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1
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The 1970s were
an awesome time to be a kid.
2
00:00:04,297 --> 00:00:06,179
It was the Wild West.
3
00:00:06,234 --> 00:00:08,402
Bike helmets hadn't been
invented yet or car seatbelts
4
00:00:08,436 --> 00:00:11,105
or even normal adult supervision.
5
00:00:11,139 --> 00:00:13,107
Dads weren't around
as much as they are now.
6
00:00:13,141 --> 00:00:15,109
And my mom was busy running the house.
7
00:00:15,143 --> 00:00:18,546
She had a lot on her plate
and no time for tomfoolery...
8
00:00:18,580 --> 00:00:19,547
whatever that is.
9
00:00:19,581 --> 00:00:21,148
There were eight of us boys,
10
00:00:21,182 --> 00:00:23,884
including my oldest brother,
just home from college.
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00:00:23,919 --> 00:00:26,487
That's a lot of testosterone
under one roof.
12
00:00:28,782 --> 00:00:32,279
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
13
00:00:32,350 --> 00:00:34,161
Timmy, wipe the crumbs off that
and bring it here.
14
00:00:34,195 --> 00:00:35,796
You think we're made of foil?
15
00:00:35,830 --> 00:00:36,764
Hey!
16
00:00:36,798 --> 00:00:38,354
I've got an important surprise
in the car.
17
00:00:38,409 --> 00:00:40,801
Who wants to help carry it in?
Eddie, Frank, you do.
18
00:00:40,835 --> 00:00:43,170
Like dads since cavemen days...
19
00:00:43,204 --> 00:00:44,972
- Oh, boy.
- ...mine loved the heroic feeling
20
00:00:45,006 --> 00:00:47,271
of bringing something home
intended to make life easier
21
00:00:47,330 --> 00:00:48,263
for his mate.
22
00:00:48,287 --> 00:00:49,910
We are the proud recipients
23
00:00:49,945 --> 00:00:52,090
of our very own dielectric oven.
24
00:00:52,131 --> 00:00:55,033
It heats food using
small wavelength radiation.
25
00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:56,768
- Radiation?
- Micro-waves.
26
00:00:56,802 --> 00:00:58,202
- Over here on the counter.
- On the counter?
27
00:00:58,237 --> 00:00:59,270
Where am I supposed to put the baby
28
00:00:59,304 --> 00:01:00,359
when I'm chopping things?
29
00:01:00,375 --> 00:01:03,010
Right up here on top.
It's a prototype from the plant.
30
00:01:03,044 --> 00:01:04,678
Mr. Crane selected us
to be among the first families
31
00:01:04,713 --> 00:01:06,614
to try it out. Here you go, William.
32
00:01:06,648 --> 00:01:08,048
So we're guinea pigs.
33
00:01:08,083 --> 00:01:10,050
We're pioneers. Like Neil Armstrong.
34
00:01:10,085 --> 00:01:11,785
And just like the astronauts,
35
00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:13,153
we need to log our experiences.
36
00:01:13,188 --> 00:01:15,689
Plus any physical symptoms
that may arise.
37
00:01:15,714 --> 00:01:16,657
Symptoms?
38
00:01:16,691 --> 00:01:18,459
"Dizziness, wounds that won't heal,
39
00:01:18,493 --> 00:01:20,227
blurred vision, impotence,
hallucinations..."
40
00:01:20,261 --> 00:01:22,863
Thank you, but I don't think
I need this.
41
00:01:22,897 --> 00:01:24,328
It'll cut your cooking time in half.
42
00:01:24,392 --> 00:01:26,233
You had a chance to
cut my cooking time in half
43
00:01:26,267 --> 00:01:27,835
- four kids ago.
- You are gonna love it.
44
00:01:27,869 --> 00:01:28,969
Just don't put any metal in it.
45
00:01:29,004 --> 00:01:31,038
- I don't want to put anything in it.
- Why no metal?
46
00:01:31,072 --> 00:01:33,073
Well, the scientific
explanation's complicated,
47
00:01:33,108 --> 00:01:35,142
but the dad explanation is "shut up."
48
00:01:35,176 --> 00:01:37,144
This kind of technology
helps defend America.
49
00:01:37,178 --> 00:01:38,182
Then count me in.
50
00:01:38,207 --> 00:01:39,980
It'll cook a hot dog in 30 seconds.
51
00:01:40,015 --> 00:01:41,980
In a war, our boys will have eaten
52
00:01:42,012 --> 00:01:44,199
and launched their missiles while
the Soviets are still
53
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,941
- boiling their dog water.
- Nice.
54
00:01:48,088 --> 00:01:49,422
That's unbelievable.
55
00:01:51,092 --> 00:01:53,172
I know. I know. I'll make myself scarce.
56
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:55,829
It's okay. Come in. Close the door.
57
00:01:55,864 --> 00:01:58,565
Joey was two years older,
and it was pretty huge
58
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,434
being invited in
on some secret between him
59
00:02:00,468 --> 00:02:02,536
and his ultra-sophisticated
friend Davey.
60
00:02:02,561 --> 00:02:05,764
Hello, Timothy.
61
00:02:07,366 --> 00:02:08,633
What's the skinny?
62
00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:10,001
You know Barbara Eden,
63
00:02:10,035 --> 00:02:11,993
- the genie from "I Dream of Jeannie"?
- Yeah.
