All language subtitles for The Love Boat S03E23 Celebration 1080p WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-squalor_track3_[eng]

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Hello.

Hello.

We're the laurwins.

We're on promenade suite 103.

Yes, you are.
Welcome aboard.

They are good accommodations,
aren't they?

Only the most super-ritzy suite
on board.

That's good enough for us.

Thank you.

You bet.

They look like
they're gonna have fun.

Yeah, but you know something?
I know that guy.

He works in the bank
right around the dock area.

Oh, have you been mingling
with the financial biggies now?

Yeah, the biggies
that guard there.

One of the guards?

Yeah.

Hmm. And he's taken the most
expensive suite on the ship.

Yeah.

I hope you didn't have money
in that bank.

It might be headed for Mexico.

Thanks again, dad,
for the perfect wedding.

I only wish your mother had been
here to see this.

Mark, you got a wonderful girl.
You look after her.

You don't even have to ask.

I'm not asking you.
I'm telling you.

Enjoy your honeymoon,
children.

Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, fellas.

Oh, you don't have to bother,
fellas.

Really -- I can carry it.

Fellas? Fellas, come on.

I don't want to trouble you.

It's no trouble.
It's right on the way.

We're right next door
to you.

You two are gonna be
on the boat?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In the next cabin?

In the adjoining.

We figured you didn't want us
in your room with you.

Any sign
of that child-welfare worker?

No, not yet.

How's the captain doing?

Well, considering the custody
of Vicki's gonna be decided

in the next few days,
I'd say pretty well.

You don't think they'll take
Vicki away from him, do you?

Hey, no negative thoughts.

Has anyone here seen
that miss, uh --

miss stoddard.

Yes, thank you.
Gopher, straighten your tie.

Apart from hysterical,
you look great.

Vicki -- where's Vicki?

Julie's bringing her.
Now, stop worrying.

Once that welfare woman sees
you and Vicki together --

but on a ship --
a cruise ship?

Don't forget I'm a single man.
That's two strikes against me.

Here they are.

Hmm?

Stay with me.

I need all the help
I can get.

[ Sighs ]

Well, my, my, my,
aren't we pretty?

Captain merrill, do I have
to wear this weird outfit?

Nobody wears white gloves today
unless they've got poison Ivy.

It's gross.

Look at me --
I'm all gussied up

out of respect and courtesy
to this miss stoddard.

Well, I think
you both look ravishing.

I feel like Shirley temple.

Hey, here she comes.

Hi.

I'm sorry, ma'am.
We're in the middle of a crisis.

Talk about typecasting!

Anybody need
a child-welfare worker?

The wicked witch of the west
has arrived.

Knock it off.

Uh, miss stoddard!

I'm captain stubing.

Sailor, where's your bar?

I got a hangover
that won't quit.

I need some oxygen
on the rocks.

Through those doors
to the left.

That's miss stoddard?

Only if there are two of us.
I'm Susan stoddard...

"The wicked witch
of the west."

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

I take it this is Vicki?

Yes, ma'am.

[ Chuckles ]

Could you and Vicki and I
have a little talk

after we get underway?

I look forward to it.

Fine.

See you later.

Bye.

Well, what do you think?

She's nice, isn't she?

Come on, Vicki.

Let's get ready
for that interview.

Come on now, guys.
Let's think.

Did we miss anything?

Is there anything else
we could have possibly done

to get off
to a really bad start?

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Beeping ]

Ground ball -- you're out.

I beat him again.

You want to play me, Mark?

No.

Would you like to come
in the water?

Not just now.

Go on -- have fun.

That's why we dragged you out
of the cabin.

Are you two going to stay this
close to us for the whole trip?

We know what you're thinking.
You got nothin' to worry about.

We ain't never gonna let you out
of our sight.

Wonderful.

We love that little girl
you married, understand?

We've been taking care of her
all her life.

Just relax and enjoy, huh?

Thank you.

We'll take it.

Fine. I'll put it
in a box for you.

Thank you.
Did you look at the price?

Well, I'm sorry, Betsy,

but I'm afraid
you have no choice.

We in the banking business
simply cannot allow

our wives to appear in public
unless they are spiffed up.

Hold that, dear.

You're too much.

[ Sighs ]

Brand-new bills --
all hundreds.

