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♪ CMAT: Mayday ♪
♪ What time were you born?
2
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:06,119
♪ I'm bored again
And thinking of you
3
00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:09,639
(KEYBOARD CLACKING) ♪
And wishing you were home
4
00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,400
♪ Hello?
5
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,799
(PHONE CHIMES) ♪ Wish
I could see the stars
6
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,799
♪ We'd look upon
the same ones, baby
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00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,879
♪ The city makes it hard
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00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,640
♪ Although
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00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,959
♪ I saw that Portugal's on fire
10
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,239
♪ Woo-oh
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00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,359
♪ And Mississippi's
underwater, too
12
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:33,639
(PHONE CHIMES)
13
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:37,199
♪ But all that I M-I-S-S is you
14
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,559
♪ There's nothing
that I can do- ♪
15
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,679
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Are
you ready to order food?
16
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,479
Er, no, no, no, thanks.
17
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:46,079
I'm, erm, waiting
on my... cousin.
18
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,120
Hmm. Just a glass
of red wine, please.
19
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,359
(DOG SNARLS, BARKS)
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Alright.
21
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What?
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(CHUCKLES)
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00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,040
(PHONE CHIMES, MESSAGE SWOOPS)
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(UPBEAT MUSIC)
25
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,800
(PHONE CHIMES, MESSAGE SWOOPS)
26
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,440
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
27
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,360
(PHONE CHIMES)
28
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(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
(CLEARS THROAT)
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OK...
30
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(MUSIC RESUMES)
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(CLEARS THROAT)
32
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Here you go-Oh!(MESSAGE SWOOPS) - - Sorry! Thank you.
- Sorry! - Thank you.
33
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(MESSAGE POPS)
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(CROSSING BEEPS) Hmm?
35
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No public shows of affection.
36
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,880
Erm... Oh.
37
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:59,239
So, why do you want
to eat my pudding?
38
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,640
What?
39
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,799
Oh, no. Pussy! I want
to eat your pussy!
40
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,359
Today's special is,
erm, chicken. Thanks.
41
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Thanks.
42
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,279
(SNICKERS, THEN LAUGHS)
43
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Bloody auto-correct!
44
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See, he dropped us off
in the middle of nowhere,
45
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we had to fucking
get out and walk.
46
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Shall we get more wine?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
47
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,359
I-I can't be hungover tomorrow.
48
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,919
I've got this interview with
the Shadow Home Secreta-
49
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,959
Oh, fuck it, go on then.
It's only lunchtime.
50
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,239
Did you catch my interview
with Nisha Anand?
51
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,439
No, not yet. Really
good engagement
52
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,999
across all the platforms.
- Hmmm. - Social media was-
53
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,879
But I only want to
talk about you today.
54
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,359
Do you, aye? I hardly
know anything about you.
55
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,519
I know that you work
in a supermarket
56
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,319
and that you murdered
your ex-husband...
57
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,799
I sometimes I wish I had. Why?
58
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,639
Oh, let's not talk about that.
59
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,639
You're so infuriating! What?
60
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,039
You complain that I never ask
you anything about yourself
61
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,679
and then when I do,
you evade the question!
62
00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,679
Why are you so secretive?
What are you hiding?
63
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,719
- Nothing!
- Grr, tell me something about yourself! Anything!
64
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,159
I don't know what to tell you!
What's your favourite movie?
65
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:06,519
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
66
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,919
Really? Yeah, I love horror.
67
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,839
Ooh. I don't think
I like horror.
68
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,919
My whole life's
been a horror film.
69
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,239
I feel like my life's been
a sort of tasteful noughties
70
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:19,159
US indie flick with a
soundtrack by Fleet Foxes.
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00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,719
I don't know who they are. They're
this folk band from Seattle.
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00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,039
They do baroque-chamber,
harmony-I didn't ask, Seamus.
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00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,199
Sorry. (BOTH LAUGH)
74
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,279
No, it's just my life's so
boring compared to yours.
75
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:30,439
Oh, I don't believe that.
76
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,359
You hang out with movie
stars and world leaders.
77
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,279
Well, someone famous must
have come into your shop?
78
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,759
D'you know David Beckham? David
Beckham's been in your shop?
