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1
00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:05,899
TANNOY: 'Flight 7031 to Belfast
is now boarding at Gate 15.'
2
00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:09,059
Sorry.'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
aboard this flight to Belfast.
3
00:00:09,060 --> 00:00:14,059
Take your seats as the seatbelt
sign has now been illuminated.'
4
00:00:14,060 --> 00:00:16,140
(SIGHS)
5
00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:23,140
(GROANS)
6
00:00:25,740 --> 00:00:27,900
Fucker bag...
7
00:00:30,380 --> 00:00:32,260
Do you want a hand?
Thank you, sir.
8
00:00:35,780 --> 00:00:38,380
There you go.
9
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,780
Thank you. You're welcome.
10
00:00:48,580 --> 00:00:50,419
I wish we'd've booked
separate flights.
11
00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:52,940
Well, we didn't know we'd
be breaking up, did we?
12
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:56,980
'Cabin crew, seats for takeoff.'
13
00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:00,900
(BABY WAILS)
14
00:01:04,260 --> 00:01:06,299
♪ I was born in Belfast
in the late '80s
15
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,419
♪ My dad got out of jail,
married my ma, made babies
16
00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:12,059
♪ We were good eating Ulster
fries and baked taties
17
00:01:12,060 --> 00:01:14,419
♪ Steak and kidney
pies in glazed gravy
18
00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:17,499
♪ I was a praised baby But saying
that, I haven't been praised lately
19
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:19,059
♪ You know why? Cos...
20
00:01:19,060 --> 00:01:20,819
♪ I was born in Belfast
21
00:01:20,820 --> 00:01:23,059
♪ Hear the shotgun shell blast
22
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:25,539
♪ And your soul's
going to hell fast... ♪
23
00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:27,939
- Seamus!
- Seamus! How was your flight?
24
00:01:27,940 --> 00:01:29,459
Heard about Greenwood's
planned coup?
25
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:32,219
Perfect timing
for the interview!
26
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,779
Can we go somewhere private?
27
00:01:34,780 --> 00:01:36,580
(STORE MUZAK)
28
00:01:37,620 --> 00:01:42,139
Oh, my god! You're
back from London! Ahhh!
29
00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:44,380
Come on!
30
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:48,881
Right! Tell me everything! Go!
31
00:01:48,906 --> 00:01:52,484
God, Gemma, I can't deal with this - right now.
- What's wrong?
32
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,520
What's going on?
33
00:02:00,335 --> 00:02:03,092
Frankie and I broke
up. Oh, I'm sorry.
34
00:02:03,117 --> 00:02:06,859
Yeah. She's gonna post about
it on her socials today.
35
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,019
I've asked her not to do
it till after the show.
36
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:10,260
Oh, good.
37
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:13,299
Why did you break up?
38
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,779
I think that's a very
personal question.
39
00:02:15,780 --> 00:02:18,139
Do you have a drink problem?
Why are you asking that?
40
00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:20,499
Well, his behaviour's
been very erratic lately.
41
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:22,259
He's the talent.
What do you expect?
42
00:02:22,260 --> 00:02:24,539
(TEARFUL SIGH)
43
00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:31,540
Seamus, I know someone who knows
someone who knows Elton John.
44
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,939
I could try and see - No, I'm
not, I'm not an alcoholic.
45
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:38,459
(CLEARS THROAT)
46
00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:40,579
I've been having an affair.
47
00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:44,819
Ohh! I think that's preferable
to alcoholism, isn't it?
48
00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:46,899
That depends. Who did
you have the affair with?
49
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,339
Was it someone on the staff?
No, no. I would never do that.
50
00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:52,540
Thank God. So, who was it?
51
00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:57,379
Well, it's a woman
here in Ireland.
52
00:02:57,380 --> 00:03:00,099
Aw lovely. Like Ballykissangel.
53
00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,699
What age is she? Well,
she's... she's about my age.
54
00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:04,739
Age-appropriate. Phew. Yeah.
55
00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:06,659
Do you think she'll
go to the press? No.
56
00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:08,580
How can you be so sure?
57
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,300
She has her own reasons.
58
00:03:15,159 --> 00:03:18,059
- What happened?
- What are you two doing? There's customers waiting!
59
00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:20,499
- Janet has a boyfriend!
- Seriously? And he's famous
60
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,379
What? And she won't
tell me who it is!
61
00:03:22,380 --> 00:03:24,779
I've been waiting weeks to know!
62
00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:27,699
I was dating a celebrity,
yes... It's over now.
63
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:30,379
Did you know about this?
Janet was dating a celebrity.
64
00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:32,099
Oh, my god! I don't
want to talk about it!
