All language subtitles for Boston.Legal.S02E20.2005.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.DDP-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

PAUL: Previously on Boston Legal…

Robbery isn't as bad as killing a man,
and you got me off on that.

There are only two "Get out of jail free"
cards in the game,

and you've used them both up.

Say hello to grandpa.

-Hi, pa-pa.
-(laughs) Hi. Hello, sweetheart.

PAUL: Rachel is using again.

I've decided to do an intervention.

And Fiona?

I'll assume custody until Rachel is well.

We always said what a mistake it was
for us to get married.

Maybe the blunder was splitting up.

You are getting married,
and you're kissing another woman.

Not just any woman. I promise.

(upbeat stinger playing)

As a concession for keeping
the cottage in Cape May,

you're willing to give up
the house in Great Barrington?

And the antique pewter
valued at over $70,000.

A considerable gesture
of goodwill on your part.

However, there's something that
Natalie's determined to get her hands on,

and I simply can't permit it.

My Victorian erotica collection.

Vict…

-What?
-Victorian erotica.

As I'm sure you're aware, much like today,

the late 1800s were
a socially conservative time.

-During repressive eras…
-Pornography thrives.

We prefer "erotica."

She's in possession of my premier
collection of Victorian erotica

in the western hemisphere.

I intend for it to be my legacy
to the world.

Um, just so I'm clear here,
we're talking about literature, photos…

-And machinery.
-Machinery?

The Victorian era was the height
of the industrial age.

Whenever new technology arrives,
its first use is erotica.

-Much like the internet…
-And internet porn.

-Erotica.
-No, that stuff's just porn.

Um, Clifford, was any of this erotica
acquired during your marriage?

Hmm.

All of it, actually.

Well, then legally, Natalie is entitled to
a significant portion of the collection.

Shirley, my family's money and affairs
has been connected to this firm

since you opened your doors.

I want my collection.

You'll never get it, Clifford.

And you must be Natalie.

Shirl.

Ivan?

(theme music)

You don't normally practice family law.

What are you doing on a divorce case?

Professor Cabot's estate
has strong ties to the firm.

He wanted me. And you?

I wanted you.

SHIRLEY: As a matter of full disclosure,

Mr. Tiggs and I were once married
many years ago

and could conceivably present
a conflict of interest.

Either one or both of you would be advised
to request change of counsel.

I'm not giving up my attorney.

(pensive music playing)

Mm-mm.

No takers? Great.

(briefcase unlocks)

Shall we?

(upbeat stinger playing)

You don't want to tear apart a collection.

That's why it's called "a collection."

If you spent a little less time
with the collection,

-we might not be here dividing it up now.
-People!

Before you met me, you'd never
even heard of The Lusty Turk.

-Clifford…
-If not for me,

Two Circus Virgins would be hanging
over someone else's fireplace.

Natalie, Clifford, if neither
of you can budge on this,

then we will end up in court, and a judge
will decide your collection's future.

Fine.

Now why don't we take a break

and see if we can come up with
a better resolution tomorrow.

That's fine.

I'll be right down.

-I'll call you.
-CLIFFORD: Okay.

(chuckles)
I thought they'd never leave.

So how is the Mrs? Missy?

(chuckles)

The honeymoon was exceptional.

-Guadeloupe?
-An atrociously dull island.

Nothing to do,
but have sex all day and night.

By the way, Shirley, I'm having an affair.

(scoffs)

Ivan, you do not disappoint.

-You've been married four weeks.
-Seemed like five.

-And who are you having the affair with?
-You.

Well, so far it hasn't been
very good for me.

I'm not sure if you follow the morning
network news shows,

but I caught a couple on the island.

And according to the experts,

one doesn't have to actually
have a physical relationship

to be considered a cheater.

-No kidding?
-No kidding.

If our friendship…

let's just call it that,

is deeper than my primary relationship,

then technically I'm emotionally
cheating on my wife.

That's what Katie and Matt say,
and they both have such trusting faces.

Besides humor you, what can I do?

Admit you're having
an emotional affair with me.

Consider making it physical, since,

after all, we're already halfway there.

And let's call it a day.

I have a better idea.

And I'm sure it's something Katie and Matt
came up with as well.

Go home to your wife, Ivan.

Are you breaking up with me?

(soft music playing)

Go home to your wife.

Shirley, you know, I don't play fair.

