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1
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,608
There's a wrinkle.
2
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,110
Oh, hi, Felix.
3
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,611
Oscar.
4
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,016
It doesn't match, huh?
5
00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:19,018
I remember!
6
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,821
There's my baby!
7
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,456
There she is.
8
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,541
Wait'll you see this one.
9
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,912
Aha! How about that?
10
00:00:30,981 --> 00:00:32,213
What do you think?
11
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,247
You're just one of
those lucky guys.
12
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,403
You can wear anything.
13
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,307
What does this say?
14
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,921
"Aloha, Oscar Madison,
New York Herald.
15
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,773
Who are you?" Well,
last time I wore it
16
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,230
was to the sportswriters'
convention in Hawaii.
17
00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:52,667
That was two years ago.
18
00:00:52,736 --> 00:00:54,614
Yeah, well, I only wear
it on special occasions.
19
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,621
I'm taking Phyllis to
the movies tonight.
20
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,690
What's so special
about the movies?
21
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,420
Nothing, it's Phyllis
that's special, remember?
22
00:01:00,444 --> 00:01:02,844
Well, all your
girlfriends are special.
23
00:01:02,913 --> 00:01:05,480
Nina, the crane
operator, was very special.
24
00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:07,883
You told me her specialty.
25
00:01:07,951 --> 00:01:10,235
Well, Phyllis is
special special.
26
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,520
It's getting serious?
Well, you know...
27
00:01:12,589 --> 00:01:14,201
Hey, you are going
out tonight, I hope?
28
00:01:14,225 --> 00:01:16,136
Yeah, Miriam and I are
going to our opera club. Good.
29
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,170
Wait, wait, wait a minute. What?
30
00:01:17,194 --> 00:01:18,927
What are you storing in here?
31
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,595
Oh, a little hat!
32
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,096
Isn't that cute?
33
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,316
What else have you got in here?
34
00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:28,420
Oh, a blower, a noisemaker...
35
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:31,639
Boy, that must have been
some convention! Wow!
36
00:01:31,708 --> 00:01:33,525
Will you cut it out? Here.
37
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,877
Tell me, which tie goes
better with this outfit here?
38
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:40,843
You can wear one of my ties.
39
00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:42,579
Oh, thank you. If you
promise not to eat with it.
40
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,813
I won't, I won't. Thanks, Felix.
41
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,048
This is most unusual
for you, isn't it?
42
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:46,072
What do you mean?
43
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,217
You usually dress in the dark.
44
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,252
You don't care
what tie you wear.
45
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,276
I am a little edgy.
I've got to admit it.
46
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:52,471
Because of Phyllis? Yeah.
47
00:01:52,495 --> 00:01:55,363
Getting serious, huh?
Huh? Huh? Well, you know...
48
00:01:55,432 --> 00:01:57,182
You big galoot. Yeah?
49
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,195
Yeah, yeah? Wedding bells?
50
00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:01,364
Oh, I don't know about that,
but I kind of like her. Listen.
51
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,787
What?
52
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,368
If you decide to
propose tonight... Yeah?
53
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:08,193
Make sure you speak
up very clear. Why?
54
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,822
'Cause you want to
be heard over this shirt.
55
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,966
Here.
56
00:02:49,019 --> 00:02:51,954
♪ ♪
57
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,021
♪ ♪
58
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,953
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
59
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,963
Oh, Oscar... That
was a great movie.
60
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,298
It was wonderful.
61
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,011
Oh, boy. Where's Felix?
62
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,780
Oh, he and Miriam
are at the Opera Club.
63
00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:57,947
Sit, sit, sit.
64
00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,816
Felix told me they were
playing Wagner next week.
65
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,441
Yeah, they'll stay up all night
pasting horns on helmets.
66
00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:03,719
Oh, no.
67
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:04,842
You want a beer?
68
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,545
No, thanks, I'm stuffed.
69
00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:08,107
You know that was
a cute restaurant.
70
00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:10,276
Well, they know me there; that's
why they gave me extra pickles.
71
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,962
You got some extra
pickles on your tie.
72
00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:14,202
Yeah, also some extra beer.
73
00:04:14,271 --> 00:04:15,404
I don't have to worry.
74
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:16,905
It's Felix's tie.
75
00:04:20,377 --> 00:04:21,743
Oh, I had a good time tonight.
76
00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:23,345
Me, too.
77
00:04:23,414 --> 00:04:25,125
We always have a good
time together, don't we?
78
00:04:25,149 --> 00:04:27,394
Sure, you're lots
of fun to be with.
