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1
00:00:06,772 --> 00:00:09,841
My name is Amy,
and it's my show!
2
00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:14,278
♪ Man ♪
3
00:00:14,313 --> 00:00:16,447
♪ Uh ♪
4
00:00:16,482 --> 00:00:17,682
♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪
5
00:00:17,716 --> 00:00:19,517
♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪
6
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:22,687
♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪
7
00:00:22,721 --> 00:00:24,221
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
8
00:00:24,256 --> 00:00:25,957
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
9
00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:27,358
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
10
00:00:27,393 --> 00:00:28,993
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
11
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:30,595
♪ Man, I been did that ♪
12
00:00:30,630 --> 00:00:32,330
♪ Man, I been popped off ♪
13
00:00:32,364 --> 00:00:34,132
♪ And if she ain't trying
to give it ♪
14
00:00:34,166 --> 00:00:35,700
♪ Then she get dropped off ♪
15
00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:37,302
♪ Let me bust that U-ie ♪
16
00:00:37,336 --> 00:00:38,870
♪ Bitch bust that open ♪
17
00:00:38,904 --> 00:00:40,272
♪ Might spend a couple thou' ♪
18
00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:41,873
♪ Just to bust that open ♪
19
00:00:43,309 --> 00:00:45,110
You know her
from her hit TV show.
20
00:00:45,144 --> 00:00:47,212
You loved her
in the movie "Trainwreck."
21
00:00:47,246 --> 00:00:49,147
Harlem, it's time
to give it up
22
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:54,319
for the one and only
Amy Schumer!
23
00:00:54,353 --> 00:00:56,154
♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪
24
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:57,989
♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪
25
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:01,326
♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪
26
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:02,460
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
27
00:01:02,494 --> 00:01:04,396
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
28
00:01:04,430 --> 00:01:05,830
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
29
00:01:05,864 --> 00:01:08,166
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
30
00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:11,369
Get up!
Get the fuck up, Apollo!
31
00:01:11,403 --> 00:01:13,070
Come on!
32
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:21,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
33
00:01:23,949 --> 00:01:25,750
Thank you!
34
00:01:25,785 --> 00:01:28,886
Please, sit, I--
I would never ask
35
00:01:28,921 --> 00:01:30,988
you to stand.
I can't believe
36
00:01:31,023 --> 00:01:32,657
you all stood...
37
00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:36,627
of your own volition,
thank you.
38
00:01:36,662 --> 00:01:39,064
That's never happened.
39
00:01:43,602 --> 00:01:46,738
Thank you so much
for being here.
40
00:01:46,772 --> 00:01:49,240
This has been
an insane year for me.
41
00:01:49,274 --> 00:01:52,343
I started out-- I made
two New Year's resolutions.
42
00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,679
I, uh...
Number one,
43
00:01:54,713 --> 00:01:56,314
I wanted to catfish someone.
44
00:01:56,348 --> 00:01:59,384
Did it, loved it,
recommend it.
45
00:02:01,954 --> 00:02:03,688
And number two
was to this year
46
00:02:03,722 --> 00:02:05,623
just once take off
a pair of underwear
47
00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:08,593
and have it not look
like I blew my nose in it.
Now...
48
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:15,266
Same? Same?
49
00:02:17,169 --> 00:02:19,537
No? You're
kind of like, "No, no."
50
00:02:20,839 --> 00:02:22,373
So you find a pair
of underwear on the floor
51
00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:24,876
and you're like,
"How do I know
if I wore it?"
52
00:02:24,910 --> 00:02:27,345
Please, you know. You know.
53
00:02:28,981 --> 00:02:31,483
She knows.
54
00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:33,017
I'm like,
"Oh, cool they filmed
55
00:02:33,052 --> 00:02:35,620
"'Charlotte's Web'
in my underwear, wow.
56
00:02:37,156 --> 00:02:39,357
'Salutations'? Okay."
57
00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:45,830
I don't know why the guys
look grossed out.
58
00:02:45,864 --> 00:02:50,234
Your underwear looks like
a coal miner wiped
their brow...
59
00:02:50,268 --> 00:02:53,270
at the end
of a shift, a long shift.
60
00:02:54,873 --> 00:02:58,809
So my name is Amy,
and I'm at the Apollo. Um...
61
00:02:58,844 --> 00:03:01,913
Right?
62
00:03:01,947 --> 00:03:04,883
You guys all look like
you're from this neighborhood.
63
00:03:06,485 --> 00:03:10,221
So... Here's how
I wound up here. Okay?
64
00:03:10,255 --> 00:03:12,857
Let me just catch you up.
65
00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:16,561
My two front teeth
didn't fall out
66
00:03:16,595 --> 00:03:18,563
until I was in fifth grade.
67
00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:26,104
Which is late.
68
00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:31,943
And that same week,
I got my period.
69
00:03:35,347 --> 00:03:38,115
Which is early!
70
00:03:38,150 --> 00:03:40,585
So I was just like
this jack-o'-lantern
71
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:43,888
with tits walking around,
like...
72
00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:53,364
Trick or treat.
73
00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:58,068
I was like Pinocchio
transitioning to a donkey.
74
00:03:58,103 --> 00:04:01,439
I was like,
"Hee-haw!"
75
00:04:04,810 --> 00:04:07,912
And I had one of those
really cool moms who told me,
76
00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:10,615
"You don't need to shave
above your knee,
77
00:04:10,649 --> 00:04:13,351
just... here down."
78
00:04:13,385 --> 00:04:18,289
So here up,
I was just a werewolf, just...
79
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:22,327
Mr. Tumnus here to here.
80
00:04:24,363 --> 00:04:27,064
Benicio Del Toro...
81
00:04:27,099 --> 00:04:29,934
beneath my torso.
82
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:34,139
I'm so happy to be filming
my special here in New York.
83
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:36,774
I grew up here,
I was born here,
84
00:04:36,808 --> 00:04:39,510
um, did my first
everything here,
85
00:04:39,545 --> 00:04:42,180
um, still no anal...
86
00:04:42,214 --> 00:04:45,316
But I just love New York,
87
00:04:45,350 --> 00:04:47,751
'cause it's a town
where I can get laid.
88
00:04:47,786 --> 00:04:53,458
Like, I can catch a "D" here
kinda whenevs, yeah.
89
00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:58,663
And, uh, I was in LA
for a little while, and, um...
90
00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:00,498
can't, can't there.
91
00:05:00,532 --> 00:05:02,366
Uh...
92
00:05:02,401 --> 00:05:04,903
Just in case you've
never been to LA,
93
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:08,239
it is, um, filled with
the most beautiful people
94
00:05:08,273 --> 00:05:10,441
from all over the world.
95
00:05:10,475 --> 00:05:13,311
So, picture the most beautiful
girl in your high school,
96
00:05:13,345 --> 00:05:15,212
like the one
that you wanted to be.
97
00:05:15,247 --> 00:05:17,115
Okay? I'm talking
to the guys right now.
98
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:20,951
And everybody was like,
"You're too pretty
99
00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:24,855
for Buffalo, Brittany,
go to LA. Go."
100
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:27,392
Everyone is hot there.
101
00:05:27,426 --> 00:05:28,592
Everybody, okay.
102
00:05:28,627 --> 00:05:31,729
I saw a guy, he was cleaning
up a Pizza Hut bathroom.
103
00:05:31,763 --> 00:05:33,497
I would have paid
this guy to fuck me.
104
00:05:33,532 --> 00:05:37,001
I would have paid
him good money.
105
00:05:38,470 --> 00:05:40,137
I don't-- People don't
even see me there.
106
00:05:40,172 --> 00:05:41,506
Like, I just--
They're just like,
107
00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:44,809
"Is that a fat tumbleweed?
Like, what's..."
108
00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:46,911
My body type there,
they're like--
109
00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:49,747
My arms register
as legs there.
110
00:05:49,781 --> 00:05:51,649
They're just...
111
00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:53,418
They're like,
"Is that an octopus?
112
00:05:53,452 --> 00:05:55,453
I don't understand."
113
00:05:55,487 --> 00:05:57,322
And my legs register
as firewood.
114
00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:59,156
They're just like...
115
00:05:59,191 --> 00:06:02,260
like, "Why is the BFG
on Sunset?" Just...
116
00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:08,566
It got to the point--
I was in LA, I was so excited.
117
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,735
Somebody tweeted
about another actress.
118
00:06:10,769 --> 00:06:13,170
They were like,
"She looks like
a fat Amy Schumer,"
119
00:06:13,205 --> 00:06:15,373
and I was like, "Yes!"
120
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:20,077
"It's not me!"
121
00:06:20,111 --> 00:06:21,812
It's so insanely---
122
00:06:21,847 --> 00:06:23,714
Like, if I go
on an audition in New York,
123
00:06:23,748 --> 00:06:26,651
it's for, like, the cute girl
you didn't notice
124
00:06:26,685 --> 00:06:29,787
'cause she was, like,
wearing khakis or something.
125
00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:31,756
Like, "There can't be
a pussy under there,
126
00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:33,691
those are khakis."
127
00:06:36,528 --> 00:06:37,561
How would that even work?
128
00:06:37,595 --> 00:06:40,331
But then in LA,
I'll be in a waiting room,
129
00:06:40,365 --> 00:06:41,598
they're like, um,
"Amy, it says here--
130
00:06:41,633 --> 00:06:43,534
"Are you reading for the girl
getting gastric bypass?
131
00:06:43,568 --> 00:06:46,204
Is that correct?"
132
00:06:46,238 --> 00:06:48,105
"Amy, who did you-- Did you
play Gilbert Grape's mom?
133
00:06:48,140 --> 00:06:50,175
I can't place you."
134
00:06:54,179 --> 00:06:55,680
I'm like, "No."
They're like,
135
00:06:55,714 --> 00:06:57,014
"Okay, well,
you didn't get the part.
136
00:06:57,048 --> 00:06:59,116
"But do you want us to put
a hose on you, keep you moist,
137
00:06:59,150 --> 00:07:01,251
so we can return
you to the sea, Blackfish?"
138
00:07:04,022 --> 00:07:05,356
It's fucked up.
139
00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:08,793
And that's not how it is
for the dudes at all, okay?
140
00:07:08,827 --> 00:07:11,128
Like, I just happened
to see the movie "Zookeeper."
141
00:07:11,162 --> 00:07:12,763
Did you ever see that movie?
142
00:07:12,798 --> 00:07:14,799
Okay, if you didn't,
don't, all right?
143
00:07:14,833 --> 00:07:17,802
Don't see that. But...
144
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:22,039
So "Zookeeper" is about
talking animals, okay?
145
00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:25,409
And the male
romantic lead is...
146
00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:27,979
Kevin James.
147
00:07:28,013 --> 00:07:29,681
Um...
148
00:07:31,516 --> 00:07:32,383
Oh, my God, I know.
149
00:07:32,417 --> 00:07:34,118
Is it wet in here,
ladies, or is it us?
150
00:07:36,221 --> 00:07:37,822
The real King James.
151
00:07:37,856 --> 00:07:40,391
And, uh...
152
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,697
And Kevin James is dating
a beautiful, blonde skeleton.
153
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:48,700
And...
154
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:52,236
And he's sad because
sometimes she's mean to him.
155
00:07:52,270 --> 00:07:55,005
And then...
156
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,042
the girl who is
in love with him,
157
00:07:58,076 --> 00:08:01,178
who he doesn't notice,
who's been there all along,
158
00:08:01,212 --> 00:08:02,647
waiting in the wings,
159
00:08:02,681 --> 00:08:05,916
is Rosario Dawson...
160
00:08:07,686 --> 00:08:11,556
arguably the most
fuckable actress ever.
161
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:14,392
Rosario Dawson is just,
like, working at the zoo,
162
00:08:14,426 --> 00:08:16,227
just, like, sweeping
up koala shit.
163
00:08:16,261 --> 00:08:19,096
Like,
"Please fuck me, Kevin James."
164
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:26,904
"Why won't Kevin James
give me his dick?"
165
00:08:26,939 --> 00:08:28,405
And he's like,
166
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,241
"Ew, you're wearing
khakis, never."
167
00:08:34,012 --> 00:08:36,447
Like, that movie's
about talking animals.
