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1
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[ Crickets chirping ]
2
00:00:02,661 --> 00:00:07,330
[ Sneaky music playing ]
3
00:00:07,366 --> 00:00:08,765
[ Lowered voice ] All clear?
4
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,433
[ Lowered voice ] On my signal.
5
00:00:10,469 --> 00:00:12,535
Go, go, go! We gotta
get out before Hayley --
6
00:00:12,587 --> 00:00:13,837
Dad?
[ Normal voice ] Hayley's home!
7
00:00:13,872 --> 00:00:15,839
[ Switch clicks ] Hey, girl!
8
00:00:15,874 --> 00:00:18,308
What's going on?
Nothing or whatever.
9
00:00:18,343 --> 00:00:21,745
Wait a minute. Dad's wearing
his special eating pants,
10
00:00:21,780 --> 00:00:24,447
and mom's got Tupperware labeled
"Cheesecake Warehouse."
11
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:27,217
[ Gasps ] You're going
to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
12
00:00:27,252 --> 00:00:29,719
Ugh. Now I suppose everybody
has to listen to a thing.
13
00:00:29,755 --> 00:00:31,721
Did you know
the Cheesecake Warehouse
14
00:00:31,757 --> 00:00:33,223
makes $2 billion a year
15
00:00:33,258 --> 00:00:34,758
while their employees
make minimum wage?
16
00:00:34,793 --> 00:00:36,043
It's not fair!
17
00:00:36,163 --> 00:00:39,396
Hayley, let me break this down
like the great Vanessa Williams
18
00:00:39,431 --> 00:00:40,964
in "a diva's Christmas Carol."
19
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,901
Don't be so serious,
there must be some mistake
20
00:00:44,903 --> 00:00:49,656
am I delirious
or do you want a cheesecake?
21
00:00:49,708 --> 00:00:52,909
The Cheesecake Warehouse is
the leading cause of diabetes
22
00:00:52,944 --> 00:00:54,310
in the state of Virginia.
23
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:55,545
[ All groan ]
24
00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:57,480
Hayley, you're always
ranting --
25
00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,016
"This isn't fair,
that isn't fair,
26
00:01:00,051 --> 00:01:01,785
"children don't belong
in factories,
27
00:01:01,820 --> 00:01:04,421
I shouldn't print out
all my e-mails."
28
00:01:04,456 --> 00:01:06,022
[ Scoffs ] You're such a downer.
29
00:01:06,057 --> 00:01:08,525
Being opinionated
doesn't make me a downer.
30
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,759
Tell 'em, Jeff.
31
00:01:09,795 --> 00:01:11,327
Well...
32
00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:13,029
I can't believe this.
33
00:01:13,064 --> 00:01:15,298
I'm used to hearing it
from them, but...
34
00:01:15,333 --> 00:01:17,434
It's not you. It's just...
35
00:01:17,469 --> 00:01:20,870
You kinda have a frowny face,
which can put people off.
36
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:23,039
If you just did this...
37
00:01:23,074 --> 00:01:24,741
That's what I'm --
38
00:01:24,776 --> 00:01:25,942
Hayley's back.
39
00:01:25,977 --> 00:01:27,577
It's just how I look, okay?
40
00:01:27,612 --> 00:01:29,712
Actually, that's not true.
41
00:01:29,748 --> 00:01:31,981
You were the happiest
little 6-year-old.
42
00:01:32,017 --> 00:01:34,350
Remember her beautiful smile?
43
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,786
I had to fight the kidnappers
away.
44
00:01:36,822 --> 00:01:38,021
Seriously?
45
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,956
Is it really so hard to believe?
46
00:01:39,991 --> 00:01:42,459
I mean, am I so horrible?
47
00:01:42,511 --> 00:01:44,377
Is it that impossible
to be around me?
48
00:01:44,429 --> 00:01:47,464
[ Tires screech, engine revs ]
49
00:01:47,466 --> 00:01:51,551
We made a getaway
'cause Hayley's hard to take
50
00:01:51,603 --> 00:01:55,805
dad put the pedal down,
we're gonna eat a cheesecake
51
00:01:55,857 --> 00:01:58,358
52
00:01:58,393 --> 00:02:01,611
Good morning, U.S.A.
53
00:02:01,646 --> 00:02:04,898
I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day
54
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:07,984
the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
55
00:02:07,986 --> 00:02:12,455
and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
56
00:02:14,376 --> 00:02:17,460
oh, boy, it's swell to say
57
00:02:17,496 --> 00:02:19,829
good --
good morning, U.S.A.
58
00:02:19,831 --> 00:02:25,835
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
59
00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:27,871
[ Crickets chirping ]
60
00:02:27,906 --> 00:02:30,373
Hey, babe, what you doing?
61
00:02:30,408 --> 00:02:33,343
Oh, why'd you get out
your paper Facebook?
62
00:02:33,378 --> 00:02:37,680
Look at this.
I-I'm smiling in every picture.
63
00:02:37,682 --> 00:02:41,651
It's weird, but I don't remember
any of this.
64
00:02:41,686 --> 00:02:44,120
I guess 'cause drugs.
65
00:02:44,155 --> 00:02:45,955
"Happy Hayley"?
66
00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:47,924
God, what happened to me?
67
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,792
I mean, my family's avoiding me.
