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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Have you ever seen people laugh less
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than comedians at a comedy party?
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Oh, I know, right? All the laughs
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of a free AIDS test without the glamour.
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Carl retweeted my joke
about how Miles Teller
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looks exactly k.d. lang.
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How is Carl?
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He's super sweet,
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but he's almost too sweet.
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- Mm-hm.
- Sometimes I just think
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I want a guy to come up to me
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and be like, "Hey."
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And then within five minutes we're
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just videotaping ourselves having sex
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for some James Franco art project.
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Maybe you just don't want a boyfriend?
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Well, at least not one so kind.
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The only kind of kind I
like is Richard Kind.
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Oh, God, I would love
to fuck Richard Kind.
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I just want Carl to be a little meaner.
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Mean people are the ones you remember.
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Like, on my recaps, the only commenter
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I ever remembered is this happyhour37.
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She posts the nastiest
stuff about me every day.
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Like, what does she do,
just attack your writing?
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She used to. But now it's gotten personal.
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She found what I look like
and she started calling me
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Fat Reba.
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Who invited Frank Zappa?
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That's Sonny Killburg.
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He hosts this podcast
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called The Godless Podcast.
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You know what, the NSA
needs to shut down iTunes.
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Hey, uh, Sonny.
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Julie Kessler, Billy Epstein.
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We're big fans. How're you doin'?
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I'm shitty. My guests just dropped out
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for tomorrow morning, so...
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Wow, well, it sounds like
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you're asking us to fill in.
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And we would love to.
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Thank you for asking.
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Okay, well, guys,
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the podcast is for
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comedians who are atheists, so.
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I don't even know if you
guys are comedians.
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Yes, we are very much comedians.
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And we're very much atheists.
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I mean, we think people that do believe
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in God are huge dumb-dumbs.
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Yeah, if God exists,
then why isn't Monique
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one of the new Ghostbusters?
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And what kind of God
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would've taken away my mother's legs?
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Seriously?
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Your mom lost her legs?
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One of them is cut off right at the hip,
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and the other is pretty much capri-length.
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See you tomorrow?
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Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.MY-SUBS.com
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Hey, guys, I'm here with atheist comics
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Julie Kessler and Billy Epstein.
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You're gay, you're a redheaded
brassy broad. Tell me why.
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Well, we're like Will and
Grace if one were a six
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and the other were a seven.
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Yeah, or like Bette Midler
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and Bruce Vilarich,
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if they were broader.
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If you had to chose, Lisa Rinna or Hitler?
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- Hitler.
- Hitler.
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Okay.
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Now, guys, I hate God.
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Drives me crazy. What gets you going?
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I hate people in the
business who are like,
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"Oh, you're so great, but we
don't know what to do with you."
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I'm like "Oh, you don't
know what to do with me
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but you figured out Peter Dinklage?
Fuck you."
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Have you ever met a girl that's like...
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Yes.
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Do you know what's
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crazy about me?
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I, a normal sized woman,
would fuck Peter Dinklage.
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Isn't that amazing?
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Someone get me a Kennedy Center Honor.
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Man, you guys were hilarious.
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- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.
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How come you don't have
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your own podcast?
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Oh, we did, years ago.
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But we couldn't get an audience.
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Yeah, we may as well
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have been on NBC.
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- Hiyo.
- Well, you know,
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things have changed. I mean,
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if you get on a podcast network,
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podcasts can lead to a book deal,
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which can lead to a basic
cable holding deal,
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which can lead to Hulu,
which leads to Amazon,
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which leads to a Golden Globes speech
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where you're thanking the trans community.
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I like all those things.
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Except Amazon. They
gave Woody Allen a show
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and they wouldn't take my humidifier back.
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Well, if you guys do a new podcast...
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- ...I'll put it on my network.
- Let's do it!
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- Yeah, yeah yeah!
- Let's do it.
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We're gonna have a podcast again!
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And you're the funniest atheists I've had
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in here since Penn Jillette.
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- Thank you.
- Fuck you.
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We had fun.
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Hey, let's celebrate!
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I'm going to a bar where
podcasters hang out.
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Oh, wow! That sounds pretty crazy!
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- Wow.
- Oh, trivia night's insane.
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Sarah Koenig wore shorts
with tights one time.
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Babies!
