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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:05,402
[DC theme music playing]
2
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:26,359
How can he call himself
Batman if he's not part bat?
3
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,829
He's just a dude who
dresses up like a bat.
4
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:32,765
That's animal appropriation.
5
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:36,603
Hey, everybody! How was
Kite Man's bachelor party?
6
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:40,073
I got married and saved the
Oceanic Trade Federation.
7
00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:41,475
Other than that, pretty chill.
8
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,844
How was Ivy's bachelorette bash?
9
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:47,155
It was great. It was so great.
Emotionally low stakes, you know.
10
00:00:47,179 --> 00:00:50,450
I had a great time. Ivy had a great
time. We slept in separate beds...
11
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,453
Normal bachelorette
stuff. So, yeah...
12
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:56,289
Well, hey! I'm just, I'm
ready to keep the party going!
13
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,894
[blows air horn]
14
00:00:57,918 --> 00:01:01,728
Who wants to get a drink with me? One or
two? Or a few drinks? Or a lot of drinks?
15
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:05,231
Drink so much we forget the
last 48 hours or maybe more?
16
00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:08,802
Oh. I'd love to but I gotta
be with my wife, Tabitha.
17
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,813
Sunday's are big at her family.
18
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:14,450
They are very religious, seeing
as how Jesus was really a shark.
19
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:15,976
What about you, Clayface?
20
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,454
I, too, am spending this
evening with a paramour.
21
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:19,855
His name is Tony.
22
00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:22,516
And he's the only
award show that matters.
23
00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:26,016
Okay, have fun, guys...
24
00:01:29,388 --> 00:01:31,358
[Harley sighs]
25
00:01:31,457 --> 00:01:33,793
A landlord always
knows two things:
26
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:37,774
when an oven's busted, 'cause ya
can't charge rent without a working oven...
27
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:38,865
[chuckles]
28
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,634
And when a tenant's blue.
29
00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:42,135
So, spill it, hon,
30
00:01:42,234 --> 00:01:43,870
or I could get my torture kit?
31
00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:47,307
It's just, everybody's got
somebody special in their lives,
32
00:01:47,406 --> 00:01:48,909
- except me...
- So what?
33
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,911
You don't need a
lover to be happy.
34
00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:53,447
Do the thing that
makes you happy.
35
00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:56,316
Life is about feeding your soul!
36
00:01:56,415 --> 00:01:58,762
Yeah, no. I'm just gonna go out
and boink the fuck out of somebody.
37
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:01,454
Let's get this party
started, bitches!
38
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,625
Harley Quinn's here
and she's down to clown!
39
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:07,661
[clears throat] Do you
have a reservation?
40
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,830
- Um, no.
- You'll have to clown at the bar, then.
41
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:12,598
[sigh]
42
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,634
[theme music playing]
43
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,506
Room for Squares
is, of course, a classic,
44
00:02:19,605 --> 00:02:24,510
but it's really John Mayer's third album
when he solidified the John Mayer sound.
45
00:02:24,610 --> 00:02:26,513
- [yawns]
- So, my place or yours?
46
00:02:26,612 --> 00:02:29,582
Actually, I'm just gonna
stop talking to you right now.
47
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,186
God. The guys
in this place suck.
48
00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:34,754
Yeah, well, they beat the food.
49
00:02:34,854 --> 00:02:36,633
But what do you
expect from a Wayne?
50
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,976
[both laugh]
51
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,969
That's the first funny thing
a guy's said to me all night.
52
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,695
If you like that, I got
plenty more jokes.
53
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,498
[Joker laughing]
54
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,670
You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me.
55
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,875
[Gordon] I want a squad
of men and a single woman
56
00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:57,644
over to the oil
refinery district, ASAP.
57
00:02:57,743 --> 00:03:01,615
Those Parademon bastards are chugging
down oil like a desperate teen to Benadryl.
58
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:04,852
Then send another unit, same
gender ratio, to Gotham Park.
59
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,954
And a third crew to... Jesus!
60
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:10,623
Those hell-rats are spreading
faster than chlamyd' on my knob!
61
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:11,299
Where, sir?
62
00:03:11,311 --> 00:03:13,393
My privates! Where else
would an STD spread?
63
00:03:13,492 --> 00:03:15,562
I meant where do you
want the third squad, sir?