64
00:02:12,025 --> 00:02:14,172
Well, Davey's cousin in Maine
called long distance
65
00:02:14,206 --> 00:02:16,207
to tell him to watch
a certain show she's on tonight.
66
00:02:16,242 --> 00:02:17,562
It's on three hours earlier back there
67
00:02:17,587 --> 00:02:19,677
'cause they're all
stupid farmers or something.
68
00:02:20,713 --> 00:02:23,047
Apparently, she's dancing,
69
00:02:23,082 --> 00:02:24,492
and in the middle of it her clothes rip
70
00:02:24,517 --> 00:02:29,154
or something because...
according to Davey's cousin...
71
00:02:29,188 --> 00:02:31,790
you can see everything.
72
00:02:34,026 --> 00:02:35,560
Everything?
73
00:02:35,594 --> 00:02:37,228
Everything.
74
00:02:38,998 --> 00:02:41,132
In the world?
75
00:02:43,269 --> 00:02:45,136
Okay, your brother doesn't
know jack about girls.
76
00:02:45,171 --> 00:02:46,838
I guess not. Let's go.
77
00:02:46,872 --> 00:02:50,241
And just like that,
I was on the outside again.
78
00:02:50,276 --> 00:02:52,243
I didn't figure out
what they meant by "everything"
79
00:02:52,278 --> 00:02:54,212
until it was way too late.
80
00:02:56,081 --> 00:02:58,049
Oh!
81
00:02:58,083 --> 00:03:00,852
Guys!
82
00:03:00,886 --> 00:03:02,253
This will free up all kinds of time
83
00:03:02,288 --> 00:03:03,121
to do the stuff you enjoy...
84
00:03:03,155 --> 00:03:05,056
laundry, sewing, cleaning the house.
85
00:03:05,090 --> 00:03:06,858
You'll be the envy of all your friends.
86
00:03:06,892 --> 00:03:08,226
I'm expected to get friends now, too?
87
00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:09,427
Watch what it does with an egg.
88
00:03:12,064 --> 00:03:13,398
Is that a microwave oven?
89
00:03:13,432 --> 00:03:15,600
See? The whole town's talking about it.
90
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:16,601
Oh.
91
00:03:20,239 --> 00:03:22,173
Oh, Mike, I don't need this.
92
00:03:22,208 --> 00:03:23,241
I promise, if you don't like it
by tomorrow,
93
00:03:23,275 --> 00:03:25,677
you can keep trying.
Eventually, you'll like it.
94
00:03:25,711 --> 00:03:27,445
I didn't realize these were
approved for home use.
95
00:03:27,479 --> 00:03:29,681
They're not. They take up
too much counter space.
96
00:03:29,715 --> 00:03:30,615
Why is the egg shaking?
97
00:03:30,649 --> 00:03:33,351
It's excited
about innovative technology!
98
00:03:35,387 --> 00:03:36,554
Jiminy Christmas!
99
00:03:39,124 --> 00:03:40,291
Outstanding!
100
00:03:40,326 --> 00:03:42,694
Here.
101
00:03:42,728 --> 00:03:43,695
You clean up the egg stuff,
102
00:03:43,729 --> 00:03:45,463
then let's blow up an orange.
103
00:03:47,733 --> 00:03:50,268
Doesn't sound like
Dad's listening to you, Mom.
104
00:03:50,302 --> 00:03:51,436
You know you have a right to be heard.
105
00:03:51,470 --> 00:03:53,238
Look at you, sticking your nose in
106
00:03:53,272 --> 00:03:54,639
between me and your father.
107
00:03:54,673 --> 00:03:56,598
You aiming for a broken home
or a broken jaw?
108
00:03:56,623 --> 00:03:57,834
When you said something to my mom
109
00:03:57,866 --> 00:04:00,087
that she didn't want to hear,
she tended to respond with hostility.
110
00:04:00,112 --> 00:04:01,302
The more hostility,
111
00:04:01,327 --> 00:04:02,814
the more you knew
you were onto something.
112
00:04:02,848 --> 00:04:04,415
I've just been
reading some psychology and...
113
00:04:04,450 --> 00:04:05,917
Okay. I'll stop you right there.
114
00:04:05,951 --> 00:04:07,283
Your dad and I
don't have any psychology.
115
00:04:07,308 --> 00:04:10,488
We were raised in the Depression
and had to do without.
116
00:04:10,522 --> 00:04:12,657
I got this orange
from Mrs. Strausser's tree.
117
00:04:12,691 --> 00:04:15,293
It dropped on our side after
I beat the branch with a rake.
118
00:04:15,327 --> 00:04:17,095
- We also got a new Frisbee.
- Lawrence read a book
119
00:04:17,129 --> 00:04:19,097
and thinks he can
analyze our psychology.
120
00:04:19,131 --> 00:04:21,666
Oh, don't waste your time.
We're 100% normal.
121
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:24,669
Now let's make this fruit ball go boom.
122
00:04:26,138 --> 00:04:28,106
I should really cut down on these.
123
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:30,108
Mm, you know what? Try one of mine.
124
00:04:30,142 --> 00:04:32,277
- They're mild.
- Hmm.
125
00:04:32,311 --> 00:04:34,112
Chicago should be
getting their glimpse of Eden
126
00:04:34,146 --> 00:04:36,180
right about now.
127
00:04:36,215 --> 00:04:39,150
Unlike nowadays when
every aspect of female anatomy
128
00:04:39,184 --> 00:04:40,610
is only a mouse-click away,
129
00:04:40,635 --> 00:04:44,727
in 1972 the level of ignorance
in a house with all boys
130
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:45,766
was staggering.