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So what are we gonna
wear to the podcast bar?
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Oh, really.
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We could wear an adult diaper
and a Kevin Smith hockey jersey
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and still be the coolest ones there.
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Are you gonna bring Carl?
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Oh, I don't know.
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I liked him better when he was just
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a stranger with a big dick.
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Now he's a nice person.
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Okay, more importantly,
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podcast, how are we going
to afford equipment?
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I bet my mom still has those mics.
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Do you remember last year when
she did that hypnosis CD?
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Oh my God, how could I
forget, she was so upset
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when Starbucks refused to carry it.
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I know, and the last five tracks
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were of her singing standards.
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Who am I?
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I am nothing without my husband.
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I am nobody alone.
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Divorce.
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Divorce.
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The vorce.
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May the vorce be with...
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him?
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Mom, what's going on?
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Honey, I am working.
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Ladies, continue.
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I started this drama therapy group
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for divorced women to come together
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to empower themselves
through theater exercises.
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Floy and Hazel are the only people
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that haven't dropped out.
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Floy! Bring it down!
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These are real people!
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00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:47,986
So now you guys are putting on a play?
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Do you know how much money
Menopause The Musical
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has made in this God-forsaken country?
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Listen, I just came to
borrow your microphones.
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Uh, we'll talk about it
after we finish act four.
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Good! Hazel, I'm feeling
something, finally.
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Hey, what's up?
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Get off the phone, Billy.
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I'm so sorry to ask,
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but I'm stuck at my mom's.
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Could you please pick
up Senator Jellybeans
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and Greg from the groomer?
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Julie, we have an understanding.
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You don't ask me to deal with your dogs.
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I know, and you don't ask me to
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go to the gym, and I appreciate
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those boundaries but
I'm really in a pinch.
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It's freezing, where am I
supposed to take your dogs?
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Can you take them to that
indoor dog run on Delancey?
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Get off the phone, Billy.
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All right, fine, no problem.
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Actually, screw it, it'll get me away
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from Matthew and his boyfriend.
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You should see what's happening here.
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It's like Russian nesting dolls
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covered in fur, liver spots, and smegma.
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Barry, can we do Rent again tonight?
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We can sing "Light My Candle"
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and order from that mush place you like.
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Who's my baby?
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We are.
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It's the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.
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I'll talk to you later.
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Matthew!
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What have I told you about
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bringing your dog into the cafe?
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- That I'm the only one...
- You're the only one...
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- ...allowed to do it?
- ...allowed to do it.
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Oh, Matthew, I appreciate you.
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Billy, table nine needs their check.
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♪ I'm just wild about Barry ♪
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♪ And Barry's wild about me ♪
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Take it, Denise.
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♪ He's just wild about ♪
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♪ Cannot do without ♪
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♪ He's just wild about me ♪
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♪ Up here, I'm up here, me ♪
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♪ Me ♪
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What the fuck is going on here?
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♪ Me ♪
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Okay, dogs, here we are at the dog park.
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Oh look, other dogs like you.
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What a thrill.
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Well, that one got out.
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Too bad.
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All right-- oh, yep!
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Have fun.
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Please clean up after your pets.
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Hey.
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Hey, what's up?
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You know, this is crazy, we just met,
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but I was wondering if you...
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00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,455
I don't know, wanted to jerk off together
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00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:04,789
behind this building?
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Yeah, I would do that.
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Great.
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Very good, let's reconvene
in ten for notes.
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I have plenty.
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So, mom, about those microphones
for my new podcast?
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I have to ask the
housekeeper to dig them up
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00:07:23,075 --> 00:07:24,509
and I don't like talking to her.
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But I want to start a podcast.
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If I don't get them from you,
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what am I supposed to do? Buy them used?
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00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:30,983
No, of course not.
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Anything used is crawling with bedbugs.
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You know, they found them on the 7 train?
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And the South Street Seaport Abercrombie.
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Well, that was an act of God.
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Oh fine, but in exchange,
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will you do me a favor
and come to see my play?
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Um...
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Now isn't that interesting?
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That you cannot be supportive
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when it's my time to shine.
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I try to be supportive of you...
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You know how many times I've
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come to see your shows?
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- That's true. I appreciate that.
- Do you know how long...
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...I have worked on this?
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Fine, yes!
