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1
00:00:09,704 --> 00:00:10,960
Seamus?
2
00:00:12,263 --> 00:00:13,413
Frankie?
3
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:15,328
Erm...
4
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,984
Seamus? Who is she?
5
00:00:21,973 --> 00:00:23,593
Frankie-I'm his cousin.
6
00:00:24,803 --> 00:00:26,482
- Your cousin?
- Yeah.
7
00:00:26,507 --> 00:00:28,732
Seamus had a wee fall
and I was helping him.
8
00:00:28,757 --> 00:00:30,179
- Really?
- Yeah.
9
00:00:30,180 --> 00:00:31,339
Right.
10
00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:33,219
Such a klutz.
11
00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:35,179
Oh, OK.
12
00:00:35,180 --> 00:00:37,546
Thank God, 'cause for a
minute there I thought-
13
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:41,019
Oh, no, my God! That, that, that's
ridiculous, it was just a fall!
14
00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:44,099
Oh, my God! Your
cousin? Yes, his cousin.
15
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,740
Anyway, surprise!
16
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,259
So I'm only here for the night
17
00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:51,499
but I rented us a cottage
in the countryside.
18
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,900
- Wow!
- Amazing!
19
00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:57,140
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
20
00:00:58,060 --> 00:01:00,060
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
21
00:01:04,340 --> 00:01:05,620
Fuck!
22
00:01:08,220 --> 00:01:09,219
OK!
23
00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:10,940
Fuck, fuck, fuck-Sorry!
24
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:19,099
Hello, here now. Sorry.
25
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,219
Hi. Guess what?
26
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:22,499
What?
27
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,059
Janet's coming with us.
28
00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:26,619
No. Like I keep on saying,
it's very kind of you
29
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,659
but I... I really
don't want to impose.
30
00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:31,539
No, we do have to talk more about - Seamus' family.
- Oh, that can wait.
31
00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:35,019
But we have so many questions. - It's not a good time.
- Seamus, tell her she has to come with us.
32
00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:36,619
Well, er... Yeah, I can't.
33
00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:38,659
Just come with us! I
really can't-No, no.
34
00:01:38,660 --> 00:01:41,059
Say yes, it'll be fun-I really can't.
- To have an adventure.
35
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,059
Look, it'll be
too... Well, yeah...
36
00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:45,819
You're Seamus' family. You must!
You must just for one night.
37
00:01:45,820 --> 00:01:47,579
I would love to-You have to!
38
00:01:47,580 --> 00:01:49,020
It's a very firm no.
39
00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:53,219
And there she was,
right by the Cafe Nero.
40
00:01:53,220 --> 00:01:55,139
Wow, that's amazing.
41
00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:57,620
So how did you two work
out you were related?
42
00:01:58,500 --> 00:01:59,499
Er...
43
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,419
Well, it was, erm...
44
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:05,500
It was you who first worked
it out, wasn't it, Janet?
45
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:06,939
- Was it me, aye?
- Yeah.
46
00:02:06,940 --> 00:02:09,180
So how did you
work it out, Janet?
47
00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,339
Well, I thought he
looked familiar. Yeah.
48
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:15,499
Because you'd seen
him on the telly? No.
49
00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:17,579
Because he looked like
my uncle. Oh, right.
50
00:02:17,580 --> 00:02:19,699
Yeah. I mean, exactly like
my uncle. Exactly like him.
51
00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:23,779
So I said to him, "Are
you any relation to..."
52
00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:26,619
Anyway, we talked about your
father, whose name was-Your father?
53
00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:29,899
Yeah, and as I said at the time, I
never actually knew my father, so...
54
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,419
It's tragic. Yes,
that's right.
55
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:37,140
So what do you know about Seamus' dad? Because we've been looking - for him for years.
- He's dead.
56
00:02:37,660 --> 00:02:39,499
Oh...
57
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:41,340
Oh, darling...
58
00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:45,019
I don't really know anything about him.
He's dead that's all I know. He's dead.
59
00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:46,300
I'm so sorry.