131
00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:47,158
I know what you guys were talking about.
132
00:04:47,192 --> 00:04:48,860
What show is Barbara Eden
gonna be on tonight?
133
00:04:48,894 --> 00:04:52,130
We can't let you in on this.
It might scar you.
134
00:04:52,164 --> 00:04:53,298
Well, I wanna be scarred.
135
00:04:53,332 --> 00:04:55,700
Tell me.
136
00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:57,869
"The Bob Hope Special," 9:00.
137
00:04:57,903 --> 00:05:00,305
And according to my cousin,
you can see it all.
138
00:05:00,339 --> 00:05:01,673
The whole kit and caboodle.
139
00:05:01,707 --> 00:05:03,174
Both?
140
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,377
Obviously you don't know much,
141
00:05:06,412 --> 00:05:08,095
so let me teach you the basics.
142
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,615
First off, girls' penises
143
00:05:10,649 --> 00:05:12,383
are totally different from ours...
144
00:05:15,530 --> 00:05:17,357
Food's ready!
145
00:05:17,444 --> 00:05:19,623
Possibly. No guarantees.
146
00:05:23,186 --> 00:05:24,920
Look at us!
147
00:05:24,972 --> 00:05:27,189
It's like dinnertime on Apollo 16.
148
00:05:27,262 --> 00:05:28,796
So far, this thing
hasn't saved me one minute.
149
00:05:28,831 --> 00:05:29,916
And every time I turn it on,
150
00:05:29,941 --> 00:05:31,966
the neighborhood dogs
circle the house and bark.
151
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,235
Seriously?
152
00:05:35,671 --> 00:05:37,872
- That is valuable data.
- Yeah.
153
00:05:37,906 --> 00:05:41,542
William, make a note.
Dogs love the microwave.
154
00:05:41,577 --> 00:05:43,544
Get away from our house!
155
00:05:43,579 --> 00:05:45,112
Timmy and I call the TV for tonight.
156
00:05:45,147 --> 00:05:47,949
We got a show we want to watch.
It's... educational.
157
00:05:47,983 --> 00:05:49,917
Sorry, there's a program
I'm looking forward to.
158
00:05:49,952 --> 00:05:51,919
- Mom, no!
- "The Bob Hope Special" is on.
159
00:05:51,954 --> 00:05:52,854
Okay, your house, your rules.
160
00:05:52,888 --> 00:05:54,789
That man helped us win three wars.
161
00:05:54,823 --> 00:05:55,990
If it weren't for Bob, you'd be watching
162
00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,146
"The Ho Chi Minh Show" tonight.
163
00:05:57,201 --> 00:05:58,364
Peg, maybe tomorrow you can
164
00:05:58,420 --> 00:05:59,994
microwave that casserole thing you do,
165
00:06:00,028 --> 00:06:01,285
you know, with the tater-tots,
166
00:06:01,310 --> 00:06:02,630
chipped beef, and the French dressing...
167
00:06:02,664 --> 00:06:04,298
Give away my recipe, why don't you?
168
00:06:04,333 --> 00:06:05,733
No, tomorrow night, we're going to
169
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,802
the Hawaiian Luau Dinner Dance
at the church.
170
00:06:07,836 --> 00:06:09,804
Sorry, Peg. That dinner thing's a no.
171
00:06:09,838 --> 00:06:11,606
I promised the boys I'd take
them to the Dodger game.
172
00:06:12,875 --> 00:06:13,608
It's Bat Night!
173
00:06:13,642 --> 00:06:15,443
I told you about this weeks ago.
174
00:06:15,477 --> 00:06:16,811
Was the TV on?
175
00:06:16,845 --> 00:06:19,447
'Cause if it was, that's on you.
176
00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:20,815
Yeah, well,
bring me a bat from Bat Night
177
00:06:20,849 --> 00:06:22,083
so I can get your attention.
178
00:06:22,117 --> 00:06:23,451
My mom didn't socialize often
179
00:06:23,485 --> 00:06:25,086
because she didn't much like people,
180
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,687
but the occasional dinner out
with my dad
181
00:06:26,722 --> 00:06:28,489
was something she looked forward to.
182
00:06:28,524 --> 00:06:29,957
This pizza's like rubber.
183
00:06:29,992 --> 00:06:32,386
It's better this way.
Makes eating it last longer.
184
00:06:32,411 --> 00:06:33,694
Ow! I burnt my tongue.
185
00:06:33,729 --> 00:06:37,298
Yeah, mine's frozen solid.
Peggy, what did you do wrong?
186
00:06:37,332 --> 00:06:38,503
What I did wrong was let you
187
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,434
bring that crazy food robot
into my home.
188
00:06:40,469 --> 00:06:41,836
All right, tonight after supper,
189
00:06:41,870 --> 00:06:43,471
William and I are gonna
roll up our sleeves
190
00:06:43,505 --> 00:06:45,273
and tackle this thing.
191
00:06:45,307 --> 00:06:47,708
Call your wife.
Tell her you might be home late.
192
00:06:49,144 --> 00:06:51,212
This fish stick is burning my tongue!
193
00:06:51,246 --> 00:06:54,215
Here. Ice it down with this.
194
00:06:54,249 --> 00:06:56,617
All right, William, cream of tomato soup
195
00:06:56,652 --> 00:06:59,887
at two minutes... warm and savory.