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I'll be there, I'm sorry.
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Wonderful.
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Please distribute these
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to all your showbiz friends.
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Esmeralda! Microphonos!
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That was really hot. We should
do that again tomorrow.
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I am definitely up for that.
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Excuse me, are these your Basset hounds?
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While you were gone they attacked me!
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- What are you talking about?
- You can't just leave
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aggressive dogs unattended, dummy!
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- Asshole!
- I'm so sorry.
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Who's gonna pay for the
doctor, I can't afford this!
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It was my idea to leave.
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I'll pay for your doctor.
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No, it's my responsibility.
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Here, take everything I have.
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I-- I am so sorry.
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Oh my God, you're bleeding.
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I just can't believe they bit somebody.
264
00:08:40,555 --> 00:08:42,955
They've never bitten anyone before.
265
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,989
I know, I know, I was a little
distracted at the time,
266
00:08:44,990 --> 00:08:47,260
but I'm so sorry, I feel terrible.
267
00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:49,128
It's okay.
268
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,963
Oh my God.
269
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,599
Happyhour37 just called me
270
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,467
"Kathy Griffin with less jokes."
271
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,935
Julie, put your phone down
272
00:08:56,936 --> 00:08:58,471
and look at these mutant podcasters.
273
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,183
Oh, Julie, Billy!
274
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,118
- Oh, man!
- Hey.
275
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,886
I'm glad you guys came.
276
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,787
I've been telling everybody about you.
277
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:17,088
They cannot wait to meet you.
278
00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:18,423
- Oh, awesome.
- Oh, great.
279
00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:20,024
- Thank you.
- Uh, this is Arthur.
280
00:09:20,025 --> 00:09:21,159
- Hey, man.
- And, um, we're just
281
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,094
waiting on Billy's date, Carl.
282
00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:25,098
No we're not. I told him
I had food poisoning.
283
00:09:25,099 --> 00:09:26,165
He's too nice.
284
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,300
Good one, man, good one.
285
00:09:27,301 --> 00:09:28,300
Why not lie?
286
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,367
Because there's no heaven,
287
00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:30,537
and there's no hell.
288
00:09:30,538 --> 00:09:32,538
Yeah, because, guess what?
289
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,473
Punch line here...
290
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,942
- There's no God!
- There's no God!
291
00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:37,943
Yeah!
292
00:09:37,944 --> 00:09:39,311
There we go.
293
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:41,548
Pushpin, what's going on?
294
00:09:41,549 --> 00:09:43,082
Hey, these them?
295
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,949
Yep, this is Billy and this is Julie.
296
00:09:44,950 --> 00:09:46,517
- How're you doing?
- And this is Jenny Miller.
297
00:09:46,518 --> 00:09:49,990
She hosts a quiz podcast
called No No, Take it Back.
298
00:09:49,991 --> 00:09:51,957
And this Brett Glass.
299
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,292
No relation to Ira.
300
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,896
He hosts a broadcast called
Bros Dissin' Chicks.
301
00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,465
My three brothers and I, we
go to bad theater ironically
302
00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:01,434
and rip them apart.
303
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,869
Well, here is your next episode.
304
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:06,038
My mother directed a play.
305
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,071
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
306
00:10:07,072 --> 00:10:08,074
It's your funeral.
307
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,208
Oh no.
308
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,408
- What's wrong?
- I have to go.
309
00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:12,212
That's Angela Peasley from NPR.
310
00:10:12,213 --> 00:10:16,148
Arthur, the whole NPR, PBS
rivalry is in your head.
311
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,349
Don't mock, Tambourine, we
really hate each other.
312
00:10:18,350 --> 00:10:20,418
I'm with you, Artie. Those NPR folks
313
00:10:20,419 --> 00:10:22,120
think they're better than everybody else,
314
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,858
just because their shows
get millions of downloads?
315
00:10:24,859 --> 00:10:25,991
Pfft, please.
316
00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:27,226
Seriously? Like,
317
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,194
millions of downloads?
318
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,296
Multiple millions.
319
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,863
Let's get a round of drinks.
320
00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:34,167
Yeah, let's get our fuckin' asses on NPR.
321
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,338
Angela, how crazy is it
that we met tonight,
322
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:41,174
don't you think?
323
00:10:41,175 --> 00:10:43,809
We are NPR people.
