All language subtitles for Scott.Pilgrim.Vs.The.World.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

(THEME MUSIC IN VIDEOGAME TONE)

(NARRATOR READING)

KIM: Scott Pilgrim is
dating a high-schooler?

Really? Is she hot?

How old are you now,
Scott? Like, 28?

I'm not playing your little games, kids.

So, you've been out of high
school for, like, 13 years.

I'm 22. Twenty-two.

And you're dating a high-school girl.
Not bad, not bad.

Thank you, thank you.

So, did you guys, like,
you know, do it yet?

We have done many things.

We ride the bus together.

And we have meaningful conversations
about how yearbook club went

and about her friends
and, you know, drama.

STEPHEN: Have you even kissed her?

We almost held hands once,
but then she got embarrassed.

Well, aren't you pleased as punch.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So, what's her name?

Knives Chau.

She's Chinese.

Wicked.

So, when do we get to meet her?

Oh, please,
let it be soon.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
That's for me.

Hi.
You promise to be good?

Of course I'll be good.

Seriously, please be good.

Am I normally not?

Hey, Knives, this is Stephen Stills.
He's the talent.

Hey.

Is she gonna geek out on us?

She'll just sit in the corner, man.

I mean, I want her
to geek out on us.

She'll geek. She geeks.
She has the capacity to geek.

Okay.

You're good.

Wow.

Here, let me get your coat.

Hi.

Knives, that's Kim.

Sorry, what was your name?

Kim.

And you play the drums?

Yes.

That is so awesome.

Knives, that's Young Neil.

Hi.

What do you play?

Wow, Zelda, Tetris.

That's kind of a big question.

Okay, let's start with
Launchpad McQuack.

That's not the actual title of the...

We are Sex Bob-Omb!

One, two, three, four!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING)
Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Laminate the stasis

Mama, mama serpentine

I got a breathalyzer

And my body's clean

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you!

(STEPHEN WHOOPS)

(STEPHEN VOCALIZING)

Get ready

Yeah

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah!

You guys are so

amazing.

She seems nice.
Yeah.

Yeah, she seems awesome.

Yeah.
(WHISTLES)

Scott, if your life had a face,
I would punch it.

Yeah. Wait, what?

I mean, are you really happy
or are you really evil?

Like, do I have ulterior
motives or something?

I'm offended, Kim.

Wounded, even?

Hurt, Kim.

You? Hurt?

Neil, you were saying
about "she seems awesome."

Yeah, she seems awesome.

Yeah.
(WHISTLES)

Before you hear some dirty
lies from someone else,

yes, I'm dating a 17-year-old.

Oh, is he cute?

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Does this mean we have to
stop sleeping together?

You see another bed in here?

Yeah. You're totally
my bitch forever.

So, the whole 17-year-old thing,
don't tell too many people.

Hey, you know me.

I mean,
don't tell my sister.

You know me.

Who are you texting?

(PHONE RINGING)

Seventeen years old?
Scandal!

That's not true.
Who told you?

Wallace. Duh.

That gossipy bitch.

You know me.

Wallace!

Who is this mystery child you date?

Her name's Knives Chau.
She's Chinese.

A 17-year-old Chinese schoolgirl?
You're ridiculous.

It's a Catholic school, too.

With the uniform and everything?

Yeah.
The whole deal.

Oh, my God.
You guys haven't...

No, no, no, no.
We haven't even held hands yet.

I think she hugged me once.

Scott, why are you doing this?

I don't know. It's just nice,
you know? It's just simple.

It's been over a year
since you got dumped

by She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named.
So...

Are you legitimately moving on

or is this just you being insane?

Can I get back to you on that?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

I do not wanna be here at all.

This school has boys, too.

I hate you. Even I would think
twice about dating a 17-year-old.

Well, she's only allowed out

when the sun is up,
so I wouldn't call it dating.

It's more like... Playtime?

That doesn't sound so good, either. No.

KNIVES: Scott!

SCOTT: Hey, Knives.

This is my cool,
gay roommate, Wallace Wells.

Hi.
He's gay.

Oh, do you wanna know
who in my class is gay?

Yes, does he wear glasses?

Wallace, you go now.
Begone.

You're too good
for him. Run.

(CHUCKLES)

ANNOUNCER: Get ready!

Here we go!

Did you know that the original
name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man?

You'd think it was because
he looks like a hockey puck,

but it actually comes from the
Japanese phrase "paku-paku,"

which means,
"to flap one's mouth open and closed."

They changed it because
they thought that

"Puck-Man" would be
too easy to vandalize.

You know,
people could just scratch off

the "P" and turn it
into an "F" or whatever.

Oh, my God!
Like, wow!

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Combo!

Yeah. Wow.

Continue?

Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four,

three...
Oh, I got it.

...two, one.

(INAUDIBLE)

KNIVES: I don't listen
to that much music.

I mean, I know a lot of kids who play
piano or whatever, but you guys...

You guys rock.

Well, I knew I personally rocked,

but I never suspected
that we rocked as a unit.

So, thank you, Knives.

I mean, you guys
are gonna be huge.

Well, we're already pretty big,

but, yeah, I guess
it'd be cool

if cool people started wearing
our T-shirt or whatever.

Cool.
Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, do you have anything
by The Clash at Demonhead?

Have you tried the section
marked "The Clash at Demonhead"?

Thank you, Julie.

Are you coming to my party Friday,

or will you be busy babysitting?

Thank you, Julie.

You don't want to listen to her.

And you definitely don't
want to listen to them.

Oh, I heart them so much.

Yeah, I hearted them, too,
until they signed to a major label,

and the lead singer turned into a
total bitch and ruined my life forever.

But that's just me.

Envy Adams is so cool.
Do you read her blog?

Sorry, you were saying about me?

I mean, I've never gone out
with anyone so talented.

Go out with a lot of guys?

No.

Yeah, so, whatever, man.

I've never even kissed a guy.

Hey,

me, neither.

Here you go.

So, this is your secret lair?

Yeah, yeah.
Can I come in?

My secret lair is one of those

"No girls allowed"-type deals.

Okay.

But do you wanna see the
house where I grew up?

Sure!
Come on.

There you go.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, God.

So alone.

You're not alone.

What?

You're just having some idiotic dream.

Does that mean we can make out?

Oh, God!

What is it, Scott?

I had this totally weird dream.

Oh, God.

What is it,
Other Scott?

Can we skip the dreamtime?
Color me not interested.

But there was this girl.

Girl?

Was this an Envy-related dream?

We don't use the E-word in this house.

No, it wasn't her.
It was somebody new.

Yay for that.

Speaking of new,

weren't you supposed to take
your fake high-school girlfriend

to the library a half-hour ago?

What? It's like 6:00
in the morning.

(SCREAMS)

MAN: Shh!

It's weird.

What's weird?

Libraries remind me of grade school.

That must seem like a
really long time ago.

Yeah, let's talk about something else.

Do you know that girl?

Scott!
What?

You only played one note
for that entire song.

My hand slipped.

Is your girlfriend distracting you?

My girlfriend?

I'll be quieter.

Let's do that one again.

Sorry, what are we doing?

I told you, like,
50 times!

We're going to this party, retard.

Party?
At Julie's.

I thought you guys split up.

We did, but there might be some
label guys there, so, you know...

Oh, man,
this is gonna suck. Suck!

At least it'll give us
something to complain about.

Oh, man!

This sucks!

Sucks!

I'm gonna go pee due to boredom.

I have to pee.

You know, so I told him you've
got a really good sound,

and I think that you
should market your sound

to deaf people, because... Scott! Hey!

Hey, Comeau.

How about this party?
You getting your drink on here?

No, I don't drink.
This is just Coke Zero.

What do you mean,
you don't drink?

I distinctly remember you being very
drunk off a couple of G-and-T's...

Hey, Comeau,
you know everyone, right?

Yeah, pretty much,
I do.

You know this one girl
with hair like this?

Yes, that's Ramona Flowers.

Somebody said she was gonna
be here tonight, actually.

What?
Oh, Scott.

