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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,641
- ? Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ?
2
00:00:03,740 --> 00:00:07,678
? I'll admit
I've gotten older ?
3
00:00:07,777 --> 00:00:13,484
? Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ?
4
00:00:13,585 --> 00:00:15,886
? ?
5
00:00:15,985 --> 00:00:20,259
? The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ?
6
00:00:20,357 --> 00:00:24,462
? I present no explanation ?
7
00:00:24,561 --> 00:00:28,067
? Can't expect
our tired patience ?
8
00:00:28,166 --> 00:00:32,436
? To satiate for long ?
9
00:00:32,536 --> 00:00:36,274
? Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ?
10
00:00:36,368 --> 00:00:40,544
? Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ?
11
00:00:40,645 --> 00:00:42,513
? ?
12
00:00:45,582 --> 00:00:47,219
- Hey, Randy?
- Mm-hmm.
13
00:00:47,318 --> 00:00:48,786
- Can I ask you a quick favor?
- Yeah, what's up?
14
00:00:48,885 --> 00:00:50,888
- Do you think you could throw
some kind of shawl
15
00:00:50,988 --> 00:00:52,491
or a tarp over your midsection?
16
00:00:52,589 --> 00:00:54,858
- Wait, w--
- Over your crotch and lap?
17
00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:57,462
- You want me to put
a shawl on my crotch?
18
00:00:57,561 --> 00:00:59,397
- Listen, your jeans have
a lot of rips, like a...
19
00:00:59,496 --> 00:01:01,032
- Thank you.
- Crazy amount of rips.
20
00:01:01,131 --> 00:01:02,567
- Thank you.
- From certain angles...
21
00:01:02,666 --> 00:01:04,835
- Mm-hmm.
- I can see your wiener.
22
00:01:04,935 --> 00:01:06,204
- Oh, yeah, I guess you can.
23
00:01:06,303 --> 00:01:07,705
- If you got a problem
with the rips,
24
00:01:07,804 --> 00:01:10,069
don't take a glance.
- Just cover it up.
25
00:01:10,174 --> 00:01:11,710
- That is your hangup, man.
26
00:01:11,808 --> 00:01:13,677
- I'm telling you to cover up
your penis,
27
00:01:13,777 --> 00:01:15,379
and you're saying
it's my hangup?
28
00:01:15,479 --> 00:01:16,714
- Tom, that's the style.
29
00:01:16,813 --> 00:01:18,016
- So you're not
gonna cover up?
30
00:01:18,115 --> 00:01:19,283
- No.
Are you gonna...
31
00:01:19,382 --> 00:01:20,418
put rips in your pants?
32
00:01:20,517 --> 00:01:21,619
- Just gonna walk around school
33
00:01:21,719 --> 00:01:22,820
with your wiener
flopping around
34
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:23,989
like everything's fine?
35
00:01:24,088 --> 00:01:25,123
- Sounds
like you're jealous, Tom.
36
00:01:25,222 --> 00:01:26,257
- I'm jealous of Randy?
37
00:01:26,357 --> 00:01:27,725
- Randy is a very cool dresser.
38
00:01:27,824 --> 00:01:30,294
- No, I mean,
I'm a cool dresser, too, so...
39
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:31,862
- Oh, no.
- What?
40
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:34,299
- You wear the same blue shirt
every day.
41
00:01:34,397 --> 00:01:35,567
- This shirt?
No, I've never worn
42
00:01:35,666 --> 00:01:37,002
this shirt before.
- Well...
43
00:01:37,101 --> 00:01:38,469
- You guys
don't even know fashion.
44
00:01:38,569 --> 00:01:40,100
Tell 'em, Nelson.
I'm a cool dresser, right?
45
00:01:40,204 --> 00:01:42,341
- Sure, you definitely have...
46
00:01:42,439 --> 00:01:44,176
clothes on your body.
47
00:01:44,274 --> 00:01:45,477
- Sounds like a compliment.
48
00:01:45,576 --> 00:01:47,046
Guys, I'm obviously
well dressed.
49
00:01:47,144 --> 00:01:48,380
This is my party shirt.
- Wait.
50
00:01:48,478 --> 00:01:50,749
That's your party shirt?
51
00:01:50,848 --> 00:01:53,485
- This is my party shirt
when I'm in a good mood.
52
00:01:53,583 --> 00:01:56,388
- Tom, that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
53
00:01:56,487 --> 00:01:59,191
- Hi, kids.
Uh, this is serious,
54
00:01:59,289 --> 00:02:00,859
so sit down.
55
00:02:00,958 --> 00:02:02,227
I've been getting complaints
56
00:02:02,326 --> 00:02:05,297
about inappropriate clothing
at school.
57
00:02:05,396 --> 00:02:07,266
- Wait, what?
- Who complained?
58
00:02:07,364 --> 00:02:09,001
- Complaints?
- Look at this!
59
00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:10,802
Vulgar T-shirts?
60
00:02:10,901 --> 00:02:13,133
Age-inappropriate skirts.
61
00:02:13,237 --> 00:02:15,074
And ripped jeans?
62
00:02:15,173 --> 00:02:16,641
I don't need to see
your junk, Randy.
63
00:02:16,740 --> 00:02:18,944
Hey, by show of hands,
how many people
64
00:02:19,043 --> 00:02:21,346
wanna see Randy's junk?
65
00:02:22,380 --> 00:02:23,548
Not one hand.
66
00:02:23,647 --> 00:02:25,017
- It's called
a silent majority,
67
00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:26,251
and that's
what's happening here.
68
00:02:26,350 --> 00:02:27,286
- And it's gotta end,
69
00:02:27,384 --> 00:02:28,453
so I've no choice
70
00:02:28,552 --> 00:02:30,255
but to implement
school uniforms.
71
00:02:30,354 --> 00:02:32,024
- That's actually a good idea.
- Uniforms?
72
00:02:32,122 --> 00:02:33,425
- Can he do this?
- We can't--
73
00:02:33,523 --> 00:02:34,859
what are we, prisoners?
74
00:02:34,958 --> 00:02:36,561
- Now, I'm sure a lot
of you people notice
75
00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:38,130
that I'm a very sharp dresser,
76
00:02:38,223 --> 00:02:40,765
but I think Mr. B.
is the most stylish,
77
00:02:40,864 --> 00:02:43,268
so I asked him to come up
with the design.
78
00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:45,537
- Hello, kids.
As you may know,
79
00:02:45,636 --> 00:02:48,307
we live in a suburban wasteland
80
00:02:48,406 --> 00:02:50,943
with no sense of style
or class.
81
00:02:51,042 --> 00:02:53,345
- Okay, Mr. B.,
let's keep it positive.
82
00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:58,017
- My challenge was to create
a look that is bland
83
00:02:58,115 --> 00:02:59,784
and unflattering,
84
00:02:59,884 --> 00:03:03,088
so I looked around
for inspiration,
85
00:03:03,187 --> 00:03:05,390
and look what I came up with.
86
00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:07,359
- No. No!
- Oh, what?
87
00:03:07,457 --> 00:03:08,427
- Oh, no.
- Help!
88
00:03:08,525 --> 00:03:09,494
- It's like a sick joke.
89
00:03:09,594 --> 00:03:10,495
- What's happening?
90
00:03:10,595 --> 00:03:11,496
- What's happening?
91
00:03:11,596 --> 00:03:13,565
It's a look that screams,
92
00:03:13,665 --> 00:03:16,168
"I've given up on life,
93
00:03:16,267 --> 00:03:19,338
and life has given up on me."
94
00:03:19,436 --> 00:03:20,772
- No.
Mr. B., can I weigh in?
95
00:03:20,871 --> 00:03:22,707
Do you want my two cents?
- Not really, no.
96
00:03:22,806 --> 00:03:24,843
- With all due respect,
that's copyright infringement.
97
00:03:24,942 --> 00:03:25,877
I'll sue you.
98
00:03:25,976 --> 00:03:26,878
- Um, Tom,
99
00:03:26,978 --> 00:03:28,247
you're not suing anyone.
100
00:03:28,345 --> 00:03:29,281
- You can't do this.
101
00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:30,482
- No one can own
102
00:03:30,581 --> 00:03:32,684
the combo of a blue shirt
103
00:03:32,784 --> 00:03:34,019
with tan slacks.
104
00:03:34,118 --> 00:03:35,087
- Oh, no, I'm known for it.
105
00:03:35,186 --> 00:03:36,255
- Numbskulls
106
00:03:36,354 --> 00:03:38,590
all across the planet wear it.
107
00:03:38,688 --> 00:03:40,492
- He's clearly drunk.
He's clearly been drinking.
108
00:03:40,590 --> 00:03:42,361
- Tom, I'm afraid
this is happening,
109
00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:43,862
so, kids, pick up
your uniforms.
110
00:03:43,961 --> 00:03:45,664
From now on, you wear them
every day.
111
00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:47,199
That's it.
112
00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:49,068
- You gotta admit,
the fabric is exquisite.