65
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:35,859
Ach, please! We're all dying
to know. Look, look at Jason.
66
00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:38,139
He can barely contain himself!
67
00:03:38,140 --> 00:03:40,739
(STUTTERS) I'll tell youse and then
we'll never talk about it again!
68
00:03:40,740 --> 00:03:44,259
Can I get some service here? We'll
be with you in a minute, sir.
69
00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:47,059
Do you sell them panko breadcrumbs?
Try the World Foods section.
70
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,099
I looked there and
they're not there.
71
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,139
Then we obviously
don't have any. Sorry.
72
00:03:51,140 --> 00:03:53,579
Are youse on strike or what?
Gemma, can you deal with this?
73
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:56,739
No! I want to know the
celebrity! Celebrity?
74
00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:59,499
Is there a celebrity in here?
She was dating a celebrity.
75
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,179
Does everyone in East
Belfast have to know?
76
00:04:01,180 --> 00:04:03,700
Just tell us who it was!
77
00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,900
Seamus O'Hannigan.
78
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,059
Uhhh... Who?
79
00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:10,579
Seamus O'Hannigan. Who is that?
80
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:12,819
Never heard of him.
81
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,740
I love him! Huh?
82
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:29,939
Tim, can I tell you something?
83
00:04:29,940 --> 00:04:31,739
Confidentially. Sure.
84
00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:34,379
It's about the woman I was
having the affair with.
85
00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:37,539
What about the woman you were having - the affair with?
- Fuck!
86
00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:42,459
It all got a bit complicated.
Because of my past.
87
00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:45,459
Oh aye, I see. You know
what I mean, Philip?
88
00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:47,339
I do, aye. Aye. What
was in her past?
89
00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:51,259
I thought you knew? I
thought everybody knew.
90
00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:53,339
I was in the LUV. (CLATTER)
91
00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:55,139
- What?
- What? What were you in?
92
00:04:55,140 --> 00:04:56,579
I thought you knew?
I never knew that!
93
00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:59,420
I thought you were talking
about being a bit of a slapper.
94
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:03,819
Janet was a...
low-list paramilitary.
95
00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:05,579
A terrorist? It
was a long time ago
96
00:05:05,580 --> 00:05:07,659
and her involvement was minimal.
97
00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:11,459
But if it was to come out in the
press, then it could be a problem.
98
00:05:11,460 --> 00:05:14,259
How did you get mixed up with a
bunch of clowns like that, Janet?
99
00:05:14,260 --> 00:05:16,700
Who were they? Ssh ssh ssh!
100
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:21,739
I was young, Philip, I was
stupid. That's no excuse.
101
00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:24,019
Will someone please tell
me who were the LUV?
102
00:05:24,020 --> 00:05:27,145
Don't you mean the UVF? No, they were a
splinter group of the UVF.
103
00:05:27,169 --> 00:05:28,156
Wasn't that the LVF?
104
00:05:28,180 --> 00:05:30,299
No, they splintered from
the UVF with the LVF
105
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:33,099
and then they splintered
from the LVF to form the LUV.
106
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,739
The Loyalist Ulster
Volunteers. AKA The Luvvers.
107
00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:39,459
Why were they called The Luvvers?
Every paramilitary group in Ulster
108
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:42,339
had a nickname. The Official
IRA were the Stickies.
109
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:45,940
The UDA were The
Wombles. We were the...
110
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:47,739
We were The Luvvers.
111
00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:49,819
It was a long time ago.
She's served her time.
112
00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:51,979
She was in prison for
three years. Three years?
113
00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:53,500
(LOW CHATTER)
114
00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:59,139
Isn't Irish terrorism
a bit passe these days?
115
00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:02,580
I mean, you know if she was a
member of ISIS, I'd be worried.
116
00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:05,459
So, you were against
the peace process?
117
00:06:05,460 --> 00:06:09,219
As I recall, the LUV thought
the Good Friday Agreement
118
00:06:09,220 --> 00:06:12,482
was a compromise too far
with Irish Republicanism.
119
00:06:12,507 --> 00:06:15,267
- Am I right, Janet?
- I didn't think anything! I was just angry!
120
00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:19,939
Well, look, at least now we'll
be prepared if it does come out.
121
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:21,099
Oh, it won't come out.
122
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:23,099
But I do think we should...
"Reach out", as they say,
123
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:25,859
to HR and Legal.
124
00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:28,739
Especially given Frankie's - announcement.
- Yes. But don't worry.
125
00:06:28,740 --> 00:06:31,900
It'll all be fine.
It will. (CHUCKLES)
126
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:37,940
Do you wanna take a day off?
