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1
00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,091
If you were a dog,
what breed would you be?
2
00:00:05,092 --> 00:00:06,832
You know those
hypoallergenic ones,
3
00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:08,182
uh, what are they?
4
00:00:08,269 --> 00:00:10,359
Oh, the ones that don't answer
stupid questions.
5
00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:11,968
Truck 12.
Please respond.
6
00:00:12,055 --> 00:00:14,965
Cougar observed at residence.
425 Knoll Drive.
7
00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:16,488
Homeowner is out of town.
8
00:00:16,494 --> 00:00:18,284
Truck 12 responding.
9
00:00:18,279 --> 00:00:19,979
There's been a lot
of sightings lately.
10
00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:20,893
A security camera
at a dry cleaner's
11
00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:22,457
got some great footage.
12
00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:25,197
It's a beautiful animal.
C-38. Majestic.
13
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:27,636
Poor guy's probably just hungry,
you know?
14
00:00:27,636 --> 00:00:28,636
This isn't some cute
little kitty.
15
00:00:28,637 --> 00:00:30,157
You know that right?
16
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,990
Last year in Spokane another
cougar attacked an officer,
17
00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:34,856
broke through his ribcage,
and ate his lungs.
18
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:38,780
Oh, my God.
Did he survive?
19
00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:41,654
Without lungs? Yup. Yeah.
20
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,570
Finished third at
the New York Marathon.
21
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:44,565
Thank God.
22
00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:46,223
You know, I love stories
like that.
23
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:49,220
Triumph of the human spirit.
You can't keep us down, Frank.
24
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,052
He died, Shred.
25
00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:02,539
Oh, my God.
26
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:03,630
What?
27
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,538
On the stairs.
Right in the bushes.
28
00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:06,153
You see that?
29
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,020
The hydrangeas or the azaleas?
30
00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:09,904
I don't know.
The pink ones.
31
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:10,895
Azaleas.
32
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:13,901
Oh my God.
33
00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:14,809
Hand me the tranq gun.
34
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:16,423
If he comes for us,
35
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,174
we're supposed to make
ourselves look big.
36
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:19,905
Shh. Yeah.
That's the official line.
37
00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:22,035
But here's the real deal.
38
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:24,515
Cup your junk and
hide behind something.
39
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:26,999
Make your whole package
as inaccessible as possible.
40
00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,609
But Frank, I... I heard
they go for your neck.
41
00:01:28,610 --> 00:01:29,960
Yeah, they do.
42
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:31,439
But it's not about
staying alive,
43
00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:34,139
it's about life being
worth living if you survive.
44
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:39,271
Be careful.
45
00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:41,672
I think I got a clean shot.
46
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:47,886
Unbelievable.
47
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:48,850
What?
48
00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:50,808
What are you...
49
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:53,716
Frank? Frank? Frank?
Are you crazy?
50
00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:54,942
Cover up your junk.
51
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,250
It's a stuffed animal.
52
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,506
You don't know that.
It might just be asleep.
53
00:01:57,595 --> 00:02:00,725
Yeah. Well, when it wakes up
I'd speak to it in Vietnamese
54
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:03,559
since it's probably
where it was made.
55
00:02:03,558 --> 00:02:04,168
They do great work.
56
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:05,947
Whoo! Okay.
57
00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:07,781
Yeah, I'll make the call
to dispatch.
58
00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:09,559
Let 'em know it's a false alarm.
59
00:02:09,564 --> 00:02:11,174
- Wait.
- What?
60
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,521
You know what Churchill said.
Never let a crisis go to waste.
61
00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:14,744
Totally.
62
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:17,223
Quick refresher...
uh, who is Churchill?
63
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:18,624
Relief pitcher
for the Mariners.
64
00:02:18,616 --> 00:02:20,486
I hear that dude's having
a great season.
65
00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:22,658
Look... we both know
this cougar isn't real.
66
00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:23,844
Right.
67
00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,189
But nobody else does.
68
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:28,888
So, we have an opportunity to
humiliate a deserving individual
69
00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,324
and it would be wrong
to pass that up.