That's one of the many reasons
you love me.

(sneaky music playing)

Did you pack my Jean Nate?

Yes, I packed your Jean Nate.

What about my nighttime eye patches?

I can't sleep without
my nighttime eye patches.

Evening, Adele.

Step on it!

-(frantic music playing)
-(cart revs up)

ATTENDANT: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

Mrs. Piper!
I have warned you before about this.

MANAGER: You leave me no other choice.

Call Boston P.D.
I want her arrested for kidnapping.

Oh, before you do that, dear,
could you do one thing?

What?

Call Alan Shore.

He's in the book.

Why did you try to kidnap this woman?

Uh, she wasn't kidnapping me.

She was helping me escape.

(scoffs)
Oh, come on.

Alan. A crime is being committed here.

Adele is being held prisoner.

Go on.

Adele's been in the hospital,
suffering from depression.

Her son died recently,
and it really devastated her.

Last week,
they took her out of the hospital.

And they brought her here to this
so-called Assisted Living Center.

They put her on anti-depressants.

She started feeling better,
and she asked when she could go home.

That's when she found out

the court had assigned a conservator
to be in charge of her estate.

Donald Wharton,
a man she'd never even heard of.

He has my power of attorney.

He has control of my bank accounts,
of my property.

He… he's selling off my assets.

And he is spending all of my money
without my permission.

Adele. Do you have… any family?

Not since my son passed away.

Catherine, if you knew this injustice
was being done to Adele,

why didn't you simply call me
before you attempted to kidnap her?

Well, dear, you'd helped me out on those
two convenience store robberies,

not to mention the murder.

I didn't want to think
I was becoming a bother.

(comical stinger playing)

So, one has only to fill out a few forms,
and is then fully licensed by the state?

It's that easy.

Now many conservators
are perfectly qualified,

but the lesser ones
are akin to the jackal.

They sniff around hospital corridors,

hunting for senior citizens
with no family ties.

When they corner one, the conservator goes
before a judge with an emergency motion.

The judge overburdened with caseloads,
quickly grants them a power of attorney.

And suddenly, they sink their teeth
into that senior's life.

They seize their assets,

strip away all their
decision-making powers,

then run up charges,

feeding off the estates
until the bones have been picked clean.

Wow. Aren't people grand?

Alan, what are you eating?

Jamaican ackee.

It tastes like scrambled eggs
if you cook it.

No, thanks.

How do you want to proceed
with Adele's conservator?

Mr. Wharton?

A visit to his den would be a good start.

Why not?

Avoid the pink parts.

They've been known
to cause vomiting or death.

(comical stinger playing)

(utensils clatter)

SHIRLEY: The first thing
we should talk about is Paul Lewiston.

Well, let's wait until he gets here.

Well, that's the point.
He's not getting here.

His schedule's been a bit shaky since
he's taken custody of his granddaughter.

Granddaughter?

Fiona, his daughter Rachel's…

Oh, right, right, right. The druggie.

She's not a druggie.

She has an addiction for which
she's receiving treatment.

We don't need Paul. The hell with it.

I'll take care of this.
What's on his plate?

Uh, to start with,
Paul has final interviews

for summer associate candidates.

Boring. Next.

Uh, it's almost the first of the month.

Someone needs to meet
with the building manager.

-I'll take that.
-SHIRLEY: And, Sam Wolfson

wanted some time this week.

Oh, Sam and I go way back. I'll cover Sam.

Well, folks, there you are.
You see? Problem solved.

Denny Crane, hands-on management.

(comical stinger playing)

Where's Paul?

Oh, dear God.

My absence at this morning's partnership
meeting was unavoidable.

I had to take Fiona to the pediatrician.

SHIRLEY: Perfectly understandable, Paul.

We're just curious when
you'll be returning to work full-time.

(sighs)
Shirley.

I have recently become the single parent
to a three-year-old child

who has no one but me to depend on.

Paul, I know it's hard.

No, it's not about being hard.

It's that my priorities are different now.

And suddenly,
this firm doesn't seem so important.

Denny Crane, master of the house.

-Hello, Denny. How are things?
-Couldn't be better.

Paul, I heard about your druggie daughter.

I've got things under control now.

Why don't you take the time you need?

Thank you.

I intend to.

Shirley.

"Druggie daughter"?

What?

We covered the increased security
at the front desk.

