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Whoo!
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Here we go
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Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
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ANNOUNCER:
The following is a presentation
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00:00:10,695 --> 00:00:11,776
of The Supermarket Channel,
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home of the 2013 Grocery Games.
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NARRATOR: Natesville. Two townsover from Anytown, U.S.A.
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It's the kind of townwhere people still do business
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with a handshake.
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Where every citizen--four-legged or not--
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is treatedwith the same level of respect.
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Natesville has a long historyof not having much history,
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00:00:35,753 --> 00:00:38,154
but that's about to change.
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The 2013 International
Grocery Games
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have been awarded
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to Natesville.
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00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,366
(cheering)
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Finally Natesville will be known
for something other than being
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00:00:51,702 --> 00:00:54,170
the town with that weird hum
no one can track down.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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BARNEY: I'm a bitof a Grocery Games junkie.
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This is a-a poster from
the inaugural Games in 1986.
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When Reagan and Gorbachevfinally sat down face-to-face
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and found a wayfor our two countries
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to challenge each other withoutresorting to nuclear weapons--
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00:01:15,893 --> 00:01:17,727
the Grocery Games.
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And to this day, the Americanteam has never won the Games.
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This year,
that is going to change.
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NARRATOR: Barney and the restof Natesville's confidence
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00:01:27,972 --> 00:01:31,941
is so high because this year,the American squad is stocked
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00:01:31,976 --> 00:01:34,244
with Grade A grocery talent.
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Stacy Finley, can-stacker.
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Danny Bronson, grocery-bagger.
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(starting pistol fires)
Paul Kroll,
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champion cart-wrangler.
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Last but not least, the anchorleg of the competition,
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the event that separatesthe men from the stock boys--
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the deli platter assembly.
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American Brett Sommerstein,ironically
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a vegetarian, is the bestslicer of deli meats
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this country has ever produced.
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00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:05,275
But victory is farfrom guaranteed,
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as this year's Russian teamis as strong as ever.
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Local Natesvillapudlians opentheir hearts and their homes
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to these gladiatorsof the grocery
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00:02:17,621 --> 00:02:20,757
in an unselfish showof sportsmanship and kindness.
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00:02:20,791 --> 00:02:22,992
What'd he bring us? What'de
bring us? What'd he bring us?
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Looks like... a bottle
of turnip vodka,
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00:02:27,198 --> 00:02:30,166
some dried fish
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00:02:30,201 --> 00:02:31,568
and a bunch of socks.
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00:02:31,602 --> 00:02:33,336
Ooh, I need socks.
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00:02:33,371 --> 00:02:35,405
This hosting thing is awesome.
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00:02:35,439 --> 00:02:37,907
I'm so glad we got...
what's-his-face-istan.
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My name is Sergei
Berdimuhamedov,
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and that is my luggage.
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The Russian competitors bondwith their local hosts.
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Oh, hey, cool screen saver.
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00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,488
I'm still sticking
with Flying Toasters.
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00:02:51,522 --> 00:02:54,157
No, no, that's my Internet
girlfriend.
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00:02:54,191 --> 00:02:56,092
Don't worry.
She can't see us.
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00:02:56,127 --> 00:02:59,896
I don't turn the camera on
unless I'm wearing my baby mask.
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00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,965
Well, if you love this horse,
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why do you hide your face?
FRANK: We may hide our faces,
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00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:07,971
but that just makes it easier
to bare our souls.
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00:03:08,005 --> 00:03:09,506
And one time when we were drunk,
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00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:12,976
she showed me one of her boobs,
so I showed her one of mine.
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00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:16,413
Another thing we have
in common: nice cans.
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00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:18,581
And no sooner had thepleasantries been exchanged,
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00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:20,083
when cultural differences
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00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,753
rose to a levelnot seen since Rocky IV.
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00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:27,424
I am Svetlana,
and this is my daughter Dasha.
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Welcome.
Look at these
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00:03:28,893 --> 00:03:31,227
pathetic Americans.
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00:03:31,262 --> 00:03:34,597
Hey.
