All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S05E06.720p.HDTV.ReEnc-Max

In the fall of 2009, a new
couple had moved in upstairs.

We hadn't met them yet,
but we could hear them...

all the time.

They were always...
Let's just say they were always

"playing the bagpipes."

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I can't believe those
two are still bagpiping.

I know. It's been six hours.

Must be that tantric bagpipe
that Sting is into.

She keeps yelling out for him
to play the bagpipes harder,

but it sounds like he's
bagpiping her pretty hard.

There's a glass of water in my bedroom
that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.

You have neighbors!

Shut the bagpipes up!

Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou-

.:: La Fabrique ::.

I decided to go to the bar
to get some peace and quiet.

That didn't work out so well.

I hate to have to be
the one to tell you this.

Marshall and Lily
are getting a divorce.

- No, they're not.
- Just listen

to what I witnessed yesterday.

Baby, you mind washing that?

No problem.

I should go.

She makes him wash his dishes
right away, Ted.

I give 'em two,
maybe three weeks tops.

That's not a big deal.

And it's certainly not a big enough deal
for you to be holding my hands.

They're in big trouble.

I see what's going on.
You, my friend,

are suffering
from a little known condition...

"little known" because I just
made it up,

called "New Relationship Smugness".

You and Robin are
in the honeymoon phase.

Everything's perfect.

Every song on the radio's about you.

Every other couple sucks.

Enjoy it.
N.R.S. doesn't last forever.

It does when you're this awesome.

Check it out.
Robin and I have been keeping

a tally of how many beds
we've done it in.

We're up to 83-and-a-half.

A half?

19th century ottoman
in an antique shop.

- What's up?
- Tiger.

How ya holding up?
Do you need a hug?

You want to talk about yesterday?
Safe space.

He thinks Lily
asking you to wash your dishes

right away is a sign your
marriage is crumbling.

What? Why?

Lily likes a clean sink, so I do
the dishes;what's the big deal?

I'll tell you what the big deal is.

You know how I was always
the best at being single?

Now I am the best at relationships.

Even better than you and Lily.

Look at you.
Had a girlfriend for 5 minutes,

You think you can play
with the big boys... adorable. Son,

I've been in a relationship
since you had a ponytail

and were playing Dave Matthews
on your mama's Casio.

I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep.

I can rock a killer foot rub
with one hand

and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile
in the other that would make you weep.

Hell, I've forgotten more
about microwaving

fat-free popcorn and watching
Sandra Bullock movies

than you'll ever know,
but thanks for your concern, rook.

- Let me ask you one question.
- Sure.

Do you mind if there is
a sink full of dirty dishes?

Not really.

Then it's Lily's problem, not yours.

But if I said that to her,
it would only lead to a fight, so...

You fight.
See, Robin and I never fight.

- Of course you do.
- No.

And here's the secret:

every time it looks like
we're about to get into a fight...

Why is there
a bag of panties labeled

"April 2008" in your closet?

So any time you think you might have
a fight, you just get up and leave?

100% effective.

Can't fight if you're not there.
That's what Gandhi taught us.

That's not true.

I can't believe that
Robin puts up with that.

Don't worry. She's got a great way
to avoid fights, too.

Are ties machine washable?

No, they most certainly
are not. Why?

What is in your hand?

My God, what's in your hand?!

Okay, so you walk away.
Robin gets naked.

Those are the two stupidest ways
to handle conflict I've ever heard.

The naked thing ain't bad.

- That felt kind of weird.
- Okay, call me crazy.

But when a problem comes up,
Lily and I actually talk about it.

There are so many great things to do
with the human mouth.

Why waste it on talking?

But if you insist,
here's what I would say

about the dishes
if I were Lily's husband.

Barney, you're home!

Dude!

- Get to the point!
- All right.

Thanks, doll.

Sweetie, are you going to wash that?

I'm glad you bring that up. No.

And here's why.

Lily, I know you don't
like a dirty sink.

But does that make it my job
to keep it clean?

I mean, if one day I look up
at the living room ceiling

and think, "Hey, I'd like a replica
of the Sistine Chapel up there."

Would it be your job to paint it?

No.
Of course not.

Exactly! So, baby,
by the same logic,

if you don't like looking
at a sink full of dishes,

shouldn't it be your job
to clean them?

Thanks for explaining that.
I get so confused.

That's because you're a woman.

- I don't even know why we're laughing!
- Of course you don't.

You're kidding me with this.

Hang on, Ted.
Let's hear the man out.

Once I have her attention,

it's time to bring out the big guns.

Look, I love you.

But, baby, with the little
energy I have left after work,

I want to shower you with love,

not wash some silly dishes.

You're right.
I'll do the dishes.

Right after I do this.

Now turn around.

Firm.

- Are you going to hit him or should I?
- He's right.

No, he's not.
Marshall, look at me.

Do not get drawn into
Barney Stinson's circus tent

of funhouse mirrors
and flawed logic.

