All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S01E23.1997.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

There. There. You see it?

I can't get close enough.
Move closer to the light.

- I see it.
- Green, right?

- I wouldn't say green--
- Just pluck it.

No, I want to take it to the colorist.
This is evidence.

- Oh, hold on.
- Is it just the one strand?

- No, I saw two others.
- [ Gasps ] Oh, yeah.

- Do you see it?
- Yeah, maybe it's just dead,

because sometimes when a follicle dies--

No, no, no. This isn't dead. The shaft
gets all limp and dry dead.

- This one is alive and green.
- Bobby.

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Shouts ]

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Uh, yeah, sure. We're--

Some of Ally's hair is green.

Well, wh-wh-what-- what brings you here?

A case. I represent two men
against a hospital.

There could be a conflict of interest.

So I need outside counsel. Interested?

In you? I mean--
I mean, what sort of case?

It's a little strange. Basically, they
wanna switch hearts.

What do you mean they wanna switch hearts?

One's got a good heart, the other's got a
congenital disease. They wanna switch.

I-Is that legal?

That's the question.
Will you do it with me?

Um, sure, sure. Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

I've solved my dismount.

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

They want to do what?

Well, one guy is a C.E.O. at Micro-World.
His heart is giving out.

And the other guy's a janitor who has a
healthy heart, and-and they-they--

- He's willing to give his heart away.
- Right.

The hospital is refusing to do the
surgery,

so were gonna get in there and
get a court order.

He can have mine. I never use it.

Kidding. Who cares? John, new case, Alan
Farmer. Who's he?

Second cousin. I apologize. He goes on a
trial today-- misdemeanor battery.

His other lawyer wanted to plead it out.
Alan refused.

So it's come to-- [ Stammering, Humming ]

- Me.
- [ Billy ] What did he do?

Evidently, he assaults happy people.

He assaults happy people?

- Yes.
- Well, how does-- What?

He sees people who are happy,
he accosts them. I--

Renee drew the case, so I anticipate a
battle hard-fought, but fair.

There. There, there, there. It's green.
It's green. See? It's definitely green.

Ow! [ Stammers ]

- [ Sniffs ]
- Ew.

- You want me to order what?
- Thank you, Your Honor.

It's within any individual's right to
donate an organ. If this were a kidney--

It's not a kidney.
You're talking about his heart.

- The heart is a muscle. My client--
- Suppose he dies.

This man, by taking the weaker heart,
could die.

Which he recognizes
and he's willing to take.

- He's willing to risk suicide. Fine--
- He's willing to risk dying.

That's not the same as suicide.

This is so repugnant to public policy.

Is Mr. Michaelson paying
this man for the organ?

[ Bobby ] Absolutely not.

There's nothing tainted here. It's a
decision which affects them.

Who are we to stand in their way?

[ Lawyer ] But you're asking the hospital
to participate.

If they wanna switch hearts, fine, but you
can't order the hospital to do it.

- What's to lose for the hospital?
- Reputation, for starters.

This kind of voodoo surgery
could cost federal grants--

Not if some pro-voodoo judge
sticks you with a court order.

The hospital would be off the hook.

- Your Honor, you can't be serious.
- Mr. Gilson,

I want to hear from you, 10:00 tomorrow.

I'd be glad to plea. That's what I said I
wanted-- plea, plea, plea.

But I don't want jail.

- They won't agree to no jail.
- Can't go to jail. No, no.

- We go to trial. No to jail. No, no.
- If convicted--

Can't go to jail. No, no, no to jail.

Well, I was on the subway, um,

sitting next to a man that I was dating.

Oh, well, in fact, it was our first date.

And could you tell
the court what happened?

He was riding me to my stop,

and we were just talking and laughing...

- and then "thwap."
- Thwap?

That awful person hit me-- vicious.

Objection to the words awful and vicious.

I'd also be seeking to strike "thwap" on
grounds of ambiguity.

I'll strike awful and vicious.

Did he hit you with his hand, Ms. Martin?

No, he had a sawed-off paddle.

A paddle?

Yes, like you would use to paddle a
canoe...

if it were normal length, but he had sawed
it into a weapon, and he hit me.

Right before you got hit,
did you and your date kiss?

- No.
- Were you thinking of kissing?

Well, we could've been.

- [ John ] But you didn't, did you?
- No.

