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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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00:00:03,264 --> 00:00:04,656
You actually named the bar
"Therapy"?
3
00:00:04,743 --> 00:00:06,658
I actually did.Just because you're suddenly
4
00:00:06,745 --> 00:00:08,399
an entrepreneur
with a magical penis
5
00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:11,011
doesn't mean that you're the new
sheriff in town, capisce?
6
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,665
Mom's coming to town, and Jack's
gonna make nice with her,
7
00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,189
or I'm gonna go
postal on his ass.
8
00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:17,234
Sheriff Lala is fining us
for Izzy's door.
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00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:23,458
That door represents our lives,
our family, and our freedom!
10
00:00:23,545 --> 00:00:24,850
And scene.
11
00:00:24,937 --> 00:00:26,374
A-plus on the outrage.
12
00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:28,289
Jack and Emma, you stepped
outside of your relationship
13
00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:30,465
to find a spark,
and that spark's name is Izzy.
14
00:00:30,552 --> 00:00:34,077
So why shouldn't she have
the same opportunity to explore?
15
00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:35,644
Is that what you want?No.
16
00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:38,473
Remember my boss Nathan?
17
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:42,477
Last night, we made some
not-so-good choices.
18
00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:43,869
Holy shit.
19
00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:46,959
We just egged the holy fuck
out of Lala's door.
20
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,526
Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.
21
00:00:48,613 --> 00:00:50,180
Why did I drag you into this?
22
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,790
I wanted to be with you.
23
00:00:51,877 --> 00:00:53,401
It's Lala, and she
brought a movie.
24
00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:54,532
What kind of movie?
25
00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,360
A mash-up of my two
favorite genres --
26
00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,319
true crime and found footage.
27
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,190
From my neighbor's
security camera.
28
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:07,197
♪♪
29
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:10,983
Neighbor burned me a copy
of his security cam footage...
30
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:14,161
so I can take it to the police.
31
00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:15,423
What?
32
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:17,642
You're looking a little rough,
sugar baby.
33
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:19,079
Excuse me?
34
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:20,819
Did you break into
the grown-up's liquor cabinet?
35
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:22,169
If you have something
to say to me --
36
00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:26,390
Ooh!
This is the good part!
37
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,088
Is that Nathan?Bam!
38
00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:29,741
Huh?
-It's...
39
00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:31,787
[ Sighs ]
40
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:39,403
Nothing to see.
41
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:40,448
What the fuck, Iz?
42
00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:41,797
Was Coach Remi right?
43
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,625
Do you want to see other people?No!
44
00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:46,280
No, that's --
are you guys fucking kidding me?
45
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,282
I mean, it --
it -- it's not what it look --
46
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:50,371
I mean, I ca-- I can't.
I...
47
00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:52,460
Okay, so you guys are seeing
what you want to see.
48
00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:54,375
That's clear.
49
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,116
What -- What is that
supposed to mean?
50
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:58,466
You think we wanted
you to cheat?
51
00:01:58,553 --> 00:01:59,467
I --Hey, how's about you save
52
00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:00,729
the therapy for some other time
53
00:02:00,816 --> 00:02:02,296
and we circle on back to
the tape?
54
00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:05,777
In what way is you making out
with Nathan our fault?
55
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,475
-Or not.
-A, I didn't.
56
00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:09,259
[ Scoffs ]
57
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,305
And B, you know what?
58
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,698
How about we just
cut the bullshit, okay?
59
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,918
And let's just admit that we're
never leaving Stepford,
60
00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:17,311
and I'm never
having my own kids.
61
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,704
How about you cut the bullshit,
Izzy?
62
00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,576
Saying that we want you
to run off with Nathan
63
00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,012
is the most
desperate diversion
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00:02:23,099 --> 00:02:24,927
I have ever heard
in my fucking life.
65
00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:26,842
Okay, so, when you got pregnant,
66
00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:29,279
we didn't just circle
right back around to the life
67
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:32,630
you dreamt of
before we met, right?
68
00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:33,936
If this isn't what you want,
69
00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:36,330
then why didn't you
just say something?