79
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,199
No, but a fella who looks
a wee bit like him did.
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00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,759
(LAUGHS) He did!
81
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,120
He was just like David Beckham but
he had psoriasis and an overbite.
82
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,719
Oh, and I once sold
Ian Paisley a Twix.
83
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,799
(LAUGHS) It's true.
84
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,919
Seriously. Wait, wait...
85
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(AS IAN PAISLEY) I DEMAND A
TWIX! BRING ME A TWIX NOW!
86
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,399
Shut up! You can't do that here!
I'm gonna do the other side now.
87
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,919
(BELFAST ACCENT)
I'm from the IRA
88
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,480
and I've planted a bomb
in this here restaurant.
89
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,759
Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm
not actually from the IRA.
90
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,639
I'm-I'm from North
London. (SNICKERS)
91
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,680
Can I get the bill, please?
92
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,679
Ian Paisley was a dangerous
right wing religious fanatic.
93
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,519
Yeah, OK, but he did speak out for
this community when it felt like
94
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,639
the whole world was ignoring
us. No, no, no, no, no, no!
95
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,719
I'm not having sex with you if
you start defending Ian Paisley.
96
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,359
You're just jealous because
Paisley is more famous than you.
97
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,319
(SCOFFS)
98
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,039
OK, look I know it's some big
joke to you that I'm "not famous"
99
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,719
but surely, by now,
you've googled me
100
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,319
and you are aware-Googled you?!
101
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,679
I think you'll find that, er,
I've got better things to do
102
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,999
with my time than google
you! Unlike you, I'm not...
103
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,280
OBSESSED with Seamus O'Hannigan.
104
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,399
And anyway, who says
we're gonna have sex?
105
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,759
Oh well, that's...
106
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,000
that's what we agreed last week.
107
00:05:55,360 --> 00:06:00,439
I no longer accept the
validity of that agreement.
108
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,759
Wait! Wait, wait, wait. OK,
I'm just gonna pop in here.
109
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,759
Won't be a minute and then
we are going to do this!
110
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,999
Don't move, don't go
anywhere. (SHOPKEEPERS BICKER)
111
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,879
Now there's a customer and you've
fucking embarrassed us, well done!
112
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,879
You embarrass yourself by
existing, you fucking ignoramus.
113
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,959
(DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS)
114
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,440
Right, what can I get
ya, Robert Redford?
115
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,279
Er, I'm after some
condoms, please.
116
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,399
You getting your
hole tonight, aye?
117
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,000
Mm? You, er...
118
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,160
doin' a lot of aul' ridin'?
119
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,519
Oh, I'm gonna pay by card...
120
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,760
if...? (TOILET FLUSHES)
121
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,719
Are you in, er, luv?
122
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:42,920
Oh, no. We're just friends.
No, no. I mean L-U-V.
123
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,239
What's going on?
124
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,719
Sorry, I'm just trying
to buy some condoms.
125
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,079
Don't have any. Yeah,
you do. I can see them.
126
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,320
He's a friend of Janet's.
127
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,920
On the house.
128
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,559
Thanks.
129
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,879
Yo, Blondie.
130
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,919
Don't fuck her about.
131
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,520
Right?
132
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,840
(SIREN WAILS)
133
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,199
That was really fucking weird.
134
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,479
Do... Do you know those people?
135
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,640
Oh, Maggie and Charlie, yeah.
136
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,439
Why, what'd they say to you?
137
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:34,239
Something about
"getting my hole"?
138
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,279
Ah, that's just the Belfast way
of saying "have a nice day".
139
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,239
And about being in
love? Being in love?
140
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,719
Yeah except he spelt it "L-U-V".
141
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,719
What's that about? Er...
142
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,640
Dunno. Charlie's an oddball.
143
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,360
Maggie's nice like. She
wasn't very nice to me.
144
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,199
Yeah well, she doesn't
really like men.
145
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,719
Or English people.
146
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,000
Or anyone really.
147
00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,999
Well, she made me
feel uncomfortable.
148
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,159
She's dead on once you
get to know her, you know.
149
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,719
She goes to my church.
150
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,199
Your church? Yeah.
151
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,919
You go to church?
