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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,608 There's a wrinkle. 2 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,110 Oh, hi, Felix. 3 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,611 Oscar. 4 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,016 It doesn't match, huh? 5 00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:19,018 I remember! 6 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,821 There's my baby! 7 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,456 There she is. 8 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,541 Wait'll you see this one. 9 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,912 Aha! How about that? 10 00:00:30,981 --> 00:00:32,213 What do you think? 11 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,247 You're just one of those lucky guys. 12 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,403 You can wear anything. 13 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,307 What does this say? 14 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,921 "Aloha, Oscar Madison, New York Herald. 15 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,773 Who are you?" Well, last time I wore it 16 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,230 was to the sportswriters' convention in Hawaii. 17 00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:52,667 That was two years ago. 18 00:00:52,736 --> 00:00:54,614 Yeah, well, I only wear it on special occasions. 19 00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,621 I'm taking Phyllis to the movies tonight. 20 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,690 What's so special about the movies? 21 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,420 Nothing, it's Phyllis that's special, remember? 22 00:01:00,444 --> 00:01:02,844 Well, all your girlfriends are special. 23 00:01:02,913 --> 00:01:05,480 Nina, the crane operator, was very special. 24 00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:07,883 You told me her specialty. 25 00:01:07,951 --> 00:01:10,235 Well, Phyllis is special special. 26 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,520 It's getting serious? Well, you know... 27 00:01:12,589 --> 00:01:14,201 Hey, you are going out tonight, I hope? 28 00:01:14,225 --> 00:01:16,136 Yeah, Miriam and I are going to our opera club. Good. 29 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,170 Wait, wait, wait a minute. What? 30 00:01:17,194 --> 00:01:18,927 What are you storing in here? 31 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,595 Oh, a little hat! 32 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,096 Isn't that cute? 33 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,316 What else have you got in here? 34 00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:28,420 Oh, a blower, a noisemaker... 35 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:31,639 Boy, that must have been some convention! Wow! 36 00:01:31,708 --> 00:01:33,525 Will you cut it out? Here. 37 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,877 Tell me, which tie goes better with this outfit here? 38 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:40,843 You can wear one of my ties. 39 00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:42,579 Oh, thank you. If you promise not to eat with it. 40 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,813 I won't, I won't. Thanks, Felix. 41 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,048 This is most unusual for you, isn't it? 42 00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:46,072 What do you mean? 43 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,217 You usually dress in the dark. 44 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,252 You don't care what tie you wear. 45 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,276 I am a little edgy. I've got to admit it. 46 00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:52,471 Because of Phyllis? Yeah. 47 00:01:52,495 --> 00:01:55,363 Getting serious, huh? Huh? Huh? Well, you know... 48 00:01:55,432 --> 00:01:57,182 You big galoot. Yeah? 49 00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,195 Yeah, yeah? Wedding bells? 50 00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:01,364 Oh, I don't know about that, but I kind of like her. Listen. 51 00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,787 What? 52 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,368 If you decide to propose tonight... Yeah? 53 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:08,193 Make sure you speak up very clear. Why? 54 00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,822 'Cause you want to be heard over this shirt. 55 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,966 Here. 56 00:02:49,019 --> 00:02:51,954 ♪ ♪ 57 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,021 ♪ ♪ 58 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,953 The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience. 59 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,963 Oh, Oscar... That was a great movie. 60 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,298 It was wonderful. 61 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,011 Oh, boy. Where's Felix? 62 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,780 Oh, he and Miriam are at the Opera Club. 63 00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:57,947 Sit, sit, sit. 64 00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,816 Felix told me they were playing Wagner next week. 65 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,441 Yeah, they'll stay up all night pasting horns on helmets. 66 00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:03,719 Oh, no. 67 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:04,842 You want a beer? 68 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,545 No, thanks, I'm stuffed. 69 00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:08,107 You know that was a cute restaurant. 70 00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:10,276 Well, they know me there; that's why they gave me extra pickles. 