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♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪
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00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:07,872
♪ My back is gettin' tight ♪
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,820
♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪
4
00:00:09,844 --> 00:00:12,878
♪ On the Queensboro
bridge tonight ♪
5
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:18,283
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do ♪
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,353
♪ Is cash my check and
drive right home to you ♪
7
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,435
♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life ♪
8
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:30,295
♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪
9
00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:37,369
All right, Dad, we're gonna
be in Florida for 3 days.
10
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:38,803
I made you lunches and dinners,
11
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,550
but you're on your own
for breakfast, all right?
12
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,975
Well, breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
13
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,188
but I'll find something.
14
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,079
Perhaps a stray
Cocoa Puff on the floor.
15
00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:50,248
Dad, please don't start.
16
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,116
We visit Doug's
parents once a year.
17
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,117
Just deal with it.
18
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,019
How come you
never come visit me?
19
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:58,756
Well, you live here, Dad.
20
00:00:58,825 --> 00:01:00,925
I mean really visit.
21
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:04,262
Sit and chat, get to know
my likes, my dislikes,
22
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:07,165
my turn-ons, my turn-offs.
23
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,411
You know what my turn-off is?
24
00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:10,547
Old men who leave
their pajama fly open.
25
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,704
Well, you know
what my turn-off is?
26
00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:16,508
So-called "happily married"
guys looking for a free show!
27
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:24,182
Joe, you shouldn't be
carrying our bags. Really.
28
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,517
Come on. It's my joy.
29
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,964
Doug, why are you letting
your father carry our bags?
30
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,022
Uh, it's his joy.
31
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,190
There they are!
32
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,191
Hey, Rocky!
33
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,093
Get up here!
34
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:36,205
You're a bum!
35
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:37,541
You're a bum! You're a bum!
36
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:40,109
Look at this. Yeah,
you remember Carrie.
37
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,045
You licked her face and
got sick from all the makeup.
38
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:43,569
Yeah.
39
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:47,439
I took it down a coat
just for you, Rocky.
40
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:50,208
So look around. You notice
anything different in here?
41
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:53,378
Uh, more wicker?
42
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,547
No. We painted.
43
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,527
Oh. Well, what
color was it before?
44
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,832
The same. We
just freshened it up.
45
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,607
OK, OK, the kids don't
care about the paint.
46
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,254
Listen, we got a
real treat for you.
47
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:06,191
We got all our old super-8s
transferred to video.
48
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,593
We've gone high-tech.
49
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:08,894
Oh, good for you.
50
00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:10,440
Maybe someday you'll get a phone
51
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,065
you don't have to dial.
52
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,302
Hey, Arthur. I need a favor.
53
00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:18,715
You know my girlfriend Denise?
54
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:21,640
The one with the balcony you
could do Shakespeare off of?
55
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:22,841
Yeah.
56
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:26,088
Anyway, um, she really
wants to meet my mother,
57
00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:27,624
and I can't put it off anymore,
58
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,959
and I know my mom is
not going to approve of her.
59
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,450
Why wouldn't she approve?
60
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:34,838
Well, you know, no one's
good enough for her son.
61
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:36,622
OK.
62
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:37,990
Listen, listen, listen.
63
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,357
You know my mom
really likes you,
64
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:41,337
so I thought we could have
dinner here on neutral ground,
65
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,829
and you could
be, like, a buffer.
66
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,196
Elaborate.
67
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,165
Just... if things get
tense or awkward,
68
00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:49,768
you jump in and say
something to distract my mom.
69
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:53,005
So you want me to
be your rodeo clown.
70
00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:55,819
What's in it for me?
71
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,609
What do you want?
72
00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:00,712
Let me see. You
work in the subway.
73
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,549
I want to drive a train.
74
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,017
You...
75
00:03:06,085 --> 00:03:07,018
Are you crazy?
76
00:03:07,086 --> 00:03:08,286
I... I just sell tokens.
77
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,121
I can't let you drive a train.
78
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,669
Then I want to make
announcements over the loudspeaker.
79
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:16,361
I'm sitting on some
very funny subway banter
80
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:19,564
including a bawdy
routine about the "F" train.
81
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,967
I can't do that either.
82
00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:23,702
Fine.
83
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:26,215
Then I'll take a metro
cap and a tie tack.