324
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,011
- All the way.
- You don't understand.
325
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,313
We like crossword puzzles.
326
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,881
Beans in bulk.
327
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,049
A cardigan sweater that
you put in the wash once
328
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:52,984
and it already starts to pill.
329
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,055
Yeah, a cat that sleeps on your face.
330
00:10:55,056 --> 00:10:56,455
Um, um...
331
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:57,457
Tom's of Maine.
332
00:10:57,458 --> 00:10:58,857
Books.
333
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,459
Oh.
334
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,593
Books.
335
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:02,995
We love books.
336
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,163
We love books.
337
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,898
I love books too.
338
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,834
I love books so much, Angela,
339
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,468
I have tote bags at home
340
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,402
and they just say funny
things about books like,
341
00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:13,004
"Leave me alone, I'm reading!"
342
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,939
Yes, yes, yes, and give
me a book and a cat
343
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:16,810
on a rainy day, and, boy, am I in heaven.
344
00:11:16,811 --> 00:11:17,810
Aw.
345
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:20,012
Public radio.
346
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:20,512
Ooh.
347
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,780
Oh my God.
348
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:23,048
Poem books?
349
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:23,783
Love those!
350
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:24,550
Ogden Nash.
351
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:25,784
Nash Bridges.
352
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:26,851
What is your podcast about?
353
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:28,052
- Books.
- Books.
354
00:11:28,053 --> 00:11:29,287
But I thought you said your show
355
00:11:29,288 --> 00:11:30,221
was about atheism.
356
00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:31,358
Atheism and books.
357
00:11:31,359 --> 00:11:33,025
Mostly books.
358
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,195
What you have to understand
is that the rivalry
359
00:11:35,196 --> 00:11:38,831
between PBS and NPR goes
back hundreds of years,
360
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,834
if not thousands, and I could just...
361
00:11:40,835 --> 00:11:44,903
You should be a guest on
our podcast about books!
362
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:46,206
- Yes!
- We can interview you!
363
00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:47,072
You have to.
364
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,807
That is very flattering.
365
00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:52,143
I mean, no one asks the
curator of a podcast network
366
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,945
to be the guest on a podcast.
367
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:55,313
- That is fucked up.
- What?
368
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,415
You are clearly podcast guest material.
369
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:59,085
It's written all over your clothes
370
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,320
and your hair and your shoes.
371
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:09,027
I'm worried we still
don't have enough books.
372
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:11,329
The apartment needs to look more NPR-y.
373
00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:12,830
Well, Angela's not coming over
374
00:12:12,831 --> 00:12:14,399
for her interview until tomorrow.
375
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,801
We have time to get more
dusty crap by then.
376
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:17,337
You think so?
377
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,841
Oh, it's Sonny calling again.
378
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:23,875
You think he knows we're shopping around
379
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:25,343
for a new podcast network?
380
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:27,545
I don't know what podcasters can intuit.
381
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:30,181
Just keep dodging his calls
until we can get on NPR.
382
00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:32,352
I am back from the bookstore, Lozenge.
383
00:12:32,353 --> 00:12:33,819
Thank you, Arthur.
384
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:36,120
Oh my God these books look amazing!
385
00:12:36,121 --> 00:12:38,056
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
386
00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:40,491
These are definitely gonna make
us look like serious readers.
387
00:12:40,492 --> 00:12:42,560
Yes, just let it be
known that I disapprove
388
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:43,963
of your redecorating the apartment
389
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,198
to appease the enemy, NPR.
390
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:48,068
I appreciate your sacrifice.
391
00:12:48,069 --> 00:12:50,235
You're welcome, Spinach.
392
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:51,969
Any more from your internet stalker?
393
00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:53,037
Any nasty comments?
394
00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:54,839
Oh, yes, as a matter of fact.
395
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,341
That troll found my private
Facebook page this morning
396
00:12:57,342 --> 00:13:00,278
and wrote the word "anus"
on everyone in my photos.
397
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,215
Oh, I think she's flirting with you.
398
00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:03,449
I dared her to say
399
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,485
whatever she had to say to me to my face,
400
00:13:05,486 --> 00:13:07,286
and meet up in person.
401
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,453
I don't know if she lives
in New York, or whatever.
402
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,353
You know what's gonna happen.
