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00:00:01,445 --> 00:00:04,131
CBS presents a live
televised musical event,
2
00:00:04,156 --> 00:00:05,748
"Sunday in the Park with George,"
3
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:07,937
starring the cast of
"The Big Bang Theory"!
4
00:00:12,912 --> 00:00:14,874
- Resist!
- Impeach!
5
00:00:14,875 --> 00:00:18,297
- Stop this abomination!
- Don't ruin our favorite show!
6
00:00:20,218 --> 00:00:22,640
- Fuck you, Bazinga!
- No Bazinga!
7
00:00:26,774 --> 00:00:28,275
20 hours of community service
8
00:00:28,276 --> 00:00:30,071
is ridiculous for what we did.
9
00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:31,648
If we hadn't stormed that stage,
10
00:00:31,673 --> 00:00:33,024
people could have thought
that it reflected
11
00:00:33,048 --> 00:00:35,154
- Sondheim's intentions!
- Community service
12
00:00:35,179 --> 00:00:36,257
is so degrading.
13
00:00:36,282 --> 00:00:38,002
How do you think Boy
George got through it?
14
00:00:38,043 --> 00:00:40,673
Poppers... Hey, what time is it?
15
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,013
I need to make my annual
insurance-less pilgrimage
16
00:00:43,014 --> 00:00:45,017
to the old therapist
at my college clinic.
17
00:00:45,018 --> 00:00:46,936
You still go to the free student clinic
18
00:00:46,961 --> 00:00:48,273
for antidepressants?
19
00:00:48,274 --> 00:00:51,405
Ever since I gained my Freshman 1,500.
20
00:00:51,406 --> 00:00:53,040
You know, when Josh Gad
optioned my article,
21
00:00:53,064 --> 00:00:55,526
I thought I had a chance
at real medical care.
22
00:00:55,867 --> 00:00:58,293
But then that fell through,
and now I need my increase
23
00:00:58,294 --> 00:00:59,797
before the holiday.
24
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:02,009
Ah, yes... The Passover Bump.
25
00:01:02,010 --> 00:01:04,598
SSRis are like my own chemical Moses,
26
00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:06,728
getting me through a family Seder.
27
00:01:06,729 --> 00:01:08,773
Hey!
28
00:01:08,774 --> 00:01:11,654
Do you two outside janitors
know where the Trump statue is?
29
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:14,994
Yeah, sure, and we'd love to tell you.
30
00:01:14,995 --> 00:01:17,206
What you're gonna wanna do is just...
31
00:01:22,814 --> 00:01:24,930
"I waited over an hour for my food"
32
00:01:24,931 --> 00:01:28,312
"but got no help from the
elderly gay man with stubble"
33
00:01:28,313 --> 00:01:31,193
"or the unhinged blond"
34
00:01:31,194 --> 00:01:33,489
"with a lot to say about Area 51."
35
00:01:33,490 --> 00:01:35,744
Fucking transphobic Yelp reviewer!
36
00:01:35,745 --> 00:01:38,499
Look, now that there's a sound
stage in the neighborhood,
37
00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:41,588
daytime TV producers
want their food fast.
38
00:01:41,589 --> 00:01:44,093
Oh, God forbid Wendy Williams
or Maury's assistant
39
00:01:44,094 --> 00:01:46,933
- needs to wait for their eggs.
- I've come up with a plan.
40
00:01:46,934 --> 00:01:48,435
It's called the Nine-Minute Lunch.
41
00:01:48,436 --> 00:01:51,227
I think I got one of those in the
bathroom of the Phoenix once.
42
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,133
- Ugh!
- Trash!
43
00:01:53,158 --> 00:01:55,545
Look, lunch will be on the
table in nine minutes,
44
00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:56,812
or it's free.
45
00:01:57,125 --> 00:01:59,445
Well, this is the worst day ever.
46
00:01:59,555 --> 00:02:01,053
Why? Did Joel Grey's lawyer
47
00:02:01,078 --> 00:02:02,756
serve you with another
restraining order?
48
00:02:02,757 --> 00:02:05,386
Leave that bisexual octogenarian alone.
49
00:02:05,387 --> 00:02:08,601
My parents are dead!
50
00:02:08,602 --> 00:02:10,635
- My God, are you okay?
- What happened?
51
00:02:10,660 --> 00:02:12,278
Is that them in those urns?
52
00:02:12,535 --> 00:02:14,034
No, I'm not okay.
53
00:02:14,059 --> 00:02:15,403
They were murdered at Dollywood,
54
00:02:15,428 --> 00:02:18,391
and these are just two-for-one
vases I got on sale.
55
00:02:18,664 --> 00:02:21,585
Even in my darkest hour, I
can't pass up a bargain.
56
00:02:21,586 --> 00:02:23,798
Honey, are you sure you
wanna be at work today?
57
00:02:23,799 --> 00:02:25,854
Probably not. I'm the
emotional equivalent
58
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:28,268
- of bareback.
- Oh, he gets the day off,
59
00:02:28,293 --> 00:02:30,159
but Transarella has to scrub the floor?
60
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,939
I swear, if I have to
hear one more cis person
61
00:02:31,940 --> 00:02:33,902
complain about their life,
I'm gonna kill myself!
62
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:36,846
Matthew, I know we're not
friends or anything.
63
00:02:36,871 --> 00:02:38,577
I know we don't even like each other.
64
00:02:38,746 --> 00:02:42,043
But... my parents died too,
so if you ever need to...
65
00:02:42,044 --> 00:02:43,420
Monologue? Thank you.
66
00:02:43,965 --> 00:02:45,785
'Twas a Tuesday, so naturally
67
00:02:45,810 --> 00:02:48,238
Meemaw and Peepaw were
down at Dollywood.
68
00:02:48,488 --> 00:02:49,892
Well, there was one last funnel cake
69
00:02:49,893 --> 00:02:51,938
at the Lil' Loggers Landing ride,
70
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,108
and my parents died in the shootout.
71
00:02:54,109 --> 00:02:56,404
I-I'm sorry. Do white people
usually die like this?
72
00:02:56,405 --> 00:02:57,765
Yes.
73
00:02:57,790 --> 00:02:59,876
Tennessee is a mandatory carry state.
74
00:02:59,996 --> 00:03:03,085
And now I have to go down there
to identify the funnel cake!
75
00:03:03,671 --> 00:03:06,299
Does anybody have a gun I can borrow?
76
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:07,901
Oh, hey, okay, come on.
77
00:03:07,926 --> 00:03:10,725
Come on. You'll always be my baby.
78
00:03:10,726 --> 00:03:12,896
Oh, my real baby's crying.