68
00:02:49,828 --> 00:02:51,494
What if I drive you away?
69
00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:54,664
Babe, that'll never happen.
I got nowhere else to go.
70
00:02:54,699 --> 00:02:57,634
Oh, happy Hayley.
Those were the days.
71
00:02:57,669 --> 00:03:00,136
Oh, my God!
How are you doing that?
72
00:03:00,171 --> 00:03:02,939
I'm from outer space, Jeff.
I can do lots of cool shit.
73
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:06,009
Here's a little sump'n sump'n
I learned on Vega five.
74
00:03:07,946 --> 00:03:09,379
[ Groans ]
75
00:03:09,414 --> 00:03:10,780
You remember happy Hayley?
76
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,515
What? Oh, sure.
77
00:03:12,551 --> 00:03:14,050
Always smiling.
78
00:03:14,052 --> 00:03:15,885
[ Baby voice ]
You were a bunny-wunny.
79
00:03:15,921 --> 00:03:18,688
You were a sweetie-cutie-
baby-honey-pie.
80
00:03:18,723 --> 00:03:21,391
You were tooshy-wooshy-
boohjy-boohjy.
81
00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:23,026
[ Normal voice ] And now
I'm indifferent to you.
82
00:03:23,061 --> 00:03:24,928
Oh, I wish I could remember
what it felt like
83
00:03:24,963 --> 00:03:26,162
to be that happy.
84
00:03:26,197 --> 00:03:27,864
You can. Make an appointment
85
00:03:27,899 --> 00:03:30,033
to see Dr. penguin
for hypnotherapy.
86
00:03:30,068 --> 00:03:32,635
Roger, I don't want you
messing around with my head.
87
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:35,104
Happy Hayley
at the petting zoo?!
88
00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:37,657
Oh, I just
wanna love her forever!
89
00:03:37,709 --> 00:03:39,125
Is Dr. penguin
available now?
90
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,743
We can probably squeeze you in,
91
00:03:40,745 --> 00:03:42,078
but we don't take insurance.
92
00:03:42,113 --> 00:03:42,993
We don't know how.
93
00:03:44,588 --> 00:03:45,854
[ School bell rings ]
94
00:03:45,889 --> 00:03:47,589
So we're at
the Cheesecake Warehouse,
95
00:03:47,591 --> 00:03:49,808
and Charlotte comes over.
We're in her section.
96
00:03:49,843 --> 00:03:51,011
Nice.
97
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,261
And I said, "Charlotte,
I want you to take away
98
00:03:53,313 --> 00:03:54,679
"this fork and knife
99
00:03:54,731 --> 00:03:56,347
and bring me some pork
I can eat with a spoon."
100
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,433
[ Chuckles ] She laughs
and probably forgets
101
00:03:58,435 --> 00:04:00,435
about her blind son
for a moment.
102
00:04:00,487 --> 00:04:02,771
But when the pork comes,
oh, my God.
103
00:04:02,773 --> 00:04:04,439
What is it, Steve?
104
00:04:04,441 --> 00:04:06,858
It was stringy,
tough, chewy, even.
105
00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:08,693
I had to ask for
my knife and fork back.
106
00:04:08,745 --> 00:04:10,028
[ All gasp ]
107
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,579
Charlotte had to do
the walk of shame
108
00:04:11,615 --> 00:04:12,997
to the utensil station,
109
00:04:13,033 --> 00:04:15,617
and I went home
with a gut full of hard pork.
110
00:04:15,619 --> 00:04:17,585
[ Lowered voice ] Yo,
couldn't help but overhear.
111
00:04:17,621 --> 00:04:20,855
You boys in the market
for some soft pork?
112
00:04:20,891 --> 00:04:23,491
Oh, dear.
You want the perfect pork?
113
00:04:23,527 --> 00:04:27,362
You gotta get yourself
a slow cooker.
114
00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:28,663
Get outta here, Tim.
115
00:04:28,698 --> 00:04:30,932
You're not even a real pervert.
116
00:04:30,967 --> 00:04:33,735
A slow cooker really
makes that much of a difference?
117
00:04:33,770 --> 00:04:35,937
After you do a slow cook,
118
00:04:35,972 --> 00:04:38,406
you'll never look at pork
the same way again.
119
00:04:38,442 --> 00:04:41,309
Whoa! Message received,
buddy.
120
00:04:41,344 --> 00:04:45,346
Before I give you this,
there's one thing to remember.
121
00:04:45,382 --> 00:04:49,350
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
122
00:04:49,386 --> 00:04:53,421
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
123
00:04:53,457 --> 00:04:55,723
The slower the cook...
124
00:04:55,759 --> 00:04:58,092
[ Whispers ]
the better the taste.
125
00:04:58,128 --> 00:04:59,961
[ All gasp ]
126
00:04:59,996 --> 00:05:02,497
That guy's so weird about pork.
127
00:05:02,532 --> 00:05:05,383
Anyway...
[ Deep voice ] I'm Batman.
128
00:05:05,418 --> 00:05:07,802
[ Birds chirping ]
129
00:05:07,838 --> 00:05:09,571
So here's how it works.
130
00:05:09,606 --> 00:05:12,073
I do hypnotherapy to help
people better themselves,
131
00:05:12,108 --> 00:05:14,742
to stop smoking...
or start smoking.
132
00:05:14,778 --> 00:05:16,377
I do both, whichever's easier.