113
00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:51,503
- Tom, how do you go
through life like this?
114
00:03:51,603 --> 00:03:52,671
It's so depressing.
115
00:03:52,770 --> 00:03:54,173
- You don't like
the way you look?
116
00:03:54,271 --> 00:03:55,440
- I would rather my parents
117
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:56,841
tell me
they're getting divorced
118
00:03:56,941 --> 00:03:58,110
every day
119
00:03:58,208 --> 00:03:59,544
than wear this shirt.
120
00:03:59,643 --> 00:04:01,046
- Stop.
That's insulting.
121
00:04:01,145 --> 00:04:02,915
- This backpack is giving me
122
00:04:03,008 --> 00:04:05,717
a serious case of wall ass.
123
00:04:05,816 --> 00:04:07,987
- You don't like it?
- Pushes down on my butt.
124
00:04:08,084 --> 00:04:10,655
Looks like I have nothing.
- I don't like this at all.
125
00:04:10,755 --> 00:04:12,457
We about to shut this down.
126
00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:14,659
- There's gonna be
a school walkout at noon.
127
00:04:14,758 --> 00:04:16,161
- You're gonna walk
out of school?
128
00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:17,662
- The entire school's
walking out.
129
00:04:17,761 --> 00:04:19,098
- You're gonna walk out
'cause you look like Tom.
130
00:04:19,197 --> 00:04:20,832
- It's a crime
against humanity.
131
00:04:20,931 --> 00:04:22,567
Tom, there's no other way
to put it.
132
00:04:22,667 --> 00:04:23,936
- You're overreacting.
133
00:04:24,034 --> 00:04:25,537
- No one wants to look
like you, dude.
134
00:04:25,636 --> 00:04:27,940
You look like a bland piece
of poo-poo, bro.
135
00:04:28,039 --> 00:04:29,942
- I look like a bland piece
of poo-poo?
136
00:04:30,041 --> 00:04:31,410
- You look like poo-poo
137
00:04:31,508 --> 00:04:33,378
that's bland as shit.
138
00:04:33,477 --> 00:04:35,214
- Mom, can I ask you
a question?
139
00:04:35,312 --> 00:04:36,648
- Yeah, shoot.
140
00:04:36,747 --> 00:04:38,350
- Do I look like a bland piece
of poo-poo?
141
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:39,618
- No.
- No?
142
00:04:39,716 --> 00:04:40,719
- No, why--
- Oh, really?
143
00:04:40,819 --> 00:04:42,521
- Why are you asking me that?
144
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:43,888
- I'm just getting some
harsh critiques on my look.
145
00:04:43,988 --> 00:04:45,590
These uniforms are not
going over well.
146
00:04:45,689 --> 00:04:47,892
- Tom, you should be flattered.
147
00:04:47,991 --> 00:04:49,661
- Flattered?
- They want everyone at school
148
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,663
to look like you
because you're so handsome.
149
00:04:51,762 --> 00:04:53,966
- No, this is punishment.
Mr. B. pointed that out.
150
00:04:54,065 --> 00:04:55,400
- No, my boy's handsome.
151
00:04:55,499 --> 00:04:57,502
- Tom, you know
what your problem is?
152
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:58,737
- No, you don't need
to weigh in, Grandma.
153
00:04:58,836 --> 00:05:00,539
- You don't tuck in your shirt.
154
00:05:00,638 --> 00:05:02,241
- Eh, that's not my thing.
155
00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:03,642
- Well, you better tuck it in,
156
00:05:03,741 --> 00:05:05,277
because I wanna see
what it looks like.
157
00:05:05,376 --> 00:05:07,012
- Let it go.
- I'm not gonna leave
158
00:05:07,111 --> 00:05:08,147
until you do it.
159
00:05:08,246 --> 00:05:09,614
- Relax.
Take a nap.
160
00:05:09,713 --> 00:05:11,016
- Take a nap?
- I don't wanna.
161
00:05:11,115 --> 00:05:12,284
- Take a slap.
162
00:05:12,382 --> 00:05:13,518
- Why are you standing up?
- Because
163
00:05:13,618 --> 00:05:14,886
I'm gonna do it for you.
164
00:05:14,986 --> 00:05:16,088
- Oh, no, please.
165
00:05:16,186 --> 00:05:17,156
- Hold still.
- Oh, no.
166
00:05:17,254 --> 00:05:18,623
- Gonna tuck you in.
167
00:05:18,722 --> 00:05:21,260
- Nobody's gonna stop this.
- Oh, hold still.
168
00:05:21,358 --> 00:05:22,261
- Oh, no, please, Grandma.
169
00:05:22,361 --> 00:05:23,395
- [gasps]
170
00:05:23,494 --> 00:05:24,964
- Oh, wow.
- Good?
171
00:05:25,062 --> 00:05:27,266
- I mean, that actually made
a big difference.
172
00:05:27,364 --> 00:05:28,400
- Really?
- You don't believe me?
173
00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:29,902
We're gonna call
your Uncle Bill.
174
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,403
- Come on, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.
175
00:05:31,502 --> 00:05:33,205
- Hey-hey-hey-hey!
- Hi, Bill.
176
00:05:33,298 --> 00:05:34,473
Listen, Tom tucked in
his shirt.
177
00:05:34,572 --> 00:05:35,941
Tell us what you think.
178
00:05:36,039 --> 00:05:38,443
- My God.
Tommy, you look fantastic.
179
00:05:38,542 --> 00:05:40,079
- Really?
- You look like a model.
180
00:05:40,172 --> 00:05:41,546
- Because I tucked my shirt in?
181
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:42,747
- It's night and day, Tommy.
182
00:05:42,847 --> 00:05:44,016
Night and day.
- Come on.
183
00:05:44,115 --> 00:05:45,217
- I agree with him.
184
00:05:45,316 --> 00:05:46,418
Something magical happened
185
00:05:46,517 --> 00:05:47,987
when you tucked that shirt in.
186
00:05:48,084 --> 00:05:50,089
- I look that good.
- Look, you're a kid who comes
187
00:05:50,188 --> 00:05:55,355
from a long line of disgusting,
very gross slobs.
188
00:05:55,459 --> 00:05:56,595
- Yeah.
- If you have a chance
189
00:05:56,695 --> 00:05:57,997
to become a model,
190
00:05:58,095 --> 00:05:59,564
you have to go for it!
191
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:00,933
- That was very inspiring,
actually.
192
00:06:01,032 --> 00:06:03,268
All right, let's try it.
193
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:04,403
- Hey, hey.
194
00:06:04,501 --> 00:06:06,005
All right, welcome to Triple M,
195
00:06:06,103 --> 00:06:07,306
Male Model Management.
196
00:06:07,405 --> 00:06:09,274
I'm Dino.
What can I do for you guys?
197
00:06:09,373 --> 00:06:10,575
- Thanks for seeing us.
198
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:13,412
My son is
abnormally good-looking,
199
00:06:13,511 --> 00:06:15,480
and he's considering
doing some modeling.
200
00:06:15,574 --> 00:06:17,516
- Love to meet him.
You bring him in sometime.
201
00:06:17,614 --> 00:06:19,551
Be great.
- Oh, no, it's--it's me.
202
00:06:19,649 --> 00:06:21,520
I'm the--I'm the male model.
203
00:06:21,618 --> 00:06:23,522
- You're the good l--
you're good-looking?
204
00:06:23,621 --> 00:06:24,856
- That's the word
on the street.
205
00:06:24,956 --> 00:06:26,758
My grandma seems to think--
- Listen.
206
00:06:26,857 --> 00:06:28,360
I'ma give you
my professional opinion,
207
00:06:28,459 --> 00:06:29,661
okay, and it's free.
208
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:30,695
This is a free opinion,
all right?
209
00:06:30,795 --> 00:06:32,864
- Great.
- Hair: terrible.
210
00:06:32,963 --> 00:06:35,000
- That's fair.
- Nose: hideous.
211
00:06:35,099 --> 00:06:37,602
- I can see that.
- Torso: misshapen.
212
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:39,004
- Not positive feedback, is it?
213
00:06:39,103 --> 00:06:41,106
- Listen, the world
of modeling, son,
214
00:06:41,205 --> 00:06:42,541
it is a cutthroat business
215
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,109
of beautiful people.
216
00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:45,877
It's not for you.
217
00:06:45,976 --> 00:06:47,546
- Yeah, the more we talk
it through, this does seem--
218
00:06:47,644 --> 00:06:48,813
- You agree.
- It seems hasty
219
00:06:48,913 --> 00:06:50,482
that we came into the city.
220
00:06:50,575 --> 00:06:52,117
- Fantastic.
I mean, I feel good about this.
221
00:06:52,216 --> 00:06:53,785
- This is good
constructive criticism.
222
00:06:53,883 --> 00:06:56,488
I'll go work on my nose
and mouth and hair.
223
00:06:56,587 --> 00:06:58,590
- Take care.
Thanks for coming in.
224
00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:00,559
Actually, stop right there.