60
00:02:48,140 --> 00:02:49,980
Oh, dear...
61
00:02:54,060 --> 00:02:56,539
Jesus fucking
Christ! I'm sorry.
62
00:02:56,540 --> 00:02:58,499
Why did you have to tell
her that you knew my father?
63
00:02:58,500 --> 00:02:59,739
Well, I had to
tell her something.
64
00:02:59,740 --> 00:03:02,219
How was I supposed to know you had
such a complicated family history?
65
00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:04,539
Why didn't you stop her from - dragging me here?
- I'm sorry, OK?
66
00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:06,980
I was frozen in terror.
67
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,499
I can't handle this. It's
too fucking stressful!
68
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:13,620
Right, she's coming. Just be
cool, be cool. OK, be cool.
69
00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:17,859
Right...
70
00:03:17,860 --> 00:03:20,939
Janet, I was thinking, do you think
we could speak to some of your family
71
00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:23,619
about any memories they
might have of Seamus' father?
72
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:27,579
Oh, baby, do we have to
keep talking about this?
73
00:03:27,580 --> 00:03:30,179
Darling, are you alright?
You're talking funny.
74
00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:32,139
I just, erm...
75
00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:36,539
I think I'm actually really nervous about this
interview with the Foreign Secretary tomorrow.
76
00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:38,699
Don't worry about that 'cause
I've done some studying
77
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:40,659
on Nisha Anand and got quite
a clear strategy for you.
78
00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:41,699
Oh, yeah, what is it?
79
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,259
I mean, we don't want to bore Janet
with this inside baseball bullshit.
80
00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:46,899
Oh, Janet doesn't
mind. Do you, Janet?
81
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:49,299
No. Oh, you're
very sweet, Janet.
82
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:53,180
Basically, you have to push on the
Free Trade Agreement with China.
83
00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:56,299
It's about leadership style,
she has low ideology of her own.
84
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,419
I mean, if you think about
it, she's changed her mind.
85
00:03:58,420 --> 00:04:00,579
I mean, she's done a complete - U-turn.
- Exactly.
86
00:04:00,580 --> 00:04:04,459
- She's alienated herself.
- Exactly, she's alienated herself.
87
00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:07,820
♪ BLONDIE: Heart of Glass
88
00:04:09,980 --> 00:04:13,820
♪ Seemed like the real
thing, only to find
89
00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:17,540
♪ Mucho mistrust,
love's gone behind... ♪
90
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:19,979
It's only half an hour
away from the city
91
00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:23,340
and it's like you're
in a different world.
92
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:25,379
Lovely. Yeah...
93
00:04:25,380 --> 00:04:26,780
Lovely.
94
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:32,020
Look how lovely and
dinky it is? OK...
95
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,099
Ahh...
96
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,699
It's perfect. I feel like
we've travelled back in time.
97
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:46,940
Sweet. It's a kind of quaint
idyll. Oh, God, Seamus!
98
00:04:50,980 --> 00:04:53,739
Just a sec.
99
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:55,900
A cow, I think I can see a cow.
100
00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:58,939
There's a higher
power at work here.
101
00:04:58,940 --> 00:05:00,539
This was meant to be.
102
00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:04,099
This is the universe pulling you
back to Ireland to meet Janet.
103
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:07,179
Oh, before I forget. We have
to put a photo up on Instagram.
104
00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:08,979
Oh, really? Do we
have to do that now?
105
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:11,739
I promised the owner we would. Can't
we just do it and get it over with
106
00:05:11,740 --> 00:05:13,899
and then we can enjoy the rest - of our night?
- Yeah.
107
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:18,419
My God, I'm so embarrassed doing this
poseur bollocks in front of other people.
108
00:05:18,420 --> 00:05:20,859
I'm really sorry that you
had to witness this, Janet.
109
00:05:20,860 --> 00:05:22,899
Nah, it's fine. Do you
want me to take it?
110
00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:25,459
Would you mind? It would make
it all much quicker. OK, fab.
111
00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:27,700
Right. OK.