403
00:13:09,354 --> 00:13:10,190
It's gonna end up like
404
00:13:10,191 --> 00:13:11,924
every sitcom ever.
405
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,825
You mean she's gonna end
up being an obese shut-in.
406
00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:15,159
Or Nev from Catfish.
407
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:16,194
Yeah, or it's gonna end up being, like,
408
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:17,097
a child or something and...
409
00:13:17,098 --> 00:13:18,297
Oh, right, right.
410
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,864
...you know, your bully is gonna end up
411
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,432
being more of a bitter loser than you are.
412
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:23,203
You're gonna feel bad, then
you want to bond with her...
413
00:13:23,204 --> 00:13:26,338
Oh my God! Billy. She wrote back.
414
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,140
DM from happyhour37.
415
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,210
She wants to meet me at a
restaurant in Midtown!
416
00:13:30,211 --> 00:13:31,310
Whoa.
417
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,446
She says, "Restaurants serve food
418
00:13:33,447 --> 00:13:35,948
so you'll be happy, ginger piggy."
419
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,584
Oh, you know, that's how
my dad asked my mom out
420
00:13:37,585 --> 00:13:38,984
on their first date.
421
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:39,985
Oh, really?
422
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,970
Call me happyhour37.
423
00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:59,005
Kathie Lee Gifford?
424
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:05,076
There's no way you're not pranking me.
425
00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:06,410
Pranks aren't my thing.
426
00:14:06,411 --> 00:14:08,379
You're thinking of Kelly Ripa.
427
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,315
Well, why would anybody as
famous and successful as you
428
00:14:11,316 --> 00:14:13,119
start an anonymous commenter account
429
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,187
just to trash some nobody?
430
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,222
Well, not just any nobody.
431
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:19,458
Julie, you represent
432
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,560
the absolute worst
433
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,095
in an audience member.
434
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:25,498
The only reason that you watch television
435
00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:26,899
or go to the movies
436
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,035
or, when you can afford it, the theater,
437
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,103
is so you can tear it down.
438
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,205
No, that's not true.
439
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:34,239
I-- I want things to be good.
440
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,875
People have been making fun of me
441
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,810
since before the internet existed.
442
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,344
I know people like you.
443
00:14:40,345 --> 00:14:42,549
You just want to be funny, don't you?
444
00:14:42,550 --> 00:14:44,917
But you can't be funny, can you?
445
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:48,253
Unless you rag on somebody.
446
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:50,556
Aim higher.
447
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,356
I feel like after this, you're just gonna
448
00:14:52,357 --> 00:14:53,393
disappear into glitter
449
00:14:53,394 --> 00:14:55,060
and leave me here.
450
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,496
Well, I do have tickets for Mamma Mia!
451
00:14:56,497 --> 00:14:57,262
Oh!
452
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,830
But before I go,
453
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,032
I'm gonna leave you with a challenge.
454
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,333
Anything, Kathie Lee Gifford.
455
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,304
Be the kind of audience member
456
00:15:04,305 --> 00:15:06,505
who has an open heart.
457
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,440
Intend to enjoy.
458
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,809
And judge nothing.
459
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:12,310
As Goldie Hawn once said.
460
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:14,480
And then she turned around
and made Housesitter.
461
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,981
See, there you go.
462
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:17,817
You just can't help yourself, can you?
463
00:15:17,818 --> 00:15:20,018
You're right, I'm sorry.
464
00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:23,256
And I'm going to apply this
philosophy to my new podcast.
465
00:15:23,257 --> 00:15:25,357
Thank you for meeting me.
466
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,458
You're welcome.
467
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,261
I'll see you on the internet,
468
00:15:28,262 --> 00:15:30,796
Fat Reba.
469
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:33,866
Oh, there is one last
thing I want you to know.
470
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,901
God loves you.
471
00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:37,237
Even you.
472
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,816
Hey, Billy.
473
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,218
Fancy running into you here.
474
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,552
Carl.
475
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,953
What's happening?
476
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,387
Doing some shopping, I see.
477
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,189
Guilty. How's your stomach?
478
00:15:58,190 --> 00:16:00,360
Is it feeling better than the other night?
479
00:16:00,361 --> 00:16:02,361
Oh, yeah, yes, it is.
480
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,328
Oh my God. Food poisoning is the worst.
