All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S01E06.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

Before kids, a car
meant freedom, convenience,

possibility, hitting the open
road was exciting.

With kids, it's like you're
an Uber driver for a drunk cop.

They boss you around,
shame you for texting,

spill their food everywhere

and then
you just have to take it.

Your car becomes a kitchen,

a bedroom, a family room,
a toilet, and a prison.

It feels like you got to bring

everything in your house
with you,

except the cool stuff.

But the hardest part
of driving anywhere

is leaving the damn house.

She's mad because there's no
room in her tummy for a snack

because I've made
too much breakfast.

- What, kiddo! Come on, we got
a long drive ahead of us.

I'm gonna stick you
in the trunk.

- Yay! The trunk.

- No, no, no,
Daddy's joking, baby.

No one ever, ever,
ever goes in the trunk.

That's not an idea
we want to explore.

I'm not going, Dad!

- Can I go in the trunk?

Hey, Manitoulin Island
is a six-hour drive

and we were supposed
to leave two hours ago.

- I'm trying something.

- All right, let's see
what you brought for the car.

A frisbee,

oh, your Tooth Fairy money,

some string, and a yo-yo.

You know none of this stuff
you can use in the car.

- It's for the cottage.
- Uncle Bo's brother's cottage

is bigger than our entire house
and full of toys.

- Can we have a cottage?
- Of course, we can't.

Did you pee?
- I think so.

- Okay, I'm gonna need you
to step it up a bit.

You're eight years old now.

It's time you take
responsibility for getting ready

and for your own pee,
quite frankly.

It's your bladder now,
you're in charge.

- Okay.

- Been through the war
with this beast.

- Oh, yeah, Florida, Tofino,

that time the streetcar hit me.

- Us, my love,
the streetcar hit us.

- Yeah, you're right,
I think, uh,

I think we're due for
a new ride or a new used ride.

- Or if Teslas will ever
come down in price.

- Why, because
Bo's brother Trevor has one?

It's so fun to bomber
out of that thing.

Trev, he's...
he's a pretty good guy.

- Disagree. He's
a twice-divorced crypto guru,

who thinks his invisible braces
are actually invisible

but I can see them, James,

I can see them because
the man chews like a horse.

- Great cottage, though.

- It's not even a cottage,

it's like a set from
The Bachelor.

So, I'm thinking
that maybe our next car

should have a third row
and be a van.

- For my guitar.

- Or another baby.

- I was actually

thinking about that.
- Mm.

- No, I was thinking about
making this trip with an infant,

driving while being
sleep-deprived,

diaper changes, baby crying,

which is more haunting
than kid crying.

- I understand
that another human

makes things more difficult.

- It's less time, less space,
less money.

We have to change
when we retire.

- But it's also
that new baby smell,

and the first words
and holding another human

that's a little bit
of both of us.

- Why can't you acknowledge
what I'm saying is valid?

- Why can't you acknowledge
that, like, babies are sweet?

- I do, but is it realistic?

- "Is it realistic?"
What is realistic?

Is anything actually realistic?

- Okay.
- Well, I say we ignore reality.

- You know what?

It's May 2-4.
It's the weekend.

Let's just go to a cottage
with an espresso machine

and then we'll talk about
all this over a glass of wine

while we sit on
one of the docks.

- Okay.
- Yes.

- So if you think that sweating
half a day in the car

with our children is gonna
change my mind, you're wrong.

- Oh! I think it might make you
regret the first two.

- How are you less ready?
- Yeah, guys,

we're-- we're supposed
to be on the 400 now.

That's a highway.
You guys don't know anything.

- Felix,
why are you eating cereal?

- It's for the car.
- What?

- I'll be careful.

- Viv, what are you wearing?
Stop, stop whirly twirling.

Okay, okay, you know what?

Maybe we're gonna go
to the cottage without you,

what do you think about that?
- Oh.

Don't make threats
you can't follow through on.

That's like ice cream
in the garbage all over again.

- No, no, no, it's gonna work.

They don't know
I'm not gonna follow through.

They're gonna start
getting ready, you watch.

- No.
- I'm gonna start the car

and then I'm gonna go
with or without you.

- I want you kids to know

I admire your daddy's
follow-through.

- Mm. I was right,
you haven't left yet.

- Can you email me a sip
of that mimosa?

- Don't even joke about
drinking and driving.

There was a huge
accident on the highway

and a family got mangled,
including two kids.

- Oh, hi, Viv!
- Hi, Dawn Aunty!

- How's it going out there?

- Ah! So peaceful.

- We'll be there soon.
- I hope so.

The last ferry leaves
Tobermory at 5:00 now.

