All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E09

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Mmm.

I know coming here was inconvenient,

but they really do have
the best cookies in the city.

Well, they better.

It couldn't be any more out of the way.

Hey, lady, keep 'em coming.

If you can find a vein, you can find

more high-glucose cookies
for your favorite volunteers.

Oh, "volunteer."
I'm not allowed to give blood...

because I'm gay!

So fucked up.

Everybody should be allowed
to give blood,

not just boring straight people.

Well, I actually think we can now,

as long as we haven't had sex
in the past year.

And then before that, the law was

as long as we haven't had sex
since 1978,

so you can be a crystal meth
addict and waltz in here,

and as long as you haven't eaten
ass in the past year,

it's blood-ahoy!

I hate this place,

and I hate this whole
homophobic country!

Sex before 1978
seems like it was very magical.

Well, we'd have to ask Truman Capote.

- Hmm.
- Oh, but at least

they have this week's
"Time Out New York."

The magazine for the loneliest
people in the world.

I think that magazine is left behind

more than actual suicide notes.

Oh, Shelley Long is going
into "Fiddler on the Roof"

on the 6th.

- That'll work out.
- Yeah, beautifully.

- Oh, and it's Fashion Week!
- Oh!

I better put my Crocs in the dishwasher.

Oh, listen to this: Christian Siriano

is debuting his new
clown-inspired couture

at a runway show,
and instead of using models,

he's using female comedians.

Hey, you should be in that show.

Yeah, I should be a fashion model.

Yeah. Oh, shit. I gotta go.

- I have my audition.
- What's it for?

It's to play an animated beaver

who teaches kids how to use
the toilet using song and dance.

Oh, I thought "Hannibal" was canceled.

Animation's great, though.

They never see your face,

so you may as well do something
humiliating,

as long as it's lucrative.

The good news is, this gig is union,

so I would get my insurance again.

That's the only reason I'm doing it.

It's 'cause my shoulder's still
fucked up.

I'm sorry, Billy. That sucks.

I'm falling apart.

I wasn't even that good to begin with.

Like "Scandal." Good-bye.

- Break a leg!
- Enjoy your cookies,

my little blood diamond.

- Ma'am.
- Now what do you want?

Can I have some milk?

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Hey, look, a line
of overdressed dumdums.

It's definitely Fashion Week.

Me-ow.

Who recast "Reservoir Dogs,"

and where do I send a thank-you note?

Oh, yeah, those are the Ten Tens.

- What?
- The Ten Tens.

It's that group of, like,
super-hot gay guys

that go to parties that become orgies

- and orgies that become parties.
- Seriously?

I'll bet nobody in there

has ever heard an episode of "Serial."

- Oh...
- Heaven!

- Jealous.
- We have to try to get in.

Should we do, "I left my purse
in the bathroom"?

I think we should do Donatella.

- Hey, Donatella!
- Donatella!

Why'd we want to go to this party again?

These people... ugh.

Somehow fashion people
are more superficial

- than entertainment people.
- Oh, and even meaner.

All you need to do is be rude
to the right person,

and suddenly, everybody wants
to be your best friend.

Watch this. Hey, bitch.

Are you too stupid to eat a sandwich

or too drunk to keep it down?

Hey, queen.

I am living for her.

Wow. That works.

Oh, my God. I am so fucked.

Now Tig dropped out. What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna go back
and tell Christian

we lost another lady comic?

I'm sorry, are you talking
about Christian Siriano?

- 'Cause I'm a lady comic.
- You are?

Yeah, of course she is, you coke straw.

This is Julie Kessler,

the comedian's comedian's comedian.

Oh, totally.

You have to do the show.
Okay, don't move.

I'm sending my assistant over
to get your info.

Ah! Oh, my God, Billy!

- Did I just become a model?
- Yeah, I think so.

You'll be falling asleep
listening to Leonardo DiCaprio

talk about the environment in no time.

Okay, now you try it on the Ten Tens.

It's your turn to be one
of the cool kids.

- Be really mean, okay?
- Okay. On my way.

- If I don't come back...
- I know. I know.

You're either high,
getting fucked, or dead.

