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1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:02,927
[chuckling]
2
00:00:03,014 --> 00:00:05,930
[rock music]
3
00:00:06,017 --> 00:00:12,893
? ?
4
00:00:18,203 --> 00:00:19,813
[chuckling]
5
00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:22,381
Community service sucks.
6
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:25,851
Public urination is,
like, a dumb law.
7
00:00:25,922 --> 00:00:27,489
Yeah, really.
8
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,919
Plus, we mostly just peed
on ourselves, you know?
9
00:00:29,995 --> 00:00:33,172
So like... so like,
where's the crime, you know?
10
00:00:33,244 --> 00:00:36,595
- [laughter]
- Oh, no!
11
00:00:36,666 --> 00:00:38,059
Did you hear?
12
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,923
Diane is having another kid.
13
00:00:40,002 --> 00:00:41,352
Can you imagine?
14
00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:42,607
No, thank you.
15
00:00:42,689 --> 00:00:43,994
The three I have are enough.
16
00:00:44,074 --> 00:00:45,859
- Both: Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
17
00:00:45,938 --> 00:00:49,028
Oh, I told Roger, if you ever
want to have sex with me again,
18
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:50,623
you better get a vasectomy.
19
00:00:50,703 --> 00:00:52,749
[laughter]
20
00:00:52,826 --> 00:00:54,044
Whoa, Beavis.
21
00:00:54,125 --> 00:00:55,910
Did you hear that?
22
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,600
If we get vasectomies,
we can score with those chicks.
23
00:00:58,674 --> 00:01:00,589
Whoa, that's cool.
24
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:04,105
But like, um,
what's a vasectomy?
25
00:01:04,177 --> 00:01:06,744
It's an operation
on your nads, dumbass.
26
00:01:06,819 --> 00:01:08,386
Oh, OK. Yeah.
27
00:01:08,466 --> 00:01:10,686
Yeah, that sounds
pretty good, yeah.
28
00:01:10,762 --> 00:01:13,068
Maybe that's why we never score.
29
00:01:13,145 --> 00:01:15,364
What's in our nads
is too powerful.
30
00:01:15,441 --> 00:01:16,964
It scares the chicks away.
31
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Whoa!
32
00:01:18,690 --> 00:01:20,823
You know, it's amazing
our nads are so powerful,
33
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:23,468
because we've been hit
in the nads so many times.
34
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That only made them stronger,
Beavis.
35
00:01:26,532 --> 00:01:28,360
We trained them up.
36
00:01:28,438 --> 00:01:30,352
We've got super... [screams]
37
00:01:32,813 --> 00:01:35,686
And now your sperms are
getting even stronger.
38
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,675
Yeah, I can feel it.
39
00:01:37,752 --> 00:01:39,667
It hurts a lot, yeah.
40
00:01:39,745 --> 00:01:40,789
[chuckles]
41
00:01:40,871 --> 00:01:42,047
What's up, gentlemen?
42
00:01:42,128 --> 00:01:43,565
So before we get started,
I would just like
43
00:01:43,601 --> 00:01:45,342
to give you
an alpha M knuckle bump
44
00:01:45,420 --> 00:01:47,553
for being so damn incredible.
45
00:01:47,630 --> 00:01:49,501
No disputing the fact
that you're incredible
46
00:01:49,579 --> 00:01:52,104
and can accomplish
great, amazing things.
47
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:53,921
But the only way you're
gonna be able to truly...
48
00:01:53,955 --> 00:01:56,131
- Uh...
- [both chuckling]
49
00:01:56,208 --> 00:01:58,036
Uh...
50
00:01:58,114 --> 00:02:00,334
Commit yourself for the next
30 days to the alpha M...
51
00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:03,370
You think this guy knows what
he's talking about, Butt-Head?
52
00:02:03,443 --> 00:02:05,184
Uh, you can tell he's an expert
53
00:02:05,262 --> 00:02:08,222
'cause he, like,
talks into a camera,
54
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:11,907
and he's all loud,
and he makes lists.
55
00:02:11,978 --> 00:02:13,501
Yeah, yeah.
56
00:02:13,580 --> 00:02:15,843
Yeah, maybe he knows what
he's talking about, yeah.
