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1
00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:03,537
- ? Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ?
2
00:00:04,236 --> 00:00:08,174
? I'll admit
I've gotten older ?
3
00:00:08,273 --> 00:00:13,980
? Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ?
4
00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:16,049
? ?
5
00:00:16,148 --> 00:00:20,754
? The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ?
6
00:00:20,853 --> 00:00:24,658
? I present no explanations ?
7
00:00:24,752 --> 00:00:28,562
? Can't expect
our tired patience ?
8
00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:32,533
? To satiate for long ?
9
00:00:32,631 --> 00:00:36,770
? Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ?
10
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:41,041
? Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ?
11
00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:43,076
? ?
12
00:00:43,171 --> 00:00:45,011
[bowling pins clatter]
13
00:00:48,213 --> 00:00:49,916
- Gutter ball.
Must be some kind of problem
14
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:51,485
with the lanes.
What's going on here?
15
00:00:51,579 --> 00:00:53,186
- Pssh.
- Can we get someone out here
16
00:00:53,285 --> 00:00:56,289
to use some kind of device to
check if the lanes are okay?
17
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:57,791
- Sure, yeah,
let's get somebody on that.
18
00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,159
Tom, can we talk to you
for a sec?
19
00:00:59,258 --> 00:01:01,194
- What's up, guys?
- You're just at risk of
20
00:01:01,293 --> 00:01:04,164
scoring a single digit score
here, so...
21
00:01:04,263 --> 00:01:06,633
- Oh, wait, are you suggesting
that I'm part of the problem?
22
00:01:06,732 --> 00:01:09,470
- A part?
You're about to bowl a nine.
23
00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:11,638
- Nine is not that bad really.
24
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,239
I mean...
- That's a single digit score.
25
00:01:13,338 --> 00:01:15,709
- In many soccer games,
they score less than three.
26
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,110
- Tom, the amount of times
27
00:01:17,209 --> 00:01:19,413
we have to tell you
this isn't soccer...
28
00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,448
- It's not me though.
Guys, you know what it is?
29
00:01:21,542 --> 00:01:22,916
It's the team name.
- The Muffins?
30
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,585
- It doesn't instill fear.
31
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:25,619
- No, no, it's not
the team name.
32
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,020
- Look at the other teams.
33
00:01:27,119 --> 00:01:29,890
The Killers, The Banditos,
The Murderers.
34
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:31,324
- So there's a bunch of illegal
things going on
35
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,893
in one Spanish team.
36
00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:35,128
- All right, kids,
there's one team still bowling,
37
00:01:35,227 --> 00:01:37,063
but that's not gonna
change the outcome.
38
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:39,232
So let's all gather round
the shoe rental counter.
39
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,601
I got something to say.
40
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,703
- Well, until
the technician arrives,
41
00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:44,805
I think we're at an impasse.
42
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:47,708
- Okay, everyone,
the school bowling league
43
00:01:47,807 --> 00:01:49,710
has been a real success.
44
00:01:49,809 --> 00:01:53,146
We're building friendships
and self-esteem.
45
00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:55,348
I want to thank you all
for participating.
46
00:01:55,447 --> 00:01:59,886
Our first trophy for 19th place
goes to The Muffins.
47
00:01:59,985 --> 00:02:01,622
- Oh, my God, we won.
- Oh.
48
00:02:01,721 --> 00:02:02,923
- I never won a trophy
in my life.
49
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:04,658
Wait here, guys,
I'm gonna do the talking.
50
00:02:04,752 --> 00:02:07,928
- 19th out of how many teams?
- Pretty sure 19.
51
00:02:08,027 --> 00:02:09,730
- Oh, wow, so many people
I want to thank.
52
00:02:09,829 --> 00:02:11,264
Where do you start?
My mom.
53
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,866
I want to thank the Lord,
Jesus Christ.
54
00:02:12,965 --> 00:02:14,300
- God, he said his whole name.
55
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,470
- I want to thank my whole
squad at Hanes.
56
00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:17,471
- What?
- For making
57
00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:18,805
my underwear and socks.
58
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:20,441
- Tom, we're not really
going through...
59
00:02:20,539 --> 00:02:23,009
- I want to thank everyone
at the shoe rental counter
60
00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:24,310
for always getting
my size right.
61
00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:25,879
- Yeah, size six.
62
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,280
- Thank you, guys.
We appreciate you.
63
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:28,549
- Right back at you, pal.
64
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,050
- We have 18 other trophies,
Tom.
65
00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:31,317
- You know, I want to thank
everyone out there
66
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:32,686
who has ever baked a muffin.
67
00:02:32,785 --> 00:02:34,655
If you've ever baked
or eaten a muffin,
68
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,957
this is for you.
[applause]
69
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:39,793
- Way to go, kiddo.
- Look at this.
70
00:02:39,892 --> 00:02:41,562
- Wow, I did it.
- Yeah, you did it.
71
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:42,829
We're so proud of you, Tom.
72
00:02:42,928 --> 00:02:44,398
- Look at that
beautiful trophy.
73
00:02:44,496 --> 00:02:46,332
- Hey, let's take a picture
for our holiday card.
74
00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:48,802
Tom, kiss the trophy.
- Great, how's this?
75
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:50,404
[camera clicks]
- That looks awesome.
76
00:02:50,498 --> 00:02:52,205
- Now, lick it.
- Lick it?
77
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,907
- Yeah, lick the trophy.
78
00:02:54,006 --> 00:02:55,275
- It's a little weird,
but okay.
79
00:02:55,374 --> 00:02:56,910
Lick, lick, like that?
[camera clicks]
80
00:02:57,009 --> 00:02:59,713
- Yup, that's right.
- Let me get in on this.
81
00:03:01,947 --> 00:03:03,484
- We won.
- Okay, now get on
82
00:03:03,582 --> 00:03:05,886
your uncle's shoulders and say,
"Fuck yeah! I did it!"
83
00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:07,187
- I thought I'm not allowed
to curse.
84
00:03:07,286 --> 00:03:09,456
- Today we're making
an exception.
85
00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:10,652
- Oh, wow.
- You did it.
86
00:03:10,756 --> 00:03:12,092
- Oh, fuck yeah.
87
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,560
Tom won.
- He's number one.
88
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:15,061
- Tom won at bowling.
89
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,498
- Buddy, that's
our holiday card right there.
90
00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:18,765
- That's great.
- Let's clean up
91
00:03:18,864 --> 00:03:20,662
and celebrate at dinner
tonight.
92
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,302
- Oh, this is exciting.
[doorbell rings]
93
00:03:22,397 --> 00:03:23,604
- Oh, there's the plumber.
94
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:24,971
I need you to talk to
him for me.
95
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:26,172
- You're still not talking
to plumbers.
96
00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:27,508
- No.
