07:58,199
I dabbled in phrenology.
190
00:07:58,232 --> 00:08:00,738
Disappointed. Shocked.
191
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,909
Happy. Puzzled.
192
00:08:02,942 --> 00:08:04,278
Fortifying good judgment.
193
00:08:04,311 --> 00:08:07,919
Important literature
or colorful shit.
194
00:08:07,952 --> 00:08:10,223
- Um...
- Make your choice.
195
00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:12,094
No!
196
00:08:12,127 --> 00:08:13,697
And, of course,
electroshock therapy.
197
00:08:13,731 --> 00:08:15,568
Again.
198
00:08:15,601 --> 00:08:19,074
I subjected him to all manner
of boring imagery.
199
00:08:19,108 --> 00:08:21,278
He found it just as tedious
as I did.
200
00:08:21,312 --> 00:08:25,020
I am delighted to report that
he is not and will not grow into
201
00:08:25,053 --> 00:08:28,660
the boring energy vampire
from whence he came.
202
00:08:28,694 --> 00:08:29,996
Rubbish.
203
00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:31,633
Only today, I was
204
00:08:31,666 --> 00:08:32,735
conducting a new experiment...
205
00:08:32,769 --> 00:08:34,171
Are you two having sex again?
206
00:08:34,204 --> 00:08:36,643
Well, I'm not
baking a cake, Nandor.
207
00:08:36,676 --> 00:08:38,212
It would be so much
more enjoyable
208
00:08:38,246 --> 00:08:40,751
if you would stop interrupting.
209
00:08:40,785 --> 00:08:42,588
- Or you could join in, old chap.
- Come on.
210
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:44,124
Room in the back.
211
00:08:44,158 --> 00:08:46,095
I'm tempted, but, uh,
I'll leave you guys to it
212
00:08:46,128 --> 00:08:47,999
- and just watch,
if that's all right.
- Okay.
213
00:08:48,032 --> 00:08:49,869
Yes, I'm cl...
I'm really close.
214
00:08:49,903 --> 00:08:51,205
You might have to
calm this down, my darling.
215
00:08:51,238 --> 00:08:53,276
I'm not sure
this settee can take it.
216
00:08:53,309 --> 00:08:56,315
This settee has taken
centuries of our love.
217
00:08:58,352 --> 00:09:00,156
Whoa.
218
00:09:00,190 --> 00:09:01,626
Are you okay?
219
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:03,697
You want me to
throw you down a candle?
220
00:09:03,731 --> 00:09:07,337
- Fuck me.
- Okay, here I go.
221
00:09:07,370 --> 00:09:09,609
They're at it again.
222
00:09:09,642 --> 00:09:12,314
Are you doing a role play
or are you really drowning?
223
00:09:12,347 --> 00:09:14,853
Drowning, my darling.
It's hot, yeah?
224
00:09:14,886 --> 00:09:17,090
Listen to this place.
225
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:19,061
It sounds like the entire house
is going to collapse
226
00:09:19,094 --> 00:09:21,332
- at any moment. Ay! Ay! The f...
- Careful, old chap.
227
00:09:21,365 --> 00:09:23,871
There's a hole there.
228
00:09:23,904 --> 00:09:25,674
What is that thumping?
229
00:09:25,708 --> 00:09:27,077
It's just bad pipes. It'll pass.
230
00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:29,181
I had to take
a sledgehammer to that wall,
231
00:09:29,214 --> 00:09:32,020
that wall and that wall
down there.
232
00:09:32,053 --> 00:09:35,594
- Oh.
- I tried to find the culprit,
but so far, no luck.
233
00:09:35,628 --> 00:09:37,097
We are running out of rooms
to sit in
234
00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:39,334
that aren't completely
falling apart.
235
00:09:39,368 --> 00:09:41,807
- It's true.
- I do wish Guillermo
was still here.
236
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,944
At least he kept the house
tidy and shipshape.
