All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S02E14.720p.HDTV.x264-GalaxyTV

- We own a house.
- Mm-hmm.

- This is insane.

- Technically, we own
crippling massive debt.

- That we get to live inside.
- Mm-hmm.

- Come on, be excited.
- Oh, I'm very excited,

I'm also just,
like, a little bit hungover.

- Yes, anytime Ennis DJ's,
you go too hard.

- I had to--sold!
- Sold!

But, when this freeloader
gets here, we're probably gonna

have to be homebodies
for a couple of months.

- Yeah, that's true.
- Mm.

- But we can still
host dinner parties.

Mm-hmm.

Shall I carry you over
the threshold, my love?

No, I'll just go in.

Look at all the space.
Like...

We finally have a working oven.

- Mm. The question is

what do you want to do
with the spare room, hmm?

Before your first
baby, you have a certain

naïve optimism
about parenthood.

You think you can anticipate

what your new life
will be like.

But, like the size
of the universe,

or pushing a turkey
through a lime-sized hole,

some things are hard
to imagine.

So you make plans,
blissfully unaware

of how things
are going to change.

- Well, the first thing
is we need to prepare

- for the homebirth.
- Mm-hmm.

- I don't care if the rest
of this place

looks like a stadium bathroom
at intermission,

I need that room
to feel just so peaceful

and serene and...

I just want him or her
to come into this world

and feel...

- Is that next door?
- Yeah, I don't know.

It feels too loud
to be next door.

- I can't remember
what I was saying.

- Uh, um, uh, your, um,
you giving birth.

- Thank you. Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

- I just--I want this baby
to feel welcome.

- Mm-hmm.
- And--I'm sorry.

- Yes.
- If there's a window open,

we have to close it.

I'm gonna check this side.

- Oh, oh, oh, hey, hey,
uh, can I help you not

exert your body too much?
- I'm not exerting myself.

I'm just making this room
ready for a beautiful birth.

- I think--I think maybe
that's, enough of that.

Why don't you just tell me
what you need done around here?

- The sockets on this wall
don't work.

- Mm-hmm.
- And we still don't have

hot water.

- Mm-hmm.
- You could help me

drag this box across the floor.

- Yes. I will drag a box
to the ends of the earth

for you, my love.
- Okay.

Right on, holy crap.

Oh, that's Taylor.
My brother will help us.

Taylor, up here!
- Oh.

- He's gonna fix everything.
- Okay.

- There he is. Yup.
- There he is.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
how was the drive?

- Oh, not too bad,
until I got to the city,

where everyone drives
like an idiot.

- Hi, Taylor.
- Oh, take it easy

on the donuts there, officer.

- Uh... look it--I'm not gonna
go buck wild with the, uh,

spray foam
in the basement there.

- All right. Sounds like
you could use

a little bit of supervision
down there, eh?

- Well, you could supervise
a six-pack from the beer store.

- Right on.
- Right on.

I'm gonna go to Dawn's
and pick something up

and then I'm gonna meet the
midwife, so I'll see you later?

- Okay. That sounds good.

Right on.

Midwife? Is that like
another half wife?

How'd you manage that?

Dawn?

Just a second.

- Mom? What are you doing here?

Baby shower.

- That's not for you.

- I was wondering
when this was gonna happen.

- I've been waiting
for you to tell me

if it's a boy or a girl.
- Mom, we don't know.

It's gonna be a baby.
Isn't that enough?

- I had to buy
yellow baby clothes.

Yellow. I hope you're happy.

- Yes, I'm very happy.
I love free stuff.

Is Dawn here?
- No, she had to take

Corey to a music lesson.

Imagine a baby singing?

- Um, she has that
maroon blanket

that we had
when we were kids

and I'd love to use it
for the home birth.

- Home birth.
You're gonna have your baby

on an old blanket
like a golden retriever?

They have clean sheets
at the hospital, FYI.

- Mom, you know giving birth
predates hospitals, right?

- Yeah, well, you know what
else predates hospitals?

Dying from accidents.

All right.
The shower's at 2:00.

Get out of here before you spoil
everything for Dawn.

