All language subtitles for S06E01 - In the Service of Humanity

I wonder what this looked
like in the Ice Age? Chilly.

It must've been impressive -
A sort of barren grandeur.

Enormous shapes everywhere,
but not a sign of life.

Sounds like Local Government
since reorganisation!

Ey up! I've been thinkin'.

Oh yes, look at that!

Face all screwed up with
mental effort.

Primitive man discovers language.

Bog off!

His very first words.

Do you mind! I'm tryin'
t'say somethin'.

Very well, small scruffy person,
get it off your chest.

Forgotten what it is now.

Oh, my God!

Now we shall never know what
fundamental breakthrough was about
to creep out from under that hat.

My brain gets confused sometimes.

We've noticed that.

Ey! I wonder if
wellies rot yer brain?

True.

When did you last see
the Nobel Prize go to anybody
wearing wellies?

If you don't like 'em why do you
wear 'em? Sentimental reasons.

His mother used to wear wellies.
Only in the 'ouse!

I remember his mother.

She was the kind of woman
who could have inspired
the inventor of the bulldozer.

She once threw a rent man at me.

That's a lie! She didn't throw
'im at thee.

Tha just 'appened to be passin'
at the time!

And rent men were much smaller
in those days.

Marvellous how they've recovered,
when you think that rent men were
practically extinct in the Ice Age.

Wonderful how nature keeps balance.

Look at you two for instance -
He's the scruffy one with few
natural advantages...

And you're the one standing with
your boot in the sheep droppings.

My God!

What's up?

See if he's left a note.

A note?

What would 'e write to us for?

A suicide note, yer muffin!

Hang about, Foggy.

Maybe he's just swimming.

Can you see anyone swimming? No.

Poor devil.

There's no note.

Just a few 10p pieces.

Put 'em back.

I'm just countin' 'em. Put 'em back!

I bet your granny used to knit by
the guillotine, take sandwiches,
front row of the stalls.

What's up now?

Remove your hat.

What good would that do?

The man's gone.

Well yer not likely to find 'im
under my 'at, are you?

Suppose he's only just gone under.

Suppose he's not quite dead yet.

Ah yes, I was wondering when
someone was going to think of that.

Compo, you search downstream.

Clegg, upstream. Argh!

I hope he hasn't got spots.

Takes the edge off
the kiss of life.

Maybe we could just hold his hand.

See anything?

Just this great prong on the bank
sayin' "Can yer see anything?"

Put your heads under, look for him.

Don't stand so close together.

Stay back, stay back!
Some poor devil's just gone under.

Oh dear!

They will go in on full stomachs.

Worse thing you can do.

My own feeling is, the poor chap
was at the end of his tether.

Got an instinct for these things.

I've got my chaps looking for him.

Quite frankly, if he wants to go,
is it fair to haul him back?

Oh..! I...er...ah...

Oh...er..I say....

No need to bother.

I've found him myself.

YOU...GREAT...PILLOCK!

I have no regrets,
I make no apologies.

We had the noblest of intentions,
in the service of humanity.

Well I felt a right prawn.

But think how you'd feel
if we'd saved his life.

Saved 'im? We nearly killed 'im!
Cheeky bat nearly died laughin'.

It was very embarrassing.
Why did you tell him?

I wanted to tell him what a damned
nuisance he'd been, leaving his
clothes on the bank like that.

Wasting the time of the rescue
authorities, not to mention
exposing us to extreme danger.

Well, I thought you handled that
dangerous dry land very well, Foggy.

You'll be in danger all right
if you ever do that again.

I can't bear 'avin' my loins
in cold water.

Everythin' shrinks so.

And we're NOT the rescue authority.
on a purely private basis.

Well, we're not exactly the rescue
authority, I'll grant you that.

But we are something much more
precious - we're three individuals
with the right stuff in our veins.

And pneumonia.

Ready to answer the call.

What call?

The call of danger.

Must be a wrong number.

There you are, luv.
Ah! Thank you, luv.

In the service of humanity.

First aid kit.

First aid manual.

Flask of hot, sweet tea.

Aspirins, one torch -
hand, battery.

Assorted splints,

and emergency surgical instruments.

Hang about! What's these
emergency surgical instruments?

Er...at the moment
it's a Swiss Army penknife,

and a bent spoon.