70
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:32,590
Right?
71
00:02:33,762 --> 00:02:34,892
Gentlemen.
72
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,459
Templeton... thank God
you're here.
73
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,591
You're lucky I'm working
graveyard this week.
74
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:40,994
Bring me up to speed.
75
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:42,116
Come here.
76
00:02:44,599 --> 00:02:45,859
The predator is in those bushes.
77
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,211
See? Now we've shot him
full of tranqs
78
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:49,520
but that is one amped-up cat.
79
00:02:49,517 --> 00:02:50,777
Copy.
80
00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:54,483
It takes a big man to admit
when he's in over his head.
81
00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:59,307
So... he's already killed
a couple of dogs.
82
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,789
But the real concern
is the elementary school
83
00:03:00,789 --> 00:03:01,879
down the street.
84
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:02,827
Yeah. Breaks my heart
85
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,844
but, I think, we might have
to euthanize.
86
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:08,670
Stand back, boys.
87
00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:10,626
This is a job for
Mister Remington.
88
00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:12,539
Okay.
89
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,200
Bye-bye kitty-cat.
90
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:22,553
On my orders... fire.
91
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,640
You're gonna order yourself
to fire, sir?
92
00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:26,249
Stop questioning my authority.
93
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:27,249
Execute!
94
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:32,820
What?
95
00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:34,341
That was so good.
96
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,914
That went so much better
than anyone could've hoped for.
97
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:37,962
Oh, my goodness.
98
00:03:40,829 --> 00:04:05,069
♪
99
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:10,770
'Kay. People are
still not conforming
100
00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:12,859
to recycling protocols.
101
00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:14,211
And once again,
102
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:17,467
a half-eaten hamburger
is not recyclable... Frank.
103
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:22,086
Thank you, Dolores.
104
00:04:22,087 --> 00:04:24,997
Uh, Dolores...
is this recyclable?
105
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:26,093
Of course.
106
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:27,181
Oh, terrific.
107
00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,569
Yeah. You've done
that joke before.
108
00:04:28,572 --> 00:04:32,452
Well, when you see Elton John
you want him to play Rocket Man.
109
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:35,143
Uh, Frank? Shred?
Did anything happen recently
110
00:04:35,144 --> 00:04:37,324
that maybe I should be brought
up to speed on?
111
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,630
Which category?
112
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:40,976
Routine checks or events
that were hilarious
113
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,196
and humbled a person
who richly deserved it?
114
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:46,545
Templeton filed a formal
complaint so now HR is involved.
115
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:50,117
Oh no... not the department you
want as the arbiter of humor.
116
00:04:50,115 --> 00:04:51,895
You know who's sneaky funny?
117
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,470
Payroll.
118
00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:55,774
Look, Emily, we're really sorry
you got dragged into this.
119
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,393
This is one of those rare
occasions where our joy
120
00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,425
is worth the suffering
it causes others.
121
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:02,910
Well, I'm gonna be on the phone
for the next five hours
122
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:04,041
getting you guys out of trouble.
123
00:05:04,129 --> 00:05:06,089
So, I'm not demanding it,
124
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:07,788
but a large smoothie from the
place that I like on the corner
125
00:05:07,785 --> 00:05:09,345
would be a really
thoughtful surprise.
126
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:10,832
Oh... absolutely Emily.
127
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:13,272
In fact, I'm gonna get smoothies
for the entire office,
128
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:15,049
including you, Dolores.
129
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:16,530
Just a gentle reminder,
130
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,193
those cups need to be rinsed
before they're recycled.
131
00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:19,494
You bet.
132
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:20,890
Along with the 400 straws
I'm bringing you.
133
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,803
Again, so sorry.
134
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:28,983
No, absolutely Captain,
I hear you loud and clear.
135
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:31,240
I added the papaya
extract boost.
136
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:32,293
Thank you.
137
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:33,155
It's an antioxidant.
138
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,808
I figured with all
the truck exhaust
139
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,162
and environmental toxins...