71 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,962 You got some extra pickles on your tie. 72 00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:14,202 Yeah, also some extra beer. 73 00:04:14,271 --> 00:04:15,404 I don't have to worry. 74 00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:16,905 It's Felix's tie. 75 00:04:20,377 --> 00:04:21,743 Oh, I had a good time tonight. 76 00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:23,345 Me, too. 77 00:04:23,414 --> 00:04:25,125 We always have a good time together, don't we? 78 00:04:25,149 --> 00:04:27,394 Sure, you're lots of fun to be with. 79 00:04:27,418 --> 00:04:29,151 You know, Phyllis... 80 00:04:29,219 --> 00:04:30,752 Now, it's been a long time 81 00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:33,121 since I've been serious about anyone. 82 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,456 I mean, let's see. 83 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,791 I've been divorced eight years. 84 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,160 Altogether that makes 11 years 85 00:04:38,228 --> 00:04:39,928 I haven't been serious about someone. 86 00:04:41,131 --> 00:04:43,164 You know what I'm trying to say? 87 00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,283 I think I do. 88 00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:46,768 Well, how do you feel? 89 00:04:46,836 --> 00:04:49,737 Oscar, I like you. I think you're a great guy. 90 00:04:49,806 --> 00:04:51,656 The next word is "but." 91 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,075 But... I don't feel serious. 92 00:04:54,144 --> 00:04:55,443 Some other guy, huh? 93 00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:56,945 No, not at all. 94 00:04:57,014 --> 00:04:58,513 Hey, is it something about me? 95 00:04:58,582 --> 00:04:59,993 Oscar, I'd rather not talk about it. 96 00:05:00,017 --> 00:05:01,711 No, go ahead. Tell me. I can take it. What is it? 97 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:02,668 You're nice. 98 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:03,747 Yeah. You're funny. 99 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:04,830 Good. You're intelligent. 100 00:05:04,854 --> 00:05:06,031 That's three, that ain't bad. 101 00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:07,367 Go ahead. You're attractive. 102 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:08,884 More, more, more, yeah? You're sloppy! 103 00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:11,426 Yeah? 104 00:05:13,297 --> 00:05:15,397 I know I'm sloppy. 105 00:05:15,466 --> 00:05:17,065 Does that bother you? 106 00:05:17,134 --> 00:05:18,578 I mean, you never mentioned it before. 107 00:05:18,602 --> 00:05:21,553 Well, you never said anything about getting serious before. 108 00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:22,987 Well, what's the difference? 109 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,673 It's just that certain things become more important 110 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,142 if it's more than just dating. 111 00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:28,576 Like what things? 112 00:05:28,645 --> 00:05:30,256 Like tonight at the restaurant, 113 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,765 the way you put mustard on your pastrami sandwich? How? 114 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,451 Dipping your sandwich into the jar between bites. 115 00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:39,087 I always do that. 116 00:05:39,156 --> 00:05:40,304 But you laughed. 117 00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:41,689 You thought it was so funny. 118 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,253 Well, yes it was funny, Oscar, 119 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,793 but it's just that... 120 00:05:45,862 --> 00:05:48,029 Oh, I don't know. If I was serious, 121 00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:50,148 I might not think that was funny anymore. 122 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,634 Yeah, I see. It's all right. 123 00:05:52,702 --> 00:05:54,346 I'm sorry, Oscar. No, don't be sorry. 124 00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:55,537 I was in a crazy mood. 125 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,154 Who wants to get serious anyway? 126 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,676 Hey... you want to take me home now? 127 00:06:01,744 --> 00:06:03,077 No, look, I'm not upset. 128 00:06:03,146 --> 00:06:04,757 I can take things like that. You sure? 129 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,815 Honestly, sure, I... 130 00:06:06,883 --> 00:06:08,083 think I better take you home. 131 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,971 I mean, we had enough laughs for one night. 132 00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:17,642 Hi, gang. 133 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,644 Hi, Felix. 134 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,234 Got screams from the doorman. 135 00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,909 Oscar! 136 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,343 Breakfast! 137 00:06:35,412 --> 00:06:36,912 Come on! 138 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,246 Oscar? 139 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,081 Ah! Morning. 140 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,394 Good morning. 141 00:06:41,418 --> 00:06:42,517 How was the date? 142 00:06:42,585 --> 00:06:43,797 "How was the date?" 143 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,986 Something wrong? 144 00:06:45,055 --> 00:06:47,022 "Something wrong?" 145 00:06:47,090 --> 00:06:49,024 Uh-oh. 146 00:06:49,092 --> 00:06:50,258 When I came in last night, 147 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,038 there was a definite feeling of tension in the air. 148 00:06:52,062 --> 00:06:53,706 Was it my fault? Tell me the truth. No, no. 149 00:06:53,730 --> 00:06:55,408 Did I do something wrong? The horns, they upset you? 150 00:06:55,432 --> 00:06:56,792 No, it had nothing to do with the horns. 