112
00:05:29,340 --> 00:05:30,619
OK...
113
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:32,619
OK, darling, so just
tilt your chin. Yeah.
114
00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:34,939
Then just turn it now. Uh-hm.
115
00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:36,860
- Ready?
- Yeah.
116
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:42,540
OK, there you go. Yes, all done.
117
00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:44,460
OK. Fab!
118
00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:48,419
Right, well, I... I'm pooped.
- I think we should go to bed. - Yeah.
119
00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:50,899
Oh, don't be such a bore.
It's a beautiful night.
120
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:53,460
Let's go out into the garden
and get to know each other.
121
00:05:57,660 --> 00:06:00,820
I'm going to take the blankets,
darling, see you at the firepit.
122
00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:03,019
Gorgeous out here,
isn't it? Hmm.
123
00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:05,419
So tell me everything, Janet.
What do you do for a living?
124
00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:08,259
I work in a supermarket. Oh,
that's great and are you married?
125
00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:11,340
Er, no. My, my husband's...
126
00:06:15,260 --> 00:06:16,259
He's dead.
127
00:06:16,260 --> 00:06:18,219
Oh, my God, I'm so
sorry. How did he die?
128
00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:19,819
Well, uh...
129
00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:23,099
Janet, I don't think-
130
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:25,140
Have you guys ever
done wife-swapping?
131
00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:27,659
No.
132
00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:30,819
Well, Jimmy and me, we went to this - swingers party.
- Yeah?
133
00:06:30,820 --> 00:06:34,099
And there was a big woman there who
was like a dominatrix, you know?
134
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:36,499
And she took a real
shine to Jimmy.
135
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:40,179
So he went off with her and I went
off with her husband who was nice.
136
00:06:40,180 --> 00:06:41,219
Yeah.
137
00:06:41,220 --> 00:06:45,619
But I felt, like, uncomfortable...
- So I went to look for Jimmy. - Right.
138
00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:48,140
And, erm... - Oh!
- Oh, God.
139
00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:51,219
Do you know what pegging is?
140
00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:54,939
Yes! When you strap on a
dildo and penetrate the man.
141
00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:57,459
When a woman fucks a man
with a-Exactly, Frankie.
142
00:06:57,460 --> 00:07:00,819
Yes, OK, so she was
pegging your husband? OK.
143
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:04,100
He had this big smile on his
face. He looked so happy.
144
00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:07,539
But he wasn't breathing.
145
00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:12,499
It was like he was frozen in
some sort of sexual ecstasy.
146
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,899
And then I realised what had - happened.
- Oh?
147
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,700
She'd fucked him to death.
148
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:31,859
You're a fucking monster.
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
149
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:34,659
You're a monster. That is hilarious.
I actually almost believed you.
150
00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:37,139
Frankie! I had you, come on now!
151
00:07:37,140 --> 00:07:40,579
You got me. You know, I do love that kind
of comedy. Seamus hates anything like that.
152
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:43,900
But I think it's so
important to ease tension.
153
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:47,339
You are obviously masking some
genuine pain with that story though.
154
00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:50,540
So what did happen with
you and your husband?
155
00:07:53,020 --> 00:07:54,099
He left me for another woman.
156
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:58,419
Right, you see? But you can laugh about it.
Like Seamus' mum with the aborted abortion.
157
00:07:58,420 --> 00:08:01,459
- The what?
- Oh, you don't know the abortion story?
158
00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:03,499
She... My family don't
really talk about the past.
159
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:07,219
OK, so you know that
Seamus' dad... Yeah, yeah.
160
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,539
Was a Catholic and his
mum was a Protestant.
161
00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:11,699
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
of course. So, go on.
162
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:16,339
Well... when my mum was pregnant
with me she was sent to London
163
00:08:16,340 --> 00:08:17,539
to have an abortion.
164
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:20,099
Obviously, didn't
go through with it.
165
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:24,379
Erm, she took
everything she had,
166
00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:30,140
rented a bedsit in Walthamstow
and raised me there alone.