79
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,403
- Hey! Oh, you okay.
- Hey.
80
00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,031
- Hi.
- Hey, fella.
81
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:20,119
Like I said,
82
00:03:20,573 --> 00:03:23,483
I know we're not friends
or anything, but...
83
00:03:23,836 --> 00:03:26,297
- Yeah...
- This sale...
84
00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:28,803
did it include furniture?
85
00:03:30,364 --> 00:03:31,753
Depression...
86
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,157
it follows you everywhere like a shadow.
87
00:03:34,385 --> 00:03:37,264
Ridshadovan treats
moderate-to-severe depression.
88
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,867
Call your doctor if you're
experiencing suicidal thoughts
89
00:03:39,868 --> 00:03:42,079
that are dissimilar to
the suicidal thoughts
90
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,624
you usually experience day-to-day.
91
00:03:43,625 --> 00:03:46,171
♪ In the dark... ♪
92
00:03:49,426 --> 00:03:51,932
Hey, Mom, have you heard of Ridshadovan?
93
00:03:51,933 --> 00:03:55,105
Heard of them? They sent me a
mouse pad and a pubic comb.
94
00:03:55,106 --> 00:03:56,776
Now that I've had my house renovated,
95
00:03:56,777 --> 00:03:58,821
I want everything to look perfect.
96
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:01,367
Speaking of that, what are
you wearing to the Seder?
97
00:04:01,368 --> 00:04:03,748
I have some notes about
last year's outfit.
98
00:04:03,749 --> 00:04:06,169
I'm an adult. I don't dress for you.
99
00:04:06,170 --> 00:04:08,256
You also don't dress
for your complexion.
100
00:04:08,257 --> 00:04:09,718
Okay, here's who's coming, and here's
101
00:04:09,719 --> 00:04:11,434
what not to talk to them about.
102
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,003
The ACLU.
103
00:04:13,028 --> 00:04:14,947
Women.
104
00:04:15,146 --> 00:04:18,235
And as for that angel of death
herself, Aunt Bonnie...
105
00:04:18,236 --> 00:04:19,863
Oh, shit. What is it this year?
106
00:04:19,864 --> 00:04:21,668
Her on-again cocaine addiction.
107
00:04:21,693 --> 00:04:24,139
Ugh! Like we need that bitch
to be even more of an asshole.
108
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:26,543
God, I hate that fuckin' bitch!
109
00:04:26,544 --> 00:04:28,673
Me too. I like that
we're getting along...
110
00:04:28,674 --> 00:04:31,409
Moving on. Here's what
not to talk to me about.
111
00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:32,639
Arthur.
112
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,193
- Arthur's drinking.
- Mohart?
113
00:04:34,217 --> 00:04:36,471
Yes. That's me.
114
00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:39,569
Just a... 17-year-old
115
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,406
college student.
116
00:04:41,637 --> 00:04:43,911
See you girls at the quad later.
117
00:04:43,912 --> 00:04:46,917
We can talk about vampire novels!
118
00:04:47,074 --> 00:04:48,503
Listen, here's why I'm here.
119
00:04:48,504 --> 00:04:50,591
My serotonin is in the serotoilet,
120
00:04:50,592 --> 00:04:53,054
and I'm gonna need you to
kick my meds up a notch.
121
00:04:53,055 --> 00:04:54,557
Oh.
122
00:04:54,558 --> 00:04:57,271
Let's see what you're currently taking.
123
00:04:57,645 --> 00:04:59,483
Uh...
124
00:04:59,484 --> 00:05:02,031
they still make that?!
125
00:05:02,032 --> 00:05:03,743
Yikes!
126
00:05:03,744 --> 00:05:06,039
Oh, yoy, yoy. Skimming, skimming.
127
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,168
- Skimming.
- How 'bout Ridshadovan?
128
00:05:08,543 --> 00:05:11,051
Can we add a splash of that
mixer to the cocktail?
129
00:05:11,076 --> 00:05:13,329
- What do you think?
- Why not?
130
00:05:13,471 --> 00:05:16,017
They sent me a fanny pack
and a whoopee cushion.
131
00:05:16,088 --> 00:05:17,839
Sounds legit!
132
00:05:21,293 --> 00:05:23,198
It's, uh, Kessler.
133
00:05:23,371 --> 00:05:25,410
K-e-s-s-l-e-r.
134
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,412
Hello!
135
00:05:31,837 --> 00:05:33,841
Oh, my God, she's dead.
136
00:05:35,390 --> 00:05:38,062
She died right in front of me.
137
00:05:43,916 --> 00:05:47,047
I just want the pad...
138
00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:50,127
Fuckin' rigor mortis setting in already!
139
00:05:50,568 --> 00:05:53,091
Why does everything bad
always happen to me?
140
00:05:54,511 --> 00:05:56,472
Have a nice day!
141
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:08,246
♪ Can you find me ♪
142
00:06:08,247 --> 00:06:10,836
♪ In the dark? ♪
143
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,061
This is what's called a grab-bag call.
144
00:06:14,147 --> 00:06:16,098
It's one audition that we can apply
145
00:06:16,123 --> 00:06:17,873
to hundreds of opportunities.
146
00:06:18,193 --> 00:06:20,248
There's so much content now,
147
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,059
individual auditions are
just not practical.
148
00:06:23,084 --> 00:06:25,184
Yeah. Everyone who used to
say, "I don't have a TV,"
149
00:06:25,209 --> 00:06:27,379
are now saying, "There
are too many shows!"
150
00:06:29,045 --> 00:06:30,051
I-I'm sorry.
151
00:06:30,052 --> 00:06:31,679
So I do this one audition,
152
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,265
and then I'm eligible for what?
153
00:06:33,266 --> 00:06:35,311
Well, let's see what's
on the menu today.
154
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:38,025
Oh, a recurring on a
Seeso crime procedural.
155
00:06:38,026 --> 00:06:40,697
- Seeso?
- It's on the computer.
156
00:06:41,303 --> 00:06:43,452
Uh, late-night warm-up comic.
157
00:06:43,453 --> 00:06:45,456
Kevin James's brother.
158
00:06:45,457 --> 00:06:47,217
Oh, sperm donor to my sister
159
00:06:47,242 --> 00:06:49,704
who's gonna be my surrogate
once she pays her dog's ransom.
160
00:06:50,008 --> 00:06:51,886
You kidnapped your sister's dog?
161
00:06:51,887 --> 00:06:54,045
I kidnapped my sister's dog.
162
00:06:54,592 --> 00:06:56,395
I need her to be my surrogate.
163
00:06:56,396 --> 00:06:58,023
You know how many kids she has?