133
00:05:16,413 --> 00:05:18,046
One's way easier.
134
00:05:18,081 --> 00:05:20,682
Anyhow, we'll use hypnotherapy
to bring you back
135
00:05:20,717 --> 00:05:22,617
to when you were 6,
and we'll find out
136
00:05:22,652 --> 00:05:24,402
what made you so happy.
137
00:05:24,437 --> 00:05:28,857
You're 6 years old again.
6 years old.
138
00:05:28,909 --> 00:05:30,575
With every swing of the watch,
139
00:05:30,610 --> 00:05:32,410
you go a little deeper.
140
00:05:32,445 --> 00:05:34,863
Happy Hayley.
141
00:05:36,666 --> 00:05:38,600
Hayley's still in there
with Dr. penguin?
142
00:05:38,635 --> 00:05:39,868
How long has it been?
143
00:05:39,903 --> 00:05:41,469
I don't know, Mr. S.
144
00:05:41,505 --> 00:05:44,172
Hayley usually keeps track
of how long I sit.
145
00:05:46,510 --> 00:05:47,742
[ Door opens ]
146
00:05:47,777 --> 00:05:49,043
Roger! Snap out of it!
147
00:05:49,045 --> 00:05:51,379
Oh, my God.
I think I did it.
148
00:05:51,381 --> 00:05:54,449
I quit! I quit not smoking!
149
00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:56,017
I gotta get a ciggy!
150
00:05:56,052 --> 00:05:57,886
Hayley, are you all right?
151
00:05:57,938 --> 00:06:00,588
[ High-pitched childish voice ]
Daddy! Can we get ice cream?
152
00:06:00,624 --> 00:06:02,390
Pretty, pretty please?!
153
00:06:02,392 --> 00:06:06,060
Yeah, sure, if you can
tell me how old you are.
154
00:06:06,112 --> 00:06:08,863
Silly, daddy. I'm 6!
155
00:06:08,899 --> 00:06:10,648
What?
Roger, what did you --
156
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,150
[ joint cracks ]
Uhh!
157
00:06:12,202 --> 00:06:14,485
[ Strained voice ]
My back! It's the l-5!
158
00:06:14,538 --> 00:06:18,122
[ Groans ] Must... get to...
vicodin stash.
159
00:06:18,158 --> 00:06:20,458
Horsey ride! [ Giggles ]
[ Grunting ]
160
00:06:20,493 --> 00:06:22,076
Whoa! Ride 'em, girl!
161
00:06:22,128 --> 00:06:24,462
[ Laughing ]
Ah!
162
00:06:24,497 --> 00:06:28,049
[ Slurring ] This was supposed
to be a fun night. [ Cries ]
163
00:06:29,087 --> 00:06:30,787
[ Birds chirping ]
164
00:06:30,822 --> 00:06:32,539
One, two, three...
165
00:06:32,591 --> 00:06:33,912
Roger, we can't have
a grown woman
166
00:06:33,925 --> 00:06:35,523
acting like a child.
167
00:06:35,643 --> 00:06:37,593
This ain't no Disney channel.
168
00:06:37,645 --> 00:06:40,262
...9, 10! Couch attack!
169
00:06:40,314 --> 00:06:42,014
Uhh!
170
00:06:42,066 --> 00:06:44,016
Roger, hypnotize Hayley back.
171
00:06:44,068 --> 00:06:46,402
Okay, okay, just let me finish
this last one.
172
00:06:46,437 --> 00:06:48,904
[ Inhales deeply ]
173
00:06:48,940 --> 00:06:52,958
[ Gulps ]
Smoking's so glamorous.
174
00:06:52,994 --> 00:06:54,193
[ Lighter clicks ]
175
00:06:55,663 --> 00:06:59,031
You're not 6 anymore.
You're not 6 anymore.
176
00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:02,501
Tag! You're it!
[ Giggling ]
177
00:07:02,537 --> 00:07:06,005
There's fishy! Fishy!
178
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,008
Oh, no. Happy Hayley,
my mortal enemy.
179
00:07:09,043 --> 00:07:10,276
The monster is back.
180
00:07:10,311 --> 00:07:13,629
Hurricane fishy!
181
00:07:13,681 --> 00:07:15,464
Ugh. This is my fault
182
00:07:15,516 --> 00:07:17,933
for not putting up sandbags.
183
00:07:17,969 --> 00:07:19,351
[ Birds chirping ]
184
00:07:19,387 --> 00:07:22,938
Mommy, I'm hungry.
Can I have a hot dog?
185
00:07:22,974 --> 00:07:24,974
You want a hot dog?
186
00:07:25,026 --> 00:07:26,642
And some mint chip ice cream.
187
00:07:26,694 --> 00:07:30,963
Why, uh, of course, honey.
I'll whip that up right now.
188
00:07:30,998 --> 00:07:33,566
You're the best mommy ever!
189
00:07:33,568 --> 00:07:35,067
Hey!
190
00:07:35,119 --> 00:07:37,153
This is my chance
to raise her right.
191
00:07:37,205 --> 00:07:39,905
[ Inhales ] Get her
into child acting...
192
00:07:39,907 --> 00:07:42,458
[ Exhaling deeply ]
Make some cash.
193
00:07:42,493 --> 00:07:44,577
Daddy's home!
