All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E01.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

What are you up to
there, Stewie?

Big birthday party today,
just finishing up my card.

"Happy birthday, gurt"?

Yeah, it's short for "yogurt."

His mom is a doula
and his dad is a doula.

I like the blue truck.

Thanks. It was supposed
to be a fire engine,

but I couldn't find
the red glitter pen.

Well, that's our long-form
tax return done.

I could be wrong, but I think

we're getting
a million dollars back.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I ran out of bleach

halfway through
my mustache treatment today,

so, Peter, I'm gonna need you
to take Stewie

to the bowling alley
for a party.

Hey, Meg, I'm gonna need you
to take Stewie

to the bowling alley
for a party.

I just learned the word
"delegate."

No skin off my sack.
I love the bowling alley.

I'm coming, too.

They got a new claw machine
with a bra in it.

We sure raised
a few fine delegates, huh?

Peter, I don't think you
learned the word "delegate."

I will not be delegated
in my own house.

This is gonna be fun, Stewie.

Yeah, I'm pumped.
Partying's in our blood.

We even had ancestors
at the Boston tea party.

All right,
let's stick it to the british

and throw this tea overboard.

How about this Earl Grey?

Okay, you know what,
let's keep the Earl Grey.

We-we all have to have
breakfast, right?

-Here goes the chamomile.
-No, no, no. You throw that out,

You're throwing
my good night's sleep away.

How about this throat coat
with echinacea?

Okay, you guys
are gonna hate me,

But we're coming up
on cold and flu season.

And I just think
that would be irresponsible.

-Well, what about--
-you know what,
let's just boil some water

And write 'em
a strongly-worded letter.

Here you go, Meg.

You's all in lane six
with gurt's mother.

Everybody wins.
Everybody wins here today.

Gurt, get your hand
out of your pants!

Thanks, Bruce.

Hey, want to put
quesadillas in our mouths

and flip through
a people magazine later?

Oh, I'd love to,
but this is our busiest day.

I got five parties
and that guy over there

insists he can only bowl
like Fred Flintstone.

Dad, you were coming here
the whole time?

I don't have to tell you things
I'm keeping secret from you.

All right, Bruce, I'm up.

Yibba yabba yoo!

Stewie, William, you're up.

Well, well, well, looks like
the new kid got a pity invite.

My name's William.

I've been on six airplanes.

You do sports, William?

You ever get your ass handed
to you, sports-wise?

Not yet, stewie, but if
you throw the ball the way

you threw back that cake,
you should be in good shape.

Hope you got another set
of pins, Bruce,

'cause this one's
about to explode.

Well, call me Norma Rae,

'cause you're about
to see a strike.

I watch a lot of movies
at my grandma's house.

-On three?
-Oops.

Yes! And then there were nine.

It's not fair!

Someone else was using
my lucky dinosaur ramp!

Can't beat
the old strike-a-saurus!

♪ Open the door,
get on the floor ♪

♪ Everybody bowl
that dinosaur. ♪

Are you here for shoes?

Yeah, but I'm not sure
what size I am.

The sizing line's
right over there.

Just put your bare foot
on my stomach

and I can tell you
your shoe size.

I don't know. Next.

Little higher.

I don't know. Next.

That'll do, pig.

That'll do.

Peter, you're up.

Just got to dry my hands first.

Ooh, how embarrassing.

What an unexpected,
sexy turn of events.

So, did you guys know that

Marilyn's real name
was Norma Jean?

-Mm-hmm.
-And if you said hello

to Bernard Schwartz,
you'd be saying--

Saying hello to Tony Curtis.
Yes, we know.

"Better smile
when you say that, pilgrim."

Marion Morrison, aka John Wayne.

Yep, we remember from the list
you emailed us, Joe.

You know, Kennedy's secretary
was named Lincoln,

And Lincoln's secretary
was named Kennedy.

-Kind of makes you think, huh?
-About what?

Secretaries.

Sorry we left such a mess.

-Let me help you with that.
-Thanks, Meg.

Oop, looks like more vomit,

and I done run out
of kitty litter to soak it up.

That's all right, I always
keep a small bag in my purse.

You keep kitty litter
in your purse?

