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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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Ah, Stonewall.
2
00:00:02,581 --> 00:00:03,647
Judy Garland died.
3
00:00:03,649 --> 00:00:05,415
The cops raided the place.
4
00:00:05,417 --> 00:00:07,284
Gays, trans people, and drag queens
5
00:00:07,286 --> 00:00:08,552
were in no mood to be fucked with
6
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and began to riot.
7
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And thanks to their sacrifice,
8
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I am now free to be out, proud,
9
00:00:13,325 --> 00:00:16,426
and know at any given moment
where all the power bottoms are
10
00:00:16,428 --> 00:00:18,128
within a five-mile radius.
11
00:00:18,130 --> 00:00:20,730
Could you imagine waiting till
Coming Out Day to come out,
12
00:00:20,732 --> 00:00:22,532
even if you've known all year?
13
00:00:22,534 --> 00:00:24,068
I should really be true to myself,
14
00:00:24,070 --> 00:00:26,771
but I'll wait till October.
15
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Whoa.
16
00:00:29,108 --> 00:00:30,140
Yeah, keep walking.
17
00:00:30,142 --> 00:00:31,575
You wish you could have him.
18
00:00:31,577 --> 00:00:33,310
I hate Coming Out Day.
19
00:00:33,312 --> 00:00:35,112
It's hard enough for me to
get gay guys to notice me.
20
00:00:35,114 --> 00:00:37,547
Now I have to deal with a
whole new graduating class.
21
00:00:37,549 --> 00:00:39,249
Is the top of that class always a top?
22
00:00:39,251 --> 00:00:41,651
And the competition around
Coming Out Day is insane.
23
00:00:41,653 --> 00:00:43,253
Everyone's always looking to trade up
24
00:00:43,255 --> 00:00:44,321
for one of the new ones.
25
00:00:44,323 --> 00:00:45,856
Gay guys are like iPhones.
26
00:00:45,858 --> 00:00:47,624
Yeah, you can't take
'em into the bathtub,
27
00:00:47,626 --> 00:00:49,026
but you do because you're bored.
28
00:00:49,028 --> 00:00:50,594
Oh, hey, whatever happened with that
29
00:00:50,596 --> 00:00:51,896
"Ladies Who Love to Laugh" festival?
30
00:00:51,898 --> 00:00:53,497
- They redacted me.
- What the fuck?
31
00:00:53,499 --> 00:00:54,631
I know.
32
00:00:54,633 --> 00:00:55,866
I'm not a girls' girl?
33
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:57,101
Fuck those cunts.
34
00:00:57,103 --> 00:00:59,103
Oh, Coming Out Day celebrant at 12:00.
35
00:00:59,105 --> 00:01:01,939
I was so nervous. Thanks
for understanding.
36
00:01:01,941 --> 00:01:03,073
Oh, my God.
37
00:01:03,075 --> 00:01:04,909
That kid just came out to his father.
38
00:01:04,911 --> 00:01:07,177
I love you, Daddy.
39
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Different kind of daddy.
40
00:01:11,784 --> 00:01:16,053
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
41
00:01:16,055 --> 00:01:18,322
So you're saying your
roommate Pepper is...
42
00:01:18,324 --> 00:01:21,558
My girlfriend, yeah.
43
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:22,760
We had no idea.
44
00:01:22,762 --> 00:01:23,894
No idea?
45
00:01:23,896 --> 00:01:25,495
Thumb ring, asymmetrical haircut,
46
00:01:25,497 --> 00:01:27,164
Fun Home sweatshirt,
47
00:01:27,166 --> 00:01:28,498
didn't raise any red flags?
48
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:30,100
Interesting.
49
00:01:30,102 --> 00:01:32,536
I'll be right back with
your change, Lea DeLaria.
50
00:01:32,538 --> 00:01:34,304
Hey, guys, Nate said
that I can leave early
51
00:01:34,306 --> 00:01:35,973
if one of you can take my shift.
52
00:01:35,975 --> 00:01:37,407
Guys? Really?
53
00:01:37,409 --> 00:01:38,708
No, no, no. That's not what I meant.
54
00:01:38,710 --> 00:01:40,044
You know what I meant.
55
00:01:40,046 --> 00:01:41,746
Listen to me, you entitled fucko,
56
00:01:41,748 --> 00:01:43,480
with one comment on
Candis Cayne'e Instagram,
57
00:01:43,482 --> 00:01:45,215
I can bring you down faster
than the second tower
58
00:01:45,217 --> 00:01:46,716
on Dick Cheney's command.
59
00:01:46,718 --> 00:01:48,618
Please don't ruin my
life with a hashtag.
60
00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:49,787
I was just saying I...
61
00:01:49,789 --> 00:01:51,989
Check your privilege, faggot.
62
00:01:51,991 --> 00:01:53,758
And I can say that because I was one.
63
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,159
No, I just saying,
64
00:01:55,161 --> 00:01:56,827
I have a party to go
to in Hoboken tonight,
65
00:01:56,829 --> 00:01:58,295
and I know it's going
to be a late night.
66
00:01:58,297 --> 00:01:59,864
Here you go.
67
00:01:59,866 --> 00:02:01,698
Coming Out Day customers
never turn over their tables
68
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,801
because of stupid
emotion-related loitering.
69
00:02:03,803 --> 00:02:05,569
God, is it Coming Out Day already?
70
00:02:05,571 --> 00:02:06,871
I can't believe it's been a whole year
71
00:02:06,873 --> 00:02:08,605
since I came out out of the closet.
72
00:02:08,607 --> 00:02:10,007
- I'm sorry.
- What?
73
00:02:10,009 --> 00:02:12,309
Oh, yeah; I came out one year ago today.
74
00:02:12,311 --> 00:02:14,912
Packed my bindle, slipped on
a pair of dungaree shorts,
75
00:02:14,914 --> 00:02:16,513
told me wife Trish I was gay,
76
00:02:16,515 --> 00:02:18,949
and hitched a ride to New York City.
77
00:02:18,951 --> 00:02:21,653
Concrete jungle, where
dreams are made of.
78
00:02:22,889 --> 00:02:25,555
Sometimes I still think of Trish.
79
00:02:25,557 --> 00:02:27,257
Wait, what kind of party's in Hoboken,
80
00:02:27,259 --> 00:02:28,425
and why wasn't I invited?
81
00:02:28,427 --> 00:02:29,860
Oh, I think I know.
82
00:02:29,862 --> 00:02:32,729
It starts with a "Tr"
and ends with an "Ans."
83
00:02:32,731 --> 00:02:34,298
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, don't tell me.
84
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:35,933
I love these word jumbles.
85
00:02:35,935 --> 00:02:38,368
Um... oh, God, Tricia's always
so much better at these.