196
00:06:59,922 --> 00:07:04,292
Two minutes, four seconds...
Manson crime scene.
197
00:07:05,894 --> 00:07:07,161
"Manson crime scene."
198
00:07:08,997 --> 00:07:11,365
Everything all right
in my kitchen, Mike?
199
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,067
Never better!
200
00:07:13,101 --> 00:07:16,230
Welcome to the Bob
Hope Summer Extravaganza.
201
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,875
You boys seem awfully excited.
202
00:07:20,909 --> 00:07:22,910
It's an extravaganza.
203
00:07:22,945 --> 00:07:25,079
That means there's extra vaganza.
204
00:07:26,348 --> 00:07:27,715
Oh, is it cool if my friend Davey
205
00:07:27,749 --> 00:07:28,983
comes over and watches with us?
206
00:07:29,017 --> 00:07:30,251
Of course Davey's welcome.
207
00:07:30,285 --> 00:07:32,420
I know this is the time of night
his mother gets into her wine.
208
00:07:32,454 --> 00:07:33,554
And when that woman gets started...
209
00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:34,546
Hello, Davey!
210
00:07:34,571 --> 00:07:35,828
Hey. Hi, Mrs. Cleary.
Thanks for having me over.
211
00:07:35,853 --> 00:07:37,562
You mind if I watch this?
My mom's watching something else.
212
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,035
- So she was awake when you left, then?
- Yes.
213
00:07:39,063 --> 00:07:40,018
That's encouraging.
214
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,830
We fixed it so the neighborhood
dogs stop barking.
215
00:07:42,864 --> 00:07:43,831
Who's up for a baked potato?
216
00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:46,000
No one wants a baked potato
at 9:00 at night.
217
00:07:46,034 --> 00:07:47,201
This isn't Europe.
218
00:07:47,235 --> 00:07:49,036
A dessert potato?
219
00:07:49,071 --> 00:07:50,237
Take five minutes to think about it.
220
00:07:50,272 --> 00:07:51,872
The potatoes will be done in two!
221
00:07:51,907 --> 00:07:52,807
Let's light 'em up.
222
00:07:52,841 --> 00:07:55,176
The gang out there
is hollering for taters!
223
00:07:55,210 --> 00:07:56,473
Wow, you're really invested
224
00:07:56,497 --> 00:07:57,411
in that device, Dad.
225
00:07:57,412 --> 00:07:59,046
Oh, it's an honor.
I was the first employee
226
00:07:59,081 --> 00:08:01,248
Mr. Crane asked to test it
after Bob Brogan chickened out
227
00:08:01,283 --> 00:08:02,350
because of the metal plate in his head.
228
00:08:02,384 --> 00:08:05,586
Poor Bob Brogan. A plate
in his head and no microwave.
229
00:08:05,621 --> 00:08:06,587
Hmm.
230
00:08:06,622 --> 00:08:08,094
I've heard of Off-Broadway,
231
00:08:08,119 --> 00:08:10,124
but this is ridiculous.
232
00:08:10,158 --> 00:08:12,266
One year you don't send
a Christmas card to your agent,
233
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:13,227
look where he sends you.
234
00:08:13,252 --> 00:08:14,508
If you boys really don't like this,
235
00:08:14,533 --> 00:08:16,030
I guess we can turn on something else.
236
00:08:16,055 --> 00:08:17,089
- Oh, no!
- No. No, we love it.
237
00:08:17,132 --> 00:08:18,799
It's... We're laughing on the inside.
238
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:21,402
It was quite a trip.
Eight hours for flight
239
00:08:21,436 --> 00:08:22,803
and two days to get your luggage.
240
00:08:25,607 --> 00:08:27,408
- Luggage.
- Yeah.
241
00:08:27,442 --> 00:08:30,811
We'll be right back.
242
00:08:32,614 --> 00:08:34,782
I just mean that
your sense of selfworth is...
243
00:08:34,816 --> 00:08:36,317
is maybe tied to your work.
244
00:08:36,351 --> 00:08:38,219
What's tied to it is my paycheck.
245
00:08:38,253 --> 00:08:39,987
Well, it looks like Mr. Crane's regard
246
00:08:40,022 --> 00:08:41,822
- is really important to you.
- It's because he's my friend.
247
00:08:41,857 --> 00:08:44,158
And what does your friend
Mr. Crane call you?
248
00:08:44,192 --> 00:08:45,960
He calls me "Mike"...
249
00:08:45,994 --> 00:08:47,495
...'cause we're friends.
250
00:08:47,529 --> 00:08:49,330
Aah! Man overboard!
251
00:08:49,364 --> 00:08:50,731
We'll give that one to Davey.
252
00:08:50,766 --> 00:08:51,899
Our next guest comes to us
253
00:08:51,933 --> 00:08:53,901
straight from inside her bottle.
254
00:08:53,935 --> 00:08:55,403
Just like Davey's mom.
255
00:08:55,437 --> 00:08:57,405
Please welcome one dynamite lady,
256
00:08:57,439 --> 00:08:59,140
Miss Barbara Eden.
257
00:08:59,174 --> 00:09:02,429
♪ What goes up got to come down ♪
258
00:09:02,484 --> 00:09:04,412
A tiny delay on the spuds, boys.
259
00:09:04,446 --> 00:09:05,613
- ♪ Spinning wheel got to go 'round ♪
- Peggy, we have any chives?