151 00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,550 Something about Phyllis, huh? 152 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,919 Yeah. Aha. 153 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,721 You want to talk about it? 154 00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,373 Yeah. 155 00:07:05,441 --> 00:07:07,775 Okay, we won't. 156 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:08,960 You do? 157 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,878 Yeah. Yeah. You want to talk? 158 00:07:12,315 --> 00:07:14,160 That's not like you. You never want to talk about it. 159 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,444 Yeah, well, I want to talk about this. 160 00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:18,770 Okay. Let's talk about it. 161 00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:20,755 Well, Phyllis thinks I'm a slob. 162 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,942 She saw your room? 163 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,180 No, just dinner. 164 00:07:29,248 --> 00:07:32,083 Oh, and your sloppiness is hurting your relationship. 165 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,913 Yeah, you know she's coming to dinner this Saturday night. 166 00:07:33,937 --> 00:07:35,014 I'm afraid I'll be uptight. 167 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,466 I'll make mistakes and everything. 168 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:39,050 That's why I want to discuss it with you. 169 00:07:41,078 --> 00:07:43,061 Let this be a lesson to you! 170 00:07:44,981 --> 00:07:46,581 That's it? 171 00:07:46,649 --> 00:07:47,794 That's how you discuss it? 172 00:07:47,818 --> 00:07:49,317 Let that be a lesson to you? 173 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:51,614 What happened to sympathy? 174 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,849 "I feel sorry for you, Oscar. 175 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,517 I feel bad for you, Oscar. She's wrong, Oscar." 176 00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:55,651 She's right, Oscar. 177 00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:56,886 All right, from now on, we go back 178 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,053 to "I don't want to talk about it"! 179 00:07:58,077 --> 00:07:59,154 Good, what's there to talk about? 180 00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:00,523 You're never gonna change. Not if you live 181 00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:02,091 to be a million years, you'll never change! 182 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,726 Yeah, that's where you're wrong. I am going to change. 183 00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,828 Phyllis is a great girl and I don't want to lose her. 184 00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:07,218 You watch me change. 185 00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:08,452 I'm telling you! 186 00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,921 Come on in. From this moment on, 187 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,556 I'm not gonna be a slob anymore! 188 00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,185 That's it, I'm going crazy. 189 00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,773 I gave up smoking and now my hearing's gone bad. 190 00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,074 I thought I just heard you say 191 00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:20,342 you didn't want to be a slob anymore. 192 00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:21,611 That's what you heard and I'm not crazy. 193 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:22,567 Come on, sit down. 194 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,703 I'm glad I'm not crazy. 195 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,437 Since I stopped smoking, 196 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,840 I've been getting very nervous and very hungry. 197 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,453 Do you have any more food? 198 00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:32,610 I've got some rolls. 199 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,959 Can I have them? 200 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,582 Oscar, are you serious about wanting to change? 201 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:38,983 I am gonna change. 202 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,985 Then take your sleeve out of the eggs. 203 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:46,357 You'll see, you'll love being neat. 204 00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,859 It's fun! 205 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,261 We'll vacuum together. 206 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,263 We'll dust together. 207 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,915 I'll teach you to use glass wax. 208 00:08:54,984 --> 00:08:56,634 This will be great. 209 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,514 It'll be just like when I was a kid with my brother. 210 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,199 They used to call us Spic and Span. 211 00:09:00,223 --> 00:09:02,157 Felix, look, I'm gonna try. 212 00:09:02,225 --> 00:09:03,385 Now, don't expect miracles. 213 00:09:03,426 --> 00:09:04,754 All right? It's easy. You'll see. 214 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,089 You'll love it. They were delicious. 215 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,173 Do you have any more? 216 00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:08,530 Come on. 217 00:09:08,598 --> 00:09:10,209 At work, I'll buy you some chocolate cigarettes. 218 00:09:10,233 --> 00:09:12,445 Let's go. It's gonna be a great day for both of us. 219 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:13,701 You're not gonna smoke today 220 00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:16,638 and I'm not gonna be a slob anymore. 221 00:09:16,706 --> 00:09:18,540 You'll see, you can do it if you try. 222 00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,630 Hi, gang! OSCAR: Hi, Felix. 223 00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:26,931 Hi, Mr. Unger. 