You were thinking of kissing and you
didn't kiss. Is that your testimony?

- I guess.
- Thank you.

[ Bobby ] That's the complete list of all
the money he's given him,

to the best of his memory.

- So he has taken money.
- Nothing quid pro quo.

But why do you think
he's doing this, really?

They're friends.

A custodian and a C.E.O.,
and-and you believe that?

Wait. I thought I was
the hard and jaded one.

I came to you because I thought
you still practice innocence.

But even so, fr-friends don't--

I-I-I-- I consider you and I to be
friends,

but I don't think I'd even give you blood.

Yeah, you would.

Anyway-- [ Sighs ]
thanks for taking this case.

Sure.

Hey, Ally, you know, I, um--

I showed up at your bar once,
in your office,

saw all you guys dancing.

- Oh.
- You all seem to have fun together.

We do.

When's the last time you danced?

Me? I dance.

Oh, I know. I know. But the last time--
Do you even remember?

- Not really.
- Mmm.

[ Clears Throat ]
Well, I-I have time for one.

Uh, well, it's-it's-- it's past 10:00. We
have to be in court at 9:00.

Oh, no, no. No, no. Right here, one dance.
You're due.

You just need to hear
the music in your head.

- In my head?
- Mm-hmm.

Y-You can do that, can't you?

Sure.

[ Thinking ] ♪♪ [ Slow Rock ]

Okay. [ Clears Throat ]

Dance.

So I just pretend to hear the music?

Mm-hmm. That's all.

- [ Vonda ] ♪ Just one look ♪
- You hear it?

♪ And I fell so ha-hard ♪

- I'm beginning to.
- ♪ In love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I found out ♪

♪ How good it fee-ee-eels ♪

♪ To have ♪

♪ Your love ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪♪

- [ Georgia ] Did you kiss him?
- No, I didn't kiss him.

- We just--
- Danced, slow, to pretend music?

Well, it wasn't clingy slow.
It was just preppy slow.

- Slow is slow. I would've kissed him.
- Mmm.

- Billy.
- Billy.

If-If I were you, meaning
I'm-I'm, you know--

- Married.
- Married.

Uh, I've got green hair,
and I'm due in court.

This guy, Donnell--
He does it for you, huh?

Me? N-No.

[ Chuckles ] Are you kidding? I don't even
think he's at all good-looking.

You know, maybe he is. I don't--
I don't even remember.

I was sitting in the theater.
The movie was a little slow.

I kind of rested my head
against my date's,

and "boom," I get hit on the temple.

- Was it a vicious hit?
- Objection.

Sustained.

- Did you see who did it?
- He did it.

I turn around, he has a mini boat paddle.

He whacked me with it.

You let your head fall against the woman
seated next to you?

- She was my date.
- Oh, your date, not your girlfriend?

- She happens to be my fiancée.
- At the time?

No, but later we became engaged.

At the time, you were untoward.

Are you kidding?

Your Honor.

- Mr. Hendrix, would you step up here?
- What?

Step up here, please.

Let me see your teeth.

Excuse me?

Let me see your teeth.

You have something--

Why, it's spinach. [ Groans ]

I am very, very disappointed.

Wh-What's going on?

Mr. Cage, you have any more questions?

No, Your Honor.

Members of the jury, our witness
has a small piece of spinach...

caught in an incisor.

Now, when oral decay starts to build up
between the tooth and the gum,

bacteria starts to build colonies.

Even the most nutritious vegetable
can turn into Vietnam.

[ Mutters ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Let's just call this off.

Don't be such a quitter.

Quit-- Don't call me a quitter.

- You're a quitter. Don't be a quitter.
- Where do you get off?

I can take a couple of questions in the
witness chair.

That's what we came here for.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Let's just go inside.
Bobby is waiting for us.

Go on ahead, Bernie. I'm gonna talk to Ms.
McBeal for a second.

- About what?
- Just go.

- She's my lawyer.
- I'm planning your birthday party. Scram.

He's not gonna be grilled up there, is he?

Well, he's not on trial for anything.
And the judge--

Ah, that other lawyer
seemed a little aggressive.

If there's a chance he tries
to humiliate Bernie--

There wouldn't be a motive to beat him up.
It should be okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Now-Now, how did you meet Mr. Michaelson?

I asked him for change. He was walking by
one day. That was in 1989.