- What? Really? Is that new?
- Guys,

I have had it up to here.

That's-- Look
how close to the top it is.

We're gonna go and you guys
are gonna watch me leave.

- James, we have to go,
the ferry leaves at 5:00.

- Guys, we have to leave,
this is serious.

- Hello, James.
- Oh, hey, Dawn.

Yeah. Uh... Tell Trev I couldn't
put my ax in the car,

but I'm excited to jam, though.

- Should I tell Bo too?

Sure.

- Mm. And don't forget
your bathing suits.

Trevor just put in
a brand-new Jacuzzi.

- See you soon.

- Guys,
the cottage has a Jacuzzi.

- What's that?

- It's a tiny hot pool
you can sit in.

- Yeah, it makes a soup out
of you and your friends.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Okay!
- Okay, okay,

let's go, let's go.

Hey, buddy, buddy,
buddy, buddy,

you have your backpack on.
Come on.

- Can we listen
to Scoob McDooby?

- Ah! You know what?
We don't have it in the car.

- Oh, it's in my backpack.

- You found it, huh?
Okay, great.

- Oh, I see you brought
some sticker books to read, huh?

- Am I sneaky?
- Yes, you're so sneaky,

but, remember, reading
is what makes you feel sick

and you hate being sick, right?

- It's not reading,
she can't read.

- Thank you, Felix.
- No problem.

- I can read stickers.

- Viv, where's your yuck bucket?

- I got it, I got it.
- Thank you.

Okay, what do you...
what do you do, Viv,

when your stomach
starts to feel yucky?

- I cry.
- Before that.

- I puke.
- In the bucket, right?

- I can only do my best.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay...

Are you bleeding?
- No.

- Well, then Band-Aid's
not really going to help, is it?

- It makes it better.

- I mean, actually,
it's called a "placebo effect"

and it's your brain
lying to your body.

- Is there rainbow Band-Aid?
- There is.

Here we go
and like that, is it better?

- So much better.
- "So much better."

What the--

What are you doing?

- Oh, I just realized,
if there's a hot tub,

I better trim my bikini line.

- With my beard trimmer?

- Uh, yeah, I just need to
take out some of the volume

so it's not like a little
bird's nest peeking out.

Is that our horn?

What happened?

I was just
trying to start the car,

and it worked.
- Yes, no, yeah, I mean,

it's gonna work, buddy.
Why-- Why-- Why did you do that?

- I was trying to
help save time.

- Hey, come here, I appreciate
you taking the initiative

but that was really dangerous,

and honestly not a huge
time saver for us.

Let's go.
- Okay.

Planning a family
road trip, you have to factor in

small bladders
and queasy tummies,

and your optimal route
involves a lot more stops.

You can't focus
on making good time,

only making the time
somehow good,

thereby proving to yourself
and your partner

that it wasn't
a totally stupid idea.

James, some music.
- Mm-hmm.

In an accident
that left five dead,

including two children--

- Yeah, less talk,
more rock, let's go!

Let's go!

- Only six hours left to go.

Move it, you fool!

- ♪ Not a long time ♪

- ♪ Not a long time ♪

- ♪ So have a good time ♪

♪ The sun won't shine
every day ♪

♪ And the sun is shinin'... ♪

- Hey, no reading in the car.
- Viv can't read.

- Yes, I can.

- Viv, no reading,
no looking at stuff,

no staring at anything
in your lap,

that's how you get sick,
okay, honey?

- Not looking.
- Totally,

um, except I can see you,
though, so...

- Okay, look, Viv,
if you don't stop, we're--

You know what, let's do this.

Uh, first person to see a green
car is the green car champion.

- It's a really good call. Wow.

Oh, we need to stop and get some
pies at the Mennonite farm.

- I don't--
It's not, uh, exactly on the way

and we're already cutting close.

- No, no, last year we showed up
empty-handed, remember?

And Dawn asked
if we needed grocery money.

- We brought stuff.

- Nobody believed
those Paw Patrol yogurts

were for the group, James.

We need something special.

- We're never gonna
make the ferry.

Please don't think that's
a challenge to drive fast.

- It's too late, James.

Viv's looking out
my window.

Felix looked up mine.

- All windows are in play.

- His eyes are hogging
all the windows.

- We're losing 'em. How about
we listen to some more music?

- Scoob McDooby.

- Yeah!

- ♪ When I say tre
You say three, tre ♪

- ♪ Tre ♪

- ♪ When I say tre
You say three, tre ♪

- ♪ Tre ♪
- ♪ When I say trick ♪

♪ You say treat ♪

♪ Trick, trick ♪

♪ When I say trick
You say treat ♪

♪ Trick, trick... ♪

- Uh, there's a... Uh...