167
00:08:31,420 --> 00:08:33,539
She had such a hard life but
she was able to laugh about it.
168
00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:39,460
You remind me of Seamus' mum.
You have that same darkness.
169
00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:41,020
I love it.
170
00:08:41,820 --> 00:08:46,340
It's so powerful that ability
to, you know, to go there.
171
00:08:46,820 --> 00:08:48,579
And over.
172
00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:51,299
There we go. That's going to be - lovely.
- Safe and neat.
173
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:53,379
Sweet dreams,
darling, nighty night.
174
00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:54,819
Ohhh...
175
00:08:54,820 --> 00:08:58,139
See you tomorrow,
cuz.
176
00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:00,619
So here's a nightgown and
a spare toothbrush for you.
177
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:02,859
- She's always prepared.
- Girl Scout. True.
178
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:04,819
12 years while you were
dancing around pools.
179
00:09:04,820 --> 00:09:07,940
Well, you know,
re-tuning my G string.
180
00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:36,779
Argh, I forgot my pyjamas.
181
00:09:36,780 --> 00:09:38,580
Oh, sleep naked.
182
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:45,699
I'm sorry, I can't.
I can't, I'm sorry.
183
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:48,139
I just keep thinking
about my father.
184
00:09:48,140 --> 00:09:51,540
Oh... Yeah, I'm sorry.
185
00:09:55,340 --> 00:09:57,979
Would it be really
selfish if I... What?
186
00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:00,019
I'm just really horny. OK.
187
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:03,180
Do you mind if I...?
No, not at all.
188
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:05,659
Toxic
189
00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:08,539
♪ Baby, can't you
see I'm calling... ♪
190
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:13,659
♪ Should wear a warning
It's dangerous... ♪
191
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:22,899
♪ There's no escape
I can't wait ♪
192
00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:28,459
♪ Baby, give me it
You're dangerous ♪
193
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:37,219
♪ Too high Can't come down
194
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:41,499
♪ Losing my head Spinning
'round and 'round... ♪
195
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:46,659
I got 500 likes for my
tweet about Michael Gove.
196
00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:48,340
Mmmm.
197
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:19,460
Argh! C'mon... Fucking
bastard motherfucker.
198
00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:26,299
There's
no phone signal.
199
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:28,139
Why do you
need phone signal?
200
00:11:28,140 --> 00:11:29,419
To get a taxi out of here.
201
00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:31,459
You can't do that. Frankie'll
wonder where you've gone.
202
00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:32,699
I don't give a
fuck about Frankie.
203
00:11:32,700 --> 00:11:35,259
She'll get suspicious and think
that something's happening.
204
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:36,739
Er, nothing's happening.
205
00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:39,899
And I don't want to stay anywhere
near her 'cause she thinks
206
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,579
I'm just some stupid wee woman
that works in a supermarket.
207
00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:44,779
Oh, no, no, no. No,
you're imagining that.
208
00:11:44,780 --> 00:11:47,019
She's not a snob. That's
the last thing she is.
209
00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:49,340
I mean, she's good
friends with Ken Loach.
210
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:51,500
I don't...
211
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:56,179
If I stay here I'm gonna end up
breaking her perfect FUCKING face.
212
00:11:56,180 --> 00:11:57,939
Keep your voice down, we
don't want her to wake up.
213
00:11:57,940 --> 00:12:00,356
Yeah, well, we wouldn't want to be - too loud, would we?
- Ssh.
214
00:12:03,380 --> 00:12:04,939
- I heard you.
- Heard what?
215
00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:07,179
I heard you having sex. We
weren't, we weren't having sex.
216
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:10,220
I heard you. The walls are
thin, I heard everything.
217
00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:14,140
All right, we weren't having
sex, she was masturbating.
218
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:17,580
Huh? What were you doing?
219
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:18,739
Nothing.
220
00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:20,899
So she was just slapping away
on her kebab and you-Sorry?
221
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:24,739
What were you doing? Slapping
away on her-Who calls it that?