You have the hots for her or something?
I gotta tell you though,

I hear that she's a little hardcore.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Hey, what's up?

Nothing.

Hey, you know Pac-Man?

I know of him.

Well, Pac-Man was
originally called Puck-Man.

They changed it because...

Not because Pac-Man looks
like a hockey puck.

"Paku-paku" means "flap your mouth,"

and that they were afraid
people would change...

Scratch out the "P" and
turn it into an "F," like...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yeah, that's amazing.

Um...

Am I dreaming?

I'll leave you alone forever now.

Thanks.

Dude!
What?

She's totally real!
Who?

Ramona Flowers.
What?

Dude! What do you know
about Ramona Flowers?

All I know is that she is American.

American.

Why don't you go talk
to Sandra and Monique?

They know a lot more.

Lady-dudes.
What do you know about Ramona Flowers?

I heard she has a boyfriend.

Yeah. Some guy
back in New York.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What else?

I heard she kicks all kinds of ass.

She's on another level.

She has men dying at her feet.

She's got some battle scars, dude.

What about Ramona Flowers?

You know her?
Tell me now.

She just moved here.

Got a job at Amazon.
Comes into my work.

Does she really?

Didn't you say she just
broke up with someone?

Did she really?

They had a huge fight,
or whatever.

Did they really?

Yes! But I didn't want Scott
to know that, Stephen.

Yeah, I don't know what
it is about that girl.

Scott, I forbid you
from hitting on Ramona,

even if you haven't had a real
girlfriend in over a year.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Scott's
mourning period is officially over.

He's totally dating a high-schooler.

Dating a high-schooler
is the mourning period.

She's got a point.

I thought you guys broke up.

I don't want you scaring off the
coolest girl at my party, Scott.

We all know you're a total
lady-killer wannabe, jerky-jerk.

That's completely untrue.

That time with Lisa?
That was a misunderstanding.

That time with Hollie?
That wasn't what it looked like.

That time you dumped Kim for...

Okay. Me and Kim are
all good now, all right?

Whatever! Ramona's out of your league.
Let's just leave it at that.

Besides, I'm not even sure
she did have a big breakup.

She keeps mentioning
some guy named Gideon.

Yeah, I don't know what
it is about that girl.

Forget it, Scott!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Guess who's drunk?

I guess Wallace.

You guess right.

So, that girl from my dream...

Girl. Okay.

I saw her at the library.

Library. Can I pretend
we're talking about a guy?

And then I'm at this party
and, hey, there she is.

Hey, there he is.

I think she's...

I think he's...

I think she's the girl of my dreams.

Mmm.

Then you should break up with
your fake high-school girlfriend.

I've never been so sure about something.

Then you should break up with
your fake high-school girlfriend.

What's that?

You should break up with your
fake high-school girlfriend.

I'm not getting it, friend.

(PHONE RINGING)

You're thinking of juggling two chicks?

Not even!

Well, you should break up with
your fake high-school girlfriend.

Wait, who told you?

Wallace. Duh!

He's not even conscious.
Whatever.

You of all people should know how
sucky it is to get cheated on.

Don't you have a job to do?

You're right. I should send out
a mass text about this. Bye.

(SNORING)

Wallace, how do you do that?

SCOTT: Wallace!

Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?

"Amazon.ca."

I have to order something really cool.

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
You've got mail.

Dude, this thing claims I have mail.

It's amazing what we can do
with computers these days.

Dude, now I'm reading it.

So happy for you.

"Dear Mr. Pilgrim,
it has come to my attention

"that we will be fighting soon.

"My name is Matthew Patel,
and..." Blah, blah, blah...

"Fair warning... Mano y mano...
Seven evil..." Blah, blah.

This is...
This is... This is...

What?

This is boring.

Delete.

Scott,

are you waiting for the
package you just ordered?

Maybe.

It's the weekend. It won't ship
until Monday at the earliest.

(DOORBELL RINGS) You were saying?

Attack hug!
Hey!

Attack hug.
That's so cute. So cute.

You don't remember?

You're supposed to meet me at
the bus stop a half-hour ago.

How could I possibly forget?

Yearbook club is so boring.

I cannot believe the music
they put on while we work.

That's sucky.

Hannah broke up with Alan
and now she's all into Derek.

But then Tamara claims
she has dibs on Derek.

I tell you.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bad!

Bad!

Okay. I'm sorry,
that was all me.

Solo round!

Uh-oh.

Nega ninja.

Nega ninja!

I can never get past that guy.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Game over!

Do you want to keep going?

Continue?
Nine, eight,

seven, six, five...
I think...

...four, three...

I think that we should...

...two, one.

Game on, everybody.
Game on.

I got us a show.

Oh, my gosh, when?

Wednesday.

The Rockit. And even better,
it's the T. I. B. B.

Whoa!

The Toronto International
Battle of the Bands?

That's right.

This guy at work was like, "Steve,
you know anybody in a band?"

And I was like,
"I'm in a band."

And he was like,
"You're in a band?"

And I was like, "Yeah,
I am totally in a band."

Great story, man.

Is there a prize or something?

Only a record deal with G-Man Graves.

Who's that?
You don't know?

Indie producer of the millennium.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

If we win, it won't just be
Knives wearing Sex Bob-Omb shirts.

It'll be the cool kids, too.

I promise

I will do everything I can to get
out of the study group and come.

I have to pee.

Oh, my gosh,
who are you battling?

STEPHEN: Crash and the Boys.

NEIL: That one band
with Crash, and those boys?

KIM: Yeah,
that's the one.

NEIL: I hate them.

KNIVES: Oh, my gosh,
I hate them, too.

STEPHEN: Yeah,
they suck.

NEIL: They suck bad.

(URINATING)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Hey!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Uh, Scott Pilgrim?

Hi, I was thinking about asking you out,

but then I realized how
stupid that would be.

So, do you want to go out sometime?

No, that's okay.
You can just sign for this, all right?

I just woke up,
and you were in my dream.

I dreamt that you were delivering
me this package. Is that weird?

It's not weird at all.

It's not?

No, it's just that you
have this really convenient

subspace highway running through
your head that I like to use.

It's, like,
three miles in 15 seconds.

Right, right.

I forgot you guys don't
have that in Canada.

You don't
remember me, do you?

We met at the party the other day.

Were you the Pac-Man guy?
No.

Not even.
That was some total ass.

I was the other guy.

You know, you need to sign for this,
whatever this is.

But if I sign for it,
you'll leave.

Yeah, it's how it works.

Okay, well, maybe,

do you wanna hang out sometime?
Get to know each other?

You're the new kid on the block, right?

I've lived here forever, so there are
reasons for you to hang out with me.

You want me to hang out with you?

Yeah, if that's cool.

If I say yes, will you sign
for your damn package?

So, yeah, 8:00?

Why are you just standing there?

Dude, I'm totally waiting on you.

I'm sorry, I just assumed you
were too cool to be here on time.

Oh, you assumed wrong.

So, how did you end up in Toronto?

Just needed
to escape, I guess.

Yeah.

I got this job here,
and Gideon had always said

Toronto was one of the
great cities, so...

Is Gideon your boyfriend?

He's a friend.

Was he your boyfriend?

Do you mind if I don't
get into that right now?

It's so not interesting to me.

So, what about you?
What do you do?

I'm in between jobs at the moment.

Between what and what?

Well, my last job was a long
story filled with sighs.

I know plenty of those.

Is that why you left New York?

Pretty much.

It was just time to head
somewhere a little more chilled.

Well, it's certainly chilled here.

Yeah.

It's chilled,
as in cold.

Yeah.

This is ridiculous.
Isn't it, like, April?

I know.

I can barely see you.

This whole thing is an
unmitigated disaster.

I think act of God is a pretty
decent excuse for a lousy date.

So this is a date, eh?

Did I say date?

Slip of the tongue.

Tongue.

Anyway, night's not over yet.

I think there's a thingy
over here, somewhere.

A thingy?

A door.

Come on.

What kind of tea do you want?

There's more than one kind?