127
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:40,580
No, I don't want
to be on my own.
128
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:57,859
Look, you can't blame him
for reacting the way he did.
129
00:06:57,860 --> 00:06:59,979
Why are you taking his side?
130
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,980
Oh, come on, I'm not taking
his side, I'm on your side.
131
00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:07,260
Nobody's ever on my side.
132
00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:11,539
Give him a chance.
133
00:07:11,540 --> 00:07:15,019
He's English He doesn't know
what we went through here.
134
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:18,019
He just needs a bit of time.
135
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:21,139
Time... For what?
136
00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:23,059
To get over it. To
come back to you.
137
00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:25,419
I don't want him
back! Are you sure?
138
00:07:25,420 --> 00:07:28,979
Because these past few weeks are
the happiest I've ever seen you.
139
00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:34,859
Happiness? Who wants
that, huh? Urgh!
140
00:07:34,860 --> 00:07:36,460
Love? Who needs it?
141
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:46,819
I was just really
angry with him.
142
00:07:46,820 --> 00:07:49,340
The way he looked at me
like I was a piece of shit.
143
00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:55,130
But... are you not meant to be - a Christian?
- Yeah.
144
00:07:55,940 --> 00:07:57,700
So, forgive him.
145
00:07:58,740 --> 00:08:01,859
It's not as simple as that.
146
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:03,580
Janet.
147
00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:06,819
You are a fucking nightmare.
148
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,059
You are the worst
employee I've ever had.
149
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:11,739
I was on beta blockers for
three months 'cause of you.
150
00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:14,499
And poor Jason's terrified to
speak when he's around you.
151
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,179
But I forgave you.
152
00:08:17,180 --> 00:08:19,180
And I'm not even a
fucking Christian!
153
00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:22,619
Everyone here forgives you
154
00:08:22,620 --> 00:08:24,379
and shows you love and patience.
155
00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:26,820
It's about bloody
time you did the same.
156
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:33,820
And plus, your fella's a
fucking ride, so he is.
157
00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:35,780
Hm...
158
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:43,939
(WISTFUL PIANO)
159
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,980
(PHONE PINGS)
160
00:08:47,780 --> 00:08:48,860
♪ Shine a little light
161
00:08:50,620 --> 00:08:52,460
♪ On me
162
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,740
♪ Lord knows, I need some now
163
00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:01,860
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
164
00:09:16,340 --> 00:09:20,260
♪ So shine a little
light on me... ♪
165
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:31,659
I've decided... I
have to forgive you.
166
00:09:31,660 --> 00:09:34,699
Forgive me? Yeah.
167
00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,979
You forgive ME? Yes.
168
00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:38,699
OK...
169
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:42,659
And then maybe, maybe,
there's still a possibility.
170
00:09:42,660 --> 00:09:45,019
A possibility of what?
171
00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:46,700
This.
172
00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:49,259
Me and you. Maybe.
173
00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:51,779
That's why you wanted to meet,
to tell me that you forgive me?
174
00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:54,059
No, I don't, I
don't forgive you.
175
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:57,380
But I will eventually have
to TRY to forgive you.
176
00:09:58,460 --> 00:10:01,419
I don't want your fucking
forgiveness! I've done nothing wrong!
177
00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:02,620
You were the terrorist!
178
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:08,819
D'you wanna keep your voice down?
You waited till I'd left my partner.
179
00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:11,019
Yes. And I'm sorry. But don't
call me a terrorist again.
180
00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:13,499
Or what? You'll blow me up?
181
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:14,540
Hah!
182
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:20,379
You have no ide... You have
no idea how ashamed I am.
183
00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:22,819
Pff... This country, it
fucking fucks up your head.
184
00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:28,020
And you'll never understand because
you didn't know what it was like here.
185
00:10:28,980 --> 00:10:31,099
I do understand.
186
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:33,579
Cos my mother - Oh, my god!
187
00:10:33,580 --> 00:10:36,739
Your fucking ma again, Seamus!
188
00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:39,539
I know your mammy was from Ireland
and you think that makes you Irish.
189
00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:40,939
It doesn't. You
didn't grow up here,
190
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:42,659
you don't know what it was like.
191
00:10:42,660 --> 00:10:44,820
And you have no
right to judge me.
192
00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:48,259
I wasn't gonna say
my mother was Irish.
193
00:10:48,260 --> 00:10:51,340
I was gonna say my mother...
194
00:10:53,780 --> 00:10:56,860
My mother was driven out
of Belfast by the UVF.
195
00:10:57,860 --> 00:11:00,859
Because she was
pregnant with me.
196
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:05,139
Cos her boyfriend, my
father, was Catholic.