168
00:08:36,481 --> 00:08:39,851
There is a beaver
and a penguin that are friends
169
00:08:39,885 --> 00:08:41,653
and talk about opening
a bed and breakfast.
170
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:45,790
But that's not
the most unrealistic part
of that movie.
171
00:08:45,824 --> 00:08:48,159
It's Rosario
pretending--
172
00:08:48,193 --> 00:08:50,795
She should get an Oscar
for that fucking movie.
173
00:08:50,829 --> 00:08:53,430
Let's see Meryl do that.
174
00:08:53,465 --> 00:08:55,132
I dare you, Meryl.
175
00:08:55,166 --> 00:08:59,403
Pretend like
you're dying to have
Kevin James deep dick you.
176
00:08:59,437 --> 00:09:02,239
I... I dare you.
177
00:09:02,274 --> 00:09:03,708
It's fucked up in Hollywood.
178
00:09:03,742 --> 00:09:06,977
That's why I-- I wrote a movie
last year and I, uh...
179
00:09:07,011 --> 00:09:10,982
Yeah, thank you.
180
00:09:11,016 --> 00:09:13,050
Thanks. I did it.
181
00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:15,486
And I went like that,
and then send,
182
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:19,490
and I'm a hero and, uh...
183
00:09:19,524 --> 00:09:21,625
But they were like,
"We're gonna make your movie."
184
00:09:21,659 --> 00:09:22,993
And I was like,
"Oh, my God,
185
00:09:23,027 --> 00:09:26,063
this is so great,
'cause I love money."
186
00:09:26,097 --> 00:09:27,898
Um...
187
00:09:27,933 --> 00:09:31,235
So I wrote this movie and, uh,
188
00:09:31,269 --> 00:09:33,504
and I just assumed
that they would cast,
189
00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:35,640
like, a beautiful
model-y actress
190
00:09:35,674 --> 00:09:38,342
to play the lead role and, uh,
191
00:09:38,376 --> 00:09:41,078
you know, like
a Blake Lively or like a...
192
00:09:41,113 --> 00:09:43,413
Sofía Vergara...
193
00:09:43,448 --> 00:09:45,650
Verge... Verchair...
194
00:09:45,684 --> 00:09:48,185
Vergina... and, uh,
195
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:51,155
and then I'd be on set
just as, like, a writer
196
00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:53,457
with, like, a messy bun
and a laptop like,
197
00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:55,459
"Um, Miss Lively,
the line's actually
198
00:09:55,493 --> 00:09:56,761
'My pussy hurts.'"
199
00:09:56,795 --> 00:09:59,397
And...
200
00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:05,236
And she'd be like,
"Why is there
a garden gnome on set?"
201
00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:06,571
And, um...
202
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,874
And I would just, like,
stumble back to my sad office.
203
00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:13,043
But... they were like,
204
00:10:13,077 --> 00:10:15,546
"No, we want you
to be in the movie."
205
00:10:15,580 --> 00:10:17,749
And I was like,
"Oh, my God. Me?"
206
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,183
They were like, "Yes."
207
00:10:19,217 --> 00:10:21,318
They were like,
"We just need you
to do three things.
208
00:10:21,353 --> 00:10:24,121
"One, just be yourself.
209
00:10:25,824 --> 00:10:27,959
"Two, have fun.
210
00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:31,596
And three, stop eating food."
211
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:34,264
And I was like,
"Wait a minute!
212
00:10:34,299 --> 00:10:36,767
I'm sorry, don't people
need food to live?"
213
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:39,036
They were like,
"That's a myth."
214
00:10:40,805 --> 00:10:42,339
So, I was like, "Okay."
215
00:10:42,374 --> 00:10:43,941
And they were like,
"No. You promise?"
216
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,577
I was like,
"You guys...
217
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:47,978
"like, I don't
even like food.
218
00:10:48,013 --> 00:10:49,547
"I was just eating it
'cause I was bored.
219
00:10:49,581 --> 00:10:50,881
"Like, ugh.
220
00:10:50,915 --> 00:10:53,317
Who wants to, like, chew
and eat food all the time?"
221
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:56,353
Me. I do.
222
00:10:56,387 --> 00:11:00,624
It turns out,
I need food and, uh...
223
00:11:00,658 --> 00:11:02,993
So they got me a trainer.
224
00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:05,295
And I've never
had a trainer before,
225
00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,164
and this guy is the trainer.
226
00:11:07,198 --> 00:11:11,068
He's like, trains all
the Hemsworthses and, um...
227
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:16,540
...like, Megan Fox
and, like, an actual fox.
228
00:11:16,574 --> 00:11:18,809
Like, everything
that you wanna fuck,
229
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:22,145
this guy has gotten
his mitts on, and, uh...
230
00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:25,349
And so, we're meeting
for the first time,
231
00:11:25,383 --> 00:11:29,019
and I can really picture him,
like, it was like slow-mo.
232
00:11:29,054 --> 00:11:31,856
I saw him see me and wince.
233
00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:34,792
Like, "Ooh. Um..."
234
00:11:34,826 --> 00:11:37,428
He wasn't used
to this kind of cargo.
235
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,229
So, he's walking toward me
236
00:11:39,264 --> 00:11:42,165
and he's smiling at me,
like, trying to be brave
237
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,801
like you would for,
like, a burn victim.
238
00:11:43,835 --> 00:11:45,603
Like, he's like...
239
00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:51,809
"I can see there's a human
under there somewhere."
240
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:54,611
And, uh...
241
00:11:54,646 --> 00:11:56,680
And like, I-- I see him
looking at me
242
00:11:56,714 --> 00:11:58,949
and I know he's, like,
assessing what's up with me.
243
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:00,717
So I'm trying to make muscles
244
00:12:00,752 --> 00:12:02,653
that, like, my body
doesn't even support.
245
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:03,921
I'm just like...
246
00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:05,956
Like, I look like one
of those inflatable things
247
00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:07,925
outside a car wash
that are like...
248
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,527
I'm like...
249
00:12:09,561 --> 00:12:11,228
And, uh...
250
00:12:11,262 --> 00:12:13,163
And so...
251
00:12:13,197 --> 00:12:16,467
he gives me this,
um, this, like, questionnaire.
252
00:12:16,501 --> 00:12:17,601
He's like, "Okay.
253
00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:19,437
How many drinks
do you have in a week?"
254
00:12:19,471 --> 00:12:21,739
And I'm like-- you know
how you get just, like,
255
00:12:21,773 --> 00:12:23,774
just once in a while,
you're like,
256
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:25,843
"What if I'm just honest
for the fuck of it?"
257
00:12:25,877 --> 00:12:27,311
Like, "What if I just...
258
00:12:27,345 --> 00:12:29,980
What if I keep it real
with this guy right now?"
259
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,117
So, I'm like...
260
00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:34,519
"36."
261
00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:44,528
"36."
262
00:12:44,562 --> 00:12:46,097
And, uh...
263
00:12:46,131 --> 00:12:47,598
And he's like, "No, alcohol."
264
00:12:47,632 --> 00:12:49,133
And I'm like, "No, alcohol."
265
00:12:51,302 --> 00:12:53,203
And...
266
00:12:53,238 --> 00:12:54,505
And, uh, he's like,
267
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:57,174
"All right, take me through
what you eat in a day."
268
00:12:57,208 --> 00:13:00,578
And he stops me at noon.
269
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:03,514
Like, he had heard enough.
270
00:13:03,548 --> 00:13:05,116
He's like, "I get it."
271
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:06,683
So...
272
00:13:08,987 --> 00:13:11,655
And then he's like,
"Okay, well, here's
your new diet, all right?
273
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:14,258
"So for breakfast,
you'll have a smoothie.
274
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,394
"And then for lunch,
you'll journal
275
00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:19,096
"about that smoothie.
276
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:22,265
"And then, you put a peanut
under your pillow
277
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,001
and you hope
you dream about pizza."
278
00:13:24,035 --> 00:13:25,135
And I'm like...
279
00:13:27,672 --> 00:13:30,508
I'm like, "Um, I kind of
have to stop you here.
280
00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:35,178
"It's sounding like
at times I will be hungry.
281
00:13:35,213 --> 00:13:37,781
"Um...
282
00:13:37,815 --> 00:13:40,951
Did I miss a couple
of courses in there? Uh..."
283
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,386
And he had to explain to me,
284
00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:46,023
like, "No, sometimes
people are hungry."
285
00:13:46,057 --> 00:13:48,125
And I'm like, "Oh, my God.
Well, where are they?
286
00:13:48,159 --> 00:13:49,559
Can we bring them food?"
287
00:13:49,594 --> 00:13:52,463
Like, "I've got some extra
stuff in my apartment,
288
00:13:52,497 --> 00:13:55,565
like, not a lot--
Actually, let's just
get them their own food."
289
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:56,733
Um...
290
00:13:57,902 --> 00:13:59,770
And, like, that's
the secret I found out.
291
00:13:59,804 --> 00:14:01,405
Like, that's
Hollywood's secret.
292
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,875
They don't put food
in their faces,
293
00:14:04,909 --> 00:14:07,778
and that's not
an option for me.
294
00:14:07,812 --> 00:14:09,813
Like, I don't know
how it was...
295
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:11,648
how it was in your house
growing up, but in our--
296
00:14:11,683 --> 00:14:12,984
in my house,
it was, like,
297
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:15,886
you would eat till
you were in a lot of pain...
298
00:14:18,890 --> 00:14:21,125
then you'd take,
like, a little breather...
299
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:26,397
and you get yourself back
in even more pain, right?
300
00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:29,900
Like, I was born weighing 150.
301
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,435
Like, I just
came out swinging.
302
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,370
Like, "Give me linguine, Ma!"
303
00:14:39,577 --> 00:14:41,512
That's how it's been.
304
00:14:41,546 --> 00:14:44,081
Like, I have never
in my life--
305
00:14:44,115 --> 00:14:46,083
I've never said
this sentence in my life--
306
00:14:46,117 --> 00:14:49,253
I've never said, "Oh, my God.
I forgot to have lunch today."
307
00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:51,121
Like, never in my life.
308
00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:54,091
If anything, I've been like,
309
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:56,861
"Oh, shit.
I had two lunches today...
310
00:14:59,063 --> 00:15:01,098
that lunch
and that other lunch."
311
00:15:01,132 --> 00:15:02,399
Um...
312
00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:07,037
So I was like,
"I don't think I can do
this not eating thing.
313
00:15:07,071 --> 00:15:10,274
"What if I... just develop
an eating disorder?
314
00:15:10,308 --> 00:15:13,477
Like, I'm a white girl.
I can do it, you know?"
315
00:15:14,812 --> 00:15:16,947
So, I, uh,
I made a decision.
316
00:15:16,981 --> 00:15:19,450
I was like, "I'm gonna get
a late-in-life
eating disorder."
317
00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:20,984
And...
318
00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:24,655
So I binged regularly,
and, uh...
319
00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:27,124
and then I was like,
"Here we go.
320
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:29,960
First day pukin'."
321
00:15:29,994 --> 00:15:33,164
And... and my body
was like, "No, bitch.
322
00:15:34,799 --> 00:15:36,900
No, we keep our food here."
323
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:44,007
It turns out that's not
available to everybody.
324
00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:46,643
What was available
to me was
325
00:15:46,678 --> 00:15:49,747
popping all the blood vessels
in my left eye.
326
00:15:53,184 --> 00:15:54,417
So...
327
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:59,389
Not only...
was I super bloated,
328
00:15:59,423 --> 00:16:02,359
but then I had
this weird, dead lizard eye.
329
00:16:06,698 --> 00:16:08,298
People thought
I was an oracle.
330
00:16:08,332 --> 00:16:09,933
They were like...
331
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,668
asking about their future.
332
00:16:11,702 --> 00:16:13,436
And I was like,
"I'm just hungry.
333
00:16:13,471 --> 00:16:14,872
"I don't know.
334
00:16:14,906 --> 00:16:16,907
I don't know
about your future."
335
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:18,142
So I...
336
00:16:18,176 --> 00:16:21,311
Even from just not drinking,
I did, I lost like ten pounds.
337
00:16:21,346 --> 00:16:25,082
And this trainer acted like
he taught Helen Keller
how to read.
338
00:16:25,116 --> 00:16:29,286
He was like, "There she is.