They are soft like pierogi dough.
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And they are so tiny.
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00:03:37,034 --> 00:03:39,702
We would feed this
to ox and hope
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for strong baby next time.
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00:03:41,739 --> 00:03:44,674
Get the bags, Dasha!
Oh. No, no, no.
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Hey, listen, we can...
help with... (yelps)
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Don't help her!
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We can help with...
(grunts)
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(upbeat dance music playing)
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While some athletes dine in,
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00:03:55,052 --> 00:03:57,086
others are looking forwardto experiencing
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00:03:57,121 --> 00:03:58,822
the American nightlife.
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00:03:58,856 --> 00:04:01,324
Hey, Frank, does this club
at the bowling alley
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00:04:01,358 --> 00:04:03,359
have a dress code?
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WOMAN:
And after he pushed me
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00:04:06,864 --> 00:04:08,331
into the reptile enclosure,
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00:04:08,365 --> 00:04:11,000
I was never able to trust
another man again.
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00:04:11,035 --> 00:04:13,736
Aw, that is, until now.
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00:04:13,771 --> 00:04:15,672
(Frank sneezes)
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00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:17,106
Is there somebody else there
with you?
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00:04:17,141 --> 00:04:18,541
(sneezes)
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An allergic reactionto the Russian cologne,
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00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:24,547
Chernobyl Breeze, sends Frankinto a sneezing fit.
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00:04:24,582 --> 00:04:27,116
Oh, man. Are you okay?
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00:04:27,151 --> 00:04:29,385
I can call 911!
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00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:32,222
(sneezes, gasping)
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00:04:33,591 --> 00:04:35,892
Oh, my God.
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00:04:35,926 --> 00:04:39,162
Horse-head is Shelley?
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00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,397
Hello?
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00:04:41,432 --> 00:04:43,800
Hello? Are you okay?
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00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:45,468
So, I've had sex with horse
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00:04:45,503 --> 00:04:47,470
and I've had sex with woman,
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but I've never had sex
with hybrid horse-woman.
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00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:52,442
(chuckles)
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00:04:52,476 --> 00:04:55,612
While the rest of Natesvilleadapts to their foreign guests,
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Barney Hughes learnsthat Americans
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00:04:57,982 --> 00:04:59,816
can be just as surprising.
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00:04:59,850 --> 00:05:01,150
Hey, guys!
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00:05:01,185 --> 00:05:03,820
You have time for a few pictures
with your biggest fan?
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00:05:03,854 --> 00:05:06,089
(gasps)
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00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:08,892
BRETT: Could you close
the door, Barney?
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00:05:08,926 --> 00:05:11,895
We're busy doping.
Uh, uh...
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00:05:11,929 --> 00:05:14,564
Um... Uh, uh,
you can't use this footage
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00:05:14,598 --> 00:05:16,366
if there's nudity, right?
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00:05:19,670 --> 00:05:22,371
You're just covering this
with a graphic, aren't you?
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00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,896
NARRATOR:
As the sun rises on Natesville,
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00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:33,499
it sets on a disgracedand disqualified American team,
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00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,202
whose doping anticshave left their hopes
122
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:39,305
as shriveledas their testicles.
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00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,479
Just when it appearedthat being from Natesville
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00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:50,183
was going to suck a little bitmore than usual, Barney Hughes
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00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,751
makes a discoverythat could change
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00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,286
the courseof the Grocery Games.
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00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,621
This is kind of interesting.
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00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,724
"If any competitor cannot
partake in the Games,
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00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:01,828
replacements may be chosen by
the manager of the host store."
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00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,496
Emphasis on "kind of."
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00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,132
There are much more
interesting books out there.
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00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,400
Remind me to lend you
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00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:08,901
some Danielle Steel.
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00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:10,803
Sounds like you should get
in touch with the runners-up
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00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,105
from the U.S. championships.
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00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,973
Forget that. You
guys should do it.
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00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,141
(chuckles)
How often
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00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:16,676
do you get
to represent your nation?
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00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,244
On a world stage?