197
00:11:05,140 --> 00:11:08,459
So they threatened to
kill her if she stayed.
198
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:12,140
So don't tell me that
I-I don't understand.
199
00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:16,179
Yeah, because of the Troubles,
because of this sectarian bullshit,
200
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:17,860
my mother's life was hell.
201
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:23,900
And I never met my father.
I have no idea who I am.
202
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:30,100
People like you, you don't
know the damage that you do.
203
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:34,979
You're not a victim of
the Troubles, Janet.
204
00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:36,260
You're a criminal.
205
00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:48,500
My father was killed by the IRA.
206
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:55,580
And it happened in front
of me. In our living room.
207
00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:02,340
I was... I was fucking five.
208
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:29,900
I wish you'd told me before.
209
00:12:41,780 --> 00:12:43,380
(SNIFFLES)
210
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:54,860
(PHONE RINGS)
211
00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:11,420
(PHONE PINGS) Fuck!
212
00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:16,779
The producers have noticed
that I'm not there.
213
00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:19,019
I better get back, otherwise
my career really is over.
214
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,580
(CLEARS THROAT)
215
00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:25,900
That's the most important thing
here, isn't it? Your career.
216
00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:29,860
Yeah. Yeah, it is, actually.
217
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:34,859
Wow. You're such a big
man with a big job.
218
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:37,459
Famous Seamus.
219
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:40,739
You know the only reason why you do
it is to make yourself feel special.
220
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:43,379
You're not special. Yeah...
221
00:13:43,380 --> 00:13:45,659
You're nobody, Seamus.
You've nothing.
222
00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:47,019
You've no parents.
That's right.
223
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:49,700
No girlfriend, no God. Yeah.
224
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:54,140
Nothing. Yeah. I'm nothing.
225
00:13:56,660 --> 00:14:01,979
There's fucking nothing inside
me. All I care about is myself!
226
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:04,059
And that's how I like it!
227
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:07,540
Now fuck off back to your
supermarket, cos I have a show to do!
228
00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:25,219
Fuck it!
229
00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:29,779
♪ Ask yourself if you are happy
230
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,779
♪ Then you cease to be
231
00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:36,539
♪ That's a tip from you
to me... (PHONE RINGS)
232
00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:40,099
'Seamus? It's Ndidi.
Where the fuck are you?'
233
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,620
♪ I don't ask myself
for nothing anymore
234
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:54,180
♪ My peace is freedom
for the masses
235
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:57,139
♪ The masses cannot see
236
00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:59,780
♪ That's a tip from them to me
237
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:05,020
♪ And now I know for sure
238
00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:08,980
♪ I don't need nobody's
help now anymore ♪
239
00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:21,379
Sorry for leaving. I had to go.
Forget that, there's no time.
240
00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:24,579
So, after the paper review, we're
gonna go straight into the segment
241
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:26,619
about the rail workers'
strike in Tunbridge Wells.
242
00:15:26,620 --> 00:15:29,059
From there... Then straight
into The Chancellor.
243
00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:31,379
And you need to press him
on this leadership rumour.
244
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:33,299
He's been stabbing the
Prime Minister in the back.
245
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,779
- You nail him on that.
- Frankie hasn't announced the break-up yet?
246
00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:37,579
We've got someone
keeping an eye on that.
247
00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:40,899
If it does come out, you might wanna
think about any dirt you have on Frankie.
248
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,059
Dirt? Dirt's too
strong a word,
249
00:15:43,060 --> 00:15:45,780
but anything you can use to deflect
attention from you back onto her.
250
00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:49,499
This isn't why I did journalism.
I wanna speak truth to power,
251
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,819
not destroy the lives
of the people I love!
252
00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:54,979
Let's get you into make-up.
253
00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:59,499
- Hi, Katie.
- I'm only gonna have time for blemishes.
254
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,140
It's in.
255
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:04,779
Oh, no! - What?
- What?
256
00:16:04,780 --> 00:16:06,819
Frankie's released
her statement. And?
257
00:16:06,820 --> 00:16:08,779
It's actually quite nice.
Then why say, "Oh, no"?
258
00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:11,379
I saw one negative comment - on Twitter.
- Saying what?
259
00:16:11,380 --> 00:16:13,939
Worry about it later. Which
particular negative comment?
260
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,139
His "performative wokeness"
261
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,859
or the one about his
"posturing male feminism"?
262
00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:19,979
Stop reading them out loud!
263
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:23,339
Oh, no. No, no, no,
no! I can't do this!
264
00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:25,579
I need time to think.
I can't go on live TV.
265
00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:28,059
I'm being publicly humiliated!