224 00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,133 What, what, what?! Look at this! 225 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,269 What? This is the new Oscar Madison? 226 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,338 It was neat, but I had to look for something. 227 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,340 For what? Survivors? 228 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,821 It looks as though the Red Cross 229 00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:41,405 is gonna come in and serve doughnuts. 230 00:09:41,531 --> 00:09:43,448 I thought you wanted to change. 231 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,127 I do, but I had to get some work done; 232 00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,367 I couldn't think about 233 00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:48,614 being neat. You have to think about being neat? 234 00:09:48,638 --> 00:09:50,454 Yeah. It should come naturally to you. 235 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,423 Myrna? 236 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,772 How did you quit smoking? 237 00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,638 I went to the Smoker's Institute, 238 00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:56,955 but I haven't really quit yet. 239 00:09:56,979 --> 00:09:58,879 I'm still listed as a cheater. 240 00:09:59,982 --> 00:10:01,160 What did they do? 241 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,067 Oh, electric shocks. 242 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,980 They wired us up and gave us cigarettes. 243 00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,749 Then every time we went to take a puff, 244 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,223 they, they shocked us, like... 245 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,160 So that smoking became an unpleasant 246 00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:14,540 experience for you, right? Yeah. 247 00:10:14,564 --> 00:10:15,975 That's what we'll do with you. 248 00:10:15,999 --> 00:10:17,081 We'll get you... 249 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,967 all wired up like Clockwork Orange. 250 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,164 Then every time you do something messy, I'll give you a zzst! 251 00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:23,955 That way, 252 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,841 you'll get cured and I'll have a lot of fun. 253 00:10:26,910 --> 00:10:29,226 You're a lunatic. Zzst! 254 00:10:30,513 --> 00:10:31,913 It works for the smokers. 255 00:10:31,982 --> 00:10:33,059 They're professional people. 256 00:10:33,083 --> 00:10:34,249 They know what they're doing. 257 00:10:34,317 --> 00:10:36,078 You just put your finger on it. What? 258 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:37,285 You need professional help. 259 00:10:37,354 --> 00:10:39,687 Yeah, well, a neat freak with a cattle prod 260 00:10:39,756 --> 00:10:41,651 going zzst, zzst... That's not professional help. 261 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,991 It can change your life, believe me. 262 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,254 You don't want to lose Phyllis, do you? 263 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,805 No. Leave it to me. 264 00:10:46,829 --> 00:10:48,007 I'll set up an appointment. 265 00:10:48,031 --> 00:10:49,191 You'll see. 266 00:10:52,536 --> 00:10:53,968 It's better than zzst, zzst. 267 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:05,930 Good morning. 268 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,143 Oh, hello. 269 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,878 Are you here to see Dr. Bates? 270 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,180 He is. I'm Oscar Madison. I have an appointment. 271 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,087 Right. Just five minutes. 272 00:11:13,156 --> 00:11:14,205 And you? 273 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,807 I'm his friend. 274 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,141 I'm normal. 275 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,127 I'm the lunatic. 276 00:11:27,670 --> 00:11:29,036 He wants to be more like me. 277 00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,158 How nice. 278 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,576 Felix, I'm here. 279 00:11:35,645 --> 00:11:37,139 I'm not going to back out. You can go 280 00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:38,674 to work now. Now... 281 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,198 when you talk to the doctor, 282 00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,066 level with him about everything. 283 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,602 Don't hold anything back. 284 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,204 Try to remember 285 00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:48,739 as much as you can about... puberty. 286 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,310 That's when the trouble usually starts. 287 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,025 Mr. Madison? Yes. 288 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,882 I'll be with you in just one moment. 289 00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:00,785 Uh, Alice, would you mind 290 00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:02,133 getting me another cup of coffee? 291 00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:03,754 The last one was too sweet. 292 00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,103 "Too sweet"? 293 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,926 Oh, but I gave you three sugars just like you asked. 294 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,029 Well, it was too sweet. 295 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:12,964 It's always too sweet. 296 00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:15,683 Well, if you think so, 297 00:12:15,751 --> 00:12:19,553 why don't you get it yourself from now on? 298 00:12:19,622 --> 00:12:22,256 Because that's your job. 299 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,258 I already have a job. 300 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,262 I'm a doctor. 