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1
00:00:02,132 --> 00:00:04,308
Previously on "You Me Her"...
2
00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:06,049
And she says
that my voice is like nails
3
00:00:06,136 --> 00:00:09,183
on the chalkboard
of her soul.
4
00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:11,228
Am I your first patient?Brian, I quit.
5
00:00:11,315 --> 00:00:12,882
Emma: What's going on
at Will and Marty's house?
6
00:00:12,969 --> 00:00:15,145
Carmen:
Oh, that's Binge Club.Binge Club?
7
00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:17,104
All the stay-at-home parents
meet up at Marty's
8
00:00:17,191 --> 00:00:19,193
bingeing the latest
and greatest TV shows.
9
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,109
I want the job.Helping entitled rich kids
with their faux damage?
10
00:00:22,196 --> 00:00:23,545
Oh, I have one condition.
11
00:00:23,632 --> 00:00:25,068
I just need you
to admit one student.
12
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:26,809
Her name is Sasha,
and she was homeless
13
00:00:26,896 --> 00:00:28,289
up until two months ago.
14
00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:29,812
Nathan went through
a nasty divorce,
15
00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:31,074
and I figured
I could give him some support.
16
00:00:31,161 --> 00:00:32,467
She cheated on me.
17
00:00:32,554 --> 00:00:33,859
Yeah, that happens to the be--With my brother.
18
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:36,558
And I'm just trying
to purify myself
19
00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:39,604
so that someone
might love me.
20
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,389
All I learned is that
I loathe listening to people
21
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:42,738
whine about their problems.
22
00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:44,131
You like telling people
what to do.
23
00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:46,220
Why not do that
right here?
24
00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:48,831
You dole out the advice,
I dole out the drinks.
25
00:00:48,918 --> 00:00:50,267
It's the perfect hook
for this place.
26
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:51,573
You'd really do that for me?
27
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:52,791
Babe, it's win/win.
Yeah.
28
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,010
Oh!
29
00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,185
♪♪
30
00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:57,622
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh
31
00:00:57,709 --> 00:01:01,104
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh
32
00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:02,932
Great. Thank you.
33
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:04,542
Thank you.
34
00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:07,197
So, what's good,
sweet child o'mine?
35
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:09,982
Seems as though this high-school
counseling gig is gonna stick.
36
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,636
Made it two weeks
without getting fired,
37
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:14,465
which means my name
is going on the mortgage.
38
00:01:14,552 --> 00:01:17,164
House is just as much mine
as it is Jack and Emma's.
39
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:18,904
That's great, Iz.
40
00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:20,906
You're --
You're goin' all in.
41
00:01:20,993 --> 00:01:23,387
Yes. I'm giving your rehab
wisdom a shot, you know?
42
00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:25,911
Good.Trying to love their life.
43
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,218
And with Emma on a break,
I think they actually need me
44
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,916
to get the loan,
as hilarious as that sounds.
45
00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:32,657
Great.
Well, that must feel good,
46
00:01:32,744 --> 00:01:34,355
to be needed.
Yeah.
47
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:38,228
I mean, Emma keeps repeating
"our" and "we" about the babies,
48
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:39,925
you know,
making sure I feel equal.
49
00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:41,492
Dear God,
the heartless shrew.
50
00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:42,928
[ Chuckles ]
51
00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:45,670
Well, she left a Google
search up on her laptop:
52
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,281
"Tri-custody."
53
00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:50,849
It just feels like this is
all about softening the blow
54
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:52,634
for when they tell me
they definitely don't want
55
00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:55,376
any more kids.
56
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:57,552
It's a lot.Yeah.
57
00:01:57,639 --> 00:01:59,162
Let's, uh,
go for a walk.
58
00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,294
Yeah.
Gotta get to work.
59
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,512
Walk it off,
as they say, hey?
60
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:02,687
Yeah, walk this way.Walk it off.
61
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,385
Okay. Ready?
Yeah.
62
00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:06,648
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh
63
00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:08,693
♪ Oh-oh
64
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,478
♪ Oh-oh
65
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:11,740
♪ Oh-oh
66
00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:13,089
Oh, my -- my eyes!
Okay, okay.
67
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:15,657
-Sorry.
-Honest, guys?
68
00:02:15,744 --> 00:02:18,312
I'm, uh, installing
the soap dispensers today
69
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:19,661
if you wanna wash
your eyeballs.
70
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:21,358
You know what?
Good on you.
71
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,667
Soak it up while you can,
because guess what.
72
00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:28,583
One day real soon, it'll be
all about morning sickness
73
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:31,629
and mortgages
and -- and block parties
74
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,065
and fucking kale.
75
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,893
Okay?
There's so much kale.
76
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,808
Like, where has
it been all this time?
77
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:40,072
I'm having nonstop skeletal
tremors, and I do not hate it.
78
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,335
[ Mockingly ] Oh, are you?
79
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:42,336
You're welcome.
80
00:02:42,423 --> 00:02:43,815
Ugh! Sonofa --
81
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:45,948
I'm glad somebody's
enjoying all this sex.
82
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:49,081
Emma's biologically occupied
with little Jizzy and Jemma.
83
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,779
Meanwhile, having sex
without her
84
00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:54,043
while she's there
just feels super-weird.
85
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:55,523
Shaun: Jesus.
86
00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:57,307
I've heard worse names
on "Teen Mom Appalachia."
87
00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:58,917
Bye, Shaun.Bye, Shaun.
88
00:02:59,004 --> 00:03:00,571
No, I don't get to hear
any more about Izzy's sad life?
89
00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:02,007
Bye.No.
90
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:04,096
[ Whimpers ]
91
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,534
She's gotta leave the house
at some point, right?
92
00:03:06,621 --> 00:03:09,319
Oh, she did join this daycare
co-op down the street.
93
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:12,192
She abducted Carmen's kids
so they'd let her in, so...
94
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,019
Oh, problem solved:
Just text Jack,
95
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:16,587
pull a naughty nooner,
ooh, la, and la.