237
00:09:43,977 --> 00:09:45,280
Who's he talking about?
238
00:09:45,313 --> 00:09:46,817
- Guillermo.
- Who?
239
00:09:46,850 --> 00:09:48,352
You know, Guillermo.
240
00:09:48,386 --> 00:09:49,956
Doesn't matter how many times
you keep saying it.
241
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,227
He's about this tall,
glasses, shitty sweater.
242
00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:54,231
Nadja, I think it's time.
243
00:09:54,264 --> 00:09:56,770
Oh! That reminds me.
244
00:09:56,803 --> 00:09:59,809
I have got a teensy
little present for you both.
245
00:09:59,843 --> 00:10:00,878
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Now...
246
00:10:00,911 --> 00:10:02,080
Okay, don't get too excited.
247
00:10:02,114 --> 00:10:03,316
It's not that good.
248
00:10:03,349 --> 00:10:04,786
Should I cover my eyes?
249
00:10:04,819 --> 00:10:05,988
- I love surprises.
- Okay...
250
00:10:06,021 --> 00:10:07,157
Ta-da!
251
00:10:08,861 --> 00:10:10,230
Surprise!
252
00:10:10,263 --> 00:10:11,633
- Oh, that guy.
- Guillermo.
253
00:10:11,666 --> 00:10:13,169
- Oh.
- Right.
254
00:10:14,873 --> 00:10:17,110
How could you ship me
across the Atlantic
255
00:10:17,144 --> 00:10:19,782
in a wooden crate?
Twice!
256
00:10:19,816 --> 00:10:21,887
Always a complaint
with this one.
257
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:25,059
I packed you extra Oreos
and Pedialyte this time around,
258
00:10:25,093 --> 00:10:27,765
- just to be nice.
- I've been pounding
from the inside
259
00:10:27,799 --> 00:10:30,236
of this wooden crate for a week!
260
00:10:30,270 --> 00:10:31,973
Oh! That's what it was.
261
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,111
If I'd have known that, I
wouldn't have trashed the place.
262
00:10:34,144 --> 00:10:36,315
Good news is pipes are fine.
263
00:10:36,348 --> 00:10:38,052
That is good news.
264
00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:40,758
Okay, something
is happening now.
265
00:10:40,791 --> 00:10:43,029
I think he's going to make
a poop in his knickers.
266
00:10:43,062 --> 00:10:45,734
- That, or he's about to
start crying.
- Guillermo.
267
00:10:45,768 --> 00:10:47,872
If you want to cry, that's fine,
we won't judge you.
268
00:10:47,905 --> 00:10:49,374
But if you wish
to poop your pants,
269
00:10:49,408 --> 00:10:50,744
then I'd rather you
go somewhere else and do it.
270
00:10:50,778 --> 00:10:53,082
- You're dead to me.
- Ah.
271
00:10:53,115 --> 00:10:55,019
- You're dead to me.
- Uh...
272
00:10:55,053 --> 00:10:57,224
- You're dead to me!
- The fuck did I do?
273
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:59,796
Hm. Well, technically,
274
00:10:59,829 --> 00:11:01,298
we're all already dead, so...
275
00:11:01,332 --> 00:11:03,002
Nad... Nadja,
276
00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:05,006
that is not helpful
at this particular juncture.
277
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:07,845
- Goodbye for... Aah!
- Whoa!
278
00:11:07,879 --> 00:11:09,448
Guillermo, I'm coming!
279
00:11:09,481 --> 00:11:11,385
Oh, shit.
280
00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:15,159
Is he dead?
281
00:11:15,193 --> 00:11:16,796
Oh.
282
00:11:16,830 --> 00:11:18,700
Bloody hell.
283
00:11:19,903 --> 00:11:21,405
- Well, he needed a bath.
- Agreed.
284
00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:24,044
- Charming.
- That's better.
285
00:11:33,429 --> 00:11:35,066
How we feeling?