70
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:38,332
You know, instead of buying us
pumpkin spice candles
71
00:02:38,419 --> 00:02:40,943
and planning a party.
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00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,466
It seems implied, like,
73
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:44,816
it's mixed into this great
big bouillabaisse of crazy,
74
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:46,514
but you are confessing, right?
75
00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:50,387
I'm sorry, Lala.
76
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:55,479
If I lose my job, we're gonna
lose this house, and...
77
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:56,828
I can't believe I'm saying this,
78
00:02:56,915 --> 00:03:00,441
but Hawthorne Heights
is as good a place as any.
79
00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:02,486
♪♪
80
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:05,272
What?
It is?
81
00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:11,191
♪♪
82
00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:14,672
I said I'd try, so I will.
83
00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:22,027
♪♪
84
00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:23,333
This is intense.
85
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,075
Listen, uh, how's about you
stay off my lawn
86
00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:27,772
and clean that egg off my door,
87
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:30,384
and we'll call it a day,
okay, sugar baby?
88
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:33,038
I will.
89
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,302
[ Door opens, closes ]
90
00:03:35,389 --> 00:03:37,782
[ Cellphone ringing ]
91
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:45,007
Oh, fuck.
92
00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:46,791
It's Helen.
93
00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:50,882
Oh, God, I need this.
94
00:03:50,969 --> 00:03:53,842
♪♪
95
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,540
♪ Hey
96
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:58,890
♪ Hey, Mr. Sunshine
97
00:03:58,977 --> 00:04:01,371
♪ Come on and light my day
98
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:04,983
♪♪
99
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,942
♪ Bringing on the good times
100
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:10,337
♪ When you come out to play
101
00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:12,556
♪ Hey
102
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:15,255
♪ Oh
103
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:19,346
♪ Come on and light my day
104
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:23,785
♪ Shine down so we can play
105
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:25,787
♪ Come on, come out today
106
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:29,921
♪ Come on,
come out today ♪
107
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:31,445
Guys, guys, guys.
108
00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:33,795
I got news.
I got glorious news.
109
00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:35,753
I just won the lottery.Is -- Is that a joke?
110
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,451
That -- That's a joke, right?
111
00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:38,800
Please tell me
that's a fucking joke.
112
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,802
Five hunny, baby.
113
00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:42,151
Dinner's on Daddy.
114
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:44,458
Okay, for the record,
if he won five billion,
115
00:04:44,545 --> 00:04:45,720
I still wouldn't
call him that.
116
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,809
Unless you were screamin' it,
am I right?
117
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:49,767
A sex joke.Okay.
118
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:51,378
So exciting!
119
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,988
Hey, um, I'm gonna go pee
for a while
120
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:54,990
and maybe
scarf your best vodka.
121
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:56,165
Probably at the same time.
122
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:58,515
So just, uh, have
a wonderful day you...
123
00:04:58,602 --> 00:04:59,342
Uh...
124
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:01,953
You, uh...
125
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,738
Winner.
126
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:08,917
"Daddy?"
127
00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:10,310
Oh, yeah, I'd go back
128
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:13,051
and leave that one
in the chamber if I could.
129
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:16,925
♪ Look at all these words
I'm saying ♪
130
00:05:17,012 --> 00:05:20,276
♪ Oh
131
00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:23,714
♪ Look at how our hearts beat
132
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:27,327
Uh, no, no, I understand.
133
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:31,374
Well, thank you
for being honest.
134
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:33,420
Yeah, if we could just --
135
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,509
[ Sighs ]
136
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,511
It's over.
137
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,339
And houses on this block
hit the market, like --
138
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,253
Never.Yeah, never.
139
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,734
Yeah, somebody convinced her
to take a matching offer
140
00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:46,084
and that no one wants us
in the neighborhood.
141
00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:51,829
We made up, remember?
142
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,876
You guys can't possibly think
that this makes me happy.
143
00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:57,705
[ Scoffs ]
144
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,750
[ Sighs ]
145
00:05:59,837 --> 00:06:01,448
Honey, you're gonna
hurt yourself -- just say it.