Are you sure he was only a guard
at that bank?

I've seen him wearing a uniform,
carrying a gun.

A gun, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Sure looks like he used it.

Here we are.
Thank you very much.

I think
we also have a shawl to match.

Oh? We'll take that, too.

Good. I'll try and find it
and let you know.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Laurwin.

Promenade suite 103.

Bye.

Why didn't you ask him if you
could check his bag?

It could have been messy.

Messy?

He may have his gun with him.

Messy.

I promise I'll take care of it
right away.

Excuse me, miss McCoy?

Yes.

Would it be possible
to change cabins?

I'm sorry. We're sold out.
Is something wrong?

I was hoping
that there might be something

in another part of the ship.

You see, next door --

miss,
I would like to point out

that this chap is on
his honeymoon.

And as he is taken,

he is no longer available to
members of the opposite sex.

Well, if you --

excuse us, please.

We would like to have a word
with the groom.

Wait a minute!

Shh! I recommend silence,
hopefully voluntarily.

Enforced silence makes
for a pleasant cruise.

Look out there
and tell me what you see.

[ Sea gulls cry ]

The ocean.

That's right. And what is
at the bottom of the ocean?

Fish.

Kelp.

Among other things.

And various and sundry
nameless persons

who have met
with an untimely demise.

I urge you to remember that you
are a newly married man.

Female distractions are
definitely a thing of the past.

Marriage has obligations.

Your job is to fulfill
those obligations.

Yeah, and our job is to make
sure you do your job.

Understand?

Vicki: I don't get it.

He's my dad.
I'm his daughter.

We want to be together.

Why does someone else
have to decide?

Vicki,
that's the way things are.

Well, miss stoddard,
I hope you don't let

a smattering of boisterous
revelers

or the fact
that the ship has been called

"the love boat"
influence you.

Our cruises are dedicated
to quiet relaxation

and the healthy sea air.

You're kidding.

No, I'm selling...

The most important thing
in my life.

Oh, I knew it.
He fell right into her trap.

He's being honest with her.

Eavesdropping?!
Disgraceful!

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Miss stoddard's in there.

Excuse me!

Stoddard:
Please relax.

And, Vicki, at ease.
I'm not the fuzz.

I'm only here to observe.

There's no way I'd be better off
than with captain merrill.

Yeah, but I've got to see that
for myself

and report to the court.

For instance,
I have to be sure

that you're getting a proper
education.

That's no problem,
miss stoddard.

Susan.

Susan.

Dooley,
our chief petty officer,

has a graduate degree
in education.

Oh.

He's Vicki's instructor.

Sometimes on occasion,
if necessary,

doc, Julie,
the whole crew helps.

We do?

Sure, I have.
So has doc.

From now on we're all gonna
pitch in

and do anything we can
to really sell this lady.

So just be yourselves.
Act naturally.

That's not an easy thing to do.

Sure, it is.

All you have to do is...
The impossible --

pretend I'm not here.

Well, I'm just going to wander
around on my own

for a little while,
all right?

She's leaving!

Captain merrill?

We really need her approval,
don't we?

Yes, honey, we do.

Okay, then we'll get it.

Julie: We will, Vicki.

Don't you worry.
We will.

You were all outside
listening?

Well, we wanted to save you the
trouble of having to fill us in.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Education -- she was very
explicit about education.

That'll be tough, though.

'Cause I think I already taught
you guys all I know.

Naturally we have
more than singles on board --

elderly vacationers,
honeymooners --

primarily family people.

Nothing out of the ordinary
ever happens.

It's all very wholesome.

[ Sighing ] Ahh!

You know, ralphie,
this is the life, huh?

You and me ought to go
on a honeymoon more often.

Yeah, I'm glad we're here.

When you told me
we was going on a cruise,

I never dreamed
it would be like this.

Uh, let me show you
the bridge.

Well, here is one of our largest
rivers, the Mississippi.

That's the Missouri,

and I learned all that
in the fourth grade.

Then consider it your review.

Here she comes.
Review. Review.

Hi, miss stoddard,
captain merrill.

Hello, Vicki, gopher.

Vicki...

The world's largest rivers --

the Mississippi, Amazon,
nile, Congo.

That's very good!

Excellent.

I pride myself on my ability

to instill knowledge
in young people.

