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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:05,171
I love show business!
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Do bankers or doctors
get a breakfast tent?
3
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No, suckers.
4
00:00:09,042 --> 00:00:11,042
This croissant is heaven, right?
5
00:00:11,043 --> 00:00:13,144
Hey, this is Craft services for the cast
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and crew of The Good Wife only.
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We're both.
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He's a grip, and I'm playing the judge.
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Oh god, oh, come on, guys.
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This is what it's come to,
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00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:22,721
stealing food from Julianna Margulies.
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Yeah, well how else am I
supposed to feed myself?
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00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,726
It's Christmas re-run season.
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I don't have any recap money until January
15
00:00:28,694 --> 00:00:30,462
when The Bachelor starts up again.
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I know, my tips are crap.
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The cafe is dead.
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00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,032
I'm worried I'm not gonna be able
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to pay the band for our show.
20
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I know, we have to figure something out.
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I think I'm gonna get some
money from my brother.
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Gary's wife went to Israel
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because of course she did,
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so now they're gonna pay me
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to pick up their awkward daughter
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and take her to her Latin
tutor a few times a week.
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Well, why should gentiles be the only ones
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roped into Christmas family bullshit?
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Why are there still so
many drunk Santas around,
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isn't Santa Con of a one day thing?
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It was.
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They made it a week so that New York
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could fleece bar crawlers
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for even more of their dirtbag money.
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Fucking DiBlasio!
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I know, right?
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Fuck him!
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I like his wife.
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She's cool.
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Asshole!
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What the fuck?
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Why can't things be
easier for us, you know?
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Why do we have to be
miserable all the time?
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I know, what will it take for us
45
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to experience joy during this,
46
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the most magical time of the year?
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Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.MY-SUBS.com
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It's okay, Matthew.
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You can't ruin my favorite tradition
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with one mistake.
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I thought that secret Santa meant
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I tell a secret to the
person whose name I picked.
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Which is why you now know
about all the things
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I'd like to do on J.K. Simmons.
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I sure do.
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Baby, you wanna reveal whose
secret Santa you are?
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It was Billy.
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Yeah, I figured once I unwrapped my gift
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and saw that it was an old In Touch Weekly
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with your hair salon's address on it.
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You love all that celebrity shit.
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Just say thank you, God.
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Thank you.
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Only 25 things I didn't know
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00:02:01,089 --> 00:02:04,256
about Melissa Gorga can save this day.
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00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:08,494
Oh, and look, celebrity
gay dads, how cute.
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00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:09,561
Yeah, Neil Patrick Harris,
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Ricky Martin, Perez Hilton,
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00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,633
and Denis O'Hare take their little kiddos
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to My Dancing Divas dance
studio in Tribeca.
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I love Denis O'Hare.
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A sentence I didn't
expect to hear from you.
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He's in that new Marvel movie.
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Yeah, the Bryan Singer one.
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Bryan Singer, another gay dad.
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Boy, these gay dads have a
lot of high-profile gigs.
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Oh yeah, it's the gay dad mafia.
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I mean, that dance school is the center
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of show business in New York right now.
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You can practical smell Alan Cumming
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looking for a surrogate.
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Honey, why don't you close up?
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Matty and I are gonna go hat shopping,
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just to be whimsical.
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And I'll get the tree.
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Billy, you can come with.
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Oh actually, I was gonna see if you guys
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wanted me to work an extra shift tomorrow.
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Look around, Billy McGoo,
restaurant is dead.
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Come on, Matty.
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Oh, hey, Billy, if you need some money,
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have you thought about a career
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- in the entertainment industry?
- Shut up, man.
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No, no, no, I hear The
Mysteries of Laura is hiring.
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Maybe one of their mysteries can be
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why don't cute pants come in Billy's size?
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You know what, Matthew,
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I'm starting to think maybe
Kirk Cameron is right.
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About what?
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About the fact that you're too gay.
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Okay.
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I'm sorry about the shift tomorrow.
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It's all right,
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I have to pick up my stupid niece anyway.
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I think I have an idea though.
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Who the fuck are you talking to, Billy?
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Ah, there you are.
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Would you object to my fucking
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some rich guys for money?
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Now hear me out.
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Not yucky prostitution
like in Leaving Las Vegas,
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adorable prostitution
like in Pretty Woman.
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Noodles, my parents are here, remember.
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Happy holidays, Julie!
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Ace, Bunny, is it Christmas already?
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Seems like you guys were just here.
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Sometimes I feel like
it's always Christmas
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and you're always here.