146
00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,580
I need to know that this will
never happen again, okay?
147
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:07,105
We're about to have twins.
We don't need a third child.
148
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:11,066
Well, you've made that pretty
damn clear, haven't you, Em?
149
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:13,242
You know what? Let's --
Let's settle down, okay?
150
00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:14,548
Nobody's decided anything
about anything.
151
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,332
No, you know what?
She's right.
152
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:22,207
I don't want any more kids.
153
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:23,774
Full stop.
154
00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,036
Iz, we're almost 40.
155
00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:27,169
We want to retire someday,
travel.
156
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,432
That's not gonna happen if we're
paying college tuitions
157
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,434
into our sixties.
158
00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:34,219
And we've talked about this
so many times.
159
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,265
Unless you've changed your mind.
160
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:45,709
♪♪
161
00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:55,197
♪♪
162
00:06:55,284 --> 00:06:56,894
Well, there it is.
163
00:06:56,981 --> 00:07:02,726
♪♪
164
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:08,645
♪♪
165
00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:10,342
Thanks, I guess.
166
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:17,262
♪♪
167
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:24,182
♪♪
168
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:29,492
My issue isn't with the concept
of fitness, per se.
169
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:32,495
It's with the people that
actually pursue it, you know?
170
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,846
Mm-hmm. I pursue things that are
easier to catch.
171
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:39,328
Like the perfect pairing of
a cheeseburger and a craft beer.
172
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:42,374
But, like, my fear is that
the moment
173
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,899
I find it, I die.
174
00:07:44,986 --> 00:07:48,163
[ Both giggle ]
175
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:51,471
I'm joking?
Uh, cool.
176
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,342
Brilliant.
177
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:55,953
I mean, you just get it,
all of it.
178
00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:00,001
You just strip it down to its
most fundamental principles.
179
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:01,872
I do all those things?
180
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,395
That seems so unlikely.
181
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,094
You're an amazing human.Hmm.
182
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:08,357
And I would love to play
just a small role
183
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:10,315
in whatever it is
that you're creating here.
184
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,056
It's a bar, okay?
185
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,102
With stools and booths.
186
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:15,756
Sorry, carry on.
187
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:21,239
♪♪
188
00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:22,937
All the love.
189
00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:25,330
Ahh.
190
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,202
How 'bout her, huh?
191
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:28,682
Got a signature sign off
and everything.
192
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,422
She's certainly a --
a shrew.
193
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,294
Oh, my God, right?
194
00:08:32,381 --> 00:08:36,298
Horrible, horrible interviewee.
195
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,257
Wait, oh, you're leaving?Yep.
196
00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:42,086
Can you actually...
197
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:44,001
Oh, a-are you seriously
asking me
198
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,134
to take out
that bag of trash?
199
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:47,918
Uh...
200
00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:51,879
I could easily lie to you
right now.
201
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:55,360
But I won't 'cause
I respect you too much.
202
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,537
And it's right there, and you
were just heading out, and...
203
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,408
And -- And -- And what?
You're the boss?
204
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:00,757
Hmm?
Is that what you were gonna say?
205
00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:03,151
No, I was gonna say
it's just full of Styrofoam,
206
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,893
so it's not heavy or gross,
but if you don't want to --
207
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,242
I quit, okay?
208
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:09,853
Good luck finding another
bartender with a PhD.
209
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:11,463
Fun fact,
seven of the applicants --
210
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,943
Oh, Jesus, really?
211
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,379
Oh, nope.
212
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,077
Neen, you're not seriously
gonna quit a bar
213
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:17,382
that I named for you?
214
00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:19,994
I'm, uh --
I'm quitting everything.
215
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:24,085
♪♪
216
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,869
I'm so confused right now.
217
00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:28,089
Yeah, that is abundantly clear.
218
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:34,399
♪♪
219
00:09:34,486 --> 00:09:40,754
♪♪
220
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:44,366
Every bumpy road
leads us to this rug.
221
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:47,761
♪♪
222
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:53,070
The hub of our universe.