And you're going to repair the water
damage on the 14th floor.

Da. I take care of Friday, if good.

Very good.

That went smoothly.

So I guess I'll see you next month.

So…

(claps)

-I'm forgetting something.
-Yeah.

Right. Here's the thing,
I don't know what it is I'm forgetting.

Envelope.

Are you asking me for a bribe?

No! No, no, no, no.

(pensive music playing)

Cretins.

So, are you gonna tell me?

Yes, you're zipped.

That's not what I meant.

-Denny, do you mind?
-Shirley, you're my girl.

I rarely look at people's faces
other than my own.

But your pallor was telling me something.

Man trouble?

It's Ivan.

He won't stop until he gets what he wants.

Right now what he wants is me. And…

for once, I don't trust myself with him.

So, why not have an affair with him
and get it over with?

And what about his sweet, young wife?

Not to mention my own morals.

(chuckles) Morals.

Invented by the power elite to keep
the hoi polloi from enjoying themselves.

As for the wife, either she won't find out

and you'll be fine,
or she will and she'll learn.

If he's gonna have an affair with someone,
why not be part of the fun?

Maybe you should write fortune cookies.

And maybe you should fantasize
about him with someone else.

Good-bye, Denny.

Was that too subtle? I meant me.

(quirky stinger playing)

(upbeat stinger playing)

Wait out here, Adele.
I'll just be a minute.

Catherine, to what do I owe
this pleasant surprise?

I heard you were going
to see Wharton today.

I'm on my way.

I just want to warn you,

don't be fooled
by his silly, cherubic face.

I mean, he fools judges,
he fools hospital administrators.

Anyone he needs to so he can get his hands
on folk like Adele and her pocketbook.

He's a bad man, Alan.

I'm hardly ever fooled.

CATHERINE: Oh, come on.

The first time you met me,

I'm sure you had no idea I'd be capable
of killing a man with a frying pan.

Catherine, when I met you,

I was sure you could accomplish anything
you set your mind to,

and you've yet to disappoint.

Just so you know,
I've asked Jesus not to forgive him.

I think Adele has a very good friend.

Oh!

Adele and I are old.

If we don't stick up for each other,
who will?

(loudly)
Hello, Adele!

Clifford, regarding the collection,
when one is faced with a daunting loss,

one tries to hold tightly
to something tangible.

As your attorney and as someone
who's been there,

divorce can play some very nasty tricks
on your psyche.

So you're asking,
is it conceivable I can't let Natalie go?

I'm putting it out there as a possibility.

Given the fact
she'd rather spend more time

chairing the Women's Studies Department
than be with me.

And that she's the one
that asked for the divorce?

Something like that.

The answer is still no.

Shirley, this is my vision.

It's not just some collection of smut.

It's an actual window into our history.

A look at how we perceive ourselves

and our society through a lens
of our most primary urges.

I even had this artist's rendering done
for a museum I'd like to start.

"Professor Clifford Cabot's
cabinet of sexual curiosities."

Now that's just to get them in the door.

(chuckles)

I'm beginning to get the idea,
and I think a judge might as well.

However,
I still feel if you don't give a little,

you'll stand to lose a lot.

WHARTON: Sorry about the mess.
It's been busy lately.

I can imagine.

(laughs)
Oh, look, Denise.

When's the last time you saw a TV tray?

Suddenly I feel like watching Bonanza.

So you wanted to talk about Adele?

Yes, Adele tells us that you have moved
her into an assisted living facility

and are selling off her assets.

Well, it's the only way
to pay for the place.

They're so damn expensive.

Someone should look into that.

An alternative would be to take her out
of the facility and move her back home.

Just a thought.

Oh, I know Adele does not want
to be there.

She's fighting me on that one.

(Alan chuckles softly)

Mr. Wharton, we've met with Adele.

And while she may have had trouble
when she first arrived at the hospital,

she has since recovered
and is ready to move on with her life.

DENISE: And as her attorneys,
we'd like to help you

move on with certain things as well.

We've gotten rid of the trouble
of court nonsense,

notary public,
standing in line at the post office.

You have only to sign this release.

And we will relieve you of one
of the burdens

of your already overburdened workload.

(Wharton scoffs)

She got to you, didn't she?

I beg your pardon?

Adele. She's very good with strangers.

Adele has clinical depression.

You probably saw her on a good day.