There's my girl."
339
00:16:32,457 --> 00:16:35,860
So I showed up
to film this movie
340
00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:39,363
and I was like,
"I think I'm a model now."
341
00:16:39,397 --> 00:16:40,931
Like, ten--
I was seriously--
342
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:43,334
I think a lot
of girls are like this.
343
00:16:43,368 --> 00:16:45,436
I-- We have like
a sneaking suspicion,
344
00:16:45,470 --> 00:16:46,637
like, in the back
of our heads,
345
00:16:46,671 --> 00:16:50,874
like, "Am I maybe gorgeous?"
346
00:16:55,379 --> 00:16:57,514
"I think I'm gorgeous."
347
00:16:59,116 --> 00:17:00,183
Right?
348
00:17:03,354 --> 00:17:06,357
I'm gorgeous,
but I just haven't stumbled
349
00:17:06,391 --> 00:17:09,226
on the right hairdo,
you know?
350
00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:11,228
But one day,
on a whim I'll just, like,
351
00:17:11,262 --> 00:17:12,863
cut bangs
and everybody will be like,
352
00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:14,331
"Damn!"
And I'll be like,
353
00:17:14,365 --> 00:17:16,801
"Oh, my God, like, treat
me the same, you guys."
354
00:17:21,138 --> 00:17:24,508
"I'm the same
person under here."
355
00:17:24,542 --> 00:17:26,677
And they're like,
"We can't, we're too hard,"
356
00:17:26,711 --> 00:17:27,978
and I'm like, "I get it."
357
00:17:28,012 --> 00:17:30,614
But then...
358
00:17:30,649 --> 00:17:34,218
But then my stunt double
was a guy. Um...
359
00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:40,057
I-- I thought I was so cool
that I had a stunt double.
360
00:17:40,091 --> 00:17:41,926
I was just like--
I walked into set like,
361
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,494
"Where is she?"
and they were like,
362
00:17:43,528 --> 00:17:44,861
"That's Troy."
363
00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:46,897
And he was dipping
and had a beard.
364
00:17:51,536 --> 00:17:53,036
I was like, "That's me?"
365
00:17:53,070 --> 00:17:56,406
They were like,
"That's you!"
366
00:17:56,641 --> 00:17:58,408
Totally tried
to have sex with him.
367
00:17:58,442 --> 00:18:00,010
Um...
368
00:18:00,044 --> 00:18:02,813
I'll admit that
to you fine people.
369
00:18:02,847 --> 00:18:05,683
I learned, and I should
have already known this
370
00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:09,186
because I've been on the road
doing stand up for 11 years,
371
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:11,088
and-- Thank you.
372
00:18:11,122 --> 00:18:13,657
Now I get to be here.
373
00:18:15,826 --> 00:18:18,929
And I-- This is gonna
make some of you gasp.
374
00:18:18,963 --> 00:18:22,465
I have never gotten laid
after a show, okay?
375
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:26,136
I know,
but that is the truth.
376
00:18:26,170 --> 00:18:30,707
Male stand-ups-- puss as far
as the eye can see, okay?
377
00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:35,479
And female comics--
it is not that way.
378
00:18:35,513 --> 00:18:39,616
What I'm saying
is I'm not in this
for the dick, okay?
379
00:18:39,650 --> 00:18:41,952
'Cause it--
I mean, I would be
380
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:44,388
if it had led to that,
but that's not what happens.
381
00:18:44,422 --> 00:18:48,224
The stunt guy, it's not
my fault I tried to fuck him.
382
00:18:48,259 --> 00:18:50,360
He was very hot.
383
00:18:50,394 --> 00:18:52,395
I'm hot as a guy,
it turns out, and...
384
00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:56,533
He was from South Africa,
and I'm just, like,
385
00:18:56,567 --> 00:18:59,369
such a sucker
for an accent, you know?
386
00:18:59,403 --> 00:19:02,372
Like, an English guy
or, like, a deaf guy?
387
00:19:02,406 --> 00:19:04,808
Mmm.
388
00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:07,244
Mmm!
389
00:19:07,278 --> 00:19:11,248
That was a test to see
if you were bad people...
390
00:19:11,449 --> 00:19:13,784
which you are.
391
00:19:13,818 --> 00:19:15,119
Um...
392
00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:16,487
I do feel bad about that.
393
00:19:16,521 --> 00:19:18,588
My mom's a speech
and hearing therapist
for the deaf,
394
00:19:18,622 --> 00:19:21,058
and she's gonna hear that,
but they won't.
395
00:19:21,092 --> 00:19:22,826
So...
396
00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:24,361
Cheers, you guys,
thanks for coming out.
397
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:32,269
I know that, um,
398
00:19:32,303 --> 00:19:34,904
some of you are here
by accident and I'm sorry.
399
00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:36,306
Uh...
400
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,575
The Apollo is a beautiful
theater with subscribers,
401
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:43,047
so some of you thought
you were seeing "Godspell"
tonight, but...
402
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:46,150
Like, I have no information.
I have no...
403
00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:49,753
I don't know what's going on
in the news, ever,
like, at all.
404
00:19:49,787 --> 00:19:52,590
My friends do.
They're very smart
405
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:54,959
and they're up to date,
and, like, I try to chime in.
406
00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:57,061
Like, they were all
very upset about Ferguson,
407
00:19:57,095 --> 00:20:00,097
and I was like,
"I know, I can't believe
he left the show.
408
00:20:00,131 --> 00:20:04,134
"Um... I don't know
about this new guy.
409
00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:07,237
What do you guys think?"
And they were like...
410
00:20:07,271 --> 00:20:10,340
I kept telling
people I was gonna do
an ISIS bucket challenge.
411
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,675
Like, I...
412
00:20:13,811 --> 00:20:15,979
I'm doing the UTI
challenge right now.
413
00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:18,215
Can you...
414
00:20:18,249 --> 00:20:19,416
Thank you.
415
00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:20,651
Thank you.
416
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,722
A UTI, in case
you don't know,
417
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,691
it is not a college online.
418
00:20:27,725 --> 00:20:32,896
It is...
a urinary tract infection,
419
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:37,367
and, um, I just got
my first UTI at 33.
420
00:20:37,401 --> 00:20:39,770
Woman: What?!
Yes--
I made it this far.
421
00:20:39,804 --> 00:20:41,271
I know,
unbelievable, right?
422
00:20:41,473 --> 00:20:43,406
33, first--
And nobody tells you
423
00:20:43,441 --> 00:20:45,009
how embarrassing
it's gonna be
424
00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:47,277
'cause no one's like,
"How'd you get it?"
425
00:20:47,311 --> 00:20:48,812
Like, you know how I got it.
426
00:20:50,682 --> 00:20:52,382
I had sex...
427
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:55,719
and then I was too lazy
to pee right after.
428
00:20:57,855 --> 00:21:01,658
I chose to lay there,
like a cum dumpster,
429
00:21:01,693 --> 00:21:04,961
just...
430
00:21:10,134 --> 00:21:11,602
Just a receptacle.
431
00:21:11,636 --> 00:21:15,739
Was I savoring the moment?
What was I doing?
432
00:21:15,773 --> 00:21:17,006
And I didn't
want to use condoms,
433
00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:18,442
'cause I'm like,
"What if I'm allergic?"
434
00:21:18,476 --> 00:21:20,610
Like, I don't want
to risk, you know?
435
00:21:24,683 --> 00:21:27,016
A UTI,
it's so embarrassing,
436
00:21:27,051 --> 00:21:29,787
and then everyone's like,
"Just drink cranberry juice,"
437
00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:31,922
and that doesn't work at all.
438
00:21:31,956 --> 00:21:35,158
And if you order it,
everybody knows what's up.
439
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:37,094
You're, like,
at a steakhouse...
440
00:21:40,198 --> 00:21:42,065
"Yeah, the fillet and, uh...
441
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:45,302
Can I have
a cranberry juice? Um..."
442
00:21:45,336 --> 00:21:48,772
The waitress is like,
"You want a cranberry juice?"
443
00:21:48,806 --> 00:21:51,074
You're like, "Yep, yep."
444
00:21:51,108 --> 00:21:53,276
She's like, "Why?"
445
00:21:53,310 --> 00:21:55,846
"'Cause I love it."
"No, you're disgusting."
446
00:21:59,050 --> 00:22:01,918
I got it-- I was sleeping
with a guy who's my friend.
447
00:22:01,952 --> 00:22:03,520
Having--
Like, friends having sex,
448
00:22:03,554 --> 00:22:05,188
there's a real
sadness to that.
449
00:22:05,222 --> 00:22:07,757
Like, I don't know
if you've experienced it,
450
00:22:07,791 --> 00:22:09,359
when, like,
two friends are like,
451
00:22:09,393 --> 00:22:11,128
"We could stomach
fucking each other.
452
00:22:11,162 --> 00:22:12,829
We should try that."
453
00:22:12,864 --> 00:22:16,199
Just, like, hurl your bodies
at each other and...
454
00:22:16,233 --> 00:22:18,602
and you're just, like,
thinking about it
the whole time, like,
455
00:22:18,636 --> 00:22:22,506
"Ugh, I can't believe
Luke's eating my pussy
right now, like..."
456
00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:25,108
"That's fucking--"
457
00:22:25,142 --> 00:22:27,544
And Luke's thinking,
"I'm eating Schumer's
pussy right now?"
458
00:22:27,579 --> 00:22:31,314
Like, it's bad.
It's all bad.
459
00:22:31,349 --> 00:22:34,518
It's really sad.
And then...
460
00:22:34,552 --> 00:22:37,487
And then, you know,
and he was like,
461
00:22:37,521 --> 00:22:39,556
really worried about
getting me pregnant.
462
00:22:39,590 --> 00:22:41,924
And I'm like, "I was born
wearing the NuvaRing,
463
00:22:41,959 --> 00:22:45,061
like, I came out ringed up."
464
00:22:45,095 --> 00:22:46,696
And, uh...
465
00:22:48,032 --> 00:22:50,234
And also, I'm like,
"Guess what, Luke?
466
00:22:50,268 --> 00:22:52,469
"If I got pregnant
with your baby,
467
00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:54,905
"I would ignore all red lights
468
00:22:54,939 --> 00:22:56,406
on the way
to Planned Parenthood."
469
00:22:56,441 --> 00:22:58,875
Just...
470
00:23:01,212 --> 00:23:03,713
It would look like
"Snowpiercer"
out my window, just...
471
00:23:08,452 --> 00:23:10,687
It's always the guys you would
never have a kid with
that's like.
472
00:23:10,721 --> 00:23:13,823
Like, "I'm not trying
to get your seed, thank you.
473
00:23:13,858 --> 00:23:15,525
Thank you, though."
474
00:23:18,162 --> 00:23:19,929
Yeah, I have no idea
what's going on in the news.
475
00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:23,032
I read about the, um,
when the celebrities'
photos got hacked.
476
00:23:23,201 --> 00:23:24,167
I read that.
477
00:23:24,202 --> 00:23:26,636
Did you guys look
at their beautiful
little pussies?
478
00:23:26,670 --> 00:23:29,206
I'm the only one, really?
479
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,842
I looked at every little
pussy I could find.
480
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:38,414
I wanted to see if they were,
like, magical and, like,
almond-sized.
481
00:23:38,449 --> 00:23:39,883
Not that mine isn't.
482
00:23:39,984 --> 00:23:42,252
I mean, you guys,
I didn't know
you'd be sitting this close.
483
00:23:42,286 --> 00:23:43,653
Like, it's very small, right?
484
00:23:43,688 --> 00:23:46,055
It's a-- I have a tiny--
485
00:23:46,090 --> 00:23:48,324
It's like a Barbie.
You can't even find the hole.
486
00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:50,059
You're like,
"Is there a hole?"
487
00:23:50,094 --> 00:23:52,796
Tiny. Even in
a light days tampon,
488
00:23:52,830 --> 00:23:55,632
I walk around, like,
"Ow, ow, ow, ow,
489
00:23:55,667 --> 00:24:00,303
ow, ow...
Ooh! Mmm!"
490
00:24:02,172 --> 00:24:04,241
No, if I, like, sneeze,
that would fall out of me.
491
00:24:04,275 --> 00:24:05,475
I, um...