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Julie, we were just
saying you must join us
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on our next Connecticut vacation.
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That was last year.
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We caught a marlin off our schooner,
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with a badminton net.
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It's true.
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Rubberplant, my parents were just saying,
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that while they're here,
they're going to renew
127
00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:03,777
their wedding vows at the Elk Club.
128
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Oh, that's sweet.
129
00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:07,712
But isn't that a little
sentimental for you guys?
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00:04:07,713 --> 00:04:10,115
Well, the vows are plain and factual.
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We don't wanna be rude.
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So how's your Hanukkah, Julie?
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What?
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Oh, Hanukkah, yes.
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Thank you for asking.
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It's okay.
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I have a show coming up,
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which I'm excited for,
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and I'm a little stressed out
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because I'm short on cash.
141
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We're trying--
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figure that out.
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00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:28,700
What's wrong with your parents?
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Are they having seizures?
145
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You know that my parents can't tolerate
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any talk of money or feelings.
147
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,775
But I have none of one and
so many of the other.
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00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,276
Can you ask your mother?
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00:04:38,277 --> 00:04:40,578
Yeah, if I want to be
emotionally blackmailed.
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00:04:40,579 --> 00:04:42,480
Last week she took me grocery shopping,
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00:04:42,481 --> 00:04:44,682
and now I have to pay it back to her
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00:04:44,683 --> 00:04:47,152
by tagging along while she
buys herself more clothes.
153
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:49,354
Yes, well, if your family had a motto
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00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,456
for its coat of arms it
would be, "Quid pro quo".
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00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:53,360
Yes, and the coat would
be from Loehmann's.
156
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,560
- Julie.
- Yes.
157
00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:55,560
You wanna hear an embarrassing
158
00:04:55,561 --> 00:04:56,763
story about Arthur?
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00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,998
Sure.
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00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,501
One time he ordered a Malbec.
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00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,278
So thanks again for the loan,
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00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:14,481
and I'm sorry I had to ask for money
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two times in one month.
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It is a lot of money, Julie.
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Are you in some kind of trouble?
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00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:20,452
No, I told you.
167
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,189
Billy and I have a big
show at the Cutting Room,
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00:05:22,190 --> 00:05:24,423
and we have to hire a full band.
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Musicians are not like comedians.
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You actually have to pay them.
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They have a skill.
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Can you bring this to the register please,
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in my size in every color.
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Do you have a dress for the show?
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Let me get this for you.
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Owning one pretty dress won't kill you.
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Why are you burning through money
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like it's a California forest?
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00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,709
It's Christmas, Julie.
180
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It's suicide season,
181
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AKA ka-ching city.
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All right, I don't wanna be coarse,
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00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,048
but it is that time of year
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when everybody gets down
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and then they wanna kill themselves.
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00:05:52,651 --> 00:05:53,551
Well, could you blame them?
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Think of all the time
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they're spending with their families.
189
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So I'm inspired by Uber
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and I've begun peak surge pricing.
191
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,195
Really?
192
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,163
And you have no guilt about that?
193
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About being available for my patients
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00:06:07,032 --> 00:06:08,268
when they need phone sessions?
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No.
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I'm helping.
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I'm just helping at a higher rate.
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Okay, I got to go.
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I have to go downtown and rehearse.
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00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:18,176
We have barely spent any
time with one another.
201
00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:19,544
All right, how about tomorrow?
202
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,512
Would you stop by the book club?
203
00:06:21,513 --> 00:06:23,281
With all due respect, I'm
not really interested
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in Phyllis Scopneck's take on Gone Girl.
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Fine.
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00:06:26,419 --> 00:06:27,254
Then I guess I'll see you
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00:06:27,255 --> 00:06:30,089
the next time you need money.
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00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,757
Mom, that's not fair.
209
00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:34,259
Look, I'm sorry I'm not successful yet
210
00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:35,662
in my field of choice,
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00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:38,030
but I appreciate your help.
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00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,265
Not enough to spend time with me.
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00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,701
I can't do this anymore.
214
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I'll get a job.
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00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,374
Hello, Richard.
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00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,241
This is a fine time for a phone session.
217
00:06:50,242 --> 00:06:53,079
It is 2.7 times higher than
my normal rate though.
218
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,114
Is that okay?
219
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:01,753
Uncle Billy, why are we here?
220
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:03,154
This isn't Latin class.
221
00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:04,188
Tal, listen to me.
222
00:07:04,189 --> 00:07:05,258
Latin will not make you cooler.
