All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S04E07.There.Will.Be.Poop.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

You sound like Mom.Yeah, well, you know Mom was
trying to help you

the only way
she knew how, right?

Says the guy that she refers to
as her only son.

Little Gabe -- on point
with his sass game.

[ Laughs ]

Somebody put a full-price
offer on this house.

Helen is gonna do us
a landlord solid

and give us 72 hours
to match it.

Gabe: Hey, are you the new girl?
I-I didn't see you come in.

Sasha: Off Campus Guy, right?Yeah, New Girl.

Nathan --
He's a wounded bird.

He just needs a friend.You're test-driving him...

Coach Remi!
Portland's official poly guru?

If you could be any part
of your couple's home,

what would you be and why?

...front door.Why did you pick
the front door?

Because I was closed
before I met Jack and Emma.

Turns out
I needed two keys...

to open my heart even though
it could be broken.

So what are you exactly?

H-He means, like,
besides stuck?

[ Xavier & Ophelia's "Every
Sunset Has A Story" plays ]

♪♪

♪ A broken heart falls apart

♪ Two lost souls in the dark

♪ Find a way to make a change [ Clears throat ]

♪ It shouldn't be this hard [ Clears throat harder ]

Wakey, wakey.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I was having
the best dream.

I was onstage with TLC
in the "Waterfalls" video.

Okay, I can't hold it
in any longer.

Are you gonna
throw up on me?

No.
Oh.

But we have a surprise
for you.

You do?
Mm-hmm.

♪ 'Cause every sunset
has a story ♪

Okay,
so I forgot to ask where.♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ It's the beginning
or the end ♪

Did I mention
that I love surprises?

Where is it?
Where is it?♪ Hey, hey, hey

What do you think?

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah.

Y-Yeah.
D-Definitely.

It's that, like,
specific kind of cool

that requires
an explanation?

Any c--
Any --
Any color you want.

Okay.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Izzy Silva --

You're the door!Dude?

What?You're the door...

Yeah....opening up our lives

in the most spectacular
and surprising ways.

And we want the whole world
to know it.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I love my door.

Yes.
I love you.

I love my door.Mm.

Well,
that's disturbing.

Hmm. Oh, geez.
Look at these two.

No shame whatsoever.Aw.
Maybe their cable's out.

Hello.
I know.

Even there's a baby,
ooh!

Okay. We'll go back inside now.
Relax.

Yeah, we're gonna go inside
and do the sex now!

So you guys
can keep walking.

♪ A second chance

♪ To change your mind

Behold my door, bitches!

[ Chuckles ]

Behold this beautiful morning
that we're having.

Cheerio.

Marigold.

Interesting choice.

My Great Aunt Enid
used to plant marigolds.

My mother would say,
"They're cheap and common,

and dig in like weeds."

Oh, my God.
She sounds nice.

Definitely not on the long list
of HOA-approved colors.

Ticketable offense?

100%.

Dun-dun-dun.

Seemed appropriate.
Sorry.

Let the mustache twirling
resume.

♪♪

So they bought you
a door.

Mm-hmm.

How, uh, romantic?

It's not just a door,
okay?

It's a beautiful bright orange
symbol of our love

and clearly you don't get it
so shut up.

Where'd you go?

What? I'm being --
I'm being late. Remember?

You wear those hideous
suburbadroid Crocs

and, uh, I show up late
to everything all day?

You're so annoying.

Just come on,
you can start it after.

Okay.

Uh, so remind me.

You went to a poly coach

so you could figure out
that you are, uh...

what was it?

Polymonogamous.

Polymonogamous.

Yes.
Right.

Now, does Coach Whatsisballs
know that he invented a word

that contradicts itself
halfway through?

Okay. The word
sounds stupid at first,

but it's actually brilliant.

Like these Crocs.Right.

They're basically
Jack and Emma -- left, right.

When I wear them outside
of a garden setting,

people are very eager to tell me
that I'm doing footwear wrong.

That's why I assigned them
to you.

So you'd look stupid.
Shut up.

Anyway,
here's the thing,

is they start to feel
really good, like --

like my feet have a special
secret, but the world insists

"they don't make sense
as an everyday shoe."

So you buckle
under the pressure

and you try something a little
cooler, a little younger.

Um, and...?

And people say that they make
your calves look great

but it's too late,

'cause you've already fallen in
love with these goofy-ass Crocs.

In fact, you feel bad
you ever doubted them.

Wow!
Right?