223
00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:56,944
[ Both laugh ]
224
00:09:57,031 --> 00:10:00,861
Because we know we can only
get here
225
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:05,561
and to each other
by sabotaging ourselves.
226
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,781
Uh, speak for yourself,
head shrinker.
227
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:11,654
I'm the victim.
Shaun did this to me.
228
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:14,439
By getting his shit together?
229
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:19,314
Uh, by naming his bar
after you?
230
00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,751
By being really good at sex?
231
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:25,537
Oh, and, like,
firing off pheromones
232
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,453
like a fireworks show?
Come on.
233
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:31,761
He won the lottery.
234
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:34,111
Like metaphorically?
235
00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:35,809
Literally.
236
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:41,162
♪♪
237
00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:43,512
Of course he did.
238
00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:46,428
Okay, tell me your shit.
It always makes me feel better.
239
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:49,474
♪♪
240
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:53,391
Well...
241
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:57,831
Jack and Emma don't want
any more kids.
242
00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,789
"Full stop."
243
00:10:59,876 --> 00:11:02,139
Oh, fuck.
244
00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:04,533
I really thought that you were
in the batter's box.
245
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,449
I was.
246
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:11,845
And then Emma hit a, uh...
247
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:15,196
Two-child walk-off homer.
248
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:17,981
They're never leaving
Hawthorne Heights,
249
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:19,940
and they don't want
any more kids.
250
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:24,771
♪♪
251
00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:28,209
And we all keep
keeping secrets
252
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:29,863
because we're all
scared shitless
253
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:34,694
that our truths
can't live together.
254
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:36,783
And I think...
255
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:39,873
I think that
this commitment party
256
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,528
has become like
a, um...
257
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,269
A what?
258
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:50,448
Like, a, um...
259
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:52,712
Like a deadline, or something.
260
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:56,063
♪♪
261
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,935
Hey...
Hey.
262
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:03,548
That is way too heavy
for one little girl,
263
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:04,811
so let me help, okay?
264
00:12:04,898 --> 00:12:07,509
Okay.
265
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:10,338
So, don't buy the house
with them,
266
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:11,643
and don't adopt their kids.
267
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:16,387
Does that really mean
that it has to be over?
268
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:20,174
I think it does, yeah.
269
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:22,742
Well, you'll always have me.
270
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,395
Always.
271
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:28,095
♪♪
272
00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:31,141
I mean, it's pretty clear
at this point
273
00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:35,015
that we both keep blowing up
our other relationships
274
00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:38,758
so we can fulfill our destinies
of being stoned spinsters
275
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:40,455
who can only
stand each other.
276
00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:43,850
♪♪
277
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,808
But for real, you, uh --
278
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:48,855
you got to stop running to me
to tell me your truth,
279
00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:51,422
and you got to start
laying it on them.
280
00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:54,208
You guys are all scared shitless
of rocking the boat...
281
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,169
...but the boat
needs to be rocked.
282
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:03,434
♪♪
283
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:04,609
Hey.
284
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:06,437
Hello, you hear me?
285
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:09,049
Say something.
286
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,746
Power washer.
287
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:16,143
♪ Calling me home
288
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,840
♪♪
289
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:19,842
You're thinking about
Nathan and Izzy, aren't you?
290
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:24,586
Yeah. That freeze-frame image
is seared onto my eyelids.
291
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:25,979
Maybe Coach Crazy was right,
292
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:28,155
and that's why she was
"almost kissing" Nathan.
293
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:29,765
Yeah, well, I couldn't
do it his way.
294
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:31,985
No strings attached, each of
us free to see other people?
295
00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:33,813
I mean, I know myself.
I couldn't take it.
296
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,685
Same.So, tea, yes, maybe?
297
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:37,904
You know what?
No offense, Marty,
298
00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:39,383
but this is
the opposite of a tea situation.
299
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:41,429
Oh, look.
It's Polly.
300
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:42,865
And Polly's Penis.
301
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:44,998
Will, the neighbors want to talk
to you about the --
302
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:46,564
I don't care.
303
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:48,262
-Hold on.