260
00:09:05,647 --> 00:09:06,814
I'm watching a show.
261
00:09:06,848 --> 00:09:08,983
Well, your kitchen's a mess.
Frankly, I can't find anything.
262
00:09:09,017 --> 00:09:11,619
♪ Talking 'bout your troubles,it's a crying sin ♪
263
00:09:11,653 --> 00:09:15,456
♪ Ride a painted pony,let the spinning wheel spin ♪
264
00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:16,991
We all right with you kids
watching this?
265
00:09:17,025 --> 00:09:20,194
- ♪ Got no money and you got no home ♪
- It's America's Bob Hope.
266
00:09:20,228 --> 00:09:22,196
♪ Spinning wheel ♪
267
00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:23,931
♪ All alone ♪
268
00:09:23,965 --> 00:09:27,935
Oh, for the love of Pete!
269
00:09:31,339 --> 00:09:32,340
What's that?
270
00:09:32,365 --> 00:09:34,375
I tried to heat up some cobbler.
271
00:09:34,409 --> 00:09:36,210
You ruined my best Tupperware.
272
00:09:36,244 --> 00:09:37,945
No, it's an old margarine tub.
273
00:09:37,979 --> 00:09:40,881
Exactly, my best Tupperware.
274
00:09:40,916 --> 00:09:42,850
See what I mean
about the mess in there, Peg?
275
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:47,321
My mom always tried her
best to avoid arguing with my dad,
276
00:09:47,355 --> 00:09:52,159
but she had ways of
expressing herself nonverbally.
277
00:09:53,495 --> 00:09:55,024
Not the best approach
278
00:09:55,048 --> 00:09:56,170
to conflict resolution...
279
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,865
...but better than her first choice...
280
00:09:57,890 --> 00:10:00,192
throwing it at his head.
281
00:10:00,235 --> 00:10:02,236
W-Wait. W-W-What's happening?
282
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:04,171
This happens sometimes.
Wiggle the antennae.
283
00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:08,476
Not up and down. Side to side.
284
00:10:08,510 --> 00:10:10,068
Is that better?
No, it's worse. That's worse.
285
00:10:10,093 --> 00:10:11,645
- Go back to where you were.
- What?!
286
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,756
No, no. Davey, this way,
this way, this way.
287
00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,216
The microwave!
288
00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:16,984
Oh, no.
289
00:10:20,622 --> 00:10:22,590
No! Move it this way! Move it... Yeah!
290
00:10:22,624 --> 00:10:23,591
Yeah!
291
00:10:23,625 --> 00:10:25,059
- Yes!
- Yes!
292
00:10:30,465 --> 00:10:34,025
N-o-o-o-o-o!
293
00:10:35,657 --> 00:10:37,257
Oatmeal, Mike?
294
00:10:37,330 --> 00:10:39,087
Have to warn you,
it'll be 30 seconds longer
295
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:40,665
since we don't have that thing anymore.
296
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:44,469
It's interesting.
You know what I found in here?
297
00:10:44,503 --> 00:10:45,746
Something metal.
298
00:10:45,785 --> 00:10:47,597
- Something metal?
- How could that have happened?
299
00:10:47,637 --> 00:10:49,372
- I don't know.
- Hmm.
300
00:10:49,406 --> 00:10:50,339
But I have a theory.
301
00:10:50,374 --> 00:10:54,643
Me too. What's yours?
We'll see if they match.
302
00:10:54,678 --> 00:10:55,845
Has to be one of the kids.
303
00:10:55,879 --> 00:10:57,680
Bingo.
304
00:10:57,714 --> 00:10:58,948
Probably not Andy, though.
305
00:11:00,751 --> 00:11:03,352
Probably.
306
00:11:03,387 --> 00:11:05,154
Maybe there'll be a rerun?
307
00:11:05,188 --> 00:11:06,856
Not after grown-ups get wind of this.
308
00:11:06,890 --> 00:11:08,691
I heard the camera man got arrested.
309
00:11:08,725 --> 00:11:11,727
If only there was a way
to see something on TV again
310
00:11:11,762 --> 00:11:13,729
after it's already been on.
311
00:11:13,764 --> 00:11:16,165
That technology exists, gentlemen.
312
00:11:16,199 --> 00:11:17,566
My brother was watching
at his friend's last night,
313
00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:19,702
- and he took a picture.
- No way.
314
00:11:19,736 --> 00:11:20,738
Right at the moment of truth.
315
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,939
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
316
00:11:21,964 --> 00:11:23,672
- Be cool.
- Sorry.
317
00:11:23,707 --> 00:11:25,708
Now, listen, if we rush
to the drug store right now,
318
00:11:25,742 --> 00:11:27,510
we get it back in no time. 10 days tops.
319
00:11:27,544 --> 00:11:29,078
No. We go to Fotomat.
320
00:11:29,112 --> 00:11:30,312
For a little extra bread,
321
00:11:30,347 --> 00:11:33,516
you get your pictures in 24 hours.
322
00:11:33,550 --> 00:11:34,550
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
323
00:11:34,584 --> 00:11:37,720
All Cleary boys to the living room! Now!
324
00:11:37,754 --> 00:11:41,357
All right, smartest thing
the guilty party could do
325
00:11:41,391 --> 00:11:44,060
would be confess before
I even bring up the crime.
326
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,661
I did it.
327
00:11:45,695 --> 00:11:47,763
- You did?