84
00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:27,472
Done!
85
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,908
And the other guy blinked.
86
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,982
Hey, look. Dougie's
high school graduation.
87
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,567
Hey, look at that! That's
me and you, buddy.
88
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,758
And that was our
bicentennial barbecue.
89
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,100
What are you...
90
00:03:56,169 --> 00:04:01,439
Wear... wearing some
kind of Uncle Sam costume?
91
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:04,275
It was Wonder Woman.
92
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,880
Why were you wearing
Wonder Woman?
93
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:11,349
Ask her, OK? She bought it.
94
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:14,552
It wasn't Wonder
Woman. It was Uncle Sam.
95
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:16,888
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
96
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:19,157
Yeah, I was the only
Uncle Sam with cleavage.
97
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,596
Hey, look!
98
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,365
There you are again, buddy.
99
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,636
Huh?
100
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,349
You got that look in your eye.
101
00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:34,951
Do you wanna go outside
and do your business?
102
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,586
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you know what?
103
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,044
Do me a favor.
Pause it. Hey, Rocky?
104
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,545
As long as we're on a break,
105
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,513
I'm gonna go do
some business myself.
106
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:47,119
Uh, Janet, question for you.
107
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,555
How old was Doug
when he got Rocky?
108
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,557
Oh, I don't know. 11?
109
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:55,393
Doug's 38 now.
110
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,395
That's right.
111
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,464
You know, you look
beautiful in that top, darling.
112
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,832
Where did you buy that?
113
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:05,102
Well, then that would
make Rocky... 27.
114
00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:07,672
Oh, I don't think so.
115
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,175
Well, Janet...
116
00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:13,611
38 minus 11 is 27.
117
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:17,415
What does such a
pretty girl need with math?
118
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,484
Janet.
119
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:19,751
OK.
120
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,987
Rocky died.
121
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:25,090
We replaced him 'cause we
didn't want Dougie to get upset.
122
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,526
Wow.
123
00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:30,929
Don't you think
that's... unhealthy?
124
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,597
Unhealthy?
125
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,033
Look how happy Dougie is.
126
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,734
Hi!
127
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,772
So who's ready for cheesecake?
128
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:06,798
This is great, huh?
129
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,534
My 2 best gals finally
breaking bread together.
130
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,302
Yeah, it's, um...
131
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,082
It's really great to
meet you, Mrs. Olchin.
132
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:16,040
Spence is just such
a wonderful guy.
133
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,742
You can thank me for that.
134
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,778
He was a little bastard as a kid
135
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:22,881
till I spanked it out of him.
136
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:25,483
Great. Thank you.
137
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,919
I smacked his bottom so red
138
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,721
it looked like an Indian's ass.
139
00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,056
Mom!
140
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:34,525
Excuse me! Native
American's ass.
141
00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:38,997
Actually, um, it's funny.
142
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:42,145
A couple of months ago, um, we
were just goofing around in the snow,
143
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:44,569
and Spence fell right
on some ice really hard.
144
00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:46,382
Anyway, when we
got back to his place,
145
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,805
his butt was so red!
146
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:51,209
She's seen you naked?!
147
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,914
We agreed you're
saving yourself!
148
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,482
Mom!
149
00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:59,918
Oh, no, um, I didn't
see him naked.
150
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,320
He told me his butt was red...
151
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:05,891
over the phone. I was in church.
152
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:09,594
You talk on the
phone in church?!
153
00:07:09,662 --> 00:07:11,896
Arthur.
154
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:12,965
Yes?
155
00:07:15,301 --> 00:07:16,612
Do you have anything to say?
156
00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:18,469
I don't think so.
157
00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:22,373
Excuse me. I'm gonna
grab some ketchup.
158
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:27,690
What are you doing in there?
159
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,781
You're supposed to
jump in if things get tense.
160
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,494
I thought it was
going magnificently.
161
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:34,286
It is not! Just jump in, OK?
162
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:36,621
So I finally had to tell Spence,
163
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:39,590
"you can watch Three's Company,
164
00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:41,726
but your keep your hands
where I can see 'em."
165
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,628
Because I knew...
166
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:45,997
Hey! We're back!
167
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:49,011
And, uh, Arthur, you had a
question for my mom, didn't you?
168
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,835
Yes, I did.