- This ain't my first rodeo.
- Wow.

Didn't know they tested prep
on the cast of "Jersey Boys."

- Oh, fuck, my shoulder.
- Finish the story!

So it's 5:00 a. m.

Me and the Ten Tens end up
at Marc Jacobs'

"Good-bye Grindr" party,
and then all the sudden,

it turns into an orgy.

One guy tied up a bunch of
John Varvatos slacks

and turned it into a fuck swing.

You deserve to be part
of New York's seedy gay elite.

Thanks. I totally see why
we can't give blood now.

Oh, and one of the guys there
is gonna be the DJ

Christian Siriano fashion show.

You mean the fashion show

where I'll be making my modeling debut?

Oh, that reminds me,

Christian's coming over later
to measure me.

- Should I serve snacks?
- Maybe.

Hey, Matthew, what do twinks eat?

- Ass!
- Oh.

Oh, Julie, hold on.
I'm getting another call.

It's probably the audition.

Hold on. Hello?

Ma'am, are you choking?

You're not... I can't hear you.

You're sort of eating your words.

Are you choking?
Oh, my God, she's choking!

- Well, give her the Heimlich!
- I don't know how.

- You do it.
- Oh, God, don't look at me!

- I'm terrible in a crisis.
- Uh, the poster!

- Go to the poster!
- Uh...

Lay the victim on his back.

Of course they would assume
it was a man.

Forget that part.
Just tell me what's next.

Face the victim, and kneel
astride his hips.

Okay, is this astride?
Or, no, that's a side saddle.

Hey, did you know
we're entitled to paid vacation?

I want to see Belize.

Get off of me! I can't breathe.

Oh, my God! I got it!
I'm an animated beaver!

- Julie, I'm a beaver!
- Shut up, nobody cares!

We're saving lives here.

Ma'am, ma'am, are you okay?

Listen, dessert's on the house.

We don't have any cakes,

but I will spread jam
on anything you'd like.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Astride.

Oh, they should just call it
"Mary Martin pose."

Mom, remember that Columbian shape wear

you give me every year for Hanukah?

- And you refuse.
- And then you rewrap it

- and give it to me again?
- Yes, yes.

- I need it.
- Oh!

Well, let me see if I can find
this year's batch.

What's it for?

I'm going to be modeling

in Christian Siriano's fashion show.

- Seriously?
- Yes, yes.

A real fashion show? You?

I know, it's for Fashion Week
and everything.

- I'm so excited.
- Oh, my God.

Julie, this is huge.

I knew you'd be proud.

No, this waist shaper. It's huge.

Well, that's Siriano's problem.

Maybe the boning will help.

You know, I used to model.

- Lord and Taylor, 1978.
- Taylor, 1978.

I was a living model,
and even though my metabolism

skipped a generation, you now
get to wear haute couture!

- I'm happy that you're happy.
- Oh.

Are you getting sick?

Oh, no, I'm fine.
My throat's a little... I'm fine.

All right, you can not get sick.

You stay right there.

I'm gonna get you a Cipro.

I have a whole suitcase upstairs.

Let me see.

Oh, you feel fat.

- I meant warm.
- Did you?

Yes.

I'm keeping you tonight
because none of you guys

know the Heimlich Maneuver,
and we almost got sued.

So we have Marcy here to teach us CPR.

Hi, guys. Who here hates choking?

Oh, yeah, not for me.

One time, a guy asked me
to put a belt around his neck,

and I was like, "Slow your roll,
Al Pacino."

Well, I know all about
autoerotic asphyxiation.

I used to teach CPR
at the women's shelter,

so I've met my share of sex workers.

Fuck you, Marcy.

Just because I'm trans,
you think I'm a sex worker?

The closest I've come
to working the streets

is the summer I spent with
Greenpeace and a clipboard.

Oh. Okay.

Well, this is Choking Chucky.

Choking Chucky by day, maybe.

Kevin Spacey's pool boy by night.

Well, Chucky was enjoying
a nice taco salad

when a little piece of tortilla
went down the wrong pipe.

- Uh-oh!
- Uh-oh!