222
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:27,059
Were you... Were you just, like, - watching her?
- Oh, no.
223
00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:28,779
So what were you doing
224
00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:32,020
I was on Twitter.
225
00:12:32,380 --> 00:12:34,339
Sorry.
226
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:37,299
I was...
227
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,699
Oh, my God. Is she asleep?
228
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,899
Yeah, she always falls asleep
after... slapping her kebab.
229
00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:46,700
She'll be out cold 'til morning.
230
00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:48,860
Please stay.
231
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,580
I can't.
232
00:12:56,820 --> 00:12:59,900
Right, I need a phone signal.
233
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:08,180
Fuck it.
234
00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:10,740
Wait, wait, Janet.
235
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,480
Look, Seamus, I'm gonna
call off the affair.
236
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:41,919
It's just, you know, now that I've
met Frankie, it's all very real and...
237
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,759
Yeah. It's taken
the joy out of it.
238
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:48,519
Yeah, it feels like... like
the moment's gone, yeah.
239
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,999
Yeah... She's really
nice, Frankie.
240
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,880
Oh, yeah, yeah, she is. Thanks.
241
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,599
I can see why you're with
her. Yeah, she's great.
242
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,839
Obviously, it's a nightmare
for her putting up with you.
243
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,999
Yeah-Wait, what do you mean?
244
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,319
Well, you know, the way you're
weird about sex, for example.
245
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,879
What?! I'm not weird about
sex. Why would you say that?
246
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,839
Not having sex with her
when she was masturbating?
247
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,999
That was out of respect for you.
248
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,639
And, you know, we do
that all the time.
249
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,239
We probably masturbate
more around each other
250
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,839
than we actually make love.
251
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,639
God, fuck, that is a
bit weird, isn't it?
252
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:28,159
It started as something
kinda sexy and transgressive
253
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:32,159
and we do it so much now
it's just got a bit boring.
254
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,799
Anyway, it's a bit rich you telling
me that I'm weird about sex.
255
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:39,039
That's two stories you've told about
your ex-husband being killed by a dildo.
256
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,279
It's the death that
fucker deserves.
257
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,359
I can't imagine what he
was like, your husband.
258
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,519
Do you like Game of Thrones? I
think they film it round here.
259
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,399
God, no, I hate Game of Thrones.
260
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,439
What? Why?
261
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,639
Well, it's...
262
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,039
It's full of naked women.
263
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,159
You don't like naked women?
264
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,559
No, no, I love naked women.
265
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,519
I just, not when it's like that, you
know, exploitative and misogynistic.
266
00:14:58,520 --> 00:14:59,559
So you've never seen it?
267
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,519
God, no, why would I watch that? It's
full of dragons and swords and vampires.
268
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:04,999
There's no vampires
in Game of Thrones.
269
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,919
And ghosts. I fucking hate
ghosts. Ghosts are fucking stupid.
270
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,959
Don't be saying that,
they might hear you.
271
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,639
- Are you serious?
- I've never been more serious about anything in my life.
272
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,719
You-Sorry, you believe
in ghosts? Yes.
273
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,159
Well, do you have proof?
Have you seen one?
274
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,799
No, not personally but, you know, - I know people who have.
- Aha?
275
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,799
My friend saw the ghost of her
uncle. He was killed in the Troubles.
276
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,919
Oh, God, sorry, that's awful.
277
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,999
Well, he appeared to her in
a greengrocers and he says,
278
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,799
"Dear hear, love, don't buy them there apples.
They've got the wrong sell by date on them."
279
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:36,199
Sorry, so the ghost of her uncle
was advising her not to buy apples?
280
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,519
She says it was exactly the kind of thing he would have said - if he was alive.
- Aha...
281
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:43,759
And, you know, at first I thought she
was just imagining it. Of course she was.
282
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,759
No, but she went ahead and bought the
apples and the very next day, guess what?
283
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,559
What?
284
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:51,599
They went off.
285
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,159
Yeah, oh, yeah, see that,
that doesn't prove anything.