492
00:24:08,146 --> 00:24:09,579
At the drugstore,
I'm like, "Do you guys
493
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:12,181
have any futons
I could maybe borrow?"
494
00:24:20,024 --> 00:24:23,326
No. It's normal.
I think my pussy's good.
495
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:24,828
Like, people always
come back, you know?
496
00:24:24,862 --> 00:24:27,631
I've got a good...
good return rate.
497
00:24:27,665 --> 00:24:31,567
Like, I'd know by now
if it was, like, jacked up.
498
00:24:31,602 --> 00:24:34,871
I, uh... I don't know, though.
499
00:24:34,906 --> 00:24:37,473
I've never really looked
at my pussy, like...
500
00:24:37,508 --> 00:24:38,709
but it got into my head.
501
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,143
"Amy, what does
your pussy look like?"
502
00:24:40,178 --> 00:24:42,045
Um, probably like
the mouth of, like,
503
00:24:42,079 --> 00:24:43,546
an old lounge singer,
there's, like,
504
00:24:43,580 --> 00:24:45,182
a cigarette hanging
out of it, just...
505
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,988
She's like doing
the Charleston and scatting.
506
00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:54,190
She's like...
507
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:03,332
She calls everybody honey.
508
00:25:03,367 --> 00:25:05,702
Just-- I'm guessing.
I don't know.
509
00:25:05,736 --> 00:25:07,136
It's a guess.
510
00:25:10,441 --> 00:25:12,809
They're all beautiful,
they're all equally beautiful,
511
00:25:12,843 --> 00:25:14,110
I believe, but...
512
00:25:14,145 --> 00:25:15,846
The reason I don't know
what my pussy looks like
513
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,548
is because women never
look at their vaginas.
514
00:25:18,582 --> 00:25:20,783
Like, men,
you look down,
515
00:25:20,818 --> 00:25:22,085
you're like,
"Oh, there's my dick."
516
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:23,253
Well, like, hopefully.
517
00:25:23,287 --> 00:25:24,487
Um...
518
00:25:26,324 --> 00:25:28,558
But, girls, you would need,
like, a hand mirror
519
00:25:28,592 --> 00:25:30,493
and to do some, like,
"Cirque du Soleil" type...
520
00:25:30,528 --> 00:25:34,063
Like, it's hard to find.
521
00:25:34,098 --> 00:25:36,833
And then the only time you see
it is if you get a bikini wax.
522
00:25:36,867 --> 00:25:39,669
And they wax you
and then they show it to you,
523
00:25:39,704 --> 00:25:44,841
and there is no faster
response time in the world.
524
00:25:46,777 --> 00:25:49,946
You're just like,
"Yep, that looks great!"
525
00:25:53,584 --> 00:25:56,219
"I see it.
Yeah, that's great."
526
00:25:56,253 --> 00:25:57,954
It's like identifying a body.
527
00:25:57,988 --> 00:25:59,989
You're like, "That's her!
528
00:26:02,660 --> 00:26:04,661
Yeah, definitely her.
Thank you."
529
00:26:07,164 --> 00:26:10,033
Right? I don't know
any girl that's like...
530
00:26:10,067 --> 00:26:15,171
"Hmm... Maybe
a little more off the top."
531
00:26:15,205 --> 00:26:18,941
No one...
No one does that.
532
00:26:20,344 --> 00:26:22,879
I got a massage recently.
533
00:26:22,913 --> 00:26:27,317
I hurt my neck doing something
that's my business and, um...
534
00:26:27,585 --> 00:26:29,586
I know, that's supposed
to sound like I was,
535
00:26:29,621 --> 00:26:33,156
like, giving a blowjob,
but I was honestly opening
a jar of salsa con queso.
536
00:26:33,190 --> 00:26:34,625
I was like...
537
00:26:34,659 --> 00:26:36,560
And, um...
538
00:26:38,295 --> 00:26:41,364
So that I could suck it
off of a cab driver's dick
and, uh...
539
00:26:44,836 --> 00:26:46,036
Never.
540
00:26:46,070 --> 00:26:48,138
- Uber, yes.
- Uber...
541
00:26:48,172 --> 00:26:49,806
But, um...
542
00:26:53,377 --> 00:26:54,711
That's me in an Uber.
543
00:26:54,745 --> 00:26:56,780
Mmm... mmm.
544
00:26:59,250 --> 00:27:01,518
So, my neck hurt,
545
00:27:01,552 --> 00:27:03,319
and I looked at this website,
546
00:27:03,354 --> 00:27:06,356
and it had music
and it looked like a nice spa,
547
00:27:06,390 --> 00:27:09,726
and I realized--
realized a little late
548
00:27:09,827 --> 00:27:11,795
in the game that
it was a rub and tug.
549
00:27:11,829 --> 00:27:14,130
Now, it is fully my fault.
550
00:27:14,164 --> 00:27:15,799
Like, all the signs
were there.
551
00:27:15,833 --> 00:27:18,568
This is-- It's on me.
I'm taking responsibility.
552
00:27:18,602 --> 00:27:21,138
Like, I had to be buzzed in.
553
00:27:21,172 --> 00:27:24,941
Um... I don't know a spa
that's like, "Who's there?"
554
00:27:24,975 --> 00:27:27,978
Like, they usually
let you come
555
00:27:28,012 --> 00:27:32,082
and go at your "leis,"
and, uh...
556
00:27:32,116 --> 00:27:34,117
There were gold bars
on the windows.
557
00:27:34,151 --> 00:27:35,952
I was like,
"Ooh, exclusive."
558
00:27:35,986 --> 00:27:38,921
And, uh...
559
00:27:38,956 --> 00:27:41,724
I swear, I got in there
and they were like,
"Are you law enforcement?"
560
00:27:41,758 --> 00:27:45,128
And I was like,
"No, but I have been
working out more, thank you."
561
00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:48,632
Uh... And then the girl
who came to get me,
562
00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:50,367
she was leading
the guy before me out
563
00:27:50,401 --> 00:27:53,536
by the small of his back,
which is body language for,
564
00:27:53,571 --> 00:27:58,875
"That's okay you came
on my foot. That's okay."
565
00:27:58,909 --> 00:28:01,745
And, uh...
566
00:28:01,779 --> 00:28:04,413
And then she walked
me back to the room
567
00:28:04,448 --> 00:28:07,250
like she was walking
me through, like,
a fun frat party.
568
00:28:07,284 --> 00:28:08,385
She like--
she's like, "Come on!"
569
00:28:08,419 --> 00:28:10,453
She's like, "Woo!"
570
00:28:12,490 --> 00:28:14,657
And I'm like, "Okay."
571
00:28:14,691 --> 00:28:17,994
And then we get in there
and that's when I knew,
572
00:28:18,028 --> 00:28:21,964
because it was just two--
It was just a steel table,
573
00:28:21,999 --> 00:28:24,900
like-- like you'd examine
people on in "Lost..."
574
00:28:27,238 --> 00:28:31,541
and towels,
like, hardened towels.
575
00:28:31,575 --> 00:28:33,977
You know the color.
576
00:28:34,011 --> 00:28:38,014
And... and there
was no face cradle
577
00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:41,784
'cause no one had ever
laid facedown before.
578
00:28:43,387 --> 00:28:46,622
So, uh, I still
laid facedown.
579
00:28:46,657 --> 00:28:49,358
I was like, "Fuck this,
I am not finding out what
they do to girls here."
580
00:28:49,393 --> 00:28:52,762
So I just put
my head over the edge.
581
00:28:52,796 --> 00:28:56,365
And I was really
trying to keep things
on the up-and-up.
582
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,367
I'm like,
"It's just my neck, girl,
583
00:28:58,402 --> 00:29:00,003
like, just my neck."
584
00:29:00,037 --> 00:29:01,871
And she's all upper thigh.
She's like,
585
00:29:01,906 --> 00:29:03,873
"Is this your neck?"
586
00:29:06,977 --> 00:29:10,346
I'm like, "You know
that's not my neck."
587
00:29:10,381 --> 00:29:12,715
And then I just kind of
accept it into my heart.
588
00:29:12,749 --> 00:29:14,083
I was like,
589
00:29:14,118 --> 00:29:18,121
"Amy, you know you're getting
a thumb right in the butthole.
590
00:29:18,155 --> 00:29:22,058
"Just accept it. Embrace it.
591
00:29:22,092 --> 00:29:25,328
"This is God's plan
for you, Amy.
592
00:29:25,362 --> 00:29:27,396
"♪ Let it go ♪
593
00:29:27,431 --> 00:29:29,098
♪ Let it go ♪"
594
00:29:31,302 --> 00:29:35,472
And then, she didn't do it
and I was fucking furious.
595
00:29:35,506 --> 00:29:39,276
Just...
What about my butthole?
596
00:29:39,310 --> 00:29:41,311
I, uh...
597
00:29:41,345 --> 00:29:43,313
I-- I would have let her
go down on me, I bet.
598
00:29:43,347 --> 00:29:47,617
Like... I would let anyone
go down on me, actually.
599
00:29:47,652 --> 00:29:49,152
Um... you ever
think about that?
600
00:29:49,187 --> 00:29:50,787
Like, sometimes I'll see
people on the street,
601
00:29:50,821 --> 00:29:53,723
I'm like, "How bad would
it get before I said no?"
602
00:29:53,757 --> 00:29:55,892
Like, when would I...
603
00:29:55,926 --> 00:29:59,162
I see kinda, like, a hot,
like, newly homeless dude.
604
00:29:59,197 --> 00:30:02,799
Like, I mean, week one,
doesn't even have a sign
605
00:30:02,833 --> 00:30:05,335
or a dog yet, you know,
just, like...
606
00:30:05,369 --> 00:30:07,837
just got out there.
607
00:30:07,871 --> 00:30:11,040
"Yes," I thought.
"Yes, that's fine."
608
00:30:11,074 --> 00:30:15,144
Some family members...
like a cousin. Like...
609
00:30:15,179 --> 00:30:17,414
Not like a cousin
you grew up playing with,
610
00:30:17,448 --> 00:30:18,981
like just one that
you see at funerals,
611
00:30:19,016 --> 00:30:21,584
like that kind of a distance.
612
00:30:21,618 --> 00:30:24,054
He could go down on me.
613
00:30:24,088 --> 00:30:26,622
Any girl, any girl.
614
00:30:26,656 --> 00:30:29,125
I mean, I could never
go down on a girl, though.
615
00:30:29,159 --> 00:30:30,260
I couldn't do it.
616
00:30:30,294 --> 00:30:31,661
If a pussy were ever
in front of me
617
00:30:31,695 --> 00:30:34,864
and it was, like, go time,
it would be like
618
00:30:34,898 --> 00:30:36,799
I was, like, trying to jump
into Double Dutch.
619
00:30:36,833 --> 00:30:38,201
I would be like...
620
00:30:46,410 --> 00:30:48,177
"I can't.
You're a beautiful girl.
621
00:30:48,212 --> 00:30:50,046
"I'm so sorry, I can't.
622
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:51,914
Thank you
for braiding my hair."
623
00:30:51,949 --> 00:30:54,984
Um...
624
00:30:55,019 --> 00:30:56,719
I'm, like, seriously
winded from just,
625
00:30:56,753 --> 00:30:59,688
like, moving my body
for two seconds.
626
00:30:59,723 --> 00:31:03,592
They're like,
"Oh, she's gonna sweat again."
627
00:31:03,627 --> 00:31:06,328
I, uh, before I left LA,
628
00:31:06,363 --> 00:31:09,632
I-- my agent got me
courtside seats
to a Laker game.
629
00:31:09,667 --> 00:31:11,734
And I don't care
about basketball,
630
00:31:11,769 --> 00:31:13,636
or any sport, at all.
631
00:31:13,671 --> 00:31:16,572
But courtside, I thought
it would be free booze,
632
00:31:16,607 --> 00:31:19,042
and it's not, it turns out.
633
00:31:19,076 --> 00:31:21,310
I'm like, "Do you have to be,
like, the point guard
634
00:31:21,344 --> 00:31:24,981
to get a merlot?
This is horrible."
635
00:31:25,015 --> 00:31:30,887
But I go to the game
and I was like,
"This is a fancy event.