We have blueberry, raspberry,
ginseng, Sleepytime,

green tea,
green tea with lemon,

green tea with lemon and honey,
liver disaster,

ginger with honey,
ginger without honey,

vanilla-almond, white
truffle, blueberry-chamomile,

vanilla-walnut, Constant Comment

and Earl Grey.

Did you make some of those up?

I think I'll have Sleepytime.

That sounds good to me.

Let me get you a blanket.

That would actually be awesome.

(GASPS)

Dude, I'm changing.

Sorry.
I'm just cold.

Here, does that help?

Yeah, that's very warm.
What is that?

Okay.

Were you just gonna bring
the blanket from your bed?

I guess.

Maybe we should both get under it,
since we're so cold.

What about our tea?

I can

not have tea.

I changed my mind.

Changed it to what?
From what?

I don't wanna have sex with
you, Pilgrim. Not right now.

Okay.

It's not like I'm gonna send you
home in a snowstorm or anything.

You can sleep in my bed.

And I reserve the right to change
my mind about the sex later.

Well, this is nice.
Just this.

It's been, like,
a really long time,

so I think I needed this,
whatever it is,

so thank you.

You're welcome.

SCOTT: Hey, so, can this
not be a one-night stand?

For one thing, I didn't even get any.
That was a joke.

What did you have in mind?

Come to the first round of
this Battle of the Bands thing.

You have a band?

Yeah, we're terrible.
Please, come?

(SIGHS) Sure.

Oh! Wait. Can I get
your number?

Wow. Girl number.

See you at the show,
Scott Pilgrim.

Hey, it's tonight.
At the...

Hey.
You totally came.

Yes.
I did totally come.

(STACEY CLEARS THROAT)

Please excuse my brother.
He is chronically enfeebled.

I'm Stacey.
Hey.

This is Wallace,
his roommate. Hey.

This is my boyfriend, Jimmy.

Hey.

Oh, and this is Knives.

Hey!
Hey!

So, do you like?

Well, I...

Have to go.

Okay, this next band is from Brampton,

and they are Crash and the Boys.

God!
This is a nightmare.

Is this a nightmare?
Wake up, wake up, wake up!

Once we're on stage,
you'll be fine.

We were just on stage for sound check,
and the sound guy hated us.

It's just nerves.
Pre-show jitters.

People love us, right?

STEPHEN: Oh, man,
this is bad.

This is so, so bad.

Hey, Jimmy,
do they rock or suck?

They have not started playing yet.

That was a test, Jimmy.
CRASH: One, two.

You passed.

Okay.

Good evening.

My name is Crash.
These are the Boys.

Is that girl a boy, too?

Yes.

They have a girl drummer?

This song is called I Am So Sad,
I Am So Very Very Sad.

Goes a little something like this.

(SINGING) So sad!

Thank you.

It's not a race, guys.

All right, this next song
goes out to the guy

who keeps yelling from the balcony.

It's called
We Hate You, Please Die.

Sweet.
Love this one.

(SINGING) I can feel ya,
I can hear ya...

Thank you.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

So, how do you know Scott?

He's a friend.

It's hard for me to
keep track sometimes,

because he has so many friends.

Knives, how did you meet Scott?

Well...

SCOTT: Oh, no.

This is a nightmare.

We need to play now and loud.

Okay.

So, I was on the bus with my mom...

Is that seriously the end of the story?

Oh, my gosh!

ANNOUNCER: Okay.

They're on!

This next band is from Toronto.

And, yeah.
Give it up for Sex Bob-Omb.

I heart you,
Sex Bob-Omb!

(CHEERING)

Scott, are you ready?

Okay. Kim?
Are you...

We are Sex Bob-Omb!
One, two, three, four!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(VOCALIZING)

(SINGING) I'll take you for a ride

On my garbage truck

Oh, no

I'll take you to the dump

'Cause you're my queen

I'll take you uptown

I'll show you the sites
You know you wanna ride

BOTH: On my garbage truck

Truck, truck, truck

We'll pass the mansions by

Drive right through the needle's eye

Oh, my

Oh, no... My...

BOTH: My, my, my, my

I've got a stereo

You've just got to turn the knob

And maybe we'll go

As far as we can

BOTH: I'll be your garbage man

I'll take out your junk

And I'll crush it...

Mr. Pilgrim.

It is I,
Matthew Patel.

Consider our fight begun.

What did I do?

What do I do?

Fight!

All right.

Watch out!
It's that one guy.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Well, well, well,

you're quite the opponent, Pilgrim.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

My name is Matthew Patel!

And I'm Ramona's first
evil ex-boyfriend.

(GROWLS)

Her what?

Anyone need another drink?

(EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Wait. We're fighting
over Ramona?

Didn't you get my e-mail
explaining the situation?

I skimmed it.

Mmm-mmm.

You will pay for your insolence!

Hey, what's up with his outfit?

Yeah, is he a pirate?

Are you a pirate?

Pirates are in this year.

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

You really went out with this guy?

Yeah.

In the seventh grade.

And?

(SIGHS)

It was football season
and for some reason,

all the little jocks wanted me.

Matthew was the only non-white,
non-jock boy in town.

So, the two of us joined forces
and we took 'em all down.

We brawled and scrapped
and fought for hours.

Nothing could beat
Matthew's mystical powers.

(KISSING SOUNDS)

We only kissed once.

After a week and a half,
I told him to hit the showers.

Dude, wait.
Mystical powers?

You'll pay for this, Flowers.

(SINGING) If you want to fight me

What?

Ha!
You're not the brightest

You won't know what hit
you in the slightest

(VOCALIZING)

This guy's good.

Me and my fireballs

My Demon Hipster Chicks

Tell him, Matty.
Tell him, Matty.

I'm talking the talk

Because I know I'm slick

BOTH: S-L-ick

Fireballs

Take this sucker down

Let us show him what we're all about

That doesn't even rhyme.

MATTHEW: This is impossible.
How can this be?

SCOTT: Open your eyes,
maybe you'll see.

ANNOUNCER: K-O!

Sweet! Coins.

MAN: God,
is that allowed?

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Tell your gay friends I said bye.

Gay friends?

Wallace! Again?

WOMAN: Get a room, guys!
MAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, man, $2.40?
That's not even enough for the bus home.

I'll lend you the 35 cents.

Yeah, so,
Sex Bob-Omb wins.

Sex Bob-Omb won?

(WHOOPING)

(AUDITORIUM DOOR SHUTS)

(WHIMPERS)

SCOTT: So, what was
all that all about?

I guess

if we're gonna date, you may have
to defeat my seven evil exes.

You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?

Seven evil exes, yes.

And I have to fight... Defeat.

Defeat your seven evil exes if
we're going to continue to date?

Pretty much.

So, what you're saying
right now is we are dating?

I guess.

Does that mean we can make out?

Sure.

Cool.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw!

(STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Someone's happy.

Well, someone got to
second base last night.

And someone has a second date tonight.

Someone's lucky, then.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You know when I say "someone,"
I mean "me," right?

I got to second base last night.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

Maybe first-and-a-half.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, I invited Ramona over for dinner
tonight, so you can't be here.

I don't want you gaying up the place.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay, Scott.

But in return,
I have to issue an ultimatum.

One of your famous ultimatums?

It may live in infamy.

You have to break up with Knives,
that poor angel, today.

But it's hard.

If you don't,
I'm going to tell Ramona about Knives.

I swear to God, Scott.

What? You...

Hi. Morning.

Hey, Jimmy.
Double standard!

I didn't make up the gay rulebook.

You got a problem with it... Stop.

Take it up with Liberace's ghost.

You're a monster.

Give me the bacon,
and go do your dirt

while I watch the Lucas Lee marathon.

Who's Lucas Lee?

Oh!

He was this pretty good skater.

Now he's this pretty good actor.

He's filming a Winifred Hailey
movie in Toronto right now.

They make movies in Toronto?

Yes.

I'm stalking him later.

So, this Lucas Lee...

Lucas Lee is not important
to you right now. Get out.

You suck.

WALLACE: Out.

Surprising no one.

Out.

Now, you listen close,
and you listen hard, bucko.