266
00:16:28,060 --> 00:16:30,619
Let's just take a
breath. Breathe with me.
267
00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:32,700
(INHALES)
268
00:16:33,940 --> 00:16:36,859
(ALL INHALING AND EXHALING)
It's all gonna be fine.
269
00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:39,499
You're in the spotlight,
Greenwood's in the spotlight.
270
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:42,019
Which means more attention,
more viewers, more engagement.
271
00:16:42,020 --> 00:16:44,139
That's what we want.
Isn't it? New pages.
272
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,099
Tim!
273
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:48,699
Oh, sorry! You've
despatched the mistress
274
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,059
and now you just need to
despatch the Chancellor
275
00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:53,099
with the same joie de vivre.
276
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,259
I feel like a fake.
Like I'm not really me.
277
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:58,339
You ARE you. You're a
world-class broadcaster.
278
00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:01,259
You're Seamus O'Hannigan! I'm
not. It's not even my real name!
279
00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:02,620
Sorry?
280
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:07,739
Ah! Here he is.
Seamus O'Hannigan!
281
00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:10,339
Chancellor.
- Great to see you again. - Likewise.
282
00:17:10,340 --> 00:17:12,740
Sir Rupert, can we go
through the running order?
283
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:19,620
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
284
00:17:26,540 --> 00:17:28,340
(APPLAUSE DIES DOWN)
285
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:36,339
(DEEP BREATH) 'OK,
going in 30 seconds.'
286
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:39,819
(TINNY FEEDBACK) Does he
look a bit sweaty to you?
287
00:17:39,820 --> 00:17:42,740
(ECHOEY BLURT OF
VOICES) 'Ten seconds.'
288
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:44,779
(EXHALES)
289
00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:46,700
(HIGH-PITCHED TONE)
290
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,379
'Don't be nervous...'
'Five. Four...'
291
00:17:50,380 --> 00:17:54,539
Nerves are for dickheads.
So, if you're nervous...
292
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:55,820
'One.'
293
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,580
Seamus, you can do this.
294
00:18:13,140 --> 00:18:15,339
Good afternoon! A tough
week for the Prime Minister
295
00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:19,059
as he comes under pressure over
the controversial Helsinki Treaty.
296
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:22,059
We'll be talking live to the
Chancellor of the Exchequer,
297
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:26,419
Sir Rupert
Greenwood. (EXHALES)
298
00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:29,500
Everything's going to
be absolutely fine.
299
00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:37,299
Is that him? He's actually hot.
300
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,419
I thought he'd be like a wee
short skinny funny-looking nerd.
301
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:41,980
No offence, Jason.
302
00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,779
'But is there widespread
support in the community
303
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,739
for this industrial action?'
304
00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:52,220
We went to Tunbridge
Wells to find out more.
305
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,619
Thank you.
306
00:18:56,620 --> 00:19:02,339
So, er, it seems we're both the subject
of scurrilous internet gossip today.
307
00:19:02,340 --> 00:19:07,740
(CHUCKLES) Can I, um, can I tell
you something, in confidence?
308
00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:12,339
The rumours are true. I am
planning to oust the PM.
309
00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:14,899
Sir Rupert, I'm not sure you
should be telling me this now.
310
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:21,179
Should I be successful, I want YOU to
come and be my Director of Communications.
311
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:24,219
You know, the sort of
Campbell to my Blair.
312
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:27,339
You know, the Ingham
to my Thatcher.
313
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:28,899
The Goebbels to my...
314
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:30,780
Oh, how kind of you. Thank
you very much indeed.
315
00:19:31,660 --> 00:19:35,019
And for the record, your private
life's no concern of mine.
316
00:19:35,020 --> 00:19:37,620
I mean, we've all got skeletons,
haven't we? (CHUCKLES)
317
00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:44,139
'And we're on in five,
four. Three, two, one...'
318
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:46,179
Where is Janet anyway?
319
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:48,019
Maybe she's in the
TV studio with him!
320
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,779
Oh aye. She could be.
321
00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:52,739
She'd be in the audience.
322
00:19:52,740 --> 00:19:55,900
Or maybe even backstage!
323
00:19:56,580 --> 00:19:58,299
Oh! Hello, Janet1
324
00:19:58,300 --> 00:19:59,699
'..than here in
Northern Ireland!'
325
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,419
'I'm sorry, I'm gonna
stop you there...'
326
00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:04,340
Sorry. This is too exciting.
327
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:06,619
Let me speak.
328
00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:08,779
I'm not gonna let you
hijack this programme
329
00:20:08,780 --> 00:20:10,899
to suit your own personal ends.