Well, that's pretty comprehensive.

We can build up our equipment as
we go, these'll do to start with.

Right! There's almost no emergency
known to man that you can't
handle with a Swiss Army penknife,

and a bent spoon.

HEY!

What I want to know is
where did y'get that spoon?

It's my old army spoon, madam.

It'd better be!
Ours are all counted.

Not that we begrudge the odd spoon
in the service of humanity.

I think the only part of humanity
that wants servicing is...

..that lot!

They laughed at
Florence Nightingale.

I should think so, if all she 'ad
was a bent spoon.

Hey! It's the fairy queen.

Where's 'e goin' dressed like that?

Wherever there is need, madam.

You'll get locked up.

I shall become a figure of hope
to all those in pain.

As soon as is practicable, I shall
dress you two in the same uniform.

Wow! Imagine, the same uniform!

'E's not gettin' me in any
Superman outfit.

You can't turn up to an accident
looking like that!
You'd be upstaging all the victims.

Superman is from Yorkshire!
We should have known.

It's scandalous!

Look at it! There's not
an appliance in sight.

It's typical! Absolutely nothing
here one could rescue anyone with.

What are you doing?

You're not in the
spirit of this, are you?

You've noticed that!

Don't let 'im come too close -
He'd sooner push somebody in
than 'ave nobody to rescue.

I don't understand all this apathy.

Apathy?

THEY SING
# Apathy birthday to you!
# Apathy birthday to you!

I would've thought our experience
would've fired your enthusiasm.

Oh, it did - it really fired
our enthusiasm.

We are in the rescue business -
the noblest of professions -
saving decent, little people.

The others we can throw back!

But seriously, didn't it excite
you in the water? Didn't you
feel anything?

I did - I felt somethin'
wrigglin' in my welly.

D'you know what I felt?

Wet.

I felt useful.

Just for once, we were doing
something important...helpful.

And it came to me in a flash.

So did that thing in my welly.

Like a vision.

This is what we ought to be doing
with our lives.

Come on, on your feet.
You'll feel different
once we've really rescued somebody.

If it's all the same to
you, Foggy - I had planned
to fritter my life away harmlessly.

Not good enough.
Well, I just thought I'd mention it.

A man must have purpose in life.

What's wrong with beer and women?

Judging by the way you look,
they're not to be recommended.
Now, get a move on.

Keep your eyes open.

We're looking for something
that will help us to reach out
to anyone struggling in the water.

If we find something, we'll take
it back to the canal-side
and leave it there for an emergency.

That's it.

An old ladder?

Well, we have to improvise.

We haven't got the resources
available to the authorities.
We have to make do.

The point that keeps on occurring
to me, Foggy, is that it's not
exactly OUR ladder.

Nobody's claiming it's OUR ladder.

We're not taking it to be
OUR ladder, we're merely moving it
so it becomes the public's ladder.

Or that portion of the public
which keeps falling into the canal.

Give us a hand.

SOUND OF A CAR CRASH

Leave the ladder!

No time for that now - COME ON!

Well, come on!

Look at 'im -
runnin' about like a big girl!

I won't look if there's blood.

Who's got the bag? You've
forgotten the bag, haven't you!

What about THEE?

Have I got to think about
everything? Fetch the bag!

Some poor devil's going to need it.

D'you think there's going to be
a lot of blood?

A lot of blood?

Er...I hadn't really thought
in terms of a lot of blood.

I was aiming more for clean breaks
spot of concussion, touch of shock.

'Ere, and don't leave...

..tha's 'andbag lyin' about again.

What's wrong wi' you two?

We're thinking about blood.

Oh, give me the bag -
I'm no stranger to blood.

Oh, I like a bit o' blood -
fried in black puddin'!

Well, I do!

I bet there's 14 dead.

Ey up! It were only a shunt.

What do we need with 14 dead,
when we've got the Town Council?

Does that look like 14 dead?

Is there any blood?

There's none!

It's all under control - Foggy's
approachin' with 'is 'andbag.

Oh! I knew there'd be some blood.

It's all gone now.

Tha were right, Foggy - tha said
some poor devil would need
treatment from yer bag!

He'll live. Nothin's broken,
he's just squashed the end a bit.

What were yer doin'?

