Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:13,013
instrumental music
2
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:03,646
We had a busy weekend.
3
00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:06,066
We went to Fire Island.
4
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,568
And there was this whole,
like, lez volleyball tournament,
5
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,653
which was really fun.
6
00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:14,491
So, you know, we were around
a whole slew of lesbians, right?
7
00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:17,577
You know,
everyone's socializing.
8
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:19,245
I'm more of the reserved
person, but I was like, "Ah,
9
00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:20,497
eff it, I'm just--"
10
00:01:20,538 --> 00:01:22,040
-No, she was the mayor.
-No, I was not.
11
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,834
She was the mayor.
She's out there talking like...
12
00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,252
-I was like, "Oh, okay--"
-You know why?
13
00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:28,213
Because I'm very big on the
energy that I get from people.
14
00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:29,506
So when we walk--
15
00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:31,091
It's like, "Oh,
there you are again.
16
00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:33,301
What's she doing all
the way over there?
17
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,928
You're supposed to..."
18
00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,304
We played
the first game, and
19
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:39,432
she's like, "Yeah, the kids
are with my brother's family.
20
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:40,642
They'll be with them.
21
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:42,310
So yeah, they'll be
some lady loving today."
22
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:45,438
And I was like, "Oh,
did I hear correctly, you know?"
23
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,942
I was in the mood, and then it
kind of just died down because I
24
00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:50,944
was really tired.
25
00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:52,153
And I was
like, "Oh, okay."
26
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:54,114
Because it
was one of those days
27
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:56,116
where I overbooked us.
28
00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,743
-Then Sunday she texts me--
-Yeah, I text her.
29
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,412
And I was like,
"I was a little bit..."
30
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,622
I think
I said, "I'm sad."
31
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:03,873
She said,
"I'm saddened."
32
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,875
"I'm saddened because,
you know, I really thought..."
33
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,627
And she's
like, "Well, maybe."
34
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:09,254
-"Maybe."
-"Tomorrow maybe, whatever."
35
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,089
She was like, "I was
really thinking about it."
36
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,632
-And I was like, "Yeah, but--"
-I am.
37
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,259
-I'm easing into it.
-I'd rather it just like...
38
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,136
-I am easing into it.
-Let's just not speak of it.
39
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:17,720
Let's just...
40
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:18,972
I don't want to tell you
because then you're gonna get
41
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,098
your hopes up.
42
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,141
And I tell her,
I'm like, "Listen..."
43
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,267
What's the problem then?
44
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,310
Then you both get a
little excited and then...
45
00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,312
And then it just
kind of happens, yeah.
46
00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:28,565
-So...
-No, I--
47
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:30,900
We just need to get
people out the house.
48
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:33,319
Well, your niece is leaving.
49
00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:34,737
The kids will be in their room.
50
00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:36,281
Yeah, but Ma's
always, like, there.
51
00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:38,491
But she's downstairs.
She's in her room-- her room.
52
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:41,327
Yeah, but I've always fantasized
to, like, have sex everywhere in
53
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:42,996
our house, and we
haven't done that yet.
54
00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:44,330
We have not.
55
00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:45,957
Where it's like, "Okay, I
want to have sex in the kitchen.
56
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,167
I want to have sex
in the living room.
57
00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,168
I want to have
sex in the attic..."
58
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:49,961
We've only done it...
59
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,172
We keep it confined to our room.
60
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:55,341
That's sort of-- that's a
symbol of what you've been
61
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,510
saying from the beginning,
that it's sort of too--
62
00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,220
you've gotten too domesticated.
63
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,264
-Oh, yes.
-Yeah.
64
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,558
And it sounds
like you're becoming more
65
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,685
open to new experiences.
66
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,312
Yes.
67
00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:10,315
So I'm just feeling
that it may happen.
68
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,191
I'm like open to it.
69
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,695
I'm not as closed off as
I was a couple months ago.
70
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,322
I feel like I'm
cheesing right now,
71
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:18,531
like from ear to ear.
72
00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:24,954
instrumental music
73
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:28,208
The next
uptown train is now arriving on
74
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:31,169
the express tracks.