330
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:14,019
With respect, Chancellor, you've backed
this Prime Minister for five years.
331
00:20:14,020 --> 00:20:15,779
And now you're gonna
stab him in the back
332
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,299
to further your own career?
333
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:21,059
Why should the British
public trust a liar?
334
00:20:21,060 --> 00:20:22,739
Why should the
public trust a snake?
335
00:20:22,740 --> 00:20:23,979
(ALL GASP) The public...
336
00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:27,899
This is the best he's ever
been. Fucking brilliant!
337
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,059
Tell us what we all know,
338
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:30,979
which is that you never
thought he was any good,
339
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:33,179
you never supported him
and that you want his job!
340
00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:36,379
The Prime Minister has my full - support.
- That simply isn't true.
341
00:20:36,380 --> 00:20:39,699
I am not interested in
what journalists like you,
342
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:41,299
stuck in your Westminster
bubble, think.
343
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:46,139
I'm interested in what the average worker
on the shop floor of Belfast thinks.
344
00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:48,339
I'm interested in what
ordinary people —I'm sorry.
345
00:20:48,340 --> 00:20:50,179
Why do you insist on — I
want this government to -
346
00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:52,499
Why do you insist on — I want
this government —All lies.
347
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:57,979
To speak for and represent the
needs and wishes of ordinary people!
348
00:20:57,980 --> 00:21:00,179
Oh, fuck off! (AUDIENCE GASPS)
349
00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:02,819
No, no, I'm sorry, I'm not
listening to this bollocks.
350
00:21:02,820 --> 00:21:06,659
Ordinary people! You don't give
a fuck about ordinary people!
351
00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:10,540
Is this actually happening?
This is better than Bake Off.
352
00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:13,499
I know about
ordinary people, OK?
353
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:16,019
I... I used to be
an ordinary person.
354
00:21:16,020 --> 00:21:17,339
My mum was an ordinary person.
355
00:21:17,340 --> 00:21:22,379
But I got... I got fucked up
by all this celebrity bollocks.
356
00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:23,700
(GASPS AND LAUGHTER)
357
00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:28,859
(TENSE MUSIC BUILDS)
358
00:21:28,860 --> 00:21:33,579
Well, I AM interested in
what ordinary people think.
359
00:21:33,580 --> 00:21:36,099
Which is why you're leaving me
for a fucking shop assistant.
360
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:37,859
I want this government...
361
00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:39,059
Would you let me tell the story?
362
00:21:39,060 --> 00:21:40,739
To represent the views...
363
00:21:40,740 --> 00:21:43,059
She's so fucking
boring! And wishes...
364
00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:46,580
Now fuck off back to your
supermarket! of ordinary people!
365
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:50,220
Hi. (MUSIC STOPS)
366
00:21:53,540 --> 00:21:55,979
Well, you're right about
one thing, Sir Rupert.
367
00:21:55,980 --> 00:22:00,260
You and I do live in a
bubble. Well, fuck the bubble!
368
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:04,179
I'm bursting the fucking bubble.
369
00:22:04,180 --> 00:22:07,619
(AUDIENCE GASPS AND MURMURS) That's
five fucks in less than one minute.
370
00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:09,700
And two bollocks.
371
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:13,340
(DRUM ROLL)
372
00:22:16,740 --> 00:22:19,180
Janet...
373
00:22:20,620 --> 00:22:23,140
If you're watching this, um,
374
00:22:24,740 --> 00:22:27,019
I'm sorry for everything I said.
375
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:28,259
Aww!
376
00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:31,260
'I was wrong. Just so wrong.'
377
00:22:32,460 --> 00:22:34,580
I take it all back.
378
00:22:35,540 --> 00:22:37,420
I don't want this life anymore.
379
00:22:39,980 --> 00:22:41,260
I want you.
380
00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:48,540
Bloody cable. Er...
381
00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:54,180
♪ THE VELVET UNDERGROUND:
Stephanie Says
382
00:22:57,380 --> 00:22:59,539
I've never had that
happen before! Oh, God.
383
00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:04,179
♪ Why she's given half her
life to people she hates now...
384
00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:06,699
So, she mustn't be there?
385
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:09,739
Well, where is she? She's missing
the biggest moment of her life.
386
00:23:09,740 --> 00:23:11,619
Maybe she came back here!
Well, go and find her!
387
00:23:11,620 --> 00:23:14,859
Hey, guys, there's a
wee bit of a queue...
388
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:17,099
For fuck's sake, not now, Jason!
389
00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:19,379
♪ What country shall I say...
390
00:23:19,380 --> 00:23:22,819
Please, Seamus! Think
about what you're doing!