96
00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:18,023
Yeah. Uh...
Hmm?
97
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,851
Oh, God.
You guys are lame.
98
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:21,940
Seriously, you need
poly therapy.
99
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:24,813
You're like the deaf leading
the blind leading the stupid.
100
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,554
C'mon. That's not a thing,
"poly therapy."
101
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,164
[ Clears throat ]
102
00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:31,341
Hey, Siri, find, uh,
"Poly Therapists, Portland."
103
00:03:31,428 --> 00:03:33,387
Siri: Here's what I found on
the Web for "Poly Therapist."
104
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:34,736
[ Cellphone chimes ]Hm. Oh.
105
00:03:34,823 --> 00:03:37,434
There's 8 of 'em.Stop looking so smug,
106
00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:40,568
chick-who-tossed-away
eight-years-of-education-
107
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,309
five-minutes-
into-her-fourth-session.[ Gasps ]
108
00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:44,615
Oh! Oh, no, you didn't!Yeah, I did.
109
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:46,791
All right, I'm still
a therapist, okay?
Mm-hmm.
110
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,098
In fact, you're, uh -- You're
leaning on my office right now.
111
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:51,056
What?
Mm-hmm.
112
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:53,885
Mm. Yeah, give me $5,
and I'll cure you right up.
113
00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,191
[ Scoffs ]
114
00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:56,845
No, I'm serious.
Give me $5.
115
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,545
I don't know
why I do this with you.
116
00:04:01,632 --> 00:04:02,981
Honestly, every time,
it's like --
117
00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:05,114
I don't have a $5.
Yeah.
118
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:06,985
I'm a hot female bartender
under 30.
119
00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:09,423
People tip me for existing.Go on, then.
120
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:13,253
Um, polyamory by its most
fundamental definition
121
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,385
rejects monogamy.
Well, duh.
122
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,126
Yeah, I mean, you guys
are what is derisively known
123
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,476
as "polymonogamists."That's a thing?
124
00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:22,784
Uh, according to the preemptive
Portland poly authority,
125
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:26,701
you guys are trying to jam your
pervy, triangular-shaped peg
126
00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:28,877
into the round hole
that is suburban monogamy,
127
00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,358
and you're doomed to break
one, the other, or both.
128
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,925
You're so dumb.
129
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:35,144
That's, like...
130
00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:36,276
Dumb?
131
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,235
So...
132
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,671
dumb.
133
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:42,194
Well said. Scathing.
134
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,457
Very convincing.
135
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:44,588
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
136
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:45,981
"Polymonogamy."
137
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:49,941
That's so...
138
00:04:50,028 --> 00:04:53,293
dumb.
139
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,164
[ Rock music plays ]
140
00:04:55,251 --> 00:05:00,865
♪♪
141
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:04,434
Emma.
And Emma's practice kids!
142
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:05,609
Hi!
Hey!
143
00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:07,263
Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah!
144
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:08,612
Oh, okay.
Hey, kiddies.
145
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,484
Okay.
Go play, girls.
146
00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:11,746
Madame President!
147
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,400
Oh, me? [ Chuckles ]
148
00:05:13,487 --> 00:05:15,967
It only took her two weeks
to get elected to a position
149
00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:18,318
we didn't deem necessary
until she showed up!
Oh!
150
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,449
-Thank you.
-So impressive!
151
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,886
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh. I am...
152
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:24,324
I am so flattered.
Thank you.
153
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,499
Shiraz for everyone,
yeah?
154
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:26,935
Yeah.
Cool.
155
00:05:27,022 --> 00:05:28,284
I accept.
156
00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:29,851
♪♪
157
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,156
Come on.
158
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,420
Is there a place
in this building
159
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,552
that you haven't prepped
for spontaneous sex?
160
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,685
Gross.Dude is seriously next-level,
161
00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:40,252
which is obviously awesome,
but also terrifying
162
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,732
in ways
I don't even understand.
163
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,995
[ Pool balls clink ]
164
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,650
Really? "Strut"?
165
00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:49,174
Seriously? God.
[ Sniffs ]
166
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,742
Even his antiperspirant
is cocky now.
167
00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,440
[ Chuckles ]
168
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:57,008
So, Shaun's now suddenly
your boss and a sex ninja
169
00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:59,097
while you're stuck in
your quarter-life crisis goop.
170
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,751
That's a big-ass shift
in the power dynamic.
171
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,405
That's rough.
172
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,668
No, that guy worships
the ground I walk on, okay?
173
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:06,540
And rightfully so,
I might add.
174
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,280
I don't know.
He's been twinkling
175
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,935
like a ginger-hued
shootin' star these days.
176
00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:13,590
Well, even suns become
big, black empty holes.
177
00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:18,508
Yeah, until they gradually
devour everything around them.
178
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:19,988
Comfy, right?
179
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:21,990
Yeah, it's nice.Yeah, it's nice.
180
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:24,166
It's, um --
It's one of our special places.
181
00:06:24,253 --> 00:06:25,950
Gross!
We really broke it in.
182
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,257
Okay, well, I'm just gonna
hurry up and burn these clothes
183
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:29,693
before I have
to meet Nathan.
184
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:32,130
We grab smoothies
before work, okay?
185
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,871
Alert TMZ.Mm.
186
00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:36,047
Aren't you two
gettin' real chummy real fast?
187
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:37,353
Whatever. [ Sighs ]
188
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,920
He helped me,
so I'm helping him.
189
00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:40,400
I give him
"homework assignments"
190
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,967
to pop that post-divorce stick
out of his ass.
191
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,491
Like, this morning,
he has to order
192
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,057
a smoothie
with a stupid name.
193
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:48,103
[ Chuckles ]
And how cute is that?
194
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:50,061
Stop making it
something it's not, okay?
195
00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:51,889
He's a wounded bird.
He just needs a friend.
196
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:53,282
Interesting.
197
00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:54,979
And does he also dig
pizza and downtown?
198
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,895
Does he, um -- Does he want
precisely three children?