- He gave you change?
- Gave me a five-dollar bill.

And every Wednesday for the next three
years he gave me a five-dollar bill.

Did you, um, talk?

No, not really. He'd say,
"How are you today?"

Then he'd look me right in the eye, which
is more than I got from most people.

[ Ally ] Well, how did you and Mr.
Michaelson become best friends?

Well, one day it was--
it was snow and cold.

And he brought me inside to this place on
Milk Street for some soup.

And we started talkin'. Turns out it was
easy to find things to talk about.

We both played high school ball
in the same conference.

[ Chuckles ] We-We just hit it off.

And?

Gave me a job as a custodian in his
company.

We started having lunch every now
and again.

Then it became every Wednesday.

- You have lunch together every Wednesday?
- Going on five years.

We only missed two. This last one 'cause
he went and got sick.

Mr. Gilson, did Mr. Michaelson
ever offer to compensate you...

for what you're offering to give him now?

I-I think what the judge
is getting at is-is... why?

He's got a family. He's got a beautiful
wife. He's got two great kids.

People who need him to live. And with the
heart he's got, he's got, what?

- Maybe three, four years.
- So this is just friendship at work?

Friendship, and the goodness of my heart.

And Mr. Gilson, if you were a C.E.O.
of a large corporation...

and Mr. Michaelson was a janitor, would
you still be here today?

- Probably not.
- And why is that?

If I were a C.E.O.,

I doubt I would've brought a street person
in from the snow...

and given him soup.

Sir, you've got to help me out a little.

Why would any sane man swap
his good heart for a sick one?

Judge, let me ask you a question.

Is there any answer I could give
that would satisfy you?

You see how it's orangey?

After Ally I took a closer look at mine.

You use too many chemicals,
and I'm pro-chemical.

It was just a highlight.

Did you have head lice as a child?

I read once where lice over
time can cause orange hair.

I never had head lice.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's common
with small children.

- I also had pinworms.
- You did?

But they don't cause orange hair.

- You got that from lice.
- I never had lice.

- Suit yourself.
- What's wrong?

- Georgia has parasites.
- I do not!

Can I talk to you?

- Why?
- I need to talk.

Can you give me two minutes?

I'll be in my office.

- [ Door Closes ]
- I mentioned the pinworms in confidence.

Oh, okay.

[ Knocking ]

So?

I don't expect you to never
be attracted to other men,

but nor do I expect you to share those
attractions with other people.

It's disrespectful to me, and it's
disrespectful to our marriage.

What?

You want me to say it louder,
I can do that.

- It was the way I was tempted to go.
- You're--

Billy, that was girl talk.

Girl talk is "He's cute."

Girl talk is not "I would've kissed him."

Oh, come on. I didn't mean I would
kiss him. I meant--

You're talking about what you'd like to
do, Georgia. Admit that.

The fact that you wouldn't,
great. I appreciate that.

But when you say you would like
to kiss another man,

what does that say about our marriage?

Maybe nothing. Could be.
But definitely nothing good.

I deserve more respect than that.

- Hey!
- I'm concerned for her hair.

[ Groans ]

I will not let the guy go.

The weapon was made from a very soft pine.

He's a serial head-whacker.
How can you not cop to a mis?

- The guy hits people with canoe paddles.
- Soft pine.

- I know.
- Suspend the time, we'll plead guilty.

- All but six months.
- That troubles me.

Take a moment, John. They guy could've
hurt somebody.

- [ Machinery Clanks ]
- Hmm.

What are you doing?

Renee, I care for you.

In the spirit of friendship,
I'd like you to hear me out.

I'm listening.

Not too long ago, a man entered
a woman's house at night...

without invitation and accosted her foot.

It was an easy conviction for you to get,
but you didn't get it.

Why? Because you were up against me.

I'm sure it gave your office pause.

You then faced arrest yourself
for kickboxing a man.

You faced a certain criminal record,
which you escaped.

Why? Me.

Verdict aside, it had
to give your office pause.

Now you have a case.

The defendant runs around assaulting
innocent people with a dangerous weapon.

Imagine the consequences of his acquittal,

consider the pause it'll give
your superiors if you lose,

and then ponder who
you're up against-- me.

Let me say it again-- me.

[ Sighs ] John,

you're not gonna work your little Biscuit
magic in this one.