- Some point you're gonna
97
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:28,909
have to get over that.
98
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:31,011
Oh, hey, plumber.
- Hey, kid.
99
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:32,979
Here to fix the toilet again.
- Oh.
100
00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:34,881
- You guys really need to stop
taking such huge dumps.
101
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,249
You really do.
102
00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:38,084
- I know.
My uncle's been staying here.
103
00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:40,521
It's a real problem.
- Oh! What do we got there?
104
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:41,855
Did you win some kind of award?
105
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,685
- Oh, yeah,
we're all very excited.
106
00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:46,393
I won a top prize
in my bowling league.
107
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,028
- 19th place?
108
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,863
What the hell is this?
109
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:52,499
- My team won 19th place
out of multiple teams.
110
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,000
- Okay, kid.
- Yeah?
111
00:03:54,099 --> 00:03:56,302
- Do you know what the word
patronizing means?
112
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,104
- No, I'm not well read.
113
00:03:58,204 --> 00:04:01,041
- It means your teachers
and family are indulging you.
114
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,075
- Indulging?
- Yeah.
115
00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:04,706
This is a bullshit trophy.
116
00:04:04,810 --> 00:04:05,979
- No. Everyone's very excited.
117
00:04:06,078 --> 00:04:07,381
My grandma was literally
licking it.
118
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,849
- She's licking it?
- Yeah, we all did.
119
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:10,250
Everyone celebrates
differently.
120
00:04:10,349 --> 00:04:12,052
- And you licked it.
Everybody licked it.
121
00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:14,254
- Don't worry about it.
We just got our tongues out
122
00:04:14,353 --> 00:04:17,090
and started licking it and
we're all in a very good mood.
123
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,625
- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah.
124
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:21,261
- In the real world,
they don't give out trophies
125
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:22,829
for mediocrity.
- They don't?
126
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,565
- You think I get a trophy
every time I fix
127
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:26,500
someone's flat valve?
- I can't picture it. No.
128
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,934
- Come out to my van.
129
00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:29,770
I want to give you the trophy
you deserve.
130
00:04:29,869 --> 00:04:32,172
- Oh, another trophy.
All right, great.
131
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:36,009
- All right,
fire this puppy up.
132
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,378
- Wait, what's this device?
What are you doing?
133
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:38,979
- You're gonna thank me
for this someday.
134
00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:41,247
Now, this here is what you get
135
00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,884
in the real world
for sucking at bowling.
136
00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:45,251
- Wait, what are you doing?
No, no.
137
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,087
- Just watch. Just watch.
- No, no. Stop.
138
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,155
- Relax. Chill out.
- The trophy's melting.
139
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:50,891
- Just be patient with it.
140
00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:53,660
- Oh, this is--this is
very upsetting.
141
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,862
- Six ounces of raw aluminum
142
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,198
molded into the shape
of a piece of poop.
143
00:04:58,297 --> 00:05:00,467
- We really have to look for
a new plumber at some point.
144
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,869
- Please don't do that.
Don't do that.
145
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:05,839
- Hey, Tom, you want to come
sit with us?
146
00:05:05,933 --> 00:05:07,641
- Oh, you got your whole team,
whole team...
147
00:05:07,739 --> 00:05:09,543
- Yeah, we got the whole squad.
- The whole squad, all right.
148
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,445
Hey, Nelson, you want to go sit
with my bowling boys?
149
00:05:11,543 --> 00:05:14,014
- Pssh, absolutely not, man.
That's a whole subculture
150
00:05:14,113 --> 00:05:15,248
I don't need to
be involved with.
151
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:16,750
- No?
- We'll catch up later.
152
00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:18,919
- Okay.
He's comfortable up there.
153
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,387
What's up, guys?
- Hey, Tom.
154
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,656
I didn't mean to criticize you
the other day.
155
00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:23,890
- It's fine.
- We still won a trophy,
156
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,258
so we must've done
something right.
157
00:05:25,357 --> 00:05:26,927
- We're all winners.
We're all winners.
158
00:05:27,026 --> 00:05:28,462
- So we were thinking,
why don't we each keep
159
00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:30,631
the trophy for one week.
You know, you had it first.
160
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,065
Then I'll keep it, then Hector.
161
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,600
- You know, actually
I should've mentioned.
162
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:36,970
I kind of melted the trophy.
- What do you mean?
163
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,906
- You're expecting us
to fill in the dots now?
164
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:42,008
- I got into the back
of my plumber's van
165
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:43,877
and used an industrial
soldering iron to melt
166
00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:45,979
the trophy down
to its core elements.
167
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,148
- What--what is this?
- I still have the trophy.
168
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:49,583
I mean, it's not like
I destroyed it.
169
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,117
- Was it trying to make
it look like poop?
170
00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:52,586
- What kind of teammate
does this?
171
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,187
- I just melted it down.
It still looks pretty...
172
00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:55,188
here you go.
You want to hold it?
173
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:56,818
- Ew, gross.
[groans]
174
00:05:56,922 --> 00:05:58,492
[glass shatters and
tires screech]
175
00:05:58,592 --> 00:05:59,821
- Okay, kids.
176
00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,562
What's the racket all about?
177
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:03,029
- Well, Tom melted down
178
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,598
our bowling trophy
to make it look like poop.
179
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:08,268
- Tom, why would you do that
to a beautiful trophy?
180
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,803
- Just to be clear,
my plumber melted it.
181
00:06:09,902 --> 00:06:11,538
I was just--I was by the van.
182
00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:14,975
- Tom, Tom, why would you have
your plumber melt the trophy?
183
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,209
- Why?
- Yes.
184
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:19,045
Answer the question, Tom.
- Uh...
185
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,147
I mean, if you must know.
186
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:23,417
I was told that 3/4 of
the league probably
187
00:06:23,515 --> 00:06:26,252
doesn't deserve a trophy,
that we're just being indulged
188
00:06:26,352 --> 00:06:28,522
because they don't
want us to feel bad.
189
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:31,392
In the real world,
no one's gonna be this nice.
190
00:06:31,490 --> 00:06:34,428
We're gonna get a harsh dose
of reality. That's all.
191
00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:37,764
- Yeah, actually that
makes a lot of sense.
192
00:06:37,863 --> 00:06:41,568
[somber music]
193
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,336
- Come on, kids. Play.
194
00:06:43,435 --> 00:06:45,906
- What's the point when
trophies have no meaning?
195
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:51,244
- Did you know 75% of us kids
are losers?
196
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,013
- Kids, if you feel depressed,
197
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:55,616
just, like, try being
happy instead.
198
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,384
I can't give you Prozac.
199
00:06:57,482 --> 00:07:00,353
- Wow. Well, now I'm starting
to question the whole
200
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,623
Bus Driver of the Month
certificate.