Anyway, today is officially

"Inappropriate Day Drinking...
Day."

There has to be a better way
to say that, right?

Well, we're gonna
have to postpone.

Why?Well, aside from the fact

that I'm a high-school
vice principal...

Oh, please....uh, and that's never
gonna happen,

I have a date.

Cool.
Yeah.

Cool.Yeah, it is pretty cool.

Oh, hold on
just a second.

Oh!
Uh, speak of the devil.

The tall, blonde,
gorgeous devil.

Okay.

Yeah.
I got to -- I got to take this.

Sure.

So...

Oh. You want me to go.
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.
Yeah.

I'll --
I'll catch up.

So I'll --
I'll see you at lunch?

I've got to rain check
'cause I'm super slammed.

But, um, later?

Yeah, it's all good.Sorry.

All good.

Hey, you.

Jack: Honey, real-estate shit
is always complicated.

Okay?
Don't let it ruin our mojo.

Yeah, well, how dare the bank
tell us

over an e-mail
to find more money, you know?

If they want to ass ram us,
they can do it to our faces.

Huh?
Hmm.

Well, seems like you and I
are gonna have to have

a very long discussion
about human anatomy.

Over waffles,
perhaps?

With caramel sauce?Okay.

And pickles, please.Wow.

It's amazing that that
doesn't make your list

of things
that make you barf.

It's fascinating.

Jack, we can't give Izzy a door
and then lose the house.

I know.
And we won't.

Um...
What?

Okay.
Well, promise not to be mad.

Uh, your mom
is coming to visit.

And she's staying
with Gabe.

So?
She's visited him lots of times.

Well,
and I think that maybe...

you know, possibly...

he may have said something about
inviting us all to dinner?

Oh. [ Scoffs ]

So this is what all that
clumsy espionage was about?

You and Izzy and Gabe?

Wait, are you suggesting
that we ask Jo for money?

No!

No.

No.
Maybe?

No, okay?

There is a zero-point-zero
percent chance

of me asking her
for anything ever.

[ Toaster pops ]Well, come on, Jack.

Do you really think
it's a coincidence, you know,

that you started thinking
of your mom and dad

and how it was
after he died...

just as you're about to
start a family of your own?

I didn't bleach my hair,
wear eyeliner,

and start doing drugs
because my dad died.

I did it to
test my mom's love.

And she failed.

Yeah, well,
maybe she was angry.

Maybe tough love was
the only love she could give.

What would she
be angry about?

Gabe says
she has regrets.

Did, uh, calling me
a faggot make the list?

Jack...
I'm sorry.

♪♪

Waffles.
Aw.

Caramel sauce
and pickles,

together again
for the very first time!Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[ Computer rings ]

Babe?Dave: [ Skipping ] H-H-Hello?

Dave?
Are you there?

Aw, fuck me!

Oh, no, not you guys!

That's -- What?
No!

Not to insinuate that
any of you are unworthy.

You're all
very attractive people,

and I'm sure many people,
many people would be honored.

Please just don't call
your lawyers, all right?

Take a beat.

[ Laughs]
Oh, I'm so happy
that I could amuse you.

We need to fix this.

Oh, like pay them off?

That's a good idea. No, no.

I'm saying we need to fix
this you and me

and this 500-mile gap
between us.

Okay?
We need to fix that.

I miss you.
Really?

You love me more
than fluffy robes,

fresh sheets,
and room service?

Yes.
Yes, of course I do.

Come on.
Convincing.

I do think we should maybe
spring for some nicer sheets.

These thread counts are --

I'm learning a lot
about thread counts here.

How's it going
over there?

Oh, well, they've stopped
being subtle about, uh,

books two and three,

so I kind of had
to wing a pitch.Oh, God.

How drunk did you have to get
to decide that was a good idea?

Well, drunk enough that
I woke up with

a dozen cocktail napkins
in my pocket

all with individual words
on them,

like I maybe did like
a Bob Dylan type of thing.

Look, this either says
"flatulence" or "pestilence."

And neither is really good
for a kids' book.

Actually, the first one
could work, you know, like, um,

"Everybody Farts,
Even Immigrants"?

You know what, Carmen?

You really are the wind
beneath my sheets.

See, I was still going
with the fart thing.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I'm sorry.
I'm just really tired

and I know it's stupid
but I think

I've just let this local awards
thing get to me and --

Okay, you know what?
You know what?

Tonight, we're gonna have
a full cyberdate, okay?