Sorry, I can't.

This music is making me
wanna put an icepick in my ears.

I'm just gonna turn
this down real quick, guys.

- No!
- Okay!

Cottage this way...
- Mm-hmm.

- ...four million dollars.

- Wow! They probably think
they're so much better than us.

Can I eat food
I find on the seat?

- For the last time, yes.

- Yes!

- Aren't you supposed to be
checking for traffic?

- Yeah, no, I was, we're good.

Then I started thinking
about buying some land,

probably prefab down.

You know, Trevor
has a pretty sweet setup.

The kids have a separate bunkie.
- Hey.

- Who threw that?
- I can't hear.

- You don't throw
a horse at Mommy

because you can't hear
your Halloween music.

- Come on.
- Oh, my God!

- You know, not to belabor
the point

but imagine all this plus
an infant and sore nipples.

- It's not as far-fetched as

buying some land
and dropping a prefab.

- I just wanna think of a future
where we can do that.

- And a separate bunkie
for the kids like how Trev has.

Cool Trev with all
his erotic Japanese art--

- It's called shunga.

Why is it so crazy to think
that we can have a cottage?

- Why is it crazy to think
that we can have a baby?

- Dad?
- Hmm?

- Viv threw up again.
- What, again?

- She threw up before
but you guys were talking.

- Okay, you can interrupt
for barf for future...

Oh, God!

- Can I have my snacks now?

- No, we have to hose down
the snacks you already ate.

Are you kidding me right now?
- Did it ruin my sticker book?

- Yes, Viv,
it got in your sticker book.

I asked you so many times
to put that away.

You can't read
while we're driving.

- She can't read.
- Felix, your sister's gonna

have people telling her she
can't do things her entire life,

she doesn't need to
hear it from you too.

Viv...

look at this,
this is covered in vomit.

This is garbage now, sorry.

- Hey, that's littering.
- Felix, shut up.

- Hey, that wasn't about you,
Mommy's just frustrated.

But also, like, come on.

- Hi.

Found this under the car seat.

- Oh, my God!

I hate yelling at the kids,

but I want to throw them
into the sun.

- Yeah...

it's a bad feeling.

- I love you.

There's a picnic area up ahead.

We can change Viv,
clean up, regroup.

Maybe you can chat with Felix?

- Can't we just
leave them there?

- Mm.

Yeah, we pick them up
on the way back.

- Yeah.

- Or not.
- Okay.

- Eat your salad.

Mm.

- Oh, is there
raspberry vinaigrette on this?

- Nope, it looks like
a bug peed on it.

- Mm. Well, whatever you did,
it's delicious.

- All right,
you guys go run around

and burn off some energy.

Hey, I'm sorry
I told you to shut up.

- You said that
two times already, Mommy.

I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna go
check out that creek...

right after I, uh...

raspberry vinaigrette
behind that tree.

- Okay. I'll pack up.

Oh, my God!

Usually, one parent ends up

being the family documentarian.

You get all the birthdays

or the first days at school,

the beautiful candids,

the incredibly framed
action shots.

You're a great
photographer, sweetheart.

Oh, it's nothing.

I'm just quick on the draw
and use the rule of thirds

and have an excellent eye.

A nyway, having
a family album in your pocket

makes it easy to reminisce
about the adorable things

that happened when the kids
were little or like last week.

It also makes it easy
for those precious moments

to get stolen or worse.

Oh, no!
- No! No, no, no, no!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, no!

Just get it. I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Ah. No, it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay.

Okay, it's fine, it's fine,
do we have any rice?

- Uh... We have lentil salad.

- Nope, that's nope.

- But everything's in the cloud,
right? We have a cloud.

- For a year, the cloud has
emailed me once a week

to tell me the cloud is full.

Did you drug their food?

- Felix looks like such a stoner
when he sleeps.

"Energy
is everything, dude."

"Does my body
make hair

or is it, like,
already inside me?"

- "Cats are just mini tigers."

Oh!

Oh, he's a little stoner.

- I'd take a picture but...

Hopefully,
we didn't lose everything.

- Mm. You're right
about the pies,

let's just get to the ferry.

- All right, agreed.

- I'm so sick of it
being a battle

just to get out of the house
to go somewhere fun.

- Totally.
- Just done with dragging people

kicking and screaming,
it's exhausting.

- Amen, sister.

- Well, I'm talking
about you, too.

I can't make you
want to have a kid.

You don't want to
and that's legit.

So, that's, that's the end
of the conversation.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Are we there?

- I see pioneers.

Those are Mennonites, buddy.

- You made
my pie dreams come true.