391
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:25,460
No! Get back on that set!
392
00:23:26,540 --> 00:23:27,699
Ndidi, you don't understand.
393
00:23:27,700 --> 00:23:29,779
No, fuck that. You
listen to me for once.
394
00:23:29,780 --> 00:23:32,059
Seamus, for six weeks, I
have put up with your shit
395
00:23:32,060 --> 00:23:33,819
and I can't take it anymore.
396
00:23:33,820 --> 00:23:36,219
There is more at stake
here than your love life,
397
00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:39,739
than the whims of your no
doubt microscopic penis!
398
00:23:39,740 --> 00:23:42,019
What about me? What
about the crew?
399
00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:45,419
What about all the
people watching at home?
400
00:23:45,420 --> 00:23:49,100
Be a fucking professional
and get back on that set now!
401
00:23:50,740 --> 00:23:51,980
Ndidi, I'm sorry.
402
00:23:53,660 --> 00:23:57,860
I have to go. ♪ They're
asking is it good or bad
403
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:06,179
♪ It's such an icy feeling
404
00:24:06,180 --> 00:24:14,180
♪ It's so cold in Alaska ♪
405
00:24:23,620 --> 00:24:27,179
Janet, if you get this message,
can you please ring me back,
406
00:24:27,180 --> 00:24:29,380
just to let us know
you're alright, love, OK?
407
00:24:30,900 --> 00:24:32,539
No-one's seen her.
Must have gone home.
408
00:24:32,540 --> 00:24:34,619
You don't think
she's gone to - What?
409
00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:38,459
Well, she has a history of -
Don't say it! Don't even think it!
410
00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:40,539
I'll try her again. We
should call the police!
411
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:42,459
No, I need you to help
me with wee Jason.
412
00:24:42,460 --> 00:24:46,019
We have to go to her house! We
have to go and break down the door!
413
00:24:46,020 --> 00:24:48,121
- Oh, Janet!
- Where the hell were you?
414
00:24:48,145 --> 00:24:49,746
I was out the back.
415
00:24:52,176 --> 00:24:54,699
Alright. Jason, I'm coming.
Stop being so fucking needy!
416
00:24:54,700 --> 00:24:58,299
Janet you will never
guess what just happened!
417
00:24:58,300 --> 00:25:00,859
Please don't point
your banana at me, sir.
418
00:25:00,860 --> 00:25:02,619
Jason, don't cry!
419
00:25:02,620 --> 00:25:05,219
And then he just stood up
and left the interview,
420
00:25:05,220 --> 00:25:07,660
and me and Philip were
like this... Waaah!
421
00:25:08,660 --> 00:25:12,299
Listen, everyone. We have a bit
of a situation. Let me explain.
422
00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:17,179
We're at sixes and
sevens today because...
423
00:25:17,180 --> 00:25:21,899
a celebrity declared his
love for that woman...
424
00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:26,619
live on TV and we've been dealing with
the repercussions of that all day.
425
00:25:26,620 --> 00:25:31,539
The celebrity is a politics
guy called Seamus O'Hannigan.
426
00:25:31,540 --> 00:25:34,179
Who's that? Who's he?
427
00:25:34,180 --> 00:25:37,339
Let's just get her and her
fella back together again
428
00:25:37,340 --> 00:25:40,699
and then youse can all carry
on with your shopping, alright?
429
00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:42,659
Who says I want to get
back together with him?
430
00:25:42,660 --> 00:25:46,099
You better make
your mind up. Why?
431
00:25:46,100 --> 00:25:49,740
Cos he's standing outside.
432
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:02,620
(SOFT MUSIC)
433
00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:16,539
You won't believe what just
happened. I just, um...
434
00:26:16,540 --> 00:26:18,459
I just left a live interview
with the Chancellor.
435
00:26:18,460 --> 00:26:20,979
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
436
00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:23,419
I thought you didn't watch my
show? I don't. Gemma told me.
437
00:26:23,420 --> 00:26:25,819
(MUSIC HALTS) Hi. I'm Gemma.
438
00:26:25,820 --> 00:26:29,339
I'd never heard of you before this
morning, but already, big fan.
439
00:26:29,340 --> 00:26:32,179
OK. Hiya, I'm Philip.
440
00:26:32,180 --> 00:26:33,339
(MOUTHS)
441
00:26:33,340 --> 00:26:36,100
(SQUEALS) - Come away, Gemma.
- OK.
442
00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:42,899
Look, I'm sorry for what
I said. No. I'm sorry.
443
00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:45,619
I-I was talking about myself.
I'm the one who's nothing.
444
00:26:45,620 --> 00:26:48,300
No. No you're not nothing.