She has bouts of forgetfulness,
poor judgment, difficulty concentrating.

If I were to let her go,
as an appointee of the court,

and more importantly, as one
of the only people who cares about her,

I would be completely remiss.

Mr. Wharton, what color are Adele's eyes?

Uh… blue.

They're brown.

What was her son's name?

ALAN: Jonathan.

Mr. Wharton,
as someone who cares about Adele

and is supposed to be caring for Adele,

you seem to be very forgetful yourself.

Please don't forget your court date.

(calm music playing)

(panting)

Denny.

(panting)

-You're panting.
-Yes.

Because of me?

Because of you.

Lock the door.

Because of you

Paul didn't keep his meeting
with the building manager

and Brad stiffed him.

Now we don't have elevator service
before 7:00 A.M.

and I had to walk up 14 flights of stairs.
Didn't you?

I climb the stairs every morning.
The elevator's for Democrats.

Lock the door.

My nipple's hard.

(scoffs)

While I appreciate the update
on your vestigial teat,

you're not horny, you're freezing.

Apparently the heat doesn't go on
in the building before 7:00 A.M.

Because Paul didn't keep his special
agreement with the building.

You're not gonna lock the door, are you?

Denny, you've got to convince
Paul to stay.

Me? Never happen.

The reason you, me, Alan
and the rest of us get to go to court,

and yell "objection" and sue people
and make witnesses cry is Paul!

Paul makes the elevators run.

He supervises the associates.
He double-checks the billables.

Well, let me tell you, Shirley.

What makes this place run… money!

And I bring it in.

You bring it in, Denny.

But, Paul puts it to work.

Shirley, a supermarket doesn't close
because the cashier quit.

Yes, it does, Denny.

Otherwise people would just
walk out with the food.

(quirky stinger playing)

(hisses)

Good news.

My client, in the spirit of cooperation,

has made what I consider
an amicable and generous offer.

Natalie is willing to give up
the entire erotica collection,

books, magazines, paintings, photos.

A collection which includes
five first edition copies of The Pearl.

Which I'm guessing is not
a biography of Earl Monroe.

IVAN: Hardly.

The full title is, The Pearl: A Journal
of Facetiae and Voluptuous Reading.

It was first published in London
by the Society of Vice in 1879.

The original, unbound periodicals
are exceedingly rare.

And they alone are worth more

than the entire rest
of the collection put together.

So we understand what we're talking about.

-Perhaps, I could read a passage.
-Ivan, that wouldn't…

"I poured into her ears
a tale of burning love.

Finding that she made no resistance,
I pressed her to my bosom.

I undressed her
till she stood in perfect…

-nudity."
-(mouthing) Nudity.

IVAN: "I led her to the bedside.
She lay back.

I sank to my knees…

and then with eagerness
and tenderness, I…"

Well, you get the idea.

As cheesy as that was, I do.

(smacks lips) Well, that being said…

Natalie is willing to give up
the collection except for one small item

that she currently has in her possession.

Which item?

Something called the Hysteria Machine.

The Hysteria Machine?

That harridan!

What the hell is a Hysteria Machine?

The premier piece
of the entire collection.

Why didn't I see this coming?

Forget the house, forget the pewter.

She wants to play dirty, so be it.

Ivan, we're going to court.

Sounds like a date.

(upbeat stinger playing)

(upbeat stinger playing)

ALAN: Your Honor, since he became
Mrs. Freeman's conservator,

Mr. Wharton has placed Mrs. Freeman
in a convalescent home against her will,

has taken control of all her credit cards.

He has charged exorbitant fees
to the estate.

To pay her $90 electric bill,

he charged the estate $150.

He charged $170 to bring her
less than $50 worth of groceries.

Your Honor, these are legitimate expenses.

The truth is, if everyone did their job,

helped out with their family,
their friends, their neighbors,

it would render my job unnecessary.

But we don't.

We, as a society, don't like to care
of the old and the weak.

It's a difficult, heart-wrenching affair.

Well, I stood up and am doing it.

I have an affidavit
from the admitting nurse

at the hospital
where Adele was first taken.

She says Adele was confused, disoriented,

and apparently hadn't eaten
in several days.

A state any of us might be in

after the death
of our last surviving family member.

I have an affidavit
from the Cottonwood Assisted Living Home,

which states Mrs. Freeman
is lucid and rational.

She's lucid
because she's well taken care of.