286
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,560
That just proves that
fruit is perishable.
287
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,319
All that stuff Frankie
said about your mum?
288
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,679
Yeah?
289
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,319
Does that mean you're
actually a Protestant?
290
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:13,319
Oh, my God, that's your takeaway
from my tragic childhood story?
291
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,319
You're actually a Protestant.
292
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,999
No, stop it. No, I just mean Seamus
O'Hannigan's a really Catholic name.
293
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,439
OK, so it's not actually - my real name.
- Huh?
294
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:26,280
Erm, OK, so when
I was a teenager
295
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,559
and I was trying
to be a journalist,
296
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:34,239
I felt like it might connect
me with my Irish roots.
297
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,159
Also, there was a
very famous journalist
298
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,120
with the same name so
I had to change it.
299
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,839
So what's your real name?
300
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,999
OK, you can't laugh.
301
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,160
I promise, I won't
laugh. What's your name?
302
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,080
John Snow.
303
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,720
Unbelievable.
304
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,039
You said you wouldn't laugh!
305
00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,439
I know but... You don't
even like Game of Thrones-
306
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:04,400
I know, that's another reason why I
hate Game of Thrones. That fucking name!
307
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,840
Yeah.
308
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,880
Phone's run out of battery.
309
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,719
Just come back to the cottage.
310
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,560
I can't.
311
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,159
We could see if
there's an early train?
312
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,560
Uh-huh.
313
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,200
Half five. Oh...
314
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,480
Not that long to wait.
315
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,639
You don't need to
stay here with me.
316
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,520
Well, I'm not gonna
leave you here alone.
317
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,479
So you know when you came to look - for me earlier?
- Yeah?
318
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,720
Did you expect
something to happen?
319
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,759
Like what?
320
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,119
You mean sex?
321
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,679
No need to say it
like a fucking nun!
322
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,079
What, sex?
323
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:41,439
Sorry, I'm just, I'm surprised. I
thought you called the affair off.
324
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,720
I did. It is off. It is off.
325
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,039
Then why are we
talking about sex?
326
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:55,279
Oh, I was just curious, don't
know what you were thinking. So...
327
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,680
Well...
328
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:02,560
I did like our kiss
earlier... on the street.
329
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,240
Mmm. Me too.
330
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:10,559
Can I kiss you again?
331
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:14,079
I think a kiss would be OK.
A kiss would be fine, yeah.
332
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,519
It would just be like a
continuation of the previous kiss.
333
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,399
That's true because
we were interrupted.
334
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,999
Exactly, it would be like
just finishing the kiss.
335
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,360
Yeah... it's...
That's... yeah...
336
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:55,479
Oh, you fucking dickhead!
337
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:56,959
What? Why did you
call me a dickhead?
338
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,039
You're a dickhead.
339
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,959
You're a fucking dickhead because
you've got a woman like Frankie
340
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,799
and you're trying to
fuck a loser like me.
341
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,959
Loser?
342
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,999
Woah, woah, woah, wait, wait,
wait, listen, listen, listen.
343
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,279
Listen, listen, listen!
344
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:14,759
When I first met you, you were ready to blow your own - head off with a shotgun.
- Fuck sake.
345
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:15,799
No, no, no...
346
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:19,719
And I didn't think, "Oh, look at that
loser, no wonder she wants to kill herself."
347
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,679
After one night with you, I
couldn't stop thinking about you.
348
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:27,039
I couldn't stop wondering why this,
why this brilliant, beautiful,
349
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:31,799
hilarious, exceptional woman
would want to destroy herself.
350
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,199
This woman who, you know, when I'm with
her I feel like I can breathe again.
351
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:40,519
Yeah? Well, you didn't
save my life, OK?
352
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,119
You're not my fucking saviour.
And I can get on fine without you.
353
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,199
Yes, I know that. I'm not
here out of fucking pity!
354
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,719
And even though you're completely
exasperating to be around,
355
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,679
I still choose to be here.
356
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:56,519
In fact, I'm calling off the
calling off of the affair.