57
00:02:15,921 --> 00:02:17,315
Six things that you
need to pay attention...
58
00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:19,961
Uh, I know six things
59
00:02:20,036 --> 00:02:22,778
I'd like to pay attention to
right about now.
60
00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:25,289
In my opinion,
to truly reach alpha status,
61
00:02:25,364 --> 00:02:26,888
you need to be spiritual.
62
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:28,710
Now, whatever that means
to you, it means to you.
63
00:02:28,744 --> 00:02:31,660
Whether or not you believe
in Jesus, Krishna, Buddha,
64
00:02:31,733 --> 00:02:33,561
it doesn't matter to me.
65
00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:35,554
Are those all the chicks
he's scored with?
66
00:02:35,632 --> 00:02:37,242
Uh, yeah.
67
00:02:37,322 --> 00:02:39,585
They all sound like strippers.
68
00:02:39,661 --> 00:02:40,967
- Yeah.
- [chuckling]
69
00:02:41,047 --> 00:02:43,267
I want to get a lap dance
from Krishna.
70
00:02:43,344 --> 00:02:44,824
Ooh. [Chuckling]
71
00:02:44,904 --> 00:02:46,993
30 days, I want you
to write down something
72
00:02:47,070 --> 00:02:48,201
you are grateful for.
73
00:02:48,282 --> 00:02:50,894
How many years is 30 days?
74
00:02:50,969 --> 00:02:53,058
Uh, I don't know.
75
00:02:53,135 --> 00:02:55,920
But the landlord said
to vacate in 30 days.
76
00:02:55,994 --> 00:03:00,956
And that was about two years
ago, and we're still here.
77
00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:04,197
- Yeah, 30 days is a long time.
- [chuckling]
78
00:03:04,269 --> 00:03:06,706
Now if you're somebody who's
already, like, exercising,
79
00:03:06,782 --> 00:03:07,959
I'd like to give you
a knuckle bump.
80
00:03:07,995 --> 00:03:10,171
Oh, yeah. Gotta exercise.
81
00:03:10,248 --> 00:03:12,467
Time for my 12-ounce curls.
82
00:03:12,543 --> 00:03:14,589
[slurps]
83
00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:17,669
[sighs] Feel the burn.
84
00:03:17,742 --> 00:03:19,396
Butt-Head, spot me.
85
00:03:19,475 --> 00:03:22,304
[slurps] Mmm, yeah.
86
00:03:22,378 --> 00:03:25,250
Never skip arms day,
you know what I'm saying?
87
00:03:25,324 --> 00:03:28,023
The sixth pillar
of the alpha 30-day plan...
88
00:03:28,097 --> 00:03:29,620
What's alpha again?
89
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:32,572
Is it like, something with
the alphabet or something?
90
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:33,734
[chuckles]
91
00:03:33,816 --> 00:03:35,513
Uh, no.
92
00:03:35,592 --> 00:03:37,725
Alpha is like the gorilla
that gets to score
93
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,541
with all the other gorillas.
94
00:03:39,621 --> 00:03:40,970
Whoa.
95
00:03:41,051 --> 00:03:43,662
So he scores with
a lot of gorillas?
96
00:03:43,736 --> 00:03:46,130
Uh, I guess so.
97
00:03:46,206 --> 00:03:48,643
He just like,
goes down to the zoo
98
00:03:48,718 --> 00:03:51,286
and just like, does them all?
99
00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:54,233
Uh, yeah.
100
00:03:54,307 --> 00:03:57,615
He's an alpha. [Chuckles]
101
00:03:57,686 --> 00:03:59,862
And then the other gorillas
try to stop him,
102
00:03:59,939 --> 00:04:02,072
but he just beats them up.
103
00:04:02,149 --> 00:04:03,585
Oh, yeah.
104
00:04:03,665 --> 00:04:05,449
Yeah, he spanks his monkey, see?
105
00:04:05,528 --> 00:04:08,443
[both chuckling]
106
00:04:10,336 --> 00:04:11,686
Gorillas aren't monkeys, Beavis.
107
00:04:11,767 --> 00:04:14,247
They're apes.