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00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:22,215
On a channel that reaches over
three percent of American TVs?
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00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,050
Oh, but we wouldn't
stand a chance.
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00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:25,485
Yeah, Barney's right.
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00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,820
All right, the Russian team
is made up of professionals.
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00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:29,422
We just do this for a living.
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00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:31,958
Guys. Come on.
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00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,794
This is your chance to shine.
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00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,162
Besides, don't you think
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00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:37,497
it would be nice
for Natesville to be known
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00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:40,299
for something other
than that mysterious hum?
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00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:42,769
Or the kazoo-testing facility?
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00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,437
SABRINA: Actually, I
wasn't really listening.
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00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:47,440
I had a... itch on my neck,
and I was trying to scratch it
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00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:49,442
with the tag on the back of
my shirt by nodding like...
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00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:52,145
JIMMY:
Yeah, I wasn't nodding either.
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00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,479
One of my favorite songs just...
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00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,181
came on in my head,
and I was just
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00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:56,716
bopping along to it.
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00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,417
Get it, get it, get it,
get it, pull my taffy, boys
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00:06:58,452 --> 00:06:59,919
Pull my taffy, boys.
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00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:02,922
Don't you think we need a reason
to hold our heads high?
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00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,524
Besides being the only town
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00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:07,193
in the United States
to surrender to the Japanese
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00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,661
the day after Pearl Harbor?
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00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,029
BARNEY:
Sometimes I think
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00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,531
if I concentrate hard enough,
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00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,900
I can make the clock go faster.
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00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,668
And what about the kids?
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00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:16,936
We could do it for the kids,
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00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:17,937
the future
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00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,038
of Natesville.
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00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:21,374
FRANK:
I looked like I was agreeing,
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00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:24,677
but sometimes when I'm bored,
I pretend I'm a Pez dispenser.
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00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:29,649
We're the town that voted
to make our official bird
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00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,117
the middle finger.
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00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,232
Well, winning this would be
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00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,187
like giving a middle finger
to the world.
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00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,022
BURT: I didn't even hear
what she was saying.
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00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:37,757
It's just when she gets
behind something,
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00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,759
she gets so passionate and hot.
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00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,128
That year she got behind
Ruben Studdard on Idol,
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00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,564
we had so much sexit was crazy.
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00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,399
Aren't you sick
of being laughed at?
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00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:49,235
(woman giggling, man laughing)
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00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,504
NARRATOR: Virginia's speech may
have been falling on deaf ears,
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00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:54,040
but someone else's earswere being filled
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00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,208
with sweet nothings.
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00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,476
MAXIM:
Oh, I feel so sorry
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00:07:57,511 --> 00:08:00,313
for this puny
American cucumber.
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00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,114
It's so small
it could not satisfy
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00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,617
anyone's appetite for anything.
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00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:08,654
In Russia,
cucumbers are much bigger.
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00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,490
I'm not big on
vegetables, so...
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00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:14,060
I hope you're talking
about penises.
194
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,395
Of course was.
(chuckles)
195
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,898
Da.
(chuckles)
196
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,700
So who's in?
197
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,037
I knew it.
198
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:28,074
I knew you were all just nodding
for your own personal reasons.
199
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,010
I'm in.
200
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,178
Just like Rebecca
201
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,180
never gave up
on her ex-husband Paul
202
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,749
in Danielle Steel's
Matters of the Heart,
203
00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:39,018
I'm not giving up on America.
204
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:41,487
Never thought I'd say this...
205
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,457
but Frank here's my guy.
206
00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,459
Who else is with us?
207
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:49,462
Well, after Frank volunteered,
we kind of had to.
208
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:52,765
I mean, he is officially the
laziest guy in the store.
209
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:57,136
Barney does superlatives
in the annual Howdy's yearbook.
210
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,738
At first I was scared
to do this,
211
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,907
but the more I thought
about it, I realized
212
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,376
I don't have a fancy,
glamorous life.
213
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,777
I work in a grocery store.
214
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:07,380
I'm sick of getting my glory
piece by piece.
215
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:10,016
I want my glory whole!