140
00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:37,381
You know
I read about that.
141
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:38,377
Do you know what else
is supposed to be...
142
00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:40,471
No, absolutely.
I agree.
143
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:43,690
It's a very, very
serious incident.
144
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,781
...is pomegranate extract.
145
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,610
I've been taking it,
like, before breakfast
146
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,778
and I feel like I notice
a difference in my skin.
147
00:05:49,784 --> 00:05:50,964
Yeah. You got a glow.
148
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,349
Really?
149
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:53,309
What are you doing
for sun protection?
150
00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:55,266
Like, SPF 50
and, like, a big floppy hat...
151
00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:57,227
No... exactly, Captain.
152
00:05:57,226 --> 00:06:00,796
No, I... I spoke to the officers
and it won't happen again.
153
00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:02,135
Okay.
Super triple promise.
154
00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:04,194
I'm leaving now. Sorry.
155
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:05,759
Oh wait!
I forgot.
156
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:07,846
I got you this morning
glory muffin.
157
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,055
Crazy amount of fiber.
158
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,024
Not that you need it.
159
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,761
You don't come off
as constipated at all.
160
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:15,163
You know I'm not a fan
of Templeton but come on,
161
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,987
you went too far.
162
00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:19,465
Since at least the bronze age,
pranks have been employed
163
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:22,206
as a necessary form of
workplace justice.
164
00:06:22,207 --> 00:06:23,987
Look... I don't like
to get grandiose.
165
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:25,252
Oh, you love to get grandiose.
166
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:26,734
That's true, I am pretty good
at it.
167
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,264
But if jerks like Templeton
go left unchecked,
168
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:29,874
they become Vladimir Putin.
169
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,437
So sometimes the children
of light
170
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,215
have to employ the methods
of the children of darkness.
171
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:35,259
What?
172
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,224
A simple thank you
is all I ask.
173
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:38,962
And now... good day.
174
00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,269
Ugh.
175
00:06:43,011 --> 00:06:45,141
He's insufferable!
176
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:48,230
That dude deserves some
serious karmic payback.
177
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,543
I don't really believe
in karma.
178
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:54,242
Too many bad things happen to
me when I don't have it coming.
179
00:06:57,895 --> 00:07:00,065
♪
180
00:07:01,812 --> 00:07:03,382
I found this in
the recycling bin.
181
00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:04,379
It's Frank's.
182
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,300
Okay, you don't know that.
183
00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:08,245
It's a size 14 and
it reeks of arrogance.
184
00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:10,263
Can you just give me a sec?
185
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:11,555
What's with the pictures
of Shred?
186
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:13,815
Uh, no... nothing.
187
00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:16,351
I was... I was doing some,
uh, paperwork and I...
188
00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:17,518
"Shred Taylor penis"?
189
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,354
No! No, no, no.
That's not... no.
190
00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:20,831
Why were you Googling that?
191
00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:22,091
No, I... I wasn't.
192
00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,836
Well, I was looking up
Shred because of,
193
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:26,875
like, professional, totally
above-board reasons...
194
00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:29,191
um... and I think I just,
I clicked the wrong button.
195
00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:30,804
Do you have a thing for him?
196
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,148
No.
197
00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:34,497
No! No.
He's my employee.
198
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:36,627
And he has a girlfriend.
199
00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:39,197
And regardless of that
it's... no.
200
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:41,587
His penis is frozen?
201
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:45,161
Yeah. Yeah.
202
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,380
Is or was, I don't know.
It's unclear.
203
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,860
How did you even find that?
204
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:51,300
It's the third thing
that pops up. Okay?
205
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:53,426
It was "Shred Taylor."
"Shred Taylor Half-pipe."
206
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:54,866
"Shred Taylor Frozen Penis."
207
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:55,865
You totally have a thing
for him.
208
00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:57,346
No!
209
00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:58,956
We've just been carpooling
a lot and...
210
00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:00,566
and we like the same
cheesy music,
211
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,177
and I would never act on it,
but, like... yeah.