481
00:16:04,329 --> 00:16:06,063
You've got to stop eating takeout.
482
00:16:06,064 --> 00:16:06,931
- I know.
- Hey.
483
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:07,798
Why don't you come over
484
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:08,499
some night this week?
485
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,367
I'll cook you dinner.
486
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:10,468
Maybe, for sure--
487
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,069
I'm so sorry, I got to go.
488
00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:13,273
Oh, don't be sorry.
489
00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:14,506
You go do you.
490
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:15,807
Okay.
491
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,450
What's going on?
492
00:16:25,451 --> 00:16:26,818
Is this your dog?
493
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,352
- He bit me.
- Me too!
494
00:16:28,353 --> 00:16:30,288
You can't just leave an
aggressive dog unattended.
495
00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:31,355
Where were you, dummy?
496
00:16:31,356 --> 00:16:32,959
Who's gonna pay for this, huh?
497
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,226
Is this a scam?
498
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,193
A scam?
499
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,395
Oh man.
500
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,429
I mean, if coming to a dog park
501
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,965
to take advantage of sad, lonely gay guys
502
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:42,433
with the offer of mutual jerking off...
503
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:44,101
- Excuse me?
- ...and then
504
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:46,003
having your a cappella
group extort as much money
505
00:16:46,004 --> 00:16:48,839
as possible from them
is a scam, then maybe.
506
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,808
But I wouldn't use that word.
507
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:52,243
You're telling me I blew off a nice guy
508
00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:53,778
for, what, a prostitute?
509
00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:54,445
- Hey...
- That's what you are,
510
00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:55,313
you're a prostitute,
511
00:16:55,314 --> 00:16:56,781
except with more steps.
512
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,318
Hey, hey! Don't give them your money!
513
00:16:58,319 --> 00:16:59,451
It's a scam!
514
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:00,786
Really?
515
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,087
Matthew?
516
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:03,587
Oh, please, please,
please don't tell Barry.
517
00:17:03,588 --> 00:17:05,589
He can't take this stress,
he's so close to death.
518
00:17:05,590 --> 00:17:06,459
Are you kidding me?
519
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:08,060
You jerked off Matthew?
520
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,028
You two know each other?
521
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:09,928
This city!
522
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:11,230
It takes a real creep
523
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:14,266
to spoil some innocent public jerk-off.
524
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:17,368
Everyone who does a capella
is a sick pervert.
525
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:20,104
I knew my dogs wouldn't have
bitten three strangers.
526
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:22,306
They're assholes, they're not monsters.
527
00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:23,507
I don't think you're paying attention
528
00:17:23,508 --> 00:17:25,176
to the right parts of this story.
529
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:27,011
I'm sorry that your sexy stranger
530
00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:28,879
turned out to be a conman...
531
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,514
who hooked up with Matthew.
532
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:31,916
But look on the bright side,
533
00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:33,853
you get a second chance with a nice guy.
534
00:17:33,854 --> 00:17:34,820
Hi!
535
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:35,487
Hey.
536
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:36,987
So glad this worked out.
537
00:17:36,988 --> 00:17:38,324
Yeah, thanks for coming.
538
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:40,392
So, what play are we seeing?
539
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,960
Oh my God, okay, so...
540
00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:45,263
No. I made a promise
to Kathie Lee Gifford.
541
00:17:45,264 --> 00:17:48,166
Let's watch with an open mind.
542
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,000
Love that.
543
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,841
I am alone!
544
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,109
I am unloved!
545
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,244
My husband is gone!
546
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:00,979
Uh oh.
547
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:04,350
I never would have gotten
through this without you!
548
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:08,253
You are the most brilliant person alive!
549
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:10,288
I'm just a woman.
550
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:13,425
I'm an extraordinary woman.
551
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:17,429
♪ I've helped so many women ♪
552
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:21,266
♪ Just by being an example ♪
553
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,970
♪ Whenever you are hurting ♪
554
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,339
♪ Think of me ♪
555
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,875
♪ Me ♪
556
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:30,976
♪ Me ♪
557
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,522
Well, I'll say this, it was long.
558
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:47,025
But, in her defense, it
was also very, very slow.
559
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,327
Thank you for coming.
560
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,094
Thank you.
561
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:50,128
Hello.