164
00:06:58,024 --> 00:06:59,986
Three. You know how many I have?
165
00:07:00,088 --> 00:07:01,698
Minus two.
166
00:07:02,206 --> 00:07:04,244
So I'll be Charla, you be Dave,
167
00:07:04,245 --> 00:07:06,666
and, uh, let's just have fun with it.
168
00:07:07,370 --> 00:07:08,544
"Dave, wow..."
169
00:07:08,545 --> 00:07:11,008
"I thought you'd never come
visit me in the hospital."
170
00:07:11,009 --> 00:07:12,302
I'm leaving you.
171
00:07:12,303 --> 00:07:13,763
FUCK YOU!
172
00:07:14,479 --> 00:07:16,059
Hi. Welcome to the Quiznos Clinic.
173
00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:18,124
- Sandwiches or health care?
- Oh, I'm getting a sandwich.
174
00:07:18,148 --> 00:07:19,692
She's seeing the psychopharmacologist.
175
00:07:19,693 --> 00:07:20,988
Yeah. I have enough Toasty Points
176
00:07:21,012 --> 00:07:23,111
- to see a doctor for free.
- Great. He's just finishing up
177
00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:24,930
with a patient. White or wheat?
178
00:07:24,955 --> 00:07:27,584
White, please, 8-inch, turkey
ranch, and Swiss. Thanks.
179
00:07:27,831 --> 00:07:29,238
- Sounds good.
- God, I can't get over
180
00:07:29,262 --> 00:07:30,613
how weird it is that
the best health care
181
00:07:30,637 --> 00:07:32,323
in New York City is at a Quiznos.
182
00:07:32,348 --> 00:07:34,227
Well ever since Trump replaced
the Department of Health
183
00:07:34,251 --> 00:07:36,721
with Jenny McCarthy's blog,
nothing makes sense.
184
00:07:36,769 --> 00:07:39,356
Doctors have to do whatever
they can to earn a living.
185
00:07:39,357 --> 00:07:40,734
Um, the doctor's ready for you now.
186
00:07:40,735 --> 00:07:42,529
- Thanks.
- Have fun!
187
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:46,027
- Hi.
- Julia Kessler?
188
00:07:46,747 --> 00:07:48,875
Uh... looking at your
blood test results,
189
00:07:48,876 --> 00:07:50,807
I assume you're here
to wean yourself off
190
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:53,635
the toxic levels of
psychotropic meds in your body?
191
00:07:53,636 --> 00:07:55,263
Wait... what? No, no, no, no, no.
192
00:07:55,264 --> 00:07:56,878
I'm here for more antidepressants.
193
00:07:56,903 --> 00:07:58,456
You see, Passover is coming,
194
00:07:58,481 --> 00:08:00,462
like winter on "Game
of Thrones," I assume,
195
00:08:00,487 --> 00:08:01,693
and I need more drugs
196
00:08:01,694 --> 00:08:03,487
so I can survive my family
during the holidays.
197
00:08:03,488 --> 00:08:05,993
If I give you more
antidepressants, you'll die.
198
00:08:05,994 --> 00:08:08,247
Your blood is technically a foam.
199
00:08:08,651 --> 00:08:09,792
So... I-I'm sorry. What are you saying?
200
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,393
You're not gonna give me any more drugs?
201
00:08:11,714 --> 00:08:12,715
No.
202
00:08:12,716 --> 00:08:14,034
Fuck you!
203
00:08:18,294 --> 00:08:19,487
Heller?
204
00:08:19,512 --> 00:08:20,823
Good afternoont!
205
00:08:20,894 --> 00:08:22,814
Billy Epstein? Congratulations.
206
00:08:22,839 --> 00:08:25,443
- You booked a role!
- Oh, my God! Which one?
207
00:08:25,444 --> 00:08:27,949
First I need to read you
the roles you did not get,
208
00:08:27,950 --> 00:08:29,703
starting alphabetically.
209
00:08:29,704 --> 00:08:32,165
AMA Awards Red Carpet Host,
210
00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:34,086
Annette Bening's butt double...
211
00:08:34,087 --> 00:08:35,682
Can you just tell me which one I got?
212
00:08:35,707 --> 00:08:39,487
Interesting way of gathering
information, but okay, I'll bite.
213
00:08:39,514 --> 00:08:41,685
Larry Wilmore has a new
late-night talk show,
214
00:08:41,686 --> 00:08:44,858
and you're the warm-up comic
for his studio audience!
215
00:08:45,010 --> 00:08:47,572
Okay! All right, amazing!
216
00:08:47,573 --> 00:08:50,870
Um... but I-I'm sorry. Can you tell me,
217
00:08:50,871 --> 00:08:52,707
did Annette Bening's butt double people
218
00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:54,628
have any notes for next time?
219
00:08:55,104 --> 00:08:57,040
Extended Release, how was the doctor?
220
00:08:57,065 --> 00:08:59,721
Horrible. I maxed out
on antidepressants.
221
00:09:00,159 --> 00:09:02,142
- But it's Passover.
- Yeah, I know.
222
00:09:02,143 --> 00:09:03,519
How am I supposed to get through Seder
223
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:04,939
without my little helper?
224
00:09:05,089 --> 00:09:06,690
How'd you know I was going out of town?
225
00:09:06,737 --> 00:09:08,279
No, no, no, I meant little helper,
226
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,589
like slang for drugs.
227
00:09:09,614 --> 00:09:12,096
Like black beauties or Imagine Dragons.
228
00:09:12,121 --> 00:09:13,707
Or bennies. Bennies burritos.
229
00:09:13,708 --> 00:09:15,377
Dexies. Dexys Midnight Runners.
230
00:09:15,378 --> 00:09:17,547
Uppers, downers, East Enders, skins,
231
00:09:17,548 --> 00:09:19,719
Winonas, Puerto Rican French fries,
232
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,640
Liza with a Zs, ludes,
233
00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:23,351
Crude ludes with attitudes...
234
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,215
You're going out of town?
235
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,275
- I just found out.
- Jesus Christ, Arthur!
236
00:09:27,276 --> 00:09:29,607
I haven't had to sit through
a family Seder by myself
237
00:09:29,632 --> 00:09:31,948
since I was a witch in college.
You know I depend on
238
00:09:31,973 --> 00:09:33,643
my mother's hatred of you to pull focus
239
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,417
off my own wrongdoings.
240
00:09:35,418 --> 00:09:37,832
And I love being your human shield,
241
00:09:37,857 --> 00:09:38,966
but due to budget cuts,
242
00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:41,220
PBS had to relocate all our productions.
243
00:09:41,221 --> 00:09:42,974
Please tell me you're not going to L. A.