-Wait.
304
00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:50,394
You're the one screwing us
over on the house, aren't you?
305
00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:53,093
Oh, because I'm gay
and fashionable and thin
306
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,530
and therefore the nosy neighbor
all up in your beeswax?
307
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:56,661
Because you're an asshole.
308
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:59,012
Objective fact.
Ask anyone.
309
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:00,404
Yeah.Ugh, I'm already bored of this.
310
00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:03,277
Uh, sure, fine, yeah, it was --
it was me.
311
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:05,453
Huh. So you're railroading us
out of this neighborhood
312
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,497
over an orange fucking door.
313
00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:07,629
Oh, I love your door.
314
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:10,545
Gonna paint our bedroom
Marigold 142.
315
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:13,722
And by the time I'm done,
a nice normal couple
316
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:16,246
with two and a half kids will be
moving into the Wilberg house.
317
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:17,726
A-A normal couple?Normal couple?
318
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,990
Yeah, I'm saying I'd rather have
a grotesque half-child
319
00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:22,862
lurching around
than you three asshats.
320
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:24,385
Wha-- did I seriously
just hear that
321
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:25,952
from a member of our community?
322
00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:28,389
You can back that shit
up real quick, Polly.
323
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:31,348
We are not members
of the same community.
324
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:35,570
L.G.B.T.Q.
325
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,964
The -- The "G" and the "B" are,
like, literally side-by-side.
326
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,226
So, some chamomile?
327
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,576
We're, uh --
That's what we're...
328
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:45,101
Spoiler alert: Your movie
ends badly.
329
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,189
Mnh-mnh.
330
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,799
"Open" is a myth.
331
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,889
A toxic, destructive myth.
332
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,412
I feel sorry for you.Yeah.
333
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:52,369
Somebody hurt you.
334
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,023
Wrong.
335
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:56,504
I did the hurting.
336
00:14:56,591 --> 00:15:00,073
So much, and now I get to drag
all that behind me
337
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,163
like some backasswards Sisyphus.
338
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:06,470
Fine, but you see us
hurting anyone?
339
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,255
Yeah, I do.
340
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,215
So, vodka it is.
341
00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:14,914
[ Door closes ]
342
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,567
Hey.
343
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,005
♪♪
344
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:20,354
Whoa.
345
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:23,792
Leave any for me?
346
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:25,881
Beer or the self-loathing?
347
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:27,622
For an alcoholic,
they're both one in the same.
348
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:28,928
I always forget that about you.
349
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,712
That's good,
because as a people,
350
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:33,106
we can be intermittently
insufferable.
351
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:38,981
Up until three hours and...
352
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,810
nine minutes ago,
I had the girl of my dreams.
353
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:43,638
Women started looking at me
like I was --
354
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:45,857
like I was Ryan Reynolds'
bigger-boned
355
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,511
but more approachable brother.
356
00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,992
I was $500 richer.
357
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,341
You blew your fortune already?
358
00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,735
I gave it all away.
359
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:55,171
Who does that?
360
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:59,654
But what good is money
if your heart is -- is...
361
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:01,177
It's like that chocolate
Easter bunny
362
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:03,136
you forgot
at the back of the fridge.
363
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:06,313
It's -- It's just cold,
and it's -- it's hollow.
364
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,054
And then when you bite into it,
it shatters
365
00:16:08,141 --> 00:16:09,272
into a million pieces.
366
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,839
You been saving that one up
for a while?
367
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,841
You might want to put it back.What the hell did I do?
368
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:15,713
Why -- Why --
Why's she so mad at me?
369
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,454
Just because things are going
my way for once?
370
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:20,675
I mean, my successes are her
successes, and vice versa,
371
00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:23,852
because we're --
we're a team.
372
00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:26,333
Does she know that?
That last part?
373
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:27,464
Well, we're talking
about a woman
374
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:29,771
who openly refers to me
as her slave.
375
00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:32,034
She literally texts me
a to-do list every Monday.
376
00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:34,297
I'm -- I'm pretty sure she's
confident in this relationship.
377
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,560
Yeah, but is she, though?