286
00:11:36,235 --> 00:11:38,707
- I'm fine.
- Mm.
287
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,844
I've had a lot of time
to think about my life lately,
288
00:11:40,878 --> 00:11:43,182
while I was nailed
inside a shipping crate
289
00:11:43,216 --> 00:11:44,852
for two weeks.
290
00:11:44,886 --> 00:11:46,856
I got to start
looking out for number one.
291
00:11:48,092 --> 00:11:49,394
That-that would be me.
292
00:11:49,428 --> 00:11:52,400
In this case,
I'm num-I'm number one.
293
00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:54,171
How's about I fix you up
some, uh...
294
00:11:54,204 --> 00:11:55,808
Glass of water, please.
295
00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,444
Glass of water, coming up.
296
00:11:57,477 --> 00:12:01,018
I know that you want to leave,
Guillermo.
297
00:12:01,051 --> 00:12:03,155
You feel disrespected.
298
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:05,326
Much in the same way,
299
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,466
you disrespected me
by leaving me all alone
300
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:12,040
at a train station in New Jersey
with my dick in my hand.
301
00:12:12,073 --> 00:12:15,013
- That wasn't my fault.
- Agree to disagree.
302
00:12:15,046 --> 00:12:18,152
Anyway, that was in the past
now, and I forgive you.
303
00:12:18,185 --> 00:12:20,223
And also, I need you to stay
304
00:12:20,256 --> 00:12:23,062
and do something very important
for me.
305
00:12:23,095 --> 00:12:24,866
Well...
306
00:12:24,899 --> 00:12:27,538
- what is it?
- It's not...
307
00:12:27,571 --> 00:12:31,780
easy thing for
an ancient warrior to ask.
308
00:12:34,051 --> 00:12:36,823
Guillermo de la Cruz.
309
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:38,025
Did I say it right?
310
00:12:38,059 --> 00:12:40,363
- Yes.
- Once my familiar,
311
00:12:40,396 --> 00:12:43,837
also my bodyguard,
always my friend.
312
00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:46,241
Based on definition of the word.
313
00:12:46,275 --> 00:12:48,045
- You could've stopped there.
- Would you
314
00:12:48,079 --> 00:12:50,551
do me the great honor
315
00:12:50,584 --> 00:12:53,089
of being...
316
00:12:53,122 --> 00:12:55,794
the best man at my wedding?
317
00:12:55,828 --> 00:12:58,265
- You're getting married?
- Yes. Now, don't be jealous.
318
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,103
I'm actually not.
319
00:13:00,136 --> 00:13:02,541
- Oh. Okay.
- I'm really happy for you.
320
00:13:02,575 --> 00:13:04,879
I will accept this great honor.
321
00:13:04,912 --> 00:13:06,315
Great. Good.
322
00:13:06,348 --> 00:13:07,952
I'm still looking out
323
00:13:07,985 --> 00:13:09,454
for number one, I'll just be
324
00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:11,125
Nandor's best man first.
325
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,062
One could argue that
it's way cooler
326
00:13:13,095 --> 00:13:15,400
to be made into a best man
than into a vampire.
327
00:13:15,433 --> 00:13:18,239
Don't know
who would say that, but...
328
00:13:18,272 --> 00:13:19,441
one could argue that.
329
00:13:19,474 --> 00:13:21,579
So, who is she?
330
00:13:21,613 --> 00:13:24,017
- Who is who?
- Your bride-to-be?
331
00:13:24,051 --> 00:13:25,186
- I don't know yet.
- What?
332
00:13:25,219 --> 00:13:26,188
I have not picked one.
333
00:13:26,221 --> 00:13:27,257
You haven't picked one?
334
00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:28,994
I have been very lonely,
335
00:13:29,027 --> 00:13:31,165
and the obvious fix is
to take a bride immediately,
336
00:13:31,198 --> 00:13:33,302
preferably before
the end of the month.