86
00:02:38,370 --> 00:02:41,071
Oh, trap cans. True pans.
87
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,973
Um, Toratio Sans!
88
00:02:42,975 --> 00:02:44,875
God, if Tricia was here,
she'd have got it like that.
89
00:02:44,877 --> 00:02:47,812
She's so smart. I should call her.
90
00:02:47,814 --> 00:02:49,446
Should I call her? I can call her.
91
00:02:49,448 --> 00:02:51,648
I can't. Ah!
92
00:02:51,650 --> 00:02:54,184
There's no rules for this sort of thing.
93
00:02:54,186 --> 00:02:55,319
Mm.
94
00:02:55,321 --> 00:02:56,921
You know, I'm gonna call her.
95
00:02:56,923 --> 00:02:58,956
So what's this party in Hoboken?
96
00:02:58,958 --> 00:03:01,225
I'm going to the grand opening
of Kevin Smith's Jorts Emporium.
97
00:03:01,227 --> 00:03:03,961
He's relaunching Bugle Boy jeans
with his own unique denim.
98
00:03:03,963 --> 00:03:05,930
It's all awful. I have to go.
99
00:03:05,932 --> 00:03:07,464
Well, you're gonna have to
find someone from the outside
100
00:03:07,466 --> 00:03:09,834
to cover you, because unlike 9/11,
101
00:03:09,836 --> 00:03:11,902
this is not an inside job.
102
00:03:11,904 --> 00:03:14,841
Trish says it's "trains."
103
00:03:16,742 --> 00:03:18,075
I'm waiting for you to thank me
104
00:03:18,077 --> 00:03:19,443
for the haircut you're about to get.
105
00:03:19,445 --> 00:03:21,145
Dear Mom, who art in heaven,
106
00:03:21,147 --> 00:03:24,381
thank you for this free student
haircut I am about to receive.
107
00:03:24,383 --> 00:03:26,416
I had to pay for parking.
108
00:03:26,418 --> 00:03:28,185
Oh, look, Julie.
109
00:03:28,187 --> 00:03:29,987
Oh, honey, we're the only
mother/daughter duo here.
110
00:03:29,989 --> 00:03:32,589
It's all girls and best
friends their age.
111
00:03:32,591 --> 00:03:34,759
Why can't girls my age like me?
112
00:03:34,761 --> 00:03:36,894
I like animals. I eat cupcakes.
113
00:03:36,896 --> 00:03:39,797
In the right lighting I kind
of look like Amy Schumer.
114
00:03:39,799 --> 00:03:42,466
Julie, don't appear
desperate to make friends.
115
00:03:42,468 --> 00:03:44,134
You'll attract sickos.
116
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:47,604
I'm working with this woman who
lost her daughter to a cult.
117
00:03:47,606 --> 00:03:49,239
You know what you're doing, right?
118
00:03:51,010 --> 00:03:52,910
Well, you get what you pay for.
119
00:03:52,912 --> 00:03:55,179
Now I'm gonna have to
buy a hat, God damn it.
120
00:03:55,181 --> 00:03:56,646
I hate hats.
121
00:03:56,648 --> 00:03:58,082
I always want to look
like Elaine Stritch,
122
00:03:58,084 --> 00:04:00,517
but instead I look like an orthodox Jew.
123
00:04:00,519 --> 00:04:02,853
And this perm makes me
look like Melanie Griffith
124
00:04:02,855 --> 00:04:05,289
from the first hour of "Working Girl."
125
00:04:05,291 --> 00:04:07,524
"I got a head for business,
126
00:04:07,526 --> 00:04:10,627
and a bod for Cinnabons."
127
00:04:12,564 --> 00:04:13,864
Wait a minute.
128
00:04:13,866 --> 00:04:15,365
Grace Kelly has a brunette sister.
129
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:17,267
Nice.
130
00:04:17,269 --> 00:04:19,036
Even in crisis I maintain.
131
00:04:21,407 --> 00:04:22,672
Oh, shit.
132
00:04:22,674 --> 00:04:24,108
Did I forget your birthday again?
133
00:04:24,110 --> 00:04:26,944
Yes, last month, but this is for work.
134
00:04:26,946 --> 00:04:28,478
Wiffle bat, did your hair expand?
135
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,114
Yeah, I got a perm.
136
00:04:30,116 --> 00:04:32,549
I know, I look like little
orphan "Weird Al" Yankovic.
137
00:04:32,551 --> 00:04:33,717
Ooh, cake.
138
00:04:33,719 --> 00:04:35,252
Yeah, well, guess what.
139
00:04:35,254 --> 00:04:37,054
They decided that I would
be the perfect person
140
00:04:37,056 --> 00:04:39,456
to be put in charge of birthday party...
141
00:04:39,458 --> 00:04:40,891
oh, no; oh, okay.
142
00:04:40,893 --> 00:04:42,626
Well, I can just get a
new one on the way in.
143
00:04:42,628 --> 00:04:44,594
Well, what's done is done.
144
00:04:44,596 --> 00:04:45,963
I've been put in charge
145
00:04:45,965 --> 00:04:47,397
of the office birthday
parties this month,
146
00:04:47,399 --> 00:04:48,766
which means that I'm
the new PBS Joy Boy.
147
00:04:48,768 --> 00:04:51,168
Oh, my God. Congratulations.
148
00:04:51,170 --> 00:04:53,103
- This is a lot of stuff.
- I know.
149
00:04:53,105 --> 00:04:54,704
I was surprised when I
saw the party budget.
150
00:04:54,706 --> 00:04:57,274
PBS takes celebrations seriously.
151
00:04:57,276 --> 00:04:58,642
And if this party goes well,
152
00:04:58,644 --> 00:05:00,044
it might just be my chance
153
00:05:00,046 --> 00:05:01,611
to sit at the Selfridge table for once.
154
00:05:01,613 --> 00:05:03,180
What's the Selfridge table?
155
00:05:03,182 --> 00:05:04,414
The cool kids at work,
156
00:05:04,416 --> 00:05:06,216
they all work on "Mr. Selfridge."
157
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:08,618
Oh, right, the show that
asks the pressing question
158
00:05:08,620 --> 00:05:12,022
"What if Jeremy Piven worked in
a department store in 1910?"
159
00:05:12,024 --> 00:05:13,690
So far the answer is "not much,"
160
00:05:13,692 --> 00:05:16,193
but if I am superlative Joy Boy,
161
00:05:16,195 --> 00:05:19,063
then I might just get a
selfie with the Selfries.
162
00:05:19,065 --> 00:05:20,197
Right.
163
00:05:20,199 --> 00:05:22,632
Well, can you please walk the dogs?