378
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:37,997
C-Can we --
379
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,563
Can we dispense with
the leading questions
380
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:42,958
and get to the hard-earned
drunk-pants wisdom?
381
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,961
Okay, coming atcha:
In all honesty,
382
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,571
I have never seen
a more literal example
383
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:50,966
of zero-to-hero
than you in all my life.
384
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:53,055
Sorry, and you're welcome.
385
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,796
No worries.
Thank you.
386
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:57,842
She's afraid of any man
who has more power than her
387
00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:00,019
because she's been hurt.
388
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,890
Yeah, more like destroyed.
389
00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:03,892
Her first love.
But come on, man.
390
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:07,026
I'm -- I'm Shaun
the fuckin' bartender.
391
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,723
Even I know
I'm an affable dipshit.
392
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:11,508
Yeah, but that was
"Parks and Rec" Chris Pratt.
393
00:17:11,595 --> 00:17:15,425
This is "Jurassic Park"
Chris Pratt.
394
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,775
Ah.
Ah.
395
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,342
Yeah, don't --
don't -- don't do that.
396
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,040
See?
I'm an affable dipshit.
397
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,084
I've made peace with this.
398
00:17:22,171 --> 00:17:23,564
You're living the dream, man.
399
00:17:23,651 --> 00:17:24,826
She was the best part
of the dream.
400
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:27,481
And now we've come full circle.
401
00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:29,874
Does she know that?
402
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,572
Oh.
403
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:33,095
See?
There you go.
404
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:36,316
That's a good one.
405
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,927
Ben, you're like Yoda.
406
00:17:39,014 --> 00:17:41,321
You know, if he was a carpenter,
which would be more like Jesus.
407
00:17:41,408 --> 00:17:44,324
Holy shit, man, you're Jesus.
408
00:17:44,411 --> 00:17:46,282
Your words, not mine.
409
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,241
Can't wear sandals
on a construction site, though.
410
00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:49,938
No, you can't.
411
00:17:50,025 --> 00:17:55,552
♪♪
412
00:17:55,639 --> 00:18:01,254
♪♪
413
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:02,429
Hey.
414
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,257
What's this?Oh, this?
415
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:06,128
This giant contraption
that I just hauled in?
416
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:11,046
Um, well, it's a ridiculously
on-the-nose metaphor
417
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,265
for a clean slate.
418
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,963
Babe, let's keep this
in perspective.
419
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:17,966
All you did was get drunk
and egg Lala's door.
420
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:19,576
I think that it's more
than that.
421
00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:23,014
Sometimes an egg is just an egg
and a door is just a door.
422
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,364
Okay, Freud.
423
00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:28,368
I don't think that this is
one of those times.
424
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:31,066
I drank my frontal lobe
into submission,
425
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:34,939
and my id shat where I sleep,
and I'm gonna wash away the egg,
426
00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:37,812
but I do think that we need
to talk about the shit.
427
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:39,814
What is your shitty id
trying to tell us?
428
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:42,599
Isn't it obvious?
She hates it here.
429
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:45,254
That's not true.
430
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:47,213
Okay, well,
it's not entirely true.
431
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:52,043
I just think that maybe
I'm here sooner than I thought.
432
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,045
We're keeping things
to ourselves
433
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,309
to protect our happy ending,
434
00:18:56,396 --> 00:18:58,702
and we're afraid to admit
that maybe we don't want
435
00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:03,098
exactly the same things
at exactly the same time.
436
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,274
Yeah.
Polly foul number 4.
437
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,232
Oh, fuck that shit.
438
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:08,234
Yeah, fuck that shit.
439
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:10,105
What are we?
440
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:11,628
My dad was right.
441
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:16,024
Don't tell him that,
but someone has to compromise,
442
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:19,027
and this time it's gonna be me.
443
00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:20,681
Hawthorne Heights is your home,
444
00:19:20,768 --> 00:19:23,336
and it makes sense for you
and your babies.
445
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:24,989
Our -- Our babies.
446
00:19:25,076 --> 00:19:26,382
Our babies.