337
00:13:33,336 --> 00:13:35,574
- This seems a bit hasty.
- Thank you.
338
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,079
And you are going to help me
pick my bride,
339
00:13:38,112 --> 00:13:40,383
because that is
what a best man does.
340
00:13:40,416 --> 00:13:42,120
Actually, that's not
what a best man does.
341
00:13:42,153 --> 00:13:43,155
What a best man does is...
342
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:45,059
What the fuck is that?
343
00:13:45,093 --> 00:13:47,130
Oh, this is the creature that
crawled out of the chest cavity
344
00:13:47,163 --> 00:13:49,602
of Colin Robinson's dead body
after he died.
345
00:13:49,635 --> 00:13:52,908
Why does it have a lit candle
on its head?
346
00:13:52,942 --> 00:13:54,579
He could catch on fire or
catch this whole place on fire.
347
00:13:54,612 --> 00:13:56,916
Ah, there he is.
348
00:13:56,950 --> 00:13:59,221
- Yes.
- I found him.
- Okay, I found him.
349
00:13:59,254 --> 00:14:01,225
- He's giving me
sweet little kisses.
- No, my darling.
350
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,897
I don't know what you've got
out there, but he's in here.
351
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,868
Oh, okay. Never mind.
352
00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:08,172
It's just another raccoon.
353
00:14:08,205 --> 00:14:09,942
Okay. He has
354
00:14:09,976 --> 00:14:11,579
the candle on his head
for when he sneaks
355
00:14:11,613 --> 00:14:14,451
down to the basement
and swims in all the sewage.
356
00:14:14,484 --> 00:14:16,088
- It's very dark down there.
- What?
357
00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:17,625
You let him swim in the sewage?
358
00:14:17,658 --> 00:14:19,495
It helps him
shake off the sillies.
359
00:14:19,529 --> 00:14:21,465
Now, I have a little boy
360
00:14:21,499 --> 00:14:23,503
who needs feeding.
361
00:14:23,537 --> 00:14:25,574
There you are.
362
00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:27,143
You like these, don't you?
363
00:14:27,177 --> 00:14:29,147
Are you ready?
Here we go.
364
00:14:29,181 --> 00:14:30,517
Yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum.
365
00:14:30,551 --> 00:14:32,888
- No.
- Now, sit.
366
00:14:32,922 --> 00:14:35,126
Stay, boy.
367
00:14:35,159 --> 00:14:36,629
And... have at it.
368
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,671
Just can't leave
that innocent kid
369
00:14:40,704 --> 00:14:44,010
in this death trap of a house
with those lunatics.
370
00:14:45,279 --> 00:14:47,417
My mom worked a lot
when I was little.
371
00:14:47,450 --> 00:14:51,125
So I had to take care of myself
a lot, and it was hard.
372
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,928
And no kid should
373
00:14:52,962 --> 00:14:54,131
have to go through that.
374
00:14:54,164 --> 00:14:56,335
I'm gonna just focus on me.
375
00:14:56,368 --> 00:14:59,007
Me first. Me.
376
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,911
You're looking at a brand-new
Guillermo de la Cruz.
377
00:15:02,247 --> 00:15:03,550
After I take care of the wedding
378
00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:05,219
and make sure
that child doesn't die.
379
00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,125
This is my favorite part
right here...
380
00:15:08,159 --> 00:15:11,031
So, Guillermo
has made a good point.
381
00:15:11,064 --> 00:15:14,004
- Hmm.
- That we should probably make
some concrete steps
382
00:15:14,037 --> 00:15:15,974
into fixing this house,
383
00:15:16,008 --> 00:15:18,713
because it has become
a mortal danger for us
384
00:15:18,747 --> 00:15:21,118
and also for
the little creature
385
00:15:21,151 --> 00:15:23,657
- You mean the baby?