75
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,547
Please stand away from the
platform edge when trains are
76
00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:37,342
entering and
leaving the station.
77
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:55,443
tuning guitar
78
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:20,218
How are the
two of you doing?
79
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,429
I think we're
doing pretty...well.
80
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:25,390
Pretty good, pretty well.
81
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,058
-Mm-hm.
-It's weird.
82
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,271
I feel like we...are...
in a really good place.
83
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,611
I do wonder if...
84
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:42,448
being in a really good
place is just another way
85
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:45,243
of pushing down...
86
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,705
again, like, the stuff that we
don't wanna continue to look at.
87
00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:50,248
Mm-hm.
88
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,625
You know, we've
had these really wonderful
89
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,085
moments together.
90
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,504
We had a lovely
date the other night.
91
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,966
You know, physically, things
have been really very intimate
92
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,802
and...good.
93
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,471
-Good.
94
00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:07,265
Very good.
95
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,017
Um...
96
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,894
But with that
comes this...
97
00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:13,604
I think...
98
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,482
a little bit of like, "Oh,
is this too good to be..."
99
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,819
I think, for me,
I guess, I don't trust or know
100
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:23,656
when I'm gonna feel
fully forgiven by you.
101
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:27,618
I don't know when it's
all gonna come up again.
102
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,912
Right?
Like, I feel like...
103
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,956
when we're in
a really good place,
104
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,751
I wanna get comfortable.
105
00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:38,504
But then I'm not sure
when, all of the sudden,
106
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,841
everything's gonna
be thrown back at me.
107
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:47,847
It seems to me that
you are looking for a...
108
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,350
point...
109
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:54,103
that then we move past.
110
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,355
I'm not looking for a point.
111
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:59,317
I'm just anticipating
that, while we're good now,
112
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:02,528
it doesn't mean we're not gonna
have moments where we're not
113
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:07,367
good, so I'm anticipating
that it's going to bring back,
114
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,328
"I don't trust you," and--
115
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,372
It might.
116
00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:13,873
Right,
so that is not...
117
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:18,378
I'm not interested in doing
that for the next 50 years.
118
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,339
Right.
119
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:25,343
I'm not interested
in hearing about...
120
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,969
all of the things
that I've done wrong.
121
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:30,973
Like, I am not
interested in that being...
122
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,893
what is brought
to the surface
123
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:38,189
every time we are in some
sort of a difficult situation.
124
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:42,151
What needs to happen for you
125
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,571
to have this not be...
126
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:48,408
part of our...
127
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:51,619
present anymore?
128
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,582
Thinking...
129
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:59,585
I might be thinking
too much about the past.
130
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:03,297
What are your
thoughts about the past?
131
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,512
Why are you
shaking your head?
132
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:12,598
Because it's
frustrating, honey.
133
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,976
-What's frustrating?
-He won't...
134
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:17,562
-He won't what?
-He won't...
135
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:20,440
talk about...
136
00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:23,443
But he is talking.
137
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:28,448
You just rolled your eyes.
138
00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:32,368
But this is
typical of us, right?
139
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,370
That you're like,
"I'm ready, here we go,
140
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:35,621
let's get on my timeline.
141
00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:36,414
I'm ready to move on.
142
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,583
I want this healing to happen.
143
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:39,792
What does it take?
144
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,043
Let's do it.
145
00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:43,963
And I won't have to
be responsible for,
146
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,632
you know, about the pain
that you feel, or whatever."
147
00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:47,341
No, that's not it.
148
00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:50,636
It's just that I don't
like being caught off guard.
149
00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:53,264
Right?
Like, I don't know...
150
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,642
But Molly, then my
suggestion to you would be to
151
00:07:56,684 --> 00:08:01,397
create good
conditions for...
152
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,941
talking or...
153
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:07,487
opening up a dialogue.
154
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:12,992
So, like...
155
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:17,788
I guess something that we could
get into is that you have kind
156
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:21,626
of said for a long time that the
decisions you made were about
157
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:24,086
you, and they weren't about me.
158
00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:27,632
And then the other morning
to have you say, basically,
159
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:31,594
some of your choices were
kind of an "eff you" to me,
160
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:36,307
were a way to,
like, get me to react or...