152
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,359
Yeah. You're not a
Christian, are you?
153
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,639
Yes. Fuck off! (LAUGHS)
154
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,159
I am a Christian! You're like the
least Christian person I know!
155
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,119
I am a fucking Christian! See!
156
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,599
Yeah, well, I-I try not to swear,
but it's hard when I'm arguing
157
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,040
with stupid atheist
dickheads like you.
158
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,719
Well, yeah, I mean, y-you're very
intelligent so I-I assumed...
159
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,199
Here we go. Cause I work in a supermarket
I'm stupid and I don't understand science?
160
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,839
No, no, no! That's not what I'm
saying. I'm saying the opposite-
161
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:38,399
Because I don't have a 2:2 from Oxford, like
you, I don't know what I'm talking about?
162
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,279
How do you know I've
got a 2:2 from Oxford?
163
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,560
Because... I
fucking googled you!
164
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,760
So, I did.
165
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,639
No, look... (GRUNTS)
166
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,479
I'm saying the opposite,
I'm saying, if you listen,
167
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,759
I'm saying you're intelligent
168
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,639
so you've obviously
thought about this
169
00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,279
and well... (SIGHS)
170
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,320
I wanna know, w-why would you
believe in something without proof?
171
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,839
Huh. I do have
proof. What proof?
172
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,439
I've spoken to him.
173
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,479
Sorry, you've talked
to God? Mm-hmm.
174
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,960
And he's spoken to me. Wow.
175
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,159
Wow? That sounds
crazy. No, no, it's...
176
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,919
It's... It's interesting.
I'm... I'm... I'm interested.
177
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,279
Well, what does
he think about us?
178
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:23,559
Us?
179
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:27,399
Yeah, I mean, The bible says:
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
180
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,439
Well, it's not adultery,
you're not married.
181
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,239
Well, we're as good as married.
We've been together six years.
182
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,679
We talk about it a lot.
183
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,719
We'll do it one day, it's
just a matter of time.
184
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,359
And-And...
185
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,520
OK, well what about your,
erm, attempted suicide?
186
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,359
What about it? Well,
see if you-if you
187
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,799
really believed in God, then...
188
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,279
you wouldn't have
tried to do it.
189
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,559
D'you know, before I
tried to kill myself.
190
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:54,040
I asked God to show me a
sign. And you appeared.
191
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,639
Do you think that's
a coincidence?
192
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:58,999
(CHURCH BELLS RINGS) Yeah.
193
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,199
Really? Yeah.
194
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,439
We're standing
outside my church.
195
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,639
That's your church? Yeah.
196
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,039
Do you think that's
a coincidence?
197
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,999
(SIGHS) Yeah.
198
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,079
See, I-I mean, coincidences
are just coincidences, right?
199
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,999
I mean, I don't think
there's any... any, erm...
200
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,879
overarching design
behind it all.
201
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,919
But then your life has no meaning?
No. No, no, no, no, see...
202
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,879
cause I think we give
our lives meaning with...
203
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,399
with art and-and literature
204
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,599
and philosophy and-and-and
205
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:33,159
conversations and empathy for
one another and-and-and...
206
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,360
I don't know... love?
207
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,439
What? What-What is it?
208
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,080
I just, I've never had sex
with an atheist before.
209
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,839
I prefer the term humanist. Well,
what do you say when you cum?
210
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,759
- Sorry?
- Well, you can't be like: "Oh my God". So...
211
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:54,760
Is it... Is it more like...
212
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,919
"Ah, ah, ah, ah...
213
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,959
Ahhh, there's no overarching
design to it all, ahh.
214
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,000
(GASPS) Ah."
215
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,280
Depends how good the sex is.
216
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,760
We'll soon find out.
217
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,959
CHILD: C'mon!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
218
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,639
Get 'er bucked! Huh?
219
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,839
Well, are you coming or not?
220
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,479
♪ ONE REPUBLIC: Love Runs Out ♪
221
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,839
♪ I'll be your light, your match
222
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,559
♪ Your burning sun
223
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,759
♪ I'll be the bright in black
224
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,799
♪ That's making you run
225
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,639
♪ And we'll feel alright... ♪
Erm...