212
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:04,398
I looked him up
and it turns out,
213
00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:06,176
when he was injured
on the slopes,
214
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:09,751
his, um... extremities
were impacted by the cold.
215
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,230
It's, like, a real-life
condition that affects Sherpas
216
00:08:12,317 --> 00:08:16,017
and ice fisherman
and snowboarders.
217
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:16,544
Well...
218
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:18,105
Well what?
219
00:08:19,194 --> 00:08:20,154
Does it work?
220
00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:21,411
Okay. Dolores...
221
00:08:21,413 --> 00:08:23,423
None of the articles
say anything about that
222
00:08:23,415 --> 00:08:26,025
which is crazy 'cause it's
all anyone wants to know.
223
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:28,384
It's probably fine but you
should stop researching it,
224
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,157
it's just gonna make
your crush worse.
225
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,511
I don't want it to be fine.
226
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,028
That's the whole thing,
if it's... if it's broken
227
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:34,381
or if it's, like,
at a weird angle,
228
00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:35,383
or if it's just, like,
straight-up gone
229
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:38,131
then I can just let this go.
230
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,999
I'll go get my laptop.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
231
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:44,869
- This is gonna be so much fun!
- Oh, boy.
232
00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:49,485
Oh crap, it's still on.
233
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:50,355
What?
234
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:52,793
Maya hired a photographer
235
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,193
to shoot our Christmas
card tonight.
236
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:55,272
And I've got boobs.
237
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,013
Oh, no you don't.
238
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:58,844
I was gonna lose 10 pounds
before the shoot.
239
00:08:58,842 --> 00:09:00,892
But then you know what happened?
I didn't.
240
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:04,458
She got matching white satin
shirts for the whole family.
241
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,976
White satin, Victoria.
242
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:08,030
Your wife's insane.
Postpone it.
243
00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:10,025
I think it's weird to be doing
it this early anyway.
244
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,197
It's a competition thing
with her sister.
245
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:13,473
And we're never gonna win.
246
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:15,205
They're a much more
attractive family.
247
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,286
Oh yeah, you showed me
a photo.
248
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:17,384
They're gorgeous.
249
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:18,042
Hey!
250
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,259
Anyone wanna volunteer for
my vaccination clinic Saturday?
251
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,037
- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, I would love to.
252
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:25,221
- That sounds great!
- Yes! Absolutely.
253
00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:26,703
Great, thanks.
254
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,176
My post-doc resident, Serge,
will be covering for me.
255
00:09:29,177 --> 00:09:31,307
- Ooh...
- Did you say this Saturday?
256
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,266
Ooh, I've got a kid's soccer
game actually.
257
00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:34,358
Actually, I'm free.
258
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:35,615
Really?
259
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:36,968
Yeah. Totally.
260
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:37,707
You're my hero.
261
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,575
You know what,
I can do it.
262
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,408
I have experience.
I can move some stuff around.
263
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:44,628
Now you're my hero.
264
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:47,147
No. It's about the dogs,
not about me.
265
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:48,241
Aww.
266
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:51,594
You bought that?
267
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,851
You just gave up your Saturday
and you still have no shot.
268
00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:56,334
I'm sorry. Did you get an "aww"
from the Hot Vet?
269
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:57,814
Are you her hero?
270
00:09:59,207 --> 00:10:00,117
Oh, and Frank...
271
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:02,856
I heard what you did
to Templeton,
272
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,653
and I shouldn't admit this,
but hilarious.
273
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,605
Thanks.
274
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:11,647
You know, it's rare when a hero
is also so funny.
275
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:13,004
Am I right?
276
00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:14,476
I don't think it was
that funny.
277
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,438
Oh, shoot.
False alarm.
278
00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:20,051
You got me.
279
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,451
I can't stop thinking
about that kid.
280
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,673
What kid?
281
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,147
The kid that's gonna
come home,
282
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:28,537
find his favorite stuffed animal
blown to smithereens,
283
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:30,280
lying headless in the driveway.
284
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:31,148
That kid.
285
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:32,759
Look... I'm in a good mood.