This is exactly how you
got the earring back in '03.

- That earring looked cool.
- It did look cool, didn't it?

Stay with me!
Barney is wrong.

No, he isn't.

I hate doing my dishes right away.

- You just said you don't mind!
- I hate it, Ted!

I hate it with a boundless,
burning fury!

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

You're welcome.

Hey, guys.

Good.
There you are.

You'll tell me the truth.
Barney says that you two never fight.

- I guess that's true.
- Told ya.

No way.
I love you both,

but you are the two most
emotionally ill-equipped

individuals in the history
of relationships.

You two must have had
at least one fight.

You know what?
We did.

There was one small dispute

about which one of
us was more awesome.

We just called it
a tie Sand had sex.

Speaking of which, I am so glad
we're going skiing this weekend.

I need a break. The upstairs neighbors
are driving me crazy.

Yeah, it's bad.

- I'm gonna say something to them.
- Thank you.

We all have our assignments
for the weekend.

Ted, you're going to stand up to
your neighbors and you to Lily.

Robin, I'm gonna need you
in sort of a crouched position

on the bear-skin rug
at our ski chalet. Ready?

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

Have fun.

You know?

With his crazy, well-
thought-out theories

that probably would work.

Marshall, I'm just gonna
say this one more time.

- It's a bad idea.
- I think it could work.

Two more times.
It's a bad idea.

Listen, Barney lays out
some logical points

Lily is a reasonable woman.
I think that if I explain it to her,

she'll get it and I'll get my way.

No. She'll get mad,
and you'll get in a huge fight.

- Slap bet?
- Slap bet.

Baby, could you wash your dishes?

Lily, I'm glad
that you bring that up.

Can I stay here tonight?

I'll make up the sofa, buddy.

The ski bunnies are back!

Hey, guys.

- How was your trip?
- So perfect.

We just spent the whole
weekend cuddling by the fire.

No black diamonds,
but a lot of red hearts.

- Okay, I'm gonna go unpack.
- Hey, you.

Man.

What the hell has gotten into you two?
When did you become so nauseating?

Isn't it great
to finally see her fulfilled

emotionally, spiritually
and sexually?

I dated her for a year.

How was your weekend?

Terrible, and it's all
your fault, okay?

I took your stupid advice!

Baby, could you wash your dishes?

Lily, I'm glad
that you bring that up.

And here is why...

So, it's like this, okay?

Sure.

You want me to go ahead
and wash my dish.

But maybe...

I want you...

to paint the ceiling,

right?

Like, maybe I should say...

"I'll wash my dish
if you get up there

"and just...
you paint naked babies on the ceiling."

You know?
It's just like...

I don't know what happened.

I'm a lawyer.

I argue for a living,
but when it comes to Lily,

I just get all... flustered.

How could you not?
I mean, the girl's all eyes and boobs.

What happened to the
"I'm tired after my draining day,

"and I want to use my leftover energy
showering you with love" argument?

I should have written that down.

Look, Lily, I...

I make more money than you.

Excuse me?!

Dance for me.

Dude.

It all made so much sense
when you said it,

but when I said it,
it turned into a fight.

And once Lily and I start fighting,
the fight starts...

to mutate and multiply.

Sure, it started with the dishes,
but then...

So you're saying
that you shouldn't have to wash dishes

because you work harder than me?

That's not what I'm saying...
but it's true.

And then all of sudden,
we're fighting about who works harder.

I teach kindergarten.

I am molding
the future leaders of tomorrow.

You eat cookies and glue stuff.

And soon more fights spin off.

I can't believe
you'd rather be killed...

Until there're more fights going on
than you can keep track of.

If you need to go
in the middle of the night,

either turn the bathroom light on
or sit down.

My mother does not hate you.

She is neutral about you.

I am not scared
of your shining impression.

I just don't need to hear it,
especially at night.

Danny's not here,

Mrs. Torrance.

Please don't do that.

Man, Lily fights dirty.

She's small,

but vicious like a badger
that your brother's caught

and starved for five days
and then put in your sleeping bag.

I should go home and apologize.

What you need is a surge.

Fight harder.

Picture it, Marshall.

Never having to wash another dish
as long as you live,

yet all the dishes are always clean.

Why, this would take all the anxiety
out of snacking.

No more holding open your shirt

to form a makeshift bowl
for your salty treats.

That world is yours, Marshall.

Reach out, take it,

dip it in some ranch dressing,

enjoy.

Yes, right.

Barney's stupid ideas are
what got you into this quagmire.

There's no exit strategy.
Just wash your stupid dishes.

Those dishes are my manhood!

And if I want to leave
my manhood dirty in the sink,

caked with ketchup and pasta...

- What are you eating?
- Then damn it, that's my right!

I'll wash my manhood
when I'm good and ready!

Where was he not sitting?

Barnstormer!

Ro-Ro!

Now you have adorable nicknames?

Seriously,
what's going on with your two?

Nothing.
We're just happy.