301 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,833 See? I have a diploma. 302 00:12:33,936 --> 00:12:36,270 Well, I have a job, too. 303 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:37,722 I have to type. 304 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,776 Type? 305 00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:44,278 You call that typing? 306 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:48,482 A monkey could type better than that. 307 00:12:48,551 --> 00:12:50,935 I'll show you what I think of your typing. 308 00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:53,972 Really? 309 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,441 Well, I'll show you what I think of your diploma. 310 00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,582 You walk funny. 311 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,036 You are bald. 312 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,702 Uh... Mr. Madison, I'll see you now. 313 00:13:42,505 --> 00:13:44,786 How you doin', Buster Brown? 314 00:13:47,110 --> 00:13:49,588 I wouldn't be down on all psychologists 315 00:13:49,612 --> 00:13:51,845 just because of one nut. 316 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,874 Why don't you go see another doctor? 317 00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,861 Eh... I just don't have confidence in 'em. 318 00:13:55,885 --> 00:13:58,063 Oscar, when you fall off a horse, what do you do? 319 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,249 The first thing you do is you climb right back on. 320 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,141 I'd rather go to a horse. 321 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,709 Let's face it. 322 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:07,411 I'm always gonna be my same self slob. 323 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,996 I can't help it. 324 00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:12,032 Oscar, tell me... 325 00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:19,690 When you were a kid... 326 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,603 did you have an over-protective mother? 327 00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:22,871 No. Why, did you? 328 00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,511 Oh! 329 00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:26,880 I could write a book. 330 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:30,551 My mother made me wear a sweater to my wedding. 331 00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:31,852 But enough of that. 332 00:14:31,921 --> 00:14:34,322 Did you have a lot of friends when you were a kid? 333 00:14:34,390 --> 00:14:35,935 Yeah. I was a pretty popular kid. 334 00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:36,740 Mm-hmm. What about you? 335 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:39,710 No. 336 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:42,213 All the other kids were jealous of me. 337 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,447 Can't blame them. 338 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:47,435 I was the cutest... the smartest... 339 00:14:47,504 --> 00:14:50,088 The other kids hated me. 340 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:53,491 Just once I was a week late with my milk money, 341 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,027 and the student court sentenced me to death. 342 00:14:57,864 --> 00:15:01,549 Oh... that's water under the bridge. 343 00:15:01,618 --> 00:15:03,145 What are you gonna do with that pad? 344 00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:04,535 I was trying to help you, 345 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,732 but I can see your problem is too deep rooted. 346 00:15:06,756 --> 00:15:09,424 You're right, it is. Goes back a long way. 347 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,760 I mean, Felix, I've been this way as long as I can remember. 348 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:16,163 Used to drive my father crazy. 349 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,706 Oscar? 350 00:15:24,774 --> 00:15:26,774 Oscar, where are you, son? 351 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:27,959 In here, Pop. 352 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:42,656 Oscar, Oscar, Oscar... 353 00:15:42,725 --> 00:15:44,175 We have to have a talk, son. 354 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:45,776 We just had a talk last week. 355 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,478 Well, evidently it didn't help. 356 00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:51,749 You see, your mother and I put up with all this because... 357 00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,767 well, we thought you would grow out of it. 358 00:15:53,836 --> 00:15:55,586 Grow out of what? 359 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:58,172 Oscar, you're a messy lad. 360 00:15:58,241 --> 00:16:01,359 Well, that's just my style. 361 00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:05,045 Well, evidently this calls for drastic measures. 362 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,101 If this room isn't spotlessly clean by tomorrow, 363 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,250 I'm not gonna place any more bets for you. 364 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,296 So, you see? There's no hope. 365 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,752 I'm a terminal slob. 366 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,954 I mean, if I can't be neat for my father, 367 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:32,734 how am I gonna be neat for Phyllis? 368 00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:34,525 Don't you see? 369 00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:36,672 Now that you know what your problem is, 370 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:37,939 you can deal with it. 371 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,398 You see, early in life, you established this pattern 372 00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,199 of rebelling against your father 373 00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:44,902 by messing up your room with garbage. 