161
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,519
get me to respond...
162
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,855
What was your
reaction hearing that?
163
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:50,238
I kind of felt
included in like a weird...
164
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,490
-Not weird.
-Fucked up way.
165
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:56,536
It feels fucked up that you're,
like, included in my infidelity.
166
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:57,703
That's not weird.
167
00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:01,457
Right, but--
Okay, I guess in my mind I felt
168
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:02,875
like that...
169
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,586
like the kid
who's sitting in the...
170
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,464
in the window by--
totally by myself.
171
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,258
And so that's
where I emotionally was.
172
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:12,218
Like, "Okay, Molly is
not thinking about me.
173
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,804
She's doing these things
and not thinking about me,
174
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,847
and that means she
doesn't care about me."
175
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,641
And that she
will ultimately leave.
176
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:21,477
And that she
ultimately could leave, yeah.
177
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,896
Mm-hm.
178
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:27,275
Yeah, to feel
kind of included was...
179
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:34,282
A different kind of
feeling, which was welcome.
180
00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:35,658
Mm-hm.
181
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,660
It breaks you out of
the narrative that you
182
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:38,661
had as a kid.
183
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:39,954
Yeah.
184
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:43,958
And into this
story and this family.
185
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,627
Yeah.
186
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,298
instrumental music
187
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,549
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
188
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,092
Bye.
189
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,933
When you start your
sessions with the couples,
190
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:03,561
do you deep dive of each of
them individually and their past
191
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,229
history?
192
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:08,566
I start with, like,
their presenting problem,
193
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:12,194
and when something
kind of gives me a cue,
194
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:13,779
then I go there.
195
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:14,447
-Right.
-Mm-hm.
196
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,617
So I was
curious about India and Dale.
197
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,952
I mean, I don't know
enough about their pasts,
198
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:23,456
but I had so many
questions about their histories.
199
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,000
Mm, yeah.
200
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:29,629
I mean, he
was raised by this pastor
201
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,840
grandfather who
was very strict,
202
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:36,427
and he seems to
have, like, you know,
203
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,764
this aversion to anger.
204
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:44,727
So that seems to be getting
in their way as a couple.
205
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:53,194
I know that I have, like,
a very strong, persistent voice.
206
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:54,695
Yeah.
207
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:57,281
But she makes her opinion
known when she's upset.
208
00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,951
Like, there
was an incident...
209
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,745
a few years back.
210
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,581
We went over to
some friends' house,
211
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,501
and they were having a...
212
00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:10,419
It wasn't a
christening, but--
213
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,505
Oh, God, okay.
214
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:14,173
It was a christening.
215
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:17,635
And at this event, India
and another girl got into--
216
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,844
I forgot what
the discussion was--
217
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:19,845
We all were
in a discussion.
218
00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:21,180
Well, yeah, we all
were in a discussion.
219
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,516
-But this particular girl.
-This particular girl.
220
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:25,101
She said something
that was offensive.
221
00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:26,477
She said...
222
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,854
We were talking race
relations in America,
223
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:32,817
and, uh, long story
short, what offset me
224
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:35,444
was she said that
I'm very privileged.
225
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,823
And so, you know, that--
those are fighting words....
226
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:40,866
B, you don't
know me, like--
227
00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:43,077
What was the idea that
you're very privileged...
228
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:46,038
Uh, okay, so we were
talking about Sandra Bland --
229
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,541
the death of Sandra Bland --
230
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:52,378
and then I posed the question,
"Well, why didn't someone bail
231
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:53,921
her out?
Why didn't..."
232
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,923
Or she didn't tap
into her resources.
233
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,883
Right, "Why didn't she
tap into her resources?"
234
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,386
Because she had a
community around her.
235
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,430
And then she
made the point to say, "Well--"
236
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:05,433
"It wasn't that easy-- it might
not've been that easy for her.
237
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,226
You're very
privileged in saying that."
238
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,477
Yeah.
239
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,312
So yeah, I thought
that she was 100 percent wrong.
240
00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:14,483
But I immediately...