- I think so.
328
00:11:47,798 --> 00:11:48,764
Then what did you do?
329
00:11:48,799 --> 00:11:51,767
I don't really know.
I kind of just panicked.
330
00:11:51,802 --> 00:11:55,538
Someone put something metal
in our very important microwave
331
00:11:55,572 --> 00:11:56,672
and broke it.
332
00:11:56,706 --> 00:11:58,441
Oh, no. I didn't do that.
333
00:11:58,475 --> 00:12:00,342
Someone did it.
And we're not leaving this room
334
00:12:00,377 --> 00:12:02,545
until your dad and I
find out who it was.
335
00:12:02,579 --> 00:12:03,679
I'll stay here all night.
336
00:12:03,713 --> 00:12:04,580
Can we watch TV?
337
00:12:04,614 --> 00:12:05,781
Try it.
338
00:12:05,816 --> 00:12:08,217
- Try turning it on.
- I'm good.
339
00:12:08,251 --> 00:12:10,619
- Can I pee?
- Nope.
340
00:12:10,654 --> 00:12:13,022
That microwave
was a technological marvel,
341
00:12:13,056 --> 00:12:14,623
a wonder of modern science,
342
00:12:14,658 --> 00:12:17,226
and then some fiend destroyed it.
343
00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:18,928
Frankly, I'm disgusted.
344
00:12:18,962 --> 00:12:20,563
And since none of you are man enough
345
00:12:20,597 --> 00:12:21,764
to admit to your crime,
346
00:12:21,798 --> 00:12:23,732
the Dodger game tonight is off.
347
00:12:23,767 --> 00:12:25,601
- What?!
- Are you serious? But it's Bat Night!
348
00:12:25,635 --> 00:12:28,237
Oh... I know.
349
00:12:28,271 --> 00:12:31,640
Mike, it doesn't seem right
to punish everyone
350
00:12:31,675 --> 00:12:33,609
because your contraption got ruined
351
00:12:33,643 --> 00:12:35,778
in a mystery we may never solve.
352
00:12:35,812 --> 00:12:37,746
No confession, no Dodgers.
353
00:12:40,016 --> 00:12:41,817
Okay.
354
00:12:41,852 --> 00:12:43,986
Look, um... I'm sorry.
355
00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:46,222
Uh... the truth is...
356
00:12:46,256 --> 00:12:47,790
Instead, your mom and I are gonna go
357
00:12:47,824 --> 00:12:48,791
to that stupid dinner dance.
358
00:12:48,825 --> 00:12:50,559
It's exactly the right call.
359
00:12:50,594 --> 00:12:52,128
You boys will thank us one day.
360
00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:53,796
I'm gonna go pick out a dress.
361
00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:07,706
Hi. I'm here to drop off pictures.
362
00:13:07,768 --> 00:13:09,979
Cool. What's the name?
363
00:13:10,004 --> 00:13:11,665
Jorgellington.
364
00:13:13,016 --> 00:13:15,084
"J," like Jackson.
365
00:13:15,109 --> 00:13:18,111
- Okay.
- "O," like ostrich.
366
00:13:20,957 --> 00:13:23,526
How much more dancing
until we get to sit down?
367
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,529
You're not any worse
than any of the other husbands.
368
00:13:26,563 --> 00:13:28,130
Except for Herb Milbank.
369
00:13:28,165 --> 00:13:31,934
He and Katy took lessons
at Arthur Murray.
370
00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:33,135
What a loser.
371
00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:34,470
Sad, really.
372
00:13:36,873 --> 00:13:38,874
I guess I'm still bugged
about the microwave.
373
00:13:38,909 --> 00:13:41,710
No one has a right
to be more upset than me.
374
00:13:41,745 --> 00:13:44,280
I'm the one who doesn't
get to use it anymore.
375
00:13:44,314 --> 00:13:47,052
Aloha. Ahiahi, Mike and Peggy.
376
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:48,284
Concentrate.
377
00:13:50,921 --> 00:13:53,889
You'd think they'd be embarrassed.
378
00:13:53,924 --> 00:13:56,125
I'm kicking myself now
379
00:13:56,159 --> 00:13:57,693
for not ordering the double prints.
380
00:13:57,727 --> 00:13:59,995
My friend Todd's a good tracer.
381
00:14:00,030 --> 00:14:01,830
He can mock something up
for us pretty quickly.
382
00:14:01,865 --> 00:14:05,301
Hey. A lot of whispering going
on between you two lately.
383
00:14:05,335 --> 00:14:07,069
Anything you'd care to open up about?
384
00:14:07,103 --> 00:14:09,872
What? We weren't whispering.
385
00:14:09,906 --> 00:14:10,940
Guys, can you come in here a minute?
386
00:14:14,344 --> 00:14:15,711
- The Dodgers are on.
- Yeah.
387
00:14:15,745 --> 00:14:18,881
Circle up. It'll just take a second.
388
00:14:18,915 --> 00:14:19,682
I want to rap.
389
00:14:19,716 --> 00:14:21,717
Oh, geez. He's sitting backwards.
390
00:14:21,751 --> 00:14:23,352
Sensing a bad vibe in the house
391
00:14:23,386 --> 00:14:25,721
about what happened to the microwave.
392
00:14:25,755 --> 00:14:28,357
Now, I'm not interested in placing blame
393
00:14:28,391 --> 00:14:29,758
or narcing on anyone...