216
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:13,753
NARRATOR: Can this ragtag
group of underdogs
217
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,922
really takeon the Russian superstars?
218
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,823
Find out after these messages.
219
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:19,292
Then at 8:30,
220
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:22,070
stay tunedfor Sample Ladies After Dark.
221
00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:24,430
This week a fat guy gets busted
222
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:27,248
for taking more than his shareof cheese cubes.
223
00:09:30,423 --> 00:09:32,758
With only one day to prepareand half of that
224
00:09:32,792 --> 00:09:34,927
spent buyingmatching sweat suits,
225
00:09:34,961 --> 00:09:37,062
Team U.S.A. embarks on a series
226
00:09:37,096 --> 00:09:40,065
of nontraditionaltraining exercises
227
00:09:40,099 --> 00:09:42,200
set to up-tempo music.
228
00:09:42,235 --> 00:09:44,870
(up-tempo music playing)
229
00:09:44,904 --> 00:09:48,373
(whirring)
230
00:09:48,408 --> 00:09:49,942
(chicken clucking)
231
00:10:04,791 --> 00:10:06,325
Go.
232
00:10:06,359 --> 00:10:07,593
What are you doing?
233
00:10:08,494 --> 00:10:09,761
Use the slicer.
234
00:10:09,796 --> 00:10:11,163
On his deathbed, I shook
235
00:10:11,197 --> 00:10:13,265
my grandfather's thumb-less hand
236
00:10:13,299 --> 00:10:15,000
and promised him
I'd be the first Marolla
237
00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:16,401
to die with ten fingers.
238
00:10:16,436 --> 00:10:19,071
But, Frank, it's gonna take
an hour to fill the platter.
239
00:10:19,105 --> 00:10:20,906
I'll tell you
what I tell the customers:
240
00:10:20,940 --> 00:10:23,609
you can have it fast
or you can have it finger-free.
241
00:10:25,278 --> 00:10:28,246
While the team is busytraining, food lines
242
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:29,748
are forming.
243
00:10:29,782 --> 00:10:31,249
Some citizens of Natesville,
244
00:10:31,284 --> 00:10:33,986
used to a heavy dietof processed lunch meat,
245
00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:35,621
begin to lose their cool.
246
00:10:35,655 --> 00:10:37,623
Who do you got to sleep with
in this place
247
00:10:37,657 --> 00:10:39,891
to get a half a pound
of olive loaf?!
248
00:10:45,164 --> 00:10:47,666
(whirring)
249
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:50,736
Hey, that-that's
a health code v...
250
00:10:50,770 --> 00:10:52,371
(beeping)
251
00:11:00,813 --> 00:11:02,447
He's a natural.
252
00:11:10,523 --> 00:11:13,291
NARRATOR: After being lost
in the darkness for so long,
253
00:11:13,326 --> 00:11:16,294
the team sees a ray of light.
254
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,534
(beep)
255
00:11:24,070 --> 00:11:26,304
Why didn't you tell me
Burt could do all this?
256
00:11:28,708 --> 00:11:30,108
I didn't know.
257
00:11:37,016 --> 00:11:39,017
Wait!
Burt!
258
00:11:39,052 --> 00:11:43,088
Burt, you're the best pure
grocer I've ever seen.
259
00:11:43,122 --> 00:11:44,156
Please join us.
260
00:11:44,190 --> 00:11:45,824
We need you to save our team.
261
00:11:45,858 --> 00:11:47,259
Sorry, Barney.
262
00:11:47,293 --> 00:11:49,594
I don't do things
that make me look foolish.
263
00:12:02,575 --> 00:12:04,409
NARRATOR:
After a brief investigation,
264
00:12:04,444 --> 00:12:05,944
The Supermarket Channelfinds the reason
265
00:12:05,978 --> 00:12:07,379
for Burt's reluctance.
266
00:12:07,413 --> 00:12:10,615
I knew it was only a matter
of time before this came out.
267
00:12:10,650 --> 00:12:12,984
What did you find,
the pictures?
