All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S02E03.720p.HDTV.x264-GalaxyTV

- Astrid. I like your shoes.

- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, you look tired.

- There it is.
Well, Mom, I am tired.

And my day isn't even half over

because after I put the children
I made to bed,

I have to prepare a report
for the children I work with.

- Oh, someone's feeling old.

You're young still.

Maybe start using an eye serum.

Everybody Astrid works with

has some sort of
social media side hustle.

Like, there's this one guy
who does ASMR videos on Cameo.

- My friend Vicky's husband got
an earring in his you-know-what.

- What? Mom, ASMR not S and M.

This is Jean-Luc,
my boss.

Your boss?

His eyes look amazing.

Oh, bittu,
you have school in thirty.

- I can't find my goggles.

- Why do you need goggles?

Are those my underwear?

- We're doing a skit
for history.

My friend had to be
an ancient guy.

- Someone else wore these?

Being a parent can be
embarrassing.

- The toilet has blood.

- Someone's butt is bleeding.
- Ugh! Gross.

Sometimes
it's downright mortifying.

- Hooray!

Your mother's menstrual cycle
has returned for the first time

since becoming pregnant
with baby Andrew.

- Mom, please.
- What?

It's wonderful.

James, I'm assuming
you're getting a vasectomy now?

What's a vasectomy?

- It's a completely normal,
regular, safe procedure.

- All daddies have a baby
factory in their body.

- Oh!
- Ah!

- What?
- A vasectomy

snips the road
out of the factory

so the little guys
can't get out.

- So you're leaving them
in there to die?

You'd think you'd get
used to the humiliation,

but the variety
of awkward situations

really keeps it fresh.

- What are the guys' names?
- Hmm.

What do you mean
you have five sugars in there.

- Yeah, I have five sugar packs,

and then I put
a shot of vanilla.

Five sugar packs?

- It's almost ten o'clock.

I was about to issue
an Amber Alert.

- Everything's okay.
- We're just very late.

Actually, I was here on time

because I waited
outside for Jean-Luc.

- No, I was at the coffee shop.

That's why I text you "JA VA."

Oh, see,
and I thought you meant Je va,

which is French for "I go."
- I see.

There, I see.

- What a mix up!

- Anyway, while I was
at work just now,

I solved the transportation
budgeting issue.

- Oh, I actually already
took care of that.

- You what--what? You did what?

- Yeah, I just asked
Public Works

to accelerate
some of the construction

projects going on
in the East End

so that we could redistribute

the streetcars
around the stadium.

- Boom. Yeah.
- Nice.

- That's actually a great idea.

- I messaged you on Insta.

- Why didn't you just email me?

- I didn't know your preference.

- It's email. My work email.
- Okay.

- Hmm.
- Wait.

When did you guys
even talk about this?

- Yesterday?
- Yeah.

- We went for sushi tacos, which
we know you can't eat, so...

- When I was pregnant.

If you haven't noticed,

I haven't been pregnant
in four months,

so I can eat sushi.

I can eat it all the time.

I can eat as much sushi
as I want.

I can--I--I--I can guzzle raw
fish like a freaking sea lion.

- Noted. Yeah.
- Wow...

- Yeah.

Your surgery's
Saturday, right?

How about Raptors next Sunday?

I got a line
to some great tickets.

We just got to go in through
the maintenance entrance,

and one of us
has a dress like we work there.

- Heard about your
va-va-vasectomy, James.

- Wai--wait, what? How?

- Ennis texted me.

- Okay, well, it's fine.

Also private.

- Nonsense.
- You are trading in your manhood

to finally commit full time
to Baggie's Buys.

- I had to put a bit
of a spin on it.

No, no. Not--
not trading in anything.

Also, still very committed
to my family.

- But no more new distractions.

Kudos.

- This weekend, I'm just
going to lay down on the couch

and catch up on movies.
Gonna watch The Shape of Water.

- You've never seen one
of the twenty-first century's

greatest cinematic treasures?

- I kind of missed most of
the movies from 2017 to now.

- A mute cleaning lady?

A top-secret fish man.

It is a story of love
that you have to see

if you're still interested
in love

in your... condition.

- I will not be made
to feel shame.

- Hey, you do want to take
your recovery very seriously,

because a friend of mine
from dodge ball

took a howitzer in the nards

and it kind of reattached
his vas deferens?

- Wha--is that
medically possible?