199
00:06:57,982 --> 00:06:59,506
Zeppelin over Stones?
200
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:00,768
[ Laughs ]
201
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:02,683
At least one of those things
is true.
202
00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,336
You're test-driving him,
hmm?
203
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,251
Shaun: Neen? Neen?![ Gasps ]
204
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,297
[ As Igor ]
Master's calling.
205
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:09,907
You better go.
206
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:11,126
[ Chuckles ]
207
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:14,869
Oh, boy.
208
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:17,828
♪♪
209
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,527
[ Car alarm chirps,
ringtone plays ]
210
00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:26,924
Hey. I should probably lead
with the fact
211
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:28,752
that I sold our children.[ Up-tempo music plays on TV]
212
00:07:28,839 --> 00:07:30,188
Closet didn't work out.
213
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:31,799
Made an executive decision.
214
00:07:31,886 --> 00:07:32,887
Wow. Okay.
215
00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:34,279
Well, can I say this
216
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:35,846
now that they're no longer
in the picture?
217
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,195
They were too loud.
218
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,459
So much
unmotivated vocalizing.
219
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:40,982
And they don't know anything
about anything.
220
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:42,897
They don't read.
They don't travel.
221
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:45,160
They're -- They're useless
at trivia night.
222
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:46,857
I'm still in bed,
by the way.
223
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,293
Oh, you masturbate
to "Fluppies"?
224
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,817
That's not weird.
225
00:07:49,904 --> 00:07:51,471
I hadn't thought of that yet,
but no.
226
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:54,299
I'm trying to re-create the
last time inspiration struck.
227
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:55,823
I'm confident the second book
228
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,389
is at the bottom
of this glass of Rosé.
229
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,739
I can feel it.
230
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:01,350
Oh, well, I'm happy
one of us gets to --
231
00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:03,744
I miss you.
232
00:08:03,831 --> 00:08:05,223
Really?
Yeah.
233
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:06,834
I mean, I might be
a little morning drunk,
234
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:08,966
as it is commonly known.
235
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,577
But is it?
Is it really?
236
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:12,753
I just can't stop thinking
about you.
237
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,103
Or the kid or home.
You know.
238
00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:17,714
Or you.
[ Sighs ]
239
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,803
[ Knock on door ]
240
00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:22,066
Dave, I have a...
241
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:24,765
I have a confession.
242
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:27,550
It's been...
243
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:33,338
really hard watching you live
your best Chrissy Teigen life
244
00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:37,342
while the local diddly-fuck
journalism association
245
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,606
won't even toss me
a craft shop plaque.
246
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,173
Getting beat out
by Oregon Poultry Life
247
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:45,133
is a hard chicken nugget
to swallow.
248
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,874
Really?
249
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:49,616
Poultry Life,chicken nugget,
hard to swallow?
250
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:50,704
Nothing?
251
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,009
Dave?
Are you still there?
252
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:53,881
Honey! My --
My breakfast dessert is here.
253
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,709
Will you please hold?
Please hold.
254
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:58,146
♪ Ba-da-bup, da-da, bup-ba
255
00:08:58,233 --> 00:09:00,104
♪ Ba-dup, ba-ba-ba,
be-bup-bup ♪
256
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:01,584
[ Cellphone beeps ]
257
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,804
Hm.
258
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:05,980
Breakfast dessert.
Yeah.
259
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,243
Love breakfast dessert.
260
00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:12,203
[ Dramatic music plays]
261
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,379
[ Sighs ]Oh, my God.
262
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:15,816
[ Sniffles ]I'm broken.
263
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,252
I can't with this show.
264
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:18,732
-It broke me.
-Ugh!
265
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,516
Actually, if everyone
could just put down
266
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:23,475
their "Who We Are and Who
We Aren't" discussion binders
267
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,869
for a minute, I have, um --
Ooh! [Sniffles]
268
00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:27,610
I have something important
to say.
269
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:30,352
First, thank you
for making me your president.
270
00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:32,876
And as president --Will: [ Parrotlike ]
Polly likes to say president.
271
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,791
Bawk!
Polly likes to say president.
272
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,227
Very clever, Will.
273
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,621
I will never tire
of your parrot jokes.
274
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:41,581
Anyway, I always assume
that as "stay-at-home moms,"
275
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:44,453
you'd given up
on your dreams, your careers,
276
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,847
proper fashion, fitness...
277
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:50,372
but I realize I didn't know
"Who You Are" at all.
278
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,331
And, today,
when Sebastian revealed...
279
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,072
When Sebastian
revealed to Chloe
280
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:57,031
that he wore
those off-brand polo tops
281
00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,076
because his deceased wife
bought them...
282
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,512
Rest in peace, Agnes!
283
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,775
Woman:
I can't believe it.
284
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:03,559
...I realized
how judge-y I'd been.
285
00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:06,388
And I owe you all
an apology.
286
00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:11,001
I have gotten to know
each and every one of you,
287
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:15,397
and I see how truly unique
and accomplished you are.
288
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,704
Michelle.
289
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:19,706
I always thought
those homemade relish trays
290
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,838
you brought to every
single neighborhood event
291
00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:25,102
was a little bit tired,
but I had never tried it.
292
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:26,582
Your cranberry-pickle
293
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:28,976
next-levels a Brie
like nothing else.
294
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:31,805
Audrey.
295
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,545
[ Sighs ] I thought
your choice of Crocs
296
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,156
for the Christmas party
was...
297
00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:36,723
well, frankly,
a call for help.
298
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:38,986
But I now realize
that plantar fasciitis
299
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,465
is the price you paid
for late nights
300
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:42,032
walking the halls
with a colic-y baby
301
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,773
and those long days
petitioning
302
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:46,863
for that life-saving
"Slow Children at Play" sign,
303
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:50,737
which, you know, could be
misinterpreted. It probably is.
304
00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:52,869
But most definitely
saves lives.
305
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,131
Marty: Yeah.
Needs a comma.
306
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:56,525
Do something.