225
00:07:00,658 --> 00:07:03,095
- Who, me?
- Your rear end is exquisite.
226
00:07:03,193 --> 00:07:04,997
- Really?
- It is perfectly proportioned.
227
00:07:05,096 --> 00:07:07,366
Can I just have one--
can I get closer?
228
00:07:07,465 --> 00:07:08,733
- No, that seems
a little weird.
229
00:07:08,832 --> 00:07:09,969
- No, that's okay, Tom.
Get in there.
230
00:07:10,062 --> 00:07:11,170
- Okay, the cheeks--
231
00:07:11,268 --> 00:07:12,371
they're perfectly balanced.
232
00:07:12,469 --> 00:07:14,239
- Really.
- The pants seem to hang
233
00:07:14,338 --> 00:07:15,674
at such a perfect angle.
234
00:07:15,774 --> 00:07:16,775
- That's what my grandma said.
235
00:07:16,875 --> 00:07:18,110
- Okay, listen, I think
236
00:07:18,209 --> 00:07:20,079
I can probably get you
catalog work.
237
00:07:20,177 --> 00:07:22,114
- Wow, this is great!
238
00:07:22,213 --> 00:07:23,515
- Kids' clothes: chinos...
239
00:07:23,614 --> 00:07:25,384
- Really?
- Khakis, chaps.
240
00:07:25,482 --> 00:07:26,952
Have you ever worn
a pair of chaps?
241
00:07:27,051 --> 00:07:28,420
- That's amazing.
You're saying I could be
242
00:07:28,518 --> 00:07:29,888
a model?
- A butt model.
243
00:07:29,986 --> 00:07:31,790
- But I'd be a model.
- Again, a butt model.
244
00:07:31,889 --> 00:07:33,525
Your face would never
actually appear.
245
00:07:33,624 --> 00:07:35,760
- It's fine.
- Okay, so what's happening?
246
00:07:35,859 --> 00:07:38,063
You wanna sign Tom?
- Absolutely.
247
00:07:38,162 --> 00:07:39,798
- This is amazing.
- And listen, I'm gonna have
248
00:07:39,896 --> 00:07:41,633
a launch party this Friday
at my loft.
249
00:07:41,732 --> 00:07:43,335
- Yeah.
- I'd love you to swing by
250
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:45,270
and show off the goods.
251
00:07:45,369 --> 00:07:46,906
[light glitzy music]
252
00:07:47,004 --> 00:07:48,373
- Excuse me.
- Yeah?
253
00:07:48,472 --> 00:07:49,774
- Didn't I see your rear end
254
00:07:49,874 --> 00:07:51,576
in the new L.L. Bean catalog?
255
00:07:51,676 --> 00:07:52,844
- Yeah, wearing the chinos?
256
00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:55,680
- I mean, that tuchus
is just...
257
00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:57,316
- I get that a lot.
258
00:07:57,415 --> 00:07:58,750
- Those are on me, little man.
259
00:07:58,848 --> 00:08:00,480
- Wait, why?
- Nah, you famous, dude.
260
00:08:00,584 --> 00:08:01,786
- Really?
- I saw your tush
261
00:08:01,886 --> 00:08:03,788
in the new H&M catalog. Sweet.
262
00:08:03,888 --> 00:08:05,991
- A little creepy,
but thank you.
263
00:08:06,090 --> 00:08:08,260
? ?
264
00:08:08,359 --> 00:08:09,728
- Hey, guys, check it out.
265
00:08:09,826 --> 00:08:11,463
- What?
- That's me on the billboard.
266
00:08:11,561 --> 00:08:12,731
- Wait a minute.
- What?
267
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:13,764
- That's my rear end
268
00:08:13,865 --> 00:08:15,000
in the corduroys up there.
269
00:08:15,099 --> 00:08:16,301
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down.
270
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,702
- Wait, I'm confused.
271
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,171
- I got signed
with a modeling agency.
272
00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:21,773
- Tom, you're telling us
you're a model?
273
00:08:21,872 --> 00:08:23,608
- I am a working model, yes.
274
00:08:23,707 --> 00:08:25,210
- Oh, they're paying you
to model?
275
00:08:25,309 --> 00:08:27,046
- I told you. I told you
I'm a well-dressed guy,
276
00:08:27,144 --> 00:08:29,648
and people like the way
clothes look on my body.
277
00:08:29,746 --> 00:08:31,984
- [laughs] Have we entered
a parallel universe?
278
00:08:32,082 --> 00:08:34,786
- No, I'm afraid not.
Listen, I gotta--I gotta run.
279
00:08:34,885 --> 00:08:37,722
Um, I'm having a party
at my agent's loft.
280
00:08:37,822 --> 00:08:39,358
- What?
You have an agent,
281
00:08:39,451 --> 00:08:40,759
and they have a loft?
- Yeah.
282
00:08:40,857 --> 00:08:42,394
- Why wasn't I included
in this deal?
283
00:08:42,493 --> 00:08:43,929
- That's the mod--
these are my modeling friends.
284
00:08:44,028 --> 00:08:45,230
It's a whole other world.
- Tom--
285
00:08:45,329 --> 00:08:46,565
- Why don't you swing by?
286
00:08:46,663 --> 00:08:48,901
- Swing by?
- Yeah, I guess we'll--
287
00:08:48,999 --> 00:08:51,836
we can "swing by"
your agent's loft.
288
00:08:51,936 --> 00:08:53,532
- Tom, who are you?
289
00:08:53,632 --> 00:08:55,773
- A good-looking dude
getting off a bus.
290
00:08:57,073 --> 00:09:00,012
- Hey, everybody, can you
kind of gather round here?
291
00:09:00,109 --> 00:09:04,583
Let's welcome the number-one
male youth rear end model
292
00:09:04,682 --> 00:09:07,119
in the Northeast region, Tom.
293
00:09:07,217 --> 00:09:09,221
- Listen, guys,
I just wanna thank everyone.
294
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:10,455
Seems like just yesterday,
295
00:09:10,554 --> 00:09:11,991
I wasn't even tucking in
my shirts.
296
00:09:12,088 --> 00:09:14,259
Now I'm the number-one
male youth rear end model.
297
00:09:14,358 --> 00:09:17,029
- That's my son right there.
- I wanna thank my agent, Dino,
298
00:09:17,127 --> 00:09:19,331
who looked at my tush
and said, "I like what I see."
299
00:09:19,429 --> 00:09:21,833
- Well, no, I didn't--
that's not exactly how it...
300
00:09:21,932 --> 00:09:23,068
- Anyway...
- Went down, every--
301
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:25,070
- Love you guys.
Thank you so much.
302
00:09:25,169 --> 00:09:27,505
- [laughs]
Let's hear it for him.
303
00:09:28,172 --> 00:09:30,842
- [sighs] Things are happening
so fast, Tom.
304
00:09:30,941 --> 00:09:32,644
This is exciting!
- I know.
305
00:09:32,742 --> 00:09:34,612
If my rear end keeps looking
this good,
306
00:09:34,712 --> 00:09:36,781
the sky's the limit.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
307
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,817
Sorry, guys.
We've got a dress code.
308
00:09:38,915 --> 00:09:40,685
- Oh, we came
straight from school.
309
00:09:40,784 --> 00:09:42,421
We're on the list.
- Yeah, it doesn't matter.
310
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,822
The invite said smart casual.
311
00:09:43,922 --> 00:09:45,790
You guys look
like fucking idiots.
312
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,960
- But we're dressed
like the host of the party.
313
00:09:48,057 --> 00:09:50,195
- That's dumb casual.
You look like a moron.
314
00:09:50,294 --> 00:09:52,331
- What?
- Oh, hey, there he is.
315
00:09:52,429 --> 00:09:53,565
Hey, Tom, get over here!
316
00:09:53,663 --> 00:09:55,134
- Oh, hey, guys.
Glad you made it.
317
00:09:55,233 --> 00:09:57,769
- Tell these guys
that we're smart casual.
318
00:09:57,868 --> 00:09:59,237
- Oh, you know,
that's gonna be a--
319
00:09:59,331 --> 00:10:00,505
that's gonna be a problem.
320
00:10:00,604 --> 00:10:01,505
I don't think
we can let you in.
321
00:10:01,606 --> 00:10:02,774
- What?
- What?
322
00:10:02,873 --> 00:10:04,209
- Can't let you in
wearing this.
323
00:10:04,308 --> 00:10:05,410
What is this?
324
00:10:05,509 --> 00:10:07,012
- This is literally your shirt.
325
00:10:07,111 --> 00:10:08,679
- You wore backpacks
to a loft party?
326
00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:09,714
Who does that?
327
00:10:09,814 --> 00:10:10,749
- Tom, you invited us
328
00:10:10,848 --> 00:10:12,217
when we were wearing this.
329
00:10:12,316 --> 00:10:14,553
- I'm sorry, I--
- This is very disruptive, Tom.
330
00:10:14,651 --> 00:10:16,487
I think you need
to make a decision here:
331
00:10:16,587 --> 00:10:18,357
your new modeling friends
332
00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:19,959
or your poorly dressed friends.