Well, there's not always
a bathroom when I need one.

I don't know how you handle
all these kids every week.

Oh, I don't mind.
I like children.

Always wanted one of my own.

Someone I could raise
a little bit better

than my parents did me.

You'd be a great dad, Bruce.

You should totally have a kid.

I don't know if you knew this,
but it's

anatomically impossible
for a man to get pregnant.

Even Lindsey Graham?

Well, he's certainly giving it
the ol' college try.

But I guess it's just
not in the cards

for Jeffrey and me.

After all, you can't make
a bun without a oven.

Well, I have an oven.

I mean, it may not
close all the way,

and it's definitely not
self-cleaning, but it works.

You should thank
your lucky stars for that.

Well, I don't know
if you've noticed,

but I don't exactly
have a lot of suitors.

It might be
because you's going potty

in your purse all the time.

But at least
you's able to have a baby.

You're right.

I can have a baby.

Mom, dad.

I'm having
Bruce and Jeffrey's baby.

That's wonderful.

What do you say we take this
party to the top of the stairs?

it's not an
abortion, it's an "oopsie."

Meg, there is no way
you are having

Bruce and Jeffrey's baby.
I forbid it.

We agreed no more kids in the
house unless it's young Sheldon.

Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.

It's not what you guys think.

I'm gonna be a surrogate.

But don't you need an egg?

Or-or is that...
Is that a bad question to ask

now that penises and vaginas
mean nothing?

Jeffrey and Bruce
already picked out

an egg donor from a website.

Okay, as your father,

I'd like to say something.

You can just get
hot eggs off the internet?

Wh-what, uh, what, uh,
what, uh, wh-wha-- uh,

wh-wha-what website?

Meg, this is serious.

Pregnancy is not something
you do for money

or to keep a certain
professional athlete interested

after he blocks your number.

You're gonna ruin your life,
and I won't have any part of it.

Well, too bad, 'cause I'm 18
and you can't stop me.

Dang, no more sush for Meg
for nine whole months.

That's honestly what you're
taking away from all this?

Well, yeah.
I'm still getting sush.

Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?

Ma, sush? Chris, sush?

Meg, no sush.
Don't even answer, Meg.

She's like,
"aw, I want sush so bad."

I'm like,
"no, no, Meg, no sush, babe."

Anyway, I'm gonna go out
and get some sush.

I'll be at cvs.

Aw, this is embarrassing.
We wore the same thing.

Let it be noted that I was
the one to change this time.

Anyway, good news.
The fertilization

of the hella-more-attractive egg
was a success.

Brucie, we did it.

I'm gonna dress him
in political t-shirts

he can't even begin
to understand.

Yes, so now we just
have to implant

that very hot embryo
into Meg's body.

-Is this gonna hurt?
-Not at all.

Nurse, wheel
in the implantation cannon.

You guys are gonna
love this thing.

A clown died in there,
but I think we got him all out.

Can someone please go get me
a cup of buffalo sauce

and a hollowed-out pickle
to use as a straw

to suck up the sauce?

Fine, but I'm making you
a grilled cheese.

And not because
I support this pregnancy.

I just enjoy making passive-
aggressive grilled cheeses

for people
and then saying, "here,

here's your freakin'
grilled cheese."

Hey, Meg?

How many farts
you been blasting off today?

We talking bigs and smalls?

Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?

Ah. Well, I am gonna run
out of this room now

and leave a comedically-
shaped hole in the wall.

That was already there

from dad's
drunk driving accident.

Nope! Running from farts!

Man, Meg being pregnant
is almost as bad

as when that other lady
was pregnant.

'Member? The lady
with the loose baked-eggs rack?

-'Member her?
-Peter, that was me.

And no way
was I worse than this.

Well, maybe this'll turn out
better than you think,

like eating edible underwear
in non-sexual situations.

I can't believe you chose this
for your last meal.

Well, I guess
we're both "shocked" today.

Okay, fellas, light me up.

You know what, he's funny.

Now I see why our daughter
got in that van.

Yibba yabba yoo!

Well, maybe you're right.

I'm just glad
this day's finally over.

-Night, Peter.
-Night, Lois.

Mom! Dad!

Just ignore her.

She'll tire herself out.