You know how she loves
surprises.

- Isn't the surprise for me?

- It's for your daughter.

- We don't know.

So we actually--

we actually don't know.

- Yellow.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Expert opinion,
how awesome is my house?

- It's a dump.
- It's a--it's a...

- Yeah, the breaker box
is a mess,

the roof's derpy, and only
one bathroom? Stupid.

- Yeah.

I guess I would love
another bathroom down here

so I could, uh, you know,
throw up right now.

- Whatever, Trevor, you got
four walls and the big smoke.

Houses like this are just
gonna increase in value.

- You're fine.
- It can't happen forever.

I mean, then no one
will be able to afford a house.

- Well, exactly.
That's why we should

put all our money into this.

- It's an empty field.

- It can be our empty field.

- Remember the dream?
- Oh, your subdivision thing?

- This is the perfect spot
for it.

Look, look, look.

I'll hire the crews.
I'll manage the sites.

You source materials,

do all that nerdy
number stuff, together,

we'll slap up
as many house as we can

legally cram in there and,

bam, millionaires, bud.

- You still wanna do that, eh?

- Hell, yeah!

When Dad died,

I spent a long time
fixing up the house,

getting it ready for sale.

I loved it, bud.

Loved it. I'm my own boss.

You got to give that a try.

Ooh, wait,
saved you something here.

- Oh, my God.

Oh my, the secret socket.

Everything we plugged in
turned to magic.

- Had razors put hair
on your face...

- Yeah.
- ...and the stereo made Mom

stop yelling.

- Mostly because we're...
- Because we're...

- Metallica.
- Metallica. Yeah.

- Well, I saved it
from the house.

Thought you might wanna put it

in your kid's room.

All right, look, do you wanna go
see this field or what?

- Yeah. Let's do it.
All right. Let's do it.

Let's do it, bud.
All right.

Uh, I got to pick up
a check first.

- Right on.
- All right. Right on.

- All right.

- Hey, Mr. Jones?

- Can I help you?
- Hey, hi. I'm just--sorry.

- I was looking for Mr. Jones?
- I'm the new Mr. Jones.

The old one didn't have a spine
or allies in the company.

- Ah. Good riddance.

I'm just joking.
I don't give a care.

I was a temp here.

And I just came
for my last check.

- Your last check

or your first of many to come?

- Hmm.

- Have a seat, James.

- You know my name.

- I'm helping the VP
of distribution build an A-team

and I could use
a hard worker like you

who has no existing loyalties.

- Uh, well, that sounds weird.
But I, uh...

- I am starting my own business.
- What business?

- Oh, my brother and I
grew up in a small town--

- Skip that part.
- Subdivision homes,

it's something we've been
dreaming about.

- That's not you.
You're not a dreamer.

- I'm sorry?

- You're more of a doer.

And a fledgling grocery chain

is a place of chaos
and opportunity for doers

to get their hands dirty.

I smell dirty hands, James.
- No, no, just used

the vanilla lotion
in the staff bathroom.

These guys smell
like soft serve.

So, if I could just get
that last check?

- We offer stability
and great benefits.

Something an expectant father
might need.

- Wait. Okay, seriously,

how do you know that?

- Oh, we own any email
or internet searches

you make on company computers.

You have 48 hours

to decide your fate.

- Thank you very much.

- Forty-eight hours.
- Okay.

♪ Baby, baby
baby, baby, baby... ♪

- So how excited were you?

- I'm still trying
to catch my breath.

- Oh, I love a good surprise.

I was so worried
I was gonna spoil it

and I have enough stress
right now.

- Oh, is baby Corey a handful?

- Oh, no. He's perfect.

Hundredth percentile
for empathy.

It's my work.

They want me to fire someone.

- Well, just tell Mom he's fired
and that it's a secret.

She'll do the rest.

What?

- Who wants to guess

what kind of chocolate bar
this is?

- Oh, I'm in.

- Hey, Mom.
Are any of my friends coming?

- Not everything
is about you, Beta.

- What is it?
- Hey, congratulations.

Oh, thanks, Bo.

I mean, I haven't had
the baby yet, but...