- I guess the ball
just hit his junk so hard

that it sort of fused the whole
situation back together

and he became a full man again.

Not that you're not a full man.

You--you'd be a full man still

if you had the--
you know what I mean?

It's full, all man.

You're all man.

- Just some super chill,
laid-back cupcakes to be like,

"Hey, y'all, sorry for freaking
out before, or whatever.

- Everybody has emotional days.

I don't think you need
to apologize for your...

you know...

- Period, James?

I didn't say "period."

Not that
I'm afraid to say "period."

I just know
that your emotional outburst

was about something else.

Period.

Full stop.

- My emotional outburst...

- Yeah.

...is because I'm frustrated
with them.

- They screw around at work, and
then they do work over lunch,

and everybody's really smart,
but nobody tries hard.

And I just feel like...

I just don't see how
I fit in there.

- I think that you are
a genius...

who smells very nice...

and makes very good cupcakes.

- Thank you.

You're right about me.
- Mm.

- That is who I am.

Did everyone keep talking about
your procedure at work?

Oh! Yeah, no,

it calmed down after lunch,

but, uh, only because
Beth had a bad burrito

and that took over
the news cycle.

Although apparently,
if I don't take it,

like, super easy,
my vas deferens can reconnect.

- That's a male conspiracy
to spend a day on the couch.

- Mm, pamphlet says two days,
but if I heal properly,

then you never have to
give birth again!

Sorry, that didn't mean
for that to sound so emphatic.

It's, uh, it's so sad
that we're totally done

and never gonna have
more children.

Right?

You look amazing,
but you're only eating meat?

Only meat, no veggies.

Makes sense.

Astrid!
- Hi.

- Vibe check?

- Good vibes, good vibes.
- Oh!

- Yeah!
- Rainbow sprinkles.

- Yeah, sorry about, you know,
the raw fish thing.

I think it just kind of hit
a nerve.

- Mmm.

- Astrid I feel really bad
about the other day.

- The whole sushi stitch.
- Yeah.

- But we are going
to Snack Bar on Saturday

and you should totally join us.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I heard great things,
but I can't

because my husband's
having surgery.

- Oh.

- Well, this is amazing. So...

Oh, good. Yeah, the
recipes from this baking show.

Do you guys watch Cake Idiots?

- I think it's kind of mean
to call people idiots.

- No, it's fair.

They get, like,
the dumbest people.

Yeah, one cake was so idiotic,
I took a picture of the TV.

Oh, hey, you checked my TikTok?

- Ahh! No, wait. What?
- No likes or comments.

- Sorry. This phone's just,
like, really choppy.

Yeah, that's where it is.

- Oh, no, no, man, stop! Stop!
- Oh!

- Oh, that's a picture
of my son's diaper.

He's just having a bit
of a gastric, you know...thing.

So, you're
here of your own volition?

- Yes. Are you?

On a Saturday?

- So you wore two pairs
of underwear

and you shaved your testes?

- Yes.
- Uh-huh.

- I'm more nervous
than I thought.

- Oh, you're going to be fine.

Hop on up there, boss.

- Okay.
- Oh, lower the sails.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Okay.

Oh, right, Uh, yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Sorry, I shoulda--shoulda--okay.

Hmm.

Go...

Okay.

So, the Leafs, they are
looking spectacular this year.

I'm just gonna apply
a little freezing...

I'm j--more of
a baseball man, so...

- Here we go. Just relax.
- Yeah.

- Mr. Bernie...
- Uh...

- Your car is parked too close
to another vehicle

and they can't get out.

- You're supposed to park
between the lines, pal.

But that's something

I could take care of later.

- I can re-park it for you.
- Mm-hmm.

But my keys are in my pocket.
- Okay, don't.

I'll get 'em. I got 'em.
- Yeah...

Well...

Gonna check the other side here.

Let me try over here.

There we go.
- Thank you.

- Now, where were we?

Yeah.

- Can you feel me
pinching your scrotum?

- No?

- How about if I do this?
- Do what?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Great. Here we go.

Just relax.

- Yeah.

What--so, what--
what is the recovery like?
Can you tell me?

- You must rest
for forty-eight hours,

so no strenuous activity,
wink-wink.

Mm-hmm.

- Don't have sex and masturbate.

- Don't have sex or masturbate.

- No--
- Okay.

- Yeah, I'm--I'm just going to
plop myself down on the couch,

watch Shape of Water.
- Oh, nice.

Revisiting a modern classic.