374 00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:46,681 And that's what you're doing to this day, 375 00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:47,655 only with different garbage. 376 00:16:47,724 --> 00:16:48,934 See, that's where you're wrong. 377 00:16:48,958 --> 00:16:51,592 Most of this is the same garbage. 378 00:17:04,406 --> 00:17:06,874 He sleeps in there? 379 00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,475 Yes. 380 00:17:08,544 --> 00:17:10,177 I'll do it. 381 00:17:10,245 --> 00:17:11,078 Oh! 382 00:17:11,147 --> 00:17:12,446 No charge. 383 00:17:12,515 --> 00:17:13,959 I'll consider it a public service. 384 00:17:13,983 --> 00:17:16,567 Oh, great. That's wonderful. 385 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,652 Has he ever been hypnotized before? 386 00:17:18,721 --> 00:17:20,432 I don't know. Is that a problem? 387 00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:23,074 - Not really, I'll... - Oscar. 388 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:25,342 Hey! I want you to meet a client of mine. 389 00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:26,572 Ernie Ferguson, this is Oscar Madison. 390 00:17:26,596 --> 00:17:28,140 Pleased to meet you. How do you do? 391 00:17:28,164 --> 00:17:29,442 Great sports fan. Yeah? 392 00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,276 Yeah. Yeah. I read your column every day. 393 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:32,784 Yeah? Yeah. 394 00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,852 That must be a tough job. 395 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,037 Not if like it. 396 00:17:36,105 --> 00:17:39,206 Yeah? Day after day after day? 397 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,975 And it shows, you know? 398 00:17:41,044 --> 00:17:42,471 It does? Yeah. You look tired. 399 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,695 I do? 400 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,447 Your eyes look very heavy. 401 00:17:46,515 --> 00:17:47,565 Yeah? 402 00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,433 Like there's a great weight on 'em. 403 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:50,502 Yeah? 404 00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:51,835 Like you can't keep them open. 405 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:52,970 Yeah? 406 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:56,941 And your arms and shoulders are very heavy. 407 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,643 And your legs are very heavy. 408 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,849 Nothing in the world you want to do more than sleep. 409 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:10,288 Sleep, Oscar... sleep. 410 00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:14,925 Is he asleep, Ernie? 411 00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,094 Like a baby. 412 00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:18,545 Boy! You could make a fortune with this! 413 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,451 Oscar? 414 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,253 Can you hear me? 415 00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:27,355 You're relaxed. 416 00:18:27,423 --> 00:18:28,589 You're very comfortable. 417 00:18:28,657 --> 00:18:30,007 You'll do whatever I say. 418 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:33,577 Now, I'll give him a suggestion, so that you'll be able 419 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,346 to trigger it at just the right moment. 420 00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,192 The right moment is Saturday night. 421 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,849 Fine. 422 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,552 Oscar, when you hear Felix say, 423 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,221 "The fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves..." 424 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,501 Shakespeare. 425 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:48,776 Right. You'll no longer be the old Oscar Madison. 426 00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:51,678 You'll develop refined habits. 427 00:18:51,747 --> 00:18:53,676 You'll have a passion for cleanliness. 428 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,001 Messiness will repel you. 429 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,803 That's great, great! 430 00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:03,119 How do I bring him out of it? 431 00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,575 Easy. Just snap your fingers. 432 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,371 Wonderful! Wonderful! Right, I'm gonna wake him. 433 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,847 Oscar, at the count of five, you'll awaken. 434 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,164 You'll remember nothing. 435 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:13,284 You'll feel very relaxed. 436 00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:16,453 You'll feel very comfortable, very good. 437 00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:24,522 One... two... three... four... five... 438 00:19:29,185 --> 00:19:30,551 Yeah, I read your column every day. 439 00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:32,152 That's terrific. 440 00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:33,537 I like your style. 441 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:34,738 Thank you. 442 00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,285 It's not too simple, it's not too florid. 443 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,287 I really appreciate that, thank you. 444 00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,355 Oscar? Yeah. 445 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,023 How do you feel? Great. Why? 446 00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,727 Oscar... 