She's going full Kanye.
307
00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:59,267
Well...You've all been
so helpful
308
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:00,747
and welcoming
with "my" kids.
309
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,619
And my version of success
was too tied up
310
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:06,143
in titles and money,
and I really --
311
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:07,797
Money and titles!
312
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:09,581
That is a wonderful speech.
313
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,279
That's what you need to be.
-Whoo!
314
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,368
I-I-I was
just getting started.We know. We know.
315
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:14,761
We're just -- It's --Woman: Thank you.
316
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,023
We're just gonna go
to the next episode now.
317
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:21,115
♪♪
318
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,160
Uh, my name.
319
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:24,684
Mike.
320
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,468
Ahk.
321
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:31,429
Yep.
322
00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:35,564
Okay.
323
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:38,001
Thank you.
[ Pops lips ]
324
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:40,003
See? You survived.Yeah.
325
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,266
Her disapproval
gutted me.
326
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,051
You know, I have
four meal subscriptions
327
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:45,443
because the cold callers
328
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,097
were all woman
I didn't want to disappoint?
329
00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:48,446
[ Chuckles ]
330
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:52,233
Okay, so...
[ Sighs ]
331
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,236
Your next "Izzy-Does-
Hawthorne" assignment.
332
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:58,413
Mm-hmm.Organize a suburban gathering.
333
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:01,068
Oh.Block party, uh, baby shower,
334
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:02,722
clam bake, your call,
335
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:05,594
but there must be at least
three mayonnaise-based salads...
336
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:10,120
Mm.
...and I will need to see
the aggressively dorky E-vite.
337
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:12,296
Mm-hmm. I assume
you'll be in attendance
338
00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:15,256
to verify that it's
all suitably humiliating?
339
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:17,432
Uh, I'll show up
if -- if you promise
340
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,216
to get the, uh,
Housewife Wedge
341
00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:23,133
with that lump
in -- on the crown, yeah.
342
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,526
Well, the joke's on you...
Oh?
343
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,397
...because I've always
wanted that haircut.
344
00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:29,923
Oh.Also, I'm already planning
the EJI Anniversary Party, so...
345
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:31,315
Edgy?
Yeah, EJI.
346
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:32,882
Hmm.
Emma-Jack-Izzy.
347
00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:33,927
Oh.
I have a tattoo on my ass.
348
00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:35,276
You wanna see it?
No.
349
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,668
No, because that,
you know.
350
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,322
Uh, I can't believe
I'm saying this,
351
00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:41,456
but, uh, I don't need evidence
of your poor choices.
352
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,284
You kind of radiate
their collective sum.
353
00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:44,676
Shut up.
Ow.
354
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,113
My Cock?
[Mike Ahk]
355
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,289
Thank you.
356
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:49,899
Your next assignment
357
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:53,250
is inappropriate day drinking
before 5:00 p.m.
358
00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:56,253
Uh, you do know
I am the vice principal
359
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,560
of a very prestigious
private school, right?
360
00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:01,171
Right?Well, we work exclusively
with teenagers.
361
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,304
So how is
that not a reason to drink?
362
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:04,958
Fair.
363
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:06,611
Mm...
All right,
come on, Mike Ahk.
364
00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:09,919
That's my name!
365
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:11,965
♪♪
366
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:14,750
[ Rock music plays ]
367
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,926
You feeling it?
You feeling it?
368
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:19,624
There's a dead animal
on the wall.
369
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,801
Straight razors,
strong black coffee.
370
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,064
Upstairs there's
a tequila bar/boxing club.
371
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:25,892
Made a reservation.Mm.
372
00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:27,284
If there was
an aerial photo of this place,
373
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,286
it'd be shaped
like a turgid penis.
374
00:13:29,373 --> 00:13:31,288
Or should be.
375
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:33,334
Uh, coffee. Black.
376
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,815
I'll have a medium roast,
if you have it.
377
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,425
Light and sweet.
378
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:40,820
Also, agave,
'cause I usually have...
379
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,473
Um, anything but stevia,
380
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:46,086
'cause that really makes
my stomach turn into -- What?
381
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,958
Um...do you not --
382
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:51,047
Mm.Uh, black is fine.
383
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,310
Yeah. Yeah.Yeah, that's cool.
Just black.
384
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:56,444
Well, this Nathan dude
clearly isn't the solution
385
00:13:56,531 --> 00:13:57,749
to your inability to relate
386
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,839
to other men
who aren't equally effeminate.
387
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,101
Nathan's a good guy.
388
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:02,624
He just needs an ear
and a shoulder,
389
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:04,147
and I happen
to have two of both.
390
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,757
That's the problem right there:
We're not "women."
391
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,585
We don't "listen"
to each other.
392
00:14:07,672 --> 00:14:10,110
We wage battle
until we know the sweet peace
393
00:14:10,197 --> 00:14:11,938
of occupying our rightful place
in the hierarchy.
394
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,070
That's what we do.
Right?
395
00:14:14,157 --> 00:14:16,377
You know, this joint
may be hipster bullshit,
396
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,554
and this guy's attempt
to stare us down laughable...
397
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,773
Excuse me, pal?
You wanna go a few rounds?
398
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:22,949
So fucking much.
Let's do it.
399
00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:24,515
Wanna do it?
Let's do it.
400
00:14:24,602 --> 00:14:26,039
You wanna fucking do it?
401
00:14:26,126 --> 00:14:27,518
Well...
402
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,042
I'm working right now,
so...
403
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,347
Thought so.
404
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,221
[ Laughs ] Damn.
405
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,268
Punk's like 25
and works out.
406
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:39,617
He could take me
without breaking a sweat.
407
00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:40,923
It's just all about these.
408
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,533
I know.
You have an intimidating face.
409
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,795
Just like this, right?
Yeah.
410
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,145
But hold on a second.
See them?
411
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:46,276
Yeah.
Right?
412
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:47,887
You know,
Dad used to do that.
413
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,410
Mm.