447
00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:28,167
You're amazing.
448
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:31,866
And we are family!
449
00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:33,911
And that's worth fighting for,
I think.
450
00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,612
Okay, listen.
451
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:39,961
Focus.Dad, you said the thing.
452
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:41,528
Yeah, well, just focus
a little more.
453
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:42,877
Well, then you do it.
454
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:44,139
Don't -- listen --
don't worry about the paint.
455
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:46,576
HOA list has scads
of perfectly good options.
456
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,796
No reason whatsoever to stray
outside of it, right?
457
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:51,190
I was doing one spot
just like you said.
458
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:52,974
Oh, Will, Marty, you're here.
Sorry.
459
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,367
Um, could I have
a moment?
460
00:19:54,454 --> 00:19:56,934
Thank you for coming.
Just hold on one sec.
461
00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:04,159
Okay, um, I want to apologize
462
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:06,553
for all the trouble
that I've caused,
463
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,990
and I'm gonna paint our door
one of Lala's colors.
464
00:20:09,077 --> 00:20:10,513
I'm gonna say this real slow
465
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,385
'cause you don't seem to be
grasping the concept.
466
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:14,952
It's not about the fucking door.
467
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:16,476
Lala: That's especially
true now that
468
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:19,348
I filled out a request
for Marigold 142.
469
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:25,354
And, after careful deliberation,
I approved it.
470
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:26,921
Thank you.
471
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:28,575
We disrespected the community,
472
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:31,055
and we behaved like
we were above it...
473
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:33,710
or outside of it or whatever.
474
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:37,366
Look, it's on us to fit in,
and I think we know that now.
475
00:20:37,453 --> 00:20:38,846
However --You may just want to
476
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:40,978
stop right there.Almost done.
477
00:20:41,065 --> 00:20:44,808
However, you are totally
within your rights to bitch
478
00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:46,201
about the color of the door
479
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,290
and anything that happens
outside of it,
480
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:53,034
but what happens inside is
none of your fucking business.
481
00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:55,428
Oh.Are we clear?
482
00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:57,256
You made your point,
Sugar Baby.
483
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,953
Mm, that's gonna stop.
484
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,998
I'm gonna need you to say
"We're clear, Izzy,"
485
00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:02,478
because that's my name.
486
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,001
We are clear, IzzyWe're clear, Izzy.
487
00:21:04,088 --> 00:21:05,438
I never had an issue with you.
488
00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:07,353
I know.
489
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,093
I will take that, so, thanks.
490
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:13,402
Um, one last thing,
I want the house, okay?
491
00:21:13,489 --> 00:21:16,405
I can't fuck this up for them.Sorry. It's out of my hands now.
492
00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,407
Whoa.
493
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:21,105
Okay, maybe I can make
the other offer go away,
494
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:23,151
but it won't be easy.
495
00:21:23,238 --> 00:21:25,458
Done.
Ah, I'm exhausted.
496
00:21:25,545 --> 00:21:26,633
You owe me.
497
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,199
I'm gonna go take
a well-deserved nap.
498
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,288
Thank you so much.
499
00:21:29,375 --> 00:21:30,637
Probably not hugging,
though, sorry.
500
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:31,638
Okay.I'm hugging.
501
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:33,466
Thank you.Oh, you're a little wet.
502
00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:35,381
Oh, that's not a problem.
503
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:36,773
I like that big stick.
504
00:21:36,860 --> 00:21:38,035
What's happening?
505
00:21:38,122 --> 00:21:40,473
Is he in this, uh --No.
506
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,431
Just gonna ask
if he used vinegar.
507
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,914
Like that?That's great.
508
00:21:47,001 --> 00:21:54,095
♪♪
509
00:21:54,182 --> 00:22:01,276
♪♪
510
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,322
Hey.Nope, you just sit.
511
00:22:03,409 --> 00:22:04,627
You can sit.
512
00:22:04,714 --> 00:22:06,934
Cool -- We're not, uh --
that's how it is.
513
00:22:07,021 --> 00:22:07,935
No hugs.
