All language subtitles for subtimS05E02 - The Flag And Its Snag

Then he retired
and went in search of paradise.

Where's he live now, then? Clacton.

Her Lionel never got married,

not so much on principle,
I think he was just dead jammy.

No, I'm not having that,

there's more to not getting
married than just staying single.

If you want to not get married then
you've got to really work at it.

But he managed it.

Oh, yes,

but Foggy has several natural
advantages for not getting married.

He has that bachelor shyness
that we've all seen

when he has to take his purse out
and actually pay for anything.

Plus the fact that
he's dead crackers

and prone to going leaping up
steep hills like an excited Brownie.

Where the hell are we going?

Are you coming?

Coming, mein Fuhrer.

If you must do a hill
climb in wellies couldn't you
have got yourself a racing pair?

What's wrong with thee? I've
worn wellies all my civilian life.

I can tell that,
they're the same damn pair.

Get off, there's plenty
of mileage in these yet.

What's all the gallop anyway, Foggy?

You're turning good
human knees into chutney.

And why have you got that purposeful
glint behind your glasses?

I've got this idea,
well, it's more than an idea, really.

I suppose you'd call it a vision.

Oh, you can scoff.

God only knows he can scoff,
I've seen his sandwiches.

But unless his soul has absolutely
shrivelled and not just his vest,

when you get up there
you'll see what I mean.

The view, the grandeur, the valley
spreading out beneath us,

lacking only one thing,
which we are going to supply.

I don't think that's all that funny.

Come on,
I know you're there somewhere.

I try. God knows I've tried to
raise the tone of our activities.

Who introduced you to astronomy?
Right.

Who was it who brought you out
here into the hills one night and
taught you to navigate by the stars?

They got a taxi
back from Cleckheaton.

If it weren't for me you'd just
drift. You would.

Well, he would, you know him,
he drifts, you know he does,
like an oil slick for Nora Batty.

If it hadn't been for me
would either of you enrolled
for art classes this last winter?

Where you would have persisted.

God the things he could do
with a bit of Auxerre drizzle.

Now don't you think I've forgotten,

I will never forget it, if...

Come out. Come out.

Hey, Missus,
careful where you put your feet.

You made me look a right wally there.

Have you ever
been trodden on by a lady hiker?

Not me, I'm a man of simple tastes.

It goes a long way to making
your eyes water, I can tell you.

Did you see her boots?
She had no control over them boots.

Look, can we just stick
together and get a move on?

No more jolly japes, let's call a
halt temporarily to this "Let's
make Foggy look a prawn" campaign.

You've hurt his rotten feelings.

What about thee? Well, it's nice of
you to enquire but I feel all right.

I'm more or less at
peace with the universe.

Except for this nagging suspicion
that Foggy's in the grip of
some enthusiasm again.

Listen, whatever he's got lined up
for us, we stick together. Right?

Right. Through thick and thin?

Through thick and thin.

Now what are you plotting?

It was him.

Now, is that a view
or is that a view?

You mean you don't know?

You brought us all this
flaming way and you don't know?

It's times like this you wish you'd
brought your other glasses.

Damn it, men,
can't you enthuse a bit?

I mean, look at it,

it gets you here, doesn't it,
it gets you right in here.

Where does it get
you exactly, Foggy?

Here, right in here
where my finger's pointing.

Oh, golly, just to the left
of the buckle on your braces.

I don't believe it,

it must make you feel something.

How about shagged?

Shut up.

I don't expect anything better
from you, but come on, Clegg,

look at all that magnificence
spreading out there below you,

what do you really think?

It's a heck of a walk home, Foggy.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

'Ey up, Sid, just because we stagger
in here completely knackered,

there's no need
for thee to make all this fuss.

I mean, we'll sit here
until rigor mortis sets in,

and tha can put us out with
the empty fizzy pop crates.

Excitable, isn't he?

Does he always panic like this?

Beans and clips. Chips.

Well, it looks like clips.

Order it if you like,
but you'll still get chips.

♪ There'll be a welcome
in the hillside... ♪

No singing, this establishment
has no licence for singing.

You've got no licence
for shouting either but
that never stops thou Ivy.

Listen, if you're going to
talk depressing, take your
business somewhere else.

There isn't anywhere else.

Great, isn't it?
Where is the lady of the house?

She's out in front.
In a very big way.

Look you do not make personal remarks
like that about people's wives.

