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WEBVTT
00:47.000 --> 00:49.799
There's nothing to tell.
It's just some guy I work with.
00:49.880 --> 00:52.079
Come on.
You're going out with a guy.
00:52.159 --> 00:54.479
There's gotta be something
wrong with him.
00:54.799 --> 00:57.159
So does he have a hump,
a hump and a hair piece?
00:58.920 --> 01:00.159
Wait. Does he eat chalk?
01:01.479 --> 01:04.439
I don't want her to go through
what I went through with Carl.
01:04.760 --> 01:07.560
Okay, everybody relax.
This is not even a date.
01:07.640 --> 01:10.359
It's just two people going out
to dinner and not having sex.
01:10.680 --> 01:12.040
Sounds like a date to me.
01:14.920 --> 01:17.519
I'm back in high school,
in the middle of the cafeteria,
01:17.840 --> 01:20.920
and I realize I'm totally naked.
01:21.239 --> 01:22.799
-Yeah.
-I've had that dream.
01:22.879 --> 01:26.719
Then I look down
and I realize there is a phone
01:27.400 --> 01:29.159
there.
01:30.159 --> 01:31.879
-Instead of...
-That's right!
01:32.200 --> 01:33.680
-That one, I've never had.
-No.
01:33.760 --> 01:36.319
All of a sudden,
the phone starts to ring.
01:37.959 --> 01:39.519
And it turns out it's my mother.
01:41.280 --> 01:45.319
Which is very, very weird
because she never calls me.
01:50.200 --> 01:51.959
Hi.
01:53.040 --> 01:55.959
This guy says "hello,"
I wanna kill myself.
01:56.359 --> 01:57.359
Are you okay, sweetie?
01:57.719 --> 02:01.120
I feel like someone grabbed
my small intestine,
02:01.200 --> 02:03.719
pulled it out of my mouth,
and tied it around my neck.
02:03.799 --> 02:05.000
Cookie?
02:07.040 --> 02:08.759
Carol moved her stuff out today.
02:09.400 --> 02:11.439
-Let me get you some coffee.
-Thanks.
02:16.240 --> 02:19.360
No. No, don't!
Stop cleansing my aura.
02:20.280 --> 02:22.639
Just leave my aura alone, okay?
02:24.240 --> 02:27.520
I'll be fine. All right? Really.
I hope she'll be very happy.
02:27.599 --> 02:28.919
-No, you don't.
-No, I don't.
02:29.000 --> 02:30.680
To hell with her. She left me!
02:31.759 --> 02:33.560
And you never knew
she was a lesbian.
02:37.520 --> 02:38.719
No! Okay?
02:39.759 --> 02:42.360
Why does everyone
keep fixating on that?
02:44.000 --> 02:46.599
She didn't know.
How should I know?
02:48.479 --> 02:50.919
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
02:52.599 --> 02:54.400
Did I say that out loud?
02:56.319 --> 03:00.319
All right, Ross. Look, you're feeling
a lot of pain right now.
03:00.400 --> 03:04.479
You're angry. You're hurting.
Can I tell you what the answer is?
03:05.319 --> 03:06.439
Strip joints!
03:08.639 --> 03:11.080
Come on, you're single.
Have some hormones.
03:11.159 --> 03:12.919
See, but I don't want
to be single, okay?
03:13.000 --> 03:15.319
I just wanna be married again.
03:20.439 --> 03:22.879
And I just want a million dollars!
03:24.560 --> 03:25.680
Rachel?
03:25.759 --> 03:28.439
Oh, God, Monica!
Hi! Thank God!
03:28.520 --> 03:29.960
I went to your building
03:30.039 --> 03:33.719
and this guy with a big hammer said
that you might be here, and you are.
03:34.039 --> 03:37.319
-Can I get you some coffee?
-Decaf.
03:38.000 --> 03:41.879
Okay, everybody, this is Rachel,
another Lincoln High survivor.
03:41.960 --> 03:45.080
This is everybody. This is
Chandler and Phoebe, and Joey.
03:45.159 --> 03:46.800
And remember my brother,
Ross?
03:46.879 --> 03:48.039
-Sure!
-Hey.
03:48.120 --> 03:49.879
-Hi.
-Oh, God.