562
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,830
Thank you.
563
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,266
What did you think?
564
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,136
You hated it.
565
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,303
For what it's worth, it looked like
566
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,473
it was really hard to do.
567
00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:02,507
So, good job, Mom.
568
00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:03,975
Yeah, it was!
569
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,515
Oh, there's my doorman.
570
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:10,882
I...
571
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:11,517
Remind me.
572
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:12,951
Hey Julie, Billy!
573
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,985
Oh my God, Sonny, what are you doing here?
574
00:19:14,986 --> 00:19:17,421
I called you a bunch of times
and told you I was coming.
575
00:19:17,422 --> 00:19:18,324
You never called back.
576
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,058
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
577
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:22,393
I was beginning to think you
were gonna blow me off, though,
578
00:19:22,394 --> 00:19:23,861
the way you blew off that loser
579
00:19:23,862 --> 00:19:25,196
that you didn't want to go out with,
580
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:27,066
so you pretended to have food poisoning?
581
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,101
You know what, Billy?
582
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,104
Go fuck yourself!
583
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,541
Hey, before I go, can I meet your mom?
584
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:36,374
Why?
585
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:37,308
I mean, a shrink
586
00:19:37,309 --> 00:19:38,175
who directs, writes,
587
00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:39,078
and has no legs,
588
00:19:39,079 --> 00:19:40,445
oh my no God.
589
00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:42,279
Introduce me to that woman.
590
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,516
Did I hear compliments?
591
00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:44,549
Hello.
592
00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,952
I'm Julie's mom.
593
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,854
You have legs.
594
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,155
Fresh.
595
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:50,990
Dear God, help us.
596
00:19:50,991 --> 00:19:52,257
I'm going to hell.
597
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:54,893
I knew you weren't atheists, either.
598
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:57,395
You can go fuck yourselves!
599
00:19:57,396 --> 00:20:00,465
Oh, it's so great having fans.
600
00:20:00,466 --> 00:20:02,300
Oh, there's Floy.
601
00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:03,436
Oh, that poor thing.
602
00:20:03,437 --> 00:20:05,437
She's had such a tough year.
603
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:08,074
Her husband left her and
then she got bed bugs.
604
00:20:08,075 --> 00:20:09,341
- What?
- Yeah.
605
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:10,941
She brought home a microwave cookbook
606
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:12,543
and inside were bedbugs.
607
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,181
She bought it from that used
bookstore on seventh avenue.
608
00:20:15,182 --> 00:20:16,448
Oh my God.
609
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,948
- Arthur just brought home...
- Right.
610
00:20:17,949 --> 00:20:20,019
...like, a ton of books from that place.
611
00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:22,487
Bedbugs lay eggs in books.
612
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:24,022
- They what?!
- What?
613
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,123
You got to go home right
now and get rid of them!
614
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:27,059
Gotta burn everything.
615
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,027
Gotta burn it!
616
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,829
And now for my Q&A.
617
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,138
Ah, nothing like a book burning at night.
618
00:20:39,139 --> 00:20:42,274
I'm glad we got a bedbug scare.
619
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,808
And you know what?
620
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,976
I'm glad our backup plans fell through.
621
00:20:45,977 --> 00:20:47,547
That's right, and we're
not backup plan people.
622
00:20:47,548 --> 00:20:49,014
Exactly.
623
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,183
You'll find somebody
hotter than dog run guy
624
00:20:51,184 --> 00:20:53,351
and sweeter than Carl.
625
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:55,152
Yeah, and who needs Sonny Killburg
626
00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:56,923
and his atheist podcast, anyway?
627
00:20:56,924 --> 00:20:58,523
Yeah.
628
00:20:58,524 --> 00:20:59,890
- And you know what?
- What?
629
00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:01,127
Here's the best part.
630
00:21:01,128 --> 00:21:04,195
We are going to be on NPR!
631
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:05,997
Oh my God!
632
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,198
NPR!
633
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:09,935
We're gonna be on NPR!
634
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,137
Oh, hey, Billy, Joey.
635
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:15,140
I'm ready for my first podcast interview.
636
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,475
- Hi Angela.
- Hey Angela.
637
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:21,514
You love books, huh?
638
00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:25,518
Go fuck yourselves!
639
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,362
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.MY-SUBS.com
43781
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