- Well, I haven't
seen it actually.

- Oh, everybody's seen it.

- Have you had
this procedure done?

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no,
yeah, it's not for me.

- Are we eating
those for dinner?

- No, these are just
for Daddy's crotch.

There's no reason
why we shouldn't eat them,

but I understand why we won't.

- Do you have to sit
on that forever?

- Uh, this?

No, no, buddy,
I'm going to be fine.

Don't--don't worry.

- I'm not worried.

I'm doing a speech on your
surgery for English class.

- Okay. Do you, uh,
need any information?

- No, I'm okay.

- Yeah, okay.
Just say whatever you want.

Listen, I want to talk to you
about something. Okay?

I need you to take over
some of Daddy's responsibilities

for the next couple of days.

Like locking the door,

uh, making sure
that the lights are off

when no one's using them.

- Why me?

- Because you're
the oldest, buddy.

You're like the captain
of the children.

That comes
with a little responsibility,

but also some privileges, so...

- I can stay up until midnight.

- No, let's bring it down.

But you can borrow
Daddy's headphones

and listen to stories.

- Yes! Deal.
- Deal.

- Morris is still sleeping.

- Yeah. Okay.
Well, he'll wake up eventually.

Also, his name is Andrew.

- That's your opinion.

- Oof!
- Dad!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, no, it's fine.

- It's fine.
- What happened?

- It's--it's... I just got--
I got hit in the peas.

- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.

My--I think I have
to call Dr. Ponytail.

I can feel my vas deferens
reaching for each other.

- Okay. Okay, kids,
why don't we grab our jackets?

- We'll go to Gero's.
- It's fine, it's fine...

- Let's let Daddy rest
his vegetables.

Aw.

- Come on.

Let's go.

I'm hungry.

- Yeah, it's hard to be hungry
in a room full of food.

Felix, can you go get
the eggs and the bread

so we can hurry up
and get out of here?

- Sure. What kind of eggs?

- I don't know. Surprise me.

- Can we buy this?

- No, we're going to get you

some food with some food
in it, okay?

- Please, please, please? I've
never had this wonderful cereal.

- No, Viv.

- Please. I want it!

- I'm not doing
a temper tantrum today. Okay?

Put it back
so we can get what we need.

- No!
- Viv, no. No, no, no.

- I'm gonna leave. Bye, Viv.
- Who cares?

- Bye.

- Mommy!

Mommy, come!

- Sample the latest
from Saskatche-wine?

- Mm. Booze and a pun.
I'm listening.

- We have "Moosejaw Merlot"
or "Regina Riesling."

- Okay. Yeah.

- Oh, taking both.
Okay. One per customer but...

Mom!

Mom!

Come right now!

- Astrid?

- Mommy!
- Hi.

Jean-Luc.

- We shop at the same place.

That's dope.

- Oat milk!
- I want to buy this!

- Uh, how was
your husband's surgery?

- Oh... Also dope. Thank you.
- Mom!

- Man, kids go wild
at this place.

"Screaming in aisle one," right?

- You left me.

- Viv! Don't run off
on me like that.

Attention Gero's shoppers:

Could Astrid Berney please come
to the front to get her son.

He's frightened.

- Oh, my God.

Hello, Astrid.

- Did you cut your hair?

- It's a light therapy mask.
It's super normal, Astrid.

You should try it.

And some ice serum.

Sit.

Um...

when you went back to work
after having Corey,

did everyone treat
you like this...

- boring, messy mom?
- Of course not.

People at work don't even know
about Corey.

I went on mat leave and told
everyone I was in Hong Kong.

- I just kind of got off

to an awkward start
with people at work.

And I...

I want them to know that I'm
fun and like, part of the team,

but without putting
any time or effort in.

- Socializing is the only way to
have a more cohesive work group.

You need to put in
the face time.

- I don't need face advice
from you.

Actually, they did invite me
out tonight.

And I want to look cool
and not by accident.

You're fantastic
just the way you are.

Oh.

But I will lend you a business
casual jumpsuit so you'll pop.

And some eye serum.

♪ Control, alt,
and delete 'em ♪

Getting ready for
a night out used to
be a fun ritual.

You put on your pregame tunes.

You change your outfit
a couple of times.

You drink with your friends.

Sometimes it was the most fun
part of the night.

When you're a parent,

you cram all the getting ready
into a five-minute window

while deciding
if you should cancel.