You, you're everything.
445
00:26:50,620 --> 00:26:52,620
You're the first person
who's ever been on my side.
446
00:26:58,980 --> 00:27:00,380
We can't do this. Why not?
447
00:27:01,340 --> 00:27:04,019
Seamus, I love you. I love
you too! We CAN do this!
448
00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:06,339
But I'm a fucking car crash!
I wreck everything I touch!
449
00:27:06,340 --> 00:27:10,619
I don't care! Wreck me!
Desecrate me. I don't care.
450
00:27:10,620 --> 00:27:13,099
Sorry. Can I ask you something?
451
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:16,939
I read online that you interviewed
Matthew McConaughey last year?
452
00:27:16,940 --> 00:27:20,420
And I was just wondering, do you
have a number or an email for him
453
00:27:21,660 --> 00:27:23,379
that you could pass on
to me? Jesus Christ!
454
00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:26,379
Why don't you just let them
kiss, man? Fuckin' hell!
455
00:27:26,380 --> 00:27:28,220
Could you take this?
456
00:27:30,340 --> 00:27:32,260
(MUSIC SWELLS)
457
00:27:34,020 --> 00:27:36,539
(CUSTOMERS BURST INTO APPLAUSE)
458
00:27:36,540 --> 00:27:38,740
(CHEERING)
459
00:27:43,220 --> 00:27:46,019
Alright everybody, let's go back
inside and finish your shopping.
460
00:27:46,020 --> 00:27:48,460
There's a two-for-one
offer on chicken legs!
461
00:27:56,700 --> 00:27:59,260
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
462
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:04,460
So, er, what do you wanna do?
463
00:28:07,780 --> 00:28:09,659
Janet can you come back
in and finish your shift?
464
00:28:09,660 --> 00:28:11,899
I wouldn't normally insist,
but we're so busy, huh?
465
00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:13,499
Yeah, I'll be in in a minute.
466
00:28:13,500 --> 00:28:15,659
Wait, are you actually
going to go back into work?
467
00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:19,219
Yeah, I have to finish my shift.
I just gave up my career for you!
468
00:28:19,220 --> 00:28:20,899
I'll only be an
hour. Wait, so what,
469
00:28:20,900 --> 00:28:23,460
what am I supposed to do
while you're in there?
470
00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:28,459
Why don't you stand at the
window and watch me work
471
00:28:28,460 --> 00:28:30,939
and then thank your lucky
stars you ever met me?
472
00:28:30,940 --> 00:28:32,540
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
473
00:28:37,820 --> 00:28:39,860
Excuse me. Sorry.
474
00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:47,940
♪ Midnight Train to Georgia
475
00:29:04,100 --> 00:29:05,980
I didn't know you were Scottish.
476
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:09,059
Aye.
477
00:29:09,060 --> 00:29:10,899
♪ Said he's going back to find
478
00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:13,059
(PHONE PINGS)
479
00:29:13,060 --> 00:29:15,219
♪ Going back to find
480
00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,100
(GASPS) What is it?
481
00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:20,779
We have to tell them!
482
00:29:20,780 --> 00:29:22,739
Say nothing!
483
00:29:22,740 --> 00:29:26,739
♪ Not so long ago
484
00:29:26,740 --> 00:29:28,779
Alright?
485
00:29:28,780 --> 00:29:31,899
♪ He's leaving ♪ (Leaving)
486
00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:33,860
♪ On that midnight
train to Georgia
487
00:29:35,060 --> 00:29:36,780
♪ (Leaving on a midnight train)
488
00:29:38,780 --> 00:29:40,979
It's actually quite stressful.
489
00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:44,379
Do you know what these are for?
490
00:29:44,380 --> 00:29:47,619
♪ To a simpler place and time
♪ (Whenever he takes that ride)
491
00:29:47,620 --> 00:29:50,019
♪ Oh, yes he is ♪ (Guess who's
gonna be right by his side)
492
00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:52,179
♪ And I'll be with him
♪ (I know you will)
493
00:29:52,180 --> 00:29:54,140
♪ On that midnight
train to Georgia
494
00:29:56,380 --> 00:29:58,899
♪ (Leavin' on that
midnight train to Georgia)
495
00:29:58,900 --> 00:30:00,859
♪ Oh, yeah-eah-eah
496
00:30:00,860 --> 00:30:02,500
♪ I'd rather live in his world
497
00:30:04,740 --> 00:30:06,379
♪ Than live without him in mine
498
00:30:06,380 --> 00:30:13,619
♪ (Her world is his,
his and hers alone) ♪
499
00:30:13,620 --> 00:30:15,780
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk
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