514
00:22:08,022 --> 00:22:09,502
Uh, sorry.
515
00:22:09,589 --> 00:22:12,200
Um...
516
00:22:12,287 --> 00:22:13,157
Here's the thing.
517
00:22:13,244 --> 00:22:14,898
Um...
518
00:22:14,985 --> 00:22:19,207
There was this very
s-specific moment...
519
00:22:19,294 --> 00:22:20,904
the other night when you --
520
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,777
when you joined me
behind the hedge.
521
00:22:23,864 --> 00:22:25,518
The Almost Kiss.
522
00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:30,784
I just need to be
perfectly clear
523
00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:36,442
that it wasn't that for me.
524
00:22:36,529 --> 00:22:39,096
But then I-I watched
the security footage,
525
00:22:39,183 --> 00:22:41,447
and I realized that --You realized it was?
526
00:22:44,493 --> 00:22:47,757
For you.
527
00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:49,193
Oh, yeah, yeah.
528
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,152
Look.
529
00:22:51,239 --> 00:22:52,719
We're extremely compatible.
530
00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:55,548
I mean, there's -- there's no --
there's no denying that.
531
00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:58,507
B-But -- But Nina said --You talked to Nina about me.
532
00:22:58,594 --> 00:23:00,204
[ Stammering ]
533
00:23:00,291 --> 00:23:02,642
[ Sighs ]
534
00:23:02,729 --> 00:23:06,602
Nina said that it was
never about you.
535
00:23:06,689 --> 00:23:11,564
And shitty as that sounds,
it's true.
536
00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:14,567
I mean, just imagining
any version of my life
537
00:23:14,654 --> 00:23:17,265
without them,
it makes me, like...
538
00:23:17,352 --> 00:23:19,223
like, the saddest
I've ever been.
539
00:23:21,965 --> 00:23:23,837
That's -- That's gonna bruise.
540
00:23:23,924 --> 00:23:26,883
Hmm?
541
00:23:26,970 --> 00:23:30,147
Nothing.
542
00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:32,715
Can we be good?
Please?
543
00:23:32,802 --> 00:23:35,588
'Cause I-I'd really like us
to be good.
544
00:23:35,675 --> 00:23:38,242
Yeah, yeah.
Um...
545
00:23:38,329 --> 00:23:39,853
try this again.
546
00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:41,681
See you at school?
547
00:23:41,768 --> 00:23:43,465
Not if I see you first, nerd.
548
00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:49,036
♪ Got you running like
a stream ♪
549
00:23:49,123 --> 00:23:52,692
♪♪
550
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:57,523
♪ You know there's too
much world to see still ♪
551
00:23:57,610 --> 00:24:01,265
♪ But come home safe
552
00:24:01,352 --> 00:24:06,445
M Come home safe ♪
553
00:24:06,532 --> 00:24:12,625
♪ Any given day,
any given night ♪
554
00:24:12,712 --> 00:24:16,542
♪ You went
running out the gate ♪
555
00:24:16,629 --> 00:24:18,979
♪ No, you never lost
your place ♪
556
00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:23,113
♪ You never left my mind
557
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,115
♪ Won't you come home safe
558
00:24:25,202 --> 00:24:29,380
♪ The door is always open wide
559
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,295
♪♪
560
00:24:31,382 --> 00:24:34,081
Jack.
561
00:24:34,168 --> 00:24:37,476
Mom.
562
00:24:37,563 --> 00:24:41,610
Just come home safe
563
00:24:41,697 --> 00:24:46,354
Come home safe
564
00:24:46,441 --> 00:24:48,312
Any given day
565
00:24:48,399 --> 00:24:52,447
Any given night
566
00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:56,799
You went running
out the gate
567
00:24:56,886 --> 00:24:59,106
No, you never
lost your place
568
00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:02,892
You never left my mind
569
00:25:02,979 --> 00:25:05,460
So, won't you
come home safe
570
00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:09,159
The door is always
open wide
571
00:25:10,596 --> 00:25:17,516
♪♪
572
00:25:17,603 --> 00:25:24,479
♪♪
39713
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