03:57.639 --> 04:00.800
So you wanna tell us now, or are we
waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
04:03.120 --> 04:07.919
Oh, God! It started about
a half-hour before the wedding.
04:08.000 --> 04:10.400
I was in this room
with all the presents,
04:10.479 --> 04:12.319
and I was looking
at this gravy boat.
04:12.400 --> 04:15.759
This really gorgeous Limoges
gravy boat.
04:15.840 --> 04:17.680
When all of a sudden...
Sweet 'N Low?
04:17.759 --> 04:23.480
I realized I was more turned on
by this gravy boat than by Barry.
04:23.920 --> 04:26.879
Then I got really freaked out,
and that's when it hit me:
04:26.959 --> 04:29.839
How much Barry
looks like Mr. Potato Head.
04:29.920 --> 04:32.560
I always knew
he looked familiar, but...
04:35.240 --> 04:38.360
Anyway, I just had to get out
of there, and I started wondering:
04:38.680 --> 04:42.240
"Why am I doing this?"
And "Who am I doing this for?"
04:42.319 --> 04:44.160
Anyway, I just didn't know
where to go,
04:44.240 --> 04:46.199
and I know
you and I have drifted apart,
04:46.279 --> 04:49.639
but you're the only person
I know in the city.
04:49.720 --> 04:51.519
Who wasn't invited
to the wedding.
04:51.600 --> 04:54.279
I was kind of hoping
that wouldn't be an issue.
05:07.959 --> 05:10.199
I'm guessing he bought her
the big pipe organ,
05:10.279 --> 05:12.800
and she's really not happy
about it.
05:14.120 --> 05:18.079
Daddy, I just...
I can't marry him. I'm sorry.
05:18.920 --> 05:20.560
I just don't love him.
05:22.120 --> 05:23.519
It matters to me.
05:27.079 --> 05:29.279
She should not be wearing
those pants.
05:30.800 --> 05:35.920
-I say push her down the stairs.
-Push her down the stairs!
05:39.759 --> 05:41.800
Come on, Daddy,
listen to me!
05:41.879 --> 05:48.480
It's like all of my life, everyone's
always told me, "You're a shoe!"
05:48.560 --> 05:51.759
Then today I stopped and said,
"What if I don't wanna be a shoe?
05:51.839 --> 05:55.800
What if I wanna be a purse?
You know? Or a hat?"
05:57.639 --> 06:01.319
I don't want you to buy me a hat,
I am a hat. It's a metaphor, Daddy!
06:04.040 --> 06:06.000
You can see
where he'd have trouble.
06:08.920 --> 06:10.639
Look, Daddy, it's my life.
06:12.000 --> 06:14.279
Maybe I'll just stay here
with Monica.
06:17.600 --> 06:20.560
I guess we've established
she's staying with Monica.
06:21.600 --> 06:23.600
Maybe that's my decision.
06:24.879 --> 06:27.120
Maybe I don't need your money.
06:27.199 --> 06:29.279
Wait! I said maybe!
06:36.040 --> 06:40.639
Okay. Just breathe, that's it. Just
try to think of nice, calm things.
06:41.240 --> 06:44.519
Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens
06:45.199 --> 06:48.879
Doorbells and sleigh bells
And something with mittens
06:49.360 --> 06:52.480
La la la something
With string
06:52.920 --> 06:54.639
I'm all better now.
06:56.439 --> 06:57.800
I helped.
06:59.959 --> 07:02.120
Look, this is probably
for the best, you know?
07:02.519 --> 07:05.079
Independence.
Taking control of your life.
07:05.160 --> 07:09.399
And if you need anything,
you can always come to Joey.
07:09.480 --> 07:12.879
Me and Chandler live right
across the hall. And he's away a lot.
07:14.560 --> 07:17.199
Joey, stop hitting on her.
It's her wedding day.
07:17.519 --> 07:19.759
What?
Like there's a rule or something?
07:21.519 --> 07:25.000
Please don't do that again.
It's a horrible sound.
07:25.079 --> 07:27.319
-It's Paul.
-Buzz him in.
07:27.680 --> 07:29.920
-Who's Paul?
-Paul, the wine guy, Paul?
07:30.399 --> 07:31.399
Maybe.