447 00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:49,803 the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves. 448 00:19:49,872 --> 00:19:52,205 Shakespeare. 449 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:55,393 Oscar, flick your ashes on the rug. 450 00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:58,462 Are you kidding? 451 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:02,371 No, go ahead. Do it for me. A favor. 452 00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:06,070 He can't do it! It works. 453 00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:08,872 Call me when dinner's ready, will ya? 454 00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:13,611 This is very exciting, Felix. 455 00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:15,746 Do you remember what you're supposed to say to him? 456 00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:18,226 Yes. Tonight, you're gonna see a new Oscar Madison. 457 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,750 I can't wait to see if it works. 458 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,652 Oscar! Yeah? 459 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,054 Phyllis'll be here soon. 460 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,601 I know, I know. You don't have to... 461 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,608 Oh, what's the matter, Oscar? 462 00:20:27,677 --> 00:20:29,605 Well, I feel I'm gonna be uncomfortable. 463 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:30,956 She's gonna judge everything I do. 464 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,274 Now, now, don't worry, Oscar. 465 00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:34,109 Tonight, you're going to be perfect. 466 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,994 Thank you. 467 00:20:36,018 --> 00:20:37,969 Oh, boy, there she is. Okay... 468 00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:39,436 Just one thing... 469 00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:40,972 Let me straighten your tie. 470 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,105 Remember... 471 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:45,109 the fault lies not in our stars 472 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,545 but in ourselves. 473 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,979 Shakespeare. 474 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,414 Right. 475 00:21:02,111 --> 00:21:03,044 Hello, Oscar. 476 00:21:03,112 --> 00:21:04,045 Good evening, Phyllis. 477 00:21:04,113 --> 00:21:05,324 Hi, Felix. Come on in. 478 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:06,464 Hi. 479 00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:07,576 May I take your coat? 480 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:08,532 Yes, thank you. 481 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,533 Thank you. 482 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,470 What a lovely dress! A little spot. 483 00:21:14,556 --> 00:21:15,673 Thanks. 484 00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:17,686 You look beautiful, Phyllis, just beautiful! 485 00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:18,843 Thank you. 486 00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,122 Try these hors d'oeuvres, I think you'll... 487 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:21,790 Please, not with your fingers, please. 488 00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,759 Mmm! Look what a slob this man is! Please! 489 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,327 Napkins, please? Napkins! Mmm! 490 00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:26,711 Oh, you forgot the napkins. 491 00:21:26,753 --> 00:21:27,685 Napkins! 492 00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:28,997 Oh boy, midget hot dogs. 493 00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:32,734 Here, you want one of these? Felix! 494 00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:34,303 Mmm! 495 00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:36,911 The fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves. 496 00:21:36,979 --> 00:21:38,259 Shakespeare. 497 00:21:39,582 --> 00:21:40,514 Thank you. 498 00:21:40,583 --> 00:21:42,099 What happened? 499 00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:44,167 When you told me I forgot the napkins, I went... 500 00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,831 I love these midget hot dogs... 501 00:21:46,855 --> 00:21:48,533 I love 'em! Oscar? 502 00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,242 The fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves. 503 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,976 Shakespeare. 504 00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,363 Why do you keep quoting Shakespeare? 505 00:21:56,432 --> 00:21:57,982 Well, he's the greatest, isn't he? 506 00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,090 The immortal Bard of Avon. 507 00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:00,051 Yes, but... 508 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:01,919 Well, shall we put on the old feed bag? 509 00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:03,387 Come on, chow time, folks! 510 00:22:03,455 --> 00:22:05,634 Please, your language! Please! 511 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,092 Phyllis, you'll sit there. Miriam here... 512 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:09,772 Oh, I forgot my manners. Thank you, Oscar. 513 00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:11,390 You certainly did. Thank you, Felix. 514 00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:12,562 There we are. 515 00:22:12,631 --> 00:22:14,798 I think you'll like this wine. Just perfect. 516 00:22:14,867 --> 00:22:16,828 Don't pour from the right, please, don't pour... 517 00:22:16,852 --> 00:22:18,051 Sorry. We all make mistakes. 518 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,182 And not across me! And you're spilling some. 519 00:22:20,206 --> 00:22:22,539 Well, to err is human... to forgive, divine. 520 00:22:22,608 --> 00:22:25,643 Phyllis, I'm dying to know what you think of my salad dressing. 