108
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,499
So that joke doesn't work.
109
00:04:16,576 --> 00:04:18,882
Try to be more careful
next time.
110
00:04:18,958 --> 00:04:20,699
Oh, well.
111
00:04:20,778 --> 00:04:22,085
If this means that you've got
to make up with some people,
112
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,993
or deal with some things
that you've been, like,
113
00:04:24,027 --> 00:04:26,508
harboring and hanging on to,
gentlemen, it is worth it.
114
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:29,630
Uh, Beavis, there's something
I've been meaning
115
00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,879
to get off my chest
for a long time.
116
00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:34,436
And I just didn't have
the courage to say it,
117
00:04:34,512 --> 00:04:36,165
but here goes.
118
00:04:36,244 --> 00:04:39,160
Beavis, you're the biggest
dumbass in the world.
119
00:04:39,233 --> 00:04:41,671
[chuckling]
120
00:04:41,747 --> 00:04:43,923
Ah.
121
00:04:43,999 --> 00:04:46,349
Felt good to get that out.
122
00:04:46,425 --> 00:04:48,340
Yeah, OK.
123
00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:51,160
Yeah, up yours. [Both chuckling]
124
00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:52,627
Yeah, I'm glad we connected.
125
00:04:52,707 --> 00:04:55,231
[slurps] Ah.
126
00:04:55,306 --> 00:04:57,308
Me too.
127
00:04:57,386 --> 00:04:58,822
Now let's have another beer
128
00:04:58,902 --> 00:05:01,601
and watch this guy
bone a gorilla.
129
00:05:01,675 --> 00:05:04,286
- Say it, sister. Yeah!
- [chuckling]
130
00:05:04,361 --> 00:05:05,928
[slurping]
131
00:05:06,007 --> 00:05:07,095
Amen.
132
00:05:07,177 --> 00:05:08,657
Ever reach alpha status.
133
00:05:11,509 --> 00:05:12,599
So you're interested
in getting vasectomies?
134
00:05:12,636 --> 00:05:14,681
- Well, obviously.
- [chuckling]
135
00:05:14,758 --> 00:05:17,500
Yeah, I mean, you know,
we want to score, you know.
136
00:05:17,574 --> 00:05:20,316
Well, let me walk you
through the procedure.
137
00:05:20,391 --> 00:05:21,784
Your body generates sperm...
138
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,475
[both chuckling]
139
00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:26,029
Right here in the testicles...
140
00:05:26,109 --> 00:05:28,459
[both chuckling]
141
00:05:28,535 --> 00:05:30,668
Which are located
here in the scrotum.
142
00:05:30,745 --> 00:05:33,182
- Yeah.
- [both chuckling]
143
00:05:33,258 --> 00:05:35,434
It then travels through
the vas deferens...
144
00:05:37,634 --> 00:05:39,113
- Uh...
- Huh?
145
00:05:39,193 --> 00:05:40,498
On its way to the penis.
146
00:05:40,579 --> 00:05:42,581
[both chuckling]
147
00:05:42,659 --> 00:05:45,793
And then through the urethra.
148
00:05:45,865 --> 00:05:47,432
- Uh...
- Huh?
149
00:05:47,511 --> 00:05:49,991
That's in the course
of a normal ejaculation.
150
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:52,722
[chuckling]
151
00:05:52,796 --> 00:05:55,016
Um...
152
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,922
- That's like...
- [whispering]
153
00:05:57,995 --> 00:05:59,170
Oh!
154
00:05:59,252 --> 00:06:02,560
[both chuckling]
155
00:06:02,631 --> 00:06:05,721
Ejaculation.
156
00:06:05,794 --> 00:06:08,797
The procedure is simply to
cut and seal the vas deferens
157
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,784
right here,
and then you should be able
158
00:06:10,862 --> 00:06:12,691
to return to your current level
of sexual activity.
159
00:06:12,725 --> 00:06:14,075
Yeah.
160
00:06:14,155 --> 00:06:16,287
Or more. [Chuckles]
161
00:06:16,364 --> 00:06:17,628
If you'd like, we can schedule
162
00:06:17,664 --> 00:06:19,013
your procedures for Monday.