414
00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:50,933
I just want, like, someday,
415
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,283
for my girls to see me
be able to do that, you know?
416
00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:55,895
I've been thinking
about Dad a lot lately.
417
00:14:58,201 --> 00:14:59,289
What?
418
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:00,421
What? What what?
419
00:15:00,508 --> 00:15:02,640
No. What?
[ Scoffs ]
420
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,381
Just [Sighs]
421
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:05,905
he was such a cool guy,
you know?
422
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:07,950
Like, he could just
attract friends like flies.
423
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,518
Every weekend,
the basement was packed.
424
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,259
How do you become
a guy like that?
425
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:13,869
For starters, no more Nathan.
That's one.
426
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:17,307
Ehh. Well, he's hanging out
with Izzy more, anyway.
427
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,788
They've been working together
for like two weeks,
428
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,877
and they're already giving each
other "homework assignments."
429
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,140
Ooh!She's making him less pathetic,
430
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:27,187
and he's making her more
suburban, so it works out.
431
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,666
[ Chuckles ]
How playful.
432
00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:30,755
A little back and forth,
a little note passing.
433
00:15:30,842 --> 00:15:32,322
Fuck you.
They're just friends.
434
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:33,976
Yeah?
Like "Harry Met Sally"?
435
00:15:34,063 --> 00:15:35,717
Like those kind of friends?
How'd that end again?
436
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:37,110
Mm, I don't know.
437
00:15:37,197 --> 00:15:38,676
I don't watch rom-coms,
'cause I'm not a girl.
438
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,069
[ Chuckles ]
Nice. Well played.
439
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,853
Yeah.
Well, learned from the best.Yeah.
440
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,333
Nathan and I went to this --
441
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:44,813
You're gonna love this.Okay.
442
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,424
It was an all-male
"emotional recovery circle."
443
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:48,643
You know,
"emotional recovery groups"
444
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:50,036
are part of the plot
by women
445
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,428
to make all men
their gay best friends,
446
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,604
and that's the truth.You sound like Mom.
447
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:55,215
And Alex Jones.
448
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,043
But mostly Mom.
449
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:58,696
Yeah, well,
you know Mom was trying
450
00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:00,263
to help you the only way
she knew how, right?
451
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:03,571
Okay. Says the guy that she
refers to as her only son.
452
00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:05,225
What is it?
453
00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:06,443
What is that look?
454
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:07,792
What?
You're -- Pshh!
455
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:09,925
What is up
with these expressions
456
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:11,666
of flickering humanity
that I'm seeing in your face?
457
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,059
It's really throwing me off.
458
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:16,410
Man: Trakarsky and Trakarsky,
you're up!
459
00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:18,281
Hey, you ready to let me
knock some man into you? Hey?
460
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,936
Oh, no. Hey, you serious?
You thought we were boxing?
461
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:23,112
I'm going home
for a nooner with Izzy.
462
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:24,548
What?
Yeah.
463
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:26,202
Well, technically, it's
an after-school special.
464
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:29,249
We're trying to figure out
if we can have sex in twos.
465
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:30,554
Well, I'm sure
that made sense to you.
466
00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:31,642
It does.
467
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,035
Anyway, good luck.
468
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:34,210
Maybe you can punch yourself
in the face
469
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:35,298
and knock some sense
in yourself?
470
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:37,387
Ooh!
And he leaves with a bang.
471
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,520
Zinger!
All right, nice.
472
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:44,003
♪♪
473
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:45,308
[ Dialing ]
474
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:46,918
Emma: Hi.
It's Emma Trakarsky.
475
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,137
Please leave a message,
your number,
476
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,399
and I will call you back.
477
00:16:49,486 --> 00:16:51,575
[ Beep]Hey, Em, it's Gabe.
478
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:53,273
We need to talk.
479
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:57,538
♪♪
480
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,366
So, it's your protégé's
first day?
481
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,889
Yeah. I'm actually
kind of nervous for her.
482
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:02,369
Hey!
-Hi.
483
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:03,674
Hey!
-Hi!
484
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,111
Oh. Dang.
485
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,591
You are the most popular girl
in school.
486
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,289
Well, it makes up for my
actual high-school experience.
487
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:10,725
-Hey.
-Hey!
488
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:13,293
Hey! Where the jock chicks
called me Dizzy Silva
489
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:14,685
and dumped slushies
down my back, so --
490
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,122
Hey!
-Huh.
491
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,949
Freaks, geeks,
and cheerleader villains?
492
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,690
Kind of
a tropey adolescence, Iz.
493
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,997
That's Dr. Silva to you,
Gabriel.
494
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:25,435
Ohh-kay.
495
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:28,047
[ Pop music plays ]
496
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:37,056
♪♪
497
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:46,021
♪♪
498
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:47,457
For the record,
I'm not stoned,
499
00:17:47,544 --> 00:17:52,419
but is she walking
in actual slow motion?
500
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,203
Excuse me.
501
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:55,422
I'll, um...
502
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:57,337
Orientation.
503
00:17:57,424 --> 00:17:59,208
♪♪
504
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:01,123
[ Smooches ]
505
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:02,472
My office.
506
00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:03,778
Now.
507
00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:06,433
Ow!
Hello.
508
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,524
Sit down.
[ Chuckles ]
509
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:15,529
Orientation is
quite the set things --
510
00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:18,662
Okay, so,
here's the dealio, okay?
511
00:18:18,749 --> 00:18:21,970
We're gonna go ahead and
tone down this lovely ensemble
512
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:23,754
from the Shirley Manson
Kmart collection,
513
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:26,192
and please tell me that
this anime hair is temporary.
514
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:29,151
Izzy. I really
appreciate everything
515
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:30,718
that you have done for me,
516
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,372
but New Girl Status
has a shelf life
517
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:35,114
of roughly two weeks,
so it's ride or die.
518
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,376
What are
you talking about?
519
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:38,639
Hawthorne is chill,
so you chill.