64
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:16,665
Oh. The harbor.
65
00:03:16,689 --> 00:03:18,664
-Commissioner, sir! This came for you.
-Oh!
66
00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:20,768
Gotta be the new Dave
Barry book I ordered.
67
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,736
Every time I read this guy's stuff
I'm like... "That's pretty funny."
68
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,372
The Dark Knight needs me.
69
00:03:28,307 --> 00:03:31,243
Oh! He remembered.
70
00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:34,882
[Batman] Jim, get in.
71
00:03:36,415 --> 00:03:39,519
[Snoring] No, don't
go in, Magnum.
72
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,389
[loud bang]
73
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,657
Oh. It's you.
74
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,221
I thought ya left the crew.
75
00:03:46,245 --> 00:03:49,429
I'm so sorry, I would've called
but I never got your phone number.
76
00:03:49,528 --> 00:03:51,764
- Oh, well, mine's 203...
- Don't care.
77
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,308
I'm gonna get my
stuff and head out.
78
00:03:53,332 --> 00:03:55,878
So you're really
gonna just leave Harley
79
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,622
after everything
she did for you?
80
00:03:57,646 --> 00:04:01,018
Okay look, I'm in a very zen place,
and we have very different goals.
81
00:04:01,042 --> 00:04:03,543
I wanna trounce the
skulls of my fallen foes, and
82
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,646
she wants to... I don't know, do whatever
someone with a moral compass does.
83
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,490
You ungrateful little shit!
84
00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:11,651
You leave the dance
with the one you brought!
85
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,987
- Riddle me this...
- Oh, shut the fuck up!
86
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:17,500
Can't you see I'm trying to
elegantly end this conversation
87
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:19,526
with this mechanical fossil?
88
00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:21,694
Good luck getting
out again, fuck head!
89
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,076
Alright, so I fortified the
shackles on that hamster wheel.
90
00:04:24,165 --> 00:04:26,500
It's basically impenetrable.
91
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,045
Feed him at 5:00, shock him at 7:00.
Maybe a snack at 9:00 if he's good.
92
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,939
Have fun dying
alone, you fuckin' freak!
93
00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:33,607
Smell ya later, old man.
94
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,346
[screaming]
95
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:43,350
Jiminy, you look
familiar. Do I know you?
96
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:45,651
No! No, no, I have
a very common look.
97
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:48,088
Oh, I remember
you from Noonan's!
98
00:04:48,189 --> 00:04:50,824
You probably don't remember me
because I was a low-rent barback,
99
00:04:50,923 --> 00:04:53,593
and now I'm an
upscale bartender.
100
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:57,596
It's a meteoric rise virtually
unheard of in this industry.
101
00:04:57,697 --> 00:05:01,567
Hey! Wait, hold on. Can I
offer you a Wayne fashioned?
102
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:04,038
It's like an old fashioned,
but more expensive.
103
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,439
Ya think all ya gotta do is
buy me one spirit-forward drink
104
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:08,742
and I'll go gushy for ya?
105
00:05:08,841 --> 00:05:10,377
Uh, not gonna happen.
106
00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:13,055
Whoa, to be clear, I'm
not trying to hit on you.
107
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:16,449
I'm unbelievably happy
with my wonderful girlfriend.
108
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,350
Mmm, sweet as pie.
109
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,086
Why couldn't you have just died?
110
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,564
Gosh, I love her. And our kids.
111
00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:27,459
Well, you know, her kids, but gosh darn
it if they don't feel like mine, y'know?
112
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,562
I don't know, and I
don't need to know.
113
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,598
All I know is, right now, you're
the last person I wanna be around!
114
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:34,867
- I'm hittin' a different bar.
- Hoo, boy. Good luck.
115
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,571
Every watering hole around here
has been infested with Parademons,
116
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,439
except this one
on account of the...
117
00:05:39,538 --> 00:05:41,875
- [thuds]
- bulletproof glass.
118
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:45,644
Yep, the top of Wayne
tower is the safest bar in town.
119
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:47,713
- [door slams open]
- Hey, everybody!
120
00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:52,485
Sorry to alarm you, but you're
in a hostile hostage situation.
121
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,553
- Hi, how are you doing?
- [machine gun firing]
122
00:05:54,653 --> 00:05:57,365
Geez, Nicholas.