241
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,068
I was immediately
the bigger person.
242
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,320
I apologized.
243
00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:19,739
He never lets me live it down.
244
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,365
-He--
-No, first for all--
245
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,744
He always throws it in my face
like I'm this angry person who
246
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:28,539
he says I got into a fight or
argument with someone at a baby
247
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,707
christening...when it's fine.
248
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,500
What is the issue?
249
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:35,254
For years, we would talk about
this situation, and she would
250
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:39,258
find every reason
in the book as to why
251
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,926
I wasn't on her side about it.
252
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,762
I was like, "It's not
about being on the side."
253
00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:47,391
It's, like, we're literally in a
space where we came to bless an
254
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:50,770
environment and we're kind of
disrupting that at this point.
255
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:54,815
His argument was to say that
I was emotionally immature.
256
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:57,109
That's what you
always used to say.
257
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,611
Because you were angry?
258
00:12:58,652 --> 00:13:00,154
Yeah, because I got into an
argument with someone else.
259
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:03,908
What is the issue
with expressing anger?
260
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,701
I just thought that...
261
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,496
that time and place wasn't
really the right time and place
262
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:11,290
to do that, in a space where
we just got together to bless--
263
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,167
We weren't in a church.
We were in someone's home.
264
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,960
Yeah, but they just chose
to have it in their home.
265
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,712
That we are always in--
266
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:18,088
This is when I
interject and I say,
267
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,924
"I am a human being,
that was a human moment."
268
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,426
You're also--
It's really interesting,
269
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,137
because generally
we're talking about
270
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,932
how to stay engaged
271
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:30,142
in a situation of disagreement.
272
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,936
Yes.
273
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:34,772
And part of what you
need in order to stay engaged is
274
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:39,819
you need to stay somewhat tuned
into a certain internal engine
275
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:43,823
that might have
to do with anger,
276
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:47,576
with strong feelings,
with righteousness.
277
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:50,454
And then the conversation
that we're referring back to,
278
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:55,000
I find it really interesting
that it's based on a racially
279
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,962
based murder.
280
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,047
-Mm-hm.
-Of a woman.
281
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:02,132
Mm-hm.
282
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:03,759
Yeah.
283
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,928
So it seems to me that
it has something to do with the
284
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:11,016
legitimacy of a Black woman
staying connected to her anger,
285
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,561
which is a trigger for you.
286
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:16,981
Yeah, every time he
goes to that example,
287
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,607
that is actually the
place that I get to.
288
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:19,775
Yeah.
289
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,151
It's like, "Why are you
still holding that to me?"
290
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,238
As though I can't have a moment.
291
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,656
It's so unfair.
292
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,992
-It's not fair.
-Yeah.
293
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,497
All right, we've run out of
time, but do you-- do you--
294
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:38,502
I would wanna know if it's,
like, culturally saturated,
295
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:39,837
what we're talking about.
296
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,046
-Pretty sure.
-Maybe, yep.
297
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:42,882
Pretty sure.
298
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,633
Mm-hm.
299
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:47,887
I mean, it would be good
if we can work on that here.
300
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,139
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
301
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:55,728
instrumental music
302
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,361
So, hello.
303
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:46,737
Hello.
304
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,113
Thank you for
the book recommendations.
305
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,698
Yeah.
306
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,283
Um, I got one of them.
307
00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:52,743
Which one?
308
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,078
'High Conflict Couple.'
309
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,746
Mm-hm.
310
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:59,124
It's a very short read, but
there's a lot of stuff to do in
311
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,376
there.
312
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:01,877
Are you
both reading?
313
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,420
I asked him
to read and he--
314
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,422
She read me an excerpt.
315
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:08,008
I'll read it when you're done.
316
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,052
Well, the goal is
to read it together,
317
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,679
but anyway.
318
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,264
It kind of made me look at a lot
of the shit that I was bringing
319
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,724
to the table.
320
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,267
But what in particular?
321
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:20,896
I'm still
stuck in that emotion of,
322
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:25,067
"You hurt me, so now I'm angry,
and I'm stuck in anger because I
323
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,069
want to make you feel--"
324
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,487
Anger and retaliation.