244
00:09:42,975 --> 00:09:45,103
I wish! Louisiana was too expensive.
245
00:09:45,104 --> 00:09:46,815
No, from here on in, we're
shooting everything
246
00:09:46,816 --> 00:09:48,526
at Burt Reynolds' old dinner theater
247
00:09:48,527 --> 00:09:49,836
in Jupiter, Florida.
248
00:09:50,071 --> 00:09:51,449
Oh, Jesus, Arthur!
249
00:09:51,450 --> 00:09:53,077
Why is this happening?
250
00:09:53,078 --> 00:09:54,563
I'll be back before you know it,
251
00:09:54,588 --> 00:09:56,381
and Billy will be at the Seder.
252
00:09:58,758 --> 00:10:00,593
- Hey.
- Good news, bad news.
253
00:10:00,594 --> 00:10:01,970
I'm warming up for Larry Wilmore,
254
00:10:01,971 --> 00:10:03,264
and I can't come to Seder.
255
00:10:03,265 --> 00:10:05,018
Oh, fuck!
256
00:10:05,542 --> 00:10:07,087
Wait, which is which?
257
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,079
Thanks for volunteering
258
00:10:09,104 --> 00:10:10,142
here at the Children's Hospital.
259
00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:11,289
Well, it was mandatory,
260
00:10:11,314 --> 00:10:12,790
part of our community
service requirement.
261
00:10:12,814 --> 00:10:15,547
But it's nice to finally have
a pair of shoes that fits me.
262
00:10:15,572 --> 00:10:17,185
You're gonna brighten up some lives!
263
00:10:17,210 --> 00:10:18,294
These kids are at an age
264
00:10:18,295 --> 00:10:19,461
where they don't know yet
265
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:20,735
to be scared of clowns.
266
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,102
I want a clown name,
267
00:10:22,127 --> 00:10:24,700
you know, just a big,
goofy, harmless clown,
268
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,227
someone who doesn't upset anybody,
269
00:10:26,228 --> 00:10:28,659
totally unmemorable, no edge.
270
00:10:29,744 --> 00:10:32,072
Hey, kid, I'm Go-Go!
271
00:10:32,073 --> 00:10:34,284
- And I'm Mario Lopez.
- And we're here
272
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:37,734
to make your last hours on
Earth a little sillier!
273
00:10:44,684 --> 00:10:46,935
So do you have any jokes?
274
00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:48,654
Maybe we can read you
some of our tweets.
275
00:10:48,678 --> 00:10:50,321
- Oh, that's a good idea.
- 'Cause we've written those already...
276
00:10:50,345 --> 00:10:51,536
Those are already out there.
277
00:10:51,561 --> 00:10:53,648
Yeah, exactly. You can't steal them.
278
00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:56,083
- Uh... no.
- Too obscure.
279
00:10:56,325 --> 00:10:58,323
Oh, here's one. You know Elmo, right?
280
00:10:58,348 --> 00:10:59,711
Here's one about the
guy who played Elmo.
281
00:10:59,712 --> 00:11:01,649
Oh, no, no. Maybe no tweets.
282
00:11:01,997 --> 00:11:03,802
Hey, kid, um...
283
00:11:04,176 --> 00:11:06,247
how long did the doctor
give you to live?
284
00:11:06,272 --> 00:11:08,231
I have a broken leg.
285
00:11:08,684 --> 00:11:10,106
From the cancer?
286
00:11:10,262 --> 00:11:12,444
No. I went on a ski trip.
287
00:11:12,614 --> 00:11:14,782
You're not dying? And you're rich?
288
00:11:14,783 --> 00:11:16,645
Well, fuck this!
289
00:11:17,121 --> 00:11:19,667
- Ooh, chocolates.
- Hey, that's mine.
290
00:11:19,787 --> 00:11:21,935
Yeah. Come over and stop me.
291
00:11:23,396 --> 00:11:25,428
Are you clowns gonna do anything?
292
00:11:25,429 --> 00:11:27,505
I'll sign your fucking cast.
293
00:11:28,630 --> 00:11:30,070
You know what we can
do to fill the time?
294
00:11:30,094 --> 00:11:32,586
- Hmm?
- We can brainstorm some ways
295
00:11:32,611 --> 00:11:34,739
for you not to jump off
the ledge during Seder.
296
00:11:34,850 --> 00:11:38,204
Okay. Non-pharmaceutical
ways of dealing with stress.
297
00:11:38,205 --> 00:11:40,375
My mom goes to our
Sausalito house sometimes
298
00:11:40,376 --> 00:11:42,045
to meditate with Oprah.
299
00:11:42,046 --> 00:11:44,174
- Oh, shut up, Baby Warbucks.
- Wait a minute.
300
00:11:44,175 --> 00:11:45,438
Meditation, though?
301
00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,329
That's just napping, right?
I can do that!
302
00:11:47,354 --> 00:11:49,537
You need to get yourself one
of those meditation apps.
303
00:11:49,670 --> 00:11:50,910
That way, you can be one of those people
304
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:52,337
who feels superior to other people
305
00:11:52,362 --> 00:11:55,049
- because you meditate.
- Yes, brilliant. I'll try it. Okay.
306
00:11:55,127 --> 00:11:57,189
Great news, kid... I left
you the creams and jellies
307
00:11:57,213 --> 00:11:58,260
in this chocolate assortment.
308
00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,831
Bad news... I'm taking the rest of it.
309
00:11:59,971 --> 00:12:02,712
Look! Mario Lopez signed your cast.
310
00:12:05,864 --> 00:12:08,573
No. No.
311
00:12:09,276 --> 00:12:10,549
17.99? Really?
312
00:12:10,574 --> 00:12:12,661
You still owe me 10 bucks
for "Inland Empire."
313
00:12:13,162 --> 00:12:15,666
No. Ooh!
314
00:12:18,953 --> 00:12:20,998
Hey, it's me, Danny Aiello.
315
00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:23,127
- Are you ready to meditate?
- Yeah!
316
00:12:23,128 --> 00:12:25,006
What a coincidence. So the hell am I.
317
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,218
Okay, pally, do me a favor
318
00:12:27,219 --> 00:12:29,473
and get yourself in a
comfortable position
319
00:12:29,474 --> 00:12:31,644
and take some deep breaths.
320
00:12:35,729 --> 00:12:37,782
There you go.
321
00:12:39,828 --> 00:12:42,248
And now, we are back.
322
00:12:42,249 --> 00:12:43,919
How do you feel?
323
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,925
Pretty relaxed, huh? Atta girl!
324
00:12:46,926 --> 00:12:50,933
Now you're all meditated,
with me, Danny Aiello.