194
00:07:44,579 --> 00:07:47,213
Look, daddy, I made you
a friendship bracelet.
195
00:07:47,248 --> 00:07:49,331
It means we're B.F.F.s --
best friends forever.
196
00:07:49,383 --> 00:07:51,467
But you can't ever take it off,
or else I'll know.
197
00:07:51,502 --> 00:07:53,169
'Kay, promise you'll
never take it off?
198
00:07:53,221 --> 00:07:55,638
I promise. I've been meaning
to get rid of my old one.
199
00:07:57,091 --> 00:07:59,658
[ Gasps ] He promised
he'd never take it off!
200
00:07:59,694 --> 00:08:02,094
[ Voice breaking ]
You're supposed to wear them
201
00:08:02,129 --> 00:08:04,063
until they fall off!
202
00:08:04,098 --> 00:08:06,232
It's in the rules!
203
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:07,733
[ Crickets chirping ]
204
00:08:08,669 --> 00:08:11,704
So, babe, I'm just curious.
205
00:08:11,739 --> 00:08:15,507
I'm not really sure how
you feel about us right now.
206
00:08:15,543 --> 00:08:17,943
I love you.
You're my best friend.
207
00:08:17,979 --> 00:08:20,212
Oh, that's so great to hear.
208
00:08:20,248 --> 00:08:21,947
I love you, too, Hayles.
209
00:08:21,983 --> 00:08:24,049
It's so awesome
you're a princess.
210
00:08:24,085 --> 00:08:25,601
What's that, Anna?
211
00:08:25,721 --> 00:08:29,255
There's a stinky, hairy ogre
in the room?
212
00:08:30,691 --> 00:08:34,226
You and your pee-pee
are gross.
213
00:08:34,262 --> 00:08:35,961
[ Ticks, dings ]
214
00:08:35,997 --> 00:08:38,631
All right!
The roast is finally done.
215
00:08:38,666 --> 00:08:42,163
Eight hours without food.
It's like I'm a poor!
216
00:08:42,285 --> 00:08:44,452
Wait. Remember what
the salesman said
217
00:08:44,487 --> 00:08:46,253
four times in the alley?
218
00:08:46,289 --> 00:08:48,456
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
219
00:08:48,491 --> 00:08:51,192
I say we double the time.
Or why stop there?
220
00:08:51,227 --> 00:08:52,693
Let's double the double.
221
00:08:52,729 --> 00:08:54,362
[ Moans ]
[ Timer winds ]
222
00:08:54,397 --> 00:08:57,164
This pork isn't coming out
until it's absolutely perfect.
223
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,233
Well, I've always said
I'm not gonna come out
224
00:08:59,268 --> 00:09:02,370
until I�m absolutely perfect.
[ Gasps ]
225
00:09:04,507 --> 00:09:06,907
Hey, guys, we need
to talk about Hayley.
226
00:09:06,943 --> 00:09:08,409
Isn't she great?
227
00:09:08,444 --> 00:09:10,811
Look, she made me this sweet-ass
friendship bracelet.
228
00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:12,980
Oh, did you not get one?
Aw.
229
00:09:13,016 --> 00:09:16,817
No, guys, this is bad!
My wife is 6!
230
00:09:16,853 --> 00:09:19,186
Oh, children are more sexual
than we realize.
231
00:09:19,222 --> 00:09:21,756
It was my work in that area
that cemented my tenure
232
00:09:21,791 --> 00:09:23,190
at the university of the Ozarks.
233
00:09:23,226 --> 00:09:24,425
Go, possums!
234
00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,327
Don't be selfish, Jeff.
235
00:09:26,362 --> 00:09:28,896
Hayley's finally happy again.
236
00:09:28,931 --> 00:09:31,866
She eats everything, and she
lets me dress her up
237
00:09:31,901 --> 00:09:33,167
however I want.
238
00:09:33,202 --> 00:09:35,152
Mommy, look!
I'm as pretty as you!
239
00:09:35,204 --> 00:09:36,904
Almost.
240
00:09:36,956 --> 00:09:39,306
Dr. penguin, there's gotta
be something you can do.
241
00:09:39,342 --> 00:09:42,410
All right. Let's commence
the un-hypnotizing.
242
00:09:42,462 --> 00:09:46,080
It's a very delicate procedure.
I'll need total silence.
243
00:09:46,082 --> 00:09:49,250
Snap out of it!
Snap out of it!
244
00:09:49,252 --> 00:09:50,968
Patty cake, Roger!
245
00:09:51,004 --> 00:09:52,837
Both: [ Chanting ]
my mother, your mother
246
00:09:52,889 --> 00:09:55,256
lived across the street,
1-8-1-9 blueberry street
247
00:09:55,258 --> 00:09:56,924
every night
they have a fight
248
00:09:56,926 --> 00:09:59,143
this is what they said
that night
249
00:09:59,178 --> 00:10:01,062
boys go to Jupiter,
get more stupider
250
00:10:01,097 --> 00:10:03,097
girls go to Mars
to be superstars
251
00:10:03,149 --> 00:10:04,932
rumble, tumble,
strawberry shake
252
00:10:04,934 --> 00:10:06,167
Freeze!
253
00:10:06,202 --> 00:10:08,352
[ Both laugh ]
254
00:10:08,404 --> 00:10:12,156
Ah, childhood.