Not that hostile.
123
00:05:57,389 --> 00:05:59,002
I'm sorry, everyone,
it's his first day.
124
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,026
[all gasping]
125
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,961
Hey, where are you going?
126
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:05,732
I've read your best chance
of survival is giving up easily.
127
00:06:05,831 --> 00:06:08,101
Yeah, normally, I'd go
beat the shit out of 'em,
128
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,146
but I'm havin' a night and
wanna be able to return this dress.
129
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,004
So, you're just gonna escape?
130
00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:14,449
Uh, yeah. I'm not spending
my big night out here,
131
00:06:14,473 --> 00:06:16,913
- and certainly not with the likes of you.
- [thief] Oh, sugar.
132
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:18,845
- We got a wild one.
- [thud]
133
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,682
[groans]
134
00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:27,120
You gotta be kidding me.
135
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,266
[man on radio] Look, bud, all we're asking
is that you release the swanky hostages.
136
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:34,237
Not gonna happen
until I get $50 million!
137
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:36,797
I'll wire it to you
right now! Please!
138
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,932
Hold your horses, I wasn't done.
139
00:06:39,033 --> 00:06:41,035
But let's defiantly
sidebar after.
140
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:44,680
Also, gonna need a
W76-2 nuclear warhead
141
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:46,639
on a Trident II D5 missile...
142
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:50,776
I'm a military contractor. You
can have it. Just don't shoot!
143
00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:54,048
Wow. Okay. Well, you
know, while we're here...
144
00:06:54,148 --> 00:06:59,148
I'm also gonna need a pair of
game-worn Air Jordan 2 OG's.
145
00:07:00,519 --> 00:07:02,055
Would ya stop starin' at me?
146
00:07:02,156 --> 00:07:03,857
Sorry, it's just...
147
00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:06,093
this is gonna
sound crazy, but...
148
00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,495
since we're not going
anywhere anytime soon...
149
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:12,531
after the first time we met,
I had a dream about you!
150
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,101
- Boy was it wacky.
- Wacky how?
151
00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,838
We were on a yacht
with these bankers.
152
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:21,007
And get this: we
were a couple! Right?
153
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,177
Us? No way!
154
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,545
That bleached skin gives
me the heebie-jeebies.
155
00:07:25,644 --> 00:07:27,947
It's gross. I mean, no offense!
156
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,560
But in the dream, I
was so filled with rage,
157
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:34,120
I robbed the bankers.
158
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:38,091
- You didn't set them on fire, did you?
- Wait. You had the same dream?
159
00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:39,959
- Freaaaky.
- Yes!
160
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,572
A dream. Never happened.
Pure fiction. Not canon. Ignore it.
161
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:45,266
It's like meeting
you triggered some...
162
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,800
Well, darn it, it
felt like a past life!
163
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,137
Funny, huh? [Yells]
164
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:50,804
What are you doing?
165
00:07:50,816 --> 00:07:52,249
Jesus Christ, I'm getting
us the fuck out of here.
166
00:07:52,273 --> 00:07:54,208
Please don't use the
Lord's name in vain.
167
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,432
How much do you weigh?
168
00:07:55,456 --> 00:07:59,079
I did a Paleo November, and
now I'm fitting into my skinny cords.
169
00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:02,283
- So, I'm guessing around 170...
- Uh! Never mind.
170
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:04,884
- [yells]
- [grunting]
171
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,288
This! Night! Sucks!
172
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,692
[grunts]
173
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:16,163
Um, I think you just straight
up killed that guy back there.
174
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:18,831
- Do you wanna talk about it, or...
- No.
175
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:21,772
Are you sure? My girlfriend says I'm
a good listener. Sometimes too good.
176
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:25,704
On what occasion would that be? Because
you have not shut the fuck up all night!
177
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,940
It just seems to me like you
have something going on.
178
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,120
Trust me, you're not
someone I can talk to about this.
179
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:33,647
Why not? A bartender is
basically like a therapist.
180
00:08:33,746 --> 00:08:35,881
- So, come on!
- [gasps]
181
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:38,561
- I told my best friend I love her!
- There it is.
182
00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:40,586
But she doesn't trust me
enough to love me back.
183
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,822
You can't love without trust.
184
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:46,092
[exhale] I thought I was fine bein'
alone after my relationship with Jok...