226
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,839
What? Sorry. I, erm...
227
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,599
forgot you had a gun. Yeah.
228
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,359
I got a fright. (CHUCKLES)
229
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,439
Why do you have a gun?
230
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,039
This is Belfast.
231
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,439
♪ I'll be your ghost
Your game, your stadium
232
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,839
♪ I'll be your 50,000... ♪
233
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,839
Are you worried about it?
234
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,879
Er, a bit-bit-bit worried but...
235
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,600
more excited than anything else.
236
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,759
♪ I got my mind made up
237
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,319
♪ Man, I can't let go... ♪
238
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,079
Oh, my God, these fucking
buttons are driving me crazy!
239
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,079
Yeah, yeah! Doing my head in.
240
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,079
Generally, a very
confusing garment.
241
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,119
How do you even get
this over your head?
242
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,399
Here, I'll... Yeah, OK, yeah.
243
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,959
Yeah. Thanks. I can
do that. It's me.
244
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,359
Captain practical.
Well done. (LAUGHS)
245
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,319
OK. Wait, before you turn around.
I think I can help with the...
246
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,199
- - Ta-dah! - Oh! - How's that?
- - Yeah. - Great. - OK.
247
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,920
OK...
248
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,879
Erm... am I the only
one taking clothes off?
249
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,639
Oh, fuck! Sorry!
How selfish of me!
250
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,400
(LAUGHS) Sorry.
251
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,800
Be gone, damn you.
252
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,039
(CLATTERING) Sorry.
253
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,999
(LAUGHS)
254
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,759
Oh, shit. - Oh, my God.
- Hurry up.
255
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,200
Sorry, I'm getting a... I'll do it.
- Sorry.
256
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,119
Oh!
257
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,959
Sorry, I didn't mean to
do that. (BOTH LAUGH)
258
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,160
Fuck it, it's just a shirt.
259
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,520
(BIRDSONG)
260
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,359
Ah... Ahhh!
261
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,519
Life is random and meaningless!
262
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,520
(BOTH LAUGH)
263
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,359
How many times is that
we've done it now?
264
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,079
Five.
265
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,679
Fucking hell.
266
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,839
(BELFAST ACCENT) I'm
knackered. (CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
267
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,080
I can't believe the
time. (LIGHTER CLICKS)
268
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,800
How many cigarettes
have you had?
269
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,559
Five. I've never
actually smoked before.
270
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,519
Oh, well you should.
It looks good on you.
271
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,039
(POSH ACCENT) I have to say,
I do feel very cool right now.
272
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,280
(LAUGHS) What?
273
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,559
(SPLUTTERS, COUGHS)
274
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,359
Oh, my God! I think
I'm going to be sick!
275
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,759
(COUGHS) I feel dizzy!
276
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,999
I'm gonna pass out! (COUGHS)
277
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,079
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
278
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,040
No, I'm OK, actually.
It's fine. (PHONE CHIMES)
279
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,479
Oh shit, it's Frankie.
I'd better, erm...
280
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,120
Y-Yeah.
281
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,840
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
282
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,080
(SIGHS)
283
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,399
Do you still like
my nose? It's OK.
284
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,440
What else do you like about me?
285
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,639
That's all. Come on.
286
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,680
Tell me what else you like.
287
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,839
I only like your nose.
288
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,400
Oh?
289
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,519
What do you think of
my penis? Oh, God!
290
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,399
No, I'm serious. You're
a fucking nightmare!
291
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,720
See, I can never decide,
I can't work out...
292
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,799
Do you think it's
too big? (SNICKERS)
293
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,559
Do you think I should
get it reduced?
294
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,800
It's just a bit-Shut up!
295
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,640
No, I...
296
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,040
I think it's very nice.
297
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,999
I love your
eyelids. My eyelids?
298
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,039
Yeah. I love how heavy they are.
299
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,399
They're only heavy cause
I'm so fucking tired.
300
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,599
Don't go to sleep. We have
to make the most of our time.
301
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,959
What time is it? Oh, no, don't
tell me. I don't want to know.
302
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,639
Oh. What? What is it?
303
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,799
It's nearly four. Oh,
Jesus-fucking-Christ!
304
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,039
We have to go to
sleep, right now.