Such a sweet, sexual time.
255
00:10:12,191 --> 00:10:13,941
Hey! You didn't fix her.
256
00:10:13,943 --> 00:10:15,526
Sorry, Jeff, but Hayley
seems to be
257
00:10:15,578 --> 00:10:18,279
in what is known as
age regression lock.
258
00:10:18,281 --> 00:10:21,348
So she'll stay
a 6 year old forever?
259
00:10:21,384 --> 00:10:24,051
Not forever, but, yes,
until she dies.
260
00:10:24,087 --> 00:10:26,287
That is, unless you find
her trigger.
261
00:10:26,322 --> 00:10:27,788
Wait. What --
what do you mean?
262
00:10:27,824 --> 00:10:30,341
Happy Hayley didn't stay
happy Hayley.
263
00:10:30,376 --> 00:10:31,792
[ Lighter clicks ]
264
00:10:31,794 --> 00:10:33,794
Something in her past turned her
265
00:10:33,796 --> 00:10:35,513
into the cranky, preachy
downer Hayley
266
00:10:35,548 --> 00:10:37,465
that we all know and you love.
267
00:10:37,517 --> 00:10:39,433
Finding that trigger
should bring her back.
268
00:10:39,469 --> 00:10:40,968
Enough of this nonsense!
269
00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:42,970
I think it's time
for a family trip
270
00:10:42,972 --> 00:10:45,272
to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
271
00:10:45,308 --> 00:10:48,225
Yay! Yay, yay, yay, yay!
Buffalo bites!
272
00:10:48,277 --> 00:10:51,312
I'm in! I can smoke there
'cause it's gross.
273
00:10:52,982 --> 00:10:55,950
Ugh. I need to find
Hayley's trigger.
274
00:10:55,985 --> 00:10:57,151
I will help.
275
00:10:57,186 --> 00:10:58,919
Yuck.
Klaus?
276
00:10:58,955 --> 00:11:02,156
I've been hiding all week
from that 6-year-old asshole.
277
00:11:02,191 --> 00:11:04,525
[ Birds chirping ]
278
00:11:06,062 --> 00:11:08,462
Whoa, look,
her 7th birthday party.
279
00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:18,506
Oh, look how sad she is,
280
00:11:18,558 --> 00:11:22,259
like a single baby's shoe
floating down the river.
281
00:11:28,918 --> 00:11:31,886
Something at that party
made her stop smiling.
282
00:11:33,189 --> 00:11:34,989
That was it!
That was the moment
283
00:11:35,024 --> 00:11:37,158
she became downer Hayley!
284
00:11:37,193 --> 00:11:39,260
What is she looking at?
285
00:11:39,295 --> 00:11:41,262
There.
This boy behind Hayley
286
00:11:41,297 --> 00:11:43,297
was taking a picture
at the same time.
287
00:11:43,332 --> 00:11:45,966
If he still has it, then we
can see what Hayley saw.
288
00:11:46,002 --> 00:11:48,402
Whoa, whoa, one step at at time.
289
00:11:48,437 --> 00:11:50,971
First, we have to go
through this whole yearbook
290
00:11:51,007 --> 00:11:53,124
to try and find --
Oh, here he is. Joe Chandler.
291
00:11:53,176 --> 00:11:55,409
He has a camera
in his school picture, too.
292
00:11:55,444 --> 00:11:57,578
Hmm. Bit of
a shutterbug, I suppose.
293
00:11:57,613 --> 00:11:59,980
Great detective work, Klaus.
294
00:12:00,016 --> 00:12:01,982
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
295
00:12:02,018 --> 00:12:04,351
Looks like this case
was made for...
296
00:12:04,387 --> 00:12:06,654
Fish and the Jeffman.
297
00:12:08,307 --> 00:12:14,145
[ Both humming
"wheels and the legman" theme ]
298
00:12:14,197 --> 00:12:17,898
[ Humming continues ]
299
00:12:20,570 --> 00:12:22,903
[ Brakes squeal ]
300
00:12:22,905 --> 00:12:26,490
Damn it! Roger's suing us
for copyright infringement.
301
00:12:26,542 --> 00:12:29,243
He says this is like
"wheels and the legman."
302
00:12:29,245 --> 00:12:31,245
What?! In what way?!
303
00:12:31,297 --> 00:12:33,581
[ Bubbling ]
304
00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,583
What are you boys doing?
305
00:12:35,635 --> 00:12:37,218
It's been a week, Steve.
306
00:12:37,253 --> 00:12:39,253
The meat's falling off the bone!
307
00:12:39,305 --> 00:12:42,556
The bone! All that flavor
trapped in the bone.
308
00:12:42,592 --> 00:12:45,025
But what if we cook
the bone down to a jelly
309
00:12:45,061 --> 00:12:46,927
and then the jelly down
to a broth,
310
00:12:46,929 --> 00:12:48,646
and then the broth
down to a reduction?!
311
00:12:48,681 --> 00:12:52,166
You're playing God with pork!
Just let us eat!
312
00:12:52,201 --> 00:12:55,336
I knew you guys couldn't handle
the pressure of a slow cook.
313
00:12:55,371 --> 00:12:56,570
Luckily, I'm ready.
314
00:12:56,606 --> 00:12:58,489
Looks like you boys
brought hands
315
00:12:58,524 --> 00:13:00,107
to a crossbow fight.