The next click you'll
hear is me hanging up.

The one after that is
me pulling the trigger.

(PHONE RINGING)

SCOTT: Hey, Knives.

Hey, do you wanna,
like, talk or whatever?

KNIVES: Are you wearing a tan jacket,
like, a spring jacket, and a hoodie?

And a dorky hat?

It's not dorky.
Why are you psychic?

(THUDDING) Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe TCAD's coming to town.
Will you take me to the show?

Yeah, listen...

Hey, I wanted to invite
you over for dinner.

Like, Chinese food?

To meet my parents.
It's my birthday dinner.

I think that's a really bad idea.

No, it's okay. Why?

I'm too old for you.

No, you're not.
My dad is nine years older than my mom.

Are you even allowed to date
outside your race or whatever?

I don't care. I'm...

I'm in...

Uh...

Listen,

I was thinking

we should break up or whatever.

Really?

Yeah.

It's not gonna work out.

Oh.

Where's Knives.
Not coming tonight?

No, we broke up.

Hey, check it out, I learned the
bass line from Final Fantasy II.

(PLAYING GUITAR)

Scott, you are the salt of the earth.

Thanks.

I meant scum of the earth.

Thanks.

You broke up with Knives?

Yeah, but don't worry.

Maybe soon you'll meet
my new-new girlfriend.

New-new.

(MIMICS GUN SHOT)

Okay, from here on out, no girlfriends
or girlfriend talk at practice.

Whether they're old, new, or

New-new.
New-new.

We were lucky to survive the last round.

It's sudden death now, okay?

Okay.

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That's for me.
That's for me. That's for me.

Hey, you're here.

Yes, like you said.

You know your hair?

I know of it.

It's all blue.

I change my hair every week and
a half, dude. Get used to it.

So...

How do you guys all know each other?

High school,
I guess.

What Neil said.

I'm Neil.

Believe it or not,
I actually dated Scott in high school.

Got any embarrassing stories?

Yeah, he's an idiot.

Okay, bye.
See you guys tomorrow.

STEPHEN: What about rehearsal?

Neil knows my parts.

I'm Neil.

You doing okay, there?

Yeah, good, good, good.

She changed her hair.

So?
It looks nice blue.

Yeah, I know,
but she did it without even making

a big deal of it or anything.

She's fickle.
Impulsive. Spontaneous.

God, what am I gonna do?

Can't believe you're worried
about me gaying up the place.

So, how's dinner coming along?

Yeah, good, good, good.

Okay, well,
I'm gonna leave you lovebirds to it.

I am heading up to Casa Loma
to stalk my hetero crush.

(WHISPERS) Don't go!

Will you man the hell up?

You can get to second
and a half base tonight.

You think so?

Well, if you strike out in the next
hour, come find me at the castle.

If I strike out?

Okay, when.
See you in 60.

This is actually really
good garlic bread.

Garlic bread is my favorite food.

I could honestly eat it for every meal.

Or just eat it all the time
without even stopping.

You'd get fat.

No, why would I get fat?

Bread makes you fat.

Bread makes you fat?

I wrote a song about you.

You did?

Yeah, it goes like this.

(SINGING) Ramona

Ramona

On my mind

Ramona

Can't wait to hear it
when it's finished.

Finished?

Your hair's pretty shaggy.

Oh, God,
I need a haircut, don't I?

What?

No, sorry. I just...

I got a bad haircut right before
me and my big ex broke up,

but that was so long ago
now I can barely remember.

NARRATOR: Scott is acutely aware that
his last salon haircut took place

exactly 431 days ago,
three hours before his big breakup.

He's been cutting his
own hair ever since.

So long ago.

Sounds like a bad time.

Bad time?
Not really.

It was.

It was a mutual thing.

It wasn't.

I mean,
she told me it was mutual.

She dumped him.
It was brutal.

What was her name?

She was Nat,
when I knew her,

but she stopped liking that name.

Then she stopped liking me.

Your hair is cute.
I like it long.

But it would be cuter short,
wouldn't it?

What?
What?

Why are you wearing that hat?

I thought we could go for a walk.

RAMONA: Tell me we didn't
come out here in the cold

so you could cover your
hair with that hat.

No, no. I just love me
some walking, you know.

Just putting one leg in front of
the other, like this. Walking.

You seem a little heightened.

Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know.

I just sort of feel like I'm
on drugs when I'm with you.

Not that I do drugs,
unless you do drugs,

in which case I do drugs all the time.

Every drug.

Yeah, I don't know.
Just when I'm with you,

things sort of seem a little brighter.

What is this place?

It's a totally awesome castle.

They're shooting this
movie here right now.

MAN: Okay, everybody,
let's do this. Lots to do, everyone.

Lots to do.

Did you find the guy you were stalking?

I think I'm about to right now.

MAN: Mr. Lee is traveling.

Mr. Lee?

Lucas Lee.

Oh.

Oh?

MAN: And roll sound.

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I wanna have his adopted babies.

Here we go.

All right,
on your marks, everyone.

Oh, man,
we got to go.

What? Why?

I used to date that clown.

And...

Action.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

The only thing keeping me and her apart

is the two minutes it's
gonna take to kick your ass.

You dated a famous guy?

In ninth grade.
We had drama.

Actually, it might have been math.

I just remember there
being a lot of drama.

Hey!

He was a snot-nosed little brat.
He just followed me around.

He had snot in his nose?
But he's famous.

Hey! I'm talking to you,
Scott Pilgrim.

He's famous and he talked to me.

The only thing keeping me and her apart

is the two minutes it's
gonna take to kick your ass.

Can I have your...
Can I have your autograph, please?

(GRUNTING)

What's up?

How's life?
He seems nice.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

Boom!

(GRUNTING)

MAN: And that's a cut!

Scott, evil ex.
Fight.

Let's get ready to go again, please.
Let's get ready to go again.

Hey, hombre.

You really think you can stand a
chance against an A-lister, bro?

(EXHALES)

Some competish you are.

Hey!

Hey!
(SCOFFS)

Hey, I'm not done with you.

Oh! (CHUCKLING)

Looks like you're seeing double.

He's good, right?

Sometimes I let him do the wide shots

when I feel like getting
blazed back in my Winnie.

What can I say?

I'm nothing without my stunt team.

Hey! Ask them how it feels to
always get his sloppy seconds.

How does it...

(ALL GRUNTING)

Hey, I'm gonna get a coffee.
You homies want anything?

No, I just ate.
Negative.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(CHUCKLES)

That's actually hilarious.

Ah.

Hilarious.

SCOTT: Mr. Lee!

You're needed back on set.

(GRUNTS)

Prepare...

Prepare to feel the wrath
of the League of Evil Exes.

The League of Evil Axes?

You really don't know about the League?

The seven evil exes?
Coming to kill you?

Controlling the future
of Ramona's love life?

No.

Oh, well, hey, listen, man.
Don't worry about it.

Really? Yeah.
Let's go get a beer.

That's great... (GROANS)

Boom! (LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

You are a pretty good actor.

I'm going for the Oscar this year.

But are you a pretty good skater?

I'm more than pretty good, ese.

I have my own skate company.

But can you do a thingy on that rail?

It's called a grind, bro.

So, can you do a grindy thingy now?

Are you serious?

There are, like, 200 steps,
and the rails are garbage.

Well, hey,
if it's too hardcore then...

You really think you can goad
me into doing a trick like that?

There are girls watching.

Somebody get me my board.

Hi. Big fan.

Why wouldn't you be?

Wow.

Yes!
He totally bailed.

Ah! I didn't get
his autograph.

No.

MAN: And that's a wrap, everybody.

Hey, where's Ramona.
Is she still here?

No.
She totally bailed.

What's the deal?
Seriously.

Let's move, people,
the sun is coming up.

(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)

Hey, it's me again. Scott.
Give me a call when you get this.

Scott Pilgrim.

What's the deal?
Seriously.

Yep. You said that
last night.

You know what really sucks, though?

What?

Everything.

Come on, guy.

You can't say you
didn't see this coming.

What?