07:31.480 --> 07:34.560
Wait a minute. Your "not a real date"
is with Paul, the wine guy?
07:34.639 --> 07:36.439
-He finally asked you out?
-Yes.
07:36.519 --> 07:38.160
This is a "Dear Diary" moment.
07:39.720 --> 07:43.199
-Rach, wait, I can cancel.
-Please, no. Go, I'll be fine.
07:43.279 --> 07:46.759
Ross, are you okay?
Do you want me to stay?
07:47.680 --> 07:49.639
That'd be good.
07:50.079 --> 07:53.600
-Really?
-No, go on! It's Paul, the wine guy.
07:57.360 --> 08:02.720
Hi, come in. Paul, this is everybody.
Everybody, this is Paul.
08:03.399 --> 08:04.519
Paul, the wine guy.
08:04.600 --> 08:06.839
-Wine guy.
-I didn't catch your name.
08:06.920 --> 08:08.040
Paul, was it?
08:08.720 --> 08:11.040
-Okay. Sit down. Two seconds.
-Okay.
08:15.120 --> 08:18.000
I just pulled out four eyelashes.
That can't be good.
08:20.519 --> 08:22.240
So, Rachel,
what are you up to tonight?
08:22.839 --> 08:26.839
I was supposed to be headed
for Aruba on my honeymoon,
08:26.920 --> 08:28.120
so, nothing.
08:30.000 --> 08:32.039
Right. You're not even
getting your honeymoon.
08:32.399 --> 08:36.320
God. No. Although, Aruba.
This time of year?
08:36.399 --> 08:37.519
Talk about your...
08:39.000 --> 08:40.080
big lizards.
08:44.600 --> 08:47.320
Anyway, if you don't feel
like being alone tonight,
08:47.399 --> 08:50.200
Joey and Chandler
are helping me with my furniture.
08:50.279 --> 08:52.399
Yes, and we're very excited
about it.
08:53.720 --> 08:56.960
Actually, thanks, but I'm just gonna
hang out here tonight.
08:57.039 --> 08:59.320
-It's been a long day.
-Sure. Okay. Sure.
08:59.399 --> 09:02.440
-Pheebs, you wanna help?
-I wish I could, but I don't want to.
09:10.399 --> 09:14.720
I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y
thing to the side things
09:14.799 --> 09:17.399
using a bunch
of these little worm guys.
09:18.600 --> 09:23.240
I have no bracket-y thing,
I see no worm guys whatsoever,
09:23.320 --> 09:26.200
and I cannot feel my legs.
09:27.799 --> 09:31.799
-What's this?
-I have no idea.
09:33.679 --> 09:35.919
-Done with the bookcase.
-All finished.
09:39.440 --> 09:41.399
This was Carol's favorite beer.
09:43.159 --> 09:45.799
She always drank it out of the can.
I should have known.
09:45.879 --> 09:48.360
Hey. Ross,
let me ask you a question.
09:48.879 --> 09:52.519
She got the furniture,
the stereo, the good TV.
09:53.320 --> 09:55.639
-What did you get?
-You guys.
09:55.720 --> 09:57.840
-Oh, God.
-You got screwed.
09:58.279 --> 10:01.840
-Oh, my God.
-I know. I'm such an idiot.
10:02.639 --> 10:03.679
I should've caught on
10:03.759 --> 10:07.080
when she went to the dentist
four and five times a week.
10:07.159 --> 10:09.360
How clean can teeth get?
10:09.440 --> 10:11.840
My brother's going through that.
He's such a mess.
10:11.919 --> 10:13.639
How did you get through it?
10:13.720 --> 10:17.159
He might try accidentally breaking
something valuable of hers.
10:17.240 --> 10:18.840
-Say her...
-Leg?
10:18.919 --> 10:20.679
That's one way
of going through it, yeah.
10:21.279 --> 10:22.679
Me, I went for the watch.
10:23.200 --> 10:24.919
You actually broke her watch?
10:25.600 --> 10:28.480
Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
10:28.799 --> 10:32.679
You probably think it's about
making love with your socks on,
10:32.759 --> 10:33.759
but it isn't.
10:33.840 --> 10:36.320
It isn't, it's about me. And I...