201
00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:04,124
What am I, just a puppet with
202
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,860
the bus company's hand
up my butthole?
203
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,264
- Listen, kids, I know that
some of you are feeling down
204
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:14,267
because of what Tom said
about trophies.
205
00:07:14,366 --> 00:07:17,404
So to cheer you kids up,
I brought in the top
206
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:20,507
motivational speaker
in New Jersey.
207
00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:22,609
Come on out here, Chaz.
208
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:25,045
- Okay, kids.
209
00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:27,381
How you feeling?
- Not great.
210
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,383
- Very bad.
- Oh, come on.
211
00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:32,619
I can't hear you.
I said how you feeling?
212
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,020
Because you want to
know something?
213
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,522
I feel great,
214
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,891
so let's start with some
positivity exercises.
215
00:07:37,985 --> 00:07:39,493
Son, you, right there.
- Wait, me? No.
216
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,294
- You, come on up here.
- No.
217
00:07:41,393 --> 00:07:44,365
- Yes, you. Come! On! Up! Here!
- You got to relax.
218
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:46,500
- Get on up here, you little
mopey son of a bitch.
219
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,069
Ah, what's your name?
I just want to squeeze ya.
220
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:51,304
- Hey, can we take the pace
down a notch?
221
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:53,807
- No! I want to know your name,
young man.
222
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:55,642
What is it?
- Uh, Tom.
223
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:57,110
My name's Tom.
- Tom!
224
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,079
That is a beautiful name.
225
00:07:59,173 --> 00:08:00,547
- Really? I don't get a lot of
compliments on it.
226
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,148
- Tom, let me ask you something
real quick.
227
00:08:02,247 --> 00:08:03,684
What is your dream in life?
- My dream?
228
00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:06,186
- Yes, your dream.
What is your dream?
229
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:07,588
- Some kind of entry level
bassoon job.
230
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:10,524
- Okay, starting at the bottom.
Humble.
231
00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:11,525
I appreciate that.
232
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:13,794
Now, if you put
your mind to it,
233
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:17,431
you can be the best bassoonist
of your generation.
234
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:18,899
- Oh, now you're being silly.
235
00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:20,501
- Oh, you just have
to believe, Tom.
236
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,202
- I'm pretty bad.
- Tom, I want to hear you say
237
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,237
I believe.
- I believe?
238
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,373
But it feels like a stretch
if I'm being honest.
239
00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:28,074
- Tom, okay,
just the believe part.
240
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,476
Scream it!
241
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:31,445
- You're sweating a lot.
You realize that, right?
242
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:34,681
- Yeah, I am because this is
how much I believe in you.
243
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,950
- Oh, he's picking me up.
- Hey, don't touch the kids.
244
00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:40,253
- I believe. I want you to
shout it to the universe, okay?
245
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,522
What do you weigh?
246
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,189
- Can I sit down now?
I believe.
247
00:08:43,288 --> 00:08:47,160
- I bel--oh, shit.
- What's wrong?
248
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,663
- What is this?
Oh.
249
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:52,399
[mic screeches]
250
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:56,202
- Oh, my God, did Tom just kill
the motivational speaker?
251
00:08:56,301 --> 00:08:59,673
- I believe. Is it weird to say
it at this point?
252
00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,408
[organ chords]
253
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,477
- Listen, one thing
we all have in common
254
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,679
is that we're very sad
at the loss of this man.
255
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,914
But also I want to make it
very clear
256
00:09:08,008 --> 00:09:09,383
that from a liability
standpoint,
257
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:11,351
we have no responsibility
at all.
258
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:13,587
So if somebody
was gonna sue us,
259
00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:15,922
they would lose.
Thank you, everybody.
260
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,157
- That was beautiful.
261
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,125
Tom, psst, Tom.
- Oh, hey.
262
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,461
Who are you?
- Who am I?
263
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,128
I'm Charlotte.
You killed my husband.
264
00:09:22,227 --> 00:09:23,797
- Oh, you're the--sorry.
Sorry about that.
265
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,566
- I just want to let you know
that I don't want you
266
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:28,134
to feel bad, but you were
my husband's final student.
267
00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:29,470
- I know.
Listen, if there's anything
268
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,004
I can do, just say the word.
- Yeah.
269
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,238
- Anything.
- Oh, I want to say it.
270
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:34,035
- Okay.
- Listen, if you want
271
00:09:34,134 --> 00:09:36,009
to honor my husband's legacy...
- Okay.
272
00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:37,177
- You need to go out
into the world
273
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,513
and achieve all of your dreams.
274
00:09:39,611 --> 00:09:41,615
- Achieve my dreams?
Oh, that's kind of a big ask.
275
00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:42,883
- Is it?
- Well...
276
00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:44,418
- He's dead.
He's never gonna breathe again.
277
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:45,619
- I said sorry.
- Sorry's not gonna
278
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:46,953
cut it this time.
279
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,050
Look, it'd be such an
affirmation of his legacy.
280
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:51,558
Look, I understand you want to
be a master bassoonist.
281
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:54,327
- Oh, I might've casually said
bassoon on stage.
282
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,963
I was panicking.
- Tom, look, he's looking down
283
00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:58,131
on us right now.
Look at him.
284
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,633
- Is he?
- He's saying, "Hey, Tom,
285
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,402
you can go play the shit
out of that bassoon."
286
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:02,703
- You think that's
what he's saying?
287
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:04,337
- Oh, I know that's
what he's saying.
288
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,972
- All right, well,
I'll see what I can do.
289
00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:08,542
Just check in in a few years
when I'm in my late teens.
290
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:11,011
- Sure, sure. It'll be
a week by week situation.
291
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,345
I'll see you every seven days.
292
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:13,680
[school bell rings]
293
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,417
- Okay, kids,
see you all next week.
294
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,485
And Hector, I apologize
295
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,954
for calling you
a ham-handed imbecile.
296
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:23,757
- It's okay, Mr. B.
I appreciate the feedback.
297
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:25,086
- Good for you.
298
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:27,461
- Hey, Mr. B.
- What is it, Thomas?
299
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,697
- Listen, I'm trying to become
the number one bassoon player
300
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,299
in the tri-state area,
and I need your help.
301
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:35,669
- You would need a lot more
than my help, Thomas.
302
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:37,070
- I just need something
that says I'm special.
303
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:38,071
- Tom.
- Yeah.
304
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,072
- You're not special.
305
00:10:39,173 --> 00:10:40,340
- No, I kind of am.
306
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,975
- You stink.
- No, I don't stink.
307
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,243
- Thomas, you stink.
308
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,678
- No, don't say that, Mr. B.
309
00:10:44,772 --> 00:10:45,812
- You very much stink.
310
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:47,648
- Not a good motivational
speaker, are you?
