All language subtitles for S04E07 - A Merry Heatwave

The older you get, the more you
see the hand of Providence in things.

lt sends us the heat wave,

but not before it equips us in its mercy

with short-sleeved flannelette vests.

Ah! l wish
l were on a long white beach

with palm trees,
a clear blue sea and Dorothy Lamour.

And Nora Batty.

Why do you want Nora Batty
if you've got Dorothy Lamour?

A bloke's got to have
a bit of grit in his diet.

Damned attractive woman,
Dorothy Lamour.

Can't see her taking up with
a small figure in a ferret skin

and a pair of down-at-heel wellies.

Better make that two ferret skins.

But you see, machine-gun mouth,

this is a desert island
and l'm the only bloke what's on it.

Dorothy Lamour would devote her life
to making raffia baskets

before she'd take up with you.

Not if l rescue her from
the slimy clutches of a 40-foot octopus

what is terrorising the natives
until they flee.

Oh, yes? ln a fit of gratitude
she hurls herself at you?

You get the idea.

lnto the clutches of a five-foot octopus

who's been terrorising
the natives round here

for as long as l can remember.

l wish l hadn't seen that.

You don't want to look in there.

lt's horrible. lt's more like...yuck.

Well?

Nothing.

- What do you mean, nothing?
- l mean nothing.

ln this heat you're supposed
to feel something.

- Didn't anything stir?
- Nothing.

lvy, it's a well-known fact

that tropical weather conditions make
European women lose control.

We're out of raspberry ripple.

Another bloody legend gone.

- Yay! Ha-ha-ha!
- Oh, go away.

There's something so unnatural
about seeing grown-up people

holding bits of each other.

Look how it's killed the cinema industry.

- We're married, aren't we?
- Then there's no possible excuse.

Sex is something precious
that you should do with the lights out

without ever getting excited about it.

ln the meantime,
three still lemonades with ice, please.

- lce? You must be joking.
- Oh, let the tap run.

- Oh, hello, Wally.
- Hello, Foggy.

- Hello, Wally.
- How do, Compo?

- Hello, Wally.
- Hello, Cleggy.

Give us two teas, Sidney, please.

ls there something
l could tempt her with?

Wooarr! l know how tha feels.

What does she like, apart from
being miserable and scrubbing steps?

- She's had some bad news.
- Bad news, eh?

l'll say this much.
She's got the face for it.

lf there's anything we can do...

Don't hesitate to ask.

He'll volunteer Cleggy and me
faster than you can say...

That'll do. l know how fast
you can say certain words.

- We don't want any of that.
- l were only gonna say Jock Robinson.

- No.
- Jack Ribinson.

- No.
- Gary Hibbertson.

l thought l'd bring her out.

Have a walk round town,
take her out of herself.

- ls there owt she fancies?
- There's me.

She'd count on her fingers
when newlyweds were having a baby.

There must be something
an ex-military man can do.

You'd better leave her
to get on with her depression.

The women round here
have been trained for it all their lives.

Pessimism is
a female Yorkshire art form.

When you look at the men,
you can see why.

That's right. Put her in a good mood
for the rest of the day.

There's always a slump in my domestic
harmony after you've been in.

l won't have you
insulting my missus in here.

Unless you can do it very quietly.

You know, if it weren't
for the urges of the flesh,

l could forget about women altogether.

The types you've been out with
take some forgetting.

l remember that one you brought
to that barbecue and dance.

- Oh dear.
- What's wrong with him?

- She was very striking.
- She didn't strike me.

- You were too quick for her.
- Oh.

- She came from a good home.
- For unmarried mothers.

ls he still moaning cos she got merry?

Merry? Merry?

lt's the first time l've seen
a vicar scream in mortal terror.

Last l heard, she were in Blackpool.

lf she goes through their hot dogs
that fast, they're in for a short season.

We went to Blackpool for the day
when Mrs Clegg was alive.

Hm. Funny, that.
She was usually more level-headed.

How old do you think a bloke has to be
before the urges in the flesh die down?

Well, speaking personally
and in my own case,

l was nearly 37.

Cor! Right then?

Where did you pick this bird up?

Oh... l met her one sultry afternoon
down the betting shop.