79
00:04:27,418 --> 00:04:29,151
You know, Phyllis...
80
00:04:29,219 --> 00:04:30,752
Now, it's been a long time
81
00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:33,121
since I've been
serious about anyone.
82
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,456
I mean, let's see.
83
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,791
I've been divorced eight years.
84
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,160
Altogether that makes 11 years
85
00:04:38,228 --> 00:04:39,928
I haven't been serious
about someone.
86
00:04:41,131 --> 00:04:43,164
You know what I'm trying to say?
87
00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,283
I think I do.
88
00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:46,768
Well, how do you feel?
89
00:04:46,836 --> 00:04:49,737
Oscar, I like you. I
think you're a great guy.
90
00:04:49,806 --> 00:04:51,656
The next word is "but."
91
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,075
But... I don't feel serious.
92
00:04:54,144 --> 00:04:55,443
Some other guy, huh?
93
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:56,945
No, not at all.
94
00:04:57,014 --> 00:04:58,513
Hey, is it something about me?
95
00:04:58,582 --> 00:04:59,993
Oscar, I'd rather
not talk about it.
96
00:05:00,017 --> 00:05:01,711
No, go ahead. Tell me.
I can take it. What is it?
97
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:02,668
You're nice.
98
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:03,747
Yeah. You're funny.
99
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:04,830
Good. You're intelligent.
100
00:05:04,854 --> 00:05:06,031
That's three, that ain't bad.
101
00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:07,367
Go ahead. You're attractive.
102
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:08,884
More, more, more,
yeah? You're sloppy!
103
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:11,426
Yeah?
104
00:05:13,297 --> 00:05:15,397
I know I'm sloppy.
105
00:05:15,466 --> 00:05:17,065
Does that bother you?
106
00:05:17,134 --> 00:05:18,578
I mean, you never
mentioned it before.
107
00:05:18,602 --> 00:05:21,553
Well, you never said anything
about getting serious before.
108
00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:22,987
Well, what's the difference?
109
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,673
It's just that certain things
become more important
110
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,142
if it's more than just dating.
111
00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:28,576
Like what things?
112
00:05:28,645 --> 00:05:30,256
Like tonight at the restaurant,
113
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,765
the way you put mustard on
your pastrami sandwich? How?
114
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,451
Dipping your sandwich
into the jar between bites.
115
00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:39,087
I always do that.
116
00:05:39,156 --> 00:05:40,304
But you laughed.
117
00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:41,689
You thought it was so funny.
118
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,253
Well, yes it was funny, Oscar,
119
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,793
but it's just that...
120
00:05:45,862 --> 00:05:48,029
Oh, I don't know.
If I was serious,
121
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:50,148
I might not think that
was funny anymore.
122
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,634
Yeah, I see. It's all right.
123
00:05:52,702 --> 00:05:54,346
I'm sorry, Oscar.
No, don't be sorry.
124
00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:55,537
I was in a crazy mood.
125
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,154
Who wants to get serious anyway?
126
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,676
Hey... you want to
take me home now?
127
00:06:01,744 --> 00:06:03,077
No, look, I'm not upset.
128
00:06:03,146 --> 00:06:04,757
I can take things
like that. You sure?
129
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,815
Honestly, sure, I...
130
00:06:06,883 --> 00:06:08,083
think I better take you home.
131
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,971
I mean, we had enough
laughs for one night.
132
00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:17,642
Hi, gang.
133
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,644
Hi, Felix.
134
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,234
Got screams from the doorman.
135
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,909
Oscar!
136
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,343
Breakfast!
137
00:06:35,412 --> 00:06:36,912
Come on!
138
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,246
Oscar?
139
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,081
Ah! Morning.
140
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,394
Good morning.
141
00:06:41,418 --> 00:06:42,517
How was the date?
142
00:06:42,585 --> 00:06:43,797
"How was the date?"
143
00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,986
Something wrong?
144
00:06:45,055 --> 00:06:47,022
"Something wrong?"
145
00:06:47,090 --> 00:06:49,024
Uh-oh.
146
00:06:49,092 --> 00:06:50,258
When I came in last night,
147
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,038
there was a definite
feeling of tension in the air.
148
00:06:52,062 --> 00:06:53,706
Was it my fault? Tell
me the truth. No, no.
149
00:06:53,730 --> 00:06:55,408
Did I do something wrong?
The horns, they upset you?
150
00:06:55,432 --> 00:06:56,792
No, it had nothing
to do with the horns.
151
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,550
Something about Phyllis, huh?
152
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,919
Yeah. Aha.
153
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,721
You want to talk about it?