357
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,719
I'm back in Belfast next
week and she won't be around
358
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,399
and we'll meet again then and
I insist that we have sex.
359
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,480
In fact, I won't take
no for an answer.
360
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,519
I mean, obviously, I will
take no for an answer.
361
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,960
I completely understand and
respect the principle of consent.
362
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,880
But, you know, well,
I've made my point.
363
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,519
Well, if we're gonna
have the affair...
364
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,960
then we may as well just go
back to the cottage then.
365
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,080
OK.
366
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,359
I think the problem is neither
of us have had an affair before.
367
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,799
Why is that a problem?
368
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,959
Well, we don't know the rules.
369
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,479
Are there rules to an affair?
370
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,760
There has to be rules. People can't
just go about doing whatever they want.
371
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,759
But surely that's the point of
an affair? To break the rules?
372
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:52,719
Yeah, but I think if we have rules
then we wouldn't feel as bad.
373
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,560
OK.
374
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,280
Oh, good, she's not up yet.
375
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,120
OK? Yeah, thanks.
376
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,239
So, rule one...
377
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,279
We can't fall in love.
378
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,799
Yep. 'Cause I don't
have time for that.
379
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,759
Do you think I've got time for it? With
everything I've got going on right now?
380
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,199
So no romance, no emotional - attachments.
- No, none.
381
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,359
And that way I don't get hurt. And you
don't get hurt. And she doesn't get hurt.
382
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:23,039
I hate seeing people getting hurt. I
can't even watch You've Been Framed.
383
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,199
You watch You've Been Framed?
384
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,919
No, that's what I said.
I said I don't watch it.
385
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,999
- I don't.
- OK, rule two. You're only in Belfast for one night a week?
386
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,279
Yeah, for the next five weeks.
387
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:35,159
So the affair can only take place - in Belfast.
- That's a great rule.
388
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,319
That, that way it only happens
in this one place and then
389
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,599
we know it's an affair
and not a relationship.
390
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,239
And then after the five weeks we
just, we will just call it quits.
391
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,080
Brilliant. I love a
time limit. Brilliant.
392
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,559
Rule number three,
393
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,759
if Frankie gets the slightest bit
suspicious, we have to call it off. Yeah.
394
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,279
Because I don't want
the drama. Me neither.
395
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,079
I don't want to be
the other woman.
396
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,959
I don't my face in the papers,
especially beside hers.
397
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,159
The papers aren't really a thing
anymore, but I get your point.
398
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,479
What do you mean papers aren't - really a thing?
- Because the whole industry's moved online.
399
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,159
Mm, people still buy papers.
Not in the numbers they used to.
400
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:09,279
I buy papers. OK,
that may be true
401
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,119
but they still only appeal to
a very limited demographic.
402
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,279
Look, I know what I'm talking
about, I work in the media-
403
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,679
I know what I'm talking about,
404
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,599
I work in a supermarket and I see
people buying papers every day.
405
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,599
I think we're getting
side-tracked here.
406
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,559
- Rule number four.
- How many rules are there going to be?
407
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:23,919
This is going to be
the last one. Good.
408
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,319
But it's the most important one.
409
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,160
What is it?
410
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,000
You can never leave
her... for me.
411
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,000
Why is that the
most important rule?
412
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,080
It's 'cause I won't
make you happy.
413
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:49,240
So, they're the rules.
414
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,319
Agreed? Agreed.
415
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,999
What are you doing? Shaking
hands, it's an agreement.
416
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,479
God, you're so fucking English.
417
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,920
- I'm bloody Irish!
- Sshh. Sorry.
418
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:43,759
You're freezing. Have
you been outside?
419
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,720
Er, no.
420
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,880
I love you.
421
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,680
♪ PERFUME GENIUS: Can't
Help Falling In Love
422
00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:03,600
♪ Wise men say,
only fools rush in
423
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:19,040
♪ But I can't help
falling in love with you
424
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:34,440
♪ Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
425
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:50,040
♪ If I can't help falling
in love with you ♪
426
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,680
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