311
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:49,383
Listen, this is actually
for a good cause.
312
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,217
I promised the speaker's widow
313
00:10:51,316 --> 00:10:53,086
that I would do this
in his memory,
314
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:55,221
so if you don't do it for me,
315
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,258
will you do it for Chaz?
Please?
316
00:10:58,357 --> 00:11:01,061
- I'll tell you what.
My ex-wife Olivia
317
00:11:01,155 --> 00:11:03,364
works at Carnegie Hall.
- Carnegie Hall?
318
00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:06,266
No, that sounds fancy.
- And if you promise me
319
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,369
to practice hard...
- No.
320
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,971
- I can talk to her
about working you
321
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:12,739
into one of the warm-up acts.
322
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,475
- No, I don't need to--
I can't do that.
323
00:11:14,573 --> 00:11:16,042
That sounds crazy.
- Well, you just said how much
324
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:18,379
you believe in yourself.
- I was just flapping my lips.
325
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:19,913
I'd have to practice.
I'd have to...
326
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,384
- Tom, there's a wonderful joke
I love to tell.
327
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,820
It goes: how do you get to
Carnegie Hall?
328
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,422
Practice.
329
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,458
- You're not known for
your sense of humor, are you?
330
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:34,728
[dramatic classical music]
331
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:42,235
? ?
332
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,754
[bass notes]
333
00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:03,524
Hey, do you mind?
I'm practicing here.
334
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,188
- Thank you, everyone.
335
00:12:07,292 --> 00:12:10,030
We have a special treat this
evening before the main show.
336
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:14,234
This brave young man wants to
honor the memory of his mentor
337
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,636
who passed away sadly while
338
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,771
encouraging him
to chase his dreams.
339
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:20,607
And tonight,
that dream comes true.
340
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:23,109
Tom, the floor is yours.
[applause]
341
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:24,978
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
342
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:29,483
Um, I'd like to play a song in
memory of the man who taught me
343
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,085
to chase my dreams
and to always believe.
344
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,254
Which is why I'd like to play
a beautiful song called
345
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:36,757
"I Believe I Can Fly"
by R. Kelly.
346
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:41,528
- Wait, R. Kelly? Does anybody
glance at a newspaper?
347
00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:43,597
- What's wrong? What happened?
- Sorry.
348
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:46,667
Tom, play literally
any song but that.
349
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,935
- Any? Oh, no, that's the only
song I learned.
350
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:50,303
- What?
- I haven't slept
351
00:12:50,404 --> 00:12:52,172
in three days.
- I'll take his place.
352
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,007
- Wait, who exactly are you?
353
00:12:54,108 --> 00:12:55,341
- I'm the boy's plumber.
354
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:56,910
- What is happening?
Why is he here?
355
00:12:57,009 --> 00:12:59,680
- You know, folks, as a kid
I wanted to play tuba,
356
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,315
but no one encouraged me.
- Why is he talking?
357
00:13:02,409 --> 00:13:05,246
- My dad would say,
"You suck at tuba, kid.
358
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,654
Just fix toilets
like your old man."
359
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:09,222
Now, that's what I do.
- Get him off.
360
00:13:09,321 --> 00:13:10,857
Cut the mic.
- Every day I wake up
361
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:13,560
and I know my hands
are going in a place
362
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,196
where people put things
they're ashamed of.
363
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:19,700
So to play Carnegie Hall, for
me, would be a dream come true.
364
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,368
- All right,
don't listen to him.
365
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,837
- Tom, stop trying to steal
my moment here.
366
00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:25,672
- It's not your moment.
Why are you even here?
367
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:28,609
- Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Tom's plumber.
368
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:30,343
- Oh, no.
[applause]
369
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,979
- Thank you.
This really means a lot.
370
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,748
This is for you, Dad.
371
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,986
[plays "If You're Happy
and You Know It"]
372
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:41,321
- They're clapping for that?
373
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,889
I could've learned that
in five minutes.
374
00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:47,288
This is terrible.
- Hey, Tom.
375
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,995
- Yeah.
- If my husband were here,
376
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:51,231
do you know what he'd say?
- You got to believe?
377
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,766
- No. He'd say "You suck."
378
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,636
What kind of jackass
only learns one song?
379
00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:57,404
- I guess, uh, good thing
he's not here.
380
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,872
That would be very unpleasant.
381
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:01,074
? ?
382
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:05,879
[upbeat music]
383
00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:09,683
- These curly fries
are amazing.
384
00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:11,251
- Oh, yeah.
- Yup.
385
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,654
- They're literally the best
food I've ever eaten.
386
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,822
- Excuse me,
I want my money back.
387
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,290
These curly fries
are disgusting.
388
00:14:17,391 --> 00:14:18,659
- Wait, what?
389
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:20,160
- They taste like
a bag of limp dicks.
390
00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:22,763
- That's a weird way
to describe things, but...
391
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,798
- You know what? I can't talk
to this imbecile.
392
00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:26,733
I want to speak to
the manager here.
393
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:29,603
- There's no manager, ma'am.
It's a snack bar.
394
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,271
- You are baiting me.
- What?
395
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,806
- I am not leaving until
this is resolved.
396
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:34,335
- Did I do something wrong?
I...
397
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:35,842
- I'm calling the police.
- Ma'am...
398
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:38,879
- Hello, police?
- 911, what's your emergency?
399
00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:41,848
- I've been forced to eat
some shit fries.
400
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:43,750
- Okay.
- And I've been humiliated here
401
00:14:43,849 --> 00:14:45,652
by--and they keep telling me
there's no boss.
402
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,053
- Got it.
- What do I do when they say
403
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:50,524
there's no boss?
What does that mean for me?
404
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:51,758
- You know what?
This ain't worth it.
405
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,794
Here's your money.
- Thank you.
406
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,830
Thank you so--you know,
you're such a sweetie pie.
407
00:14:56,929 --> 00:14:58,899
- I appreciate that.
- This is such a good example
408
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,935
of great customer service.
Bye-bye.
409
00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:05,071
- Wait, why did she get special
treatment for being obnoxious?
410
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:07,608
- Oh, my mom's kind of like
the queen of complaining.
411
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:08,775
- The queen of complaining.
- Yeah.
412
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,210
She actually gives talks on it.
413
00:15:10,305 --> 00:15:11,478
You should check it out
sometime.
414
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,013
- She teaches people
to complain.
415
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:15,516
- I mean, if you don't mind
being hated by everyone,
416
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:17,984
it's a great way
to get free stuff.
417
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,489
- Well, next up we're gonna
talk about complaining.
418
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,925
Please welcome Dakota's mom.
419
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,729
- Hello, everyone.
420
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:31,331
I want to ask you all
a question.
421
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,000
What is complaining?