154
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,373
Yeah.
155
00:07:05,441 --> 00:07:07,775
Okay, we won't.
156
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:08,960
You do?
157
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,878
Yeah. Yeah. You want to talk?
158
00:07:12,315 --> 00:07:14,160
That's not like you. You
never want to talk about it.
159
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,444
Yeah, well, I want
to talk about this.
160
00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:18,770
Okay. Let's talk about it.
161
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:20,755
Well, Phyllis thinks I'm a slob.
162
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,942
She saw your room?
163
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,180
No, just dinner.
164
00:07:29,248 --> 00:07:32,083
Oh, and your sloppiness
is hurting your relationship.
165
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,913
Yeah, you know she's coming
to dinner this Saturday night.
166
00:07:33,937 --> 00:07:35,014
I'm afraid I'll be uptight.
167
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,466
I'll make mistakes
and everything.
168
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:39,050
That's why I want
to discuss it with you.
169
00:07:41,078 --> 00:07:43,061
Let this be a lesson to you!
170
00:07:44,981 --> 00:07:46,581
That's it?
171
00:07:46,649 --> 00:07:47,794
That's how you discuss it?
172
00:07:47,818 --> 00:07:49,317
Let that be a lesson to you?
173
00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:51,614
What happened to sympathy?
174
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,849
"I feel sorry for you, Oscar.
175
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,517
I feel bad for you, Oscar.
She's wrong, Oscar."
176
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:55,651
She's right, Oscar.
177
00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:56,886
All right, from now
on, we go back
178
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,053
to "I don't want
to talk about it"!
179
00:07:58,077 --> 00:07:59,154
Good, what's
there to talk about?
180
00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:00,523
You're never gonna
change. Not if you live
181
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:02,091
to be a million years,
you'll never change!
182
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,726
Yeah, that's where you're
wrong. I am going to change.
183
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,828
Phyllis is a great girl and
I don't want to lose her.
184
00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:07,218
You watch me change.
185
00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:08,452
I'm telling you!
186
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,921
Come on in. From this moment on,
187
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,556
I'm not gonna be a slob anymore!
188
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,185
That's it, I'm going crazy.
189
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,773
I gave up smoking and
now my hearing's gone bad.
190
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,074
I thought I just heard you say
191
00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:20,342
you didn't want to
be a slob anymore.
192
00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:21,611
That's what you
heard and I'm not crazy.
193
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:22,567
Come on, sit down.
194
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,703
I'm glad I'm not crazy.
195
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,437
Since I stopped smoking,
196
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,840
I've been getting very
nervous and very hungry.
197
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,453
Do you have any more food?
198
00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:32,610
I've got some rolls.
199
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,959
Can I have them?
200
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,582
Oscar, are you serious
about wanting to change?
201
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:38,983
I am gonna change.
202
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,985
Then take your
sleeve out of the eggs.
203
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:46,357
You'll see, you'll
love being neat.
204
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,859
It's fun!
205
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,261
We'll vacuum together.
206
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,263
We'll dust together.
207
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,915
I'll teach you to use glass wax.
208
00:08:54,984 --> 00:08:56,634
This will be great.
209
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,514
It'll be just like when I
was a kid with my brother.
210
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,199
They used to call
us Spic and Span.
211
00:09:00,223 --> 00:09:02,157
Felix, look, I'm gonna try.
212
00:09:02,225 --> 00:09:03,385
Now, don't expect miracles.
213
00:09:03,426 --> 00:09:04,754
All right? It's
easy. You'll see.
214
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,089
You'll love it. They
were delicious.
215
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,173
Do you have any more?
216
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:08,530
Come on.
217
00:09:08,598 --> 00:09:10,209
At work, I'll buy you
some chocolate cigarettes.
218
00:09:10,233 --> 00:09:12,445
Let's go. It's gonna be a
great day for both of us.
219
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:13,701
You're not gonna smoke today
220
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:16,638
and I'm not gonna
be a slob anymore.
221
00:09:16,706 --> 00:09:18,540
You'll see, you
can do it if you try.
222
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,630
Hi, gang! OSCAR: Hi, Felix.
223
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:26,931
Hi, Mr. Unger.
224
00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,133
What, what, what?! Look at this!
225
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,269
What? This is the
new Oscar Madison?
226
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,338
It was neat, but I had
to look for something.
227
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,340
For what? Survivors?
228
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,821
It looks as though the Red Cross
229
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:41,405
is gonna come in
and serve doughnuts.
230
00:09:41,531 --> 00:09:43,448
I thought you wanted to change.