223
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,992
This is a better option.
224
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,027
Look around.
225
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,328
There are A-list gay dads everywhere.
226
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:13,264
So, because you believe
there's a gay dad mafia,
227
00:07:13,265 --> 00:07:14,632
I have to pretend to be your daughter
228
00:07:14,633 --> 00:07:16,036
and take a dance class?
229
00:07:16,037 --> 00:07:17,403
Yes, for my career.
230
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,570
If I skip Latin, I'd
have to lie to my dad.
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00:07:19,571 --> 00:07:20,538
That's even cooler.
232
00:07:20,539 --> 00:07:21,406
Come on, let's go.
233
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:22,475
I'm going to sign you up.
234
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,248
I'll do this for you
235
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,084
if you help me get a makeover.
236
00:07:31,085 --> 00:07:32,217
A makeover.
237
00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:33,618
Who taught you about gay men?
238
00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,488
We're not all invested in
making women look better.
239
00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:36,555
I don't care.
240
00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:38,390
I want spa services.
241
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,058
My sister's always the one
242
00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:41,659
getting felt up at Bar Mitzvahs.
243
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,628
I'm sick of being the smart one.
244
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,029
Well, for what it's worth,
245
00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:46,433
we don't call you the smart one.
246
00:07:46,434 --> 00:07:47,433
Please.
247
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:48,633
All right, fine, maybe after class
248
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:49,736
we can start with an eyebrow wax
249
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,170
as a point of entry.
250
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:52,372
I'm going to call Julie.
251
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,406
Hi, sorry to bother you,
252
00:07:55,407 --> 00:07:56,708
but my niece needs to get an eyebrow wax
253
00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:58,409
so that I can join the gay mafia.
254
00:07:58,410 --> 00:08:00,244
I could give you the name of my salon,
255
00:08:00,245 --> 00:08:02,649
but I don't think they
wax children's eyebrows.
256
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,619
Listen, hey, I got to go.
257
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,788
I've never said this
before, but I'm at work.
258
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,658
Do these pants have any parabens in them?
259
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,327
You know they're linking
those to autism now.
260
00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:18,698
Ooh, you don't look autistic to me.
261
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,000
What face am I making?
262
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,367
I don't have to tip you, right?
263
00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:23,534
I only have hundreds
264
00:08:23,535 --> 00:08:25,538
until my au pair gets
back from Balducci's.
265
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:29,141
My roommate in college used
to do, not prostitution,
266
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,476
but, like, she'd dress up and guys would,
267
00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:33,311
like, jerk off in front of her.
268
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:35,146
Anyway, she'd find clients in Balducci's.
269
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,180
Isn't that funny?
270
00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:37,281
Like, walking around the aisles.
271
00:08:37,282 --> 00:08:38,649
This is taking longer
272
00:08:38,650 --> 00:08:40,587
than getting a good table at Le Bernardin.
273
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:42,421
Ah, good one.
274
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,223
You like movies?
275
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,090
You ever seen Capturing the Friedmans?
276
00:08:46,091 --> 00:08:47,458
Let me tell you about it.
277
00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,760
There's this guy in Great Neck,
278
00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:51,031
and he used to teach computer classes.
279
00:08:51,032 --> 00:08:53,999
Can you wrap while you're doing this?
280
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,768
I guess so.
281
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,302
There was this family.
282
00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:58,571
They were the Friedmans.
283
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:02,408
Everybody wanted to go and meet them.
284
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,743
Arnold taught a computer class.
285
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:07,012
But everybody didn't know
286
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:08,615
that he was a child molester.
287
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,116
Julie, this is not working out.
288
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,084
Come on, no, I really need this job.
289
00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:14,585
I need a gift wrap girl who doesn't need
290
00:09:14,586 --> 00:09:16,587
to summarize the plot of a documentary
291
00:09:16,588 --> 00:09:17,989
about a child molester.
292
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:19,159
An alleged child molester,
293
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,392
I told you that.
294
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,628
Arnold definitely did it.
295
00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:24,663
But Jessie's probably not--
296
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:26,065
Are you serious?
297
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,769
I'm sorry, all of our dance classes
298
00:09:31,770 --> 00:09:34,207
are booked solid with a
three-year waiting list.
299
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,446
It's just that things have
been really hard on us
300
00:09:39,447 --> 00:09:43,446
since my lover got deported to, um--
301
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,551
to Boko Haram.
302
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:46,484
I'm sorry, did you say
303
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:48,721
you were looking for a dance class?