325
00:12:50,934 --> 00:12:52,269
Bye!
326
00:12:54,557 --> 00:12:56,165
Happy Passover, Mom.
327
00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:58,782
Julie, why are you late?
328
00:12:58,807 --> 00:13:01,166
You know, it's funny. I've
been losing track of time
329
00:13:01,191 --> 00:13:02,413
since I started meditating.
330
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:05,419
And I've been losing money too.
Is that how that works?
331
00:13:05,420 --> 00:13:07,215
- As a mental health profession...
- Okay, enough!
332
00:13:07,216 --> 00:13:10,221
Your father is stuck on the
BQE with a fruit platter.
333
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,267
I told him to put Waze on the phone.
334
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,548
He says, "No. It takes
up too much memory."
335
00:13:14,573 --> 00:13:17,778
What's he doing on his
phone, making documentaries?
336
00:13:21,996 --> 00:13:24,374
Oh, fuck.
337
00:13:24,573 --> 00:13:26,588
Hi, Aunt Bonnie!
338
00:13:26,589 --> 00:13:28,465
Hi, Julie.
339
00:13:28,466 --> 00:13:29,677
Marilyn.
340
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:31,430
Hello, Bonnie.
341
00:13:31,431 --> 00:13:33,142
You're looking very well.
342
00:13:33,276 --> 00:13:35,338
It's natural to expect
a little weight gain,
343
00:13:35,363 --> 00:13:37,084
considering all the damage
344
00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:39,404
the cocaine's done to your metabolism.
345
00:13:39,405 --> 00:13:42,410
Oh, don't worry. I'll
work it off with sex.
346
00:13:42,411 --> 00:13:44,749
- You remember sex, Marilyn.
- Yes, I do, Bonnie.
347
00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:47,713
You never forget your little
sister's first paying job.
348
00:13:47,714 --> 00:13:49,174
Oh, you dirty bitch.
349
00:13:49,175 --> 00:13:50,330
Hey, come on, Lola,
350
00:13:50,355 --> 00:13:52,438
I got two potato chip
sandwiches up for table three.
351
00:13:52,463 --> 00:13:54,244
I know Billy's at his stupid new job,
352
00:13:54,269 --> 00:13:56,448
but where the fuck is Matthew?
353
00:13:57,330 --> 00:13:59,729
Matthew. You are two hours late!
354
00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:02,468
And you look like Sal
Mineo went to a Hot Topic
355
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:04,287
right before he was murdered.
356
00:14:04,471 --> 00:14:07,043
Uh, so? I don't got parents no more.
357
00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:09,173
So I don't gotta do nothin' nobody says.
358
00:14:09,198 --> 00:14:11,079
I had candy for breakfast this morning.
359
00:14:11,104 --> 00:14:12,680
I don't even give a care!
360
00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,579
Is this about you losing your parents?
361
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:15,978
That happened on Tuesday.
362
00:14:15,979 --> 00:14:17,773
You're milking this like it had titties!
363
00:14:18,299 --> 00:14:19,915
And, yeah, as a transwoman,
364
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:22,741
I can engage in provocative
biological discourse.
365
00:14:22,742 --> 00:14:25,371
This is insane! Nine-Minute
Lunch, my ass!
366
00:14:25,372 --> 00:14:27,500
Like, where is my cold
cut and grape salad?
367
00:14:27,501 --> 00:14:29,087
All right, all right. Matthew.
368
00:14:29,088 --> 00:14:30,548
Mattman.
369
00:14:30,690 --> 00:14:32,385
Mattman, we know you're upset,
370
00:14:32,410 --> 00:14:33,940
but we need you to help out.
371
00:14:33,965 --> 00:14:35,785
Do you think you could wait some tables?
372
00:14:35,810 --> 00:14:38,272
You're not my father!
373
00:14:38,666 --> 00:14:40,065
Oh, my God.
374
00:14:40,090 --> 00:14:42,720
What are we supposed to do
about our out-of-control teen?
375
00:14:42,866 --> 00:14:44,565
Excuse me.
376
00:14:45,065 --> 00:14:46,622
I've waited more than ten minutes
377
00:14:46,623 --> 00:14:48,250
for my carrot wrapped in salami,
378
00:14:48,385 --> 00:14:50,643
so I guess that means I get a free meal.
379
00:14:53,791 --> 00:14:55,556
Hey, Facebook Live, it's Billy.
380
00:14:55,557 --> 00:14:57,560
I am coming to you from
the set of my new...
381
00:14:57,561 --> 00:15:00,066
Oh, 'scuse me... My new comedy job.
382
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,571
I am doing comedy for one
of the funniest Larrys
383
00:15:02,572 --> 00:15:05,451
of all time. Not David. Not Sanders.
384
00:15:05,452 --> 00:15:07,831
Not even Miller. But Wilmore!
385
00:15:08,096 --> 00:15:09,960
Wilmore! Larry Wilmore!
386
00:15:09,961 --> 00:15:12,298
- Yes, I am.
- Oh, my God, Larry, hey.
387
00:15:12,299 --> 00:15:14,260
I'm Billy. I'm the new warm-up comic.
388
00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:16,513
I was a huge fan of "The
Nightly Show," I really was.
389
00:15:16,538 --> 00:15:17,818
Yeah, well, this is a little different.
390
00:15:17,842 --> 00:15:19,971
I'm doing everything the
network tells me to do
391
00:15:19,996 --> 00:15:23,708
for those high ratings. I
just want to stay on the air.
392
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,700
Let me tell you what
America loves on TV.
393
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:27,663
Party games with celebrities,
394
00:15:27,664 --> 00:15:29,625
and interviews with
precocious little kids
395
00:15:29,626 --> 00:15:31,336
by black men over 40.
396
00:15:31,337 --> 00:15:32,714
You're right. Steve Harvey.
397
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:34,551
Bill Cosby.
398
00:15:34,552 --> 00:15:36,753
- Bill Cosby?
- When it comes to doing
399
00:15:36,778 --> 00:15:38,267
"the darndest things"...
400
00:15:38,268 --> 00:15:40,437
You think drugging women
and having sex with them
401
00:15:40,438 --> 00:15:42,609
while they're asleep is a...
"darndest thing"?
402
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,652
- It's not not the darndest.
- No. No, it's not.
403
00:15:45,677 --> 00:15:47,481
Why don't we leave
Larry alone for a sec.
404
00:15:47,506 --> 00:15:48,833
- Sure, yeah.
- Okay.
405
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,380
Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
406
00:15:50,405 --> 00:15:52,033
Two days ago, I was serving
mozzarella sticks,
407
00:15:52,057 --> 00:15:53,983
and now I am rifting with Larry Wilmore!