520
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:42,556
I'm digging the groovy
intolerance-for-
intolerance vibe,
521
00:18:42,643 --> 00:18:44,688
but high-school hierarchy
is eternal and real,
522
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:46,429
and it's comin' for me.
523
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,779
I don't have a response
for that, so, just, whatever.
524
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:50,651
Find somebody to be
your ambassador
525
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,435
and show you around, okay?
526
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,220
Hey.
527
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:57,701
I was just coming in to pick up
this month's Off Campus Pass.
528
00:18:57,788 --> 00:18:59,094
You've never
done that before.
529
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:00,704
You know,
I'm an off-campus kinda guy.
530
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:03,838
Always doing
cool off-campus kinda stuff.
531
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:05,448
Hey, are you the new girl?
532
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,885
I-I didn't see you come in.
533
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:09,583
Oh, hey.
Off Campus Guy, right?
534
00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:10,888
Yeah, New Girl.
535
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:13,021
Oh, my God.
Just show her around.
536
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:14,501
Yes!
537
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:15,893
C'mon, handsome.
538
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:18,461
Sasha. Just -- Mm...
539
00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,376
Okay, Sash--[ Cellphone chimes ]
540
00:19:22,117 --> 00:19:23,031
[ Cellphone chimes ]
541
00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:24,380
[ Chuckles ]
542
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:29,994
That doesn't even
make any sense.
543
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:32,910
♪♪
544
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:34,999
Hey, babe!
545
00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:37,480
Is it me, or do
these kick-ass new glasses
546
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,308
scream out
for artisanal hot dogs?
547
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:42,093
Babe,
do artisanal hot dogs exist,
548
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,531
or did I just come up
with my new business?
549
00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:47,055
You know what?
That is it, mister!
550
00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:49,100
What, did something bad
happen to you
551
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,537
involving
high-class wieners?
552
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:52,495
Just because you're
suddenly an entrepreneur
553
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:53,975
with a magical penis
doesn't mean
554
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:56,064
that you're the new sheriff
in town. Capisce?
555
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:58,109
Not in the slightest.
No capisce-ing over here.
556
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,763
Get me a beer! Now!
557
00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:02,418
Is that clear enough?
558
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,116
[ Sighs ]
559
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:10,557
♪♪
560
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:16,258
♪♪
561
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,521
You -- You were serious?
562
00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:20,349
You actually named
the bar "Therapy"?
563
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:21,481
I actually did.
564
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:23,178
And you're
the star attraction.
565
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,962
Huh.
566
00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:28,662
Ahh!
567
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,229
Oh.
568
00:20:33,754 --> 00:20:35,059
Mm.
Mm.
569
00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:36,583
Getting good, huh?
570
00:20:36,670 --> 00:20:37,714
Firm.
571
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:39,063
Yet gentle.
572
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:40,413
What? Uh...
573
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:43,111
What's going on here?
What's with that face?
574
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:44,808
How -- How's that?
575
00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:47,463
Uh, you named the bar after me,
you just fetched me a beer,
576
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:49,248
and now you're massaging
my feet, so...
577
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,206
what's with
the cocky demeanor, huh?
578
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:53,382
Uh...
579
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,732
Oh, God.
580
00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:57,952
Oh, God, you're topping me
from the bottom.
581
00:20:58,039 --> 00:20:59,301
Am I supposed to know
what that means?
582
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:00,868
Oh, please!
That's street-level S&M
583
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:03,436
for a slave who subtly and
insidiously seizes control!
584
00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:08,832
I'm onto you, Topper.
585
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:13,576
♪♪
586
00:21:13,663 --> 00:21:16,449
I mean, how did I not think
this was gonna get weird?
587
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:18,407
♪♪
588
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:20,627
Up here,
we got the "Contour Club."
589
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:23,499
If you could see through
their eyes, we're not even here.
590
00:21:23,586 --> 00:21:25,240
From there, we've got
the approachable J-Law version,
591
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:26,807
"Chill Chicks."
592
00:21:26,894 --> 00:21:28,896
Running laterally,
we've got the "Meme Trash,"
593
00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:30,463
and
the "Woke Pixie Girls."
594
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,552
Then we have the "Sporty
Spices," the "Cybergoths,"
595
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,771
and, finally,
"The SadGirlz."
596
00:21:34,858 --> 00:21:36,425
And, uh, sexually,
it's best not to identify
597
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:37,818
with anyone or anything.
598
00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:39,602
Oh, I actually did
my homework on this one.
599
00:21:39,689 --> 00:21:42,866
Basically everyone's
pansexual now, right?
600
00:21:42,953 --> 00:21:44,781
So fucking cool.
601
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,044
Yeah, #MeToo.
[ Chuckles ]
602
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,091
Sorry.
Appropriation foul.
603
00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:51,353
Get woke.
604
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,747
[ Chuckles ]
You're pan?
605
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:55,531
Some people
don't see color.
606
00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:57,098
I don't see anything.
607
00:21:57,185 --> 00:22:00,667
Not like I'm legally blind.
I just -- I...
608
00:22:00,754 --> 00:22:02,277
Uh, yes, I'm pan.
609
00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:04,192
Really?
610
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:05,367
Cool.
611
00:22:05,454 --> 00:22:07,848
Yeah, it is.
612
00:22:07,935 --> 00:22:10,503
Hey, Alex!
What's up?
613
00:22:10,590 --> 00:22:13,375
Oh.
Gabriel, right?
614
00:22:13,462 --> 00:22:15,508
[ Chuckles ]
Always joshing, this one.
615
00:22:15,595 --> 00:22:17,423
That's -- That's why
we call him the Josher.
616
00:22:17,510 --> 00:22:20,164
Yeah, it's -- it's a bit
of a placeholder.
617
00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:22,079
But, hey, have you seen
"Alex Strangelove" yet?
618
00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:23,516
Oh, it was so awesome.
619
00:22:23,603 --> 00:22:25,126
It was super-cathartic.
620
00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:27,171
So there for it.
So stoked.
621
00:22:27,258 --> 00:22:28,782
What's your favorite part?
