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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Whoa. Abigail, watch out!
- Aah!
2
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Abigail?
3
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Abigail! No, no!
4
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- Oh, Abigail.
- Ah.
5
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Oh. Are you all right?
6
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That car hit me so hard,
it knocked my shirt clear off.
7
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- What are you doing, Gilbert?
- I'm covering you.
8
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Oh, my goodness.
9
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There.
10
00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:32,555
Thank you.
11
00:00:32,556 --> 00:00:37,099
May I say, your chest
has a lovely personality.
12
00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:39,180
Well, thank you.
Right back at you, milady.
13
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I'm so happy that you're all right.
14
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That driver could have
caused a serious accident.
15
00:00:43,230 --> 00:00:46,025
Oh, that was no accident, Gilbert.
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Someone just tried to murder me.
17
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Gilbert, I don't understand why
I have to do a police report.
18
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It was nothing.
19
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Someone trying to run you
over and leaving you topless
20
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is not nothing.
21
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Who would want to kill you?
22
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I have accused nearly everyone
in New Woodstream of murder,
23
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but I don't see why any of
them would want me dead.
24
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Well, I'm not gonna sit
around here and do nothing
25
00:01:17,340 --> 00:01:19,300
while someone's out
there trying to kill you.
26
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Me "meither."
27
00:01:20,684 --> 00:01:23,436
I meant to say,
"Me neeber." Nope, dang it.
28
00:01:23,437 --> 00:01:25,772
I'm trying to sound reassuring
and I keep fudging it up.
29
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What are we waiting for?
30
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Let's deduce who's trying to murder me.
31
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Ah. Well, it solves itself.
32
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Oh, Aunt Abigail, are you sure
you're not shelving pingers?
33
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- I could be.
- What in the hell is going on here?
34
00:01:39,536 --> 00:01:41,329
Pewntz, you allowed this
woman to come in here
35
00:01:41,330 --> 00:01:43,543
and "crapify" my suspect
board like this?
36
00:01:43,544 --> 00:01:47,110
- This is a mess!
- Shh! I'm percolating. Please.
37
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You're not the police.
38
00:01:48,216 --> 00:01:51,330
Which is why you shouldn't be doing
any of this arts and craft stuff
39
00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:52,460
on my suspect board.
40
00:01:53,554 --> 00:01:55,635
Where is Abigail Mapleworth?
Who is in charge here?
41
00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:58,930
- Jerry?
- Abigail, you're okay. Thank God.
42
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- Mmm!
- Oh!
43
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Jerry!
44
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Everyone, this is my
agent, Jerry Sprinks.
45
00:02:06,270 --> 00:02:07,439
What are you doing here?
46
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I was in the next town over at
my niece's brother's wedding.
47
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Your nephew.
48
00:02:11,777 --> 00:02:15,359
My... Yes. Yes. I don't know
why I said it that way.
49
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,029
But I thought I would come over
50
00:02:17,030 --> 00:02:18,414
and see how the new book is coming in.
51
00:02:18,415 --> 00:02:19,980
When I was checking into the hotel,
52
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,910
someone said you were almost
run over. Are you all right?
53
00:02:22,913 --> 00:02:27,499
Yes, just a little bit of a
bruised ego and a left breast.
54
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:30,619
When that car came at me,
it really knocked my knockers,
55
00:02:30,620 --> 00:02:32,589
but it evened them out,
so that's good news.
56
00:02:32,590 --> 00:02:35,439
Well, I thought I'd come here
and find you as flat as a panini,
57
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,090
but you're not and I'm glad.
58
00:02:37,094 --> 00:02:39,549
- Mmm!
- Ow. Jerry.
59
00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:41,723
- Oh.
- My left beanbag, please.
60
00:02:41,724 --> 00:02:44,935
It's like a gator gave me a mammogram.
61
00:02:44,936 --> 00:02:47,435
Well, how about I finish
checking in at the hotel
62
00:02:47,436 --> 00:02:50,025
and you join me later for a cocktail?
63
00:02:50,026 --> 00:02:53,193
I would love that. After tonight,
I need a good stiff one.
64
00:02:53,194 --> 00:02:55,862
- The stiffer the better.
- Oh. Rock-hard liquor.
65
00:02:55,863 --> 00:02:58,323
Well, it's not hard to lick her
when she's rocking that skirt.
66
00:02:58,324 --> 00:03:02,245
- Oh! Holy innuendo.
- More like, "hardly in her endo."
67
00:03:02,246 --> 00:03:03,259
Oh! Ow.
68
00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:06,503
- Jerry, no!
- Jerry! For the win!
69
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"In your endo."
70
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,378
Oh, agents.
71
00:03:12,216 --> 00:03:13,795
Bad news, everyone.
72
00:03:13,796 --> 00:03:15,756
My septic tank has flooded the basement.
73
00:03:15,757 --> 00:03:17,399
Also, I just got a call
74
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,924
that there's an abandoned
car in the cemetery.