And it's gonna end
in FaceTime sex

because I am the surest thing
on the West Coast.

You are
an insatiable slut.

[ Both laugh ]
Wow.

And I may have a solution
to your sequel problem, so --

Excellent.
Tonight, you and me.

No kids. No work.
No interruptions.

Just me listening to you
about your life

and then we are going to
mutually abuse ourselves

in front of each other.

That sounds -- I mean, is that g--

I'm gonna need
a clear "yes."

I mean, I could start now
if you want.

This is usually
behind a paywall

but if you --
you have to say "yes."

Stop it! Will this get you fired,
if I --

Yes, yes, yes!

[ Sighs ] Okay.

$20, $40, $64 and change.

Split the settlement
however you like.

That should work.
That's plenty.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Sasha:
I find myself kind of liking
that shirt for some reason.

Yeah, shirts are cool.
I like shirts.

Maybe it's
the feminist allusion.

Yeah.
Hashtag Time's Up, bitches.

M-Meaning un-woke dudes.
I -- I didn't --

I didn't mean women.

It's about motherhood.

Yeah. Moms.
So hot.

So are you into all girls
or just the ones with children?

Uh, well, I'm pan,
which we all know means

that I can love or be attracted
to a person of any sex

including
but not limited to males,

females, transgenders,
transexuals,

hermaphroditous people,
androgynous people,

and of course those with
a sex-chromosome anomaly.

Wow.
So thorough!

Why aren't you, uh,
seeing anyone?

Maybe you're just, um, confused
by the expansive pan menu?

Yeah.
So confused.

Yeah.
Ca-- Can't sleep.

I'm like,
which way do I go?

Dare you to ask out the next
human who's into you.

Hey.
Sorry to barge in, um...

but that story you shared
in last week's

Alliance meeting -- it, uh,
it just really moved me.

Awesome.

Hey, um,
do you want to hang out?

Yeah, sure.
You free tonight?

Yeah. Uh, it's a date.
I'll text you.

Cool.

Boom.
[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

♪♪

All right, I was undeniably
a massive fuck-up as a kid.

I'm getting the instinct that
you need to hold

all my calls,
Rebecca.

-Yes, Dean Warren.
-Thank you.

Sorry.

It's all good.
All good.

Everybody assumed
I was on drugs,

and so they started
giving me drugs and voilà,

next thing I know,
I'm on drugs.

And my dad died,
my mother was frightened

that Gabe and I wouldn't have
a male role model,

so she transformed herself

into the worst possible
version of one.

Somewhere along the line,
I realized my whole reason

for waking up every day
for the rest of my life

would be to help kids
like me.

God damn it, I'm good
at what I do, okay,

so if you think
that this is

just soft,
navel-gazing bullshit,

well frankly, Mother,
I don't give a fuck!

Um, did I just, um --Just call me "Mother"?

Yes.
I didn't hear that.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

You're a good egg,
Dean Warren.

Neva.

I want a raise, Neva.

You got it, Jack.

10%?

Just like that?

Mm-hmm.

Academia --
Never enough money.

We operate under the policy
of Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.

Your Wellness Program, Doctor,
is extraordinary.

A raise is
long overdue.

Wow, thanks.

You're welcome.
Oh.

And, uh,
eat your strangers

and don't talk to
vegetables.

Right. We can just
keep that between us,

right, the Mother thing?

Yeah.
Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

Ah!
Jesus!

Word around campus is that
you're quite suddenly pansexual.

More like I've come to terms
with it.

Please tell me that you haven't
dragged anyone else

into this admittedly adorable
play for Sasha's affections.

And choose your words
wisely,

like I might
already know the answer.

Maybe I just think
Alex is hot

and I want to do
all the stuff with him.

Oh, yeah?

So you're gonna date a dude
to prove you're pan

so Sasha thinks
you're all woke-sexy.

I find that highly offensive,
Miss --

Doctor.
Dr. Izzy.

Mm-hmm.Sorry. It's just sounds like
those old soaps

where the 19-year-old dime
is also a brain surgeon.

Okay. I think there were
compliments baked in there,

so I'm just gonna
proceed --

You're hanging out
with someone who digs you

and thinks
you might dig him back,

so please just be careful
with his feelings.

Hello?
Huh?

You okay there,
Dr. Izzy?

Just be a decent person,
is what I'm saying, okay?

He's a human being
with feelings, not a car.

♪♪

Car?

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hey.

I got the raise.