What did you think these were?

Kisses?
Seven little kisses?

Seven deadly X's.

Why does everything have
to be so complicated?

If you want something bad,
you have to fight for it.

Step up your game, Scott.

Break out the L-word.

"Lesbian?"

The other L-word.

"Lesbians?"

It's "love," Scott.
I wasn't trying to trick you.

Hey, buddy, look,

if she really is the
girl of your dreams,

then you have to let her know.

You have to overcome any and all
obstacles that lie in your path.

You can do it. Be with her!
It's your destiny!

Plus, I need you to move out.

What?
Yeah.

I'm kind of banking on
her calling you back

so I don't have to evict you
and feel all guilty and shit.

(PHONE RINGING)

I have a feeling that's for you, guy.

Hey.

ENVY: Hey, Scott.

Envy?
Oh, shit.

Been a while.

Yeah.

A year, I think.

Approximately.

How are you?

I'm not doing so good right now.

Oh, that's too bad.
Still breaking hearts?

What? No. I've been...
It's been different. You have no idea.

Probably not.
Do you have a girlfriend?

Should I be jealous?

Yes, you should.
I have this totally awesome girlfriend

who calls me all the
time and she's America.

She's American.

What's her name?

I'm not telling you that.
Ramona.

Oh.

What?
Do you know her?

What? No.

It sounded like you did.

I got to go.
It's been nice chatting with you.

Wait.

Okay.

Everything does suck.

(PHONE RINGING)
Or does it? Hello?

Hey, Knives.

What's that?
You're outside?

Is Scott here?

You know what? He just left.
(GLASS SHATTERING)

Really?

Yeah.

Sorry.

ENVY: Do you have a girlfriend?

WALLACE: Seven deadly X's.

RAMONA: You may have to
defeat my seven evil exes.

STEPHEN: It's sudden death now, okay?

MAN: She's got some battle scars, dude.

WALLACE: You can't say you
didn't see this coming.

(WHOOSHING)

Dude.

Please.

I'm really not in the mood for this.

Okay, enough!

(GRUNTS)

You punched me in the boob!

Prepare to die, obviously.

Look, I've had it today.
Can we not do this right now?

I'd love to postpone, darling,

but I just cashed my last rain check.

What's that from?
My brain!

I'm really, really not up for this.
Whatever it is.

Okay, little chicken.
I'll see you later.

But you won't see me,

because next time,
I'll be deadly serious next time.

What?

Never mind!

Man.
Someone help me.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello.
It's Scott.

What did he do this time?

No, it's Scott.
It's actually me.

What did you do this time?

I didn't do anything.
It's everyone else that's crazy.

Look, I'm having a meltdown or whatever.
Are you still working?

I'm literally about to leave.

Cool, I'm coming in.

I think I'll make it a decaf today.

Scott Pilgrim!

What did you do with my sister?

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

Sorry, I had to go.

So, what can I (BLEEP) get you?

Is there anywhere you don't work?

They're called jobs. Something a (BLEEP)
like you wouldn't know anything about.

And by the way, I can't (BLEEP)
believe you asked Ramona out

after I specifically told
you not to (BLEEP) do that.

How are you doing that with your mouth?

Never (BLEEP) mind how I'm doing it!

What do you have to say for yourself?

Can I get a caramel macchiato?

You know what, maybe it's high (BLEEP)
time you took a look in a mirror

before you wreak havoc on another girl.

Me? Wreak havoc?

And speaking of (BLEEP) which,

I hear the girl that kicked
your heart in the ass

is walking the streets of Toronto again.

So, I can just get my coffee over here?

Sorry that got a little
crazy last night.

Yeah, you kind of disappeared.

Yeah, I do that.

Listen, I know I can be
hard to be around sometimes.

I totally understand if you
don't want to hang out anymore.

No, no,
I want to hang.

You know, the whole
evil ex-boyfriend thing...

Exes.

It's no biggie.

I know it's early,

but I don't think anything
can get in the way of how I...

Shit!

It's my ex.

A big one?
Mmm-hmm.

SCOTT: Envy.

I'm gonna...

Excuse me.

Your hair is getting shaggy.

Yeah?

So, that's Ramona.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm jealous.

You're jealous?

I'm allowed.

You left me for that cocky pretty boy.

You haven't even seen him.

I know, you left me for
someone I've never even seen.

Maybe you will see him.
We're playing Lee's Palace.

You should so totally come.

That's so not going to happen.

Great, you're so on the list.

Caramel macchiato for (BLEEP) Pilgrim.

RAMONA:
So, that was Envy.

SCOTT: Uh-huh.

What happened with the two of you?

Do you mind if we don't
get into it right now?

She wanted to move to Montreal,

because she missed her best friend.

This guy, Todd.

And two weeks later,
they were sleeping together, I guess?

Basically.

Dated a Todd once.
Didn't end well, either.

I can see how it sucks.
Having the past come back to haunt you.

Is it wrong that I try
not to think about it?

What do you want to think about?

How warm my place is right now.

Oh.

And you didn't bang her?
Are you gay?

I couldn't stop thinking
about my stupid ex-girlfriend.

Is that the Uma Thurman movie?

Scott, just because Envy is back
in town doesn't make it not over.

Double negative.
It's tricky.

It's over. Move on.

Word.

Right. I'm not going
to let her toy with me.

From this moment on,

I will think of Envy Adams no more!

I have distressing news.

Is it news that we suck, because I
really don't think I can take it.

No. The Clash at Demonhead are
doing a secret show tomorrow night

and Envy asked us to open for them.

I hate you.

A gig is a gig,
is a gig, is a gig.

Maybe you can put your history aside

until we get through
this thing, for the band.

For the band?
For the band?

Can't we do our...
For the band?

Can't we do our own secret shows?

All our shows are secret shows.

We're doing it.
G-Man might be there.

We play the next round
of the battle on Tuesday.

We have to get some buzz going.
We need groundswell.

We need stalkers.

What would you do if
your ex was in a band

and they wanted you to open for them?

If my ex was in a band?

Mmm-hmm.

Might be a little
awkward, but maybe

it's the grown-up thing to do.

Yeah. We're all
adults here, right?

KNIVES: Oh, my God!

He's dating a fat-ass hipster chick!

I hate her stupid guts!

He only likes her because she's old.
She's probably, like, 25!

She's just some fat-ass
white girl, you know?

I think you mentioned she was fat.

She's got a head start.

I mean, I didn't even know there
was good music until two months ago!

Hey, this really burns.

You should rinse.

(WATER FLOWING)

When I got this idea,
I just thought, "I have to do it!"

I can't hear anything you're saying.

Oh, God! I look so

good.

Ramona Flowers stole my Scott.

But I know how to get him back.

How?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Come on,
come on

Thank you,
we were Sex Bob-Omb.

(WHOOPS) Yeah!

We have some merch at the back, so...

Okay, bar? Now?

Level with me.
Did we suck?

I don't know.
Did you?

She has to go.
She knows we suck.

Hey, Ramona.

Hey.

What the hell?

Hey.

Hey, Scott.

What the hell?

Look who Knives is hanging out with.

RAMONA: Who is that girl again?

Scott dated her.

Briefly, briefly.

How old is she?

I gotta pee on her.

I mean, I gotta pee.
Pee time.

ANNOUNCER: And then it was time

for Toronto to drown in the sweet sorrow

of The Clash at Demonhead!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CROWD: Envy! Envy!

SCOTT: That guy on bass...

ENVY: (SINGING) Oh, yeah

...that's Todd.

I know.

Oh, yeah?

You know?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no.

Hello, again,
friend of a friend

I knew you well

Our common goal

was waiting for the world to end

Now that the truth

is just a rule that you demand

You crack the whip

Shape-shift and trick the past again

Send you my love on the wire

Lift you up,
every time

Everyone

pulls away

from you

That was...
That was devastating.

Oh, my God.
Just, oh, my God.

Yeah, you should see them live.
They're much better live.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

(JULIE GROANS)

I can't even believe I'm saying this,

but Envy Adams would like
you all to come backstage.

All of us?