325
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:31,490
Anger retaliation, and
that's where that's coming from.
326
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:34,493
But at the same time, what I've
been doing is not helping him
327
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,286
understand where
I'm coming from.
328
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:37,705
Mm-hm.
329
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:40,499
It's hard because, you know,
there's a lot of
330
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:43,627
moments where I look at him,
and I feel bad because I'm like,
331
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,504
"Oh wow, you've
been mean to him."
332
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:48,173
Or you've said bad things,
or you've been just a total
333
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:49,633
asshole, right?"
334
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,136
But how do you undo it.
335
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:54,013
Because a lot of it is
knee-jerk, obviously,
336
00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:56,515
because that's been my
narrative for so long.
337
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,642
I think ever since I was a kid.
338
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:01,020
So what do you do with that?
339
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:02,688
You know?
And--
340
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:07,818
You-- you do a very,
very intense override.
341
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,695
It's hard work.
342
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,364
It's a lot of
shit to work back.
343
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,285
But, I get it.
I get it.
344
00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:19,371
I'm moved by
what you're saying.
345
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,958
Moved with you, it's wonderful.
346
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,129
How are you, Will?
347
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:31,592
Sitting and listening, and...
348
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,386
Not to seem impatient, but I
haven't really seen the results
349
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,890
of that, like, I haven't seen...
350
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,770
much improvement in our
interactions with each other.
351
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:47,566
Like, our daily
interactions are minimum.
352
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,151
Barely there.
353
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:51,570
And I have a
hard time trusting that
354
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:54,073
there's going to be
noticeable changes
355
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:56,075
in our relationship.
356
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,410
And I almost feel
like, you know,
357
00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:02,039
she's working on herself...
358
00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:05,584
to, you know, improve...
359
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:09,755
herself and her ability to
have a relationship with...
360
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:13,050
the next person, not me.
361
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:19,556
Thoughts about that?
362
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:23,060
I'm trying to undo...
363
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,686
some of this-- this crap.
364
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:27,064
I'm trying to be better, and...
365
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,944
I mean, it makes me sad because
I thought he would be on that
366
00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:35,280
same journey with me towards
recognizing our own folly and
367
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,699
bullshit, and
saying, "You know what?
368
00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:41,245
I'm contributing to
what's at play here."
369
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,205
But, you know, to what he
was telling you earlier,
370
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:45,040
it's like, "Well, I feel like
she's getting better for the
371
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,625
next relationship."
372
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:50,671
And quite honestly, if he
continues with stonewalling me
373
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:54,800
and withdrawing, then
yeah, that's where I'm headed.
374
00:18:55,551 --> 00:19:00,597
instrumental music
375
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:10,023
I think that with
Ping it's going better.
376
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,608
We're developing a
language together.
377
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,235
Yeah.
378
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:17,114
But Will has a very
upsetting background with his
379
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:20,409
mother, which he keeps
replaying with Ping.
380
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,077
Right.
381
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,413
I've been on him in
terms of like moving out of that
382
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:27,708
receded position because if
he wants something to change
383
00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:30,252
between them, that's
what he needs to work on.
384
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:35,465
So ideally I'd want to, like,
send Will to some kind of really
385
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:39,344
intensive analytic treatment,
and have them come back after
386
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:42,890
he's done like an
important chapter there.
387
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,558
You know,
we have limited time with these
388
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,312
patients, and we can take them
to an edge, but sometimes only
389
00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:49,271
to that edge.
390
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,940
Yes, exactly.
391
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,151
So what's
the story with Cyn and Yaya?
392
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,320
-They're doing well.
-Great.
393
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:58,906
Yaya, in
our last session,
394
00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:01,158
she made a pretty
dramatic shift.
395
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,492
I mean, she blossomed.
396
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,203
Wow.
397
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:07,372
And the dynamic of their
relationship changed in a way
398
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:09,166
that I didn't anticipate.
399
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,169
That's interesting.
400
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,963
So I feel kind
of hopeful for them.
401
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,883
Yeah.
402
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,391
Friday, we
were alone in the house.
403
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:27,809
Nothing happened.