422
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:38,972
Over the next four hours,
we're gonna break it down.
423
00:15:39,071 --> 00:15:40,941
- Wait, four hours?
She said four.
424
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,142
- [sighs]
Let me text my dad and tell him
425
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:43,544
I'll be late for dinner.
426
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,879
- Is there something wrong
with complaining?
427
00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:49,716
I promise you it's as important
as water.
428
00:15:49,815 --> 00:15:52,619
And remember, never speak to
the person helping you.
429
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,154
If someone is helping you,
430
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:57,791
you should look down and
give them a side eye glance.
431
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,826
You don't need
to respect others.
432
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,896
You are most important.
When you respect others,
433
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:04,698
you are taking away
from yourself.
434
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:08,535
If you take your own excrement
and throw it at somebody,
435
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,337
there is nothing wrong
with that.
436
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:14,436
I want you all to know,
afterwards I'm gonna be signing
437
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:15,942
copies of my book.
438
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:18,412
It's called "I'd Like to Speak
to the Manager:
439
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:21,047
My Life as a Complainer."
440
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,617
- Tom, we've got to
buy that book.
441
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,251
- Wait, are you kidding?
That was the craziest talk
442
00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:26,953
I've ever heard.
- If we play our cards right,
443
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:30,056
we'll never pay
for anything again.
444
00:16:30,624 --> 00:16:32,859
Excuse me,
can I get my money back?
445
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,761
This pizza has a lot of cheese
all over it.
446
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:37,931
Somebody spilled extra cheese
on my pizza.
447
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:39,533
- Uh, what?
- Ask for the manager.
448
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,967
- Don't make me speak
to the manager.
449
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,703
- Don't tell him
to lower his voice.
450
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:46,172
- Don't make me speak to
the manager up in here.
451
00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:48,542
- Um, excuse me?
452
00:16:48,636 --> 00:16:51,111
Can I get a free Slurpee?
This cashier is saying
453
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,346
slanderous things about
Polish people.
454
00:16:53,445 --> 00:16:56,683
- What? I literally said...
- I don't talk to cashiers.
455
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:58,419
I'd like to speak
to the manager.
456
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,954
- Okay, Tom's turn.
Pretzel time.
457
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:03,357
- Oh, no, I might pass.
I don't think this is my speed.
458
00:17:03,451 --> 00:17:05,487
- Tom, you heard
Dakota's mom speech.
459
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:08,395
You need to tap into
your inner maniac.
460
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:09,663
- I don't think I have one.
461
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:10,931
I don't think I have
an inner maniac.
462
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,733
- You do. Everyone does.
- All right.
463
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:14,067
Let me see what I can do.
464
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,002
Let me lay into this
son of a bitch.
465
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,771
- All right, little man,
here's your pretzel bites
466
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,906
and your large coke and hey,
say what's up to my boy,
467
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,307
the bus driver,
if you catch him.
468
00:17:21,402 --> 00:17:22,843
- Afraid I can't do that,
Glenn,
469
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,778
'cause right now I need to
speak to the manager.
470
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,112
- Wait, what now?
What now?
471
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,948
- Can I get the manager
out here please?
472
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,583
I can't talk to this imbecile.
473
00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:31,685
- Yo, dude, what's the issue
here, like...
474
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,153
- Don't tell me
to lower my voice.
475
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:34,755
- Dude, do you want
the pretzel bites or not?
476
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,357
Like what is the matter?
- Can I see the manager?
477
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:39,693
This cashier--I think the guy
just peed in my coke.
478
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,027
- Wait, what now?
Dude, I didn't--
479
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:42,596
yo, I didn't
pee in nothing, dude.
480
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,230
- I'm sorry.
What's going on over here?
481
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,132
- Oh, hey, thank you.
Hate to complain,
482
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,934
but this guy just urinated
in my coke.
483
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:49,836
- What?
- He just peed in my coke.
484
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:51,171
- Is there anything
more to that story?
485
00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:52,573
He just started peeing
in your coke.
486
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,107
- Yeah.
- This some TikTok
487
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:55,976
bullshit, dude.
- I just asked for some pretzel
488
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,612
bites and next thing I know,
he whipped out his Johnson.
489
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,113
- Dude, I didn't literally--
- You know what?
490
00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:01,948
I'm very sorry this happened.
- Yeah.
491
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,017
- So your order is free.
- Really?
492
00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:06,753
- Here is a voucher for a
lifetime supply of pretzels.
493
00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:09,055
- That's amazing.
- Glenn, back room. Now.
494
00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:10,791
- Oh, that's bullshit, dude.
[door closes]
495
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,793
- That felt good.
- Wow.
496
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:15,028
- I complained,
I talked about his penis.
497
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,998
- Oh, we get stuff done.
- We're getting free pretzels.
498
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,434
- For life.
- Thanks a lot, asshole.
499
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,536
- Oh, hey, Glenn.
Sorry about that.
500
00:18:22,636 --> 00:18:24,237
- Don't "hey, Glenn" me.
- What's wrong?
501
00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:26,272
- Yo, you got me fired thanks
to your little shenanigans.
502
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:27,474
- Wait, what?
- Yeah.
503
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,009
- They fired you?
- They don't want
504
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,572
people putting their pricks
in people's cokes
505
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,012
and peeing and all that.
- Oh, no.
506
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,814
Now, I feel bad.
I'm sorry, Glenn.
507
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,348
- Yeah, well, sorry
ain't gonna cut it, dog.
508
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,983
Unless you gonna pay me every
two weeks.
509
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,485
You know what I'm saying?
- I'm definitely not
510
00:18:38,579 --> 00:18:40,086
gonna do that.
- How'd you like it
511
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,623
if I came to your job and
started shit talking you, huh?
512
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,625
Huh, huh, huh?
- Well, you can't.
513
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,427
I don't have a job,
so you can't.
514
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,395
I go to school.
- Oh, great.
515
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,030
I'll see you there.
516
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:54,668
Ugh, who's the bassoon guy?
More like the buffoon guy.
517
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,537
- Oh, no.
- Yo, you suck, dawg.
518
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,172
You ruined the whole concerto.
519
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,675
Yo, look at that idiot
on third base.
520
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:02,809
- Oh, not again.
521
00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:04,144
- He has no athletic ability.
522
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:06,413
He's like Bo Jackson
if he didn't--
523
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:07,714
if he sucked at everything.
524
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,611
- No, I'm good,
very good athlete,
525
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,184
very good at sports.
526
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,554
- I-I'd really encourage you
to take up bassoon.
527
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:14,755
It's just a fun instrument.
528
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,022
It's easy to play.
529
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:17,524
- Uh, just my two cents...
- Oh, no.
530
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:18,959
- But this kid,
he chews funny.