I'm too old to change the
habits of a lifetime.
What are you going to have?

I think maybe a coronary if
you are going to keep marching
us up and down them Pennines.

It's no more than a stroll.

Of course, I keep forgetting that
you haven't had the advantages
of a commando training.

Not one of you could
kill with his bare hands.

His bare feet, perhaps.

How far have you been?

I know we turned
right at Yugoslavia.

All right, all right, I was wrong,
I over-estimated your staying powers.

I had you rated you
as slack and unfit,

whereas to reach that condition you'd
both have to go into half training.

You've upset him this time.
Oh, I don't like to

take all the credit, He's a
tower of strength upsetting wise.

Oh, Norman, you are kind.

It was just that I had this vision,
well, you know me, I'm an ideas man,

you know the old grey matter,
always churning.

That weren't your brains,
that were your belly.

You see, you see how he
trivialises everything?

By God, he's a challenge but I shall
rebuild him, we have the technology.

Come on then what was this vision?

Well. I had this vision once.

I were cast away on a desert island
and who should come slinking round

from behind a coconut tree,
but Nora Batty.

You see, I'd surprised her
in the middle of one
of these native festivals.

Where she has to flick a duster
over this little pot-bellied idol.

That'll be her husband, Warren.

There she stood in all her glory,

wearing a sarong and a white
camellia stuck into her curlers,

and then, pffff... And...

And them rotten crinkled stockings.

By God, why,
she wears them stockings.

Well, why don't you complain? I do,
I've said to her "Nora you're never

"going to get anybody to grab your
leg wearing stockings like that.

"It looks as though
you've got haricot veins."

Will you sit down?

No, let him get on
with it, I like it.

Don't encourage him.
He gets carried away.

God, I wish he would.

Well, there she stood in this jungle
clearing and I'm thinking to myself,

"Oh, oh, Compo,
you could be lucky!"

I wonder what she'll do
for a few glass
beads and a couple of trinkets.

Have you finished?

Aye, because that is all
there is for public consumption.

You see,
as soon as she clapped eyes on me,

she threw this flowered garland
around my neck and then whispered
passionately into my lughole.

"White man, come in Nora's hut."

White, have you any idea how
long it's since you've been white?

Yes, well what about this
vision of yours, Foggy, are
you going to tell us about it?

Well, it was just an idea. Well, no,

no, to be precise, it was
a superb idea. Oh, cor blimey.

And I'm quite determined to carry
it through to the end despite the
quality of the help. What is it?

That I,
former Corporal Dewhurst,

have a plan to put the
perfect finishing touch to
the great British landscape.

Oh, yes. And what better to put
the perfecting finishing touch to

the great British landscape than the
great British flag, the Union Jack.

He's crackers.
I am a craftsman and a patriot, sir.

If it is sited with great artistry in
just the right place, a work of art.

Well, the idea came to me
as a result of attending
those winter art classes.

Are you trying to tell me that you
went all through them art classes

with that great lumpy bird sitting
there starkers that we had to paint,

and all you could think
about were a flag?

Not a flag, THE flag,
my flag, our flag.

I'm not talking about
something handkerchief-size,
I'm talking about something huge.

You see he did notice
that lady we painted...

Oh, no, the biggest we can find at
the top of a tall, proud flagpole,

of the kind which happens to be lying
about abandoned at the back of
what used to be the Sea Cadets' hut.

Listen, let me get this straight.

Are you trying to tell me that when
you lot went painting at night
school there was this nude model?

I thought my idea would
capture your imagination.

Nude, tha's never seen anything
more nude in your life.
It was all hanging out...

Quite right.

He has never seen anything
so nude in all his life,

and at his age I've every confidence
it's going to stay that way. Hmm...

And don't be in there
all day talking filth.

I'm only taking their orders.

Well, I hope you can keep your pencil
still, cos if I see a lot of trembly
handwriting you're in trouble.

Your missus, she don't
go much on nudity, then?

Listen, if it wasn't for
the occasional illustration
in the Coffee Bar Gazette,

I'd still be under the impression
that women were composed almost
entirely of corset material.

I mean, to grab our Ivy playfully.

It's like, it's like feeling
a lorry with an unsecure load.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

What sort of illustrations do they
have in the Coffee Bar Gazette?

Oh, they're all at it these days.

Even the Poultry Keepers' Weekly.

No, man, that was a Rhode Island Red
dressed ready for the oven.