Runnin' into somebody's fist?

I was on an errand of mercy, madam.

Pokin' your nose into somebody
else's business more like!

OOH!

What are you doin' standin' there?
Why do you get this URGE
to be motionless?

Why is it, that a million years
of natural selection...

..has produced a breed of men
in these parts, perfectly adapted
to uselessness?

Would you mind repeating that?

They say it's a mystery
why primitive man ever came down
out of the trees.

Well, it's no mystery to me.

If 'e were owt like you lot, I
expect the silly devil FELL out!

A trifle short on sympathy.
Aye, but she stopped the bleeding.

It wouldn't dare!

There's no flannel with your Ivy,
she's straight up and down. Well...

Not exactly straight.

Is it swollen? How does it look?

Terrible.

Worse than that.

No! They're having you on, Foggy.

It's really quite horrible!

No, it's not, is it?

No, don't panic! It were never
much of a nose anyroad.

It was a classical nose!
Oh my God, me nose!

I was very happy with my nose.
It was sort of early George Sanders.

It's more like Colonel Sanders now.

Yes! That's real Kentucky fried.

I'm glad you find it amusing.

I don't suppose it's that amusin'.

But when yer live in a little
cafe like mine all yer life, you're
grateful for any laugh yer can get.

Does it hurt? Course it hurts!

What I find so appalling is that
they struck me while I was under
the red cross flag.

Like shooting down
the flying doctor.

I couldn't retaliate, could I?

You can't go around
with a karate chop
when you're wearing the red cross.

Karate chop? That looks more like
a lamb chop.

My God! They'd have been in
trouble if I hadn't been bound
by the Geneva Convention.

Ah well, all's well that ends well.

You call this ending well?

It's a small price to pay if
it's put an end to your ambitions
for serving humanity.

Put an end to it? You don't
think I'm going to be deterred
by the first little set back?

Oh give us a tea, Sid. And me!

Oh, and one for the lady
with the lamp!

It's nothing to do with you!

We saw him first, dammit!

We were rendering first aid,

almost before he fainted!

Forget it! All of you! I'm fine!

Open this door!
OPEN THIS DOOR!

We paid for our tickets.

What are you going to do if you
have a real disaster in there?
Handle it yourselves? Three of you?

That's the trouble
with the medical profession.

Terrified of the skilled amateur.

Why don't yer take it off?
They think you're the cabaret.

Take what off?

The matron's outfit!
Yer makin' a spectacle of yerself.

Advice on what to wear from
from Yorkshire's Barbara Cartland.

Yer embarrassing folk.
Who am I embarrassing?

Him.

I wouldn't say embarrassed exactly.

It's more like hoping everybody
understands we're not related.

Well, 'e's embarrassing me.

How d'you think YOU look?

Masculine...Rugged!

Thirsty. Definitely thirsty.

Look, I haven't finished this one.
You can't go thrusting a sore nose

Look at 'im sup that!

Like Aunty Connie's canary.

I didn't know she'd got a canary.

She was scared of livin' alone.

Very sensible. You wonder why more
lonely widows don't think of that.

Getting themselves the protection
of a vicious canary.
Trained to kill, is it?

A deadly Doberman canary?

She keeps it for gas leaks.
She's terrified of gas leaks

Why didn't she get
an electric canary?

Because she's poor,
we're all poor in our family.

Because you never worked.
Listen Elsie,

when you're makin' a livin'
bein' poor, it's very difficult
to find the time to go to work.

The Simmonites didn't go into
poverty with their eyes closed.
They really thought about it.

Aye, we were very good at being
poor. We were famous for it.

You were famous for not going to
work. That's why you were poor.

No! I blame that on God.

That's right! Typical!
Blame the Conservatives.

I remember when I were a young lad
bein' slung out of this boozer.

You didn't blame that on God?
Not exactly.

I should hope not!
You were always being thrown out.

That's true.

There was one very irritatin'
habit that landlords cannot stand.

What is that? We ask cautiously.

'Avin' no money.

So, after I picked meself off
the floor and made a meaningful
gesture towards the taproom...

Well, yer do.

..I went for a walk up the 'ill -
There were a full moon. Fascinating.

Feels compelled to make meaningful
gestures when there's a full moon.

It were very bright - a lovely
night but it were a bit too clear
for ferreting.