185
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,894
esph... fina... stein.
186
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:51,831
Joksephfinastein?
Sounds Flemish.
187
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:55,269
No one knew his backstory.
Anyway, he was a total abusive dick,
188
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:58,238
hell-bent on utter destruction and
the world's better off without him!
189
00:08:58,339 --> 00:09:01,640
You go, girl! Having a good
vent in a literal vent. Come on!
190
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:03,015
Keep on going!
191
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:12,785
[yawns]
192
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:14,955
[loud thud]
193
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,956
This sucks. I'm not
even doing anything.
194
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,293
That's not true. You
get to hit the button.
195
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,737
But I wanna fly the plane.
196
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:24,039
Be a part of the action! At least
let me shoot a sweet missile.
197
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:27,801
Okay. It takes years of training
to expertly control the Batplane.
198
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,971
- But, Batman, I wanna!
- Alfred, this is ridiculous.
199
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,782
Why don't you let me
go out there already?
200
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,975
Your city needs you
healed, Master Bruce.
201
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,312
I won't allow you to return
to action prematurely, again.
202
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,679
Besides, it's only Parademons.
203
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:42,149
[spits] It's too hot.
204
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,985
- You could wait, Master Wayne.
- Yes, Alfred...
205
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,086
I could.
206
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,105
[blows]
207
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,299
Huh?
208
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:02,034
Batman! Are you seeing
this? Gunfire at Wayne Tower.
209
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:04,104
Come on, big guy!
Give papa some action.
210
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:06,974
[Exhale] Fine. Don't
scratch the paint.
211
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,375
Booya!
212
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,846
I just feel so
alone without Ivy!
213
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,259
I mean, sure, there are some things
I could've done differently. Okay!
214
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,227
At the end of the day, she broke
up with me 'cause I'm too impulsive
215
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,297
and I go around 'causing
messes and never clean 'em up.
216
00:10:20,321 --> 00:10:23,406
Aw! Doesn't it feel good
just to say it out loud?
217
00:10:23,418 --> 00:10:23,722
No!
218
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:25,859
- Harley? Well, well, well...
- Riddler?
219
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,328
If it isn't the simple
clown herself.
220
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,197
- How did you...
- Get here?
221
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,432
[chuckles] Well, I
escaped the mall.
222
00:10:32,533 --> 00:10:36,669
Then, I orchestrated a hostage
situation upstairs as a distraction,
223
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:40,441
so I could sneak in
here to grab this baby.
224
00:10:40,541 --> 00:10:43,143
-Classic misdirect.
-Yeah, yeah, great. But, I was gonna say,
225
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,379
- how did ya get so buff?
- Hmm?
226
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:48,457
Oh. Spending every waking moment running
on that hamster wheel gets you shredded.
227
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,217
I mean, check out these
quads... wait, wait, wait.
228
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,719
Is that Joker?
229
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,288
Oh, my, you think I
look like the Joker?
230
00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:58,958
[Joker laugh]
231
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:02,328
Nope, no! He's just a bartender who
gives great, non-judgmental advice.
232
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:05,466
Well, either way,
you're both gonna die.
233
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,802
Sure, I moved back
to Gotham to see 'em,
234
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,806
- but what if my kids don't want to see me?
- Don't say that, Carl.
235
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:16,210
Yeah, but it's been seven long years.
I left 'em when they needed me most.
236
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,412
You can't keep blaming
yourself for the past.
237
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,946
You need to forget.
238
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,780
Maybe they're
better off without me.
239
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:22,881
[Harley gasps]
240
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,785
[gunshots]
241
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:28,687
[exclaiming]
242
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,499
[gasps]
243
00:11:38,599 --> 00:11:40,767
Tuck in any fingers
you wanna keep!
244
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:46,940
- Oh. What'd that do?
- I don't know.
245
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,909
Oh, no. Carl, I'm so sorry...
246
00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:51,912
It's a cancer ray.
247
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:54,081
Harley Quinn, you
gave me cancer?
248
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,182
Why would they even make this?
249
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:59,119
Well, that's it, Kev. I'm gonna go
spend the holidays with my kids.
250
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,520
I'm so sorry!
251
00:12:02,423 --> 00:12:03,956
- [zapping]
- [shouts]
252
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:07,494
No, no, please.
Please, please... Ow!