Okay, now let's save his life.

First, wrap your arms around his waist.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Did you realize no one can reach
around your waist?

One of the Ten Tens died.

They were doing a photo shoot
on a Ferris wheel

for David LaChapelle.

It was very windy.

They all fell off, and one of them died.

Oh, my God!

Now they want me to be
one of the Ten Tens, now...

- 'cause they're down to nine!
- But you're barely a two!

You know what, Matthew?
You make me think Matt Damon

was right when he told
gay actors to remain closeted.

- Are you guys paying attention?
- Are you?

Because we're being lied to
every day by our government,

and you know what else?

Steve Rannazzisi from "The League,"

he was in the World Trade Center
that day.

Don't believe everything you read.

- So like this?
- Oh, no, no.

Not like that, not like that.
Just get off him.

Okay, don't yell at me!

I'm just trying to do
what you said, Marcy!

This is my one free night.
I have to listen to Marcy?

- Get the fuck out of here, Marcy.
- Fuck you, Marcy.

We hate each other, but we all
agree that, "Fuck you."

Fuck you; get the fuck
out of here, Marcy.

There's the fucking door, Marcy.

- Yeah. Fuck you.
- Get the fuck out of here.

Such gender-privileged
women's shelter bullshit.

- Give it a rest.
- Yeah.

Take Choking Chucky,
and get back on the bus, Marcy.

Yeah. Bus is that way, and sit
in the back, by the way.

On the bus back to your cisgender,

transphobic women's shelter.

Fuck you!

Yeah, I'm one of the Ten Tens
now, bitch.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Marcy.

It's okay.

Thank you.

Push!

Oh, no.

Maybe I am getting sick.

Truman Capote?

Sex before 1978 was the living end.

Come walk us, Julie.

Forever...

and ever...

and ever.

Eyeshadow palette. Did you forget?

You have your fitting
for the fashion show.

Hi, I'm Christian Siriano.

Thank you so much for doing this, Julie.

Julie's not here, Mr. Siriano.

Boy, I'm so glad

my assistant ran into you at that party.

We've had so many comedians
and female Muppets drop out.

I can't tell you what a fan I am.

Oh, that's so sweet.

No, I literally can't tell you
'cause I don't know who you are.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Hmm. Lunch?

What is that? Like a yogurt sauce, or...

It's curried brook trout, actually.

Ugh, that smell will wake you up.

Arthur, uh, will you open
a window, please?

Sure thing, paint chip.

You have a lot of neck sweat going on.

Oh, thank you.

I hope you're not getting sick.

I already lost Whitney Cummings
to a nasty back rash.

Oh, no, no, I mixed Cipro

with high-glucose cookies
and diet pills.

Ah, the Evangelista. Mm-hmm.

- You're gonna have a fun night.
- We have to get you to bed now.

Uh-oh. Bedtime.

My boyfriend can't wait to fuck me.

I'm gonna be wearing Columbian
shape wear,

so cut those numbers in half, Chrissy!

Okay.

Now we're gonna mark this rehearsal.

- Any questions?
- Yeah.

So I wear the costume, and then
you animate over it, right?

You draw over the footage, like
in "Waking Life" or something?

No, this is live action now.

Didn't the casting director tell you

that we might be going live
instead because of budget?

Uh, no.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I'm really sorry.

I was doing it for the insurance,

and my shoulder's on fire,
but I can't be seen like this.

Relax.

They're making you a plastic foam head.

That's why they were
measuring you before!

It's just not ready yet.

Okay, but you promise no one will see

even a trace of my real face
in this, right?

Oddly enough, what Sylvester Stallone

told his plastic surgeon
before shooting "Creed."

Know what I mean, kids? "Creed"?

Do you like Stallone?

Major comeback. Hollywood, right?

They bring you up just to rip you down,

then they bring you right back up again.

You're very funny.

- You should be doing comedy.
- I know.

Anyway, action!

♪ You know what I like
even more than you? ♪

♪ Using the potty when I pee and poo ♪

♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe,
till you see the white ♪

- Come on, kids!
- Come on, Billy.