268
00:12:13,019 --> 00:12:15,053
Yeah, I used to workat Howdy's.
269
00:12:15,088 --> 00:12:17,222
I worked therelong before Barney ever did.
270
00:12:17,256 --> 00:12:18,990
It was simple--
hours were good,
271
00:12:19,025 --> 00:12:20,659
beer was easy to steal.
272
00:12:20,693 --> 00:12:23,361
It was all gravy
273
00:12:23,396 --> 00:12:26,064
till Free Balloon Day.
274
00:12:26,099 --> 00:12:29,034
One kid let his balloon
slip away.
275
00:12:29,068 --> 00:12:32,270
The string was hanging there,
just out of reach.
276
00:12:32,305 --> 00:12:34,473
I couldn't stand
to see a kid lose something
277
00:12:34,507 --> 00:12:35,741
he loved so much.
278
00:12:35,775 --> 00:12:38,076
So I pulled a shopping cart over
279
00:12:38,111 --> 00:12:40,412
and climbed on
so I could get it down.
280
00:12:40,446 --> 00:12:42,280
The cart shifted.
281
00:12:42,315 --> 00:12:44,149
(breath quivering)
282
00:12:44,183 --> 00:12:45,584
The cart shifted.
283
00:12:45,618 --> 00:12:48,854
This is Dave Davidson
reporting from Howdy's Market
284
00:12:48,888 --> 00:12:50,756
on Free Balloon Day.
285
00:12:50,790 --> 00:12:53,859
But this day of inflated
expectations has ended
286
00:12:53,893 --> 00:12:56,328
in tragedy
for one unlucky stock boy,
287
00:12:56,362 --> 00:13:00,832
and pure joy for the rest of us
because it is...
288
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,267
(laughter) it's hilarious.
289
00:13:02,301 --> 00:13:03,635
Stop laughing at me.
290
00:13:03,669 --> 00:13:04,836
(laughter)
291
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,705
Stop laughing at me!
292
00:13:06,739 --> 00:13:08,440
(distant):
The cart shifted.
293
00:13:08,474 --> 00:13:10,242
Stop laughing at me!
I'm stuck!
294
00:13:10,276 --> 00:13:11,443
(laughter)
295
00:13:11,477 --> 00:13:13,111
Back to you, Stu.
296
00:13:13,146 --> 00:13:16,548
The firemen had to use
the jaws of life to cut me out.
297
00:13:17,984 --> 00:13:20,619
And it was then
I promised myself,
298
00:13:20,653 --> 00:13:24,156
I would never be laughed at
in a grocery store again.
299
00:13:25,391 --> 00:13:27,959
Never.
300
00:13:27,994 --> 00:13:29,895
NARRATOR:
With little hope of victory,
301
00:13:29,929 --> 00:13:32,898
spirits wereat an all-time low.
302
00:13:34,634 --> 00:13:36,601
Hey, Frank.
303
00:13:36,636 --> 00:13:38,804
You know the front door
of the store is locked?
304
00:13:38,838 --> 00:13:41,439
I was supposed to unlock it.
305
00:13:41,474 --> 00:13:44,142
Yet another job suck at.
306
00:13:45,344 --> 00:13:47,412
Frank, what's wrong?
307
00:13:47,446 --> 00:13:49,147
And can I have that roast beef?
308
00:13:49,182 --> 00:13:51,149
The Russians.
309
00:13:51,184 --> 00:13:52,651
They take your food,
310
00:13:52,685 --> 00:13:54,986
they're gonna take
Barney's trophy,
311
00:13:55,021 --> 00:13:56,454
and they took my Shelley.
312
00:13:56,489 --> 00:13:57,622
You and Shelley are a thing?
313
00:13:57,657 --> 00:14:00,091
It's the age-old romantic story.
314
00:14:00,126 --> 00:14:03,995
Boy wearing baby mask meets girl
wearing horse-head mask.
315
00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:06,097
And then girl's mask comes off,
316
00:14:06,132 --> 00:14:07,666
and boy doesn't have the guts
317
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,468
to tell her
how he really feels about her.