305
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,080
Oh, my God.
306
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,879
I'm not a psycho, you know.
307
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,159
Oh? What?
308
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,840
Erm...
309
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,840
I was just drifting
off to sleep. Sorry.
310
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,720
What did you say?
311
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,079
I just want you to
know I'm not a psycho.
312
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:24,399
Like, this isn't gonna
end like Fatal Attraction.
313
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,800
W-Why would I think that?
314
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,319
OK. You know earlier when
I said I heard God's voice,
315
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,039
I just want you to know that
I don't generally hear voices.
316
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,080
It's just God's voice I hear.
317
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,159
That's all.
318
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,239
I don't think that's crazy.
319
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,880
I, erm...
320
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,640
I mean...
321
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,119
Well, we all hear
voices, don't we.
322
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,559
When I hear a voice, I
don't think of it as God.
323
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,119
I just...
324
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,480
I just think it's, erm...
325
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,760
my conscience.
326
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,239
What kinds of things
does God say to you?
327
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,120
Are you making fun of
me? No. No, I wanna know.
328
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,600
Well...
329
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,120
When I first started
talking to God...
330
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,160
it was cause I felt lonely.
331
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,559
And I says to Him: "Dear God, where
am I gonna put all this loneliness?"
332
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,479
And He says: "Why don't
you find a boyfriend".
333
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,919
And I says: "God, I don't want
a boyfriend, I just want sex."
334
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,399
And He was like: "Well, I'm not
stopping you." That was nice of him.
335
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,359
Don't interrupt me. OK.
336
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,079
And then I said: "But I'm ugly-"
337
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,319
What? You're not ugly-Would
you let me tell the story?
338
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,360
OK. Sorry. Thank you.
339
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,600
And God said: "What?!
You're not ugly.
340
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,000
I created you in my image,
Janet, you're beautiful.
341
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,560
Like me".
342
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,559
And I said: "Well you think
very-fucking-highly of yourself
343
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,440
don't you, God?" (LAUGHS)
344
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,239
And then He said: "Janet,
stop arguing with me
345
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,280
and get out of the house."
346
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,400
So, I had a few one night stands.
Well, a lot of one night stands.
347
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:19,399
So, I've been with loads of
fellas. Is that an issue, problem?
348
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,399
No.
349
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,400
Totally fine.
350
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,800
Thing is, I just get irritated
with every man I slept with. And...
351
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:33,519
I'd get really angry with every
interaction I had with everybody.
352
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,879
Including God. So,
I stopped going out.
353
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,359
And stopped...
354
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,400
going to church. And I
stopped talking to God.
355
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,400
And then the loneliness
came back again.
356
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,520
And then every time I prayed
there was just silence.
357
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,559
And the silence went on for
so long, the only way...
358
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:05,880
(VOICE BREAKS) I could think to
end it was with a gun to my head.
359
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,000
And then you showed up.
360
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,680
And you started
believing in God again?
361
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,560
Yeah.
362
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,720
See...
363
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,600
that sort of, erm...
364
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,999
That makes me kind of
like an angel, doesn't it?
365
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,519
Hmm, no. No.
366
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,159
I think... I think
I'd make a good angel.
367
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,799
I'd look sexy with the wings.
368
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,439
And a little gossamer loincloth.
369
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,520
It's time to sleep. Yeah.
370
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,039
Thank you.
371
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,719
For what?
372
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,719
Tonight.
373
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,760
It's been brilliant.
374
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,639
(BIRDSONG)
375
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,680
(SOFT, PENSIVE MUSIC)
376
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,920
Why, God? Why this guy?
377
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,560
He's a dick. He's unavailable.
378
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,520
He's English.
379
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,680
He makes terrible jokes.
380
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,320
Why him?
381
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:10,840
(DOOR SLAMS)
382
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,200
Janet?
383
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,320
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
384
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,800
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
385
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,359
Fuck!
386
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,560
(CHURCH BELLS RING)
387
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,760
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
388
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,080
Hi.
389
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,000
(SOFTLY) Good to
see you back, love.
390
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,240
(TRANQUIL MUSIC)
391
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,120
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
392
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,879
Ah! Fuck! Ah! Shit!