75
00:03:18,926 --> 00:03:21,765
It matches the description of
that car that tried to hit you.
76
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,935
- New Woodstream Cemetery?
- Nope.
77
00:03:23,936 --> 00:03:25,392
- South New Woodstream Cemetery?
- Uh-uh.
78
00:03:25,393 --> 00:03:28,186
- Hilltop Cemetery Annex One?
- Nope.
79
00:03:28,187 --> 00:03:30,270
St. Francis the Blessed
Animal Owner Cemetery?
80
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,310
Stop. Which one?
81
00:03:31,316 --> 00:03:34,067
Oh, it's at the Northwestern
Woodstream Cemetery South.
82
00:03:34,068 --> 00:03:35,613
Let's go, Heidi.
83
00:03:35,614 --> 00:03:37,152
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hm?
84
00:03:37,153 --> 00:03:38,899
That's a potential crime
scene over there.
85
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,282
I don't want you going near that car.
86
00:03:40,283 --> 00:03:42,453
We promise.
87
00:03:42,454 --> 00:03:43,702
Hmm.
88
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:47,369
- Pewntz, tail them.
- Tail?
89
00:03:47,370 --> 00:03:48,620
- Gilbert.
- Yes?
90
00:03:48,630 --> 00:03:50,625
- Tail them now.
- Tell them what?
91
00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:52,835
- Follow them!
- Follow. Follow.
92
00:03:52,836 --> 00:03:54,794
- You mean, "tail." Okay, got it.
- Yeah.
93
00:03:54,795 --> 00:03:56,239
All right, Heidi.
94
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,465
There's the car. Let's get to snooping.
95
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,765
- What are those?
- Soiled tissues.
96
00:04:05,766 --> 00:04:07,330
The driver either has a cold
97
00:04:07,340 --> 00:04:10,310
or likes to play with their stick
shift when they're driving.
98
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:11,438
To the trunk!
99
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:14,979
Ah! My, my, my.
100
00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:17,640
Oh, yeah. This is stalker city.
101
00:04:17,650 --> 00:04:19,529
They tried to cross out my name.
102
00:04:19,530 --> 00:04:21,864
Clearly, someone despises me.
103
00:04:21,865 --> 00:04:24,995
Is that orange nail polish?
104
00:04:24,996 --> 00:04:28,619
Hey, hey! It's me. It's Gilbert. Ah!
105
00:04:28,620 --> 00:04:29,832
You didn't touch anything, right?
106
00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:33,168
Why don't you ask, uh, Puppy Daisy?
107
00:04:34,460 --> 00:04:37,719
These nice ladies didn't do anything.
108
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Anything at all.
109
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Hi, I'm a friendly unicorn.
110
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- Wanna go romp in the grass together?
- Nope.
111
00:04:48,226 --> 00:04:50,394
Great meeting you. Mm.
112
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,983
Heidi, let's go.
113
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:59,379
Yeah, I know you're a badass,
but I'm worried about you.
114
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:01,460
Heidi, no one is going
to try to murder me
115
00:05:01,470 --> 00:05:03,019
with all these people around.
116
00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:05,599
I just wanna have one
nice drink with my agent
117
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,159
and then I'll be home
before you know it.
118
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,300
Okay.
119
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,793
Could you be a dear and
feed all my babies?
120
00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:13,959
- Yeah, sure. Um, where's their food?
- Oh, it's in the kitchen.
121
00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:16,085
Now, Cooper likes a cup of the food
122
00:05:16,086 --> 00:05:18,045
from the purple bag in the red bowl.
123
00:05:18,046 --> 00:05:20,235
And then form it into little meatballs.
124
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:23,133
Izzy likes the leftovers
from my egg fried rice.
125
00:05:23,134 --> 00:05:25,387
Buttercrunch likes his
wet food warmed up,
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00:05:25,388 --> 00:05:27,265
preferably in a body nook.
127
00:05:27,266 --> 00:05:30,435
Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
will eat everything you hand him,
128
00:05:30,436 --> 00:05:32,561
so keep your tampons to yourself.
129
00:05:32,562 --> 00:05:35,340
The Schranz will only
eat freeze-dried treats
130
00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:36,773
that smell like cheese.
131
00:05:36,774 --> 00:05:39,019
They'll be fine. They'll be fine. Um...
132
00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:42,321
- You just stay safe, okay?
- Thank you, dear.
133
00:05:43,489 --> 00:05:46,325
I'm not doing any of that
shit, so who wants pizza?
134
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:51,375
- What can I get you?
- I would like a salty nipple.
135
00:05:51,376 --> 00:05:55,079
And as long as you're pouring,
I'll have another Jack and Coke.
136
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,659
And this time, put some
Jack in it, asshole.
137
00:05:57,660 --> 00:06:00,839
Sir, you have reached your
limit and I'm cutting you off.