164
00:05:22,634 --> 00:05:24,701
I have to put my face on and change.
165
00:05:24,703 --> 00:05:26,336
It's after 7:00 p. m.
166
00:05:26,338 --> 00:05:28,338
By this time you're usually
in your eating shirt,
167
00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:30,040
winding down.
168
00:05:30,042 --> 00:05:31,541
I know, but Billy and I are
going to that Kevin Smith
169
00:05:31,543 --> 00:05:33,110
party in Hoboken, remember?
170
00:05:33,112 --> 00:05:34,945
Ah, you really will go out of your way
171
00:05:34,947 --> 00:05:36,513
to do something ironically.
172
00:05:36,515 --> 00:05:37,614
What can I say?
173
00:05:37,616 --> 00:05:39,183
I really hate Kevin Smith.
174
00:05:39,185 --> 00:05:41,485
Well, we're on the
right block of the party,
175
00:05:41,487 --> 00:05:42,920
but we're three hours early.
176
00:05:42,922 --> 00:05:44,288
Well, how the hell are
we supposed to know
177
00:05:44,290 --> 00:05:46,190
that the PATH train took ten minutes?
178
00:05:46,192 --> 00:05:47,992
Well, we'd know if we ever
looked at the Hudson,
179
00:05:47,994 --> 00:05:49,093
but that would just trigger memories
180
00:05:49,095 --> 00:05:50,660
of Sully Sullenberger's wife
181
00:05:50,662 --> 00:05:52,629
saying they like to have hero sex.
182
00:05:52,631 --> 00:05:54,031
Look at this place, though.
183
00:05:54,033 --> 00:05:55,665
It's like a foreign country.
184
00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:58,435
I know. Industrial tubing.
185
00:05:58,437 --> 00:06:00,070
Olives in bulk.
186
00:06:00,072 --> 00:06:02,239
Helium tanks? Only in New Jersey.
187
00:06:02,241 --> 00:06:05,109
- Only in New Jersey!
- Hey, fuhgettaboutit!
188
00:06:05,111 --> 00:06:07,611
- Whatsamatta you!
- Oh, hey!
189
00:06:07,613 --> 00:06:10,680
Marinara.
190
00:06:12,318 --> 00:06:14,251
Wow, we've been in Hoboken,
what, ten minutes?
191
00:06:14,253 --> 00:06:16,120
We've already seen, like, 25
pictures of Frank Sinatra.
192
00:06:16,122 --> 00:06:18,322
I feel like at least
15 were Ronan Farrow.
193
00:06:18,324 --> 00:06:20,624
Hey, lady, try this soppressata.
194
00:06:20,626 --> 00:06:22,126
Hey, I'm no lady.
195
00:06:22,128 --> 00:06:23,627
But I never say no to
free meat in my mouth.
196
00:06:25,631 --> 00:06:27,431
- Atta girl.
- Meat in your mouth.
197
00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:28,532
That was good.
198
00:06:28,534 --> 00:06:30,167
"Get this meat out of my mouth."
199
00:06:30,169 --> 00:06:32,369
And other things John
Travolta's never said.
200
00:06:35,141 --> 00:06:37,707
Wow, your "meat in your mouth"
material is really killing here.
201
00:06:37,709 --> 00:06:41,378
Not since gays with a GED
discovered Whitney Cummings.
202
00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:43,347
You're a riot.
203
00:06:43,349 --> 00:06:45,315
Yeah, you say what we want to think.
204
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,316
Oh, thanks.
205
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:48,085
You're so nice,
206
00:06:48,087 --> 00:06:49,553
'cause usually I feel like
other girls don't get me.
207
00:06:49,555 --> 00:06:51,121
- Fuck those cunts.
- Yeah.
208
00:06:51,123 --> 00:06:52,823
That's what I say.
209
00:06:52,825 --> 00:06:54,258
I'm Julie. This is my friend Billy.
210
00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:55,525
- Hey.
- Hi.
211
00:06:55,527 --> 00:06:57,627
I'm Joni. This is Rizzo.
212
00:06:57,629 --> 00:06:59,229
And Therese. What are you guys up to?
213
00:06:59,231 --> 00:07:01,832
Oh, we're just killing
time before a bad party.
214
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:03,801
Yeah, well, come to a gay
bar down the street.
215
00:07:03,803 --> 00:07:05,469
We're meeting my fag brother.
216
00:07:05,471 --> 00:07:07,004
She can say it because he is.
217
00:07:07,006 --> 00:07:09,206
Wow, a gay bar in Jersey
on Coming Out Day?
218
00:07:09,208 --> 00:07:11,608
Finally a world Anthony
Bourdain hasn't explored.
219
00:07:11,610 --> 00:07:13,510
To our knowledge.
220
00:07:17,850 --> 00:07:19,416
Well, there you have it.
221
00:07:19,418 --> 00:07:22,152
New York or New Jersey, I
am invisible in gay bars.
222
00:07:22,154 --> 00:07:24,554
Hey, "Grease Live," pay
attention to my friend.
223
00:07:24,556 --> 00:07:28,525
Could we get the Coming Out
Day drink special, I guess?
224
00:07:28,527 --> 00:07:31,128
The two-for-one is only for
people who just came out.
225
00:07:31,130 --> 00:07:33,030
- Did you just come out?
- Me?
226
00:07:33,032 --> 00:07:35,465
Yeah, I just came out today.
227
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:38,535
Hey, welcome to the tribe.
228
00:07:38,537 --> 00:07:41,205
This round's on me.
229
00:07:41,207 --> 00:07:43,573
Thank you.
230
00:07:43,575 --> 00:07:45,442
Holy shit, did you see that?
231
00:07:45,444 --> 00:07:47,177
Yeah, I didn't know Diesel
still made that wash of denim.
232
00:07:47,179 --> 00:07:49,379
No, Julie, don't you understand?
233
00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:50,680
Nobody knows us here.
234
00:07:50,682 --> 00:07:52,049
I could pretend that I just came out,
235
00:07:52,051 --> 00:07:53,818
and then guys who are
way out of my league
236
00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:54,852
would start paying attention to me.
237
00:07:54,854 --> 00:07:57,123
So what are you waiting for?
238
00:08:01,861 --> 00:08:04,094
Um, everyone.
239
00:08:04,096 --> 00:08:05,996
Uh, sorry to bother you,
240
00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:08,098
I just wanted to make an announcement.
241
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:10,600
Um, my name's Billy,
242
00:08:10,602 --> 00:08:12,569
and...
243
00:08:12,571 --> 00:08:14,504
I just came out of the closet.
244
00:08:18,110 --> 00:08:20,210
Oh, and, um, furthermore,
245
00:08:20,212 --> 00:08:23,313
this is my wife.