Shows how long it is
since I took any interest.

What about this nude
model at the art class...

I never looked,
it was too embarrassing.

I looked.
Oh, yeah, we know you'd look.

I made the discovery that nude
modelling makes my neck ache.

Why should nude modelling
make your neck ache?

I spent two hours
staring at the ceiling.

It's quite true, I saw him, I thought
he was peering under his glasses.

No way, I'd already
borrowed his glasses.

It's very sad, isn't it?
Grown men going to pieces at the
thought of the naked human form.

Impression of a grown man going
to pieces at sight of a naked form.

Corrr! Sit down.

What is this thing in our background
that won't let us be at ease
with the undraped female form?

You know damn well what this
thing is in my background

that won't let me be at ease
with the undraped female form.

What was that? Form,
my precious, as in racing form.

Application form, platforms.

Uniform.

Foam rubber.

Sorry.

Well, I see you're all on form.

Yeah, covering up for
this big Tinkerbell.

I'm only taking their orders, love.

Well, come in here
and take some of mine.

What's it going to be, lads?

Sausage, beans and clips,
three times.

Funny, very funny.

It should be around here somewhere.

It's a long pole with ropes attached.

We know what a flagpole looks like.

Like thee without a cap.

Now, you look for it over there
and I'll take this section here.

Look, Foggy's found it.

Did you see that? The old instinct,
the way the body rolls with the fall,

distributing the impact evenly
throughout the base of the spine?

I'm not as fit as I used to be.

Thou never was.

Are you sure you're all right?

You seem to be getting
your colour back.

Lord knows what colour it is.

Yes, I'm all right, just I've got to
take my meals standing for a while.

Fancy leaving a damn flagpole
laying about.

I don't suppose there's any
chance, is there, Foggy, of you
regarding this as an omen, mm?

Do you think it might be a little
hint from the gods that we ought
to abandon the whole scheme?

I mean, great idea, but who are
we to defy the anger of the gods?

Come back here! We're not
packing in at the first little snag!

I do usually. Me too.

I here this voice that says,
"If at first you don't succeed,
pack it in!"

Get hold of that end, let's see
how much weight we've got here.

It's been lying here for years.

It could be a sacred
Sea Cadet flagpole,

bringing untold misfortune
to any unbeliever who defiles it.

What, white man come in Nora's hut?

Get hold of that end.

All right, lift.

Hey, just a minute.

How are we going to get this damn
great lump up that hill?

All right, all right, don't panic.

It's just a simple tactical
problem we have to solve, that's all.

How? Well, I'm thinking about it.

Have you got any suggestions?

Aye, stick it up your...

While you've been arguing, I've
been sitting here under this pole

thinking, why doesn't somebody
get me out from under this pole?

I only mention this A, because
I can't move and B, as it's damp

under here and there seems to
be every possibility of getting
woodlice in the trousers.

All right, go on, lift, lift.

Ever since I read some Harold
Robbins I've had this nightmare
about woodlice in the trousers.

It's staring us in the face.

The solution is
staring us in the face.

The flagpole is too heavy to carry,
therefore we need some transport.

Logical thinking, right? Right?

It is a swift military
assessment of the situation.

Shades of the old Desert Fox.

Tha'll need a chuffing helicopter.

How are you going to get a
lorry up that hill, mein Fuhrer?

How did we get guns up the
hills in Italy during the war,
big long, heavy guns?

Not by lorry, by a much more
primitive form of transport.

British Rail?

On the back of a mule.

A mule?!

Possibly two mules.

You mean those sort of reject
horses that look like seconds?

No, I mean mules,
extremely adaptable, very useful,

vicious, treacherous little animals.

Oh, I know. Come back with you.

Did you think I hadn't
planned for all that?

I mean, give me a little
bit of credit.

You don't think Corporal Dewhurst
is going to handle mules?

Oh, no, not for a minute.
He'll be banking on finding a couple
of dozy pillocks to do it for him.

What, you two?

What, Pinky and Perky,
handling mules? Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Can we have that in writing?

If you want a skilled job doing,
you go to an expert.

Who do we know who's
an expert with mules? Willis.

Willis?!

Well, its way past closing time,
he ought to be leaving any minute.

Oh, speak of the devil,
here he comes now.

Out! Oh!

Willis. Don't go near that pub, lads,
they get nasty when you won't leave.

They're tossing you out
much further these days, Willis.