304
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,356
Gail, can't we make room for--
305
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:52,256
What's your name, dear?
306
00:09:52,257 --> 00:09:53,359
Oh, Billy Epstein.
307
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,493
SAG-AFTRA.
308
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:58,494
Tal, and I miss my dad's
lover Carlos so much.
309
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,467
He wanted me to dance.
310
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:04,303
If they're with you, Doug, she's in.
311
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:05,537
They are.
312
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:07,638
Welcome to Dancing Diva, kiddo.
313
00:10:07,639 --> 00:10:08,639
She's adorable.
314
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,707
So, did you adopt?
315
00:10:09,708 --> 00:10:11,476
Oh, God no, I used a surrogate.
316
00:10:11,477 --> 00:10:12,610
Real skinny one too.
317
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,212
I said, "Give me the
skinniest woman you have,
318
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,480
I want to ruin her body."
319
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,283
But Keira Knightley wanted
to have her own child,
320
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,350
selfish bitch.
321
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,386
Look, my daughter scam
is already paying off.
322
00:10:22,387 --> 00:10:24,055
First day in the class she meets a kid
323
00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:25,656
with a connection to Ryan Murphy,
324
00:10:25,657 --> 00:10:27,458
and get this, after American Horror Story,
325
00:10:27,459 --> 00:10:29,560
he's doing American Comedy Story.
326
00:10:29,561 --> 00:10:31,197
Of course that's his next move.
327
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:32,698
God bless Ryan Murphy.
328
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:34,434
Jessica Lange is playing Phyllis Diller.
329
00:10:34,435 --> 00:10:35,634
Thank God.
330
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,235
And I'm gonna play Howie Mandel.
331
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:39,370
My God, that sounds worse than Freak Show.
332
00:10:39,371 --> 00:10:40,638
You have to be on it.
333
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:41,706
I'm going to have Tal put me on tape
334
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:42,573
and she's going to give the tape
335
00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:43,641
to the casting director,
336
00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:45,245
who's going to give it to Ryan Murphy.
337
00:10:45,246 --> 00:10:46,311
How's your job?
338
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:48,312
Well, today I learned how to make
339
00:10:48,313 --> 00:10:49,580
an origami swastika
340
00:10:49,581 --> 00:10:51,417
just to jazz up my gift wrap game.
341
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,618
Oh that's nice.
342
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,153
And then I was fired.
343
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:54,753
What?
344
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,154
How do you deal with your day job?
345
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,788
I mean, you hate people as much as I do.
346
00:10:57,789 --> 00:11:00,324
I mean, you know, beats
working in an office.
347
00:11:00,325 --> 00:11:01,425
You're going to have to
eat shit no matter what.
348
00:11:01,426 --> 00:11:02,760
It's just about figuring out
349
00:11:02,761 --> 00:11:04,328
what type of shit you want to eat.
350
00:11:04,329 --> 00:11:05,730
But eating shit sucks.
351
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,431
Only dogs like eating shit,
352
00:11:07,432 --> 00:11:09,734
and that's a bad example
because dogs are the best.
353
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:11,636
I'm not saying that you have to live
354
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,137
in an apartment as small as mine.
355
00:11:13,138 --> 00:11:14,438
I'm just saying that, you know,
356
00:11:14,439 --> 00:11:16,040
you can probably stand
to save a little money.
357
00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:17,441
Even the band has a second job.
358
00:11:17,442 --> 00:11:18,509
They sell Molly.
359
00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:20,180
By the way, Ted, you owe me some change.
360
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,119
Oh hey, did you give
that girl my audition?
361
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,220
I didn't sit through eight takes
362
00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:30,621
of you trying to blow up a surgical glove
363
00:11:30,622 --> 00:11:32,023
with your nose for nothing.
364
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,193
Excuse me, that was hilarious.
365
00:11:33,194 --> 00:11:34,326
It was worth it.
366
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:35,627
Okay, good news.
367
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,694
Jaden Patrick Harris had
368
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:38,596
some bad edamame this afternoon,
369
00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:40,164
and now she can't stop puking.
370
00:11:40,165 --> 00:11:41,634
Oh, that is good news.
371
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:44,169
No, the good part is I get to fill in
372
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,772
as the lead role in
tomorrow night's recital.
373
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,673
Wow, that's amazing.
374
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:48,741
I'm sorry, I wish I could come.
375
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,743
I have my Cutting Room show with Julie.
376
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:54,479
If you can't take me, then I can't go.