Vicki, next time I want you
to list the oceans of the world,

the seas, the mountains,
volcanos,

and all the natural wonders.

Natural wonders?

Well, yeah.

You know, Niagara Falls,
and, um, the tower of pisa,

and...dolly parton.

A little humor --
a teacher's tool.

Shall we?

Doc, the guy carrying that black
bag around called you, why?

No idea.

I got it.

During the getaway
from the bank,

he probably
got a bullet in him,

and he needs a quack
to save his life.

Well, I mean
a real good licensed quack.

They seem like
a very nice couple.

So did Bonnie and Clyde.

Doc...

Try and get a look
in the satchel,

but be careful.

He's probably carrying a gun.

Doctor, come in.

My wife was just recently
discharged from the hospital,

and our doctor at home

suggested I give the ship's
doctor this paper

explaining her condition
just in case.

He said
I was really doing fine.

There was no reason for me not
to come on the cruise.

I agree.
You seem to be doing great.

We just had to get away.

Oh, doctor,
let me show you something.

Just to be on the safe side --
emergency oxygen.

I carry it everyplace we go.

Feel free to call me anytime.

[ Door closes ]

Well?

[ Imitating Humphrey bogart ]
I saw what was in the bag.

Oh?

Precisely.

"O" -- oxygen --
a small emergency tank.

You see, Bonnie has
a respiratory problem,

so Clyde carries oxygen.

Oh.

You got it.

But that still doesn't explain

how a bank guard is able
to afford a luxury suite

and a shopping spree.

Oh, Vicki, that's very good.

That's very good.

Now, for your homework,

I want you to diagram
the sentences

in the first three chapters
of this book,

and you can use these books
as references, okay?

Bye-bye.

Thanks a heap.

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi, Julie.

As you can see, Vicki sure
carries a study load, huh?

Yeah, pretty soon she'll be
needing a shopping cart.

[ Laughs ]

Doesn't she ever get time
for exercise, recreation?

Recreation?

Oh, sure.
We re-create her all the time.

One for the doctor,
one of the nurse,

one for the lady
with the alligator purse.

Okay, now --
red-hot bubba!

Can we quit now?

I'm exhausted.

So am I,
and I'm only watching.

How do I look?

Absolutely beautiful.

[ Chuckles ]

I love you, honey.

I adore you.

Why don't we order dinner
here?

We're all dressed.

But then again...

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, you decent?

How do I look, kids?
Like a regular David niven?

You ready for dinner?

Go ahead,
we're having dinner here.

Good idea.
I'll call room service.

It'd be fun
for all of us.

Never mind.
Let's go.

Oh, should we go in

and see if they found
that matching shawl?

Aren't you overdoing it
a little?

I thought we agreed
that for one week in our life

we weren't going to think
about money.

We're all right.

I've got plenty to see us
through the whole trip.

All right.

Miss, did you locate that shawl
you were telling us about?

Not yet, Mr. Laurwin,
but I'm still checking.

Oh, fine.

Now that's something
we have to have.

A diamond ring?

Not just a diamond ring,
a diamond engagement ring.

Miss?

Yes?

Would you show us
this diamond ring, please?

The one in the green box.

Certainly.

We've been married 30 years.

And all that time you've never
had a diamond engagement ring.

That's something I always wanted
you to have.

How much is it?

$750.

Gordon, $750?

We have some almost identical
ones with zircons

for around $50.

No, thank you.
We waited this long.

We're not gonna settle
for anything

but the genuine article.

'Cause you're the real thing,
Betsy.

I don't want anything but
the real thing on your finger.

You can sign for it
if you prefer.

No, thank you.
I'd rather pay cash.

There you are.

Thank you.

Oh, it's beautiful, Gordon.
I love it.

I just love it.

Well, that's all that matters.

And no more coffee
for me, pal.

It keeps me awake all night.

You ought to have some,
though, Mark.

You didn't have much to eat,
Mark.

I'm not very hungry.

That's understandable.
He's nervous.

What's he got to be nervous
about?

Drink your coffee.

I ain't havin' coffee.

Order some.

Honey, why don't we turn in?

Why don't we.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
It's been a long day.

Why don't we all turn in?

A toast to a lovely bride
and a wonderful anniversary.

Together: Happy anniversary.

I knew that dress would be
just perfect on you.