246
00:08:23,315 --> 00:08:25,783
And...
247
00:08:25,785 --> 00:08:27,219
I'm gonna leave her.
248
00:08:30,156 --> 00:08:32,456
But I'm okay with it!
249
00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:35,459
Oh, your friend is so brave.
250
00:08:35,461 --> 00:08:37,928
I think my brother Joey
likes your friend.
251
00:08:37,930 --> 00:08:40,264
- That's your brother?
- Yeah.
252
00:08:40,266 --> 00:08:41,598
Hey.
253
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,834
So by now I have no
idea what's going on.
254
00:08:43,836 --> 00:08:45,202
There's cocaine everywhere,
255
00:08:45,204 --> 00:08:46,736
his dick's in the cookie dough,
256
00:08:46,738 --> 00:08:48,138
I don't know where my mother is,
257
00:08:48,140 --> 00:08:49,606
so I say to the dogs,
258
00:08:49,608 --> 00:08:50,941
the joke's on you:
259
00:08:50,943 --> 00:08:52,777
I don't have an asshole.
260
00:08:54,146 --> 00:08:55,545
Ow!
261
00:08:55,547 --> 00:08:58,883
Julie, you are a character.
262
00:08:58,885 --> 00:09:01,886
Nobody's funnier than Italian girls.
263
00:09:01,888 --> 00:09:04,521
Nobody is funnier than Italian girls.
264
00:09:04,523 --> 00:09:05,990
Like me.
265
00:09:05,992 --> 00:09:07,257
Hey, Billy.
266
00:09:07,259 --> 00:09:08,658
This round's on me. Come on.
267
00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:09,794
No, no, no, no, no.
268
00:09:09,796 --> 00:09:11,561
This one's on me.
269
00:09:11,563 --> 00:09:13,864
Awww.
270
00:09:13,866 --> 00:09:15,534
We love New Jersey!
271
00:09:18,603 --> 00:09:20,035
Is it just me,
272
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:21,035
or did we have a great time
273
00:09:21,037 --> 00:09:22,368
in New Jersey last night?
274
00:09:22,370 --> 00:09:24,204
I know.
275
00:09:24,206 --> 00:09:25,605
Girls who don't work at
Sephora were talking to me.
276
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:26,907
All I had to do last night
277
00:09:26,909 --> 00:09:28,341
was show up straight and leave gay.
278
00:09:28,343 --> 00:09:29,976
And a guy who would have
ignored me asked me out.
279
00:09:29,978 --> 00:09:31,611
I've never been with a guy that hot.
280
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:32,813
Should we go back tonight?
281
00:09:32,815 --> 00:09:33,847
Yeah, I want to go back tonight.
282
00:09:33,849 --> 00:09:34,848
I'll see you later.
283
00:09:34,850 --> 00:09:36,282
Great, bye.
284
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,984
Noodles.
285
00:09:37,986 --> 00:09:40,320
If I liked music, right about
now I'd be singing the blues.
286
00:09:40,322 --> 00:09:41,822
Oh, did the Selfridge boys
287
00:09:41,824 --> 00:09:43,757
not appreciate the party you threw?
288
00:09:43,759 --> 00:09:45,591
They barely noticed.
289
00:09:45,593 --> 00:09:47,928
And I spared no expense.
290
00:09:47,930 --> 00:09:49,763
Isabel was so moved
she cried real tears,
291
00:09:49,765 --> 00:09:52,833
which she hasn't been able to do
since the Challenger exploded.
292
00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:54,768
Well, it sounds like it went okay.
293
00:09:54,770 --> 00:09:58,171
Yeah, but the birthday budget I
thought was for Isabel's party
294
00:09:58,173 --> 00:10:00,040
turned out to be for the entire year.
295
00:10:00,042 --> 00:10:03,043
Oh, babe, fuhgettaboutit.
296
00:10:03,045 --> 00:10:05,078
I cannot forget about it.
297
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,546
I have no money to spend,
298
00:10:06,548 --> 00:10:07,580
I'm still not popular,
299
00:10:07,582 --> 00:10:08,949
and tomorrow is Gabby's birthday.
300
00:10:08,951 --> 00:10:10,183
What am I supposed to do?
301
00:10:10,185 --> 00:10:11,885
Aw, babe...
302
00:10:11,887 --> 00:10:13,386
What the fuck is this?
303
00:10:13,388 --> 00:10:15,355
Lenny asked if we could
store the helium tank
304
00:10:15,357 --> 00:10:17,157
for this kid's party tomorrow.
305
00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:18,591
Who's Lenny?
306
00:10:18,593 --> 00:10:19,826
It's our neighbor across the hall.
307
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:20,827
He hate him; you hate his kid.
308
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,262
Oh, right; that kid that talks
309
00:10:22,264 --> 00:10:23,496
to the dogs when I'm walking them,
310
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:25,198
and the dad that just stands there
311
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,767
because he assumes because I like dogs
312
00:10:26,769 --> 00:10:28,601
I also think kids are cute.
313
00:10:28,603 --> 00:10:30,170
Fuckin' assholes.
314
00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:32,906
Anyway, his kid's having
a birthday party.
315
00:10:32,908 --> 00:10:35,308
If you need me, I'll be
here in my misery chair.
316
00:10:35,310 --> 00:10:37,043
Wait a minute, those girls last night
317
00:10:37,045 --> 00:10:38,711
were talking about this.
318
00:10:38,713 --> 00:10:41,114
When your man's upset,
you make him a plate,
319
00:10:41,116 --> 00:10:43,884
and you can't do that, you...
320
00:10:43,886 --> 00:10:46,119
Oh, shit, what's that called?
321
00:10:46,121 --> 00:10:47,420
You help him.
322
00:10:47,422 --> 00:10:49,389
So, Lenny, what do you think?
323
00:10:49,391 --> 00:10:52,192
I guess there's more room in
your office conference room
324
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:53,393
for a birthday party,
325
00:10:53,395 --> 00:10:56,129
but it's Newton's decision.
326
00:10:56,131 --> 00:10:57,663
Where's your dogs?
327
00:10:57,665 --> 00:11:00,901
The dogs are sleeping
next to the helium tank
328
00:11:00,903 --> 00:11:02,235
that your daddy rented.
329
00:11:02,237 --> 00:11:03,736
Was that from Hoboken, by the way?
330
00:11:03,738 --> 00:11:05,005
Because we passed a place.
331
00:11:05,007 --> 00:11:06,139
- It is, yeah.
- Okay, cool.
332
00:11:06,141 --> 00:11:07,841
Can I get a batting cage?
333
00:11:07,843 --> 00:11:10,476
We'll see what we can do
with Jim Lehrer's cubicle.