318
00:14:10,503 --> 00:14:12,537
We've all seen it
a million times.
319
00:14:12,572 --> 00:14:15,307
Maybe she'd be happy
if she knew it was you.
320
00:14:15,341 --> 00:14:16,942
Come on, Burt.
321
00:14:16,976 --> 00:14:19,277
The second most beautiful girl
in Natesville
322
00:14:19,312 --> 00:14:21,880
doesn't want the third
hottest guy in Natesville.
323
00:14:21,914 --> 00:14:24,516
It doesn't work that way, man.
324
00:14:24,550 --> 00:14:28,386
If we won the Grocery Games,
maybe I'd have a shot with her.
325
00:14:28,421 --> 00:14:29,654
Maybe your team will win.
326
00:14:29,689 --> 00:14:32,157
Not a chance.
327
00:14:33,359 --> 00:14:34,659
We're gonna lose,
328
00:14:34,694 --> 00:14:37,329
and I'm gonna lose
the one thing I care about.
329
00:14:45,571 --> 00:14:48,874
23. Tighten those butt
cheeks, Sabriner. 24.
330
00:14:48,908 --> 00:14:50,075
I quit.
331
00:14:50,109 --> 00:14:51,243
Oh, my God!
Thank God.
332
00:14:51,277 --> 00:14:52,510
Now I can finally quit, too.
333
00:14:52,545 --> 00:14:55,113
Oh, me, too. No offense, Frank,
but I only did this
334
00:14:55,147 --> 00:14:57,182
because I didn't want
to seem lamer than you.
335
00:14:57,216 --> 00:14:59,484
BURT:
Nobody's quitting.
336
00:14:59,518 --> 00:15:01,353
Oh, crap.
337
00:15:01,387 --> 00:15:02,888
I'm joining the team, and
we're gonna win this thing.
338
00:15:02,922 --> 00:15:04,222
Oh. Thanks, Burt.
339
00:15:04,257 --> 00:15:05,257
I'm not doing it
for you, Barney.
340
00:15:05,291 --> 00:15:06,424
I'm doing it for love.
341
00:15:06,459 --> 00:15:07,659
Oh, sweetie.
342
00:15:07,693 --> 00:15:08,660
Not your love, Virginia.
343
00:15:08,694 --> 00:15:10,428
Frank's love.
344
00:15:14,443 --> 00:15:17,211
Now that Team U.S.A. hadtheir ringer on board,
345
00:15:17,246 --> 00:15:20,481
team captain Barney Hughesdevised a strategy for victory.
346
00:15:20,515 --> 00:15:22,683
We have a competition to win,
and we're gonna do that
347
00:15:22,718 --> 00:15:25,686
by having Burt run
the whole relay by himself.
348
00:15:25,721 --> 00:15:27,021
I'll run the first three legs,
349
00:15:27,055 --> 00:15:28,689
but Frank's pulling up the rear.
350
00:15:28,724 --> 00:15:31,826
Me? No. I'm the
worst one we've got.
351
00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:35,129
(whispering): Look, Shelley
needs to see you as a winner.
352
00:15:35,163 --> 00:15:37,398
But the last leg
is the deli platter,
353
00:15:37,432 --> 00:15:39,333
and I'm horrible at the slicer.
354
00:15:39,368 --> 00:15:41,302
Don't worry. I'll give you
such a huge lead,
355
00:15:41,336 --> 00:15:44,138
you'll have time to win the race
and tell Shelley you love her
356
00:15:44,172 --> 00:15:45,706
before the other team
is even finished.
357
00:15:45,741 --> 00:15:49,110
NARRATOR: What looked like
a Grocery Games disaster
358
00:15:49,144 --> 00:15:51,746
when the American teamwas disqualified
359
00:15:51,780 --> 00:15:54,181
is now set to be oneof the most exciting contests
360
00:15:54,216 --> 00:15:55,716
to date.
361
00:15:55,751 --> 00:15:57,785
(booing)
362
00:16:01,089 --> 00:16:03,190
I'd hit that.
