All language subtitles for Crowded s01e10

(rock music)

Have you ever noticed there
are no female cereal mascots?

How does eating cereal
become a feminist issue?

There's Tony the Tiger; Toucan Sam;
Snap, Crackle, and Pop; Captain Crunch.

What about Fruity
Pebbles? Pebbles is a girl.

Nice try, but Fred and
Barney are on the box.

What do you want from me?

Dad, what are you doing here?

That's a greeting?

No "Hello, Dad, nice to see you"?

Hello, Dad, nice...

Now it's too late.

We've got a hankering for lemonade.

You've always got this
weird bowl full of lemons

just sitting here doing jack squat.

You never use them.

Not once have we tasted a dish in
this house that had a lemon flavor.

Just take 'em.

(phone dings)

Oh, my God, I just got a job
interview at the Weisman Space Center!

- Oh, congratulations, sweetheart.
- Fantastic.

I'll be honest; I never got
this ladies-in-space stuff

until I saw Sandy
Bullock in that "Gravity."

But I think she handled
herself real well.

I've always wanted to work at
the Weisman. I'm so excited!

Oh, no.

I can already feel the sleep
I'm not gonna get tonight.

I should have slept more last night;

but if I'd known, I
wouldn't have slept at all.

What if I screw it up?
Then I'll never sleep.

Knowing you, you'll get the
job, you're gonna do great,

and you're gonna win a Nobel Prize.

I do have my speech ready.

But what if it sounds over-rehearsed?

What if it's too long?

What if they play me off with
that weird Norwegian award music?

The point is, we're taking the
lemons. Come on, Alice. Let's go.

So, viewers, this is my kitchen.

There's my nerdy sister.

There's my giant dad.

- Wave to the camera, Dad.
- No.

Classic Dad.

- Tell me what's happening.
- Stella's got a YouTube channel.

I'm giving Mom an on-camera
makeover for your date tonight.

My fans are very excited.

I took this from Sephora.

You can also buy it, but
that's more expensive.

Oop! Purse spill, BRB.

What's with all the pills?

Just the usual.

Birth control.

Plan B in case I forget
to take my birth control.

Oh, and my actress pills.

I have an antianxiety prescription
to help me with auditions.

Now you have an anxiety problem?

Not after a glass of Pinot
and two of these bad boys.

What is this one?

It's Viagra.

Way to act like you didn't know, Dad.

You dating some super-old guy?

And if you are, can he
marry you and pay your bills?

Lots of young guys take
Viagra as a party drug.

They say it's even more
fun when you don't need it.

Anyway, it's not mine; I'm
holding it for a friend.

Whoa, that's the first time
I've said that and it was true.

Oh, she missed one.

It's an antianxiety pill.

You know, I do have that job interview.

Maybe I should take it
to smooth out my edges.

I don't think taking
floor pills is the answer.

Look, your mother is a therapist.
Why don't you go talk to her?

I'll do that, and I'll
give this back to Stella.

On the one hand, I should be able to

deal with my stress
without taking this pill.

On the other hand,

I just took it.

Uh... ooh... (sighs).

(Exhales)

(rock music)

Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, hey, sweetie!

Come look at my makeover.

Aw, Mom.

You're such a pretty mom.

So, so pretty.

Pretty, pretty Mom.

Wow, thank you, honey.

Dad tells me you're nervous
about your job interview.

Just remember, keep your
shoulders loose; don't turtle.

Aww, turtles.

And don't forget I'm a resource.

Helping anxious people is exactly the
kind of thing I went to school for,

- so people should take advantage of...
- Okay, bye-bye.

Look at you. Stella did a great job.

I know! Some YouTube
commenter named ILoveMILFs...

made a comment so filthy,
it was in violation

of their Terms of Service
policy. Isn't that sweet?

Congratulations.

On a related topic, a
recreational party enhancer

happens to have fallen into my hands.

What did Stella give you?

She didn't give it to me. She
dropped it and I found it. But...

turns out it's not just for old couples
in side-by-side outdoor bathtubs.

But, honey, you don't need it.

I know, but what if
it makes me 22 again?

Mm, to be honest, I remember 22-year-old
Mike as energetic but unschooled.

Because he didn't have the knowledge
and technique of modern-day Mike.

Think about it.

Experienced, thoughtful Mike up here,

22-year-old Mike down below.

Like some kind of mythological beast.

I'm rethinking my opposition.

Good, because I already took it.

(exhales)

Wow.

Wow.

The beast is no longer...

- mythological.
- (sighs)

So why did you insist we go up in
your chopper? What's the big mystery?

Well, I want to talk about something...

something that I'm not
comfortable talking about on Earth.

Plus, this way, if it
gets really awkward,

I can crash into some
rocks and kill us both.

So what is it?

It's just... uh...

have you ever had to ask your doctor

if you were healthy enough for sex?