A marriage of true minds.

You can see it. Holding hands
under the ''no spitting'' notice.

l think what she needs
is another woman.

- Sup your tea.
- Did you see that?

l bet that's the first time he's touched her
for years except in self-defence.

The least we can do
is offer her our services.

Stay still. l've been
offering her mine for years.

lvy's coming. That'll cheer her up.

Mind out, Wally. Come on.

What is it, love?

- Oh, love.

By 'eck, that's cheered her up, hasn't it?

They seem to know instinctively
how to enjoy being sad.

lt does women good to let
the old emotions go once in a while.

We men have to hide them
behind a stiff upper lip.

Stiff upper lip?
That looks like an untrimmed flue brush.

ls nobody gonna ask him
why she's weeping?

You don't do that kind of thing.

- Suppose it's personal.
- They're the most interesting.

lt's nothing personal.

- You're supposed to use a little tact.
- Quite.

Has she found out
tha's got another woman?

Nery tactful.

What do l want with another woman?

l sometimes wonder
what you wanted with the first.

Well, you know how it is.

lt happened before l got
seriously interested in pigeons.

Has tha won lately?

l've had bad luck
with my old grey female.

Stop talking about Nora.
l'm talking about the pigeon.

l had a very nice second
this week with a young 'un.

- Lovely.
- Ooh, she's gonna be a dream.

'Ey, l get up at night sometimes
just to go out and have a look at her.

- When l see her..
Now, then.

- Shh.
- l worry about her.

Will nobody tell us why she's weeping?

lt's her brother Billy in Australia.

They say he's not gonna last
till Christmas.

Their Billy's been dying
for the last 15 years.

That's true. l bet there's nobody
more experienced at dying than Billy.

Aye, but this time he seems
to have his heart set on it.

Why's she rushing about
like that in this heat?

Some say it's because
she's a warm-blooded creature

full of restlessness and passion.

Some say it's because she's crackers.

She reckons work takes her mind off it.

lt used to send me peculiar, l know that.

l'm surprised you can remember.

- l've had to graft in my day.
- That was it. One day.

l think old Foggy's had enough.

My back went, didn't it?

Straight round to the bookie's
with the rest of you.

lt seems like only yesterday

that you two were having
this very same discussion.

ln fact, it was only yesterday.

He's always on at me. Gets on my wick.

'Ey up. Listen.

- What's up?
- She's gone quiet.

She'll be up in the bedroom brooding
over her Billy's wedding photograph.

lf you can't get a laugh
from that, you never will.

We'll come back later
when she's in a happier mood.

Stay where you are.

l've invited you here, haven't l?

lsn't a man master in his own house?

You never liked our Billy.

- Neither did you.
- Not when he was well.

Since he's been poorly l've liked him.

We merely came to offer our sympathy.

And ask if you could sew a patch
on my undervest.

- Come away!
- l have to take my shirt off in this heat!

You should read
our Billy's pathetic letter.

His spelling's not improved, then?

Let's go to your house
and get you something to drink.

Like household bleach.

He has great difficulty in passing water.

Can't he move inland?

He's only 53. What kind of an age is 53?

As l remember, it's a lot like 52.

lt gets taken for granted.

You never hear anybody saying
life begins at 53.

Why him? Why our Billy?

l should be leaving. ls that the time?

l ought to be home
before the dustbin lorry comes.

You know how full of life he was,
our Billy.

l hate missing the dustbin lorry.

He was cited three times.

lf his friends got divorced,
they named our Billy.

lt's been nice talking to you, Mrs Batty.
Let go, Mrs Batty.

Now all he dreams about is England.

He'd be happy to go, he says,

if he could just see
one last English Christmas.

- What?
- That's what she said.

One last English Christmas.

With a grip like death on my shirt.

'Ey, he'll never make it.

That's right. Be constructive.

lt stands to reason.

lf their Billy has lost interest in chasing
birds, he's on the final decline.

lt's embarrassing
having Nora hold your shirt.

- She never holds mine.
- lt'd come away in her hands.

l wouldn't mind that.

Letting her see me
all magnificent male in me vest.

Like Marlon Brando
in A Streetcar Named Desire.