You look beautiful.

You have the most romantic
husband.

Oh, he's been full of surprises
lately, like this cruise.

Last week out of the blue
he came home with our tickets,

something
we never could afford.

This silly man went out
and sold his coin collection

and here we are.

Sold his coin collection?

Well, it was a hobby
I'm tired of, anyway.

I told him people would think he
robbed the bank where he works.

Oh, nobody in his right mind
would ever think that, huh?

No, ever.
What a dumb thing.

Well,
if you all will excuse us,

I'm gonna take my bride
for a stroll in the moonlight,

which may lead
to who knows what.

Gordon, you haven't paid for
the champagne yet.

Hmm?

The champagne.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Would you ask the waiter to put
it on my tab, please?

Sure.

Good night.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Good evening.

Good evening.

You're just gonna love the food.
It's wild.

Is that on the menu, too?

Uh, honeymooners.

Adorable.

We see a lot of that.
In fact, there was a couple --

uh, there's our crew.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh-oh.

Oh!

Oh, the booze.

Oh, that waiter got the drinks
mixed up again.

Excuse me.
Mine's the cranberry juice.

Ladies, your champagne.

Julie,
here's your iced tea.

Thank you, doc.

How about me?

Share with Julie.

Right.

Uh, Vicki, why don't you
go to the table?

We'll join you
in a minute.

Yes, sir, captain.
I'm starving.

My, romance abounds on this
ship, doesn't it?

People just tend to be
friendlier at sea, right?

Mm-hmm.

You mean it's all
"eat, drink, and be merry,

for tomorrow we dock"?

Well, people have been known
to eat, drink, et cetera,

on dry land, too.

Yes, but on a ship like this,
it's practically all you see.

Do you think that's a suitable
background for a child?

What about her role models?

You're looking at them.
See? Cranberry juice.

The only thing I drink,
lemonade.

But there's one other problem.

Even though there are children
on the ship,

they don't make for lasting
relationships.

The risk is Vicki living
in an adult world

without someone
of her own mental age level.

You're forgetting gopher.

Well, we'll see you all
later.

Bye.

Bye.

Captain...
[ Clears throat ]

Uh, please don't think

that I'm not aware of how
difficult this is for you,

but it is such an unusual
situation.

Let me have a little talk
with Vicki alone tomorrow.

Certainly. Certainly.

Right.
Now, that's enough of that.

Now please get me
to our table.

I would like to take off
my witch's hat

and have a double vodka
on the rocks.

[ Beeping ]

Ben: Go hit it, ralphie.

Ralphie: Yeah, the next one
goes into the seats.

You need a tennis racket.

I'm gonna clobber this one.

Darling, come to bed.

Honey, I can't.
I just can't.

I love you.

And I know you love me.

So, what's wrong?

Hey, there it is!

A long fly ball...
And I'm out.

That's eight games in a row.

That's what's wrong.

You got two dummies
in there cheering,

and I feel like
we're honeymooning

in the middle
of yankee stadium.

Can't you ignore them?

You've been around them
all your life.

Maybe you can tune them out,
but I can't.

I'm sorry, Mark.

I'm sorry, too, honey.

I booked this trip months
in advance.

I wanted the honeymoon
to be perfect.

But I just can't deal
with them.

Fastball -- nice pitch!

Put something on it.
Throw me a curveball.

Good night, Mark.

[ Beeping ]

Strike three!
You're out!

I feel like
I'm still in a dream.

That is something
we should have done years ago.

Oh, you wait too long --

why, sometimes it can end up

your medicine will weigh more
than your luggage.

[ Chuckles ]

I can't wait to tell my sister
all about this.

She's always showing off
to me.

Well, don't wait.
Give her a call.

From here?

Oh, it's easy.

My wife would like to make
a ship-to-shore telephone call.

Oh, no problem.

Will you bill it
to my room?

Certainly.

Oh, Mr. Laurwin,
I found that matching shawl.

Well, fine.
Did you hear that?

I'll be over in a few minutes
and sign for it.

Okay.

I thought you didn't want to
charge things?

Well, I don't have my wallet
on me.

Here's your telephone.

Thank you, Isaac.

Certainly.

You talk as long as you want.
I'm gonna pick up the shawl.

Hey.

Good mornin', Teri.

Where is our young groom?