Ah!
Then we get the house!

Okay. Tell me everything
you said, word for word.

Don't leave
anything out.

Well, once you accidentally
call your boss "Mother,"

everything else
just seems like a detail.

I once ended a phone call
with a collection agency

with "I love you."

And yes, that is the real reason
we had to change our number.

We did it, Em.

We're home.

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you more.

♪♪

Yep.

[ Groans ]

Hey,
your date's a hobo bottle?

Um, canceled.

You know,
papers to grade.

Hmm.

[ Bottles clink ]

You know, when I assigned you
"day drinking,"

I meant after school
and off campus.

Then I --
Then I guess this is, like,

super-mega-double badass,
right?

Extra credit?

For sure, super badass, yeah,
until you get fired

and the new boss wonders
how the fuck I got this job.

Hmm.
Interesting.

Are you wondering?

All right,
Drunky McDrunkerpants,

let's get you
out of here.

Okay?

I'm bringing this.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.
Okay.

Hello, friends.

They're good friends.

Go.

Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.

Okay.

[ Ringing ]

Hey!

Hey, babe.
I'm so sorry,

the girls were just
impossible tonight and --

Carm?
Can you hear me?

Yes.
Okay, good.

I think my agents brought me
here to give me some bad news

because, fun fact, no one's
ever offed themselves

in a lobby bar playing
Duran Duran covers.

Couldn't tell them you needed
a half-hour with the wife?

Man: Yo, Dave!
Your drink's here!

I knew
you would understand!

So, do you have
any sequel ideas for me?

I mean, you're the writer
in the the family.

Could you
help a hubby out?

Sweetheart?

You know, it feels like
we're about to glitch again.

Really? But, uh, you're
coming in crystal clear.

A. E. I. O. U.

Are you doing, like, a --

was that just
all the vowel sounds?

Is that supposed to make --
Okay.

So that's your answer then.
I see. That's fi--

[ Tablet beeps ]

[ Sighs ]

You're on your own, champ.

Nathan: Oh, man.

Okay.

So, you completed
the assignment.

Please remove those obscene
abominations now.

My sweet, sweet Crocs?
Unh-unh.

Like I said -- The world may
think they look weird,

but to me
they're just right.

Hmm.
Beep, beep.

Well, then,
I hope you never catch them

blowing your brother
on Turkey Day.

You're concerned that my shoes
might fellate

the brother I don't have.

Booze is like LSD to you,
huh?

[ Whispering ] Shh.

We're not really talking
about shoes.

[ Whispering ] Oh, we're not?No.

Oh, my God.No, it's a meta-floor.

Mm-hmm.
A matador.

Mini-- Minotaur.

You're nai--
You're nailing this.

Yeah, right.
Say it for me?

No, you say it.

Meta-floor.

Can't say it.
Not even close.

No.

What are you
looking for?

Oh, your balls.

Oh!

Okay, well, I mean, you know,
between the two of us,

you are
the way bigger wuss.

You let
two damaged sociopaths

take a holiday
away from you forever.

[ Scoffs ]
Oh, that -- that is nothing.

You let a pregnant
suburban married couple

take your entire life.

I'm just trying to be
a good friend

and give it to you
straight-up.

We met like
three weeks ago, dude.

You don't know shit.

That's a shame.

Let's play 20 questions.

Yeah.

No.

Well, okay.

I'm preternaturally intuitive,
so five'll do.

Okay.
Yeah.

Do you want to go first,
or do I go first?

I'll go first.
Here it comes.

Okay.

Um, okay.
Mm-hmm.

Close-in suburb
or Downtown?

Oh.
Pearl District forever.

That was an easy one.

Yeah.
Okay.

Block party or
authentic bar-bar?

Another round of Rusty Nails
for me and the posse I don't got

'cause I thought my wife
was my bestie.

Okay.
Uh, okay.

Stay up all night.

Are you watching the sun rise
or whatever's on Netflix?

Ooh.
Sunrise every time.

Get rich
or change the world.

Change the world.

No question.

And some day real soon,
too.

Let me guess -- you were the
weird kid with the frizzy hair

and rainbow braces
who demanded fair wages

for the cafeteria staff?

Wow. That is --
That is oddly specific.

You talking about me
or you?

Yeah, me too.

Really?
Yeah.

Cheers.
I was a weirdo.

Boop.

Okay. Pets?

Oh, yeah.
Like, a whole bunch.

Hmm.