393
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,759
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
394
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,999
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
395
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,400
Ow!
396
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,120
Fuck, fuck!
397
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:44,639
(SINGING) ♪ Are you
washed in the blood?
398
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,719
♪ In the soul cleansing
Blood of the Lamb?
399
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,799
♪ Are your garments spotless?
400
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,239
♪ Are they white as snow?
401
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:59,079
♪ Are you washed in
the Blood of the Lamb?
402
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,559
♪ Are you walking daily
By the Savior's... ♪
403
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,000
Sorry about this.
I've hurt my foot.
404
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,119
Where are your shoes? I
didn't know where you were
405
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,439
so I went out looking for you
and then the door shut behind me.
406
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,519
Do you have the keys?
I've got to get to work.
407
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,919
Hi. (KEYS JANGLE)
408
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,519
Get out of here, now.
409
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,839
Please sit. Oh!
410
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,439
All this week, the Girls
Brigade have been organising
411
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,719
a sponsored bible reading.
412
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,119
They are going to read
the entire bible...
413
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,399
Why didn't you wake me
up? Why would I do that?
414
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,279
I don't know, we
had a lovely night-
415
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,959
God, you're so... needy.
416
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,759
I'm not being
needy. It's just...
417
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,519
basic manners, isn't
it, to say goodbye.
418
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,719
Why are you being like
this? Are you cross with me?
419
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:47,479
"Are you-Are you cross with
me? Are you jolly well cross?"
420
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,920
No, I'm not cross
with you. I'm ragin'!
421
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:53,159
Right. So why are you...
422
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,879
"Ragin'" then?
423
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,559
You broke the
rules. What rules?
424
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,359
The rules of the affair!
- I didn't. - Yeah, you did.
425
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:00,999
What rule did I break?
We can't fall in love!
426
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,319
(SCOFFS) Right. Well... we
haven't done that, have we?
427
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,199
Have we? No!
428
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:06,919
Liar. I'm not lying.
429
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,839
I haven't fallen
in love with you.
430
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,639
You haven't? No!
Definitely not-
431
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,799
Shhh! (Sorry.)
432
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,599
This poor man called...
433
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,759
for the eyes of The Lord
are on the righteous.
434
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,759
Have you fallen in
love with me? No way!
435
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:21,999
Good! OK then!
436
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,079
But the face of
The Lord is against
437
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,759
those who do evil!
438
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,520
I think the priest's looking at us.
He's not a priest, he's a pastor.
439
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,999
Do you think I could get
a plaster from the pastor?
440
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,720
(SNICKERS, LAUGHS)
441
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:44,679
D'you see what I mean?
442
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,039
(LIGHT, POIGNANT MUSIC)
443
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,080
(PASTOR CONTINUES)
444
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,559
The righteous person
may have many troubles
445
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,880
but the Lord delivers
him from them.
446
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,239
He protects all his bones;
447
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,160
not one of them will be broken.
448
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,040
(WINCES)
449
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,279
Maybe a bit.
450
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,399
What? A bit.
451
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,080
A bit what?
452
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:25,040
I've maybe fallen a
bit in love with you.
453
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:28,720
Actually, quite a lot.
454
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,040
Actually, truth be
told, a huge amount.
455
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,120
Actually.
456
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,679
Same. What?
457
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,399
(CLEARS THROAT)
458
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,800
I said same. You've...
fallen in love with me?
459
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,279
I don't know what
you're so happy about.
460
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,000
(LAUGHS) Shhh!
461
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,160
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
What's so funny?
462
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:08,399
I have to break up
with my girlfriend.
463
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,839
(MUSIC FADES)
464
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,799
♪ THE MEDITATION SINGERS:
Trouble's Brewin' ♪
465
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,160
♪ Trouble's brewin'
466
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:18,560
♪ I can't fight no fear
467
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,039
♪ Lord, I need my mother's hand
468
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,760
♪ To guide me
469
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,959
♪ Trouble's brewin'
470
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,440
♪ Look like it's the end
471
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:37,359
♪ Lord, send your
Holy Ghost power in
472
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,159
One more time!
473
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,119
♪ Trouble's Brewin'... ♪
474
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:44,920
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