- Yeah, I heard your finances
came through,

you old piece of crap.

Who are your vendors?

No way. You bastard.

No. No way.
- Tell us, Astrid.

At what hospital
will you be delivering?

- I'm--I'm actually
doing a homebirth.

- What if something goes wrong?

Or a burglar breaks in?
- To my vagina?

- It's not too late to have
your baby at the hospital, Beta,

the smart, safe, clean way.

- I'm sorry.
Is this an intervention?

- I see both sides.

The hospital is cleaner
and safer.

But your home feels more worn in
and comfortable,

like an old slipper.

- My home is totally safe

and beautiful and serene.

And, yes, we have wood rot
in the back porch.

But we're having our baby
the way we wanna have our baby.

And if you don't like it,

don't be involved.

Oh, do you need...

- Yes, I know. I'm just trying
to storm out.

There.
Goodbye.

- It's even emptier
than the photos.

- Right? We can put 40,
50 houses in here easy.

- Yeah.
- Why is it for sale?

- Some idiot wanted to build

a Jason Bourne theme park.

- Where you
and your family have to piece

together why you're there?

- I didn't see the movies.
Too, uh, thinky.

Anyway, I guess it fell through

and we're next in line
but we got to move on it.

- What's radon?

It says elevated levels
of radon thing.

- What's that?
- It's nothing.

I deal with it all the time.

- What is it though?
- Just radioactive gas.

- It's-it's-it's...
- Don't go getting James on me.

- ...radioactive gas?

- You know what else
is radioactive?

Bananas, did you know that?
No, you didn't.

Lots of stuff
is radioactive, James.

It's not enough
to make you sick,

but it's enough
to lower the price.

Look. I got my half
of Dad's house money

ready to put down.

- Well, my half is stuck
in my derpy house.

- It's a cash cow.
I already told you.

You just got
to borrow against it.

- I got to talk to Astrid.

- Why? It's your money
from Dad's house.

Look, you and me...

we make a good team, bud.

You and me...

this is gonna set you up.

It's gonna set your kid up.

We can make this happen.

You got to jump with me.

You ready to jump with me?

Uh-oh.

Come on.

Let's do some jumping.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

Heck yeah! Great, man.

- Did you say "right on"
or "radon?"

- Ha!

- Hey. You need any help
smashing stuff?

- It's gonna be the most
frickin' beautiful birth ever.

- Yeah, I can feel
the soothing energy right now.

- This baby is gonna swim out
into this beautiful pool

and love us so freakin' much

because we are never gonna judge
his or her choices.

- I agree.

Thanks for always
having my back.

- Mm-hmm.
- Smoothie tastes like shirts.

- Yeah, that's the Swiss chard.

It's actually masking
a bunch of worse tastes.

- I hope this baby
inherits your kindness.

- Hmm.

I hope they inherit
your parallel parking skills.

And also your heart.

Do you know what radon is?

- Oh, kicks.

When you're pregnant,
you don't really know

who or what you're in for.

It's like an app
that you download for free

only to find that
it has in-app purchases

and a lifetime
subscription fee.

You skip over
the terms and conditions

because you're excited
for the app

but later on, you're shocked
by what you've agreed to.

And as the app ages,
it just takes up more

and more space
until it threatens

to destroy your whole
operating system.

But somehow,
it still won't stop you

from downloading
another one.

Yup. What?
Did you say, uh, another one?

How great are we? Hmm?

Can you believe there's gonna
be three of us soon?

I think it's the perfect number.

- Hmm.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

I didn't realize you're
already moved in.

I've been using your bin
for the last month

for my extra garbage.

- You just put that
in recycling.

- Pretty sure
the city sorts it out.

- Nope.
- Don't give birth about it.

- Oh, are you, uh,

delivering at St. Joe's?

- Oh, no, homebirth.

- Oh.

- Yeah, I don't trust doctors.

They're all like,
"Don't drink coffee

and don't go in a hot tub
and don't eat soft cheese."

Like get your hands off my body,
the government.

- Wow.
- Homebirth is fine.