It's like Gandhi said

"A smile don't cost nothing, sugar."

I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is.

So, did you talk to our neighbors?

I did. I went up there
ready to set them straight.

They're old?

Really old.

So what did you do?

I didn't have the heart
to tell stop,

because, well, good for them.

So I just welcomed them to the building,
had a hard candy,

nodded politely at some racist comments
and then left.

Over the next couple of days,
Barney and Robin continued to be happier

than ever.

And Marshall and Lily
continued to fight.

I don't care
if the dishes aren't done.

If you care, you do it.

Great.
Then I don't care

if you have an orgasm.

If you care, you do it.

I went 18 years
without the touch of a woman.

I can do it again.

You might have to.

And I continued
to hear more bagpiping

than a St. Patty's Day parade.

I don't know what to do.

Lily and I
have never had a fight this long.

It's like I don't even exist.

On Sunday morning,
she made pancake, Ted.

Pancake and bacon strip.

It's your own fault.

You took relationship advice...
from Barney.

Well,
maybe Barney has it all figured out.

He and Ro-Ro
are the best couple now.

- We have been dethroned.
- You know what?

I'm not buying it. All that cutesy,
lovey-dovey crap, that's not them.

And I know for a fact
that Robin hates nicknames.

Thanks, Robbsy-Wobbsy.

I don't do nicknames.

Finished with the sports page,
Sherbs?

Seriously, stop.

Robin, it's T-Mose.

I don't like them on you either.

Well, she obviously likes them now.

And, come on,

somebody had to put an end
to T-Mose.

T-Mose was awesome.

I'm thinking of bringing it back.

Bagpiping sounds different today.

It's all echo-y.

They're in the bathroom.

I think they're bagpiping
on the shower chair.

And just like that,
I realized exactly

how to get
the real scoop on Barney and Robin.

How are Marshall and Lily?

I worry about those two,
I really do.

You and your big, giant heart.

Enough.
The jig is up.

Whatever do you mean?

Who's this guy?

We'll get to that.

You see, I knew something was wrong.
You two were too happy,

too shiny, too nickname-y.

Didn't add up.

You two never fight?

Horse apples.

You fight all...

the...

time.

How would you know that?

Phil told me.

Who the hell is Phil?

Your downstairs neighbor.

I'm Phil.

12-B.

And he's heard...

everything.

So Phil tells me

that Ro-Ro and the Barnstormer
have been fighting...

a lot.

Care to explain?

Everything was going great.

Our no-fighting techniques
were working perfectly

until we went on that ski trip
last weekend.

So I showed Marshall
that Lily's argument was bananas,

and now he'll never have to wash
another dish.

High two.

That's terrible advice.

You agree with Lily?

You...

We're about to get in a fight,
and I can't run away.

I can't take my clothes off.
It's freezing up here.

I get hypothermia.

Maybe I can jump it?

Maybe just my pants?

This no-fighting thing is over.

I think so.

- How could you possibly agree with her?
- I can't believe that you made Lily...

And it didn't end there.
We've been fighting ever since.

All those fights we kept not having...
they all came back around.

- The bag of panties.
- The tie Robin murdered.

The tiny camera
I found in the headboard.

That's
how a quarterback stays sharp.

Monday morning, he sits on a bag of ice
and studies the game tape.

- Barney, for the millionth time...
- You don't get to be as good as I am...

I knew it! I knew you guys
were acting too cute and perfect!

Look, we were just sick
of everyone pointing out

how crappy at relationships
we both are.

It was sort of nice
to be the perfect couple for a minute.

I knew you were lying.

You got to wake up pretty early
to slip one by the T-Mose.

Stop it.

Dinner's ready.

Did you make any for me?

No, but it's your favorite.

We need your advice.

So Barney and Robin told them
all about their fighting.

And let's just say,
that in comparison,

their little dishes spat
seemed pretty tame.

And by the end,

Lily and Marshall both
had the same reaction.

I'll wash my dishes right away
from now until the day I die.

I don't care
when you wash the dishes.

But if it's with cheese-based
like a nice ziti, at least soak it.

Of course, baby.

I love you.

I love you, too.

See?

How did you just do that?
How'd you just fix everything?

I don't know. I guess sometimes
you just have to set your ego aside.

And remember
that the love that you have

for that other person
is way more important than winning.

More important than winning.

Stop, stop it.

Seriously, what's the secret?

Look, the honeymoon period may be over,
but...

now you can get into the real stuff.

And honestly,

that's the best part.

Good night.

So what do we do now?

I guess we got to start talking more
and get into the real stuff.

Or...

there's a bench in the elevator.

That's better.

So what
if we're not the best couple?

Totally.
It's not a competition.

We win!

Best couple in the world!

Guess what?

These glasses...

are plastic.

So we can just throw them away.

That means
no dirty dishes in the sink.

You're dirty.

Maybe I should leave you
in the sink.

And once
that first argument got worked out,

all those other arguments,

well,

they got better, too.