377
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,746
I have to have an adult sign me in,
378
00:11:55,747 --> 00:11:57,582
and my dad doesn't know
anything about this.
379
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:59,016
I don't know what to tell you, Tal.
380
00:11:59,017 --> 00:12:00,551
I have a show with Julie, you know.
381
00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:01,387
It's important.
382
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:02,555
It's my career.
383
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,092
What are you doing?
384
00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:08,459
Excuse me, are you crying?
385
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:09,527
Please don't cry here.
386
00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:10,561
What if someone sees you?
387
00:12:10,562 --> 00:12:12,432
You're going to embarrass me.
388
00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:14,733
Tal, stop making this about you.
389
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,502
I hope you can live with yourself.
390
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:19,171
Excuse me, I love living with myself.
391
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,238
I'm a very good roommate.
392
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:21,472
I refuse to feel bad about this.
393
00:12:21,473 --> 00:12:22,773
This is my career, Tal.
394
00:12:22,774 --> 00:12:24,308
Stop crying or those eyelash extensions
395
00:12:24,309 --> 00:12:25,411
I bought you are gonna fall off--
396
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,478
Oh, my phone!
397
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:27,347
I can't believe they're letting
398
00:12:27,348 --> 00:12:29,014
Tal dance Jaden's part.
399
00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:30,315
She's so weird.
400
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,252
She probably won't even show up anyway.
401
00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:33,518
God, I hope not.
402
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,626
Ice rat, we're home.
403
00:12:39,627 --> 00:12:41,260
Don't mess up my piles.
404
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,026
What are you doing?
405
00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:43,094
Since I lost my job,
406
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,662
I'm downsizing some creature comforts
407
00:12:44,663 --> 00:12:46,230
based on Billy's suggestion.
408
00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:48,065
So, I'm selling some of my stuff on eBay.
409
00:12:48,066 --> 00:12:49,467
But this is my stuff.
410
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:51,502
Actually, that sweater
on top, that's mine.
411
00:12:51,503 --> 00:12:52,705
Oh, Reginald, don't be rude.
412
00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:53,772
Who's Reginald?
413
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,206
I thought you were Ace.
414
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:56,641
Yes, well, my father goes by Ace,
415
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:57,777
but he was born Reginald.
416
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,411
To his father, Talbot,
417
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:02,681
whose first name is Cappy,
but Trip for short.
418
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,249
Wasps.
419
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,716
Where are you guys coming from?
420
00:13:05,717 --> 00:13:07,520
We had a run-through of our ceremony.
421
00:13:07,521 --> 00:13:11,056
- Read her the vows.
- Let's see.
422
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:15,093
"Bunny, you have been
my wife for 40 years.
423
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:19,197
Today we are renewing our
vows at the Yale Club.
424
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:22,634
We are married again, still."
425
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,469
Great job, Dad.
426
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,038
I'm moved.
427
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,340
40 years.
428
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:38,083
Another, yeah.
429
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,388
More eggs.
430
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,456
And gin.
431
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,625
Sure thing, Santa.
432
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:51,431
Something wrong, ten words or less.
433
00:13:51,432 --> 00:13:53,298
No.
434
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:55,334
- Well...
- Oh, shit.
435
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,001
I have a 12-year-old niece
436
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,436
that I take to this dance class.
437
00:13:58,437 --> 00:14:00,538
And she got the lead in her recital.
438
00:14:00,539 --> 00:14:02,006
But the recital is the same night
439
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,307
as my show with Julie.
440
00:14:03,308 --> 00:14:04,542
So now she can't do the recital
441
00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:06,110
because I have to do my show.
442
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:07,978
All of a sudden there were tears,
443
00:14:07,979 --> 00:14:09,146
and there's crying.
444
00:14:09,147 --> 00:14:10,648
I don't need this shit.
445
00:14:10,649 --> 00:14:13,086
I didn't even know you had a family.
446
00:14:13,087 --> 00:14:15,053
Now I feel sad.
447
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:16,687
Yeah, that's guilt, stupid.
448
00:14:16,688 --> 00:14:17,722
Is it too late to fix it,
449
00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:18,723
or are you going to screw it up
450
00:14:18,724 --> 00:14:20,324
the way you screw everything else up.
451
00:14:20,325 --> 00:14:22,326
I could change my plans,
but what about my show?
452
00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:23,494
What about your show?
453
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:24,562
You know, the only person
454
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:26,364
I ever see you with is that ginger witch.
455
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:29,166
You see me every day and
I don't even like you.