- Yes, exactly. Thank you.
- Yeah,

unless you hemorrhage,

or your baby's breech,

or you're just--your midwife
gets into a car accident

or you hit your head and then go
unconscious, you know.

I've already had two
at home though,

so it was fine.
- Right.

- Cooper! Wait for Mommy.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- James?
- Hello.

- I know.
- This is cray-cray.

- Yeah. I--
- You got your own place.

- Yeah, I don't know
what's going on.

Seriously.
You know how often

I'm gonna come by here
and just pass out?

- I got you a gift.
- Oh. Oh, my God.

- A PS4, man?
- Uh, actually,

it's, uh, my old PS3 in the box

for my new PS4 that I just got
to go with my 3DTV.

- Quick question,
how much does a DJ make?

- Ah, mostly we get paid
in drink tickets

and life experience.
- So your dad paid for all that?

- Yeah, my dad's trying
to bribe me to stop DJing.

He's threatening to cut me off
with just the condo

and the stock options
if I don't have a business plan.

- Hmm.
Really cracking that whip.

- Yeah, but I have
a business plan.

Five nights a week,
bartending at Insomnia,

plus I teach a scratching class
at the Learning Annex.

Business planned.
- I gotta business plan too,

with my brother, though,
it's not gonna make any money

for the first few years
and honestly,

I'm not sure it's ever gonna
make any money

and I have a baby coming.

- Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey,

- you know what you just did?
- Mm-hmm?

- You just described
every great success story.

And failure, I guess.

You really covered
a lot of ground there.

I don't know
what I'm doing.

Maybe we shouldn't be
making plans

where it's 50% chance
of it going well.

Maybe we should just start
playing it safe, you know?

We should grow up.

♪ It's not... ♪

♪ What you thought ♪

♪ When you first began it ♪

♪ You got... ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ Now you can hardly stand it ♪

♪ Though by now you know ♪

♪ It's not going to stop ♪

♪ It's not going to stop ♪

♪ It's not... ♪

- ♪ Going to stop ♪
- ♪ Going to stop ♪

- ♪ Till you wise up ♪
- ♪ Till you wise up ♪

- ♪ No, it's not... ♪
- ♪ No, it's not... ♪

- ♪ Going to stop... ♪
- ♪ Going to stop... ♪

- ♪ Till you wise up ♪
- ♪ Till you wise up ♪

- Mind if I slink in sheepishly?

- No need to slink, dear.

It's your body, your baby.

I have opinions, you know that.

- We have
your baby shower gifts.

- I have your air pump.

I'm not gonna need it
because I'm not doing

the stupid homebirth.

- Well, if it makes
you feel better,

things go wrong
at the hospital too.

- Mom, pick a side.

- Okay. Open your gift now.

I can't wait to see
the look on your face.

- Astrid, did you pull
your back?

My friend Bonnie
had a Great Dane

who thought he was a lap dog

and now she has to use
a scooter.

- Astrid, do you want me
to open the gift?

- I think I'm having
a contraction.

- Oh.

- Take me
to the nearest hospital

or laboratory
or birth factory, I guess.

- No, we are not going
to the hospital, Astrid.

You had a plan.
You researched it.

You set it up and now
we are gonna go through

with it, right, Mom?
- What?

No.

Okay, fine, whatever.

But I am calling an ambulance

if that midwife shows up
high on pot.

- What? Mom.

So I'm gonna quickly
go through the property survey.

You're gonna hear
the word "radiation" a lot.

But as we discussed, it's radon

and at perfectly normal levels.

- Yeah, the more
I hear the word "normal,"

the more I feel like it isn't.
- Yeah. You know what else

is normal? You worrying
about stuff, you just let me do

- the worrying.
- Well, you're not worried.

- Yeah, well, the previous owner
was concerned

about a buildup of radon in his

"Bourne Ultimatum
House of Mirrors."

That's not how radon works.

- It's totally safe.
We got those radon detectors.

- Which your houses
would be required to have.

- What? Okay, can we just--

Taylor, there's got
to be better options than this.

- You know who you sound like?
- Don't.

Dad never rushed into anything.

- Dad never did anything.
Look where it got him.

You want your kids
working nights in junior high?