Yer could see right down
the valley.

And I suddenly thought - there's
that big, fat moon up there, what
am I doin' down 'ere with no money.

Whichever way yer look at it,
that's the major snag
about bein' poor - no money.

Then I 'eard meself sayin' -
"Hey, God..."

"I 'ope you've got a good reason
for me bein' Compo Simmonite
and not the Duke of Bedford".

Or even the Duchess of Bedford.

No, no, no - I've never had
the slightest desire
to be the Duchess of Bedford.

That's good news
for the Duke of Bedford.

I thought I might find you in 'ere.
'Ow do, Wally.

What's this then?
'Ave I missed somethin'?
Is it National Swiss Week?

Sit down, if you're stopping.

I might, if you're not goin'
t'start yodellin'.

'E's not goin' t'start? Sit down.
Nobody's going to start yodelling.

They do y'know. They yodel.
Yer can see it on television.

They're not there two minutes
before they're yodellin'.

Well, 'ang around Wally, if yer
got the time, we might get a drink.

Keeps it in a bottle
round 'is neck?

Very humorous, I'm sure.

'Ow's yer Aunty Connie's canary?
Nicely thanks, Wal.

You knew about it then?
Oh yes, she's famous for 'er canary
is Aunty Connie.

I keep tellin' 'em.
Keeps it for gas leaks.

She's of a very nervous
disposition is my Aunty Connie.

Gets the Gas Board out every time
it falls asleep.

To what do we owe the pleasure
of this surprise visit?

I've been wonderin' too. 'Ow come
Nora let you off the leash?

No, it's 'er idea - she sent me out
- I'm completely legit.

It's turnin' out to be a really
magical Tuesday.

It come as a complete surprise.

There she was shoutin' at me -
"Don't just stand there,
go out and get some 'elp!"

Help? Aye, so I'm 'ere.

What sort of help?
She wants some furniture liftin'.

Well, Wal, d'you fancy a drink?
Aye, there's time for a drink.

She's not goin' anywhere -
she's trapped under the bed.

Trapped? How d'you manage that?

Just lucky, I suppose.

She went under after a speck
of fluff and got the back
of 'er pinny hooked on a spring.

Can't you lift the bed?

It's our marriage bed,
damned great thing.

Bloke can get a hernia strugglin'
on 'is own with 'is marriage bed.

Hey up, Nora! Yer worries are over,
I'm 'ere!

Oh my God!
It's not 'im is it?

It is!
I know them wellies.

'Ow do, Nora?
Keep away!

You look very attractive
under there.

Where's me 'usband?

It suits you,
bein' fast under a bed.

Get me 'usband!
I want me 'usband!

'E's comin' luv -
'E's showin' Foggy
'is pigeon photos.

Don't worry luv, I'll 'ave you out
in two shakes of whatever it is
I can get 'old of.

Oh, them wrinkled stockin's! Ugh!

Oops! Oh!

What are you doin' 'ere?

You've no business under 'ere!
Get away! Ooh!

Nora! For future reference, just
be careful where yer put y'boot.

Come out of there!

And about time too!

Leavin' me to the mercy
of every passin' maniac.

She's very deceptive is Nora.
She's bigger than yer think.

Get hold of the bed! Jump to it!

And hurry up! What'll folk think
with all these men in my bedroom?

If you keep quiet about it, Nora,
WE will.

Right, lift!

By heck! This is some bed is this!

Oh, yer need some stamina
for a bed like this.

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! GET OUT!

NOT YOU!

I 'AVEN'T FINISHED WITH YOU!

Come along - stop hanging behind.

If we're going to be efficient
we've got to practise rescue drill.

You see what an excellent piece
of rescue equipment this could be.

Right, get on with it.

Why me? That's what I want to know.
Why me?

Don't worry, we've got
all the responsibility.

You'd hate it here.

With all this responsiblity.

I'll come back and strangle
the first one who steps off!

Nobody's going to step off.
You've got by far the most
interesting job.

You can tell by his face...

..that he's got the most
interesting job.

FETCH MY LADDER BACK!

YOU! OUT THERE!

What's that fool doing...

..waving his arms about?

He's trying to tell us something.

Hey Foggy! Y'luck's in. Some
fella wants rescuin' off the roof.

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