333
00:10:20,057 --> 00:10:22,461
- This is a tough decision.
334
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,229
- It is?
- You know what?
335
00:10:24,328 --> 00:10:26,531
Don't even answer the question.
We're done with you, Tom.
336
00:10:26,630 --> 00:10:27,866
- Wait, what?
No, no, come on.
337
00:10:27,966 --> 00:10:29,668
- You've changed.
- Don't be mad at me
338
00:10:29,766 --> 00:10:31,103
'cause I'm
a really good-looking guy
339
00:10:31,202 --> 00:10:34,273
and clothes look exquisite
on my physique.
340
00:10:34,371 --> 00:10:35,374
- Wow, you have changed.
341
00:10:35,472 --> 00:10:36,636
The minute you started using
342
00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:37,910
the word "physique,"
I'm out of here.
343
00:10:38,009 --> 00:10:39,411
- Have a nice life.
344
00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:43,248
- You just have
a different vibe than they do.
345
00:10:44,415 --> 00:10:46,751
- Hey, Ma, no one
wants to play with me,
346
00:10:46,844 --> 00:10:48,287
so I'm just gonna walk
around the neighborhood
347
00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:49,454
and look at my billboards.
348
00:10:49,553 --> 00:10:51,356
- Okay, Tom.
You have fun.
349
00:10:51,455 --> 00:10:53,125
[ice cream jingle playing]
350
00:10:53,224 --> 00:10:55,160
- Hey, little man.
- Oh, hey, ice cream man.
351
00:10:55,259 --> 00:10:56,761
- You look depressed.
- Yeah, you're right.
352
00:10:56,861 --> 00:10:57,796
I'm starting to feel
like I made
353
00:10:57,895 --> 00:10:58,931
a terrible mistake.
354
00:10:59,030 --> 00:11:00,332
Everyone's calling me a douche.
355
00:11:00,431 --> 00:11:01,934
- Tell me your troubles.
- You wanna hear it?
356
00:11:02,032 --> 00:11:03,335
- No, but I'll listen.
357
00:11:03,434 --> 00:11:04,703
- All right.
Um...
358
00:11:04,802 --> 00:11:05,938
they introduced
school uniforms...
359
00:11:06,037 --> 00:11:07,339
- Ugh.
- They made me question
360
00:11:07,438 --> 00:11:08,707
my appearance...
- Tom.
361
00:11:08,805 --> 00:11:09,841
- I got into male modeling...
- Pssh.
362
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:11,110
- One thing led to another,
363
00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:12,611
and now I don't have
any friends.
364
00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:14,079
- Tom, clothes
do not make the man.
365
00:11:14,178 --> 00:11:15,580
- No, I'm told
they're pretty important,
366
00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:16,748
that everyone cares
how you look.
367
00:11:16,848 --> 00:11:17,950
- Look at me.
- Yeah?
368
00:11:18,049 --> 00:11:19,351
I wear a Hawaiian shirt,
369
00:11:19,450 --> 00:11:20,652
filthy cargo shorts,
370
00:11:20,751 --> 00:11:21,886
and an ice cream man's cap.
371
00:11:21,986 --> 00:11:22,887
- It is a silly look.
372
00:11:22,987 --> 00:11:24,089
- I am perfectly happy.
373
00:11:24,187 --> 00:11:25,490
- Even though you look
terrible.
374
00:11:25,590 --> 00:11:26,491
- That's the lesson.
375
00:11:26,591 --> 00:11:27,759
You need to renounce
376
00:11:27,857 --> 00:11:29,494
this world of vanity
and fashion.
377
00:11:29,593 --> 00:11:30,795
- What can I do?
I mean...
378
00:11:30,895 --> 00:11:32,130
- You need to take off
this uniform
379
00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:33,197
and go streaking.
380
00:11:33,297 --> 00:11:34,599
- Streaking?
What's that?
381
00:11:34,699 --> 00:11:35,767
- It's running around
382
00:11:35,867 --> 00:11:36,969
with your shvanz
flopping around.
383
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,697
- This is your advice.
- Uh-huh.
384
00:11:38,802 --> 00:11:40,505
- That's what activism
is all about.
385
00:11:40,598 --> 00:11:41,606
- Oh.
- It's getting in trouble
386
00:11:41,706 --> 00:11:42,908
to make your point.
387
00:11:43,007 --> 00:11:44,676
- That's actually brilliant.
- Mm-hmm.
388
00:11:44,775 --> 00:11:46,345
- Now I see
why you're so successful.
389
00:11:46,443 --> 00:11:47,913
- Yeah, well, if anyone
questions you,
390
00:11:48,012 --> 00:11:49,248
you just say,
391
00:11:49,346 --> 00:11:51,782
"My ice cream man
advised me to do it."
392
00:11:51,882 --> 00:11:53,185
- Can't imagine that carries
393
00:11:53,284 --> 00:11:56,121
as much weight
as you think it does.
394
00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:58,157
- That's it, y'all!
Kick the ball.
395
00:11:58,255 --> 00:12:00,292
Nice!
Nice. Left flank.
396
00:12:00,391 --> 00:12:01,426
Left flank!
397
00:12:01,525 --> 00:12:03,328
Protect the goal!
Yes.
398
00:12:03,427 --> 00:12:07,099
- Oh, my God, is Tom
running onto the field naked?
399
00:12:07,197 --> 00:12:09,368
- Hey, everyone, look at me.
- Oh, God.
400
00:12:09,466 --> 00:12:10,635
- Oh!
- Stop.
401
00:12:10,735 --> 00:12:12,271
- Hey, hey, hey.
402
00:12:12,369 --> 00:12:13,772
- Stop this, please!
- Why?
403
00:12:13,871 --> 00:12:15,240
- Tom, what are you doing?
404
00:12:15,339 --> 00:12:17,509
- Check it out.
- Kids, turn away.
405
00:12:17,608 --> 00:12:18,843
- Make it stop!
406
00:12:18,943 --> 00:12:20,112
- I'm on it.
- Nelson, get away.
407
00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:21,741
- Come here.
- Stop.
408
00:12:21,845 --> 00:12:23,081
- Kids, what don't you
understand?
409
00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:24,883
Don't look at his penis
or his rear end.
410
00:12:24,982 --> 00:12:26,551
- Agh!
- Get off!
411
00:12:26,651 --> 00:12:27,652
- Relax.
It's me.
412
00:12:27,752 --> 00:12:28,887
It's Nelson.
Down, boy.
413
00:12:28,986 --> 00:12:30,222
- Get him off.
Get him off.
414
00:12:30,321 --> 00:12:32,090
- Oh, whose wiener
are we seeing now?
415
00:12:32,190 --> 00:12:34,026
- I know, it's an ironic turn
of events.
416
00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:36,261
- Tom, what the hell
was all that?
417
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,530
- I'm sorry.
I just wanted to, uh,
418
00:12:38,628 --> 00:12:40,232
protest the school uniforms.
419
00:12:40,331 --> 00:12:42,067
I believe they place
too much importance
420
00:12:42,166 --> 00:12:43,568
on appearance,
and I believe--
421
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:45,837
- What school uniforms?
We scrapped that idea.
422
00:12:45,937 --> 00:12:47,172
- Excuse me?
423
00:12:47,271 --> 00:12:48,673
- Yeah, I was getting
death threats
424
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:50,675
since no one wanted
to look like you.
425
00:12:50,775 --> 00:12:52,711
- Oh.
So this was--
426
00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:54,079
this whole thing
was unnecessary?
427
00:12:54,178 --> 00:12:56,281
- Yes, Tom,
completely unnecessary.
428
00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:57,983
Yeah, and you're
in a lot of trouble.
429
00:12:58,082 --> 00:12:59,218
- Me?
Oh, no, no.
430
00:12:59,316 --> 00:13:00,719
My ice cream man
put me up to this.
431
00:13:00,818 --> 00:13:01,987
It was all--
it was the ice cream man.
432
00:13:02,086 --> 00:13:03,054
- Well, I don't know what to do
433
00:13:03,153 --> 00:13:04,523
with that information, Tom.
434
00:13:04,621 --> 00:13:06,058
- Well, I guess we all learned
a lesson here.
435
00:13:06,156 --> 00:13:07,692
- What was that, Tom?
436
00:13:07,792 --> 00:13:09,194
- Never tuck in your shirt.
437
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:10,295
Never ends well.
438
00:13:10,394 --> 00:13:12,731
- That's what you got
out of this?
439
00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:15,734
[upbeat dance music]
440
00:13:15,833 --> 00:13:18,403
? ?
441
00:13:19,938 --> 00:13:21,505
- All right, Tom,
I'm taking off.
442
00:13:21,605 --> 00:13:22,773
Have fun with Grandma, okay?
443
00:13:22,873 --> 00:13:24,109
- All right, have fun
444
00:13:24,208 --> 00:13:25,744
with whatever weird stuff
you're doing.