Not a chance.

[ Stomach Growling ]

It won't take more than a half hour. I
want the judge to hear from you.

Let him ask questions if he wants.

- Fine.
- Don't have a coronary.

- Oh, that's funny.
- Also, this may seem manipulative,

but it would help to have your family
there-- kids sitting up front looking sad.

- Don't look at me that way. It helps.
- Did I say anything?

I really don't want my kids listening to
how their dad might die.

That shouldn't happen in this session.

If it looks like it could,
your wife can escort them out.

- [ Clicks Tongue ] Okay.
- Okay. It's late.

- Drive you home.
- We'll see you tomorrow, huh?

- Good night.
- Give me the keys. I'll drive.

- I'm driving.
- You're dangerous--

Oh, the things that bring people together.

Yeah.

I'll, uh-- I'll give you a lift.

No, that's okay. I'm gonna take a cab.

At 11:00 at night? I'm taking you home.

I'll help hail you a cab then.

Okay.

Um, hum, I, um, mmm-- [ Clears Throat ]

I have a-a-a great imaginary world,

but sometimes I just need things
to happen for real.

[ Stammers ]

[ Vonda ] ♪ Fools ♪

♪ Fall in love ♪

♪ In a hurry ♪

♪ Fools ♪

♪ Give their hearts ♪

♪ Much too soon, yeah ♪♪

- [ Renee ] I gotta hear it.
- [ Ally ] Renee!

You tell me
every little morsel. Was it a good kiss?

[ Together ] Oh, my... God.

Okay, you know how first kisses can be?

The lips don't line up right.

- You get a little tooth on tooth?
- Yeah.

Well, this kiss wasn't
like that. Full alignment,

upper on upper, lower and lower,

and I'm not even gonna
talk about his tongue.

Oh, yes, you will.

- Forget it.
- Give it up.

All I'm gonna say--
If I bring him to the bar,

you better not get up and sing to him.

Oh, cute!

[ Feet Stomping ]

- What?
- What? What?

- You're upset.
- I'm not upset.

[ Feet Stomping Continues ]

Georgia, you're obviously mad
about something.

You're the one who's mad, remember?

You're the one who's jealous.
And it suddenly dawned on me.

You're not jealous that I wanna kiss
Bobby What's-his-face.

- You're jealous that she does.
- Who?

Who? Ha! Who?

Ally who. That's who.

- You are jealous 'cause she--
- I am leaving.

You have never been jealous of
me being attracted to somebody.

I was angry when you started--

- What about Glenn with the giant--
- Hey!

- I even sculpted it, and you--
- Hey!

You are projecting your jealousy
about her onto me.

- You've been to too many shrinks!
- I have never been to a shrink!

And it shows!

[ Groans ]

The truth is... he's never
asked me for anything,

except the change
when he was on the street.

- What about the job?
- [ Scoffs ] He didn't ask.

I had to practically force it on him.

Mr. Michaelson, this friendship you have
with Mr. Gilson,

what do you get out of it?

- Besides a new heart?
- You said it.

That expression "lonely at the top"--

You have no idea how true that is.

There isn't a single meeting, a lunch
or even a conversation...

where whoever I'm dealing with
doesn't look at me as the boss.

My jokes get laughs, funny or not.

My opinions have automatic credibility.

People even say the mustard
looks great on my tie.

A friendship isn't real...

unless both sides have
the right and the power...

to tell the other guy to go to hell.

[ Bobby ] Does he tell you to go to hell?

Three times a week at least.

But you could fire him, so this autonomy
that you're talking about--

He doesn't care if I fire him.

Mr. Michaelson, do you love this man?

I'd never say so with him in the room.

Doesn't that make it difficult
to take his heart?

Of course it does.

As he said, I told him no forever.

Then why did you eventually say yes?

My children.

I don't want them to grow up
without a father.

My wife.

And Bernie. I came to believe
he really wants this.

When I said before that he'd never asked
me for anything, isn't exactly right.

He's asked me for this.

I see them there all lovey-lovey, but
clutchy, you know, awkward.

It's all fumble-bumble love.
They don't know how to act.

- The couples?
- The couples, yeah.

They're kind of stuck in cutesy neutral,
and when I see it, I, you know--

- Assault them with canoe paddles?
- I accelerate love.

You accelerate love?

