All language subtitles for Harley Quinn - S02 E06 - All the Best Inmates Have Daddy Issues (1080p - DCU Web-DL)

[Harley] Okay.
Marry, fuck, kill.

Kite Man, Mr. Freeze, Joker.

Yeah, I mean, the first
one is my fiancee, so, duh.

And then, the
other two are dead,

and one of them is your dead
ex-boyfriend. So, gross and duh.

All right, last one.
Two-Face, Killer Croc, Joker.

Again, he's dead,
so let's just...

No. No, it's Joker.

Holy shit. It's... [gasps]

A totally unremarkable
looking white guy.

Ive, I am telling
you that is him,

just without his puke green
hair and bleached white skin.

And maniacal laugh,
blood lust in his eyes,

and fire engine red lips?

No, that was lipstick.
He always stole mine.

Ugh! He was so annoying.

Like, hello, you
can murder a family,

but you're afraid to buy
makeup on your own? [Scoffs]

Harls, this guy
does not look like

he was flattened by a thousand
tons of steel and concrete

when a tower of his own
image crushed him to death,

which is what
happened to Joker, so...

Uh, his body was never found.

Haven't you seen those
conspiracy videos on WayneTube?

Yeah, the one with the song
raises some decent points.

But still, it's impossible
that that guy is him.

Joker tried to throw me
in that acid to undo me.

What if that's him undone?

Yeah, I think you're done.

Babe, I'm telling
you it's not him.

Oh, fuck, it's him!

[theme music playing]

- Do you think he saw us?
- Oh, I hope he saw us,

because I want him to
see the face of his murderer.

- [Harley grunts]
- Hey!

Ivy, no! I just wanna leave
without causing a scene,

for the first time in my life.

Whoa!

I'm so sorry.

Oh. Totally my fault.

It's not often we have
bar patrons on the floor.

I should not have
been daydreaming.

Uh, about world domination?

Skintight purple suits?

Heavens, no! Purple clothes?

I wish I was that bold.

No, I was just
thinking about my kids.

- Kids?
- Say what?

Well, you know, they're my
girlfriend's kids technically,

but they feel like
they're my kids.

Here. Here's a picture.

- Harley.
- You, you know who I am?

No. Just, it says
"Harley" on your bat here.

- You almost left it.
- Thanks.

Well, if you need
extra napkins or water,

you know where to
find me. [chuckles] Bye.

Joker always told
me he hated kids.

You bought that whole act?

He is fucking with you.

I don't know what his game is,

but seriously, we
should just kill him.

[humming nonchalantly]

Yeah, I'm killing him.

We can't kill a normie.

Maybe that acid changed
him, you know, for reals.

Last time you
thought he changed,

he pushed you
out of a helicopter.

This is totally different.
We are not in a helicopter.

- People can't change.
- I did.

Remember when I
used to be a psychologist,

and I wore my
hair up all the time?

Even then I could tell deep
down you were a crazy bitch.

Aw. Thanks.

You are who you
are at your core,

now and forever.

You're wrong,
and I can prove it.

[rock music blaring]

Ninety-nine, one
hundred. Damn it.

Better luck next time, boy-o.

Two out of three, squats.

You're on!

[both grunting]

[Harleen clears throat]

Well, you must be Dr. Quinzel.

Pleasure to meet you. I'm...

Harvey Dent, of course.

You're only the best district
attorney Gotham's ever had.

And let's keep it that
way at the polls tomorrow.

Can I count on your vote?

It's important young
people like you vote.

Well, I may be young,
but you did call me in

to be the Joker's psychologist

because, you know, I studied his
pathology more than anyone else.

Wrote my entire
thesis paper on him,

but, hey, you know that.

We never read your paper. Hell,
we didn't even know you wrote one.

Oh, then... Then
why did you hire me?

Because you're cheap
and you've got a pulse, skirt.

Joker's chewed up every
other shrink in Gotham.

Which is why this
election is so important.

Take an extra for
your mom. She'll love it.

I believe in you.

I won't let you down, sir.
I'm sure in no time, I can...

We have no time.

That psychopath's planted a
bomb somewhere in the city.

We need you to find out
where before it goes kaboom!

We've only got 24 hours
before the polls close.

Or the bomb goes off.

What did I say, the polls?
No, the bomb. The bomb.

Yes. No, I'm talking
about the bomb.

Of course, I'm thinking
about the bomb.

- [alarm blaring]
- Damn it!

[gasps]

[guard screaming]

What happened?
Why does it look like

a salad bar exploded?