More like Dustcart Named Degenerate.

- l wouldn't say that.
- You couldn't. He said it.

What's all this?

Are we about to witness
some midsummer pagan rite?

Well, it's hot. l'm having a wash.

l never thought l'd see the day.

- l don't do it very often.
- We've noticed.

Oh. You're supposed to conserve water.

You must be the water board's
least demanding customer.

Have you got anything cold
in the fridge?

- What fridge?
- l understood you had a fridge.

You were making boastful claims
about having a brand-new fridge.

You were bragging to strangers
at the coffee morning

about the joys of making
brown ale-flavoured ice cream.

So where's the fridge?

He concluded that true happiness

is not to be found
in material possessions.

- Right.
- Oh, they've repossessed it.

That's the last time
they get any business from me.

lf that threat ever leaks out,
it'll send share prices tumbling.

l think l'm losing weight.

These trousers are getting baggier.
lt must be this hot weather.

The hot weather
makes trousers baggier?

No, you daft buttock.

The hot weather makes you eat less
so you lose weight.

So you don't really need a fridge.

No. lt's true.

But l like to keep me wellies in it.

You know, when l'm having a doze
on a hot afternoon.

They used to be lovely by four o'clock.

lce wellies.

That would have baffled them
at casualty on a hot afternoon

if you'd trotted in with frostbite.

- Wait a minute.
- 'Ey up! He's getting another idea.

- Do you think so?
- You can tell - three stages.

One, he goes like that,
two, he gets an idea,

three, he looks for idiots like us
to carry it out.

- l've got an idea.
- Oh.

- Where are you going?
- Leave the door on the latch.

The least you could do is listen to it.

Come back. That man! Come back.

l thought we'd lost him.

A Dewhurst never gives up.

There's a bit of Labrador
in him somewhere.

Ah! l were wondering about his ears.

l suppose you two know
you look ridiculous over there?

lt's lovely standing here
on the cliff edge with the wind whistling.

That's the first time
l've been cool all day.

l tracked you down
from the end of the lane.

Broken twigs, imprints of a welly.
All a trained observer needs.

And the fact that we told you
we were coming up here.

Ah. You didn't say
exactly where, did you?

What's all this brave talk
about a cliff edge?

Both standing there fearlessly
at a drop of two-foot-six.

We tried bigger drops. Too scary.

Where did you two pluck up
the courage to find a bigger drop?

We found the bigger drop
just where you jumped, Foggy.

Fools! You could have killed me.

We can do better than that.

And to show tha's in good hands,

l am just about to give thee

Yorkshire's most unforgettable
kiss of life.

Over my dead body.

With the aid of my cine camera

we'll make a short film
as though it's Christmas

so that Nora's poor brother
can have his last wish.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather have
the kiss of life, Foggy?

Christmas? ln the middle
of a flamin' heat wave?

lt's the sort of deception
the camera could do superbly.

ln the hands of someone
with the necessary technical flair.

You've got about as much flair
as a duck in slippers.

How the hell will you kid anyone
it's Christmas?

The Chamber of Commerce
does it every year.

- l don't like Christmas.
- You might in midsummer.

l thought it was something we could do.

And speaking as a visual artist,

l find the challenge is stimulating.

You'll find yourself locked up
with ideas like that

that have the authentic ring of stupidity.

Go careful. He's very good at stupidity.

For goodness' sake,
stop making difficulties.

lf it'll bring pleasure to
a poor lonely soul in Australia,

we ought to give it a try.

lt's such a dozy idea.

l think it's a good idea.

Now we're all agreed it's a good idea,
let's get on with it.

l shall need a megaphone
and a chair with my name across it.

Cecil B De Dewhurst.

Christmas. Some dozy bird turns up

with a bit of butter and a packet of tea.

When all a bloke like me wants
from a woman full of Christian charity

is a little bit of a tumble
on me lonely sofa.

Anyway, think what it would
save her on wrapping paper.

Wait, wait. Put me down.

Listen. Before you toss me
over that wall, ask yourselves.

Now what is it?

Why is it l'm being tossed over
and not thee?

Because you're the right weight.

Oh.