334
00:11:10,478 --> 00:11:12,078
And we can bring the
clown that I paid for?
335
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,914
- Of course.
- Yes.
336
00:11:13,916 --> 00:11:15,448
Yes?
337
00:11:15,450 --> 00:11:16,649
Hey!
338
00:11:16,651 --> 00:11:18,118
All right, we'll see you tomorrow.
339
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,753
All right, great, can't wait!
340
00:11:19,755 --> 00:11:21,421
Thank you! Thanks, Lenny.
341
00:11:21,423 --> 00:11:23,656
Thanks, Newton.
342
00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:26,259
God, I still hate that fuckin' kid.
343
00:11:26,261 --> 00:11:28,061
So listen, this is great.
344
00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:29,930
You don't need to worry about
the cost of party decorations
345
00:11:29,932 --> 00:11:30,931
or cake or anything else.
346
00:11:30,933 --> 00:11:31,932
Aww.
347
00:11:31,934 --> 00:11:33,333
You're helping me.
348
00:11:33,335 --> 00:11:34,534
Please don't ruin a moment
349
00:11:34,536 --> 00:11:35,701
by acknowledging it.
350
00:11:35,703 --> 00:11:37,270
But how do we explain this to Gabby?
351
00:11:37,272 --> 00:11:38,805
Well, Gabby seems like
one of those women
352
00:11:38,807 --> 00:11:39,940
that likes children,
353
00:11:39,942 --> 00:11:41,674
at least that's how she dresses.
354
00:11:41,676 --> 00:11:44,377
Just tell her it's like a
puppy party but with kids.
355
00:11:44,379 --> 00:11:46,112
What's a puppy party?
356
00:11:46,114 --> 00:11:47,848
It's when you pay for somebody
to bring over cute things
357
00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:50,083
for you to play with,
but you don't fuck 'em.
358
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,952
Oh.
359
00:11:53,789 --> 00:11:55,956
Hey, Billy, thanks for
coming back to Jersey.
360
00:11:55,958 --> 00:11:57,590
So tell me about yourself.
361
00:11:57,592 --> 00:12:00,961
Well, uh, you know I've
been straight for 35 years,
362
00:12:00,963 --> 00:12:03,663
so I do straight guy things.
363
00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:05,198
I mow the lawn.
364
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,732
I have a man cave.
365
00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:09,735
I really like that song
"Hotel California."
366
00:12:09,737 --> 00:12:11,337
Wow.
367
00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:13,373
You must be completely oblivious
about the gay culture.
368
00:12:13,375 --> 00:12:14,875
I mean, you do realize that
369
00:12:14,877 --> 00:12:16,676
gay men have way more in common
370
00:12:16,678 --> 00:12:18,979
than just wanting to have
sex with each other, right?
371
00:12:18,981 --> 00:12:20,580
- Do we?
- Absolutely.
372
00:12:20,582 --> 00:12:23,149
This is an amazing opportunity
for me to take you
373
00:12:23,151 --> 00:12:24,885
through Gay 101.
374
00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:26,319
- Is it?
- Oh, yeah.
375
00:12:26,321 --> 00:12:28,789
Buckle up for an extremely detailed tour
376
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,623
of LGBLT history,
377
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:34,160
from the ancient Greeks all
the way to "Scream Queens."
378
00:12:34,162 --> 00:12:36,329
Yeah, uh, Joey, please.
379
00:12:36,331 --> 00:12:37,732
I don't know if we...
380
00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:44,137
That's better.
381
00:12:44,139 --> 00:12:45,371
Yeah, I was gonna say,
382
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:47,207
"Please tell me about the heritage
383
00:12:47,209 --> 00:12:50,643
our queer brothers and sisters."
384
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,178
Look at these.
385
00:12:52,180 --> 00:12:53,780
These are pride rings.
386
00:12:53,782 --> 00:12:55,415
Really cool gay guys wear those.
387
00:12:55,417 --> 00:12:57,350
Yeah, they definitely look really cool.
388
00:12:57,352 --> 00:12:59,319
You can pretty much
wear anything rainbow.
389
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:01,187
Oh, and Madonna: we're
not into her anymore.
390
00:13:01,189 --> 00:13:02,657
It's all about Demi Lovato.
391
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,093
Hey, Joey.
392
00:13:07,095 --> 00:13:08,995
Hey, I really appreciate
this guided tour
393
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:11,164
through my new life as a homosexual,
394
00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:13,934
but can't we just go back to your place?
395
00:13:13,936 --> 00:13:15,301
Not before I give you this book.
396
00:13:15,303 --> 00:13:17,603
Not many people know
this about Stonewall.
397
00:13:17,605 --> 00:13:20,907
The riots happened right
after Princess Diana died,
398
00:13:20,909 --> 00:13:22,210
so the gays were in no mood...
399
00:13:25,113 --> 00:13:26,646
Billy.
400
00:13:26,648 --> 00:13:27,513
Let me be honest.
401
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,515
I am super attracted to you.
402
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,217
I mean, this morning I was
jerking off in the shower
403
00:13:31,219 --> 00:13:34,454
thinking about you being
straight so recently,
404
00:13:34,456 --> 00:13:38,024
quoting "The Big Lebowski"
and wearing cargo shorts.
405
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,794
You know what was in the
pockets of those cargo shorts?
406
00:13:40,796 --> 00:13:42,829
Pizza flavored Combos.
407
00:13:42,831 --> 00:13:45,265
Oh, shit.
408
00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:46,767
Listen, when we hook up,
409
00:13:46,769 --> 00:13:48,434
it's gonna be your
first time with a man,
410
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:49,903
so I want to take it slow.
411
00:13:49,905 --> 00:13:53,173
Or not so slow.
412
00:13:53,175 --> 00:13:55,608
Do you know anything about Judy
Garland and her daughters?
413
00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:59,112
I know she really fucking
hot in "The Wizard of Oz."
414
00:13:59,114 --> 00:14:00,413
When she was lying there at the end,
415
00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:03,283
I was like, "I'll get in that bed."
416
00:14:03,285 --> 00:14:04,885
I don't know about her
daughters, though.
417
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,019
Where they hot too?
418
00:14:06,021 --> 00:14:07,553
Ah, never mind.
419
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,424
You've gotta be really
gay for that stuff.
420
00:14:11,426 --> 00:14:13,760
I'll fuck Auntie Em too.
421
00:14:15,430 --> 00:14:17,730
The first time I
realized how different I felt
422
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:19,933
was when Rizzo had a purse party.
423
00:14:21,169 --> 00:14:22,402
I dated Angelo's son.
424
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:25,438
Are you forgetting? Angelo, Jr.?
425
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,073
So that lunatic Paul, you
know what he said to me?