363
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,861
Let the games begin.
364
00:16:06,895 --> 00:16:10,298
NARRATOR: Both teams are playing
for love of their country.
365
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:15,970
But one participant is playingfor the country of love.
366
00:16:21,443 --> 00:16:23,978
(gun chamber clicks, gunshot)
367
00:16:24,012 --> 00:16:25,579
While Sergei usesthe traditional technique
368
00:16:25,614 --> 00:16:29,283
of gathering all five carts,
369
00:16:29,318 --> 00:16:30,785
Burt usesa single-cart strategy
370
00:16:30,819 --> 00:16:33,387
never before seenin competition.
371
00:16:47,602 --> 00:16:50,271
(applause and cheering)
372
00:16:50,305 --> 00:16:52,340
Can-stacking is usuallya tedious event
373
00:16:52,374 --> 00:16:54,241
where individual cans
374
00:16:54,276 --> 00:16:56,977
are removed from casesand placed on a shelf.
375
00:16:57,012 --> 00:16:58,813
They say that by the last case,
376
00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:01,115
each can feels likeit weighs a thousand pounds.
377
00:17:01,149 --> 00:17:02,483
What the hell is he doing?
378
00:17:02,517 --> 00:17:04,218
You told him he has to take the
cans out of the boxes, right?
379
00:17:04,252 --> 00:17:05,786
I tried to, but every time
380
00:17:05,821 --> 00:17:08,689
I said the word "cans," he giggled.
(giggles)
381
00:17:08,724 --> 00:17:10,157
NARRATOR:
But while everyone thought
382
00:17:10,192 --> 00:17:12,960
Burt was leaving the cansin the box,
383
00:17:12,994 --> 00:17:15,596
was actually thinking
outside the box.
384
00:17:17,699 --> 00:17:20,167
(woman gasps)
385
00:17:20,202 --> 00:17:23,504
(applause and cheering)
386
00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:27,174
After shatteringthe world record
387
00:17:27,209 --> 00:17:29,844
in the can-stackingcompetition,
388
00:17:29,878 --> 00:17:33,280
Burt is on his wayto bagging the championship.
389
00:17:39,154 --> 00:17:41,989
As Burt finishes the third legof the relay,
390
00:17:42,023 --> 00:17:46,026
the Russian team has barelybegun stacking cans.
391
00:17:46,061 --> 00:17:47,194
BURT: Go!
(applause)
392
00:17:47,229 --> 00:17:50,097
Go! Go! Go!
Go, Frank!
393
00:17:55,370 --> 00:17:56,670
Oh, good Lord!
394
00:17:56,705 --> 00:17:58,906
Use the slicer, you wimp!
395
00:18:03,612 --> 00:18:07,214
NARRATOR: As Frank meticulously
moves from salami to pressed ham,
396
00:18:07,249 --> 00:18:09,784
his teammates offer wordsof encouragement.
397
00:18:09,818 --> 00:18:11,318
BARNEY:
That's enough ham,
398
00:18:11,353 --> 00:18:13,120
Frank! Cut the cheese!
399
00:18:13,155 --> 00:18:14,355
(giggles)
400
00:18:17,959 --> 00:18:19,994
What's the matter, baby face?
401
00:18:20,028 --> 00:18:22,763
You afraid of big,
bad deli-slicer, huh?
402
00:18:22,798 --> 00:18:23,931
No.
403
00:18:23,965 --> 00:18:25,900
(whirring)
404
00:18:31,807 --> 00:18:34,375
NARRATOR: Overcoming his
fear, Marolla puts his heart
405
00:18:34,409 --> 00:18:37,044
and his fingers on the line.
406
00:18:37,078 --> 00:18:38,379
Marolla's gonna slice!
407
00:18:38,413 --> 00:18:39,680
Marolla's gonna slice!
(gasps)
408
00:18:40,782 --> 00:18:43,384
(whirring)
409
00:19:08,276 --> 00:19:09,443
Yes!