138
00:06:04,718 --> 00:06:07,345
- Oh, dear. Oh, my.
- Riffraff!
139
00:06:07,346 --> 00:06:11,603
My apologies for that rude individual.
140
00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:14,063
Your drink is on the house.
141
00:06:14,064 --> 00:06:17,145
- That is not necessary.
- Of course it is.
142
00:06:17,146 --> 00:06:21,189
I've been working up the courage
to tell you that I'm a huge fan.
143
00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:23,119
I own every single one of your books,
144
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,278
even your children's book,
145
00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,615
Inspector Bear and the
Chipmunk Stabbings.
146
00:06:27,616 --> 00:06:29,075
Thank you.
147
00:06:29,076 --> 00:06:30,455
Well, there she is.
148
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,123
Hello there, Mrs. Twat.
149
00:06:32,124 --> 00:06:34,915
Don't "hello" me.
You got my son locked up.
150
00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:38,173
Well, your son hung me from a meat
hook and killed your ex-husband.
151
00:06:38,174 --> 00:06:40,585
My son was a good boy.
152
00:06:40,586 --> 00:06:42,843
And he always gave me
money when I asked for it.
153
00:06:42,844 --> 00:06:47,135
And if he resisted,
I would say, "Puh-weeze."
154
00:06:47,136 --> 00:06:49,803
And he would shit money out like an ATM.
155
00:06:49,804 --> 00:06:52,860
It's like you murdered my
only source of income.
156
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,685
If there weren't so many
people in this bar,
157
00:06:55,686 --> 00:06:59,145
I'd murder you so hard right here!
158
00:06:59,146 --> 00:07:02,695
- Mrs. Twat!
- Go to hell!
159
00:07:02,696 --> 00:07:03,819
Oh.
160
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:07,493
A lot of birds flying
around this place tonight.
161
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:10,075
Kind of makes me wish
I brought my binoculars.
162
00:07:10,076 --> 00:07:12,369
Dang.
163
00:07:21,170 --> 00:07:22,209
Paige.
164
00:07:22,210 --> 00:07:24,381
I thought I smelled burning sulfur.
165
00:07:24,382 --> 00:07:26,089
I followed the slime trail to your seat.
166
00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:27,968
Would you like to make a
statement for the paper
167
00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,305
about your brush with death?
168
00:07:29,306 --> 00:07:32,595
Speaking of brushes, your hair
looks like a merkin from a giant.
169
00:07:32,596 --> 00:07:36,143
There's the sharp wit I've come
to expect from a novella writer.
170
00:07:37,978 --> 00:07:39,021
"Ges-cunt-heidt."
171
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:43,439
- Any details?
- Yes. Uh, one detail:
172
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,206
Fine, if you won't spill the beans,
173
00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:47,070
I will have to get my information el...
174
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,615
Excuse me.
175
00:07:50,616 --> 00:07:53,245
I guess I'm allergic to bullshit.
176
00:07:53,246 --> 00:07:54,495
That was a good one.
177
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:58,089
Hello.
178
00:07:58,090 --> 00:08:00,753
Jerry, thank the Lord.
179
00:08:00,754 --> 00:08:02,419
So sorry that I kept you waiting.
180
00:08:02,424 --> 00:08:05,925
Oh, this is such a parade of
ding-dongs in here tonight.
181
00:08:05,926 --> 00:08:08,635
I will get a virgin margarita
with a shot of tequila.
182
00:08:08,636 --> 00:08:09,676
So a margarita?
183
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,429
Yes. Abigail.
184
00:08:12,430 --> 00:08:16,079
Morty Bundt, the publishing house,
is gonna ask for the advance back
185
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,379
if you don't finish the new book soon.
186
00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:20,640
Jerry, have I ever missed a deadline?
187
00:08:20,646 --> 00:08:23,355
- All the time.
- Oh, fair.
188
00:08:23,356 --> 00:08:24,566
Here is your drink, sir.
189
00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:27,275
- Oh!
- Goddamn it!
190
00:08:27,276 --> 00:08:30,365
This sweater was a Valentine gift
from my uncle's only sister!
191
00:08:30,366 --> 00:08:32,574
- So your mom?
- Oh, shut up.
192
00:08:34,306 --> 00:08:35,494
Oh, that's bleach.
193
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,413
Perfect.
194
00:08:39,414 --> 00:08:41,753
- I gotta change.
- Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.
195
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,209
Oh, poor Jerry.
196
00:08:43,210 --> 00:08:45,499
I feel like I've stressed
out my agent so much
197
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:49,513
and he's such a support with
my career as an author.
198
00:08:49,514 --> 00:08:51,425
Hey, that's not meant for you!
199
00:08:51,426 --> 00:08:53,262
I cut you off!
200
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,683
You can't cut me off.
201
00:09:08,270 --> 00:09:10,439
Death by salty nipple!
202
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:14,450
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.MY-SUBS.com --
15319
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