636
00:31:30,921 --> 00:31:33,022
Like, I want to
bring it, I want to
look great," you know?
637
00:31:33,057 --> 00:31:34,991
And I did.
I put on, like, blush,
638
00:31:35,025 --> 00:31:37,794
and like...
that's it, but, like...
639
00:31:39,964 --> 00:31:42,031
Like, so much blush,
you know?
640
00:31:42,066 --> 00:31:45,402
Like, a lot of blush and...
641
00:31:46,937 --> 00:31:48,671
I was really kind of
feeling myself, you know?
642
00:31:48,705 --> 00:31:50,739
I just walk in
and I'm like,
643
00:31:50,774 --> 00:31:53,642
"Here I am.
Like, feast your eyes,"
644
00:31:53,677 --> 00:31:57,379
and then the first
person I saw was
literally Kate Upton.
645
00:31:58,982 --> 00:32:02,351
And I was like,
"Oh, I get it.
646
00:32:02,386 --> 00:32:05,254
"I'm not a real woman,
647
00:32:05,288 --> 00:32:08,658
I'm just harvesting
organs for one."
648
00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:12,862
So if Kate was ever like,
"My liver feels weird,"
649
00:32:12,897 --> 00:32:15,799
I'd be like, "Well, here,"
and then, like, bleed out.
650
00:32:18,736 --> 00:32:21,071
And she'd be like,
"Do you have
anything smaller?"
651
00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:23,006
And, uh...
652
00:32:25,209 --> 00:32:27,944
I don't know why my,
like, liver's flopping
around her hand.
653
00:32:27,978 --> 00:32:30,947
So I see Kate Upton
and I knew,
654
00:32:30,982 --> 00:32:32,815
I knew she wanted
to talk to me
655
00:32:32,883 --> 00:32:35,584
because beautiful girls
love funny girls.
656
00:32:35,619 --> 00:32:37,720
They think we're
like clowns, you know?
657
00:32:37,754 --> 00:32:39,021
Like, I just knew.
658
00:32:39,056 --> 00:32:41,157
She's gonna, like, poke me.
Like, "Do your clown thing."
659
00:32:41,191 --> 00:32:42,458
And I'm like,
"I don't want to."
660
00:32:42,493 --> 00:32:43,693
But...
661
00:32:46,830 --> 00:32:49,598
And funny girls do not
want anything to do
662
00:32:49,633 --> 00:32:51,100
with beautiful girls.
And you guys are like,
663
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:52,535
"Amy, but you're both."
Oh, my God,
664
00:32:52,569 --> 00:32:54,771
thank you guys
for all thinking that.
665
00:32:54,805 --> 00:32:57,040
All of you, every one of you,
every single one of you,
666
00:32:57,074 --> 00:32:58,841
and all my ex-boyfriends.
667
00:32:58,876 --> 00:33:01,511
Oh, my God.
668
00:33:01,545 --> 00:33:02,978
Like, you can have it all.
669
00:33:03,013 --> 00:33:04,547
Um...
670
00:33:05,949 --> 00:33:07,817
I don't like talking
to really hot people.
671
00:33:07,852 --> 00:33:12,088
I'm very grossed out
being around someone gorgeous.
672
00:33:12,122 --> 00:33:14,890
But my friend talked to her
and he was like,
673
00:33:14,924 --> 00:33:17,326
"She was actually
really funny,"
674
00:33:17,361 --> 00:33:19,595
and I was like, "Fuck you."
675
00:33:26,870 --> 00:33:29,238
No way.
676
00:33:29,272 --> 00:33:31,173
There's no way.
677
00:33:31,208 --> 00:33:34,110
We just have
such low expectations
678
00:33:34,144 --> 00:33:36,546
for hot-- for hot people
to be anything.
679
00:33:36,580 --> 00:33:38,013
I'm like, "You were
probably blown away
680
00:33:38,048 --> 00:33:40,516
she wasn't just
sitting there playing
with her tits and drooling
681
00:33:40,551 --> 00:33:42,084
Like...
682
00:33:47,625 --> 00:33:50,126
I'm like, "What did she say
that was so funny?"
683
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:51,894
And he was like,
"Well, we were talking
684
00:33:51,928 --> 00:33:53,663
"about playing pool later
and she was like,
685
00:33:53,697 --> 00:33:55,498
'Get ready to lose.'"
686
00:34:02,372 --> 00:34:05,608
I was like, "Oh, when's
her hour special coming
out on HBO?
687
00:34:05,643 --> 00:34:07,644
What a great..."
688
00:34:12,149 --> 00:34:13,716
Fuck you.
689
00:34:17,721 --> 00:34:19,556
Wouldn't that have gone
so different if it were
690
00:34:19,590 --> 00:34:21,491
like just
a normal-looking girl?
691
00:34:21,525 --> 00:34:22,892
She's like,
"Get ready to lose."
692
00:34:22,926 --> 00:34:24,594
They would have been like,
"Did you hear that cunt?
693
00:34:24,628 --> 00:34:26,863
Like, what a fucking..."
694
00:34:26,897 --> 00:34:28,397
But instead they were like,
695
00:34:28,431 --> 00:34:30,500
"Oh, my God,
you should be Seinfeld."
696
00:34:30,534 --> 00:34:32,068
Um...
697
00:34:34,438 --> 00:34:38,007
Ugh. Attractive people
have their own weird rules.
698
00:34:38,041 --> 00:34:39,642
They have hot people contests.
699
00:34:39,676 --> 00:34:41,711
Did you ever see
a beauty pageant?
700
00:34:41,745 --> 00:34:43,113
Has anybody?
Okay, here.
701
00:34:43,147 --> 00:34:45,848
I saw "Miss USA" this year.
Here's what happens, okay?
702
00:34:45,882 --> 00:34:49,085
These very tan...
703
00:34:49,119 --> 00:34:53,823
very hungry... cadavers...
704
00:34:56,260 --> 00:34:58,761
they walk back and forth...
705
00:35:01,665 --> 00:35:05,334
across the stage
like they're haunting it.
706
00:35:05,369 --> 00:35:06,936
Just...
707
00:35:10,741 --> 00:35:12,408
You're like,
"We see you."
708
00:35:12,442 --> 00:35:16,145
They're like,
"No, you don't."
709
00:35:16,179 --> 00:35:20,282
And they make
them wear a sash
710
00:35:20,316 --> 00:35:22,785
so they can remember
where they're from.
711
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:27,957
And these girls,
it's the weirdest thing.
712
00:35:27,991 --> 00:35:30,492
Different outfits all night.
Just...
713
00:35:30,527 --> 00:35:32,328
And they're so nervous.
714
00:35:32,362 --> 00:35:34,063
And you're like,
"Why are they so nervous?
715
00:35:34,097 --> 00:35:35,831
Like, they're just walking."
716
00:35:35,865 --> 00:35:39,168
"Oh, this outfit.
What is it?"
717
00:35:39,202 --> 00:35:41,904
But it's because
at the end of the night,
718
00:35:41,938 --> 00:35:45,308
they make them do this thing,
it's so fucked up.
719
00:35:45,342 --> 00:35:49,212
They dim the lights,
and they change the music,
720
00:35:49,246 --> 00:35:55,718
and they make these poor girls
answer one question.
721
00:35:59,723 --> 00:36:02,958
Just one.
They're just like--
722
00:36:02,992 --> 00:36:04,460
The hosts are
very patient with them.
723
00:36:04,494 --> 00:36:05,595
They're like,
"Okay, look, ladies,
724
00:36:05,629 --> 00:36:09,232
"you knew this was coming.
725
00:36:09,266 --> 00:36:13,402
You're gonna have
to form a sentence."
726
00:36:13,437 --> 00:36:16,105
And they can't
believe they have to--
727
00:36:16,139 --> 00:36:17,639
They're all holding
each other and weeping.
728
00:36:17,674 --> 00:36:22,378
Like, "No! Words!"
729
00:36:25,549 --> 00:36:28,116
And they can't do it.
730
00:36:28,151 --> 00:36:29,752
And you know
they've been coached.
731
00:36:29,786 --> 00:36:32,054
Like, just say "education"
and get the fuck out of there.
732
00:36:32,088 --> 00:36:33,990
And they can't.
733
00:36:35,692 --> 00:36:37,359
They can't do it.
734
00:36:37,394 --> 00:36:39,962
The one who wins,
the one they crown the winner
735
00:36:39,997 --> 00:36:42,197
is just the one that doesn't,
like, blurt out the N-word.
736
00:36:42,232 --> 00:36:43,332
They're like,
"You did it!"
737
00:36:43,366 --> 00:36:45,267
She's like,
"I did it!
738
00:36:47,937 --> 00:36:49,505
But I was thinking it!"
739
00:36:49,539 --> 00:36:50,640
They're like,
"Shh!"
740
00:36:50,674 --> 00:36:52,107
Like,
"Oh!
741
00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:58,113
I wanna thank
Michigan and..."
742
00:36:59,683 --> 00:37:02,184
It's insane.
743
00:37:02,219 --> 00:37:05,120
They all answer
like that one person
744
00:37:05,155 --> 00:37:08,090
on "Family Feud"
that just blows it, you know?
745
00:37:09,493 --> 00:37:11,461
I love "Family Feud,"
first of all.
746
00:37:11,495 --> 00:37:12,828
Isn't it the best?
747
00:37:14,865 --> 00:37:18,100
Everyone's in the same shirt
and they're just like,
748
00:37:18,134 --> 00:37:19,469
"We're the White family!"
749
00:37:19,503 --> 00:37:22,338
"And we're the Black family!"
And then...
750
00:37:23,907 --> 00:37:25,642
And then there's
always one person.
751
00:37:25,676 --> 00:37:27,109
It's like
a softball question, too.
752
00:37:27,144 --> 00:37:30,045
It's like, "Favorite place
to see a movie."
753
00:37:31,214 --> 00:37:32,414
"Microwave!"
754
00:37:39,122 --> 00:37:42,091
And the family is like,
"Good answer. Good answer."
755
00:37:42,126 --> 00:37:44,093
But you know
they're thinking,
756
00:37:44,128 --> 00:37:46,996
"You're not gonna be buried
with the rest of us, okay?"
757
00:37:51,568 --> 00:37:53,569
I want them to do
a "Where Are They Now?"
758
00:37:53,603 --> 00:37:56,405
with people who blew it
on "Family Feud."
759
00:37:56,439 --> 00:37:57,807
Like...
760
00:37:59,175 --> 00:38:01,277
just, like, ten years later.
761
00:38:01,311 --> 00:38:02,612
Forget about
the plane ride home,
762
00:38:02,646 --> 00:38:04,947
which you know is horrible.
763
00:38:04,982 --> 00:38:07,649
It's like Thanksgiving
ten years from then
764
00:38:07,684 --> 00:38:11,153
and he's like,
"Can somebody pass
the mashed potatoes?"
765
00:38:11,187 --> 00:38:12,488
They're like,
"Why don't you look
766
00:38:12,523 --> 00:38:15,791
"in the microwave, Terry?
You fucking idiot!
767
00:38:15,825 --> 00:38:18,461
Watch a movie
while you're in there!"
768
00:38:26,803 --> 00:38:29,771
So anyway, I'm at this
Laker game and, uh...
769
00:38:31,875 --> 00:38:34,910
Actually, I, um,
I didn't see "Miss America,"
770
00:38:34,945 --> 00:38:37,013
but I heard
that the girl, like,
771
00:38:37,047 --> 00:38:38,681
had a really good response.
772
00:38:38,715 --> 00:38:41,517
They asked her, like,
"How would you solve ISIS?"
773
00:38:41,551 --> 00:38:43,552
And, yeah,
she had a good answer,
774
00:38:43,587 --> 00:38:46,255
but, like, why are
you asking her that?
775
00:38:46,289 --> 00:38:48,691
Like, in the middle of her--
Like they're just gonna, like,
776
00:38:48,725 --> 00:38:51,761
chopper her to the Pentagon
and be like...
777
00:38:51,795 --> 00:38:54,630
Obama's gonna be like,
"We like what we heard
back there,
778
00:38:54,664 --> 00:38:57,599
we want to hear more."
Like, why?