286
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,162
Why are you trying
to bring me down?
287
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:36,162
It's just... maybe we should try
to replace it.
288
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,384
Okay. What the hell?
289
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:38,245
After lunch we'll stop by
a toy store.
290
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:40,066
- Nice.
- You happy?
291
00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:41,084
- Yes.
- Alright.
292
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,467
Whoa. This day just keeps
getting better.
293
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:46,986
You have her under "Hot Vet"?
294
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:48,264
Yeah, I can't believe
she's texting me.
295
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:50,166
Okay, I gotta... I gotta focus.
296
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:56,658
What are you gonna say?
297
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,916
I don't know.
298
00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,308
I wanna engage
without coming on too strong.
299
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,532
Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
300
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:08,801
What do you think of this?
301
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,449
You nailed it.
302
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:13,634
Send.
303
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:17,285
Ha, ha! Bingo!
304
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,625
He's on the hook.
305
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:19,504
What'd he say?
306
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:20,944
Just "hey".
307
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,771
He's trying to play it down
like it's no big deal
308
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:25,549
but I know that he's as giddy
as a little school girl.
309
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:26,824
What are we gonna text him?
310
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,556
No, nothing yet.
I'm gonna make him sweat.
311
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:29,564
But thank you.
312
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:30,645
Yes.
313
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,343
...By the way.
This was a genius idea.
314
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:33,613
My wife does it all the time.
315
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,125
I'll leave my phone somewhere
316
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:36,389
and when she calls me,
317
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:37,701
her name comes up as
"suburban sex goddess"
318
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:38,737
or "spicy mama".
319
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:41,310
Or "need almond milk".
320
00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:42,216
That one's just when she needs
almond milk.
321
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:43,310
- No, I... I got that.
- Yeah.
322
00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:44,621
Anything?
323
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,136
Nothing. Total silence.
324
00:11:48,142 --> 00:11:49,452
Three dots and a bubble,
here we go!
325
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,494
So, she's crafting
her words carefully.
326
00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:53,453
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Come on.
327
00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:57,238
Okay, how does this sound?
My thing got cancelled.
328
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:59,535
"...so, you'll be stuck with me
all day Saturday."
329
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:00,984
Yes!
330
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,331
Dude, have some champagne
chilled in the truck,
331
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:03,770
just in case.
332
00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,676
Right? It does feel officially
safe to get cocky.
333
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:07,201
Yes.
334
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:15,995
Okay, there's gotta
be something.
335
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,296
Do you have anything?
336
00:12:17,388 --> 00:12:19,558
Zero. And some of the websites
I stumbled onto
337
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:20,964
were not what I was thinking
338
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,134
and I'm scared there's gonna be
a knock on my door.
339
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:23,995
Okay, this is maddening.
340
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:26,354
I cannot be the only person
in the universe
341
00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:29,014
who wants to know the condition
of Shred Taylor's penis.
342
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,879
Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's
computer and hit the dark web.
343
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,023
None of these are big enough.
344
00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:40,017
Okay. She just said, "is it
weird I'm texting you?
345
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,800
"You know, since
we're coworkers".
346
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:43,244
Well, that's a good point,
you know,
347
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,680
'cause it could get awkward.
348
00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:46,456
Are you sure you wanna
take it there?
349
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:47,641
I would take a lifetime
of awkward
350
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:49,506
just to spend one night
with her.
351
00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:50,384
So, what do you think of this?
352
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:53,469
Maybe a little.
353
00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,858
No. Don't say that.
You're gonna get in her head.
354
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:56,822
Exactly. Keep her off balance.
355
00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,129
Why would you wanna do that?
356
00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,815
This is a game of chess,
it's a battle of wits.
357
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,612
No, it's more like a dance.
358
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:02,866
And I'm not saying that
359
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,739
just 'cause I don't know how
to play chess.
360
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:07,697
Hold her hand.
See where the music takes you.
361
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:09,749
I haven't been on a date
in five months
362
00:13:09,832 --> 00:13:11,492
so I'm not letting you get
in my head.