Did I (BLEEP) stutter?

Wait, how do you know Envy?

Scott dated her.

(GASPS)

Hey, Ramona.

Hey, Todd.

It's been awhile.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm?

I think we should get out of here.

So, how was the tour?
You guys play with the Pixies?

You're like a superstar now.

Yeah, it's not really
something I can put into words.

Um, Envy...

I read your blog.

So, Scott and Ramona, eh?

What of it?

You guys make a cute couple,
you know?

(SCOFFS)

Suit each other.

You're my role model, Envy.

Ramona, I like your outfit.
Affordable?

Envy, I was just gonna say did
you get those jeans in New York?

I'm talking to Ramona right now.

Ramona lived in New York.

Did she?

I was just there.
Played the Chaos Theatre, for Gideon.

You know him, right?

(GASPS)

I've kissed the lips that kissed you!

(GRUNTING)

Knives!

TODD: What?

I'm not afraid to hit a girl.

I'm a rock star.

NEIL: Oh, my God!

You punched the highlights
out of her hair.

He punched the highlights
out of her hair!

You are incorrigible.

I don't know the meaning of the word.

So, you guys doing anything
fun while you're in town?

Fun? In Toronto?

That's it!
You cocky cock!

You'll pay for your
crimes against humanity.

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS) My neck.

Your hair.

ENVY: Didn't you know?

Todd's vegan.

(COUGHING)

Vegan?

It's not really that big of a deal.

No kidding.

Anyone can be vegan.

Ovo-lacto vegetarian maybe.

Ovo-what?

I partake not in the meat,
nor the breast milk, nor the ovum

of any creature with a face.

ENVY: Short answer,

being vegan just makes you
better than most people.

Bingo.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

STEPHEN: Hey, man, question.

I always wondered,
how does not eating dairy products

give you psychic powers?

Okay.

You know how you only
use 10% of your brain?

That's because the other 90%
is filled with curds and whey.

Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?

Go ahead and get snippy, baby.

If you knew the science, maybe I'd
listen to a word you're saying.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

If I peed my pants, would you
pretend I just got wet from the rain?

It's not raining.

Oh.

Then why don't you
give me the Cliff Notes

on how and why you ended
up dating this A-hole.

Is that really important right now?

Well, if there's a key
element in his backstory

that's gonna help me out in a
critical moment of not dying, yes.

I was only dating Lucas until
the minute Todd walked by.

Guess that's not very nice,
but I used to be, kind of like that.

We hated everyone.
We wrecked stuff. Nobody cared.

He punched a hole in the moon for me.

It was pretty crazy.

A week and a half later he told me

his dad was sending
him to Vegan Academy,

so I dumped him.

Have you dumped everyone
you've ever been with?

You've never been the dumpee?

Look, I've dabbled in being a bitch.

It's part of the reason I moved here.

I was really hoping to just
leave it all behind me.

TODD: Hey, lovebirds...

We have unfinished business,
I and he.

He and me.

Don't you talk to me about grammar.

I dislike you, capisce?

Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.

What?

Because you'll be dust by Monday.

Um...

Because you'll be
pulverized in two seconds.

And the cleaning lady,
she cleans up dust.

She dusts.

So, what's on Monday?

Because it's Friday now.
She has the weekends off, so...

Monday. Right?

Basically, you can't win this fight.

You're gonna have to give up this girl,

because Todd's gonna kill you.

You used to be so nice!

(SCREAMING)

Scott, we're gonna go to
Pizza Pizza for a slice.

Call us when you're done.

He'll be done.
Real soon.

Sounds like someone wants to get funky.

(BASS GUITAR PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

I can read your thoughts.
Your will is broken. You're through.

What say we drink to my memory?

Fair trade blend with soy milk?

(SCOFFS) I'm sorry,
but that's pathetic.

Dude, I can see in your mind's eye.

You put half-and-half
into one of those coffees

in an attempt to make
me break vegan edge.

I'll take the one with soy.

Thanks, tool.

Actually, muchacho,
I poured the soy in this cup.

But I thought real hard
about pouring it in that cup.

You know,
in my mind's eye or whatever.

What are you talking about?

You just drank half-and-half, baby.

Freeze!
Vegan police!

Vegan police!

Todd Ingram, you're under
arrest for veganity violation,

code number 827,
imbibement of half-and-half.

That's bullroar!

No vegan diet,
no vegan powers!

But it's only my first offense.

Don't I get three strikes?
I mean...

Take it.

At 12:27 a.m. on February 1 st,

you knowingly ingested gelato.

Gelato isn't vegan?

It's milk and eggs, bitch.

On April 4th, 7:30 p.m.,
you partook a plate of chicken parmesan.

(GASPS)

Chicken isn't vegan?

The de-veganizing ray.
Hit him.

(SCREAMING)

ENVY: Oh, my God!

No. No.

You once were a vegone,

but now you will be gone.

Vegone?

Yeah!
Yeah!

Sorry, I guess.

Sorry?

You just headbutted my
boyfriend so hard he burst.

You kicked my heart in the ass,
so I guess we're even.

Natalie.

Natalie? No one
calls me that anymore.

Maybe they should.

Let's get out of here.

For the record,
I am so pissed off for you, right now.

Shut the (BLEEP) up, Julie.

Okay.

We're still going to
the after-party, right?

KIM: I'm not sure there's
going to be much of a party.

I think a third of the
band just went "poom."

Yeah, cool bands never go
to their own after-parties.

Just the desperate people trying
to rub elbows with the label guys.

Then why would we... Oh.

Neil, you down?

Scott, you're in, right?

You wanna go?

Well, I kind of almost died back there.

I'm not saying I want to go.

Yeah.
We can totally go.

I'll do whatever you want to do.

So, let's go.

RAMONA: We really don't
have to go to this thing.

It'll probably be a
bad scene all around.

No, I'm fine.
It's just...

It's just... Well...

Have you ever dated someone
that wasn't a total ass?

So far,
you're not a total ass.

But I'm part ass?

If it makes you feel better,
you're the nicest guy I've dated.

Wait, is that good?

It's what I need right now.

But not later?

Scott, I don't have
all the answers, okay?

I'd just like to try and
live in the moment if I can.

I'd just like to live.

RAMONA: Look, I know
Todd was bad news,

but are you saying Envy wasn't?

We all have baggage.

Well, my baggage doesn't try
and kill me every five minutes.

What did you do to make
your ex-boyfriend so insane?

Exes.
Whatever.

No breakup is painless,
somebody always gets hurt.

What about you and that girl, Knives?
Who broke up with who?

I believe I broke up with her.

And was she cool with that?

Knives is with Young Neil now.
She's totally cool with it.

You sure about that?

Yeah, she's very mature for her age.

We had a very healthy breakup.

We're all peaches and gravy.

KNIVES: (ECHOING) No!

What about you and Kim?

Me and Kim?
I can barely remember.

It was high school.
She had freckles.

That's it?

Yeah, it kind of ended.
We changed.

That's really the whole story?

Okay, fine, I had to fight
a guy to be with her. Okay?

I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall,
purple-suited dude

and I had to fight 96
guys to get to him.

He was flying and shooting
lightning bolts from his eyes, okay?

And I kicked him so hard that he
saw the curvature of the earth.

Does that make you feel any better?

Well, now you are being a total ass.
Welcome to the club.

I'm sorry.
I'm not usually like this.

Hey, don't worry.
I don't even know what I'm like anymore.

I think this ex-boyfriends
thing is messing with my head.

Exes.
Why do you keep saying that?

(GRUNTING)

SCOTT: The girl from earlier?

Roxy?
You know this girl?

Boy, does she know me.

What is she talking about?

He really doesn't know?

Wait.

Hmm?

You and her?
It was just a phase.

Just a phase?
You had a sexy phase?

It meant nothing.
I didn't think it would count.

It meant nothing?

I was just a little bi-curious.

Well, honey,

I'm a little bi-furious.

Do that again and I will end you.

Back off, hasbian.

If Gideon can't have you,
no one can.

The League has spoken.