531
00:19:19,059 --> 00:19:20,293
Oh, what a wack face.
532
00:19:20,394 --> 00:19:22,062
Yeah, I wouldn't put food
in that thing.
533
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,329
You know what I'm saying?
You don't know how to eat,
534
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:24,598
lips all smackin' all weird.
535
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,433
Look at you,
mouth going up and down.
536
00:19:26,532 --> 00:19:27,501
- Doesn't even make any sense.
537
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,802
- You suck at eating.
538
00:19:28,902 --> 00:19:29,870
Who sucks at eating?
539
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,633
You suck at eating, dawg.
540
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:33,874
- Hey, Principal.
What's going on?
541
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,341
You wanted to see me?
- Tom, how are you?
542
00:19:35,441 --> 00:19:36,810
- Everything okay?
543
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,044
- I'm getting a lot of
complaints about you.
544
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:39,580
- Complaints about me?
- Yeah.
545
00:19:39,674 --> 00:19:41,181
People are saying you're lazy,
dumb,
546
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,049
you wear the same shirt
all the time, and...
547
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:44,885
- What?
- The list just goes on and on.
548
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,820
- From who?
- From concerned parents.
549
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,522
- Concerned parents
are saying that?
550
00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:49,956
- Yeah, the--the--
- Name one.
551
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,993
- Uh, Dick Jackoff,
Ben Dover...
552
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:54,656
- What?
- Uh, Seymour Buns,
553
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,129
Dick Stroker,
Anita Dick.
554
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:57,798
I mean, the--Tom,
the list just goes on and on.
555
00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:00,066
- Principal,
those are obviously fake names.
556
00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:01,435
- Tom, I'm not in the mood.
557
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,869
- Those are joke names.
558
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,137
- Tom, all I know is
they're complaints,
559
00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:05,667
and until they stop
pouring in,
560
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,240
I'm--I'm gonna have to
suspend you.
561
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,643
- You're gonna suspend me
because Dick Stroker
562
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,111
thinks I'm lazy.
563
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,779
- Tom, please just
show yourself to the door.
564
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,548
You're really making
a fool of yourself.
565
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:15,749
[birds chirping]
566
00:20:15,849 --> 00:20:17,217
- Oh, what a day.
567
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:19,352
Don't overreact, Mom,
but, uh, I got suspended.
568
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:20,621
- What? Why?
569
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,155
- Eh,
I've got a pretzel cashier
570
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:24,124
with a personal vendetta
against me.
571
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,759
- What?
- I complained, and now he's--
572
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,461
he said he vows to ruin me.
573
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:28,762
- You complained?
574
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:29,830
- I was trying to get
free stuff.
575
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,331
I read Dakota's Mom's book.
576
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:33,434
- Tom, why would you listen
to that woman?
577
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:34,868
She's a monster.
578
00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:35,869
- You have to admit, though,
she gets her way.
579
00:20:35,969 --> 00:20:37,170
She gets free stuff.
580
00:20:37,271 --> 00:20:38,872
- So do I.
I get my way too.
581
00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:40,306
- Really?
- But I get my way
582
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:41,508
by being nice.
583
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:42,809
- Nice?
- On Yelp,
584
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,911
I'm crapping out
five-star reviews
585
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,380
like there's no tomorrow.
586
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:47,814
- You're crapping 'em out?
587
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,483
- I'm layin' 'em down.
- What do you mean?
588
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,184
You give nice reviews so
the store will treat you well?
589
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:53,454
- Yes.
- Oh, so it's fake--fake nice.
590
00:20:53,552 --> 00:20:56,156
- Yeah. Let's give this Glenn
some nice reviews.
591
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,024
He'll be on your good side
in no time, okay?
592
00:20:58,123 --> 00:20:59,926
- How nice could a review
possibly be?
593
00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:05,065
- "Glenn is a polite, handsome,
pretzel cashier."
594
00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:07,233
- I love it.
- "I have nothing else
595
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,731
"to live for
aside from the smile
596
00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:12,105
"I might receive from Glenn,
597
00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:15,409
the sexy and helpful
pretzel cashier at the mall."
598
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:17,378
- That's an amazing review.
- Mm-hmm.
599
00:21:17,476 --> 00:21:19,646
- Let's keep doing it.
That actually feels nice
600
00:21:19,746 --> 00:21:21,081
to be positive, I mean...
601
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:22,816
- Yeah, okay, why not?
- Let's write some more.
602
00:21:22,915 --> 00:21:24,184
- Costs nothing to be nice.
603
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,953
I want you to remember
I told you that.
604
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:31,091
- "The hostess at Pizzarama
is a pure delight
605
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:35,896
"a national treasure,
and a real authentic beauty?
606
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:38,832
"Sparkling eyes
that invite you in?
607
00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:41,435
She don't know she beautiful?"
608
00:21:41,535 --> 00:21:43,837
Five stars? Sick.
609
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:46,540
- "The priest
makes religion fun,
610
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,770
and he's also super-hot?"
611
00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,411
Five stars?
612
00:21:50,509 --> 00:21:54,448
- "The coach is great
with kids and totally handsome.
613
00:21:54,542 --> 00:21:56,650
I would for sure hit that?"
614
00:21:56,749 --> 00:21:58,519
All righty.
615
00:21:59,814 --> 00:22:01,622
- Aw, Glenn, I'm so glad
this worked out.
616
00:22:01,721 --> 00:22:03,123
- Aw, what's up, big man?
617
00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:04,758
Big thanks, dawg,
for helping me get my job back.
618
00:22:04,858 --> 00:22:07,160
Your mom's reviews, yo,
they went a long way, player.
619
00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:08,862
- Glad it worked out.
I'm glad we're friends again.
620
00:22:08,962 --> 00:22:10,130
- Hell, yeah, dawg.
621
00:22:10,229 --> 00:22:11,365
- Weird guy to have
as a friend,
622
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:12,899
but I feel better.
623
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,300
- It's weirder for me.
You're a child.
624
00:22:14,401 --> 00:22:15,702
You know what I'm saying?
But, uh...
625
00:22:15,802 --> 00:22:17,170
- It's a strange friendship.
626
00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:19,005
No two ways about that,
but I'll see you around.
627
00:22:19,106 --> 00:22:20,874
- Hell, yeah, dude.
628
00:22:20,974 --> 00:22:22,342
[upbeat music]
629
00:22:22,441 --> 00:22:24,611
- Be honest.
Do these jeans flatter my butt?
630
00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:28,314
I'm going for, like,
a young, sexy accountant look.
631
00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:31,518
- I guess they hug
your buttocks.
632
00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:34,187
- Do they snug it?
Are they snug on my bum?
633
00:22:34,287 --> 00:22:36,056
- Dakota's dad?
- Hey, Tom.