169
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:55,706
Veronica, I was wondering,
is that your real hair?
170
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,977
What? Yes!
171
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:00,478
Uh-huh. And the teeth?
172
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,782
All except the
really white ones.
173
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:07,852
Well, the whole
package is exquisite.
174
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,922
Oh. Oh, Arthur.
175
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,490
You're so sweet.
176
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,480
OK, Rock. I'm gonna
throw these socks,
177
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,048
and you're gonna go get 'em, OK?
178
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:27,349
And then you're
gonna eat lightnin'
179
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,507
and crap thunder.
180
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:31,709
But not in the house.
181
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:33,055
All right, ready? Here we go.
182
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:35,179
Go get the socks. Go get 'em!
183
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,426
Doug: Come on. I
taught you this trick.
184
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:38,382
You know it.
185
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,018
Hello. Hello.
186
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,019
Doug.
187
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:42,020
Yeah?
188
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,287
You love Rocky, don't you?
189
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,422
Sure.
190
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,460
OK, this is hard for me.
191
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:53,565
There's something that I kind
of feel like I should tell you,
192
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:55,300
but I don't really want to,
193
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,369
but you're an adult, and
I think you should know.
194
00:08:58,438 --> 00:08:59,904
What?
195
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,505
Oy, how do I do this?
196
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:04,708
OK, what year was
the bicentennial?
197
00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:07,211
1776.
198
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:16,321
No, that was the actual thing.
199
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:19,790
I'm talking about
the anniversary.
200
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:22,460
That barbecue that you and
Rocky were at in that video.
201
00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:24,528
Oh, 1976. Right.
202
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:25,708
But you got to give me props
203
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,276
for knowing 1776 in
the first place, right?
204
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,868
Absolutely. Color me impressed.
205
00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:33,772
Anyway, sweetie, baby,
my adorable husband,
206
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:38,677
if Rocky was already
born and grown in 1976,
207
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:42,213
and it's now 2003,
208
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:44,615
today that would make Rocky...
209
00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:46,584
Well, uh...
210
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:56,361
That's not the original Rocky?
211
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,863
We did it for your
own good, Dougie.
212
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,365
You were a sensitive kid.
213
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,901
We figured when Rocky went,
you wouldn't be able to handle it.
214
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:07,038
So... so this is Rocky II?!
215
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:11,142
Actually, it's Rocky IV.
216
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:13,944
Oh, my God!
217
00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:17,282
My dog died 3 times,
and you never told me?!
218
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,285
Darling, we were gonna
tell you about Rocky III,
219
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:21,419
honest to God,
220
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:23,587
but she died right
before your wedding.
221
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,189
She?!
222
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:28,293
I can't believe this!
223
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,928
We didn't want to upset you.
224
00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:33,631
As the kids like to
say, why go there?
225
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:34,765
Right, Joe?
226
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,379
Exactly. We just felt
there was some things
227
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,136
you were better off not knowing.
228
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:39,815
Things? Like what else?
229
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:41,739
Nothing else.
230
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,308
Just the dog.
231
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,843
Ah, tell the boy
already. The jig is up.
232
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:48,179
There is no jig. There's no jig.
233
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,713
We've coddled him long enough.
234
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,894
When you were little, you weren't
quite ready for the first grade.
235
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,284
Joe! I'm telling him.
236
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:54,285
I'm gonna hyperventilate.
237
00:10:54,353 --> 00:10:55,497
You've been saying
that for 40 years,
238
00:10:55,521 --> 00:10:56,632
and I've never
seen you do it once.
239
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,589
It's no big whoop-de-doo.
240
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,092
You had to repeat kindergarten.
241
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,261
Oh, God.
242
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,796
What?
243
00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:08,833
You told me that was
super kindergarten!
244
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:12,970
Look, you're upset. I'm upset.
245
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:14,305
Let's just go into the kitchen.
246
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:15,618
And we'll have
some lemon squares,
247
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:16,652
and we'll forget
about this whole thing.
248
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,686
No, no, no, no. You're
not buying me off
249
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:19,088
with lemon squares
this time, all right?
250
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:20,689
Let's get this all
out in the open.
251
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,713
What... what else don't I know?
252
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:23,948
Nothing.
253
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,518
You might as well tell
him about Montreal.
254
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:27,752
No, no!