622
00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:34,657
You know, the part
where they finally...
623
00:22:34,744 --> 00:22:36,224
kissed?
Oh, at the prom!
624
00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:37,878
That was --
That was so peak.
625
00:22:37,965 --> 00:22:39,706
So peak.
Best scene ever.
626
00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:41,272
Wow. Okay.
627
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:44,450
Kind of an "Alex Strangelove"
super-fan, aren't ya?
628
00:22:46,277 --> 00:22:47,801
I'd -- I'd see it again.
629
00:22:47,888 --> 00:22:54,938
♪♪
630
00:22:55,025 --> 00:22:56,505
Take off your pants.
631
00:22:56,592 --> 00:22:57,506
Ask nicely.
632
00:22:57,593 --> 00:22:59,421
Maybe I wasn't asking.
633
00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:04,121
♪♪
634
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:06,297
[ Southern accent ]
Oh, Mister Fiftyshades...
635
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,474
Oh, that's not my character's
name, but I like the accent.
636
00:23:08,561 --> 00:23:09,866
Take off your clothes.
637
00:23:09,953 --> 00:23:11,085
What does
it look like I'm doing?
638
00:23:11,172 --> 00:23:12,782
Do it faster.I don't know, man.
639
00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:15,785
If I do it any faster, it's
gonna look a little cartoonish.
640
00:23:19,180 --> 00:23:20,660
Absolutely not.
641
00:23:20,747 --> 00:23:22,531
Maybe that's the way
I'm taking off my belt now,
642
00:23:22,618 --> 00:23:24,490
like I really mean it.
Is it?
643
00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:26,056
No.
644
00:23:27,971 --> 00:23:29,582
This was such a good idea.
645
00:23:29,669 --> 00:23:31,758
Emma's perfectly happy
at Binge Club.
646
00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:34,021
She did insist?
647
00:23:34,108 --> 00:23:35,414
Yeah, I mean, she --
648
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:37,111
I mean, she really
strongly suggested it.
649
00:23:37,198 --> 00:23:39,418
Okay.
No, but did she mean it?
Mm.
650
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,028
Like, was she just trying
to tell us
651
00:23:41,115 --> 00:23:42,290
what we wanted to hear,
or...
652
00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:44,161
Yes?
Oh, no. We're losing it.
653
00:23:44,248 --> 00:23:45,598
Oh, shit.
654
00:23:45,685 --> 00:23:47,164
Not on my watch.
655
00:23:48,209 --> 00:23:50,341
-Aah!
-Ooh, shit!
656
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:51,865
Are you okay?
I didn't mean that.
657
00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:54,302
Fuck, man!I'm sorry. I [Sighs]
658
00:23:54,389 --> 00:23:56,043
I've just been questioning
my masculinity
659
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:57,827
a lot lately, and...
660
00:23:57,914 --> 00:23:59,220
been thinking
about my dad a lot.
661
00:23:59,307 --> 00:24:01,091
Oh, hey, hey, let's not
talk about our parents
662
00:24:01,178 --> 00:24:02,658
when we're trying to have sex.No. Right. Sorry.
663
00:24:02,745 --> 00:24:03,790
Yeah.
664
00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:05,313
♪ Yeah, yeah
665
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,576
Apology accepted.
666
00:24:09,578 --> 00:24:10,971
Oh.
667
00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:14,148
Um...
668
00:24:14,235 --> 00:24:15,845
I kissed you on the nose.
669
00:24:15,932 --> 00:24:18,065
Ah, fuck.
[ Sighs ]
670
00:24:18,152 --> 00:24:19,762
We lost it, didn't we?Yeah.
671
00:24:19,849 --> 00:24:20,981
Shit.
[ Sighs ]
672
00:24:21,068 --> 00:24:22,461
Sex has left the building,
673
00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:26,465
slammed the door, seemed
really disappointed in us.
674
00:24:26,552 --> 00:24:28,902
Like, 10 minutes
of calm meditation.
675
00:24:28,989 --> 00:24:31,121
Then I'm gonna hit dat.
All of it.
676
00:24:31,208 --> 00:24:34,995
If the rental house is
a-rockin', don't ring the...
677
00:24:35,082 --> 00:24:37,388
wireless...
678
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:38,912
doorbell...
679
00:24:38,999 --> 00:24:40,914
with webcam capability.
680
00:24:41,001 --> 00:24:42,568
Good one, honey.
Thanks.
681
00:24:42,655 --> 00:24:45,614
It seems stupid now maybe,
but I bought some stuff.
682
00:24:45,701 --> 00:24:48,356
Oh.
Let me be the judge of that.
683
00:24:48,443 --> 00:24:54,667
♪♪
684
00:24:54,754 --> 00:24:56,582
Oh.
685
00:24:56,669 --> 00:25:01,282
♪♪
686
00:25:01,369 --> 00:25:02,979
We can have fun with these.
687
00:25:03,066 --> 00:25:04,503
Yep.
688
00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:06,896
♪♪
689
00:25:06,983 --> 00:25:08,115
Ew.
690
00:25:08,202 --> 00:25:09,812
Oh, it was three for one,
so...
691
00:25:09,899 --> 00:25:11,335
Okay.
Yeah.
692
00:25:11,422 --> 00:25:15,470
♪♪
693
00:25:15,557 --> 00:25:16,819
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
694
00:25:16,906 --> 00:25:17,907
Oh, yeah.
695
00:25:17,994 --> 00:25:19,300
Yeah?
[ Chuckles ]
696
00:25:19,387 --> 00:25:20,780
What are you thinking?
697
00:25:20,867 --> 00:25:22,390
Is it the same as I'm...
698
00:25:22,477 --> 00:25:23,870
Just give me a hint.
699
00:25:23,957 --> 00:25:25,262
Audrey:
I don't mean to offend anyone,
700
00:25:25,349 --> 00:25:26,742
but I think
that she was an evil slut,
701
00:25:26,829 --> 00:25:28,091
and that she deserved
to die.