- that clawed its way out of
386
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:26,295
the chest of the corpse of
our dead friend, Colin Robinson.
387
00:15:26,328 --> 00:15:27,998
Which is what we are doing.
388
00:15:28,032 --> 00:15:30,136
I'm sorry, but I don't know
how watching 15 episodes
389
00:15:30,169 --> 00:15:33,075
of these two dimwits
installing kitchen islands
390
00:15:33,109 --> 00:15:35,079
in other people's homes
is going to help us
391
00:15:35,113 --> 00:15:36,716
- fix our house.
- Yep.
- My darling,
392
00:15:36,749 --> 00:15:39,254
Bran and Toby are brothers
with a keen eye
393
00:15:39,287 --> 00:15:40,991
on interior decor.
394
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,530
They turn
the most mundane property
395
00:15:43,563 --> 00:15:45,667
from shabby, uh, to chic.
396
00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:48,072
Tell 'em we're gonna need
a structural engineer,
397
00:15:48,105 --> 00:15:51,044
a team of contractors,
and at least two plumbers.
398
00:15:51,078 --> 00:15:53,149
Guillermo said that
we're gonna need a structural...
399
00:15:53,182 --> 00:15:54,519
- Yeah, we heard him, you prat.
- Yes, he's sitting right there.
400
00:15:54,552 --> 00:15:56,088
Guillermo has decided
401
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,058
that he's no longer
talking to you both
402
00:15:58,092 --> 00:15:59,962
because of the bad way
you have treated him
403
00:15:59,996 --> 00:16:02,367
- over the last 12 years.
- Ooh.
404
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,371
A bit of sass from the boy.
405
00:16:08,012 --> 00:16:10,149
Okay, now we are all
friends again,
406
00:16:10,183 --> 00:16:12,253
and we are breaking
each other's balls.
407
00:16:12,287 --> 00:16:13,557
- No, that's really not
what's going on here.
- Well, to fix
408
00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:15,159
this house,
we need money, correct?
409
00:16:15,193 --> 00:16:16,563
Does anyone know
if we have any money?
410
00:16:16,596 --> 00:16:18,600
- Anyone? Cash.
- Uh...
411
00:16:18,633 --> 00:16:20,737
- Coin. Gold.
- Moola. Wonga.
412
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:23,309
- Rubles. Lettuce. Dough.
- Milk. Bread.
413
00:16:23,342 --> 00:16:25,046
- Sweet cream.
- Stripper tips.
414
00:16:25,079 --> 00:16:26,649
- Anyone?
- Colin Robinson
was in charge
415
00:16:26,683 --> 00:16:29,321
of paying all the bills
in the house,
416
00:16:29,354 --> 00:16:31,325
and now Colin Robinson is dead.
417
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,062
- No, he's not.
- He's right over...
418
00:16:33,095 --> 00:16:34,565
Oh, no, no, Colin. Colin!
419
00:16:34,599 --> 00:16:36,301
No, Colin. No, no, no.
420
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:38,038
That is not Colin Robinson,
so...
421
00:16:38,072 --> 00:16:40,409
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
422
00:16:40,443 --> 00:16:43,349
It came from Colin Robinson, but
don't call him Colin Robinson.
423
00:16:43,382 --> 00:16:45,654
- Have a seat, right here.
- I do have
Colin Robinson's
424
00:16:45,687 --> 00:16:48,259
automated teller machine card.
425
00:16:48,292 --> 00:16:51,398
- Ooh.
- But what I don't have,
I'm afraid, is Colin Robinson's
426
00:16:51,431 --> 00:16:54,271
automated teller machine card
password.
427
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,308
Any ideas?
428
00:16:56,341 --> 00:16:57,678
You can't be that stupid,
can you? Just give me that.
429
00:16:57,711 --> 00:16:59,281
Ooh.
430
00:16:59,314 --> 00:17:01,385
This boy's grown some claws.