JUDGE ISABEL: Mr. Wharton makes a point.

Mrs. Freeman is 83 and has no family.

What if she goes off her medication?
Suppose she takes a fall?

Your Honor, if that's a concern,

I can arrange for her
to live with a friend.

A friend, especially a… mature friend,

is not the same as a family member
or a legal conservator.

-Your honor, I…
-I've heard enough from both sides.

I'm assigning
a court-appointed psychiatrist

to examine you, Mrs. Freeman.

Until I have evidence
that you are entirely self-sufficient,

you will remain a ward of Mr. Wharton.

We will reconvene in six weeks
after the examination.

Six weeks?

Your Honor, for Mrs. Freeman,
that is a lifetime.

And in the court system,
it's practically the speed of light.

(gavel pounds)

JUDGE ISABEL: We're adjourned.

It was actually used as a medical device.

During the Victorian era,
there was an inability

or an unwillingness of society
to comprehend female sexual desire,

so this desire was misinterpreted
as "an illness."

It doesn't seem to be working.

Well, it takes a minute
or two to get its steam up.

In the meantime, Professor Cabot,

could you tell us
how the hysteria machine works?

Women frequently complained
of symptoms such as nervousness,

uh, heaviness in the abdomen,
vaginal lubrication,

insomnia and so on.

Doctors referred to these symptoms
as hysteria,

but of course,
they're actually signs of sexual arousal.

Before the invention of this machine,

a doctor would, uh, massage a woman

until she reached a climactic "paroxysm",

as they called it.

I should've listened to my mother.
She always wanted me to be a doctor.

And how did this machine come into being?

A doctor invented it because…

well, his arm got tired.

(steam whizzing)

CLIFFORD: Ah! The steam is up,
and it's ready to go.

(machine whizzing, clacking)

Oh, my God.

CLIFFORD: It's amazing, isn't it?

And I haven't even put the attachments
on yet, which go right there.

Oh, my God!

CLIFFORD: It's the only working one
of its kind in the world.

It's unique and valuable
and irreplaceable.

Would you shut it off, please?

(machine continues whizzing)

Sorry, Your Honor. A steam engine doesn't
just shut off right away.

(whimsical stinger playing)

Mr. Wharton, unfortunately,
what may seem like a small victory

is really just postponing the inevitable.

We will prevail.

And since I know you're anxious
to get home and rake your shag carpet,

why don't you just let this one go?

Well, mostly because I'm mad.

And for Adele's sake, I'm willing to stay
in this for the long haul.

I'll hire my own high-priced attorneys
at $500 an hour.

And you know where that money comes from,
don't you? Adele's bank account.

That's what it's there for:
to insure the well-being of my client.

But don't worry.

I'll eventually stop battling you
once all the money's run out.

(unsettling stinger playing)

(machine whizzing)

(machine sputters)

Professor Cabot, don't you intend,
eventually, to donate this collection,

including the Hysteria Machine,
to a museum,

a place where everyone could…

get some pleasure from it?

Objection, Your Honor.
Leading the witness.

JUDGE LESLIE: Sustained.

The witness will not answer.

But I got the point anyway.
Please take a seat.

It seems to me that Professor Clifford
Cabot's motivation for wanting the machine

would serve a greater good than your more…

localized motivations.

I'm inclined to award the machine
to Professor Clifford Cabot.

Bring it and an inventory
of the rest of the collection

into court this afternoon.

And then I'll decide who gets what.

(gavel pounds)

(upbeat stinger playing)

Alan. He's selling her house.

That's my living room.

My son, Jonathan's bedroom.

My kitchen. My bathroom.

My house is a charming
three-bedroom with potential.

What's going on?

Mr. Wharton is even more rancid
than I had imagined.

He's attempting to sell Adele's home.

Apparently, this isn't the first time
Mr. Wharton has done this.

According to a title search, he has sold
11 houses belonging to his wards.

And get this,

the house he's living in right now
belonged to another one of his wards

who happened to pass away in her sleep.

(Adele exclaims)

This man is pure evil.

Alan, you have got to get that
creative brain of yours to work

and stop him.

Yes, I do.

-Stolen?
-Right out of her car.

-Oh, no.
-It's all she had.

Please, this is ludicrous.

I mean, obviously, Mrs. Cabot doesn't
want to surrender the hysteria machine.