426
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,141
What did he say?
427
00:14:28,143 --> 00:14:29,475
He told me if he got me alone,
428
00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,144
he'd bang my bus so hard,
429
00:14:31,146 --> 00:14:32,678
I'd forget the recipe to
my grandmother's gravy.
430
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,114
He what?
431
00:14:34,116 --> 00:14:35,315
I said, "Paul, shut your fucking mouth
432
00:14:35,317 --> 00:14:36,750
"or I'll kick you in the balls
433
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:37,951
until you forget your
confirmation name."
434
00:14:39,554 --> 00:14:40,921
Ugh, I would have given
him the Italian Piñata.
435
00:14:42,324 --> 00:14:44,457
They had bad skin
and too much makeup.
436
00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:46,059
I mean, they didn't look very good.
437
00:14:46,061 --> 00:14:48,929
The designer purses were
obviously stolen knockoffs,
438
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:51,597
and all they talked about
were how guys hit on them
439
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:54,267
and how they'd kill anyone
who ever crossed them.
440
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,236
I loved every minute of it.
441
00:14:56,238 --> 00:14:57,537
How much for the orange?
442
00:14:57,539 --> 00:14:59,539
Because it's really catching my eye.
443
00:14:59,541 --> 00:15:00,974
Where did you guys get these purses?
444
00:15:00,976 --> 00:15:02,375
Oh, they fell off a truck.
445
00:15:02,377 --> 00:15:05,011
You should take one for your mom.
446
00:15:05,013 --> 00:15:07,280
Oh, Giuliana, look at you.
447
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,514
You fluffed your hair,
448
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:09,783
you borrowed my blouse.
449
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,317
You don't look like a boy anymore.
450
00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:13,119
Hey, Giuliana, tell us a funny story.
451
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,387
We love to laugh.
452
00:15:14,389 --> 00:15:16,522
Uh, I could tell you a funny story
453
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,526
about my food and weight issues.
454
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,930
I mean, where's my fucking head?
455
00:15:23,932 --> 00:15:27,033
My Jewish neighbor's
food and weight issues.
456
00:15:28,336 --> 00:15:29,335
This ought to be good.
457
00:15:29,337 --> 00:15:30,837
Those fucking Jews!
458
00:15:34,009 --> 00:15:36,076
So one time I saw her...
459
00:15:36,078 --> 00:15:37,077
I mean, him...
460
00:15:37,079 --> 00:15:39,379
pour a whole thing of Windex
461
00:15:39,381 --> 00:15:40,580
into a box of Krave cereal
462
00:15:40,582 --> 00:15:42,648
just so he could stop eating it.
463
00:15:44,086 --> 00:15:45,651
You're killing me!
464
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:48,321
Tell us more stories about
your dumb Jewish neighbor!
465
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,555
You know what, can you just...
466
00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:50,924
why don't you do it in the car,
467
00:15:50,926 --> 00:15:52,625
on the way to the Short Hills mall?
468
00:15:52,627 --> 00:15:54,060
We got to stop at the
Cheesecake factory first,
469
00:15:54,062 --> 00:15:55,896
make sure we have enough
dairy inside of us
470
00:15:55,898 --> 00:15:57,530
for shopping energy.
471
00:15:57,532 --> 00:16:01,569
I have found my corner of the sky.
472
00:16:05,307 --> 00:16:06,739
And I feel like it's my fault
473
00:16:06,741 --> 00:16:08,708
my daughter joined that
cult to begin with.
474
00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:10,476
Well, that's just idiotic.
475
00:16:10,478 --> 00:16:11,978
Dr. Kessler!
476
00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:13,613
Oh, I'm sorry.
477
00:16:13,615 --> 00:16:15,882
I just caught my reflection,
and this beret is stupid.
478
00:16:15,884 --> 00:16:17,317
Anyway, go ahead.
479
00:16:17,319 --> 00:16:20,120
Well, I want to save
Becky from that cult.
480
00:16:20,122 --> 00:16:21,354
You know what?
481
00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:22,789
I'm gonna just change my hat,
482
00:16:22,791 --> 00:16:24,690
and then I'll be able to concentrate.
483
00:16:27,229 --> 00:16:28,428
Arthur, my king,
484
00:16:28,430 --> 00:16:29,763
I made you a plate.
485
00:16:29,765 --> 00:16:32,434
Oh, well, thank you, Certs roll.
486
00:16:33,969 --> 00:16:36,436
Are you tan or just dirty?
487
00:16:36,438 --> 00:16:38,171
Oh, Mama.
488
00:16:38,173 --> 00:16:39,205
Mama.
489
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,673
Madre.
490
00:16:40,675 --> 00:16:42,876
Prego.
491
00:16:42,878 --> 00:16:43,777
I got you a purse.
492
00:16:43,779 --> 00:16:45,411
It's the least I could do.
493
00:16:45,413 --> 00:16:49,149
Julie, what the fuck is going on?
494
00:16:49,151 --> 00:16:52,853
To paraphrase activist
hairdresser Rachel Dolezal,
495
00:16:52,855 --> 00:16:55,221
"Challenging the construct of ethnicity
496
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,357
is at the core of human consciousness."
497
00:16:57,359 --> 00:17:00,193
In other words,
498
00:17:00,195 --> 00:17:02,228
I identify as Italian.
499
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:04,664
Oh, God.
500
00:17:04,666 --> 00:17:06,434
It feels so good to come out.
501
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,640
Arthur, what is this birthday surprise?
502
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,642
Well, I know how hard it's
been for you to adopt
503
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:17,978
as a single mother.
504
00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:20,146
What? Where did you hear about that?
505
00:17:20,148 --> 00:17:22,215
You've been sobbing about
it at every Christmas party
506
00:17:22,217 --> 00:17:23,516
for the last eight years.
507
00:17:23,518 --> 00:17:25,018
Fair enough.
508
00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:27,287
And I know how much you like children,
509
00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:29,655
so have you heard of puppy parties?
510
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:30,991
No.
511
00:17:30,993 --> 00:17:32,592
I'm allergic to every
animal but the frog.
512
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:35,095
Well, feast your eyes
on the latest offering
513
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:36,865
from the very same company.
514
00:17:45,407 --> 00:17:46,973
Your turn.
515
00:17:46,975 --> 00:17:48,741
Oh, my God.
516
00:17:48,743 --> 00:17:51,477
- Arthur.
- This party sucks.
517
00:17:51,479 --> 00:17:54,647
These kids are adorable.
518
00:17:54,649 --> 00:17:58,518
This is the best birthday su...
519
00:17:59,554 --> 00:18:00,553
Jesus fucking Christ!
520
00:18:00,555 --> 00:18:02,288
Is that a clown?