255
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:31,656
M-Montreal? No-Nothing
good happens in Montreal.
256
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:33,191
OK, listen.
257
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:35,492
When I was 8 months
pregnant with you
258
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,428
we went to Montreal
for a wedding.
259
00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:39,441
I didn't know that I was
gonna give birth early.
260
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:42,733
You were born in
Canada. It's no big deal.
261
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:46,470
Oh, my God! I'm Canadian!
262
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,486
What if I was gonna
run for president?!
263
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:53,522
When were you gonna tell me?!
264
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,446
We were kind of rolling the dice
265
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,982
you wouldn't throw
your hat in the ring.
266
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:04,122
I don't even know you.
267
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,639
Hey, so did you talk to
your parents? How'd it go?
268
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:12,563
Yeah, I talked to them.
269
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:15,133
Well, don't be too
hard on them, honey...
270
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:17,268
Hey, you know
what? Don't touch me.
271
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:18,836
What?!
272
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,716
Why are you mad at me?
273
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,019
I don't know. Maybe because
before you brought this whole thing up,
274
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,308
my life was perfect.
275
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,911
I was an American citizen
with a 27-year-old dog
276
00:12:26,979 --> 00:12:31,916
who just happened to be the
biggest kid in super kindergarten.
277
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,184
What?
278
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,718
Yeah, that's right.
279
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:37,266
I learned a couple more things
about myself tonight. Thanks a lot.
280
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,891
Oh, are you seriously
blaming me for this?
281
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,695
Yes, I am, or as my countrymen
would say, "Yes, I am, eh?"
282
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,530
Doug...
283
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,499
come on. Take a breath,
284
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,211
and think about what
you're saying here.
285
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,814
You're saying you'd rather
live a fake, sheltered life
286
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,616
than know the
truth about things?
287
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:54,806
Yeah.
288
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,251
You can't live that way!
289
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,877
Can and did and loved it!
290
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,290
Oh, that's right, because
the way you were raised,
291
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,925
everybody loves everybody.
292
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,427
Nobody ever dies. The world
is made of marshmallows.
293
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,284
♪ La la la la ♪
294
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:08,786
It's dysfunctional!
295
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:09,754
No, it isn't! It doesn't matter
296
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,200
if the world is made
of marshmallows
297
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:14,058
or if people just think the
world is made of marshmallows.
298
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,294
Either way, you're
happy. You got it?
299
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,129
Not really, no.
300
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:20,965
The point is, my family
had a nice system in place.
301
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,445
Oh, really? Tell me. How did they
manage to break the news to you
302
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,846
that Santa Claus doesn't exist?
303
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,037
Oh! Oh, my God!
304
00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:28,425
I didn't just let the cat
out of the bag, did I?
305
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:31,721
You know, why'd you even
have to stick your nose in this?
306
00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:32,955
What does this... What
does this have to do with you?
307
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:36,025
Excuse me. It has
everything to do with me, OK?
308
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,127
Your whole life, your
parents have shielded you
309
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,852
from every possible
unpleasant thing.
310
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:42,598
And I'm not just
talking about pretending
311
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:44,522
that pets are immortal.
312
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:48,826
I mean, you... you've never
had to carry your own luggage
313
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:50,595
or wash a dish.
314
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,475
They've treated you like a baby.
315
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,139
That's what I'm stuck
with now... a big baby.
316
00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:57,502
Are not.
317
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,105
Really? OK, who pays every bill?
318
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,018
Who writes every
condolence card?
319
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:06,310
Who tips the frickin'
mailman every Christmas?
320
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:09,580
Hey, who tips the pizza
guy every other day, huh?
321
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:10,781
Yeah, yeah.
322
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,518
OK, come on. Listen, honey,
323
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,398
hopefully one day we're
gonna be parents ourselves,
324
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,268
and we can't teach them
that when bad things happen
325
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,870
they should just bury
their heads in the ground.
326
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:27,298
Could if the ground was
made of marshmallows.
327
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,869
Yeah, but it isn't, and we're
not gonna teach them that it is.
328
00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:33,370
Not even when they're little?
329
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:35,172
No.
330
00:14:37,977 --> 00:14:39,677
Do you have any marshmallows?
331
00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:48,397
So I see this guy at Pathmark,
332
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:49,699
and he's wearing a pair of shoes
333
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:52,201
I rented to him at the
bowling alley the day before.