702
00:25:28,178 --> 00:25:29,440
I'm gonna stop you
right there, okay?
703
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,312
As someone
who identifies as an Agnes --
704
00:25:31,399 --> 00:25:33,880
Oh, wait.
You identify as a dead narrator?
705
00:25:33,967 --> 00:25:36,230
I place a very high value
on perspective. I do.
706
00:25:36,317 --> 00:25:38,188
-Yeah, but that doesn't --
-Not to break up your, uh,
707
00:25:38,275 --> 00:25:40,234
emotional circle jerk,
but Lala's outside
708
00:25:40,321 --> 00:25:41,975
ticketing all your cars.
-Wait, what?!
709
00:25:42,062 --> 00:25:44,412
-No!
-Oh!
710
00:25:45,848 --> 00:25:49,025
Emma: Lala? I seriously
have to call her Lala?
711
00:25:49,112 --> 00:25:51,680
Hi! Hi.
Excuse me. Um...
712
00:25:51,767 --> 00:25:53,334
[ Chuckles ]
What do you think you're doing?
713
00:25:53,421 --> 00:25:55,902
Don't worry.
No biggie. Minor fine.
714
00:25:55,989 --> 00:25:57,991
Ah. Well, are you a cop?Oh, dear Lord, no.
715
00:25:58,078 --> 00:25:59,732
No, I'm Lala.
716
00:25:59,819 --> 00:26:01,081
So, that's -- that's,
like, a nickname?
717
00:26:01,168 --> 00:26:02,604
It's, like, not.
718
00:26:02,691 --> 00:26:04,258
Shall I tell my parents
you don't approve?
719
00:26:04,345 --> 00:26:06,521
This is Lala.
Hi, Lala!
720
00:26:06,608 --> 00:26:09,698
Lala is
the super-awesome president
721
00:26:09,785 --> 00:26:11,091
of our
Homeowners Association.
722
00:26:11,178 --> 00:26:13,049
Elected six months ago
in a landslide.
723
00:26:13,136 --> 00:26:14,616
Largest margin of victory
since --
724
00:26:14,703 --> 00:26:16,139
HOAs are so cute.
725
00:26:16,226 --> 00:26:18,141
I'm Emma Trakarsky,
president of the Binge Club.
726
00:26:18,228 --> 00:26:19,490
Welcome to
the neighborhood, Emma.
727
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:20,840
Welcome back, actually.
728
00:26:20,927 --> 00:26:23,277
Yeah, sadly,
I can't recognize your authority
729
00:26:23,364 --> 00:26:25,018
because it turns out
your club is -- eek!...Oh.
730
00:26:25,105 --> 00:26:26,541
...unsanctioned.
731
00:26:26,628 --> 00:26:29,326
Why don't you just -- Oh!That's -- That's so cute.
732
00:26:29,413 --> 00:26:30,806
Did you make these
at home?
733
00:26:30,893 --> 00:26:32,242
No, I got them at Costco.
734
00:26:32,329 --> 00:26:34,201
Listen, I'd love
to look the other way,
735
00:26:34,288 --> 00:26:36,769
but the neighborhood
overwhelmingly entrusted me
736
00:26:36,856 --> 00:26:38,988
with upholding
our agreed-upon ordinances.
737
00:26:39,075 --> 00:26:41,730
We're talking
94.5% of the vote, so...
738
00:26:41,817 --> 00:26:43,602
yeah, obvious mandate.
739
00:26:43,689 --> 00:26:46,561
Anyhoo, yeah,
had some complaints.
740
00:26:46,648 --> 00:26:49,129
Curb parking.
Yuck, right?
741
00:26:49,216 --> 00:26:50,870
Totally yuck.
Yeah.
742
00:26:50,957 --> 00:26:52,698
Okay, well, here's an idea.
Try and keep up.
743
00:26:52,785 --> 00:26:54,351
Why don't we just park
in our own driveways?
744
00:26:54,438 --> 00:26:56,005
That'd be so great.Problem solved.
745
00:26:56,092 --> 00:26:58,529
That way, I can void the
individual parking infractions
746
00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:01,794
and just levy the entire fine
against whomever's in charge.
747
00:27:01,881 --> 00:27:04,405
I assume that's you,
Madame President?
748
00:27:04,492 --> 00:27:06,189
Bawk!
President Polly!
749
00:27:06,276 --> 00:27:07,277
Bawk!
750
00:27:07,364 --> 00:27:08,757
Uh...gotta go.
751
00:27:08,844 --> 00:27:10,019
Oh, my God.
-I have a few more.
752
00:27:10,106 --> 00:27:11,760
Marty:
What was she thinking?
753
00:27:13,457 --> 00:27:16,025
La-la-la-blow me!
754
00:27:16,112 --> 00:27:17,984
[ Sighs ]
755
00:27:18,071 --> 00:27:22,945
♪♪
756
00:27:23,032 --> 00:27:24,033
Oh, my God.
757
00:27:26,209 --> 00:27:29,473
Uh, it's --
It's not what it looks like.
758
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:30,779
Or maybe it is.
759
00:27:30,866 --> 00:27:32,520
What do you think
it looks like?
760
00:27:32,607 --> 00:27:34,565
Did you sneak home...
761
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:36,176
to nap?
762
00:27:36,263 --> 00:27:38,352
Uh...
763
00:27:38,439 --> 00:27:42,922
♪ Flowers of uranium
764
00:27:43,009 --> 00:27:46,142
♪ And the kids just play along
765
00:27:46,229 --> 00:27:50,146
♪ Pictures of you and me
in love ♪
766
00:27:50,233 --> 00:27:53,933
♪ And the kids just play along
767
00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:59,199
♪♪
768
00:27:59,286 --> 00:28:02,463
♪ Sweetheart
769
00:28:02,550 --> 00:28:05,945
♪ Believe me
770
00:28:06,032 --> 00:28:11,385
♪ I've just been so damn tired,
wiped out completely ♪
771
00:28:14,475 --> 00:28:23,702
♪♪
54322
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