Dad! Mom!

Please!

Lois. The daughter's crying.

I'm super wide awake

and I want to eat something
really rank.

Lois, did you hear that?

Okay. I guess I got this one.

Papa John,
I'm sorry to bother you,

but my pregnant daughter
asked that I bring her

the worst pizza ever,
and yours is that.

You think we're worse
than lunchables?

-Yes.
-7-eleven?

Look, my friend,
my friend, my friend.

It's late,
we've done our research.

The sauce,
the bread, the toppings,

The way it's cooked,
the people cooking it,

The way it tastes
like the box it comes in.

It's really, really the worst.

I mean, you even make
butter dipping sauce terrible.

Well, do you want the butter
sauce with the pizza or not?

Yeah, no, give me
a bunch of everything.

What do you want, Chris?

-Is it pump time yet?
-Why do you care?

Meg, I'm a member of a very
specific dark web internet site.

Don't try to find it,
you won't be able to.

But this would be
fairly monumental there.

Mom, Chris is being disgusting.

So are you.
We're all disgusting.

That's what family is.

I knew this was a bad idea.

Yeah, marriage blows.

No, I mean meg's pregnancy.

I wish we could
just fast-forward through

The next couple of months
until she gives birth.

And this whole thing blows over.

Well, team, I tried meth.

All right, guys, looks
like I'm really liking meth.

Hey, guys, I need money.

Like, now.
Like, yesterday! Like, now!

Hi, Peter, my name is Marcus.

Your family has written
some letters

They'd like to read to you.

You liars!

Weird easter this year.

Dad, you're back!

Ah, we missed you so much.

Ah, I missed you guys.

Meth was great,
but I guess it's bad.

I don't know, I'm not
really sold on that yet.

We're proud of you, Peter.

Uh, guys?
I think my water just broke.

Oh, right,
I forgot we were doing that.

Well, I see nobody
brought me a doctor gift.

That's fine,
you still have a year.

Meg, I'm just going
to check the contractions.

"Should've, would've, hadn't,

Ma'am, 'twas." Oh, they're
getting closer together.

It's coming! It's coming!

Okay, we're out of gloves,
so I'm gonna catch it.

With this panda express bag.

Are you sure this
is safe?

Oh, yeah,
panda bags are medical-grade.

Just never use a subway bag.

I've had, like, four
go right through.

Uhp, it's in the bag already.

It's a girl.

What's that big
ol' vine coming out?

She looks like one of them
pumpkins in Cinderella.

She...

She's beautiful.

Ooh, that's awful loud.

Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix
cry if I ever heard one.

And it'll be a weird poo,
that first one, trust me.

You-you know
that volcano in Hawaii

where the lava just slowly rolls
through people's yards?

It's like that, only poo.

That does sound like
a lot to deal with.

So, do you clean that up with,
like, kleenex and febreezes?

You know what, why don't
I take the first shift?

Well, it would give us a chance
to finish doo-dadding her room.

And we have to buy every product

of known baby expert
Jessica Alba.

Well, sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.

Thanks, Meg.
We'll text you tomorrow.

Welcome to the world,
little Liza Judy Barbra.

All right, sush time for Meg.

I know you want
some hospital sush.

No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max?

Ma? Diet max? Sush?

Chris? Max? Code red? Sush?

No? Well, I'm getting
some sush and a max.

I'll be at the cafeteria.

Don't get the sush, guys.

Okay, okay, Liza Judy Barbra.

It's time for the bottle because
I forgot to tweeze my nips.

This is getting ridiculous.
It's been three days.

Why haven't Bruce and Jeffrey
picked up their baby?

I don't know.
They're, like, super busy.

Hey, look at the bright side,
Lois.

With that baby around,
you look like

The hottest grandma in town.

The hottest grandma?

The-the hottest grandma?

The hottest grandma!

Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.

The hottest grandma
should be Jennifer Aniston,

But the counting crows guy
wasn't ready to commit.

Poor bastard thought
it was gonna be an endless run.

That was Bruce and Jeffrey.

They're not coming to get Liza
Judy Barbra until tomorrow now.

Ugh. Why not?