431
00:17:01,418 --> 00:17:03,422
Hey, buddy. I'm Guillermo.
432
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:05,193
- What's your name?
- Colin.
433
00:17:05,226 --> 00:17:06,496
Oh, no, no, no, no.
434
00:17:06,529 --> 00:17:08,132
The only reason
why he said that is
435
00:17:08,165 --> 00:17:09,602
'cause he's heard you say Colin
many times.
436
00:17:09,635 --> 00:17:11,739
Okay. Hey, buddy.
437
00:17:11,773 --> 00:17:14,044
Do you know the password
to this card?
438
00:17:14,077 --> 00:17:17,417
- Three.
- Three. Can we get
a-a piece of paper and pen?
439
00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:19,589
- Good job. Very good.
- My quill, my quill.
440
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:21,759
- Three-three. What else?
- Three, yes.
441
00:17:21,793 --> 00:17:23,663
- One.
- One.
- One.
442
00:17:23,697 --> 00:17:25,500
Hang on.
Four.
Four.
443
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:26,769
- Four.
- Anything else,
Colin?
444
00:17:26,803 --> 00:17:28,305
- One.
- One.
- One.
445
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,709
This is quite miraculous.
446
00:17:33,349 --> 00:17:35,554
Four. Three.
447
00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:39,327
- One. Zero. Two.
- At least I tried.
448
00:17:39,361 --> 00:17:41,031
Bloody waste of time.
449
00:17:46,408 --> 00:17:48,078
Do you know what could be
a very good moneymaker?
450
00:17:48,112 --> 00:17:51,351
Opening up
our own vampire nightclub.
451
00:17:51,385 --> 00:17:53,188
Ooh, yes, a great idea.
452
00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:55,226
- A what?
- A vampire nightclub.
453
00:17:55,259 --> 00:17:56,428
Like in the film Blade,
454
00:17:56,461 --> 00:17:58,232
with the blood sprinklers
455
00:17:58,265 --> 00:17:59,535
and the live F and S show.
456
00:17:59,568 --> 00:18:01,606
- Imagine!
- I got it.
457
00:18:01,639 --> 00:18:03,510
We rob Fort Knox.
458
00:18:03,543 --> 00:18:06,616
Guillermo, I am going to need
600 yards of strong rope.
459
00:18:06,649 --> 00:18:08,787
Why would you need
that much rope?
460
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:11,458
- You got any better ideas?
- Uh, I just said one.
461
00:18:11,492 --> 00:18:14,130
- She just said one.
- Well, if you two
are considering
462
00:18:14,164 --> 00:18:17,403
selling my TV projector monitor,
then you can get fucked.
463
00:18:17,437 --> 00:18:19,207
- Hmm.
- The new series of
Go Flip Yourself
464
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,744
starts next week,
465
00:18:20,777 --> 00:18:23,717
where Bran and Toby face
their biggest challenges yet.
466
00:18:23,750 --> 00:18:25,587
- Hmm.
- Guys, could we circle back?
467
00:18:25,621 --> 00:18:27,323
I'm telling you,
the nightclub business...
468
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:30,262
- it is a cash-only business.
- I've got it.
469
00:18:30,296 --> 00:18:32,300
We break into
Henry Ford's house,
470
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:34,270
- Oh...
- and we steal all his money.
471
00:18:34,304 --> 00:18:36,776
Guillermo, I'm just gonna need
ten yards of strong rope.
472
00:18:36,809 --> 00:18:38,412
I did learn three
473
00:18:38,445 --> 00:18:40,316
very valuable lessons
on my trip to England.
474
00:18:41,451 --> 00:18:43,188
Number one, if you go to work
475
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:44,759
for the Supreme Worldwide
Vampiric Council,
476
00:18:44,792 --> 00:18:46,461
do not let them
477
00:18:46,496 --> 00:18:48,833
put you on a ten-year
Vampiric Planning Committee,
478
00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:50,704
'cause that is
where they just stick
479
00:18:50,737 --> 00:18:53,810
Z-list and C-list vampires
to just sit around,
480
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:55,446
talking about boring admin
all day.