And if anything goes wrong,
you're dressed for an accident.

l never thought of that.

Come on.

Wait. Wait.

How do we know
there's any holly over there?

There's always holly
in an old churchyard.

lf you went to church more often,
you might notice that kind of thing.

He might notice that everybody
that goes to church regularly

seems to finish up dead
in the graveyard.

Come on, then. Get hold of him.

They gave Hillary
a medal for this, you know.

Can we have our ball back, please?

Where did you get this tree?

One of the small branches
of the Forestry Commission.

- You thieved it?
- Where are we gonna buy one?

Oh, my God. They thieved it.

lt's only one branch.
They've got a whole forest.

Suppose everybody
was to take just one branch?

lt'd look like a bundle of toothpicks.

They're all out there
desperate for a Christmas tree,

the woods are swarming with them.

l will not have you thieving things.

We left a pound note in
an envelope pinned to the tree.

- You didn't?
- We did.

75p would have been
more than enough.

- lt's too hot to play any more.
- We ought to have finished the set.

lt'd be suicidal. Me trying
to jump the net in...this weather.

Be with you in a minute.

Merry Christmas.

l bet they've got holly.

And l bet they've got this huge thing
with great teeth and a fierce growl.

And that's only the lady of the house.

l'm not going in there.

l'm fed up of being slung over walls.

That bride's mother got quite nasty.

What is it about Christmas
that can stir level-headed people

into suddenly drinking British sherry?

People like these are used to
dealing with their own kind.

Obviously l shall go in there

- while you two stay out here.
- Obviously.

What makes you think
they'll sell thee a pound's worth of holly?

Good manners.
The way you approach people.

There's still a place for social graces.

There a dozen little signs

by which they'll recognise me
as one of their own kind.

And the biggest sign of all
would be thee on tha knees

crawling for all tha's worth.

Well.

They say adultery
makes your knees sore.

Who said that?

l remember Tommy Warburton
emptying his soul of such details

at that depressing corner table
in the taproom of the Queen's.

lt was the night before they took him off

to work their surgical magic
on his haemorrhoids.

They say it's haunted, that table.

They say anybody who sits there
for an hour gets suicidal.

Well, Tommy was in a gloomy mood.

l think it's that draught
from the door to the gents.

lt was when he swore
to give up his relationship

with a certain married woman.

Fancy giving them up
when they're certain!

Later l understand he tried
the consolations of religion.

- Did it do any good?
- lt was all right so far.

Then he found that too much praying
made his knees sore.

The human frame is designed for
moderation in all things.

But l feel sorry for
those medical gentlemen

who, despite years of expensive training,
not to mention tailoring,

still have to foregather
on summer mornings

around the hindquarters
of people like Tommy Warburton,

charming as he may be
from almost any other direction.

Will it have any berries on it
at this time of the year?

'Ey up! He's got a sprig or two.

What's this?
We told you to get some holly.

Not a pair of pipe cleaners.

Why didn't you get a pound's worth?

This is a pound's worth.

What? She took that quid?
The whole lot?

'Ey up! No wonder
you live in a big house!

You great dollop! Why didn't you belt
her one and pinch some more?

That is not a gentleman's way.

You've got to admit, Compo,
there's something almost breathtaking

about that haughty contempt for
the economic facts of life.

You'd think he'd be nationalised.

Compo? Compo? Compo?

- He wouldn't?
- Not in broad daylight.

- You should have watched him.
- He's probably gone home.

That's what he'd have done.

He wouldn't be stealing holly in people's
gardens in broad daylight, would he?

Even he wouldn't.

Would he?

Good grief.

Come on.

No. No.

Look, try holding these.

Right. Now, l want you to smile.

A nice big smile.

As though you've just had
a lovely big Christmas dinner.

You're replete, relaxed, content.

How much longer? l'm boiling.

Shut up and do it for our Billy.

lf you're told to smile, smile.

No, no, l want a nice big
after-dinner smile,

not a spasm of indigestion.

Let's try a nice big smile, shall we?

Now, come along, a big smile.

Big Christmas smile, that man!

My ferret smiles more than Wally.

Mark you, it's got summat
to smile about.

l use it for breeding.

Action.