Too tired to partake
of the sun and fun, huh?

How is the honeymoon goin',
kitten?

It's okay.

It's okay?

Hey, your honeymoon is perfect,
it's spectacular,

sometimes out of this world,
but never okay.

What is the problem?

It's just that --
oh, never mind.

Hey, Teri, you can tell us
what happened.

What happened?

Nothing happened.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Excuse us.

Hey, good morning, Mark.

You got time for a word here?

Fellas, I'm not in the mood --

hey, we have become aware
of a disparity

in your recently acquired
relationship.

I don't think that's --

shh!

I suggest you just listen.

The arm you save
may be your own.

You see, son, when you married
our little Teri,

you entered into a contract
which carries with it

the responsibility of
postnuptialization, understand?

You're dutybound to engage
in...Husbandry.

I for one understand the nature
of your difficulty

in that my sister Teresa's
husband had the same problem.

May he rest in peace.

So, uh,
commence the honeymoon.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Daily exercise!

Healthy body means
healthy mind!

This is fun!

Vicki, faster!

I'm trying to build up
your lungs.

Great! I'll have healthy lungs
and a broken body!

Here we go, Mr. Smith.

Thank you, sir.

Excuse me, captain.

Yes?

I wondered if I might speak
to you for a moment...Alone.

Certainly.
Excuse us.

I understand congratulations are
in order on your engagement.

Oh, thank you.

[ Sighs ]
How can I help you?

You know, captain,
for years

my wife and I used to watch
this ship leave the harbor.

We could see the harbor
from our window.

We always said to each other,
"someday we're going, too."

I'm glad you finally did.

Well, it took a real jolt
to wake me up.

I almost lost her here
a while ago.

Well, that made me realize

how risky it was to put
your somedays off too long.

It certainly is.

The real clincher was one day
down at the bank

a lawyer was
in the vault there

cleaning out the box of a client
who passed away, I guess.

I could see his money laying
there in the box

and his jewelry --

things that you knew
he'd never get a chance to use.

So, the next day I went down
and I got my box out,

and I cleaned everything out of
it and spent it on this trip.

The best move
I ever made, too.

Instead of a tin box
full of junk,

we had our hearts
full of memories,

enough to last forever.

I can't think of a better
investment.

There is a problem though,
captain.

I've been running up some bills
on shipboard,

and I don't have the money
to pay them.

Oh.

That is a problem.

I was doing all right.
I was doing fine.

I had plenty of money
till I bought that diamond ring.

The minute
I saw that diamond ring,

I knew Betsy had to have it.

Does she know?

Oh, no.
No, she must never know.

That's what I was hoping
you could help me with.

I hoped that maybe I could pay
it off a little bit at a time.

I suppose arrangements
could be made.

No write-off, captain.
I want to pay every dime.

I just want to know that
when I look at that diamond,

I know it's clear and clean.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry for the trouble
I've caused you,

after you being so nice to us
and all.

I can imagine
what you must think of me.

Gopher?

Sir?

I want you to reassign

Mr. and Mrs. Laurwin's table
to someone else

and find two places for them
at my table.

They'll be my special guests.

Yes, sir.

You're not going to keep me out
of this celebration.

And if anyone ever asks why
we call this "the love boat,"

I'm gonna tell them about
a certain two passengers

we once had aboard

who made the meaning
of the words very, very clear.

Thank you, captain.
Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, are you the doc?

Uh, yes.
Hi, can I help you?

You see, doc, we would like
to discuss with you --

how would you call it? --

frustration due to lack
of fulfillment.

It ain't us, doc.
We are totally fulfilled people.

Yeah, right.

But let us suppose there was
this honeymoon couple

who was havin' these problems.

Oh, I see --
a hypothetical couple.

Hypo-what?

Uh, make-believe.

What's their problem?

Well, the party of the first
part, the alleged groom,

is not meetin' up
with his conjugal duties.

Yeah, we have been guiding
this said groom,

urging him along the road
to honeymoonism.

I see.

Well, it's very decent of you
to show concern.

However, it's possible for him
to mistake this concern

for pressure,

and too much pressure
can inhibit a man's libido.

Oh, I wouldn't want
to do that...

Whatever that is.

Sounds to me like what's needed
is a little less pressure

and a little more romance.

Romance! Yeah, yeah!