Sir, the cafeteria accidentally
ordered living lettuce, sir.

[grunting]

[wincing]

[gunshot]

[moans]

[breathing heavily]

Mr. Dent, you
can't burn inmates.

Not yet. But prop 17

gives an exciting, new
definition to prisoners' rights.

What are you gawking at?

Get to the Joker
and find that bomb.

Remember, tomorrow at the polls,

yes on 17!

[glass squeaks]

[Riddler] Riddle me this.

Who's in over her head

and should've majored
in communication?

Joke's on you.
That was my minor.

Joke was on me. [Gasps]

[Harleen] I'm so sorry.

They shouldn't have done that.

- Fuck off, narc.
- [spits]

You ready, sugar?

[siren blaring]

[laughing] Hello, puddin'.

- [Harleen] Puddin'?
- Oh, shit.

I thought you brought my lunch.

Who's hungry for pudding?

Joker, you're gonna
eat the dessert first?

Ah ha! You know it, pal.

[sighs]

Word to the wise, Dr. Quinzel,

never end up in
maximum security,

no matter how fun the crime is.

Eating alone is a real drag.

So, you know who I am?

I read your thesis. I
thought it was pretty good.

Oh.

For fan fic.

Darling, if you want
to get the story right,

you have to go
straight to the source.

That's why I'm here.

An opportunity to
set the record straight.

[laughing] Well,
that's very good.

But you're here because you
want me to dish about the bomb,

which is gonna go kaboom
in two freckles past a hair.

Ooh, that's soon.

Okay, you caught me.

So, if you're not
gonna tell me where,

maybe you'd like to tell me why?

What? Look at this!

It's, like, five peas.

Seriously, what
kind of nutrients

am I going to get
from five peas?

How about we take a
step back and talk about

your obsession with the bat?

What's that? I'm sorry. The
speakers are getting a little fuzzy.

[mimics crackling]

Where's Dr. Quinn's...
[mimics crackling]

Peas... [mimics
crackling] Puddin'?

Let me in the cell. I
need to get on his level.

That's tough to do
with bars between us.

-You mean the glass?
-Whatever, Cheryl. Just do it.

Your funeral, sug.

There, the speakers
aren't a problem anymore.

It's just you and me,

with nothing in between us.

What? Hey!

What do we have
here? Let me see.

Mighty fine penmanship. Hmm.

Blah, blah, blah. "Insane."

Oh, yes. Blah, blah,
blah. "Egomaniac."

Blah, blah. "Cute."

- I would never write that.
- But I know you thought it.

[Joker laughing]

People are afraid
of you, but I'm not.

Somewhere inside that
big clown is a human being.

- One that can be helped.
- You're so right.

People are scared of me.

[yells]

And for good reason.

No.

Just to be clear about the bomb,

I'm not telling
you shit. [laughing]

Do not touch me.

Hey!

[both] Ah!

[chuckles] You've got spunk.

I hate spunk.

[Harley grunts]

An athlete and a
scholar. [laughs]

You're far too
good for this dump.

[Joker grunts]

Ah, well, I win.

[grunts]

[exhales deeply]

Come back anytime, Harley.

[Joker laughing]

[exhales heavily]

Any idea how stupid that was?

It's a miracle
he didn't kill you.

But he didn't. Joker
wasn't trying to kill me,

he was testing me.

He's screwing with you, Quinzel.

Oh, what's the u...

You're done. Turn in
your badge and gun.

I don't have those things.

Ah, right. Well, turn in
your clipboard and glasses.

I know I can get through to him.

Give me one more chance.

- Well, what other option do we have?
- Me.

Jesus! Was he
here the whole time?

I'll make Joker talk.

[grunts]

Where's the bomb?

[Joker] Why don't you ask Robin?

Oh, wait. Jason Todd
is dead, that's right,

because I killed him.
[laughing maniacally]

[grunts] Too soon?

[laughing]

[continues laughing]

[punches landing]

- Licorice?
- Oh, I could go for a red snack.

Oh, last one.

[Joker laughing]

Leaving so soon, Batsy?

We were just
revving up. [laughing]

He's a lost cause.

We need to evacuate the
city while there's still time.

No, we can't panic the voters.

Uh, the citizens.

You still think you
can get to him?

You bet I can. Just
give me a minute.

So, got any plans
for tonight, Batman?

Uh, stop Joker from
blowing up Gotham.

Yeah, of course.

I meant, like, after that.

I want to ask you about Joker.

Just kill him already.