316
00:13:00,109 --> 00:13:01,992
But I want food now!
317
00:13:02,028 --> 00:13:03,611
Barry, tide yourself over
with a --
318
00:13:03,613 --> 00:13:06,197
Don't you say it, Steve!
Don't you dare tell me
319
00:13:06,249 --> 00:13:08,449
to eat another
nature's harvest bar!
320
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:11,535
I can't. My poops.
321
00:13:11,587 --> 00:13:15,089
[ Crying ]
They're like drywall.
322
00:13:16,542 --> 00:13:18,042
You're asking if I have a photo
323
00:13:18,094 --> 00:13:19,460
I took at a birthday party
324
00:13:19,462 --> 00:13:21,011
that I went to when I was 7?
325
00:13:21,047 --> 00:13:22,713
We know it's a long shot,
Mr. Chandler,
326
00:13:22,765 --> 00:13:24,715
but my wife's life
depended on it.
327
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:27,051
Oh, yeah. I remember her.
328
00:13:27,103 --> 00:13:29,637
I can't make any promises,
but I'll go have a look.
329
00:13:29,689 --> 00:13:33,557
How am I supposed to find
one picture...
330
00:13:33,609 --> 00:13:37,611
from the thousands and thousands
I've taken of her?
331
00:13:37,647 --> 00:13:40,197
Thank God I digitized them all.
332
00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:43,367
Joe Chandler,
you perfectly sane genius.
333
00:13:43,402 --> 00:13:44,735
There it is.
[ Mouse clicks ]
334
00:13:44,787 --> 00:13:48,989
[ Printer whirring ]
335
00:13:49,041 --> 00:13:51,325
Boop. And one for me.
336
00:13:51,327 --> 00:13:54,194
[ Mouse clicks,
printer whirring ]
337
00:13:56,082 --> 00:13:59,667
Mmm. Mmm...Mmm.
338
00:13:59,719 --> 00:14:01,502
Well, looks like we're in luck.
339
00:14:01,554 --> 00:14:02,753
I found the picture.
340
00:14:02,805 --> 00:14:05,339
Oh, that's amazing!
Thanks, Joe.
341
00:14:05,341 --> 00:14:07,725
Now, would I be imposing
if I asked you
342
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,593
to put a camera
in your pee hole?
343
00:14:09,645 --> 00:14:11,011
What?
344
00:14:11,013 --> 00:14:12,229
Boop.
345
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:17,017
Klaus, look.
Look where she's pointing.
346
00:14:17,019 --> 00:14:19,770
Oh, a big man clubbing
a baby seal?
347
00:14:19,822 --> 00:14:21,572
That is not fair.
348
00:14:21,607 --> 00:14:23,240
That's it, Klaus!
349
00:14:23,276 --> 00:14:25,693
This is the moment she realized
life wasn't fair.
350
00:14:25,745 --> 00:14:27,111
That's her trigger.
351
00:14:27,163 --> 00:14:28,284
Then we need to recreate it.
352
00:14:28,399 --> 00:14:30,531
That will snap her out
of the deep trance.
353
00:14:30,583 --> 00:14:32,199
Let's go.
354
00:14:32,201 --> 00:14:35,536
Klaus: That Joe Chandler was
a cool dude.
355
00:14:35,588 --> 00:14:37,621
Next time...
356
00:14:37,673 --> 00:14:39,807
Next time I'll have bullets.
357
00:14:41,103 --> 00:14:42,736
[ Crickets chirping ]
358
00:14:42,771 --> 00:14:45,438
[ Lowered voice ] Jeff,
I love the symmetry of this.
359
00:14:45,474 --> 00:14:47,357
Seeing a seal clubbed to death
360
00:14:47,392 --> 00:14:49,476
is what broke happy Hayley
the first time,
361
00:14:49,478 --> 00:14:52,445
and doing it again
will break her once more.
362
00:14:52,481 --> 00:14:54,814
Klaus, we're not gonna
club a seal to death.
363
00:14:54,866 --> 00:14:57,017
You're right. It doesn't
have to be a seal.
364
00:14:57,052 --> 00:14:58,785
Just anything innocent.
365
00:14:58,820 --> 00:15:02,789
The important thing
is the club...and the death.
366
00:15:02,824 --> 00:15:06,826
No, 'cause that's what turned
her into frowny-faced Hayley.
367
00:15:06,878 --> 00:15:09,713
If we can just show her that
the world is unfair to animals
368
00:15:09,748 --> 00:15:12,799
without murdering one, then
maybe she'll snap out of it,
369
00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:15,969
but keep a little bit
of happy Hayley inside.
370
00:15:16,004 --> 00:15:18,104
Oh,sucks.
371
00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:19,839
I thought we were
on the same page
372
00:15:19,841 --> 00:15:21,558
the whole drive.
373
00:15:23,645 --> 00:15:25,812
Why are we at the fish zoo?
374
00:15:25,847 --> 00:15:27,564
Oh, just for fun.
375
00:15:27,599 --> 00:15:30,433
Hey, look at the pretty seals!
376
00:15:30,485 --> 00:15:32,018
Wait a minute.
377
00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:34,821
That's an awfully small place
for a seal to live.
378
00:15:34,856 --> 00:15:37,741
It's not fair. Right, Klaus?