Gentleman,
this is the love boat.

Just let them soak up some
of this romantic atmosphere.

You'll see.
He'll be a new man.

That's right.
Thanks, doc.

Come on, Ben.

We got an appointment
with cupid.

Oh, what a glorious evening.

Imagine having dinner
at the captain's table.

Wait till she lays that one
on her sister.

No, really, captain.

We can't thank you enough
for this wonderful evening.

It's my pleasure.
It's an honor to have you here.

Besides, I wanted
miss stoddard to meet you both.

Well, I've enjoyed it.

And I just love your ring.

I've been staring at it
all through dinner.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Now, young lady, I think it's
time you and I had our talk.

All right?

If you'll all excuse us.

Certainly.

Stoddard: Good night.

Good night.

Doc: Good night.

It is a beauty, isn't it?

Wait a minute.

That doesn't look like
the diamond.

That stone wasn't nearly
this large.

It's just your imagination.

No, he's right.
It is bigger.

Doc: Gopher!

I saw them
in the store window.

The diamond is smaller.

It's a phony!

If there's been a mistake,
I'm sure it can be rectified.

Wait till I get my hands --

Gordon, wait!

If you'll excuse me,
there's something I have to do.

Fling myself overboard.

Wait.
I'll help you.

Gordon --
Gordon, don't go.

Don't you try to stop me,
Betsy.

She probably felt
we were such old fossils

we wouldn't even notice
the difference.

She tried to pull a fast one.

No, Gordon.

She didn't pull the fast one.

I pulled the fast one.

I exchanged the ring.

You did?

But why?

'Cause you're the most wonderful
husband in the world.

You know, when you love a man,
you get to know him.

I knew it wasn't like you
to charge things.

Hmm.

I figured that buying the ring
had used up our money,

so I exchanged it for this

and paid the bills
with the difference.

I always wanted you
to have a diamond --

a real diamond.

For 30 years I wanted a diamond
more than anything,

but now...
This is the ring I want,

because every time
I look at it,

it will remind me of all
the things you did

to make this cruise and my life
so full of wondrous things.

It will always mean more to me
than any diamond ever could.

Okay?

Okay.

And I like cartoons
and comic books and my dolls

and Walt Disney movies
and...Um --

oh, yeah, I hate boys,
and I think twinkies are yummy.

Is that enough?

Well, it's enough of that.

Oh, come on, Vicki,
tell me what you really like.

The captain, the crew,
the ship.

Can I level?

I want you to.

Then how about if I take back
the part about liking twinkies?

Personally, I love them.

[ Sighs ]
You mean I blew it again?

[ Chuckles ] Vicki,
you're not blowing anything.

I just have to find out if
you're happy...Living like this.

All I know is how unhappy I'd be
if I had to live any other way

or anywhere else.

I mean, without the captain.

I love him so much.

Why can't I just give him
custody of myself?

I'm afraid
it's just not that simple.

Then would you consider
a bribe?

Oh, Vicki.

Come on. Come on.

Hello. Hello.

Just sit down
right over here.

Right this way, please.

I have a big surprise
for you.

Ralph, I hope
this isn't gonna take long.

Honey, just indulge me.

The surprise is gonna be very
pleasurable, I assure you.

Excuse me.

[ Whistles ]

[ Violins play ]

Is this romantic, huh?

Very.

Be still my foolish heart.

It's enough to stir the savage
in any red-blooded man.

Hear! Hear!

Now a toast
to the beautiful bride

on a night meant for love.

Oh, gee,
those poor kids.

They haven't been alone
for a second.

They wouldn't happen to be
honeymooners, would they?

Yeah.

They've been joined at the hip
by those two neanderthals.

I wish there was some way
we could help.

Maybe medical science
can supply the answer.

Hmm?

[ Applause ]

Boy,
it's been a long day, huh?

Time to go to bed, Mark.

Yeah, why don't we all
hit the sack?

Gentleman, excuse me.

May I speak to you
for just a moment?

It's very important.

Uh, that young man
you were sitting with,

is he the hypothetical
honeymooner?

Yeah, why?

You didn't tell me about his
sad eyes, his lack of energy.

He's generally morose.

His problem's not just
psychological.

There's a very real reason
for his lagging libido.

He is suffering
from hormonal poo-poo politis.