481
00:18:55,479 --> 00:18:58,185
And that is why the focus
of our five-year plan
482
00:18:58,218 --> 00:18:59,855
should be to form a variety
483
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,160
of subcommittees
and study groups...
484
00:19:02,193 --> 00:19:03,763
And the second thing
I learned is,
485
00:19:03,797 --> 00:19:06,168
as a woman,
sometimes you do need
486
00:19:06,201 --> 00:19:08,305
to use your special voice
to be heard.
487
00:19:08,339 --> 00:19:11,445
I was too afraid to use mine in
the Vampiric Council meetings,
488
00:19:11,478 --> 00:19:13,282
and I deeply regret that.
489
00:19:13,315 --> 00:19:14,451
Unless anyone has
anything else, I think we can...
490
00:19:14,484 --> 00:19:15,554
If I could?
491
00:19:15,587 --> 00:19:17,357
I have prepared a little pitch.
492
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,929
Another way we could
possibly go with our...
493
00:19:19,962 --> 00:19:21,566
five-year plan.
494
00:19:23,268 --> 00:19:25,907
I have just two words for you.
495
00:19:27,745 --> 00:19:30,584
Vampire nightclub.
496
00:19:30,617 --> 00:19:32,420
And that's
the other thing I learned.
497
00:19:32,453 --> 00:19:34,792
I just really want to open
a vampiric nightclub!
498
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,228
I mean, come on.
499
00:19:36,261 --> 00:19:37,731
It's a no-brainer.
500
00:19:37,765 --> 00:19:41,204
Oh, Nadja, every new vampire
comes up with this idea,
501
00:19:41,238 --> 00:19:43,442
and it's not what we do here.
502
00:19:43,475 --> 00:19:44,812
Oh.
503
00:19:44,845 --> 00:19:46,481
Okay.
504
00:19:46,516 --> 00:19:47,951
Thank you for your time.
505
00:19:47,985 --> 00:19:49,822
And so that is when
I decided to quit
506
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,293
the Worldwide Supreme
Vampiric Council and come home.
507
00:19:52,326 --> 00:19:53,797
Okay, this is ridiculous.
You're all vampires.
508
00:19:53,830 --> 00:19:55,433
Just go to the bank
and hypnotize the teller...
509
00:19:55,466 --> 00:19:56,903
Enough!
510
00:19:56,936 --> 00:19:59,207
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Shit!
511
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,311
Whoa!
512
00:20:03,015 --> 00:20:06,254
I am telling you, we are going
to open a vampire nightclub.
513
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,461
- Any questions?
- Works for me.
- Fine and dandy by this boy.
514
00:20:09,495 --> 00:20:10,864
What?
515
00:20:11,933 --> 00:20:14,404
So, was it great being back home
516
00:20:14,437 --> 00:20:15,507
in Al Qolnidar?
517
00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:16,776
No, it was not.
518
00:20:16,809 --> 00:20:18,412
I returned back to my village,
519
00:20:18,445 --> 00:20:20,316
and it was exactly
how I left it,
520
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:23,388
except everyone
had become vampires.
521
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,660
So, wasn't it nice
to be among your own kind?
522
00:20:25,694 --> 00:20:26,863
I hated it.
523
00:20:26,896 --> 00:20:28,533
If everyone is a vampire,
524
00:20:28,566 --> 00:20:30,336
there's nothing special
about being a vampire.
525
00:20:30,369 --> 00:20:31,873
It was not good
for my mental health.
526
00:20:31,906 --> 00:20:33,877
- Are you two tits coming
or what?
- Yes,
527
00:20:33,910 --> 00:20:35,714
yes. There's no need to shout.
528
00:20:36,883 --> 00:20:39,320
- Oh.