253
00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:10,062
[struggles]
254
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:12,198
[yells]
255
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,168
- [Joker laughter]
- No.
256
00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:17,303
No, no, no. No, no, no, no!
257
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,039
Ow! [Zaps out]
258
00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:21,774
My blood sugar must be crashing.
259
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:24,410
Is there a vending machine
around here? [Gasps]
260
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:26,245
Did you kill another person?
261
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,148
Let's just chopper out of here.
262
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,417
All that gratuitous
violence. Yuck.
263
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,385
This is why I
don't like TV today.
264
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,354
Violence ups the
dramatic effect.
265
00:12:34,455 --> 00:12:36,523
I got enough drama in my life.
266
00:12:36,624 --> 00:12:39,393
Just once, I'd like to watch
something where two people fall in love,
267
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,803
and experience no
complications whatsoever.
268
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,827
Oh, and they don't have
sex till they're married.
269
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,102
Oh, my gosh, Batman?
270
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,240
Harley Quinn! And...
271
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:55,576
It's the Joker.
272
00:12:55,676 --> 00:12:58,979
- [impact and struggling sounds]
- I did it!
273
00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:01,947
I took down Batman's
archenemy! On my own.
274
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,551
Papa for the win! [Laughs]
275
00:13:04,652 --> 00:13:07,153
Gordo? [Manic laughter]
276
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:08,989
[in low voice] Good
to see ya, buddy!
277
00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:13,960
What's happening?
Don't leave me in here!
278
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,462
- Please, I don't like small spaces!
- [Batplane locks]
279
00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:17,939
I knew it was only
a matter of time until
280
00:13:17,951 --> 00:13:19,476
you two psychos started
knocking boots again.
281
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,902
What? No. Uh! See, he's...
282
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,336
Never mind, I'll explain later.
283
00:13:23,437 --> 00:13:26,038
Harley! We came as
soon as we got your text.
284
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,942
Indeed! I paused the
Tonys and I'm DVRing it,
285
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,412
so no one tell me who won
Best Lighting in a Musical.
286
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,846
It was Howell
Binkley, wasn't it?
287
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:38,150
When's Japhy Weideman going
to get his day in the fucking sun!
288
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,620
- I didn't text anyone.
- Then who did?
289
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,457
- Swole!
- [all exclaiming]
290
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,259
Did ya just run up 18 flights?
291
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,995
Uh, try 19 and
a half. [chuckles]
292
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:51,498
How did you escape
Psycho's fortified jail?
293
00:13:51,599 --> 00:13:53,500
And get so hot
without us knowing?
294
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,172
Here ya go, pal.
295
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:01,542
You know what, I lied. I
did have your phone number.
296
00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:04,244
I actually had
everyone's phone number!
297
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:07,013
And I was the one
who texted you all!
298
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,548
- [all gasp]
- How dare you?
299
00:14:08,649 --> 00:14:10,517
Yep! And get this...
300
00:14:10,618 --> 00:14:13,019
we actually like
each other. A lot.
301
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,955
You were working
for Riddler all along.
302
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:17,457
- Um, actually...
- He's with me.
303
00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:19,493
You're dating Riddler?
304
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:22,395
Quel scandale!
305
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,965
- [in shock]
- Okay, we're not fucking!
306
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,332
- We're together!
- I see.
307
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:28,168
Not using labels yet, are we?
308
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:31,071
Too new, is it? Lot
of changes, Psycho.
309
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,340
Dating, hooking
up, "baring ass."
310
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:38,177
Call it what you will, I'm proud of
you for finally being who you are.
311
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:43,149
We're in a business partnership
based on mutual respect, idiot.
312
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,595
And you know what, he doesn't
belittle me like you did, Quinn.
313
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:46,986
How did I belittle you?
314
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,989
You never recognized my talent!
315
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,091
You never let me shine!
316
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,058
And also, you hated
working for a woman.
317
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:55,495
Okay, also I hated working
for a woman! But who cares?
318
00:14:55,596 --> 00:14:58,264
So, you and Ninja Turtle Calves
are gonna fight us? Oh, please.
319
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:01,134
You're a tiny man
in a silly tinfoil hat.
320
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,235
All right, here we go!
321
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,006
[Psycho screaming]
322
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,375
[Parademons screech]
323
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:12,044
Maybe your gal-pal Ivy can help!