394
00:14:29,793 --> 00:14:30,926
Then I'm out.
395
00:14:30,961 --> 00:14:33,329
...but I believe that Dad
396
00:14:33,363 --> 00:14:36,932
put a lot of his self-worth
inside that little, metal box.
397
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:40,769
And whoever blew it up,
in a way, also blew up Dad.
398
00:14:40,804 --> 00:14:42,938
And, until he gets closure on this,
399
00:14:42,973 --> 00:14:44,573
it's gonna be really hard for him,
400
00:14:44,608 --> 00:14:46,596
and he's just gonna keep
punishing everybody.
401
00:14:46,631 --> 00:14:48,787
Like you not letting us
watch the Dodger game?
402
00:14:48,812 --> 00:14:52,748
So, if any of us is carrying
around a heavy secret,
403
00:14:52,782 --> 00:14:55,251
I'm here to facilitate
getting it off your chest.
404
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:56,885
I haven't read the whole Bible,
405
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,887
but pretty sure
when you quit the seminary,
406
00:14:58,922 --> 00:15:00,789
you lose your confession license.
407
00:15:00,824 --> 00:15:03,359
Right on. I've said my piece.
408
00:15:03,393 --> 00:15:04,326
Wait a minute.
409
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:07,196
- Yes, William?
- Has it occurred to you that
410
00:15:07,230 --> 00:15:10,599
maybe you're throwing all this
psychology at everybody else
411
00:15:10,634 --> 00:15:13,035
as a way of ignoring your own issues?
412
00:15:13,069 --> 00:15:15,404
What do you... What do you mean?
413
00:15:15,438 --> 00:15:17,573
It seems like since
you gave up the priesthood,
414
00:15:17,607 --> 00:15:19,375
you've lost your sense of identity,
415
00:15:19,409 --> 00:15:20,943
so you started poking at all of us
416
00:15:20,977 --> 00:15:23,579
because it's scary to look at yourself
417
00:15:23,613 --> 00:15:26,738
and realize that
you're not that special anymore.
418
00:15:26,850 --> 00:15:28,879
Do you think maybe
that's what's going on here?
419
00:15:33,923 --> 00:15:36,258
Heavy truths from a tiny man.
420
00:15:36,293 --> 00:15:37,926
You've given me a lot to chew on.
421
00:15:37,961 --> 00:15:39,995
Thanks, buddy.
422
00:15:42,999 --> 00:15:46,969
That was amazing. How did you do that?
423
00:15:47,003 --> 00:15:48,937
I just started talking like him.
424
00:15:48,972 --> 00:15:50,506
I think that's all he wanted.
425
00:15:57,213 --> 00:15:59,815
Don't they ever get tired
of making a spectacle?
426
00:15:59,849 --> 00:16:02,451
Sabotaged by one of my own kids.
427
00:16:02,485 --> 00:16:05,621
Oh, let it go. Try to enjoy your poi.
428
00:16:05,655 --> 00:16:07,189
What kind of monsters are we raising?
429
00:16:07,223 --> 00:16:09,625
They're animals. They eat dirt.
430
00:16:09,659 --> 00:16:12,194
They fall off things.
They save their farts in jars.
431
00:16:12,228 --> 00:16:13,996
Probably put that fork in there
432
00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:16,999
just to see what would happen.
433
00:16:17,033 --> 00:16:18,467
I never said it was a fork.
434
00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:21,837
Sure you did.
435
00:16:21,871 --> 00:16:24,840
All I said was something metal.
436
00:16:24,874 --> 00:16:28,644
No, you said fork. I'm sure you...
437
00:16:30,413 --> 00:16:31,847
All right, I hated that thing.
438
00:16:31,881 --> 00:16:32,848
My God, it was you.
439
00:16:32,882 --> 00:16:34,683
Look, I told you I didn't
want it in my kitchen,
440
00:16:34,718 --> 00:16:37,286
which is my domain,
but you never listen!
441
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,688
You always do things your way,
like you're Frank Sinatra.
442
00:16:39,723 --> 00:16:42,491
You stuck a knife in my back...
with a fork!
443
00:16:42,525 --> 00:16:43,529
I'm a housewife, Mike.
444
00:16:43,554 --> 00:16:46,295
I'm not some space woman
from "Star Trek."
445
00:16:46,329 --> 00:16:48,497
I want to cook normal food
my own way in my own house,
446
00:16:48,531 --> 00:16:50,699
except for the one night a year
when I want to eat out and go dancing
447
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:52,034
because it's our anniversary!
448
00:16:52,068 --> 00:16:53,836
And you wanted to go to Bat Night.
449
00:16:53,870 --> 00:16:56,805
Wait, our... our anniversary.
450
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,173
- Today?
- Mm.
451
00:16:58,208 --> 00:16:59,241
Tonight?
452
00:16:59,275 --> 00:17:01,977
Wh... Why didn't you tell me?
453
00:17:02,011 --> 00:17:03,379
I did, but you never listen.
454
00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:06,081
It was a magnificent
coup de grace by my mother,
455
00:17:06,116 --> 00:17:09,582
particularly because
it wasn't their anniversary.
456
00:17:09,607 --> 00:17:10,786
In a tight spot, my mom was known
457
00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:13,322
to push this button
up to four times a year.
458
00:17:13,356 --> 00:17:16,091
This was unforgivable.
459
00:17:16,126 --> 00:17:18,727
Peg, I...
460
00:17:18,762 --> 00:17:21,330
I am so sorry.