163
00:06:19,094 --> 00:06:20,182
Any questions?
164
00:06:20,263 --> 00:06:21,699
Yeah, yeah, um,
165
00:06:21,779 --> 00:06:23,955
do you have one of those,
but it's like, a chick?
166
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:25,686
You know what I'm saying?
167
00:06:25,765 --> 00:06:27,028
I do, actually.
168
00:06:27,109 --> 00:06:28,371
Whoa!
169
00:06:28,452 --> 00:06:30,889
Now this guy is cool. [Chuckles]
170
00:06:35,427 --> 00:06:38,169
Uh, we're here
for our vasectomies.
171
00:06:38,243 --> 00:06:39,809
Yeah, our appointment was, like,
172
00:06:39,888 --> 00:06:41,978
an hour ago or something.
173
00:06:42,055 --> 00:06:43,534
OK.
174
00:06:43,614 --> 00:06:45,921
So how long is this gonna take?
175
00:06:45,997 --> 00:06:48,913
I want to score this afternoon.
[chuckles]
176
00:06:51,153 --> 00:06:53,503
These porno magazines suck.
177
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:56,843
They're just guys playing golf.
178
00:06:56,915 --> 00:06:59,700
Gentlemen, we're ready for you.
179
00:06:59,774 --> 00:07:01,384
It's a quick procedure.
180
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:03,598
You'll be able to go right back
to your normal routine.
181
00:07:03,630 --> 00:07:05,284
I just want to remind you
to wait a week
182
00:07:05,363 --> 00:07:06,582
before you ejaculate.
183
00:07:06,663 --> 00:07:08,447
No, that's fine. Yeah.
184
00:07:08,525 --> 00:07:11,311
All we're gonna do this week
anyway is score.
185
00:07:11,385 --> 00:07:12,734
All right.
186
00:07:12,815 --> 00:07:15,339
Go ahead and lie down,
and in a few minutes,
187
00:07:15,414 --> 00:07:18,548
you'll no longer have to worry
about fathering children.
188
00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:20,274
[echoing] Fathering children,
189
00:07:20,353 --> 00:07:23,095
fathering children,
fathering children.
190
00:07:23,169 --> 00:07:25,388
[dreamy music]
191
00:07:25,465 --> 00:07:27,119
Father, Father.
192
00:07:27,198 --> 00:07:31,028
Yes, Butt-Head Junior
and Butt-Head Threenior?
193
00:07:31,097 --> 00:07:34,448
Uh, Father, tell us about
all the times you scored.
194
00:07:34,519 --> 00:07:36,695
Of course, children.
195
00:07:36,772 --> 00:07:38,035
[knocking]
196
00:07:38,116 --> 00:07:41,293
But what's this? [Chuckles]
197
00:07:41,365 --> 00:07:44,063
Mr. Head,
I'm here to hand-deliver.
198
00:07:44,137 --> 00:07:46,531
Butt-Head Fournior's
report card.
199
00:07:46,607 --> 00:07:49,828
- Mm.
- [chuckling]
200
00:07:49,900 --> 00:07:52,990
Parenthood is cool.
201
00:07:53,062 --> 00:07:55,455
? ?
202
00:07:55,531 --> 00:07:58,404
[chuckling]
203
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,247
[snickering] You're cool, Dad.
204
00:08:06,318 --> 00:08:08,103
Oh, yeah.
205
00:08:08,182 --> 00:08:10,184
I guess I am. [Chuckling]
206
00:08:10,261 --> 00:08:11,263
And you can play with our LEGOs.
207
00:08:11,301 --> 00:08:12,781
[snickering]
208
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,949
Whoa, cool! Yeah, LEGOs.
209
00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:16,333
[knocking]
210
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,545
But what's this? [Chuckles]
211
00:08:20,832 --> 00:08:22,529
Hey, look, kids!
It's the Butt-Heads.
212
00:08:22,609 --> 00:08:25,002
We're here to kick your ass.
213
00:08:25,078 --> 00:08:26,689
- Oh, cool.
- [chuckles]
214
00:08:26,768 --> 00:08:28,848
So glad we could get the
families together, you know?