363
00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:13,436
I'm sticking with chess.
I'm sending it.
364
00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:15,491
Fine.
365
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:16,490
But we're wasting our time.
366
00:13:16,491 --> 00:13:18,751
I know where to get a giant
stuffed animal.
367
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,361
Wait. They have really good
puzzles here.
368
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,673
"Maybe a little."
369
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,412
What a jerk.
Who even says that?
370
00:13:26,544 --> 00:13:27,554
Are you listening to me?
371
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,980
I'm spinning out about
this damn Christmas card.
372
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:33,291
I'm gonna be on refrigerators
all over Seattle.
373
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:35,250
A diet inspiration for pudgy,
middle-aged men.
374
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,209
I just find it hilarious
that mister slobbering
375
00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:40,337
all over himself is suddenly
mister self-control.
376
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:41,728
He takes, like, 10 minutes
377
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:43,743
to craft each of his
three-word replies.
378
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,605
I'm gonna be a white satin
man boob reminder
379
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:46,827
to put down the ice cream.
380
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,735
I wanna help my community, yeah,
but not like that.
381
00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:51,571
I'm gonna tell him I had a dream
about him last night.
382
00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:54,309
No, that's mean.
Don't do that.
383
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:55,271
Too mean or good mean?
384
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:57,309
You know what I think?
385
00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:58,584
What do you think?
386
00:13:58,663 --> 00:13:59,883
I don't think you're getting
off on the cruelty of the prank,
387
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:02,232
I think you're just getting off.
388
00:14:02,232 --> 00:14:03,582
What?
389
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:05,541
Yeah. I think you
like the flirtation.
390
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,580
I think you like him.
391
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:07,851
Frank? That's crazy.
392
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,667
Okay, then why...
why are you blushing?
393
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:10,814
I'm not blushing.
394
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,593
I'm emotionally tormenting
someone because it's fun.
395
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:13,770
Mmhmm.
396
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,943
I've got my flaws
and I'm fine with it.
397
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,252
At least your flaws
are on the inside.
398
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:18,805
Right?
399
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:19,991
Truck eight.
Please respond.
400
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:21,989
Kangaroo escaped
from the Seattle Zoo.
401
00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:24,651
Zookeeper is requesting back-up.
101 East Webster.
402
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:27,341
Truck eight responding.
403
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:29,354
Okay. I'm gonna need you
to focus.
404
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:31,346
Okay. I'm bringing out
the big guns.
405
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,478
I'm gonna blow his horny
little mind.
406
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:37,753
Come on... no service?
407
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:40,046
What is it, the bumper cars
are interfering?
408
00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:42,490
Will you please knock these down
so we can get outta here.
409
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:43,450
I'm trying, Frank.
410
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,023
What is going on?
I thought you were an athlete.
411
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,927
Yeah, in a leg-based sport.
This is, like, an arm sport.
412
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:51,282
There's wrist stuff...
413
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:52,760
I gotta get back
into cell service.
414
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:55,552
See? It's not so easy.
415
00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:56,806
Excuse me. Sir?
416
00:14:56,808 --> 00:14:58,638
How much for that huge lion
on the top row?
417
00:14:58,723 --> 00:14:59,863
Prizes are not for sale.
418
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:00,985
Look at that, Shred.
419
00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:02,507
We found the one carny
with scruples.
420
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:03,770
Can you believe it?
421
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:04,732
We can... we can earn it.
422
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,689
Okay.
Well, how about... now?
423
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,740
That might get you something
from the second row.
424
00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:12,556
Like a little badger.
425
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:13,560
But are you serious?
426
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:16,051
We need the lion, Frank.
427
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,565
How much for something
from the top row?
428
00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:19,313
Three badgers.
429
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:22,658
There's a cash machine
by the funnel cakes.
430
00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:23,617
Two and a half badgers!
431
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:24,838
This is extortion.
432
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,926
This was a very
reasonable bribe.
433
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:28,835
Excuse me, guys, sorry.
434
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,630
Excuse me, coming through guys.