Well, then Gideon best get
his pretentious ass up here

because I'm about to kick yours
out of the Great White North.

(EXCLAIMING)

Wallace?
Uh-huh?

This is happening, right?
Oh, yeah.

Kick her in the balls.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm sending you back to Gideon

in a thousand pieces,
you slag!

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Ha!

I'd rather be dead than go back.

He's a creep,
you're a bitch,

and you all deserve each other.

Give it a rest, Ramona.
This is a League game.

Meaning?

Meaning your precious Scott must
defeat me with his own fists.

I don't think I can hit a girl.
They're soft.

You don't have a choice.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Fight your own battles,
lazy ass!

Lazy ass!

(GRUNTS)

Every Pilgrim reaches
the end of his journey.

Some sooner than others.

(GRUNTING)

Your BF's about to get F'd in the B.

Her weak point is the back of her knees.

Wait, how does that work?

Whenever we were making
out I would just...

Okay, enough.

(GASPS)

(WHIMPERS)

You'll never be able to do this to her.

(ROXY MOANING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

So...

Two gin-and-tonics, please?

I thought you didn't drink.

Only on special occasions.
Why? Did you want one?

Guess we really don't know that
much about each other, do we?

Maybe you could just give me
a list of all of your exes

so that I can at least
know who's going to

beat my ass into the ground next.

Like a handy little laminate or
something? Let me see if I have one.

Maybe we could exchange our information.

Hey, just out of sheer
curiosity and concern

for my mortal well-being,

is there anyone at this party
that you haven't slept with?

(SIGHS)

I think we should split.

As in get out of here,
or as in split, split?

I'd hope you could figure that out.

Or did you miss the part
where I saved your ass?

How could I? I feel like we just
washed our sexy laundry in public.

Dirty laundry.
You're drunk.

I had, like,
one drink.

I'm sorry I cared. I don't enjoy all
this, Scott. In fact, I'm sick of it.

I thought you might be
more understanding.

I just...

You're just another evil
ex waiting to happen.

That was harsh.

That was not good.

That was embarrassing.

One more.

P.S. Here's your stupid list.

Matthew Patel, Lucas Lee,
Todd Ingram, Roxy Richter.

Who the hell are the Katayanagi Twins?

STEPHEN: Oh!

You don't know?

The Katayanagi Twins

just happen to be the
next band in the battle.

They are totally bad-ass.

Ramona dated twins?
Apparently.

At the same time?

You know what?

I don't know and I don't want to know.

Good. Because you know how I feel
about girls blocking the rock.

Good, I play better
when I'm in a bad mood.

If it's gonna be an issue though,

Young Neil can fill in for you.

It's not an issue.
You know bands,

I know battles.
We got it covered.

But we'd understand if you
didn't want to take part.

Not only do I want to take part

I want to take them apart.

Okay, I'm getting tingles.

Whoa!

Okay, we're doomed.
Oh!

That poster needs more
exclamation marks.

STEPHEN: Oh, man,
we're gonna get killed.

Come on, we're going
on in five minutes.

Wait, aren't the
Katayanagis going on first?

I think you're both on first.

Wait, "Amp versus amp"?

We're going on stage at the same time?

That's impossible.

SCOTT: Okay, my bad.

Your bad is
saying, "My bad."

(SIGHS) We shouldn't even be here.
We shouldn't even be here!

Come on, man!
I put my problems aside for the music.

If I can do that,
we can do anything.

Did you speak to Ramona, then?

What? No. I haven't seen
her since the other night.

Oh.

She's totally here.

(INAUDIBLE)

Scott?

Not that I care,

but you should go talk
to her before she's gone.

Thanks, Kim.

And I really don't care.

GIDEON: I didn't mean to
put you through all that.

I only did it because I love you.
You know that.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(PLAYING HIGH NOTE)

(HARMONIZING)

Okay, gang,
can we do this?

I mean,
we can do this, right?

Right.

Scott?

Scott!

They tore the roof off!

(WHOOPING)

We are Sex Bob-Omb

and we're here to make you think
about death and get sad and stuff!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

This is the beginning of the song.

(SINGING) I'm hearing voices,
animal noises

The crème de la crème

The feminine abyss

And reaching my threshold Staring
at the truth 'til I'm blind

My body's stupid

Stereo putrid

Spilling out music

Into raw sewage

Reaching my threshold Staring
at the truth 'til I'm blind

My threshold

Reaching

My threshold

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GROANING) Let's just break
up now and get it over with.

We screwed the pooch in front
of Gideon Graves. We're done!

Gideon's here?
Where?

That geeky guy next to your girlfriend.

That's Gideon?

Gideon is G-Man?

All right,
let's do this.

(SINGING) Reaching my threshold

My threshold

(ROARING)

(HARMONIZING)

(ROARING)

GIDEON: We're out.

(BEEPING)

What are you doing?

Getting a life.

I just came to see your show.

I have to...

Ramona.

Ramona, I need to tell you something.

Yeah, I have something
I have to tell you, too.

Great. Listen, I know you
play mysterious and aloof

just to avoid getting hurt.

I know you have reasons for not
wanting to talk about your past.

I want you to know I don't
care about any of that stuff

because I'm in lesbians with you.

What?

I really,
really mean it.

Oh! Okay.

It's your turn.
What did you want to tell me?

That we have to break up.

What?

It's Gideon.

I just can't...

I can't help myself around him.

GIDEON: That's the bad news.

Hey.

The good news is that I'm
officially loving the Sex-Bombs.

Bob-Omb.
Three-piece rock outfit

with a smoking hot red-head on drums.

Music to my ear-holes.

(MOANS)

You know what?
I'm not even going to wait

to see how you guys do in the final.

I'm signing you right now
for a three-album contract.

See? I'm not such
a bad guy after all.

You think we're going to sell our
souls to you? Well, guess again.

No, I can't be a part of the
band with this douche in charge.

Ow! Scott.

You got to try and keep
your emotions in check, man.

Don't let what's past ruin your future.

The people need to hear us, Scott.

Then you're gonna have to find
someone else to play bass.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Whoops.

Sign, sign, sign,
and we are all set.

Sweetie, shall we?

Oh! Scott.

You know,
we really should be thanking each other.

I mean, if it wasn't for me,
Ramona would never have been with you

but if it wasn't for you she
wouldn't have gotten back with me,

so I guess it all shakes out.

Scotty, buddy,

between you and I,
the whole League of Evil Exes thing?

I was in a really dark place
when I put that together, so...

Forgiven?

All right, let's go.

Yes!

This is it, guys.
We are on our way.

I said "lesbians."

(THUDDING)

STACEY: Scott.

Was she really the one?

The what?

I mean, did you really see
a future with this girl?

Like, with jetpacks.

Time heals all wounds,
little brother.

Maybe next time we don't date the
girl with 11 evil ex-boyfriends.

Seven.

That's not that bad.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Hey. Yeah, I know.

It's so pathetic!

(SCREAMS) WALLACE:
Turn off the light!

(WALLACE CLEARS THROAT)

Presumably, you just saw some guy's junk

and I apologize for that.

SCOTT: Okay.

And he apologizes, too.

MAN: Sorry.

WALLACE: Scott,
you know I love you.

But I'm gonna need my own bed tonight.

It's for sex.

Right.

I may need it for the
rest of the week, too.

Right.

And the year.

I get it.

Maybe you can move in with Ramona.

She's with Gideon.

Oh, man.

That's probably just because
he's better than you.

Mmm.

Either way,
this fight is over.

Mmm-hmm.

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN: (WHISPERING) It's for Scott.

It's for you,
big guy.

Hello.

GIDEON: Hey, pal.

I just want to say I feel
terrible about earlier.

I don't want any hard feelings.

So I figured, why not be the bigger
man and just give you a call.

Is Ramona with you?

I don't know.
Are you with me?

Yeah.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

Geez, buddy,
it's gonna be all right.

No, I just spilled hot
cocoa on my crotch.

Mmm-hmm.

Listen, as you know,

I'm opening a new Chaos
Theatre in Toronto.

And the Sex-Bobs are playing
our grand opening tonight.