And she's hiding it from her husband
for her own personal reasons.

-That's a shocking accusation.
-You know, you're right.

-You don't play fair.
-What can I say?

Your Honor, my client recognizes

that the news is causing distress
to Professor Cabot

and is therefore willing to pay
her half of the appraised value.

JUDGE LESLIE: Nonsense.

The item in question
was in Mrs. Cabot's care and control.

Clearly, this machine
is a precious item… to him.

I am therefore ordering you pay
the full cost of the machine,

plus punitive damages
I will determine at a later date.

Your Honor, this is unacceptable.
Obviously, she still has the machine.

If it turns up,
we will address the matter later.

But until such time, this ruling stands.

-(gavel slams)
-You lying bitch.

-Don't threaten me!
-You think this is over?

-The judge ruled.
-It's not over.

SHIRLEY: People!

Clifford, we need to push forward
with this.

If the hysteria machine was stolen,

you need to take the necessary
and appropriate action.

And as co-owner,
you will file a police report.

And you will file a claim
with your insurance company.

There'll be an investigation.
You'll have to open up your house.

If you give a false statement
to the police,

or worse these days,
the insurance company,

you'll be charged with fraud

and prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.

And from my experiences,

the DA's office takes these crimes
seriously and often pushes for jail time,

where you'll be able to do
lots of women's studies.

-Shirley.
-Hmm?

That's not nice.

Oh. Are we being nice now?

(upbeat stinger playing)

-(suspenseful music playing)
-(audience applaud)

This is for $4,000, Bob.

GAME SHOW HOST:
A provost is a high-ranking officer

commonlyfound at what type
ofinstitution?

Museum, hospital, university, bank.

It's university, you idiot.

University.

-Final answer?
-Final.

Yes, sir. You got it again, Bob.

(audience applauding on TV)

(thumping, clattering)

Help!

(grunts)

(muffled screams)

Help! Help!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

-(Game show host on TV) Yes, or not a…
-(muffled scream)

No!

Help! Help!

Help!

(muffled screaming)

(applause, music on TV)

-(door knob turns, knocking)
-(Wharton exclaims)

-ALAN: Yoo-hoo.
-(muffled) Over here!

-ALAN: Anybody home?
-(muffled) Over here! Over here!

ALAN: Mr. Wharton!

(Wharton whimpering)

Oh, my goodness.

This is dreadful. Look at you.

You've been assaulted and robbed.

Oh, the world we live in.

Who on earth would
do something such as this?

(gagged speech)

(chuckles)
Oh, of course. You can't speak.

I'll get you a pad and a pencil.

No, that's no good. Your hands are tied.

My God. You must have been left here
for what, over an hour?

It must feel awful to be left alone
and vulnerable.

Well, apparently,

they made off with nothing more
than some dingy old file boxes

which could only contain records,
I would imagine.

How stupid are they?

I mean, what could they possibly
hope to get for that?

Anyway, I'm glad it's over.

Let's just pray it never happens again

and again and… again.

(hums)

Oh!

Also, obviously, you're in no shape
to handle your court-appointed duties,

particularly with regard to Adele.

Not to worry.
I just happen to have with me…

that release form from the other day.

Now maybe there's just enough give here…

(grunts)
…to let you sign it.

Hmm. There's that. Here you go.

Wonderful!

You know, now that this experience
has brought us closer,

I feel I can say this.

Sometimes these events are just what
one needs to shake things up a bit.

Make a change.

New job, new direction, new ideas,
just a thought.

I'm thinking now would
be a perfect time to start.

Yes, well, this is much better already.

I feel that foreboding
sense of danger fading.

Still, best to stay alert.
On the right path,

because you never know when this kind
of thing might happen again.

You only know that it will.

(sinister stinger playing)

(upbeat stinger playing)

Hey.

Hey, hey.

You didn't actually file a police report?

And an insurance claim.

(sighs)

-Shirley.
-(elevator alarm bell rings)

If, God forbid, the guy who stole this
feels remorse and returns it to my client,

she could end up going to jail.

It's a tribute to the risks one is willing
to take for some momentary pleasure.

Which proves my point, by the way.

It's not just me, it's all of us.

We are all merely sexual animals.

And, Shirley, as crude
as you might think me at times,

at least I put myself out there
and act on my instincts.

You must at least admire me for that.

I more than admire you, Ivan,
and you know it.