408
00:15:54,008 --> 00:15:56,136
This is crazy! I have a
question, by the way.
409
00:15:56,137 --> 00:15:57,692
Do I do my stand-up right at the top?
410
00:15:57,717 --> 00:15:59,237
Because I have a tight 15 minutes
411
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:00,687
about a loose Kevin Spacey.
412
00:16:00,688 --> 00:16:02,856
Hey, don't worry about your "stand-up."
413
00:16:02,881 --> 00:16:05,218
Your job is to psych up those people.
414
00:16:05,630 --> 00:16:07,325
Come over here, clown.
415
00:16:07,598 --> 00:16:09,339
Look at this. See this?
416
00:16:09,364 --> 00:16:12,210
This is a CD. This is for
the booty-shaking contest.
417
00:16:12,211 --> 00:16:14,715
This is a cannon that
shoots out T-shirts.
418
00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:16,044
- Okay.
- These are the T-shirts.
419
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,412
- Guess where they go?
- In the cannon.
420
00:16:17,436 --> 00:16:19,063
In the cannon. What is this right here?
421
00:16:19,088 --> 00:16:20,958
These are snacks for
those animals up there.
422
00:16:20,983 --> 00:16:22,745
And these are the two
most important things.
423
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,525
This is the prank call templates,
424
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:26,656
and these are the clapter suggestions.
425
00:16:26,657 --> 00:16:28,618
I'm sorry... "clapter"?
426
00:16:28,619 --> 00:16:30,622
Clapter. That's when one of
your jokes doesn't work,
427
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,751
you don't get a laugh, you
say something very obvious
428
00:16:32,752 --> 00:16:34,672
that everyone understands is correct.
429
00:16:34,673 --> 00:16:35,935
That way, at least you get applause.
430
00:16:35,959 --> 00:16:37,587
Oh. So basically the show bible
431
00:16:37,612 --> 00:16:39,073
for "Real Time With Bill Maher."
432
00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:40,349
Don't riff!
433
00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:41,978
Welcome to Seder, everybody.
434
00:16:41,979 --> 00:16:43,082
Happy Passover!
435
00:16:43,107 --> 00:16:44,985
Happy Passover.
436
00:16:45,025 --> 00:16:47,153
- Happy Passover.
- Hello, Marilyn.
437
00:16:47,364 --> 00:16:49,576
So glad I could be here from
the other promised land...
438
00:16:49,577 --> 00:16:50,954
Jupiter, Florida.
439
00:16:52,364 --> 00:16:53,706
What was that?
440
00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:55,372
Since I landed in Florida,
441
00:16:55,397 --> 00:16:57,901
there's been a steady stream
of gunfire and explosions.
442
00:16:58,661 --> 00:17:01,558
Judi... viewers... Bush!
443
00:17:01,559 --> 00:17:04,230
Is he really doing that,
or am I just detoxing?
444
00:17:04,418 --> 00:17:07,315
- Both. That'll do, pig.
- Hello!
445
00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:08,614
Can you hear...
446
00:17:08,615 --> 00:17:10,059
Can we please start the Seder?
447
00:17:10,084 --> 00:17:11,681
The sooner we start, the
sooner we get to eat.
448
00:17:11,705 --> 00:17:13,909
Oh, Julie, please, just eat.
449
00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:15,294
I mean, who could blame you
for stuffing your face
450
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:16,927
when you got a mess of
a mother like that?
451
00:17:16,951 --> 00:17:18,703
Don't you tell me why
my daughter overeats.
452
00:17:18,782 --> 00:17:21,286
I'll tell you why my daughter overeats.
453
00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:23,208
- Impulse control.
- Impulse control?
454
00:17:23,233 --> 00:17:25,982
- That's right.
- I call it neglect!
455
00:17:25,983 --> 00:17:28,696
Everything about her is
screaming, "Look at me!"
456
00:17:28,697 --> 00:17:31,076
- "Look at me!"
- My parenting has absolutely
457
00:17:31,077 --> 00:17:33,710
nothing to do with her
desperate need of attention!
458
00:17:33,735 --> 00:17:35,821
- Denial.
- What do you know about kids
459
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,396
The only kids you know
460
00:17:37,421 --> 00:17:38,758
are the ones you've blown!
461
00:17:38,759 --> 00:17:41,013
Seacrest out.
462
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:44,303
What's going on with Mattman?
463
00:17:44,589 --> 00:17:46,216
Well, Maury,
464
00:17:46,318 --> 00:17:48,716
Matthew used to be the sweetest boy.
465
00:17:48,741 --> 00:17:51,116
But, you know, this last one day
466
00:17:51,117 --> 00:17:52,953
has just been a nightmare.
467
00:17:52,954 --> 00:17:55,040
- Aw!
- Well, maybe we can
468
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,629
end this nightmare right now.
469
00:17:57,630 --> 00:17:59,549
Mattman, come on out!
470
00:17:59,550 --> 00:18:01,637
You don't know me!
471
00:18:01,638 --> 00:18:03,725
You don't know me! I do what I want.
472
00:18:03,726 --> 00:18:06,169
You can't handle all this!
473
00:18:06,194 --> 00:18:07,481
- Sit down, sit down.
- Shut up!
474
00:18:07,482 --> 00:18:09,583
Mattman, you think it's neat to be rude?
475
00:18:09,608 --> 00:18:11,991
- It's not neat.
- I think it's neat as fuck.
476
00:18:11,992 --> 00:18:13,661
I don't got parents no more, so I decide
477
00:18:13,662 --> 00:18:15,665
what the fuck to do,
what the fuck I want.
478
00:18:15,666 --> 00:18:18,588
Oh... boo!
479
00:18:19,061 --> 00:18:20,833
Denise, you wanna tell him something?
480
00:18:20,858 --> 00:18:22,888
Matthew...
481
00:18:22,889 --> 00:18:26,269
yes... there's an
addition to our family.
482
00:18:26,553 --> 00:18:27,856
There's a new ingénue,
483
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,737
but you will always be my Broadway baby.
484
00:18:30,738 --> 00:18:32,240
Aw!
485
00:18:32,265 --> 00:18:35,645
You gotta think about the
1989 revival of "Gypsy."
486
00:18:35,998 --> 00:18:39,264
Yes, Linda Lavin was
a great replacement,
487
00:18:39,576 --> 00:18:44,097
but Tyne Daley is on
the cast album, right?
488
00:18:45,135 --> 00:18:47,055
Thank you for putting it in my terms.
489
00:18:48,397 --> 00:18:50,485
- I'm gonna kill that baby.