445
00:13:25,842 --> 00:13:27,112
- Thanks, but I'm gonna need
you to remember the rules.
446
00:13:27,211 --> 00:13:28,746
- Oh, no, is this
about last time?
447
00:13:28,845 --> 00:13:30,682
- No leaving the house.
- Come on, Grandma was drunk.
448
00:13:30,781 --> 00:13:31,883
It won't happen again.
449
00:13:31,982 --> 00:13:33,252
- No blankets.
- No blankets?
450
00:13:33,351 --> 00:13:34,719
- No pillowcases.
- Wait, what?
451
00:13:34,819 --> 00:13:36,155
- No touching the lamps.
452
00:13:36,253 --> 00:13:37,489
- Even if it's dark,
we can't touch the lamps.
453
00:13:37,588 --> 00:13:39,157
- These are the rules.
- All right.
454
00:13:39,256 --> 00:13:41,060
Safe to assume Grandma
can't smoke in the house?
455
00:13:41,158 --> 00:13:43,095
- That's a given.
If she smokes in the house,
456
00:13:43,194 --> 00:13:44,396
I want you to kill her.
457
00:13:44,495 --> 00:13:46,197
- Got it.
- This is a huge help, Mom.
458
00:13:46,297 --> 00:13:47,666
Thank you.
I love you guys.
459
00:13:47,765 --> 00:13:49,268
- You too, sweetheart.
460
00:13:49,366 --> 00:13:51,503
[door squeaks close]
Okay, Tom.
461
00:13:51,602 --> 00:13:54,806
Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Wait, what?
462
00:13:54,905 --> 00:13:57,076
- It's bingo night
at the church.
463
00:13:57,174 --> 00:13:58,310
- Oh, Grandma,
I'm not allowed to curse.
464
00:13:58,409 --> 00:13:59,778
That's clearly in the rulebook.
465
00:13:59,877 --> 00:14:02,114
- Tom, I'm making
all the rules now.
466
00:14:02,212 --> 00:14:04,416
Grandma outranks Mom.
467
00:14:04,515 --> 00:14:06,418
- Does it?
I don't wanna get in trouble.
468
00:14:06,517 --> 00:14:08,153
- You're not gonna get
in trouble.
469
00:14:08,252 --> 00:14:09,849
- Really?
- We could kill somebody
470
00:14:09,954 --> 00:14:11,290
out there on Fifth Avenue,
471
00:14:11,388 --> 00:14:12,791
and no one would believe
it was us.
472
00:14:12,889 --> 00:14:14,593
- Why would we kill a guy
on Fifth Avenue?
473
00:14:14,691 --> 00:14:17,362
- What is with you?
Why don't you wanna join me
474
00:14:17,461 --> 00:14:19,398
in an evening of fun
and adventure?
475
00:14:19,496 --> 00:14:20,900
- When you put it that way,
it actually sounds
476
00:14:20,998 --> 00:14:22,701
pretty tempting.
- We need to have
477
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,036
some fun in our lives, Tom,
478
00:14:24,135 --> 00:14:28,307
so let's buck up
and get ready to bronk.
479
00:14:28,405 --> 00:14:30,575
- Welcome, folks.
It's bingo night.
480
00:14:30,675 --> 00:14:31,810
Take your seats.
481
00:14:31,909 --> 00:14:33,045
Our altar boy, Randy,
482
00:14:33,144 --> 00:14:34,446
will be spinning
the wheel tonight.
483
00:14:34,539 --> 00:14:35,714
- I wanna say up top,
484
00:14:35,813 --> 00:14:36,876
if you lose,
485
00:14:36,981 --> 00:14:39,618
please don't pray that I die.
486
00:14:39,716 --> 00:14:41,987
- Why's he looking at me?
- Message received.
487
00:14:42,086 --> 00:14:43,188
All right, let's have fun.
488
00:14:43,287 --> 00:14:45,389
- Okay, let's get started.
489
00:14:45,490 --> 00:14:46,926
N31.
490
00:14:47,018 --> 00:14:49,128
- Grandma, you literally bought
100 cards.
491
00:14:49,227 --> 00:14:50,929
- It increases my odds
of winning.
492
00:14:51,028 --> 00:14:52,197
- Oh.
- When we win,
493
00:14:52,296 --> 00:14:55,067
I need you to bark out "Bingo."
494
00:14:55,166 --> 00:14:56,801
- I bark? What do you mean?
What does that mean?
495
00:14:56,901 --> 00:14:58,170
- Like an animal.
- Oh.
496
00:14:58,269 --> 00:15:00,901
- It's survival
of the fittest here.
497
00:15:01,004 --> 00:15:02,874
- G62.
498
00:15:02,973 --> 00:15:05,077
- G62?
Wait a second.
499
00:15:05,176 --> 00:15:06,979
I think we might have it.
Is that bingo?
500
00:15:07,078 --> 00:15:09,414
- Tom, bark it.
- We got bingo here.
501
00:15:09,513 --> 00:15:11,350
- B4.
- I don't think he heard me.
502
00:15:11,448 --> 00:15:13,385
- That is not a bark.
- Bingo.
503
00:15:13,484 --> 00:15:15,020
- Bark!
- I'm barking it.
504
00:15:15,119 --> 00:15:17,289
Bingo!
Asshole, we got bingo.
505
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:18,657
[all gasp]
506
00:15:18,756 --> 00:15:20,225
Sorry, I was told to bark.
507
00:15:20,324 --> 00:15:23,228
I was told to bark
like a wild animal.
508
00:15:23,327 --> 00:15:25,563
- Tom, we've got a problem.
- Problem?
509
00:15:25,662 --> 00:15:27,599
Am I in trouble?
- I mean, a little bit, yeah.
510
00:15:27,697 --> 00:15:28,901
- Oh, really?
I was told we could kill
511
00:15:28,999 --> 00:15:30,235
a guy and get away with it.
512
00:15:30,334 --> 00:15:31,870
- Yeah, I'm not sure
what that means.
513
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,934
But your grandmother
is ruining bingo.
514
00:15:34,038 --> 00:15:35,107
- Ruining it?
No, she's doing great.
515
00:15:35,205 --> 00:15:36,375
- Yeah, that's the problem.
516
00:15:36,473 --> 00:15:37,842
Listen, just do me
a favor, okay?
517
00:15:37,942 --> 00:15:39,912
Next time she wins,
don't say bingo.
518
00:15:40,011 --> 00:15:41,746
- Don't say it?
Oh, no, I have to.
519
00:15:41,846 --> 00:15:42,880
That's my job.
- No, no.
520
00:15:42,981 --> 00:15:43,944
Pretend she lost
521
00:15:44,048 --> 00:15:45,150
for the sake of the others.
522
00:15:45,249 --> 00:15:46,986
- Oh, no,
this is getting weird.
523
00:15:47,085 --> 00:15:49,054
- Guess what.
Priest outranks grandma.
524
00:15:49,153 --> 00:15:50,155
So just do what I say.
525
00:15:50,254 --> 00:15:51,490
- Priest outranks grandma?
526
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:52,391
- Yes.
- Oh, no.
527
00:15:52,489 --> 00:15:53,592
She said, "I'm the top dog.
528
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:55,260
You do what I say."
529
00:15:55,359 --> 00:15:57,262
- Your grandmother referred
to herself as the top dog?
530
00:15:57,361 --> 00:15:58,797
- She did.
She says it all the time.
531
00:15:58,896 --> 00:15:59,898
- Wow.
Well,
532
00:15:59,998 --> 00:16:01,300
the top dog is ruining bingo.
533
00:16:01,398 --> 00:16:03,602
How about that?
[door closes]
534
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:05,804
- O62.
535
00:16:05,902 --> 00:16:08,607
Remember, this is fun.
We're being civilized.
536
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:09,970
O62.
537
00:16:10,074 --> 00:16:11,410
- What's going on here?
538
00:16:11,509 --> 00:16:13,974
We haven't won in nine games.
539
00:16:14,078 --> 00:16:16,014
- And this is just a game.
540
00:16:16,113 --> 00:16:18,683
B9.
This is just a game.
541
00:16:18,783 --> 00:16:19,884
B9.
542
00:16:19,984 --> 00:16:21,520
- This is ridiculous.
- I know.
543
00:16:21,618 --> 00:16:22,887
I guess it's just
a losing streak.
544
00:16:22,987 --> 00:16:24,489
Uh, one of those things,
you know?
545
00:16:24,588 --> 00:16:25,986
- The numbers
just aren't going our way.
546
00:16:26,090 --> 00:16:27,326
- You're not kidding.
547
00:16:27,424 --> 00:16:29,594
- N22.
- Oh, would you look at that?
548
00:16:29,694 --> 00:16:30,929
I won.
Bingo.
549
00:16:31,029 --> 00:16:33,298
- Hector's grandma?
- Me, yes. Bingo.
550
00:16:33,397 --> 00:16:35,867
- Please.
That bitch can't play bingo
551
00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:37,069
to save her life.