Poo-poo po-what?

Poo-poo politis.

It kills the male drive.
It's highly contagious.

Contagious?

How long have you been exposed
to him?

Counting the courtship --
m-maybe a year.

Why, doc?

Can you touch the tip of your
nose with your tongues?

I knew it.

You've suffered considerable
loss of tongue extension.

What are you sayin'?

You mean
we got the poo-poop?

Well, there's still a chance
of reversal,

but prolonged exposure to the
carrier can only make it worse.

You're only hope --
no, even then I --

what?

What?

Tell us, doc!

Your only hope is
to stay away from him.

We wouldn't go near him.

But you're in the next cabin,
aren't you?

Well, not anymore.

We'll get our blankets.
We'll sleep on deck.

Good. You've made
a very wise decision.

Vicki, how did it go?

[ Crying ]
I ruined everything.

I got panicky
and fell apart.

There, there, there.

It's not that bad.

Are they going to take me away
from you?

Vicki...

It's all my fault.

Everyone tried so hard
to help me,

and I wouldn't listen.

[ Sighs ]
Baby, baby, baby.

Don't give up hope.

Haven't you?

Teri...

I love you.

Mm.

Ralphie: Come on!
Move it! Move it!

Ben: Grab those blankets!

Okay, I've had it!
They are leaving!

Okay,
I want you out of here!

Okay!

You got it!

That's great
'cause I'm tired --

yeah, two seconds,
we're out of here.

Just don't come any closer,
okay?

And stay out or else!

Well, she should be by
any minute now.

Well, what's it all about?

All I know is
she wanted to see all of us.

We'll be getting in
tomorrow morning,

and I guess she's gonna give us
the verdict.

Did she give any indication?

That lady is ice.

Captain merrill,
you're not gonna let her --

if I hadn't come up zilch,
blubbering and sniffling.

I blew it.

No, Vicki, you didn't blow it.
We all did.

[ Knock on door ]

Susan, come in.

Captain.

[ Clears throat ]

Well...

I won't mince words.

I want you to know
the decision I've made and why.

I think we can probably
all guess at that, Susan.

Her schoolwork is much
too heavy.

Her recreation is like training
for the Olympics.

Most important --
her environment.

It's too unbalanced...

Too one-sided.

She doesn't spend much time
mixing with the passengers.

I'm not talking about them.
I'm talking about you --

all of you.

Us?

That's right.

What do you mean, us?

You are too perfect --

strait-laced...

Prudish.

You, captain,
are the soul of integrity.

I most assuredly am not the soul
of integrity.

I second that.

I resent that
"perfect character" business.

And I certainly am not
strait-laced or prudish.

Well, you all could have fooled
me, but you didn't.

I saw through your charade
from the beginning.

No, not you, captain,
but the rest of your crew.

You did lay it on a bit thick.

But that only proved to me
how much you all love Vicki,

how much you'd do,

how far you'd go to help
the captain keep her.

Is she saying
she's on our side?

All the way.

Oh, great!

All right!

Captain, I am sending in
the strongest recommendation

I've ever written

for a girl who's gonna have
not one parent, but five --

all of them loving,
caring people.

Vicki,
you are one lucky lady.

Captain merrill,
does this mean

I can officially
call you dad?

Aw!

That's wonderful!

Next time don't scare us
like that.

Thank you.

Well, don't wait 30 years
to come cruising again.

We'll try not to.

Okay, goodbye.

Thanks for everything.

Thank you so much.

Well, your sister's probably
down there someplace

waiting to meet us.

And she's probably wearing
her mink jacket.

If she should ask about this,
tell her it's a real diamond.

Betsy!

Well, if she's gonna "mink" me,
I'm gonna "diamond" her.

[ Laughs ]

Just keep movin'!
Come on! Scram!

From here on, your security will
be in my hands.

I'll take it.

Goodbye,
miss stoddard.

I hope
you'll come back.

I just might
do that,

but next time it'll
be for pleasure.

I personally
guarantee it.

Of course, if you
prefer a younger man...

Again,
my gratitude.

Goodbye for now.

Miss stoddard!

Hmm?

If there's ever anything
I can do for you...

Well, now, come to think of it,
you did offer me a bribe.

Huh?

Mm-hmm.

All right, name it --
anything in the world.