379
00:15:37,776 --> 00:15:39,109
Oh, yeah.
380
00:15:39,161 --> 00:15:43,029
Look at these poor,
sweet, gentle creatures.
381
00:15:43,081 --> 00:15:46,616
The lambs of the sea,
stuck their whole lives
382
00:15:46,668 --> 00:15:48,501
in a tiny...
383
00:15:48,537 --> 00:15:50,086
There's one behind me,
isn't there?
384
00:15:50,122 --> 00:15:52,038
And is it, like,
exactly the opposite
385
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,540
of how I described them?
386
00:15:53,592 --> 00:15:55,759
[ Growls ]
Aah!
387
00:15:55,794 --> 00:15:58,628
Klaus!
Aah! Help me!
388
00:15:58,680 --> 00:15:59,846
Hold on!
389
00:15:59,881 --> 00:16:02,515
Ohh! [ Panting ]
390
00:16:02,551 --> 00:16:04,718
In your face, seal.
You can't get me.
391
00:16:04,770 --> 00:16:05,969
[ Growls ]
Aah!
392
00:16:06,021 --> 00:16:07,971
Seals can come on land?
393
00:16:08,023 --> 00:16:10,557
I thought they had to stay
in the water like fish!
394
00:16:10,559 --> 00:16:13,109
Oh, no. [ Gasps ]
395
00:16:13,145 --> 00:16:16,863
Evolve, Klaus. [ Gasps ]
Evolve like the wind!
396
00:16:16,898 --> 00:16:19,566
[ Grunts ] Ow! Aah!
397
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:22,035
[ Growls ]
Hey! [ Grunts ]
398
00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:26,072
[ Growling ]
399
00:16:26,074 --> 00:16:29,743
[ Barking ]
Stay...away...from Klaus!
400
00:16:29,745 --> 00:16:31,795
[ Panting ]
401
00:16:31,830 --> 00:16:34,581
Ooh! You killed it.
402
00:16:34,583 --> 00:16:36,082
I want a mermaid key chain!
403
00:16:36,134 --> 00:16:38,718
Oh, good, she didn't see me
kill the seal.
404
00:16:38,754 --> 00:16:39,919
[ Click ]
405
00:16:39,921 --> 00:16:41,755
But we did.
406
00:16:41,757 --> 00:16:43,590
[ Timer dings ]
407
00:16:43,642 --> 00:16:46,476
We did it, friends.
We cooked the perfect pork.
408
00:16:46,511 --> 00:16:49,763
Wish you could try it,
but you're all dead.
409
00:16:53,685 --> 00:16:57,654
[ Screaming ]
410
00:16:57,689 --> 00:17:01,107
[ Gasps ] Oh, God!
411
00:17:01,159 --> 00:17:03,910
The meaning of the dream
is so clear!
412
00:17:03,945 --> 00:17:07,197
I gotta share this pork
with my friends immediately!
413
00:17:07,249 --> 00:17:10,867
Oh, come on. Every morning?
Didn't you hear me?
414
00:17:10,919 --> 00:17:12,836
There's no time. I need
to do the right thing
415
00:17:12,871 --> 00:17:14,454
for my friends.
416
00:17:14,506 --> 00:17:17,624
You should be
in that slow cooker, you pig.
417
00:17:21,046 --> 00:17:22,529
[ Remote control clicks ]
418
00:17:23,799 --> 00:17:25,932
I know that's hard to watch.
419
00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:28,568
That's why I only showed it
to you 10 times.
420
00:17:28,603 --> 00:17:31,137
Jeff Fischer broke
into the aquarium
421
00:17:31,139 --> 00:17:34,891
and brutally killed a seal,
but not just any seal.
422
00:17:34,943 --> 00:17:36,476
This was harpy...
423
00:17:36,528 --> 00:17:38,144
[ Remote control clicks ]
The cutest seal.
424
00:17:38,146 --> 00:17:39,546
Jury: Aw.
425
00:17:39,581 --> 00:17:40,847
I can't hear you!
426
00:17:40,882 --> 00:17:42,565
Jury: [ Louder ] Aw!
427
00:17:42,617 --> 00:17:45,568
The prosecution rests,
but not before a quick round
428
00:17:45,620 --> 00:17:48,037
of high five
with this awesome jury!
429
00:17:48,073 --> 00:17:51,875
[ Cheers and applause,
upbeat theme music playing ]
430
00:17:53,211 --> 00:17:54,994
What's happening, daddy?
431
00:17:55,046 --> 00:17:58,548
That man is on trial because
he did a bad thing to a seal.
432
00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:01,251
I like seals.
I don't like that man.
433
00:18:01,303 --> 00:18:03,553
No one does.
[ Gavel bangs ]
434
00:18:03,588 --> 00:18:05,672
So, does the defendant
want to waste our time
435
00:18:05,674 --> 00:18:07,140
before the jury
finds him guilty?
436
00:18:07,175 --> 00:18:09,559
We'd like to call
Dr. penguin to the stand.
437
00:18:09,594 --> 00:18:11,060
Huh?
Who's Dr. penguin?
438
00:18:11,096 --> 00:18:12,645
That'd be me.
439
00:18:12,681 --> 00:18:14,764
I can explain why Jeff
did what he did,
440
00:18:14,816 --> 00:18:18,568
or if I may hypnotize
the jury, your honor?