We live in a fast world, Judge. People are
looking for instant gratification.

Like TV watching today. The remote-- Boom,
boom, boom, changing channels.

No patience. People have no patience.

Same thing on a date. They want it to
click, click, click.

And sometimes they get
a little stuck, so I--

- So you bash them?
- Oh, yes, and when I do,

it brings out togetherness, nursing.

Nothing bonds like a little crisis.

Four of the five couples,
the relationships got stronger.

Two are now engaged. One's married.

- 'Cause you bashed them?
- In part, yes. I'm a Cupid.

That fifth couple,
they might've made it too,

except he was a Christian Scientist, and
they fought over going to the hospital.

Sometimes there's hurdles
you don't see coming.

Let me see your teeth.

So now-now you just make,
uh, closing arguments?

It's not really a closing, but it's one
last chance to address the judge.

You know, Mr. Gilson,
what Mr. Michaelson said--

that you really want this--
what did he mean?

That I really want this.

I know. But-But he said it in a way...

that in addition to helping him,

that you also want it for yourself.

- Is that true?
- Does that make a difference?

Probably not, but, um, tell me.

Uh, Ms. McBeal,

if I were to list all my life's
accomplishments on a piece of paper--

Here. This is it without the paper.

This is my first chance
to do something important.

I could die without
ever having done anything,

or I could--

I could die giving life
to a person I love,

leaving children their father.

Imagine thinking when you go,

it'll have mattered that you lived.

And then consider the alternative.

You know damn well it has
nothing to do with Ally.

And you know damn well I would never even
consider kissing another man.

What I said to Ally
didn't disrespect you or--

- Excuse me.
- [ Together ] What?

Sometimes in anger people can lose track
of what's being said.

- I'm happy to take the minutes.
- [ Together ] Get out.

- Rude, snappish.
- Stomping around, throwing pillows.

Huffing about, pretending to be jealous.
What was that?

- You're not jealous. What was that?
- I wanted to have a fight!

You what?

I wanted a fight.

So did I.

- You did?
- Yeah. Why did you?

- I don't know.
- You do know.

I feel like we're in a rut.

We make love on Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Actually, for the last few months,
I've been timing it.

And give or take 10 seconds,
it lasts 17 minutes.

Not that it's not a good 17 minutes, but--

I feel like we're turning into a little
corporate Stepford couple.

Rut, rut, rut!

- I've been thinking the same thing.
- Well, you see that?

We can't even fight
without agreeing-- rut.

What do we do about it?

I don't know.
You cut your hair. What else is there?

Want me to walk around the house naked?

No, I don't-- Yeah.

- You do?
- Why not?

Maybe I might wake up one day
and not comb my hair.

[ Gasps ] Gee.

I think we need to act our age more.

Love.

We all want it. Don't all get it.

I remember telling my mother
in high school...

I wanted to wait for the perfect girl.

And she said, "Idiot.

Even if you found her, she might be
holding out for the perfect man."

She also said I wouldn't recognize love
unless it bonked me on the head.

And I retorted, "Well, why don't you
come along with me, Mom?

And if you see love, you hit me on the
head so I'll know."

It was difficult as a young man,
taking my mother on dates.

And then, one night--

not a date night, but just one evening--

I turned to my mother,
and as I looked into her eyes,

I could see she was dead.

She passed on quietly from an aneurysm
right there at the table.

All she said was "Ip."

Sitting in her chair, quiet little "ip."

It was her request to have her last words
put on her tombstone.

And I see people at the cemetery
snickering when they read:

"Joanna Cage, beloved mother. Ip."

Yeah, I miss my mother.

And though she's not here,
I know she's still with me,

smiling down on me,

hoping I'll find love.

Praying that if ever I do,

someone will have the kindness to whack me
on the head with a paddle.

This case isn't about malice.

It's not about violence.

You know what it's about.

- Say it with me.
- [ Together ] Love.

This jury moves me.

I don't think it's a real word, "ip."

Psychiatric counseling?

Just to be sure. If I guy is gonna give
away his heart,

it's smart to check out his head.

- He was deemed competent.
- Competent, yes.

But what if a year from now he goes on
Prozac and wants to live forever?

I suppose we could raise that with every
client: What if they change their minds?

We have to do what they want now.

Except what he wants now excludes a later.