404
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,228
Nothing happened.
405
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,395
No.
406
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:31,396
What does that mean?
407
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:33,815
We didn't have sex.
408
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:37,194
Okay, but tell me more.
409
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,196
Okay, so...
410
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,406
she came home early.
411
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,076
I was just like,
"All right, it's Friday.
412
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:47,079
Let me just unwind," so then
I started watching a series.
413
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:50,457
She's upstairs the whole
entire time doing the laundry.
414
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:53,418
I was waiting for her to
sit with me on the couch
415
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,587
and watch TV.
416
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,798
And then I went upstairs and
I was using the bathroom, and
417
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:58,340
I called you.
I said, "Come up."
418
00:20:58,340 --> 00:20:59,716
And you were like,
"No, come down."
419
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:00,801
And I was like--
420
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:03,345
I got literally
sucked into the series.
421
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,597
Then, I fall
asleep on the couch.
422
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:09,268
But that's because you were
doing something on the computer.
423
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:12,771
Okay, but regardless we
still did not do anything.
424
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:13,772
I think the end of the day--
425
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,440
So who...
426
00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:19,695
I mean, you both sound avoidant.
427
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:24,616
It's more like,
let's say, it does happen,
428
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,868
and the feeling
is that she'll feel--
429
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:29,454
like, she'll be on cloud nine,
430
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:33,250
but what if I
don't feel that way.
431
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:36,044
You were afraid that
you would not get into it?
432
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:38,297
Or, like,
I just-- I won't--
433
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:41,800
I'd be scared that I
won't feel that connection.
434
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:44,469
Like, I just...
435
00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:47,139
Yaya, what about you?
436
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,349
What were you avoiding?
437
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:50,851
If we
actually were intimate and,
438
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:53,770
like, in the
middle of it, her...
439
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,856
like, being triggered.
440
00:21:55,897 --> 00:21:58,150
That's the only
thing you were scared of?
441
00:21:58,191 --> 00:21:59,776
Really, yeah.
442
00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:01,153
You said "rejection."
443
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:03,071
Well, that
too...the rejection.
444
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,240
Okay.
445
00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:09,286
So how-- how are
the two of you feeling?
446
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:12,497
What do you think is going on?
447
00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:18,295
I honestly
don't know-- I-- I...
448
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,340
What are you
afraid is going on?
449
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:26,511
I'm afraid that she-- we're
going through these motions just
450
00:22:26,553 --> 00:22:29,681
for her to be like, "Look, I...
451
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:33,310
I did everything, and at the
end of the day, like, I still
452
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,313
don't want to be
with you," you know?
453
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,524
Mm-hm.
454
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,778
Where are you, Cyn?
455
00:22:42,819 --> 00:22:46,448
You're trying to say I'm
manipulating the situation.
456
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:48,367
What do you mean?
457
00:22:48,408 --> 00:22:49,785
It's like I've
already made my mind up.
458
00:22:49,826 --> 00:22:51,703
No, I have not.
459
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,206
That's why I'm here.
460
00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:55,582
Like, I...
461
00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:58,627
I don't know.
462
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,545
I'm drained.
463
00:23:00,587 --> 00:23:01,713
Right now.
464
00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:03,340
Yeah, I'm just...
465
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,300
You're in a knot.
466
00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:06,885
What would...
467
00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:08,095
Yeah, I feel like it's a
constant cycle, and we're back
468
00:23:08,136 --> 00:23:10,555
here again.
469
00:23:10,597 --> 00:23:14,226
If this weren't gonna work
out, what's gonna happen?
470
00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:17,437
Life goes on.
471
00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:23,402
Like, yeah, I love you, but you
give yourself a lot of weight.
472
00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:25,487
A lot of power.
473
00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:27,364
Yeah, a lot of power
on how I'm feeling.
474
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:30,242
You're not my whole joy.
475
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:32,577
She turned that
switch back on.
476
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,413
That's what she's
doing right now.
477
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:36,540
She does this
switch where it's like,
478
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:38,750
"Oh, we'll talk
about our feelings,"
479
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:42,170
and then if someone interrupts
then the switch just comes on
480
00:23:42,212 --> 00:23:44,756
and she just-- she just
turns all those emotions off.