215
00:08:28,890 --> 00:08:31,589
- Get him, son.
- [all grunting]
216
00:08:31,663 --> 00:08:34,491
Hey, can I get anybody anything?
217
00:08:34,566 --> 00:08:36,611
I've got some Dr. Peppers
in the fridge... ah!
218
00:08:36,688 --> 00:08:41,911
? ?
219
00:08:41,974 --> 00:08:44,106
Um, you know, um,
220
00:08:44,183 --> 00:08:46,359
being dads might actually
be pretty cool, Butt-Head.
221
00:08:46,436 --> 00:08:48,743
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
222
00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:52,170
My kids would kick ass.
[chuckling]
223
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:54,156
Are you ready?
224
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,280
- Uh...
- Um...
225
00:08:58,610 --> 00:08:59,742
All righty, I've applied
226
00:08:59,823 --> 00:09:00,999
the local anesthetic
to your scrotums.
227
00:09:01,036 --> 00:09:03,474
The procedure will be over
before you know it.
228
00:09:03,549 --> 00:09:07,117
So, um, kids are kind of
cool, aren't they, Butt-Head?
229
00:09:07,188 --> 00:09:09,321
Uh, yeah.
230
00:09:09,398 --> 00:09:11,444
If they're raised right,
like we were.
231
00:09:11,521 --> 00:09:14,001
[chuckles]
232
00:09:14,076 --> 00:09:15,904
[metallic zing]
233
00:09:15,982 --> 00:09:17,462
- Hey, stop!
- Whoa!
234
00:09:17,542 --> 00:09:19,152
Stay away from our super nads!
235
00:09:19,231 --> 00:09:21,625
Yeah, the world needs more
Butt-Heads, or something.
236
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,964
[tools clattering]
237
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,912
[both grunting]
238
00:09:29,716 --> 00:09:32,371
Yeah, I'm gonna have kids
someday, Butt-Head.
239
00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:34,752
Even if I have to
never score to do it.
240
00:09:34,828 --> 00:09:37,614
Uh...
241
00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:40,255
my nads are numb.
242
00:09:40,331 --> 00:09:42,507
Yeah, mine too. Ugh.
243
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,324
Uh...
244
00:09:44,403 --> 00:09:47,188
[grunts]
245
00:09:47,262 --> 00:09:49,743
Wait a minute, did you
just kick me in the nads?
246
00:09:49,818 --> 00:09:51,210
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
247
00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:53,250
I didn't even feel anything.
248
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:54,459
[grunts]
249
00:09:54,541 --> 00:09:58,327
Whoa, I didn't
feel anything either.
250
00:09:58,396 --> 00:09:59,919
Do it again.
251
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:01,305
[grunts]
252
00:10:01,385 --> 00:10:03,213
This is cool.
253
00:10:03,292 --> 00:10:05,076
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, it's amazing.
254
00:10:05,154 --> 00:10:06,852
Kick me harder this time.
255
00:10:06,931 --> 00:10:09,063
- [grunts]
- Whoa.
256
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:11,057
- Now do me again, yeah.
- As hard as you can, yeah.
257
00:10:11,090 --> 00:10:13,266
- [grunts]
- Wow!
258
00:10:13,343 --> 00:10:14,910
I could do this all day, yeah.
259
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,557
- [grunts]
- It almost feels good.
260
00:10:17,632 --> 00:10:18,937
- [grunts]
- Ooh, yeah, yeah.
261
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:21,630
That was right
with the toe, yeah.
262
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,880
- Feels kind of warm.
- [grunts]
263
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,221
You know, people say numb nuts
264
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:26,823
like it's a bad thing, but...
265
00:10:26,902 --> 00:10:30,210
But this kicks ass.
266
00:10:30,282 --> 00:10:32,850
- Let's go find a baseball bat.
- [chuckles]
267
00:10:35,647 --> 00:10:38,563
[rock music]
268
00:10:38,564 --> 00:10:45,484
? ?
269
00:10:57,353 --> 00:10:59,224
[chiming noises]
270
00:10:59,311 --> 00:11:00,269
Chirp.
271
00:11:00,319 --> 00:11:04,869
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