324
00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:14,715
You wanna call her, maybe?
325
00:15:14,815 --> 00:15:17,984
No, I don't wanna get her
wrapped up in this 'cause this...
326
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,486
This is a very strong example
327
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,089
of one of those messes I
make I was tellin' you about.
328
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,027
This "tinfoil hat"
329
00:15:27,126 --> 00:15:28,995
amplifies brainwaves,
330
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,597
supercharging my mind powers.
331
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:35,601
And with this bad boy, plus my
new hobby of guided meditation,
332
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:39,349
I can control every
Parademon in the city.
333
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:43,152
Oh, I see. He's doin' my
old plan of takin' over Gotham
334
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,520
to team up with Darkseid
and rule the Earth.
335
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:47,222
Then I'm gonna take over Gotham
336
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:49,486
- and team up with Dark...
- [Gordon] She just said that.
337
00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:51,183
Shit! Fuck.
338
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:53,495
The point is, I'm gonna
do what you never could,
339
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,298
because you are a pussy.
340
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:58,134
Pussies are powerful.
They birthed all of humanity!
341
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,259
I was a C-Section.
342
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:04,364
Bring it on! I'm hungry
for Parademons!
343
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,166
Stage combat!
344
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,669
Get me outta here! Not...
345
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:11,538
- [beeping]
- This one! This one...
346
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:16,437
- [electrical buzzing]
- [screams]
347
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,518
Wow. It's like straight steel.
348
00:16:24,618 --> 00:16:27,153
What's black, blue,
and red all over?
349
00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:29,054
Your ass when I beat it!
350
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:31,424
I guess when the abs get
harder, the riddles get dumber.
351
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,875
Bring it, bitch.
352
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,370
- [Parademon screeches]
- I've got this, boys.
353
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,239
[gunshots fired]
354
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:48,375
- [screeches]
- And it's all you.
355
00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:54,147
Give up, Psycho, and
maybe I'll let you live
356
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:57,149
as one of those orphans
that builds Wayneboxes.
357
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,219
Uh... I'm gonna pass!
358
00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:03,269
[maniacal laughter]
359
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:12,499
You thought this
would be a fair fight?
360
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:15,298
You're going down!
361
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,208
Why didn't it work
on the old timer?
362
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,410
Same reason I
can't go to the airport:
363
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,178
metal plates, baby!
364
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,847
God, you're old.
Whatever. I'll kill you too.
365
00:17:27,948 --> 00:17:30,217
[both growl]
366
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:35,855
Why don't you just
brainwash me and end this?
367
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:39,192
Oh, but where's
the pizazz in that?
368
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:43,430
It's way more fun to torture
you with everything you love.
369
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:47,267
This right here is exactly why
you're a terrible supervillain.
370
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,737
- [growls]
- [Harley grunts]
371
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,271
[gunshots]
372
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,344
[growling]
373
00:17:57,376 --> 00:18:00,890
You know what, for too long
I've been looked at as a joke,
374
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:06,015
but when I'm through, people are
gonna respect the name Dr. Psycho!
375
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:09,423
With Batman and the
Justice League gone,
376
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,491
Gotham was yours
for the taking, Harley.
377
00:18:12,593 --> 00:18:14,595
But you couldn't do it.
378
00:18:17,631 --> 00:18:19,132
[growling]
379
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,613
You know, I should
thank you, Harley.
380
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:29,308
If you never made me feel so small, I
never would've known how big I could be.
381
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,593
[both growling]
382
00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:39,152
[yells]
383
00:18:39,853 --> 00:18:42,521
Quinn, God I hate you,
384
00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:44,590
but I need your help.
385
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,802
If we can break through the dome
we can escape in the Batplane.
386
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,761
Can't you just
use a bat-missile?
387
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:51,865
Yeah. We could, but
sometimes I just don't feel like it.
388
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,500
Or I don't wanna.
389
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:55,469
All right, I'm not
allowed to use them.
390
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:57,671
-I'll do it. I'll break through the dome.
-What?
391
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,439
Sy, that's suicide!
392
00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:00,539
[gasps]
393
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:03,410
Harley, dear, I'll admit,
394
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:07,748
when you left the mall earlier tonight,
I did not expect to be in this position.
395
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,182
- But it's a gift!