456
00:14:29,167 --> 00:14:31,135
If you don't fix things with your niece,
457
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:34,006
you're going to end up
alone like that guy.
458
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,440
In like, three weeks.
459
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:39,344
♪ Mama's little baby call Santa, Santa ♪
460
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:42,682
♪ Mama's little Santa
like eggs and gin ♪
♪
461
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:49,555
Hey, I have some big news.
462
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,489
Me too.
463
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:51,522
I'm still broke.
464
00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,057
I can't hold a day job.
465
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,425
I can't keep taking money from my mother
466
00:14:54,426 --> 00:14:56,327
because I'm sick of being told what to do.
467
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:57,463
The only thing keeping me
468
00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,699
from completely losing
my shit is this show.
469
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:01,766
Okay, your turn.
470
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,102
I can't do the show tonight.
471
00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:09,373
You're telling me that you
can't do our show tonight?
472
00:15:09,374 --> 00:15:10,775
The one that's in six hours?
473
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:13,577
The one that I wrapped
presents to pay for?
474
00:15:13,578 --> 00:15:15,146
I know, please don't jump off a bridge.
475
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:16,382
Boy, it really is suicide season.
476
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,215
A bridge?
477
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:18,582
Honestly, I'd probably use pills.
478
00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:20,052
Really, I always thought
a belt and a chair
479
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,286
was the way to go.
480
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:22,653
Yeah, but then they'd say
you were jerking off.
481
00:15:22,654 --> 00:15:23,556
Yeah, but then they could say,
482
00:15:23,557 --> 00:15:25,223
"He died as he lived."
483
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:26,590
Billy, the show is a big deal.
484
00:15:26,591 --> 00:15:28,225
Why are you doing this to me?
485
00:15:28,226 --> 00:15:30,094
You know, I made Tal
take that dance class,
486
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,497
and now I have to go to her recital.
487
00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:32,631
You know Tal.
488
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,232
She's us at that age.
489
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:35,299
She has a lifetime of cyber bullying
490
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,270
and Saturday nights alone ahead of her.
491
00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:40,739
This might be her one big night.
492
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,107
Fine.
493
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,507
We'll cancel the show.
494
00:15:43,508 --> 00:15:45,042
I don't have anything
to wear to it anyway.
495
00:15:45,043 --> 00:15:47,077
I sold most of my clothes on Craigslist.
496
00:15:47,078 --> 00:15:48,078
You're using Craigslist
497
00:15:48,079 --> 00:15:49,649
for something other than anonymous sex?
498
00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:50,615
I know.
499
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,517
This time of year really shows
500
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,218
you how low you can sink.
501
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,460
I thought The Good Wife
was better than this.
502
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,198
Say what you will about
equity partner Alicia Florek.
503
00:16:05,199 --> 00:16:07,132
She's an awfully good wife.
504
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,534
You can say that again.
505
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:12,704
That Peter Florek, though,
he's a bad husband.
506
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:13,738
Mom?
507
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:14,972
Don't worry, I took a Claritin
508
00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:16,173
because of the dogs.
509
00:16:16,174 --> 00:16:18,377
I have a taxi waiting because
of the neighborhood.
510
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,445
Look.
511
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:21,779
I bought you that dress.
512
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,081
Oh, no, no, no, I can't accept that.
513
00:16:24,082 --> 00:16:25,583
Stop it, I don't want anything in return.
514
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:27,620
I just want you to look
pretty for your show.
515
00:16:27,621 --> 00:16:29,154
Oh, thank you, Mom.
516
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,788
That's very sweet, but it doesn't matter
517
00:16:30,789 --> 00:16:32,623
because there is no show anymore.
518
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:33,693
Billy backed out.
519
00:16:33,694 --> 00:16:35,227
Oh no, is he okay?
520
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:37,496
He must feel terrible.
521
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,797
Is that a loofah?
522
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:40,264
You should not exfoliate.
523
00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:42,066
You know you have irritable skin.
524
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,736
No, Mom, it's not skincare.
525
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:45,003
It's dinner.
526
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,506
I'm trying to save money.
527
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:48,440
Oh, Julie.
528
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:49,976
You know that I think that Arthur
529
00:16:49,977 --> 00:16:51,610
is a perfectly sweet man
530
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:54,045
for a functioning alcoholic.
531
00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:56,046
But have you ever considered
marrying somebody
532
00:16:56,047 --> 00:16:57,748
that doesn't work for Public Television,
533
00:16:57,749 --> 00:17:00,384
then all your money worries would be over.