It would feel really weird for
all of us if you weren't there.

They just did a sound check and
the acoustics in here are amazing!

Yeah?
Maybe I'll see you there.

I hope so, amigo.

I don't want any more
bad blood between exes.

What do you say?

Mmm.

Okay, laters.

WALLACE: What a perfect asshole.

Forget what I said earlier.
Finish him.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Password?

Whatever.

Cool.

Second password?

(SIGHS)

Cool.

(SINGING) We're not having no
fun We're not having no fun

No. The first album is much
better than the first album.

Fun

No fun

(VOCALIZING)

Scott! Let it go.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

What if I want the satisfaction?

GIDEON: Scott Pilgrim!

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Buddy, welcome to the Chaos Theatre.

Somebody get this man a drink.
A Coke Zero, right?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'm not here to drink.

Whoa, I've got no beef with you.

What if I have a beef with you?

Are you still mad about the
whole thing with The Guild?

You mean The League?

The Guild, League, whatever.
It's ancient history.

I'll show you how
ancient of history it is!

Wait, wait, wait!

There's no use crying
over spilt Coke, buddy.

The lady made her choice and we're
all just gonna have to move on.

Well, I ain't moving, buddy.

You wanna fight me for her?

Was that not clear?

I don't know.

Now, why on earth would
you want to do that?

Because I'm in love with her.

(GASPS)

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Aw! I think this
deserves a song.

Kimberly!

We are Sex Bob-Omb.

We are here to make money
and sell out and stuff.

One, two, three, four!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Your club sucks,
by the way.

Well, if my cathedral of
cutting-edge taste holds no interest

for your tragically
Canadian sensibilities,

then I shall be forced to grant
you a swift exit from the premises.

(EXHALES)

And a fast entrance into hell!

KNIVES: Scott!

(GRUNTS)

Knives?

That's priceless.

You'll pay for what you did to him.

Listen, Kung Pao Chicken,

your old, old boyfriend
brought this all on himself.

He was warned plenty of times,
but did he listen? No.

I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to her!

What?

You broke the heart that broke mine.

Get ready to Chau down!

(YELLING)

You're kidding, right?

(GRUNTING)

Wow!

I mean, you can't say I don't
know how to put on a show, right?

That's incredible.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

What the hell is your deal?

You stole him!

Stole him!

I don't know what you're talking about.

You liar! Liar!

I didn't steal your boyfriend!
I didn't steal Scott!

I didn't steal anyone!

(ALL GRUNTING)

KNIVES: You steal my boyfriend!

Wait! Wait!

Can we please stop all this fighting?
Nobody stole anybody.

Knives, I dated you and
then I dated Ramona, okay?

Maybe I forgot to tell
Knives right away.

You cheated on me, Scott?

You cheated on both of us?

You cheated on me with Knives?

No,

I cheated on Knives with you.

Is there a difference?

You weren't wronged?

Right?

(GROANS)

(ALL GASP) Game over.

Scotty,

you can cheat on these
ladies all you like.

But you can't cheat

death.

(GROANING)

Oh, man.

Sorry.
Dying's got to suck.

You know what sucks?
Getting killed by that guy.

Why him?

It's complicated.

Well, I'm not going anywhere,

so now might be a good
time to get into it.

Truth is, it was me
who was obsessed.

I was crazy about him.
But he ignored me.

I was more alone when we were
together than I ever was on my own.

That's why I had to leave.

And that's when he
started paying attention.

So, why go back?

I can't help myself around him, Scott,

he just has this way of
getting into my head.

Well, that's legitimately disappointing.

I really will leave
you alone forever now.

No, he literally has a way
of getting into my head.

That is evil.

I didn't mean for you to get
dragged into this, Scott.

I just wanted something simple.

I'm sorry it had to end this way.

Well, I really fought for you.

Maybe I'm not the one you
should have been fighting for.

What? Wait.

But I feel like I learned something.

Which would be great if I wasn't dead.

So alone.

RAMONA: You're not alone.

(BEEPING)

Right!

Your hair looks stupid.

Second password?

COMEAU: Yeah,
I saw it.

It's just the comic book
is better than the movie.

(SINGING) No fun

Scott! Let it go.

Don't worry,
I know what I'm doing.

Stephen, the new lineup rocks.

You guys sound way better without me.

Young Neil,
you have learned well.

From this point forward you
will be known as "Neil."

And, Kim,

I'm sorry about everything.

I'm sorry about me.

Scott Pilgrim!
Hey, buddy!

Save it! You're pretentious!
This club sucks!

I've got beef.
Let's do it.

Wait, wait, wait!

You want to fight me for her?

No.

I want to fight you for me.

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Um... Kim!

We are Sex Bob-Omb and
we are here to watch

Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in!

One! Two!
Three! Four!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(COUGHING)

How's it going back there?

You dick!

Knives?

I know you're in here.
Don't attack...

Scott!

(GRUNTING)

Steal my boyfriend!

Taste my steel!

Enough!

No, Scott.

This fat-ass hurt me and
I will have my revenge!

No, Knives, I hurt you.
I cheated on you.

I cheated on both of you.

I'm really sorry.

And you're not a fat-ass.

She didn't mean that.

So, are we all good?

(DEVICE POWERING OFF)

Never felt better.

Yoo-hoo!

Are we done with the
hugging and learning?

I thought we had a fight going on here!

You've got a fight,
all right!

Wrong move, baby.

(GRUNTING)

Hey.

(YELLING)

You made me swallow my gum.

It's gonna be in my digestive
tract for seven years.

(ALL GRUNTING)

Yeah, still my girl.

Let's both be girls.

(SCREAMING)

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bad! Bad!

What?

ANNOUNCER: Get ready!

Here we go!

Good! Good! Good!

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Combo!

Perfect!

(CHUCKLES)

(DISTORTED) Who do you
think you are, Pilgrim?

You think you're better than me?

I'll tell you what you are.

A pain in my ass!

You know how long it took

to get all the evil exes'
contact information

so I could form this stupid league?

Like, two hours!
Two hours!

(COUGHS)

You're not cool enough for Ramona.

You're zero!
You're nothing!

Me? I'm what's hip.

I'm what's happening!

I'm blowing up right now!

You are blowing up.

Right now!

ANNOUNCER: K-O!

(IN SLOW-MOTION) Wow!

Yeah, wow.

(CYMBALS CRASHING)

There goes our deal!

We're still getting paid, right?

There goes our deal.

Oh! Oh, God!

You two make a good combo.

Yeah?

Yeah.

GIDEON: Scott Pilgrim.

(GIDEON CHUCKLING)

You can defeat me, Scott,

but can you defeat yourself?

KNIVES: Uh-oh!

Nega Scott.

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Nega Scott!

No.

This is something I have to face.

Myself.

Solo round!

SCOTT: They have this incredible
French toast with bananas on it

and you get bacon on the side.

I'm liking that.

Let's do it next week.
Yeah, Tuesday.

Yeah, all right.
Be good.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey.

(NEGA SCOTT WHISTLING)

What happened?

Nothing, we just shot the shit.
He's just a really nice guy.

We're gonna get brunch next week.

We actually have a lot in common.

Your hair,
it's getting really shaggy.

It is?
Yeah.

You should probably get it cut.

Yeah, you're right.

I should get it cut.

At a salon.

Salon, yeah.
That sounds really nice.

Hey.

You're going?

I should probably disappear.

After all that?

I still need a new life.

I came here to escape,
but the past keeps catching up.

I'm tired of people
getting hurt because of me.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get over it.

I don't mean just you.

I understand.

I should thank you, though.

For what?

For being the nicest guy I ever dated.

That's kind of sad.

It is kind of sad.

Bye, and stuff.

Yeah. And stuff.

KNIVES: Go, get her.

SCOTT: What?

You've been fighting for her all along.

But what about you?

I'll be fine.

I'm too cool for you anyway.

Ciao, Knives.

Go.

SCOTT: Hey.

Hey, mind if I tag along?

You want to come with me?

Yeah, I thought maybe
we could try again.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Continue?
Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.