231
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,127
I do, but I had to
get some work done;
232
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,367
I couldn't think about
233
00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:48,614
being neat. You have to
think about being neat?
234
00:09:48,638 --> 00:09:50,454
Yeah. It should
come naturally to you.
235
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,423
Myrna?
236
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,772
How did you quit smoking?
237
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,638
I went to the
Smoker's Institute,
238
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:56,955
but I haven't really quit yet.
239
00:09:56,979 --> 00:09:58,879
I'm still listed as a cheater.
240
00:09:59,982 --> 00:10:01,160
What did they do?
241
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,067
Oh, electric shocks.
242
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,980
They wired us up
and gave us cigarettes.
243
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,749
Then every time we
went to take a puff,
244
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,223
they, they shocked us, like...
245
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,160
So that smoking
became an unpleasant
246
00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:14,540
experience for you, right? Yeah.
247
00:10:14,564 --> 00:10:15,975
That's what we'll do with you.
248
00:10:15,999 --> 00:10:17,081
We'll get you...
249
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,967
all wired up like
Clockwork Orange.
250
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,164
Then every time you do
something messy, I'll give you a zzst!
251
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:23,955
That way,
252
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,841
you'll get cured and
I'll have a lot of fun.
253
00:10:26,910 --> 00:10:29,226
You're a lunatic. Zzst!
254
00:10:30,513 --> 00:10:31,913
It works for the smokers.
255
00:10:31,982 --> 00:10:33,059
They're professional people.
256
00:10:33,083 --> 00:10:34,249
They know what they're doing.
257
00:10:34,317 --> 00:10:36,078
You just put your
finger on it. What?
258
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:37,285
You need professional help.
259
00:10:37,354 --> 00:10:39,687
Yeah, well, a neat
freak with a cattle prod
260
00:10:39,756 --> 00:10:41,651
going zzst, zzst... That's
not professional help.
261
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,991
It can change your
life, believe me.
262
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,254
You don't want to
lose Phyllis, do you?
263
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,805
No. Leave it to me.
264
00:10:46,829 --> 00:10:48,007
I'll set up an appointment.
265
00:10:48,031 --> 00:10:49,191
You'll see.
266
00:10:52,536 --> 00:10:53,968
It's better than zzst, zzst.
267
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:05,930
Good morning.
268
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,143
Oh, hello.
269
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,878
Are you here to see Dr. Bates?
270
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,180
He is. I'm Oscar Madison.
I have an appointment.
271
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,087
Right. Just five minutes.
272
00:11:13,156 --> 00:11:14,205
And you?
273
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,807
I'm his friend.
274
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,141
I'm normal.
275
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,127
I'm the lunatic.
276
00:11:27,670 --> 00:11:29,036
He wants to be more like me.
277
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,158
How nice.
278
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,576
Felix, I'm here.
279
00:11:35,645 --> 00:11:37,139
I'm not going to
back out. You can go
280
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:38,674
to work now. Now...
281
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,198
when you talk to the doctor,
282
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,066
level with him about everything.
283
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,602
Don't hold anything back.
284
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,204
Try to remember
285
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:48,739
as much as you
can about... puberty.
286
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,310
That's when the
trouble usually starts.
287
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,025
Mr. Madison? Yes.
288
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,882
I'll be with you in
just one moment.
289
00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:00,785
Uh, Alice, would you mind
290
00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:02,133
getting me another
cup of coffee?
291
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:03,754
The last one was too sweet.
292
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,103
"Too sweet"?
293
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,926
Oh, but I gave you three
sugars just like you asked.
294
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,029
Well, it was too sweet.
295
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:12,964
It's always too sweet.
296
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:15,683
Well, if you think so,
297
00:12:15,751 --> 00:12:19,553
why don't you get it
yourself from now on?
298
00:12:19,622 --> 00:12:22,256
Because that's your job.
299
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,258
I already have a job.
300
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,262
I'm a doctor.
301
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,833
See? I have a diploma.
302
00:12:33,936 --> 00:12:36,270
Well, I have a job, too.
303
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:37,722
I have to type.
304
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,776
Type?
305
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:44,278
You call that typing?
306
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:48,482
A monkey could
type better than that.
307
00:12:48,551 --> 00:12:50,935
I'll show you what I
think of your typing.
308
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:53,972
Really?
309
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,441
Well, I'll show you what
I think of your diploma.
310
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,582
You walk funny.
311
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,036
You are bald.
312
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,702
Uh... Mr. Madison,
I'll see you now.
313
00:13:42,505 --> 00:13:44,786
How you doin', Buster Brown?