481
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:46,758
That's what she's
doing right now.
482
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,926
What am I doing right now?
483
00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:49,386
I'm presently here.
484
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,596
I'm feeling everything
that we're talking about.
485
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,056
And you talk about I'm
turning on a switch.
486
00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:54,433
Would
you really be okay?
487
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:57,811
Yeah, what are you...
488
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:03,608
I just want to interrupt
this for a second, and ask...
489
00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:06,736
how has so much
490
00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:10,282
come to rest on
the sexual relationship?
491
00:24:11,783 --> 00:24:14,369
-I don't know.
-Like, I just want it, like--
492
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,371
Mm-hm.
493
00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:19,166
Just for the pleasure
aspect of it, just for the...
494
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:21,042
I just want it.
495
00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:23,170
You're the one who's
putting weight on it.
496
00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:25,797
Like, "Oh, if I don't feel
like I'm flying in the sky,
497
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:28,675
then that's it for me."
498
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:34,431
What about the
two of you being intimate?
499
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,975
You don't have to
have full on sex.
500
00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:40,312
You don't have to
have, like, you know...
501
00:24:40,353 --> 00:24:42,481
work towards an
orgasm, whatever.
502
00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:47,110
Why don't the two of you try to
demystify the whole connection
503
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:49,821
so we can get a little bit more
of a sense of what's actually
504
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:52,741
going on?
505
00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:56,328
We just haven't done it, so I
just figured that was the issue.
506
00:24:56,369 --> 00:24:57,662
But the haven't
done it, haven't done it,
507
00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:58,830
haven't done it.
508
00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:03,168
It sounds like it's
accumulated a lot of meaning.
509
00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:07,005
Do you feel open to
doing some things?
510
00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:09,466
Yes.
511
00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:12,469
I think you need to
break that barrier, so it stops
512
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:15,514
being like a phobia.
513
00:25:15,555 --> 00:25:16,139
Just do it.
514
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:19,518
-Yeah, just do it.
-Yeah, I get it.
515
00:25:19,809 --> 00:25:23,230
If there was a way
for the two of you to go away,
516
00:25:23,271 --> 00:25:27,692
just the two of you, for a
weekend or something like that?
517
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,027
You highly suggest it.
518
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:31,530
Mm-hm.
519
00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:32,656
This weekend is booked.
520
00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:35,033
The next weekend is booked.
521
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:38,078
It's more of who is
gonna take care of the kids.
522
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:40,497
Figure it out.
523
00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:43,333
This is important.
524
00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:50,674
All right, we have to stop,
so I'm sending you with--
525
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:53,385
-Homework.
-Homework.
526
00:25:53,677 --> 00:25:57,514
Let's break through some of
these phobic boundaries and see
527
00:25:57,556 --> 00:26:00,559
what's going on there.
528
00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:03,311
Okay.
529
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,065
All right.
530
00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:10,110
-Thank you, Orna.
-Thank you.
531
00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:12,487
-Good night.
-Good night.
532
00:26:12,529 --> 00:26:17,576
"Strange
Conversations" by Automatic
533
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:28,587
I'm walking backwards
534
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:32,591
Though I find it hard to tell
535
00:26:34,968 --> 00:26:37,971
The world goes faster
536
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:42,142
When your time is runnning out
537
00:26:44,644 --> 00:26:47,606
I see you leaving
538
00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:51,776
Don't you put me on the shelf
539
00:26:54,154 --> 00:26:57,115
I've lost my patience
540
00:26:58,241 --> 00:27:00,827
All you do is let me down
541
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:07,500
I got out
542
00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:09,294
I go out
543
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:12,172
I go out
544
00:27:12,213 --> 00:27:14,090
On a Tuesday
545
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:16,968
I go out
546
00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:18,762
I go out
547
00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:21,681
I go out
548
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:28,355
I go out
549
00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:31,608
I go out
550
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:36,154
I go out
551
00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:38,198
I go out
552
00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:41,034
I go out
553
00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:45,205
On a Tuesday...
46094
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.