You have a wife who adores you
and who you love,

probably more than
you're willing to admit.

And for her sake, if not more
importantly for your own,

you need to grow up.

(tender music playing)

(elevator alarm bell rings)

I love you, Shirley.

I love you, too.

(cheerful stinger playing)

Sam.

-Denny Crane. Good to see you.
-(laughs)

Oh, look at you. How's Evelyn?

She's well. She's very well.
Thanks for asking.

How is the fishing going this season?

In the water or in the bedroom?

SAM: Uh-oh.

(all laughing)

Well… what can we do for you?

Shouldn't we wait for Paul Lewiston?

Paul's dialing things back
a little right now.

Oh, well.

I'm considering divesting from some
of my Hong Kong subsidiaries…

-Really?
-SAM: And, uh…

I'm sorry. Is Paul leaving the firm?

It's unclear. But the point is,
I'm your point man. Always have been.

Denny, we've known each other a long time,

so I don't take any pleasure
in being this blunt.

But I love having a drink with you,
schmoozing.

Right.

Paul's the one I deal with.

I mean, he's the expert in Asian markets,
and you…

Well…

(gloomy stinger playing)

This is for you.

-What is it?
-Open it.

(sighs)

Denny.

Just a simple "Thank you, oh kind
and benevolent leader" will suffice.

I can't accept this.

I thought it was what you always wanted.

I'm sure it's what you thought
I always wanted.

You trying to play hardball with me, Paul?

Don't tell me this whole thing
is simply a matter of respect?

Good God, it is.

My mind and my priorities are exactly
where they should be right now.

When Rachel gets out, I will be back here
full-time, or maybe I won't.

In the meantime,
it will give you the opportunity

to actually think about things
for a change.

God bless us. We found it.

The antique, steam-powered
woman-pleasing machine

is always in the last place you look.

You bet.

Now my client is more than thrilled
to return it

and just ask for visitation rights.

However, she cannot do that from jail,

and so she requests that the police
and insurance claims be withdrawn.

Done. I just want to check to make sure
it's the original machine.

You don't trust me.

Not a bad idea.

I left my wife, Shirley.

Did you?

About an hour ago.

So what do you think?

To be honest,
I'm a little afraid to think.

Well, no need then.

However, you know me.
I do have a question.

And what would that be?

(machine vibrating)

Would you like to see my attachments?

(steam whizzing)

(quirky music playing)

Denny. You're here late.

I run the place. So…

you and Shirley?

Gives us something in common.

A hell of a woman.

We have something else in common.

What's that?

We're both… leading men.

We're like stars in our own show.

Only the star doesn't have
only one leading lady.

Oh, sure, sometimes,
at the end of an episode,

it looks like he's settling down
with someone.

But the next week, she's not there.
It's somebody else.

It's a way of holding up viewer interest.

You're a strange man, Denny.

Strange leading man.

You're not gonna hurt her, Ivan.

(pensive music playing)

So whose ass did you have kicked?

Someone whose arse thoroughly deserved it.

Good.

I can never understand

why people don't use violence more often
to solve their problems.

Works every time.

Actually, I'm quite disturbed by it.

I had a real appetite for Mr. Wharton's
fear and suffering.

Is that unusual?

ALAN: For me? Not at all.

What was unusual was how swiftly
I acted on my cravings.

It was an emergency.
What else could you do?

Something more clever.

Equally disturbing was
how easy it all was.

A quick fix which required
very little thought on my part,

just a phone call.

I wonder what I'm turning into.

Denny Crane.

(scoffs)

I think I'm still a long ways
away from that.

Oh.

Don't you worry.

You'll get there.

(mellow music playing)

BRAD: Next on Boston Legal…

ALENA: We babysit each other's kids.

-EVETTE: We go to Costbuy together.
-Split everything.

Toilet paper, paper towels.
And we both share rent.

The law on polygamy
has been settled for a long time.

-How can we help you?
-A wrongful death suit.

Filed by the mother of a kid
who died while playing their latest game.

We've got a woman with a dead kid.

Now a jury is gonna wanna
make somebody pay for this.

Apple trash can is picked from God.

Not the years 60
when classic electrons are free.

You aren't sailing past honor.

-Objection. I think.
-JUDGE STEPHEN: Mr. Shore.

Word salad?

It's talking in unintelligible gibberish.

(theme music playing)