Yeah, and I would marry Seb,
'cause I love him

more than anything,
not like in a weird way.

Just so you know, I don't think
there's an un-weird way

to marry your pets.

Kids?
Go.

Two girls and a boy.

You too?

What are your thoughts
on pumpkin spice?

You know, I don't know
what that smell is

but it is clearly
not pumpkin or spice.

Thank you.
Right?

Fuck.

Oh, my turn now.

Unh-unh.
There's no point.

Why not?
You already gave
all my answers.

Well, that's not fair.And you know, you're like --

like, a nice guy
and you're funny

and sometimes
you look at me

like you used to draw me
as a child.

Have you been
cyberstalking me?

Wow, damn, your -- your --

your crazy
totally just ate my drunk.

I'm happy.
Mm.

I'm happy.
Okay?

Zero second thoughts.

So there's no point
in test-driving you

down the road not traveled --
less traveled.

I don't know, whatever.

How's -- How's that?

What?

Is that
what we're doing?

You know, nothing that's gonna
get you in trouble,

but just enough
to imagine the alternative?

I...
Mm-hmm.

...would like
to deny that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm a dick.

It's --
It's all good.

Do they really love you?

And you really love them?

Yeah.

Look, Izzy, um --

You're gonna
walk me home.

I am?

Yes.

You're gonna be
a gentleman

and you're gonna walk me home
and you're gonna come in

and you're gonna say hello
to Jack and Emma.

Why?
Why?

Because we are friends,
all of us, nothing to hide.

Nothing to see here,
move it along.

Mm.
Am I right, friend?

Right, friend.

I'll bring this.

Party bus
is on the move.

Okay.
Let's do it.

You want to get rid of those,
probably.

Hmm, I don't know.

♪♪

Gabriel:
Thanks for coming over, bud.

I didn't realize "Queer Eye"
would be so moving.

I promise not to tell anybody
about the wide-open sobbing

if you, uh,
stop calling me "bud."

I get the point.

What? No! I --

Not every two queers
are gonna be into each other.

It's cool, "bud."

Seriously, Gabriel.

It's cool.

Alex, I like you.

I think
you're smart and funny.

I just...

I'm trying to figure shit out
right now.

Maybe this will help?

Fuck.
I totally misread that moment.

I am so sorry.

God damn it,
Izzy was right. I --

What're you talking about?Alex, look.

You're a lot of things
that I'm not.

Like a decent
human being.

Into other guys.

Wait. What?
I'm straight.

Like, like,
weirdly straight.

Then why --

I thought
Sasha would find it cool.

I --

Look, we can
still be friends.

My mother says your dad's
a fucking Neanderthal.

Alex, come on.

Like father, like son.

Hmm.

♪♪

Both: "HOA Violation.

Marigold isn't on the approved
list for exterior doors."

Izzy?

Are you --
Are you okay?

Fuck Lala.

Fuck Hawthorne Heights.

I am so tired of dealing
with this bullshit.

Wait here.

It's a --
It's a good idea.

♪ We both know it's insane

♪ We know it's not right,
but we do it the same ♪

♪ When you kiss me that way,
it's okay ♪

♪ I say "Oh, no

[ Knock on window ]♪ What you doin'?

♪ Oh, no --

Okay.

This is, uh,
a little cliché.

What happened?

I'm not pan.

Or gay.
Or bi.

I know.

I fucked up so bad.

You actually went out
with Alex?

Yeah,
you definitely fucked up.

Um,
what were you thinking?

Tell me.

He's right --
I'm such an asshole,

just like my father.

I never should've used him
like that.

I never should have
dared you.

We're both --

We're both assholes.

But we're gonna
make it right.

I wish I could just
go back in time

and do what I wanted to do
in the first place.

What?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Any sober
second thoughts?

Do you see any sober people
around here?

'Cause I -- I don't.

Okay.

Okay, on three.

One --
No, this way.

Yeah.
One, two, three.

[ Laughing ]

♪♪

♪ I don't care
what you think about me ♪

♪ And I'm never gonna fit
in your society ♪

♪♪

♪ It's a union jack
and we're on the right track ♪

♪ Better get yourself together

♪ 'Cause we're gonna
fight back ♪

♪♪

♪ Stand up, boy,
it's a revolution ♪

♪ Can't stop me,
this is evolution ♪

♪ I don't care what you think
about me ♪

♪ I'm never gonna fit
in the society ♪

♪ I don't care what you think
about me no more ♪

♪♪

♪♪