10:43.159 --> 10:46.000
Hi. Machine cut me off again.
Anyway...
10:47.799 --> 10:49.240
You know what's scary?
10:49.320 --> 10:51.840
What if there's only one woman
for everybody?
10:51.919 --> 10:55.200
What if you get one woman,
and that's it?
10:55.279 --> 10:59.600
Unfortunately, in my case,
there was only one woman for her.
11:00.399 --> 11:02.480
What are you talking about?
One woman.
11:04.080 --> 11:07.639
That's like saying there's only
one flavor of ice cream for you.
11:07.720 --> 11:10.919
Let me tell you something, Ross.
There's lots of flavors out there.
11:11.000 --> 11:15.720
There's Rocky Road and Cookie Dough
and Bing Cherry Vanilla.
11:16.360 --> 11:20.600
You can get them with jimmies
or nuts or whipped cream.
11:20.919 --> 11:23.559
This is the best thing
that ever happened to you.
11:23.639 --> 11:26.320
You got married.
You were like, what, 8?
11:28.279 --> 11:32.200
Welcome back to the world.
Grab a spoon.
11:32.279 --> 11:34.639
I honestly don't know
if I'm hungry or horny.
11:35.159 --> 11:36.639
Then stay out of my freezer.
11:40.080 --> 11:42.559
Ever since she walked out on me, I...
11:43.679 --> 11:45.639
What?
11:45.720 --> 11:47.679
You wanna spell it out with noodles?
11:47.759 --> 11:51.039
No, it's more of a fifth date
kind of revelation.
11:51.879 --> 11:54.720
So there's gonna be a fifth date?
11:56.279 --> 11:58.000
Isn't there?
11:58.080 --> 12:00.080
Yeah. I think there is.
12:01.440 --> 12:02.879
What were you gonna say?
12:05.120 --> 12:07.080
Well...
12:08.279 --> 12:10.320
Ever since she left me,
12:11.480 --> 12:15.360
I haven't been able
to perform sexually.
12:18.799 --> 12:20.360
Oh, God! I am so...
12:20.440 --> 12:21.799
-I'm so sorry.
-It's okay.
12:21.879 --> 12:25.000
Being spit on is probably
not what you need right now.
12:27.440 --> 12:28.480
How long?
12:29.080 --> 12:30.200
Two years.
12:32.360 --> 12:35.120
I'm glad you smashed her watch.
12:37.080 --> 12:40.480
So you still think
you might want that fifth date?
12:43.240 --> 12:44.519
Yeah.
12:44.960 --> 12:46.559
Yeah, I do.
12:47.799 --> 12:50.919
I, Joanie, take you, Charles,
as my lawful husband.
12:51.320 --> 12:54.519
-Do you take Joanie...
-See.
12:54.600 --> 12:59.519
But Joanie loved Chachi.
That's the difference.
13:01.080 --> 13:02.320
"Grab a spoon."
13:02.720 --> 13:05.039
Do you know long it's been
since I grabbed a spoon?
13:05.759 --> 13:08.240
Do the words, "Billy, don't be
a hero," mean anything to you?
13:10.480 --> 13:11.720
Here's the thing.
13:12.399 --> 13:16.120
Even if I could get it together
enough to ask a woman out
13:17.840 --> 13:19.080
who am I gonna ask?
13:40.600 --> 13:42.000
Isn't this amazing?
13:42.080 --> 13:44.399
I have never made coffee
before in my life.
13:44.480 --> 13:47.000
-That is amazing.
-Congratulations.
13:47.080 --> 13:48.080
While you're on a roll,
13:48.159 --> 13:51.519
if you feel like you gotta make
a Western omelet or something...
13:54.399 --> 13:57.639
Although, actually I'm really
not that hungry this morning.
13:58.600 --> 13:59.960
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
14:00.039 --> 14:01.519
-Morning.
-Morning.
14:02.480 --> 14:04.639
-Morning.
-Morning, Paul.
14:04.720 --> 14:07.720
-Hello, Paul.
-Hi. Paul, is it?
14:11.759 --> 14:14.480
I had a really great time last night.
14:14.559 --> 14:16.279
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
14:17.039 --> 14:18.919
-We'll talk later, okay?