I-I-I guess I-I-- I just, uh--
[ Clears Throat ]

I feel strange going into court
asking for that.

Speaking of feeling strange, Ally what
happened last night, I--

I just don't go around kissing people.

You don't?

Oh, well, uh, I-I kiss everybody.

In fact, that's what I do
to get rid of guys.

Once they kiss me, they are gone.

Kidding.

But the truth is, in the past year alone
I've been involved with a homicide client,

the D.A. I was up against in that case,

and the D.A.'s best friend who happens to
work at my firm.

So, maybe I kiss everybody too.

But last night, that kiss--

Judge is coming in. We're back on.

Okay.

- Judge is back.
- I heard.

- We better go.
- Yep.

A man walks down the street.

A homeless person sticks out his hand.
They become best friends.

Years go by, the man gets sick.
He needs a heart transplant.

The list is a mile long.
He'll never get one.

Turns out this homeless person
wants to give him his.

They go in for tissue typing.
It's a match.

Consider the odds. Call it fate, call it
God, call it luck,

but these two men were brought together
for a reason.

And now they wanna make a personal,
private medical choice,

and we're gonna stick policy between them?

You think public policy
shouldn't count at all?

Two people wanna switch hearts.
We should rubber-stamp that?

If you determine the motives
to be pure, yes.

Let it be the patients' informed choice.

Okay, accepting the argument, sit down.

You needn't persuade me
your client is for it.

Ms. McBeal, you certainly know
Mr. Gilson better than I do.

I'm going to do something
I've never done before.

Probably not even legal, but so what?

As of right now, I deem you judge.

- What?
- You're lawyer and judge,

and I'll ask you to rule in the best
interest of your client.

I-- [ Stammering ] Y-Y-You can't do that.

I just did. You want to order the hospital
to do the surgery? Do it.

Whatever's in the best interest of your
client.

[ Ally ] That isn't fair.

If I wanted to be a judge,
I'd go suck up to a governor.

I-- I didn't mean that.

- Make your ruling, counsel.
- I--

Your Honor, this is beyond unorthodox--

If it's in the best interest of Mr.
Gilson, say so. I'll make it legal.

- Your Honor?
- Well, uh,

a-a-a judge has to have wisdom,
he has to have integrity.

- I am a lawyer.
- Make the call.

I'm not equipped. I'm not equipped to make
decisions about hearts.

In your client's best interest,
make the call.

[ Sighs ]

Plaintiff's motion... denied.

- [ Onlookers Murmuring ]
- [ Judge Walsh ] It is so ordered.

- Adjourned.
- [ Gavel Raps ]

I'm sorry.

I would like to know why.

M-Mr. Gilson, you seem to measure a man's
worth by what he does.

And in my math,
it goes more to what he is.

And anybody who would sacrifice themselves
for their friend

or children-- anybody's children--

How is that even remotely relevant to
my private decision?

It's relevant because your decision
is based in part...

on your wanting to be something.

And I'm telling you you already are.

What about his kids?
Have you thought about that?

I never would've taken your heart, Bernie.

What?

I never figured any judge would say yes to
this-- not for a second.

- Then what are we all doing here?
- I might second that question.

She's right. You needed to see this
through, for your sake.

- And you did.
- [ Chuckles ]

You went through all this to make me feel
like, what? Some kind of hero?

A little.

And maybe make me a hero too.

See, uh,

I've always measured a man by his friends.

I tell my kids that.

So, when I die,

they won't judge me
by my will or my job title.

They'll say,

"Look at the friend he had
in Bernie Gilson.

Willing to give him his own heart."

Wow.

You would've taken it. Don't feed me,
"I wasn't gonna take it."

- I wasn't gonna take it!
- Aw, you lyin' sack of--

Aw, come-- You-- You don't know any--

No, you're the one who wants my heart
so you can take sick leave.

Which is no big loss, by the way. I've
seen how you sweep the floors.

"A," you would've taken the heart. "B,"

you would've been in next week
for the brain.

- The brain?
- Yeah, that's right. My brain.

Come on. Talk about
a needle in a soft haystack.

[ Bernie ] My kids'll take the friendship.
Make me wanna vomit.

The, uh, jury has reached a verdict?

- Yes, Your Honor.
- The defendant will please rise.

What say you?

In the matter of Commonwealth
versus Alan Farmer,

four counts of
misdemeanor assault and battery,

we, the jury, find the defendant--

Say it with me.