What the hell kind of relationship
do you think I have with my doctor?

Have you ever needed to chemically
assist your intimate performance?

Just come right out with it or
crash us into those rocks down there.

Your call. I'm good either way.

Do you use Viagra?

No, I don't.

Nice talk. Take us down.

'Cause I tried one just for fun.

I was hoping I could borrow a
couple from you, but never mind.

So was it fun?

- Yeah, it was like I was 22 again.
- Hmm.

Okay, son, I think I
know what you need to do.

Oh, yeah, what is that, Dad?

Get me some.

I'd like to be 22 again.

Big Swinging Bob was
something to be reckoned with.

Wow, so he doesn't need anything.

At his age, impressive.

Please...

please, stop being impressed
by my father's sexual prowess.

Honey, don't be so sensitive.
We took it once for fun.

- You don't need it either.
- Of course not, but it was fun, though.

It made me feel young again.

Made me feel young again too.

Maybe we should do
it just one more time,

relive our youth.

But you'd have to get a prescription.

Not really. Stella's room is like a CVS.

Mike, we shouldn't invade
her privacy like that.

Well, she invaded our privacy
first by moving back in.

We're actually doing a
service for the community.

We're taking drugs off the street.

And putting them in your body.

It's recycling. We're going green.

(gasps)

Oh, my God! Grandma's ring.

Didn't we tell the insurance
company that was stolen?

Well, it technically was... by Stella.

Ah, jackpot.

I knew having kids
would pay off one day.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Um...

- So this is the load-bearing wall.
- Oh!

What are you doing here, Shea?

I was just looking for
one of, uh, Stella's, uh,

antianxiety pills!

Yeah, that's it!

Wait, that is it.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Open the hands.

My anxiety pills.

Let's see it, big guy.

Viagra.

Grandma's ring.

I mean, oh, my God, you
found Grandma's ring!

Score!

Stella, I just needed the pills for
this job interview I have coming up.

There's no way they're gonna
hire anxious, stressed-out Shea.

But mellow Shea has a shot.

Look, honey, you're an adult.

If you want to take those
pills, you can, but...

it's safer to get a
prescription for them.

Wouldn't it be safer for you
guys to get a prescription?

She's got us beat. Let's
make a break for it.

Listen...

You didn't have to steal the pills.

You could have bought them from me.

Look, young lady, we need
to have a talk about drugs...

maybe another time, when we're
not stealing them from you, but...

it's coming.

Hey, we're family.

First taste is free.

Don't be ashamed, Dad. A
lot of older guys need it.

I don't need it. Like you said,

it's a party drug that a
lot of young people use.

Also, I need one for Grandpa.

(sighs)

Well, that was the last pill.

The last pill.

Say good-bye to the beast.

- You're okay with that?
- Yeah, of course.

- Well, okay.
- I mean, things were fine,

and then we had, you
know, the pill experience,

and now we go back to things being fine.

You know what it is, Mike?

It's like that time we got bumped
up from coach to first class.

That was awesome. They
greeted us with champagne.

Yeah, how about that
chilled lobster appetizer?

Oh, it was better than
the food at our wedding.

Yeah.

What was our point, again?

- Oh, yeah, we're going back to coach.
- (sighs)

But in coach, you still
get to where you want to go.

And isn't getting there together,

or within a minute or two of each other,

the whole point of
flying in the first place?

Exactly. We're gonna be great.

We're gonna be better than great.

So you're saying Mike took Viagra
you loved it, but now you're worried.

Yes.

Well, Bob took Viagra, I loved it,
and I ain't complaining about [bleep].

I'm just a little nervous

about how things are gonna go
the next time we're together.

It's like if we hadn't taken the pill,

we wouldn't know what
we've been missing.

So now I wish I could
unknow what I know, you know?

- I'm right there with you.
- Shea!

How long have you been there?

Too long, really.

I couldn't find a good entry into the

"my dad and grandpa are
taking Viagra so they can

give it to my mom and grandma
real good" conversation.

Talk about wanting to
unknow what you know.

Honey, what's going on?

I'm also conflicted about the
morals of pharmaceutical enhancement.

I have a pill that
might help me get a job,

but if I get that job, did I get it,

or did some chemically
aided version of me get it?

And how can I feel good about that?

That's not a rhetorical question;

tell me how I can feel good about
it, because I really want that job.

You guys, crisis.

I promised myself I wouldn't read
the comments on my YouTube channel,

and then I did, and now
I just wish I hadn't.

I know haters gonna hate, and I
know I'm supposed to shake it off.

But how? How? She doesn't tell you how!

Okay, that's it!

You, either like the sex
you have or get the pills.

You, either trust that they'll like
the person you are or take the pills.

And you, I can't believe you're
the one whose problem isn't pills.

(rock music)

I'm beginning to like this new system.