634
00:22:36,155 --> 00:22:37,724
- What are you doing
at the Euro Zone?
635
00:22:37,818 --> 00:22:39,793
- Eh, just trying on
some new duds.
636
00:22:39,893 --> 00:22:40,994
How--how do I look?
637
00:22:41,093 --> 00:22:42,596
- I don't know.
Kinda weird.
638
00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:44,365
- Actually, you're just
the person I wanted to see.
639
00:22:44,463 --> 00:22:46,767
Uh, why don't you come in
to the fitting room with me?
640
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,034
- With you? No.
641
00:22:48,134 --> 00:22:49,703
- Tom, I've done
your mother's taxes.
642
00:22:49,797 --> 00:22:51,004
There are no secrets
between us.
643
00:22:51,105 --> 00:22:52,105
Now, let's go.
644
00:22:52,205 --> 00:22:53,674
Ring these up. Thanks.
645
00:22:53,773 --> 00:22:55,909
- What are we doing
in the Euro Zone fitting room?
646
00:22:56,009 --> 00:22:58,044
- Tom, this is all
very unexpected,
647
00:22:58,143 --> 00:23:00,914
but your mom seems
very attracted to me.
648
00:23:01,015 --> 00:23:02,449
- Wait, my mom? No.
649
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:04,651
- She went online and posted
this crazy review...
650
00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:05,986
- Oh.
651
00:23:06,085 --> 00:23:07,521
- About how
I'm a great accountant
652
00:23:07,621 --> 00:23:10,190
and very handsome,
all kinds of flattering stuff.
653
00:23:10,289 --> 00:23:12,826
- No, you know, I wouldn't
read too much into that.
654
00:23:12,926 --> 00:23:14,361
She does that a lot.
655
00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:16,563
- Tom, she said I'm the most
bangable accountant
656
00:23:16,663 --> 00:23:17,898
who's ever done her taxes.
657
00:23:17,997 --> 00:23:19,400
- She used the word "bangable"?
658
00:23:19,498 --> 00:23:21,768
- I was so excited
I could barely see straight.
659
00:23:21,867 --> 00:23:23,404
- You know, just slow down.
You're--you're out of control.
660
00:23:23,503 --> 00:23:24,905
You're trying on clothes.
You're--
661
00:23:25,004 --> 00:23:27,140
- Tom,
I have never felt so alive.
662
00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:29,209
This may seem hasty,
663
00:23:29,308 --> 00:23:30,844
but my plan is to divorce
my wife...
664
00:23:30,943 --> 00:23:32,345
- No.
- Quit my job,
665
00:23:32,445 --> 00:23:34,815
and start dating your mom.
- Oh, no.
666
00:23:34,914 --> 00:23:36,282
- You're gonna hear
a lot of sound
667
00:23:36,383 --> 00:23:37,918
coming out of that bedroom.
668
00:23:38,012 --> 00:23:39,986
- This is your plan
based on one Yelp review?
669
00:23:40,086 --> 00:23:42,322
- Oh, Tom, I am so starved
for compliments.
670
00:23:42,422 --> 00:23:44,991
I'll take this to my grave.
671
00:23:46,893 --> 00:23:48,662
- Nelson,
I'm gonna need your seat.
672
00:23:48,756 --> 00:23:50,163
I need to talk to Tom.
- Uh-oh.
673
00:23:50,263 --> 00:23:52,032
Don't want to get
in the middle of this.
674
00:23:52,132 --> 00:23:53,299
Nelson's falling back.
675
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:54,801
- Nelson, don't leave me,
please.
676
00:23:54,895 --> 00:23:56,002
- What did your mom say
to my dad?
677
00:23:56,103 --> 00:23:57,604
- What did she say?
678
00:23:57,704 --> 00:23:59,172
- Yeah, 'cause he's talking
about getting divorced
679
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:00,707
and taking his guitar
more seriously.
680
00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:02,208
He wants to start dating
your mom.
681
00:24:02,308 --> 00:24:03,944
- Oh, yeah, he mentioned that.
682
00:24:04,043 --> 00:24:05,278
It was actually
a misunderstanding.
683
00:24:05,378 --> 00:24:07,514
I wrote half of that stuff.
- What?
684
00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:09,182
- Yeah, I wanted to be
more positive.
685
00:24:09,282 --> 00:24:10,517
- Your mom didn't even
write it?
686
00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,218
- She doesn't like him
on any level.
687
00:24:12,317 --> 00:24:14,220
- She doesn't want to have sex
with my father?
688
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:15,456
- Not--not even a little, no.
689
00:24:15,555 --> 00:24:16,918
- Okay,
you've got to come clean.
690
00:24:17,022 --> 00:24:18,759
You've got to tell my dad
right now
691
00:24:18,858 --> 00:24:19,921
before he does something crazy.
692
00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:21,094
- Oh, no.
693
00:24:21,193 --> 00:24:22,496
No, he seemed so excited.
He was--
694
00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:23,830
- The only way to handle this,
Tom, is,
695
00:24:23,930 --> 00:24:25,098
you go to my father's office...
696
00:24:25,197 --> 00:24:26,567
- No, please.
- Right now,
697
00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:27,968
- And you tell my dad
698
00:24:28,067 --> 00:24:29,803
to his face that he is
an unattractive...
699
00:24:29,902 --> 00:24:31,472
- No.
- Undesirable man
700
00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:34,608
with a bad personality,
and your mom is not interested.
701
00:24:34,707 --> 00:24:37,778
- All right, feels like a
strange thing to hear from me,
702
00:24:37,878 --> 00:24:39,380
but okay.
703
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:41,382
- Tom, why are you going
to Dakota's dad's office?
704
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:43,316
- Oh, I need to clear
something up.
705
00:24:43,415 --> 00:24:45,486
He thinks my mom likes him,
but she doesn't.
706
00:24:45,585 --> 00:24:46,853
- Oh, wow.
707
00:24:46,953 --> 00:24:48,254
- I'm just worried
it's gonna hurt his feelings.
708
00:24:48,354 --> 00:24:49,890
The guy gets criticized
so much.
709
00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:51,658
- Hmm, here's an idea.
- Yeah?
710
00:24:51,758 --> 00:24:53,860
- Tell him that your mom
is not interested,
711
00:24:53,959 --> 00:24:57,130
but someone else is, just to...
just to soften the blow.
712
00:24:57,229 --> 00:25:00,266
- Sounds nice, but who on Earth
would be interested in the guy?
713
00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:01,802
- The lady in the ads.
714
00:25:01,901 --> 00:25:04,371
- The lady in the ads?
- The lady in the ads.
715
00:25:04,470 --> 00:25:05,205
Look.
716
00:25:05,305 --> 00:25:06,773
- Oh, the lady in the ads.