[ Together ] Guilty.

[ Judge ] Thank you for your service.

Guilty? What now?

This jury is dismissed.

Guilty? What's gonna happen now, now, now?

My guess would be jail, jail, jail.

This defendant can stay free
pending sentencing.

[ Gavel Raps ]

Is that six months still on the table?

Mmm, let me think about it.

I was an apostle of love.

Yeah. Spank me.

- [ Knocking ]
- Hey.

- It's 8:00. Time to go.
- Okay.

I bought some sexy new shoes.
You wanna see 'em?

Sure.

What do you think?

Um,

did you get a good price?

[ Chuckles ] Come with me.

- To where?
- Conference room.

- Are you--
- Everybody's gone.

It's just you and me... and a big table.

What about the custodians?

They've all gone. Come on.

Come on.

Bobbitt-- Bobby.

That was a Freudian, um--

Uh, do you think I botched this ruling?

You didn't botch anything.

Listen.

- You're leaving the state.
- Excuse me?

Nothing. It's just that this is about the
time when men apply for passports.

Bygones. What?

Um--

I can't go out with you right now.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Gee.

You know, when you say it blunt like that,
it almost comes out, uh, swell.

I have some baggage.

The D.A. I mentioned,
the woman at my firm.

- The client who kills people.
- No. She's-- She's over.

It's just if--

if I went out with you
right now, I'd screw it up.

So for the sake of our relationship,
let's not have one?

You know what I mean.

I just need a little bit of time.

What, to-to deal with your old bags?

Baggage.

Hey.

- [ Gasps ]
- Ow!

- Unacceptable!
- He's in neutral.

- Come on now. Come on.
- Ow.

[ Giggling ]

- Are-- Are you all right?
- God. Yeah. Ow.

Uh, it looks like
you might have a little bump.

Anyway, uh, where were we?

Oh, you were putting me on layaway.

No.

I was just asking for a little time.

[ Vonda ] ♪ Fools ♪

♪ Fall in love ♪

♪ In a hurry ♪

♪ Fools ♪

♪ Give their hearts ♪

♪ Much too soon ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just play them two bars ♪

♪ Of Stardust ♪

So, you and Whipper, it looks good?

It looks possible.

Well, in the meantime, I'm, you know--

- A slut.
- Exactly.

In high school, boys called me
the human window of opportunity.

I'm sure you were proud.

It was kind of like a time-share dump.
He-He might be back.

Oh, balls. I lost my case.

You know, it's not
that I object to sadness,

it's just whenever I get depressed
I raise my hemlines.

If things don't change,
I'm bound to be arrested.

Did you ever wish that you could erase a
whole day from your life,

or-or a year even?

How could you even think of erasing this
one? So much has happened.

A lot of it bad.

Some good, some bad. Most of it memorable.

How many people get that?

- My mother used to tell me--
- Oh, God.

I-I'm sorry. What did your mother say?

She'd say if you think back
and replay your year,

if it doesn't bring you tears, either of
joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.

She was a very profound woman.

And on her tombstone it says "Ip."

♪ Blinded ♪

♪ By rose-colored dreams ♪♪

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

[ Quietly ] Oh, my God.

[ Quietly ] Just stay completely still.
Shh.

Hey, Ally.

Hi.

H-How's it goin'?

Fine.

G-- [ Clears Throat ]

Ooh.

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Phone Beeping ]

- [ Renee ] Hello.
- Hey, witch. Heard you won.

Hey, where are you?

[ Sighs ] I'm packing up.

- You feel like a late dinner?
- I'll eat anything. Hurry up.

Bye.

[ John's Voice ] If you think back
and replay your year,

if it doesn't bring you tears, either of
joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.

[ Vonda ] ♪ Here's a photo
I've been looking for ♪

♪ It's a picture of the boy next door ♪

♪ And I loved him more
than words could say ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Never knew it till he moved away ♪

♪ Faded pictures in my scrapbook ♪

♪ Just thought I'd take ♪

♪ One more look ♪

♪ And recall when we were all ♪

♪ In the neighborhood ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ And all those friends ♪

♪ Where did they go, oh ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ And all those friends ♪

♪ We used to know ♪

♪ In the neighborhood ♪♪

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

[ Woman ] You stinker!