Shake that booty
like your diaper is full.

♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe,
till you see the white ♪

♪ What the hell happened to my life ♪

♪ Wipe, wipe, wipe,
till you see the white ♪

God, Julie, you are sick.

Here, I brought you some ginger ale.

All right, now let's find
the Hallmark Channel

so you can watch your "Cedar Cove."

"Cedar Cove" turns off the brain

so the body can heal.

Jules, how'd you get so sick?

I have no idea.

Tell me about work.

Well, I sang about using the toilet

to a bunch of children all day,

which I think means I'm now OT VII.

How'd they go from animation to live?

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, we learned when Scarlett Johansson

recorded an album of Tom Waits covers

that literally anything is possible.

- How are your new friends?
- They're good.

We went to the Prada party
and had another orgy,

but I feel like
I'm leading a double life.

On the one hand, I hang out with
these ten hot gay guys

who I've never said more than
two words to in my life,

and on the other hand,

I'm walking around in a diaper all day.

Billy, what if I'm too sick
to do the fashion show?

Oh, no.

You're gonna be a fashion model,

and I'm gonna be a famous baby beaver.

Dreams are coming true for us.

They just don't happen to be our dreams.

Billy, listen to me, okay?
This is important.

If I die, I want you to know

you're the only man in my life
that's ever been worth a shit.

Uh, Kleenex, I'm right here.

I've made you six soups from scratch.

Arthur, no soup! Soup stinks.

- "Cedar Cove."
- Yeah, soup stinks!

- "Cedar Cove."
- All right.

Julie, I gotta go
back to the cafe for a meeting.

Are you sure there isn't
anything I can do

to make you feel better?

Cold compress, or...

I could read you
one of Pauley Perrette's tweets.

Pauley, why did you block me?

Here we go. Here's one.

"Have unshakable image

"of real 8-year-old child I saw

"that had this tattooed on his forehead.

Never forget his face."

And then she sketches a little boy

that has a "666" on his head.

- "Cedar Cove."
- "Cedar Cove."

Arthur, I'm worried about
Julie under your care.

You know not to let her suck
on any lozenges

when she's laying down; she could choke!

Can this wait until the commercial?

I'm watching "The Real
Housewives of OC" reunion.

Well, Julie's father's right.

You are gay.

Marilyn, I'm not gay.

I'm trying to help Julie
while she's sick.

Well, sounds pretty gay to me.

And please continue watching television

while my only child is in there
suffering.

Julie is behind on her recaps,

and I don't want her to get fired.

I'm trying to write some on her behalf.

Don't you know that

this reality television's fake, Arthur?

It's stupid. It's vacuous... wait.

Why are they all yelling at
the one with no chin?

Her boyfriend faked cancer!

Oh, my God.

She deserves to be yelled at.

And if you ask me,
Vicki put Brooks up to it.

How many recaps have to be in
by tomorrow?

- Four.
- Never gonna happen

with just you. Move over.

All right.

And then the hooker with no education

pretended to cry
in front of her gay boyfriend.

You're a poet, Marilyn.

Well, Julie's job is very easy.

You know, we have been writing
recaps together all night.

We haven't fought once.
You can be a real treat.

Well, you can be a real
charmer when you're not drunk.

Joke's on you.

- I'm drunk right now.
- Oh!

Oh, Julie would be so happy to
see us getting along like this.

Julie's never happy, unless
she's got a mouthful of cake

- and something to complain about.
- Do you know,

she once told me
my socks were too noisy.

You know what she said to me?
I was a withholding narcissist.

Oh, well, we should go check on her.

I hate to say it,
but I think she's too sick

to go to the fashion show.

Oh, it's gonna break my heart
to tell her.

Ooh!

"Vanderpump Rules" is back on.

- Twist my arm.
- Okay.

Future generations will rename
STDs "Jax" and "Stassi."

Zing!

Uh, where's the rest of it?

There's a giant hole for my face.

- You can totally see me.
- This is it!

Jenny McCarthy
and Have a Hunch Foundation

weighed in yesterday.

Apparently it's important
for ages 0 to 2

to see the face of the character
they are interacting with

so that they can learn
to read facial expressions.