Thank you.
435
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:32,411
Officer Patel,
This is Officer Sands.
436
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:33,319
What's the situation?
437
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:36,893
Jumping Jack.
Second time he's escaped.
438
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,419
Anyway, we got him trapped.
439
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:39,455
What do you need from us?
440
00:15:39,547 --> 00:15:40,897
Not much.
441
00:15:40,896 --> 00:15:42,636
Just stay here and help keep
away the looky-loos.
442
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:43,637
- Hmm.
- 'Kay.
443
00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:45,028
Alright, Jack.
444
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,641
Don't you need, like, a net
or something?
445
00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:48,161
No, just grab him
by the tail.
446
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:49,914
Sure.
447
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:51,732
Alright, Jack.
Vacation's over, buddy.
448
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:52,953
Okay. Whoa!
449
00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:54,821
Um...
450
00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:56,173
What... what should we do?
451
00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:59,442
Stand your ground.
We'll sneak up from behind.
452
00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:01,476
Ooh... hey mate.
453
00:16:01,569 --> 00:16:02,309
Just like this?
454
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:03,789
G'day. Hello.
455
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:05,698
What's he doing?
456
00:16:08,097 --> 00:16:11,007
Don't mess with me, kangaroo.
I boxed Golden Gloves.
457
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,621
He's got a crazy look
in his eye.
458
00:16:13,624 --> 00:16:14,674
Keep him engaged.
459
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,666
Roger. I'll amp up
the trash talk.
460
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,631
What do you weigh, 140?
Huh?
461
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:19,939
Welterweight's got nothing
on me, Jack.
462
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,325
I'm 160.
463
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:24,028
Wouldn't telling him
your real weight be scarier?
464
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,456
Don't press on my insecurities!
465
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:27,863
He doesn't seem afraid of you.
466
00:16:27,943 --> 00:16:30,823
Oh yeah?
You ready to go? Huh?
467
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:31,815
'Cause I'm ready to go.
468
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,042
Oh!
469
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:37,206
That's gotta hurt, yeah.
You okay?
470
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:40,038
Keep it up,
just a little longer.
471
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,002
Is that all you got?
472
00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:47,052
Oh, mate. Ow, yeah.
Down you go.
473
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,916
Okay. We got him!
474
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:51,231
- Good work, officer.
- See ya, mate.
475
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:53,059
See ya.
476
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:58,147
How you doing down there?
Yeah? You a bit winded?
477
00:16:58,147 --> 00:16:59,237
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
478
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:02,626
Oh! Finally, a signal.
Three bars.
479
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:06,554
She... she wants me
to come over tonight
480
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:09,034
for a quote unquote drink.
481
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:12,548
Holy moly!
The Hot Vet and me!
482
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,340
Knight to queen four!
483
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:17,434
- What?
- It's chess!
484
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:26,613
I can't believe I got my
ass kicked by a kangaroo.
485
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:27,740
Hmm.
486
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,793
Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you.
487
00:17:30,875 --> 00:17:32,265
Crap. I forgot about
the photo shoot.
488
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:38,006
Which I no longer have to do.
489
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,060
Maya's not gonna want
a Christmas card
490
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,888
with this hideous face on it.
491
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:46,666
Everything's coming up Patel.
492
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,744
Uh... by any chance
493
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:16,754
are you someone we work
with's roommate?
494
00:18:16,747 --> 00:18:17,917
The Hot Vet just doesn't seem
like the type
495
00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:20,452
to do something like this.
496
00:18:20,447 --> 00:18:22,137
Collette, Frank.
Her name is Collette.
497
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:25,374
Collette the vet?
That's unfortunate.
498
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:26,925
This is ridiculous.
I'm just gonna call her.
499
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:31,275
Yes.
500
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:34,495
Hello.
501
00:18:34,591 --> 00:18:36,641
Victoria? What are you doing
with Hot Vet's phone?
502
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,294
You tell me.
You're the expert on pranks.
503
00:18:39,988 --> 00:18:41,028
Oh, my God, it was you?