410
00:19:12,781 --> 00:19:15,749
NARRATOR: Facing certain
defeat, Maxim resorts
411
00:19:15,784 --> 00:19:18,686
to an age-oldRussian tactic-- cheating.
412
00:19:22,157 --> 00:19:23,991
(sneezing)
413
00:19:26,962 --> 00:19:29,396
(sneezing)
414
00:19:29,431 --> 00:19:30,731
I knew I'd heard
that sneeze before.
415
00:19:30,765 --> 00:19:32,500
(sneezing)
416
00:19:33,335 --> 00:19:34,435
(sneezing)
417
00:19:34,469 --> 00:19:35,302
Oh!
(gasps)
418
00:19:35,337 --> 00:19:36,770
Hurry, Frank.
419
00:19:36,805 --> 00:19:39,440
He's right behind you!
420
00:19:41,443 --> 00:19:43,143
(sneezing)
421
00:19:44,145 --> 00:19:46,614
(audience groaning and gasping)
422
00:19:47,883 --> 00:19:49,116
(yelling)
423
00:19:49,150 --> 00:19:51,452
(laughter and cheering)
424
00:19:56,458 --> 00:19:58,325
(scattered applause)
425
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,327
BARNEY:
So close.
426
00:20:00,362 --> 00:20:02,363
We were so close.
427
00:20:09,871 --> 00:20:11,839
You're the baby-head?
428
00:20:11,873 --> 00:20:13,841
Yeah.
429
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:16,877
I know you're
probably disappointed.
430
00:20:16,912 --> 00:20:19,013
I was hoping if
we won, maybe...
431
00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:20,447
You son of a bitch.
432
00:20:20,482 --> 00:20:21,782
What's that for?
433
00:20:21,816 --> 00:20:23,217
That's for not
video-chatting with me
434
00:20:23,251 --> 00:20:26,353
when I took off my mask,
and for making me feel ugly.
435
00:20:26,388 --> 00:20:28,355
Ugly?
436
00:20:28,390 --> 00:20:29,990
You're beautiful.
437
00:20:30,025 --> 00:20:32,359
I've always wanted
to ask you out.
438
00:20:32,394 --> 00:20:33,661
I was just...
439
00:20:33,695 --> 00:20:35,462
The thought of it terrified me.
440
00:20:35,497 --> 00:20:38,132
You're like a
deli-slicer with boobs.
441
00:20:38,166 --> 00:20:41,402
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
442
00:20:43,872 --> 00:20:46,507
(sighs)
443
00:20:46,541 --> 00:20:49,510
You guys tried real hard,
and you showed a lot of heart,
444
00:20:49,544 --> 00:20:51,879
but you managed to suck
just enough to lose.
445
00:20:51,913 --> 00:20:53,047
(laughs)
446
00:20:53,081 --> 00:20:55,583
(speaking Russian)
447
00:20:55,617 --> 00:20:57,418
Who do we appreciate?
448
00:20:57,452 --> 00:21:00,654
ALL:
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
449
00:21:00,689 --> 00:21:02,456
Yeah, well, you can take
your crummy cheer
450
00:21:02,490 --> 00:21:05,159
and your stupid trophy and stick
'em where the sun don't shine.
451
00:21:05,193 --> 00:21:07,394
Yeah, and then,
you can put 'em up your butts.
452
00:21:07,429 --> 00:21:08,862
NARRATOR:
And with that,
453
00:21:08,897 --> 00:21:11,365
Team U.S.A.celebrated like champions,
454
00:21:11,399 --> 00:21:15,035
because this is America,home of the moral victory.
455
00:21:15,070 --> 00:21:18,505
I know you and...
Ooh, tempting.
456
00:21:18,540 --> 00:21:19,740
(both laugh)
457
00:21:19,774 --> 00:21:21,208
Mmm.
458
00:21:21,242 --> 00:21:23,429
ANNOUNCER: Coming up nexton The Supermarket Channel,
459
00:21:23,549 --> 00:21:26,041
Tyler Perry's
I Ain't Got No Coupon.
460
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:34,177
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
461
00:21:34,227 --> 00:21:38,777
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35101
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