No way I am showing my face
on this show.

I said it since the beginning.

It's literally my one condition.

You think you're too cool for this?

You think one of your cool
friends is gonna see you

hopping around like a big baby beaver,

and they're gonna say,
"Billy is not cool"?

Yes, that is exactly
what I am afraid of.

Well, you are the one

who keeps bitching
about health insurance.

Do you want this gig or not?

Okay.

Okay.

Having a tough day out there?

Yeah.

- Want a taquito?
- No, thank you.

I just... this is the first time
in my life

I'm one of the cool guys,
and now I'm gonna be what?

A cool guy with a bad shoulder
and no health insurance?

I wish Julie was here.

She'd tell me what to do.

Julie, huh?

Does Julie have a big pussy?

'Cause I like it when the
roast beef goes past the bread.

Last looks, models. Last looks.

Come on, guys. We got five minutes.

Rita Rudner to the stage,
Rita Rudner to the stage.

Wait, we're missing one.

Where's the redhead
with the sweaty neck?

I thought Louie was unavailable,

so you decided to do all women?

No, the other one that no one knows.

I'm so very sorry I'm late.

I had the "uh-uhs" in
a Dunkin' Donuts ladies' room.

Oof...

But now I'm here!

You're queer!

Now let's wear some clothes!

Is there a... a toilet?

Marilyn, you dozed off during
"Manzo'd with Children."

Dozed off? Girl, please.

My body just shut down to protect me

from the combined stupidity
of Chris and Albie.

That's good.

Noodles, I brought you some dry toa...

- She's gone.
- What?

Arthur, how could you let her leave?

- You were here too!
- I know.

But I've been lightheaded ever
since I went down a dress size.

Why do I keep forgetting to eat?

- Hello, Billy?
- Hey Arthur.

I went to check on Julie,
and she wasn't there.

Give me the phone.

Marilyn, I can handle it.

No, you can't. Give it to me.

Julie's gone, and it's Arthur's fault.

Okay. I bet she went
to the Siriano show.

I know where it is. I'll meet you there.

Hey, baby boom boom! Where you going?

You cannot leave in your costume!

He's probably going to meet his friend.

I think she's got a big snatch. Huge.

Comedian Judy Gold.

What are you waiting for?

Go, go, go, go, go. Come on.

Oh, my God.

She's choking
on that fucking cough drop.

Oh... Just like Carrie Bradshaw.

Not like Carrie Bradshaw.

Oh...

Good-bye, Ten Tens.

Julie, don't worry!

Choking Chucky showed me what to do!

Oh!

- Billy, you're a beaver!
- Yeah.

And you seem to have uncorked
the bottle, old friend.

Oh, use my diaper. Use my diaper.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's g... ow! Ow! Ow! My shoulder.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

Are you okay?

I'm a pretty girl, Mama.

Yes, you are.

"Clown Whore Pukes On Gay Beaver."

Which one am I?

I'm sorry you don't have
health insurance.

Me, too, but hey.

At least when I picked you up,

it weirdly snapped my shoulder
back into place.

- That's awesome!
- I know.

- But you're still fired, right?
- Oh, yeah.

They decided they actually
didn't want to debut the costume

in a photo where someone's
puking on my dick.

You know, I heard that's why
they got rid of

- the original Captain Kangaroo.
- Yep.

And you're not still
part of the Ten Tens?

Oh, no way. Who am I kidding?

I had no business being one of
the cool guys anyway.

And I have to admit,

I'm a little bummed
that I puked all over my chances

to be the pretty girl
in the cute clothes,

but the bright side is I'm still
pretty hot for a recapper.

How did you get your stuff in on time?

Oh, Arthur wrote most of them
with my mom,

and then they turned in one
I wrote while I was sick.

It was just the words "Cedar Cove"

over and over again, but it
never affected my page views.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah.

Hey, I've got a hankering

for four times the glucose
of a regular cookie.

Let's find that bloodmobile

and trick them into taking your blood.

We could tell them that you're a virgin.

- Or straight!
- Ooh, like...

Kevin Spacey!

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