552
00:16:37,168 --> 00:16:38,137
- Don't talk like that.
553
00:16:38,235 --> 00:16:39,138
Please don't talk like that.
554
00:16:39,236 --> 00:16:40,439
- Check her card!
555
00:16:40,537 --> 00:16:42,507
- Uh, I actually think you won.
556
00:16:42,606 --> 00:16:44,576
- No, no, mind
your own business.
557
00:16:44,675 --> 00:16:46,811
- Look, right there.
You had bingo diagonally
558
00:16:46,910 --> 00:16:49,181
from left to right.
- All right, sit down, please.
559
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,151
- Why didn't you call
bingo, Tom?
560
00:16:52,249 --> 00:16:53,953
- I must've missed it.
There's so many cards.
561
00:16:54,051 --> 00:16:56,155
- You didn't miss anything.
562
00:16:56,253 --> 00:16:58,523
- Oh, come on.
That's in poor taste.
563
00:16:58,622 --> 00:17:00,926
Where you going, Grandma?
Sit down.
564
00:17:01,025 --> 00:17:03,062
- Now I've seen it all.
565
00:17:03,161 --> 00:17:06,298
My own grandson fucked me
at bingo.
566
00:17:06,397 --> 00:17:08,500
[all gasp]
I'm out of here.
567
00:17:08,598 --> 00:17:10,069
- Can you say "fucked"
in church?
568
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:12,137
I can't imagine you can, right?
569
00:17:14,638 --> 00:17:16,541
Hey, ho.
Tom's grandma's phone here.
570
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,011
- I'm calling
from inside the house.
571
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:20,612
- Wait, what?
- Just kidding. It's Mom.
572
00:17:20,711 --> 00:17:23,115
- Oh, that's funny.
Murder--murder joke.
573
00:17:23,214 --> 00:17:25,217
- Yeah, murder joke.
How's it going, kid?
574
00:17:25,316 --> 00:17:26,818
- Oh, we're having
a great weekend.
575
00:17:26,918 --> 00:17:28,287
- Yeah?
Any activities?
576
00:17:28,385 --> 00:17:30,222
- Yeah, we're just, uh,
goofing off.
577
00:17:30,321 --> 00:17:32,257
- Goofing off?
What does this mean, like...
578
00:17:32,356 --> 00:17:33,692
- Why are you asking
so many questions?
579
00:17:33,790 --> 00:17:35,094
- What is that, like, dancing,
or, like...
580
00:17:35,193 --> 00:17:37,529
- Yeah, telling stories,
baking.
581
00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:39,198
I don't know.
We're doing things.
582
00:17:39,296 --> 00:17:41,133
We're doing fun things.
- Well, I miss you.
583
00:17:41,232 --> 00:17:42,401
I hope you're having
a great time.
584
00:17:42,499 --> 00:17:43,835
- All right.
- Tell Grandma I say hi.
585
00:17:43,935 --> 00:17:44,869
- I will.
- Bye.
586
00:17:44,969 --> 00:17:45,870
- Great conversation.
587
00:17:45,970 --> 00:17:47,006
Great conversation.
588
00:17:47,104 --> 00:17:48,273
- Peace.
[line beeps]
589
00:17:48,372 --> 00:17:49,474
- Hey, Grandma.
590
00:17:49,573 --> 00:17:51,243
Listen, I'll have
two Pop-Tarts,
591
00:17:51,342 --> 00:17:52,978
one frosted maple...
592
00:17:53,077 --> 00:17:54,413
- Sorry, asshole.
593
00:17:54,512 --> 00:17:57,149
I flushed all your Pop-Tarts
down the toilet.
594
00:17:57,247 --> 00:17:58,617
- Weird way to greet
the new day.
595
00:17:58,715 --> 00:18:00,185
- Sorry.
- Is this about bingo?
596
00:18:00,284 --> 00:18:01,320
- Yep.
- Listen, I'm sorry
597
00:18:01,418 --> 00:18:02,454
I ruined your fun.
- Fun?
598
00:18:02,553 --> 00:18:04,356
You think that I do this
for fun?
599
00:18:04,454 --> 00:18:05,857
Lean in.
- Lean in?
600
00:18:05,957 --> 00:18:07,059
Why?
No one else is here.
601
00:18:07,158 --> 00:18:08,693
- I need that cash, Tom.
602
00:18:08,792 --> 00:18:10,862
- Really?
- I've been borrowing money
603
00:18:10,961 --> 00:18:14,233
from the dog charity I work at.
- Dog charity?
604
00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:17,702
- And bingo is the only way
I can pay them back.
605
00:18:17,801 --> 00:18:19,404
- You're stealing money
from a dog charity.
606
00:18:19,503 --> 00:18:21,673
- Don't make it sound
so terrible.
607
00:18:21,771 --> 00:18:25,444
I just took some of their money
and put it in my purse.
608
00:18:25,542 --> 00:18:27,546
- Yes, that's theft.
That's stealing.
609
00:18:27,645 --> 00:18:31,816
- Anyway, it wasn't a problem
until you came along,
610
00:18:31,916 --> 00:18:33,652
so you need to fix this.
611
00:18:33,751 --> 00:18:35,354
- Okay, all right.
Let me see what I can do.
612
00:18:35,453 --> 00:18:36,721
And I just wanna say, Grandma,
613
00:18:36,821 --> 00:18:38,118
other than all this theft
614
00:18:38,222 --> 00:18:39,391
and cursing and stuff,
615
00:18:39,489 --> 00:18:40,659
I'm having
a really fun weekend.
616
00:18:40,757 --> 00:18:43,195
- I'm having
a fun time with you too.
617
00:18:45,062 --> 00:18:46,932
- Tom, you look
abnormally pale.
618
00:18:47,031 --> 00:18:48,400
- I know.
I got a crisis.
619
00:18:48,498 --> 00:18:50,202
My grandmother's threatening
to kick my ass.
620
00:18:50,301 --> 00:18:52,171
- What'd you do?
- I lost her bingo money,
621
00:18:52,270 --> 00:18:54,073
and now she can't repay
the dog charity
622
00:18:54,172 --> 00:18:55,774
that she was embezzling from.
623
00:18:55,872 --> 00:18:57,576
- So--okay, so
your grandmother's a criminal,
624
00:18:57,674 --> 00:18:59,278
and now she's gonna kick
your ass.
625
00:18:59,376 --> 00:19:00,479
- Multiple problems.
626
00:19:00,578 --> 00:19:01,746
- Oh, I got it, Tom.
- Yeah?
627
00:19:01,845 --> 00:19:03,282
- Why don't you do
the walkathon?
628
00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:04,649
- A walkathon?
The what?
629
00:19:04,748 --> 00:19:06,285
- The school walkathon.
- What's that?
630
00:19:06,383 --> 00:19:08,120
- People sponsor you,
and then the proceeds go
631
00:19:08,219 --> 00:19:09,554
to the charity of your choice.
632
00:19:09,653 --> 00:19:11,490
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, that's perfect, man.
633
00:19:11,588 --> 00:19:13,525
You can donate the money
in your grandmother's name.
634
00:19:13,624 --> 00:19:15,327
- I mean, that would
definitely solve things,
635
00:19:15,425 --> 00:19:17,429
but I'm not a big walker.
- You said it's a crisis.
636
00:19:17,528 --> 00:19:18,763
You're not gonna make
an exception?
637
00:19:18,862 --> 00:19:20,465
- It just sounds
like a lot of exertion.
638
00:19:20,564 --> 00:19:22,067
Plus, my mom doesn't want me
leaving the house.
639
00:19:22,166 --> 00:19:23,602
- Tom, I hate
to pull rank here,
640
00:19:23,702 --> 00:19:25,204
but I say you need to do this.
641
00:19:25,303 --> 00:19:27,339
'Cause, as you know,
bus driver outranks mom.
642
00:19:27,438 --> 00:19:29,141
- Bus driver outranks mom?
No.
643
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,410
- Yes.
The traditional hierarchy goes,
644
00:19:31,509 --> 00:19:34,446
bus driver, priest,
grandma, mom,
645
00:19:34,545 --> 00:19:37,116
and then I think, uh,
garbage man.
646
00:19:37,215 --> 00:19:39,451
- So my mom is just above
the garbage man.
647
00:19:39,549 --> 00:19:41,153
- That's right--
or recycling guy.
648
00:19:41,252 --> 00:19:43,822
I can't remember
which is which.
649
00:19:43,922 --> 00:19:45,690
- Okay, kids,
the big day is here,
650
00:19:45,789 --> 00:19:47,426
and we will start
at the school,
651
00:19:47,524 --> 00:19:49,461
and for every lap
you go around the town,
652
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,364
your sponsors will donate $5.
653
00:19:52,462 --> 00:19:53,999
So make sure you--
- Oh, wait, hold on.
654
00:19:54,098 --> 00:19:55,400
Uh, Coach?
- Yeah.
655
00:19:55,499 --> 00:19:56,868
- I'm sorry,
did you say "town"?