534
00:17:00,385 --> 00:17:02,753
No, mom, if I marry a rich husband,
535
00:17:02,754 --> 00:17:04,188
he's just going to expect the same things
536
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:05,422
that you do from me.
537
00:17:05,423 --> 00:17:06,692
I just also have to sleep with him.
538
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,593
What do I expect of you?
539
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,094
Listen, as long as I continue
540
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:11,428
to take money from you,
541
00:17:11,429 --> 00:17:13,197
I have to let you tell me what to do,
542
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,765
and give me passive aggressive advice
543
00:17:14,766 --> 00:17:16,100
about who I should be.
544
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:17,268
And I'm sick of it.
545
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:18,435
I'm not doing it anymore.
546
00:17:18,436 --> 00:17:19,737
I have news for you, Julie.
547
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:22,006
Even if you didn't take a cent from me,
548
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:23,476
I'm still going to give you advice,
549
00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:25,377
because that's who I am,
550
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,679
and that's what I do,
551
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,981
because I'm your mother.
552
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:33,652
So, I can't escape the
shackles of our dynamic
553
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,486
even if I do pay my own way.
554
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:38,122
Well, I wouldn't say--
is that The Good Wife?
555
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,026
Wait a minute, I think I'm onto something.
556
00:17:40,027 --> 00:17:42,494
I've painted myself into a corner.
557
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,396
If I can't marry rich,
558
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,797
take your money, or tolerate a day job,
559
00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:49,633
I have no choice but to
earn a living in comedy.
560
00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:52,503
How can you see that
screen with all that dust?
561
00:17:52,504 --> 00:17:54,240
You know what, I'm going
to do that show tonight
562
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,041
with or without Billy.
563
00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:59,711
Julie, that's you on television.
564
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:02,247
Oh my God.
565
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,983
It's a sign.
566
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,028
Get in the cab, I'm saving Christmas.
567
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,265
What happened to your show with Julie?
568
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:20,465
I'm not doing it.
569
00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:22,566
I don't want to end up some
drunk Santa at a Santa Con
570
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:24,337
singing his own lyrics
to Shortening Bread.
571
00:18:24,338 --> 00:18:26,104
Let's go.
572
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,038
Hey, Dad, there's been a Latin emergency,
573
00:18:28,039 --> 00:18:30,042
and Uncle Billy's taking us to the city.
574
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:31,376
Bye!
575
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,010
Come on, and you better
be good at this recital.
576
00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:34,011
If you miss any steps,
577
00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:35,212
I'm telling everyone
you're not my daughter.
578
00:18:35,213 --> 00:18:37,383
I don't want any stupid Abigail Breslin,
579
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:41,019
Little Miss Sunshine bullshit.
580
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,555
You used the word "trapped",
581
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:45,624
could you speak about that some more?
582
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,225
I'm here.
583
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:48,660
Yes.
584
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,564
Oh I've been listening
to everything you said.
585
00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:53,632
I just think the repetition
586
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,132
would be beneficial for you.
587
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:57,267
Ma'am, we're at The Cutting Room.
588
00:18:57,268 --> 00:18:58,535
My daughter's show doesn't start
589
00:18:58,536 --> 00:19:00,137
for another ten minutes.
590
00:19:00,138 --> 00:19:01,374
Go around the block another time.
591
00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:05,377
I'm saving lives and making money.
592
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,711
Hello.
593
00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:09,547
Well, your father sounds like a monster.
594
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:11,049
I mean your mother.
595
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,383
Thanks for coming out tonight, guys.
596
00:19:12,384 --> 00:19:14,418
This last thing was going to be a duet,
597
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,656
but Christmas is full of surprises.