334
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,591
He stole 'em!
335
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,693
Son of a bitch!
336
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:57,027
Did you call the police?
337
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,140
No, I went up to him and I said,
338
00:14:58,164 --> 00:14:59,508
"You better give me
those shoes back,
339
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:02,744
or there is gonna be a
big clean-up in aisle 3."
340
00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:06,337
He went home in socks.
341
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:09,407
I love vigilante justice.
342
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:12,809
Looks like you might be
driving the "F" train, buddy.
343
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:17,292
Anyway, to thank me, my
manager let me pick all the songs
344
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:18,827
for glow-in-the-dark
disco bowling.
345
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:22,286
F.Y.I., I worked in a
bowling alley years ago.
346
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:24,122
Oh, really? Yes.
347
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:27,191
Cherish every minute you're
spraying fungicide into those shoes,
348
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,428
because these are the
best days of your life.
349
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:32,530
I don't know. It's OK, I guess,
350
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,576
but sometimes they make
me work double shifts.
351
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,100
That I don't care for.
352
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:38,469
So take it up with
your union rep.
353
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,148
Oh, we don't have a union.
354
00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:42,473
Really? Then you
have to organize.
355
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,653
Oh, actually, I'm
thinking of leaving.
356
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:48,379
I just put in an application
at Lady Foot Locker.
357
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,013
So you're just gonna leave,
358
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,583
and let the next poor schmuck
suffer in a unionless shop?
359
00:15:52,651 --> 00:15:55,086
Hey, Arthur, what are you doing?
360
00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:59,156
She's a disgrace. She cares
about nobody but herself.
361
00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:01,125
Who is he to you again?
362
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:03,127
I'm a man who's onto you, scab!
363
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:07,632
What are you doing?
He likes this girl, Arthur!
364
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:08,944
What do you care?
You don't think
365
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,312
anybody's good
enough for him, anyway.
366
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:12,136
Who said that? He did.
367
00:16:12,204 --> 00:16:14,338
Oh, well, sure.
That's what I tell him,
368
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,641
but the truth is, I mean,
he's no Van Johnson.
369
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:18,743
I mean, look at him.
370
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,177
What?
371
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:23,414
OK, I think we can
all agree he's a loser.
372
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:27,685
The point is, no matter how
hopeless and unappealing he is...
373
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:30,855
Hey, Arthur! Let me help you!
374
00:16:30,924 --> 00:16:33,457
Whatever he is,
375
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,794
he can certainly
do better than her.
376
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:40,030
Oh, please. Who
else is he gonna get?
377
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:43,867
He's better off alone than with
this sex toy for the corporate fat cats!
378
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,202
What?!
379
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:47,182
I heard what you said about
that disco bowling night.
380
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,139
You don't get that
for a pair of shoes.
381
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,275
You get that on your back!
382
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,278
What?! That's
it! I'm out of here!
383
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,557
No, no! Denise!
Denise, wait a minute.
384
00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:56,791
No, no, no, I'm leaving!
385
00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:59,428
I don't want to see you
or your mother or your...
386
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:01,252
weird older male friend again!
387
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,464
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
388
00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:03,920
Sweetie! Sweetie!
389
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,793
Is it me, or was that
completely uncalled for?
390
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,301
Hey, guys. What's going on?
391
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,713
Oh, you'll be very happy to know
392
00:17:18,737 --> 00:17:20,549
that I'm taking my
father to the doctor
393
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,006
for his colonoscopy.
394
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:25,576
Yay.
395
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,678
Could be fine. Could be scary.
396
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:31,649
At his age, who knows
what the hell's in there.
397
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,395
But the point is, look, I would
never have done this before,
398
00:17:33,419 --> 00:17:34,963
but, you know, I'm an adult now,
399
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,131
and this is what adults do.
400
00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:38,222
Well, I am proud of you, honey.
401
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,223
Thanks.
402
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:40,569
How about being proud of me?
403
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,438
I'm the one gettin' snaked.
404
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,462
Good luck.
405
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,765
Hey, there. Hey, Janet.
406
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,645
You hear about Doug
taking his dad to the doctor?
407
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,235
Pretty big step, huh?
408
00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:53,871
My boy's really
growing up, you know?