504
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:43,172
Sometimes the children
of the light
505
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:46,165
need to use the methods
of the children of darkness.
506
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,598
The whole time?
507
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:48,654
How does it feel?
508
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:49,946
Bad. It feels
really bad.
509
00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:51,264
Yeah.
510
00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:52,567
But I gotta say,
I'm a little impressed.
511
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:55,483
If I were wearing a cap,
I would tip it to you.
512
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:58,922
Oh, I would love that.
But did you learn anything?
513
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,230
Yes. That I can dish it out
but I absolutely can't take it.
514
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,657
So, will you stop pranking
people so much?
515
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,273
No.
516
00:19:04,273 --> 00:19:06,493
But I will be more vigilant
about not getting gotten myself.
517
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:10,023
And, I don't know when,
it may take years...
518
00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:11,058
but I will retaliate.
519
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:11,852
Can't wait.
520
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:12,756
Goodnight Victoria.
521
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,195
Sucka lucka.
522
00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:17,937
I'm sorry, Delores,
523
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:21,509
that you became a pawn
in Victoria's sick game.
524
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,208
Leave the bottle of wine
and we'll call it even.
525
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:25,691
I don't know.
526
00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:28,083
I had high hopes for this
evening and I splurged.
527
00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:29,339
Okay, what about one glass?
528
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:31,954
That seems fair.
529
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,516
I gotta say,
530
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:39,312
you are being very
not horrible about all this.
531
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:43,089
Hey, can I ask you something?
532
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:45,924
Has Shred ever mentioned
an unusual sports injury?
533
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,230
Oh, you read about
the frozen penis thing
534
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,139
and wanna know if
it still works?
535
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,323
There's been some discussion.
536
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:53,665
Oh, I've asked him.
And it's... a-okay.
537
00:19:53,670 --> 00:19:55,720
And I've seen it.
In the restroom.
538
00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:58,813
It's, and I don't know
how else to describe it...
539
00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:02,458
Gorgeous. It's pristine.
540
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:04,032
Like a renaissance artist
sculpted it
541
00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,288
and then killed himself 'cause
he could do no finer work.
542
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:08,032
God, that guy just glides
through life.
543
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:09,732
The universe is truly garbage.
544
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,651
Would it be unpleasant if I
joined you for a glass?
545
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,038
It would not be unpleasant.
546
00:20:16,954 --> 00:20:18,834
As long as you properly recycle
that bottle.
547
00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:20,959
Did you just make a joke?
548
00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:23,054
Maybe.
549
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,099
I hope the kid likes it.
550
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,615
This is really nice of you.
551
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:30,708
No... it's not
that big a deal.
552
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:31,527
Oh.
553
00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:36,243
No...
554
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:37,980
Okay buddy.
555
00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:38,802
Are you kidding?
556
00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:42,889
You ready to go?
You alright?
557
00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:44,980
- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Okay.
558
00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:48,287
- Whoa!
- What?
559
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,420
Down the street.
560
00:20:52,207 --> 00:20:53,207
Wow.
561
00:20:56,385 --> 00:20:59,945
Frank was right.
It is majestic.
562
00:20:59,954 --> 00:21:02,004
It's beautiful.
563
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:05,527
Um... but also super dangerous
564
00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:08,045
so maybe we should get back
in the car and report it.
565
00:21:08,049 --> 00:21:09,749
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
566
00:21:09,746 --> 00:21:11,266
- We should be fast.
- Oh, my God.
567
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:14,711
To all units...
568
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:18,185
two off-duty officers report
a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive.
569
00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:19,889
Officer Dutch responding.
570
00:21:19,887 --> 00:21:22,237
I am instructing
the reporting officers
571
00:21:22,324 --> 00:21:24,674
to take their fake cougar
and shove it up their-
572
00:21:26,850 --> 00:21:27,900
Over.
573
00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:33,343
No one can know about this.
574
00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:34,985
Obviously.
575
00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:37,339
This was like a one...
one-and-a-half time thing.
576
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:38,729
Obviously.
40849
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