Not that you guys care
about this sort of thing,

but Jeffrey wrote
a murder mystery that premieres

tonight at the cracker barrel
in sturbridge.

Oh, no!

Yeah, but
if you's got to go...

I made this a cutaway
so I could see the show.

Peekaboo!

Yeah, yeah, it's
hard to laugh without farting.

Feels like you and me are on the
same page about a lot of stuff.

We work well together,
like the employees at T.J. Maxx.

Hey, where should I put these?

Just throw them on the floor
and step on them.

That's our founder's motto.

T.J. Maxx.
Teach your kids to drive

In our empty parking lot.

Guys, look.

Look at me.
Now that I'm a hot grandma,

i bought one of those
novelty wine glasses

that's big enough to hold
an entire bottle of wine.

Isn't that hilarious?

It's okay.

That was worth it for the joke.

You did good, Lois.

You're building a comedic voice.

Okay. Here we go,
Liza Judy Barbra.

Your first strained peas.

Wow, she is the most memorable

and endearing baby
I've ever seen.

Okay, then.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you...
Are you almost done?

Oh, yeah, no, sorry,
I'm just, I'm doing sets.

-I'm just doing little sets.
-Oh, cool, cool.

-Guys, he's doing little sets.
-Cool, cool.

-Little sets.
-Cool, cool.

Meg, I am so impressed.

Yeah, I had no idea
you could be so maternal.

I always saw you as
a "drive into the lake" mom.

So did I, mom.

But, honestly,
since Liza Judy Barbra was born,

i feel like my life has
purpose for the first time.

Knock-knock.

I know this may be
not a good time,

but we just had
to come see our little angel.

"Had to come see"?

Where have you two been?

Watching Mamma Mia
and making popovers.

What is wrong with you two?

How irresponsible can you be?

I mean, this is your daughter
you abandoned.

Abandoned?
We wanted to come over,

but Meg kept saying
it was a bad time.

Meg, is that true?

This baby needs me.

It's the first living thing
that's ever needed me.

For once, my life has purpose.

And I'm good at this.

Better than these two, anyway.

Maybe she's right.

What businesses
do we have raising a child?

And how's is we supposed
to pay for her school?

With our Tesla
and cashmere money?

I don't think so.

We could dip into
our boozy brunch fund.

Don't you dare.

Oh, listen to me.

I wouldn't know
how to raise a baby.

I'm sure she knows that, too.

Gaga.

Gaga?

Bruce, did you hear that?

She said her first gay icon.

Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Oh, my god,
a second, lesser-known gay icon.

She wants her daddies.

Meg, I'm sorry.

I know we're not perfect,
but no parent is.

And this is our child.

She belongs with us.

But you don't know anything
about raising a child.

No one does.

That's why two out of three
don't turn out right.

But that doesn't mean
you don't try.

Meg, we'll always appreciate
what you've done for us.

And you'll always be a part
of Liza Judy Barbra's life.

Yeah. You'll always be
that slightly creepy teen

who birthed our baby and then
we gradually lost touch with.

You better promise.

-We do.
-We do.

In that case...

...I'll take a chance on you.

♪If you're all alone ♪

♪When the pretty birds
have flown... ♪

-No!
-That can't be the first time
our baby hears Abba.

That's right. It should be
at a jockstrap foam rave

in Miami Beach, same as me.

What? Wait!

But-but I'm the hot grandma!

You're a grandma?

You look amazing!

Oh, you. Come on.

Could a grandma wear this
to a spin class?

I mean, yes, she could,
because I did,

so that happened.

Thank you, Meg.

You've completed our family.

We have our baby
and we have you.

Well, I guess that means

I can get rid
of all my hot grandma merch.

I'll just donate it to goodwill.

You know what "gilf" means,
right?

Yeah. "God, I love fentanyl."

You said it, pal.

Well, Bruce and Jeffrey,
I got to say,

you two have really stepped up

to become
a couple of great dads.

Thank you, Lois.

You sound a bit surprised

which seems right
for a woman with that haircut.

But you're sweet to say so.

Uh-oh.

Someone's being
a little fussy britches.

Oh, she's tired.

You get the lights
and I'll sing her to sleep.

Yeah, that seems about right
for a guy with that haircut.

Thank you, Peter.