- Oh...
529
00:20:39,354 --> 00:20:40,857
Hello?!
530
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:42,494
- Guillermo, get the lights.
- Guillermo,
531
00:20:42,528 --> 00:20:43,897
- get the lights.
- Gizmo, get the lights.
532
00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:46,001
Why do I have to still do it?
533
00:20:46,034 --> 00:20:47,805
Oh.
534
00:20:47,838 --> 00:20:49,909
- There you are.
- Shit.
535
00:20:49,942 --> 00:20:51,712
What the hell are you doing?
536
00:20:51,746 --> 00:20:54,819
Just sitting here, waiting
for you guys to come back.
537
00:20:54,852 --> 00:20:57,591
- For a year?
- What? A year?
538
00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:58,993
Oh, wow.
539
00:20:59,027 --> 00:21:01,031
Guess I was just so afraid
if I got up,
540
00:21:01,064 --> 00:21:03,001
that would be the moment
you would come in.
541
00:21:03,035 --> 00:21:04,772
You know? So I just waited.
542
00:21:06,341 --> 00:21:07,845
Well...
543
00:21:07,878 --> 00:21:10,650
We have a lot of Council
business to catch up on, huh?
544
00:21:10,684 --> 00:21:13,623
Actually, no.
No more business as usual.
545
00:21:13,656 --> 00:21:17,430
- Change of direction.
- Oh, that's something
I really enjoy.
546
00:21:17,463 --> 00:21:19,467
- I'll tell you what it is.
- Okay.
547
00:21:19,502 --> 00:21:22,975
We are opening a motherfucking
vampire nightclub, baby!
548
00:21:23,008 --> 00:21:25,446
Cool. Where?
549
00:21:25,479 --> 00:21:26,582
Here.
550
00:21:26,616 --> 00:21:27,784
Yes.
551
00:21:27,818 --> 00:21:29,387
- No.
- Yes.
552
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:31,492
We are opening
a vampire nightclub.
553
00:21:31,526 --> 00:21:34,765
And if any of you motherfuckers
get in my way,
554
00:21:34,799 --> 00:21:38,472
you will surely
live to regret it!
555
00:21:40,544 --> 00:21:41,913
♪ Welcome ♪
556
00:21:41,946 --> 00:21:44,050
♪ To the vampires club ♪
557
00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:46,722
♪ Welcome ♪
558
00:21:46,756 --> 00:21:49,528
♪ To the vampires club ♪
559
00:21:49,562 --> 00:21:51,464
♪ Make yourselves at home ♪
560
00:21:51,499 --> 00:21:53,001
♪ Welcome ♪
561
00:21:53,035 --> 00:21:55,740
♪ To the vampires club ♪
562
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,410
♪ Welcome ♪
563
00:21:57,443 --> 00:22:00,817
♪ To the vampires club ♪
564
00:22:00,851 --> 00:22:02,353
♪ Welcome ♪
565
00:22:02,386 --> 00:22:04,424
♪ To the vampires club ♪
566
00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:06,596
♪ Make yourselves at home ♪
567
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,566
♪ Welcome ♪
568
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,904
♪ To the vampires club ♪
569
00:22:10,937 --> 00:22:12,908
♪ Welcome ♪
570
00:22:12,941 --> 00:22:15,379
♪ To the vampires club ♪
571
00:22:15,412 --> 00:22:18,385
- ♪ I want you, I want you ♪
- ♪ Gonna haunt you ♪
572
00:22:18,418 --> 00:22:20,456
- ♪ Do you want me
like I want you? ♪
- ♪ Gonna haunt you ♪
573
00:22:20,489 --> 00:22:22,995
- ♪ Gonna haunt you ♪
- ♪ I want you ♪
574
00:22:23,028 --> 00:22:25,567
- ♪ I'm gonna haunt you ♪
- ♪ Wherever you are. ♪
575
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,604
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
41968
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