- Wait... What?
490
00:18:52,451 --> 00:18:55,829
Uh... okay, party people.
491
00:18:56,397 --> 00:18:58,668
How 'bout a prank phone call?
492
00:18:58,669 --> 00:19:00,379
It's just gonna go to voice mail.
493
00:19:00,380 --> 00:19:02,884
No one picks up their phone anymore.
494
00:19:05,181 --> 00:19:07,123
- What's up with the crowd, man?
- They're acting like
495
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:09,146
I didn't just play beer
pong with Joan Didion.
496
00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:11,528
That segment was terrific.
And just so you know,
497
00:19:11,553 --> 00:19:13,280
the medic on the set,
she said that she can
498
00:19:13,281 --> 00:19:15,117
absolutely reattach that finger.
499
00:19:15,118 --> 00:19:16,871
Yeah, all right, whatever.
But I think we made
500
00:19:16,872 --> 00:19:18,583
a big mistake with this warm-up guy.
501
00:19:18,584 --> 00:19:20,628
Oh, fuck.
502
00:19:20,629 --> 00:19:22,214
God, they hate me.
503
00:19:22,215 --> 00:19:24,928
Uh... all right, time for some clapter.
504
00:19:25,694 --> 00:19:27,224
Uh...
505
00:19:27,225 --> 00:19:29,688
Okay, guys, so, um,
506
00:19:29,689 --> 00:19:32,359
you know, Osama Bin Laden is still dead.
507
00:19:34,991 --> 00:19:36,787
And, uh, let me just ask you.
508
00:19:36,812 --> 00:19:40,067
How many of you here hate AIDS?
509
00:19:42,673 --> 00:19:44,928
And now the easiest clapter of all...
510
00:19:44,953 --> 00:19:47,958
give it up for Larry Wilmore!
511
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,936
You know, it's great that
Larry has a new show,
512
00:19:52,961 --> 00:19:55,549
because nobody watched his old show.
513
00:19:57,140 --> 00:19:59,227
Oh... ha ha. Maybe I should riff.
514
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:02,162
Right? I mean, Larry always kept it 100.
515
00:20:02,187 --> 00:20:04,983
Unfortunately, he kept
it at 100 viewers.
516
00:20:06,703 --> 00:20:10,166
You used my own... words
517
00:20:10,397 --> 00:20:12,565
to slam me?
518
00:20:12,566 --> 00:20:15,487
He's using my words to slam me.
519
00:20:15,685 --> 00:20:18,284
Uh, Hey, Larry, will more people
520
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:19,997
watch your new show?
521
00:20:21,584 --> 00:20:23,270
I'm gonna fucking kill that guy.
522
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,633
Relax. Remember what
Danny Aiello taught you?
523
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:27,219
- Yes. Breathe.
- All right.
524
00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:28,455
This next segment is bulletproof.
525
00:20:28,479 --> 00:20:29,962
You talk to a kid. It's very easy.
526
00:20:29,987 --> 00:20:31,573
- I got it, I got it.
- You got it?
527
00:20:31,628 --> 00:20:33,672
All right, we're back in three, two...
528
00:20:37,172 --> 00:20:39,007
Hey, all right.
529
00:20:39,032 --> 00:20:40,580
This next totally original segment
530
00:20:40,581 --> 00:20:43,977
is called Little Kids Say Dumb
Things to Big shot Larry.
531
00:20:44,002 --> 00:20:47,602
So everybody please help
me welcome Mikey Blazina!
532
00:20:49,389 --> 00:20:51,476
Hey, how's it going?
533
00:20:54,634 --> 00:20:55,985
Oh, fuck.
534
00:20:55,986 --> 00:20:58,281
Hey, Mario Lopez!
535
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:00,661
Check it out, audience.
536
00:21:00,662 --> 00:21:03,041
He's already saying some dumb shit.
537
00:21:03,042 --> 00:21:06,130
That clown wrote on my
leg cast that I was gay,
538
00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:08,051
so the kids at school beat me up,
539
00:21:08,052 --> 00:21:09,668
and now I have this arm cast!
540
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,434
Who, the "not funny T-shirt
giving out motherfucker"
541
00:21:12,435 --> 00:21:14,146
- over there?
- And he ruined
542
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:15,817
"Bazinga in the Park with George"!
543
00:21:15,957 --> 00:21:17,946
- OH!
- He what?
544
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,450
Tell the set medic to leave the premises
545
00:21:20,451 --> 00:21:22,191
with Joan Didion's frozen finger.
546
00:21:22,254 --> 00:21:24,246
I want this piece of
shit to bleed to death
547
00:21:24,271 --> 00:21:26,149
while I punch his teeth out.
548
00:21:30,388 --> 00:21:31,723
Ohh!
549
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:33,892
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
550
00:21:35,110 --> 00:21:38,027
You want a T-shirt? Beg, motherfucker!
551
00:21:39,954 --> 00:21:42,149
Okay, pally, do me a solid.
552
00:21:42,174 --> 00:21:45,889
Ask yourself... what are you afraid of?
553
00:21:46,003 --> 00:21:48,047
- My mother.
- What's in the way
554
00:21:48,048 --> 00:21:50,010
- of your happiness?
- My mother.
555
00:21:50,011 --> 00:21:51,720
Well, I got news for you, friendo.
556
00:21:51,745 --> 00:21:54,494
You gotta become the thing
that's getting in your way.
557
00:21:54,519 --> 00:21:56,230
But I'm afraid of becoming my mother.
558
00:21:56,231 --> 00:21:58,569
It's time to swim through the pain.
559
00:21:58,570 --> 00:22:00,370
Now, I don't know how to swim.
560
00:22:00,395 --> 00:22:03,650
Marty Scorsese said that's
why he never cast me
561
00:22:03,675 --> 00:22:05,470
in any of his movies.
562
00:22:05,626 --> 00:22:07,252
But I know he was lying.
563
00:22:07,253 --> 00:22:08,714
What does he fuckin' make,
564
00:22:08,715 --> 00:22:10,927
Esther Williams movies?
565
00:22:10,928 --> 00:22:14,016
Now... that you're good and relaxed,
566
00:22:14,017 --> 00:22:17,105
write down my routing number.
567
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:21,865
- Hey.
- Bonnie? What the hell!
568
00:22:21,866 --> 00:22:24,704
I saw you duck in here,
all stressed out.
569
00:22:24,705 --> 00:22:26,207
Now, come on.
570
00:22:26,401 --> 00:22:28,921
Give your Aunt Bonnie a nice, fat line
571
00:22:28,922 --> 00:22:32,177
of that tasty kosher for
Passover booger sugar.