521
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,457
Oh, my God!
522
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:05,491
Uh, okay, uh...
523
00:18:21,944 --> 00:18:23,209
I am so sorry, Gabby.
524
00:18:23,211 --> 00:18:25,011
I didn't know there would be a clown,
525
00:18:25,013 --> 00:18:26,913
and I certainly didn't
know he would give chase.
526
00:18:26,915 --> 00:18:29,615
I'm going to have to
up my therapy, Arthur.
527
00:18:29,617 --> 00:18:33,253
I was finally down to 5 1/2
times a week, you know?
528
00:18:33,255 --> 00:18:35,121
The half is a Skype session.
529
00:18:35,123 --> 00:18:37,023
Never works the same.
530
00:18:37,025 --> 00:18:38,491
Please don't fire me.
531
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:39,592
I need the income.
532
00:18:39,594 --> 00:18:41,061
My girlfriend's Italian now,
533
00:18:41,063 --> 00:18:42,528
and she's asking for money in inches.
534
00:18:42,530 --> 00:18:43,764
I'm not gonna fire you, Arthur.
535
00:18:43,766 --> 00:18:45,431
But you will never again be planning
536
00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:47,233
a PBS birthday celebration.
537
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:49,803
From now on, the only Joy Boy
around here is going to be
538
00:18:49,805 --> 00:18:52,808
the discreet massage
wand I keep in my car.
539
00:18:55,443 --> 00:18:56,644
I'm sorry.
540
00:18:58,313 --> 00:19:02,082
Clown trauma has left with
no ability to self-censor.
541
00:19:02,084 --> 00:19:04,017
You've really
embraced this Italian thing.
542
00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:06,953
Well, New Jersey mall
makeovers are clearly the best.
543
00:19:06,955 --> 00:19:08,121
How's Joey?
544
00:19:08,123 --> 00:19:09,990
Well, tonight better be my big night.
545
00:19:09,992 --> 00:19:12,392
Only a guy as hot as Joey could
put me through this rigmarole.
546
00:19:12,394 --> 00:19:14,427
That reminds me, I have
to get Joni's recipe
547
00:19:14,429 --> 00:19:15,896
for her mother's rigmarole.
548
00:19:15,898 --> 00:19:18,064
Oh, how did Marilyn
handle the coming out?
549
00:19:18,066 --> 00:19:19,232
Not well.
550
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:20,867
She blanched like a spear of asparagus,
551
00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:22,535
then she ran out of
there like her bucatini
552
00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,004
was about to overcook.
553
00:19:24,006 --> 00:19:26,306
Oh, well, someone's thinking about food
554
00:19:26,308 --> 00:19:27,507
even more than usual.
555
00:19:27,509 --> 00:19:29,009
No, that's the thing.
556
00:19:29,011 --> 00:19:30,576
It's just that when I
talk about it out here,
557
00:19:30,578 --> 00:19:32,212
all the sudden I'm not a sad mess.
558
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:34,781
Everything that made me
unacceptable as a New York Jew
559
00:19:34,783 --> 00:19:37,450
is celebrated as a New Jersey Italian.
560
00:19:37,452 --> 00:19:40,386
Lying about who we are made
us accept who we really are.
561
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,155
After we changed it.
562
00:19:42,157 --> 00:19:44,057
I wish we'd discovered
New Jersey sooner.
563
00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:48,194
I let a cult
take my daughter away.
564
00:19:48,196 --> 00:19:51,197
Have a tissue.
565
00:19:51,199 --> 00:19:54,634
Now I don't have control
over my daughter!
566
00:19:54,636 --> 00:19:56,602
Oh, I try to make her feel guilty
567
00:19:56,604 --> 00:19:58,404
and to impose my worldview on her,
568
00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,173
but it doesn't work anymore.
569
00:20:00,175 --> 00:20:02,475
Well, what would you
have done differently
570
00:20:02,477 --> 00:20:04,077
to avoid her slipping away?
571
00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:06,780
I'd have acted the moment
I had a suspicion.
572
00:20:06,782 --> 00:20:08,481
I'd throw a bag over her head
573
00:20:08,483 --> 00:20:10,416
and toss her in the back of a van.
574
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:14,287
Why don't we use the rest
of the session meditating.
575
00:20:14,289 --> 00:20:15,721
Okay.
576
00:20:15,723 --> 00:20:17,257
Do you still have the mantra I sold you?
577
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:18,759
Oh, yeah.
578
00:20:18,761 --> 00:20:20,360
You know it expires at
the end of the month.
579
00:20:20,362 --> 00:20:21,627
Let yourself out.
580
00:20:23,531 --> 00:20:24,697
Selfries.
581
00:20:24,699 --> 00:20:26,066
Hey, Tack.
582
00:20:26,068 --> 00:20:27,768
It's Arthur. Tack is my last name.
583
00:20:27,770 --> 00:20:28,969
We're calling you by your last night now
584
00:20:28,971 --> 00:20:30,971
because we think you're cool.
585
00:20:30,973 --> 00:20:32,873
The Selfries think I'm cool?
586
00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:34,674
What's cooler than
hiring a clown to chase
587
00:20:34,676 --> 00:20:36,476
our boss around the office?
588
00:20:36,478 --> 00:20:37,743
I can't fucking think of anything.
589
00:20:37,745 --> 00:20:38,879
We should text Piven.
590
00:20:38,881 --> 00:20:40,380
We should totally text Piven.
591
00:20:40,382 --> 00:20:41,614
See you at lunch, Tack.
592
00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:43,917
We'll save you a seat.
593
00:20:43,919 --> 00:20:45,986
- Excuse me.
- Marilyn?
594
00:20:45,988 --> 00:20:47,453
What's wrong? Is it about Julie?
595
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:48,721
No, Arthur.
596
00:20:48,723 --> 00:20:50,090
I thought it'd be a good time
597
00:20:50,092 --> 00:20:52,658
to talk about the myth
of the gluten-free diet.
598
00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:54,594
Yes, it's about Julie.
599
00:20:54,596 --> 00:20:56,329
We have to rescue her before we lose her
600
00:20:56,331 --> 00:20:57,697
to this Italian thing forever.
601
00:20:57,699 --> 00:20:59,232
Marilyn, relax.
602
00:20:59,234 --> 00:21:00,767
It's just a phase.
603
00:21:00,769 --> 00:21:02,035
It's like when she
pretended to like hip-hop.
604
00:21:02,037 --> 00:21:04,337
Or tried to stop eating Chinese food.
605
00:21:04,339 --> 00:21:07,040
Oh, it was a brutal afternoon.
606
00:21:07,042 --> 00:21:09,575
Look, she texted me her
address in Hoboken,
607
00:21:09,577 --> 00:21:11,244
but then she also added "Ciao Bella."