- I did some calculations
and a lot of speeding

and I figure we have about
17 minutes here.

- So let's get some pies.
- You're the best.

Now my sister's not going to
judge me all weekend.

Just kidding, yes, she will.

- Can I use my Tooth Fairy money
to buy cookies for Viv and me?

- That's so sweet of you but you
know I'll give you the money.

- But I want to use my money.

- All right, you got it, mister.

Can I have the keys?
- Yeah.

- Meet you by the pie guy?
- Yeah.

Actually, how do you feel about
getting that money on your own,

huh?
- Thanks.

- So where are those pies?
- Mm.

This way, milady.

We will take your
freshest apple pies.

- Unfortunately,
we're fresh out.

- Oh!

Okay, what about, um,
strawberry rhubarb?

- Just sold the last one.

All we have left
is shoo fly pie.

- I heard the word fly.

- What is shoo fly pie?

- It's made with
molasses and raisins.

- A raisin pie...
- Now, is it called shoo fly

because when you cut into it,

the raisins,
they look like dead flies?

- Uh...
- No.

It's because the molasses
attracts the flies

and you have to shoo them away.

- My love, how many pies that
need protection from insects

would you like to
take to the cottage?

- Well, no less than two.

- We gotta have two, man.

Oh, God.

- Felix, why did you
start the car again?

- I didn't want to.
My body made me do it.

- No, your body
didn't make you do it, kiddo,

your body isn't a separate guy.

- Okay, we don't have time for
cookies anymore, let's go. Ooh.

- No.
- Yeah.

- We have to call CAA.

- Okay, um, is your
phone in the car?

- It is, yes.

- Top-up?

- Yes, please.

Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

You know I haven't had to shoo
a single fly away from this pie?

It's false advertising.

- Felix says that flies throw up
when they land on food.

- You should
call them barfs then

because the...
- Yeah, no, you're right.

- You get it.
- Yeah.

- You're really done
with having another baby?

- No.
I definitely still want one.

I'm just done with talking
about it and, honestly,

I'm not done
with talking about it.

Right, okay, well...

I may have a baby compromise.

We try.

- That's a great idea,
let's do it.

Ah! You're a genius.
- Okay, if we have a baby,

we do that,
and if we don't have a baby...

But we might have
a baby...

- But if we don't have a baby,
then that's cool too.

- Okay.

- We try...

for four months.
- Eight months.

- Six.

- Done. Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Take this party inside.
- Yeah-ha, I think so.

Also one beer puts me to sleep.

The road of life can be bumpy
and windy and make you sick.

Are you really doing
a "life is a highway" metaphor?

Oh, come on,
can you just...

When you're on your own,

you're in the driver's seat
but when you have passengers...

This is terrible.

When you have passengers,

you need to consider
where everyone wants to go.

It's not the destination,

it's the journey, am I right?

Okay, I, I support you
when you do your talking thing.

- Can you have my back, please?
- Always have your back.

We've reached
a fork in the road

and have to make a choice

- whether or not to have a...
- Hitchhiker?

Ooh, yes, a hitchhiker
who will delight us

and make the journey
more interesting.

Or murder us.
Likely a bit of both.

We may alter the route
or even the destination,

but the beautiful thing is that
we're all in the car together.

Hey, there
she is. That was great.

Yeah, I'm amazing.

- You are amazing.
- We're amazing.

- ♪ Here's a spooky trick
or treat for you ♪

♪ It's a Halloween rap
MC Boo! ♪

♪ Ghost flies by
Watch out for the mummy ♪

♪ When you eat candy
There is sugar in your tummy ♪

♪ Enzymes breaking down
into glucose ♪

♪ Look out behind you
That was too close ♪

♪ Grab your masks
Let's get on the ceilings ♪

♪ When I say trick
You say treat ♪

♪ Trick, trick ♪

♪ When I say trick
You say treat ♪

♪ Trick, trick ♪

♪ Trick, trick ♪

♪ When I say trick
You say treat ♪

♪ Trick, treat ♪

♪ When I say trick
You say treat ♪

♪ We need our candy ♪

♪ And we want it now ♪

♪ Call Scoob McDooby ♪

♪ In trick or treat land ♪

♪ Scoob McDooby
is part of my crew ♪

♪ Wolfman, Frankenstein ♪

♪ Very scary two ♪

♪ You didn't spill it
Gather 'round ♪

♪ Let's have the best Halloween
in this whole town ♪

♪ Some jack-o'-lanterns
at our door ♪

♪ Don't be scared
of spooks galore ♪

♪ Because once a year
We roll the street ♪

♪ It's Happy Hip-Hop Halloween ♪