I feel like I can say anything up here.

Like, damn it, I'm gonna
miss "Downton Abbey."

Even that stuff with Mr. Bates?

I didn't say it was
a perfect show, Mike!

Anyway, I want to thank
you for giving me that pill.

The thing is, I... I'd like some more.

Sorry, but my source dried up.

You don't understand,
Mike. I can't go back.

Alice is a new woman.

This morning, she made me real bacon.

Real bacon, Mike, not
that turkey [bleep].

- I'd love to help you, Dad...
- I need it, Mike!

I need it bad! I'm
chasing the dragon here!

Settle down, Dad!

Neither of us was using
before, and things were good.

You're not nervous about
going into battle unarmed?

Because I am!

I don't want Alice to give me that
"don't worry, it's fine" speech.

I hate the "don't
worry, it's fine" speech.

I was there. I know things weren't fine.

Look, the bottom line is,
I don't have any more pills.

You got to get a
prescription from your doctor.

My doctor? I'm not telling
that handsy bastard about this.

Well, that's your only option.
They're about $10 a pill.

$10?

I haven't paid that much
for sex since Saigon.

And I had to talk her down.

What?

You always ask me to talk about
the war; I'm talking about it.

- Look, Mike...
- I don't need a recap.

I know that was coach sex.

Don't worry. It's fine.

(moans)

Oh, come... we're just...

We're just putting too
much pressure on ourselves.

We just have to get out of
our heads. Let's watch some TV.

Mm-hm, Mets are playing.

And it's a swing and a miss for Johnson.

Oh, what a letdown. Usually,
he's one of the team's big bats.

He cannot feel good about
tonight's performance.

Too soon.

Well, so it's come to this:
I'm in the parking garage

of a doctor's office, waiting
to get a prescription for Viagra.

I mean, what's next? Hearing aids?

That little chair that
rides up and down the stairs?

Ooh, I've always wanted one of those.

They do look like fun, huh?

You know, from now on when they
ask what prescriptions I take,

I'm gonna have to list this.

I'm gonna have to put it
on forms, Martina. Forms!

Okay, let's try to chill
out. Take some deep breaths.

Listen to some music.

Um, I'll put on a relaxation CD.

But not that whale songs
one. It makes me sad.

They all sound like they need my help.

Vodka? What's vodka doing in the car?

(both) Stella.

We did something right with that one.

- I wouldn't mind a shot.
- Me neither.

We take her pills; we might
as well drink her booze.

I seem to recall Stella was conceived
in a car not unlike this one.

I kept honking the horn
by accident with my back.

That was an accident? I thought
you were saying, "Good job."

Remember that?

Having sex in cars?

It was all so new and
exciting and crazy.

Long time ago.

Doesn't feel that long ago.

You are just as beautiful
as the day I met you.

More beautiful, I would say.

And you, still so strong and handsome.

Look at these things.
They're like granite.

Keep talking.

Or...

maybe we should stop talking.

-

Hey, here's an idea.

Well, I loved your
last one. I'm all ears.

Let's get out of here.

We don't need those
pills. We got a backseat.

You know what? You're right.

This will be my new pickup line.

- (car beeps)
- (laughs)

Look, Dad, Mom's makeover
video already has 80,000 views.

And you can make money off that?

Even better, I get exposure.

And how does that lead
to your own apartment?

(laughs) Dad, you're so funny.

Could not have been more serious.

All right, I have got
champagne and tissues for Shea.

Champagne if she got the job.

Tissues and champagne if she didn't.

Hey, did you get the job?

I did.

- Hey!
- Yay!

But then I lost it.

- Oh.
- Aww.

What happened, honey?

Thanks to the antianxiety pills,
I was relaxed, calm, confident,

but then they told me all new employees
are required to take a drug test,

at which point I ran out of the
room abruptly and came right home.

I don't think they test
for antianxiety medication.

I know that now.

But I don't think they're going to hire
the person who squealed and ran away

when she heard the words "drug test."

Did I not mention I squealed?

Rookie mistake. You
always bring clean pee.

And I could have gotten you some.

Oh, wait, I get mine from you.

How did I not know that?

How do I unknow that?

Mike!

We need to talk.

Okay, we've reached speaking altitude.

I wanted you to know I caved
in and got a prescription...

not from my doctor but
from some queer downtown.

Dad, I don't know if we're
at homophobic altitude.

What? That's how he identifies.

He thought "bisexual" was constrictive.
I'm trying to be respectful here.

Look, if you need a
pill, I'll give you one.

Well, thanks, but I'm off them;
I'm clean. What changed your mind?

Well, I figure I'll take
one every now and again

when I want real bacon in the morning.

Hey, let's face it; I
take pills for my heart,

and I like my johnson a
lot more than my ticker.

Better land this thing safely.

I do not want those to be the
last words you ever say to me.

Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com

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