But then the bomb will go off.

People aren't worth saving.

Kill joker, kill
people, kill yourself.

Your file says you were in
group therapy with Joker,

but all the notes are
missing. What happened?

Tough to take notes when
you're getting murdered.

Joker killed the psychologist?

Yeah, he really didn't
want to talk about his family.

Hmm.

And you know what? I
don't wanna talk to you,

- so get out!
- Thanks for the help.

Back for more, Harley?

It's Dr. Quinzel.

Well, Doc, you've got guts.

I'll give you that.
But that's all you get.

I don't wanna hear
about the bomb.

I wanna hear about
what makes you tick.

[laughs] That's good.

And it's almost a joke.

Tell me about growing up.

[Joker] Oh, look who passed
their freshman psychology class.

We're in an insane asylum.

Not a single person in here
came from a happy home.

People around here seem to
think you have real daddy issues.

[laughs] Ha! Who told you that?

Was it Penguin?

That mutant orphan's
the one with daddy issues.

Well, I can see this is
just too painful for you.

- We can stop for today.
- Painful?

You think you can
hurt me, sweetheart?

I've been hurt by the best.

Oh, please. Everyone's
scarred by their childhood.

Not worse than me!

Fine. You wanna know how
I got these emotional scars?

I'm listening.

All right.

I'll admit my parents
weren't too fond of me.

What makes you think that?

Let me see. Quote.

"Son, we're not fond of you."

My parents were wealthy,
but they never gave me much,

especially not their attention.

So, you must have
spent a lot of time alone.

Well, I had Mr. Ferris.

Was he a role model for you?

He was a ferret,
a beautiful beast.

With gorgeous ringed
fur, Mr. Ferris, the ferret.

Being an only neglected child,

the pet was a brother to me.

We were inseparable.

Until one night, while
Mummy was away,

I made the mistake of
wandering into my father's study.

There I found dear, old
Dad with our maid, naked.

He roared at me, so I rushed
out, went straight to bed.

I hadn't even had supper.

After all, the maid was busy.

The next morning, I
found Ferris's cage empty,

and Daddy above it with
the widest smile I'd ever seen.

That day, my father took away

the one thing I'd ever loved.

Then he beat the shit out of me.

I just remember him standing
over me, punching and laughing,

laughing and
punching, and punching.

[laughing maniacally]

[sobbing]

Personally, I never
got what was so funny.

But that's the thing
about comedy.

Not everyone gets the joke.

You're not defined
by your father.

You don't have to
destroy the world.

I can help you if you help me.

All right. I'll 'fess
up about the bomb.

- But promise me one thing.
- Of course.

I want to eat a normal
meal like a normal person

in a normal insane asylum
at the cafeteria and all.

Done. Next week, you
can eat whatever you want.

No, no. No, it
has to be tonight,

because I don't trust those
assholes to keep your word.

- Licorice, Batman?
- You said you were out.

- I found more.
- Shut it.

Tell me where the bomb is,

and you'll have
that meal tonight.

I promise.

I believe you.

The bomb is in the
heart of Little Italy.

Holy hell! She did it!

Yeah, that's beginners' luck.

That's the last time I'll
underestimate a skirt with a PhD.

I'm gonna win the election.

Men in prison, get
everyone over to Little Italy.

- Pronto!
- That's Italian.

We can carpool, right?
Global warming, it's an issue.

I, of course, can't go.

Me around an armed
bomb? Bad photo op.

But do anything it
takes to stop that bomb.

The voters thank you.

You still alive?

Guess I owe Riddler a 20.

Joker 'fessed up, thanks to you.

- I didn't do anything.
- You told me about his family.

That was nothing. And I wouldn't
have even told you about it

if I knew you were
gonna be so smug about it.

Like it or not, you helped me.

Everyone needs a friend.

And since you want humans
wiped from the face of the earth...

Right. So, you
cut a plant for me?

- I could kill you with this.
- Yeah, you could.

You know, if I dip my shoulder,

I could just squeeze right
into that little space up front.

-No. -No? Yeah, dumb idea. Dumb.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

Yoo-hoo!

Hey, I think that
child lock is on.

Yeah, we're here.

The heart of Little
Italy, you son of a bitch.

There's nothing here,
Jim. There's no bomb.

Damn it.

As long as we're here, you
want to try the fresh mozz,

or some brajoot, as they say?

Hey, so I was thinking,
if you're interested,

maybe I'll turn that thesis
of mine into a full novel.

There it is. [laughs]

You play naive, but
you're better than that.