572
00:22:32,178 --> 00:22:33,705
What the hell is wrong with you?
573
00:22:33,730 --> 00:22:35,940
You can't get through
one meal without drugs?
574
00:22:36,127 --> 00:22:37,689
Your mother drove me to it.
575
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,776
I get it. I completely relate.
576
00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:43,116
But... you know what?
Maybe it's time for us
577
00:22:43,117 --> 00:22:45,955
to become the thing that's
getting in our way.
578
00:22:46,158 --> 00:22:47,729
We already opened the door for Elijah.
579
00:22:47,754 --> 00:22:50,415
- Where were you, Julie?
- Oh, just upstairs,
580
00:22:50,464 --> 00:22:53,469
helping out, being the
selfless daughter I always am.
581
00:22:54,010 --> 00:22:56,049
By the way, dear, I had some notes
582
00:22:56,074 --> 00:22:58,322
about the blouse you
chose to wear tonight.
583
00:22:58,347 --> 00:23:00,083
I'm concerned it's not
the most flattering
584
00:23:00,108 --> 00:23:02,297
to your... bra fat area.
585
00:23:02,322 --> 00:23:04,826
I'm an adult. I don't dress for you.
586
00:23:04,827 --> 00:23:07,205
What's that? I couldn't hear
you over all the makeup.
587
00:23:07,206 --> 00:23:09,666
Lorna, would you pass whatever
food is in front of you?
588
00:23:09,691 --> 00:23:12,278
Please be careful. Small bites.
589
00:23:12,467 --> 00:23:14,053
Try to exercise some impulse control.
590
00:23:14,054 --> 00:23:15,639
I'm sorry.
591
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,267
God, I'm the worst.
592
00:23:17,268 --> 00:23:18,937
What are you two, "Freaky Fridaying"?
593
00:23:18,938 --> 00:23:22,277
You know... I once made
Barbara Harris watch
594
00:23:22,278 --> 00:23:24,616
while I blew her husband.
595
00:23:24,617 --> 00:23:28,081
And on that note, so
ends another Passover.
596
00:23:28,665 --> 00:23:30,010
Oh, by the way,
597
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,255
your friend in the computer needs help.
598
00:23:32,256 --> 00:23:34,176
Wait a minute.
599
00:23:34,177 --> 00:23:37,099
It's over? I survived the Seder?
600
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:39,528
Mom, Danny Aiello was my Passover Bump!
601
00:23:39,553 --> 00:23:41,973
Aah!
602
00:23:42,026 --> 00:23:44,279
She's found me! My
depression has found me!
603
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,630
- Who the hell are you?
- You can see her too?
604
00:23:46,655 --> 00:23:49,401
Damn it, Flipper, I told you to text me
605
00:23:49,426 --> 00:23:50,960
when you were around the corner.
606
00:23:51,318 --> 00:23:54,746
Bonnie, is that your drug
dealer that you invited here?
607
00:23:54,771 --> 00:23:57,890
No. She happens to be
my tennis instructor.
608
00:23:57,891 --> 00:24:00,896
Bullshit! I've seen you at my
old college campus downtown.
609
00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,777
Probably. I sell a lot
of drugs to students.
610
00:24:03,778 --> 00:24:05,280
You want my pager number?
611
00:24:05,281 --> 00:24:07,994
Get the fuck outta here. Go! Go!
612
00:24:07,995 --> 00:24:09,998
- Come on.
- Trash.
613
00:24:09,999 --> 00:24:12,753
I'm sorry the holidays
have to be so difficult.
614
00:24:12,754 --> 00:24:15,718
Me too. But we can agree
on one thing, though.
615
00:24:15,719 --> 00:24:18,222
Aunt Bonnie is a total waste of space.
616
00:24:18,223 --> 00:24:20,943
A true human dumpster.
617
00:24:22,131 --> 00:24:23,399
Wanna finish those macaroons?
618
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,571
- I sure do.
- One more thing.
619
00:24:25,572 --> 00:24:28,242
If a couple of guys show
up asking for me...
620
00:24:28,498 --> 00:24:31,875
Javier and his cousin
Carlos, both about 19...
621
00:24:31,876 --> 00:24:33,921
tell them to meet me at the Days Inn
622
00:24:33,922 --> 00:24:36,574
near JFK and bring the poppers
623
00:24:36,599 --> 00:24:38,060
but forget the rubbers.
624
00:24:38,085 --> 00:24:40,088
Happy Passover.
625
00:24:40,459 --> 00:24:42,020
Never brag on social media
626
00:24:42,021 --> 00:24:44,734
about a job you haven't started yet.
627
00:24:45,271 --> 00:24:47,364
What are our fake friends saying online?
628
00:24:47,365 --> 00:24:49,619
"Hey, asshole, I hear
your new job's a hit."
629
00:24:49,620 --> 00:24:52,040
"In the face. From Larry Wilmore."
630
00:24:52,380 --> 00:24:54,921
How 'bout you? You're gonna
continue meditating?
631
00:24:54,946 --> 00:24:57,888
No, I don't think so. I mean,
yes, it really helped.
632
00:24:57,935 --> 00:24:59,555
But then I was going
through my bank statement,
633
00:24:59,556 --> 00:25:01,058
and I realized I was hypnotized
634
00:25:01,059 --> 00:25:04,273
into sending Danny Aiello nearly $700.
635
00:25:04,274 --> 00:25:06,820
Ugh! God, our lives suck.
636
00:25:06,821 --> 00:25:09,867
At least after this, our
community service is over.
637
00:25:09,868 --> 00:25:11,746
In the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
638
00:25:11,747 --> 00:25:14,114
"Big Fuckin' Bang!"
639
00:25:14,158 --> 00:25:15,368
- Hey!
- Hey!
640
00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:18,301
Hey!
641
00:25:18,302 --> 00:25:19,849
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you,
642
00:25:19,874 --> 00:25:22,127
- "Big Bang" piece of shit!
- I got news for you.
643
00:25:22,268 --> 00:25:24,271
Bazinga ruined Bazinga!
644
00:25:24,272 --> 00:25:26,400
♪ Oh ♪
645
00:25:26,401 --> 00:25:28,947
♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
646
00:25:28,948 --> 00:25:31,578
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
647
00:25:31,579 --> 00:25:35,251
♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪
648
00:25:36,672 --> 00:25:39,092
♪ Another way out ♪
649
00:25:39,093 --> 00:25:41,640
♪ Found on the way home ♪
650
00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:43,309
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
651
00:25:43,310 --> 00:25:45,564
♪ But you were living slow ♪
652
00:25:48,558 --> 00:25:53,558
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
45406
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