598
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:20,656
♪ Abandoned on Christmas ♪
599
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:25,230
♪ Is a rite of passage ♪
600
00:19:25,231 --> 00:19:29,100
♪ Neglected, dejected ♪
601
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:32,237
♪ You're left out again ♪
602
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:39,210
⪠I know it's basic to
be bitter on Christmas âŞ
603
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:41,213
♪ But I don't need a holiday ♪
604
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,682
♪ To flex my bitterness ♪
605
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,250
♪ What's really basic ♪
606
00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:47,752
♪ Is to be bitter just once a year ♪
607
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:55,194
⪠I know it's lame
to be a bitch about Christmas ♪
608
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:59,597
⪠But consider all the minutes
that I spent perfecting it âŞ
609
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:02,200
♪ Why should bitter take a holiday ♪
610
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:06,204
♪ My bitterness is a year-round policy ♪
611
00:20:07,606 --> 00:20:10,608
⪠Like being lonely
on Valentines Day âŞ
612
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:13,978
♪ Or dressing up like a
slut for Halloween ♪
613
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:19,250
♪ I do that shit all year-round ♪
614
00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:23,421
♪ So don't micromanage
when I can be mean ♪
615
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,156
♪ Bitter has a flavor ♪
616
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:27,392
♪ It's grape by design ♪
617
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:31,429
⪠Sour grapes make for
the best kind of wine âŞ
618
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:33,232
⪠Bitter is better than most things âŞ
619
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,799
♪ Like being naive ♪
620
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,002
♪ Remember the high expectations ♪
621
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:40,071
♪ You had last New Year's Eve ♪
622
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:43,173
♪ I know it's basic to be
bitter on Christmas ♪
♪
623
00:20:43,174 --> 00:20:44,641
Oh, my mom never even came to the show.
624
00:20:44,642 --> 00:20:45,776
She was surge pricing her patients
625
00:20:45,777 --> 00:20:47,747
in an Uber that was surge pricing her.
626
00:20:47,748 --> 00:20:49,380
Sounds about right.
627
00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:51,448
I can't believe I've never
been to your apartment before.
628
00:20:51,449 --> 00:20:54,353
Well, it's not exactly set
up for entertaining guests.
629
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:58,556
It's not exactly set up for standing.
630
00:20:58,557 --> 00:21:00,257
I know you're in your mid 30s,
631
00:21:00,258 --> 00:21:02,493
but I just want to say I'm
sorry your mom cut you off.
632
00:21:02,494 --> 00:21:04,728
Thank you, but I'm not going
to make a whole thing
633
00:21:04,729 --> 00:21:07,199
whining about it like some
privileged white girl
634
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,067
writing from experience.
635
00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:10,467
I'm sorry I missed our show.
636
00:21:10,468 --> 00:21:12,069
It's okay, you had to be there for Tal.
637
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:13,103
I always thought that if I showed up
638
00:21:13,104 --> 00:21:15,205
for a family member when
I said I was going to,
639
00:21:15,206 --> 00:21:16,306
that's the best way to keep them
640
00:21:16,307 --> 00:21:17,708
out of the entertainment industry.
641
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,743
There's no kinder gesture than that.
642
00:21:19,744 --> 00:21:22,379
And I guess I see myself
in her in some weird way.
643
00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:25,215
I was even more awkward than
she was when I was that age.
644
00:21:25,216 --> 00:21:26,352
I guess I thought if I showed up for her,
645
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,319
she might actually be okay.
646
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:29,653
Please don't tell me that this Christmas
647
00:21:29,654 --> 00:21:31,690
ends with your heart growing three sizes.
648
00:21:31,691 --> 00:21:32,757
Fuck that.
649
00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:34,291
That bitch stole my part.
650
00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:35,394
- What?
- Did I not tell you this?
651
00:21:35,395 --> 00:21:36,327
No!
652
00:21:36,328 --> 00:21:38,697
She submitted herself to Ryan Murphy,
653
00:21:38,698 --> 00:21:40,465
not my tape, herself.
654
00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:43,569
And she got cast as one of
Paula Poundstone's kids.
655
00:21:43,570 --> 00:21:45,537
Holy shit.
656
00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:47,105
That's a good part.
657
00:21:47,106 --> 00:21:49,175
I showed up for her when
I said I was going to,
658
00:21:49,176 --> 00:21:51,276
and she's still one of us.
659
00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,444
God, I love show business.
660
00:21:53,445 --> 00:21:55,045
You know, I have a feeling
661
00:21:55,046 --> 00:21:56,582
that this year's going
to be easier for us.
662
00:21:56,583 --> 00:21:58,082
Yeah?
663
00:21:58,083 --> 00:22:00,352
I wonder what we're going
to complain about.
664
00:22:00,353 --> 00:22:01,519
I have no idea.
665
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,354
It's so exciting.
666
00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:04,490
Merry Christmas, Jules.
667
00:22:04,491 --> 00:22:06,424
Merry Christmas, Billy.
668
00:22:06,425 --> 00:22:08,293
Hey!
669
00:22:08,294 --> 00:22:09,393
I broke in last night
670
00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:10,629
and slept in your bathtub.
671
00:22:10,630 --> 00:22:12,463
What the fuck?
672
00:22:12,464 --> 00:22:14,566
Happy Hanukkah.
673
00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:27,680
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.MY-SUBS.com
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