- Sy, you're...
396
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,419
You're standing.
397
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,755
This is me feeding
my soul, baby.
398
00:19:14,855 --> 00:19:17,758
Nothing would make me
fuller than saving your tuchis
399
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:21,961
and helping you take down
that angry little shvants in a tux.
400
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:24,206
I never liked that one.
401
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:25,941
[on PA system] He's gonna kill
all of us if you don't stop talking.
402
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,701
[crying] Oh.
403
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,236
You were the best
landlord I've ever had.
404
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,471
You always fixed
our oven so fast,
405
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,574
and you never judged me
no matter how many times
406
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,777
I flushed my tampons
down the toilet.
407
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,846
[grunts]
408
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:43,683
As long as you've got this,
you've always got a friend.
409
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:47,936
[gasps]
410
00:19:51,959 --> 00:19:53,660
Hey, Psycho!
411
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:57,730
Thousands of years ago,
my people, the Maccabees,
412
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:01,233
prayed for oil to last
when they needed it most.
413
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:06,416
Unlucky for you, that very
same oil runs through my veins
414
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,375
today!
415
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:10,911
[loud grunt]
416
00:20:11,845 --> 00:20:14,247
Yes! I mean darn.
417
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:16,983
Ah, those Parademons took
out the communications system.
418
00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:19,318
No more autopilot!
Buckle up, Quinn.
419
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,738
Papa's about to earn
himself some wings.
420
00:20:29,695 --> 00:20:33,901
I regret lots of things!
421
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,701
[explodes]
422
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:41,438
[shield powers down]
423
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:45,278
Fuck!
424
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:50,717
[Gordon] Okay, that
was the plane's fault.
425
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,795
We need to take
Psycho down, now.
426
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:54,976
Who knows how much damage
he can do with that helmet?
427
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,833
Yeah, but how? It'd take, like, the
entire Justice League to stop him.
428
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,835
I had a dream about them, too.
429
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:03,406
This is gonna sound crazy
but they were stuck in a book.
430
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:06,708
- What did ya just say?
- Yeah. It was this Book of Fables?
431
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:08,645
Yeah! Queen of Fables.
How did you know that?
432
00:21:08,669 --> 00:21:11,371
Was in one of my
dreams. I held a book
433
00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:13,840
with the entire
Justice League in it.
434
00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:16,809
But, you know, then I woke up
and I don't remember the rest.
435
00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:18,545
[chuckles] Weird!
436
00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:20,579
Gordon, I need you to
drop us off somewhere.
437
00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:25,085
There's a lot of
powerful memories here.
438
00:21:25,185 --> 00:21:26,953
Is this your hideout?
439
00:21:27,054 --> 00:21:29,690
It's not very cozy.
Let me call Beth.
440
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,592
She has family in Central
City. We could stay there
441
00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,560
till this whole mess blows over.
442
00:21:34,661 --> 00:21:37,763
Just me, Beth, the kids,
and my new pal Harley Quinn.
443
00:21:37,865 --> 00:21:40,567
Nah, no, no, Ivy was
right. I keep makin' messes.
444
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:44,070
I brought in the Parademons. I
took in Psycho. I caused all of this.
445
00:21:44,171 --> 00:21:46,349
I can't keep runnin'
from my messes.
446
00:21:46,373 --> 00:21:48,083
And the way I see
it, cleanup starts with
447
00:21:48,107 --> 00:21:50,509
gettin' the Justice League
out of that storybook.
448
00:21:50,609 --> 00:21:52,444
The storybook is
real? Where is it?
449
00:21:52,546 --> 00:21:54,413
I don't know,
but I think you do.
450
00:21:54,513 --> 00:21:56,516
Are you sure you
can't just remember?
451
00:21:56,615 --> 00:21:59,451
It's like I see the
book, but... [grunts]
452
00:21:59,553 --> 00:22:01,788
Everything else is cloudy.
453
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:04,071
That's disappointing
because I really,
454
00:22:04,083 --> 00:22:06,625
really, really, don't
wanna have to do this.
455
00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:08,694
- Do what?
- [sighs]
456
00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:11,832
I'll be seein' ya
soon, Mistah J.
457
00:22:11,932 --> 00:22:15,981
- [shoving grunt]
- [screams]
458
00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:25,144
[closing theme music playing]
35966
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