314
00:13:47,110 --> 00:13:49,588
I wouldn't be down
on all psychologists
315
00:13:49,612 --> 00:13:51,845
just because of one nut.
316
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,874
Why don't you go
see another doctor?
317
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,861
Eh... I just don't have
confidence in 'em.
318
00:13:55,885 --> 00:13:58,063
Oscar, when you fall off
a horse, what do you do?
319
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,249
The first thing you do is
you climb right back on.
320
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,141
I'd rather go to a horse.
321
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,709
Let's face it.
322
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:07,411
I'm always gonna
be my same self slob.
323
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,996
I can't help it.
324
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:12,032
Oscar, tell me...
325
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:19,690
When you were a kid...
326
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,603
did you have an
over-protective mother?
327
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:22,871
No. Why, did you?
328
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,511
Oh!
329
00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:26,880
I could write a book.
330
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:30,551
My mother made me wear
a sweater to my wedding.
331
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:31,852
But enough of that.
332
00:14:31,921 --> 00:14:34,322
Did you have a lot of
friends when you were a kid?
333
00:14:34,390 --> 00:14:35,935
Yeah. I was a
pretty popular kid.
334
00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:36,740
Mm-hmm. What about you?
335
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:39,710
No.
336
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:42,213
All the other kids
were jealous of me.
337
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,447
Can't blame them.
338
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:47,435
I was the cutest...
the smartest...
339
00:14:47,504 --> 00:14:50,088
The other kids hated me.
340
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:53,491
Just once I was a week
late with my milk money,
341
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,027
and the student court
sentenced me to death.
342
00:14:57,864 --> 00:15:01,549
Oh... that's water
under the bridge.
343
00:15:01,618 --> 00:15:03,145
What are you gonna
do with that pad?
344
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:04,535
I was trying to help you,
345
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,732
but I can see your
problem is too deep rooted.
346
00:15:06,756 --> 00:15:09,424
You're right, it is.
Goes back a long way.
347
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,760
I mean, Felix, I've been this
way as long as I can remember.
348
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:16,163
Used to drive my father crazy.
349
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,706
Oscar?
350
00:15:24,774 --> 00:15:26,774
Oscar, where are you, son?
351
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:27,959
In here, Pop.
352
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:42,656
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...
353
00:15:42,725 --> 00:15:44,175
We have to have a talk, son.
354
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:45,776
We just had a talk last week.
355
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,478
Well, evidently it didn't help.
356
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:51,749
You see, your mother and I
put up with all this because...
357
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,767
well, we thought you
would grow out of it.
358
00:15:53,836 --> 00:15:55,586
Grow out of what?
359
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:58,172
Oscar, you're a messy lad.
360
00:15:58,241 --> 00:16:01,359
Well, that's just my style.
361
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:05,045
Well, evidently this calls
for drastic measures.
362
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,101
If this room isn't spotlessly
clean by tomorrow,
363
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,250
I'm not gonna place
any more bets for you.
364
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,296
So, you see? There's no hope.
365
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,752
I'm a terminal slob.
366
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,954
I mean, if I can't be
neat for my father,
367
00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:32,734
how am I gonna
be neat for Phyllis?
368
00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:34,525
Don't you see?
369
00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:36,672
Now that you know
what your problem is,
370
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:37,939
you can deal with it.
371
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,398
You see, early in life,
you established this pattern
372
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,199
of rebelling against your father
373
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:44,902
by messing up your
room with garbage.
374
00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:46,681
And that's what
you're doing to this day,
375
00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:47,655
only with different garbage.
376
00:16:47,724 --> 00:16:48,934
See, that's where you're wrong.
377
00:16:48,958 --> 00:16:51,592
Most of this is
the same garbage.
378
00:17:04,406 --> 00:17:06,874
He sleeps in there?
379
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,475
Yes.
380
00:17:08,544 --> 00:17:10,177
I'll do it.
381
00:17:10,245 --> 00:17:11,078
Oh!
382
00:17:11,147 --> 00:17:12,446
No charge.
383
00:17:12,515 --> 00:17:13,959
I'll consider it
a public service.
384
00:17:13,983 --> 00:17:16,567
Oh, great. That's wonderful.
385
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,652
Has he ever been
hypnotized before?
386
00:17:18,721 --> 00:17:20,432
I don't know. Is that a problem?
387
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:23,074
- Not really, I'll...
- Oscar.
388
00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:25,342
Hey! I want you to
meet a client of mine.
389
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:26,572
Ernie Ferguson, this
is Oscar Madison.