409
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:55,639
I feel like it was
just yesterday
410
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:58,342
he was sittin' in his jammies
eating a jelly sandwich
411
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,010
watching Heckle and Jeckle.
412
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,813
Actually, that was
yesterday. Oh.
413
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:05,694
Uh, Janet, listen. I want to
apologize to you for last night.
414
00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:08,129
I don't want you to think that I
told Doug about Rocky out of spite.
415
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:09,832
I just felt like he should know.
416
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,155
No, sweetheart,
he's 38 years old.
417
00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:15,225
Eventually he's gotta learn
that life's got some bumps in it.
418
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:16,839
Exactly. That's why being honest
419
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,508
and dealing with things
head-on is the only way to be.
420
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,033
You're right. You're
absolutely right.
421
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,670
You're a very smart girl.
422
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:30,641
Um, as long as we're
trying to be honest,
423
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,876
do you mind if I
tell you something?
424
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,845
It's been weighing
on me for years.
425
00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:36,413
Oh, sure.
426
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:37,414
What's up?
427
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:38,860
Doug was married before?
428
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:39,816
He used to be a girl?
429
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:41,396
What is it? Bring it on.
430
00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:42,853
Well, actually, sweetheart,
431
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,356
you remember when you
and Doug came to visit us
432
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:46,923
a few weeks before your wedding?
433
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:48,837
Uh, the night we
played Pictionary
434
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,961
with Garry Shandling's parents?
435
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:55,499
Yes. Anyway, when you went
to go to the pool that Sunday,
436
00:18:55,568 --> 00:19:00,604
you left the door
open, and, uh, well...
437
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,673
that's how we lost Rocky III.
438
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:06,243
He ran away?
439
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,078
She, dear.
440
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,114
Actually, she wandered
over to the lake,
441
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:14,618
and, uh, a gator got her.
442
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:18,989
A gator got her?
443
00:19:19,057 --> 00:19:19,990
I didn't want you to feel bad,
444
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:22,192
but it's been on
my mind for years.
445
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,795
I killed Rocky III?!
446
00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:28,299
The gator did, dear,
but you didn't help.
447
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:32,636
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
448
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,549
How could you tell me this?!
449
00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:36,206
I thought this was
what you wanted!
450
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:37,753
I don't want to be a dog killer!
451
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:38,777
That's awful!
452
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,110
You see!
453
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,245
That's why it's no
good to say things!
454
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,214
I knew we were right!
455
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,216
I don't know about his colon,
456
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:47,496
but his brain ain't
workin' too good.
457
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,998
Forgot his car keys,
you know what I'm sayin'?
458
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,221
I killed Rocky III.
459
00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:52,389
What?
460
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,191
I fed her to an alligator.
461
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,038
Why did you tell her?!
462
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:58,662
She made me be more open.
463
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,875
That's not being open.
That's being stupid.
464
00:20:00,899 --> 00:20:02,700
You killed my dog?
465
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:03,834
I feel terrible!
466
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:05,614
Of course you feel terrible!
467
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,749
Because when you hear
terrible things, you feel terrible!
468
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:10,118
That's why we never said
terrible things around here!
469
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:11,742
Thank you!
470
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,577
Uh, Dougie, can
we do this later?
471
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,146
I got my colonoscopy.
472
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,914
Are you crazy?!
473
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:20,151
As far as I'm concerned,
you don't even have a colon.
474
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:26,657
Your body is just filled with
big, fluffy marshmallows.
475
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,026
And if anything
ever happens to him,
476
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,372
you go right out
to that golf course
477
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,730
and you get us a Daddy II.
478
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:35,132
Everybody got that?!
479
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:36,201
Good!
480
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,173
So what do we do now?
481
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:46,210
All: ♪ Happy
birthday, dear Rocky ♪
482
00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:50,614
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
483
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,394
He looks good for 28, huh?
484
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:55,019
Mm-hmm, he looks
real good, honey.
485
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,239
P.A. Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
486
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,363
we now honor our
neighbors to the north
487
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:09,700
with the playing of
Canada's national anthem.
488
00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:15,873
♪ O Canada ♪
489
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:21,311
♪ Our home and native land ♪
490
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:26,583
♪ True patriot love ♪
491
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:32,456
♪ In all thy sons command ♪
35177
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