-Yeah.
14:24.279 --> 14:25.360
Thank you.
14:31.639 --> 14:33.159
That wasn't a real date.
14:35.000 --> 14:37.639
What the hell do you do
on a real date?
14:38.559 --> 14:40.879
-Shut up and put my table back.
-Okay.
14:42.039 --> 14:43.960
All right, kids,
I gotta get to work.
14:44.039 --> 14:48.360
If I don't input those numbers,
it doesn't make much of a difference.
14:52.240 --> 14:54.200
So, like, you guys all have jobs?
14:55.039 --> 14:58.840
Yeah, we all have jobs.
See, that's how we buy stuff.
15:00.919 --> 15:04.600
-Yeah, I'm an actor.
-Would I have seen you in anything?
15:04.679 --> 15:07.039
I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
15:07.120 --> 15:10.480
Unless you happened to catch the
Wee One's production of Pinocchio.
15:10.799 --> 15:13.159
"Look, Geppeto. I'm a real live boy."
15:15.960 --> 15:19.600
-I will not take this abuse.
-You're right. I'm sorry.
15:20.080 --> 15:22.600
Once I was a wooden boy
A little wooden boy
15:26.600 --> 15:28.960
So how are you doing today?
Did you sleep okay?
15:29.039 --> 15:32.159
Did you talk to Barry?
I can't stop smiling.
15:33.000 --> 15:36.639
I can see that. You look like you
slept with a hanger in your mouth.
15:41.759 --> 15:44.039
I know. He's just so...
15:45.240 --> 15:46.840
Remember you
and Tony De Marco?
15:46.919 --> 15:49.559
-Yeah.
-It's like that. With feelings.
15:51.600 --> 15:53.120
Are you in trouble!
15:53.840 --> 15:57.559
Okay. I am just going to get up,
go to work,
15:57.639 --> 15:59.399
and not think about him all day.
16:00.399 --> 16:02.799
Or else I'm just gonna get up
and go to work.
16:03.399 --> 16:05.080
-Wish me luck!
-What for?
16:05.159 --> 16:08.240
I'm gonna go get one
of those job things.
16:15.960 --> 16:18.559
-Hey, Monica.
-Hey, Franny. Welcome back.
16:18.639 --> 16:21.559
-How was Florida?
-You had sex, didn't you?
16:23.679 --> 16:24.840
How do you do that?
16:25.399 --> 16:28.960
-So, who?
-You know Paul?
16:29.559 --> 16:31.159
Paul, the wine guy?
16:31.240 --> 16:32.679
Yeah, I know Paul.
16:35.200 --> 16:37.720
You mean, you know Paul
like I know Paul?
16:37.799 --> 16:40.080
Are you kidding?
I take credit for Paul.
16:40.159 --> 16:44.039
Before me, there was no snap
in his turtle for two years.
16:47.240 --> 16:49.600
Of course it was a line.
16:50.080 --> 16:52.759
Why? Why would anybody
do something like that?
16:52.840 --> 16:56.039
We're looking for an answer
more sophisticated than:
16:56.120 --> 16:57.879
"To get you into bed."
16:58.879 --> 17:00.559
Is it me?
17:00.639 --> 17:04.119
Is it like I have some sort of
beacon that only dogs,
17:04.200 --> 17:06.839
and men with severe emotional
problems can hear?
17:06.920 --> 17:08.680
All right, come here.
Give me your feet.
17:15.960 --> 17:17.960
I just thought he was nice,
you know?
17:20.480 --> 17:22.880
I can't believe you
didn't know it was a line.
17:27.519 --> 17:28.599
Guess what.
17:28.680 --> 17:30.480
-You got a job?
-Are you kidding?
17:30.559 --> 17:32.079
I'm trained for nothing.
17:33.920 --> 17:35.960
I was laughed out
of 12 interviews today.
17:36.039 --> 17:37.640
Yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
17:37.720 --> 17:38.920
You would be too
17:39.000 --> 17:42.200
if you found Joan and David boots
on sale 50 percent off.
17:43.119 --> 17:44.759
How well you know me.
17:46.440 --> 17:49.039
They're my new
"I don't need a job or my parents.
17:49.119 --> 17:51.000
I've got great boots" boots.