You show up early because
the earlier you get there,

the earlier you can go home
and collapse.

♪ Actin' up like
I dressed up for you, baby ♪

Unfortunately,
you can't leave before
anyone else gets there.

♪ So walk it back ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't here for that ♪

♪ Just walk it back ♪

♪ Gonna control, alt,
and delete 'em ♪

♪ I came here for the music ♪

♪ He said, she said... ♪

- Hey, I'd like to get you
a drink.

I'm married.

- Okay, but are you going
to order something?

Do you want to hear
the specials?

- Do you work here?
- Yes.

- Um, but your approach
is pretty casual.

- Thanks. I get off at midnight.

- Wow. Um, I'm not interested.

- So you have until midnight?
Order a drink from me?

- How do I reserve
that table for six?

- You just sit there
until your friends arrive.

- Okay. This has been
a one-star interaction.

♪ Control, alt,
and delete 'em ♪

Wait.

Oh, f...

Oh!

The weirdest thing
about Magnetar

was that if they got
too close...

- Oh!
- ...it would rip
- the electrons

from every atom in his body.
Burned into spacedome...

Yeah!

- Felix?!

Felix!

Viv?!

Vivian?!

- Do you mind
if we take this table?

There's a bunch of us.

- Oh, yeah, there's a bunch
of us, too.

They're just on the way.

We'll just all be--
we'll all be here.

Sorry.

I-I'm texting them.

Any idea how long you'll be?

Why did I drink so much water?

Mine, mine, mine.

Mine.

Parenting involves
a lot of physical pain.

The most painful part
being childbirth.

Uh, sure, yeah, no,
it's not a pain competition--

No, because giving
birth is the clear winner.

Well, what about
the pain of getting a vasectomy

and then exerting yourself,
which hurts a lot,

and maybe causes your
vas deferens to reconnect?

James, that's not true.

Well, It hurts.

Raising kids hurts.

Oh, my God, yeah.

- Uh, no, no, no. No, no.
Excuse me.

You can't do that
because I was holding

the table for, like, an hour.

- We know, but it's,
like, her birthday.

No, no.

- Hell, yeah. Hi!
- Oh!

- Hi.

- Oh, my God.

Hi.

Felix?!

Viv?

Andrew?

- Oh, no.

Where's our table?

I had a table.

I had it for an hour, but then
I had to go to the bathroom.

- I actually know the birthday
girl-- I'll talk to her.

- He knows a lot of people. He
has a lot of followers. Insta.

- Yes. She does not remember me.

Oh...

Let me fix this. I can fix this.

Ooh! Hey, ladies.

- What is she doing?
- Check this out.

- No, she wouldn't.
She wouldn't. Come on.

Is she showing them
photos of her kids right now?

- No, she wouldn't.
- You wanna see that?

She did!
- What about you?
You wanna see that?

- Oh! Oh!
- Okay. Oh, my God.

- Yeah. Bye bye!
Bye bye! Bye bye!

- Oh, my God, that was amazing!
- Oh, my dear.

Did you show them the--oh!
Okay. Yup, you did.

- Yes, I'll put this away.
Let's order.

- Okay.
- Hi!

Being a parent
can be humiliating.

You can't maintain
your cool image

when you're pulling a doll's
shoe out of a kid's nose.

Yes, that's why it's
important to have nights out

where you reconnect
with other adults.

Where
if someone spills something,

you don't have to clean it up.

But honestly,
dignity is overrated.

And letting go of it can
make you feel very powerful.

Nor at least at peace
with looking dumb.

- Powerful, James.
- Powerful.

Hey, if accepting
constant blows to the ego
is powerful,

we are surely God.

- Oh, my God. That's
the lady with the picture.

- Happy birthday.

It's just as wrong
to hold your heart

as it is to keep
a fish monster in a lab.

We're all monsters
in one way or another.

- Yup, yup, yup.
Listen, you saw my ID.

You know I live here.
We're cool, right?

Okay. All right.

- Sup. Someone die?

- Uh, someone reported
a break in

and described your husband here.

Um, he is your husband, right?

He sure is.

- Anyway, I look forward to
finishing The Shape of Water

and starting it actually.
- It'd be a crime if you didn't.

- Mm.
- And take it easy.

- In my experience, it takes two
weeks to be one hundred percent.

But you did the right thing
for you and your family.

- Hey, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- I hear this is good.
- Yeah. Modern classic.

♪ I love my kids,
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids,
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping
and I got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