521 00:22:25,711 --> 00:22:27,077 Mmm-mmm! 522 00:22:27,146 --> 00:22:30,314 Darling... you have a salad fork for that, you see. 523 00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:32,082 A salad... salad fork. It goes with... 524 00:22:32,151 --> 00:22:33,862 Yes, thank you, Oscar. Usually on the left. 525 00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:36,131 Thank you, thank you, yes. 526 00:22:36,155 --> 00:22:37,221 Hmm? 527 00:22:37,290 --> 00:22:39,406 Mmm, Felix, it's delicious. Mmm. 528 00:22:39,475 --> 00:22:42,125 I'm sure that Felix could have waited for his compliment 529 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:43,977 until after you swallowed. 530 00:22:44,046 --> 00:22:45,980 I'm sorry. 531 00:22:46,048 --> 00:22:47,247 It's all right. 532 00:22:47,316 --> 00:22:49,617 Felix, please, help us set an example, will you? 533 00:22:49,685 --> 00:22:52,414 Oscar, are-are you coming to our opera next week? 534 00:22:52,438 --> 00:22:54,032 Miriam! Hmm? 535 00:22:54,056 --> 00:22:55,433 Dressing... dressing. 536 00:22:55,457 --> 00:22:57,173 Oh. 537 00:22:57,242 --> 00:22:58,759 Don't you hate that?! 538 00:22:58,828 --> 00:22:59,888 Felix! 539 00:22:59,912 --> 00:23:00,844 I don't believe this. 540 00:23:00,913 --> 00:23:02,457 Oscar, will you please stop it? 541 00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:04,948 I didn't do anything. She's the one who had the dressing... 542 00:23:05,017 --> 00:23:05,933 All right, Oscar! 543 00:23:06,001 --> 00:23:07,250 I'm sorry I criticized you, 544 00:23:07,319 --> 00:23:09,047 but I didn't realize you'd take it this far. 545 00:23:09,071 --> 00:23:11,282 No, I criticized you, and you'll never learn good manners 546 00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:12,940 if you don't listen to me. 547 00:23:13,009 --> 00:23:15,203 Oscar, maybe I didn't want to get serious, 548 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:18,729 but at least I used to enjoy being with you. 549 00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:20,075 I mean, this is ridiculous. 550 00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:21,743 It's like having dinner with my mother. 551 00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:23,311 I'm leaving. Aw, Phyllis! Phyllis? 552 00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:26,470 Oh, let her go. She's so uncouth. 553 00:23:26,538 --> 00:23:29,506 Call me when you're sloppy again. 554 00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,576 Felix, I think you better bring him out of this. 555 00:23:32,645 --> 00:23:34,545 Oh, but look at him. 556 00:23:37,449 --> 00:23:39,566 It's a dream come true! 557 00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:41,635 But you heard what Phyllis said. 558 00:23:41,704 --> 00:23:44,264 I wonder how he'll take it when he knows. 559 00:23:46,725 --> 00:23:48,826 I have a pretty good idea. 560 00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:50,761 I'm gonna eat upstairs. 561 00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:52,110 Good luck. 562 00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:55,766 Hmm... 563 00:23:55,835 --> 00:23:57,601 Oscar? Mm-hmm? 564 00:24:01,674 --> 00:24:02,907 Where's Miriam? 565 00:24:02,975 --> 00:24:04,586 Hey, didn't I see Phyllis sitting over there? 566 00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:06,143 Mm-hmm. Well, where'd they go? 567 00:24:06,212 --> 00:24:07,844 Oscar. What? 568 00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:09,346 I've got a story to tell you. 569 00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:10,281 What? 570 00:24:10,349 --> 00:24:11,615 You're gonna die laughing. 571 00:24:11,684 --> 00:24:14,451 Yeah? What is it? Tell me. Before they come back. What? 572 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,587 Remember my friend Ernie who was here yesterday? 573 00:24:16,656 --> 00:24:17,932 Yeah, nice guy. Yeah. 574 00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:19,189 He's really a hypnotist. 575 00:24:19,258 --> 00:24:20,190 No kidding? 576 00:24:20,259 --> 00:24:21,725 And he put you under. 577 00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:22,726 When? Right then?! 578 00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:24,628 I don't believe it. 579 00:24:24,697 --> 00:24:26,297 During this entire meal... 580 00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:28,165 He gave you a post- hypnotic suggestion. 581 00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:29,433 During this entire meal, 582 00:24:29,502 --> 00:24:31,568 you've been behaving like a pathological neat freak. 583 00:24:31,637 --> 00:24:33,782 Is that true? Tell me, how'd it go? 584 00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:35,806 Terrible. 585 00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:39,343 You mortally offended Phyllis. She left in tears. 586 00:24:39,412 --> 00:24:40,644 If you don't go after her, 587 00:24:40,713 --> 00:24:43,180 you're never gonna see her again. 588 00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:44,660 I better go after her. 589 00:24:44,684 --> 00:24:47,884 Listen, while I'm gone you better clean your shirt. 590 00:24:47,953 --> 00:24:49,570 Does it need it? 591 00:25:01,734 --> 00:25:03,266 Hey, how did your lunch go? 592 00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:04,412 Great. Ah... 593 00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:05,914 Phyllis and I laughed all through it. 594 00:25:05,938 --> 00:25:07,382 Ah, that's wonderful. Where you going? 595 00:25:07,406 --> 00:25:09,056 To my opera club. 596 00:25:11,143 --> 00:25:12,392 You gonna go outside like that? 597 00:25:12,461 --> 00:25:14,578 I told you, the doorman loves it! 598 00:25:14,646 --> 00:25:15,846 Oh, come on... 599 00:25:15,915 --> 00:25:17,959 How many really funny people are there in this building? 600 00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:18,916 Oh. Oh, come on. 601 00:25:18,984 --> 00:25:20,517 I thought we'd made some progress. 602 00:25:20,586 --> 00:25:21,952 At least hang up your coat. 603 00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:25,305 Show that to your doorman. 41557

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