608
00:21:11,246 --> 00:21:14,714
Oh, I have to say I do like how
friendly Italian Julie is.
609
00:21:14,716 --> 00:21:16,482
Well, maybe this isn't the worse thing
610
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,084
that she could become.
611
00:21:18,086 --> 00:21:20,020
Arthur, you are a WASP
with a drinking problem.
612
00:21:20,022 --> 00:21:22,622
I'm a Jew with the
metabolism of a 25-year-old.
613
00:21:22,624 --> 00:21:25,625
We have nothing in common except Julie.
614
00:21:25,627 --> 00:21:27,427
And we risk losing her to something
615
00:21:27,429 --> 00:21:30,864
that's had a pull on mankind way
longer than even makes sense.
616
00:21:30,866 --> 00:21:34,667
If we don't act now, we
could lose Julie to...
617
00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:37,103
To what?
618
00:21:37,105 --> 00:21:39,472
Catholicism.
619
00:21:39,474 --> 00:21:40,843
Let's get our girl.
620
00:21:43,578 --> 00:21:44,577
How do we get to Hoboken?
621
00:21:44,579 --> 00:21:45,678
Ferry?
622
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,380
We'll take an Uber.
623
00:21:47,382 --> 00:21:48,982
Hey, Arthur.
624
00:21:48,984 --> 00:21:50,917
Thanks again for lending
us your conference room.
625
00:21:50,919 --> 00:21:53,519
Newton got a real kick out
of that crying woman.
626
00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:54,654
You need a hand with that thing?
627
00:21:54,656 --> 00:21:56,056
No, I'm all right.
628
00:21:56,058 --> 00:21:57,758
We just got to bring it down to my van,
629
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,092
and then we're gonna
return it to Hoboken.
630
00:21:59,094 --> 00:22:00,293
Hoboken?
631
00:22:00,295 --> 00:22:01,862
Fortune is smiling upon us, Marilyn.
632
00:22:01,864 --> 00:22:03,363
You have room in that van for two more?
633
00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:04,464
- Sure.
- Thanks.
634
00:22:04,466 --> 00:22:07,667
Excuse me. Manners.
635
00:22:10,005 --> 00:22:12,705
No girlfriends have ever
thrown me a dinner before.
636
00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:14,440
I fucking love your guts.
637
00:22:14,442 --> 00:22:17,277
Oh, Giuliana, you're such a girls' girl.
638
00:22:17,279 --> 00:22:20,413
- Really?
- Yeah, we're sisters, bitch.
639
00:22:20,415 --> 00:22:21,948
Now let's get so shit-faced
640
00:22:21,950 --> 00:22:24,584
we forget the designation
assigned to each saint!
641
00:22:25,821 --> 00:22:27,587
- Yo, Vito!
- Vito!
642
00:22:27,589 --> 00:22:30,056
Turn on the music!
643
00:22:32,127 --> 00:22:35,161
Hey, I know we're
trying to take it slow,
644
00:22:35,163 --> 00:22:39,800
but this recently out bro is
really ready to go all the way.
645
00:22:39,802 --> 00:22:41,835
- Tonight's the night.
- You serious?
646
00:22:41,837 --> 00:22:44,337
Yeah, I'm serious as
that Larry Kramer play,
647
00:22:44,339 --> 00:22:46,840
"The Normal Brain."
648
00:22:46,842 --> 00:22:48,909
So you want to head back to my place?
649
00:22:48,911 --> 00:22:51,878
Yeah, but... I'm scared.
650
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,047
That's so hot.
651
00:22:55,784 --> 00:22:57,350
Oh, I friggin' love this song.
652
00:22:57,352 --> 00:22:59,219
Think it may even be my
favorite Frank Sinatra song
653
00:22:59,221 --> 00:23:00,987
of all time.
654
00:23:00,989 --> 00:23:03,824
I always thought of it as
more of a Liza Minnelli song.
655
00:23:06,829 --> 00:23:08,895
Liza Minnelli?
656
00:23:08,897 --> 00:23:12,665
How do you know about her?
657
00:23:12,667 --> 00:23:13,967
You're not recently out.
658
00:23:13,969 --> 00:23:16,502
And you're not really Italian.
659
00:23:16,504 --> 00:23:18,872
Oh, I fuckin' hate fakers.
660
00:23:18,874 --> 00:23:20,273
You lied to my brother?
661
00:23:20,275 --> 00:23:21,307
You lied to my sister?
662
00:23:21,309 --> 00:23:23,409
Do you know what we do to fakers?
663
00:23:23,411 --> 00:23:24,710
There she is!
664
00:23:24,712 --> 00:23:26,079
Come on, come on. Let's go!
665
00:23:26,081 --> 00:23:27,647
This isn't a helium tank place.
666
00:23:27,649 --> 00:23:29,082
Who the hell are you?
667
00:23:29,084 --> 00:23:30,751
Holy shit, it's an Italian weirdo
668
00:23:30,753 --> 00:23:32,285
with helium, a bat, and a bag.
669
00:23:32,287 --> 00:23:34,855
They're gonna give her
the Italian piñata.
670
00:23:34,857 --> 00:23:36,422
Send my regard to Lorraine Bracco
671
00:23:36,424 --> 00:23:38,925
and her affordable wines.
672
00:23:38,927 --> 00:23:40,060
Come on, Lenny.
673
00:23:40,062 --> 00:23:41,294
You're going there anyway.
674
00:23:41,296 --> 00:23:43,196
Just give us a ride home in the van.
675
00:23:43,198 --> 00:23:45,100
I don't want Newtown caught
up in any more of your lies.
676
00:23:48,837 --> 00:23:50,771
"PAITHE"? What is that? An acronym?
677
00:23:50,773 --> 00:23:53,273
It's pronounced "path."
678
00:23:53,275 --> 00:23:56,943
We'll get back to Manhattan
when, tomorrow early afternoon?
679
00:23:56,945 --> 00:23:58,544
Good-bye, New Jersey.
680
00:23:58,546 --> 00:24:00,046
Thanks for giving me a boyfriend
681
00:24:00,048 --> 00:24:01,614
that's out of my league
682
00:24:01,616 --> 00:24:05,318
and balls as blue as Bruce
Springsteen's denim.
683
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,619
Good-bye, New Jersey.
684
00:24:06,621 --> 00:24:09,622
Thanks for letting me
feel like a girls' girl,
685
00:24:09,624 --> 00:24:11,992
just for a minute.
686
00:24:11,994 --> 00:24:14,227
And for your cannolis.
687
00:24:14,229 --> 00:24:16,662
Oh, Ottoman, don't cry.
688
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,299
And the confectioner's sugar!
48994
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