441
00:18:18,603 --> 00:18:20,236
Oh, fun! I'll allow it.
442
00:18:21,857 --> 00:18:25,158
Jeff Fischer is not guilty.
443
00:18:25,193 --> 00:18:28,695
Not guilty. With every swing
of the watch,
444
00:18:28,697 --> 00:18:32,615
you'll find Jeff
a little less guilty.
445
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:35,285
We find the defendant
not guilty.
446
00:18:35,337 --> 00:18:36,870
Okay, cool.
447
00:18:36,922 --> 00:18:38,922
Jeff Fischer, you're free to go.
[ Gavel bangs ]
448
00:18:38,957 --> 00:18:40,590
Yes!
[ Gallery shouting at once ]
449
00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:42,008
Daddy, what's wrong?
450
00:18:42,043 --> 00:18:44,260
The man who killed the seal
is being let go.
451
00:18:44,296 --> 00:18:47,797
What?! But that's not fair!
That's not fair.
452
00:18:47,849 --> 00:18:50,133
That's not fair.
[ Gruff voice ] That's not fair.
453
00:18:50,185 --> 00:18:51,551
[ Clears throat ]
454
00:18:51,586 --> 00:18:52,819
[ Normal voice ]
That's not fair.
455
00:18:52,854 --> 00:18:55,472
Oh. Whoa.
Where the hell am I?
456
00:18:55,524 --> 00:18:56,956
Ugh. Hayley's back.
457
00:18:56,992 --> 00:18:59,192
Hayley! I've missed you
so much.
458
00:18:59,227 --> 00:19:01,561
Missed me?
But where have I been?
459
00:19:01,596 --> 00:19:04,230
The real question is
when have you been?
460
00:19:04,282 --> 00:19:06,866
[ Laughter ]
461
00:19:06,902 --> 00:19:09,235
Seriously, guys, I can't account
for a lot of time,
462
00:19:09,287 --> 00:19:10,987
and I'm kind of freaking out.
463
00:19:11,039 --> 00:19:13,072
Will someone please explain
what's happening?
464
00:19:13,124 --> 00:19:15,792
More like, who's happening,
right, guys?
465
00:19:15,827 --> 00:19:19,312
[ Laughter ]
466
00:19:19,347 --> 00:19:21,181
[ Crickets chirping ]
467
00:19:21,216 --> 00:19:23,283
Guys, I'm sorry I got
carried away
468
00:19:23,318 --> 00:19:25,051
with the slow cooker,
469
00:19:25,086 --> 00:19:27,086
but my pursuit of perfection
was not totally in vain,
470
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,755
'cause like the pork,
471
00:19:28,757 --> 00:19:30,924
our friendship has been
simmered to perfection.
472
00:19:30,976 --> 00:19:32,592
Let's eat!
473
00:19:32,627 --> 00:19:34,928
Mmm. Mmm.
474
00:19:34,930 --> 00:19:36,179
Divine.
475
00:19:38,733 --> 00:19:41,768
Yet it leaves something behind.
476
00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:43,269
Metallic, maybe?
477
00:19:43,321 --> 00:19:46,606
Furry.
Almost moving?
478
00:19:46,658 --> 00:19:49,909
With perhaps maggoty undertones?
479
00:19:49,945 --> 00:19:52,745
[ Siren wailing ]
480
00:19:52,781 --> 00:19:54,113
Who gave you the stupid idea
481
00:19:54,165 --> 00:19:56,916
you could eat
12-day-old pork?
482
00:19:56,952 --> 00:19:58,418
He did!
483
00:20:00,288 --> 00:20:02,205
[ Snorting ]
484
00:20:02,257 --> 00:20:05,708
He's pigs! He's pigs!
485
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,044
[ Grunts ]
I gotta restrain this one.
486
00:20:08,096 --> 00:20:10,797
He's on to us.
487
00:20:10,849 --> 00:20:12,799
This isn't an ambulance!
488
00:20:12,801 --> 00:20:15,218
It's a goddamn hambulance!
489
00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:17,136
[ Snorting alarm wailing ]
490
00:20:17,138 --> 00:20:18,805
[ Gasping ]
491
00:20:18,857 --> 00:20:20,974
Pigs. Pigs everywhere.
492
00:20:21,026 --> 00:20:22,709
They're all pigs.
493
00:20:22,744 --> 00:20:24,277
I think Steve ate
a lot more than us.
494
00:20:24,312 --> 00:20:25,712
[ Grunting ]
495
00:20:28,116 --> 00:20:30,316
Thanks for looking out
for me, Jeff.
496
00:20:30,352 --> 00:20:31,918
I'm glad to be back
to my old self,
497
00:20:31,953 --> 00:20:34,420
even if happy Hayley
is gone for good.
498
00:20:34,456 --> 00:20:36,886
It's all right, babe.
I love you no matter what.
499
00:20:37,006 --> 00:20:39,929
- Hey, you wanna grab a bite
before the PETA protest? - Sure.
500
00:20:40,049 --> 00:20:43,416
For some reason, I could go
for a scoop of mint chip.
501
00:20:43,536 --> 00:20:47,779
Hey, you're smiling, babe.
That's one for the scrapbook.
502
00:20:50,942 --> 00:20:53,019
I hate this part.
503
00:20:53,139 --> 00:20:59,584
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
504
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:04,184
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