656
00:19:56,967 --> 00:19:58,971
- Yes, Tom.
It's laps around the town.
657
00:19:59,069 --> 00:20:00,405
It's a walkathon.
- Oh.
658
00:20:00,504 --> 00:20:02,407
- Tom, what did you think
that we were doing?
659
00:20:02,506 --> 00:20:04,076
- Oh, I thought we were doing
laps around the gym.
660
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:05,945
- The gym?
That would take, like,
661
00:20:06,044 --> 00:20:07,207
two seconds.
662
00:20:07,311 --> 00:20:08,647
- That's why
it appealed to me, yeah.
663
00:20:08,745 --> 00:20:10,349
- Wow.
- All right, everybody,
664
00:20:10,449 --> 00:20:11,783
so on that note,
665
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,818
let the walking begin.
666
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:15,820
- All right, everybody.
667
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,556
Walk.
668
00:20:18,655 --> 00:20:19,959
- Oh, no, you know what?
I'm cramping up.
669
00:20:20,058 --> 00:20:21,326
I'll catch up in a bit.
670
00:20:21,425 --> 00:20:22,794
- Tom, you haven't gone
anywhere yet.
671
00:20:22,892 --> 00:20:25,297
- I know. It's just cramps--
walking cramps.
672
00:20:25,395 --> 00:20:27,399
- Can you just try
to catch up, please?
673
00:20:27,498 --> 00:20:29,368
- All right, I'll see you
in a bit.
674
00:20:29,466 --> 00:20:31,403
Oh, man, I shouldn't have worn
these loafers.
675
00:20:31,501 --> 00:20:32,804
- Why're you wearing loafers?
- I don't know
676
00:20:32,904 --> 00:20:34,373
if I should dress
for the walkathon
677
00:20:34,471 --> 00:20:35,540
or the afterparty.
This is a disaster.
678
00:20:35,639 --> 00:20:36,808
All these people
sponsored me.
679
00:20:36,908 --> 00:20:37,809
- Tom, no one cares
680
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,144
about the actual walking.
681
00:20:39,243 --> 00:20:40,645
It's a symbolic "gesture."
682
00:20:40,744 --> 00:20:42,181
- No one cares
about the walking?
683
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:43,415
- No!
People just wanna donate money
684
00:20:43,513 --> 00:20:44,583
so they can feel good.
685
00:20:44,682 --> 00:20:45,918
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
686
00:20:46,017 --> 00:20:47,319
So, I mean,
let's just put you down
687
00:20:47,418 --> 00:20:48,954
for 25 laps and get out
of here.
688
00:20:49,053 --> 00:20:50,022
- Wait, we can just do that?
689
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,290
- No, Tom, not we.
I.
690
00:20:51,388 --> 00:20:52,958
I'm the starter.
In the hierarchy,
691
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:54,559
starter is above gym teacher.
692
00:20:54,658 --> 00:20:56,128
- Oh, really?
In society,
693
00:20:56,227 --> 00:20:58,063
starter is above most parents.
694
00:20:58,162 --> 00:21:00,365
- Starter is above everything.
The Bible opens
695
00:21:00,465 --> 00:21:01,433
with the starter.
696
00:21:01,531 --> 00:21:03,568
I can do whatever I want.
697
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:05,637
- Come on, kids.
- You got this!
698
00:21:05,737 --> 00:21:07,506
- Let's go!
- Wait a minute.
699
00:21:07,604 --> 00:21:09,741
Where's Tom?
- Keep going!
700
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,143
- Let's go.
Come on, guys.
701
00:21:11,242 --> 00:21:13,545
- Where the fuck
is my grandson?
702
00:21:13,645 --> 00:21:15,948
Tom, where are you?
703
00:21:16,047 --> 00:21:17,116
[video game beeping]
704
00:21:17,214 --> 00:21:18,450
- This is living:
705
00:21:18,549 --> 00:21:21,153
laying down on a rug,
moving my thumbs.
706
00:21:21,251 --> 00:21:22,554
- You stink at video games,
707
00:21:22,652 --> 00:21:24,023
but at least it's relaxing.
708
00:21:24,121 --> 00:21:25,285
- I don't even care.
You can chop my head off.
709
00:21:25,389 --> 00:21:26,858
You can stab me in the neck.
710
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,693
- And I will do that.
711
00:21:29,627 --> 00:21:31,230
- Oh, this is fun.
712
00:21:31,329 --> 00:21:33,498
No loafers, no walking,
713
00:21:33,597 --> 00:21:35,700
no people shoving Gatorade
in your face.
714
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,102
I love this.
715
00:21:37,201 --> 00:21:38,503
[applause]
716
00:21:38,602 --> 00:21:39,905
- Thanks for coming out,
everybody.
717
00:21:40,004 --> 00:21:41,706
We raised lots of money
for charity,
718
00:21:41,806 --> 00:21:43,575
so that's great, and we have
719
00:21:43,674 --> 00:21:45,644
some oversized checks
to hand out.
720
00:21:45,743 --> 00:21:48,213
So first up is Dakota,
721
00:21:48,312 --> 00:21:49,714
who did two laps
722
00:21:49,813 --> 00:21:53,518
and raised $3,000
for Meals on Wheels.
723
00:21:53,618 --> 00:21:54,886
Come on up here, Dakota.
724
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:56,388
- Let's do it, Dakota!
725
00:21:56,487 --> 00:21:58,991
- Next is Randy,
who did three laps
726
00:21:59,090 --> 00:22:00,792
and raised $4,000
727
00:22:00,892 --> 00:22:03,428
for Landscapers
Without Borders.
728
00:22:03,527 --> 00:22:05,730
- Whoo, that a boy, Randy!
729
00:22:05,829 --> 00:22:09,501
- And next--well, it's actually
a very remarkable story.
730
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,938
Tom somehow walked 25 laps
731
00:22:13,037 --> 00:22:14,139
around the town
732
00:22:14,238 --> 00:22:16,475
and raised $10,000
733
00:22:16,574 --> 00:22:17,776
for his charity for dogs.
734
00:22:17,875 --> 00:22:20,412
- Tom, thank you.
Thank you so much.
735
00:22:20,511 --> 00:22:21,880
- This breaks
the all-time record
736
00:22:21,978 --> 00:22:24,216
previously held
by Dakota's brother, Dylan.
737
00:22:24,315 --> 00:22:26,718
- What?
Ugh, fuck my charity.
738
00:22:26,817 --> 00:22:29,588
Fucking out of here.
Fucking Red Cross bullshit.
739
00:22:29,686 --> 00:22:31,223
[door slams]
- He'll be fine.
740
00:22:31,322 --> 00:22:32,224
Takes after his mother.
741
00:22:32,323 --> 00:22:33,353
- Anyway, let's hear it
742
00:22:33,457 --> 00:22:34,459
for Tom, everybody.
743
00:22:34,558 --> 00:22:36,328
- Thank you.
Thank you.
744
00:22:36,427 --> 00:22:38,030
I'm so happy
I could walk the laps.
745
00:22:38,129 --> 00:22:39,664
- No.
No, no, no.
746
00:22:39,763 --> 00:22:41,166
- Wait, what?
- Stop the presses.
747
00:22:41,265 --> 00:22:42,362
- What's happening?
748
00:22:42,466 --> 00:22:43,735
- This kid did not walk
25 laps.
749
00:22:43,835 --> 00:22:45,670
- Oh, no, I walked
more or less 25.
750
00:22:45,770 --> 00:22:47,039
- No, you didn't.
I know this
751
00:22:47,138 --> 00:22:48,773
'cause I saw him walking
to Nelson's house
752
00:22:48,872 --> 00:22:50,442
wearing some,
like, hideous loafers.
753
00:22:50,540 --> 00:22:51,676
[crowd gasps]
- No, no.
754
00:22:51,775 --> 00:22:53,812
- I did too.
He was skipping
755
00:22:53,910 --> 00:22:56,281
and saying, "This is
the greatest day of my life.
756
00:22:56,380 --> 00:22:58,517
I don't have to walk,
and I'm making some bread."
757
00:22:58,615 --> 00:22:59,784
- Skipping?
No, I don't skip.
758
00:22:59,884 --> 00:23:01,120
- Well, Tom, it seems true,
759
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:02,487
and we have multiple witnesses.
760
00:23:02,586 --> 00:23:04,123
This is highly unusual,
761
00:23:04,221 --> 00:23:06,992
but Tom's charity
actually owes us money.
762
00:23:07,090 --> 00:23:09,094
- What are you talking about?
- It's in the agreement
763
00:23:09,188 --> 00:23:10,462
right here.
Read this.
764
00:23:10,561 --> 00:23:11,897
- "If student fails
to walk any laps,
765
00:23:11,996 --> 00:23:14,394
"the charity is liable
to reimburse
766
00:23:14,498 --> 00:23:16,635
"the school system
for Gatorade,
767
00:23:16,734 --> 00:23:18,737
"ribbons, oversized checks,
768
00:23:18,836 --> 00:23:20,472
and administrative fees."