717
00:25:06,873 --> 00:25:09,009
- This woman is clearly looking
for companionship.
718
00:25:09,109 --> 00:25:10,477
- Oh, what an idea.
719
00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:11,778
- This is a win-win situation
right here.
720
00:25:11,878 --> 00:25:13,146
- What a nice thing to do.
721
00:25:13,245 --> 00:25:14,581
- Hold on.
Let me get my burner phone.
722
00:25:14,681 --> 00:25:15,782
Give her a call.
- Here, let's give her a call.
723
00:25:15,882 --> 00:25:17,851
[line trilling]
724
00:25:17,950 --> 00:25:19,352
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
725
00:25:19,452 --> 00:25:20,687
- My name's Denise.
726
00:25:20,787 --> 00:25:21,955
- I'm calling for a friend who,
uh--
727
00:25:22,055 --> 00:25:23,323
- You want to date me?
728
00:25:23,423 --> 00:25:25,091
- Me? What?
- Do you want tit?
729
00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:26,360
- Tit.
- Do you want butt?
730
00:25:26,459 --> 00:25:28,362
- Butt.
- You sound so sexy.
731
00:25:28,461 --> 00:25:29,663
- Really?
- Keep talking.
732
00:25:29,762 --> 00:25:31,031
You're driving me crazy.
733
00:25:31,130 --> 00:25:32,633
She sounds very friendly.
- Ohh.
734
00:25:32,732 --> 00:25:34,267
- Very friendly
and very complimentary.
735
00:25:34,367 --> 00:25:36,302
I think she's perfect.
- Ohh.
736
00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:40,106
- Hello? Dakota's dad?
737
00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:42,242
- Tom?
What are you doing here?
738
00:25:42,342 --> 00:25:43,710
- Hey, sorry to barge in.
739
00:25:43,810 --> 00:25:44,845
I have a confession to make.
740
00:25:44,945 --> 00:25:46,212
- Okay.
741
00:25:46,313 --> 00:25:47,448
- My mom doesn't like you.
742
00:25:47,547 --> 00:25:49,010
She doesn't want to bang you.
743
00:25:49,115 --> 00:25:50,283
She doesn't want to nail you.
- Yeah.
744
00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,185
- She thinks you're gross.
- Uh--
745
00:25:52,284 --> 00:25:53,420
- She thinks you're really
disgusting and...
746
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,622
- I-I-I know, Tom.
- Not sexy.
747
00:25:55,721 --> 00:25:57,090
- Tom, I get it.
748
00:25:57,190 --> 00:25:58,959
- Oh, w--wait.
- I'm one step ahead of you.
749
00:25:59,059 --> 00:26:00,394
- Oh, you know.
750
00:26:00,494 --> 00:26:02,095
- Yeah, I poked around
your mom's Yelp reviews,
751
00:26:02,194 --> 00:26:05,298
and I realized she uses the
word "handsome" quite freely.
752
00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,233
- Yeah, she does like to tell
people they're handsome.
753
00:26:07,333 --> 00:26:09,302
- I mean, she said the plumber
is handsome,
754
00:26:09,402 --> 00:26:11,004
and that guy's worse-looking
than me.
755
00:26:11,104 --> 00:26:12,606
- He's not classically
good-looking.
756
00:26:12,705 --> 00:26:14,475
- No, he's very ugly,
very ugly.
757
00:26:14,574 --> 00:26:16,209
- Well, you seem to be
taking it well.
758
00:26:16,308 --> 00:26:18,344
- Eh, I'm fine.
I'm not getting divorced.
759
00:26:18,445 --> 00:26:19,446
And I'm not quitting my job.
760
00:26:19,546 --> 00:26:20,681
- Oh, that's great to hear.
761
00:26:20,775 --> 00:26:22,248
- I've spent 20 years here
762
00:26:22,349 --> 00:26:23,750
climbing my way to the top.
763
00:26:23,849 --> 00:26:25,151
Why would I throw it away?
[door clicks opens]
764
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:26,252
- Brad,
you've crossed the line.
765
00:26:26,353 --> 00:26:27,320
We're letting you go.
766
00:26:27,420 --> 00:26:29,155
- W-what?
What did I do?
767
00:26:29,255 --> 00:26:30,991
- There is a street-walking
whore lady
768
00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,894
at the reception
demanding to see you.
769
00:26:33,993 --> 00:26:35,996
- Where's my date?
- Oh, no.
770
00:26:36,096 --> 00:26:37,197
- Where's my big Brad?
771
00:26:37,297 --> 00:26:39,199
Where's my big old Brad?
772
00:26:39,298 --> 00:26:41,201
Get your hands off me.
Don't you dare touch me.
773
00:26:41,301 --> 00:26:42,369
- I don't know that woman.
774
00:26:42,469 --> 00:26:44,065
I'm--I'm a happily married man.
775
00:26:44,164 --> 00:26:45,772
- Okay, well, now I know
you're definitely lying,
776
00:26:45,872 --> 00:26:48,174
because you are not
"happily married."
777
00:26:48,275 --> 00:26:50,844
Just pack your shit, Brad.
778
00:26:50,944 --> 00:26:52,579
Pack it.
[door slams shut]
779
00:26:52,678 --> 00:26:54,114
- You know,
why don't I show myself out?
780
00:26:54,213 --> 00:26:55,616
It seems like you've got
a lot going on.
781
00:26:55,715 --> 00:26:57,884
- ? Remember
there's more road ?
782
00:26:57,983 --> 00:26:59,653
? And places to go ?
783
00:26:59,753 --> 00:27:01,688
? And patterns
to contemplate ?
784
00:27:01,788 --> 00:27:03,590
? More people to fornicate ?
785
00:27:03,688 --> 00:27:06,560
? And remember
there's a lot of good omens ?
786
00:27:06,659 --> 00:27:08,462
? Supplying the proof ?
787
00:27:08,561 --> 00:27:11,798
? That our life
is the best joke ever told ?
788
00:27:11,897 --> 00:27:16,302
? Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ?
789
00:27:16,402 --> 00:27:20,240
? Let go and try to be
always abiding ?
790
00:27:20,339 --> 00:27:24,411
? Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ?
791
00:27:24,511 --> 00:27:26,613
? The sweet silver lining ?
792
00:27:26,713 --> 00:27:28,982
? Through you she lives on ?
793
00:27:29,082 --> 00:27:30,551
? And therein lies a truth ?
794
00:27:30,650 --> 00:27:32,953
? We can sip when we want ?
795
00:27:33,052 --> 00:27:34,488
? Disciples of the flow ?
796
00:27:34,587 --> 00:27:37,057
? We can float anywhere ?
797
00:27:37,156 --> 00:27:41,327
? If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles ?
798
00:27:41,377 --> 00:27:45,927
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