Wally, l want you to reach out
and take one,

slowly, savouring every moment.

Oh, they've all melted!

lt's like dipping your fingers in chutney.

Don't wipe it on your clean hanky!

Leave him alone, woman. lt's Christmas.

No. lt's not Christmas.

l think we need a change.
A completely different scene.

Whitsuntide?

Yes, l think l've got all
the atmosphere l can get here. Ow!

That looked fairly atmospheric.

Oh. l hope you haven't nipped
your career in the bud, Foggy.

- Cecil B.
- Ooh, yeah.

We'd like to have something very light.
Perhaps with salad.

You'll have turkey
and plum pudding and like it.

Two turkey and plum pudding, please.

That man, come closer.

Look, would you er...

Are you wearing your winter hose
or your summer hose?

Look, get on with it.

Keep that space for me.
l'm setting a ten-second delay.

Right. Well, here we go.

And...action. Snow.

Agh!

- What's he saying?
- l don't know.

But it doesn't sound
like a merry Christmas.

l'm stuck. The window's stuck.

They're in a terrible state,
them sash cords.

How many times have l told you?

Where can you find anybody
these days to mend sash cords?

That's right enough.
There isn't any craftsmen left.

And you wouldn't be able to afford 'em.

Would you mind postponing
this discussion on the industry

until you've got me out of this window?

ls tha back crushed?

lt's morbid idiots like you
that gawp at air crashes.

Can you wiggle your toes?

Do you have to pass a test
before they'll let you out?

lf you can wiggle your toes,
your spinal column is all right.

l'm not injured,
it's just getting a bit boring being here.

Get a ladder and push
the window up from the outside

while l push it from the inside.

What we want is a ladder.

Someone can push it up
from the outside

while Sid pushes it up from the inside.

l don't know how
you think up these schemes.

Fix them sash cords!
l've told him a thousand times.

l have to ask you ladies to move.

You don't want to be crushed
by a falling ladder.

You be careful
if you're going up that ladder.

l'm not going up any ladder.

Let's take it back here
where the pavement's more smooth.

Come on. To me. Back.

lt's no good here.
Take it back. Take it back.

Well, lift it.

Are you playing best of three?

Come out of the way.
What are you trying to do, kill him?

All right, don't worry.
lt'll be all right now. That's about it.

l want a volunteer. l'm proud of you.

- Get his coat off.
- Wait a minute.

- l haven't volunteered.
- Don't make a fuss.

l haven't volunteered for anything.
What are you...?

l haven't volunteered...
Who volunteered?

- Come on, get up.
- l get all these jobs.

He's ripped a hole in his trousers.

- Don't look.
- l'm trying not to.

But it draws you
like something mysterious.

lt's just this unusual angle.

Have l got it?

lt's not for either of us
to pass an opinion on.

Never mind your rear numberplate.

You'll need both hands for this window.

What about showing me rear?

Forget about
that other window on the world.

lt's a question of priorities.

Come down, that man. Slowly.
Or turn to face your front.

Stop interfering, Foggy.

Who knows, one day he may
expose himself for England.

Just you keep hold of that ladder!

Push! Push!

l am pushing!

Telegram here from Australia.

lt's about your Billy.

He's a lot better.

He's run off with his nurse.

There's not much point
in her reading it now.

Help me in. l can't go down
hanging out me trousers.

lt's our Billy! lt's our Billy!
He's up and about again.

Oh, great.
A merry Christmas to your Billy.

Sure it was a Colorado beetle?

Listen, frog face, l've seen
enough priests' notice boards

to know what
a Colorado beetle looks like.

We must find it.

Rather than risk life and limb
up there, Foggy,

why not wait for it to come down?

No, we must find it.

They go through vegetation like
socialism goes through money.

What do you know
about the wonders of nature?

He was the only one
in our school who failed dirty jokes.

Listen, Foggy.

lf tha don't come down,

can l have thy Hitler Youth dagger
with the blood on it?

These pests are very destructive.

Aha! The little red devils!

Red?! Colorado beetles
are black and yellow.

Oh, the one l saw
were red with little black spots.

Let's go and get
a bit of sausage for me tea, eh?

Come on, give us a hand.