779
00:39:03,307 --> 00:39:05,207
The whole reason I got
tickets to the game, um,
780
00:39:05,241 --> 00:39:06,809
he gave me these seats
because he thought
781
00:39:06,843 --> 00:39:09,378
I was mad at him
for sexually harassing me...
782
00:39:09,412 --> 00:39:11,046
which I wasn't.
783
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:12,447
Like, I'm 33.
784
00:39:12,482 --> 00:39:14,750
I really appreciate
that shit right now.
785
00:39:14,784 --> 00:39:15,851
I just...
786
00:39:15,886 --> 00:39:18,454
You know, when
you're in your 20s,
787
00:39:18,488 --> 00:39:20,423
if you walk
past a construction site
788
00:39:20,457 --> 00:39:21,991
and they're like, "Yeah,"
you're like,
789
00:39:22,025 --> 00:39:25,093
"How dare you!
My secret bits!"
790
00:39:25,128 --> 00:39:27,563
But...
791
00:39:29,399 --> 00:39:31,801
In your 30s, you walk past
and you're like,
792
00:39:31,835 --> 00:39:34,437
"What about this, huh?"
793
00:39:34,471 --> 00:39:36,472
My skirt's, like,
over my head.
794
00:39:36,507 --> 00:39:37,707
I'm like... "Aah!"
795
00:39:39,443 --> 00:39:41,076
They're like,
"We're eating."
796
00:39:41,110 --> 00:39:42,411
I'm like... "Aah!"
797
00:39:44,380 --> 00:39:47,149
That shit changes.
It does.
798
00:39:47,183 --> 00:39:49,151
Who here is in their 40s?
799
00:39:51,388 --> 00:39:52,621
What about 30s?
800
00:39:54,991 --> 00:39:56,224
20s?
801
00:39:58,061 --> 00:40:01,363
Do you hear that hope?
Remember?
802
00:40:02,365 --> 00:40:04,533
Do you remember 20s hope?
803
00:40:04,568 --> 00:40:06,469
Do you? I kinda do.
804
00:40:06,503 --> 00:40:09,237
You know,
you just walk around
805
00:40:09,272 --> 00:40:13,108
like, "Everything's gonna
work out.
806
00:40:13,143 --> 00:40:17,180
Everybody's always gonna
want to fuck me!"
807
00:40:17,214 --> 00:40:18,547
And then you're like,
"Oh, cool.
808
00:40:18,581 --> 00:40:20,316
Cellulite on my
hands and feet."
809
00:40:20,350 --> 00:40:21,717
Um...
810
00:40:24,121 --> 00:40:27,056
In your 20s, you're
so corrupt with power,
811
00:40:27,090 --> 00:40:29,258
especially if you're
in love in your 20s.
812
00:40:29,292 --> 00:40:31,927
Remember 20s love?
You're just so arrogant.
813
00:40:31,961 --> 00:40:35,231
You're like,
"We're so lucky
we found each other.
814
00:40:35,265 --> 00:40:37,466
What are all
these sad songs about?"
815
00:40:45,776 --> 00:40:48,911
I think of 20s love
the same as the tsunami,
816
00:40:48,945 --> 00:40:55,518
because I read that
in the tsunami,
the tide was way in,
817
00:40:55,552 --> 00:40:57,987
so, fish were flopping
around the shore
818
00:40:58,021 --> 00:40:59,154
and people were,
like, psyched.
819
00:40:59,188 --> 00:41:00,723
They were gathering
them with baskets.
820
00:41:00,757 --> 00:41:05,127
Like,
"I can't believe my luck.
Look at all these fish!"
821
00:41:06,697 --> 00:41:07,896
That's, like, 20s love.
822
00:41:07,930 --> 00:41:10,365
You're like,
"For me and me!"
823
00:41:12,102 --> 00:41:16,339
And then you're like,
"Oh, fuck!"
824
00:41:16,373 --> 00:41:18,708
And it murders you.
825
00:41:26,149 --> 00:41:27,616
But yeah.
826
00:41:27,650 --> 00:41:28,851
But enjoy it.
827
00:41:28,885 --> 00:41:30,252
Um...
828
00:41:33,656 --> 00:41:34,857
Enjoy it.
829
00:41:39,762 --> 00:41:41,997
That's why I'm so annoyed
I'm single again.
830
00:41:42,032 --> 00:41:45,667
That means I'm gonna have
to go out with a new dude
and he'll--
831
00:41:45,702 --> 00:41:47,269
We'll go to the movies
and he'll be like,
832
00:41:47,304 --> 00:41:48,304
"Do you want
to get a popcorn?"
833
00:41:48,338 --> 00:41:49,905
and I'll be
like, "Oh, my God,
834
00:41:49,939 --> 00:41:51,374
"I hadn't even
thought about it.
835
00:41:51,408 --> 00:41:54,610
"Um... that's not
the whole reason
836
00:41:54,645 --> 00:41:57,412
I wanted to come see
this piece of shit movie."
837
00:42:01,951 --> 00:42:04,386
I've left so many movies
right after the previews
838
00:42:04,420 --> 00:42:05,954
'cause I finished my popcorn.
839
00:42:11,094 --> 00:42:13,262
And then he's like,
"What size do you want?"
840
00:42:13,296 --> 00:42:16,898
and I'm like...
"Small, look at me."
841
00:42:19,236 --> 00:42:20,969
Meanwhile,
a small popcorn, like,
842
00:42:21,004 --> 00:42:22,505
that's like
taking one Advil.
843
00:42:22,539 --> 00:42:24,306
Like, get the fuck
out of here.
844
00:42:26,275 --> 00:42:27,777
It's like taking six Xanax.
845
00:42:27,811 --> 00:42:30,078
Like, why are
you wasting my time?
846
00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:33,315
Small popcorn.
847
00:42:33,350 --> 00:42:34,749
And then
the cashier is like,
848
00:42:34,784 --> 00:42:37,686
"For $15, you can
get one more handful,"
849
00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:41,923
and I'm like,
"That sounds like
a great deal. We'll take it."
850
00:42:43,059 --> 00:42:44,860
You sit in there
and you're supposed to act
851
00:42:44,894 --> 00:42:46,962
like you're not thinking
about the popcorn
852
00:42:46,996 --> 00:42:48,630
and you're just
watching the movie, like,
853
00:42:48,665 --> 00:42:52,635
"Oh, I forgot that
we even had popcorn."
854
00:42:55,372 --> 00:42:56,772
But really,
I just want to, like,
855
00:42:56,806 --> 00:42:59,408
push his eyes
in with my thumbs...
856
00:43:01,178 --> 00:43:03,912
and just dump the popcorn
all over my face and head
857
00:43:03,947 --> 00:43:08,683
and just run out screaming,
"You would have found out
anyway, motherfucker!"
858
00:43:20,397 --> 00:43:22,498
So I'm single.
859
00:43:22,532 --> 00:43:24,900
Um...
860
00:43:24,934 --> 00:43:26,501
I know, you guys
are all thinking,
861
00:43:26,535 --> 00:43:29,772
like, "Amy, this is all great,
but how do we date you?"
862
00:43:29,806 --> 00:43:31,173
Um, you can't.
863
00:43:31,207 --> 00:43:34,076
And not just 'cause I'm not
totally out of the woods
864
00:43:34,110 --> 00:43:37,880
with this UTI, but also...
865
00:43:37,914 --> 00:43:40,415
I am not on any dating sites.
866
00:43:40,449 --> 00:43:42,885
Like, the only app
I have on my phone
867
00:43:42,919 --> 00:43:45,053
like that is Foodspotting,
868
00:43:45,088 --> 00:43:47,556
which is like Tinder
but for food.
869
00:43:47,591 --> 00:43:52,695
So, it lets you know
about foods in your area.
870
00:43:52,729 --> 00:43:53,996
Uh...
871
00:43:54,030 --> 00:43:55,797
Like the other day
I was, like, eyeing up,
872
00:43:55,832 --> 00:44:00,735
like, this one scone
and it was under a mile away,
873
00:44:00,770 --> 00:44:03,872
I was like,
"Is this a coincidence?
Like, I don't--"
874
00:44:03,874 --> 00:44:05,707
It's like, "Yes."
875
00:44:05,741 --> 00:44:10,211
And then, uh...
I'm like, "Should I go?"
876
00:44:10,246 --> 00:44:14,049
and my friends are like,
"Go! Like, go! See!"
877
00:44:14,083 --> 00:44:15,718
and I'm like, "Okay."
878
00:44:15,752 --> 00:44:17,920
So I went
and I kind of, like,
879
00:44:17,954 --> 00:44:19,588
sidled up to the scone
and it's like,
880
00:44:19,622 --> 00:44:22,458
"Oh, my God, you look
just like your picture.
881
00:44:22,492 --> 00:44:25,127
Do you want to come
home with me?"
882
00:44:26,196 --> 00:44:27,796
Um...
883
00:44:30,667 --> 00:44:31,967
And I was, like,
I was hungry,
884
00:44:32,002 --> 00:44:34,837
so I was putting
a little butter on saltines...
885
00:44:36,807 --> 00:44:38,974
but then I kinda took
a look at myself.
886
00:44:39,009 --> 00:44:40,642
I'm like,
"Hold on, Amy.
887
00:44:40,677 --> 00:44:42,745
"Like, you're not
Martha Stewart,
888
00:44:42,779 --> 00:44:44,880
"just put the butter
and the cracker
889
00:44:44,915 --> 00:44:48,884
in your mouth and they'll
find each other in there."
890
00:44:51,188 --> 00:44:53,923
Who am I? I'm like
the "Barefoot Contestant"
or whatever.
891
00:44:53,957 --> 00:44:55,624
I'm like, "Uh!"
892
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:58,360
Dirtying a knife.
893
00:44:58,395 --> 00:45:01,497
So, I was dating someone
for a little bit this year.
894
00:45:01,531 --> 00:45:03,532
I was dating
an infectious disease doctor
895
00:45:03,567 --> 00:45:04,900
'cause two birds.
896
00:45:04,934 --> 00:45:07,803
And...
897
00:45:07,837 --> 00:45:09,504
What do you want?
898
00:45:09,539 --> 00:45:14,175
And he wound up being a,
like, an insane alcoholic
899
00:45:14,210 --> 00:45:16,277
and that's my thing.
900
00:45:16,312 --> 00:45:18,213
Uh...
901
00:45:18,247 --> 00:45:20,215
I feel like in most
relationships, there's, like,
902
00:45:20,249 --> 00:45:22,784
one alcoholic,
and then, like, one person
903
00:45:22,819 --> 00:45:25,721
who's sad about it,
and I wanted to be,
like, the fun one.
904
00:45:28,959 --> 00:45:33,729
So, I called my mom, um,
905
00:45:33,764 --> 00:45:35,631
because nothing
makes her happier
906
00:45:35,665 --> 00:45:37,166
than me being alone,
907
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:41,503
and she's like,
"Oh, my God, will I be
seeing you more?"
908
00:45:41,538 --> 00:45:44,540
Um...
and I'm like, "Yes, Mom,"
909
00:45:44,574 --> 00:45:46,074
and she starts
giving me advice.
910
00:45:46,108 --> 00:45:50,012
She's like,
"Am, you need to love
like you've never been hurt,"
911
00:45:51,581 --> 00:45:54,749
and I'm like,
"Are you reading off of
a bumper sticker right now?"
912
00:45:54,784 --> 00:45:57,953
Like... she's like, "Dance
like no one's watching."
913
00:45:57,987 --> 00:46:00,622
Like, dance like a couple
of people are watching.
914
00:46:00,656 --> 00:46:04,259
Right? Even if you're alone,
maybe hold it together.
915
00:46:06,195 --> 00:46:09,331
Cross the street
like no cars-- What?
916
00:46:11,201 --> 00:46:12,735
I was thinking
about this last night
917
00:46:12,769 --> 00:46:17,038
and I was having
a little, um, wine and...
918
00:46:17,073 --> 00:46:21,410
weed and an Ambien, um...
919
00:46:21,444 --> 00:46:23,612
or as I call it,
tucking myself in.
920
00:46:23,646 --> 00:46:24,914
Um...
921
00:46:31,955 --> 00:46:33,856
Good night, moon. And...
922
00:46:38,461 --> 00:46:39,794
I...
923
00:46:39,829 --> 00:46:41,830
I am a good person.
I swear to you.