769
00:23:20,571 --> 00:23:21,506
- We don't have any money!
770
00:23:21,605 --> 00:23:23,108
We have dogs that slobber.
771
00:23:23,207 --> 00:23:25,344
- It's an agreement.
So just make the check out
772
00:23:25,442 --> 00:23:28,013
to Shady Oaks
Elementary School.
773
00:23:28,547 --> 00:23:29,748
- Whew.
774
00:23:29,847 --> 00:23:31,283
How was the weekend
with Grandma?
775
00:23:31,382 --> 00:23:33,018
- Oh, we had so much fun.
- Aww.
776
00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:35,187
- We went to church.
We prayed.
777
00:23:35,285 --> 00:23:37,289
We did some charity work.
778
00:23:37,387 --> 00:23:39,458
- Wow.
Well, I had fun too.
779
00:23:39,556 --> 00:23:41,360
- That's good.
- Let's relax now.
780
00:23:41,460 --> 00:23:43,062
- All right.
781
00:23:43,159 --> 00:23:45,497
[sad music playing on TV]
- If you love dogs,
782
00:23:45,596 --> 00:23:47,232
we need your help
783
00:23:47,331 --> 00:23:48,800
because this little asshole
784
00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:50,369
ruined our finances.
785
00:23:50,467 --> 00:23:52,104
You know what?
I don't know whether or not
786
00:23:52,203 --> 00:23:53,772
we're allowed to say "asshole"
on a PSA.
787
00:23:53,870 --> 00:23:55,374
Probably not.
But it's the only word
788
00:23:55,473 --> 00:23:56,575
that comes to mind.
789
00:23:56,674 --> 00:23:58,343
- Let's turn this off.
- Tom!
790
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,045
What happened?
- It's a long story.
791
00:24:00,144 --> 00:24:02,214
I was involved
in a charity walkathon.
792
00:24:02,313 --> 00:24:04,083
I told them I did 25 laps.
793
00:24:04,182 --> 00:24:05,717
In reality, I did zero,
794
00:24:05,816 --> 00:24:07,819
and now everyone's
in a big hullaballoo.
795
00:24:07,919 --> 00:24:10,489
- Ugh.
On one hand, I find it funny
796
00:24:10,582 --> 00:24:12,357
that you caused a hullaballoo,
but as your mom,
797
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,193
I'm gonna have
to discipline you, dude.
798
00:24:14,291 --> 00:24:15,727
- No, I've suffered enough.
799
00:24:15,826 --> 00:24:17,396
- You're gonna have to walk
those laps out of honor.
800
00:24:17,489 --> 00:24:18,998
- I'm not a big exercise guy.
- Tom!
801
00:24:19,096 --> 00:24:20,900
I'm your mother.
You gotta listen to me.
802
00:24:20,998 --> 00:24:22,462
- Do I have to listen, though?
I mean,
803
00:24:22,566 --> 00:24:23,835
from what I'm told,
priest, grandma,
804
00:24:23,935 --> 00:24:25,537
and bus driver all outrank you.
805
00:24:25,635 --> 00:24:27,467
- What?
- That's what I'm being told.
806
00:24:27,571 --> 00:24:29,741
- Tom, you're gonna walk
those laps,
807
00:24:29,834 --> 00:24:32,912
you're gonna make sure everyone
in town knows about it,
808
00:24:33,009 --> 00:24:35,647
and you're gonna restore
our family's good name.
809
00:24:35,746 --> 00:24:36,949
- I'll walk, but you realize
810
00:24:37,047 --> 00:24:39,284
we don't have a good name,
right?
811
00:24:39,383 --> 00:24:41,853
- Folks, we're here
with a feel-good story
812
00:24:41,953 --> 00:24:43,989
about a local boy
who has vowed to walk
813
00:24:44,087 --> 00:24:47,726
25 laps around the town
for his favorite dog charity.
814
00:24:47,825 --> 00:24:49,394
So let's listen in.
815
00:24:49,493 --> 00:24:51,563
- Hi, folks.
Anyone who knows me
816
00:24:51,663 --> 00:24:52,597
knows two things:
817
00:24:52,697 --> 00:24:53,798
I love cute dogs
818
00:24:53,898 --> 00:24:55,700
and walking long distances.
819
00:24:55,799 --> 00:24:58,203
So I plan to complete
these 25 laps,
820
00:24:58,297 --> 00:24:59,704
even if it takes me all night,
821
00:24:59,803 --> 00:25:01,006
and I'm gonna do it
with several
822
00:25:01,105 --> 00:25:02,574
of these cute little guys
by my side.
823
00:25:02,673 --> 00:25:04,409
Isn't that right?
Here, lick Tom's face.
824
00:25:04,509 --> 00:25:05,544
Oh, look at that.
825
00:25:05,643 --> 00:25:06,645
- Aww, so cute.
826
00:25:06,744 --> 00:25:07,913
- Aww.
- Oh.
827
00:25:08,012 --> 00:25:09,381
- Here, get in tight
for the licking.
828
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:10,682
- Oh, that's cute.
829
00:25:10,781 --> 00:25:12,051
That's wholesome stuff
right there.
830
00:25:12,149 --> 00:25:13,752
- Hey, hold up.
Hold up, Hey.
831
00:25:13,851 --> 00:25:14,920
- Oh, hey.
- What's going on here?
832
00:25:15,019 --> 00:25:16,516
- Great news: I decided to walk
833
00:25:16,621 --> 00:25:17,889
the 25 laps after all
834
00:25:17,988 --> 00:25:19,491
with the dogs,
me and the dogs.
835
00:25:19,590 --> 00:25:20,692
- Are you kidding me?
836
00:25:20,791 --> 00:25:22,794
25 laps will kill
these fuckers.
837
00:25:22,894 --> 00:25:23,996
- Kill them?
Wait, what?
838
00:25:24,095 --> 00:25:25,730
- This charity's
for senior dogs
839
00:25:25,830 --> 00:25:27,099
with congenital heart disease.
840
00:25:27,197 --> 00:25:28,733
- Oh, wait, what's what
the charity does,
841
00:25:28,832 --> 00:25:29,834
you're saying?
- Yeah, that's what
842
00:25:29,934 --> 00:25:31,703
"the charity" is, Tom.
843
00:25:31,802 --> 00:25:33,472
- Did you even read
the brochure?
844
00:25:33,571 --> 00:25:34,806
- I honestly didn't have time.
845
00:25:34,905 --> 00:25:36,575
Can we cut the cameras
at this point?
846
00:25:36,674 --> 00:25:37,676
Camera guy, please.
847
00:25:37,775 --> 00:25:38,677
- You don't talk to Henry.
848
00:25:38,776 --> 00:25:39,778
- Henry, please, come on.
849
00:25:39,877 --> 00:25:40,879
- How did you get the dogs?
850
00:25:40,978 --> 00:25:42,214
- How did I get them?
851
00:25:42,313 --> 00:25:44,544
My grandma has the key
to the building.
852
00:25:44,649 --> 00:25:45,717
- Wait.
853
00:25:45,816 --> 00:25:47,920
Did that kid steal my keys?
854
00:25:48,019 --> 00:25:49,254
- Grandma, you clearly gave me
the keys.
855
00:25:49,353 --> 00:25:50,689
- Unbelievable.
856
00:25:50,787 --> 00:25:52,491
- Come on, Grandma,
this is in poor taste.
857
00:25:52,590 --> 00:25:56,195
- So you stole a group
of elderly dogs,
858
00:25:56,293 --> 00:26:00,332
and then you were going
to march them to their deaths?
859
00:26:00,430 --> 00:26:01,901
- All right, so I guess
I don't come across
860
00:26:01,999 --> 00:26:03,868
looking great, but, uh,
just to be clear,
861
00:26:03,967 --> 00:26:06,238
no one's expecting me
to walk at this point, right?
862
00:26:06,337 --> 00:26:08,507
- ? Remember
there's more road ?
863
00:26:08,606 --> 00:26:10,275
? And places to go ?
864
00:26:10,374 --> 00:26:12,511
? And patterns
to contemplate ?
865
00:26:12,609 --> 00:26:14,213
? More people to fornicate ?
866
00:26:14,312 --> 00:26:17,382
? And remember
there's a lot of good omens ?
867
00:26:17,481 --> 00:26:19,084
? Supplying the proof ?
868
00:26:19,182 --> 00:26:22,421
? That our life
is the best joke ever told ?
869
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:26,926
? Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ?
870
00:26:27,023 --> 00:26:31,063
? Let go and try to be
always abiding ?
871
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:35,034
? Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ?
872
00:26:35,132 --> 00:26:37,436
? The sweet silver lining ?
873
00:26:37,529 --> 00:26:39,404
? Through you she lives on ?
874
00:26:39,503 --> 00:26:43,375
? And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ?
875
00:26:43,474 --> 00:26:47,679
? Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ?
876
00:26:47,777 --> 00:26:51,350
? If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles ?
877
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:55,950
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