390
00:17:26,596 --> 00:17:28,140
Pleased to meet
you. How do you do?
391
00:17:28,164 --> 00:17:29,442
Great sports fan. Yeah?
392
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,276
Yeah. Yeah. I read
your column every day.
393
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:32,784
Yeah? Yeah.
394
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,852
That must be a tough job.
395
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,037
Not if like it.
396
00:17:36,105 --> 00:17:39,206
Yeah? Day after day after day?
397
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,975
And it shows, you know?
398
00:17:41,044 --> 00:17:42,471
It does? Yeah. You look tired.
399
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,695
I do?
400
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,447
Your eyes look very heavy.
401
00:17:46,515 --> 00:17:47,565
Yeah?
402
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,433
Like there's a
great weight on 'em.
403
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:50,502
Yeah?
404
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:51,835
Like you can't keep them open.
405
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:52,970
Yeah?
406
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:56,941
And your arms and
shoulders are very heavy.
407
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,643
And your legs are very heavy.
408
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,849
Nothing in the world you
want to do more than sleep.
409
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:10,288
Sleep, Oscar... sleep.
410
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:14,925
Is he asleep, Ernie?
411
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,094
Like a baby.
412
00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:18,545
Boy! You could make
a fortune with this!
413
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,451
Oscar?
414
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,253
Can you hear me?
415
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:27,355
You're relaxed.
416
00:18:27,423 --> 00:18:28,589
You're very comfortable.
417
00:18:28,657 --> 00:18:30,007
You'll do whatever I say.
418
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:33,577
Now, I'll give him a
suggestion, so that you'll be able
419
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,346
to trigger it at just
the right moment.
420
00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,192
The right moment
is Saturday night.
421
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,849
Fine.
422
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,552
Oscar, when you hear Felix say,
423
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,221
"The fault lies not in our
stars but in ourselves..."
424
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,501
Shakespeare.
425
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:48,776
Right. You'll no longer
be the old Oscar Madison.
426
00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:51,678
You'll develop refined habits.
427
00:18:51,747 --> 00:18:53,676
You'll have a passion
for cleanliness.
428
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,001
Messiness will repel you.
429
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,803
That's great, great!
430
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:03,119
How do I bring him out of it?
431
00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,575
Easy. Just snap your fingers.
432
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,371
Wonderful! Wonderful!
Right, I'm gonna wake him.
433
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,847
Oscar, at the count
of five, you'll awaken.
434
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,164
You'll remember nothing.
435
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:13,284
You'll feel very relaxed.
436
00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:16,453
You'll feel very
comfortable, very good.
437
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:24,522
One... two...
three... four... five...
438
00:19:29,185 --> 00:19:30,551
Yeah, I read your
column every day.
439
00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:32,152
That's terrific.
440
00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:33,537
I like your style.
441
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:34,738
Thank you.
442
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,285
It's not too simple,
it's not too florid.
443
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,287
I really appreciate
that, thank you.
444
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,355
Oscar? Yeah.
445
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,023
How do you feel? Great. Why?
446
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,727
Oscar...
447
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:49,803
the fault lies not in our
stars but in ourselves.
448
00:19:49,872 --> 00:19:52,205
Shakespeare.
449
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:55,393
Oscar, flick your
ashes on the rug.
450
00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:58,462
Are you kidding?
451
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:02,371
No, go ahead. Do
it for me. A favor.
452
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:06,070
He can't do it! It works.
453
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:08,872
Call me when
dinner's ready, will ya?
454
00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:13,611
This is very exciting, Felix.
455
00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:15,746
Do you remember what
you're supposed to say to him?
456
00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:18,226
Yes. Tonight, you're gonna
see a new Oscar Madison.
457
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,750
I can't wait to see if it works.
458
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,652
Oscar! Yeah?
459
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,054
Phyllis'll be here soon.
460
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,601
I know, I know.
You don't have to...
461
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,608
Oh, what's the matter, Oscar?
462
00:20:27,677 --> 00:20:29,605
Well, I feel I'm gonna
be uncomfortable.
463
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:30,956
She's gonna judge
everything I do.
464
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,274
Now, now, don't worry, Oscar.
465
00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:34,109
Tonight, you're
going to be perfect.
466
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,994
Thank you.
467
00:20:36,018 --> 00:20:37,969
Oh, boy, there she is. Okay...
468
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:39,436
Just one thing...
469
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:40,972
Let me straighten your tie.
470
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,105
Remember...
471
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:45,109
the fault lies not in our stars
472
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,545
but in ourselves.
473
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,979
Shakespeare.