924
00:46:41,864 --> 00:46:43,165
Like, I'm very old-school.
925
00:46:43,199 --> 00:46:44,499
I think the guy
should always pay
926
00:46:44,534 --> 00:46:49,471
on the first date
for sex and...
927
00:46:49,505 --> 00:46:50,605
I'm a romantic.
928
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:52,307
I'm labeled a sex comic.
929
00:46:52,341 --> 00:46:53,709
Like, that's in interviews.
930
00:46:53,743 --> 00:46:57,612
People are always like,
"So you-- you talk about sex,"
931
00:46:57,614 --> 00:46:59,615
and I'm like... I think
it's just 'cause I'm a girl.
932
00:46:59,649 --> 00:47:01,283
I feel like a guy could
get up here and literally
933
00:47:01,317 --> 00:47:02,918
pull his dick out
and everybody would be like,
934
00:47:02,953 --> 00:47:05,020
"He's a thinker."
But...
935
00:47:05,055 --> 00:47:08,523
Right?
936
00:47:12,662 --> 00:47:13,762
It's true.
937
00:47:13,796 --> 00:47:16,297
But then I mention one UTI
and everyone just thinks
938
00:47:16,332 --> 00:47:18,867
I walk around leaving,
like, a snail trail of cum,
939
00:47:18,901 --> 00:47:21,402
I'm just like...
940
00:47:21,437 --> 00:47:24,006
And they're like,
"Oh, Amy's been here."
941
00:47:29,612 --> 00:47:32,114
Cum is unsettling, isn't it?
942
00:47:32,148 --> 00:47:36,351
I don't say that
to shock you or--
943
00:47:36,386 --> 00:47:38,987
or get your attention--
Like, "Oh, no she didn't."
944
00:47:39,021 --> 00:47:42,357
Like, I'm just reminding
you that we're all disgusting.
945
00:47:42,392 --> 00:47:44,058
No one in here is better
than anyone else.
946
00:47:44,093 --> 00:47:47,195
Like, you've all caught
a hot load, you know?
947
00:47:49,999 --> 00:47:51,800
Like, if that provides
you with discomfort,
948
00:47:51,834 --> 00:47:54,502
you're just looking
at it the wrong way.
949
00:47:54,537 --> 00:47:56,671
We need to be
nicer about cum.
950
00:47:56,705 --> 00:47:57,739
We really do.
951
00:47:57,773 --> 00:48:00,342
Cum gives us life, you know?
952
00:48:00,376 --> 00:48:04,112
Gandhi was cum.
953
00:48:04,147 --> 00:48:08,183
Oprah-- cum.
954
00:48:08,251 --> 00:48:10,119
Oprah could have wound up
all over somebody's tits,
955
00:48:10,153 --> 00:48:13,822
but no...
we got Oprah.
956
00:48:16,626 --> 00:48:18,093
Thank you, cum.
957
00:48:21,931 --> 00:48:25,200
And yes, it is sticky
and gross and no one ever
958
00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:29,171
wants it in their mouth
ever, ever, ever, but...
959
00:48:29,205 --> 00:48:32,974
we need to change
how we're thinking about it.
960
00:48:33,009 --> 00:48:36,078
It's not a wonderfully
regal moment
961
00:48:36,112 --> 00:48:39,148
as a woman
when you take a load.
962
00:48:39,182 --> 00:48:42,484
Um... when someone cums
in you, you're not like,
963
00:48:42,519 --> 00:48:45,020
"We can do it.
I'm glad I leaned in."
964
00:48:45,054 --> 00:48:46,822
It's not--
965
00:48:48,224 --> 00:48:51,993
But it's a fact of life.
966
00:48:52,027 --> 00:48:54,663
All the greatest women
have dealt with it, okay?
967
00:48:54,698 --> 00:48:56,532
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
968
00:49:00,769 --> 00:49:02,337
Diane Sawyer.
969
00:49:02,372 --> 00:49:06,141
Michelle Obama, who I love,
like the rest of us,
970
00:49:06,175 --> 00:49:09,044
probably once a week
has to carefully walk
to the bathroom.
971
00:49:09,079 --> 00:49:11,546
Just squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish,
972
00:49:11,580 --> 00:49:14,783
squish, squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish.
973
00:49:14,817 --> 00:49:16,985
It's the White House.
It's probably a long hallway.
974
00:49:17,019 --> 00:49:20,989
Squish, squish, squish,
squish, squish, squish.
975
00:49:21,023 --> 00:49:24,093
And with her perfect arms,
she has to deal with it.
976
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:25,360
Just...
977
00:49:25,395 --> 00:49:29,264
"This is more than normal.
I wonder what's..."
978
00:49:29,298 --> 00:49:31,967
Barack's like,
"Get out here. I want
to talk about those e-mails."
979
00:49:32,001 --> 00:49:34,970
She's like, "I'm cleaning
out your troops right now."
980
00:49:41,110 --> 00:49:44,012
Yeah, I am labeled
a sex comic and...
981
00:49:44,046 --> 00:49:47,783
I just think that sex
is explained incorrectly
982
00:49:47,817 --> 00:49:49,984
as far as men
and women's roles go.
983
00:49:50,019 --> 00:49:52,287
It's like, we're all told
over and over again,
984
00:49:52,321 --> 00:49:56,891
men love sex and women
just deal with it, right?
985
00:49:56,926 --> 00:49:58,860
Like, every article,
every sitcom,
986
00:49:58,895 --> 00:50:00,795
it's always the guy
getting home from work like,
987
00:50:00,830 --> 00:50:03,332
"Honey, how about
tonight, huh?"
988
00:50:03,366 --> 00:50:09,671
And she's always like,
"Blah! You know I hate
your dick. Laundry, laundry."
989
00:50:13,510 --> 00:50:14,776
It's insane.
990
00:50:14,811 --> 00:50:16,478
I don't know
any girls like that.
991
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:18,713
Every girl I know
likes having sex.
992
00:50:18,748 --> 00:50:20,082
I love having sex.
993
00:50:20,116 --> 00:50:22,784
Not a weird amount,
but like a normal person.
994
00:50:22,818 --> 00:50:24,953
All of my friend-- I mean,
one of them doesn't,
995
00:50:24,988 --> 00:50:26,521
but we think something,
like, happened to her.
996
00:50:26,555 --> 00:50:30,525
But... but you're made
to feel really disgusting
997
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:32,828
and weird if you're a girl
who likes to have sex.
998
00:50:32,862 --> 00:50:34,730
Like, I've dated some guy--
999
00:50:34,764 --> 00:50:36,799
I would say 50%
in the relationships,
1000
00:50:36,833 --> 00:50:39,801
I initiate the sex,
and then 50%
we don't have it.
1001
00:50:39,835 --> 00:50:41,303
Um...
1002
00:50:43,606 --> 00:50:45,240
No, but I've been
in relationships where
1003
00:50:45,275 --> 00:50:47,075
it's always the dude,
like
1004
00:50:47,077 --> 00:50:49,277
and then you, like, later
realize he was a sex addict,
1005
00:50:49,312 --> 00:50:51,713
which-- Have you ever
dated a sex addict?
1006
00:50:51,748 --> 00:50:54,650
It's so fun at first
when you don't know.
1007
00:50:54,684 --> 00:50:59,721
You're like, "Am I the hottest
piece of ass in the world?"
1008
00:50:59,755 --> 00:51:02,357
And then you're like,
"Oh, no, he would
fuck a mailbox."
1009
00:51:02,391 --> 00:51:04,126
Um...
1010
00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:06,027
Which is why
I'm dressed like this.
1011
00:51:06,062 --> 00:51:09,064
Uh... but...
1012
00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:11,867
And then, you know,
I've dated guys where I always
1013
00:51:11,901 --> 00:51:13,969
have to initiate
and that's embarrassing.
1014
00:51:14,037 --> 00:51:16,505
It's because I used to
fuck really dumb guys
1015
00:51:16,539 --> 00:51:19,174
and I miss that
so very, very much.
1016
00:51:19,208 --> 00:51:22,911
Dumb guys really pound you...
1017
00:51:22,946 --> 00:51:25,347
'cause they're dumb.
1018
00:51:27,517 --> 00:51:29,851
I love men, though.
I really do.
1019
00:51:29,886 --> 00:51:31,219
I was on the subway
the other day
1020
00:51:31,254 --> 00:51:33,521
and I heard these two guys
having this conversation.
1021
00:51:33,556 --> 00:51:34,823
So there's two of them.
They're standing
1022
00:51:34,857 --> 00:51:36,391
on the subway
and they're like...
1023
00:51:36,426 --> 00:51:38,494
He's like,
"Dude, you gotta
go to this bar.
1024
00:51:38,528 --> 00:51:41,863
They give you chips as
soon as you sit down."
1025
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:48,002
And the other guy goes,
"Yeah, but they don't
refill 'em, right?"
1026
00:51:51,074 --> 00:51:53,375
He's like,
"They refill 'em
the whole time.
1027
00:51:55,244 --> 00:51:56,811
He goes, "Sick!"
1028
00:51:56,845 --> 00:51:59,281
And then they were quiet
for, like, ten stops.
1029
00:51:59,315 --> 00:52:00,649
Just kinda like...
1030
00:52:04,053 --> 00:52:06,989
just, like, basking
in the great exchange.
1031
00:52:09,558 --> 00:52:11,893
I just-- I just
loved them, you know?
1032
00:52:11,928 --> 00:52:13,929
I just looked at them like,
"I want that.
1033
00:52:13,963 --> 00:52:16,298
Why can't that be me?"
1034
00:52:16,332 --> 00:52:18,133
'Cause you know,
if it had been two girls,
1035
00:52:18,167 --> 00:52:19,701
I would have been
looking, thinking,
1036
00:52:19,703 --> 00:52:24,706
"That's so cool that these
two special needs women...
1037
00:52:24,740 --> 00:52:27,576
found each other, you know?"
1038
00:52:31,447 --> 00:52:33,481
If it had been
me and a girlfriend
1039
00:52:33,516 --> 00:52:36,385
and I was like,
"They give you chips.
1040
00:52:48,864 --> 00:52:50,799
They give you--"
You'd be like,
1041
00:52:50,833 --> 00:52:52,567
"Oh, my God,
where's their stop?
1042
00:52:52,635 --> 00:52:53,768
Like, don't they
have an attendant?"
1043
00:52:53,803 --> 00:52:55,137
You'd be worried.
1044
00:52:57,673 --> 00:52:59,974
But I like creative types.
1045
00:53:00,009 --> 00:53:01,510
I fucked up.
I got to an age,
1046
00:53:01,544 --> 00:53:05,480
I want to be
able to have a conversation
with someone, like an idiot,
1047
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:08,816
and the creative types,
they're all... ugh,
1048
00:53:08,851 --> 00:53:10,452
like, comics and artists.
1049
00:53:10,486 --> 00:53:12,154
They all--
You have to treat
1050
00:53:12,188 --> 00:53:14,122
their dick like
a soufflé in the oven.
1051
00:53:14,156 --> 00:53:16,158
You can't make
a big motion
1052
00:53:16,192 --> 00:53:18,160
or loud noise near it
or it'll fall
1053
00:53:18,194 --> 00:53:21,029
and you have to start over
with a good attitude.
1054
00:53:26,902 --> 00:53:28,236
Is that how
you jerk someone off?
1055
00:53:28,270 --> 00:53:29,404
Am I doing it?
1056
00:53:31,374 --> 00:53:32,474
It's crazy.
1057
00:53:34,710 --> 00:53:36,978
Like, we--
It's crazy that we get--
1058
00:53:37,013 --> 00:53:38,480
we get guilted about this.
1059
00:53:38,514 --> 00:53:40,114
Like, women wanna cum.
1060
00:53:40,149 --> 00:53:41,749
Of course we wanna cum.
1061
00:53:41,784 --> 00:53:43,284
What girls are having sex
1062
00:53:43,319 --> 00:53:45,553
like, "Oh, no, I'm just--
I'm just honored to be
1063
00:53:45,587 --> 00:53:49,590
"witnessing your process.
I-- It's just so cool
1064
00:53:49,625 --> 00:53:51,994
"to be a part of--
No, I don't want to feel
1065
00:53:52,028 --> 00:53:54,396
"the one good thing
we're allowed as humans.