You never cared about
the bomb, did you?

You just wanted your story.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You're naughty, Dr. Quinzel.

- What happened to Harley?
- Well, Harley, I'm game.

That is, if I can call
this our first date.

[speaks Italian]

- What's with the Italian?
- Oh, that's Luigi.

His food's the reason I
keep coming back to Arkham.

[laughs] I mean, him and Batman.

See, Luigi's got a bit of
a nickname around here.

- [Luigi grunting]
- Little Italy.

- [Joker laughing]
- It feels no good.

The flavor, really, just
explodes in your mouth.

[laughing]

Paint my toenails.

You're not gonna believe this.

The bomb was in a
guy named Little Italy.

- Luigi.
- Wait.

Where are you
going, Dark Knight?

[alarms blaring]

Why don't we dine al fresco?

[alarm blaring]

Where is he?

You lying asshole!

I told everyone exactly
where the bomb was,

but you were the only
one who got the joke.

Oh, my God! You're insane.

Please, I gave you
what you wanted, a story.

The story.

Clown price of crime
kidnaps hotshot psychologist.

Her tell-all sells millions.

Baby, I'm about
to make you a star.

Not if they kill us first.

They're not going to kill me,
because they won't kill you.

Honestly, you're safer here
than back at that looney bin.

- Take the shot.
- Sir, I can't without hitting her.

Who gives a fuck? I can't
win this goddamn election

if Joker escapes on my watch!

- Ivy, you saved me!
- [Poison Ivy] Say what?

I always knew you had a special
place in your heart for the Joker.

[Poison Ivy] Not you, asshole.

Not bad for a first
date, eh, puddin'?

Are, are you okay, or whatever?

Why did you save me?

No one's ever given
me a gift before,

I mean, not to mention a
plant. So, that was nice.

[Harleen gasps]

Kill them all!

Uh... I surrender.

[Harvey sighs]

Ow!

So, Doc, I was thinking
of seeing a new therapist,

if you could recommend, uh...

- I'd love to.
- Cool.

Dr. Quinzel, thank
God you're all right.

Phew!

Crazy night, huh?

But it's a happy ending.

Joker's captured,
I'll win re-election,

and you've earned yourself
a promotion. Congrats.

We good?

Fuck off, Two-Face.

Bullshit. You came
up with Two-Face?

And not a single royalty.

Ugh.

Ive, you said humanity
wasn't worth saving,

but then you saved me, a human.

Even though it meant another
year in Arkham. I mean, thusly...

- Don't say thusly.
- I changed you,

which proves your
core can change.

Harley wins again.

God, you're so smug.

Harley, you didn't change me.

You helped me, sure, you know,

but I didn't always hate people.

It wasn't until Mr. Ferris died.

Mr. Ferris? You
mean Joker's Ferris?

No, I mean
Mr. Ferris, the ficus.

- He was my first plant.
- I don't understand.

Harls, that was my story.
I told it in group therapy.

Joker probably just stole it

and weirdly changed
it into a ferret.

What? I spent so much money on
ferret paraphernalia over the years.

His custom Christmas
stocking was a ferret.

Well, as always, Joker lied,
surprising no one but you.

The first time my father hit me,

that's when I gave up on humans.

Until I met you. [Sighs]

You never told
me, Ive. I'm sorry.

Yeah, it was a long time ago.

So, what are we
gonna do about him?

We call in a tie-breaker.

- Oh, nice unit.
- Uh, can I help you?

Hmm. Sugar, sugar, sugar.

Nope. Oh, why not? I'll splurge.

Oh, boy. This is
way too stylish.

Okay. There. Ah, that's normal.

Where's my new, old lucky sock?

There you are, buddy.

[chuckles] Ho!

[all laughing]

What just happened?

[Poison Ivy] Ugh!

He really loves those kids.

- That is disgusting.
- Ugh! I hated seeing it.

And case closed.

He's got zero memories from
before the tower collapsed.

- You're welcome.
- All right, all right.

I was wrong. The
old Joker is gone.

I guess the acid
really did change him.

Which is why I
just smoke joints.

[laughs] Fuck you.
That was a good one.

Papa needs his nap.

I guess this is goodbye.

[grunting]

[humming]

- Oh, jeez.
- Shoot.

[grunts] Okay, enough.

[Two-Face] Harley
Quinn, Poison Ivy.

Good news, I'm the DA again.

Bad news, you're under arrest.

[cell phone vibrates]

[laughing]

[coughing]

Oh.

[humming]

[theme music playing]