474
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,414
Right.
475
00:21:02,111 --> 00:21:03,044
Hello, Oscar.
476
00:21:03,112 --> 00:21:04,045
Good evening, Phyllis.
477
00:21:04,113 --> 00:21:05,324
Hi, Felix. Come on in.
478
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:06,464
Hi.
479
00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:07,576
May I take your coat?
480
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:08,532
Yes, thank you.
481
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,533
Thank you.
482
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,470
What a lovely
dress! A little spot.
483
00:21:14,556 --> 00:21:15,673
Thanks.
484
00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:17,686
You look beautiful,
Phyllis, just beautiful!
485
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:18,843
Thank you.
486
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,122
Try these hors
d'oeuvres, I think you'll...
487
00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:21,790
Please, not with
your fingers, please.
488
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,759
Mmm! Look what a
slob this man is! Please!
489
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,327
Napkins, please? Napkins! Mmm!
490
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:26,711
Oh, you forgot the napkins.
491
00:21:26,753 --> 00:21:27,685
Napkins!
492
00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:28,997
Oh boy, midget hot dogs.
493
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:32,734
Here, you want
one of these? Felix!
494
00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:34,303
Mmm!
495
00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:36,911
The fault lies not in our
stars but in ourselves.
496
00:21:36,979 --> 00:21:38,259
Shakespeare.
497
00:21:39,582 --> 00:21:40,514
Thank you.
498
00:21:40,583 --> 00:21:42,099
What happened?
499
00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:44,167
When you told me I
forgot the napkins, I went...
500
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,831
I love these midget hot dogs...
501
00:21:46,855 --> 00:21:48,533
I love 'em! Oscar?
502
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,242
The fault lies not in our
stars, but in ourselves.
503
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,976
Shakespeare.
504
00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,363
Why do you keep
quoting Shakespeare?
505
00:21:56,432 --> 00:21:57,982
Well, he's the
greatest, isn't he?
506
00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,090
The immortal Bard of Avon.
507
00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:00,051
Yes, but...
508
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:01,919
Well, shall we put
on the old feed bag?
509
00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:03,387
Come on, chow time, folks!
510
00:22:03,455 --> 00:22:05,634
Please, your language! Please!
511
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,092
Phyllis, you'll sit
there. Miriam here...
512
00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:09,772
Oh, I forgot my manners.
Thank you, Oscar.
513
00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:11,390
You certainly did.
Thank you, Felix.
514
00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:12,562
There we are.
515
00:22:12,631 --> 00:22:14,798
I think you'll like this
wine. Just perfect.
516
00:22:14,867 --> 00:22:16,828
Don't pour from the
right, please, don't pour...
517
00:22:16,852 --> 00:22:18,051
Sorry. We all make mistakes.
518
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,182
And not across me!
And you're spilling some.
519
00:22:20,206 --> 00:22:22,539
Well, to err is human...
to forgive, divine.
520
00:22:22,608 --> 00:22:25,643
Phyllis, I'm dying to know what
you think of my salad dressing.
521
00:22:25,711 --> 00:22:27,077
Mmm-mmm!
522
00:22:27,146 --> 00:22:30,314
Darling... you have a
salad fork for that, you see.
523
00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:32,082
A salad... salad
fork. It goes with...
524
00:22:32,151 --> 00:22:33,862
Yes, thank you, Oscar.
Usually on the left.
525
00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:36,131
Thank you, thank you, yes.
526
00:22:36,155 --> 00:22:37,221
Hmm?
527
00:22:37,290 --> 00:22:39,406
Mmm, Felix, it's delicious. Mmm.
528
00:22:39,475 --> 00:22:42,125
I'm sure that Felix could
have waited for his compliment
529
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:43,977
until after you swallowed.
530
00:22:44,046 --> 00:22:45,980
I'm sorry.
531
00:22:46,048 --> 00:22:47,247
It's all right.
532
00:22:47,316 --> 00:22:49,617
Felix, please, help us
set an example, will you?
533
00:22:49,685 --> 00:22:52,414
Oscar, are-are you coming
to our opera next week?
534
00:22:52,438 --> 00:22:54,032
Miriam! Hmm?
535
00:22:54,056 --> 00:22:55,433
Dressing... dressing.
536
00:22:55,457 --> 00:22:57,173
Oh.
537
00:22:57,242 --> 00:22:58,759
Don't you hate that?!
538
00:22:58,828 --> 00:22:59,888
Felix!
539
00:22:59,912 --> 00:23:00,844
I don't believe this.