1066
00:53:54,430 --> 00:53:58,367
No, I-- This is just you.
Please, anywhere."
1067
00:53:58,401 --> 00:53:59,634
Um...
1068
00:54:00,936 --> 00:54:03,872
Make your girls cum, guys.
1069
00:54:03,906 --> 00:54:06,307
It's just
explained incorrectly.
1070
00:54:06,341 --> 00:54:07,442
It's just...
1071
00:54:07,476 --> 00:54:09,177
I remember
as a very young girl,
1072
00:54:09,212 --> 00:54:11,045
too young, it was
broken down for me.
1073
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:12,547
It was like,
"Be careful, Amy.
1074
00:54:12,582 --> 00:54:14,883
"Men only want one thing.
1075
00:54:14,917 --> 00:54:16,618
They are all gonna
try and fuck you!"
1076
00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:21,789
I was like, "Okay."
1077
00:54:24,293 --> 00:54:25,727
And then I waited.
1078
00:54:32,401 --> 00:54:34,269
"Let's see.
Am I on the wrong street?
1079
00:54:34,303 --> 00:54:36,371
Are they..."
1080
00:54:37,740 --> 00:54:39,374
I do like talking about sex.
1081
00:54:39,408 --> 00:54:40,742
I like hearing
about it more.
1082
00:54:40,777 --> 00:54:43,511
Like, I love hearing
sex acts, you know?
1083
00:54:43,546 --> 00:54:46,682
There's, like, terms for all
those-- all that stuff.
1084
00:54:46,716 --> 00:54:49,918
Like, there's a...
the donkey punch, you know,
1085
00:54:49,952 --> 00:54:51,452
or, like,
the dirty Sanchez.
1086
00:54:51,487 --> 00:54:52,988
These are the ones--
the classics
1087
00:54:53,022 --> 00:54:54,489
that we all grew
up with, right?
1088
00:54:54,557 --> 00:54:57,158
Those are, like,
the "To Kill a Mockingbird"
1089
00:54:57,192 --> 00:54:58,827
of sex terms.
1090
00:54:58,895 --> 00:55:02,063
But there are so many
that you've never heard of.
1091
00:55:02,097 --> 00:55:03,297
I love hearing new ones.
1092
00:55:03,332 --> 00:55:06,567
There's, like...
there's the dirty Rochester...
1093
00:55:06,602 --> 00:55:08,036
Did you ever hear of that?
1094
00:55:08,070 --> 00:55:13,074
Okay, that is where
the guy shits on your chest
1095
00:55:13,109 --> 00:55:15,676
while he's on a business
trip to Rochester.
1096
00:55:23,185 --> 00:55:25,686
Is that maybe
not really a thing
1097
00:55:25,722 --> 00:55:28,856
and I was perhaps lied to?
1098
00:55:31,560 --> 00:55:33,695
I love-- There--
there's the dolphin.
1099
00:55:33,729 --> 00:55:36,263
That's where the guy tries
to put it in the girl's butt
1100
00:55:36,332 --> 00:55:37,899
and she goes,
"Ehh-ehh, ehh-ehh."
1101
00:55:42,805 --> 00:55:45,006
That's, like,
a fun family one.
1102
00:55:49,411 --> 00:55:51,746
There's...
1103
00:55:51,781 --> 00:55:54,649
the Alaskan pipeline,
which, um...
1104
00:55:56,552 --> 00:56:00,121
a guy shits in a condom,
freezes it...
1105
00:56:00,155 --> 00:56:01,656
and then you know what?
1106
00:56:01,691 --> 00:56:02,790
I won't say
the end of it
1107
00:56:02,825 --> 00:56:04,992
'cause it doesn't end,
like, in a super romantic,
1108
00:56:05,027 --> 00:56:07,629
like, "Notebook-y" type way.
1109
00:56:07,663 --> 00:56:08,930
She doesn't like,
pull it out and find
1110
00:56:08,964 --> 00:56:11,532
a ring on it
and say, like, "Yes!"
1111
00:56:13,535 --> 00:56:15,369
There's no good one
for the girl.
1112
00:56:15,404 --> 00:56:17,839
There's no, like,
wacky Shirley where she sits
1113
00:56:17,873 --> 00:56:19,274
on his face
and reads her tweets,
1114
00:56:19,308 --> 00:56:20,542
like, there's nothing.
1115
00:56:20,544 --> 00:56:22,744
We have nothing.
1116
00:56:25,915 --> 00:56:28,249
Does anyone know one
that's good for the girl?
Anybody?
1117
00:56:28,284 --> 00:56:30,318
No, right?
1118
00:56:30,352 --> 00:56:31,552
I asked that--
I asked that
1119
00:56:31,587 --> 00:56:34,222
in the first show
and somebody said the minivan.
1120
00:56:34,256 --> 00:56:37,391
Two in the front,
five in the back, and...
1121
00:56:42,698 --> 00:56:46,400
I don't even know what
he was referring to, actually.
1122
00:56:47,936 --> 00:56:50,271
Do you guys know any?
I love hearing new ones.
1123
00:56:50,305 --> 00:56:52,240
Does anybody have-- Huh?
1124
00:56:52,274 --> 00:56:55,143
Man: The angry dragon.
The angry dragon?
What is that?
1125
00:56:55,178 --> 00:56:56,578
Um, basically, when you're--
1126
00:56:56,612 --> 00:56:59,414
When a girl
is sucking your dick--
1127
00:56:59,448 --> 00:57:00,882
When a girl
is sucking your dick--
1128
00:57:00,884 --> 00:57:02,617
Oh, my-- Wait, I love
how your girlfriend looks
right now.
1129
00:57:02,651 --> 00:57:04,986
She's like, "Please..."
1130
00:57:05,020 --> 00:57:08,089
You're his mom?
Oh, my God!
1131
00:57:22,238 --> 00:57:25,340
This is totally
your fault, Mom!
1132
00:57:25,374 --> 00:57:28,276
This beautiful boy you raised.
1133
00:57:28,310 --> 00:57:29,811
Well, let's hear the story
of how you were born.
1134
00:57:29,846 --> 00:57:30,912
Go ahead.
1135
00:57:32,581 --> 00:57:33,948
Angry dragon.
1136
00:57:33,983 --> 00:57:36,851
All right. Uh, basically
when you're about to climax,
1137
00:57:36,885 --> 00:57:39,688
when you're getting a blowjob,
you push her head--
1138
00:57:39,722 --> 00:57:42,056
When you're about to climax,
you push her head...
1139
00:57:42,058 --> 00:57:44,258
You push her head
at the back of her--
1140
00:57:44,260 --> 00:57:45,393
I like that
he's acting it out.
1141
00:57:45,428 --> 00:57:49,897
Like, he's like,
"This is what
it looks like! Yes!"
1142
00:57:49,932 --> 00:57:52,900
...and the jizz goes
up through the nose.
1143
00:57:52,935 --> 00:57:54,836
Up through the nose.
1144
00:57:54,870 --> 00:57:56,370
What's your name?
1145
00:57:58,941 --> 00:58:00,542
What is it? George?
1146
00:58:00,576 --> 00:58:01,509
Jordan.
1147
00:58:01,544 --> 00:58:03,011
Jordan, I think
you're grounded.
1148
00:58:10,386 --> 00:58:11,586
I love you, Mom.
1149
00:58:11,620 --> 00:58:13,521
Thank you for bringing him.
1150
00:58:13,556 --> 00:58:18,026
For raising him
into the perfect gentleman.
1151
00:58:18,060 --> 00:58:19,694
There's none that
are good for the girl.
1152
00:58:19,696 --> 00:58:22,297
There's one called the raccoon
where you just punch her
1153
00:58:22,331 --> 00:58:24,632
in both eyes
and knock over her trash.
1154
00:58:24,666 --> 00:58:27,168
Like, they're not...
1155
00:58:27,202 --> 00:58:29,270
That doesn't even make sense.
1156
00:58:34,844 --> 00:58:36,477
There's the Abraham Lincoln.
1157
00:58:36,511 --> 00:58:39,814
That's where he--
the guy trims his pubes,
1158
00:58:39,848 --> 00:58:43,984
- cums on the girl's face, and then...
- throws the pubes...
1159
00:58:45,454 --> 00:58:47,822
so she has that facial hair.
1160
00:58:54,130 --> 00:58:55,864
You guys don't
like US history?
1161
00:58:55,898 --> 00:58:58,266
I can't gauge the crowd.
1162
00:58:58,300 --> 00:58:59,801
What's wrong?
1163
00:59:01,570 --> 00:59:03,404
The worst one
I've ever heard
1164
00:59:03,439 --> 00:59:06,808
is the Houdini,
which is where
1165
00:59:06,842 --> 00:59:09,344
the guy's having sex
with the girl from behind,
1166
00:59:09,378 --> 00:59:13,247
then unbeknownst to her,
his friend subs in for him.
1167
00:59:13,282 --> 00:59:15,784
Guy number one runs outside,
1168
00:59:15,818 --> 00:59:18,719
knocks on the window,
waves to the girl...
1169
00:59:23,993 --> 00:59:25,793
which is just rape.
1170
00:59:25,828 --> 00:59:29,230
Like, that's just rape.
1171
00:59:29,265 --> 00:59:30,965
It's not fair to Houdini.
1172
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:34,068
Like, no girl is gonna
think that's hilarious.
1173
00:59:34,102 --> 00:59:35,703
No girl's gonna be
like, "What?
1174
00:59:35,738 --> 00:59:38,139
"Ahh!
1175
00:59:43,078 --> 00:59:46,314
"Baby, I thought you were
fucking me, but it's Phil!
1176
00:59:46,348 --> 00:59:47,749
I love you!"
1177
00:59:47,783 --> 00:59:51,219
Thank you so much, Apollo!
1178
00:59:51,253 --> 00:59:52,320
Muah!
1179
01:00:05,735 --> 01:00:07,468
♪ Yo ♪
1180
01:00:07,503 --> 01:00:09,404
♪ Man ♪
1181
01:00:10,872 --> 01:00:13,107
♪ Man, uh ♪
1182
01:00:14,476 --> 01:00:15,810
♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪
1183
01:00:15,845 --> 01:00:17,712
♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪
1184
01:00:17,747 --> 01:00:20,815
♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪
1185
01:00:20,850 --> 01:00:22,216
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
1186
01:00:22,251 --> 01:00:23,918
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
1187
01:00:23,953 --> 01:00:25,419
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
1188
01:00:25,454 --> 01:00:27,088
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
1189
01:00:27,123 --> 01:00:28,657
♪ Bitches ain't shit ♪
1190
01:00:28,691 --> 01:00:30,525
♪ And they ain't
sayin' nothin' ♪
1191
01:00:30,559 --> 01:00:33,662
♪ A hundred motherfuckers
can't tell me nothin' ♪
1192
01:00:33,696 --> 01:00:35,030
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
1193
01:00:35,064 --> 01:00:36,731
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
1194
01:00:36,766 --> 01:00:38,232
♪ I beez in the trap ♪
1195
01:00:38,267 --> 01:00:39,934
♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪
1196
01:00:50,445 --> 01:00:54,115
Young Amy:
♪ Let me entertain you ♪
1197
01:00:54,150 --> 01:00:56,751
♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪
1198
01:00:56,785 --> 01:00:59,587
♪ Some old and then
some new tricks ♪
1199
01:00:59,621 --> 01:01:02,523
♪ I'm very versatile ♪
1200
01:01:02,558 --> 01:01:03,558
Man:
Mm-hmm.
1201
01:01:03,592 --> 01:01:05,660
♪ And if you're real good ♪
1202
01:01:05,695 --> 01:01:07,929
♪ I'll make you feel good ♪
1203
01:01:07,963 --> 01:01:12,000
♪ I want
your spirits to climb ♪
1204
01:01:12,034 --> 01:01:16,237
♪ So let me entertain you ♪
1205
01:01:16,271 --> 01:01:19,841
♪ And we'll have
a real good time, oh boy ♪
1206
01:01:19,875 --> 01:01:24,245
♪ And we'll have
a real good time ♪
1207
01:01:30,652 --> 01:01:31,953
Woman:
So easy!
1207
01:01:32,305 --> 01:01:38,597
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