461
00:17:21,364 --> 00:17:23,732
Well...
462
00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:26,335
I'm sorry, too,
463
00:17:26,369 --> 00:17:29,571
for the much less bad thing that I did.
464
00:17:29,606 --> 00:17:32,174
I guess I wasn't listening
to you about the microwave
465
00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:33,575
because I was so excited thinking that
466
00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:34,710
I might be able to help you.
467
00:17:34,744 --> 00:17:37,279
Help me? With what?
468
00:17:37,313 --> 00:17:39,581
I see how you slave for me and the kids.
469
00:17:39,616 --> 00:17:42,017
Shovelling food into us all day
470
00:17:42,051 --> 00:17:44,186
- like it's feeding time at SeaWorld.
- Oh.
471
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,521
I thought maybe that stupid machine
472
00:17:45,555 --> 00:17:47,790
could make things easier,
maybe make you happy.
473
00:17:47,824 --> 00:17:50,192
Oh, hon.
474
00:17:50,226 --> 00:17:52,887
I don't want to be happy.
475
00:17:52,912 --> 00:17:55,814
I like things just the way they are.
476
00:18:00,270 --> 00:18:03,405
I'll do a much better job
listening. I promise.
477
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,407
I'm a big dope,
and I'd be lost without you.
478
00:18:05,442 --> 00:18:09,144
Okay, then.
479
00:18:09,179 --> 00:18:10,979
And I'll try to remember anniversaries.
480
00:18:11,014 --> 00:18:12,781
I guess I could write it down.
481
00:18:12,816 --> 00:18:16,151
Aww, don't worry. I'll remind you.
482
00:18:20,023 --> 00:18:22,391
Guys, wait.
483
00:18:22,425 --> 00:18:24,560
What if the Fotomat guy peeked
and called the authorities?
484
00:18:24,594 --> 00:18:26,462
Lewis is cool.
He's done jobs for me before.
485
00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,063
What if Timmy's right?
486
00:18:28,097 --> 00:18:30,446
Maybe just one of us should go.
487
00:18:38,174 --> 00:18:40,175
Good morning.
488
00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:42,411
The name is Jorgellington.
489
00:18:42,445 --> 00:18:45,080
Here you go. $11.47.
490
00:18:50,286 --> 00:18:52,020
Thank you!
491
00:18:57,694 --> 00:18:59,628
Oh, that was close.
492
00:18:59,662 --> 00:19:00,996
That cop might still be on my tail!
493
00:19:01,030 --> 00:19:02,197
You should lay low for a few days.
494
00:19:02,232 --> 00:19:03,765
I know a safe house in Eagle Rock.
495
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,767
Boring stuff at Davey's place,
496
00:19:05,802 --> 00:19:07,169
your mom asleep on the sofa,
497
00:19:07,203 --> 00:19:10,439
your... mom asleep on the floor.
498
00:19:10,473 --> 00:19:13,642
Oh, my God. There it is.
499
00:19:13,676 --> 00:19:15,444
The legend of Barbara Eden's
"Bob Hope Show"
500
00:19:15,478 --> 00:19:16,945
was one of those great urban myths
501
00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:18,741
which sweep across schoolyards
from time to time.
502
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:21,517
- Let me see it. Joey.
- There was absolutely nothing to see...
503
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:22,595
...but nearly every
504
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:24,152
pre-pubescent boy in America
505
00:19:24,153 --> 00:19:25,320
claimed he had seen it.
506
00:19:25,355 --> 00:19:27,523
- I've never seen anything like it.
- Me neither!
507
00:19:27,557 --> 00:19:28,590
I-I mean...
508
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:34,029
I've seen plenty,
just not one exactly like it.
509
00:19:34,063 --> 00:19:36,465
You can see everything.
510
00:19:36,499 --> 00:19:37,866
Sure, that photo was just a picture
511
00:19:37,901 --> 00:19:39,234
of Davey's brother's thumb,
512
00:19:39,269 --> 00:19:41,236
but it started me and Joey on a path
513
00:19:41,271 --> 00:19:43,238
of raunchy, wonderful boy adventures
514
00:19:43,273 --> 00:19:44,794
all through adolescence and beyond.
515
00:19:44,888 --> 00:19:46,333
Ooh, la, la.
516
00:19:48,077 --> 00:19:49,504
I love you, Barbara Eden.
517
00:19:50,661 --> 00:19:53,169
My dad never gave up
embracing new technology
518
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,036
and trying to make things
better for my mother.
519
00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:56,591
It's called the Strap Vac.
520
00:19:56,646 --> 00:19:57,613
Instead of pushing it,
521
00:19:57,647 --> 00:20:00,142
you carry it on your back
around the house.
522
00:20:00,197 --> 00:20:01,217
Less work.
523
00:20:01,251 --> 00:20:03,786
For who? The vacuum?
524
00:20:03,820 --> 00:20:05,654
And he eventually repaired the microwave
525
00:20:05,689 --> 00:20:06,956
and Mom made her peace with it...
526
00:20:06,990 --> 00:20:08,591
as long as it stayed out in the garage.
527
00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:12,428
Here you go.
528
00:20:12,462 --> 00:20:14,597
Mm! Toasty!
529
00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:16,799
You're the best cook ever, Mom!
530
00:20:19,269 --> 00:20:21,770
It's not even on anymore!
531
00:20:23,673 --> 00:20:26,675
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
39787
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