540
00:23:00,913 --> 00:23:02,457
Oscar, will you please stop it?
541
00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:04,948
I didn't do anything. She's
the one who had the dressing...
542
00:23:05,017 --> 00:23:05,933
All right, Oscar!
543
00:23:06,001 --> 00:23:07,250
I'm sorry I criticized you,
544
00:23:07,319 --> 00:23:09,047
but I didn't realize
you'd take it this far.
545
00:23:09,071 --> 00:23:11,282
No, I criticized you, and you'll
never learn good manners
546
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:12,940
if you don't listen to me.
547
00:23:13,009 --> 00:23:15,203
Oscar, maybe I didn't
want to get serious,
548
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:18,729
but at least I used to
enjoy being with you.
549
00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:20,075
I mean, this is ridiculous.
550
00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:21,743
It's like having
dinner with my mother.
551
00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:23,311
I'm leaving. Aw,
Phyllis! Phyllis?
552
00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:26,470
Oh, let her go.
She's so uncouth.
553
00:23:26,538 --> 00:23:29,506
Call me when
you're sloppy again.
554
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,576
Felix, I think you better
bring him out of this.
555
00:23:32,645 --> 00:23:34,545
Oh, but look at him.
556
00:23:37,449 --> 00:23:39,566
It's a dream come true!
557
00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:41,635
But you heard what Phyllis said.
558
00:23:41,704 --> 00:23:44,264
I wonder how he'll
take it when he knows.
559
00:23:46,725 --> 00:23:48,826
I have a pretty good idea.
560
00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:50,761
I'm gonna eat upstairs.
561
00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:52,110
Good luck.
562
00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:55,766
Hmm...
563
00:23:55,835 --> 00:23:57,601
Oscar? Mm-hmm?
564
00:24:01,674 --> 00:24:02,907
Where's Miriam?
565
00:24:02,975 --> 00:24:04,586
Hey, didn't I see
Phyllis sitting over there?
566
00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:06,143
Mm-hmm. Well, where'd they go?
567
00:24:06,212 --> 00:24:07,844
Oscar. What?
568
00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:09,346
I've got a story to tell you.
569
00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:10,281
What?
570
00:24:10,349 --> 00:24:11,615
You're gonna die laughing.
571
00:24:11,684 --> 00:24:14,451
Yeah? What is it? Tell me.
Before they come back. What?
572
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,587
Remember my friend Ernie
who was here yesterday?
573
00:24:16,656 --> 00:24:17,932
Yeah, nice guy. Yeah.
574
00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:19,189
He's really a hypnotist.
575
00:24:19,258 --> 00:24:20,190
No kidding?
576
00:24:20,259 --> 00:24:21,725
And he put you under.
577
00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:22,726
When? Right then?!
578
00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:24,628
I don't believe it.
579
00:24:24,697 --> 00:24:26,297
During this entire meal...
580
00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:28,165
He gave you a post-
hypnotic suggestion.
581
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:29,433
During this entire meal,
582
00:24:29,502 --> 00:24:31,568
you've been behaving like
a pathological neat freak.
583
00:24:31,637 --> 00:24:33,782
Is that true? Tell
me, how'd it go?
584
00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:35,806
Terrible.
585
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:39,343
You mortally offended
Phyllis. She left in tears.
586
00:24:39,412 --> 00:24:40,644
If you don't go after her,
587
00:24:40,713 --> 00:24:43,180
you're never gonna
see her again.
588
00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:44,660
I better go after her.
589
00:24:44,684 --> 00:24:47,884
Listen, while I'm gone
you better clean your shirt.
590
00:24:47,953 --> 00:24:49,570
Does it need it?
591
00:25:01,734 --> 00:25:03,266
Hey, how did your lunch go?
592
00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:04,412
Great. Ah...
593
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:05,914
Phyllis and I
laughed all through it.
594
00:25:05,938 --> 00:25:07,382
Ah, that's wonderful.
Where you going?
595
00:25:07,406 --> 00:25:09,056
To my opera club.
596
00:25:11,143 --> 00:25:12,392
You gonna go outside like that?
597
00:25:12,461 --> 00:25:14,578
I told you, the
doorman loves it!
598
00:25:14,646 --> 00:25:15,846
Oh, come on...
599
00:25:15,915 --> 00:25:17,959
How many really funny
people are there in this building?
600
00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:18,916
Oh. Oh, come on.
601
00:25:18,984 --> 00:25:20,517
I thought we'd
made some progress.
602
00:25:20,586 --> 00:25:21,952
At least hang up your coat.
603
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:25,305
Show that to your doorman.
41557
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