17:52.400 --> 17:54.440
-How'd you pay for them?
-Credit card.
17:55.039 --> 17:56.559
And who pays for that?
17:57.279 --> 17:59.200
My father.
18:01.759 --> 18:03.759
You can't live off your parents
your whole life.
18:03.839 --> 18:06.400
I know that.
That's why I was getting married.
18:07.920 --> 18:10.880
Give her a break. It's hard being
on your own for the first time.
18:10.960 --> 18:12.480
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
18:12.559 --> 18:15.240
I remember when I first came
to this city, I was 14.
18:15.319 --> 18:18.160
My mom had killed herself
and my stepdad was back in prison.
18:18.240 --> 18:20.279
And I got here,
and I didn't know anybody.
18:20.359 --> 18:22.279
I ended up living with
this albino guy
18:22.359 --> 18:25.079
who was cleaning windshields
outside Port Authority.
18:25.160 --> 18:27.079
And then he killed himself.
18:28.119 --> 18:29.759
And then I found aromatherapy.
18:29.839 --> 18:32.119
So believe me,
I know exactly how you feel.
18:35.759 --> 18:38.319
The word you're looking for is:
18:38.960 --> 18:40.119
"Anyway..."
18:44.160 --> 18:45.319
All right. You ready?
18:45.400 --> 18:46.960
-I don't think so.
-Come on.
18:47.359 --> 18:51.680
-Cut.
-Cut.
18:53.319 --> 18:55.559
-Hey.
-All right.
18:56.359 --> 18:59.799
Welcome to the real world.
It sucks. You're gonna love it.
19:07.480 --> 19:10.799
That's it.
You gonna crash on the couch?
19:10.880 --> 19:14.160
-No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
-Are you gonna be okay?
19:14.240 --> 19:15.599
Yeah.
19:16.680 --> 19:18.400
Look what I just found on the floor.
19:20.680 --> 19:23.680
-What?
-That's Paul's watch.
19:24.160 --> 19:26.440
You can just put it back
where you found it.
19:27.480 --> 19:30.880
Oh, boy. All right.
Good night, everybody.
19:30.960 --> 19:32.039
Good night.
19:42.880 --> 19:44.079
-Sorry.
-No. Go.
19:44.160 --> 19:46.119
-No, have it, really.
-Split it?
19:46.200 --> 19:47.319
-Okay.
-Okay.
19:50.119 --> 19:51.240
Thanks.
19:51.640 --> 19:53.240
You probably didn't know this,
19:53.319 --> 19:56.720
but back in high school I had
a major crush on you.
19:58.400 --> 19:59.440
I knew.
19:59.880 --> 20:01.079
You did?
20:02.920 --> 20:05.599
I figured you thought I was
Monica's geeky older brother.
20:06.400 --> 20:07.599
I did.
20:12.759 --> 20:14.599
Listen, do you think...
20:14.680 --> 20:17.960
And try not to let my vulnerability
become any kind of a factor here.
20:20.039 --> 20:23.680
Do you think it would be okay
if I ask you out sometime, maybe?
20:24.960 --> 20:26.640
Yeah.
20:27.160 --> 20:28.319
Maybe.
20:29.359 --> 20:31.039
Okay.
20:35.680 --> 20:37.960
Okay, maybe I will.
20:41.839 --> 20:43.799
-Good night.
-Good night.
20:56.880 --> 20:58.440
See you.
21:00.160 --> 21:02.400
Wait. What's with you?
21:04.680 --> 21:07.160
I just grabbed a spoon.
21:15.079 --> 21:16.400
Can't believe what I'm hearing.
21:16.720 --> 21:18.400
I can't believe
What I'm hearing here
21:18.480 --> 21:20.519
-What? I said you had...
-What? I said you had...
21:21.599 --> 21:24.200
-Would you stop?
-Was I doing it again?
21:24.279 --> 21:25.400
Yes.
21:26.920 --> 21:28.759
Would anybody like more coffee?
21:30.640 --> 21:33.079
Did you make it
or are you just serving it?
21:33.160 --> 21:36.240
-I'm just serving it.
-I'll have a cup of coffee.
21:36.759 --> 21:40.839
Kids, new dream.
I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minnelli.
20794
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