- No.
- No. No, you don't.

- Give me the--hey,
give me the phone back, please.

- No.
- That could be Astrid.

- Give me the phone back.
- Oh, so she can tell you

how to spend your money?
Who wears the pants, James?

- We share the pants.
That's how it works.

We each take a leg
and then we discuss

where we wanna go together.

That's what I love about it.

- Uh, you said you were in.

I've organized my whole life
around this, buddy.

- I'm just saying this
is a very big risk for me.

I'm having a baby, man.

- It's the stupidest mistake
you ever made knocking her up.

- Yeah, this kind of
a disagreement

is totally normal
in this situation.

- I'm taking the phone.
- No.

No.

Frig-off, James.

- Frig right off.
- Give me--give me...

- You mess this up
and you and me are done.

- We were done the second
you brought up Astrid.

You're more toxic
than this field, bud.

- Which, for the record,
is not that toxic!

All right.

Oh, my God.

Breathe.

- Blow. Blow.
- The music is connected

to my Bluetooth headset
instead of my Bluetooth speaker,

it's so annoying.

- Where are
the receiving blankets?

- The, um, uh, the box
marked "due date."

- The last one
was six minutes ago.

- We have music.

I'm just going to plug this in.

Now you wanna do this

in darkness?

It's starting to feel
like a... occult ritual.

- Look at me. Look at me.
- Okay. Really?

Okay. Will do.

The midwife said your
contractions are too irregular.

So, it's either Braxton Hicks
or gas.

- Oh, okay. Well...

sorry to disappoint everyone.

I feel like
I'm a vending machine

that failed to dispense
your corn chips.

- Ooh, speaking of snacks.

Do you wanna get coffee at that,

uh, Roncy Croissoncy place?
- Oh, yeah. Snacks.

- Mm-hmm. Okay. Bye.
- Okay. You're good.

- Yeah, there's a lot
to unpack here.

This isn't what I signed up for.

- We got it, Bo.

- Okay.

How are you feeling?

- Pregnant.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- How are you?

What are you going to do
about your brother?

- Uh, I think, uh...
us and the field are done

and we might be done, too.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

- You wanna talk about it?

Uh...

- Right. Well, um...

I have my maternity leave money.

But we may need
to take out a second mortgage

to cover the first mortgage.

- I'll figure something out.

Your 48 hours are up.

- Well, if the offer
still stands, I'd love the job.

- I have a plan, James,

and you are
a very special part of it.

- Great, thank you.

- Is it now? Later?
- Nope. That's not--

When we said--
no, just remember--

Marla, I have a friend.

- Sure. He can be a part
of my plan, too.

- Just sure--like that?

I mean, it kind of takes away
the specialness

of what we just--

his only experience is a DJ.

- Are you sure you--
- Hey, what's up?

Um, I have a resume.

I mean, not here obviously.

- Can you both start Monday?

- Try and stop us.
- No doubt.

Oh, I do captain
a dodge ball team.

We play Wednesdays. That
shouldn't be a problem, right?

You can't possibly
know what you're getting into

when you have that first baby.

You're adding
a person to your life

and people
are pretty unpredictable.

And you can't
be ready for the emotions
you'll feel,

the love, the panic,

the fear, the frustrations,
the laughter.

Because kids
are weirder,

funnier, grosser,
more exhausting,

more beautiful
than you can ever imagine.

But if you've got
the right partner,

you'll be ready for anything.

he's asleep now.

- He's all tuckered out.
- Oh, he's so peaceful.

- Mm-hmm.
- Look at him.

- He's breathing, right?
- Yes.

He was just awake, right?

- I'm gonna wake him up.
- There, there, right there,

right there.
His little tummy moved.

Yes. We're great parents.

- We're crushing it.
- Oh.

Should we unpack
the last of the boxes?

- I'd actually like to see
a breath myself

- just to verify.
- Okay. Yeah, no, no.

- I'm gonna wake him up.
- Wake him up. Wake him up.

♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything
kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything
kids ruin everything... ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ That children
ruin everything ♪

♪ Na, na, na
na, na, na, na, thing ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this... ♪