It's that new landlord. He always
likes to do everything bigger
and better than the last one did.

Why don't you change pubs, Willis?

What and be thrown out by
strangers? Oh, no, I couldn't.

Can you walk, Willis? I don't need
to. I've got my own transport.

Hey, Willis. Aye.

I don't want to sound technical
but shouldn't somebody be
driving this thing?

Oh, no. Leave it to the horse,
the horse knows where she's going.

Have you still got
those mules, Willis?

Not on me.

Keep him awake,
we might be able to
come to some arrangement here.

How the hell can I keep him awake?

Keep irritating him, like you do me.

He's soaked out of his mind.

That's a wicked rumour
to start about anybody just
because they keep falling down.

Lift his head up and let
it drop back smartly.

Oh, charming! How long were
you in the Gestapo, mein Fuhrer?

Mules, Willis!

And you.

I still think somebody
ought to be driving.

No, no, leave it to the horse,
the horse knows where she's going.

Why are we coming back to the pub,
Willis? The pub, Willis!

You great, daft, stupid animal!

ALL: Leave it to the horse,
the horse knows where it's going.

It's not that he's a real drinker,

it's only when he thinks
about his wife leaving him.

Oh, I didn't know
his wife had left him?

She hasn't,
he doesn't like to think about it.

She'll be at home, then.

No. She'll be out putting a curse
on everyone that won't buy her pegs.

He's had a romantic life,
has Willis.

Marrying that exotic
dark-eyed creature

who taught him the 14 secret
mind-blowing ways to cook
your hedgehog.

They say she can cure warts.

It hasn't done much for Willis.

I wouldn't know her if I saw her,
what's she look like anyway?

Well, you remember that film Golden
Earrings where Marlene Dietrich
played this great-looking gypsy?

Vaguely, yeah. Well, don't
remind Willis, he'll kill you.

I wonder if she's got
anything for my back.

With a front like you've got,
you should worry about your back.

'Ey up!

How long have you been there?

Now, then, mules.

You see, Willis,

I have this vision.

Me too, kiddo. Horrible little green
things crawling all over the photo
of my Uncle Herbert's scrapyard

that I keep on my bedside table as
a reminder of where hard work
can get you.

Mind you, that was last year.

It's been much better since I cut
down on alcohol.

That's Blossom, that's Flower.

Right, they know who they are,
who's going to tell them who we are?

No problem.

You see, you can handle them.

They'll follow you anywhere.

Look, Willis, we'll come back when
your legs are working better.

You stay where you are.

If Willis is sure we can handle
them ourselves, then we can
handle them ourselves.

They're like a pair of kittens.

Why don't we start
with a pair of kittens?

Come out of there.

Come on, man, buck up.

Steady, steady.

Get up, get on.

Hold on!

Buck yourself on like...

Flower?

Fix it with your eye, master it.

Oh, no, no, no.

Blossom?

Don't tease, get on it, get your leg
on it, sit on it.

You're doing it all wrong.
You're doing it all wrong!

Those men! Come back!

Come back, you've done nothing yet.

By heck, Willis,
those kittens of yours are fit.

I don't know why you packed it in.
I thought you were just
getting the hang of it.

Any more bright ideas?

I haven't finished with this one yet,
just a temporary setback.

We shall overcome.

"We", you notice, not him.

Don't you like to feel
part of something worthwhile?

Don't you ever feel anything,
apart from scruffy?

I don't feel any parts
after them mules.

Sir. Take this down.

Oh, yes, sir.

Ready, sir.

To whom it may concern,

this is to testify
that since coming into contact with

former Corporal Dewhurst, my life
has been completely changed.

He is, in my opinion, one of
his generation's leading idiots

and I heartily recommend him to
anyone in need of the same.

Sign it.

Thank you.

Come on, get a move on.

So, if you ever need
a reference, Foggy...

I have all the references
I require, thank you.

Including one signed by Lieutenant
Colonel, The Earl Of Bridlington.

Zam, powey, and labour exchange,
The Earl Of Bridlington!

An officer and a gentleman,
a great Englishman.

An institution as sound and as solid,

well, as this dry-stone wall.

Yes, that's a weak spot.

It's a good job I noticed that,
you know.

Anyone with less sharp eyes could
have come a nasty cropper there.

You can run along now.

I'm going to stand to attention
for a while.

I always feel better when I
stand to attention for a while.